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Amongst the many
overnight success stories
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00:00:14,400 --> 00:00:15,580
in show business lore,
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00:00:15,779 --> 00:00:17,949
Midge Maisel's stands
out from the rest.
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00:00:18,149 --> 00:00:19,750
Her journey from
the Gaslight Café
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00:00:19,949 --> 00:00:22,670
in New York's Greenwich Village
to worldwide fame and notoriety
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00:00:22,870 --> 00:00:24,629
is the stuff of legend.
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00:00:24,829 --> 00:00:26,300
Often press-shy,
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00:00:26,500 --> 00:00:29,420
she agreed to sit down with
me and talk about her life.
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00:00:29,620 --> 00:00:31,839
Hey, you look a little
nervous. Are you?
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00:00:32,039 --> 00:00:33,590
Well, there's that
body in my trunk.
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00:00:33,789 --> 00:00:35,686
I've been meaning to dump it,
but the day got away from me.
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00:00:35,710 --> 00:00:36,929
It's been quite a ride.
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00:00:37,130 --> 00:00:38,429
Grammy winner, Emmy winner,
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00:00:38,630 --> 00:00:40,439
the French Order of
the Arts and Letters.
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00:00:40,630 --> 00:00:43,649
Does the phrase
"living legend" apply?
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00:00:43,850 --> 00:00:45,729
Geez, Mike, I'm not dead yet.
17
00:00:45,929 --> 00:00:48,229
Wait, am I? Call an ambulance.
18
00:00:48,429 --> 00:00:50,359
Where'd this passion
to perform come from?
19
00:00:50,560 --> 00:00:52,909
What drives Midge Maisel?
20
00:00:53,109 --> 00:00:54,450
I just love what I do.
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00:00:54,649 --> 00:00:56,780
I love talking to people,
present company excepted,
22
00:00:56,979 --> 00:00:58,200
I'm kidding.
23
00:00:58,399 --> 00:01:01,119
I like money, I'm
not ashamed of that.
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00:01:01,320 --> 00:01:05,420
And boy, oh, boy, do I
love the sound of laughs.
25
00:01:05,620 --> 00:01:07,920
And what she does
is make people laugh.
26
00:01:08,120 --> 00:01:09,590
At age 30,
27
00:01:09,789 --> 00:01:13,010
18 consecutive sold-out
nights at the Copacabana.
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00:01:13,210 --> 00:01:15,340
Numerous tours in
the U.S., Canada,
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00:01:15,539 --> 00:01:18,219
and parts of Europe
all sell out in minutes.
30
00:01:18,420 --> 00:01:20,560
There's the requisite
celebrity friendships.
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00:01:20,760 --> 00:01:22,140
Her shows with Bob Hope
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00:01:22,340 --> 00:01:23,566
and their many trips to Vietnam
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00:01:23,590 --> 00:01:25,439
were a favorite of the troops.
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00:01:25,640 --> 00:01:27,189
Midge, you look wonderful.
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00:01:27,390 --> 00:01:28,989
I love that gown. Is
that a Schiaparelli?
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00:01:29,019 --> 00:01:31,036
Oh, I'm sorry, Bob, but I've
forgotten where I bought it.
37
00:01:31,060 --> 00:01:33,530
You mind if I look at the label?
38
00:01:33,729 --> 00:01:35,240
What does it say?
39
00:01:35,439 --> 00:01:37,069
"Off limits."
40
00:01:37,270 --> 00:01:38,950
That's negotiable.
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00:01:39,150 --> 00:01:41,159
As her audience grew older,
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00:01:41,359 --> 00:01:43,710
her inclination to
shock grew bolder,
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00:01:43,909 --> 00:01:45,329
culminating in the now infamous
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00:01:45,530 --> 00:01:48,039
1971 show at Carnegie Hall.
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00:01:48,240 --> 00:01:50,000
How does a lady like that
46
00:01:50,200 --> 00:01:52,719
have the to show
up looking like that?
47
00:01:52,920 --> 00:01:55,009
Is anyone aware of
the First Amendment?
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00:01:55,210 --> 00:01:56,759
Still applies.
49
00:01:56,960 --> 00:01:58,975
What could have been a
career-ending night of infamy
50
00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:00,219
turned out to be...
51
00:02:00,420 --> 00:02:02,730
As so many things do
in Midge Maisel's life...
52
00:02:02,930 --> 00:02:04,980
The beginning of a
brand-new chapter,
53
00:02:05,180 --> 00:02:07,900
with a brand-new
audience of young fans
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00:02:08,099 --> 00:02:10,610
through her audacious
college campus tours.
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00:02:10,810 --> 00:02:13,740
On top of all that, she
raised two children,
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00:02:13,939 --> 00:02:17,819
a son, Ethan, and a
daughter, Dr. Esther Maisel.
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00:02:18,020 --> 00:02:20,829
What was it like having
Midge Maisel as your mother?
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00:02:21,030 --> 00:02:24,620
It was an incredible childhood,
filled with laughter and warmth.
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00:02:24,819 --> 00:02:26,920
She's a wonderful mother.
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00:02:27,120 --> 00:02:28,385
The other kids
must've been jealous.
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00:02:28,409 --> 00:02:30,250
Oddly, yes.
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00:02:30,449 --> 00:02:32,509
And then there were the men.
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00:02:32,699 --> 00:02:35,129
Men. Men and Midge Maisel.
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00:02:35,329 --> 00:02:36,550
So many men.
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00:02:36,750 --> 00:02:38,889
You sound like my accountant.
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00:02:39,090 --> 00:02:41,889
Four marriages, plus several,
or should I say multiple,
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00:02:42,090 --> 00:02:43,520
other relationships.
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00:02:43,719 --> 00:02:45,689
- What gives?
- I don't know.
69
00:02:45,879 --> 00:02:47,439
Lucky in life, unlucky in love.
70
00:02:47,639 --> 00:02:49,729
I thought I'd marry
once. Joke's on me.
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00:02:49,930 --> 00:02:51,479
And then there's
the relationship
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00:02:51,680 --> 00:02:54,240
that lasted longer than
all the others combined.
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00:02:54,430 --> 00:02:56,990
You were client number
one of the powerful
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00:02:57,189 --> 00:03:00,240
entertainment manager
Susie Myerson, is that right?
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00:03:00,439 --> 00:03:01,870
That's right.
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00:03:02,069 --> 00:03:04,870
You know her current
client list: Liza Minnelli,
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00:03:05,069 --> 00:03:06,620
George Carlin, Barbra Streisand.
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00:03:06,819 --> 00:03:09,289
Just about everybody
in Hollywood.
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00:03:09,490 --> 00:03:11,629
Everybody except you.
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00:03:11,830 --> 00:03:14,669
A 25-year friendship gone bust.
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00:03:14,870 --> 00:03:16,879
- What happened?
- What happened, Mike,
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00:03:17,079 --> 00:03:18,436
is that two people
in show business
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00:03:18,460 --> 00:03:19,930
tried to have a friendship.
84
00:03:20,129 --> 00:03:22,430
Shall I read what she recently
said about you in Variety?
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00:03:22,629 --> 00:03:26,020
Don't bother, I've already
had it tattooed on my.
86
00:03:26,219 --> 00:03:29,060
And then there were her clothes.
87
00:03:29,259 --> 00:03:31,439
And you're putting all
these up for auction?
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00:03:31,639 --> 00:03:33,650
Every last button and bow.
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00:03:33,849 --> 00:03:35,819
In a way, these are my friends.
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00:03:36,020 --> 00:03:40,490
My first night at the
Gaslight. Yup, the story is true.
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00:03:40,689 --> 00:03:44,829
My B. Altman switchboard
dress. Those were fun times.
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00:03:45,030 --> 00:03:46,449
Oh, a classic.
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00:03:46,650 --> 00:03:50,670
What I wore the night of the
great tarmac dump of 1960.
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00:03:50,870 --> 00:03:52,670
Night five of my first Copa run.
95
00:03:52,870 --> 00:03:54,250
What I wore to Woodstock...
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00:03:54,449 --> 00:03:56,960
I didn't perform,
but I sure got muddy.
97
00:03:57,159 --> 00:04:01,050
Guest hosting Johnny Carson,
my cameo in Mad, Mad World.
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00:04:01,250 --> 00:04:03,219
Oh, and this.
99
00:04:03,419 --> 00:04:06,719
The outfit I wore on my first
day as a writer for Gordon Ford.
100
00:04:06,919 --> 00:04:08,810
My sitting outfit.
101
00:04:09,009 --> 00:04:10,849
I put a lot of
thought into this one.
