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1
00:00:01,608 --> 00:00:04,293
(Woody)
cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
2
00:00:04,360 --> 00:00:06,261
[People chattering]
3
00:00:06,328 --> 00:00:08,263
carla, beer, please.
4
00:00:08,331 --> 00:00:09,865
Friends,
circle the day in red.
5
00:00:09,933 --> 00:00:12,501
Today, lilith and i are off
on our first outing,
sans baby.
6
00:00:12,569 --> 00:00:14,620
All right.
Congratulations, frasier.
7
00:00:14,687 --> 00:00:17,189
And well deserved, too.
I feel like a free man.
8
00:00:17,257 --> 00:00:18,357
You know,
you have no idea
9
00:00:18,425 --> 00:00:20,392
how an infant
can dominate your life.
10
00:00:20,460 --> 00:00:22,261
Fortunately, lilith and i
have seen to it
11
00:00:22,328 --> 00:00:24,530
that we can get away
and enjoy ourselves
independently.
12
00:00:24,597 --> 00:00:26,231
Where you goin'?
13
00:00:26,298 --> 00:00:27,682
First we're off
to the crib store
to buy a new liner
14
00:00:27,750 --> 00:00:30,069
and then it's our
lamaze reunion.
15
00:00:30,136 --> 00:00:31,135
W-w-wait,
16
00:00:31,203 --> 00:00:33,721
so who's taking care
of the little papoose?
17
00:00:33,789 --> 00:00:35,890
Oh, we've locked into
the most fabulous au pair.
18
00:00:35,959 --> 00:00:37,960
You know, one of those
foreign exchange students
19
00:00:38,027 --> 00:00:40,395
who in return
for room and board
take care of the child.
20
00:00:40,463 --> 00:00:43,381
Ours happens to be
large, blond and from sweden.
21
00:00:43,449 --> 00:00:44,215
[Exclaiming]
22
00:00:44,283 --> 00:00:46,401
now, uh, lilith doesn't
object to having
23
00:00:46,469 --> 00:00:49,755
a spicy little
swedish meatball
around the house?
24
00:00:49,823 --> 00:00:51,273
She's been so busy
being a mommy,
25
00:00:51,340 --> 00:00:53,041
i don't think
she's even noticed.
26
00:00:54,543 --> 00:00:56,144
Come on, frasier.
27
00:00:56,212 --> 00:00:58,914
We don't want to cut into
torsten's exercise time.
28
00:01:08,975 --> 00:01:10,992
¶ Sometimes you wanna go
29
00:01:11,060 --> 00:01:14,596
¶ where everybody
knows your name ¶
30
00:01:16,599 --> 00:01:19,968
¶ and they're always
glad you came ¶
31
00:01:21,153 --> 00:01:23,505
¶ you wanna be
where you can see ¶
32
00:01:23,573 --> 00:01:25,907
¶ our troubles
are all the same ¶
33
00:01:25,975 --> 00:01:30,812
¶ you wanna go
where everybody
knows your name ¶
34
00:01:50,966 --> 00:01:51,883
[people chattering]
35
00:01:51,951 --> 00:01:53,284
good morning.
36
00:01:53,352 --> 00:01:55,504
Sam,
you're 7 minutes late.
37
00:01:55,571 --> 00:01:58,190
Oh, boy,
i wish i was more like you.
38
00:01:58,258 --> 00:02:01,059
I just can't seem to find
the time to sit around,
39
00:02:01,127 --> 00:02:04,429
watching the minutes tick by
while i get older,
40
00:02:04,497 --> 00:02:06,932
realizing that
i've wasted my life.
41
00:02:09,151 --> 00:02:10,736
I meant roughly 7.
42
00:02:12,972 --> 00:02:14,806
So what's your excuse?
43
00:02:14,874 --> 00:02:18,610
Well, i had a date last night
i was 7 minutes late for.
44
00:02:18,678 --> 00:02:20,712
And i just could
never catch up.
45
00:02:23,449 --> 00:02:26,034
And i suppose
you didn't have time
to shave this morning.
46
00:02:26,102 --> 00:02:27,902
Oh, sorry. I forgot.
47
00:02:27,970 --> 00:02:29,471
Sure, you forgot.
48
00:02:29,539 --> 00:02:32,374
It wouldn't happen
that you think
that looks sexy, would it?
49
00:02:32,442 --> 00:02:34,943
No, really.
I just forgot.
50
00:02:35,010 --> 00:02:36,511
Looks sexy, huh?
51
00:02:40,015 --> 00:02:42,584
Sammy, you know what?
You shouldn't be so surprised.
52
00:02:42,652 --> 00:02:46,855
You know, uh,
women really can't resist
a thick crop of jaw hair.
53
00:02:46,922 --> 00:02:49,924
Goes back to, uh,
goes back to androcles.
54
00:02:49,992 --> 00:02:52,060
Now, wait a second,
wasn't, uh, androcles the guy
55
00:02:52,128 --> 00:02:54,195
who pulled the thorn
out of the lion's paw?
56
00:02:54,263 --> 00:02:57,699
That's what he told his wife
when she found the scratches
on his back, eh.
57
00:02:59,352 --> 00:03:01,770
I'm telling you, guys,
babes and beards.
58
00:03:01,838 --> 00:03:04,039
Yeah? If beards are
such a babe magnet,
59
00:03:04,106 --> 00:03:05,891
why don't you have one?
60
00:03:05,959 --> 00:03:08,109
Oh, as a matter of fact,
carla,
61
00:03:08,177 --> 00:03:11,429
in my family's history,
i'm the first clavin
to go without a beard.
