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1
00:00:03,445 --> 00:00:05,695
- I can't eat any more.
- Come on. Just a few more bowls.
2
00:00:05,789 --> 00:00:07,088
Mom said we had to
finish the whole thing
3
00:00:07,190 --> 00:00:08,810
before we could cut
the record off the box.
4
00:00:08,882 --> 00:00:10,248
For breakfast back in the '70s,
5
00:00:10,350 --> 00:00:11,983
parents put their trust in any tiger,
6
00:00:12,086 --> 00:00:13,885
Cap'n or chocolate vampire
7
00:00:13,987 --> 00:00:15,620
who'd fill their kids with enough sugar
8
00:00:15,723 --> 00:00:16,922
to send them bouncing out of the house
9
00:00:17,024 --> 00:00:18,423
until the street lights came on.
10
00:00:18,525 --> 00:00:20,926
- Mornin', gents.
- Hey, you want some cereal?
11
00:00:21,028 --> 00:00:23,195
- What record's on the box?
- "Sugar, Sugar" by the Archies.
12
00:00:23,297 --> 00:00:24,629
Get back to me when it's Zeppelin.
13
00:00:24,698 --> 00:00:26,164
I just walked by Mom and Dad's door.
14
00:00:26,266 --> 00:00:27,866
Lots of whispering going on.
15
00:00:27,968 --> 00:00:29,768
Probably a grown-up matter
that's none of our business.
16
00:00:29,870 --> 00:00:31,303
Hmm.
17
00:00:35,109 --> 00:00:37,175
Nowadays, parents tend to
include their little darlings
18
00:00:37,277 --> 00:00:39,177
in every discussion,
no matter how intimate...
19
00:00:39,279 --> 00:00:40,879
drugs, illness, why Mommy
20
00:00:40,981 --> 00:00:42,647
goes on solo trips
with her personal trainer...
21
00:00:42,750 --> 00:00:44,983
But in 1972, my folks practiced
22
00:00:45,085 --> 00:00:47,352
the "none of your beeswax"
approach to parenting.
23
00:00:47,454 --> 00:00:49,488
I'm so nervous. My hands are shaking.
24
00:00:49,590 --> 00:00:51,089
Pretty sure that's the sugar.
25
00:00:51,191 --> 00:00:52,624
Well, we better go find Eddie then.
26
00:00:52,726 --> 00:00:54,326
Bail, bail, bail, bail!
27
00:00:55,591 --> 00:00:58,505
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed
.com
28
00:00:58,565 --> 00:00:59,865
Your mom and I are going out.
29
00:00:59,967 --> 00:01:01,066
You have to keep an eye on the baby.
30
00:01:01,168 --> 00:01:02,134
I'm kind of busy.
31
00:01:02,236 --> 00:01:03,268
Unless that rest of that sentence
32
00:01:03,370 --> 00:01:05,003
is "finding a new place to live," here.
33
00:01:08,575 --> 00:01:10,542
Weekday morning and Dad's missing work?
34
00:01:10,644 --> 00:01:12,778
He didn't even do that
when William was born.
35
00:01:12,880 --> 00:01:15,280
I remember. It hurt my feelings.
36
00:01:15,382 --> 00:01:18,150
And Mom never leaves the house
unless it's an emergency.
37
00:01:18,252 --> 00:01:19,951
Maybe the house is on fire.
38
00:01:20,053 --> 00:01:21,486
No, they'd at least take the baby.
39
00:01:21,588 --> 00:01:23,321
And they'd tell us.
40
00:01:23,423 --> 00:01:24,990
Probably.
41
00:01:25,092 --> 00:01:26,792
We need to get to the bottom of this.
42
00:01:26,817 --> 00:01:27,949
You two, come with me.
43
00:01:27,988 --> 00:01:29,855
- William, stall them.
- How?
44
00:01:29,957 --> 00:01:31,390
Just hold their attention for a minute.
45
00:01:31,492 --> 00:01:33,058
I couldn't even do that by being born.
46
00:01:33,160 --> 00:01:35,093
It's go time. Let's do this.
47
00:01:35,195 --> 00:01:36,895
Oh, um, hey! Hey!
48
00:01:36,997 --> 00:01:39,120
I was wondering if I could
ask you guys something.
49
00:01:39,183 --> 00:01:41,617
- What?
- Uh...
50
00:01:41,719 --> 00:01:46,021
This whole Vietnam quagmire,
I mean, how do we get out of that?
51
00:01:48,025 --> 00:01:49,692
- I'm gonna suffocate!
- You're small.
52
00:01:49,794 --> 00:01:51,861
You don't need much air.
Just keep your ears open.
53
00:01:51,963 --> 00:01:53,329
I can breathe through my ears?
54
00:01:53,431 --> 00:01:55,431
If you get caught,
this is all your idea.
55
00:01:55,533 --> 00:01:58,033
They know I don't have ideas.
56
00:01:58,136 --> 00:01:59,702
That kid is weird.
57
00:01:59,804 --> 00:02:02,104
- He just reads too much.
- Tell him to knock it off.
58
00:02:02,206 --> 00:02:03,439
We'll be back later.
59
00:02:03,541 --> 00:02:05,141
Try not to read while we're gone.
60
00:02:05,241 --> 00:02:06,733
Okay.
61
00:02:08,112 --> 00:02:11,147
No! No, no, no!
Get down, get down, get down!
62
00:02:11,249 --> 00:02:13,382
Looks like another blessing from God.
63
00:02:13,484 --> 00:02:15,050
Mm-hmm.
64
00:02:15,153 --> 00:02:17,553
Maybe you'll finally get
that girl you always wanted.
65
00:02:17,655 --> 00:02:19,155
That'd be nice.
66
00:02:19,257 --> 00:02:21,524
Ran out of boys' names
I liked four kids ago.
