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Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
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00:00:08,328 --> 00:00:09,629
Ladies and gentlemen,
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00:00:09,630 --> 00:00:12,333
from the Barclay Theatre
in Irvine, California,
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00:00:12,408 --> 00:00:16,011
please welcome to the stage,
Whitney Cummings.
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Love you.
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All bitches, come on!
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00:00:47,042 --> 00:00:50,078
Thank you, guys, so much
for coming out tonight, man.
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00:00:50,159 --> 00:00:51,993
It's so good to be doing
standup again.
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00:00:51,994 --> 00:00:53,561
I took like
a couple of years off.
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I was making
a television show...
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You didn't fuckin' watch it!
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You did not watch it,
no you didn't.
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'Cause if you had watched it,
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I wouldn't fucking
be here right now.
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No. I would be here.
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00:01:16,285 --> 00:01:17,952
This is my favorite thing
to do in the world.
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00:01:17,953 --> 00:01:20,121
It is so good to be back
doing standup.
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00:01:20,122 --> 00:01:22,824
The last couple years
were kind of... interesting.
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00:01:22,825 --> 00:01:25,193
I think the most intense thing
that happened to me was
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00:01:25,194 --> 00:01:27,829
I went through
a really painful breakup,
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00:01:27,830 --> 00:01:30,832
but I'm glad it happened because
actually I learned a lot.
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00:01:30,833 --> 00:01:31,933
I feel like, you know what,
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00:01:31,934 --> 00:01:33,868
I figured out why
couples breakup.
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00:01:33,869 --> 00:01:34,969
I think it's this...
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00:01:34,970 --> 00:01:37,238
I think couples break up
because we're all operating
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00:01:37,239 --> 00:01:40,241
under different definitions
of the word love.
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00:01:40,242 --> 00:01:42,210
If you think about it,
we say this word to each other,
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and I think it just
makes us raise expectations.
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00:01:45,114 --> 00:01:47,248
You know, I feel like
if we were all to just agree
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00:01:47,249 --> 00:01:50,652
on a universal definition
of the word love,
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00:01:50,653 --> 00:01:53,655
we'd stop disappointing
each other so much, you know?
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00:01:53,656 --> 00:01:54,989
So to me, my definition of love
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00:01:54,990 --> 00:01:59,762
is being willing to die
for someone...
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00:02:02,798 --> 00:02:06,235
that you yourself want to kill.
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00:02:08,838 --> 00:02:10,338
Which is kind of confusing...
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00:02:10,339 --> 00:02:12,707
like if someone
were to break into my house
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00:02:12,708 --> 00:02:14,242
and hold up a gun
to the person I love,
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00:02:14,243 --> 00:02:15,110
I would jump
in front of the gun.
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00:02:15,111 --> 00:02:19,682
I'd go, "Wait, no, stop!
Let me do it!
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00:02:21,083 --> 00:02:22,618
Dude, I am begging you!"
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00:02:24,620 --> 00:02:26,087
I also think in this culture
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00:02:26,088 --> 00:02:28,223
we express love
in a very twisted way.
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00:02:28,224 --> 00:02:30,859
In this culture we show love
by giving each other presents...
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00:02:30,860 --> 00:02:32,594
jewelry and trips and stuff...
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00:02:32,595 --> 00:02:33,595
and to me, that's not
what love's about.
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That's too easy, you know.
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00:02:34,630 --> 00:02:36,831
For me love is about the way
you treat a person
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00:02:36,832 --> 00:02:39,901
on a daily basis
when no one else is around.
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00:02:39,902 --> 00:02:41,136
Little things, you know?
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00:02:41,137 --> 00:02:43,304
Like if you love me,
for example,
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00:02:43,305 --> 00:02:45,273
the second sex is over,
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00:02:45,274 --> 00:02:50,012
if I was on top,
don't push me off you...
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00:02:53,749 --> 00:02:56,885
as quickly as possible...
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00:02:56,886 --> 00:02:59,421
If you love me,
you will let me dismount
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with a little fucking dignity.
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00:03:07,730 --> 00:03:12,734
You will let me dismount
like the swan that I am.
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00:03:12,735 --> 00:03:15,004
Thank you, sir.
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00:03:16,839 --> 00:03:20,976
Or, if you were on top,
by some fucking miracle...
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00:03:22,711 --> 00:03:27,682
don't use my body
as a pushing off point.
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00:03:27,683 --> 00:03:32,153
When you get off,
don't push off my face...
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00:03:32,154 --> 00:03:33,889
to go check your phone.
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00:03:37,026 --> 00:03:38,126
It's about respect.
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00:03:38,127 --> 00:03:39,160
Love to me is about respect.
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00:03:39,161 --> 00:03:40,228
Little things, you know.
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00:03:40,229 --> 00:03:42,730
If you love me and we're
taking a shower together,
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00:03:42,731 --> 00:03:45,701
don't pee.
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00:03:47,736 --> 00:03:49,137
Why is that so confusing?
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00:03:49,138 --> 00:03:52,974
Don't-don't make me
stand in your piss...
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00:03:52,975 --> 00:03:55,211
like a fucking asshole.
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00:04:00,182 --> 00:04:01,216
Use your head.
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00:04:01,217 --> 00:04:02,383
You know, if you love me,
you'll think ahead.
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00:04:02,384 --> 00:04:04,219
Little things like
if you love me
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00:04:04,220 --> 00:04:06,387
and you buy me lingerie
as a gift,
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00:04:06,388 --> 00:04:12,828
don't buy me a small top
and a medium bottom.
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00:04:13,863 --> 00:04:15,430
Okay? If you love me,
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00:04:15,431 --> 00:04:19,968
you will buy me a large top
and a small bottom,
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00:04:19,969 --> 00:04:22,638
and I'll exchange that shit
on my own time.
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00:04:27,109 --> 00:04:28,877
Love is just like
don't be stupid.
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00:04:28,878 --> 00:04:29,711
You know, little things.
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00:04:29,712 --> 00:04:31,412
Like if you love me,
let me wake up
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00:04:31,413 --> 00:04:33,748
before you start
having sex with me.
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00:04:33,749 --> 00:04:35,750
Can I get some gum?
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00:04:35,751 --> 00:04:36,918
Can you just give me a sec...
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00:04:36,919 --> 00:04:39,955
This isn't prison.
I'm going to say 'yes'.
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00:04:43,225 --> 00:04:45,327
Have a little faith
in yourself, you know?
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00:04:46,962 --> 00:04:48,229
I also think that phrase
"I love you" is tricky
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00:04:48,230 --> 00:04:50,331
because I think when you're in
a relationship for a long time,
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00:04:50,332 --> 00:04:52,534
it starts to lose its value,
you know.
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00:04:52,535 --> 00:04:53,801
It starts to deteriorate.
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00:04:53,802 --> 00:04:54,836
Like when you first say
I love you,
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00:04:54,837 --> 00:04:55,904
it's such a big deal.
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00:04:55,905 --> 00:04:58,239
You know, you're like
"I love you",
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00:04:58,240 --> 00:05:00,241
but after awhile,
you're just like
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00:05:00,242 --> 00:05:02,410
"Love you!"
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00:05:02,411 --> 00:05:03,511
Then after that,
you're just like,
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00:05:03,512 --> 00:05:08,851
"You, too", and finally
you're just like "Fuck you!"
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00:05:11,453 --> 00:05:12,854
Love is dangerous, you know.
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00:05:12,855 --> 00:05:13,821
It's a very dangerous
thing we do.
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00:05:13,822 --> 00:05:15,723
We give someone else
the ability to hurt us.
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00:05:15,724 --> 00:05:17,725
At any moment you could
just get your heart broken,
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00:05:17,726 --> 00:05:19,160
have your life
ruined just like that,
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00:05:19,161 --> 00:05:21,129
and I think that makes us all
a little tense.
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00:05:21,130 --> 00:05:22,730
I think we're all a little
on edge, you know.
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00:05:22,731 --> 00:05:25,466
Love is so insane
that when you hear about someone
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00:05:25,467 --> 00:05:28,036
who's in love
who does a terrible thing,
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00:05:28,037 --> 00:05:29,170
you side with them.
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00:05:29,171 --> 00:05:31,272
Like when I hear about a woman
who killed her husband,
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00:05:31,273 --> 00:05:32,273
the first thing I think
I'm like,
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00:05:32,274 --> 00:05:34,876
well, what the fuck did he do?
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00:05:34,877 --> 00:05:37,746
That poor woman!
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00:05:40,182 --> 00:05:41,182
Love makes you
think about things
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00:05:41,183 --> 00:05:43,084
you never thought
you'd do before, you know?
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00:05:43,085 --> 00:05:44,319
Like getting married.
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00:05:44,320 --> 00:05:45,386
This last relationship I thought
I was going to get married.
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00:05:45,387 --> 00:05:46,521
For me, I never thought
I was going to get married
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00:05:46,522 --> 00:05:48,656
because I have all this divorce
in my family, you know,
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00:05:48,657 --> 00:05:51,092
but I also think that when
you get older as a woman,
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00:05:51,093 --> 00:05:53,328
marriage just becomes
a little more appealing
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00:05:53,329 --> 00:05:54,963
because marriage
is set up for girls
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00:05:54,964 --> 00:05:57,932
as an offer that you just
cannot refuse, you know?
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00:05:57,933 --> 00:06:00,068
If someone came up to me
on the street randomly
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00:06:00,069 --> 00:06:03,338
and marriage as an institution
did not exist,
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00:06:03,339 --> 00:06:06,007
and someone was just like,
"Excuse me ma'am.
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00:06:06,008 --> 00:06:10,244
Hi, um, would you be interested
in a beautiful diamond ring
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00:06:10,245 --> 00:06:13,348
and a bunch of parties
where your friends will buy you
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00:06:13,349 --> 00:06:16,851
whatever the fuck you want?"
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00:06:16,852 --> 00:06:19,020
And then you get to move
into somebody else's house
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00:06:19,021 --> 00:06:21,422
and get on their health
insurance plan...
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00:06:21,423 --> 00:06:23,258
And then if they cheat on you,
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00:06:23,259 --> 00:06:27,196
you get half their shit,
no questions asked.
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00:06:29,398 --> 00:06:31,467
Would you be interested in that?
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00:06:34,036 --> 00:06:36,337
Yeah, man, yeah, yeah.
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00:06:36,338 --> 00:06:39,007
How do I get all that shit?
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00:06:39,008 --> 00:06:42,176
Well, you just have to
have sex with the same man
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00:06:42,177 --> 00:06:44,412
for the rest of your life.
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00:06:44,413 --> 00:06:46,348
Ohhh.
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00:06:48,150 --> 00:06:49,050
You know, fuck it.
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00:06:49,051 --> 00:06:50,551
I have Tylenol PM.
Let's do this shit.
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00:06:50,552 --> 00:06:51,987
Where do I sign up?
140
00:06:54,123 --> 00:06:55,256
It's not that we love you.
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00:06:55,257 --> 00:06:57,859
We just want shit, okay?
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00:06:57,860 --> 00:06:59,160
It's the same thing with sex.
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00:06:59,161 --> 00:07:00,561
Like we don't always
have sex with you guys
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00:07:00,562 --> 00:07:02,263
because we like want that dick.
145
00:07:02,264 --> 00:07:03,265
No!
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00:07:09,571 --> 00:07:12,206
No!
147
00:07:12,207 --> 00:07:14,008
Okay? Half the time
I have sex with a guy,
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00:07:14,009 --> 00:07:15,611
it's because it burns calories.
149
00:07:22,151 --> 00:07:26,321
I'm like oh, God.
I had that lasagna today...
150
00:07:26,322 --> 00:07:30,224
I don't have time to go
to the gym, so...
151
00:07:30,225 --> 00:07:33,095
I should probably
just fuck this guy.
152
00:07:35,264 --> 00:07:36,531
But I really go for it,
you know.
