All language subtitles for Cheers - 810 - The Art Of The Steal

(Male narrator)
cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.

Yeah, normie,
watch my wallet,
will you?

I got to go see a man
about a horse.

Will you look at this!

Pumpkin seeds are up to
9 cents a pound!

This world is goin' crazy.

Yeah, i know
what you mean, wood.

The dollar ain't worth
what it used to be, is it?

I don't understand.
How can a dollar
be worth less than a dollar?

[Sighing]
well,

perhaps i can illustrate
using one of cliff's bills
here.

Ah!

Think of this, woody,
as the 1975 dollar, ok?

Probably been in that wallet
since 1975.

Now, taking account of
inflation, ok,

the high cost of living,

increased dollars
in circulation,

increased buying power
of that pesky yen,

and all you have left is,

a little bit of
george washington's left eye.

Well, wait a minute, now.

Would the same thing
apply to, oh,

say, $20?

Ah, macroeconomics.

Uh, yeah. Perhaps, uh,
we'll just try it and see,

the same principles.

Ok.

Inflation.
Uh-huh.

Cost of living.

¶ Sometimes you want to go

¶ where everybody
knows your name ¶

¶ and they're always
glad you came ¶

¶ you want to be
where you can see ¶

¶ our troubles
are all the same ¶

¶ you want to go
where everybody
knows your name ¶

i just don't get
this inflation stuff.

[Sighing]
all right, woody,

once again, think of this beer
as the 1975 dollar, ok?

Now, it's a 1980 dollar.

Fill it up, i'll take you
right through
the reagan years.

All right, you might as well
forget it, mr. Peterson.

I'm just not gettin' it.

Woody, i'm willing to sit here
all night, if that's what
it takes, buddy.

Sorry i'm late.

I just got back
from my stylist.

Oh, gee, sam, your hair
doesn't look any different.

Uh, no. This was, uh--
this was just
for an estimate.

I'm thinking of doin'
a body wave,

and my insurance company
wants me to go to
3 different places.

Sam, you--
you have hair insurance?

Yeah. What, i'm gonna just

walk around
with fire and theft?

Got to get some more
pretzels for the bar.

Well, i don't know
if my phone is working
right or not.

Have i had any calls?

Yeah, robin called.

He did?

Yeah, about 3 weeks ago.
Don't you remember?

Carla, do you think
robin's losing interest
in me?

No, but i am.

Wait.

Come here. Please, sit down.
This is important.

Now look, i know
my relationship with robin
got off to a flying start.

But recently,

i think that maybe
he's finding me boring.

Now how could that be?

You're dull.

I'm only dull on the outside.

On the inside, i'm a seething
cauldron of fun.

All i have to do is find--

find something
that will make robin sit up
and take notice of me.

Something that will make him
realize what a special person
i really am.

Have you gone to bed
with him yet?

No.

Well, that's always been
a good icebreaker for me.

Wait. Wait.

Now look, i did not
go to bed with robin
on the first date

because i was out of practice.

And i thought i'd be rotten,
and then he would dump me.

And on the 2nd date,
i didn't go to bed with him

because i thought
he respected me

for not going to bed with him
on the first date.

And then by the 3rd date,
it was already an old habit.

All right, now i'm going out
with him my 4th time,
and frankly,

i'm hot-to-trot.

So?

So, he's coming in town
tonight,

i haven't seen him
for a month,
and i don't know--

you know, i really need
some help here.

Now, you've got a reputation
of being uninhibited,

low-down, dirty, perverted.

You should have known me
when i was a real slut.

Let me ask you
a question now.

What is the wildest thing
you ever did

to really get
a guy's attention?

Well.

Now, let me see.

There was the time
i was makin' love to a guy
on a carousel.

Where?
An amusement park?

No, laguardia airport.

Want to give it a try?
Well, i don't know.

What, are you gettin'
dull on me again?

Well, you know,
i've just been so darn dull,
for so darn long.

Wait a minute.
Whoa! What do you think
about this?

You're going
to like this one.

He comes in tonight,

i sneak into his apartment,

i put on
some nice soft music,

i chill some champagne,

he walks through the door,

and i greet him.

Whoa, what an idea.

Way to go, rebecca!

Thank you.

¶ Dull-de-dull, dull,
dull ¶

economics
is so complicated.

Woody, i could
sit here

and try to discuss
the principles of economics
with you

till i'm blue
in the face.

But i've always found
that nothing

will explain
the process quicker

than a simple game
of monopoly.