62
00:03:11,497 --> 00:03:14,199
You're the first clavin
to go without a tail.
63
00:03:15,318 --> 00:03:17,118
You know, carla,
64
00:03:17,186 --> 00:03:18,737
you know, one day
65
00:03:18,805 --> 00:03:20,955
without giving
the old norelco a face ride,
66
00:03:21,023 --> 00:03:22,541
this chin would
outshine sammy's.
67
00:03:22,608 --> 00:03:24,426
Oh, what are we
talking about here?
68
00:03:24,493 --> 00:03:25,726
A beard growing contest?
69
00:03:25,794 --> 00:03:28,396
You got it.
What do you say, sammy? $20?
70
00:03:28,464 --> 00:03:29,948
What the heck.
71
00:03:30,015 --> 00:03:32,384
I haven't had
a beard for a while
and it's all in good fun.
72
00:03:32,452 --> 00:03:34,536
Really looks sexy, huh?
73
00:03:34,604 --> 00:03:35,837
Oh, yeah.
74
00:03:35,905 --> 00:03:38,189
Yasir arafat
always gets me hot.
75
00:03:40,593 --> 00:03:41,727
Who?
76
00:03:41,794 --> 00:03:42,861
Ok, i'll be the judge.
77
00:03:42,929 --> 00:03:44,696
You have one month
starting today.
78
00:03:44,764 --> 00:03:47,331
Beards will be rated
on length,
79
00:03:47,399 --> 00:03:49,634
body, fullness, luster,
80
00:03:49,702 --> 00:03:51,570
sheen and bounce.
81
00:03:51,637 --> 00:03:54,372
Bounce?
How you gonna judge bounce?
82
00:03:54,374 --> 00:03:55,390
You'll see.
83
00:03:57,493 --> 00:03:58,960
What do you, uh,
say then, norm?
84
00:03:59,028 --> 00:04:01,246
You wanna put
your peach fuzz
on the starting line?
85
00:04:01,313 --> 00:04:03,047
Like i've got nothing
better to do than sit
86
00:04:03,116 --> 00:04:05,183
around a bar all day,
and watch my hair grow.
87
00:04:06,486 --> 00:04:07,852
Yeah, i'm in.
Yeah.
88
00:04:09,889 --> 00:04:12,374
Can you believe
this pathetic display?
89
00:04:12,441 --> 00:04:15,310
It pleases me that
you're secure enough
in your masculinity
90
00:04:15,378 --> 00:04:17,879
to forego
these never ending
rites of passage.
91
00:04:17,946 --> 00:04:20,081
No, no. I mean that this
convention of babies bottoms
92
00:04:20,149 --> 00:04:22,700
think they can grow
better beards than me.
93
00:04:22,768 --> 00:04:25,270
All right, you bald faced
debutantes, i'm in.
94
00:04:29,508 --> 00:04:31,693
Hey, guys, i thought
you were out on a date.
95
00:04:31,760 --> 00:04:33,328
We are, sam.
96
00:04:33,396 --> 00:04:36,047
I'm toppin' off the evening
by bringing kelly, here
to cheers.
97
00:04:36,115 --> 00:04:38,282
Why do that?
You spend all your time here.
98
00:04:38,350 --> 00:04:40,201
Oh, i know, but tonight
i'm here as a customer,
99
00:04:40,269 --> 00:04:42,487
that means i get
to order you around.
100
00:04:42,555 --> 00:04:44,172
2 ginger ales, big guy,
101
00:04:44,240 --> 00:04:46,625
and don't try to slip us
any of that house stuff.
102
00:04:47,660 --> 00:04:48,760
Look at him run.
103
00:04:50,596 --> 00:04:53,465
Wow, woody.
When you were talking
about this in the car,
104
00:04:53,533 --> 00:04:55,334
i never thought
you'd go through with it.
105
00:04:55,401 --> 00:04:57,502
Well, this customer stuff
is gonna be great.
106
00:04:57,570 --> 00:04:59,270
You know,
usually i'm so busy workin',
107
00:04:59,339 --> 00:05:02,441
i miss out on all
the witty conversation
that goes on around here.
108
00:05:02,508 --> 00:05:05,359
Norm, you--you seem
to have a little
cheese doodle dust
109
00:05:05,428 --> 00:05:07,194
on the corner
of your mouth.
110
00:05:07,262 --> 00:05:09,431
No, i didn't have
any cheese doodles.
111
00:05:09,498 --> 00:05:11,666
Yeah, last night you did.
I did?
112
00:05:14,202 --> 00:05:15,437
[Exclaiming]
wow.
113
00:05:15,504 --> 00:05:17,472
Boy, that stuff really keeps,
doesn't it?
114
00:05:21,277 --> 00:05:23,195
I, uh, hate to
tear myself away, woody,
115
00:05:23,262 --> 00:05:25,463
but i better
get my dad's car home.
116
00:05:25,531 --> 00:05:28,867
All right, i'll let you know
if they find any more food
on mr. Peterson's face.
117
00:05:32,471 --> 00:05:34,473
[Phone ringing]
118
00:05:34,475 --> 00:05:36,457
cheers.
119
00:05:36,525 --> 00:05:39,544
Yeah, hold on a second.
Woody, lee bradken.
120
00:05:39,612 --> 00:05:41,729
Aren't you
forgettin' somethin', sam?
121
00:05:41,797 --> 00:05:44,682
I'm the customer.
You bring the phone to me.
122
00:05:44,750 --> 00:05:47,468
In that case,
i'm gonna charge you
$2 for that ginger ale.
123
00:05:47,536 --> 00:05:48,536
Coming.
124
00:05:51,140 --> 00:05:52,273
Hello.