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00:07:36,532 --> 00:07:38,566
I wear a terrycloth headband
and ankle weights.
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00:07:38,567 --> 00:07:40,035
I get in there and...
155
00:07:47,509 --> 00:07:49,444
In this last relationship,
I was going so insane
156
00:07:49,445 --> 00:07:51,946
that I started doing research
to try to figure out
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00:07:51,947 --> 00:07:53,414
what goes on chemically
in your brain
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00:07:53,415 --> 00:07:54,482
when you're in love.
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00:07:54,483 --> 00:07:56,084
And I read this book called
"The Female Brain".
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00:07:56,085 --> 00:07:57,919
Has anyone read this book?
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00:07:57,920 --> 00:08:01,522
Ooh! One... dude?
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00:08:01,523 --> 00:08:02,990
All right, what you got
going on over here
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00:08:02,991 --> 00:08:05,794
considering the fact
that you're with a dude?
164
00:08:07,863 --> 00:08:11,099
Why would you need that book?
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00:08:11,100 --> 00:08:11,999
I respect that.
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00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:14,435
You just wanted to
get a head start,
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00:08:14,436 --> 00:08:16,270
just kind of figure it out.
168
00:08:16,271 --> 00:08:18,673
So you're just here alone?
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00:08:18,674 --> 00:08:20,908
I respect that.
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00:08:20,909 --> 00:08:24,345
You're not going home alone...
that's for sure.
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00:08:24,346 --> 00:08:25,546
That book's amazing, right?
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00:08:25,547 --> 00:08:28,416
This book is all about the way
women's brains are wired,
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00:08:28,417 --> 00:08:29,417
and essentially it said
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00:08:29,418 --> 00:08:31,686
that we have like
millions of more emotions
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00:08:31,687 --> 00:08:34,422
and hormones and like
synapses that connect...
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00:08:34,423 --> 00:08:36,424
basically, it's a miracle
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00:08:36,425 --> 00:08:40,361
that we're not crying
all the fucking time...
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00:08:40,362 --> 00:08:41,329
which is a bummer
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00:08:41,330 --> 00:08:43,598
because I feel like guys
hate that, you know?
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00:08:43,599 --> 00:08:44,699
You know, I feel like guys hate
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00:08:44,700 --> 00:08:47,034
that women are so emotional
and sensitive, right?
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00:08:47,035 --> 00:08:49,003
You guys think
women are crazy, right?
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00:08:49,004 --> 00:08:50,672
Yes? Okay.
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00:08:52,741 --> 00:08:53,942
All right.
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00:08:59,548 --> 00:09:02,517
You think this is fun for me?
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00:09:02,518 --> 00:09:05,119
You think I would ever
choose this for myself?
187
00:09:05,120 --> 00:09:07,255
You think I enjoy crying
188
00:09:07,256 --> 00:09:09,525
every time
Adele is on the radio?
189
00:09:11,193 --> 00:09:12,426
That's embarrassing, okay.
190
00:09:12,427 --> 00:09:15,129
You think I enjoy Googling
your ex-girlfriend
191
00:09:15,130 --> 00:09:18,366
three hours a day?
192
00:09:18,367 --> 00:09:20,701
You think I have
that kind of time?
193
00:09:20,702 --> 00:09:22,303
You think I enjoy
trying to guess
194
00:09:22,304 --> 00:09:25,207
every one of your security
question answers?
195
00:09:27,075 --> 00:09:30,078
Oh, shit! What street
did he grow up on?
196
00:09:32,181 --> 00:09:33,214
It's weird because
that's all I hear from guys
197
00:09:33,215 --> 00:09:34,615
is that women are crazy.
198
00:09:34,616 --> 00:09:36,417
Women are so crazy.
But I have tons of girlfriends,
199
00:09:36,418 --> 00:09:38,085
and I hang out
with my girlfriends alone
200
00:09:38,086 --> 00:09:39,520
all the time,
and when guys aren't around,
201
00:09:39,521 --> 00:09:42,490
women are super cool,
rational, logical,
202
00:09:42,491 --> 00:09:44,492
but then they start
dating some dude,
203
00:09:44,493 --> 00:09:46,093
and they lose their mind.
204
00:09:46,094 --> 00:09:47,361
Women are not crazy...
205
00:09:47,362 --> 00:09:51,099
you guys fucking
make us that way. Okay?
206
00:09:55,103 --> 00:09:56,070
I'm just sayin',
207
00:09:56,071 --> 00:09:59,541
take your passwords
off your fucking phones.
208
00:10:03,712 --> 00:10:05,246
It's just weird
because I feel like
209
00:10:05,247 --> 00:10:06,280
being crazy and sensitive...
210
00:10:06,281 --> 00:10:08,249
like that doesn't have to be
a negative thing.
211
00:10:08,250 --> 00:10:09,517
I think that's kind of
an asset, you know?
212
00:10:09,518 --> 00:10:13,588
I think girls should be paranoid
and hypervigilant and emotional
213
00:10:13,589 --> 00:10:16,357
because we're responsible
for raising helpless babies.
214
00:10:16,358 --> 00:10:18,092
Okay? We can't think
like you guys.
215
00:10:18,093 --> 00:10:21,195
We can't be
fucking sociopaths...
216
00:10:21,196 --> 00:10:24,465
or else babies would just die...
217
00:10:24,466 --> 00:10:27,768
all the time and our species
would be extinct.
218
00:10:27,769 --> 00:10:31,505
Like if we felt like you guys,
we would give birth to a baby,
219
00:10:31,506 --> 00:10:33,107
you know, take it home
from the hospital
220
00:10:33,108 --> 00:10:35,409
if we even went
to the hospital...
221
00:10:35,410 --> 00:10:38,679
because I don't need a doctor.
222
00:10:38,680 --> 00:10:41,349
Then we would like put it
in the sink for a month.
223
00:10:41,350 --> 00:10:43,651
Just throw Doritos on it,
224
00:10:43,652 --> 00:10:47,455
every now and then spray it
with Axe Body Spray...
225
00:10:47,456 --> 00:10:48,389
And when we were done with it,
226
00:10:48,390 --> 00:10:49,357
we would just like
put it on Craig's List,
227
00:10:49,358 --> 00:10:51,593
like, ah, I can get
a few bucks for that.
228
00:10:53,795 --> 00:10:54,762
I feel like you guys think
229
00:10:54,763 --> 00:10:57,231
that we like choose
to be crazy, you know?
230
00:10:57,232 --> 00:10:58,466
It's an act of choice.
231
00:10:58,467 --> 00:10:59,567
Like I feel like you guys think
232
00:10:59,568 --> 00:11:01,736
that we wake up
on any given morning
233
00:11:01,737 --> 00:11:05,606
and just decide we're
going to have a terrible day.
234
00:11:05,607 --> 00:11:06,607
I feel like you guys think
we wake up
235
00:11:06,608 --> 00:11:07,542
and we're like oh my God,
236
00:11:07,543 --> 00:11:09,410
I'm going to have
such a good day today.
237
00:11:09,411 --> 00:11:11,412
I'm going to hang out
with my boyfriend,
238
00:11:11,413 --> 00:11:14,683
we're going to go hang out,
see a movie...
239
00:11:16,351 --> 00:11:18,619
you know what?
240
00:11:18,620 --> 00:11:21,222
No.
241
00:11:21,223 --> 00:11:23,291
I have a better idea.
242
00:11:23,292 --> 00:11:27,328
I'm going to wake up,
feel fat for two hours...
243
00:11:27,329 --> 00:11:28,796
then get mad at my boyfriend
244
00:11:28,797 --> 00:11:34,169
because he said good morning
in a weird tone...
245
00:11:35,804 --> 00:11:40,708
then I'm going to break up
with him in my head...
246
00:11:40,709 --> 00:11:41,842
I'm not going to tell him
we broke up.
247
00:11:41,843 --> 00:11:42,944
It's none of his
fucking business
248
00:11:42,945 --> 00:11:46,380
whether we're together or not.
249
00:11:46,381 --> 00:11:50,952
Then I'm going to go spend
$200 on jeans that don't fit...
250
00:11:50,953 --> 00:11:52,520
then I'm going to
go eat cucumbers
251
00:11:52,521 --> 00:11:55,356
with barbecue sauce on them...
252
00:11:55,357 --> 00:11:56,557
then I'm going to
get mad at him again
253
00:11:56,558 --> 00:11:59,927
because he suggested we see
a Scarlett Johansson movie...
254
00:11:59,928 --> 00:12:03,331
what the fuck is that?
255
00:12:03,332 --> 00:12:05,299
Then I'm going to go
spend two hours online
256
00:12:05,300 --> 00:12:07,369
looking at wedding dresses.
257
00:12:10,339 --> 00:12:12,541
Not a great day for us,
either, you know?
258
00:12:14,343 --> 00:12:16,177
I think it's funny that guys
are never called crazy
259
00:12:16,178 --> 00:12:19,246
because I feel like guys
do things that are like,
260
00:12:19,247 --> 00:12:20,247
crazy, you know?
261
00:12:20,248 --> 00:12:21,616
But guys are never called crazy.
262
00:12:21,617 --> 00:12:23,484
Like, for a guy
to get called crazy,
263
00:12:23,485 --> 00:12:24,752
he's got to be like...
264
00:12:24,753 --> 00:12:27,388
he's got to be like
naked in an alley
265
00:12:27,389 --> 00:12:33,260
jerking off on a dead pigeon...
266
00:12:33,261 --> 00:12:38,233
singing bible hymns
like "Over the River"...
267
00:12:42,771 --> 00:12:45,606
But even then we're like,
oh my God, that guy is homeless.
268
00:12:45,607 --> 00:12:48,542
That is so sad.
269
00:12:48,543 --> 00:12:50,578
Do you have a dollar?
270
00:12:50,579 --> 00:12:52,180
Give him a dollar.
271
00:12:53,715 --> 00:12:55,416
But for a girl
to get called crazy,
272
00:12:55,417 --> 00:12:58,954
we just have to send you
two text messages in a row.
273
00:13:01,023 --> 00:13:03,324
She's fucking crazy, man.
274
00:13:03,325 --> 00:13:04,658
She's fucking stalking me, bro.
275
00:13:04,659 --> 00:13:06,727
She's obsessed with me, man.
276
00:13:06,728 --> 00:13:07,962
I'm like I don't know,
I'm not crazy.
277
00:13:07,963 --> 00:13:09,463
I'm just locked
out of the house.
278
00:13:09,464 --> 00:13:11,632
Can you let me in the house?
279
00:13:11,633 --> 00:13:13,601
I'm not stalking you.
I live here.
280
00:13:13,602 --> 00:13:15,436
My house.
We live together.
281
00:13:15,437 --> 00:13:18,440
I'm not obsessed with you.
I hate you, so...
282
00:13:19,841 --> 00:13:20,975
Guys are never called crazy,
283
00:13:20,976 --> 00:13:24,445
but I feel like guys do things
that are actually crazy.
284
00:13:24,446 --> 00:13:27,648
Like things that would
put you in an insane asylum.
285
00:13:27,649 --> 00:13:33,655
Like you guys will
talk to athletes in the TV.
286
00:13:35,757 --> 00:13:38,694
You think they can
fucking hear you.
287
00:13:39,995 --> 00:13:41,562
That's literal schizophrenia.
288
00:13:41,563 --> 00:13:45,466
That is a mental illness.
289
00:13:45,467 --> 00:13:47,068
Like I was watching
some of my guy friends
290
00:13:47,069 --> 00:13:47,868
a couple of months ago.
291
00:13:47,869 --> 00:13:48,736
They were watching a Giants game
292
00:13:48,737 --> 00:13:51,072
and they were talking
to Eli Manning.
293
00:13:51,073 --> 00:13:52,807
They were having a conversation
with this person.
294
00:13:52,808 --> 00:13:54,408
They were like,
Eli, listen to me.
295
00:13:54,409 --> 00:13:55,543
Eli, listen to me.
