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1
00:00:02,703 --> 00:00:04,372
Cheers is filmed before
A live studio audience.
2
00:00:06,274 --> 00:00:07,875
Good evening,
Mr. Clavin.
3
00:00:07,875 --> 00:00:09,477
How lovely
To see you again.
4
00:00:09,477 --> 00:00:12,313
It's a trick, isn't it?
You're going to hurt me.
5
00:00:12,313 --> 00:00:13,714
Yeah, what's
The story here,
Carla?
6
00:00:13,714 --> 00:00:16,050
You've been
Acting very strange
All evening.
7
00:00:16,050 --> 00:00:17,518
Why? What did I do?
8
00:00:17,518 --> 00:00:19,353
Well, for example,
You've poured me 3 beers
9
00:00:19,353 --> 00:00:22,490
Without once flicking
The foam on my nose.
10
00:00:22,490 --> 00:00:25,993
You haven't even
Spit on anybody.
11
00:00:25,993 --> 00:00:27,061
What is it, honey?
12
00:00:27,061 --> 00:00:29,063
Trouble at home?
13
00:00:29,063 --> 00:00:31,031
All right. I'm going
To tell you guys.
14
00:00:31,031 --> 00:00:33,334
I went to see madame lazoro
This morning.
15
00:00:33,334 --> 00:00:34,968
Your fortune teller?
16
00:00:34,968 --> 00:00:37,138
Palmist.
17
00:00:37,138 --> 00:00:38,239
Anyway, she told me
18
00:00:38,239 --> 00:00:40,474
That my courtesy
To others tonight
19
00:00:40,474 --> 00:00:43,511
Could result
In substantial wealth.
20
00:00:43,511 --> 00:00:46,680
And, I'm telling you,
Tonight I'm taking
No chances.
21
00:00:46,680 --> 00:00:48,516
What, you're not
Even going to insult
Anybody?
22
00:00:48,516 --> 00:00:50,651
Well, not unless
I can do it so subtly
23
00:00:50,651 --> 00:00:53,087
That he doesn't know
He's been insulted.
24
00:00:53,087 --> 00:00:56,190
No, tonight the bigger
Jackass the guy is,
25
00:00:56,190 --> 00:00:59,059
The more courteous
I am going to be.
26
00:00:59,059 --> 00:01:02,163
I'll start
With numero uno.
27
00:01:02,163 --> 00:01:03,831
Now, I do hope
You'll allow me
28
00:01:03,831 --> 00:01:05,666
The incredible privilege
29
00:01:05,666 --> 00:01:08,136
Of serving you a beer,
Mr. Clavin.
30
00:01:16,144 --> 00:01:18,246
* sometimes
You want to go *
31
00:01:18,246 --> 00:01:21,582
* where everybody
Knows your name *
32
00:01:23,651 --> 00:01:26,820
* and they're always
Glad you came *
33
00:01:28,256 --> 00:01:30,758
* you want to be
Where you can see *
34
00:01:30,758 --> 00:01:33,361
* our troubles
Are all the same *
35
00:01:33,361 --> 00:01:34,562
* you want to go *
36
00:01:34,562 --> 00:01:37,665
* where everybody
Knows your name *
37
00:01:52,646 --> 00:01:54,582
You're in early
Tonight, frasier.
38
00:01:54,582 --> 00:01:57,351
Yes. I'm meeting
A former colleague,
Dr. Lawrence crandell,
39
00:01:57,351 --> 00:01:58,452
For a refiner drink.
40
00:01:58,452 --> 00:02:00,087
He's in town
On a book tour.
41
00:02:00,087 --> 00:02:01,322
Oh, yeah?
He's a writer, huh?
42
00:02:01,322 --> 00:02:02,490
Ooh,
I should say so.
43
00:02:02,490 --> 00:02:04,124
He's written
A raging bestseller.
44
00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:05,193
You know,
If I weren't so
45
00:02:05,193 --> 00:02:06,527
Thoroughly happy
In my own life,
46
00:02:06,527 --> 00:02:08,862
I might even stoop
To being
Just a bit envious
47
00:02:08,862 --> 00:02:09,963
Of
A former colleague
48
00:02:09,963 --> 00:02:11,765
Who's now so
Wildly successful.
49
00:02:11,765 --> 00:02:13,401
Well, that is if
You measure success
50
00:02:13,401 --> 00:02:17,738
By dollars and cents
And popularity,
Personal fame.
51
00:02:17,738 --> 00:02:18,839
I'm happy for him.
52
00:02:18,839 --> 00:02:19,840
What's the book about?
53
00:02:19,840 --> 00:02:22,376
Who gives a damn?
54
00:02:22,376 --> 00:02:24,745
Sorry. It's
A marriage manual.
55
00:02:24,745 --> 00:02:27,781
It's entitled
The forever couple--
56
00:02:27,781 --> 00:02:29,450
The joy of loving
One person
57
00:02:29,450 --> 00:02:30,751
For the rest
Of your life.
58
00:02:30,751 --> 00:02:34,555
Ah, science fiction.
Those usually sell great.
59
00:02:34,555 --> 00:02:36,357
But, you know, success
Does have its price tag.
60
00:02:36,357 --> 00:02:39,893
He's been away
From his wife valerie for
The better part of a year.
61
00:02:39,893 --> 00:02:41,195
Jeez, I think I'd go crazy
62
00:02:41,195 --> 00:02:42,663
If I was away
From lilith for that long.
63
00:02:42,663 --> 00:02:44,131
I don't even like
To think about it.
64
00:02:44,131 --> 00:02:45,132
I'll bet.
65
00:02:45,132 --> 00:02:47,868
Well, I do
Think about it.
66
00:02:47,868 --> 00:02:49,703
I don't enjoy it.
