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Sit on my face
and tell me that you love me
4
00:02:32,486 --> 00:02:35,823
I'll sit on your face
and tell you I love you too
5
00:02:35,989 --> 00:02:39,192
I love to hear you oralize
6
00:02:39,427 --> 00:02:40,793
When I'm between your thighs
7
00:02:40,994 --> 00:02:42,730
You blow me away
8
00:02:42,930 --> 00:02:46,734
Sit on my face
and let my lips embrace you
9
00:02:46,966 --> 00:02:50,438
I'll sit on your face
and then I'll love you truly
10
00:02:50,638 --> 00:02:54,208
Life can be fine if we both 69
11
00:02:54,242 --> 00:02:56,543
If we sit on our faces
in all sorts of places and play
12
00:02:56,744 --> 00:02:59,913
Till we're blown away
13
00:03:17,465 --> 00:03:18,566
Hello, good evening
and welcome
14
00:03:18,766 --> 00:03:21,435
to the Ronald Reagan
Memorial Bowl,
15
00:03:24,704 --> 00:03:28,409
here in the pretty little
L.A. suburb of Hollywood,
16
00:03:28,942 --> 00:03:31,412
where we're about to witness
all in wrestling,
17
00:03:31,645 --> 00:03:33,781
brought to you tonight,
ladies and gentlemen,
18
00:03:33,814 --> 00:03:35,683
by the makers of Scum,
19
00:03:36,817 --> 00:03:39,420
the world's first ever
combined hair oil,
20
00:03:39,453 --> 00:03:41,755
foot ointment,
and salad dressing.
21
00:03:43,357 --> 00:03:46,694
And the makers of Titan,
the novelty nuclear missile!
22
00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:48,629
You never know
when it'll go off!
23
00:03:50,331 --> 00:03:52,266
Surprise your friends,
amuse your enemies,
24
00:03:52,300 --> 00:03:53,966
start the party with a bang!
25
00:03:55,035 --> 00:03:56,937
Introducing,
ladies and gentlemen, tonight,
26
00:03:56,970 --> 00:04:00,874
all the way from
a mud-wrestling tour
27
00:04:00,908 --> 00:04:02,410
of the OPEC countries,
28
00:04:02,643 --> 00:04:06,246
in the red corner:
Colin "Bomber" Harris!
29
00:04:10,551 --> 00:04:12,986
and, ladies and gentlemen,
in the blue corner,
30
00:04:13,020 --> 00:04:15,323
all the way from
a mud-wrestling tour
31
00:04:15,356 --> 00:04:18,591
of the OPEC countries,
Colin "Bomber" Harris!
32
00:04:21,428 --> 00:04:24,532
Well, now, ladies and gentlemen,
this is the first time
33
00:04:24,565 --> 00:04:27,935
that Colin "Bomber" Harris
has met himself.
34
00:04:30,003 --> 00:04:31,772
A few formalities now,
any moment now,
35
00:04:31,805 --> 00:04:33,807
we'll be ready
for the start of Round One.
36
00:04:34,508 --> 00:04:35,543
There goes the bell!
37
00:04:36,510 --> 00:04:38,011
Colin moves to the middle
of the ring there,
38
00:04:38,712 --> 00:04:42,350
he's looking for an opening,
going for the handhold.
39
00:04:44,117 --> 00:04:47,755
He's got it!
Into the head-squeeze.
40
00:04:48,789 --> 00:04:49,890
A head-squeeze there.
41
00:04:50,924 --> 00:04:52,893
A favorite move of Colin's
at this opening stage.
42
00:04:52,926 --> 00:04:53,994
Flying there,
43
00:04:55,195 --> 00:04:57,531
and already Colin is working
on that weak left knee of his!
44
00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:00,401
A half nelson.
45
00:05:01,402 --> 00:05:02,736
A half nelson
and a Philadelphia Half-Lotus,
46
00:05:02,770 --> 00:05:05,072
and Colin bit himself
on purpose there,
47
00:05:05,105 --> 00:05:07,475
and he has been given
a public warning by the referee,
48
00:05:07,508 --> 00:05:09,343
and Colin did not like that
one little bit!
49
00:05:10,578 --> 00:05:13,681
Forearm.
Double overhead nostril.
50
00:05:14,382 --> 00:05:18,085
Back-kick,
and into the Boston crayfish--
51
00:05:18,118 --> 00:05:19,887
no, it's a crawfish,
or is it a langoustine?
52
00:05:20,087 --> 00:05:21,722
No, it's a langoustine!
A lovely move there!
53
00:05:21,922 --> 00:05:23,457
He's caught himself by surprise
and that is it,
54
00:05:23,491 --> 00:05:25,526
the first fall to
Colin "Bomber" Harris!
55
00:05:26,827 --> 00:05:27,961
Swell! A lovely move there!
56
00:05:28,996 --> 00:05:30,398
And Colin must be
pretty pleased with himself
57
00:05:31,331 --> 00:05:32,199
having caught himself out
with that one!
58
00:05:32,232 --> 00:05:34,568
And a forearm chop.
A strawberry whip,
59
00:05:34,868 --> 00:05:38,005
a vanilla whip,
a chocolate whip...
60
00:05:38,038 --> 00:05:40,541
There it is,
Colin's most famous hold:
61
00:05:40,574 --> 00:05:43,010
the one-leg-over-shoulder
Gerry Ford,
62
00:05:43,043 --> 00:05:44,612
and Colin's in real trouble!
63
00:05:45,746 --> 00:05:46,947
He's just made it to the rope,
64
00:05:46,980 --> 00:05:48,616
just a little lucky there,
I feel.
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00:05:48,649 --> 00:05:51,385
There it is,
a double Eydie Gorme,
66
00:05:51,685 --> 00:05:53,053
should be able
to twist out of this,
67
00:05:53,086 --> 00:05:54,588
and he does,
but he's looking pretty groggy.
68
00:05:55,589 --> 00:05:56,624
And I think
he's caught himself there
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00:05:57,558 --> 00:05:58,025
with two forearm smashes,
and that is it!
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00:05:59,026 --> 00:06:01,429
Colin "Bomber" Harris
has knocked himself out
71
00:06:01,662 --> 00:06:03,497
and so he is the winner
72
00:06:03,531 --> 00:06:06,700
and he goes on next week
to meet himself in the final!
73
00:06:21,014 --> 00:06:25,986
Never be rude to an Arab
74
00:06:26,186 --> 00:06:32,659
An Israeli or Saudi or Jew
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00:06:33,527 --> 00:06:38,432
Never be rude to an Irishman
76
00:06:38,832 --> 00:06:44,772
No matter what you do
77
00:06:45,806 --> 00:06:51,445
Never pull fun at a nigger
78
00:06:51,645 --> 00:06:55,916
A Spic or a Wop or a Kraut
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00:06:57,751 --> 00:06:59,920
And never poke--
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00:07:16,236 --> 00:07:18,906
Michelangelo to see you,
your Holiness.
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00:07:19,540 --> 00:07:20,574
Who?
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00:07:21,575 --> 00:07:22,810
Michelangelo,
the famous renaissance artist
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00:07:22,843 --> 00:07:24,111
whose best known works include
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00:07:24,144 --> 00:07:25,779
the ceiling
of the Sistine Chapel,
85
00:07:25,813 --> 00:07:27,648
and the celebrated
statue of David.
86
00:07:27,681 --> 00:07:28,716
Very well.
87
00:07:28,982 --> 00:07:31,051
In 1514,
he returned to Florence and--
88
00:07:31,084 --> 00:07:32,252
All right, that's enough,
that's enough,
89
00:07:32,284 --> 00:07:33,521
they've got it now!
90
00:07:37,758 --> 00:07:40,093
-Good evening, your Holiness.
-Evening, Michelangelo.
91
00:07:40,127 --> 00:07:42,763
I want to have a word with you
about this painting of yours,
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00:07:42,796 --> 00:07:44,197
"The Last Supper."
93
00:07:44,832 --> 00:07:47,034
-Oh, yeah?
-I'm not happy about it.
94
00:07:47,768 --> 00:07:49,837
Oh, dear. It took me hours.
95
00:07:50,137 --> 00:07:52,005
Not happy at all.
96
00:07:52,305 --> 00:07:54,041
Is it the Jell-O you don't like?
97
00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:55,943
No.
98
00:07:56,909 --> 00:07:57,645
Now they do add a bit of color,
don't they?
99
00:07:58,579 --> 00:07:59,479
Oh, I know,
you don't like the kangaroo?
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00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:02,883
-What kangaroo?
-No problem, I'll paint him out.
101
00:08:02,916 --> 00:08:04,084
I never saw a kangaroo!
102
00:08:04,685 --> 00:08:06,286
He's right in the back.
I'll paint him out!
103
00:08:06,319 --> 00:08:08,488
No sweat,
I'll make him into a disciple.
104
00:08:11,825 --> 00:08:13,761
-All right?
-That's the problem.
105
00:08:14,227 --> 00:08:16,196
-What is?
-The disciples.
106
00:08:17,197 --> 00:08:18,231
Are they too Jewish?
107
00:08:20,300 --> 00:08:22,169
I made Judas the most Jewish.
108
00:08:22,803 --> 00:08:25,138
No, it's just that
there are 28 of them.
109
00:08:27,074 --> 00:08:28,809
Oh, well, another one
will never matter,
110
00:08:28,842 --> 00:08:30,110
I'll make the kangaroo
into another one.
111
00:08:30,143 --> 00:08:31,679
No, that's not the point.
112
00:08:31,712 --> 00:08:33,113
All right.
Well, I'll lose the kangaroo.
113
00:08:33,145 --> 00:08:34,948
Be honest, I wasn't
perfectly happy with it.
114
00:08:34,982 --> 00:08:38,085
That's not the point.
There are 28 disciples!
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00:08:38,919 --> 00:08:41,087
-Too many?
-Well, of course it's too many!
116
00:08:41,688 --> 00:08:42,722
Yeah, I know that,
117
00:08:42,990 --> 00:08:43,924
but I wanted
to give the impression
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00:08:45,192 --> 00:08:47,628
of a real last supper, you know?
Not just any old last supper.
119
00:08:47,661 --> 00:08:49,997
Not like a last meal
or a final snack.
120
00:08:50,363 --> 00:08:51,932
But, you know,
I wanted to give the impression
121
00:08:51,965 --> 00:08:54,267
of a real mother of a blow-out,
you know?
122
00:08:55,969 --> 00:08:59,539
There were only 12 disciples
at the last supper.
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00:08:59,707 --> 00:09:01,975
Well, maybe some of the
other ones came along after--
124
00:09:02,009 --> 00:09:03,577
There were only 12 altogether.
125
00:09:03,777 --> 00:09:05,746
Well, maybe some of their
friends came by, you know?
126
00:09:05,779 --> 00:09:08,048
Look!
There were just 12 disciples
127
00:09:08,081 --> 00:09:12,019
and our Lord at the last supper.
The Bible clearly says so.
128
00:09:12,620 --> 00:09:14,154
-No friends?
-No friends.
129
00:09:14,988 --> 00:09:16,556
-Waiters?
-No.
130
00:09:17,357 --> 00:09:18,959
-Cabaret?
-No!
131
00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:21,862
You see, I like them, they
help to flesh out the scene,
132
00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:23,030
-I could lose a few--
-Look!
133
00:09:23,063 --> 00:09:25,833
There were only 12 disciples--
134
00:09:25,866 --> 00:09:28,068
I've got it! I've got it!
135
00:09:28,902 --> 00:09:31,839
We'll call it
"The Last But One Supper"!
136
00:09:32,372 --> 00:09:33,641
What?
137
00:09:34,775 --> 00:09:35,843
Well there must have been one,
if there was a last one,
138
00:09:35,876 --> 00:09:37,678
there must have been
a one before that, so this...
139
00:09:38,211 --> 00:09:40,180
is the "Penultimate Supper"!
140
00:09:40,748 --> 00:09:41,849
The Bible doesn't say
141
00:09:42,215 --> 00:09:43,617
how many people were there,
now, does it?
142
00:09:43,651 --> 00:09:44,885
-No--
-Well there you are, then!
143
00:09:45,152 --> 00:09:47,621
Look! The last supper
is a significant event
144
00:09:47,655 --> 00:09:50,257
in the life of our Lord,
the penultimate supper was not!
145
00:09:51,158 --> 00:09:53,694
Even if they had a conjurer
and a mariachi band.
146
00:09:54,227 --> 00:09:56,329
Now, a last supper
I commissioned from you,
147
00:09:56,363 --> 00:09:57,931
and a last supper I want!
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00:09:58,331 --> 00:10:00,934
With 12 disciples
and one Christ!
149
00:10:02,135 --> 00:10:04,037
-One?!
-Yes, one!
150
00:10:06,073 --> 00:10:08,909
Now will you please tell me
what in God's name possessed you
151
00:10:08,942 --> 00:10:11,645
to paint this
with three Christs in it?
152
00:10:12,946 --> 00:10:15,315
-It works, mate!
-Works?
153
00:10:15,348 --> 00:10:17,651
Yeah! It looks great!
154
00:10:18,118 --> 00:10:20,187
The fat one balances
the two skinny ones.
155
00:10:20,420 --> 00:10:23,256
There was only one Redeemer!
156
00:10:23,290 --> 00:10:24,992
I know that, we all know that,
157
00:10:25,025 --> 00:10:26,626
what about a bit
of artistic license?
158
00:10:26,894 --> 00:10:28,796
Well one Messiah is what I want!
159
00:10:28,829 --> 00:10:30,163
I'll tell you what you want,
mate!
160
00:10:30,798 --> 00:10:33,066
You want a bloody photographer!
That's what you want.
161
00:10:33,266 --> 00:10:36,103
-Not a bloody creative artist--
-I'll tell you what I want!
162
00:10:36,136 --> 00:10:39,807
I want a last supper with
one Christ, 12 disciples,
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00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:42,943
no kangaroos,
no trampoline acts,
164
00:10:42,976 --> 00:10:45,946
by Thursday lunch,
or you don't get paid!
165
00:10:45,979 --> 00:10:47,247
Bloody fascist!
166
00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:50,083
Look! I'm the bloody pope, I am!
167
00:10:51,118 --> 00:10:53,653
May not know much about art,
but I know what I like!