67
00:02:21,626 --> 00:02:23,559
Wasn't Pat supposed to be Pete?
68
00:02:23,661 --> 00:02:26,328
I was so loopy on those drugs,
I spelled it wrong.
69
00:02:26,430 --> 00:02:28,664
By the way, I want those drugs again.
70
00:02:28,766 --> 00:02:31,300
Sleeping through it really made
the whole experience special.
71
00:02:31,402 --> 00:02:33,202
Oh, it'll be special either way.
72
00:02:33,304 --> 00:02:35,304
I mean, we're welcoming
another blessed bundle.
73
00:02:35,406 --> 00:02:37,540
Well, Peggy.
74
00:02:37,642 --> 00:02:39,875
False alarm. Sorry to say
you're not expecting.
75
00:02:39,977 --> 00:02:42,178
Yes!
76
00:02:42,280 --> 00:02:43,679
Whoo!
77
00:02:46,284 --> 00:02:49,351
Guess we weren't so happy about
another blessed bundle.
78
00:02:49,453 --> 00:02:51,487
I was happy,
79
00:02:51,589 --> 00:02:56,325
but now I'm happy in
a different... happier way.
80
00:02:58,296 --> 00:03:00,196
How's your day goin', pal?
81
00:03:05,503 --> 00:03:07,236
Come on, hon.
82
00:03:07,338 --> 00:03:09,338
You must be a little relieved.
83
00:03:10,675 --> 00:03:12,441
I am.
84
00:03:12,543 --> 00:03:14,610
You disappointed you're not
gonna get those drugs anymore?
85
00:03:14,712 --> 00:03:16,879
I still have to have that cyst
removed, so I'll get the drugs.
86
00:03:16,981 --> 00:03:18,113
Mm.
87
00:03:18,284 --> 00:03:20,851
No, I'm just surprised.
88
00:03:20,953 --> 00:03:22,586
I thought we both wanted this,
89
00:03:22,688 --> 00:03:24,621
and the truth is, neither of us did.
90
00:03:24,723 --> 00:03:27,157
How many kids have we
been pretending that for?
91
00:03:27,259 --> 00:03:28,825
I'd like to hear your number first
92
00:03:28,928 --> 00:03:30,661
in case it's smaller than eight.
93
00:03:30,763 --> 00:03:32,696
- I'm kidding.
- Is it weird
94
00:03:32,798 --> 00:03:34,531
you and I have never really talked
95
00:03:34,633 --> 00:03:36,333
about how many kids we wanted?
96
00:03:36,435 --> 00:03:38,802
We put more discussion
into buying a new toaster.
97
00:03:38,904 --> 00:03:41,004
Well, a toaster is something
you can do something about.
98
00:03:41,106 --> 00:03:42,472
Kids just happen.
99
00:03:42,574 --> 00:03:44,274
At least for us.
100
00:03:46,545 --> 00:03:47,844
Should've gone with
the four-slice toaster.
101
00:03:47,947 --> 00:03:49,513
I know. I'm kicking myself.
102
00:03:50,616 --> 00:03:53,350
This operation, it's really necessary
103
00:03:53,452 --> 00:03:55,185
or is it one of those scams
like when they wanted
104
00:03:55,287 --> 00:03:57,521
- to take out Eddie's appendix?
- Well, it's a benign cyst,
105
00:03:57,623 --> 00:03:58,822
but I guess it is necessary,
106
00:03:58,924 --> 00:04:01,091
since it's what caused the false alarm.
107
00:04:01,193 --> 00:04:03,472
At least I'll get to be in
the hospital for three days.
108
00:04:03,552 --> 00:04:04,644
Are you worried?
109
00:04:04,714 --> 00:04:08,316
About my house being torn
to pieces while I'm gone.
110
00:04:10,369 --> 00:04:12,002
As long as you'll be okay.
111
00:04:12,104 --> 00:04:13,537
I should be fine.
112
00:04:13,639 --> 00:04:16,006
You heard Doctor Shaff.
113
00:04:16,108 --> 00:04:17,507
It's just a little cyst.
114
00:04:20,389 --> 00:04:23,055
Mom said we're having a little sister!
115
00:04:27,104 --> 00:04:29,166
- Are you sure?
- That's what Mom said.
116
00:04:29,245 --> 00:04:32,221
- A little sister.
- So irresponsible.
117
00:04:32,299 --> 00:04:34,274
Our resources
are overstretched as it is.
118
00:04:34,345 --> 00:04:35,945
Mom and Dad should've
stopped plopping out babies
119
00:04:36,014 --> 00:04:38,381
- three kids ago. Nothing personal.
- No, I get it.
120
00:04:38,483 --> 00:04:40,516
The problem is, they love
each other very much,
121
00:04:40,585 --> 00:04:42,485
and when two people love
each other, babies come.
122
00:04:42,587 --> 00:04:45,021
- Or when they're just bored.
- I like having a little sister.
123
00:04:45,089 --> 00:04:47,623
We can be like Jody and Buffy
on "Family Affair."
124
00:04:47,725 --> 00:04:49,158
They're not really brother and sister.
125
00:04:49,227 --> 00:04:50,860
- They're just actors.
- Yeah, and so fake.
126
00:04:50,962 --> 00:04:52,528
I mean, TV does that all the time.
127
00:04:52,630 --> 00:04:53,763
Kids who look nothing alike
128
00:04:53,865 --> 00:04:55,665
pretending to be the same family.
129
00:04:55,767 --> 00:04:57,900
Guys, I just thought of another problem.
130
00:04:58,002 --> 00:04:59,902
Girls need privacy.
131
00:05:00,004 --> 00:05:02,238
She's gonna need her own room.
132
00:05:02,340 --> 00:05:04,607
Buffy can sleep with Mom.
133
00:05:04,709 --> 00:05:07,209
And Dad can move into our bedroom!