67
00:02:49,703 --> 00:02:50,471
Sure not.
68
00:02:50,471 --> 00:02:52,706
Well, I do
Enjoy it.
69
00:02:52,706 --> 00:02:53,941
I'm not proud
Of the fact.
70
00:02:57,978 --> 00:02:59,012
Frasier.
71
00:02:59,012 --> 00:03:00,314
Larry, good
To see you again.
72
00:03:00,314 --> 00:03:01,415
Good to see you.
73
00:03:01,415 --> 00:03:02,483
Have I told you
How thrilled I am
74
00:03:02,483 --> 00:03:03,651
About the success
Of your book?
75
00:03:03,651 --> 00:03:04,418
Yes, you have.
76
00:03:04,418 --> 00:03:05,453
It's a fabulous book.
77
00:03:05,453 --> 00:03:06,587
You know, I was
Just thinking
78
00:03:06,587 --> 00:03:07,755
What a wonderful gift
It would make.
79
00:03:07,755 --> 00:03:08,989
Have you read it?
80
00:03:08,989 --> 00:03:12,826
Well, no. I was
Hoping someone might
Give it to me.
81
00:03:12,826 --> 00:03:13,761
Let me get you
A drink.
82
00:03:13,761 --> 00:03:15,763
Well, thanks. Black
And white, neat.
83
00:03:15,763 --> 00:03:18,899
Ah, lawrence,
This is rebecca howe,
84
00:03:18,899 --> 00:03:20,100
This is
Lawrence crandell.
85
00:03:20,100 --> 00:03:21,235
Pleased
To meet you.
86
00:03:21,235 --> 00:03:23,170
And this is
Sam malone.
87
00:03:23,170 --> 00:03:25,005
Oh, not
The sam malone.
88
00:03:25,005 --> 00:03:26,139
You're a hell
Of a pitcher.
89
00:03:26,139 --> 00:03:29,009
I saw you strike out
Reggie jackson.
90
00:03:29,009 --> 00:03:30,778
Made him look
Like a fool.
91
00:03:30,778 --> 00:03:32,913
Hardly blame him
For knocking you
Off the mound
92
00:03:32,913 --> 00:03:36,284
The next time up
With that
Line drive.
93
00:03:36,284 --> 00:03:37,918
So, uh, frasier
Told me
94
00:03:37,918 --> 00:03:40,254
That you've been
Baching it a long time.
95
00:03:40,254 --> 00:03:41,722
Must be pretty rough, huh?
96
00:03:41,722 --> 00:03:43,324
Say, why didn't you
Just bring valerie
With you?
97
00:03:43,324 --> 00:03:45,593
Well, you know,
She hates to travel.
98
00:03:45,593 --> 00:03:47,961
Besides,
We decided this was
A perfect opportunity
99
00:03:47,961 --> 00:03:51,064
To test my theories
About marital fidelity.
100
00:03:51,064 --> 00:03:54,402
And I'm glad to say
After 10 months
Of celibacy,
101
00:03:54,402 --> 00:03:58,071
I can now pronounce
My principles sound.
102
00:03:58,071 --> 00:03:59,340
After 10 months
Of celibacy,
103
00:03:59,340 --> 00:04:01,309
I couldn't even
Pronounce my name.
104
00:04:04,778 --> 00:04:07,681
I make it a point
To tell my wife
At least once a day,
105
00:04:07,681 --> 00:04:10,050
"You're my world,
You're my life.
106
00:04:10,050 --> 00:04:11,452
I love you."
107
00:04:11,452 --> 00:04:13,954
I bet my wife would love
To hear those words.
108
00:04:13,954 --> 00:04:15,255
Could you
Give her a call?
109
00:04:19,293 --> 00:04:20,828
So, the book's
Doing pretty good, huh?
110
00:04:20,828 --> 00:04:22,496
Yes, it has been
Received rather well.
111
00:04:22,496 --> 00:04:25,265
In fact,
This last review is
So embarrassingly good,
112
00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:28,268
I should just wad it up
And throw it away,
113
00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:30,704
But I need several
Hundred copies first.
114
00:04:30,704 --> 00:04:32,473
Is there
A photocopying machine
Around here?
115
00:04:32,473 --> 00:04:35,809
Yeah, rebecca's
Got one in her office.
You don't mind, do you?
116
00:04:35,809 --> 00:04:36,977
No, help yourself.
117
00:04:36,977 --> 00:04:38,312
That's very kind of you.
118
00:04:38,312 --> 00:04:39,347
Any special
Instructions?
119
00:04:39,347 --> 00:04:40,581
Yes. Just push
The blue button.
120
00:04:40,581 --> 00:04:41,849
It's right under
The sign that says,
121
00:04:41,849 --> 00:04:44,051
"This machine is
For photocopying documents,
122
00:04:44,051 --> 00:04:44,985
Not your butt."
123
00:04:54,395 --> 00:04:55,363
All set?
124
00:04:55,363 --> 00:04:56,330
Thanks again.
125
00:04:56,330 --> 00:04:57,465
You're welcome.
126
00:05:00,401 --> 00:05:02,169
Miss howe,
May I ask you something?
127
00:05:02,169 --> 00:05:03,471
Sure.
128
00:05:03,471 --> 00:05:04,972
I hope you won't take
This the wrong way,
129
00:05:04,972 --> 00:05:09,477
But my field is
Human sexual dynamics,
130
00:05:09,477 --> 00:05:12,446
And just now I had
The strangest impression--
131
00:05:12,446 --> 00:05:14,915
Please tell me
If I'm wrong--
132
00:05:14,915 --> 00:05:18,251
That something happened
When you and I
Were introduced.