125
00:05:53,275 --> 00:05:54,976
I did?
126
00:05:55,043 --> 00:05:56,844
Oh, thank you, mr. Bradken.
127
00:05:56,912 --> 00:05:59,780
Oh, thanks a lot.
I won't let you down.
Thank you very much.
128
00:05:59,848 --> 00:06:03,134
Hey, everybody.
That was the director
of my community theater.
129
00:06:03,202 --> 00:06:04,953
I finally got a lead
in one of our plays.
130
00:06:05,020 --> 00:06:07,121
[All cheering]
131
00:06:08,191 --> 00:06:09,974
first i get a bike
when i'm 10,
132
00:06:10,042 --> 00:06:11,409
and now this. Boy.
133
00:06:13,746 --> 00:06:15,880
Woody,
what part are you gonna play?
134
00:06:15,948 --> 00:06:18,733
Well, i'm playing george gibbs
from our town,
135
00:06:18,801 --> 00:06:22,303
kind of a naive,
small town guy
who's a little shy
136
00:06:22,371 --> 00:06:24,072
and sort of backward.
137
00:06:24,139 --> 00:06:26,007
Can you believe
they chose me?
138
00:06:27,643 --> 00:06:29,644
Oh, this is really exciting.
139
00:06:29,711 --> 00:06:32,713
The girl who's playing emily
is a terrific actress.
Yeah?
140
00:06:32,781 --> 00:06:36,284
I mean, actually
she's got kind of an advantage
'cause her real name is emily.
141
00:06:36,619 --> 00:06:38,753
Ah.
142
00:06:38,821 --> 00:06:41,689
She don't even have
to learn to answer
to a different name.
143
00:06:41,757 --> 00:06:44,943
All right, i guess you'll be
doing all the real work,
then, eh?
144
00:06:46,478 --> 00:06:48,696
Now, all i can say is
it's about time.
145
00:06:48,764 --> 00:06:52,133
You've lugged coffee around
and sold tickets in that
theater long enough.
146
00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:54,368
Just payin' my dues,
miss howe.
147
00:06:54,436 --> 00:06:55,970
Boy,
this is a big night for me.
148
00:06:56,038 --> 00:06:57,756
Who wants to help me
paint the town?
149
00:06:57,824 --> 00:06:59,207
(Norm)
all right, let's go.
150
00:06:59,274 --> 00:07:00,675
(Cliff)
where are we going?
151
00:07:00,743 --> 00:07:02,560
To the theater.
I'm in charge of the scenery
152
00:07:02,595 --> 00:07:04,579
and i've got to
paint the town.
153
00:07:12,488 --> 00:07:14,422
[Crickets chirping]
154
00:07:14,489 --> 00:07:16,908
charlie,
you think my beard
makes--makes me look older?
155
00:07:16,976 --> 00:07:18,410
Mmm, no.
156
00:07:19,011 --> 00:07:20,245
Really?
157
00:07:20,313 --> 00:07:22,614
Yeah, it's your hairline
that makes you look older.
158
00:07:24,517 --> 00:07:27,385
Well, rebecca,
the contest is almost over.
159
00:07:28,203 --> 00:07:30,388
You only got
about 24 more hours
160
00:07:30,456 --> 00:07:33,591
to keep stealing those
subtle little glances
at me.
161
00:07:34,893 --> 00:07:36,361
What are you talking about?
162
00:07:36,429 --> 00:07:39,180
Oh, come on,
i've seen you
lookin' at me
163
00:07:39,182 --> 00:07:40,849
over your shoulder
like.
164
00:07:40,917 --> 00:07:43,518
A little ashamed but not
bein' able to stop yourself.
165
00:07:43,586 --> 00:07:44,819
Yeah, right.
166
00:07:44,887 --> 00:07:48,256
You look like you live
in the woods and chop trees.
167
00:07:48,323 --> 00:07:51,092
In this fantasy of yours,
is my shirt on or off?
168
00:07:51,160 --> 00:07:52,928
Oh, please.
169
00:07:52,995 --> 00:07:55,897
With little droplets
of sweat running down
my well formed body
170
00:07:55,965 --> 00:07:57,098
like rivers.
171
00:07:57,166 --> 00:07:59,000
Don't make me laugh.
172
00:08:00,736 --> 00:08:02,036
I saw that.
173
00:08:05,024 --> 00:08:07,225
Sam, sam, get this.
174
00:08:07,293 --> 00:08:09,594
Who do you think i look like
with my beard this way?
175
00:08:09,661 --> 00:08:11,329
Oh, well, that's easy.
176
00:08:11,363 --> 00:08:13,798
You look like that little guy
on the cans of deviled ham.
177
00:08:16,118 --> 00:08:18,920
No, no.
Sigmund freud.
178
00:08:18,988 --> 00:08:20,689
The father
of modern psychoanalysis
179
00:08:20,756 --> 00:08:22,840
and one of the greatest
minds of the 20th century.
180
00:08:22,908 --> 00:08:24,960
He gave all that up
to sell deviled ham?
181
00:08:27,813 --> 00:08:29,381
The man had to live.
182
00:08:31,400 --> 00:08:32,416
You know, lately,
183
00:08:32,484 --> 00:08:33,918
when i'm in my office
taking notes
184
00:08:33,986 --> 00:08:36,403
while some patient is
pouring his guts out,
185
00:08:36,471 --> 00:08:39,307
i imagine i'm dr. Freud
and i'm back in vienna,
186
00:08:39,374 --> 00:08:41,543
hobnobbing with the great
minds of the era,
187
00:08:41,610 --> 00:08:43,511
exchanging quips with jung,
188
00:08:43,579 --> 00:08:45,980
developing the original
theories of psychoanalysis.