102
00:04:11,050 --> 00:04:12,650
And where do the proceeds go?
103
00:04:12,849 --> 00:04:15,020
The Weissman/Maisel
Children's Foundation,
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00:04:15,219 --> 00:04:18,399
for childhood education,
health, hunger, housing.
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00:04:18,600 --> 00:04:20,569
Children are my best teachers.
106
00:04:20,769 --> 00:04:24,240
Through them, I've learned
to love, to laugh, to listen.
107
00:04:24,439 --> 00:04:26,699
So everything I do,
I do for the children.
108
00:04:26,899 --> 00:04:28,500
Hit the lights, ladies.
109
00:04:28,699 --> 00:04:32,040
And so comedy superstar
Midge Maisel soldiers on,
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00:04:32,240 --> 00:04:35,879
through success and
adversity, doing everything,
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00:04:36,079 --> 00:04:38,209
in her words,
"For the children."
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00:04:38,409 --> 00:04:39,720
Eat, damn it,
you little bastard!
113
00:04:39,920 --> 00:04:41,180
Miriam!
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00:04:41,370 --> 00:04:42,720
He has to eat to survive.
115
00:04:42,920 --> 00:04:45,100
- Not hungry!
- Deaf ears!
116
00:04:45,300 --> 00:04:46,639
- Your fault.
- What is?
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00:04:46,840 --> 00:04:49,060
- The kids.
- We didn't force you to have kids.
118
00:04:49,259 --> 00:04:50,659
No, but you created
the environment:
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00:04:50,840 --> 00:04:52,649
the dolls, the books
about being a mommy,
120
00:04:52,840 --> 00:04:54,696
the-the quarter-scale toy
kitchen you rigged up for me
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00:04:54,720 --> 00:04:56,519
with the gas broiler
and the little fridge
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00:04:56,720 --> 00:04:58,360
that plugged into
a working socket.
123
00:04:58,560 --> 00:05:01,110
I was very proud of that
until you were electrocuted.
124
00:05:01,310 --> 00:05:03,086
And now I'm gonna need
some extra babysitting help.
125
00:05:03,110 --> 00:05:05,490
This new job is
five days a week.
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00:05:05,689 --> 00:05:07,295
Miriam, tell us again how
you're gonna be a writer
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00:05:07,319 --> 00:05:08,410
on The Gordon Ford Show.
128
00:05:08,610 --> 00:05:09,610
I don't understand.
129
00:05:09,779 --> 00:05:10,925
There's nothing more to tell.
130
00:05:10,949 --> 00:05:12,005
He offered me a job
writing on the show,
131
00:05:12,029 --> 00:05:13,029
and I said yes.
132
00:05:13,199 --> 00:05:14,629
So, he just walks
around the city
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00:05:14,829 --> 00:05:17,129
asking strangers if they want
to be writers on his show?
134
00:05:17,329 --> 00:05:18,500
He sounds unstable.
135
00:05:18,699 --> 00:05:20,516
No, I'm sure he has
people who normally do that,
136
00:05:20,540 --> 00:05:22,879
but this time it came
directly from him.
137
00:05:23,079 --> 00:05:24,319
But what's there to even write?
138
00:05:24,459 --> 00:05:26,139
Doesn't he just make
it all up on the spot?
139
00:05:26,170 --> 00:05:27,855
His whole opening
monologue is written for him.
140
00:05:27,879 --> 00:05:29,519
Oh, I thought he was
just naturally funny.
141
00:05:29,670 --> 00:05:31,389
This is shattering my illusions.
142
00:05:31,589 --> 00:05:33,810
Sorry, I should have
broken it to you more gently.
143
00:05:34,009 --> 00:05:35,649
- And you're sure it was him?
- Am I...
144
00:05:35,850 --> 00:05:36,906
Because I read about this woman,
145
00:05:36,930 --> 00:05:38,250
she was walking
down Sixth Avenue,
146
00:05:38,310 --> 00:05:40,036
and who does she bump
into but Winston Churchill.
147
00:05:40,060 --> 00:05:41,536
He tells her he needs
to get back to England
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00:05:41,560 --> 00:05:43,600
because his daughter's
sick, but he lost his wallet.
149
00:05:43,649 --> 00:05:44,649
That's the worst.
150
00:05:44,689 --> 00:05:47,199
So, she gives him
everything she had, $40.
151
00:05:47,399 --> 00:05:48,909
Well, later on, the
same man is caught
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00:05:49,110 --> 00:05:50,716
walking around Union Square
with his pants at his ankles,
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00:05:50,740 --> 00:05:51,740
yelling at seagulls.
154
00:05:51,860 --> 00:05:53,500
So it wasn't Winston Churchill?
155
00:05:53,699 --> 00:05:54,829
That's my point.
156
00:05:55,029 --> 00:05:56,670
Maybe it wasn't Gordon
Ford who hired you.
157
00:05:56,870 --> 00:05:58,540
It was Gordon Ford, okay?
158
00:05:58,740 --> 00:05:59,840
I got hired by Gordon Ford,
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00:06:00,040 --> 00:06:01,596
his pants were up,
and I accepted the job.
160
00:06:01,620 --> 00:06:02,699
Now let's discuss the kids.
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00:06:02,870 --> 00:06:04,550
Oh, I'm happy to do
all I can, Miss Miriam.
162
00:06:04,670 --> 00:06:05,970
I hope you know that.
163
00:06:06,170 --> 00:06:08,600
It's become a great joy in
my life, watching the kids.
164
00:06:08,800 --> 00:06:11,100
And when I can't
watch them, well...
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00:06:11,300 --> 00:06:12,769
I can.
166
00:06:12,970 --> 00:06:15,060
I love picking Ethan
up after school,
167
00:06:15,259 --> 00:06:16,485
and Esther loves to come along.
168
00:06:16,509 --> 00:06:17,939
She rides on my shoulders
169
00:06:18,139 --> 00:06:20,069
and tells me, "Giddyap, Janusz!"
170
00:06:20,269 --> 00:06:22,279
And that's when I giddyap
and go like the wind.
171
00:06:22,480 --> 00:06:23,879
I'm happy to stay
and play with them
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00:06:23,980 --> 00:06:25,860
whenever you need
me, even at night.
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00:06:26,060 --> 00:06:27,660
They're fantastic.
174
00:06:27,860 --> 00:06:31,449
My life was hard: the
war, the bombings.
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00:06:31,649 --> 00:06:32,750
So much suffering.
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00:06:32,939 --> 00:06:35,920
But, uh, spending
time with your children...
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00:06:36,110 --> 00:06:38,930
They make me think about
having my own children.
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00:06:40,230 --> 00:06:42,550
For the first time in my life.
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00:06:42,750 --> 00:06:44,420
Well, thank you.
180
00:06:44,620 --> 00:06:47,480
Both of you. I
really appreciate it.
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00:06:49,949 --> 00:06:51,970
- Who is that?
- Don't you know?
182
00:06:52,170 --> 00:06:53,639
He always has a
screwdriver with him.
183
00:06:53,840 --> 00:06:54,959
I thought he was a handyman.
184
00:06:55,009 --> 00:06:56,269
I didn't hire a handyman.
185
00:06:56,470 --> 00:06:58,600
He seems very
familiar with the children.
186
00:06:58,800 --> 00:06:59,800
And Zelda.
187
00:06:59,889 --> 00:07:01,076
He's been here off
and on for weeks,
188
00:07:01,100 --> 00:07:02,300
and none of us know who he is?
189
00:07:02,350 --> 00:07:05,170
Whoever he is,
sounds like he's free.
190
00:07:12,319 --> 00:07:14,250
Do not leave the salt out!
191
00:07:14,439 --> 00:07:16,120
Since when do we
not leave the salt out?
192
00:07:16,319 --> 00:07:17,709
The salt is always out!
193
00:07:17,910 --> 00:07:20,839
I put it away always,
so the rats don't get in it.
194
00:07:21,029 --> 00:07:23,500
It's not sugar, it's salt...
195
00:07:29,750 --> 00:07:31,600
You stopped her on the street!
196
00:07:31,800 --> 00:07:33,639
She stopped me! She's a yenta!
197
00:07:33,840 --> 00:07:36,196
She walks up and down the
street waiting to stop and schmooze!
198
00:07:36,220 --> 00:07:38,939
Moishe Maisel, I have never said
199
00:07:39,139 --> 00:07:42,399
an unkind word
about you to anyone!
200
00:07:42,600 --> 00:07:44,439
Tell me when I did!
201
00:07:44,639 --> 00:07:45,990
Just last year at Disneyland!
202
00:07:46,180 --> 00:07:47,649
That jab about my tuchus!