133
00:05:18,251 --> 00:05:19,487
I sensed some spark,
134
00:05:19,487 --> 00:05:22,990
Some flicker
Of response
On your part.
135
00:05:22,990 --> 00:05:24,525
Very subtle,
136
00:05:24,525 --> 00:05:26,960
But unmistakable.
137
00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:29,296
Was I imagining that?
138
00:05:29,296 --> 00:05:30,531
I think so.
139
00:05:32,199 --> 00:05:34,668
Well, my mistake.
140
00:05:34,668 --> 00:05:36,003
I'm sure
You understand.
141
00:05:36,003 --> 00:05:38,572
Of course.
142
00:05:38,572 --> 00:05:41,208
You--you are aware
I wasn't being judgmental.
143
00:05:41,208 --> 00:05:42,576
Of course.
144
00:05:42,576 --> 00:05:44,978
It's the response itself
That interested me,
145
00:05:44,978 --> 00:05:46,780
Purely as
A scientist.
146
00:05:46,780 --> 00:05:49,817
And you are quite sure
That on some very basic level
147
00:05:49,817 --> 00:05:54,087
You didn't experience
An undeniable attraction?
148
00:05:54,087 --> 00:05:56,957
Positive.
149
00:05:56,957 --> 00:05:58,626
Well, I'm glad
We cleared that up.
150
00:06:03,531 --> 00:06:05,098
Still, I can't keep
Wondering...
151
00:06:07,067 --> 00:06:08,368
Whether your subconscious
152
00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:10,303
May not be trying
To tell us something.
153
00:06:10,303 --> 00:06:11,371
I swear to you--
154
00:06:11,371 --> 00:06:13,674
When I hear
Such facile denial,
155
00:06:13,674 --> 00:06:16,143
It always sets off
A little alarm in my head.
156
00:06:16,143 --> 00:06:17,177
Dr. Crandell...
157
00:06:17,177 --> 00:06:19,513
Call me lawrence.
158
00:06:19,513 --> 00:06:22,015
Let me make this
As clear as I know how.
159
00:06:22,015 --> 00:06:25,953
There was no attraction
When we met or since.
160
00:06:25,953 --> 00:06:27,455
I felt nothing.
161
00:06:27,455 --> 00:06:29,289
I feel nothing.
162
00:06:29,289 --> 00:06:31,959
Zero. Nada. Zip.
163
00:06:34,061 --> 00:06:35,463
Zip.
164
00:06:35,463 --> 00:06:37,731
Interesting unconscious
Choice of words.
165
00:06:42,269 --> 00:06:43,804
Try this word--
166
00:06:43,804 --> 00:06:45,072
Out!
167
00:06:45,072 --> 00:06:46,139
All right. Sorry.
168
00:06:48,275 --> 00:06:49,176
Man!
169
00:06:51,979 --> 00:06:53,046
[knock on door]
170
00:06:53,046 --> 00:06:54,314
I give up!
171
00:06:54,314 --> 00:06:55,883
You make me crazy
With desire
172
00:06:55,883 --> 00:06:57,618
And I can't keep
My hands off you!
173
00:06:57,618 --> 00:06:58,886
What do you want?
174
00:07:02,856 --> 00:07:05,859
Sign these invoices,
And then, be gentle.
175
00:07:15,068 --> 00:07:19,006
Why don't you
Sit over there,
Walter?
176
00:07:19,006 --> 00:07:22,209
Do you suppose
I might trouble you for
Two brandies, miss howe?
177
00:07:22,209 --> 00:07:24,745
Ask the bartender.
178
00:07:24,745 --> 00:07:25,879
Of course
We can help you.
179
00:07:25,879 --> 00:07:27,715
Woody,
Pour dr. Crandell
180
00:07:27,715 --> 00:07:30,383
A couple
Of our house brand.
181
00:07:30,383 --> 00:07:32,586
Two house brands
On the house.
182
00:07:32,586 --> 00:07:35,088
That's very kind
Of you, sam.
183
00:07:35,088 --> 00:07:38,559
One seldom gets to sample
A good nigerian cognac.
184
00:07:41,562 --> 00:07:43,964
Weren't you
Kind of rude
To dr. Crandell?
185
00:07:43,964 --> 00:07:44,932
Was I?
186
00:07:44,932 --> 00:07:46,333
Sorry.
187
00:07:46,333 --> 00:07:47,901
Well, what did he
Ever do to you?
188
00:07:47,901 --> 00:07:49,570
I don't know.
Nothing.
189
00:07:49,570 --> 00:07:51,271
Never mind.
190
00:07:51,271 --> 00:07:53,106
Your hostility
Was unmistakable.
191
00:07:56,076 --> 00:07:58,579
All right.
192
00:07:58,579 --> 00:08:01,515
The man came on to me
In my office.
193
00:08:01,515 --> 00:08:04,184
Dr. Crandell
Came on to you?
194
00:08:04,184 --> 00:08:05,619
What did he do?
195
00:08:05,619 --> 00:08:07,655
Did he touch you?
196
00:08:07,655 --> 00:08:09,356
No, he did not touch me.
197
00:08:09,356 --> 00:08:10,490
Make an indecent
Proposal?
198
00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:11,458
Of course not.
199
00:08:11,458 --> 00:08:12,492
Comment on your looks?
200
00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:13,694
Ask you for a date?
201
00:08:13,694 --> 00:08:18,365
Whistle? Flash? What?
202
00:08:18,365 --> 00:08:21,301
He asked
About my feelings.
203
00:08:21,301 --> 00:08:23,236
The man should
Be horsewhipped.
204
00:08:26,173 --> 00:08:29,276
Of course he asked
About your feelings.
It's his field.
205
00:08:29,276 --> 00:08:30,778
The man is
An analyst.
206
00:08:30,778 --> 00:08:33,981
He's written volumes
On human sexual
Attraction.
