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1
00:01:16.954 --> 00:01:19.866
Ladies, does your husband come home
and ask you to cook...
2
00:01:20.740 --> 00:01:22.668
...or clean or care for the children?
3
00:01:22.874 --> 00:01:27.823
We at the law offices of Shirley, Janet
and Patsy can help you.
4
00:01:28.340 --> 00:01:32.824
We say, sue the bastard for stress.
5
00:01:33.354 --> 00:01:39.650
Shirley, Janet and Patsy
got me 2. 5 million.
6
00:01:41.634 --> 00:01:44.307
- Hi, Peg.
- Oh, hi, Al.
7
00:01:44.514 --> 00:01:46.550
- Want some dinner?
- Not tonight, Peg.
8
00:01:46.754 --> 00:01:48.904
I've learned to live on plaque.
9
00:01:50.514 --> 00:01:53.711
Besides, I have everything I need
right here.
10
00:01:53.914 --> 00:01:57.463
Oh, Al, you got Shower in a Box.
11
00:01:57.674 --> 00:02:02.623
No, Peg, I couldn't afford it because
years ago, I bought Wife on the Couch.
12
00:02:04.740 --> 00:02:09.307
Now, feast your eyes on this:
The Handyman's Workbench 5000.
13
00:02:09.514 --> 00:02:14.224
Oh, Al, hold me.
I want this moment to last forever.
14
00:02:14.434 --> 00:02:18.712
Don't worry, every moment with you
seems like it'll last forever.
15
00:02:18.914 --> 00:02:23.669
Oh, baby. This is gonna bring me
such pleasure.
16
00:02:23.874 --> 00:02:25.512
"Some assembly required."
17
00:02:25.714 --> 00:02:30.424
Shall I take it downstairs and put it
on the "no assembly achieved" pile?
18
00:02:30.994 --> 00:02:33.189
Al, why didn't you have them
assemble it for you?
19
00:02:33.394 --> 00:02:36.147
There, right there is what's
wrong with this country.
20
00:02:36.354 --> 00:02:38.265
We've become too dependent
on other people.
21
00:02:38.474 --> 00:02:40.863
Whatever happened to
the spirit of do-it-yourself?
22
00:02:41.740 --> 00:02:42.826
It's alive and well in our bedroom.
23
00:02:45.874 --> 00:02:48.263
Well, I, too, need something
to fiddle with.
24
00:02:48.474 --> 00:02:54.260
So... So if you'll excuse me,
I shall organize my tools.
25
00:02:54.234 --> 00:02:59.547
- Then you'll see some fixing.
- Just like you fixed the step?
26
00:03:01.834 --> 00:03:05.190
Of course, I could've changed
the light bulb.
27
00:03:05.914 --> 00:03:09.463
Mom, I heard a scream.
Did Dad fall down the stairs again?
28
00:03:09.674 --> 00:03:11.153
Cool.
29
00:03:14.914 --> 00:03:18.827
Oh, hey, Kel. What are you doing
outside fully clothed?
30
00:03:19.914 --> 00:03:21.142
I'm waiting for the mail.
31
00:03:21.354 --> 00:03:24.869
I'm expecting an invitation for Alpha.
You know, that club for smart people.
32
00:03:28.554 --> 00:03:32.690
Kel, you need a real high IQ
to join Alpha.
33
00:03:32.274 --> 00:03:36.904
- I've been turned down for that.
- That and everything else in the world.
34
00:03:37.554 --> 00:03:40.148
Seriously, Kel, now,
what are you doing outside?
35
00:03:40.354 --> 00:03:43.152
Did you get this far
and you can't find the house?
36
00:03:46.274 --> 00:03:48.834
Laugh on, goo-boy.
37
00:03:49.740 --> 00:03:53.545
But remember: He who laughs last
laughs west.
38
00:03:56.114 --> 00:03:57.945
I happened to meet a guy
who's a member.
39
00:03:58.154 --> 00:04:00.622
He had me fill out some forms
and said if I qualified...
40
00:04:00.834 --> 00:04:02.426
Hi, Mr. Mailman.
41
00:04:02.634 --> 00:04:05.387
He said if I qualified,
that I'd be getting an invitation...
42
00:04:11.834 --> 00:04:13.870
You know when you line up
your toy soldiers...