168
00:10:56,757 --> 00:11:01,161
Never be rude to a Pollack--
169
00:11:10,503 --> 00:11:14,107
Hello, and welcome to Munich,
for the 27th Silly Olympiad,
170
00:11:14,141 --> 00:11:17,444
an event held traditionally
every 3.7 years,
171
00:11:17,477 --> 00:11:19,179
which this year
has brought together competitors
172
00:11:19,212 --> 00:11:21,815
from over four million
different countries.
173
00:11:22,015 --> 00:11:23,016
And here we are
174
00:11:24,184 --> 00:11:24,852
at the start of the first event
of the afternoon:
175
00:11:25,919 --> 00:11:26,920
the second semifinal
of the 100 yards
176
00:11:26,954 --> 00:11:28,822
for people
with no sense of direction.
177
00:11:29,056 --> 00:11:30,290
I'll just give you
the competitors:
178
00:11:31,558 --> 00:11:32,592
Lane one, Skolomovski of Poland,
lane two, Zatapatique of France,
179
00:11:32,625 --> 00:11:35,195
lane three,
Gropovich of the United States.
180
00:11:35,228 --> 00:11:36,797
Next to him,
Drabble of Trinidad.
181
00:11:36,830 --> 00:11:37,931
Next to him, Fernandez of Spain,
182
00:11:38,398 --> 00:11:40,801
and in the outside lane,
Bormann of Brazil.
183
00:11:40,834 --> 00:11:41,935
Set!
184
00:11:45,538 --> 00:11:47,340
Well, that was fun, wasn't it?
185
00:11:47,374 --> 00:11:49,476
And now, over to the other end
of the stadium.
186
00:11:49,509 --> 00:11:52,112
And here we're just waiting
for the start of the 1500 meters
187
00:11:52,145 --> 00:11:53,180
for the deaf.
188
00:11:54,247 --> 00:11:54,948
And they're under
starter's orders.
189
00:11:58,085 --> 00:11:59,987
Well, we'll be coming back
the moment there's any action.
190
00:12:00,020 --> 00:12:01,121
And now over to the swimming.
191
00:12:02,322 --> 00:12:03,590
And you join us here
at the Bundesabsurd pool
192
00:12:03,623 --> 00:12:06,426
just in time to see the start
of the 200 meters freestyle
193
00:12:06,459 --> 00:12:07,494
for non-swimmers.
194
00:12:08,728 --> 00:12:10,263
Watch for the tough Australian
champion, Ron Barnett,
195
00:12:10,297 --> 00:12:11,832
in the second lane.
196
00:12:22,175 --> 00:12:23,476
Well, we'll be bringing you
back here
197
00:12:24,677 --> 00:12:25,212
the moment they start
fishing the corpses out.
198
00:12:26,479 --> 00:12:27,047
But now over to Hans Clegg
for the start of the marathon
199
00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:28,748
for incontinents.
200
00:12:29,950 --> 00:12:31,785
Well, we've got an enormous
entry for this event.
201
00:12:31,819 --> 00:12:34,287
Forty-four competitors
from 29 different countries,
202
00:12:34,487 --> 00:12:37,224
all of them with the most
superbly weak bladders.
203
00:12:37,557 --> 00:12:39,893
Not a tight sphincter in sight.
204
00:12:39,927 --> 00:12:42,930
Ready to embark, nevertheless,
on the world's longest race,
205
00:12:42,963 --> 00:12:44,932
and they're just aching to go!
206
00:12:44,965 --> 00:12:47,467
On your marks! Get set!
207
00:12:49,069 --> 00:12:50,370
And they're off! They're off!
208
00:12:53,941 --> 00:12:55,876
Well, back at the 1500 meters
209
00:12:55,909 --> 00:12:58,245
and the starter is putting up
a magnificent show!
210
00:12:58,278 --> 00:13:01,248
We've had volleys, rapid bursts,
scattered random fire,
211
00:13:01,281 --> 00:13:02,315
fusillades firing,
212
00:13:03,583 --> 00:13:04,818
well, and still he can't
get the buggers moving.
213
00:13:04,852 --> 00:13:06,954
It's enough to make you
chew your own foot off!
214
00:13:08,055 --> 00:13:09,089
And now the high jump!
215
00:13:10,190 --> 00:13:11,291
Katerina Ovelenski
for the Soviet Union.
216
00:13:12,559 --> 00:13:15,395
But what a jump! What a jump!
That's got to be a record!
217
00:13:16,563 --> 00:13:19,532
And here we are
at the 3000 meter steeplechase
218
00:13:19,566 --> 00:13:21,234
for people who think
they're chickens!
219
00:13:21,268 --> 00:13:23,270
There's Samuelsson
of the United States,
220
00:13:23,303 --> 00:13:25,205
and over there
is Klaus of East Germany!
221
00:13:25,238 --> 00:13:27,540
He's been a Rhode Island Red now
for the last three Olympics.
222
00:13:27,574 --> 00:13:29,009
There's the referee
trying to get them going,
223
00:13:29,042 --> 00:13:30,043
but he's frightened them.
224
00:13:31,178 --> 00:13:32,145
There's the leader,
Abe Seagull of Canada
225
00:13:32,179 --> 00:13:33,313
who went off,
got a very good start,
226
00:13:33,346 --> 00:13:35,448
then settled down there
on the water jump,
227
00:13:35,482 --> 00:13:36,850
and has now gone broody.
228
00:13:38,118 --> 00:13:39,619
Now we're back with the marathon
for incontinents once again.
229
00:13:39,652 --> 00:13:41,421
There's Polinski of Poland
in the lead,
230
00:13:41,454 --> 00:13:43,991
and now Brewer of Australia
is taking over!
231
00:13:44,024 --> 00:13:45,058
There's Laparche of France.
232
00:13:46,293 --> 00:13:47,094
Brewer has overtaken him,
but he's going to spend a penny.
233
00:13:48,161 --> 00:13:48,195
There goes Brewer
to spend a penny.
234
00:13:48,962 --> 00:13:49,629
And there goes König of Austria.
235
00:13:49,662 --> 00:13:51,564
And so now it's Alvarez of Cuba,
236
00:13:51,598 --> 00:13:53,867
followed by
the plucky Norwegian, Bors.
237
00:13:53,901 --> 00:13:55,302
They're in and out like yo-yos,
these boys.
238
00:13:56,603 --> 00:13:57,204
And there's MacNaughton.
MacNaughton the Scottish lad,
239
00:13:57,237 --> 00:13:58,405
but he can't hold it.
240
00:13:59,539 --> 00:14:00,373
It's Machievic,
Machievic of Yugoslavia
241
00:14:01,508 --> 00:14:02,009
has taken over;
he can't hold it either.
242
00:14:03,243 --> 00:14:04,244
Well, well, these must be
some of the weakest bladders
243
00:14:04,277 --> 00:14:06,046
ever to represent
their countries!
244
00:14:06,079 --> 00:14:07,380
And now, let's have a look back
245
00:14:07,414 --> 00:14:09,316
at what's going on
down on stage!
246
00:14:21,494 --> 00:14:23,130
Good evening, ladies and Bruces!
247
00:14:24,331 --> 00:14:25,598
-Hello, Bruce.
-G'day, Bruce.
248
00:14:26,033 --> 00:14:27,935
-How are ya, Bruce?
-What's all this lot, Bruce?
249
00:14:28,235 --> 00:14:30,904
It's very nice to be here at
the Hollywood Bowl this evening!
250
00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:35,542
We're all philosophy professors
251
00:14:35,575 --> 00:14:38,045
from the University
of Woolamaloa, Australia!
252
00:14:38,511 --> 00:14:43,216
Australia, Australia, Australia!
God love ya!
253
00:14:43,450 --> 00:14:45,452
I teach Hegelian philosophy,
254
00:14:45,485 --> 00:14:48,121
Bruce here
teaches Aristotelian philosophy,
255
00:14:48,355 --> 00:14:50,423
and Bruce here
is in charge of the sheep dip.
256
00:14:52,225 --> 00:14:53,660
Bloody difficult work,
I tell ya!
257
00:14:53,693 --> 00:14:55,195
I'll tell you what,
it's thirsty work
258
00:14:55,228 --> 00:14:56,429
watching this kind of humor,
Bruce.
259
00:14:57,664 --> 00:14:58,431
Why don't you stick out a few
of these little free samples
260
00:14:59,499 --> 00:14:59,967
-from your Esky and leave--
-What, give these...
261
00:15:00,934 --> 00:15:01,268
Give these Americans
our precious cans of--
262
00:15:02,269 --> 00:15:03,670
See how awful they are,
grasping and go-getting.
263
00:15:03,703 --> 00:15:05,238
Okay, one over there.
264
00:15:05,705 --> 00:15:08,108
You can feel morally superior
and smug.
265
00:15:08,141 --> 00:15:10,010
Right, there's one coming
right over there.
266
00:15:10,043 --> 00:15:11,078
Mind out, Charlies!
267
00:15:11,311 --> 00:15:13,280
A big one, one big one,
there we go!
268
00:15:13,713 --> 00:15:17,317
All right! Now, the reason
we do this, ladies and Bruces,
269
00:15:17,350 --> 00:15:21,188
is frankly over here
we find your American beer
270
00:15:21,221 --> 00:15:23,390
is a little like making love
in a canoe!
271
00:15:25,292 --> 00:15:26,659
Making love in a canoe?
272
00:15:27,060 --> 00:15:28,928
It's fucking close to water!
273
00:15:29,662 --> 00:15:30,663
Piss!
274
00:15:34,034 --> 00:15:36,469
Well now, we're going to try
and raise the tone a little here
275
00:15:36,503 --> 00:15:38,405
by singing
a nice intellectual song
276
00:15:38,438 --> 00:15:40,240
for those two or three of you
in the audience...
277
00:15:40,273 --> 00:15:41,308
Right!
278
00:15:42,309 --> 00:15:43,676
...who understand these things.
So, here we go!
279
00:15:44,911 --> 00:15:49,949
Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
who was very rarely stable
280
00:15:50,217 --> 00:15:52,419
Heidegger, Heidegger
was a boozy beggar
281
00:15:52,452 --> 00:15:54,421
Who could drink you
under the table
282
00:15:54,754 --> 00:15:58,958
David Hume could out-consume
Schopenhauer and Hegel
283
00:15:59,126 --> 00:16:01,361
And Wittgenstein
was a beery swine
284
00:16:01,394 --> 00:16:03,396
Who was just as sloshed
as Schlegel
285
00:16:04,264 --> 00:16:07,200
There's nothing Nietszche
couldn't teach ya
286
00:16:07,234 --> 00:16:10,170
'Bout the raising of the wrist
287
00:16:10,603 --> 00:16:16,143
Socrates himself
was permanently pissed
288
00:16:16,176 --> 00:16:17,477
Just a...
289
00:16:18,045 --> 00:16:19,279
How do you like that? All right!
290
00:16:20,413 --> 00:16:21,248
Let's hold it a second.
I can see some of these Bruces
291
00:16:21,281 --> 00:16:23,416
are in a bit of a playful mood
tonight.
292
00:16:23,450 --> 00:16:25,318
-Right, Bruce?
-Some of them, yeah.
293
00:16:25,352 --> 00:16:27,554
Some of the ones that don't have
straws up their nose.
294
00:16:28,455 --> 00:16:30,757
Anyway, why don't we
do something rather fun?
295
00:16:30,790 --> 00:16:33,526
Why don't we get some of these
guys to sing along with us, OK?
296
00:16:33,560 --> 00:16:35,162
And some of the Shielas, too.
297
00:16:36,229 --> 00:16:37,230
Tell them the words then,
please.
298
00:16:37,530 --> 00:16:39,332
OK,
I've got the words somewhere.
299
00:16:39,366 --> 00:16:40,433
Right. Ready!
300
00:16:41,601 --> 00:16:46,606
Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
who was very rarely stable
301
00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:49,276
Heidegger, Heidegger
was a boozy...
302
00:16:49,309 --> 00:16:51,010
They're a typical
Hollywood audience!
303
00:16:51,811 --> 00:16:53,213
All the kids are on drugs,
304
00:16:53,413 --> 00:16:54,747
and all the adults
are on roller skates!
305
00:16:55,148 --> 00:16:56,183
Why not?
306
00:16:56,683 --> 00:16:58,485
Very philosophical, Bruce,
I like it.
307
00:16:58,518 --> 00:17:00,353
Have we got any...
have we got anything bigger
308
00:17:00,387 --> 00:17:02,722
to put the words up for these
rather short-sighted people?
309
00:17:07,493 --> 00:17:09,561
This is Bruce
from the Biology Department.
310
00:17:10,097 --> 00:17:13,633
All right. Okay, here we go.
311
00:18:35,615 --> 00:18:37,384
Good morning. I'm sorry
to have kept you waiting,
312
00:18:37,417 --> 00:18:39,919
but I'm afraid my walk has
become rather sillier recently,
313
00:18:39,952 --> 00:18:42,789
so it takes me longer
to get to the office.
314
00:18:43,823 --> 00:18:45,625
Now, what was it again?
315
00:18:46,359 --> 00:18:49,162
Well sir, I-I-I-I have got
a silly walk
316
00:18:49,429 --> 00:18:51,364
and I'd like to obtain
government backing
317
00:18:51,398 --> 00:18:52,432
to help me develop it.
318
00:18:53,500 --> 00:18:55,702
I see. Well, may I see
this silly walk of yours?
319
00:18:55,735 --> 00:18:56,803
Yes, certainly.
320
00:19:20,327 --> 00:19:22,695
Yes, I see,
tha-tha-that's it, is it?
321
00:19:22,729 --> 00:19:23,863
Well, yes, that's it.
322
00:19:24,931 --> 00:19:27,800
Yes, yes, yes. It's not
particularly silly, is it?
323
00:19:28,668 --> 00:19:30,670
I mean, the left leg isn't silly
at all and the right leg
324
00:19:30,703 --> 00:19:32,872
merely does a forward
aerial O'Brien half turn
325
00:19:32,905 --> 00:19:34,307
every alternate step.
326
00:19:34,641 --> 00:19:36,543
Yes, but I feel
with a federal grant,
327
00:19:36,576 --> 00:19:38,345
I could make it
a lot more silly.
328
00:19:38,378 --> 00:19:41,748
Mr. Stagback, the very real
problem is one of finance.
329
00:19:41,781 --> 00:19:44,584
You see, there's defense,
education, housing, health,
330
00:19:44,617 --> 00:19:46,219
social security, silly walks.
331
00:19:46,253 --> 00:19:47,654
They're all supposed
to get the same.