207
00:08:33,981 --> 00:08:35,749
So, uh,
Then what happened?
208
00:08:35,749 --> 00:08:38,151
I'll tell you
What happened,
Mr. Smarty-pantses.
209
00:08:41,655 --> 00:08:44,558
He...Thanked me
Politely
210
00:08:44,558 --> 00:08:46,760
And he left.
211
00:08:46,760 --> 00:08:48,829
Oh, that doesn't
Seem so terrible,
Does it?
212
00:08:48,829 --> 00:08:50,163
Rebecca,
I assure you,
213
00:08:50,163 --> 00:08:52,532
You must have
Misunderstood
His intentions.
214
00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:54,001
He's in love
With his wife.
215
00:08:54,001 --> 00:08:56,604
They're the most
Happily-married
Couple I know.
216
00:08:56,604 --> 00:08:58,839
Gee, I guess I could
Have been wrong.
217
00:08:58,839 --> 00:09:02,009
What if he was just
Being psychological
Or something?
218
00:09:02,009 --> 00:09:04,077
I should apologize
To him, huh?
219
00:09:04,077 --> 00:09:06,146
I guess you should.
220
00:09:06,146 --> 00:09:08,148
We'll be in touch.
221
00:09:08,148 --> 00:09:09,717
Dr. Crandell,
222
00:09:09,717 --> 00:09:11,251
May I speak with you
A moment?
223
00:09:11,251 --> 00:09:12,452
What for?
224
00:09:12,452 --> 00:09:16,389
Oh, I want
To apologize to you
225
00:09:16,389 --> 00:09:17,858
For having
That conversation
226
00:09:17,858 --> 00:09:20,060
And me getting
A little bit upset.
227
00:09:20,060 --> 00:09:21,729
I hope you don't
Think me rude.
228
00:09:21,729 --> 00:09:23,030
Oh, of course not.
229
00:09:23,030 --> 00:09:24,832
You answered
My questions
Honestly
230
00:09:24,832 --> 00:09:27,434
In the spirit
In which they
Were asked,
231
00:09:27,434 --> 00:09:28,535
So that's
An end to that.
232
00:09:28,535 --> 00:09:30,203
Oh, thank you.
233
00:09:30,203 --> 00:09:32,272
That's all right.
You meet someone.
234
00:09:32,272 --> 00:09:34,207
You find him
Unattractive,
235
00:09:34,207 --> 00:09:35,342
Even repulsive,
236
00:09:35,342 --> 00:09:36,243
It happens.
237
00:09:38,078 --> 00:09:40,147
Well, I don't think
You're repulsive.
238
00:09:40,147 --> 00:09:43,550
No, no, please, don't
Think you have to worry
About my feelings.
239
00:09:43,550 --> 00:09:45,218
I think you're
An attractive man.
240
00:09:45,218 --> 00:09:46,720
Really? That's
Very flattering.
241
00:09:50,223 --> 00:09:51,024
As a matter of fact,
242
00:09:51,024 --> 00:09:52,125
I'm really
Quite awkward
243
00:09:52,125 --> 00:09:54,161
And uncomfortable
Around women.
244
00:09:54,161 --> 00:09:57,765
As a matter of fact,
The very idea of my
Propositioning you
245
00:09:57,765 --> 00:10:00,067
Or having
An opening line...
246
00:10:00,067 --> 00:10:01,702
Doing something
So blatant as--
247
00:10:01,702 --> 00:10:03,270
Rubbing your foot
Along my leg?
248
00:10:03,270 --> 00:10:04,672
Exactly.
249
00:10:04,672 --> 00:10:06,907
You're doing that
Right now.
250
00:10:06,907 --> 00:10:09,609
Oh, goodness.
Was that you?
251
00:10:09,609 --> 00:10:13,613
I'm sorry. I thought
It was a table leg,
252
00:10:13,613 --> 00:10:15,515
A supple,
Quivering table leg
253
00:10:15,515 --> 00:10:16,917
That
Goes on forever.
254
00:10:18,952 --> 00:10:21,321
Just a natural mistake.
255
00:10:21,321 --> 00:10:23,657
You're still doing it.
256
00:10:23,657 --> 00:10:26,559
You have
A hole in your sock.
257
00:10:26,559 --> 00:10:27,761
Like it?
258
00:10:40,373 --> 00:10:44,044
Dr. Crandell, I want
You to keep your foot
Where it belongs!
259
00:10:44,044 --> 00:10:44,812
Ow!
260
00:10:44,812 --> 00:10:47,447
[telephone rings]
261
00:10:47,447 --> 00:10:48,749
Dr. Crandell.
262
00:10:48,749 --> 00:10:49,717
Telephone.
263
00:10:49,717 --> 00:10:53,353
It's mrs. Dr. Crandell.
264
00:10:53,353 --> 00:10:54,755
Thank you.
265
00:10:54,755 --> 00:10:56,757
I left
The number here.
266
00:10:56,757 --> 00:10:57,925
Hello, honey.
267
00:10:57,925 --> 00:11:00,694
My darling,
My reason for living.
268
00:11:00,694 --> 00:11:03,263
Oh, that
Slimeball hypocrite.
269
00:11:03,263 --> 00:11:04,698
What?
270
00:11:04,698 --> 00:11:07,200
That tears it.
271
00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:09,569
You--you...
272
00:11:09,569 --> 00:11:11,504
What--what was
That about?
273
00:11:11,504 --> 00:11:14,607
He toed my calf.
274
00:11:14,607 --> 00:11:15,575
He what?
275
00:11:15,575 --> 00:11:16,844
Excuse me?
276
00:11:16,844 --> 00:11:19,012
He was rubbing his
Foot on my leg.