43
00:04:14.740 --> 00:04:16.300
...and put cupcakes in front of them.
44
00:04:16.234 --> 00:04:18.828
It's kind of like that,
but with real people.
45
00:04:19.740 --> 00:04:20.826
I just wish the damn mail
would come.
46
00:04:24.674 --> 00:04:26.270
Here it is, Kel.
47
00:04:26.234 --> 00:04:28.953
Oh, God, the mailman
must be invisible.
48
00:04:30.554 --> 00:04:32.545
Alpha, huh?
49
00:04:32.874 --> 00:04:35.513
Let's see...
Dad's bills.
50
00:04:35.714 --> 00:04:38.690
Jury duty for Mom.
51
00:04:38.274 --> 00:04:40.105
Playboy for you.
52
00:04:40.314 --> 00:04:41.827
Playboy for Dad.
53
00:04:42.340 --> 00:04:44.309
Playgirl for Mom.
54
00:04:45.114 --> 00:04:47.867
Bitches in Heat for Buck.
55
00:04:50.754 --> 00:04:54.300
And here it is.
My invitation to Alpha.
56
00:04:54.234 --> 00:04:56.111
Read it to me, Bud.
57
00:04:57.394 --> 00:04:58.668
I don't have to read it, Kel.
58
00:04:58.874 --> 00:05:00.626
It says " Congratulations,
Miss Bundy.
59
00:05:00.834 --> 00:05:03.189
Your IQ score has placed you
square in the middle...
60
00:05:03.394 --> 00:05:05.544
...between an ashtray
and a pickle jar."
61
00:05:11.474 --> 00:05:14.340
"Congratulations, Miss Bundy.
62
00:05:14.234 --> 00:05:17.320
You have been invited to
our new-members mixer"?
63
00:05:17.234 --> 00:05:20.192
- It can't be.
- I'm in. I'm in.
64
00:05:20.394 --> 00:05:22.988
I'm a genius and you're not:
65
00:05:31.354 --> 00:05:35.552
Let me read this again. Ten thousand
special ed teachers can't be wrong.
66
00:05:35.754 --> 00:05:38.268
I'll prove it. Quick:
How many are in a gross?
67
00:05:38.474 --> 00:05:40.669
You and four friends.
68
00:05:43.314 --> 00:05:48.240
I shall now leave you to wallow in the
murky world of your own Bud-dom.
69
00:05:48.234 --> 00:05:51.624
I shall now let the family
behold my genius.
70
00:06:09.834 --> 00:06:12.632
It turns, therefore, I am.
71
00:06:20.834 --> 00:06:23.394
You know, I tease Al about it...
72
00:06:23.594 --> 00:06:26.552
...but there is nothing more exciting
than seeing real men...
73
00:06:26.754 --> 00:06:30.224
...use their hands and minds as one.
- I know.
74
00:06:30.434 --> 00:06:33.280
Look at the sweat
glistening off their bodies.
75
00:06:33.234 --> 00:06:37.307
Muscles tensed, brows furrowed.
I think they're almost finished.
76
00:06:37.514 --> 00:06:40.586
- Yes!
- I think they did it.
77
00:06:40.794 --> 00:06:42.625
And in only 15 minutes.
78
00:06:43.434 --> 00:06:47.347
Peg, we've opened the box.
79
00:06:54.914 --> 00:06:56.552
Gee, that's great, honey.
80
00:06:56.754 --> 00:07:00.952
Today the box,
tomorrow the cap on the toothpaste.
81
00:07:01.234 --> 00:07:04.510
You just can't stand to see a man
get ahead, can you?
82
00:07:04.714 --> 00:07:09.868
Hey, if the box was that easy to open,
imagine how easy the rest is gonna be.
83
00:07:10.834 --> 00:07:13.792
Excuse me, Fred and Barney.
84
00:07:14.954 --> 00:07:18.469
Before you start running around the
room, slapping each other's heinies...
85
00:07:18.674 --> 00:07:22.553
...how long is this gonna take you?
- Directions say 20 minutes.
86
00:07:22.754 --> 00:07:27.384
I say we can do it under 15.
Just watch our dust.
87
00:07:42.340 --> 00:07:44.250
Where were we?
88
00:07:44.554 --> 00:07:45.987
Step one.