296
00:13:55,544 --> 00:13:56,777
We have been through this, bro.
297
00:13:56,778 --> 00:14:00,481
I'm like, bitch, you've not been
through shit with him, man.
298
00:14:00,482 --> 00:14:02,983
He cannot hear you,
and even if he could hear you,
299
00:14:02,984 --> 00:14:04,785
why would he take
advice from you?
300
00:14:04,786 --> 00:14:05,886
You can't even get
your Heinekens
301
00:14:05,887 --> 00:14:08,223
in the fucking garbage can.
302
00:14:10,258 --> 00:14:11,492
I feel like you guys
watching sports
303
00:14:11,493 --> 00:14:12,860
should give you a little more
sympathy for us
304
00:14:12,861 --> 00:14:13,994
because now you know
what it's like
305
00:14:13,995 --> 00:14:17,265
to yell at a man and have him
completely ignore you.
306
00:14:22,304 --> 00:14:24,639
Every day is Sunday for us.
307
00:14:26,908 --> 00:14:28,075
You guys say the meanest things
308
00:14:28,076 --> 00:14:30,044
to these athletes,
the meanest things.
309
00:14:30,045 --> 00:14:31,579
Like they were watching
Tom Brady
310
00:14:31,580 --> 00:14:33,914
and they were like
Tom Brady, you suck.
311
00:14:33,915 --> 00:14:35,516
Tom Brady sucks.
312
00:14:35,517 --> 00:14:36,717
I don't know that much
about football,
313
00:14:36,718 --> 00:14:40,020
but I'm pretty sure Tom Brady
doesn't suck at football.
314
00:14:40,021 --> 00:14:40,955
I'm pretty sure you suck.
315
00:14:40,956 --> 00:14:43,492
I'm pretty sure
all you suck at football.
316
00:14:46,428 --> 00:14:48,863
I just wish these athletes
would stand up for themselves,
317
00:14:48,864 --> 00:14:50,931
you know, against these
horrible things you say.
318
00:14:50,932 --> 00:14:52,199
I wish just one time
319
00:14:52,200 --> 00:14:54,535
Tom Brady would look directly
into the camera and be like,
320
00:14:54,536 --> 00:14:57,439
"Hey man, fuck you,
I got this...
321
00:14:59,107 --> 00:15:01,075
"I make
20 million dollars a year
322
00:15:01,076 --> 00:15:03,879
"and you can't even do
a fucking sit-up...
323
00:15:06,381 --> 00:15:08,350
Get off my dick, man."
324
00:15:12,354 --> 00:15:13,954
That's where you guys
get delusional about sports.
325
00:15:13,955 --> 00:15:16,490
Like I feel if we get delusional
about like relationship stuff,
326
00:15:16,491 --> 00:15:18,826
but sports is where you guys
kind of lose your mind.
327
00:15:18,827 --> 00:15:20,361
Like I have this guy friend
who...
328
00:15:20,362 --> 00:15:23,632
he carries a football around
in his car...
329
00:15:25,467 --> 00:15:26,700
like bitch, you're 50.
330
00:15:26,701 --> 00:15:30,004
No one wants to play
football with you.
331
00:15:30,005 --> 00:15:32,540
Like to him it's like...
332
00:15:32,541 --> 00:15:34,675
like it's not over yet,
you know.
333
00:15:34,676 --> 00:15:37,946
Like in his mind
he's going to get a call...
334
00:15:40,549 --> 00:15:42,783
Like any minute
he's getting a phone call.
335
00:15:42,784 --> 00:15:44,618
If the coach of the Giants
doesn't call him like,
336
00:15:44,619 --> 00:15:46,086
"Hey, man.
337
00:15:46,087 --> 00:15:48,822
"Eli's hurt...
338
00:15:48,823 --> 00:15:50,992
You still got that football
in your car?"
339
00:15:56,598 --> 00:15:57,731
I'm trying to kind of
take responsibility
340
00:15:57,732 --> 00:15:59,934
for my part in being crazy,
you know?
341
00:15:59,935 --> 00:16:01,602
I'm trying to be more mature
in relationships,
342
00:16:01,603 --> 00:16:03,037
and I don't think
that it's just women
343
00:16:03,038 --> 00:16:05,506
who are biologically fixed
to be crazy...
344
00:16:05,507 --> 00:16:06,373
I don't think that's it.
345
00:16:06,374 --> 00:16:08,442
I think there's a lot of
socialization
346
00:16:08,443 --> 00:16:09,543
that messes us up, too.
347
00:16:09,544 --> 00:16:12,379
Like I realize I have
incredibly high expectations
348
00:16:12,380 --> 00:16:14,448
for romance, and I don't even
know where they come from.
349
00:16:14,449 --> 00:16:16,917
Like I realized recently
when I get off a plane,
350
00:16:16,918 --> 00:16:19,153
I fully expect the guy
that I'm dating
351
00:16:19,154 --> 00:16:24,391
to be waiting for me
at the airport, surprising me.
352
00:16:24,392 --> 00:16:27,394
What shitty movie did we see...
353
00:16:27,395 --> 00:16:28,429
You know what?
354
00:16:28,430 --> 00:16:29,964
I actually... I think
it was Crocodile Dundee...
355
00:16:29,965 --> 00:16:31,165
I swear to God.
356
00:16:31,166 --> 00:16:33,167
Remember in the '90s
all those guys were like
357
00:16:33,168 --> 00:16:34,802
just rushing to the airport?
358
00:16:34,803 --> 00:16:35,936
Because as an adult,
359
00:16:35,937 --> 00:16:38,072
today, I will fully
get off a plane.
360
00:16:38,073 --> 00:16:40,141
I will go on the escalator
and I will be like...
361
00:16:59,694 --> 00:17:01,396
Fucking asshole.
362
00:17:02,731 --> 00:17:05,499
Which is so unfair
to you guys, you know?
363
00:17:05,500 --> 00:17:06,533
Because if you guys
were to actually do that,
364
00:17:06,534 --> 00:17:07,935
it would be a complete disaster.
365
00:17:07,936 --> 00:17:10,070
If the guy I was dating
showed up at the airport
366
00:17:10,071 --> 00:17:12,740
when I got off the plane,
all tired and sticky and shit,
367
00:17:12,741 --> 00:17:16,644
I'd be like, dude,
what the fuck are you doing?
368
00:17:16,645 --> 00:17:17,912
He'd be like oh,
I just, you know,
369
00:17:17,913 --> 00:17:18,812
wanted to come surprise you
at the airport.
370
00:17:18,813 --> 00:17:20,514
I'd be like,
you drove to the airport?
371
00:17:20,515 --> 00:17:21,482
I drove to the airport.
372
00:17:21,483 --> 00:17:24,953
Now we have two cars
at the fucking airport!
373
00:17:29,057 --> 00:17:31,191
What lot are you in?
374
00:17:31,192 --> 00:17:32,026
You're in lot B?
375
00:17:32,027 --> 00:17:34,662
We have to take a bus
to your lot?
376
00:17:34,663 --> 00:17:37,399
Oh, you piece of shit!
377
00:17:38,967 --> 00:17:39,833
That's crazy, you know,
378
00:17:39,834 --> 00:17:41,068
but I think there are
a lot of things
379
00:17:41,069 --> 00:17:44,571
that contribute to us being
a little irritable, you know?
380
00:17:44,572 --> 00:17:46,206
I think that part of girls
being crazy
381
00:17:46,207 --> 00:17:48,976
is the fact that being a female
is just so frustrating.
382
00:17:48,977 --> 00:17:51,045
Like there's so much work
we have to do,
383
00:17:51,046 --> 00:17:52,846
there's so much maintenance
that goes into it,
384
00:17:52,847 --> 00:17:54,815
and most of what we do
is to make you guys think
385
00:17:54,816 --> 00:17:56,817
we're attractive,
so we're resentful, you know.
386
00:17:56,818 --> 00:18:00,187
I feel like by 9 AM
we already hate you.
387
00:18:00,188 --> 00:18:02,890
Okay? Because of all this shit
we have to do from 8 to 9 AM
388
00:18:02,891 --> 00:18:04,892
to make you think
we're fuckin' pretty.
389
00:18:04,893 --> 00:18:05,726
Like do you know
the kind of shit
390
00:18:05,727 --> 00:18:07,094
that goes on
in your bathroom, sir?
391
00:18:07,095 --> 00:18:08,195
You don't know.
392
00:18:08,196 --> 00:18:09,898
You're wearing shorts.
393
00:18:19,808 --> 00:18:22,544
And what are those...
are those Crocs?
394
00:18:24,746 --> 00:18:28,749
Oh my God, white people
are so embarrassing.
395
00:18:28,750 --> 00:18:29,817
Unbelievable!
396
00:18:29,818 --> 00:18:31,251
And she... you don't understand
the kind of stuff
397
00:18:31,252 --> 00:18:32,986
that goes on in the bathroom.
398
00:18:32,987 --> 00:18:33,854
She's working hard
399
00:18:33,855 --> 00:18:35,756
and you're wearing...
your pajamas.
400
00:18:35,757 --> 00:18:37,858
This is unbelievable.
401
00:18:37,859 --> 00:18:39,660
Do you realize
the things that we do?
402
00:18:39,661 --> 00:18:41,595
We spray aerosol.
403
00:18:41,596 --> 00:18:43,864
We inhale aerosol every day.
404
00:18:43,865 --> 00:18:45,165
Okay?
Then we put on makeup
405
00:18:45,166 --> 00:18:47,801
which is just chemicals
and poison...
406
00:18:47,802 --> 00:18:50,304
then we put on perfume
which is pure alcohol.
407
00:18:50,305 --> 00:18:53,640
It's not that we bitchy...
we're just high...
408
00:18:53,641 --> 00:18:54,975
most of the time.
409
00:18:54,976 --> 00:18:58,112
Bitches are just
lit up everywhere.
410
00:18:58,113 --> 00:19:00,013
Have you ever seen a girl
put on perfume.
411
00:19:00,014 --> 00:19:02,950
She's like eh, eh, eh...
412
00:19:02,951 --> 00:19:05,519
Ah-h-h.
413
00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:09,056
Okay, let's go.
Where we going?
414
00:19:09,057 --> 00:19:10,924
The torture we put
ourselves through...
415
00:19:10,925 --> 00:19:12,593
it's just annoying, you know?
416
00:19:12,594 --> 00:19:13,994
Like do you know
what eyeliner is, sir?
417
00:19:13,995 --> 00:19:15,729
Do you have any idea?
418
00:19:15,730 --> 00:19:16,764
A little bit.
A little bit,
419
00:19:16,765 --> 00:19:18,899
little bit, little bit.
420
00:19:18,900 --> 00:19:20,934
Sorry, I can't stop looking
at your scrotum.
421
00:19:20,935 --> 00:19:22,203
Unbelievable!
422
00:19:30,178 --> 00:19:31,578
Eyeliner... no idea.
423
00:19:31,579 --> 00:19:35,150
Just based on the word
eye...liner.
424
00:19:36,684 --> 00:19:38,218
Zero?
425
00:19:38,219 --> 00:19:39,353
Nothing.
426
00:19:39,354 --> 00:19:40,988
Zip. Guys don't even know.
427
00:19:40,989 --> 00:19:42,189
Do you have any idea, sir?
428
00:19:42,190 --> 00:19:43,891
- I can take a hint.
- You can take a hint.
429
00:19:43,892 --> 00:19:46,593
Okay, let's see.
430
00:19:46,594 --> 00:19:48,563
You apply it to your eye.
431
00:19:51,833 --> 00:19:53,367
See, this is...
he's my worst nightmare.
432
00:19:53,368 --> 00:19:55,069
This is my worst nightmare.
433
00:19:55,070 --> 00:19:56,737
This is literal guy.
434
00:19:56,738 --> 00:20:01,275
This is the guy who in a fight,
he just sticks to the facts.