277
00:11:19,012 --> 00:11:20,547
Perhaps he was
Just trying to cross
His legs.
278
00:11:20,547 --> 00:11:21,882
He accidentally
Bumped into you.
279
00:11:21,882 --> 00:11:23,450
What do you think
I am? A nitwit?
280
00:11:23,450 --> 00:11:24,752
I am
Telling you that
281
00:11:24,752 --> 00:11:27,320
Your distinguished,
Happily-married
Friend
282
00:11:27,320 --> 00:11:28,288
Was coming on to me.
283
00:11:28,288 --> 00:11:29,790
Oh, please.
He was!
284
00:11:29,790 --> 00:11:31,959
Do you realize that
You're impugning
The reputation of the man
285
00:11:31,959 --> 00:11:34,694
That literally
Wrote the book
On fidelity in marriage?
286
00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:36,396
You've insulted him,
And, frankly,
You've insulted me.
287
00:11:36,396 --> 00:11:37,965
You know, I see
What's going on
Here.
288
00:11:37,965 --> 00:11:39,599
You know,
You just projected
Your frustrations
289
00:11:39,599 --> 00:11:41,969
Onto somebody else
Because it's
Been too long
290
00:11:41,969 --> 00:11:43,737
Since you had
Your tires rotated.
291
00:11:49,009 --> 00:11:51,178
And I am telling you
That he is a lying,
292
00:11:51,178 --> 00:11:54,681
Hypocritical sleaze
Who needs
To be neutered.
293
00:11:54,681 --> 00:11:56,984
Excuse me,
Frasier.
294
00:11:56,984 --> 00:11:58,919
I think I better
Be moving along.
295
00:11:58,919 --> 00:12:01,822
Somehow I've
Antagonized miss howe.
296
00:12:01,822 --> 00:12:03,690
Rather than provoke
Any further embarrassment,
297
00:12:03,690 --> 00:12:04,992
I think it's best
To simply remove
298
00:12:04,992 --> 00:12:06,426
My offending
Personality.
299
00:12:06,426 --> 00:12:07,360
Oh, larry, must you?
300
00:12:07,360 --> 00:12:09,729
No, no. Dr. Crandell,
Please, uh...
301
00:12:09,729 --> 00:12:11,765
See, you got to understand
Something about rebecca
Here.
302
00:12:11,765 --> 00:12:15,435
She's had a very difficult
Past few...Life.
303
00:12:18,371 --> 00:12:20,707
I've sensed some
Emotional problems there.
304
00:12:20,707 --> 00:12:21,909
Oh, it's a pity.
305
00:12:24,144 --> 00:12:25,913
The nerve
Of that man
306
00:12:25,913 --> 00:12:28,681
Saying I have
An emotional
Problem.
307
00:12:28,681 --> 00:12:32,152
I'd like to meet him
In a dark alley
With a cleaver!
308
00:12:40,360 --> 00:12:41,962
Thank you, sir.
309
00:12:41,962 --> 00:12:44,264
No sirs. While
We're together,
310
00:12:44,264 --> 00:12:45,833
You're not
A chambermaid
311
00:12:45,833 --> 00:12:49,769
And I'm not a guest
In a hotel.
312
00:12:49,769 --> 00:12:52,806
We're just two
Vibrant human beings
313
00:12:52,806 --> 00:12:54,875
Ready to snatch
A moment's pleasure.
314
00:12:56,076 --> 00:12:58,879
I like
The way you talk.
315
00:12:58,879 --> 00:13:01,214
Boy, I've never been
In one of these rooms
316
00:13:01,214 --> 00:13:03,483
Without
My vacuum cleaner running.
317
00:13:04,952 --> 00:13:09,056
It's so...Um, quiet.
318
00:13:09,056 --> 00:13:10,657
It is peaceful,
Isn't it?
319
00:13:10,657 --> 00:13:14,327
Oh, yeah. But you know
What's really amazing
About this?
320
00:13:14,327 --> 00:13:16,763
I didn't even
Realize myself
321
00:13:16,763 --> 00:13:18,832
That I was
Attracted to you
322
00:13:18,832 --> 00:13:22,936
Until you told me
You sensed it.
323
00:13:22,936 --> 00:13:24,737
Well,
Human behavior's
324
00:13:24,737 --> 00:13:27,007
Pretty much
An open book to me.
325
00:13:27,007 --> 00:13:28,675
There's nothing
I haven't seen
326
00:13:28,675 --> 00:13:32,012
Or read
Or been told about
327
00:13:32,012 --> 00:13:35,082
Or seen
Pictures of...
328
00:13:35,082 --> 00:13:37,184
Or short films...
329
00:13:40,820 --> 00:13:43,156
Well, bottoms up.
330
00:13:43,156 --> 00:13:44,958
Oh, yes.
Oh, god, yes.
331
00:13:48,929 --> 00:13:50,330
[knock on door]
332
00:13:50,330 --> 00:13:52,432
Oh, no. If they find
Me in here, I'll get fired.
333
00:13:52,432 --> 00:13:54,301
Oh, nonsense. I'll
Get rid of them.
334
00:14:00,740 --> 00:14:01,975
Hi. It's miss howe.
May I come in?
335
00:14:01,975 --> 00:14:03,510
Ordinarily,
I'd say yes,
336
00:14:03,510 --> 00:14:05,512
But, you see, I'm
Expecting a colleague
Any minute,
337
00:14:05,512 --> 00:14:07,080
So, you see, it's really
Not convenient.
338
00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:08,748
I was just thinking
About something
You said,
339
00:14:08,748 --> 00:14:10,417
And I wanted
To clarify that.
340
00:14:10,417 --> 00:14:12,652
Terrific. We'll
Have lunch tomorrow
And clarify away.