203
00:07:47,850 --> 00:07:49,206
What I said to
Donald Duck that day
204
00:07:49,230 --> 00:07:50,529
is between me and Donald...
205
00:07:50,730 --> 00:07:52,409
Buddy, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.
206
00:07:52,610 --> 00:07:53,949
How'd you know it was me?
207
00:07:54,149 --> 00:07:55,836
I've been dreading the call
ever since I left you there.
208
00:07:55,860 --> 00:07:58,159
- How do you feel?
- Like a tank hit me.
209
00:07:58,360 --> 00:08:01,750
You went on a bender
last night, epic in scale.
210
00:08:01,949 --> 00:08:04,500
- Give me the headlines.
- You walked in smashed.
211
00:08:04,699 --> 00:08:07,386
- You were hitting on girls right in front of their dates.
- And one of them beat me up?
212
00:08:07,410 --> 00:08:09,589
No, then you went onstage
and insulted the band.
213
00:08:09,790 --> 00:08:10,790
And the band beat me up?
214
00:08:10,879 --> 00:08:12,389
No. Then you did
a little stand-up,
215
00:08:12,589 --> 00:08:14,269
and when I turned my
back, you disappeared.
216
00:08:14,339 --> 00:08:15,685
How you got back up
those stairs, I don't know,
217
00:08:15,709 --> 00:08:17,019
but you were bleeding buckets.
218
00:08:17,220 --> 00:08:18,406
I took you to the
emergency room.
219
00:08:18,430 --> 00:08:19,696
They patched you
up and released you,
220
00:08:19,720 --> 00:08:21,189
but you couldn't
go home, not alone.
221
00:08:21,389 --> 00:08:22,656
Your ribs are cracked,
you've got stitches.
222
00:08:22,680 --> 00:08:25,269
So... I brought you there.
223
00:08:25,470 --> 00:08:26,990
- Please forgive me.
- You're forgiven.
224
00:08:27,060 --> 00:08:28,536
I talked to Grumpy and
Sneezy that day, too!
225
00:08:28,560 --> 00:08:30,279
Oh, so you turned all
the Disney characters
226
00:08:30,480 --> 00:08:32,915
- against me, very nice!
- Actually, you may not be forgiven just yet.
227
00:08:32,940 --> 00:08:34,200
Jury's out.
228
00:08:34,399 --> 00:08:35,580
Anything I can do?
229
00:08:35,779 --> 00:08:37,700
Nah. I got an idea.
230
00:08:37,899 --> 00:08:39,789
I'll talk to you later.
231
00:08:39,990 --> 00:08:42,039
In your dreams!
232
00:08:42,240 --> 00:08:44,419
You think Cinderella wasn't
looking me up and down?
233
00:08:44,620 --> 00:08:45,789
Oh, yes, she was!
234
00:08:45,990 --> 00:08:49,129
Hello! We're here!
235
00:08:49,330 --> 00:08:50,720
Who's here? Who is here?
236
00:08:50,919 --> 00:08:52,129
Somebody's here!
237
00:08:52,330 --> 00:08:53,840
Hi, Grandma. Hi, Grandpa.
238
00:08:54,039 --> 00:08:56,059
- Were we expecting you?
- It's the kids.
239
00:08:56,250 --> 00:08:58,186
When I asked how they
wanted to spend their Sunday,
240
00:08:58,210 --> 00:09:00,139
they said with Grandma
and Grandpa Maisel.
241
00:09:00,340 --> 00:09:01,639
How sweet.
242
00:09:01,840 --> 00:09:03,769
Come give Grandpa a big
hug there, kids. Come on.
243
00:09:03,970 --> 00:09:05,940
No, Grandma first.
Come to Grandma.
244
00:09:06,139 --> 00:09:08,115
- I had dibs. No, come on, come on, bubele.
- Come on, come on.
245
00:09:08,139 --> 00:09:09,326
Zaydee's waiting.
Grandpa has feelings, too.
246
00:09:09,350 --> 00:09:10,666
No, you're gonna hurt my
feelings and break my heart.
247
00:09:10,690 --> 00:09:12,125
And his knees are
hurting quite badly.
248
00:09:12,149 --> 00:09:13,836
- My knees are hurting, too.
- You don't want to damage Grandpa's knees.
249
00:09:13,860 --> 00:09:15,745
- Do you? I've got candy.
- My back's not so good either.
250
00:09:15,769 --> 00:09:17,586
- Grandpa's knees are fine.
- And football injuries.
251
00:09:17,610 --> 00:09:19,666
- And my heart can break, too...
- - You don't want to break my heart.
252
00:09:19,690 --> 00:09:21,450
- It's weak already.
- Oh, look, there he is.
253
00:09:21,529 --> 00:09:23,330
Our little patient.
254
00:09:23,529 --> 00:09:26,210
- Hi.
- Hi.
255
00:09:26,409 --> 00:09:28,919
Don't be scared,
he's gonna be fine.
256
00:09:29,120 --> 00:09:31,590
Your father was hit
by a very small car,
257
00:09:31,789 --> 00:09:34,299
but already he's so much
better. Look, he's walking.
258
00:09:34,500 --> 00:09:36,850
And did you grow?
259
00:09:37,049 --> 00:09:39,470
- These aren't my pajamas.
- Okay.
260
00:09:39,669 --> 00:09:41,429
I'm fine, guys. Really.
261
00:09:41,629 --> 00:09:43,019
It looks worse than it is.
262
00:09:43,220 --> 00:09:45,190
Hey, why don't you two
go into the living room
263
00:09:45,389 --> 00:09:47,730
- and dig out your toys?
- I'll come with. Let's go, kids.
264
00:09:47,929 --> 00:09:50,480
- Yeah, I'll be right in.
- - I didn't want to come here today.
265
00:09:50,679 --> 00:09:52,649
- Go get your toys...
- Ma, where are my clothes?
266
00:09:52,850 --> 00:09:55,029
At the dry cleaner's. They
were all dirty and bloody.
267
00:09:55,230 --> 00:09:57,240
They'll be back in
six, eight hours tops.
268
00:09:57,440 --> 00:09:59,080
But what are these?
They're not Ethan's.
269
00:09:59,279 --> 00:10:00,580
They're not my old ones.
270
00:10:00,779 --> 00:10:02,580
I keep a supply of
little boy pajamas
271
00:10:02,779 --> 00:10:05,080
on hand at all times,
like everyone else.
272
00:10:05,279 --> 00:10:07,039
No one else does that.
273
00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:08,716
Hey, Shirley, better
get into the living room
274
00:10:08,740 --> 00:10:10,426
- before the kids run out of hugs.
- Oh, yeah.
275
00:10:10,450 --> 00:10:12,549
Kids, Grandma's coming.
Save me some hugs.
276
00:10:12,750 --> 00:10:15,549
It's a long story.
277
00:10:15,750 --> 00:10:18,179
Love to hear it. Come on.
278
00:10:18,379 --> 00:10:19,929
Don't pull so hard.
279
00:10:20,129 --> 00:10:21,659
Midge, you're
pulling the stitches.
280
00:10:23,370 --> 00:10:25,639
Well?
281
00:10:25,840 --> 00:10:28,019
I got into a scuffle.
282
00:10:28,220 --> 00:10:30,269
That's your long story?
That wasn't even a haiku.
283
00:10:30,470 --> 00:10:31,690
It was at the club.
284
00:10:31,889 --> 00:10:33,286
You got into a fight at the
club? Where was Archie?
285
00:10:33,309 --> 00:10:36,210
- I talked to Mei.
- Mei? Mei did not do this.
286
00:10:38,970 --> 00:10:41,990
Joel? What about Mei?
287
00:10:42,190 --> 00:10:44,539
There is no Mei, okay?
288
00:10:44,740 --> 00:10:46,100
No Mei?
289
00:10:47,139 --> 00:10:50,000
You broke up? But
what about the baby?
290
00:10:50,200 --> 00:10:51,710
There's no Mei
and there's no baby.
291
00:10:51,909 --> 00:10:53,009
There. You happy?
292
00:10:53,200 --> 00:10:55,110
No baby? I...
293
00:10:56,570 --> 00:10:57,970
No baby.
294
00:10:58,169 --> 00:10:59,679
She's moving. Moved.
295
00:10:59,879 --> 00:11:01,559
She's already in Chicago.
296
00:11:01,750 --> 00:11:02,750
- It's over.
- I'm sorry.
297
00:11:02,879 --> 00:11:04,639
- No.
- Sorry.
298
00:11:04,840 --> 00:11:06,940
I was afraid something
like this would happen.
299
00:11:07,139 --> 00:11:09,059
- Like what?