Anyone care to join me?

Monopoly, eh?
(Norm)
yeah!

I don't know, uh...

well, lilith's at home
with the baby,

they both seem rather
tired and cranky,

so i really ought to
get home by, uh,

umm, thursday.

All right,
i'm the banker.

No, no, no, i'm trying
to explain this
to you, woody.

I have to be the banker,
all right?

I'm always the banker.

No, no, i'm always
the banker, ok?

Look here,
if i can't be the banker,

i just won't play.
How's that?

Well, maybe i'll just go get
my own monopoly board

and play
with my real friends.

Now let's not
be childish.

If woody wants to
be the banker,
let's let him be.

I mean, he can learn from
his own mistakes.

All right, all right,
i'll be the race car, though.

No, i'm always the race car.

I'm the race car.

No, no, no.
Oh, really?

How well do you do this?

[Imitating car revving]

you can argue all you want,

but, uh, i'm not playing
unless i'm the thimble.

It's yours, cliff.
Ok, well,

so cliff's the thimble,
i'm the race car,

uh, what do you
want to be, norm?

I'll be the lead pipe,
i guess.

I don't remember
any lead pipe in monopoly.

Or this chinese checker,

or these--these
candyland children.
What is this?

You know, over the years,
we've sort of lost
some of the parts

from the original game,
so we've mixed and matched
from others.

Well, all right,
give me the dice.

All right.

Carla.

Everything's all set up.

You're going to
laguardia airport?
Great!

Use carousel "d."
It's the bumpiest.

No, no, carla, look,
i was talking to
robin's valet, jonathan...

he kind of likes me.

Anyway, he said that
he was gonna
chill some champagne,

and he would open the door
for me so i could
get in robin's apartment.

And then he'll disappear.

And i will greet mr. Colcord
at the door

wearing nothing
but a skirt, a shirt,

my underwear, and a smile.

All right, all right,
i'll get naked!

Now you're gettin'
the hang of it.

Ok, thank you, carla.
Thank you so much.

I'm buying reddin' railroad
and i'm puttin' up a house.

Woody, you--
you can't put a house
on railroad tracks.

Why not?

My uncle jim used to do it
all the time back in hanover,

and on these tracks
near where we lived.

I mean it wasn't
a real house, though.

It was just, uh, a fake one
made out of sticks and canvas.

Yeah, he used to hide
in the bushes

and take pictures
of the engineers screamin'.

He was funny,

but he had a twisted side.

[Phone ringing]

cheers.

Oh, hello, mr. Colcord.

Why, this is a bad connection.
Where are you callin' from?

Uh, hold on a second.

It's richie rich
calling from his airplane.

Uh, she's not here right now.
Can i take a message?

Aw, she'll be sorry
to hear that.

Yeah, i'll be sure
to tell her.

Yeah, wait, uh...

you fly that plane
all by yourself?

Really?

Watch out for that
telephone pole.

No, i know
there are no telephone poles
40,000 feet up.

That's what makes it funny.

$200 million.
Buy yourself
a sense of humor.

Where is rebecca, anyway?

Uh, she's waitin' for robin
at his apartment.

Oh?

Well, i guess i oughtta

call her and tell her

he's going to be
about 3 hours late.

Yeah.
She said she wanted to

surprise him
by waitin' there for him
buck-naked.

Hey, where's sam
off to?

He's off to a luxury apartment
to meet a naked woman.

Boy, that guy leads
a pretty exciting life
compared to us, huh?

Cliffy, compared to ours,
a tapeworm leads
a pretty exciting life.

You know, i, uh,
i happen to be

a bit of an expert
on tapeworms.

It all goes, uh,
all goes back to
my 8th grade science fair.

You know, everybody else
had rabbits and guinea pigs.

I, uh, had a tapeworm.

Really?

Yeah, so i couldn't go.

Or was that, uh,
was that a ringworm?

Check, please.

Yeah.

All right. Boy, oh, boy.
Me and parasites,
don't get me started.

[Elevator bell dings]

(rebecca)
robin?

Uh-huh.

I'm on the couch,
in the den.

Hang a louie
at my undies.

I'm so glad i came.

Hey, i've had half a bottle
of champagne.

Now i'm standing
in front of the t.V.
Naked.

What are you watchin'?

[Rebecca screaming]

don't look at me!

Quick! Throw me something!

Okey-dokey.

No!

Throw me
something to wear!

Ah! Let's see.

Here we go.
Give it to me.

Give it! Give it to me!
Give me that!