341
00:14:12,652 --> 00:14:13,753
That's a great idea,
342
00:14:13,753 --> 00:14:15,022
But you know,
I have been through
343
00:14:15,022 --> 00:14:17,324
So much stress and
So much anxiety over this,
344
00:14:17,324 --> 00:14:19,292
That I have a terrible,
Splitting headache.
345
00:14:19,292 --> 00:14:20,460
Do you have
Any aspirin?
346
00:14:20,460 --> 00:14:21,328
Aspirin?
347
00:14:21,328 --> 00:14:22,529
Yes. If you give me
An aspirin,
348
00:14:22,529 --> 00:14:23,964
I think it will
Get rid of my headache,
349
00:14:23,964 --> 00:14:25,465
And then I can
Leave you in peace.
350
00:14:25,465 --> 00:14:26,766
Right. Aspirin.
351
00:14:26,766 --> 00:14:28,401
I'll try
To find you some.
352
00:14:31,905 --> 00:14:33,640
Psst.
353
00:14:33,640 --> 00:14:35,175
Get in there.
354
00:14:35,175 --> 00:14:37,144
Stupidest thing
I've ever done.
355
00:14:39,079 --> 00:14:41,614
You do nine stupid things
Before breakfast.
356
00:14:42,682 --> 00:14:45,085
Now, get in that closet.
357
00:14:45,085 --> 00:14:47,687
No, wait. When he admits
That he came on to me,
358
00:14:47,687 --> 00:14:50,323
I want you to leap out
And catch him in the act,
359
00:14:50,323 --> 00:14:52,859
And then we'll
Prove once and for all
360
00:14:52,859 --> 00:14:55,495
That he is a lech
And I am not cuckoo.
361
00:14:55,495 --> 00:14:58,831
Yeah, one thing
At a time, rebecca.
362
00:14:58,831 --> 00:15:00,500
Two aspirin
Coming up!
363
00:15:03,036 --> 00:15:05,738
Two tablets...
Buffered.
364
00:15:05,738 --> 00:15:08,341
I hope
They go down well.
365
00:15:08,341 --> 00:15:11,044
Bye-bye.
366
00:15:11,044 --> 00:15:13,280
Dr. Crandell.
367
00:15:13,280 --> 00:15:15,415
It's not really
Why I'm here.
368
00:15:15,415 --> 00:15:16,383
It's not.
369
00:15:16,383 --> 00:15:17,884
No.
370
00:15:17,884 --> 00:15:22,055
Now, I know
You came on to me,
371
00:15:22,055 --> 00:15:24,757
And you know
You came on to me,
372
00:15:24,757 --> 00:15:26,093
But I'm
Not leaving here
373
00:15:26,093 --> 00:15:28,595
Until you admit it.
374
00:15:28,595 --> 00:15:30,363
All right,
I admit it.
375
00:15:30,363 --> 00:15:32,765
I came on to you.
Good night.
376
00:15:32,765 --> 00:15:33,700
Aha!
377
00:15:37,870 --> 00:15:38,972
Aha?
378
00:15:42,775 --> 00:15:44,377
I didn't
Quite hear that.
379
00:15:44,377 --> 00:15:46,779
Oh, for god's sake.
Good night.
380
00:15:46,779 --> 00:15:49,882
Um, please,
If you could just say it
A little bit louder
381
00:15:49,882 --> 00:15:51,484
And a little clearer
382
00:15:51,484 --> 00:15:53,620
So that I know
There's no mistaking it.
383
00:15:53,620 --> 00:15:55,222
All right, if that
Will make you happy.
384
00:15:55,222 --> 00:15:58,325
I came on to you!
I came on to you!
385
00:15:58,325 --> 00:16:00,560
You know, I'm beginning
To regret it.
386
00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:02,162
Aha!
387
00:16:02,162 --> 00:16:03,863
Good night, miss howe.
388
00:16:03,863 --> 00:16:06,299
You--sam!
389
00:16:06,299 --> 00:16:08,001
Would you get
The hell out of there?
390
00:16:08,001 --> 00:16:10,370
Sam?
391
00:16:10,370 --> 00:16:11,638
Whoa, boy.
392
00:16:11,638 --> 00:16:14,107
These luxury hotels
Have great closets.
393
00:16:19,812 --> 00:16:22,149
Did you hear
What he just said?
394
00:16:22,149 --> 00:16:23,250
Uh, no. I'm sorry.
395
00:16:23,250 --> 00:16:25,185
I sort of had
Something in my ear.
396
00:16:31,358 --> 00:16:34,294
You had a woman
In here.
397
00:16:34,294 --> 00:16:35,828
As long as we got
That established,
398
00:16:35,828 --> 00:16:38,865
If you need me again,
I'll be back
By the shoe rack.
399
00:16:38,865 --> 00:16:39,766
Sam!
400
00:16:41,101 --> 00:16:42,469
Remember our mission?
401
00:16:43,870 --> 00:16:44,971
Now, listen to me.
402
00:16:44,971 --> 00:16:47,140
This proves
That I am not crazy.
403
00:16:47,140 --> 00:16:48,975
This proves that
He is just a lech.
404
00:16:48,975 --> 00:16:50,177
I can explain.
405
00:16:50,177 --> 00:16:53,146
Miss johnson is
My executive secretary.
406
00:16:53,146 --> 00:16:55,515
We have a great deal
Of dictation to get out.
407
00:16:55,515 --> 00:16:58,185
Now, if
You'll excuse us...
408
00:16:58,185 --> 00:16:59,586
You sent
For a violinist.
409
00:17:02,255 --> 00:17:05,558
A violinist to do
Your dictation?
410
00:17:05,558 --> 00:17:07,260
Come on.