134
00:05:07,311 --> 00:05:09,078
We have to bunk with Dad?
135
00:05:09,180 --> 00:05:10,880
I hate Buffy.
136
00:05:10,982 --> 00:05:13,449
You're right. It's not a great name.
137
00:05:13,551 --> 00:05:15,184
I'm gonna go think of a better one.
138
00:05:15,286 --> 00:05:17,520
I-I think maybe we should run
this by Eddie and Lawrence.
139
00:05:18,656 --> 00:05:22,658
But now that I'm here,
you're glad, right?
140
00:05:24,162 --> 00:05:25,327
Sure.
141
00:05:26,397 --> 00:05:27,563
You're gonna have to step up
142
00:05:27,665 --> 00:05:29,165
feeding those kids while I'm away.
143
00:05:29,267 --> 00:05:31,100
Oh, yeah, you're gonna need
more milk for breakfast.
144
00:05:31,169 --> 00:05:32,702
I just bought eight half-gallons.
145
00:05:32,804 --> 00:05:34,036
It'd be cheaper to buy a cow.
146
00:05:34,138 --> 00:05:35,337
Well, maybe Pat would finally shut up
147
00:05:35,406 --> 00:05:36,639
about that dog he wants.
148
00:05:36,741 --> 00:05:37,840
They like Pop-Tarts and Eggos, too,
149
00:05:37,942 --> 00:05:39,041
but you'll have to toast those...
150
00:05:39,143 --> 00:05:40,276
two at a time.
151
00:05:40,378 --> 00:05:41,510
Okay, there's plenty of stuff in here
152
00:05:41,612 --> 00:05:43,012
for three days worth of dinners.
153
00:05:43,114 --> 00:05:44,814
Monday night is frozen pizza
and tater tots,
154
00:05:44,916 --> 00:05:46,782
but don't give Pat any pizza
until he finishes all his tots.
155
00:05:46,884 --> 00:05:49,552
No way she's expecting.
Pat must've heard wrong.
156
00:05:49,654 --> 00:05:52,288
Plus, doctors can't even tell
it's a girl until it's born.
157
00:05:52,356 --> 00:05:54,523
If Mom was expecting, I would know.
158
00:05:54,625 --> 00:05:56,492
I've got my ear pressed to the ground.
159
00:05:56,561 --> 00:05:58,394
And your nose pressed
to Mom and Dad's butts.
160
00:05:58,496 --> 00:06:00,362
Oh, yeah? Better than you having yours
161
00:06:00,431 --> 00:06:02,431
pressed to their, uh... to their...
162
00:06:02,533 --> 00:06:05,034
To... To their what?
163
00:06:05,103 --> 00:06:06,435
You got nothing.
164
00:06:06,537 --> 00:06:08,137
Yeah, if you guys
are worried about this,
165
00:06:08,239 --> 00:06:09,772
you should just ask Mom.
166
00:06:09,874 --> 00:06:11,207
You know, she's very approachable.
167
00:06:11,309 --> 00:06:12,441
No, we can't ask them.
168
00:06:12,543 --> 00:06:13,876
This is delicate stuff.
169
00:06:13,945 --> 00:06:15,344
They wouldn't tell us the truth anyway.
170
00:06:15,446 --> 00:06:17,079
They think if we have
too much information,
171
00:06:17,181 --> 00:06:19,515
we might rise up against them.
172
00:06:19,617 --> 00:06:21,117
And they're not wrong.
173
00:06:23,187 --> 00:06:25,721
Apparently, Pat has some
cockamamie shrimp allergy,
174
00:06:25,823 --> 00:06:28,357
so if you open a can of that
Chun King Shrimp Chow Mein,
175
00:06:28,459 --> 00:06:29,625
he only gets a small portion.
176
00:06:29,727 --> 00:06:31,193
Allergies.
177
00:06:31,295 --> 00:06:33,329
I don't know where these doctors
come up with this stuff.
178
00:06:33,431 --> 00:06:34,897
You know, Mike,
179
00:06:34,999 --> 00:06:36,565
I've been thinking about
180
00:06:36,667 --> 00:06:39,135
how we don't want another kid right now.
181
00:06:39,237 --> 00:06:40,970
There might be a way
to be smart about it.
182
00:06:41,072 --> 00:06:42,872
Honey, we're not allowed
to be smart about it.
183
00:06:42,950 --> 00:06:43,908
We're Catholics.
184
00:06:43,994 --> 00:06:47,647
Right, but there are some things
we can do and not do.
185
00:06:47,712 --> 00:06:50,513
I hope you're not suggesting
what I think you're suggesting.
186
00:06:50,615 --> 00:06:54,784
Because I like it, and it's
free, so I'm not giving it up.
187
00:06:54,886 --> 00:06:56,552
I like that it's free, too.
188
00:06:56,654 --> 00:06:57,921
We wouldn't have to give anything up.
189
00:06:57,999 --> 00:06:59,989
Just plan ahead and schedule it.
190
00:07:00,091 --> 00:07:02,057
I'll grab the TV Guide.
191
00:07:02,160 --> 00:07:04,860
We can see if there's any duds
on "Carson" next week.
192
00:07:04,962 --> 00:07:06,962
It's about my schedule, not Johnny's.
193
00:07:07,064 --> 00:07:09,198
There's certain days out of the
month where I'm more likely...
194
00:07:09,300 --> 00:07:10,966
Oh, I see where this is going.
195
00:07:11,068 --> 00:07:12,368
You already get the one week off,
196
00:07:12,470 --> 00:07:14,036
and now you want to add black-out days.
197
00:07:14,138 --> 00:07:15,871
I'm trying to stick to
the Church's rules.
198
00:07:15,973 --> 00:07:17,373
If it were up to me,
we could try some of these new
199
00:07:17,475 --> 00:07:19,341
tricks everyone's talking about.