- I...
300
00:11:09,259 --> 00:11:10,769
- She wasn't ready.
- How do you know?
301
00:11:10,970 --> 00:11:13,049
I just had a feeling after
we talked at the hospital.
302
00:11:13,100 --> 00:11:15,535
- At the hospital?
- When we discussed the kids and how it would work...
303
00:11:15,559 --> 00:11:18,036
- You mean with Pop?
- she just didn't seem to be on the same page as you.
304
00:11:18,059 --> 00:11:19,870
- Are you kidding me?
- No.
305
00:11:20,059 --> 00:11:21,745
And you didn't think to
maybe give me a heads-up
306
00:11:21,769 --> 00:11:23,836
that my whole fucking life was
about to come crashing down?
307
00:11:23,860 --> 00:11:26,210
It was just a feeling
I had, an intuition.
308
00:11:26,399 --> 00:11:28,176
You never should have
spoken to her in the first place.
309
00:11:28,200 --> 00:11:29,966
- Joel...
- This is what could've pushed her over the edge.
310
00:11:29,990 --> 00:11:31,460
Made her do what she did.
311
00:11:31,659 --> 00:11:34,509
- Hey, that's not fair. She chose.
- With your help!
312
00:11:34,700 --> 00:11:36,056
I'm gonna wait till you
get better to smack you
313
00:11:36,080 --> 00:11:37,360
because now won't be fun.
314
00:11:39,070 --> 00:11:42,639
I did nothing to push Mei away.
315
00:11:42,840 --> 00:11:44,809
I've got eight hours
till my clothes are back.
316
00:11:45,009 --> 00:11:46,450
I'm gonna go lie down.
317
00:11:51,179 --> 00:11:54,080
- I could swing by your place and...
- I'm good.
318
00:11:59,600 --> 00:12:03,330
Are you fucking kidding me?
319
00:12:03,529 --> 00:12:04,870
Okay, so, I thought
I'd picked out
320
00:12:05,070 --> 00:12:06,870
the perfect first day
outfit for Gordon Ford.
321
00:12:07,070 --> 00:12:08,710
I mean, I spent
hours thinking about it,
322
00:12:08,909 --> 00:12:10,629
sorting through multiple
color combinations,
323
00:12:10,659 --> 00:12:12,620
but around 5:00 this
morning, something struck me.
324
00:12:12,740 --> 00:12:13,840
Was it a blunt object?
325
00:12:14,039 --> 00:12:15,299
- What?
- Go on.
326
00:12:15,500 --> 00:12:17,259
This isn't a standing job.
327
00:12:17,460 --> 00:12:18,629
It's a sitting job.
328
00:12:18,830 --> 00:12:21,389
Huh. Explain.
329
00:12:21,580 --> 00:12:23,049
B. Altman, I stood
at the counter.
330
00:12:23,250 --> 00:12:24,389
That was a standing job.
331
00:12:24,590 --> 00:12:26,145
Doing stand-up comedy,
that's a standing job.
332
00:12:26,169 --> 00:12:27,690
I know how to dress
for that, but this,
333
00:12:27,799 --> 00:12:30,190
working at Gordon
Ford, this is a sitting job,
334
00:12:30,389 --> 00:12:32,899
predominantly, so the
skirt can't be straight.
335
00:12:33,100 --> 00:12:34,865
I mean, it can be
straight if there's a slit in it,
336
00:12:34,889 --> 00:12:36,320
but not a side slit, no.
337
00:12:36,519 --> 00:12:37,706
If I shift in my
seat, even a little,
338
00:12:37,730 --> 00:12:38,990
they'll get an eyeful.
339
00:12:39,190 --> 00:12:40,700
A back slit is okay, like a...
340
00:12:40,899 --> 00:12:42,360
like a tasteful vent extension,
341
00:12:42,559 --> 00:12:44,240
but again, that's more
for ease of walking.
342
00:12:44,360 --> 00:12:46,740
So that brings us back
to flare. It needs to flare.
343
00:12:46,940 --> 00:12:48,716
And it needs to flare in a
way that will accommodate
344
00:12:48,740 --> 00:12:50,500
a variety of different
sitting positions.
345
00:12:50,700 --> 00:12:52,000
Interesting. Really interesting.
346
00:12:52,200 --> 00:12:54,210
- And that's why you called?
- Yep.
347
00:12:54,409 --> 00:12:58,210
So, to review, you called me
at four-fucking-fifty-fucking-six
348
00:12:58,409 --> 00:12:59,970
in the morning,
after hours of thought
349
00:13:00,159 --> 00:13:02,240
and excessive consideration
about color combinations,
350
00:13:02,289 --> 00:13:03,759
because you suddenly realized
351
00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:05,429
that this job would
involve sitting?
352
00:13:05,629 --> 00:13:07,059
- Yeah.
- But before that,
353
00:13:07,259 --> 00:13:08,485
you thought that
the job was to stand
354
00:13:08,509 --> 00:13:10,235
in front of Gordon Ford
for eight straight hours
355
00:13:10,259 --> 00:13:12,600
and pitch jokes? That
is just fucking dumb.
356
00:13:12,799 --> 00:13:14,519
I don't know what the job is.
357
00:13:14,720 --> 00:13:16,019
New rule, for you
358
00:13:16,220 --> 00:13:18,399
and the entire demented
moronic fucking Weissman clan,
359
00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:21,990
no one, and I mean no one, is
allowed to ring my goddamn phone
360
00:13:22,190 --> 00:13:24,200
before 10:30 in the
morning for any reason.
361
00:13:24,399 --> 00:13:26,070
Here's a fresh cup, Miss Susie.
362
00:13:26,269 --> 00:13:27,490
Unless It's Zelda.
363
00:13:27,690 --> 00:13:29,120
'Cause I know if Zelda calls me,
364
00:13:29,320 --> 00:13:30,966
she will make up for it
with something delicious.
365
00:13:30,990 --> 00:13:32,539
- Thank you, Miss Susie.
- Mm-hmm.
366
00:13:32,740 --> 00:13:34,039
Psst.
367
00:13:34,240 --> 00:13:36,419
I have some major
household dish for you.
368
00:13:36,620 --> 00:13:38,220
Is it dumb? Because
really, if it's dumb,
369
00:13:38,409 --> 00:13:40,015
I am throwing you out
that goddamn window.
370
00:13:40,039 --> 00:13:41,299
Zelda has a boyfriend.
371
00:13:41,500 --> 00:13:43,009
A new one? What
happened to Janusz?
372
00:13:43,210 --> 00:13:45,139
No, it is Janusz. How do
you know about Janusz?
373
00:13:45,340 --> 00:13:47,019
She's been with him
for, like, four months.
374
00:13:47,129 --> 00:13:48,525
I run into them on the
nights they hit the Village.
375
00:13:48,549 --> 00:13:49,600
He's an excellent dancer.
376
00:13:49,799 --> 00:13:51,809
How are you just
finding out about this?
377
00:13:52,009 --> 00:13:54,275
- He just changed the hardware in the bathroom.
- That was him?
378
00:13:54,299 --> 00:13:55,865
You didn't notice a guy
who looks like Mr. Clean
379
00:13:55,889 --> 00:13:58,036
who's got a boner for Zelda
hanging out in your apartment?
380
00:13:58,059 --> 00:13:59,700
Guess I'm not as
observant as I should be.
381
00:13:59,769 --> 00:14:01,090
And you're an
observational comic.
382
00:14:01,269 --> 00:14:03,076
I mean, really, there's
something missing in you.
383
00:14:03,100 --> 00:14:05,409
Oh, shoot. Drinks after work.
384
00:14:05,610 --> 00:14:07,529
Not only do I need an
outfit for sitting at work,
385
00:14:07,570 --> 00:14:09,690
but it has to be appropriate
for drinks with the gang.
386
00:14:09,860 --> 00:14:11,909
Okay. This is not
a cocktail party.
387
00:14:12,110 --> 00:14:14,159
It's a job. Here.
388
00:14:14,360 --> 00:14:15,750
This...
389
00:14:15,950 --> 00:14:18,440
with this and this.
390
00:14:19,980 --> 00:14:22,210
- And this.
- Wow. That's great.
391
00:14:22,409 --> 00:14:23,806
And you can sit in
it and everything?
392
00:14:23,830 --> 00:14:25,395
I want to be sure
that you can sit in it.
393
00:14:25,419 --> 00:14:26,980
- It's got enough flare?
- It's perfect.
394
00:14:27,090 --> 00:14:28,850
- Going back to bed.
- Thank you, Susie.
395
00:14:29,049 --> 00:14:30,350
Fuck you, Midge.