189
00:08:46,048 --> 00:08:48,950
You know, before i know it,
the hour's up.
190
00:08:49,017 --> 00:08:52,654
I discover i haven't even
listened to a single thing
the patient's been saying.
191
00:08:53,589 --> 00:08:55,289
It makes a nice change.
192
00:08:59,211 --> 00:09:00,227
Evening, everybody.
193
00:09:00,295 --> 00:09:02,429
(All)
norm.
194
00:09:02,448 --> 00:09:03,731
What can i get you, norm?
195
00:09:03,799 --> 00:09:05,266
Got any flea powder?
196
00:09:06,434 --> 00:09:08,670
No. Just kidding.
Actually,
197
00:09:08,738 --> 00:09:11,372
give me a beer.
I think i'll drown
the little suckers.
198
00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:16,377
Your beard's looking good,
man.
199
00:09:16,429 --> 00:09:17,628
It's filling in nicely.
200
00:09:17,696 --> 00:09:20,198
Yeah, i gotta hand it
to you guys, you are good.
201
00:09:20,266 --> 00:09:22,550
Not in the ball park
with nick tortelli,
though.
202
00:09:22,617 --> 00:09:24,552
Eh?
Now that was a hairy man.
203
00:09:24,619 --> 00:09:25,686
Yeah.
204
00:09:25,754 --> 00:09:27,889
You know, the first time
i saw him naked,
205
00:09:27,957 --> 00:09:30,225
i couldn't even tell
he was naked.
206
00:09:32,311 --> 00:09:36,063
But then, who would
have expected it
at bob's big boy?
207
00:09:41,887 --> 00:09:45,290
Oh, hide everybody.
Hide, hide.
208
00:09:45,358 --> 00:09:47,024
It's the wolf man.
209
00:09:47,092 --> 00:09:48,309
Oh, oh.
210
00:09:54,566 --> 00:09:56,885
Oh, no, no.
211
00:09:56,952 --> 00:09:59,387
Sorry, relax.
It's just cliff.
212
00:10:01,123 --> 00:10:03,624
Very funny, norm.
Very funny.
213
00:10:03,692 --> 00:10:05,160
Don't give up
your day job, huh?
214
00:10:05,227 --> 00:10:07,828
Oh, that's right.
You don't have a day job.
215
00:10:07,896 --> 00:10:09,330
[All exclaiming]
216
00:10:09,431 --> 00:10:10,881
all right, come on, cliff,
admit it.
217
00:10:10,949 --> 00:10:13,401
The beard looks
a little pathetic, huh?
218
00:10:13,469 --> 00:10:16,637
Apology accepted, norm.
219
00:10:16,705 --> 00:10:19,123
You know, you guys,
tomorrow is woody's
opening night.
220
00:10:19,191 --> 00:10:21,459
And he is really excited.
So, why don't we chip in--
221
00:10:21,526 --> 00:10:24,045
[screaming]
wolf man.
222
00:10:26,398 --> 00:10:27,732
I love that gag.
223
00:10:41,884 --> 00:10:44,535
Emily, i'm gonna do my best.
224
00:10:45,337 --> 00:10:47,404
I love you, emily.
225
00:10:47,472 --> 00:10:48,856
I need you.
226
00:10:50,375 --> 00:10:51,892
Well, if you love me--
227
00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:53,494
wait, wait. Stop.
228
00:10:53,561 --> 00:10:56,547
Woody, honey,
tomorrow is opening night.
229
00:10:56,614 --> 00:10:59,132
I'm not getting love
from you.
230
00:10:59,284 --> 00:11:01,468
Well, i really do
respect your work, sir.
231
00:11:02,470 --> 00:11:05,556
Not for me. For emily.
232
00:11:05,558 --> 00:11:06,991
When you say
"i love you",
233
00:11:07,058 --> 00:11:09,393
i don't believe you're
really talking to this girl.
234
00:11:09,461 --> 00:11:10,495
Again, please.
235
00:11:13,198 --> 00:11:14,665
I love you, emily.
236
00:11:14,733 --> 00:11:16,300
No, no, no.
237
00:11:16,368 --> 00:11:18,852
Ron, honey,
you wanna help woody
run lines for a minute?
238
00:11:18,921 --> 00:11:20,754
Do i have to?
239
00:11:20,822 --> 00:11:22,990
What kind
of a theater is this, ron?
240
00:11:23,058 --> 00:11:25,075
Community theater.
241
00:11:25,143 --> 00:11:28,262
Come on, woody.
242
00:11:28,330 --> 00:11:30,831
Emily, honey, we--we got
a little problem here.
243
00:11:30,899 --> 00:11:34,435
Is it me? Because
i really felt connected
in that last run through.
244
00:11:35,521 --> 00:11:38,055
Honey, you're the best
actress we have.
245
00:11:38,974 --> 00:11:40,541
No. It's woody.
246
00:11:40,543 --> 00:11:42,944
I--i think i may have
to replace him in the part.
247
00:11:43,011 --> 00:11:44,178
Every time
he has to touch you,
248
00:11:44,246 --> 00:11:45,946
or play anything
resembling a love scene,
249
00:11:46,014 --> 00:11:47,347
he--he just freezes up.
250
00:11:47,415 --> 00:11:49,400
Maybe, i can get him
to loosen up.
251
00:11:49,468 --> 00:11:51,152
Oh, give it a try.
252
00:11:51,219 --> 00:11:53,687
Suppose if you could get him
past that one little block,
253
00:11:53,755 --> 00:11:56,340
then we could
be free to work on
all his other blocks.