89
00:07:47.354 --> 00:07:49.549
Well, read it to me.
90
00:07:49.794 --> 00:07:53.250
"Congratulations on your purchase
of the easy-to-put-together...
91
00:07:53.234 --> 00:07:57.546
...Handyman's Workbench 5000.
Open box."
92
00:07:58.234 --> 00:07:59.986
Well, we did that.
93
00:08:01.914 --> 00:08:05.543
Look, Peggy. Husbands in the mist.
94
00:08:07.394 --> 00:08:10.272
They're all the same.
My father was like that.
95
00:08:10.474 --> 00:08:14.592
He would sit on the porch and whittle
the same piece of wood for hours...
96
00:08:14.794 --> 00:08:17.752
...before he realized it was his finger.
97
00:08:18.914 --> 00:08:21.712
The only day my father would build
was Christmas Eve.
98
00:08:21.914 --> 00:08:23.950
He'd put together all my toys.
99
00:08:24.154 --> 00:08:26.310
Till I was old enough
to know it was him...
100
00:08:26.234 --> 00:08:28.589
...I always thought it was Santa
downstairs yelling:
101
00:08:29.794 --> 00:08:33.250
"Damn kid and her freaking wagon!"
102
00:08:34.394 --> 00:08:36.828
And then I'd go downstairs
on Christmas Day...
103
00:08:37.340 --> 00:08:40.231
...and find all my shiny, new,
bloody toys.
104
00:08:41.340 --> 00:08:43.184
Well, then this should bring back
some memories.
105
00:08:43.394 --> 00:08:46.511
Al's getting ready
to use the staple gun.
106
00:08:49.954 --> 00:08:52.468
- Oh, you little baby.
- Oh, get me loose.
107
00:08:52.674 --> 00:08:55.746
No. No, now, it'll slow us up.
108
00:08:55.954 --> 00:08:58.673
Have you seen any of those
L-shaped things?
109
00:08:58.874 --> 00:09:02.992
No. No, I've been finding these pieces
shaped like sevens.
110
00:09:04.194 --> 00:09:06.549
What idiot packed this box?
111
00:09:06.754 --> 00:09:10.542
Oh, well, maybe I can reshape them
with my blowtorch.
112
00:09:11.794 --> 00:09:13.625
- Blowtorch?
- Blowtorch?
113
00:09:17.714 --> 00:09:21.150
Please, please.
Kel, please take me with you.
114
00:09:21.354 --> 00:09:24.312
No, you are too stupid to get in.
115
00:09:24.514 --> 00:09:27.824
But I'll bring you back some leftovers
in a dummy bag.
116
00:09:28.874 --> 00:09:31.342
Now, go away before I'm tardy
for the party.
117
00:09:32.314 --> 00:09:36.512
Watch me as I effortlessly
turn the knob.
118
00:09:49.474 --> 00:09:54.992
Very interesting. Push in, pull out.
How should I remember that?
119
00:09:55.194 --> 00:09:56.866
Well...
120
00:10:04.514 --> 00:10:07.824
"Push," unlike "pull,"
starts with a P.
121
00:10:09.594 --> 00:10:12.188
Make new thoughts,
but keep the old.
122
00:10:12.394 --> 00:10:16.353
One is silver and the other is old.
123
00:10:18.634 --> 00:10:20.909
I've gotta get to the bottom of this.
124
00:10:22.874 --> 00:10:25.946
This blowtorch doesn't look clogged
to me.
125
00:10:27.554 --> 00:10:30.944
- You hold the lighter and let me look.
- All right.
126
00:10:33.914 --> 00:10:37.668
You can almost hear
the Looney Tunes theme, can't you?
127
00:10:47.674 --> 00:10:50.108
- My eyebrows!
- AI.
128
00:10:50.394 --> 00:10:52.464
- My eyebrows!
- Come on, Al!
129
00:10:52.674 --> 00:10:56.300
Somebody put out my eyebrows!
130
00:10:57.674 --> 00:11:01.640
Relax, Al, I'm depriving the fire
of oxygen.
131
00:11:09.554 --> 00:11:11.510
That's... That's better.
132
00:11:12.874 --> 00:11:15.832
Well, no... No need to worry.
Fire's out.
133
00:11:16.994 --> 00:11:19.872
One, two, three...