332
00:19:47,954 --> 00:19:50,357
But last year, the government
spent less on Silly Walks
333
00:19:50,390 --> 00:19:52,559
than they did
on industrial reorganization.
334
00:19:52,759 --> 00:19:56,629
We're supposed to get
348 million pounds a year
335
00:19:56,663 --> 00:19:59,699
to cover our entire
Silly Walks program.
336
00:20:00,032 --> 00:20:01,601
-Coffee?
-Yes, please.
337
00:20:08,608 --> 00:20:12,745
Hello, Mrs. Twolumps... Could we
have two cups of coffee, please?
338
00:20:12,779 --> 00:20:14,213
Yes, Mr. Teabag.
339
00:20:14,447 --> 00:20:15,548
Mad as a hatter.
340
00:20:15,848 --> 00:20:17,850
You see, the Israelis
already have a man
341
00:20:17,884 --> 00:20:19,886
who can take his own
left leg off and swallow it
342
00:20:19,919 --> 00:20:22,989
with every alternate step.
Whereas the Japanese,
343
00:20:23,022 --> 00:20:25,392
cunning, electronically obsessed
little...
344
00:20:30,029 --> 00:20:31,631
Yes, thank you, Mrs. Twolumps.
345
00:20:34,867 --> 00:20:37,236
You're... you're really
interested in silly walks,
346
00:20:37,404 --> 00:20:38,871
-aren't you?
-Rather!
347
00:20:39,071 --> 00:20:41,708
Right, well,
take a look at this!
348
00:21:34,827 --> 00:21:37,497
Oh, I've had a bitch of
a morning in the high court!
349
00:21:38,665 --> 00:21:40,933
Oh, I could stamp
my little feet,
350
00:21:40,967 --> 00:21:42,635
the way those counsellors
carry on.
351
00:21:42,669 --> 00:21:44,003
Oh, don't I know it, love.
352
00:21:44,036 --> 00:21:47,640
Oh, dear, objection here,
objection there.
353
00:21:48,074 --> 00:21:50,843
And that nice policeman
giving his evidence so well!
354
00:21:51,678 --> 00:21:52,845
Beautiful speaking voice.
355
00:21:53,079 --> 00:21:54,347
And what a body!
356
00:21:56,549 --> 00:21:59,752
Well, after a bit all I could do
was bang me gavel.
357
00:22:00,987 --> 00:22:03,089
-You what, love?
-I banged me gavel!
358
00:22:03,122 --> 00:22:04,657
-Oh, get away!
-I did!
359
00:22:06,459 --> 00:22:08,395
I did my "silence in court" bit.
360
00:22:08,928 --> 00:22:09,962
If looks could have killed,
361
00:22:11,097 --> 00:22:12,632
that prosecuting counsel
would have been in for 30 years.
362
00:22:13,533 --> 00:22:15,034
How did your summing-up go?
363
00:22:15,768 --> 00:22:16,869
Actually...
364
00:22:22,709 --> 00:22:24,343
I did my butch voice,
you know,
365
00:22:24,544 --> 00:22:27,447
"what the jury must understand",
and they loved it!
366
00:22:27,947 --> 00:22:30,617
I could see that little
curly-headed foreman of the jury
367
00:22:30,650 --> 00:22:31,718
-eyeing me!
-Really?
368
00:22:31,918 --> 00:22:33,453
Oh, yeah. Cheeky devil!
369
00:22:33,853 --> 00:22:36,456
I finished up with--
I got really strict:
370
00:22:36,989 --> 00:22:38,725
"The actions
of these vicious men
371
00:22:38,925 --> 00:22:41,594
are a violent stain
upon the community,
372
00:22:42,061 --> 00:22:43,830
and the full penalty of the law
373
00:22:44,431 --> 00:22:47,366
is scarcely sufficient to deal
with their ghastly crimes!"
374
00:22:47,634 --> 00:22:49,001
And I waggled me wig!
375
00:22:49,769 --> 00:22:51,438
-You waggled you what?
-I waggled me wig!
376
00:22:51,471 --> 00:22:52,505
Really?
377
00:22:52,705 --> 00:22:53,673
That was the only thing
I waggled.
378
00:22:53,940 --> 00:22:55,942
Ever so slightly,
stunning effect.
379
00:22:56,443 --> 00:22:58,578
Anyway, I gave him three years.
He only took ten minutes.
380
00:23:00,112 --> 00:23:02,882
Well, as I said to Melvin Belly
the other day, you know:
381
00:23:03,182 --> 00:23:04,984
"You can put it in the hand
of your attorneys,
382
00:23:05,017 --> 00:23:06,786
but it'll never stand up
in court!"
383
00:23:06,819 --> 00:23:07,920
Oh, I know what you mean.
384
00:24:28,200 --> 00:24:31,571
Good evening.
Tonight on World Forum
385
00:24:31,604 --> 00:24:35,141
we are deeply privileged
to have with us Karl Marx,
386
00:24:35,775 --> 00:24:37,143
the founder of modern socialism
387
00:24:37,176 --> 00:24:39,178
and author of
the Communist Manifesto;
388
00:24:41,748 --> 00:24:43,716
Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov,
389
00:24:43,750 --> 00:24:45,217
better known to the world
as Lenin,
390
00:24:45,818 --> 00:24:47,687
leader of the
Russian Revolution,
391
00:24:47,887 --> 00:24:50,590
writer, statesman,
and father of modern socialism;
392
00:24:51,290 --> 00:24:53,893
Che Guevara,
the Bolivian guerilla leader;
393
00:24:55,762 --> 00:24:57,029
and Mao Tse-tung,
394
00:24:57,296 --> 00:25:00,700
chairman of the Chinese
Communist Party since 1949.
395
00:25:02,802 --> 00:25:05,638
And the first question
is for you, Karl Marx.
396
00:25:06,973 --> 00:25:08,007
"The Hammers."
397
00:25:09,275 --> 00:25:11,878
"The Hammers" is the nickname
of what English football team?
398
00:25:18,718 --> 00:25:19,852
"The Hammers."
399
00:25:21,053 --> 00:25:24,724
No? Well, bad luck, Karl.
It is, in fact, West Ham United.
400
00:25:25,925 --> 00:25:28,761
Now, Che Guevara. Che.
401
00:25:30,062 --> 00:25:31,130
Coventry City
402
00:25:32,164 --> 00:25:34,000
last won the English
Football Cup in what year?
403
00:25:38,805 --> 00:25:40,172
No?
I can throw the question open.
404
00:25:40,206 --> 00:25:41,207
Anybody else?
405
00:25:42,208 --> 00:25:43,776
Coventry City last won
the English Football Cup
406
00:25:44,176 --> 00:25:45,177
in what year?
407
00:25:46,245 --> 00:25:48,280
No, well, I'm not surprised
you didn't get that.
408
00:25:48,314 --> 00:25:49,882
It is in fact a trick question.
409
00:25:50,116 --> 00:25:52,885
Coventry City have never won
the English Football Cup.
410
00:25:55,321 --> 00:25:58,290
So now with the scores all even,
it's on to Round two,
411
00:25:58,324 --> 00:26:00,827
and Lenin, your starter
for ten dollars...
412
00:26:03,262 --> 00:26:04,563
Jerry Lee Lewis
413
00:26:05,765 --> 00:26:08,200
has had over 17 major solid
gold hits in the U.S. of A.
414
00:26:09,301 --> 00:26:10,737
What's the name of the biggest?
415
00:26:14,774 --> 00:26:17,644
Jerry Lee Lewis'
solid gold biggie?
416
00:26:19,111 --> 00:26:20,112
No?
417
00:26:21,080 --> 00:26:24,383
-Yes, Mao Tse-tung?
-"Great Balls of Fire"?
418
00:26:24,416 --> 00:26:25,985
Yes, it was indeed!
419
00:26:30,823 --> 00:26:31,858
Very well challenged.
420
00:26:32,792 --> 00:26:33,592
Well, now we come on
to our third round.
421
00:26:33,626 --> 00:26:36,228
Our contestant tonight
is Karl Marx
422
00:26:36,863 --> 00:26:41,000
and our special prize
is this beautiful lounge suite!
423
00:26:43,402 --> 00:26:45,638
Karl has elected
to answer questions
424
00:26:45,672 --> 00:26:47,774
on workers'
control of factories,
425
00:26:47,807 --> 00:26:50,943
so here we go with question
number one. You, nervous, Karl?
426
00:26:51,277 --> 00:26:52,278
Just a little.
427
00:26:52,679 --> 00:26:53,746
Well never mind, Karl,
have a go!
428
00:26:54,747 --> 00:26:57,784
The development
of the industrial proletariat
429
00:26:57,984 --> 00:27:00,319
is conditioned by
what other development?
430
00:27:00,687 --> 00:27:03,422
The development
of the industrial bourgeoisie.
431
00:27:03,455 --> 00:27:05,725
Good! Yes, it is indeed!
Well done, Karl!
432
00:27:06,425 --> 00:27:08,260
You're on your way
to a lounge suite!
433
00:27:09,428 --> 00:27:10,830
Now Karl, number two.
434
00:27:12,031 --> 00:27:16,703
The struggle of class against
class is a what struggle?
435
00:27:17,069 --> 00:27:20,306
-A political struggle.
-Good! Yes, it is indeed.
436
00:27:22,008 --> 00:27:23,910
Well done, Karl!
One final question,
437
00:27:23,943 --> 00:27:26,378
and that beautiful
non-materialistic lounge suite
438
00:27:26,746 --> 00:27:27,814
will be yours!
439
00:27:28,915 --> 00:27:31,383
Ready, Karl? You're a brave man.
Your final question:
440
00:27:32,451 --> 00:27:35,788
Who won the English Football Cup
in 1949?
441
00:27:37,156 --> 00:27:39,091
The workers control
the means of production?
442
00:27:39,125 --> 00:27:41,360
The struggle
of the urban proletariat?
443
00:27:41,393 --> 00:27:43,195
No, it was
Wolverhampton Wanderers
444
00:27:43,229 --> 00:27:45,064
who beat Leicester 3-1.
445
00:27:45,264 --> 00:27:46,332
Oh, shit!
446
00:27:48,134 --> 00:27:49,335
Get out of here!
447
00:27:51,470 --> 00:27:54,373
Well, no one leaves this show
empty-handed,
448
00:27:54,807 --> 00:27:56,342
so we're gonna
cut off his hands.
449
00:27:58,477 --> 00:28:00,446
Well, now,
it's talent-spotting time,
450
00:28:00,479 --> 00:28:01,680
ladies and gentlemen,
451
00:28:02,614 --> 00:28:04,083
and please see if you can spot
any talent
452
00:28:04,116 --> 00:28:05,284
in our next competitors.
453
00:28:06,485 --> 00:28:08,254
Will you please give a very
big hand and a warm welcome
454
00:28:08,287 --> 00:28:11,891
to Carl Weetabix and Rita!
455
00:28:18,965 --> 00:28:22,134
I'm the urban spaceman, baby,
I've got speed
456
00:28:22,501 --> 00:28:25,137
I've got everything I need
457
00:28:26,338 --> 00:28:29,776
I'm the urban spaceman, baby,
I can fly
458
00:28:29,809 --> 00:28:32,478
I'm a supersonic guy
459
00:28:33,445 --> 00:28:37,016
I don't need pleasure,
I don't feel pain
460
00:28:37,516 --> 00:28:40,787
If you were to knock me down,
I'd just get up again
461
00:28:41,387 --> 00:28:44,757
I'm the urban spaceman, baby,
I'm making out
462
00:28:45,191 --> 00:28:47,493
I'm all about
463
00:28:48,527 --> 00:28:52,164
I wake up every morning
with a smile upon my face
464
00:28:52,364 --> 00:28:55,935
My natural exuberance
spills out all over the place
465
00:28:56,335 --> 00:28:59,471
I'm the urban spaceman,
I'm intelligent and clean
466
00:29:00,106 --> 00:29:02,374
Know what I mean?
467
00:29:03,876 --> 00:29:06,913
I'm the urban spaceman,
as a lover, second to none
468
00:29:07,446 --> 00:29:09,816
It's a lot of fun
469
00:29:10,950 --> 00:29:14,253
I never let my friends down,
I could have made a boob
470
00:29:14,954 --> 00:29:18,224
I'm a glossy magazine,
an advert on the tube
471
00:29:18,590 --> 00:29:21,894
I'm the urban spaceman, baby,
here comes the twist
472
00:29:22,394 --> 00:29:24,831
I don't exist
473
00:29:55,094 --> 00:29:57,163
-Mr. Hilton?
-Yes.
474
00:29:57,196 --> 00:29:59,198
You are sole proprietor
and owner
475
00:29:59,231 --> 00:30:00,799
of the Whizzo Chocolate Company?
476
00:30:01,267 --> 00:30:02,301
I am.
477
00:30:05,537 --> 00:30:08,374
Constable Parrot and I
are from the Hygiene Squad...
478
00:30:08,407 --> 00:30:09,375
Oh, yes.
479
00:30:10,242 --> 00:30:10,809
...and we'd like to have
a word with you
480
00:30:11,643 --> 00:30:12,311
about your box of chocolates
entitled
481
00:30:12,344 --> 00:30:14,180
"The Whizzo Quality Assortment."
482
00:30:14,213 --> 00:30:15,381
Good, yes.
483
00:30:15,414 --> 00:30:16,815
If I may begin at the beginning.
484
00:30:17,183 --> 00:30:19,451
First, there is
the Cherry Fondue.
485
00:30:20,019 --> 00:30:22,121
Now this is extremely nasty,
486
00:30:23,222 --> 00:30:24,891
but we can't prosecute you
for that!
487
00:30:25,091 --> 00:30:26,125
Agreed.
488
00:30:27,059 --> 00:30:29,495
Next we have number four,
"Crunchy Frog."
489
00:30:29,962 --> 00:30:31,163
Yes.
490
00:30:32,264 --> 00:30:34,400
Am I right in thinking
there's a real frog in here?
491
00:30:34,633 --> 00:30:35,935
Yes, a little one.
492
00:30:36,435 --> 00:30:38,337
-Is it cooked?
-No.
493
00:30:38,637 --> 00:30:40,106
What, a raw frog?
494
00:30:40,406 --> 00:30:43,275
We use only
the finest baby frogs,
495
00:30:43,309 --> 00:30:45,544
dew picked and flown from Iraq,
496
00:30:45,577 --> 00:30:48,847
cleansed in the finest quality
spring water, lightly killed,
497
00:30:49,081 --> 00:30:51,483
and sealed in a succulent
Swiss quintuple-smooth
498
00:30:51,517 --> 00:30:53,552
full-cream treble
milk chocolate envelope,
499
00:30:53,585 --> 00:30:56,188
and lovingly frosted
with glucose!
