All language subtitles for Everybody.Loves.Raymond.S02E13.Civil.Wars.720p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-BS

- Hello?

Anybody home?

- Oh.
[muttering]

- Raymond?

Hello?

[clattering]

- Hey.

- Raymond,
what are you doing?

- I'm--I'm playing

Hide-and-seek
with the kids here.

- Oh, hide-and-seek.
Move over.

[laughs]

What's this?

- Oh, that's the invitation

To tom and marianne's
baby shower this weekend.

Why is it addressed
to both of us?

- 'cause you're invited too.
It's for couples.

- Well, since when does the guy
have to go to that?

Oh, come on.

They're screwing
with nature now.

- Well, you know,
it's their first baby.

They're still excited.

We hope each of our guests
will make a presentation."

- What?

- "you can recite a poem,
do a skit.

The proud parents will tape it
as a tribute for the child."

- Tribute?

Oh, who's she's got
in there, gandhi?

- I can't go by myself.

You got to come with me.

- [groans]

- Debra, I got the twins down,

And I made your bed,
and I hung up some clothes.

I tell you so you
won't be shocked later.

[men shouting]

- What is that?

- Huzzah! Huzzah!

- It's my dad
and his crazy friend harry,

And they're running
at our house.

- Marie, water.

- What are you doing, dad?

- Attacking your house.

- Harry got your father back
into the civil war reenacting.

- Damn glad I did.

I'm proud to lead
this beautiful bastard

Into battle.

- So you're one of those guys

Who, like, gets dressed up
in uniforms

And recreates battles and...

- I like war.

- Your father's a lieutenant.

- It's make-believe, ma.

He could be lincoln
if he wanted to.

- Ah, miss marie.

- Hello, harry.

- Please, ma'am,
call me jeb.

- Oh, well.

Hello, jeb.

- You are a sight
for sore eyes.

- And mine
are pretty sore.

- Dad, what are you getting back
into this now for?

- Next weekend
is our big 25th anniversary.

We're reenacting
our reenactment

Of the battle of gettysburg.

Clink!

- Hey, ray, about next weekend,
I was wondering--

- Wait a minute. Whoa, whoa.
4:00 already.

I got to call that guy.
The darn guy. Darn it.

- What guy?

- The darn guy about the thing
with the, uh--

The other guy.

Get in here.

- Good cover, ray.
You're brilliant at this.

- My father's about to ask me
to go to this war thing.

What am I gonna do?

- Well, you tell him
you can't do it.

- I can't just turn him down.
Look how excited he is.

No.
No.

I got to tell him
I'm going somewhere else.

- Well, you are going
somewhere else.

You're going
to the baby shower.

- Oh, god.

Hey, what if I tell him

I'm going
to the baby shower, right?

He goes to his thing,
you go to your thing,

And I make sure
that things are good here.

- Hey, no.

- Uh, hey, ray,
we're gonna get going,

But I wanted to ask you
about next weekend.

- Yeah, next weekend
I'm going to a baby shower.

- What?

- Yeah.
It's for couples.

- Well, I was gonna ask you,
since I'm gonna be at war,

If you wouldn't mind
taking out my recyclables.

- That's what
you wanted to ask me?

- Yeah.

Hey, you know what my son's
doing while I'm out fighting?

He's going
to a baby shower.

- Oh, yeah?

Back in civil war days,

We had names
for guys like you.

They're pretty much
like the names

We have for you today.

- All right.
This house is secure.

I want lunch!

- May I escort you
across the street, miss marie?

- Thank you, jeb.
What a gentleman.

- Hey, if you're gonna act
like you're stealing her away,

Don't tease me.

Steal her away!

Have a nice shower, nancy.

I was thinking about
what we could do

For our presentation
for the baby shower.

- Oh, I was thinking
about that too.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

Here's what I was thinking.

We could get up there
right in front of everybody--

And then I put an ax
through my head, all right?

Then you do
the presentation by yourself

Because, thank god,
I'm dead.

- You know,
as much as I like that,

It's gonna be tough
to follow.

- Please, don't make me go.

- Look, as bad as this shower
might be,

It doesn't even compare
to your dad's civil war thing.

Think about
your poor brother.

- Yeah.

Why?

- 'cause he's going to it.

I mean, can you imagine
being stuck in a tent

With your dad?

That's where
you need the ax.

- Wait a minute.
Robert's going to this thing?

- Yeah.

- My dad asked him to go?

- Uh, yeah.
Your mom told me.

- What, robert's so great?

- No, I don't think that--

- And I get the recycling.

He doesn't even ask me.

I mean, my father should ask me,
shouldn't he?

Why didn't he ask?

- Well, would you have gone?

- Of course not.

But why does he want robert
to go and not me?

What's wrong with me?

- Ray, I didn't know
that you'd be feeling so--

Wait a minute.