254
00:11:57,942 --> 00:11:59,694
I'll try, mr. Bradken.
255
00:11:59,761 --> 00:12:01,996
Uh, woody, honey,
want to come back
center stage?
256
00:12:03,832 --> 00:12:06,533
Emily is gonna work
with you a little longer.
257
00:12:06,601 --> 00:12:09,220
Come on, ron. I need a lift
to my sister's up at the cape.
258
00:12:09,287 --> 00:12:10,387
Do i have to?
259
00:12:10,455 --> 00:12:11,621
Ron.
260
00:12:11,689 --> 00:12:13,357
Community theater.
261
00:12:16,578 --> 00:12:18,179
I don't know
what i'm doin' wrong.
262
00:12:18,247 --> 00:12:19,380
I'm centered.
263
00:12:19,448 --> 00:12:21,115
I'm--i'm breathing
from my diaphragm.
264
00:12:21,183 --> 00:12:22,550
I found my focal point.
265
00:12:22,618 --> 00:12:25,402
I'm not chewing gum.
266
00:12:25,470 --> 00:12:27,288
Why don't we try
improvising a little?
267
00:12:27,356 --> 00:12:28,956
We'll get on our ladders
268
00:12:29,024 --> 00:12:31,392
and we'll just say
whatever we think
our characters are thinking.
269
00:12:31,460 --> 00:12:34,495
And remember,
george and emily
are 2 innocent kids
270
00:12:34,563 --> 00:12:36,196
playing around with love.
271
00:12:36,264 --> 00:12:38,732
They're consumed by
the fire of their passion.
272
00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:40,267
Don't you think?
273
00:12:42,737 --> 00:12:44,288
Ok, i'll start.
274
00:12:49,026 --> 00:12:52,346
It's a beautiful moon,
isn't it, woody?
I mean, george.
275
00:12:52,413 --> 00:12:54,832
It sure is, emily.
I mean, emily.
276
00:12:59,371 --> 00:13:01,505
I hate to waste
a romantic night like this
277
00:13:01,573 --> 00:13:03,256
when we could be
278
00:13:03,324 --> 00:13:05,342
exploring our feelings
for each other.
279
00:13:07,479 --> 00:13:10,530
What are you doin'
improvising on my ladder?
280
00:13:10,598 --> 00:13:12,483
Come on, woody,
don't be shy.
281
00:13:12,551 --> 00:13:14,668
Well, i'm not.
There's just that
perfectly good ladder
282
00:13:14,736 --> 00:13:17,287
over there
that nobody's improvising on.
283
00:13:17,355 --> 00:13:20,307
Woody,
i think we need to feel
the same passion and fire
284
00:13:20,375 --> 00:13:22,209
that george and emily felt.
285
00:13:22,277 --> 00:13:23,494
Now.
286
00:13:23,561 --> 00:13:25,262
Woody,
what are you doing?
287
00:13:25,330 --> 00:13:27,197
Improvising
the farewell scene.
288
00:13:27,265 --> 00:13:28,816
There is no farewell scene.
289
00:13:28,883 --> 00:13:30,183
There is now.
290
00:13:34,589 --> 00:13:36,457
So there i am,
hangin' from a rope,
291
00:13:36,524 --> 00:13:39,393
and she says she wants
to experience love with me.
292
00:13:39,461 --> 00:13:41,145
[All exclaiming]
293
00:13:41,212 --> 00:13:42,379
on a rope?
294
00:13:44,516 --> 00:13:46,950
Ooh, boy,
she must be strong, huh?
295
00:13:50,138 --> 00:13:52,422
She was comin' on to me
really strong.
296
00:13:52,491 --> 00:13:54,892
She said she wanted
to get close to me.
297
00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:57,561
She kept talkin'
about flames and passion.
298
00:13:57,629 --> 00:13:59,663
I mean, this girl wants me
and i don't even know her.
299
00:13:59,731 --> 00:14:01,198
Does that ever
happen to you, sam?
300
00:14:01,265 --> 00:14:03,267
Ah, not this afternoon.
301
00:14:04,803 --> 00:14:07,271
[Exclaiming]
she just got in
under the wire.
302
00:14:10,108 --> 00:14:12,059
What if kelly finds out?
She won't understand.
303
00:14:12,126 --> 00:14:15,513
She's already upset because
i haven't been spendin'
a lot of time with her.
304
00:14:15,580 --> 00:14:16,797
Ah, she's got
to understand.
305
00:14:16,864 --> 00:14:19,066
You're in a play.
You have rehearsals.
306
00:14:19,134 --> 00:14:22,570
Well, i haven't exactly
told kelly i'm in a play.
Why not?
307
00:14:22,637 --> 00:14:25,806
Well, kelly's kind of
an old-fashioned girl.
308
00:14:25,873 --> 00:14:29,593
This play has a lot
of stuff like kissin'
and homework and dying.
309
00:14:29,661 --> 00:14:31,662
Believe me, our town
isn't the kind of play
310
00:14:31,730 --> 00:14:33,648
you want to take
a nice girl to.
311
00:14:35,517 --> 00:14:39,253
Woody, woody,
you got to tell kelly
you're rehearsin' a play.
312
00:14:39,321 --> 00:14:41,355
(Norm)
i'm afraid sammy's right.
313
00:14:41,423 --> 00:14:43,941
[Phone ringing]
you can't go sneakin' out
nights on somebody you love.
314
00:14:44,008 --> 00:14:46,059
Woody, you have to believe
that truth...
315
00:14:46,061 --> 00:14:47,144
norm, it's vera.
I'm not here.
316
00:14:47,296 --> 00:14:50,063
...and honesty
are the cornerstones
of any relationship.