500
00:30:56,522 --> 00:30:59,391
That's as may be,
but it's still a frog!
501
00:30:59,425 --> 00:31:00,526
What else would it be?
502
00:31:01,060 --> 00:31:02,962
Well, don't you even
take the bones out?
503
00:31:03,629 --> 00:31:04,863
If we took the bones out,
504
00:31:05,031 --> 00:31:06,165
it wouldn't be crunchy,
would it?
505
00:31:10,002 --> 00:31:12,171
Constable Parrot
ate one of those!
506
00:31:12,671 --> 00:31:14,073
Would you excuse me
for a moment, sir?
507
00:31:14,273 --> 00:31:15,274
Yes.
508
00:31:16,242 --> 00:31:18,277
Well, it says "Crunchy Frog"
quite clearly.
509
00:31:18,477 --> 00:31:19,578
Well, never mind that.
510
00:31:20,779 --> 00:31:22,281
We have to protect the public.
People aren't going to think
511
00:31:22,314 --> 00:31:23,950
there's a real frog
in chocolate.
512
00:31:24,150 --> 00:31:26,452
The superintendent
thought it was an Almond Whirl.
513
00:31:26,652 --> 00:31:29,221
They're bound to think
it's some kind of mock frog.
514
00:31:29,555 --> 00:31:30,622
Mock frog?!
515
00:31:31,657 --> 00:31:33,559
We use no artificial
preservatives or additives
516
00:31:33,592 --> 00:31:34,593
of any kind!
517
00:31:35,527 --> 00:31:36,328
Nevertheless,
I advise you to in future
518
00:31:36,362 --> 00:31:38,530
to replace the words
"Crunchy Frog"
519
00:31:38,564 --> 00:31:42,534
with the legend "Crunchy, raw,
unboned, real, dead frog"
520
00:31:43,369 --> 00:31:45,237
if you want to avoid
prosecution.
521
00:31:45,571 --> 00:31:46,638
What about our sales?
522
00:31:47,073 --> 00:31:48,474
I don't give a damn
about your sales.
523
00:31:48,507 --> 00:31:49,508
We have to protect the public!
524
00:31:49,741 --> 00:31:51,110
Now, what was this one?
Number five.
525
00:31:51,143 --> 00:31:52,411
It was number five, wasn't it?
526
00:31:53,212 --> 00:31:56,348
Number five:
"Ram's Bladder Cup!"
527
00:32:01,487 --> 00:32:03,622
Now what kind of confection
is this?
528
00:32:03,990 --> 00:32:08,160
We use choicest juicy chunks
of fresh Cornish ram's bladder,
529
00:32:08,360 --> 00:32:11,663
emptied, steamed,
flavored with sesame seeds,
530
00:32:11,697 --> 00:32:14,666
whipped into a fondue,
and garnished with larks' vomit!
531
00:32:15,101 --> 00:32:17,436
-Larks' vomit?
-Correct.
532
00:32:18,237 --> 00:32:21,373
It doesn't say anything
down here about larks' vomit!
533
00:32:21,673 --> 00:32:22,674
Yes, it does.
534
00:32:23,842 --> 00:32:25,411
On the bottom of the box,
after monosodium glutamate.
535
00:32:27,279 --> 00:32:29,148
I hardly think
this is good enough!
536
00:32:29,381 --> 00:32:32,551
It would be more appropriate
if the box bore a big red label.
537
00:32:32,584 --> 00:32:34,086
"Warning: Larks' Vomit!"
538
00:32:35,187 --> 00:32:36,422
Our sales would plummet!
539
00:32:36,788 --> 00:32:38,124
Well, why don't you move into
540
00:32:38,357 --> 00:32:40,092
more conventional areas
of confectionery,
541
00:32:40,126 --> 00:32:42,394
like praline or lime cream,
542
00:32:42,428 --> 00:32:44,263
a very popular flavor
I'm led to understand,
543
00:32:44,296 --> 00:32:45,331
or Strawberry Delight?
544
00:32:45,764 --> 00:32:47,199
I mean, what's this one?
545
00:32:47,233 --> 00:32:48,700
"Cockroach Cluster"?
546
00:32:50,402 --> 00:32:52,604
And this, "Anthrax Ripple"?
547
00:33:12,791 --> 00:33:15,427
And what's this one,
"Spring Surprise"?
548
00:33:15,661 --> 00:33:17,563
Ah, that's our specialty!
549
00:33:17,763 --> 00:33:20,299
Covered in darkest,
velvety smooth chocolate,
550
00:33:20,332 --> 00:33:23,435
when you pop it into your mouth,
stainless steel bolts spring out
551
00:33:23,469 --> 00:33:25,271
and punch straight through
both cheeks!
552
00:33:29,075 --> 00:33:31,510
If people pop a nice choccy
in their mouth,
553
00:33:31,543 --> 00:33:33,579
they don't expect
to get their cheeks pierced!
554
00:33:34,680 --> 00:33:38,016
In any case, it is an inadequate
description of the sweetmeat!
555
00:33:38,617 --> 00:33:40,786
I shall have to ask you
to accompany me to the station.
556
00:33:40,819 --> 00:33:43,222
-It's a fair cop.
-And don't talk to the audience!
557
00:34:10,449 --> 00:34:11,617
Albatross!
558
00:34:15,387 --> 00:34:16,688
Albatross!
559
00:34:24,396 --> 00:34:26,632
You're not supposed
to be smoking that!
560
00:34:29,301 --> 00:34:31,570
Albatross! Don't take them!
561
00:34:31,603 --> 00:34:34,273
What flavor is it?
What flavor is it?
562
00:34:34,473 --> 00:34:35,774
Seagullsickle!
563
00:34:38,310 --> 00:34:39,710
Pelican-bonbon!
564
00:34:42,181 --> 00:34:43,315
Albatross!
565
00:34:44,416 --> 00:34:46,385
Could I have... Could I have
two ice creams, please?
566
00:34:46,418 --> 00:34:49,087
I haven't got any ice creams,
I just got this albatross!
567
00:34:49,321 --> 00:34:52,391
-Albatross!
-What flavor is it?
568
00:34:54,159 --> 00:34:55,726
Well, it's an albatross,
isn't it?
569
00:34:55,761 --> 00:34:57,829
It's not any bloody flavor!
570
00:34:58,464 --> 00:34:59,665
Albatross!
571
00:35:00,899 --> 00:35:01,533
There's gotta be some flavor,
I mean everything's got a--
572
00:35:02,668 --> 00:35:04,703
All right, all right!
It's bloody albatross flavor!
573
00:35:05,737 --> 00:35:10,242
Bleedin' seabird,
bleedin' flavor! Albatross!
574
00:35:11,243 --> 00:35:12,278
Do you get wafers with it?
575
00:35:13,479 --> 00:35:15,147
Of course you don't get fucking
wafers with it, you cunt!
576
00:35:15,447 --> 00:35:17,216
It's a fucking albatross,
I mean...
577
00:35:17,416 --> 00:35:20,586
Stop that!
Stop that! It's filthy!
578
00:35:21,753 --> 00:35:23,689
Hold on! Right now, we need you!
579
00:35:23,922 --> 00:35:26,725
The one in the black, we need
you for another skit on stage.
580
00:35:26,758 --> 00:35:28,827
And you, get off! You're not
even a proper woman!
581
00:35:29,461 --> 00:35:30,596
Don't you oppress me, mate!
582
00:35:31,263 --> 00:35:33,432
What are you trying to do?
Avoid registration or something?
583
00:35:33,632 --> 00:35:34,866
Bleedin' sexist!
584
00:35:35,334 --> 00:35:36,735
Come along,
we need you for a skit!
585
00:35:38,604 --> 00:35:40,672
No one enjoys a good laugh
more than I do.
586
00:35:40,872 --> 00:35:43,509
Except perhaps for my wife
and some of her friends.
587
00:35:44,210 --> 00:35:46,278
Oh, yes, and Captain Johnson.
Come to think of it,
588
00:35:46,312 --> 00:35:47,946
most people enjoy a good laugh
more than I do,
589
00:35:47,979 --> 00:35:49,481
but that's beside the point.
Right!
590
00:35:49,515 --> 00:35:50,316
Let's get on with this skit!
591
00:35:50,816 --> 00:35:52,184
Where's the other person
for this skit?
592
00:35:52,884 --> 00:35:54,486
Right,
you want to sit in that chair?
593
00:35:55,754 --> 00:35:59,625
And cue the skit!
594
00:35:59,958 --> 00:36:02,828
-Evening, squire!
-Good evening.
595
00:36:06,965 --> 00:36:09,201
Is your... is your wife a goer?
596
00:36:09,235 --> 00:36:10,469
Eh? Know what I mean?
Know what I mean?
597
00:36:10,669 --> 00:36:12,371
Nudge, nudge! Know what I mean?
Say no more!
598
00:36:15,607 --> 00:36:17,209
I... I beg your pardon?
599
00:36:17,476 --> 00:36:20,246
Your... your wife.
Does she go, eh?
600
00:36:20,279 --> 00:36:21,547
Does she go, eh? Eh?
601
00:36:21,913 --> 00:36:24,283
Well, she sometimes has to go,
yes, of course.
602
00:36:25,584 --> 00:36:27,686
I bet she does! I bet she does!
603
00:36:27,719 --> 00:36:29,255
Say no more!
Say no more!
604
00:36:29,288 --> 00:36:30,489
Know what I mean? Nudge, nudge!
605
00:36:31,690 --> 00:36:33,191
I'm afraid
I don't quite follow you.
606
00:36:34,426 --> 00:36:36,194
Oh, "follow me, follow me"?
That's good, that's very good!
607
00:36:36,495 --> 00:36:38,930
A nod's as good as a wink
to a blind bat!
608
00:36:40,799 --> 00:36:42,568
Are you selling something?
609
00:36:42,601 --> 00:36:45,471
"Selling, selling,"
very good indeed!
610
00:36:45,504 --> 00:36:47,739
You're wicked, you are, eh?
Wicked, eh?
611
00:36:49,975 --> 00:36:53,345
Wicked! Say no more!
612
00:36:55,914 --> 00:36:59,685
So your wife's interested in...
in sport? Eh?
613
00:37:00,018 --> 00:37:01,520
She likes sport, yes.
614
00:37:02,020 --> 00:37:04,790
I bet she does! I bet she does!
615
00:37:05,324 --> 00:37:07,259
As a matter of fact,
she's very fond of cricket.
616
00:37:07,826 --> 00:37:10,429
She likes "games", eh?
Likes "games"?
617
00:37:10,796 --> 00:37:12,498
Knew she would,
she's been around a bit, eh?
618
00:37:12,531 --> 00:37:13,565
She's been around?
619
00:37:14,666 --> 00:37:15,967
Well, she has travelled, yes.
She's from Glendale.
620
00:37:24,009 --> 00:37:25,744
Say no more!
621
00:37:29,748 --> 00:37:31,817
Glendale, squire? Say no more!
622
00:37:31,850 --> 00:37:34,252
Say no more! Say no more!
Say no more!
623
00:37:37,356 --> 00:37:43,762
Is your... is your Glendale wife
interested in photography? Eh?
624
00:37:44,930 --> 00:37:45,897
Photography?
625
00:37:46,832 --> 00:37:48,634
"Photographs, eh?"
he asked him knowingly!
626
00:37:50,068 --> 00:37:51,269
Photography?
627
00:37:51,537 --> 00:37:52,704
Snap, snap,
grin, grin, wink, wink,
628
00:37:52,738 --> 00:37:53,839
nudge, nudge, say no more!
629
00:37:54,773 --> 00:37:56,041
Sort of, holiday snaps,
you mean?
630
00:37:57,242 --> 00:37:58,310
They could be, they could be
taken on holiday, you know!
631
00:37:59,545 --> 00:38:02,080
Swimming costumes, candid...
you know, "candid" photography?
632
00:38:02,113 --> 00:38:03,549
No, we don't have a camera!
633
00:38:04,716 --> 00:38:05,717
Still...
634
00:38:14,059 --> 00:38:15,827
Look,
are you insinuating something?
635
00:38:17,929 --> 00:38:20,298
Oh, no, no, no...
636
00:38:20,766 --> 00:38:21,767
Yes!
637
00:38:23,369 --> 00:38:24,370
Well?
638
00:38:25,437 --> 00:38:27,339
Well, I mean, you're a man
of the world, squire,
639
00:38:27,373 --> 00:38:29,074
you know...
you've been around, you know?
640
00:38:29,475 --> 00:38:30,709
What do you mean?
641
00:38:31,843 --> 00:38:34,580
Well, I mean, like, you've...
you know, you, like...
642
00:38:35,080 --> 00:38:39,551
you've done it, you know...
you've slept... with a lady?
643
00:38:42,988 --> 00:38:44,055
Yes.
644
00:38:45,457 --> 00:38:46,625
What's it like?
645
00:38:51,997 --> 00:38:54,766
Good afternoon, and welcome to
a packed Olympic stadium,
646
00:38:54,800 --> 00:38:57,436
München, for the second leg
of this exciting final.
647
00:39:01,707 --> 00:39:03,108
And here come the Germans now,
648
00:39:03,141 --> 00:39:05,010
led by their skipper
"Nobby" Hegel.
649
00:39:05,411 --> 00:39:07,413
They must surely start favorites
this afternoon.
650
00:39:07,446 --> 00:39:09,548
They've certainly attracted the
most attention from the press
651
00:39:09,581 --> 00:39:10,716
with their team problems.
652
00:39:10,916 --> 00:39:12,684
And let's now see their line-up:
653
00:39:13,885 --> 00:39:16,655
The Germans playing 4-2-4,
Leibniz in goal,
654
00:39:16,688 --> 00:39:18,990
back four Kant, Hegel,
Schopenhauer, and Schelling,
655
00:39:19,190 --> 00:39:20,959
front-runners
Schlegel, Wittgenstein,
656
00:39:20,992 --> 00:39:21,993
Nietzsche and Heidegger,
657
00:39:23,128 --> 00:39:24,262
and the midfield duo
of Beckenbauer and Jaspers.
658
00:39:24,295 --> 00:39:26,898
Beckenbauer obviously
a bit of a surprise there.