435
00:20:01,276 --> 00:20:03,677
To win... he's the guy
who's like,
436
00:20:03,678 --> 00:20:04,812
"No, no, no I didn't say
you were a bitch.
437
00:20:04,813 --> 00:20:07,315
I said you were
being a bitch."
438
00:20:12,987 --> 00:20:14,988
And you're like, okay,
I got to go regroup...
439
00:20:14,989 --> 00:20:16,990
I'll be right back.
440
00:20:16,991 --> 00:20:19,259
Does any guy know
how eyeliner is applied?
441
00:20:19,260 --> 00:20:21,228
This amazes me.
The guy has no idea.
442
00:20:21,229 --> 00:20:22,229
With a brush.
443
00:20:22,230 --> 00:20:25,999
With a brush... no!
444
00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:28,869
That's another
masochistic thing we do.
445
00:20:28,870 --> 00:20:31,305
That's eye shadow...
it's applied with a brush.
446
00:20:31,306 --> 00:20:32,906
The point of eye shadow
is to make us look
447
00:20:32,907 --> 00:20:34,007
like we have black eyes,
448
00:20:34,008 --> 00:20:35,008
so why don't you take
a good hard look at yourself
449
00:20:35,009 --> 00:20:37,979
and why you think
that's attractive, sickos.
450
00:20:40,882 --> 00:20:42,116
I can't do eye shadow myself.
451
00:20:42,117 --> 00:20:43,350
It's actually difficult to do.
452
00:20:43,351 --> 00:20:45,352
I just have to be like baby,
can you punch me in the face?
453
00:20:45,353 --> 00:20:46,821
I'm going to work.
454
00:20:48,857 --> 00:20:50,257
Eyeliner... nothing.
455
00:20:50,258 --> 00:20:51,258
This is amazing to me.
456
00:20:51,259 --> 00:20:52,860
Eyeliner.
What's that?
457
00:20:52,861 --> 00:20:54,027
Do you know how?
458
00:20:54,028 --> 00:20:55,295
With a pen?
459
00:20:55,296 --> 00:20:57,297
No!
460
00:20:57,298 --> 00:20:59,333
What else, what's close to pen?
461
00:20:59,334 --> 00:21:01,034
- A pencil.
- Pencil!
462
00:21:01,035 --> 00:21:03,370
Doesn't that sound
a little fucking dangerous
463
00:21:03,371 --> 00:21:05,239
to anybody else?
464
00:21:05,240 --> 00:21:09,810
We're putting pencils
in our eyeballs.
465
00:21:09,811 --> 00:21:12,246
Like I think the first thing
you learn as a child
466
00:21:12,247 --> 00:21:15,849
is do not get a pencil
near your eye...
467
00:21:15,850 --> 00:21:17,718
until you become
an adult woman...
468
00:21:17,719 --> 00:21:18,952
in which case
we want you to put it
469
00:21:18,953 --> 00:21:21,488
inside your eyeball
every morning.
470
00:21:21,489 --> 00:21:23,123
We know you're probably
going to do it
471
00:21:23,124 --> 00:21:25,492
while you're driving.
472
00:21:25,493 --> 00:21:26,326
We don't care...
473
00:21:26,327 --> 00:21:30,063
only way to get a man
to like you.
474
00:21:30,064 --> 00:21:31,365
I was worried that it was taking
475
00:21:31,366 --> 00:21:33,400
some kind of toll
on our eyesight,
476
00:21:33,401 --> 00:21:35,335
like collectively as women,
you know.
477
00:21:35,336 --> 00:21:38,438
I feel like putting ink
and pencils and dye...
478
00:21:38,439 --> 00:21:40,841
this has got to be bad
for our vision.
479
00:21:40,842 --> 00:21:42,910
You know, sometimes
women see shit
480
00:21:42,911 --> 00:21:45,913
that's just not fucking there.
481
00:21:45,914 --> 00:21:48,448
I think there's a correlation.
482
00:21:48,449 --> 00:21:49,816
I used to always accuse my ex
483
00:21:49,817 --> 00:21:50,884
of checking out hot chicks
in front of me.
484
00:21:50,885 --> 00:21:52,786
He'd be like what chicks...
I don't see any chicks.
485
00:21:52,787 --> 00:21:55,956
I'd be like I don't know,
motherfucker.
486
00:21:55,957 --> 00:21:58,825
I don't have any
peripheral vision anymore,
487
00:21:58,826 --> 00:21:59,826
from all this eyeliner.
488
00:21:59,827 --> 00:22:01,496
I see hot chicks everywhere.
489
00:22:02,864 --> 00:22:04,064
So much suffering.
490
00:22:04,065 --> 00:22:06,400
There's so much pain involved
in being a girl, you know?
491
00:22:06,401 --> 00:22:07,568
I don't think women are weak.
492
00:22:07,569 --> 00:22:09,536
I think women are too strong
because we just endure it.
493
00:22:09,537 --> 00:22:12,005
We just take it
and don't complain about it,
494
00:22:12,006 --> 00:22:14,508
but I do think that it
manifests in other ways.
495
00:22:14,509 --> 00:22:15,676
Like next time
you're talking to a girl
496
00:22:15,677 --> 00:22:18,412
and you think she's acting
like shitty or unreasonable,
497
00:22:18,413 --> 00:22:22,082
just remember that she's got
a polyester string
498
00:22:22,083 --> 00:22:24,285
in her asshole.
499
00:22:29,524 --> 00:22:32,359
Yeah, she's probably
a little stressed out, okay?
500
00:22:32,360 --> 00:22:37,030
We're all a little on edge,
and I think that's probably why.
501
00:22:37,031 --> 00:22:38,498
A guy will be like
what's up your ass?
502
00:22:38,499 --> 00:22:41,468
I'm like uh-h-h.
503
00:22:41,469 --> 00:22:42,569
I can tell you right now,
504
00:22:42,570 --> 00:22:47,341
it's a polyester string
I paid $35 for.
505
00:22:47,342 --> 00:22:50,944
That I can't even put
in the fucking dryer.
506
00:22:50,945 --> 00:22:52,180
Do you have a question?
507
00:23:00,922 --> 00:23:02,022
I can't do a lot of it,
you know.
508
00:23:02,023 --> 00:23:03,223
I can't do high heels.
509
00:23:03,224 --> 00:23:04,157
I cannot do high heels
510
00:23:04,158 --> 00:23:06,093
because I feel like
it makes me shitty.
511
00:23:06,094 --> 00:23:07,861
I get in a bad mood
when I'm wearing high heels,
512
00:23:07,862 --> 00:23:09,529
you know.
It's just so weird to me.
513
00:23:09,530 --> 00:23:11,098
Some of you guys are here
with girls tonight
514
00:23:11,099 --> 00:23:14,901
whose feet are bleeding.
515
00:23:14,902 --> 00:23:16,203
But you're not doing
anything about it.
516
00:23:16,204 --> 00:23:17,170
It's not even weird...
517
00:23:17,171 --> 00:23:19,039
you're not getting them
a Band-Aid, nothing.
518
00:23:19,040 --> 00:23:22,309
It's just accepted that
we like limp around, you know.
519
00:23:22,310 --> 00:23:25,445
I also don't like it
because I feel like when I do,
520
00:23:25,446 --> 00:23:27,114
the guy that I'm with
will get mad at me
521
00:23:27,115 --> 00:23:28,215
for wearing heels, you know?
522
00:23:28,216 --> 00:23:29,549
He'll go why are you wearing
those high-heeled shoes?
523
00:23:29,550 --> 00:23:31,385
It's going to ruin
our whole night
524
00:23:31,386 --> 00:23:33,020
because you're going to be
complaining the entire time
525
00:23:33,021 --> 00:23:34,154
about your feet hurting
526
00:23:34,155 --> 00:23:35,322
and I'm going to have to
go get the car
527
00:23:35,323 --> 00:23:37,291
and pull the car around.
528
00:23:37,292 --> 00:23:40,560
Like um, hey bro,
I'm wearing heels
529
00:23:40,561 --> 00:23:43,931
so that you want to fuck me.
530
00:23:46,200 --> 00:23:47,200
Because if I don't,
531
00:23:47,201 --> 00:23:48,568
you're going to leave me
for someone who does.
532
00:23:48,569 --> 00:23:49,636
I've seen porn,
533
00:23:49,637 --> 00:23:52,473
and none of those bitches
are wearing Aerosoles.
534
00:23:59,247 --> 00:24:00,915
Just go get the car.
535
00:24:03,151 --> 00:24:04,418
Like I'm always trying
to look good for guys
536
00:24:04,419 --> 00:24:06,920
and it's always backfiring
on me, you know?
537
00:24:06,921 --> 00:24:08,221
Like when I'm taking
too long in the bathroom...
538
00:24:08,222 --> 00:24:10,123
you're taking forever
in the bathroom.
539
00:24:10,124 --> 00:24:11,258
We're going to miss
our reservation.
540
00:24:11,259 --> 00:24:12,859
I'm like I'm sorry...
I'm just in here
541
00:24:12,860 --> 00:24:14,394
trying to make you think
I'm pretty.
542
00:24:14,395 --> 00:24:16,163
I'm not in a huge rush
to get to the restaurant.
543
00:24:16,164 --> 00:24:19,099
It's not like I can eat anything
once we get there anyway.
544
00:24:19,100 --> 00:24:21,334
I'm fucking starving to death.
545
00:24:21,335 --> 00:24:25,273
I haven't had bread since '95,
so just be cool, man.
546
00:24:27,275 --> 00:24:28,275
Then we get in trouble for that.
547
00:24:28,276 --> 00:24:29,309
Why are you always on a diet?
548
00:24:29,310 --> 00:24:30,911
You're always on a diet.
549
00:24:30,912 --> 00:24:33,280
I'm on a diet because
I'm trying to get the body
550
00:24:33,281 --> 00:24:36,884
of the women you jerk off to
after I fall asleep.
551
00:24:39,253 --> 00:24:40,687
It's not just
that I love lettuce.
552
00:24:40,688 --> 00:24:43,457
Okay?
I don't love lettuce.
553
00:24:43,458 --> 00:24:46,326
What is the confusion.
554
00:24:46,327 --> 00:24:48,662
It's always something, man.
555
00:24:48,663 --> 00:24:50,097
Why are you always cold?
556
00:24:50,098 --> 00:24:51,198
Why are you always cold?
557
00:24:51,199 --> 00:24:52,466
You're always cold.
558
00:24:52,467 --> 00:24:58,071
I'm cold because
I lasered my entire body...
559
00:24:58,072 --> 00:25:03,511
so that you would think
I'm soft, you fucking pedophile.
560
00:25:19,026 --> 00:25:21,529
Unbelievable!
561
00:25:23,531 --> 00:25:25,966
Actually, there's a lot of stuff
you guys don't know.
562
00:25:25,967 --> 00:25:27,134
You know there's a lot of stuff
you guys don't know
563
00:25:27,135 --> 00:25:28,268
and I feel like
if you knew about it,
564
00:25:28,269 --> 00:25:30,737
you'd be a little less
frustrated with us, you know?
565
00:25:30,738 --> 00:25:32,172
Like there's so much stuff
you guys don't know.
566
00:25:32,173 --> 00:25:35,376
Like you guys don't know
about the voices.
567
00:25:38,379 --> 00:25:40,580
No one told you
about that shit, huh?
568
00:25:40,581 --> 00:25:42,182
You think it's bad
when our mouths are moving...
569
00:25:42,183 --> 00:25:46,253
no, that's the best case
scenario.
570
00:25:46,254 --> 00:25:49,990
It's when our mouths are shut
that you need to be concerned.
571
00:25:49,991 --> 00:25:53,660
Because that means
we're fucking thinking.
572
00:25:53,661 --> 00:25:56,730
That's when all
the problems start.
573
00:25:56,731 --> 00:25:57,664
Because I feel like
in this culture
574
00:25:57,665 --> 00:26:00,434
girls are taught to be
so self-critical.