396
00:15:14,320 --> 00:15:15,889
- No!
- Who is she talking to?
397
00:15:16,090 --> 00:15:17,769
Sorry, I'm-I'm talking to him.
398
00:15:17,970 --> 00:15:20,120
Subway weirdo.
399
00:15:29,090 --> 00:15:31,029
Midge!
400
00:15:31,230 --> 00:15:33,700
I said no. I don't
want to talk to you.
401
00:15:33,899 --> 00:15:37,580
Please wait. I... I never
got a chance to explain.
402
00:15:37,779 --> 00:15:39,120
Tell it to your
espresso machine.
403
00:15:39,320 --> 00:15:40,600
Oh, Midge, come on.
404
00:15:42,639 --> 00:15:45,379
Excuse me, excuse
me. Bad man behind me.
405
00:15:45,580 --> 00:15:48,470
I have no phone number
for you, no address.
406
00:15:48,669 --> 00:15:50,679
- I had no way to contact you.
- Good.
407
00:15:50,879 --> 00:15:52,220
I didn't want you to contact me.
408
00:15:52,419 --> 00:15:53,850
Chanel? Really nice.
409
00:15:54,049 --> 00:15:55,105
I went to the park
every morning for weeks.
410
00:15:55,129 --> 00:15:56,220
You never showed.
411
00:15:56,419 --> 00:15:58,480
That's because I never
went back to the park.
412
00:15:58,679 --> 00:16:01,269
I brought flowers
every day to apologize.
413
00:16:01,470 --> 00:16:02,826
I hope you brought
'em home to the wife.
414
00:16:02,850 --> 00:16:04,289
It's a shame to waste flowers.
415
00:16:05,789 --> 00:16:07,610
- Ah, that is nice.
- Mm-hmm.
416
00:16:07,809 --> 00:16:10,360
Hey. Excuse me. Excuse me.
417
00:16:10,559 --> 00:16:13,549
Two minutes.
That's all I ask. Look.
418
00:16:15,259 --> 00:16:17,509
Two minutes!
419
00:16:20,889 --> 00:16:24,289
Okay, that was fun and all,
but I just need to tell you...
420
00:16:27,289 --> 00:16:29,899
Unbelievable.
421
00:16:31,149 --> 00:16:33,389
Excuse me. Coming through.
422
00:16:33,590 --> 00:16:35,600
- Make a hole, damn it.
- Rude!
423
00:16:35,799 --> 00:16:36,929
Me?
424
00:16:37,129 --> 00:16:38,775
You're the ones lined
up like the offensive line
425
00:16:38,799 --> 00:16:41,450
of the Princeton Tigers.
426
00:16:43,909 --> 00:16:46,269
- Hey!
- Oh, my God.
427
00:16:46,470 --> 00:16:48,029
I'd never done that, I swear.
428
00:16:48,230 --> 00:16:49,860
Done what? Stalked a
woman on the subway?
429
00:16:50,059 --> 00:16:51,740
Brought a woman
back to my place.
430
00:16:51,940 --> 00:16:54,419
- You mean you and your wife's place.
- It's not what you think.
431
00:16:54,480 --> 00:16:55,909
I'm sorry, but we
talked and talked,
432
00:16:56,110 --> 00:16:57,659
and you never said
you were married.
433
00:16:57,860 --> 00:16:59,539
- I'm not!
- So who was that, your sister?
434
00:16:59,740 --> 00:17:01,505
Was your sister unhappy you
were sleeping with another woman?
435
00:17:01,529 --> 00:17:03,635
- 'Cause that's a problem, too.
- You know, I'd really rather
436
00:17:03,659 --> 00:17:05,339
that all of New York
not hear about this.
437
00:17:05,539 --> 00:17:06,839
You're the one who started it.
438
00:17:07,039 --> 00:17:08,460
Why are you going uptown now?
439
00:17:08,660 --> 00:17:09,759
You were going downtown.
440
00:17:09,960 --> 00:17:11,130
This is downtown.
441
00:17:12,750 --> 00:17:13,750
Damn it.
442
00:17:20,740 --> 00:17:23,519
Damn it. Midge? You here?
443
00:17:23,720 --> 00:17:25,559
- Midge?
- Excuse me. Is there a problem?
444
00:17:25,759 --> 00:17:27,695
I'm sorry, I was just
looking for a friend of mine.
445
00:17:27,720 --> 00:17:30,319
Officer, that's the man who
assaulted me on the staircase.
446
00:17:30,519 --> 00:17:32,650
- Assaulted you? When?
- I didn't assault anyone.
447
00:17:32,849 --> 00:17:34,740
He cursed at us and
called us offensive.
448
00:17:34,940 --> 00:17:37,470
- What the heck?
- They were blocking the staircase.
449
00:17:46,849 --> 00:17:48,549
- Two minutes.
- Jesus H. Christ.
450
00:17:48,740 --> 00:17:51,130
Then you never have to
see me again, I promise.
451
00:17:51,329 --> 00:17:54,799
Tell him it's okay.
452
00:17:55,000 --> 00:17:56,859
It's okay.
453
00:17:58,569 --> 00:18:00,349
I messed up really bad.
454
00:18:00,549 --> 00:18:02,059
I put you in an awful situation.
455
00:18:02,259 --> 00:18:04,690
Awful? It was more than awful.
456
00:18:04,890 --> 00:18:07,559
It was every synonym
for awful, you choose.
457
00:18:07,759 --> 00:18:08,900
I'll work on one tonight.
458
00:18:09,099 --> 00:18:11,650
- So, that was my wife.
- And not your sister.
459
00:18:11,849 --> 00:18:13,369
But we were separated
and living apart.
460
00:18:13,519 --> 00:18:15,569
That was my place.
She got our old house.
461
00:18:15,769 --> 00:18:17,569
So, why'd she
waltz in like that?
462
00:18:17,769 --> 00:18:18,910
To drop off the dog,
463
00:18:19,109 --> 00:18:21,619
which she's supposed
to do with prior notice.
464
00:18:21,819 --> 00:18:24,539
- And now we're getting divorced.
- You and the dog?
465
00:18:24,740 --> 00:18:26,539
The marriage was over
long before I met you.
466
00:18:26,740 --> 00:18:30,630
Look, Midge, meeting
you, the talks we had,
467
00:18:30,829 --> 00:18:32,509
it was a lifesaver for me.
468
00:18:32,710 --> 00:18:34,930
But I'm not here to
get you to reconsider.
469
00:18:35,119 --> 00:18:36,990
I just want to apologize.
470
00:18:40,700 --> 00:18:43,059
- How is the dog?
- She took the dog.
471
00:18:43,259 --> 00:18:44,460
- What?
- And changed his name.
472
00:18:44,589 --> 00:18:46,269
That's rotten.
473
00:18:46,470 --> 00:18:48,690
Did I ruin Riverside Park
for you? Tell me I didn't.
474
00:18:48,890 --> 00:18:51,480
Just temporarily.
I'm back in it now.
475
00:18:51,680 --> 00:18:53,690
Good, 'cause it's a great park.
476
00:18:53,890 --> 00:18:55,490
It is.
477
00:18:55,690 --> 00:18:58,990
Well, maybe we'll run into each
other there again, sometime.
478
00:18:59,190 --> 00:19:00,619
Maybe.
479
00:19:00,819 --> 00:19:02,450
Maybe's good.
480
00:19:02,650 --> 00:19:04,180
I'll take maybe.
481
00:19:05,220 --> 00:19:06,369
Bye, Midge.
482
00:19:06,569 --> 00:19:08,430
Goodbye, Sylvio.
483
00:19:10,059 --> 00:19:12,460
I'm rooting for you, son.
484
00:19:50,029 --> 00:19:51,589
And you say Gordon hired you?
485
00:19:51,779 --> 00:19:53,670
Gordon doesn't hire
people personally.
486
00:19:53,869 --> 00:19:56,380
I know it's unusual, but
he came to my strip club,
487
00:19:56,579 --> 00:19:57,759
uh, my club,
488
00:19:57,960 --> 00:20:00,049
- where I perform.
- Oh, I get it.
489
00:20:00,250 --> 00:20:02,549
No, you don't. I'm a
stand-up. A comedian.
490
00:20:02,750 --> 00:20:04,220
So, you're here
to be on the show?
491
00:20:04,420 --> 00:20:06,019
You have to be booked
to be on the show.
492
00:20:06,220 --> 00:20:07,660
You can't just
walk in off the street
493
00:20:07,799 --> 00:20:09,079
and ask to be
booked on the show.
494
00:20:09,180 --> 00:20:11,650
I didn't just walk in
off the street. Oh, wait.