659
00:39:29,535 --> 00:39:30,536
And here come the Greeks,
660
00:39:31,803 --> 00:39:33,071
led out by their veteran
center half Herakleitos.
661
00:39:33,104 --> 00:39:34,105
Let's look at their team:
662
00:39:35,373 --> 00:39:36,508
As you'd expect, it's a much
more defensive line-up.
663
00:39:36,542 --> 00:39:38,577
Plato's in goal,
Socrates a front-runner there,
664
00:39:38,777 --> 00:39:40,178
and Aristotle as sweeper.
665
00:39:40,211 --> 00:39:42,380
Aristotle,
very much the man in form.
666
00:39:42,948 --> 00:39:45,684
One surprise is the inclusion
of Archimedes.
667
00:39:49,187 --> 00:39:50,556
Well, here comes the referee:
668
00:39:51,723 --> 00:39:52,691
K'ung fu-tsze (Confucius)
and his two linesmen,
669
00:39:52,724 --> 00:39:54,693
St Augustine
and St Thomas Aquinas.
670
00:39:55,994 --> 00:39:58,497
And as the two skippers
come together to shake hands,
671
00:39:58,697 --> 00:40:00,832
we're ready for the start
of this very exciting final.
672
00:40:00,866 --> 00:40:04,570
The referee, Mr. Confucius,
checks his sand, and...
673
00:40:05,036 --> 00:40:06,104
They're off!
674
00:40:06,605 --> 00:40:07,773
Nietzsche and Hegel there,
675
00:40:08,874 --> 00:40:10,609
Karl Jaspers number seven
on the outside,
676
00:40:10,642 --> 00:40:11,910
Wittgenstein there with him.
677
00:40:13,111 --> 00:40:15,681
There's Beckenbauer,
Schelling's in there,
678
00:40:15,714 --> 00:40:18,517
Heidegger covering.
Schopenhauer.
679
00:40:19,518 --> 00:40:22,053
And now it's the Greeks.
Epikuros, Plotinus number six,
680
00:40:23,121 --> 00:40:26,424
Aristotle, Empedokles of Acraga,
and Demokrites with him.
681
00:40:27,158 --> 00:40:30,929
There's Archimedes, Socrates,
there he is, Socrates.
682
00:40:32,998 --> 00:40:34,866
Socrates there going through...
683
00:40:36,502 --> 00:40:37,903
There's the ball,
there's the ball!
684
00:40:38,537 --> 00:40:41,106
We'll be bringing you back
to this exciting contest
685
00:40:41,139 --> 00:40:43,909
the moment anything interesting
happens.
686
00:40:51,850 --> 00:40:53,952
Very passable, this, eh?
Very passable.
687
00:40:54,285 --> 00:40:56,622
Nothing like a good glass
of Château de Chasselet,
688
00:40:56,655 --> 00:40:58,990
-eh, Josiah?
-You're right there, Obadiah.
689
00:40:59,858 --> 00:41:02,628
Who would have thought,
30 years ago,
690
00:41:02,961 --> 00:41:05,797
we'd all be sitting here
drinking Château de Chasselet?
691
00:41:07,599 --> 00:41:10,101
Them days we were glad to have
the price of a cup of tea.
692
00:41:10,135 --> 00:41:11,670
Aye! A cup of cold tea!
693
00:41:12,037 --> 00:41:13,539
Without milk or sugar!
694
00:41:13,739 --> 00:41:14,773
Or tea!
695
00:41:15,807 --> 00:41:17,576
In a cracked cup and all.
696
00:41:17,976 --> 00:41:19,678
Oh, we never used to have a cup!
697
00:41:20,111 --> 00:41:22,848
We used to have to drink
out of a rolled-up newspaper!
698
00:41:23,248 --> 00:41:26,752
The best we could manage was to
suck on a piece of damp cloth.
699
00:41:27,185 --> 00:41:29,154
But you know,
we were happy in those days,
700
00:41:29,187 --> 00:41:30,556
although we were poor.
701
00:41:30,589 --> 00:41:31,923
Because we were poor!
702
00:41:32,123 --> 00:41:33,625
My old dad used to say to me:
703
00:41:33,892 --> 00:41:35,661
"Money doesn't
bring you happiness, son!"
704
00:41:35,694 --> 00:41:36,795
He was right!
705
00:41:37,028 --> 00:41:38,864
I was happier then
and I had nothing!
706
00:41:39,565 --> 00:41:42,868
We used to live in this
tiny old tumble-down house
707
00:41:42,901 --> 00:41:44,770
with great big holes
in the roof.
708
00:41:45,203 --> 00:41:47,105
House! You were lucky
to live in a house!
709
00:41:47,606 --> 00:41:48,907
We used to live in one room,
710
00:41:50,108 --> 00:41:51,342
all 26 of us, no furniture,
half the floor was missing,
711
00:41:51,376 --> 00:41:54,913
we were all huddled together in
one corner for fear of falling.
712
00:41:55,947 --> 00:41:57,716
You were lucky to have a room!
713
00:41:57,749 --> 00:41:59,250
We used to have to live
in the corridor!
714
00:41:59,718 --> 00:42:02,621
Oh, we used to dream
of living in a corridor!
715
00:42:04,590 --> 00:42:05,924
Would have been a palace to us!
716
00:42:06,692 --> 00:42:09,595
We used to live in an old
water tank on a rubbish tip.
717
00:42:10,261 --> 00:42:13,599
We got woke up every morning
by having a load of rotting fish
718
00:42:13,632 --> 00:42:14,766
dumped all over us!
719
00:42:15,634 --> 00:42:16,702
House? Huh!
720
00:42:17,903 --> 00:42:19,805
Well, when I say "house",
it was just a hole in the ground
721
00:42:19,838 --> 00:42:23,642
covered by a sheet of tarpaulin,
but it was a house to us!
722
00:42:24,342 --> 00:42:26,678
We were evicted
from our hole in the ground.
723
00:42:27,979 --> 00:42:29,648
We had to go and live in a lake!
724
00:42:31,182 --> 00:42:32,851
You were lucky to have a lake!
725
00:42:33,184 --> 00:42:35,921
There were 150 of us
living in a shoebox
726
00:42:35,954 --> 00:42:37,155
in the middle of the road!
727
00:42:39,124 --> 00:42:40,358
A cardboard box?
728
00:42:40,391 --> 00:42:41,827
-Aye!
-You were lucky!
729
00:42:43,361 --> 00:42:45,797
We lived for three months
in a rolled-up newspaper
730
00:42:45,831 --> 00:42:46,965
in a septic tank!
731
00:42:48,166 --> 00:42:50,736
We used to have to get up
every morning, at six o'clock
732
00:42:50,769 --> 00:42:52,971
and clean the newspaper,
go to work down the mill,
733
00:42:53,004 --> 00:42:54,906
fourteen hours a day,
week in, week out,
734
00:42:54,940 --> 00:42:57,175
for sixpence a week,
and when we got home,
735
00:42:57,208 --> 00:43:00,245
our dad would thrash us to sleep
with his belt!
736
00:43:01,813 --> 00:43:02,648
Luxury!
737
00:43:04,816 --> 00:43:06,184
We used to have to
get out of the lake
738
00:43:06,217 --> 00:43:07,218
at three o'clock in the morning,
739
00:43:08,186 --> 00:43:09,254
clean the lake,
eat a handful of hot gravel,
740
00:43:09,287 --> 00:43:11,690
work 20 hours a day at mill
for tuppence a month,
741
00:43:11,723 --> 00:43:13,324
come home, and dad would
beat us around the head
742
00:43:13,358 --> 00:43:15,961
and neck with a broken bottle,
if we were lucky!
743
00:43:18,363 --> 00:43:19,865
Well, of course we had it tough!
744
00:43:20,999 --> 00:43:22,768
We used to have to get up
out of the shoebox
745
00:43:22,801 --> 00:43:23,802
in the middle of the night,
746
00:43:24,736 --> 00:43:26,137
and lick the road clean
with our tongues!
747
00:43:27,238 --> 00:43:30,008
We had to eat half a handful
of freezing cold gravel,
748
00:43:30,041 --> 00:43:32,277
work 24 hours a day at mill
for fourpence every six years,
749
00:43:32,310 --> 00:43:33,311
and when we got home,
750
00:43:34,379 --> 00:43:36,014
our dad would slice us in two
with a breadknife!
751
00:43:38,349 --> 00:43:39,350
Right.
752
00:43:40,485 --> 00:43:42,821
I had to get up in the morning,
at ten o'clock at night,
753
00:43:42,854 --> 00:43:44,222
half an hour before
I went to bed,
754
00:43:45,056 --> 00:43:46,992
eat a lump of cold poison,
755
00:43:47,025 --> 00:43:48,894
work 29 hours a day
down mill
756
00:43:48,927 --> 00:43:50,929
and pay mill-owner
for permission to come to work,
757
00:43:50,962 --> 00:43:52,097
and when we got home,
758
00:43:52,330 --> 00:43:53,398
our dad would kill us
759
00:43:54,499 --> 00:43:55,801
and dance about on our graves,
singing Hallelujah!
760
00:43:58,436 --> 00:44:01,239
And you try and tell
the young people of today that,
761
00:44:02,107 --> 00:44:03,241
and they won't believe you!
762
00:44:03,274 --> 00:44:04,275
No, no they won't!
763
00:44:09,447 --> 00:44:10,716
Well, there may be no score,
764
00:44:11,950 --> 00:44:12,918
but there's certainly no lack
of excitement here.
765
00:44:12,951 --> 00:44:13,952
As you can see,
766
00:44:15,286 --> 00:44:16,454
Nietzsche has just been booked
for arguing with the referee.
767
00:44:16,487 --> 00:44:18,957
He accused Confucius
of having no free will,
768
00:44:18,990 --> 00:44:21,426
and Confucius, he say,
"Name go in book."
769
00:44:21,459 --> 00:44:24,195
And this is Nietzsche's
third booking in four games.
770
00:44:25,496 --> 00:44:28,834
And, who's that? It's Karl Marx.
Karl Marx is warming up.
771
00:44:28,867 --> 00:44:30,035
It looks as though
there's going to be
772
00:44:30,268 --> 00:44:32,370
a substitution
on the German side.
773
00:44:32,403 --> 00:44:34,172
Obviously manager,
Martin Luther,
774
00:44:34,205 --> 00:44:37,008
has decided on all-out attack,
as indeed he must,
775
00:44:37,042 --> 00:44:38,777
with only two minutes
of the match to go.
776
00:44:39,077 --> 00:44:41,346
But the big question is:
Who is he going to replace?
777
00:44:41,379 --> 00:44:43,248
Who is going to come off?
It could be Jaspers,
778
00:44:43,281 --> 00:44:44,716
Hegel or Schopenhauer.
779
00:44:45,917 --> 00:44:46,885
But it's Wittgenstein!
Wittgenstein, who saw his aunty
780
00:44:46,918 --> 00:44:48,086
only last week!
And here's Marx!
781
00:44:49,387 --> 00:44:50,021
Let's see if he can put some
life into this German attack.
782
00:44:51,056 --> 00:44:53,058
Evidently not. What a shame.
783
00:44:53,424 --> 00:44:55,293
Well, now,
with just over a minute left,
784
00:44:55,326 --> 00:44:57,729
a replay on Tuesday
looks absolutely vital.
785
00:44:57,763 --> 00:45:00,431
There's Archimedes,
and I think he's had an idea!
786
00:45:00,932 --> 00:45:02,367
Eureka!
787
00:45:04,202 --> 00:45:07,472
Archimedes out to Socrates,
Socrates back to Archimedes,
788
00:45:07,939 --> 00:45:10,275
Archimedes out to Herakleitos,
he beats Hegel,
789
00:45:10,508 --> 00:45:13,378
Herakleitos, a little flick,
here he comes on the far post,
790
00:45:13,411 --> 00:45:15,313
Socrates is there!
Socrates heads it in!
791
00:45:15,346 --> 00:45:17,348
Socrates has scored!
792
00:45:17,382 --> 00:45:19,150
The Greeks are going mad!
793
00:45:19,184 --> 00:45:20,919
The Greeks are going mad,
Socrates scores,
794
00:45:20,952 --> 00:45:22,253
what a beautiful pass
from Archimedes!
795
00:45:22,287 --> 00:45:23,288
The Germans are disputing it.
796
00:45:24,255 --> 00:45:25,190
Hegel is arguing that
the reality
797
00:45:26,657 --> 00:45:27,558
is merely an a priori adjunct
of non-naturalistic ethics;
798
00:45:27,592 --> 00:45:29,928
Kant,
via the categorical imperative,
799
00:45:29,961 --> 00:45:30,896
is holding that,
ontologically
800
00:45:31,329 --> 00:45:32,397
it exists only
in the imagination,
801
00:45:33,464 --> 00:45:34,132
and Marx is claiming
it was offside.
802
00:45:35,400 --> 00:45:36,467
But Confucius has answered them
with the final whistle!
803
00:45:36,501 --> 00:45:37,936
It's all over!
804
00:45:39,237 --> 00:45:40,371
Germany, having trounced
England's famous midfield trio
805
00:45:40,405 --> 00:45:42,207
of Bentham, Locke and Hobbes
in the semi-final,
806
00:45:42,240 --> 00:45:44,109
have been beaten
by the odd goal,
807
00:45:44,142 --> 00:45:45,210
and let's see it again.
808
00:45:46,477 --> 00:45:47,645
There it is, Socrates--
809
00:45:48,246 --> 00:45:50,381
Socrates heads in and
Leibniz doesn't have a chance.
810
00:45:50,415 --> 00:45:52,851
And just look at those
delighted Greeks.
811
00:45:53,584 --> 00:45:56,121
There they are,
"Chopper" Sophocles,
812
00:45:56,154 --> 00:45:59,124
Empedokles of Acragus,
what a game he had.
813
00:45:59,457 --> 00:46:02,828
And Epikuros is there,
and Socrates, the captain,
814
00:46:02,861 --> 00:46:05,530
who scored what was probably
the most important goal
815
00:46:05,563 --> 00:46:06,798
of his career.
816
00:46:18,043 --> 00:46:20,111
Good afternoon, sir.
May I help you?
817
00:46:20,345 --> 00:46:22,513
Yes, I'd like to have
an argument, please.
818
00:46:28,053 --> 00:46:30,889
Certainly, sir.
Have you been here before?
819
00:46:30,922 --> 00:46:32,423
No, this is my first time.