God, sam,
what are you doing here?

You saw me standing
in front of the t.V. Naked!

I just came
to give you a message.

Um, robin said he's going
to be a few hours late.

Get out of here,
get out of here right now.

Damn, what, a kodak moment.
Me without my camera.

You get out of here.

Whew! You are so cranky
when you're naked.

You are getting out
of here right now,

and you're getting
out of here right now.

What is with
this elevator?

Honey, that's
the elevator button.

I don't know
what the hell this is.

[Machine bleeping]

(woman)
good evening, mr. Colcord.

The triton sonic 5000
security system

has now been activated.

Please step away
from all entry points.

[Beeping]

[gasping]

oh, god, we'd better
go out the back!

Oh, my god! Let's go out
the way back!

[Exclaims]

sam,

[whispering]
what are we going to do?

Uh...

i say we set the table.

Now, what is with
people nowadays?

When i was a kid,
we used to keep our doors
unlocked all the time.

We used to get
ripped off a lot,

but at least
we could get out
of the damn house.

This whole thing
is your fault.

Hey, i wasn't the one
who pushed
the stupid buttons.

Oh, yeah? Well,
robin is gonna be back here
in a couple of hours.

And what's he gonna do
when he sees the two of us
together, huh?

It would have been
one thing

if he saw me standing naked
in front of the t.V.,

That would have been
romantic.

What's he gonna do

when he comes back here
and he sees
the two of us together?

Boy, honey, it's--

it's one of those
complicated situations.

I think what we oughtta do is,
go back into the bedroom,

take our clothes off,
and make hot,
passionate love.

That is not going to help.

It's not gonna hurt.

All right, fine.

I'll call the police.
They'll get us out.

We happen to be in
the apartment, illegally,

of one of the richest men
in the world.

Well, so he'll vouch for us.

[Scoffs]
yes.

He may vouch for me
after he dumps me,

laughs at me,
and never wants
to see me again.

You, he will leave
rotting in jail,

where you and
your pretty boy features

will be traded nightly
for a pack of menthols.

Well, uh, i hate to see you
get dumped.

There's just got to be
something around here
that either has a key,

or a--a combination
or-- oh, here it is.

Oh god,
here it is. Jackpot.

What do you got?
What do you got?

It's the alarm system manual.

Find out how to turn
the thing off.

Ok, it's right here.

"To deactivate
the triton 5000
sonic alarm system,

"find the control
panel marked 'a',

"and press 4-4-1-2,

great.
"...for example.

"Of course, your code
will be a special
personalized number

that you will
choose yourself."

So, what'd i just do?

(Woman)
attention, attention,
attention.

You have activated
the internal laser beam
motion detector.

[Beeping]
what does that mean?

Mmm!

Oh, this is great.
It's just that i come over
for a little action,

and i'm stuck in
the middle of star wars.

Give me that thing.
Gosh!

"Beams."

"Beams."

"If the beams
are interrupted,

"there will be an armed
response from this company,
the boston police,

and the f.B.I."

Oh, god, sam.

Now, not only
are we trapped in here,

but we can't even
move around in here,

or we'll set off
the alarm system.

Boy, i wish cliff
and norm were here.

Why?

They'd think
this was really cool.

[Phone ringing]

that is probably
robin's valet.

He could be somebody
that can help us
get out of here.

I've got to go for it.

Here, here, take this.

Give it to me.

Lower. Lower.

Is this good?
Yeah, it's great.

[Telephone ringing]

[continues ringing]

hello? Oh, just a second.

It's for you, sam.

Take a message.

May i say who's calling?

Oh, it's carla!

Carla, god,
you would have been
so proud of me.

I was standing in front of
the t.V. Set naked...

yeah, well, put it back on.

Your boyfriend just called
and said he's not gonna
make it tonight at all.

He's not gettin' back
into town until tomorrow.

Thank goodness.

So, uh, how are you
and sammy gettin' along?

So, you're the one
who told him
to come over here.

Carla, i'm never going to
confide in you again.

That's thanks enough.

Now listen to me, carla,

do not blab this
all over the bar,
but sam and i are trapped

in robin's high-security
apartment building,
and we can't get out.

Hold on a minute.

They're trapped in robin's
high-security
apartment building,

and they can't get out!

Carla, listen to me.
Listen to me.

Now, i want you
to tell me straight.

How good are your kids
at breaking
and entering anyway?

And do not brag about 'em,
just because
you're their mother.

Well, that depends.
What kind of system
are we talkin' about here?