495
00:20:11,849 --> 00:20:14,150
He knows me. Mike! Mike! Mike!
496
00:20:14,349 --> 00:20:16,319
Mike! Mike! Mike! Mike! Mike!
497
00:20:16,519 --> 00:20:18,420
Mike! Mike! Midge Maisel.
498
00:20:19,750 --> 00:20:20,750
Let her in.
499
00:20:24,839 --> 00:20:27,660
You and I haven't
officially met.
500
00:20:27,859 --> 00:20:29,619
Look, Mike,
501
00:20:29,819 --> 00:20:31,546
I know you and Susie
got off to a rocky start.
502
00:20:31,569 --> 00:20:34,000
Rocky start.
You're... very funny.
503
00:20:34,200 --> 00:20:36,135
But now I'm here, and don't
you think it would be best to...
504
00:20:36,160 --> 00:20:37,279
Do you know it has no smell?
505
00:20:37,329 --> 00:20:38,970
What? What doesn't?
506
00:20:39,170 --> 00:20:40,170
My tree.
507
00:20:40,329 --> 00:20:41,609
Because it's a
piece of shit tree
508
00:20:41,789 --> 00:20:43,150
that I grabbed in
haste to get away
509
00:20:43,210 --> 00:20:45,640
from your little troll of a
manager. My apartment has
510
00:20:45,839 --> 00:20:47,430
no Christmassy smell
511
00:20:47,630 --> 00:20:48,890
'cause the goddamn tree
512
00:20:49,089 --> 00:20:51,099
is a piece of
shit, lifeless tree.
513
00:20:51,299 --> 00:20:52,900
You are gonna learn to like me.
514
00:20:53,099 --> 00:20:55,650
Boy, you two, peas in a pod.
515
00:20:55,849 --> 00:20:57,609
It may take a month,
two months tops.
516
00:20:57,809 --> 00:20:59,069
Hell, give me six months,
517
00:20:59,269 --> 00:21:00,786
and you and I are
bowling and drinking beer.
518
00:21:00,809 --> 00:21:02,996
Look, I got to go, but would
you deliver a message to Susie?
519
00:21:03,019 --> 00:21:04,019
Sure.
520
00:21:06,380 --> 00:21:07,660
I will pass it on.
521
00:21:07,859 --> 00:21:10,099
You're late, by the way.
522
00:21:11,759 --> 00:21:13,880
Those are the
writers? Is that...
523
00:21:14,079 --> 00:21:15,256
Is that where I'm
supposed to go?
524
00:21:15,279 --> 00:21:17,650
- That's the writers' room. Go.
- Thanks.
525
00:21:19,900 --> 00:21:22,130
- Oop.
- - You don't think he could direct
526
00:21:22,329 --> 00:21:24,339
- a drama, Alvin?
- - Mel was on Caesar with me.
527
00:21:24,539 --> 00:21:26,640
I have no problem with Mel
Brooks. I like Mel Brooks.
528
00:21:26,839 --> 00:21:28,140
Mel Brooks is funny.
529
00:21:28,339 --> 00:21:29,599
- But?
- Here it comes.
530
00:21:29,799 --> 00:21:31,230
- He likes air.
- Oh!
531
00:21:31,430 --> 00:21:33,099
Oh, does he like air.
532
00:21:33,299 --> 00:21:35,980
He comes in a room like a
Hoover, and he sucks it all up.
533
00:21:36,180 --> 00:21:38,690
Ask Simon. Ask
Gelbart. Hell, ask Sid.
534
00:21:38,890 --> 00:21:41,150
The green-eyed monster
doth mock the meat it feeds on.
535
00:21:41,349 --> 00:21:43,069
Geez, Cess,
Shakespeare before noon?
536
00:21:43,269 --> 00:21:44,569
My only request, dear Alvin,
537
00:21:44,769 --> 00:21:46,779
please stop taking your
hatred for Mel Brooks
538
00:21:46,980 --> 00:21:48,869
out on me just because
we share a name.
539
00:21:49,069 --> 00:21:51,140
- I don't hate Mel Brooks.
- Me neither.
540
00:21:52,509 --> 00:21:54,289
Hi.
541
00:21:54,490 --> 00:21:55,490
Am I in the right place?
542
00:21:55,569 --> 00:21:56,569
- No.
- Don't think so.
543
00:21:56,619 --> 00:21:57,766
This is the writers'
room, right?
544
00:21:57,789 --> 00:21:59,226
- Pretty much. - Who's asking?
- We're writers in a room.
545
00:21:59,250 --> 00:22:00,799
Well, I'm your new writer.
546
00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:02,170
Alvin?
547
00:22:02,369 --> 00:22:04,145
George mentioned some
girl was starting with us.
548
00:22:04,170 --> 00:22:04,970
He didn't say when.
549
00:22:05,170 --> 00:22:06,299
Well, I'm some girl,
550
00:22:06,500 --> 00:22:07,859
and today is the
day. Who's George?
551
00:22:07,960 --> 00:22:09,930
- You'll know him when you see him.
- Mothballs.
552
00:22:10,130 --> 00:22:11,809
- Boat shoes.
- I have boat shoes.
553
00:22:12,009 --> 00:22:13,816
I wouldn't have minded being
consulted about a new hire,
554
00:22:13,839 --> 00:22:16,519
but I'm just the head writer,
so what do I know? Milly?
555
00:22:16,720 --> 00:22:18,059
- Midge.
- Midge?
556
00:22:18,259 --> 00:22:20,246
Never trust people whose
names don't rhyme with anything.
557
00:22:20,269 --> 00:22:22,440
Smidge. Bridge. Fridge.
558
00:22:22,640 --> 00:22:23,400
Shit.
559
00:22:23,599 --> 00:22:25,069
That's Ralph, Mel, Adam, Cecil,
560
00:22:25,269 --> 00:22:26,700
- and I'm Alvin. Sit.
- Great.
561
00:22:26,900 --> 00:22:28,450
Got my sitting outfit on.
562
00:22:28,650 --> 00:22:30,490
- Your what?
- It's a flared skirt
563
00:22:30,690 --> 00:22:31,965
for sitting instead of standing.
564
00:22:31,990 --> 00:22:33,625
I mean, you can stand
in it, but it looks good
565
00:22:33,650 --> 00:22:34,650
when you're sitting, too.
566
00:22:34,740 --> 00:22:36,420
Got that versatility,
like pants.
567
00:22:36,619 --> 00:22:38,079
So, Gordon's in a foul mood.
568
00:22:38,279 --> 00:22:40,519
- Again?
- What in that man's charmed life is so terrible?
569
00:22:40,700 --> 00:22:41,806
- He's given up smoking.
- Oh, Jesus.
570
00:22:41,829 --> 00:22:42,976
- Oh, come on.
- Oh, for God's sake.
571
00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:44,240
And he doesn't want anyone else
572
00:22:44,369 --> 00:22:45,630
smoking in the office.
573
00:22:45,829 --> 00:22:47,766
If he gets divorced, does
everyone else have to, too?
574
00:22:47,789 --> 00:22:49,599
Can I finish this
one at least? No?
575
00:22:49,799 --> 00:22:51,769
Guess cancer will have to wait.
576
00:22:51,960 --> 00:22:53,349
First they came
for the cigarettes,
577
00:22:53,549 --> 00:22:54,680
and I did not speak out.
578
00:22:54,880 --> 00:22:56,119
So, let's get going here, boys.
579
00:22:56,299 --> 00:22:58,230
- Give me a good mix, 20 in one.
- Uh...
580
00:22:58,430 --> 00:23:00,019
What... Wait, where...
581
00:23:00,220 --> 00:23:02,109
Um, Alvin, what's 20 in one?
582
00:23:02,309 --> 00:23:03,940
Yeah?
583
00:23:04,140 --> 00:23:05,415
Yeah, I know
Bernstein's tonight.
584
00:23:05,440 --> 00:23:06,990
I read the memo.
585
00:23:07,190 --> 00:23:09,569
No, I'm not gonna hand him a
bunch of dumb Maestro jokes.
586
00:23:09,769 --> 00:23:12,329
Come on, Alex. Just give
him a goddamn cigarette.
587
00:23:16,930 --> 00:23:18,670
Hi. Hey.
588
00:23:18,869 --> 00:23:20,710
Any idea what 20 in one is?
589
00:23:20,910 --> 00:23:23,170
Nope.
590
00:23:23,369 --> 00:23:25,130
The Gordon Ford Show.
591
00:23:25,329 --> 00:23:27,180
Yes, he's quit smoking.