134
00:11:21.634 --> 00:11:23.226
This is to identify all new members.
135
00:11:23.434 --> 00:11:26.585
Thank you, kind sir
of merely average intelligence.
136
00:11:32.834 --> 00:11:35.290
Do you have an invitation, sir?
137
00:11:39.354 --> 00:11:40.992
This is a bus pass, sir.
138
00:11:42.794 --> 00:11:44.989
I must have left my invitation
at the hospital...
139
00:11:45.194 --> 00:11:47.344
...where I work as a doctor
at this young age.
140
00:11:47.554 --> 00:11:52.105
- Oh, name?
- Howser. Doogie Howser.
141
00:11:54.740 --> 00:11:57.111
- Go away, sir.
- Alrighty.
142
00:11:57.634 --> 00:12:00.751
But don't come crying to me,
saying, "Help me, Dr. Howser"...
143
00:12:00.954 --> 00:12:03.991
...when your high-paying, high-stress
job gives you an ulcer.
144
00:12:07.594 --> 00:12:10.950
Hi, my name's Harvey.
These parties are such a gas.
145
00:12:11.154 --> 00:12:16.182
- Hi there, Harv. Say, nice pencil pouch.
- Well, l...
146
00:12:28.754 --> 00:12:31.951
Well, of course the Soviet Union
was bound to fall.
147
00:12:32.154 --> 00:12:35.320
I mean, it's all the way
on the edge of the map.
148
00:12:36.634 --> 00:12:39.626
Kelly, you really should share
your theory with lvan over there.
149
00:12:39.834 --> 00:12:43.793
And while you're there, tell him your
theory about how snowmen are born.
150
00:12:48.740 --> 00:12:51.544
- Was I wrong about her?
- She is all you said and more.
151
00:12:51.754 --> 00:12:54.314
She's sure to win you
the "stupidest date" award.
152
00:12:54.514 --> 00:12:58.666
Well, when I found her,
she was just staring at a door.
153
00:12:58.874 --> 00:13:00.546
But yours is no slouch.
154
00:13:12.554 --> 00:13:15.227
God, I love these idiot parties.
155
00:13:22.914 --> 00:13:25.300
Well, of course I'm very intelligent...
156
00:13:25.234 --> 00:13:29.220
...but I feel I make the statement
that brains and decent knockers...
157
00:13:29.234 --> 00:13:35.250
...can go hand in hand to march us
proudly into the 19th century.
158
00:13:39.194 --> 00:13:41.310
- Kel.
- Bud.
159
00:13:41.514 --> 00:13:42.913
I think you made a wrong turn.
160
00:13:43.114 --> 00:13:46.424
The Pimples Without Partners
meeting is down the hall.
161
00:13:47.834 --> 00:13:51.190
I don't know if I should tell you this,
what with me hating you and all...
162
00:13:51.394 --> 00:13:54.272
...but do you know what a
"pig party" is?
163
00:13:54.474 --> 00:13:56.669
Of course, I do. I'm a genius.
164
00:13:56.874 --> 00:14:00.230
It's where a bunch of cute people
find ugly dates, pretend to like them...
165
00:14:00.434 --> 00:14:03.471
...take them to a party
and laugh at them until they cry.
166
00:14:03.674 --> 00:14:06.905
- So you've done it before?
- That hurts.
167
00:14:07.114 --> 00:14:09.389
Have I ever invited you to a party?
168
00:14:09.594 --> 00:14:12.280
Now, that should prove
that I've never been to one.
169
00:14:12.794 --> 00:14:14.864
Well, you've been to one now.
170
00:14:15.740 --> 00:14:17.827
This is Alpha's version
of a pig party, Kel.
171
00:14:18.340 --> 00:14:22.824
Instead of ugly, they invite...
How should I put this delicately?
172
00:14:23.340 --> 00:14:25.628
- morons, cretins, fools,
mind-blowing imbeciles.
173
00:14:28.394 --> 00:14:31.227
Everyone with a patch
is someone's dumb date.
174
00:14:31.434 --> 00:14:33.584
Come on, I'll show you.
175
00:14:36.794 --> 00:14:39.228
Hi, I'm Kelly. I'm a model.
176
00:14:39.434 --> 00:14:41.789
I'm Delbert. I'm a Los Angeles
public school teacher.
