All language subtitles for Married.With.Children.S06E21.Teacher.Pets.DVDRip.XviD-SAiNTS

- Daddy, do I have to watch this?
- Yes, you do.

As your father, when I find
something of quality...

...I feel it's my responsibility
that my child reap the benefits.

TV is not all trash.

And now, back to Psycho Dad.

A little touched
Or so we're told

He killed his wife
Because she had a cold

- Might as well, she was getting old
- Getting old

Psycho Dad
Psycho Dad

Psycho Dad

He's quick with a gun
And his job ain't done

Killed three wives by 21
He's Psycho Dad

This is why we must give to PBS.

Oh, I'm so sick.

Can someone get me some water?

You know where the kitchen is.

Or maybe you don't.

Daddy, she is sick. She needs help.

Mom, the kitchen's over there
somewhere.

All right, fine. Be that way.

But I hope you realize,
the longer I stay sick...

...the longer it'll be before
I do any housework around here.

Oh, gee, Peg.

But we can still have sex, can't we?

Mom, Dad, Grandma.

A weird thing happened to me
at school.

My English teacher, Miss McGowen,
she was looking at me.

She looked right at you?
Is she all right?

Listen, Craftmatic Adjustable Girl...

...I know the look.

I get it plenty as I parade
the total package around town.

It's the look that says, "You've got
it all and I want a piece of it."

I've seen that look a thousand times
on a thousand faces.

And I saw it again today.

I'm not kidding. It was desire.
Desire, I tell you.

Well, the great thing is that
you're at your sexual peak.

This is it, Bud. "She looked at me."

Yeah, that was the top of the hill.
The supreme moment.

Something to tell your cats about
when you're 60.

You know, when you think they're
looking at you, but they only want food.

You know, this is almost too sad
to spread around the mall.

Yep, almost.

It is possible she looked at me.
Isn't it, Dad?

Bud, didn't I take you to Little League
when you were 8?

- Yes.
- Then what do you want from me?

See, I told you he wouldn't
have a date.

- Now go ahead and ask him.
- All right.

Hey, we're on our way
to Chuck E. Cheese...

...and we'd be honored
if you'd go with us.

We don't want you to think that we're
taking you somewhere out of pity.

- It's really a happening place, right?
- Oh, yeah. As the kids say:

"It's uptight, out of sight,
and everything'll be all right!"

You can pretend it's your birthday
and we'll get you a Chuck E. Ducky.

It makes bath time fun.

What does it look like I am,
the kid in Mask?

I am popular.

You get that, people? Popular.

Now can I get a
"Whoa, Bud is popular"?

How about a "Whoa, shoot the boy"?

I see. Well, get a load of this.

Today at school, a teacher was
looking at me like I was breakfast.

- What do you think of that, D'Arcy?
- I think that deserves an extra topping.

She was looking at me.
She was, she was.

She was looking at me
like Mrs. D'Arcy used to look at me.

You mean like this?

Well, yeah, but it was even more
bold with desire.

All right, a commercial's on now,
I guess I have to get into this.

What are you people trying to do,
ruin my boy's confidence?

Now, if he says a teacher looked at
him, I say a teacher looked at him.

Son, was this a female teacher?

Yes, Dad.

- Seriously?
- Yes.

All right, then, let's celebrate.

You sit right down here
and you watch TV.

Listen, is that Chuck E. Cheese
place good?

We were only going to do it for the boy
because he was alone on Friday night.

Well, I'm alone on Friday night too.

Well, gee, Al, it's too bad that the
Hair Club for Men isn't a real club, eh?

Take me to Chuck E. Cheese.
You were gonna take Bud.

Don't make me beg. Come on.

Well, Bud, I guess
it's just you and me.

My boy and his sick mother...

...who nursed you
when you were a baby...

...who fed you and nurtured you
and now all she asks for in return...

...is some soup from Jerry's
and a burger from Don's...

...and a meatball hero
from Tratatorio's...

...and a snow cone from Izzi's
at the airport.

Mom, it's Friday night.

Oh, my mama

To me she was so beautiful

Oh, my mama

- Okay, okay, I'll go.
- That's a good boy.

Get me some tampons too.

Of course.

Gee, Buck, no one loves you
when you're sick.

Come give Mommy a kiss.