592
00:23:27,369 --> 00:23:28,730
Well, we're spreading
the word now,
593
00:23:28,880 --> 00:23:30,890
we weren't keeping it from you.
594
00:23:31,089 --> 00:23:34,019
Yes, we all have
to quit smoking.
595
00:23:34,220 --> 00:23:35,980
Oh, hi, Midge.
Susie, it's Midge.
596
00:23:36,180 --> 00:23:38,809
She sounds a little weird.
597
00:23:39,009 --> 00:23:40,109
How's it going, champ?
598
00:23:40,299 --> 00:23:42,980
Panic. I'm in a panic. Oh, boy.
599
00:23:43,180 --> 00:23:44,940
- Take a deep breath.
- I'm hyperventilating.
600
00:23:45,099 --> 00:23:46,569
Stick your head
between your legs.
601
00:23:46,769 --> 00:23:47,990
Who is that? Dinah?
602
00:23:48,190 --> 00:23:49,950
Or have a cigarette.
603
00:23:50,150 --> 00:23:52,109
- What is wrong with you?
- Why didn't you tell me
604
00:23:52,150 --> 00:23:52,950
about 20 in one?
605
00:23:53,150 --> 00:23:54,660
I don't know. What is 20 in one?
606
00:23:54,859 --> 00:23:56,779
The head writer just
sent us off to do 20 in one.
607
00:23:56,859 --> 00:23:59,829
It's 20 jokes in one hour, and
that was eight minutes ago,
608
00:24:00,029 --> 00:24:03,039
so I've got... I'm so freaked
out, I can't even do the math.
609
00:24:03,240 --> 00:24:04,960
You've got 52 minutes
to write 20 jokes.
610
00:24:05,160 --> 00:24:08,089
Quick math here, that's a
joke every 2.6 minutes. Ha.
611
00:24:08,289 --> 00:24:09,839
- Finally using math.
- Not helping.
612
00:24:10,039 --> 00:24:11,645
And I'm assuming they need
to be broadcast quality jokes.
613
00:24:11,670 --> 00:24:12,470
Each one a winner.
614
00:24:12,670 --> 00:24:14,309
Dinah, why are you on the phone?
615
00:24:14,509 --> 00:24:15,789
I got her on to
listen and learn.
616
00:24:15,839 --> 00:24:17,195
It's how all the
big agencies do it.
617
00:24:17,220 --> 00:24:19,059
You're now down to a
joke every 2.5 minutes.
618
00:24:19,259 --> 00:24:20,619
You're not supposed
to talk, Dinah.
619
00:24:20,720 --> 00:24:22,230
I don't toss
jokes off like that.
620
00:24:22,430 --> 00:24:24,569
They take time. I mold them,
621
00:24:24,769 --> 00:24:26,286
massage them, and
now I'm just blanking,
622
00:24:26,309 --> 00:24:27,440
and the clock is ticking.
623
00:24:27,640 --> 00:24:29,826
Well, let's prime the pump
here, get the juices flowing.
624
00:24:29,849 --> 00:24:32,950
How about this? Uh, Washington
Square Park isn't square,
625
00:24:33,150 --> 00:24:35,029
it's a rectangle, so they
should change the name
626
00:24:35,230 --> 00:24:36,700
to Washington Rectangle Park.
627
00:24:36,900 --> 00:24:38,619
- Oh, that's cute.
- That's a terrible joke.
628
00:24:38,779 --> 00:24:40,819
Yeah, well I'm not the
fucking joke writer. You are.
629
00:24:40,990 --> 00:24:42,420
No, I'm not. I told you that.
630
00:24:42,619 --> 00:24:44,960
Well, you've got the job,
so fake it till you make it.
631
00:24:45,160 --> 00:24:48,130
I should check my notebook.
See if anything inspires me.
632
00:24:48,329 --> 00:24:50,569
All that matters is that Gordon
Ford thinks you're funny.
633
00:24:50,710 --> 00:24:52,720
How's it going with
him? You two bonding?
634
00:24:52,920 --> 00:24:54,566
I haven't seen him. I
think he's in a different part
635
00:24:54,589 --> 00:24:56,605
of the building. And was I
supposed to have an office?
636
00:24:56,630 --> 00:24:57,986
Because I don't
seem to have an office.
637
00:24:58,009 --> 00:24:58,809
I didn't think about that.
638
00:24:59,009 --> 00:25:00,099
Barely even have a chair,
639
00:25:00,299 --> 00:25:01,865
and I-I have no idea
where the ladies' room is,
640
00:25:01,890 --> 00:25:03,365
and everyone seems
to be talking in code,
641
00:25:03,390 --> 00:25:05,480
and Mike Carr wanted
me to pass this on to you.
642
00:25:05,680 --> 00:25:06,960
I assume you're flipping me off.
643
00:25:07,059 --> 00:25:08,900
Both fingers. I got to go.
644
00:25:09,099 --> 00:25:11,490
Got to start thinking...
writing. Goodbye.
645
00:25:13,900 --> 00:25:15,450
Gordon Ford Show.
646
00:25:15,650 --> 00:25:17,579
I really loved him.
647
00:25:17,779 --> 00:25:18,869
He's the one I miss.
648
00:25:19,069 --> 00:25:20,750
How did your second husband die?
649
00:25:20,950 --> 00:25:22,750
Well, it was the darndest thing.
650
00:25:22,950 --> 00:25:24,675
It was winter, and he was
walking down the street
651
00:25:24,700 --> 00:25:26,500
- when he slipped on ice.
- Oh, my God.
652
00:25:26,700 --> 00:25:29,299
It gets worse. The
street was on a hill,
653
00:25:29,500 --> 00:25:31,220
and he slid all the way
down where these men
654
00:25:31,289 --> 00:25:33,009
- were running a wood chipper.
- Oh, my God.
655
00:25:33,170 --> 00:25:35,759
It gets worse. Rose,
where are you going?
656
00:25:38,549 --> 00:25:40,849
Oh, no. Oh, my God.
657
00:25:41,049 --> 00:25:42,690
- What happened?
- A fire happened, lady.
658
00:25:42,890 --> 00:25:43,890
Now, please, back away.
659
00:25:43,930 --> 00:25:45,690
- But how?
- Could be electrical,
660
00:25:45,890 --> 00:25:46,986
could be arson,
we don't know yet.
661
00:25:47,009 --> 00:25:48,019
Arson...
662
00:25:48,220 --> 00:25:50,029
This is too much.
663
00:25:50,230 --> 00:25:51,690
This is too damn much.
664
00:25:51,890 --> 00:25:53,779
What is, Rose?
What's too damn much?
665
00:25:53,980 --> 00:25:56,259
My tearoom.
666
00:26:00,609 --> 00:26:03,579
Mr. Carr, Florence on 2.
667
00:26:10,650 --> 00:26:12,509
I think that was
just 59 minutes.
668
00:26:12,710 --> 00:26:14,930
Shut up. All right,
Mel, you look smug
669
00:26:15,130 --> 00:26:17,299
and self-satisfied.
Start us off.
670
00:26:17,500 --> 00:26:19,509
"Last week marked the
Broadway debut of Camelot
671
00:26:19,710 --> 00:26:20,935
and the off-Broadway
debut of Cam-A-Little."
672
00:26:20,960 --> 00:26:22,019
Put it in the maybes.
673
00:26:22,220 --> 00:26:23,220
- Adam?
- Uh...
674
00:26:23,339 --> 00:26:24,339
"It's that time of year,
675
00:26:24,390 --> 00:26:25,750
kids are writing
letters to Santa."
676
00:26:25,799 --> 00:26:26,865
He doesn't like Santa jokes.
677
00:26:26,890 --> 00:26:28,150
Can I finish?
678
00:26:28,349 --> 00:26:29,900
"Isn't the faith of
a child amazing?
679
00:26:30,099 --> 00:26:32,115
To believe that Santa Claus
will come down your chimney
680
00:26:32,140 --> 00:26:34,380
with presents, even after
seeing him hungover at Macy's."
681
00:26:34,480 --> 00:26:36,279
- He doesn't like Santa jokes.
- Shit.
682
00:26:36,480 --> 00:26:38,619
- Ralphy?
- Skipping over my Santa jokes.
683
00:26:38,819 --> 00:26:40,950
Uh, "So, you may have
heard that NASA is planning
684
00:26:41,150 --> 00:26:42,579
to send a chimp into space.
685
00:26:42,779 --> 00:26:44,539
They wanted to send a
chump, but Jerry Lewis
686
00:26:44,740 --> 00:26:47,000
and my producer
George refused to go."
687
00:26:47,200 --> 00:26:48,715
Run it by George,
see if it bothers him.