411
00:17:07,260 --> 00:17:09,129
Now at least
For god's sake
412
00:17:09,129 --> 00:17:10,830
Have the decency
To come clean
413
00:17:10,830 --> 00:17:14,101
And tell sam
The truth.
414
00:17:14,101 --> 00:17:15,302
All right.
415
00:17:15,302 --> 00:17:17,837
I admit
It is true.
416
00:17:17,837 --> 00:17:19,172
I've been
A very lonely man.
417
00:17:19,172 --> 00:17:20,307
I thought this trip
418
00:17:20,307 --> 00:17:22,142
Would put my convictions
To the test,
419
00:17:22,142 --> 00:17:25,545
But I'm afraid
I came up lacking.
420
00:17:25,545 --> 00:17:29,582
I'm sorry if I
Caused you any pain,
Miss howe.
421
00:17:29,582 --> 00:17:31,451
Well, at least you
Finally admitted it.
422
00:17:31,451 --> 00:17:33,786
Yes. I'm glad
The truth is out.
423
00:17:33,786 --> 00:17:35,755
At last.
No more lying.
424
00:17:35,755 --> 00:17:37,557
No more deceit.
425
00:17:37,557 --> 00:17:38,958
[knock knock]
426
00:17:38,958 --> 00:17:41,094
Lawrence,
Guess who?
427
00:17:42,862 --> 00:17:44,264
It's my wife.
Hide.
428
00:17:46,166 --> 00:17:48,301
I'm not going
In a closet.
429
00:17:48,301 --> 00:17:49,436
Oh, come on.
You'll enjoy it.
430
00:17:49,436 --> 00:17:52,339
I'll show you
Around.
431
00:17:52,339 --> 00:17:53,940
Please.
Please, you must.
432
00:17:53,940 --> 00:17:54,907
My career is
At stake.
433
00:17:54,907 --> 00:17:56,343
So is my marriage.
434
00:17:56,343 --> 00:17:58,645
I've been faithful
To this woman
For 15 years,
435
00:17:58,645 --> 00:18:00,347
Mostly because she's
The scariest bitch
436
00:18:00,347 --> 00:18:04,016
You'd ever
Want to meet.
437
00:18:04,016 --> 00:18:06,819
Lawrence,
Are you all right?
438
00:18:06,819 --> 00:18:09,556
I am doing this
For your wife,
Buster.
439
00:18:09,556 --> 00:18:11,258
Rebecca, I want you
To meet maria.
440
00:18:11,258 --> 00:18:12,625
Maria, rebecca.
441
00:18:12,625 --> 00:18:14,694
What's your name?
Zoltan.
442
00:18:14,694 --> 00:18:15,662
[knock knock]
443
00:18:15,662 --> 00:18:16,429
Lawrence?
444
00:18:16,429 --> 00:18:18,198
Yes. Coming.
Coming.
445
00:18:19,132 --> 00:18:21,033
Oh, valerie,
Darling.
446
00:18:21,033 --> 00:18:22,602
What an enormous
Surprise.
447
00:18:22,602 --> 00:18:24,504
What took you so long
To answer the door?
448
00:18:24,504 --> 00:18:25,805
Well,
It's this plush carpet.
449
00:18:25,805 --> 00:18:28,007
I caught my little toe.
450
00:18:28,007 --> 00:18:29,209
What brings you here?
451
00:18:29,209 --> 00:18:30,510
Well, when I spoke
To you on the phone
452
00:18:30,510 --> 00:18:32,812
And I heard the hunger
In that voice,
453
00:18:32,812 --> 00:18:37,384
I couldn't bear
To be separated
From you one more minute.
454
00:18:37,384 --> 00:18:39,619
Champagne,
Lawrence?
455
00:18:39,619 --> 00:18:42,222
Oh, yes. They bring
It up every night.
456
00:18:42,222 --> 00:18:44,724
It's a fabulous hotel.
457
00:18:44,724 --> 00:18:46,058
Let's go get
Something to eat.
458
00:18:46,058 --> 00:18:47,227
You're not dressed.
459
00:18:47,227 --> 00:18:48,628
Well, we'll go
Someplace casual.
460
00:18:48,628 --> 00:18:50,630
Well, at least
Put on a coat.
It's cool out.
461
00:18:50,630 --> 00:18:53,566
I'll buy one
On the way.
Shall we?
462
00:18:53,566 --> 00:18:55,702
Lawrence,
Put on a coat.
463
00:18:55,702 --> 00:18:56,903
Right.
464
00:18:56,903 --> 00:18:57,870
Anything
You say, dear.
465
00:18:57,870 --> 00:18:59,206
I'll just...
466
00:18:59,206 --> 00:19:02,242
* go to the closet
All by myself *
467
00:19:03,576 --> 00:19:06,513
* get my coat
All by myself *
468
00:19:10,116 --> 00:19:12,018
I've never seen you
In that coat.
469
00:19:12,018 --> 00:19:13,353
Well, I just bought it.
470
00:19:13,353 --> 00:19:16,022
If you don't like it,
Back it goes.
471
00:19:16,022 --> 00:19:17,824
No, lawrence.
Put it on.
472
00:19:17,824 --> 00:19:18,825
Put it on now.
473
00:19:25,131 --> 00:19:27,099
Oh, that tailor.
474
00:19:27,099 --> 00:19:29,101
Well, I'm stopping
The payment
475
00:19:29,101 --> 00:19:30,270
On that check.
476
00:19:34,474 --> 00:19:36,343
Oh, I'm famished.
Let's go.
477
00:19:36,343 --> 00:19:37,410
Whoever is
In that closet,
478
00:19:37,410 --> 00:19:39,346
Come out
This instant.
479
00:19:55,428 --> 00:19:58,030
All right. I want
An explanation,
480
00:19:58,030 --> 00:19:59,766
And I want it
Right this minute.