Coming next fall, Psycho Mom.

Who's that gal who needs no man

Killed him dead with a frying pan

Did it 'cause he missed the can

Psycho Mom
Psycho Mom

She's Psycho Mom

- On Fox.
- Naturally.

And your next quiz will be on
the complete works of Edgar Allan Poe.

She may not be looking at me now,
but she was too looking at me.

I just know it.

And why not?
Lots of girls look at me.

I know she's looking at me.

Maybe everybody was right.

Why would Miss McGowen
look at me?

Who cares? She's 40.

What would I want
with a 40-year-old woman?

I want that.

I want that bad.

Class dismissed.

Except for you, Mr. Bundy.

What could this be?

I hope she didn't notice me
staring obsessively at her legs.

Mr. Bundy, I've noticed you during
class staring obsessively at my legs.

Well, at least she didn't catch me
looking at other things.

And other things.

Gulp.

Your behavior, Mr. Bundy,
has finally forced me to take action.

I understand, Miss McGowen.
Do what you must.

Aspirin. Honey, give me
an aspirin before I die.

Why me?

What about the old guy
who lives in your room?

Well, if you mean Daddy,
he's at Chuck E. Cheese.

He's been there
every night this week.

Since he discovered
that the pizza's free...

...if he just pretends to be with
whatever kid's having a birthday party.

Well, I guess I have to start walking
a little bit prouder now, eh?

- Give Mommy some aspirin, honey.
- Sure, Mommy.

Hey, Bud, get Mom some aspirin.
Everyone else has a date.

No, Kel, everyone has a date.

Is it hot in here or is it just me?

He's in a suit.
Is there a funeral at school today?

Yes, 'tis the death of Bud Bundy,
lonely boy...

...and the birth of Stud Bundy,
only boy.

I have a date.

A date? Holy Hannah.

Hello, Reverend Felcher?
Has hell frozen over?

Well, something's up.

My brother has a date. Yes, Bud.

I know. I know church is
the place to be at times like this.

I'm coming right over.

Now, you're the building with
the big T on top, right?

- Daddy, the sky is falling.
- It would. Just when I start eating.

Peg, look at this.
Look what I won playing Skee-Ball.

Actually, I was a couple tickets short
so I copped a few...

...from a kid in a stroller
who was too young to tell on me.

Yeah, he can point and cry,
but let's see that hold up in court.

- Son, you gotta come with me.
- Sorry, Dad, I can't...

...because I have two things
you don't have: A date...

...and an ounce of pride.

Son, if you had an ounce of pride...

...you wouldn't lie to us
about having a date.

That must be her now.
A half hour early, I might add.

Well, who can blame her?

Sometimes I can't wait
to touch myself either.

Well, you know what I mean.

I'm afraid we do.

Darlene?

I shall now leave you to your
tissue-and cheese-infested lives.

Word is you've been dating
Miss McGowen.

Yeah, well, I'd hate to deny her this.

Well, what about me?

I mean, I'd like to see you too.

Why? I mean, sure.

- Why?
- Well, I can't help but think...

...you must be quite a lover
if an older woman wants you.

Yeah, well, Miss McGowen...
Dotty and I.

- we have this exclusive thing,
you know...

..."Be true to your schoolmarm"
and all that.

But then, I guess the old lady
can wait for half an hour.

What are you doing?

Little Andy Goldstein's
having a birthday.

Box is empty, but by the time
he finds out, I'll be full and gone.

- Don't you care at all that I'm sick?
- Well, of course I do, honey.

How do you want me to prove it?
You want me to swim a river?

- Climb a mountain? Slay a dragon?
- Bring me an aspirin.

Can't do it, babe.
Gotta go to Chuck E. Cheese.

And that's another thing, Al.

I am tired of you coming to bed
smelling of extra cheese.

I can't believe no one cares.

And now with Bud going out
every night...

...there's never anyone here
to take care of me.

Oh, come on, Peg.

Go on upstairs
and I'll bring you some juice.

This time for real?

Just as soon as you're in bed.

- Well, I'm trusting you.
- You won't be disappointed.

And if you are, I won't be here.

Bud, listen, your mother says
she needs some juice...

...or an aspirin
or something real bad.

- Dad, I'm too tired.
- No pressure. Do it tomorrow.