You're not acting all hurt

Just so I'll tell you
you should go with your dad

So that you can get out
of the baby shower, are you?

- I'm not that smart.

Hey.

- Hey.
- Mm.

- Whoa, man.

It's pretty cold out there.

What is that, breakfast?

- An authentic
civil war breakfast.

- Your mother
makes a hell of a jerky.

- Yeah, you could swear
this was made in 1863, huh?

- So you guys, you're really
looking forward

To this reenactment thing, huh?

- Hey, can't wait.

Violence without paperwork.

- So I guess everybody
who signed up,

What are they,

They're already
signed up already?

- Yeah.
Why?

- I don't know.

- What are you saying?

You want to go
to the reenactment?

- You asking me?

- You want to go?

- I don't know.
You asking me?

- If I ask you,
would you go?

- Are you asking raymond?

- I don't know.
Does he want to go?

- Why are you asking me?

- I don't--
do you want to go?

- All right, all right,
I'll go!

Thank you for asking.

- All right,
I got to go over to harry's

And tell him we need
another uniform.

- Can't you call him?

- No.

In his world, the phone
won't be invented

For another 13 years.

- What?

- You really want
to do this, huh?

- Well, you're going.

- Do you have any idea
what you're getting into?

- Well, yeah.
Yeah.

- No bed,

No heat,

No shower.

Weather report
for next weekend:

Snow.

- All right.

- Meals are hardtack, jerky,

And whatever water
you can wring out of your socks.

- Oh, so you're this
big civil war freak now

Just 'cause dad asked you
to go first, right?

- He didn't ask me.

- What?

- He didn't ask me.

Since when does dad ask us
to do anything with him?

I had to enlist.

- Oh, god,
I don't believe this!

I only did this because--

- Because you thought
he asked me and not you.

And now you have to go.

[cackles]

Hey, better bring
a newspaper.

- They had newspapers then.

- They didn't have
toilet paper.

- Debra.
- Hmm?

- "newsday" or "usa today"...

Which is softer?

- I don't know.

- I'll bring 'em both.

I'll read one of 'em.

- What's all that stuff?

I got to go over to my father's
house tomorrow and get ready.

- Oh, what are you bringing?

- Essentials.
You know, stuff for war.

- Rice krispie treats?

I don't think they had those
in the civil war.

- I never read that anywhere.

- Itty bitty book light?

- Yeah, all right.
Take it easy, okay?

I got to get ready.

- What do you mean?
It's a week away.

I thought you were dreading
this thing.

- I am dreading it,

The war part.

- The war part.
What else is there?

- Well, there's my father.

You know,
it's the weirdest thing.

At first, I just wanted
to get asked,

But, you know, we never
did stuff together, me and him.

Now I just--I kind of want
to go with him.

- Really?
- Yeah.

War makes people
do crazy things.

Hello?

- Hey, ray, we're down here
in the basement.

- Yeah, come on down, ray.

Check your skirt
at the door.

- Hey, did harry
drop off my uniform?

- He's on his way over now.

I was just about
to show robert

How to act
when you get shot.

- What, like upset?

- No.
No, it's got to be realistic.

Here.
Here, let me show you.

Robert, make a gunshot noise.

- What caliber, .22 or--
what are you, .45?

- Ray.
- Bang.

- [groans]

I'm hit.

Keep fighting, men.

Kill those rebel bastards.

Abigail.

Dear abigail,

My pretty, young,

Non-nagging
civil war wife.

Oh, abigail.

See?

Getting shot is fun.

- Not if you're watching.

- Oh, here, I think I pulled
everything I have.

Give me a hand.

- Come on.
- There you go.

You all right, dad?

- Sure, sure.
Thanks.

See?

That's what the civil war
is about,

Families coming together...

- To kill other families.

- Amen.

- Hey, you know
what just occurred to me?

If someone really dies,

You don't find out about it
till the car ride home.

- Look at this.

Look at this
old pocket knife.

It's got initials on it: A.B.

Who's a.B.?

- Albert barone, my father.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

- Oh, yeah?
He gave that to you?

- Yeah, yeah.

- It's pretty cool.

When?
When did he give you this?

- Yeah, we were always camping,
hiking, canoeing.

Guess he gave it to me
on one of those trips.

- Oh, yeah?
Hey, this is history.

I can take this
on the reenactment with me.

- No, no.

They had no knives like this
during the civil war.

Everything has to be
completely authentic.

- Yeah.
- See these pants?

No zipper.

- Good luck with that.

- Good morning, men.

- Morning, sir!
- Morning, sir!

- Hi.

- You'll be pleased to know
that the battlefield is ours.

The carnival and the petting zoo
have moved on.

- Huzzah!
- Huzzah!

- Here's your uniform.

- Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

This is a different color.

- You didn't tell him?

- Oh, yeah.

The south's short a few guys,

So you're gonna have
to fight on their side.

- [cackles]

- South?

Come on, I don't want
to fight on the south.