177
00:14:41.994 --> 00:14:44.300
That doesn't prove anything.
178
00:14:45.514 --> 00:14:47.823
He could just be a temp
or something.
179
00:14:51.634 --> 00:14:53.750
Hi, I'm Kelly. I'm a model.
180
00:14:53.954 --> 00:14:56.673
Hi, I'm Ralph.
I'm a network executive.
181
00:15:01.740 --> 00:15:04.623
- But I'm still not sold.
- Well, does this sell you?
182
00:15:18.714 --> 00:15:20.545
Oh, my God, it's true.
183
00:15:21.634 --> 00:15:23.545
- Kel. Kel, wait.
- Leave me alone.
184
00:15:23.754 --> 00:15:25.426
You just wanna rub it in.
185
00:15:25.634 --> 00:15:28.148
I got the rest of my life to do that.
186
00:15:28.794 --> 00:15:30.671
I just wanted to tell you
not to feel bad.
187
00:15:30.874 --> 00:15:33.752
Not to feel bad? How can I not?
188
00:15:33.954 --> 00:15:36.991
Do you know what it's like to have
people laughing at you at a party?
189
00:15:37.194 --> 00:15:41.426
To have them talk behind your back?
To exist only to be made fun of?
190
00:15:41.634 --> 00:15:44.706
Well, naturally, you do, but I don't.
191
00:15:45.554 --> 00:15:47.510
It hurts. Let's go.
192
00:15:48.340 --> 00:15:52.983
Kel, come on. You can't run and hide.
That's not the Bundy way.
193
00:15:53.194 --> 00:15:56.823
You gotta get back at these people
the Bundy way.
194
00:16:03.474 --> 00:16:06.147
But I like changing my underwear.
195
00:16:08.554 --> 00:16:11.193
The other Bundy way, Kel.
196
00:16:11.954 --> 00:16:16.630
Destroy their superior smiles
with sheer, pointless violence.
197
00:16:17.754 --> 00:16:20.552
You'd do that for me even after
the way I treated you tonight?
198
00:16:20.754 --> 00:16:22.790
Hey, they did turn me down.
199
00:16:22.994 --> 00:16:26.191
Well, then you'd have to go
beat up every girl in Chicago.
200
00:16:26.914 --> 00:16:29.792
I'm just kidding you,
you little wallaby.
201
00:16:30.874 --> 00:16:33.786
Let's go kick a little genius butt.
202
00:16:38.954 --> 00:16:41.240
Hey, five-eyes.
203
00:16:43.994 --> 00:16:48.385
Attention all guests.
We are the intellectually challenged.
204
00:16:48.594 --> 00:16:50.983
Does that mean we let nerds
make fun of us?
205
00:16:51.194 --> 00:16:52.866
That would make us lower than them.
206
00:16:53.740 --> 00:16:56.191
So I say, let's return
to the pecking order of high school.
207
00:16:56.394 --> 00:17:00.148
So come on, people, if you're stupid
and you know it, punch a nerd.
208
00:17:07.674 --> 00:17:10.427
That's right. Make them
eat their pencil pouches.
209
00:17:22.994 --> 00:17:26.350
Kel. Kel, come on.
I think we're finished here.
210
00:17:26.554 --> 00:17:28.670
Okay.
211
00:17:38.274 --> 00:17:41.270
All right, let me know
when I get all the way through.
212
00:17:42.594 --> 00:17:44.730
Okey-dokey.
213
00:17:48.314 --> 00:17:50.111
Sorry, pal.
214
00:17:50.434 --> 00:17:55.189
- Oh, can I have that one?
- Well, you'll have to trade me.
215
00:17:55.394 --> 00:17:57.225
Well, I have a nice action shot...
216
00:17:57.434 --> 00:18:00.665
...of the men
nailing themselves together...
217
00:18:00.874 --> 00:18:03.593
...and then running
around the room idiotically.
218
00:18:03.794 --> 00:18:08.549
Well, how about this one of Al's face
when the circular saw fell in lap?
219
00:18:09.234 --> 00:18:11.310
Give me one of them
L-shaped things.
220
00:18:11.234 --> 00:18:13.650
Well, there's only one more left.
221
00:18:13.274 --> 00:18:16.630
You'll have to make some more
out of these extra sevens.
222
00:18:19.874 --> 00:18:21.671
I can't find the hole.