820
00:46:32,457 --> 00:46:35,827
I see. Well, do you want
to have just one argument
821
00:46:35,861 --> 00:46:37,228
or were you thinking
of taking a course?
822
00:46:37,863 --> 00:46:39,898
Well, what is the cost?
823
00:46:39,931 --> 00:46:43,134
Yes, it's one pound
for a five-minute argument,
824
00:46:43,168 --> 00:46:45,203
but only eight pounds
for a course of ten.
825
00:46:45,236 --> 00:46:46,371
Well,
I think I'll just try the one
826
00:46:46,404 --> 00:46:47,272
and see how it goes from there.
827
00:46:47,973 --> 00:46:51,576
Fine. Ah, yes,
try Mr. Barnard, Room 12.
828
00:46:51,609 --> 00:46:52,978
Thank you very much.
829
00:46:57,182 --> 00:46:58,884
-What do you want?
-Well, I was told outside--
830
00:46:58,917 --> 00:46:59,918
Don't give me that,
831
00:47:00,852 --> 00:47:01,586
you snotty-faced heap
of parrot droppings!
832
00:47:01,619 --> 00:47:02,888
What?!
833
00:47:02,921 --> 00:47:04,555
Shut your festering gob,
you tit!
834
00:47:04,589 --> 00:47:06,024
Your type make me puke,
835
00:47:06,257 --> 00:47:09,027
you vacuous, toffee-nosed,
malodorous pervert!
836
00:47:09,060 --> 00:47:10,495
Listen,
I came here for an argument!
837
00:47:10,528 --> 00:47:13,164
Oh, oh, I'm sorry,
but this is Abuse!
838
00:47:13,198 --> 00:47:15,600
Oh, oh, I see!
Terribly sorry.
839
00:47:15,633 --> 00:47:17,502
No, you want Room 12A,
next door.
840
00:47:17,535 --> 00:47:19,470
Oh, I see. Thank you very much.
841
00:47:19,504 --> 00:47:20,571
Not at all.
842
00:47:22,307 --> 00:47:23,408
Stupid git.
843
00:47:26,077 --> 00:47:28,446
Is this the right room
for an argument?
844
00:47:29,314 --> 00:47:30,415
I've told you once.
845
00:47:31,482 --> 00:47:32,483
No, you haven't.
846
00:47:32,683 --> 00:47:34,319
-Yes, I have.
-When?
847
00:47:34,352 --> 00:47:36,121
-Just now.
-No, you didn't.
848
00:47:36,321 --> 00:47:37,422
-Yes, I did.
-You didn't!
849
00:47:37,455 --> 00:47:38,456
-I did.
-No, you didn't!
850
00:47:39,557 --> 00:47:40,325
-I'm telling you I did!
-You most certainly did not!
851
00:47:41,292 --> 00:47:41,826
One moment,
is this the five-minute argument
852
00:47:41,859 --> 00:47:42,627
or the full half hour?
853
00:47:43,494 --> 00:47:44,195
Oh, oh, I see.
Just the five minutes.
854
00:47:45,130 --> 00:47:47,032
Just the five minutes...
Right, thank you.
855
00:47:48,233 --> 00:47:50,068
-Anyway, I did.
-Oh, no, you didn't.
856
00:47:50,268 --> 00:47:52,003
Now let's get one thing
absolutely clear.
857
00:47:52,037 --> 00:47:53,972
-I most definitely told you.
-No, you didn't.
858
00:47:54,005 --> 00:47:55,140
-Yes, I did.
-No, you didn't.
859
00:47:55,173 --> 00:47:56,441
-Yes, I did.
-No, you didn't.
860
00:47:57,642 --> 00:48:02,013
-Yes, I did. Yes, I did...
-No you didn't. No you didn't...
861
00:48:02,047 --> 00:48:03,414
Oh, look,
this isn't an argument!
862
00:48:04,115 --> 00:48:05,450
Yes, it is!
No, it isn't!
863
00:48:06,051 --> 00:48:07,552
-It's just contradiction!
-No, it isn't!
864
00:48:07,585 --> 00:48:08,586
-It is!
-It is not!
865
00:48:09,487 --> 00:48:09,988
-You just contradicted me!
-I did not!
866
00:48:10,621 --> 00:48:11,056
-You did!
-No, no, no!
867
00:48:11,822 --> 00:48:12,323
-You did just then!
-Nonsense!
868
00:48:12,357 --> 00:48:13,258
Oh, this is futile!
869
00:48:15,460 --> 00:48:17,428
-No, it isn't.
-Yes, it is.
870
00:48:18,496 --> 00:48:19,530
I came here for a good argument.
871
00:48:20,531 --> 00:48:21,499
No, you didn't.
You came here for an argument.
872
00:48:21,532 --> 00:48:23,334
Yes, but argument
isn't just contradiction!
873
00:48:23,368 --> 00:48:25,136
Well, can be.
874
00:48:25,170 --> 00:48:27,205
No, an argument is a connected
series of statements
875
00:48:27,238 --> 00:48:28,439
intended to establish
a proposition.
876
00:48:28,473 --> 00:48:29,907
-No, it isn't!
-Yes, it is!
877
00:48:30,175 --> 00:48:31,209
It isn't just contradiction!
878
00:48:31,242 --> 00:48:33,044
Look, if I argue with you,
879
00:48:33,411 --> 00:48:35,246
I must take up
a contrary position.
880
00:48:35,981 --> 00:48:37,682
Yes, but that isn't just saying,
"No, it isn't!"
881
00:48:37,715 --> 00:48:38,916
-Yes, it is!
-No, it isn't!
882
00:48:40,118 --> 00:48:41,519
-Yes, it is! Yes, it is...
-No, it isn't! No, it isn't...
883
00:48:41,552 --> 00:48:43,388
Argument
is an intellectual process.
884
00:48:43,421 --> 00:48:45,723
Contradiction is just
an automatic gain-saying
885
00:48:45,756 --> 00:48:47,092
of anything
the other person says!
886
00:48:47,125 --> 00:48:48,293
-It is not!
-It is!
887
00:48:48,326 --> 00:48:49,460
-Not at all!
-Now look--
888
00:48:49,494 --> 00:48:50,628
Thank you! Good morning!
889
00:48:52,730 --> 00:48:53,965
What?
890
00:48:55,166 --> 00:48:56,367
That's it! Good morning!
891
00:48:56,767 --> 00:48:58,003
I was just getting interested!
892
00:48:58,203 --> 00:48:59,470
I'm sorry,
the five minutes is up!
893
00:49:00,505 --> 00:49:01,606
That was never five minutes,
just now!
894
00:49:02,073 --> 00:49:03,975
-I'm afraid it was.
-Oh, no, it wasn't.
895
00:49:07,712 --> 00:49:10,248
I'm sorry, I'm... I'm not
allowed to argue anymore.
896
00:49:10,281 --> 00:49:12,250
-What?
-If you want me to go on arguing
897
00:49:12,283 --> 00:49:13,518
you'll have to pay
for another five minutes.
898
00:49:14,119 --> 00:49:16,087
But that was never five minutes,
just now!
899
00:49:19,157 --> 00:49:23,161
Oh, come on!
Oh, this is ridiculous!
900
00:49:23,194 --> 00:49:24,629
If you want me to go on arguing,
901
00:49:24,662 --> 00:49:26,297
you'll have to pay
for another five minutes!
902
00:49:27,498 --> 00:49:30,601
Oh, all right. Here you are.
903
00:49:31,802 --> 00:49:33,138
Thank you.
904
00:49:34,472 --> 00:49:35,673
Well?
905
00:49:37,475 --> 00:49:38,476
Well what?
906
00:49:39,377 --> 00:49:39,977
That was never five minutes,
just now!
907
00:49:40,945 --> 00:49:41,646
I told you,
if you want me to go on arguing,
908
00:49:42,647 --> 00:49:43,314
you'll have to pay
for another five minutes.
909
00:49:43,348 --> 00:49:44,715
Yes, yes, well, I've just paid!
910
00:49:45,616 --> 00:49:46,984
No, you didn't!
911
00:49:47,452 --> 00:49:49,020
-I did!
-You did not!
912
00:49:49,054 --> 00:49:51,756
-I did!
-You never...
913
00:49:51,789 --> 00:49:53,124
Look, I don't want to argue
about this.
914
00:49:53,458 --> 00:49:54,459
Well, I'm very sorry,
but you didn't pay!
915
00:49:55,493 --> 00:49:58,429
Aha! But if I didn't pay,
why are you arguing?
916
00:49:59,097 --> 00:50:02,267
Aha! Got you!
917
00:50:06,771 --> 00:50:08,106
-No, you haven't.
-Yes, I have.
918
00:50:08,473 --> 00:50:10,775
If you're arguing,
I must have paid.
919
00:50:10,808 --> 00:50:13,711
Not necessarily. I could be
arguing in my spare time.
920
00:50:14,412 --> 00:50:16,414
-Oh, I've had enough of this!
-No, you haven't!
921
00:50:16,447 --> 00:50:17,448
Yes, I have!
922
00:50:17,715 --> 00:50:21,652
-No, you haven't...
-Yes, I have...
923
00:50:25,623 --> 00:50:30,361
I've got two legs
from my hips to the ground
924
00:50:30,395 --> 00:50:34,132
And when I lift them
they walk around
925
00:50:34,332 --> 00:50:38,069
And when I lift them
they climb the stairs
926
00:50:38,269 --> 00:50:42,373
And when I shave them
they ain't got hairs
927
00:51:01,292 --> 00:51:05,496
How sweet to be an idiot
928
00:51:07,532 --> 00:51:12,069
As harmless as a cloud
929
00:51:13,438 --> 00:51:15,773
Too small to hide the sun
930
00:51:16,741 --> 00:51:18,843
Almost poking fun
931
00:51:19,477 --> 00:51:23,481
At the warm but insecure
untidy crowd
932
00:51:25,383 --> 00:51:29,420
How sweet to be an idiot
933
00:51:31,256 --> 00:51:35,326
And dip my brain in joy
934
00:51:36,627 --> 00:51:39,230
Children laughing at my back
935
00:51:39,597 --> 00:51:42,533
With no fear of attack
936
00:51:43,201 --> 00:51:46,671
As much retaliation as a toy
937
00:51:48,573 --> 00:51:52,643
How sweet to be an idiot
938
00:51:54,512 --> 00:51:55,580
How sweet
939
00:52:06,357 --> 00:52:08,459
I tiptoe down the street
940
00:52:09,560 --> 00:52:12,330
Smile at everyone I meet
941
00:52:20,838 --> 00:52:23,140
But suddenly a scream
942
00:52:23,941 --> 00:52:25,843
Smashes through my dream
943
00:52:26,844 --> 00:52:29,380
Fee-fi-fo-fum
944
00:52:29,747 --> 00:52:32,149
I smell blood of an asylum
945
00:52:32,350 --> 00:52:34,785
Hey you
You're such a pedant
946
00:52:35,520 --> 00:52:37,655
You've got as much brain
as a dead ant
947
00:52:38,389 --> 00:52:41,192
As much imagination
as a caravan site
948
00:52:43,928 --> 00:52:45,630
But I still love you
949
00:52:46,964 --> 00:52:48,499
Still love you
950
00:52:50,335 --> 00:52:54,372
How sweet to be an idiot
951
00:52:56,307 --> 00:52:58,175
How sweet
952
00:52:58,876 --> 00:53:01,279
How sweet
953
00:53:03,414 --> 00:53:08,686
How sweet
954
00:54:34,939 --> 00:54:37,875
-Good morning.
-Oh, good morning.
955
00:54:38,976 --> 00:54:40,878
Have you come to arrange
a holiday
956
00:54:41,346 --> 00:54:42,680
or would you like a blow job?
957
00:54:46,851 --> 00:54:47,818
I'm sorry?
958
00:54:48,686 --> 00:54:50,755
Oh, you've come
to arrange a holiday?
959
00:54:51,021 --> 00:54:53,991
-Yes.
-Oh, sorry, sorry.
960
00:54:54,525 --> 00:54:57,462
Now, where were you
thinking of going?
961
00:54:58,563 --> 00:54:59,630
To India.
962
00:54:59,997 --> 00:55:02,066
One of our adventure
holidays.
963
00:55:02,099 --> 00:55:03,334
Yes, that's right.
964
00:55:04,335 --> 00:55:05,302
Well, you'd better see
Mr. Bounder about that.
965
00:55:06,236 --> 00:55:07,772
Mr. Bounder,
this gentleman is interested
966
00:55:07,805 --> 00:55:11,376
in the "India Overland".
And nothing else.
967
00:55:17,715 --> 00:55:19,417
Hello, I'm Bounder of Adventure.
968
00:55:19,617 --> 00:55:21,519
Oh, hello.
My name is Smoketoomuch.
969
00:55:21,786 --> 00:55:22,753
What?
970
00:55:23,688 --> 00:55:25,790
My name is Smoketoomuch.
Mr. Smoketoomuch.
971
00:55:26,123 --> 00:55:28,526
Well, you'd better
cut down a little then.
972
00:55:33,631 --> 00:55:34,632
I'm sorry?
973
00:55:34,999 --> 00:55:38,002
You'd better
cut down a little then.
974
00:55:39,804 --> 00:55:42,072
Oh, I see! Smoke too much
975
00:55:42,106 --> 00:55:43,908
so I'd better cut down
a little then!
976
00:55:43,941 --> 00:55:44,942
Yes.
977
00:55:45,876 --> 00:55:46,944
I expect you get people making
978
00:55:47,578 --> 00:55:49,447
jokes about your name
all the time, eh?
979
00:55:49,780 --> 00:55:53,984
No, actually, it never struck me
before. Smoketoomuch...
980
00:55:58,088 --> 00:56:00,858
Anyway, you're interested
in one of our holidays, are you?
981
00:56:00,891 --> 00:56:01,892
Yes, that's right.
982
00:56:02,827 --> 00:56:03,928
I saw your advert
in the blassified ads.
983
00:56:04,929 --> 00:56:07,532
-The what?
-In The Times Blassified Ads.
984
00:56:07,832 --> 00:56:09,700
The Times Classified Ads?
985
00:56:10,501 --> 00:56:11,502
Yes, that's right.
986
00:56:12,403 --> 00:56:13,137
I'm afraid I have
a speech impediment.
987
00:56:13,838 --> 00:56:15,005
I can't pronounce the letter B.
988
00:56:15,773 --> 00:56:17,942
-C?