I want to be with you guys
at this thing.

- A rebel in a union camp?

That is out
of the question, soldier.

- I'm not a rebel!

Come on.
I don't know those guys.

I'm gonna be all shy.

- Don't make me slap you.

- I'm never gonna pass
for a southerner, okay?

What if they
hear me talk?

- Maybe they'll hang you
as a spy.

- Robert,
want to give me a hand?

I have a cannon
in the trunk of my car.

- Sir, yes, sir!

Robert, talk to this guy,
will you?

Come on, I don't want to fight
for the south.

I can't eat grits
and say "y'all."

- I like you on the other side.

It's more authentic.

Brother against brother.

[whistling "the battle hymn
of the republic"]

- Oh, my feet are killing me.

I think these boots
are a size too small.

On the bottom
of my right boot?

- "left."

- Oh, crap.
What's it say on the other one?

- Guess.

- All right, help me off
with them, will you?

- Hey, dad, are you sure

I can't be
on your side at this thing?

- I told you, the south's
a few guys short.

Look, try yanking
from the heel, okay?

- You know, I kind of thought

I'd be on your side
on this thing, you know,

With you.

- Look, I know
what you're worried about.

If we should come
face-to-face out there,

I'll just shoot you
in the hand, all right?

Aah!
You're twisting.

What's the matter with you?

- Look, either I'm on your side
on this thing,

Or I'm not gonna go, okay?

- You can't desert now.

- There's no desert, dad.

There's no war here!

It's just dressing up
in costumes

Like it's Halloween,

With your friend harry/jeb.

- You shut up now.

This means something to us.

There's camaraderie here.

There's spirit.

You don't understand anything
about this.

You have no idea
what it feels like

To stand on a battlefield

Pretending to fight
for something you believe in.

- Look, I'm not talking
about that, dad, okay?

- Then why do you want to go?

- Believe it or not,
to be with you.

Why can't you do something
with me for once?

- What are you talking about?
We do stuff.

- What? What do we do, dad?
What? What do we ever do?

- I can't believe
you're giving me all this grief

Just because you're not
on my side in this thing.

I'm sorry I asked you to go.

- You didn't ask me to go.

- Yes, I did.
- No, you didn't.

- I said, "do you want to go?"

- Yeah, you said,
"do you want to go?"

Not, "do you want to go
because I want you to go?"

- Oh, my god.

You are gonna
get passed around the campfire

Like a bag of chips.

- All right.
Forget about it, then.

Forget it.
I won't go.

All right.

You know, I just--
I thought maybe you--

We could do something
together for once,

You know, like you did
with your father.

- What are you talking about?
- What do you mean?

What do you mean
what am I talking about?

Didn't you just tell me
he gave you the knife?

He took you hunting
and fishing and canoeing.

Didn't you just
tell me that, dad?

Or what,
is that all pretend too?

It is.
It is, isn't it?

- Are you gonna help me off
with the damn boots or what?

- Turn.
Turn the foot, dad.

Turn your foot.

- You know,

I tried to be better than him.

- I know, dad.
I know.

- Look, you're good at that,
aren't you,

Doing stuff
with your kids?

- I'm all right.

I could be better too.

You know, but they'll probably
be better with their kids,

So we're on
the right track here.

Your great, great grandchildren

Will probably
be excellent parents.

- Yeah.

So are you gonna
come to this thing

With me or not?

- All right.
Stop asking.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Come here. Come here.

I got to teach you
the civil war handshake.

- Dad.
- Here, not like that.

You got to clasp forearms
like this.

- Right.
- It's stronger.

- Like this here?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

You know, you're shaking hands
with a confederate here.

- Yeah, you don't have
much of a grip there, nancy.

[both laugh]

- Debra?
Debra, you've got to see this.

Come on.

- We're just here
to say farewell to our kinfolk.

- Ray, your ride's here.

[all chuckling]

- Listen, if I don't come back,

It's 'cause I died
of embarrassment.

- [with a southern accent]
well, I do declare,

You look so very fine
in your uniform.

I believe I've got the vapors.

[chuckles]

- Where were you last night?

- Come on.

I don't want them
to start without us.

- That's right.

All the good killing's
in the first five minutes.

- Hey, kids, when I come back
from the war,

We're gonna go
to the happy zone, right?

- I hope you win, daddy.

- Don't bet on it, kid.

Ray, sign this card
for the baby shower.

- Oh, sorry.
Got to go.

What am I gonna tell
tom and marianne?

- Frankly, my dear...

I don't give a damn.

[sweeping orchestral music]

- Idiots.

All: Huzzah!

[gunfire]

[all laugh]

- I can't believe
you shot me, robert.

- [laughs]

- Stop talking.
You're ruining it.

- I got to lie here
all afternoon?

- It's got to be authentic.

- What authentic?

Stonewall jackson's
wearing a beeper.

- His wife's pregnant.