I'm going out again tomorrow.
In fact, I'm going out again tonight.

- Dad, I need to talk to you.
- Son...

...you know I got
the Goldstein affair tonight.

It'll only take a minute.

I've been seeing two women
at once. It's wearing me out.

I don't know how to juggle
two women.

Did you ever have this problem?

You're talking to old number 33.

You know how I got that number?

Because the most money
you've ever had was 33 cents?

No! Because that's how many
women deep the line was...

...to ride the wild Bundy.

Back in those days,
everybody wanted a piece.

I had anyone to choose from.

But we don't always choose
what's best for us.

And this two-women-juggling thing:

Eventually, the problem is
they both fall down on you.

So save yourself some pain
and pick one.

- What if I pick the wrong one?
- Oh, you will.

No matter who you pick,
it'll be the wrong one.

And not just because you're a Bundy,
because you're a man.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I've gotta get to the party...

...before fat Billy Applebaum
eats all my pizza.

He comes to every one of those
damn parties. All us kids hate him.

Dad, did I mention one of these women
was 40 and my teacher?

No, you did not.

I think she loves me, Dad.

Son, I say this not to hurt,
but to educate.

You see, son, I'm afraid
it may not be you she's after.

I'm afraid she might be after
the vast Bundy fortune.

She wants everything we have!

Dad, I've seen the trunk of her car.
She's got everything we have.

It's still not right.

Son, you got plenty of time to date
40-year-old women when you're 70.

No, wait, wait a minute.
Make that 35 when you're 80.

Yeah, that feels more right to me.

Yep, that's what I want when I'm old:

A drool nurse with luscious honkers
wiping my chin...

...shaking her heinie while she
washes my dentures in the sink.

That's what keeps me going.

That and the 12 pizzas
I've eaten in the last three days.

Thanks, Dad. Once again,
you wow me with your wisdom.

But I've decided
I'm keeping them both.

For once, a Bundy's
gonna have it all.

I guess he'll have to learn for himself
what a rock-solid relationship means.

Al, where's my orange juice?

Florida, I reckon.

Yup, two, two, two babes at once.

God, I envy me.

Hey, did you guys hear the news?

Miss McGowen's dating a student.

She ran off with a football player.

Yeah, she said he was the only one
that could ever satisfy her.

No big thing.

That leaves me more time
to give to the young babe.

Good news, babe.
Now you got me all to yourself.

Drop dead.

If you can't satisfy an older woman
like Miss McGowen...

...what the hell
would I want with you?

Well, let's just see how you feel
when the new teacher gets here.

I haven't seen a temp yet
that didn't need a little loving.

I'm Mrs. A. Mariner...

...and I'll be the new teacher
for the rest of the semester.

And then again, there's always
Chuck E. Cheese with Dad.

Well, the great thing about being at
the bottom is you can't fall any lower.

You cradle-robber!

You, you... Cher!

Maybe it can get worse.

Hey, look, it can.

I just lost control of my bladder.

I know what you want, "Miss Gabor."

You see that house and that Dodge...

...and say, "Some people live like this,
why can't I?"

Well, you can't just take my son,
have your way sexually with him...

...and not expect some repercussions
from a concerned parent.

I played high school football.
I know the score.

Son, are you really going out
with this prune-face?

What strange hold do you have
over the boy?

How many happy homes have
you broken in your thousand years?

Sure, I know my boy
is almost a virgin.

But you can no longer take advantage.
I have called the proper authorities.

There she is.
The strumpet with the blue hair.

I'll tell you something else.
She lied about her age.

Last time she saw 40 was 1840.

I'm sorry I had to do that, son,
but damn it, I love you!

Oh, Bud, Mommy's out of tampons.

Oh, yeah, that's what was missing.

Now, right off, I don't know that man.

You guys are probably thinking,
because he called me son...

...that he was my Dad.

Wait a second. Maybe this is a dream.
Yeah, that's it.

If this were really happening,
I'd have to drop out of college.

I'll wake up any second.

Wake up, Bud.

Oh, I mean, can't you
hear me crying?

Wake me up.

I know. I'll prove it's a dream.

I'll take down my pants...

... and it'll be so embarrassing,
I'll wake up.

I'm even dreaming
I ran out of underwear.

Oh, and son...