-Yes, that's right, B.
989
00:56:19,577 --> 00:56:21,145
It's all due to a trauma
I suffered
990
00:56:21,178 --> 00:56:22,547
when I was a sbhoolboy.
991
00:56:22,913 --> 00:56:24,982
I was attacked by a Siamese bat.
992
00:56:25,916 --> 00:56:27,117
A Siamese cat.
993
00:56:27,652 --> 00:56:30,588
No, a Siamese bat.
They're more dangerous.
994
00:56:32,022 --> 00:56:35,593
Well, listen...
can you say the letter K?
995
00:56:35,626 --> 00:56:40,898
Oh, yes. Khaki, kettle, Kipling,
Khomeini, Kellogg's Born Flakes.
996
00:56:42,032 --> 00:56:44,902
Well, why don't you say
the letter K
997
00:56:44,935 --> 00:56:46,471
instead of the letter C?
998
00:56:47,104 --> 00:56:50,808
Well, you mean,
pronounce "blassified" with a K?
999
00:56:51,008 --> 00:56:52,409
Yes, absolutely!
1000
00:56:53,711 --> 00:56:55,546
-Klassified!
-Good!
1001
00:56:56,146 --> 00:56:58,015
Oh, it's very good!
I never thought of that before.
1002
00:56:59,884 --> 00:57:01,118
What a silly bunt.
1003
00:57:04,154 --> 00:57:06,924
Now then,
about the holiday...
1004
00:57:07,124 --> 00:57:10,094
Yes, well, I've been on
package tours many times before,
1005
00:57:10,127 --> 00:57:11,629
so your advert
really baught my eye.
1006
00:57:11,896 --> 00:57:12,963
Good, good, jolly good,
well what we offer is this...
1007
00:57:14,064 --> 00:57:14,732
You're quite right, what's
the point of going abroad,
1008
00:57:15,866 --> 00:57:16,601
if you're just going to be
treated like a sheep?
1009
00:57:17,602 --> 00:57:18,536
Carted around in buses,
surrounded by sweaty,
1010
00:57:18,569 --> 00:57:20,671
mindless oaves
from Kettering and Boventry.
1011
00:57:20,705 --> 00:57:22,206
-Absolutely.
-Their bloth baps
1012
00:57:22,239 --> 00:57:23,941
and their bardigans
and their transistor radios,
1013
00:57:23,974 --> 00:57:25,075
bomplaining about the tea:
1014
00:57:25,543 --> 00:57:26,811
"They don't make it properly,
do they?"
1015
00:57:27,144 --> 00:57:28,913
And stopping at endless
Majorcan bodegas
1016
00:57:28,946 --> 00:57:31,048
selling fish and chips
and Watney's Red Barrel
1017
00:57:31,081 --> 00:57:33,117
and calamaris and two veg.
1018
00:57:33,150 --> 00:57:34,919
And sitting in their
cotton sun frocks,
1019
00:57:34,952 --> 00:57:36,487
squirting Timothy Whites
sun cream
1020
00:57:36,721 --> 00:57:39,790
all over their puffy,
raw, swollen, purulent flesh,
1021
00:57:39,824 --> 00:57:40,891
'cos they overdid it
on the first day.
1022
00:57:41,526 --> 00:57:42,960
Yes, I know just what you mean!
Now, what we offer is--
1023
00:57:43,260 --> 00:57:46,063
And being herded into endless
Hotel Miramars and Bellevueses,
1024
00:57:46,096 --> 00:57:48,533
Bontinentals
with their international luxury
1025
00:57:48,566 --> 00:57:49,734
-modern roomettes...
-Oh, yes.
1026
00:57:50,801 --> 00:57:51,435
...and swimming pools
full of draught Red Barrel
1027
00:57:51,468 --> 00:57:52,970
and fat German businessmen,
1028
00:57:54,004 --> 00:57:55,172
pretending to be acrobats
and forming pyramids
1029
00:57:55,205 --> 00:57:58,108
and frightening the children
and barging into the queues.
1030
00:57:58,142 --> 00:57:59,877
And if you're not at your table
spot on seven,
1031
00:57:59,910 --> 00:58:02,179
you miss your bowl of Campbell's
Cream of Mushroom Soup,
1032
00:58:02,547 --> 00:58:05,049
the first item in the menu
of International Cuisine.
1033
00:58:05,082 --> 00:58:06,216
Absolutely. Now--
1034
00:58:07,384 --> 00:58:08,485
Every Thursday night there's
bloody cabaret in the bar
1035
00:58:08,519 --> 00:58:12,189
featuring some tiny, emaciated
dago with nine-inch hips
1036
00:58:12,790 --> 00:58:15,593
and some fat, bloated tart
with her hair Brylcreemed down
1037
00:58:15,626 --> 00:58:17,862
and big ass, presenting
Flamenco for Foreigners.
1038
00:58:17,895 --> 00:58:18,929
Will you be quiet, please?
1039
00:58:19,196 --> 00:58:20,698
And adenoidal typists
from Birmingham
1040
00:58:20,898 --> 00:58:22,499
-with flabby white legs...
-Will you be quiet?
1041
00:58:22,700 --> 00:58:23,868
...and diarrhea,
trying to pick up hairy,
1042
00:58:23,901 --> 00:58:25,169
bandy-legged, wop waiters
1043
00:58:25,202 --> 00:58:26,671
-called Manuel.
-Be quiet!
1044
00:58:26,704 --> 00:58:27,738
And once a week
there's an excursion
1045
00:58:28,238 --> 00:58:30,074
to local Roman remains,
where you can buy Cherryade
1046
00:58:30,107 --> 00:58:31,742
-and melted ice cream...
-Will you be quiet?
1047
00:58:31,776 --> 00:58:33,277
...and bleedin'
Watney's Red Barrel.
1048
00:58:33,310 --> 00:58:34,612
-Shut up!
-And one night they take you
1049
00:58:34,845 --> 00:58:35,813
to a typical restaurant
with local...
1050
00:58:36,681 --> 00:58:37,114
-Shut up!
-...atmosphere and color,
1051
00:58:37,982 --> 00:58:38,616
-and you sit next to a...
-Shut up!
1052
00:58:39,650 --> 00:58:40,317
...party of people from Rhyl
who keep singing:
1053
00:58:40,350 --> 00:58:42,152
I love the Costa Brava!
1054
00:58:42,186 --> 00:58:43,187
Shut up!
1055
00:58:43,220 --> 00:58:45,790
I love the Costa Brava!
1056
00:58:45,990 --> 00:58:48,593
And you get cornered by some
drunken greengrocer from Luton
1057
00:58:48,626 --> 00:58:51,729
with an Instamatic camera and
last Tuesday's Daily Express...
1058
00:58:51,962 --> 00:58:53,864
Please be quiet!
This is the last time...
1059
00:58:53,898 --> 00:58:55,332
...and he drones on and on
and on about how Ian Smith
1060
00:58:55,365 --> 00:58:56,634
should be running the country
1061
00:58:57,702 --> 00:58:58,803
and how many languages
Margaret Powell can speak,
1062
00:58:58,836 --> 00:59:01,071
and then she throws up
all over the cuba libres.
1063
00:59:01,105 --> 00:59:03,841
And spending four days
on the tarmac at Luton Airport
1064
00:59:03,874 --> 00:59:05,309
on a five-day package tour
1065
00:59:05,710 --> 00:59:07,277
with nothing to eat but dry
British Airways-type sandwiches.
1066
00:59:07,311 --> 00:59:08,646
Shut up! Please shut up!
1067
00:59:09,714 --> 00:59:10,581
You can't even get a glass
of Watney's Red Barrel
1068
00:59:11,782 --> 00:59:12,382
because you're still in England
and the bloody bar closes
1069
00:59:12,416 --> 00:59:13,851
every time you're thirsty.
1070
00:59:14,284 --> 00:59:15,753
And the kids are crying
and vomiting
1071
00:59:15,786 --> 00:59:17,154
and breaking
the plastic ashtrays.
1072
00:59:17,354 --> 00:59:19,189
They keep telling you
it'll only be another hour,
1073
00:59:19,657 --> 00:59:22,092
but you know damn well
your plane is still in Iceland,
1074
00:59:22,126 --> 00:59:23,828
and has to come back
and take a party of...
1075
00:59:23,861 --> 00:59:25,129
-Shut up!
-...take a party of Swedes
1076
00:59:25,162 --> 00:59:26,163
to Yugoslavia,
1077
00:59:27,264 --> 00:59:28,633
before it can load you up
at 3 a.m. in the morning.
1078
00:59:29,600 --> 00:59:31,001
And then you sit on the tarmac
for four hours
1079
00:59:31,035 --> 00:59:32,637
because of unforeseen
difficulties,
1080
00:59:32,870 --> 00:59:35,840
i.e. the permanent strike of
air traffic control over Paris.
1081
00:59:36,373 --> 00:59:38,075
When you finally
get to Malaga airport,
1082
00:59:38,342 --> 00:59:40,344
everybody's queueing
for the bloody toilet,
1083
00:59:40,845 --> 00:59:42,913
and queuing for the bloody
armed customs officers,
1084
00:59:43,113 --> 00:59:45,182
and queuing for the bloody bus
that isn't there,
1085
00:59:45,215 --> 00:59:47,752
waiting to take you to the hotel
that hasn't yet been built.
1086
00:59:48,152 --> 00:59:50,955
When you finally get to
the half-built Algerian ruin
1087
00:59:50,988 --> 00:59:52,790
called the Hotel del Sol,
1088
00:59:52,823 --> 00:59:54,258
by paying
half your holiday money
1089
00:59:54,291 --> 00:59:56,160
to a licensed bandit in a taxi,
1090
00:59:56,393 --> 00:59:59,096
there's no water in the pool,
there's no water in the bog,
1091
00:59:59,296 --> 01:00:00,665
there's no water in the tap,
1092
01:00:00,965 --> 01:00:02,767
there's only a bleeding lizard
in the bidet,
1093
01:00:02,967 --> 01:00:04,635
and half the rooms
are double-booked,
1094
01:00:04,835 --> 01:00:06,070
and you can't sleep anyway,
1095
01:00:06,103 --> 01:00:07,672
'cause of the permanent
24-hour drilling
1096
01:00:07,705 --> 01:00:09,273
of the foundations
of the hotel next door.
1097
01:00:09,807 --> 01:00:11,976
Meanwhile, the Spanish
National Tourist Board
1098
01:00:12,009 --> 01:00:14,311
promises you
the raging cholera epidemic
1099
01:00:14,679 --> 01:00:16,914
is merely a mild outbreak
of Spanish Tummy,
1100
01:00:17,114 --> 01:00:19,750
rather like the previous
outbreak in 1616
1101
01:00:19,784 --> 01:00:21,351
even the bloody rats
are dying from it!
1102
01:00:24,221 --> 01:00:28,025
As early
as the late 14th century,
1103
01:00:28,392 --> 01:00:31,395
or indeed as late
as the early 14th century,
1104
01:00:31,862 --> 01:00:33,998
the earliest forms of jape
were divisible in--
1105
01:00:34,031 --> 01:00:37,034
Meanwhile, the bloody Guardia
are busy arresting 16-year-olds
1106
01:00:37,067 --> 01:00:38,268
for kissing in the streets.
1107
01:00:39,369 --> 01:00:41,005
And finally, on the last day
in the airport lounge,
1108
01:00:41,338 --> 01:00:43,741
everybody's buying little
awful horrid donkeys
1109
01:00:43,774 --> 01:00:44,809
with their names on,
1110
01:00:45,810 --> 01:00:47,177
and bullfight posters
with their own names on,
1111
01:00:47,211 --> 01:00:48,779
like Antonio--
1112
01:00:48,979 --> 01:00:50,715
Mr. Brian Pules of Norwich.
1113
01:00:50,948 --> 01:00:53,050
And then finally,
when you get to bloody Luton,
1114
01:00:53,350 --> 01:00:55,385
you're kept around
for another four hours,
1115
01:00:55,886 --> 01:00:58,655
while they find a plane that can
take you back to Manchester.
1116
01:00:59,089 --> 01:01:00,791
And when you finally
get to Manchester,
1117
01:01:01,191 --> 01:01:04,862
there's only another bloody bus
you have to wait 16 hours for...
1118
01:01:09,433 --> 01:01:12,436
As early as
the late 14th century
1119
01:01:12,469 --> 01:01:15,439
or indeed as late
as the early 14th century,
1120
01:01:15,840 --> 01:01:17,307
the earliest forms of jape
1121
01:01:17,341 --> 01:01:19,276
were divisible
into the two categories
1122
01:01:19,309 --> 01:01:21,946
into which I now intend
to divide them.
1123
01:01:22,279 --> 01:01:23,680
The earliest manifestation
1124
01:01:23,848 --> 01:01:25,950
of the basic,
simple precipitation jest
1125
01:01:26,216 --> 01:01:28,886
incurred, as will be seen
from the demonstration,
1126
01:01:29,119 --> 01:01:32,356
a disproportionate amount
of internal risibility
1127
01:01:32,389 --> 01:01:34,358
on the part of the operator.
1128
01:01:53,911 --> 01:01:55,946
Secondary precipitation occurs
1129
01:01:55,980 --> 01:01:59,784
when both protagonist and dupe
are located indoors.
1130
01:02:00,150 --> 01:02:02,352
It is true, however,
that this has involved
1131
01:02:02,386 --> 01:02:05,022
the development of a special
piece of machinery.
1132
01:02:06,156 --> 01:02:09,226
But it is still no more
than a simple variation
1133
01:02:09,259 --> 01:02:10,995
of primary precipitation.
1134
01:02:34,451 --> 01:02:37,154
The opening up
of the African continent
1135
01:02:37,187 --> 01:02:39,790
revealed a vast
new source of wealth
1136
01:02:39,824 --> 01:02:41,458
for humorous exploitation.
1137
01:02:43,093 --> 01:02:45,029
We are to see demonstrated
1138
01:02:45,262 --> 01:02:49,199
how this was adapted
to the basic precipitation jape.
1139
01:03:30,140 --> 01:03:32,542
We now come on to a considera--
1140
01:04:00,370 --> 01:04:04,108
We now come on
to a consideration
1141
01:04:04,141 --> 01:04:07,611
of the more sophisticated
transitive mode of japing,
1142
01:04:07,978 --> 01:04:09,413
in which,
as you will observe,
1143
01:04:09,446 --> 01:04:13,650
the operator or inceptor
remains totally unaware
1144
01:04:13,683 --> 01:04:16,553
of the humorous implications
of his action.