200
00:07:19,443 --> 00:07:21,243
You know, it's not just
rubbers anymore, Mike.
201
00:07:21,345 --> 00:07:25,014
They've got cups and rings
and pills and hoops.
202
00:07:25,116 --> 00:07:27,049
I mean, the Protestants
have a whole magic show
203
00:07:27,151 --> 00:07:29,185
- going on down there.
- And they're having a pretty good time,
204
00:07:29,287 --> 00:07:31,053
- but we know better.
- Do we?
205
00:07:31,155 --> 00:07:32,721
I get it. The Pope wants more Catholics,
206
00:07:32,824 --> 00:07:35,324
but we've already given them
almost a whole baseball team.
207
00:07:36,427 --> 00:07:37,593
Guys! Guys! Guys!
208
00:07:37,695 --> 00:07:39,128
I have fresh intel.
209
00:07:39,230 --> 00:07:41,197
Mom is going away for three days.
210
00:07:41,299 --> 00:07:42,726
Three days?!
211
00:07:42,781 --> 00:07:44,335
Oh, and we're having lasagna on Tuesday.
212
00:07:44,402 --> 00:07:47,039
What? Lasagna is a weekend food.
213
00:07:47,117 --> 00:07:48,316
None of this makes any sense.
214
00:07:48,418 --> 00:07:50,051
Where would Mom go for three days?
215
00:07:50,153 --> 00:07:51,419
And once she's seen the outside world,
216
00:07:51,521 --> 00:07:53,021
why would she ever come back?
217
00:07:53,123 --> 00:07:55,223
They're in the bedroom right now
talking about it.
218
00:07:56,459 --> 00:07:59,027
I feel like I'm sinning just
having this conversation.
219
00:08:01,564 --> 00:08:03,598
I need to go to Confession.
220
00:08:03,700 --> 00:08:05,033
That's a thought.
221
00:08:05,135 --> 00:08:06,634
I'll take this up with Father Dunne.
222
00:08:06,736 --> 00:08:08,169
Maybe there's an option
we haven't thought about...
223
00:08:08,271 --> 00:08:10,438
one they only give you
if you make a fuss.
224
00:08:10,540 --> 00:08:12,674
I'll bet he'll side with
the Pope on this one.
225
00:08:12,776 --> 00:08:14,575
He knows where his bread is buttered.
226
00:08:16,446 --> 00:08:18,479
I-I'm gonna kill you!
227
00:08:18,581 --> 00:08:20,648
- You're choking me to death!
- Take it outside.
228
00:08:25,422 --> 00:08:26,821
Eddie, we're going to Confession.
229
00:08:26,923 --> 00:08:29,290
- Watch the baby.
- I'm on the case.
230
00:08:29,392 --> 00:08:31,025
You don't always have to say
things in a weird way.
231
00:08:31,127 --> 00:08:32,460
Aye aye, Mom!
232
00:08:32,562 --> 00:08:33,895
So, what do we know?
233
00:08:33,997 --> 00:08:35,730
Pat heard something he didn't understand
234
00:08:35,832 --> 00:08:37,932
and Mom's going away for three days.
235
00:08:38,034 --> 00:08:39,867
Don't forget weekday lasagna.
236
00:08:39,970 --> 00:08:42,203
I told you, the lasagna's a blind alley.
237
00:08:42,305 --> 00:08:43,838
And now they're going to Confession
238
00:08:43,940 --> 00:08:45,440
to talk things over with Father Dunne.
239
00:08:45,508 --> 00:08:48,209
Then we need ears inside
that confessional.
240
00:08:48,311 --> 00:08:49,978
It's time.
241
00:08:50,080 --> 00:08:51,646
We'll use the kit.
242
00:08:53,650 --> 00:08:55,016
What kit?
243
00:08:55,841 --> 00:08:57,018
- Wow!
- Wow!
244
00:08:57,120 --> 00:08:58,853
It was Joey's spy kit.
245
00:08:58,955 --> 00:09:00,888
Everything we needed to crack
this case wide-open...
246
00:09:00,991 --> 00:09:02,323
invisible ink, a periscope,
247
00:09:02,392 --> 00:09:03,691
a gun that turned into a camera,
248
00:09:03,793 --> 00:09:05,026
a camera that turned into a gun,
249
00:09:05,128 --> 00:09:07,428
-
and best of all...
- Disguises?!
250
00:09:07,530 --> 00:09:08,830
Okay, where'd you get this?
251
00:09:08,932 --> 00:09:11,199
Deals were made. Grades were changed.
252
00:09:11,267 --> 00:09:12,926
Let's just say if Scotty Stancroft
253
00:09:12,989 --> 00:09:16,771
ever actually becomes a doctor,
I wouldn't let him cut
me open.
254
00:09:16,873 --> 00:09:19,440
Funny story... Scotty Stancroft
actually did become a doctor
255
00:09:19,509 --> 00:09:21,275
and he ended up on "20/20."
256
00:09:28,952 --> 00:09:31,085
I've spotted the subject's car.
257
00:10:12,362 --> 00:10:15,129
We've lived our life
one way for all these years
258
00:10:15,231 --> 00:10:17,899
believing everything the Church
asked us to believe
259
00:10:18,001 --> 00:10:19,467
without too much griping.
260
00:10:19,569 --> 00:10:21,269
And we appreciate that.
261
00:10:21,371 --> 00:10:22,870
We hate the whiners.
262
00:10:22,972 --> 00:10:24,739
I mean, to the extent that we're allowed
263
00:10:24,841 --> 00:10:26,374
to hate any of our flock.
264
00:10:26,476 --> 00:10:28,976
I don't mind all the rules.
265
00:10:29,045 --> 00:10:31,245
You know, it's been great
not having to think too hard
266
00:10:31,347 --> 00:10:34,615
about stuff... just letting
life wash over me.