223
00:18:29.954 --> 00:18:33.503
Hell, I'll just sand the whole thing.
It's like my Dad used to say:
224
00:18:33.714 --> 00:18:38.310
"There is no mix-up
a sander can't fix up."
225
00:18:38.754 --> 00:18:43.589
- God, that's beautiful.
- Plug us in, buddy.
226
00:18:44.340 --> 00:18:46.832
Al, don't you have too many things
plugged in already?
227
00:18:47.740 --> 00:18:51.829
Peg, the only experience you have
are with things that use batteries.
228
00:18:53.394 --> 00:18:54.873
Men know plugs.
229
00:18:55.994 --> 00:18:59.669
- Plug us in, pal.
- Photo op.
230
00:19:08.740 --> 00:19:11.510
He hasn't moved like that in years.
231
00:19:12.594 --> 00:19:16.143
Do you think Jefferson is stupid enough
to try and unplug him now?
232
00:19:16.354 --> 00:19:18.265
I'll save you, buddy.
233
00:19:21.514 --> 00:19:23.709
I guess he is.
234
00:19:23.914 --> 00:19:26.382
- To men.
- To men.
235
00:20:03.154 --> 00:20:05.952
Hi, Daddy. I couldn't sleep.
236
00:20:06.154 --> 00:20:10.830
Well, since you're up,
share Daddy's triumph.
237
00:20:11.554 --> 00:20:15.308
The Handyman Workbench 5000.
238
00:20:15.754 --> 00:20:18.905
- It's very nice, Daddy.
- Oh, don't touch it.
239
00:20:20.340 --> 00:20:21.831
It's just for looking at.
240
00:20:23.114 --> 00:20:27.266
- So, what's up?
- Daddy, do you think I'm stupid?
241
00:20:27.474 --> 00:20:28.702
Well...
242
00:20:30.354 --> 00:20:33.983
Pumpkin, "stupid" is a relative term.
243
00:20:34.314 --> 00:20:38.230
Well, you're a relative.
That's why I'm asking you.
244
00:20:40.794 --> 00:20:44.184
Well, pumpkin, see, some people
like to call someone...
245
00:20:44.394 --> 00:20:46.320
Let's say you.
246
00:20:46.234 --> 00:20:51.149
- stupid because you just haven't found
what you're really good at yet.
247
00:20:51.354 --> 00:20:54.391
And everybody's good at something.
Take me, I'm good with my hands.
248
00:20:59.154 --> 00:21:01.310
And your mother.
Who's ever been better...
249
00:21:01.234 --> 00:21:02.952
...at doing nothing than your mother?
250
00:21:03.154 --> 00:21:05.543
We'll forget about Bud
because he's actually smart...
251
00:21:05.754 --> 00:21:08.985
...and we'll move on to Buck.
Remember when he was a puppy...
252
00:21:09.194 --> 00:21:11.424
...he used to run all around
with all that energy?
253
00:21:11.634 --> 00:21:13.864
Well, obviously he didn't like it.
254
00:21:14.794 --> 00:21:16.989
But years later, he found out
what he's good at.
255
00:21:17.194 --> 00:21:19.662
Look at him, laying up there.
256
00:21:21.194 --> 00:21:23.503
Attaboy, Buck.
257
00:21:23.994 --> 00:21:27.310
What I'm saying, sweetheart, is
if you give yourself enough time...
258
00:21:27.234 --> 00:21:29.543
...you'll find out
what you're good at too.
259
00:21:29.754 --> 00:21:31.426
But I'm tired of waiting.
260
00:21:31.634 --> 00:21:34.102
I'm afraid I'm never gonna find it.
261
00:21:34.314 --> 00:21:36.270
Maybe what I'm good at
is being stupid.
262
00:21:36.474 --> 00:21:38.271
I guess it'll have to be enough.
263
00:21:38.474 --> 00:21:41.147
I'd feel better if there was just
one person on his earth...
264
00:21:41.354 --> 00:21:42.992
...that I was smarter than.
265
00:22:06.114 --> 00:22:07.911
Good night, Daddy.
266
00:22:22.474 --> 00:22:24.192
Jefferson?
267
00:22:24.394 --> 00:22:27.330
Jefferson, come see, I finished it.
I finished it.
21837
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