575
00:26:00,435 --> 00:26:01,535
You know, we compare ourselves
576
00:26:01,536 --> 00:26:03,503
to such an impossible
physical ideal
577
00:26:03,504 --> 00:26:05,405
that we're always
judging ourselves.
578
00:26:05,406 --> 00:26:06,673
You know, I'm so insecure
at this point
579
00:26:06,674 --> 00:26:08,708
I just have this constant
inner monologue
580
00:26:08,709 --> 00:26:12,179
saying the meanest shit to me
all the time.
581
00:26:12,180 --> 00:26:15,182
It's just like, "Hey, Whitney,
582
00:26:15,183 --> 00:26:18,718
"your thighs are touching...
583
00:26:18,719 --> 00:26:20,587
"You probably shouldn't
have had that cheese
584
00:26:20,588 --> 00:26:24,457
"last night, you fuckin' pig.
585
00:26:24,458 --> 00:26:26,560
"You haven't gone
to the gym yet today...
586
00:26:26,561 --> 00:26:29,696
"that's an interesting choice.
587
00:26:29,697 --> 00:26:33,099
"I guess you're just
going to die alone.
588
00:26:33,100 --> 00:26:35,502
"Even if a man does marry you,
you're so loud
589
00:26:35,503 --> 00:26:38,739
he's going to leave you
for an Asian girl."
590
00:26:41,242 --> 00:26:44,711
Just the meanest stuff,
constantly.
591
00:26:44,712 --> 00:26:47,781
But I feel like guys don't have
that same insecurity, you know?
592
00:26:47,782 --> 00:26:49,217
Obviously.
593
00:26:53,754 --> 00:26:55,655
I don't think guys are
self-critical like that.
594
00:26:55,656 --> 00:26:57,190
I feel like guys
doing a monologue
595
00:26:57,191 --> 00:26:57,991
is totally different.
596
00:26:57,992 --> 00:26:59,359
I feel like guys
doing a monologue
597
00:26:59,360 --> 00:27:02,429
are like, "What's up, bro?
598
00:27:02,430 --> 00:27:05,131
"Looking awesome!
599
00:27:05,132 --> 00:27:10,537
"Really killing it today,
per usual.
600
00:27:10,538 --> 00:27:13,173
"Dude, I don't think
you need to shave today...
601
00:27:13,174 --> 00:27:18,578
"that weird black hair growing
out of your back looks cool.
602
00:27:18,579 --> 00:27:20,513
"Dude, do not shave your face.
603
00:27:20,514 --> 00:27:22,682
"Fuck your girlfriend
and her bloody chin.
604
00:27:22,683 --> 00:27:25,485
"Fuck her!
605
00:27:25,486 --> 00:27:27,821
"Dude, I'm thinking
you should wear
606
00:27:27,822 --> 00:27:31,192
"those awesome
cargo shorts again today.
607
00:27:32,326 --> 00:27:35,396
With socks and sandals."
608
00:27:42,236 --> 00:27:44,537
Must be nice.
609
00:27:44,538 --> 00:27:47,742
Must be nice to like yourselves.
610
00:27:50,511 --> 00:27:51,778
I feel like I spend so much time
611
00:27:51,779 --> 00:27:54,414
trying to figure out what guys
are thinking about, you know?
612
00:27:54,415 --> 00:27:56,349
That's like our favorite thing
to do as girls, right...
613
00:27:56,350 --> 00:27:58,285
ask guys what they're thinking,
you know?
614
00:27:58,286 --> 00:28:00,387
"Hey babe, what are you
thinking about... "
615
00:28:00,388 --> 00:28:01,454
it's always
the same shit, right?
616
00:28:01,455 --> 00:28:02,990
"Nothin'."
617
00:28:03,791 --> 00:28:05,292
Like we got to stop doing that.
618
00:28:05,293 --> 00:28:07,460
That has never gone well
for any girl.
619
00:28:07,461 --> 00:28:10,697
Like no girl in the history
of time was ever like
620
00:28:10,698 --> 00:28:13,800
"Hey babe,
what are you thinking about..."
621
00:28:13,801 --> 00:28:16,736
And the guy was like,
622
00:28:16,737 --> 00:28:18,472
"Well...
...I'm glad you asked.
623
00:28:22,176 --> 00:28:24,344
"I was just thinking about
how young you look
624
00:28:24,345 --> 00:28:26,179
"and how much I love monogamy.
625
00:28:26,180 --> 00:28:27,682
Can we talk about it?"
626
00:28:31,619 --> 00:28:33,453
No, it's always
the same shit, right?
627
00:28:33,454 --> 00:28:35,155
"Nothin'."
628
00:28:35,156 --> 00:28:36,089
But, you know what...
629
00:28:36,090 --> 00:28:37,290
I've finally come to terms
with the fact
630
00:28:37,291 --> 00:28:43,564
that I think guys really do
think about fuckin' nothing.
631
00:28:45,700 --> 00:28:47,300
Like I feel like guys
drive down the street
632
00:28:47,301 --> 00:28:50,303
and this is pretty much
what goes on in your mind.
633
00:28:50,304 --> 00:28:52,773
Driving down the street
just in your car...
634
00:29:01,415 --> 00:29:02,350
"Tree.
635
00:29:07,288 --> 00:29:08,289
"Tree.
636
00:29:10,124 --> 00:29:12,326
Damn, she's got big tits."
637
00:29:15,663 --> 00:29:17,430
But then that's pretty much it.
638
00:29:17,431 --> 00:29:19,633
Right? If there's no emotion,
it's just like thing,
639
00:29:19,634 --> 00:29:24,371
thing, stuff, thing,
thing, stuff, thing.
640
00:29:24,372 --> 00:29:27,240
But for me to drive down
that same street, nightmare.
641
00:29:27,241 --> 00:29:28,041
Stress.
642
00:29:28,042 --> 00:29:30,810
Memories, emotions, triggering.
643
00:29:30,811 --> 00:29:32,379
So much drama.
644
00:29:32,380 --> 00:29:34,749
For me to drive down
that same street, it's like,
645
00:29:37,418 --> 00:29:39,753
Oh my God, look at that tree.
646
00:29:39,754 --> 00:29:40,954
My ex-boyfriend
had a tree in his yard.
647
00:29:40,955 --> 00:29:42,589
Oh my God!
648
00:29:42,590 --> 00:29:45,258
I miss him so much.
649
00:29:45,259 --> 00:29:46,493
Oh, look at that tree.
650
00:29:46,494 --> 00:29:47,494
That tree's thinner than me.
651
00:29:47,495 --> 00:29:49,196
What the fuck...
I hate trees.
652
00:29:50,197 --> 00:29:51,799
Well, who's this bitch
with the big tits?
653
00:29:53,634 --> 00:29:54,801
And that's just to get
to Rite-Aid.
654
00:29:54,802 --> 00:29:56,537
It's just a saga.
655
00:29:58,773 --> 00:29:59,773
You know, I was explaining this
656
00:29:59,774 --> 00:30:00,774
to a guy friend of mine.
657
00:30:00,775 --> 00:30:02,375
I was explaining this
to a guy friend of mine
658
00:30:02,376 --> 00:30:03,610
and I was just telling him,
you know,
659
00:30:03,611 --> 00:30:04,811
that I think that being a girl
is just more of a challenge
660
00:30:04,812 --> 00:30:07,447
sometimes because we have
more to think about, you know.
661
00:30:07,448 --> 00:30:09,883
We have to worry about
all this superficial stuff...
662
00:30:09,884 --> 00:30:12,585
our, you know,
nails getting done, our hair,
663
00:30:12,586 --> 00:30:15,488
our clothes and matching
and purses and stuff.
664
00:30:15,489 --> 00:30:17,457
He's like "Yeah, yeah,
but that's not our fault.
665
00:30:17,458 --> 00:30:19,426
"That's not our fault because
women don't dress for men.
666
00:30:19,427 --> 00:30:21,795
Women dress for other women."
667
00:30:21,796 --> 00:30:24,732
Does anyone fuck...
I will fight you right now...
668
00:30:26,300 --> 00:30:27,100
All of you.
669
00:30:27,101 --> 00:30:29,335
Women do not dress
for other women.
670
00:30:29,336 --> 00:30:31,438
That's such
a ridiculous philosophy.
671
00:30:31,439 --> 00:30:33,740
Look, I've never been getting
ready putting on a miniskirt
672
00:30:33,741 --> 00:30:36,510
like yeah, my waitress tonight
is going to love this.
673
00:30:38,479 --> 00:30:40,914
Like, no, women do not dress
for other women
674
00:30:40,915 --> 00:30:43,083
and I know this because I have
girls' nights in my house.
675
00:30:43,084 --> 00:30:45,752
And when girls are alone
and no guys are around,
676
00:30:45,753 --> 00:30:47,922
we look like sea creatures.
677
00:30:48,989 --> 00:30:52,959
Okay? It looks like a pirate
ship crashed into my house.
678
00:30:52,960 --> 00:30:56,096
Okay? We all got dreadlocks,
we're wearing slankets around,
679
00:30:56,097 --> 00:31:00,501
pajama jeans, all our leg hairs
just in corn rows.
680
00:31:01,535 --> 00:31:02,903
We have our dicks hanging out.
681
00:31:05,673 --> 00:31:06,940
If a girl comes over
with makeup on,
682
00:31:06,941 --> 00:31:07,974
I'm like, "Bitch,
go wash your face.
683
00:31:07,975 --> 00:31:09,376
Whose team are you on?"
684
00:31:11,779 --> 00:31:12,712
I do think this idea, though,
685
00:31:12,713 --> 00:31:15,315
is kind of at the root
of the philosophy
686
00:31:15,316 --> 00:31:17,517
that people think that women
don't like other women.
687
00:31:17,518 --> 00:31:18,785
I think that happens because
688
00:31:18,786 --> 00:31:21,421
when we're super dressed up
to impress a guy
689
00:31:21,422 --> 00:31:23,556
and we see each other,
we avoid each other
690
00:31:23,557 --> 00:31:25,024
because we're so embarrassed
of all the pathetic,
691
00:31:25,025 --> 00:31:27,961
desperate shit we're doing
to impress a dude.
692
00:31:27,962 --> 00:31:30,530
You know, like when I'm super
dressed up in a push-up bra
693
00:31:30,531 --> 00:31:33,700
and a mini dress and heels
and I see a group of girls,
694
00:31:33,701 --> 00:31:35,668
I'm not like,
"What's up, bitches?
695
00:31:35,669 --> 00:31:37,671
I don't think you're ready
for this jelly."
696
00:31:39,607 --> 00:31:41,407
No! When I see
a group of girls,
697
00:31:41,408 --> 00:31:43,977
I'm so humiliated
at all the dumb,
698
00:31:43,978 --> 00:31:47,046
slutty shit I'm doing,
I'm like, "Oh God, hi.
699
00:31:47,047 --> 00:31:48,715
"Um...
700
00:31:48,716 --> 00:31:50,817
"I know this is bad.
701
00:31:50,818 --> 00:31:54,554
"It's just that he's
really shallow and um,
702
00:31:54,555 --> 00:31:57,123
"I'm in my 30's now,
so I've got to make a move,
703
00:31:57,124 --> 00:31:57,957
"you know what I mean...
704
00:31:57,958 --> 00:32:01,829
and he's got a 401k...
you get it."
705
00:32:05,366 --> 00:32:06,232
I don't like that idea
706
00:32:06,233 --> 00:32:07,467
that women don't like
other women.
707
00:32:07,468 --> 00:32:08,434
I don't think that's true.
708
00:32:08,435 --> 00:32:10,403
I just think that women
support other women
709
00:32:10,404 --> 00:32:11,437
when it really counts.
710
00:32:11,438 --> 00:32:13,473
You know, we come in
and have each other's back
711
00:32:13,474 --> 00:32:14,407
when it really counts...