481
00:19:59,766 --> 00:20:01,668
Otherwise,
I am going to
Divorce him.
482
00:20:01,668 --> 00:20:03,169
I am going
To take his money,
483
00:20:03,169 --> 00:20:06,373
And I am going to
Take his reputation
And his career,
484
00:20:06,373 --> 00:20:08,475
And after that, I am
Going to do the same
485
00:20:08,475 --> 00:20:10,977
For each and every
One of you,
486
00:20:10,977 --> 00:20:15,047
And believe me,
I can do it.
487
00:20:15,047 --> 00:20:16,916
So who is going
To come forth
488
00:20:16,916 --> 00:20:18,351
With an explanation?
489
00:20:23,290 --> 00:20:25,157
Um...
490
00:20:25,157 --> 00:20:26,359
We, uh...
491
00:20:26,359 --> 00:20:27,594
We're all here
To, ahem,
492
00:20:27,594 --> 00:20:30,697
Change
The light bulb.
493
00:20:30,697 --> 00:20:31,664
God!
494
00:20:31,664 --> 00:20:32,599
Mrs. Crandell,
495
00:20:32,599 --> 00:20:34,334
I'm going to tell you
The truth
496
00:20:34,334 --> 00:20:36,903
Because I feel that this
Has gone on too long.
497
00:20:36,903 --> 00:20:40,807
And as usual, I have to be
The voice of reason.
498
00:20:44,511 --> 00:20:45,878
Forgive me
For saying this,
499
00:20:45,878 --> 00:20:49,882
But if I were in your shoes,
I would want to know.
500
00:20:49,882 --> 00:20:53,353
Your husband
Came on to me
In a local bar.
501
00:20:55,388 --> 00:20:56,956
You mean
He propositioned you?
502
00:20:58,658 --> 00:21:02,495
Well, he didn't exactly
Proposition me.
503
00:21:02,495 --> 00:21:06,466
Well, what exactly
Did he do?
504
00:21:06,466 --> 00:21:08,468
He asked me
About my feelings.
505
00:21:09,736 --> 00:21:11,738
That is his field,
You know.
506
00:21:14,006 --> 00:21:16,309
That isn't
All he did.
507
00:21:16,309 --> 00:21:20,380
He rubbed my leg
With his disgusting foot.
508
00:21:20,380 --> 00:21:22,382
She never gets tired
Of telling this.
509
00:21:22,382 --> 00:21:23,950
Over and over.
510
00:21:26,486 --> 00:21:28,388
Yes. Yes,
I admit it.
511
00:21:28,388 --> 00:21:29,589
I accidentally
512
00:21:29,589 --> 00:21:31,290
Brushed up against her leg
With my foot.
513
00:21:31,290 --> 00:21:33,025
I apologized
Profusely.
514
00:21:35,227 --> 00:21:36,763
He did not
Have his shoe on.
515
00:21:38,531 --> 00:21:40,132
It was hot in there.
516
00:21:40,132 --> 00:21:42,569
Would you
Believe the humiliation?
517
00:21:42,569 --> 00:21:45,472
A hole
In my $50 hosiery.
518
00:21:45,472 --> 00:21:48,307
Why,
You filthy doub--
519
00:21:48,307 --> 00:21:49,876
Ok, fine. Fine.
520
00:21:49,876 --> 00:21:51,944
There is
A chambermaid
In the room.
521
00:21:51,944 --> 00:21:53,045
Explain it.
522
00:21:53,045 --> 00:21:55,047
A chambermaid
In a hotel.
523
00:21:55,047 --> 00:21:57,784
Will wonders
Never cease?
524
00:21:57,784 --> 00:21:59,786
You know, actually, we're
Going to be running along.
525
00:21:59,786 --> 00:22:02,355
No, we're not going to
Be running along.
526
00:22:02,355 --> 00:22:03,790
All right.
527
00:22:03,790 --> 00:22:05,858
How about
The fiddler, huh?
528
00:22:08,528 --> 00:22:09,862
I was lonely.
529
00:22:09,862 --> 00:22:12,699
I was going to have him
Play our song all night.
530
00:22:12,699 --> 00:22:14,834
All right.
All right.
531
00:22:14,834 --> 00:22:17,704
So have your
Loving husband
Explain
532
00:22:17,704 --> 00:22:21,441
Why the four of us
Were in that closet.
533
00:22:21,441 --> 00:22:22,442
You were there.
534
00:22:22,442 --> 00:22:25,111
You mean
Don't you know?
535
00:22:25,111 --> 00:22:27,179
Yes, I know.
536
00:22:27,179 --> 00:22:29,181
Because you are
The scariest bitch
537
00:22:29,181 --> 00:22:30,617
We would ever
Want to meet.
538
00:22:32,852 --> 00:22:36,756
And you are
A little tramp.
539
00:22:36,756 --> 00:22:38,758
Tramp?
540
00:22:38,758 --> 00:22:40,460
I ought to
Punch you one.
541
00:22:40,460 --> 00:22:42,161
I ought to kill
Your husband!
542
00:22:42,161 --> 00:22:43,129
I'm going to kill him!
543
00:22:43,129 --> 00:22:44,731
I'm going to kill you!
544
00:22:44,731 --> 00:22:48,200
You're stupid,
And he's a fraud!
He's a psycho!
545
00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:51,971
I'm going to hunt you down
And kill you like a dog.
546
00:22:51,971 --> 00:22:55,575
And why don't
You get yourself
Some new socks, buster?
547
00:22:59,412 --> 00:23:00,947
I can explain
Everything here.
548
00:23:00,947 --> 00:23:04,383
She just wanted
To convince me
That she's not crazy.
37998
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