317
00:14:51,366 --> 00:14:53,017
You're right, mr. "P."
318
00:14:53,085 --> 00:14:56,136
Kelly's coming by
later this afternoon.
I'm gonna tell her the truth.
319
00:14:56,204 --> 00:14:57,704
Good man, wood.
You know, after all,
320
00:14:57,772 --> 00:15:00,640
being a proud member
of the theater world
is nothing to be ashamed of.
321
00:15:00,708 --> 00:15:01,842
How would you know?
322
00:15:01,910 --> 00:15:03,594
Oh, well,
back in my university days
323
00:15:03,662 --> 00:15:05,179
i once trod the boards.
324
00:15:05,246 --> 00:15:08,098
Most memorably
as man number 2
in our production of can-can.
325
00:15:10,518 --> 00:15:12,219
I didn't know that,
dr. Crane.
326
00:15:12,287 --> 00:15:15,322
Oh, yes. It's the only time
i seriously considered
giving up psychology
327
00:15:15,390 --> 00:15:16,991
for--for the arts.
328
00:15:17,058 --> 00:15:19,026
But i couldn't
disappoint my father.
329
00:15:19,094 --> 00:15:20,560
No, sir. Not him.
330
00:15:21,329 --> 00:15:23,130
I remember opening night.
331
00:15:23,198 --> 00:15:25,466
I stared breathlessly out
from behind the curtain
332
00:15:25,500 --> 00:15:28,268
to see-- to see if he'd taken
the seat i'd left for him.
333
00:15:28,336 --> 00:15:31,538
But he was too busy
with his experiments
to show up.
334
00:15:31,606 --> 00:15:34,108
Always involved with those
damned experiments.
335
00:15:34,175 --> 00:15:35,575
Dad was a scientist,
huh?
336
00:15:35,643 --> 00:15:37,044
No, he was a white rat.
337
00:15:40,348 --> 00:15:42,516
Of course
he was a scientist, you nit.
338
00:15:47,088 --> 00:15:51,225
You see, my father wanted me
to go into psychology.
He insisted on it.
339
00:15:51,292 --> 00:15:54,061
At the time,
i hated him for it.
340
00:15:54,129 --> 00:15:57,898
And he died
before i had a chance
to realize that he was right
341
00:15:57,965 --> 00:16:00,334
and i never got to tell him.
342
00:16:00,402 --> 00:16:02,403
It's funny, isn't it?
343
00:16:02,471 --> 00:16:05,005
That's a good one
all right, dr. Crane.
344
00:16:10,678 --> 00:16:12,913
Woody.
345
00:16:12,981 --> 00:16:17,134
I meant funny
in a sad, ironic way.
346
00:16:17,735 --> 00:16:19,786
I know. Those kill me.
347
00:16:25,744 --> 00:16:27,478
All right, losers.
348
00:16:27,545 --> 00:16:30,814
Let's count the hair
on our chinny chin chins.
349
00:16:30,882 --> 00:16:32,816
(Carla)
come off it, clavin.
350
00:16:32,884 --> 00:16:36,353
If you expect us
to believe you grew
that phony beard overnight,
351
00:16:36,420 --> 00:16:38,455
you're as stupid
as you look.
352
00:16:38,523 --> 00:16:40,491
No chance of that,
carla.
353
00:16:41,776 --> 00:16:46,146
No, this, uh, righteous
facial moss is pure clavin.
354
00:16:46,214 --> 00:16:47,164
Yeah. Baloney.
355
00:16:47,232 --> 00:16:48,481
[Cliff grunting]
356
00:16:48,549 --> 00:16:50,350
this thing is
really on there.
357
00:16:50,418 --> 00:16:53,721
Hey, hey, all right.
Knock it off.
358
00:16:53,788 --> 00:16:55,822
Come on, guys.
I told you.
359
00:16:55,890 --> 00:16:57,558
I told you, clavin hair
grows in spurts.
360
00:16:57,626 --> 00:17:00,193
It runs in the family.
As a matter of fact,
grandpa clavin,
361
00:17:00,261 --> 00:17:02,730
he used to let us hang
from his beard.
362
00:17:02,798 --> 00:17:05,299
No, wait a second.
Grandpa clavin died
when i was 6.
363
00:17:05,366 --> 00:17:07,268
Who was that guy?
364
00:17:08,470 --> 00:17:09,503
Ok.
365
00:17:09,571 --> 00:17:11,705
It's time to pick
who has the best beard.
366
00:17:11,772 --> 00:17:12,806
Great!
367
00:17:12,873 --> 00:17:14,124
Test number one.
368
00:17:14,191 --> 00:17:15,926
If all the contestants
will please line up,
369
00:17:15,994 --> 00:17:18,729
my lovely assistant
will help me
370
00:17:18,796 --> 00:17:20,998
with the beer
absorption test.
371
00:17:21,065 --> 00:17:22,966
Ah.
Beer absorption test.
372
00:17:23,034 --> 00:17:24,167
Thank you.
373
00:17:25,654 --> 00:17:27,321
(Sam)
hey, whoa.
374
00:17:30,191 --> 00:17:31,459
Vanna.
375
00:17:34,378 --> 00:17:35,629
[Slurping]
376
00:17:35,697 --> 00:17:37,530
norm, no cheating.
377
00:17:43,121 --> 00:17:44,755
Woody.
378
00:17:44,823 --> 00:17:46,523
(Woody)
hi, emily,
what are you doin' here?
379
00:17:46,525 --> 00:17:49,059
Try the cheeks now, boys.
Really roll ' em around
in there.
380
00:17:49,126 --> 00:17:51,178
Come on, come on,
soak up every drop.