712
00:32:14,408 --> 00:32:16,476
like when we go to
the bathroom together.
713
00:32:16,477 --> 00:32:17,810
You want to know
what's going on in there?
714
00:32:17,811 --> 00:32:19,579
There's one girl
having a bad night,
715
00:32:19,580 --> 00:32:21,614
a bunch of bitches
who have never met each other
716
00:32:21,615 --> 00:32:24,851
in their lives
are like soldiers at war,
717
00:32:24,852 --> 00:32:27,987
nursing each other's wounds.
718
00:32:27,988 --> 00:32:29,556
One girl is on the floor...
I'm like, all right,
719
00:32:29,557 --> 00:32:30,490
pull those Spanx up.
720
00:32:30,491 --> 00:32:32,458
Somebody get a Band-Aid
for that blister.
721
00:32:32,459 --> 00:32:34,060
Someone... her eyebrow
just melted off...
722
00:32:34,061 --> 00:32:36,930
gotta get a Sharpie
to draw that shit back on.
723
00:32:36,931 --> 00:32:38,798
All right, someone get some
Super Glue for those eye lashes.
724
00:32:38,799 --> 00:32:40,099
Her hair extensions
just fell out...
725
00:32:40,100 --> 00:32:41,034
someone get a stapler
726
00:32:41,035 --> 00:32:43,970
to staple that horsehair
back on her head.
727
00:32:43,971 --> 00:32:45,572
Now, bitch, you wipe
the tears off your tits
728
00:32:45,573 --> 00:32:47,707
and you listen to me right now.
729
00:32:47,708 --> 00:32:48,841
You're going to
go back out there,
730
00:32:48,842 --> 00:32:50,777
put a smile on your face
and pretend he's interesting.
731
00:32:50,778 --> 00:32:52,546
Go!
732
00:32:56,517 --> 00:32:57,685
Thank you!
733
00:33:05,092 --> 00:33:06,125
I don't like that at all.
734
00:33:06,126 --> 00:33:08,695
I think when women are nasty
with other women,
735
00:33:08,696 --> 00:33:09,629
it's much more subtle,
736
00:33:09,630 --> 00:33:11,564
like it's much more
insidious, you know.
737
00:33:11,565 --> 00:33:12,932
Like I have this girlfriend,
every time I see her,
738
00:33:12,933 --> 00:33:13,933
she'd be like,
739
00:33:13,934 --> 00:33:18,538
"Hey, hooker.
's up, slut?"
740
00:33:18,539 --> 00:33:20,640
Which that's never
going to feel good, you know?
741
00:33:20,641 --> 00:33:22,508
But to me it's just a reminder
that I think we need to stop
742
00:33:22,509 --> 00:33:24,677
using the word hooker
as a pejorative term.
743
00:33:24,678 --> 00:33:25,912
I have a lot of respect
for hookers.
744
00:33:25,913 --> 00:33:27,780
I think they work very hard
and they do a lot of the jobs
745
00:33:27,781 --> 00:33:29,850
that we don't
want to fucking do.
746
00:33:32,453 --> 00:33:35,221
They are cleaning up
a lot of messes out there.
747
00:33:35,222 --> 00:33:37,391
They are American heroes.
748
00:33:40,828 --> 00:33:41,995
I also think hookers look at us
749
00:33:41,996 --> 00:33:43,997
like we're the idiots, you know?
750
00:33:43,998 --> 00:33:45,598
They look at us
and they're like,
751
00:33:45,599 --> 00:33:48,102
"Those bitches
are having sex for free?
752
00:33:49,603 --> 00:33:51,905
What a bunch
of fuckin' whores."
753
00:33:57,811 --> 00:33:58,812
So silly.
754
00:34:03,651 --> 00:34:04,617
I don't know, man.
755
00:34:04,618 --> 00:34:05,752
I feel like when I was
trying to figure out
756
00:34:05,753 --> 00:34:07,920
what guys were thinking about,
I came across some stuff
757
00:34:07,921 --> 00:34:09,656
that was just
too discouraging, you know.
758
00:34:09,657 --> 00:34:10,490
Like I came across an article
759
00:34:10,491 --> 00:34:11,791
that said that guys
think about sex
760
00:34:11,792 --> 00:34:14,060
at least every five minutes.
761
00:34:14,061 --> 00:34:16,195
Was that like disturbing, right?
762
00:34:16,196 --> 00:34:19,599
Like you guys are responsible
for like really important shit
763
00:34:19,600 --> 00:34:21,034
like wars and bombs,
764
00:34:21,035 --> 00:34:24,671
and you guys can't focus
for five fucking minutes...
765
00:34:24,672 --> 00:34:27,674
Like important men
are thinking about sex
766
00:34:27,675 --> 00:34:30,510
every five minutes
which is like Barack Obama
767
00:34:30,511 --> 00:34:31,577
thinks about sex
every five minutes
768
00:34:31,578 --> 00:34:33,212
which probably explains
why he's always stuttering
769
00:34:33,213 --> 00:34:34,247
during his fucking speeches.
770
00:34:34,248 --> 00:34:35,882
It's like, dude,
771
00:34:35,883 --> 00:34:37,950
get your shit together,
man, you know?
772
00:34:37,951 --> 00:34:38,951
But you'll see it happen.
773
00:34:38,952 --> 00:34:39,886
You'll see him giving a speech
774
00:34:39,887 --> 00:34:42,255
and you'll see
that five-minute mark hit.
775
00:34:42,256 --> 00:34:44,090
You'll see sex enter his mind.
776
00:34:44,091 --> 00:34:45,958
He'll be like, "We're going
to go into Afghanistan
777
00:34:45,959 --> 00:34:48,795
"and we're going to
discuss the...
778
00:34:48,796 --> 00:34:49,629
"um, we're going to,
779
00:34:49,630 --> 00:34:51,765
"ah, we're going to get
on the, uh,
780
00:34:53,133 --> 00:34:54,267
Dude, I just saw that, man.
781
00:34:54,268 --> 00:34:56,769
You were just thinking
about titties... Afghan titties.
782
00:34:56,770 --> 00:34:58,138
I saw it happen.
783
00:35:01,342 --> 00:35:02,175
It's just concerning to me.
784
00:35:02,176 --> 00:35:03,176
I feel like
there are a lot of jobs
785
00:35:03,177 --> 00:35:05,812
where you guys probably
need to focus, right?
786
00:35:05,813 --> 00:35:08,614
Like heart surgeons think
about sex every five minutes
787
00:35:08,615 --> 00:35:11,150
and heart surgeries
are like five hours long,
788
00:35:11,151 --> 00:35:12,852
so that's like 60 times.
789
00:35:12,853 --> 00:35:14,620
Like you know heart surgeons
are just sitting there
790
00:35:14,621 --> 00:35:15,421
looking at an open heart
791
00:35:15,422 --> 00:35:18,525
like yeah,
I'd put my dick in that.
792
00:35:24,798 --> 00:35:25,933
I said it.
793
00:35:28,769 --> 00:35:30,670
It's kind of weird, though,
that guys think about sex.
794
00:35:30,671 --> 00:35:32,939
Like we've accepted it so much
as a society now.
795
00:35:32,940 --> 00:35:34,240
You know,
it's so institutionalized.
796
00:35:34,241 --> 00:35:35,775
We've embraced it, you know.
797
00:35:35,776 --> 00:35:37,243
Like there's just
a restaurant called Hooters...
798
00:35:37,244 --> 00:35:39,278
that's just a restaurant.
799
00:35:39,279 --> 00:35:40,880
Whereas there would never
be a restaurant like that
800
00:35:40,881 --> 00:35:44,551
for women, you know,
called like Dongs.
801
00:35:45,886 --> 00:35:48,654
Where all the waiters
were like in Speedos and shit
802
00:35:48,655 --> 00:35:51,725
because that would be
a disgusting fucking restaurant.
803
00:35:54,728 --> 00:35:56,530
Nobody would ever eat there.
804
00:35:57,898 --> 00:36:00,400
We do not want to see
your flaccid dicks in spandex...
805
00:36:00,401 --> 00:36:01,467
I gotta be honest.
806
00:36:01,468 --> 00:36:03,837
It looks like a hamster
stuck in a water balloon.
807
00:36:08,776 --> 00:36:11,644
No. No.
808
00:36:11,645 --> 00:36:18,151
So it's like some weird
shitake mushroom coming out...
809
00:36:18,152 --> 00:36:19,952
It's always going up
like a snorkel.
810
00:36:19,953 --> 00:36:21,654
Like why is it up?
811
00:36:21,655 --> 00:36:22,989
Get it down there!
812
00:36:22,990 --> 00:36:24,891
It's always like on one side,
all mis...
813
00:36:24,892 --> 00:36:29,328
why is it so misallocated?
814
00:36:29,329 --> 00:36:30,564
Disgusting.
815
00:36:32,232 --> 00:36:33,933
Like if there was going to be
a restaurant like that
816
00:36:33,934 --> 00:36:36,169
for women where the waiters
were dressed up
817
00:36:36,170 --> 00:36:38,838
to arouse the women
eating there,
818
00:36:38,839 --> 00:36:40,039
they would not be
in Speedos, okay?
819
00:36:40,040 --> 00:36:43,042
They'd be wearing suits,
carrying briefcases,
820
00:36:43,043 --> 00:36:45,245
holding up their perfect
credit reports.
821
00:36:50,284 --> 00:36:51,484
Like I feel like girls
822
00:36:51,485 --> 00:36:56,155
don't need like sex while
we're doing our jobs, you know.
823
00:36:56,156 --> 00:36:57,957
Right? Like you would never turn
on the Cooking Channel
824
00:36:57,958 --> 00:37:00,927
and see like a bunch
of shirtless dudes
825
00:37:00,928 --> 00:37:03,830
like yeah, girl,
ooh, yeah, yeah.
826
00:37:03,831 --> 00:37:06,966
Just put that butter
on the pan, girl.
827
00:37:06,967 --> 00:37:09,336
Just get it in the roast.
828
00:37:10,804 --> 00:37:13,173
I just realized I don't know
anything about cooking.
829
00:37:15,175 --> 00:37:17,711
Did you see the wheels
just turning there?
830
00:37:19,246 --> 00:37:21,414
Like it wasn't even clo...
Roast?
831
00:37:21,415 --> 00:37:25,418
No one does a roast anymore.
832
00:37:25,419 --> 00:37:26,720
I'm going to work on that.
833
00:37:28,922 --> 00:37:30,656
You guys just need sex
all the time.
834
00:37:30,657 --> 00:37:32,758
Like in completely
nonsexual situations,
835
00:37:32,759 --> 00:37:33,926
guys need sex, you know.
836
00:37:33,927 --> 00:37:35,261
Like sports, perfect example.
837
00:37:35,262 --> 00:37:36,262
Football.
838
00:37:36,263 --> 00:37:37,363
You guys are watching football
839
00:37:37,364 --> 00:37:39,298
and you've got these amazing
athletes on the field
840
00:37:39,299 --> 00:37:41,300
doing amazing things,
incredible.
841
00:37:41,301 --> 00:37:43,436
They're flying, they're doing
phenomenal things.
842
00:37:43,437 --> 00:37:44,437
Not enough for you.
843
00:37:44,438 --> 00:37:48,408
You still need whores
around the perimeter...
844
00:37:49,710 --> 00:37:51,911
of the field.
845
00:37:51,912 --> 00:37:53,412
God forbid
there'd be two seconds
846
00:37:53,413 --> 00:37:56,917
without a tit in the background
of something you're watching.
847
00:37:59,286 --> 00:38:00,920
Cheerleaders crack me up, man.
848
00:38:00,921 --> 00:38:01,888
So funny to me because
849
00:38:01,889 --> 00:38:04,891
that's so obviously
a guy's idea, you know.