267
00:10:34,717 --> 00:10:39,687
But now my wife has been
bringing up questions.
268
00:10:39,789 --> 00:10:41,255
Oof, sounds rough.
269
00:10:41,357 --> 00:10:44,258
You're selling me on celibacy
all over again.
270
00:11:15,492 --> 00:11:18,192
- The eagle has landed.
- There's an eagle?
271
00:11:18,294 --> 00:11:19,727
He put the microphone in her purse.
272
00:11:19,829 --> 00:11:21,295
- Then just say that.
- Are you hungry?
273
00:11:21,397 --> 00:11:22,830
Why are you being so mean to me?
274
00:11:22,932 --> 00:11:24,365
You know what? I did skip lunch.
275
00:11:24,467 --> 00:11:25,733
Shh!
276
00:11:25,835 --> 00:11:28,002
- What's she's saying?
- All I'm hearing is static.
277
00:11:28,104 --> 00:11:29,337
Wait.
278
00:11:29,439 --> 00:11:32,507
Someone's talking about the Dodgers.
279
00:11:32,609 --> 00:11:35,143
They're down 4 to 3 in the 7th.
280
00:11:35,245 --> 00:11:38,479
It just feels like abstinence
isn't realistic for us.
281
00:11:38,581 --> 00:11:41,149
The man, God bless him,
can't get enough of me.
282
00:11:41,251 --> 00:11:42,984
I want to be a good Catholic,
but after eight kids,
283
00:11:43,086 --> 00:11:44,852
it seems like the Church
owes me some wiggle-room.
284
00:11:44,954 --> 00:11:46,554
Uh-huh. I feel like I'm not being heard.
285
00:11:46,656 --> 00:11:48,422
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
286
00:11:48,525 --> 00:11:50,191
How about a few more options?
287
00:11:50,293 --> 00:11:51,759
I mean, is there anything else
the Church is okay with
288
00:11:51,861 --> 00:11:53,261
to help us not have kids?
289
00:11:53,363 --> 00:11:55,029
- Yes!
- Oh, great.
290
00:11:55,131 --> 00:11:57,064
- What is it?
- Oh, uh,
291
00:11:57,167 --> 00:11:59,667
say four Hail Marys and one Our Father.
292
00:11:59,769 --> 00:12:01,169
Well, if that worked,
we wouldn't have Eddie.
293
00:12:01,271 --> 00:12:02,703
- Amazing!
- What?!
294
00:12:02,805 --> 00:12:04,338
Buckner just hit one out!
295
00:12:09,179 --> 00:12:10,611
Why, Peggy!
296
00:12:10,713 --> 00:12:11,879
Oh. Hi, Helen.
297
00:12:11,981 --> 00:12:13,714
- Hi.
- Pretty flowers.
298
00:12:13,816 --> 00:12:15,216
- Yes, they're from my garden.
- Mm.
299
00:12:15,318 --> 00:12:18,019
The Altar Ladies and I
just doing our part.
300
00:12:18,121 --> 00:12:19,587
I'm sure God loves your flowers.
301
00:12:19,689 --> 00:12:21,022
I mean, He made them.
302
00:12:21,124 --> 00:12:22,890
You just killed them
and brought them here.
303
00:12:22,992 --> 00:12:25,126
You know, we haven't seen you
at bingo in a long time.
304
00:12:25,228 --> 00:12:26,928
Maybe you should come by Monday night.
305
00:12:27,030 --> 00:12:29,397
Oh, I'm having an operation on Monday.
306
00:12:29,499 --> 00:12:32,266
Nothing serious.
Just a little ovarian cyst.
307
00:12:32,368 --> 00:12:33,568
- Oh.
- Yeah.
308
00:12:33,670 --> 00:12:34,902
Doctor O'Brien?
309
00:12:35,004 --> 00:12:37,238
- No, Shaff. Why?
- Oh.
310
00:12:37,340 --> 00:12:39,574
Well, perhaps I shouldn't say anything,
311
00:12:39,676 --> 00:12:43,144
but Doctor O'Brien is
a Catholic and a very dear man.
312
00:12:43,246 --> 00:12:44,979
I don't think there will be
much time for small talk.
313
00:12:45,081 --> 00:12:46,747
I'm hoping to be zonked out.
314
00:12:46,849 --> 00:12:48,983
Well, no, what I mean
is if Doctor O'Brien
315
00:12:49,085 --> 00:12:52,119
does the operation,
he can do it in a bigger way
316
00:12:52,222 --> 00:12:56,224
so that a cyst or anything else
can't grow down there.
317
00:12:56,326 --> 00:12:58,626
It's a kindness he does
for Catholic women
318
00:12:58,728 --> 00:13:01,429
who have been blessed with more
than their share of blessings.
319
00:13:01,531 --> 00:13:03,622
Isn't that considered "family planning"?
320
00:13:03,647 --> 00:13:04,676
How could it be?
321
00:13:04,701 --> 00:13:06,500
You're having a necessary operation,
322
00:13:06,603 --> 00:13:08,169
the scope of which is up to the doctor
323
00:13:08,271 --> 00:13:09,837
who uses his best judgment.
324
00:13:09,939 --> 00:13:12,740
That sounds pretty scientific
for the Catholic Church.
325
00:13:12,842 --> 00:13:15,009
Are you sure the Church
is okay with this?
326
00:13:15,111 --> 00:13:17,612
Bonnie Burns actually
spoke to the Bishop
327
00:13:17,714 --> 00:13:19,680
before getting hers, just to be sure.
328
00:13:19,782 --> 00:13:21,482
- Bonnie did this?
- Yes!
329
00:13:21,584 --> 00:13:23,985
All I heard her say is that it's
something Catholic couples do
330
00:13:24,087 --> 00:13:25,353
that Mom thinks is wrong.
331
00:13:25,455 --> 00:13:26,921
And her friend Bonnie Burns did it.