1145
01:04:23,627 --> 01:04:29,399
First, we are to see the
"simple sideswipe" or "whop."
1146
01:04:31,135 --> 01:04:32,869
Hey, Vance!
1147
01:04:41,678 --> 01:04:45,215
Next, the "sideswipe
and return."
1148
01:04:46,216 --> 01:04:48,218
Hey, Vance!
1149
01:04:59,263 --> 01:05:03,533
And now, the "double
sideswipe and return."
1150
01:05:10,607 --> 01:05:12,009
Hey, Vance!
1151
01:05:27,557 --> 01:05:30,394
Popular as this jest
has always been, however,
1152
01:05:30,594 --> 01:05:33,363
it cannot compare
with the ribald connotations
1153
01:05:33,397 --> 01:05:37,001
associated with the dispatch
of an edible missile.
1154
01:05:46,310 --> 01:05:47,411
First...
1155
01:05:48,512 --> 01:05:52,949
First the simple straightforward
"offensive deposit."
1156
01:06:09,199 --> 01:06:10,234
Second...
1157
01:06:11,301 --> 01:06:15,039
Second, the simple
"sideways offensive deposit."
1158
01:06:26,783 --> 01:06:30,387
Next, the simple
"surprise deposit."
1159
01:06:49,806 --> 01:06:52,676
And now, the "foul pie."
1160
01:07:04,754 --> 01:07:07,023
Could we have new pies, please?
1161
01:07:26,843 --> 01:07:27,644
Finally...
1162
01:07:28,545 --> 01:07:30,747
Finally we move on
to the interesting,
1163
01:07:30,780 --> 01:07:32,349
but little-known variant,
1164
01:07:32,716 --> 01:07:36,453
nominally designated
the "three-course complex."
1165
01:07:57,741 --> 01:08:01,245
But... but finally,
we must not forget
1166
01:08:01,611 --> 01:08:03,680
the enjoyment, the satisfaction,
1167
01:08:04,148 --> 01:08:06,550
and the edification
to be derived
1168
01:08:06,583 --> 01:08:08,652
from the simple, straightforward
1169
01:08:08,685 --> 01:08:13,423
"sideways completely
unexpected deposit."
1170
01:08:22,765 --> 01:08:26,870
Once upon a time, there was
a little house in a dark forest.
1171
01:08:27,737 --> 01:08:31,808
In this house lived a humble
woodcutter and his wife
1172
01:08:36,680 --> 01:08:39,782
and their pretty daughter,
Little Red Riding Hood.
1173
01:08:54,564 --> 01:08:56,800
And in the middle of this deep,
dark forest,
1174
01:08:56,833 --> 01:08:58,667
there lived a vicious wolf!
1175
01:09:06,643 --> 01:09:10,280
One day, Little Red Riding Hood
set off to take some things
1176
01:09:10,314 --> 01:09:14,218
to her old grandmother
who lived deep in the forest.
1177
01:09:29,898 --> 01:09:32,769
The vicious wolf
saw Little Red Riding Hood
1178
01:09:32,969 --> 01:09:37,407
and thought:
"She looks very good to eat!"
1179
01:09:39,976 --> 01:09:43,880
"Where are you going,
my pretty one?"
1180
01:09:45,682 --> 01:09:47,916
"Oh, kind sir,
to my grandmother's."
1181
01:09:48,385 --> 01:09:51,688
"Ha, ha, ha, ha!"
smirked the wicked wolf
1182
01:09:52,289 --> 01:09:55,459
and dashed off through the
forest to grandmother's house.
1183
01:09:58,327 --> 01:10:01,665
"Knock, knock, knock,"
went the wicked wolf.
1184
01:10:02,299 --> 01:10:03,700
The door opened wide,
1185
01:10:03,733 --> 01:10:05,769
but it wasn't Grandmother
who opened it.
1186
01:10:06,403 --> 01:10:10,407
It was Buzz Aldrin,
America's number two spaceman!
1187
01:10:13,277 --> 01:10:15,412
For this was not
Granny's little house at all,
1188
01:10:15,645 --> 01:10:17,481
but the headquarters of NASA,
1189
01:10:17,514 --> 01:10:19,782
the American
space research agency.
1190
01:10:22,452 --> 01:10:24,888
The wicked wolf
was shot by security guards.
1191
01:10:27,924 --> 01:10:31,295
So all was quiet
in the forest again.
1192
01:10:33,597 --> 01:10:35,231
The humble woodcutter
and his wife
1193
01:10:35,432 --> 01:10:37,666
sold the their story
to Der Spiegel
1194
01:10:37,701 --> 01:10:39,835
for 40,000 Deutsche Marks.
1195
01:10:41,405 --> 01:10:44,508
NASA agreed to limit
the number of nuclear tests
1196
01:10:44,541 --> 01:10:45,709
in Granny's little house
1197
01:10:46,910 --> 01:10:49,978
to two on Thursdays
and one on Saturdays after tea.
1198
01:10:56,886 --> 01:10:58,355
Liberal rubbish!
1199
01:10:58,855 --> 01:11:01,257
What do you want
with your jugged fish, Klaus?
1200
01:11:03,427 --> 01:11:05,529
Pardon, my wide-thighed plum?
1201
01:11:05,929 --> 01:11:08,565
What do you want
with your jugged fish,
1202
01:11:08,598 --> 01:11:09,833
you cloth-eared git?
1203
01:11:11,067 --> 01:11:12,268
Halibut!
1204
01:11:12,969 --> 01:11:14,938
The jugged fish is halibut!
1205
01:11:15,339 --> 01:11:19,576
All right. Well, what fish
do you have that is not jugged?
1206
01:11:20,644 --> 01:11:21,710
Rabbit.
1207
01:11:23,079 --> 01:11:24,581
What, rabbit fish?
1208
01:11:25,415 --> 01:11:27,416
Well, it's all covered in fur.
1209
01:11:28,718 --> 01:11:29,886
Well, is it dead?
1210
01:11:30,119 --> 01:11:32,989
Well, it was coughing up blood
last night.
1211
01:11:34,958 --> 01:11:37,627
All right, I'll have the dead,
unjugged rabbit fish.
1212
01:11:41,798 --> 01:11:42,799
Appalling!
1213
01:11:43,099 --> 01:11:45,402
Oh, you're always complaining.
1214
01:11:45,602 --> 01:11:46,835
What's for afterwards?
1215
01:11:47,103 --> 01:11:49,873
Well, there's rat pie,
1216
01:11:50,106 --> 01:11:56,012
rat pudding, rat sorbet
or... strawberry tart.
1217
01:11:56,813 --> 01:11:58,014
Strawberry tart?
1218
01:11:58,848 --> 01:12:01,017
Well, it's got some rat in it.
1219
01:12:03,052 --> 01:12:04,487
How much?
1220
01:12:05,621 --> 01:12:09,058
Six. Rather a lot really.
1221
01:12:10,093 --> 01:12:12,596
I'll have a slice
without so much rat in it.
1222
01:12:19,903 --> 01:12:20,969
Appalling!
1223
01:12:22,739 --> 01:12:25,541
"Moan, moan, moan!"
1224
01:12:26,175 --> 01:12:28,612
-Hello, mum! Hello, dad!
-Hello, son!
1225
01:12:28,844 --> 01:12:30,880
There's a dead bishop
on the landing!
1226
01:12:31,748 --> 01:12:33,650
Where... where's he from?
1227
01:12:33,850 --> 01:12:36,786
-What do you mean?
-What's his diocese?
1228
01:12:37,153 --> 01:12:39,088
Well, he looked a bit
Canterburyish to me.
1229
01:12:39,489 --> 01:12:40,657
I'll go and have a look.
1230
01:12:41,458 --> 01:12:43,393
I dunno who keeps
bringing them in here.
1231
01:12:43,427 --> 01:12:44,528
Well, it's not me.
1232
01:12:44,827 --> 01:12:47,130
I put three out by the trashcans
last week
1233
01:12:47,163 --> 01:12:49,098
and the garbage men
won't touch 'em.
1234
01:12:49,699 --> 01:12:51,367
It's the Bishop of Leicester!
1235
01:12:51,635 --> 01:12:52,802
How do you know?
1236
01:12:53,002 --> 01:12:54,471
Tattooed on the back
of his neck!
1237
01:12:55,939 --> 01:12:57,641
I think I'd better
call the police!
1238
01:12:57,841 --> 01:13:00,744
-Shouldn't you call the church?
-Call the Church Police!
1239
01:13:00,777 --> 01:13:05,514
That's a good idea!
The Church Police!
1240
01:13:09,118 --> 01:13:10,820
'Allo, 'allo, 'allo!
1241
01:13:29,839 --> 01:13:32,509
What's all this then? Amen!
1242
01:13:32,909 --> 01:13:36,079
-Are you the Church Police?
-Oh, yes!
1243
01:13:37,246 --> 01:13:40,550
There's another dead bishop
on the landing, Vicar-Sergeant!
1244
01:13:40,750 --> 01:13:46,189
Detective Parson, madam!
What is he? R.C. or C. of E.?
1245
01:13:46,222 --> 01:13:47,657
How should I know?
1246
01:13:47,691 --> 01:13:49,125
Tattooed on the back
of their neck!
1247
01:13:51,094 --> 01:13:55,465
Here, is that rat tart?
1248
01:13:59,102 --> 01:14:00,103
Yes.
1249
01:14:03,573 --> 01:14:05,509
Disgusting! Right, men!
1250
01:14:05,742 --> 01:14:08,443
The hunt is on.
Let us kneel in prayer.
1251
01:14:09,813 --> 01:14:10,847
Oh, Lord...
1252
01:14:11,615 --> 01:14:14,584
Oh, Lord, we beseech thee,
1253
01:14:14,618 --> 01:14:18,588
tell us who croaked
the Bishop of Leicester.
1254
01:14:31,800 --> 01:14:35,071
The one in the braces,
he done it.
1255
01:14:43,580 --> 01:14:46,249
It's a fair cop,
but society is to blame.
1256
01:14:46,282 --> 01:14:47,717
Right,
we'll arrest them instead!
1257
01:14:47,951 --> 01:14:49,285
Come on, you!
1258
01:14:49,318 --> 01:14:51,955
Are you in society?
Are you in society?
1259
01:14:51,987 --> 01:14:54,157
All things bright
and beautiful--
1260
01:14:54,190 --> 01:14:56,225
Right, we'd like to conclude
this arrest with a hymn.
1261
01:14:56,993 --> 01:14:59,929
All things bright and beautiful
1262
01:14:59,963 --> 01:15:02,832
All creatures great and small
1263
01:15:02,866 --> 01:15:05,234
All things wise and wonderful...
1264
01:15:07,971 --> 01:15:10,239
I never wanted to be
in such a shambolic sketch.
1265
01:15:16,980 --> 01:15:18,246
I always wanted...
1266
01:15:19,648 --> 01:15:20,950
to be a lumberjack!
1267
01:15:28,725 --> 01:15:30,860
Leaping from tree to tree...
1268
01:15:32,929 --> 01:15:36,900
as they float down the mighty
rivers of British Columbia!
1269
01:15:38,968 --> 01:15:44,941
The larch! The redwood!
The mighty sequoia!
1270
01:15:45,742 --> 01:15:47,911
With my best girl by my side!
1271
01:15:50,680 --> 01:15:53,216
The giant deadwood!
The spruce!
1272
01:15:55,785 --> 01:15:58,087
The little Californian
root tree!
1273
01:16:00,389 --> 01:16:04,661
We'd sing, sing, sing!
1274
01:16:07,664 --> 01:16:10,666
I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK
1275
01:16:10,700 --> 01:16:13,770
I sleep all night
and I work all day
1276
01:16:13,803 --> 01:16:16,339
He's a lumberjack and he's OK
1277
01:16:16,371 --> 01:16:19,342
He sleeps all night
and he works all day
1278
01:16:19,375 --> 01:16:22,145
I cut down trees
I eat my lunch
1279
01:16:22,178 --> 01:16:24,880
I go to the lavatory
1280
01:16:24,914 --> 01:16:27,684
On Wednesdays I go shopping
1281
01:16:27,717 --> 01:16:30,585
and have buttered scones
for tea
1282
01:16:30,787 --> 01:16:33,757
He cuts down trees
he eats his lunch
1283
01:16:33,790 --> 01:16:35,959
He goes to the lavatory
1284
01:16:36,225 --> 01:16:38,928
On Wednesdays he goes shopping
1285
01:16:38,962 --> 01:16:41,865
And has buttered scones for tea
1286
01:16:42,198 --> 01:16:44,768
I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK
1287
01:16:44,968 --> 01:16:47,637
I sleep all night
and I work all day
1288
01:16:47,904 --> 01:16:50,773
I cut down trees
I skip and jump
1289
01:16:50,807 --> 01:16:53,309
I like to press wild flowers
1290
01:16:53,342 --> 01:16:56,112
I put on women's clothing
1291
01:16:56,145 --> 01:16:59,082
And hang around in bars
1292
01:16:59,115 --> 01:17:02,118
He cuts down trees
he skips and jumps
1293
01:17:02,151 --> 01:17:04,788
He likes to press wild flowers
1294
01:17:04,821 --> 01:17:07,657
He puts on women's clothing
1295
01:17:07,691 --> 01:17:10,059
And hangs around in bars?
1296
01:17:12,395 --> 01:17:14,397
I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK
1297
01:17:14,430 --> 01:17:17,333
I sleep all night
and I work all day
1298
01:17:17,366 --> 01:17:20,103
I cut down trees
I wear high heels
1299
01:17:20,136 --> 01:17:22,806
Suspenders and a bra
1300
01:17:22,839 --> 01:17:25,675
I wish I'd been a girlie
1301
01:17:25,709 --> 01:17:28,443
Just like my dear papa
1302
01:17:28,477 --> 01:17:31,748
He cuts down trees
he wears high heels
1303
01:17:31,781 --> 01:17:34,050
Suspenders and a bra?
1304
01:17:34,083 --> 01:17:37,420
What kind of goddam pervert
are you, you lousy commie?
1305
01:17:37,452 --> 01:17:38,855
Fairy faggot!
1306
01:17:42,458 --> 01:17:45,228
I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK
1307
01:17:45,261 --> 01:17:48,164
I sleep all night
and I work all day
1308
01:17:48,197 --> 01:17:53,669
I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK...
94166
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