381
00:17:51,246 --> 00:17:53,496
You know, this counts
as one-fifth of your score.
382
00:17:54,682 --> 00:17:55,699
No eyebrows.
383
00:17:55,767 --> 00:17:56,833
(Emily)
are you ok?
384
00:17:56,901 --> 00:17:58,334
Sure. Fine.
385
00:17:58,402 --> 00:18:00,771
I just wanted to make sure
i didn't scare you last night.
386
00:18:00,838 --> 00:18:02,873
I wasn't coming on to you
or anything.
387
00:18:02,941 --> 00:18:05,992
I was just trying
to motivate you, to stir
something inside of you.
388
00:18:06,027 --> 00:18:09,179
I never wanted anything
to actually happen between us.
389
00:18:09,181 --> 00:18:10,330
Well, i've heard of that.
390
00:18:10,398 --> 00:18:12,349
Yeah,
it's called method acting.
391
00:18:12,351 --> 00:18:15,252
Where i come from,
they call it
a certain kind of teasing.
392
00:18:16,788 --> 00:18:18,689
Where can we
go to rehearse?
393
00:18:18,757 --> 00:18:21,124
What about the pool room?
Oh, ok.
394
00:18:21,192 --> 00:18:22,693
Do you know,
we only have 4 hours
395
00:18:22,760 --> 00:18:25,395
to make an audience believe
that we are a young couple
396
00:18:25,463 --> 00:18:27,898
growing up, falling in love,
getting married and dying?
397
00:18:27,966 --> 00:18:30,601
Well, they'd have to be
pretty stupid to buy that.
398
00:18:33,388 --> 00:18:35,188
No.
That didn't stick.
399
00:18:37,708 --> 00:18:40,994
Just what are you
trying to accomplish
with this test anyway?
400
00:18:41,062 --> 00:18:43,580
Nothin'. I'm trying
to put out your eye.
401
00:18:47,368 --> 00:18:49,653
I love you, emily.
I need you.
402
00:18:53,324 --> 00:18:55,442
It should be more like this.
403
00:18:58,713 --> 00:19:00,547
Woody.
404
00:19:00,615 --> 00:19:02,115
I can't believe it.
405
00:19:02,183 --> 00:19:03,950
Wait, kelly,
it's not what it looks like.
406
00:19:04,018 --> 00:19:06,320
Don't make excuses,
woody.
407
00:19:06,388 --> 00:19:08,438
Now i see what's going on.
408
00:19:08,506 --> 00:19:11,024
You're busy every night
and you won't tell me why.
409
00:19:11,092 --> 00:19:12,927
I walk in here
and find the two of you
410
00:19:12,994 --> 00:19:14,511
kissing in the back room
of a bar.
411
00:19:14,579 --> 00:19:16,263
It all adds up.
412
00:19:16,330 --> 00:19:19,066
You're in a play
and you didn't even tell me.
413
00:19:22,737 --> 00:19:24,905
Wait, maybe i was
just cheating on you.
414
00:19:26,140 --> 00:19:28,208
4,061.
415
00:19:28,676 --> 00:19:31,662
4,062.
416
00:19:31,730 --> 00:19:33,313
Wait,
this is a misunderstanding.
417
00:19:33,381 --> 00:19:34,615
(Emily)
yeah, listen to him.
418
00:19:34,682 --> 00:19:35,916
(Kelly)
you stay out of this.
419
00:19:35,984 --> 00:19:37,935
Huh, woody's babes
comin' to blows.
420
00:19:38,002 --> 00:19:39,602
Cat fight.
Cat fight.
421
00:19:39,671 --> 00:19:41,138
(All)
cat fight.
422
00:19:41,206 --> 00:19:42,689
You get out of my way
right now,
423
00:19:42,757 --> 00:19:45,626
or so help me,
i'll--i'll hurt your feelings.
424
00:19:47,094 --> 00:19:49,195
You do and i'll hurt
yours right back.
425
00:19:49,197 --> 00:19:50,114
Kitten fight.
426
00:19:50,181 --> 00:19:51,314
Kitten fight.
Kitten fight.
427
00:19:53,635 --> 00:19:55,585
Look,
i'm really sorry.
428
00:19:55,653 --> 00:19:59,055
I-- when i get miffed,
the adrenaline
just goes crazy.
429
00:19:59,123 --> 00:20:01,708
Kelly, i didn't tell you
about the play
430
00:20:01,776 --> 00:20:04,044
because i thought
you might be uncomfortable
431
00:20:04,112 --> 00:20:06,079
seeing me kiss and hug
another woman.
432
00:20:06,147 --> 00:20:08,632
Oh, come on, woody.
I've seen plays before.
433
00:20:08,699 --> 00:20:11,819
I can't believe
you didn't trust me
enough to understand.
434
00:20:11,886 --> 00:20:15,572
I didn't want to take
the chance of somethin'
comin' in between us.
435
00:20:15,640 --> 00:20:17,007
You're my girlfriend.
436
00:20:17,075 --> 00:20:18,691
I love you, kelly.
437
00:20:18,759 --> 00:20:20,944
Why can't you say it
to me like that?
438
00:20:21,012 --> 00:20:23,764
Well, i don't love you.
I love kelly.
439
00:20:23,832 --> 00:20:26,133
Can't you pretend i'm kelly?
440
00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:28,184
Would that be ok,
kelly?
441
00:20:28,252 --> 00:20:31,504
Well, all right,
but just for the play.
442
00:20:35,176 --> 00:20:36,709
I'm sorry.
443
00:20:36,778 --> 00:20:38,779
I--i just can't look you
in the eyes when i say that.