332
00:13:27,023 --> 00:13:28,322
Oh, my God.
333
00:13:28,424 --> 00:13:30,758
That's easy. It's divorce.
334
00:13:30,860 --> 00:13:32,493
- What?
- Absolutely.
335
00:13:32,595 --> 00:13:34,662
Mrs. Burns is that tasty divorcée.
336
00:13:34,764 --> 00:13:36,364
The one who wears hot pants to mass.
337
00:13:36,466 --> 00:13:38,833
She's the reason I sometimes
can't stand up for communion.
338
00:13:38,935 --> 00:13:40,635
Mom and Dad are getting a divorce?
339
00:13:40,737 --> 00:13:43,004
It's the '70s.
Divorce is the new reality.
340
00:13:43,106 --> 00:13:44,772
I don't want them getting a divorce.
341
00:13:44,874 --> 00:13:47,341
The important thing is now
they can compete for our love
342
00:13:47,443 --> 00:13:48,809
instead of the other way around.
343
00:13:48,911 --> 00:13:51,145
Two birthdays, two Christmases.
344
00:13:51,247 --> 00:13:53,014
Maybe a Hanukkah.
345
00:13:53,116 --> 00:13:55,981
I'm picturing Mom ending up with
Mr. Cohen from the dry cleaners.
346
00:13:59,278 --> 00:14:00,367
Now, all things considered,
347
00:14:00,422 --> 00:14:01,850
I think the Doctor O'Brien version
348
00:14:01,875 --> 00:14:03,266
of the surgery is the way to go.
349
00:14:03,321 --> 00:14:05,555
I can't even believe we're
having this conversation.
350
00:14:06,235 --> 00:14:07,863
Look, you're talking about
letting them take out stuff
351
00:14:07,930 --> 00:14:09,262
they don't have to.
352
00:14:09,332 --> 00:14:11,739
It's barbaric,
and it probably costs extra.
353
00:14:11,841 --> 00:14:13,040
But then we'd be done, Mike.
354
00:14:13,142 --> 00:14:14,775
And we could keep our life
the way it is,
355
00:14:14,877 --> 00:14:17,345
with no "black-out days,"
so we don't have to suffer.
356
00:14:17,447 --> 00:14:18,980
But that's what makes it so sketchy.
357
00:14:19,082 --> 00:14:20,548
You do something fun,
358
00:14:20,616 --> 00:14:22,149
you're supposed to get hit
with a little suffering.
359
00:14:22,251 --> 00:14:24,018
That's the deal. Jesus knew.
360
00:14:24,087 --> 00:14:27,722
He had a nice dinner with his
friends, and the next day, that.
361
00:14:27,824 --> 00:14:29,623
Oh, I told you,
Helen and Bonnie looked into it.
362
00:14:29,692 --> 00:14:31,592
- They say it's fine.
- Helen is a degenerate
363
00:14:31,694 --> 00:14:32,760
with a serious bingo problem,
364
00:14:32,829 --> 00:14:34,562
and Bonnie wore a halter top
to a christening,
365
00:14:34,664 --> 00:14:35,930
so please forgive me
if I don't look to them
366
00:14:36,032 --> 00:14:37,665
- for moral guidance.
- The Bishop himself
367
00:14:37,767 --> 00:14:39,800
- gave Bonnie the thumbs-up.
- Yeah, and I bet she wore that
368
00:14:39,902 --> 00:14:41,836
- halter top when she asked him.
- That halter top really made
369
00:14:41,938 --> 00:14:44,171
- a big impression on you, didn't it?
- It was a christening.
370
00:14:44,273 --> 00:14:46,407
It made it very hard for
the baby to concentrate.
371
00:14:46,509 --> 00:14:48,676
Look, I am struggling
with this stuff, too.
372
00:14:48,745 --> 00:14:50,878
I even prayed on it.
373
00:14:50,980 --> 00:14:53,381
Maybe I need to go back and talk
to Father Dunne some more.
374
00:14:53,449 --> 00:14:55,750
Sure. You and the priest
and the bishop and the doctor...
375
00:14:55,852 --> 00:14:57,485
all these men...
get to have big opinions
376
00:14:57,553 --> 00:14:59,153
about whether or not I have another kid.
377
00:14:59,255 --> 00:15:00,721
No one seems to care what I want!
378
00:15:00,823 --> 00:15:03,557
The only person who's really tried
to support me in this is Helen!
379
00:15:03,659 --> 00:15:05,259
And I don't even like her.
380
00:15:09,866 --> 00:15:11,899
- Can you hear anything?
- More arguing,
381
00:15:12,001 --> 00:15:14,001
but Mom walked out, so we missed it.
382
00:15:17,006 --> 00:15:18,272
Peg.
383
00:15:18,374 --> 00:15:19,507
I hear crying.
384
00:15:19,609 --> 00:15:20,908
Is it Dad or the baby?
385
00:15:21,010 --> 00:15:22,276
Just the baby so far.
386
00:15:27,216 --> 00:15:29,283
Dad's instinct was always
that he should take the lead
387
00:15:29,385 --> 00:15:31,185
in all important family decisions.
388
00:15:31,254 --> 00:15:32,748
- I can handle it.
- It's okay.
389
00:15:32,803 --> 00:15:34,537
Go watch TV or something.
I'll do what I do.
390
00:15:34,639 --> 00:15:36,105
It started to dawn on Dad, however,
391
00:15:36,174 --> 00:15:37,673
that each child they added to the family
392
00:15:37,775 --> 00:15:39,608
meant more responsibility and more work.
393
00:15:39,710 --> 00:15:43,212
And not really for him, but for Mom.
394
00:15:43,314 --> 00:15:44,547
Now Mom's back.
395
00:15:44,615 --> 00:15:46,315
She just took Andy away from Dad, and...