850
00:38:04,892 --> 00:38:06,292
Like a guy obviously
thought of that
851
00:38:06,293 --> 00:38:08,327
because the cheerleaders
still cheer
852
00:38:08,328 --> 00:38:11,364
even when their team
is fucking losing...
853
00:38:11,365 --> 00:38:12,331
they cheer.
854
00:38:12,332 --> 00:38:13,733
No real women
would ever act like that.
855
00:38:13,734 --> 00:38:14,567
If her man was out on the field
856
00:38:14,568 --> 00:38:17,370
for five hours
on a Sunday bombing,
857
00:38:17,371 --> 00:38:19,338
she wouldn't be like
go, baby, go, go.
858
00:38:19,339 --> 00:38:21,708
She'd be like Jason,
we're leaving.
859
00:38:22,843 --> 00:38:25,311
First of all, you're
embarrassing me, okay?
860
00:38:25,312 --> 00:38:27,013
Second of all,
I'm freezing cold,
861
00:38:27,014 --> 00:38:29,315
I have to pee, and Target
closes in 20 minutes.
862
00:38:29,316 --> 00:38:30,384
Wrap it up.
863
00:38:35,088 --> 00:38:36,856
I think I figured out
why guys like sex more.
864
00:38:36,857 --> 00:38:37,957
I think it's biological.
865
00:38:37,958 --> 00:38:39,392
I think it's because sex
is so much better for guys.
866
00:38:39,393 --> 00:38:40,726
You know, it's so much easier.
867
00:38:40,727 --> 00:38:42,261
Like for a guy...
sex is better for guys
868
00:38:42,262 --> 00:38:44,430
because it's so much easier
for you guys to have an orgasm.
869
00:38:44,431 --> 00:38:45,898
You know, like for a guy
to have an orgasm,
870
00:38:45,899 --> 00:38:49,469
it's just like...
it's like you just...
871
00:38:56,476 --> 00:38:58,077
Pretty much
all that has to happen
872
00:38:58,078 --> 00:39:00,847
is you just have to kind of
walk into something or...
873
00:39:05,218 --> 00:39:08,487
There has to be like
a drizzle out, you know.
874
00:39:08,488 --> 00:39:11,090
Which, by the way, I have
narrowed down men's orgasms
875
00:39:11,091 --> 00:39:13,225
to three basic categories.
876
00:39:13,226 --> 00:39:16,096
Like there's three basic ones...
877
00:39:19,266 --> 00:39:22,535
The first one is like
you just got shot in the back
878
00:39:22,536 --> 00:39:23,937
with an arrow...
879
00:39:30,444 --> 00:39:32,846
The second one
is like you're puking...
880
00:39:38,518 --> 00:39:40,252
And the third one is a rare one,
881
00:39:40,253 --> 00:39:44,257
but it's for the guys
that are like secretly psychos
882
00:39:44,258 --> 00:39:46,792
and they hate women
and it'll come out like
883
00:39:46,793 --> 00:39:49,261
right at the finish line,
you know, like out of nowhere.
884
00:39:49,262 --> 00:39:51,964
They'll be like yeah,
I love you, I need you, yeah.
885
00:39:51,965 --> 00:39:53,734
Shut up, you dumb whore!
886
00:39:57,271 --> 00:39:59,305
I'm like, oh no!
887
00:39:59,306 --> 00:40:00,907
I thought we were in love.
888
00:40:03,443 --> 00:40:05,444
You know for a woman to have
an orgasm it is so hard...
889
00:40:05,445 --> 00:40:08,080
it is so hard to have an orgasm.
890
00:40:08,081 --> 00:40:10,016
It's... I cannot wait
to have one.
891
00:40:10,017 --> 00:40:11,184
I hear they're great.
892
00:40:14,121 --> 00:40:15,621
I mean seriously,
for a girl to have an orgasm,
893
00:40:15,622 --> 00:40:18,224
you've got to be like...
you've got to be like focused.
894
00:40:18,225 --> 00:40:20,893
You have to be like
emotionally connected.
895
00:40:20,894 --> 00:40:22,128
You've got to be relaxed.
896
00:40:22,129 --> 00:40:25,031
You've got to be in great shape,
and it makes it even harder
897
00:40:25,032 --> 00:40:25,898
because you guys watch porn
898
00:40:25,899 --> 00:40:27,400
and you think
that the porn stars
899
00:40:27,401 --> 00:40:29,568
are having orgasms,
but they're all faking it
900
00:40:29,569 --> 00:40:31,470
and they make it look
so fucking easy.
901
00:40:31,471 --> 00:40:33,439
Like porn stars will be
just like' "Ooh, I'm coming,
902
00:40:33,440 --> 00:40:35,075
I'm coming, I'm coming."
903
00:40:38,612 --> 00:40:39,545
That's nothing.
904
00:40:39,546 --> 00:40:43,083
That's she's coming down
from a meth binge.
905
00:40:45,085 --> 00:40:46,218
Nothing's happening to her.
906
00:40:46,219 --> 00:40:47,620
I can't compete with that,
you know.
907
00:40:47,621 --> 00:40:49,955
Like if your girl
is having an orgasm,
908
00:40:49,956 --> 00:40:52,091
she's not going ooh,
I'm coming, I'm coming.
909
00:40:52,092 --> 00:40:53,392
If your girl
is having an orgasm,
910
00:40:53,393 --> 00:40:55,996
she's going'
"Do not fucking moon!"
911
00:40:58,331 --> 00:41:01,033
I swear to God,
I will fucking kill you.
912
00:41:01,034 --> 00:41:02,101
Bastard! Slower.
913
00:41:02,102 --> 00:41:02,968
Tell me you love me...
914
00:41:02,969 --> 00:41:04,571
you better fucking
mean it this time!
915
00:41:05,906 --> 00:41:08,674
Kiss me on the mouth, goddamnit!
916
00:41:08,675 --> 00:41:10,911
Pull my hair,
not the extensions!
917
00:41:12,079 --> 00:41:14,047
Shut up, you dumb whore!
918
00:41:31,398 --> 00:41:32,598
Seriously, for me
to have an orgasm,
919
00:41:32,599 --> 00:41:36,602
like my right leg has to be
behind my left shoulder...
920
00:41:36,603 --> 00:41:37,603
Like you've got a charleyhorse
921
00:41:37,604 --> 00:41:39,271
in your ass, you know.
922
00:41:39,272 --> 00:41:42,141
You got those crazy
bloodshot eyes going,
923
00:41:42,142 --> 00:41:43,442
veins in our foreheads.
924
00:41:43,443 --> 00:41:47,347
Our foreheads look like
your dicks... just veins...
925
00:41:55,155 --> 00:41:56,355
I know it's not easy
for you guys, either.
926
00:41:56,356 --> 00:41:59,625
Now you guys have to like
do so much work.
927
00:41:59,626 --> 00:42:01,327
You guys have to hit
the same spot
928
00:42:01,328 --> 00:42:03,496
like 500 times, you know.
929
00:42:03,497 --> 00:42:05,631
That's why I like to be helpful
during sex, you know.
930
00:42:05,632 --> 00:42:08,334
That's why I treat sex
like the game "Operation".
931
00:42:08,335 --> 00:42:10,670
If the guy misses,
I'm just like...
932
00:42:23,450 --> 00:42:25,484
I used to be very
against porn, you know.
933
00:42:25,485 --> 00:42:28,387
I thought it was bad for women
and like degrading and shit,
934
00:42:28,388 --> 00:42:30,055
but now I kind of like it.
935
00:42:30,056 --> 00:42:32,525
Uh, because you know why...
because I watched it,
936
00:42:32,526 --> 00:42:35,261
and when I watched it,
I learned so much stuff
937
00:42:35,262 --> 00:42:37,263
that I had to be kind of
grateful for it.
938
00:42:37,264 --> 00:42:38,330
I learned watching porn
939
00:42:38,331 --> 00:42:42,568
that the girls in porn
they'll request to the man
940
00:42:42,569 --> 00:42:44,370
where they want him to finish
941
00:42:44,371 --> 00:42:46,606
which I didn't know
that was an option.
942
00:42:48,041 --> 00:42:51,110
See, nobody told me
that we had a vote in that.
943
00:42:51,111 --> 00:42:55,080
I've just been taking whatever
shots have been coming at me...
944
00:42:55,081 --> 00:42:58,350
since 1998...
I don't know.
945
00:42:58,351 --> 00:43:01,054
I feel like I've been storming
the shores of Normandy...
946
00:43:04,357 --> 00:43:05,525
That's a history joke.
947
00:43:08,295 --> 00:43:10,663
I don't know. Now that I know
that's an option...
948
00:43:10,664 --> 00:43:13,666
to request where you'd want
the man to finish...
949
00:43:13,667 --> 00:43:15,201
I'm I'm ready.
950
00:43:15,202 --> 00:43:16,603
Now I've got some ideas.
951
00:43:18,071 --> 00:43:20,773
Maybe like, yeah,
I really want you to come...
952
00:43:20,774 --> 00:43:22,542
In the bathroom?
953
00:43:24,778 --> 00:43:26,278
You just want to
time that out...
954
00:43:26,279 --> 00:43:28,081
whatever you've
got to do to just...
955
00:43:34,221 --> 00:43:35,322
In the sink!
956
00:43:39,693 --> 00:43:40,726
I like the big one, though.
957
00:43:40,727 --> 00:43:43,629
The big one in porn
is the coming on the face.
958
00:43:43,630 --> 00:43:45,464
That's the big one, right?
959
00:43:45,465 --> 00:43:47,467
Yeah.
960
00:43:49,502 --> 00:43:50,804
Let's talk about it.
961
00:43:52,772 --> 00:43:53,906
Like I really think
that as a society
962
00:43:53,907 --> 00:43:57,776
we kind of need to discuss
why we like this so much,
963
00:43:57,777 --> 00:44:01,247
you know, and why you guys
think that we like love it.
964
00:44:01,248 --> 00:44:04,116
Like who told you
that we like need it?
965
00:44:04,117 --> 00:44:07,686
No, nobody ever wants this
to happen to them.
966
00:44:07,687 --> 00:44:10,189
If a girl asks you
to come on her face,
967
00:44:10,190 --> 00:44:12,592
it's because she thinks you're
going to breakup with her.
968
00:44:14,294 --> 00:44:16,630
Always buys you at least
another month or so.
969
00:44:18,331 --> 00:44:20,866
My problem with it is
like the second it's over.
970
00:44:20,867 --> 00:44:22,101
You know, I try to be fun.
971
00:44:22,102 --> 00:44:24,470
You know while it's happening
I can get into it, you know,
972
00:44:24,471 --> 00:44:25,471
because while it's happening
973
00:44:25,472 --> 00:44:28,140
you can be like yeah,
yeah, yeah, ooh, yeah.
974
00:44:28,141 --> 00:44:30,476
Look at us.
Yeah, hit me, hit me.
975
00:44:30,477 --> 00:44:32,211
Yeah, ooh, yeah.
976
00:44:32,212 --> 00:44:33,379
We are so crazy.
977
00:44:33,380 --> 00:44:35,715
We are wild and crazy...
978
00:44:57,304 --> 00:44:59,639
Can I get like a towel
or something?
979
00:45:01,708 --> 00:45:03,776
Or maybe like
a baby wipe or some...
980
00:45:03,777 --> 00:45:05,577
or maybe like a pick ax
981
00:45:05,578 --> 00:45:06,812
because now
it's turned to stone.
982
00:45:06,813 --> 00:45:09,782
I can't open my fucking eyes.
983
00:45:09,783 --> 00:45:10,849
He's not going to help you.
984
00:45:10,850 --> 00:45:13,353
He's too busy taking photos
to send his friends.
985
00:45:18,158 --> 00:45:19,259
You guys are animals.
986
00:45:20,727 --> 00:45:21,560
But I get why guys watch porn.
987
00:45:21,561 --> 00:45:23,529
I get it now
because it's so obvious.