444
00:20:38,846 --> 00:20:41,899
[Sighing]
well, why don't you try
starting on something else?
445
00:20:41,966 --> 00:20:43,634
Just say it to the air.
446
00:20:45,787 --> 00:20:47,387
I love you, air.
447
00:20:47,822 --> 00:20:48,855
Great.
448
00:20:48,923 --> 00:20:51,241
All right,
now say it to this guy.
449
00:20:51,308 --> 00:20:53,259
I love you, tecumseh.
450
00:20:54,762 --> 00:20:56,730
Hey, i'm starting
to get the hang of this.
451
00:20:56,797 --> 00:20:58,248
I love you, miss howe.
452
00:20:58,315 --> 00:21:00,083
Thank you, woody.
453
00:21:00,151 --> 00:21:02,486
I love you, mr. Clavin.
454
00:21:02,554 --> 00:21:05,973
Well, woody, it takes
quite a man to admit that.
455
00:21:07,158 --> 00:21:08,992
I was just actin'.
456
00:21:09,060 --> 00:21:10,426
Oh, yeah. So was i.
457
00:21:16,918 --> 00:21:18,285
I'm starting to get this.
458
00:21:18,352 --> 00:21:20,003
Now say it to me.
459
00:21:20,005 --> 00:21:21,888
I love you, emily.
460
00:21:22,791 --> 00:21:24,324
Oh, woody,
461
00:21:24,392 --> 00:21:26,560
mr. Bradken said
that if you didn't
get over this,
462
00:21:26,627 --> 00:21:28,211
he's gonna replace you
in the part.
463
00:21:28,279 --> 00:21:29,880
I love you, emily.
464
00:21:33,100 --> 00:21:36,769
So that's the secret
to acting. Fear.
465
00:21:36,837 --> 00:21:39,072
So what other bad things
did he say about me?
466
00:21:39,924 --> 00:21:40,958
[Chiming]
467
00:21:41,025 --> 00:21:42,492
hear ye, hear ye.
468
00:21:42,560 --> 00:21:44,477
Here are the results
you've all been waiting for.
469
00:21:44,629 --> 00:21:46,346
And the winner is...
470
00:21:47,682 --> 00:21:49,416
[snickering]
cliff clavin.
471
00:21:49,467 --> 00:21:50,717
Oh, man.
472
00:21:50,785 --> 00:21:52,652
Hey, hey,
all right.
473
00:21:52,720 --> 00:21:54,204
Well,
we know it's not fixed.
474
00:21:54,271 --> 00:21:55,588
But you should be.
475
00:21:59,377 --> 00:22:00,961
Well, don't look at me,
you guys,
476
00:22:01,028 --> 00:22:02,512
he passed all the tests.
477
00:22:02,580 --> 00:22:04,631
Yep, i'm gonna go
call my barber.
478
00:22:05,967 --> 00:22:07,334
Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah.
479
00:22:07,401 --> 00:22:08,602
Tell him i won the contest
480
00:22:08,669 --> 00:22:11,455
in spite of that inch
he trimmed off my beard.
481
00:22:11,457 --> 00:22:12,856
Well, i suppose it's time
we shave.
482
00:22:12,924 --> 00:22:14,490
Yeah.
483
00:22:14,558 --> 00:22:16,226
To tell you the truth
i'm going to kind
of miss the old beard.
484
00:22:16,294 --> 00:22:19,429
Yeah. I rather
enjoyed looking like
485
00:22:19,496 --> 00:22:21,564
a macho, grizzly,
gnarly kind of guy
486
00:22:21,632 --> 00:22:24,267
that my wife wouldn't
come near with
a 10 foot pole.
487
00:22:25,770 --> 00:22:27,470
I, uh, i'd like
to talk to somebody
488
00:22:27,538 --> 00:22:30,107
about one of your
industrial adhesive products.
489
00:22:33,261 --> 00:22:34,627
So,
what do you think?
490
00:22:34,695 --> 00:22:36,029
Should i keep it
or lose it?
491
00:22:36,097 --> 00:22:37,764
I know
how sexy you think it is.
492
00:22:37,831 --> 00:22:39,766
Well, you know, sam,
to tell you the truth,
493
00:22:39,833 --> 00:22:42,802
i think, the sexiest part
about a beard is when
a man shaves it.
494
00:22:42,870 --> 00:22:44,354
Oh, yeah?
Mmm-hmm.
495
00:22:44,422 --> 00:22:46,239
You know, i've always
had this little fantasy
496
00:22:46,307 --> 00:22:48,008
about sitting
in a guy's lap,
497
00:22:48,076 --> 00:22:50,644
and lathering him up
real good,
498
00:22:50,712 --> 00:22:54,831
and taking it off,
taking it all off.
499
00:22:54,899 --> 00:22:58,568
Well, what's the point
of having a fantasy
unless you make it real?
500
00:22:58,636 --> 00:23:00,536
I agree. I'm gonna do it.
501
00:23:00,604 --> 00:23:01,922
Oh, yeah?
502
00:23:01,990 --> 00:23:03,991
Norm, can you come
in my office, please?
503
00:23:09,597 --> 00:23:10,697
(Cliff)
i see.
504
00:23:10,765 --> 00:23:11,814
I see.
505
00:23:11,882 --> 00:23:13,466
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
506
00:23:13,534 --> 00:23:15,068
Uh-huh. Yeah, well,
507
00:23:15,136 --> 00:23:16,503
just for the sake
of argument,
508
00:23:16,570 --> 00:23:19,339
suppose it did come
in contact with human skin?
509
00:23:21,776 --> 00:23:24,410
Now, can they do that
on an outpatient basis?
38106
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