396
00:15:46,417 --> 00:15:48,350
Oh, he just spit on her.
397
00:15:48,419 --> 00:15:50,920
Dad spit on her? Divorce gets ugly.
398
00:15:51,022 --> 00:15:52,121
Sounds like he stopped crying.
399
00:15:52,223 --> 00:15:53,455
Mom put him down in the crib.
400
00:15:53,558 --> 00:15:55,291
Now she's going to the dresser.
401
00:15:55,393 --> 00:15:56,458
She's pulling something out.
402
00:15:59,730 --> 00:16:00,729
She's undressing.
403
00:16:00,831 --> 00:16:02,097
Pull me up! Pull me up! Pull me up!
404
00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:03,899
Pull me up!
405
00:16:04,001 --> 00:16:05,701
A divorce? That's your new theory?
406
00:16:05,770 --> 00:16:08,070
Oh, maybe the baby they were
having earlier today
407
00:16:08,172 --> 00:16:09,838
was them trying to save their marriage.
408
00:16:09,907 --> 00:16:11,707
There's evidence, okay? The arguing,
409
00:16:11,809 --> 00:16:14,743
her going away, her talking
about breaking Church rules.
410
00:16:14,845 --> 00:16:17,780
Face it. We're gonna be
children of a broken home.
411
00:16:17,882 --> 00:16:20,716
- I bet I could get a mini bike out of this.
- I blame Dad.
412
00:16:20,818 --> 00:16:22,151
The way she slaves around here
413
00:16:22,253 --> 00:16:24,286
with no appreciation from anyone but me.
414
00:16:24,388 --> 00:16:26,622
To be fair, Mom's not exactly
a day in the park.
415
00:16:26,691 --> 00:16:27,890
You shut your mouth.
416
00:16:27,992 --> 00:16:29,391
She's a day in the park in spring.
417
00:16:29,493 --> 00:16:31,360
Okay, a lot of issues here.
418
00:16:31,429 --> 00:16:33,629
- Some more disturbing than others.
- Yeah! Really!?
419
00:16:33,731 --> 00:16:34,897
Mom and Dad are splitting up!
420
00:16:34,999 --> 00:16:36,365
We don't know that for sure.
421
00:16:36,467 --> 00:16:37,700
- I just listed all...
- Guys! Guys!
422
00:16:37,802 --> 00:16:39,268
There's an obvious way to find out.
423
00:16:39,337 --> 00:16:41,170
Ah, yes, by breaking into divorce court
424
00:16:41,272 --> 00:16:43,072
and rifling through the files.
We'll have to steal a lamp
425
00:16:43,174 --> 00:16:44,573
or something to make it look
like a burglary,
426
00:16:44,675 --> 00:16:45,808
but once we get our hands...
427
00:16:45,910 --> 00:16:48,644
Or we could just ask Mom and Dad.
428
00:16:48,713 --> 00:16:51,914
Honest, regular talking without
any subterfuge or spying.
429
00:16:53,284 --> 00:16:54,917
I-I don't understand.
430
00:16:55,019 --> 00:16:56,852
How are you not in jail yet?
431
00:16:56,921 --> 00:16:58,954
I can pass any lie detector test.
432
00:17:01,058 --> 00:17:02,424
That didn't work, did it?
433
00:17:02,526 --> 00:17:03,525
Maybe next time.
434
00:17:03,628 --> 00:17:05,928
We need to have a family meeting.
435
00:17:06,030 --> 00:17:08,230
About what?
Where I'm gonna bury your body?
436
00:17:08,332 --> 00:17:09,462
I was watching that.
437
00:17:09,486 --> 00:17:11,201
They just want to know
what's happening around here.
438
00:17:11,202 --> 00:17:12,935
I just want to know what's
happening on "Banacek."
439
00:17:13,037 --> 00:17:14,937
They've been hearing a lot
of whispering and arguing.
440
00:17:15,039 --> 00:17:16,739
Are you and Mom talking about divorce?
441
00:17:16,841 --> 00:17:18,907
I wouldn't talk to your father
about divorce.
442
00:17:19,010 --> 00:17:21,310
I'd just hightail it to Tijuana
and send him the papers.
443
00:17:21,412 --> 00:17:23,612
Very sensible. That's why I married you.
444
00:17:23,714 --> 00:17:25,047
I'm going to Tijuana with Mom.
445
00:17:25,149 --> 00:17:27,283
- I want to live with Dad.
- Who invited you?
446
00:17:27,385 --> 00:17:28,851
- Mom?
- Eh...
447
00:17:28,953 --> 00:17:30,719
Let's all calm down.
There's no point in taking sides
448
00:17:30,788 --> 00:17:32,121
- when we don't even know...
- I choose Dad!
449
00:17:32,223 --> 00:17:33,789
I want Mom!
Mostly because of her spaghetti.
450
00:17:33,891 --> 00:17:35,257
Nobody likes a suck-up.
451
00:17:35,359 --> 00:17:36,859
But you will be getting
an extra meatball.
452
00:17:36,961 --> 00:17:38,494
- Yes!
- Let me just say
453
00:17:38,562 --> 00:17:40,462
I completely support this life decision
454
00:17:40,564 --> 00:17:43,632
and will be happy to divide my
time between the both of you.
455
00:17:43,734 --> 00:17:46,435
Also, my love can be purchased
for the price of one mini bike.
456
00:17:46,537 --> 00:17:49,438
I just want to be clear that in
the event of a divorce,
457
00:17:49,540 --> 00:17:51,407
- I don't want any of you.
- You're not sticking them with me.
458
00:17:51,509 --> 00:17:53,575
First thing I'd do is dump
all of you at juvie hall,
459
00:17:53,678 --> 00:17:56,845
get myself a bachelor pad like Banacek.
460
00:17:56,947 --> 00:17:58,380
- Can I come?
- Absolutely.