988
00:45:23,530 --> 00:45:25,431
It's just that
naked women are hot.
989
00:45:25,432 --> 00:45:27,566
All naked women are hot.
990
00:45:27,567 --> 00:45:29,401
You know, there's so much
to look at, yeah.
991
00:45:29,402 --> 00:45:31,270
It's disgusting of you.
992
00:45:31,271 --> 00:45:32,371
You're with a date, man.
993
00:45:32,372 --> 00:45:34,640
That's going to be a fight.
994
00:45:34,641 --> 00:45:35,641
But, right?
995
00:45:35,642 --> 00:45:36,442
All boobs and butts...
996
00:45:36,443 --> 00:45:38,277
they all look amazing, you know?
997
00:45:38,278 --> 00:45:39,378
That's why you guys watch porn.
998
00:45:39,379 --> 00:45:42,781
Girls don't watch porn as much
because naked guys...
999
00:45:42,782 --> 00:45:43,783
uck!
1000
00:45:44,918 --> 00:45:46,618
Such a bummer, you know.
1001
00:45:46,619 --> 00:45:47,720
It's just such a...
1002
00:45:47,721 --> 00:45:51,657
this whole Wes Craven
situation you got going on...
1003
00:45:51,658 --> 00:45:54,426
it's just disgusting, you know.
1004
00:45:54,427 --> 00:45:56,228
It's a lot...
it's a lot to take.
1005
00:45:56,229 --> 00:45:58,430
Because like when a dick
comes on the screen,
1006
00:45:58,431 --> 00:46:01,700
we're not like yeah,
"Look at that dick.
1007
00:46:01,701 --> 00:46:03,636
Yeah, I want that dick."
1008
00:46:03,637 --> 00:46:05,871
No. When a dick comes
on the screen,
1009
00:46:05,872 --> 00:46:07,607
we're like, "Oh, there's a dick.
1010
00:46:16,750 --> 00:46:17,550
"What's it doing?
1011
00:46:18,885 --> 00:46:20,486
"What's the dick doing?
Does it see me?
1012
00:46:20,487 --> 00:46:21,521
Does the dick see me?"
1013
00:46:22,722 --> 00:46:26,358
Like there's just nothing
attractive about it, you know.
1014
00:46:26,359 --> 00:46:27,894
Like dicks are so ugly...
1015
00:46:29,929 --> 00:46:32,197
that the second
you guys are born,
1016
00:46:32,198 --> 00:46:34,501
someone has to cut
some of it off.
1017
00:46:38,772 --> 00:46:41,775
To make it even somewhat
presentable to society.
1018
00:46:43,643 --> 00:46:45,811
You guys love your dicks
though, man, you love them.
1019
00:46:45,812 --> 00:46:47,180
You're going yeah!
1020
00:46:48,314 --> 00:46:49,915
Dicks!
1021
00:46:49,916 --> 00:46:52,418
You guys walk around,
you lead with it.
1022
00:46:52,419 --> 00:46:55,621
Lead with it, just walking
around, just letting it go.
1023
00:46:55,622 --> 00:46:57,923
Yeah, just loving my dick.
1024
00:46:57,924 --> 00:47:00,004
You know when you guys
are alone, you're just like...
1025
00:47:13,339 --> 00:47:15,874
You guys walk around
so proud of it.
1026
00:47:15,875 --> 00:47:17,876
You guys walk around like
you got a first place trophy
1027
00:47:17,877 --> 00:47:19,412
in-between your legs.
1028
00:47:20,413 --> 00:47:21,380
I got news for you...
1029
00:47:21,381 --> 00:47:23,216
it doesn't look like
a first place trophy.
1030
00:47:24,017 --> 00:47:25,752
Looks like an old yam.
1031
00:47:28,755 --> 00:47:29,822
Have you seen it?
1032
00:47:29,823 --> 00:47:31,690
Have you... you know what...
no, you haven't seen it
1033
00:47:31,691 --> 00:47:34,427
because your hand
is always on it.
1034
00:47:35,662 --> 00:47:38,264
You've never actually
seen it before.
1035
00:47:40,500 --> 00:47:41,533
Always touchin' it.
1036
00:47:41,534 --> 00:47:43,535
Always touchin' it,
touchin' it, touchin' it.
1037
00:47:43,536 --> 00:47:46,071
What do you... what are you do...
Are you cleaning it off,
1038
00:47:46,072 --> 00:47:49,242
like are you trying to get
three wishes out of it?
1039
00:47:50,777 --> 00:47:51,810
Leave it alone.
1040
00:47:51,811 --> 00:47:54,948
Just let it just dry off.
1041
00:47:57,917 --> 00:47:58,750
You know what that means, right?
1042
00:47:58,751 --> 00:47:59,918
You're always touching
your dicks.
1043
00:47:59,919 --> 00:48:01,720
You know what that means...
you got dick on your hands...
1044
00:48:01,721 --> 00:48:02,754
all of you.
1045
00:48:02,755 --> 00:48:04,356
You have dick, dick, dick,
dick, dicking hands.
1046
00:48:04,357 --> 00:48:05,425
All of you.
1047
00:48:06,760 --> 00:48:07,993
You see guys know that.
1048
00:48:07,994 --> 00:48:08,961
Guys are in on it.
1049
00:48:08,962 --> 00:48:09,995
That's why guys are
always giving each other
1050
00:48:09,996 --> 00:48:11,331
the fist pump.
1051
00:48:14,634 --> 00:48:15,935
They know, you know.
1052
00:48:18,037 --> 00:48:19,671
Did you ever see two guys
walk towards each other?
1053
00:48:19,672 --> 00:48:21,406
Like hey man, what's up, man?
Yeah, yeah.
1054
00:48:21,407 --> 00:48:22,341
Oh, yeah, yeah.
1055
00:48:22,342 --> 00:48:24,022
I've been touching
my dick today, too, man.
1056
00:48:26,079 --> 00:48:27,379
Yeah, we both got dicks.
1057
00:48:27,380 --> 00:48:28,548
We got dicks.
1058
00:48:29,749 --> 00:48:30,716
Like that's like your whole day.
1059
00:48:30,717 --> 00:48:35,922
Just like eh, eh, eh,
eh, eh, eh, eh, eh.
1060
00:48:45,031 --> 00:48:47,366
That's the trick.
That is the trick of dating
1061
00:48:47,367 --> 00:48:48,667
is that when you get
back out there,
1062
00:48:48,668 --> 00:48:51,103
you've got to see all these
new dicks, you know?
1063
00:48:51,104 --> 00:48:53,505
I know, it's a lot.
1064
00:48:53,506 --> 00:48:54,940
Like when you live
with someone for awhile
1065
00:48:54,941 --> 00:48:55,807
or you're married,
1066
00:48:55,808 --> 00:48:57,543
you get used to
their dick, you know?
1067
00:48:57,544 --> 00:48:58,710
It's like it grows on you.
1068
00:48:58,711 --> 00:49:00,145
It's like a basset hound...
1069
00:49:00,146 --> 00:49:02,482
like it's ugly but it's yours.
1070
00:49:04,717 --> 00:49:05,718
You know.
1071
00:49:08,021 --> 00:49:11,024
It'll come over and like
hey, what are you doing?
1072
00:49:12,325 --> 00:49:14,360
You're like hi, dick,
what's u-up?
1073
00:49:15,328 --> 00:49:16,328
Do you want to hang out?
1074
00:49:16,329 --> 00:49:18,730
No, not really.
1075
00:49:18,731 --> 00:49:19,731
But when you're single,
1076
00:49:19,732 --> 00:49:21,700
man, you've got to see
all these new dicks.
1077
00:49:21,701 --> 00:49:22,668
You know, you've got to,
1078
00:49:22,669 --> 00:49:24,937
you've got to really
get in there, you know.
1079
00:49:24,938 --> 00:49:26,471
But the problem is
when you see a new dick
1080
00:49:26,472 --> 00:49:27,339
because every new dick
1081
00:49:27,340 --> 00:49:32,511
is a whole new set
of WebMD searches.
1082
00:49:32,512 --> 00:49:34,012
You know. You've got to
inspect the new ones.
1083
00:49:34,013 --> 00:49:35,147
You've got to make sure
everything's legit.
1084
00:49:35,148 --> 00:49:37,482
You've got to make sure
everything's, you know, safe.
1085
00:49:37,483 --> 00:49:39,151
You know, but the problem is
1086
00:49:39,152 --> 00:49:41,887
when you get that close
to a dick,
1087
00:49:41,888 --> 00:49:43,823
you're that close to a dick.
1088
00:49:45,124 --> 00:49:48,393
You know what happens when
you're that close to a dick.
1089
00:49:48,394 --> 00:49:50,429
Yeah.
1090
00:49:50,430 --> 00:49:52,110
You've got to put that thing
in your mouth.
1091
00:49:54,200 --> 00:49:56,134
And it's not
because we want to...
1092
00:49:56,135 --> 00:49:59,504
it's because something happens
when a woman's face
1093
00:49:59,505 --> 00:50:03,542
is within like a foot
of a man's dick
1094
00:50:03,543 --> 00:50:05,645
where a hand will come down...
1095
00:50:10,950 --> 00:50:13,453
And you can't get out...
it moves with you.
1096
00:50:17,523 --> 00:50:18,825
Oh shit!
1097
00:50:24,564 --> 00:50:26,032
Fine!
1098
00:50:29,836 --> 00:50:31,504
That is so rude!
1099
00:50:33,840 --> 00:50:35,507
Man, I don't mean to be
mean about it...
1100
00:50:35,508 --> 00:50:36,775
I just feel like
you guys don't see it
1101
00:50:36,776 --> 00:50:38,243
from our perspective, you know.
1102
00:50:38,244 --> 00:50:40,112
You don't see what we see.
1103
00:50:40,113 --> 00:50:40,979
You know, we've got to see
1104
00:50:40,980 --> 00:50:43,715
this super weird
transformation happen
1105
00:50:43,716 --> 00:50:45,984
that is so creepy, you know.
1106
00:50:45,985 --> 00:50:47,052
Here's the thing...
1107
00:50:47,053 --> 00:50:54,293
anything that changes
in shape, size, and color
1108
00:50:54,294 --> 00:50:58,130
without your permission
is a little fucking weird.
1109
00:50:58,131 --> 00:50:59,164
You know.
1110
00:50:59,165 --> 00:51:00,999
Like from our point of view,
it is terrifying.
1111
00:51:01,000 --> 00:51:02,668
Like this is what it looks like
from our point of view,
1112
00:51:02,669 --> 00:51:03,602
just so you guys know.
1113
00:51:03,603 --> 00:51:07,005
Okay, it'll start out
1114
00:51:07,006 --> 00:51:08,841
just hanging, chilling.
1115
00:51:10,843 --> 00:51:12,879
You're touchin' it, touchin' it.
1116
00:51:19,252 --> 00:51:20,819
Then you're like...
1117
00:51:20,820 --> 00:51:23,022
it'll hear like a noise or...
1118
00:51:29,929 --> 00:51:31,030
Um?
1119
00:51:50,850 --> 00:51:52,685
"Would you like to play?"
1120
00:51:54,587 --> 00:51:56,188
I love you guys.
Thank you so much
1121
00:51:56,189 --> 00:51:59,624
for coming down
for the show, everybody.
1122
00:51:59,625 --> 00:52:00,626
Thank you.
1123
00:52:38,064 --> 00:52:41,233
I just want to say I really
appreciate you guys coming out.
1124
00:52:41,234 --> 00:52:43,368
Standup is my favorite thing
to do in the world
1125
00:52:43,369 --> 00:52:44,302
and I do it for you guys.
1126
00:52:44,303 --> 00:52:46,805
So, thank you so much
for supporting me.
1127
00:52:46,806 --> 00:52:49,108
I love you very much.
1128
00:52:56,883 --> 00:52:58,918
Bye, everybody.
1129
00:53:27,168 --> 00:55:13,629
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