It's a triton 5000 sonic
with laser beams.

They're not that good.

But feel free to call
if you're ever trapped
in a late model car.

They'll have you
and the radio out
in 60 seconds.

Oh, damn.

Shoot!

That'll be $1,300 and your
"get out of jail free" card.

Enjoy your stay at boyd's
on boardwalk.

Wait, wait, woody,
i just realized somethin'.

Every time anybody deposit
any money in the bank,
you put it with your own.

Prove it, peterson.

I don't believe it.

I have sat here
for the last 5 hours
watching each of you

lie, steal and cheat
his way to a small fortune,

while i sit here
with $5, st. James' place,

and this--this
stupid picture
of uncle wiggly.

You people have
no scruples

or moral standards
whatsoever!

And what was
the purpose of this game,
after all? I mean...

i was just tryin'
to teach woody
the nature of economics.

Oh, well, then, bravo.

What am i gonna do, sam?

I have blown this.

I have blown
the entire relationship.

Come on. Take it easy.

You're off the hook
until morning.

Yeah, yeah.

That just gives me more time
to think about it.

How humiliated i'm gonna be
when robin walks through
that door

and finds me in here
without permission,

lying on the floor
with a bartender

underneath a grid
of laser beams.

Oh, calm down.

Enjoy the light show.

You know what you do
to take your mind off,

is why don't
i crawl over there
and we could just talk?

You can crawl over here
if nothing on your body
touches anything on my body.

There is one good thing
about this whole deal.

Seeing you crawl
on your belly like a worm.

I'm secure enough
of my masculinity to accept
that as a compliment.

[Exclaims]

this was going to be
the most fabulous night
of my entire life.

Oh, come on,
it's not that bad.

I'm kind of enjoying myself.

I can't remember
the last time that

i laid awake at night,
just talking to somebody.

It must be back
when i was

a kid

sharing a bunk bed
with my brother.

[Rasping]

you're trying to tell me that
with all those
thousands of women

you supposedly slept with,
you never stayed up
and talked to one of 'em?

What's to talk about?

I mean, a guy does
all his talking beforehand.

[Chuckles]

so, like, what did
you and your brother
talk about?

Oh, you know,

usual things.
Comic books, movies,
records,

all the babes
we were gonna score with
once we got our own room.

Did you ever share a room
with your sister?

Oh, yeah.

But i'll tell you
one thing,

we didn't talk about
stupid stuff

like you and your brother
talked about.

All right,
what did you talk about?

Dreams,

aspirations,

the meaning of life.

In other words, boys.

You betcha.

And then
we'd do each other's hair
all different ways and,

and then we'd dream about
owning a ranch
and a bunch of horses.

Wh-what is it with horses?

Why do girls
get all goopy over horses?

Oh, yeah, and like guys
are real rational about cars?

Hey, listen, you take a--
you take
a '57 chevy ragtop

and you park it
right next to some dumb
spotted horse,

now, you tell me
which one
you wanna make out in?

That's a good point.

You know what?
It's sort of interesting.

Here you and i are,

you know, talking
to each other like this,
intimately and,

and i mean, i--i mean,
i can see that
we have our differences.

But basically,

you know, besides the fact
that you're a man
and i'm a woman,

i--i don't think
we're that different.

What do you think?

[Snoring]

[huffs]

and i do like you better
like this.

Man,

not one split end.

What is this guy's secret?

Good night, sam.

[Beeping]

someone's coming.
Hide.

Huh? Well, who is it,
your husband?

No, sam, wake up.
Somebody's coming.
We have to hide.

[Elevator bell dings]
what? Oh.

Here, here, here,
here, here.

Ok, let's get out of here
before she sees us.

Jeez!

No, no, no!
Oh, right.

You look kind of sexy
when you first wake up.

Oh, thanks, sam.

Sam, you're not gonna
tell the guys at the bar

some wild tales
about what happened
last night, are you?

Oh, no, no.
I'm gonna tell them
the absolute truth.

Walked in here, found you
buck-naked,

spent the night
on the floor with you

surrounded
by colored lights.

All right.
At least tell them
i was good.

I think i could sell that.

You know, sam,
i--i do have to say that
i'm very proud of you.

Why?
Because we spent
the whole night together,

and you didn't
lay a hand on me.

I want to thank you
for that.

I want to thank you
for being a gentleman.

Oh, you're welcome.

Uh, i want to thank you.

For what?
For being
such a sound sleeper.

You're welcome.
Hey!