461
00:17:58,482 --> 00:18:00,549
Look, I don't know where
you clowns got this crap,
462
00:18:00,651 --> 00:18:02,141
but your mother and I are not
getting any divorces.
463
00:18:02,165 --> 00:18:03,155
Honestly.
464
00:18:03,180 --> 00:18:05,345
- Really?
- If we did, it's important to know
465
00:18:05,423 --> 00:18:07,690
that it would be entirely your fault.
466
00:18:07,792 --> 00:18:10,659
- You mean us kids?
- No, you specifically.
467
00:18:11,996 --> 00:18:14,229
He's kidding.
468
00:18:14,332 --> 00:18:16,131
You'd all be to blame.
469
00:18:16,233 --> 00:18:18,067
Your father and I were blissfully happy
470
00:18:18,169 --> 00:18:20,502
before you animals came along,
and we won't let you beat us.
471
00:18:20,604 --> 00:18:23,038
No way. We are Catholics.
472
00:18:23,140 --> 00:18:24,640
We hang in until the bitter end.
473
00:18:24,742 --> 00:18:26,208
Until one of us stands
over the other one
474
00:18:26,310 --> 00:18:28,043
and watches them die.
475
00:18:28,145 --> 00:18:30,179
Oh, honey, so romantic.
476
00:18:30,281 --> 00:18:31,947
I mean it, Peg.
477
00:18:32,049 --> 00:18:34,983
Well, maybe we can avoid
any confusion in the future
478
00:18:35,086 --> 00:18:37,086
if you guys were a little bit
more open with us.
479
00:18:37,188 --> 00:18:38,487
Okay.
480
00:18:38,556 --> 00:18:42,091
Well, maybe there is
one thing you should know.
481
00:18:42,193 --> 00:18:44,660
I'm gonna be having
an operation on Monday.
482
00:18:44,762 --> 00:18:45,661
What?
483
00:18:45,763 --> 00:18:46,962
I'm gonna be fine.
484
00:18:47,064 --> 00:18:48,297
I'm gonna be gone for three days,
485
00:18:48,399 --> 00:18:49,798
and then I'm coming back.
486
00:18:49,900 --> 00:18:52,000
As tempting as the sweet
rest of death might be.
487
00:18:52,103 --> 00:18:54,002
What about all the arguing we heard?
488
00:18:54,105 --> 00:18:56,505
Oh, you know how your mom gets...
489
00:18:56,607 --> 00:18:59,408
when I'm being pig-headed.
490
00:18:59,510 --> 00:19:01,744
There was this important
decision we were trying to make
491
00:19:01,846 --> 00:19:06,615
that... well, it turns out is
mostly not my decision at all.
492
00:19:06,717 --> 00:19:08,951
It's hers.
493
00:19:09,053 --> 00:19:12,154
I was wrong, but your mom
forgives me, right?
494
00:19:13,524 --> 00:19:15,090
Yes, I do.
495
00:19:16,927 --> 00:19:20,129
See, no divorce.
496
00:19:20,231 --> 00:19:23,799
Turn on "Banacek" and get out.
497
00:19:23,901 --> 00:19:25,601
This was a big deal...
498
00:19:25,703 --> 00:19:27,636
my mom and dad opening up
with personal details
499
00:19:27,738 --> 00:19:29,304
and feelings like never before...
500
00:19:29,407 --> 00:19:31,974
Um, so, the surgery you're having.
501
00:19:32,076 --> 00:19:34,443
- What kind of operation is it?
- Well, funny you should ask.
502
00:19:34,545 --> 00:19:35,844
It's a None-Of-Your-Business-ectomy.
503
00:19:35,946 --> 00:19:37,012
Now, beat it!
504
00:19:37,114 --> 00:19:38,647
And then, right back to normal.
505
00:19:42,610 --> 00:19:43,930
Weirdos.
506
00:19:44,916 --> 00:19:47,087
- Mommy?
- Yeah, Pat?
507
00:19:47,173 --> 00:19:50,329
I've been thinking a lot
about my new baby sister.
508
00:19:50,423 --> 00:19:52,423
- Baby sister?
- I named her Kathy.
509
00:19:52,492 --> 00:19:54,177
It's a lot better name than Buffy.
510
00:19:54,240 --> 00:19:55,760
Neither one is great.
511
00:19:55,862 --> 00:19:57,361
But listen,
512
00:19:57,430 --> 00:19:59,530
I don't know if you'll be
getting a baby sister, Pat.
513
00:19:59,599 --> 00:20:01,599
But I really, really want one.
514
00:20:01,667 --> 00:20:04,034
See, I already got Kathy a present.
515
00:20:04,137 --> 00:20:05,236
Pinky Bear.
516
00:20:05,338 --> 00:20:06,637
I want to give her to Kathy
517
00:20:06,706 --> 00:20:08,606
so she won't feel alone
being the only girl.
518
00:20:08,708 --> 00:20:11,675
Aww, that's very generous of you.
519
00:20:11,778 --> 00:20:15,513
If Kathy does show up one day,
I'll see that she gets this.
520
00:20:15,615 --> 00:20:17,148
Thanks, Mom.
521
00:20:20,286 --> 00:20:21,485
You ready for bed?
522
00:20:21,587 --> 00:20:23,187
Yeah.
523
00:20:23,289 --> 00:20:28,225
And, um, I've made a decision
about the operation on Monday.
524
00:20:29,462 --> 00:20:32,029
Okay.
525
00:20:32,131 --> 00:20:33,497
Good.
526
00:20:35,601 --> 00:20:37,034
What are you doing with Pat's bear?
527
00:20:37,136 --> 00:20:38,869
Oh, I've been trying to get this
528
00:20:38,971 --> 00:20:40,882
grimy thing away from him for months.
529
00:20:43,698 --> 00:20:47,433
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed
.com
40449