688
00:26:48,740 --> 00:26:50,339
They need to cut to
a shot of him. Cecil?
689
00:26:50,410 --> 00:26:52,759
I miss Nixon.
690
00:26:52,960 --> 00:26:55,049
- And?
- Oh, that's it, that's all I got.
691
00:26:55,250 --> 00:26:57,799
Astounding professionalism,
Cess. I'll get back to you.
692
00:26:58,000 --> 00:26:59,349
New girl?
693
00:26:59,549 --> 00:27:01,220
Oh, uh... that's me.
694
00:27:01,420 --> 00:27:02,605
Only one with girl
parts in the room.
695
00:27:02,630 --> 00:27:03,640
Don't make assumptions.
696
00:27:03,839 --> 00:27:04,839
"There's an old saying,
697
00:27:04,970 --> 00:27:06,269
if you ever need someone to..."
698
00:27:12,980 --> 00:27:15,740
When someone hits the john,
we do this to cover the sound.
699
00:27:15,940 --> 00:27:17,200
Got it.
700
00:27:25,779 --> 00:27:27,329
- Where were we?
- The girl.
701
00:27:27,529 --> 00:27:28,579
- That's me.
- Go ahead.
702
00:27:28,779 --> 00:27:31,339
Okay. "So, there's
an old saying..."
703
00:27:39,130 --> 00:27:41,220
Amanuensis!
704
00:27:41,420 --> 00:27:44,680
- Amanuensis!
- Coming!
705
00:27:44,880 --> 00:27:46,230
Type 'em up and
get 'em to Gordon.
706
00:27:46,430 --> 00:27:48,039
- Got it.
- That's lunch.
707
00:27:50,329 --> 00:27:51,329
Where you going?
708
00:27:51,509 --> 00:27:53,650
- Chinese. - Pass.
- So, Alvin, none
709
00:27:53,849 --> 00:27:55,289
of my jokes got into...
710
00:28:00,859 --> 00:28:02,740
Right, sorry.
711
00:28:33,009 --> 00:28:34,019
- Abe.
- Hello, Terrence.
712
00:28:34,220 --> 00:28:35,529
Gesundheit.
713
00:28:35,720 --> 00:28:38,150
Thank you. You should
probably be getting to your lunch.
714
00:28:38,349 --> 00:28:40,150
Oh, dear, I lost
track of the time.
715
00:28:40,349 --> 00:28:41,859
Gesundheit.
716
00:28:42,059 --> 00:28:43,829
I'd go, but this damn cold.
717
00:28:44,019 --> 00:28:46,079
Maury downstairs has
a really bad cold, too.
718
00:28:46,279 --> 00:28:48,700
Anything specific you want
me to discuss with her, or...
719
00:28:48,900 --> 00:28:50,299
It's just a "get to
know you" lunch.
720
00:28:50,450 --> 00:28:52,256
She'll talk up some things
she wants to bring to New York,
721
00:28:52,279 --> 00:28:55,250
bend your ear a little bit.
She liked your review, too.
722
00:28:55,450 --> 00:28:56,750
Gesundheit.
723
00:28:56,950 --> 00:28:58,049
- Thank you.
- Which one?
724
00:28:58,250 --> 00:29:00,220
That comedy she
transferred from the West End.
725
00:29:00,420 --> 00:29:01,509
A Pudding for Nigel.
726
00:29:01,710 --> 00:29:03,009
Oh, that was wonderful.
727
00:29:03,210 --> 00:29:04,410
I did pick at it a little bit.
728
00:29:04,589 --> 00:29:06,599
And she made changes
based on your criticism.
729
00:29:06,799 --> 00:29:08,769
Said they made it so much...
730
00:29:08,970 --> 00:29:10,690
so much...
731
00:29:10,880 --> 00:29:12,269
Let's go with "better."
732
00:29:12,470 --> 00:29:13,809
Penelope is a true Brit.
733
00:29:14,009 --> 00:29:16,036
Her father owns six newspapers,
her mother is a baroness,
734
00:29:16,059 --> 00:29:17,730
they're very chummy
with the Royals.
735
00:29:17,930 --> 00:29:19,210
- Wow.
- She'll tell you stories.
736
00:29:19,309 --> 00:29:21,569
- Great stories. It'll be fun.
- I'll report back.
737
00:29:21,769 --> 00:29:23,990
And the Voice pays for
lunch. We take no favors.
738
00:29:24,190 --> 00:29:26,119
Got it.
739
00:29:26,319 --> 00:29:28,119
I was going to say "better."
740
00:29:28,319 --> 00:29:29,950
We figured.
741
00:29:45,859 --> 00:29:46,859
Francie.
742
00:29:47,049 --> 00:29:50,180
Double, triple,
quadruple-check this.
743
00:29:50,380 --> 00:29:52,480
If they crap out again,
we find a new car service.
744
00:29:52,680 --> 00:29:55,019
- How was your morning?
- Really?
745
00:29:55,220 --> 00:29:57,859
Just trying to break the ice.
I gave Susie your message.
746
00:29:58,059 --> 00:30:00,569
Well, there he is,
spectacularly late,
747
00:30:00,769 --> 00:30:02,650
as always. Harassing the staff.
748
00:30:02,849 --> 00:30:05,029
- Oh, he's in fine form.
- Who is that?
749
00:30:05,230 --> 00:30:07,160
That is George Toledano,
750
00:30:07,359 --> 00:30:09,539
venerated producer of
The Gordon Ford Show.
751
00:30:09,740 --> 00:30:12,289
Oh. I've been hearing about him.
Would you mind introducing us?
752
00:30:12,490 --> 00:30:13,920
I want him to die.
753
00:30:14,109 --> 00:30:16,460
- So, I should introduce myself?
- A long,
754
00:30:16,660 --> 00:30:18,460
painful death. I
want him to fall off
755
00:30:18,660 --> 00:30:20,759
that stupid tiny
dinghy he calls a yacht,
756
00:30:20,950 --> 00:30:22,150
but I don't want him to drown.
757
00:30:22,329 --> 00:30:23,970
I want him to float
758
00:30:24,170 --> 00:30:25,930
on a splintery
piece of driftwood.
759
00:30:26,130 --> 00:30:28,930
That asinine,
condescending, supercilious...
760
00:30:29,130 --> 00:30:30,599
George. How are you today?
761
00:30:30,799 --> 00:30:33,140
Mikey, my boy. How's
it going, old sport?
762
00:30:33,339 --> 00:30:35,390
Oh, you know, George,
same old, same old.
763
00:30:35,589 --> 00:30:37,609
I don't believe I've met
this sight for sore eyes.
764
00:30:37,799 --> 00:30:39,519
I'm a new writer,
sir. Midge Maisel.
765
00:30:39,720 --> 00:30:41,650
I heard we had a lady
writer coming aboard.
766
00:30:41,849 --> 00:30:43,900
Nice to meet you.
And call me George.
767
00:30:44,099 --> 00:30:45,400
You can call me George, too.
768
00:30:45,599 --> 00:30:47,200
Funny. I like that.
769
00:30:47,400 --> 00:30:48,660
You must know Madelyn Pugh.
770
00:30:48,859 --> 00:30:50,369
I don't think so.
771
00:30:50,569 --> 00:30:52,660
Wrote for I Love
Lucy? Funny lady.
772
00:30:52,859 --> 00:30:55,175
How about, uh, Nancy Clark?
Writes for The Ann Sothern Show.
773
00:30:55,200 --> 00:30:57,006
Oh, she doesn't know
every lady writer, George.
774
00:30:57,029 --> 00:30:59,539
- Nice to have you here.
- Thank you.
775
00:30:59,740 --> 00:31:01,130
- Nice boat shoes.
- Ooh.
776
00:31:01,329 --> 00:31:03,170
You certainly
beautify the place.
777
00:31:03,369 --> 00:31:05,569
I can cancel those
new plants I ordered.
778
00:31:07,150 --> 00:31:10,180
He gets kissy at parties,
so watch yourself.
779
00:31:10,380 --> 00:31:12,180
- Thanks for the warning.
- Goddamn it.
780
00:31:14,380 --> 00:31:16,450
Goddamn writers
handing me this crap.
781
00:31:21,140 --> 00:31:22,569
Can we just toss
cigarettes at him?
782
00:31:22,769 --> 00:31:25,029
- Lit?
- That's a fire hazard.
783
00:31:25,230 --> 00:31:26,650
Back to the drawing
board, fellas.
784
00:31:26,849 --> 00:31:27,849
Let's assemble.
785
00:31:27,940 --> 00:31:29,200
They'll get us there, Gordy.
786
00:31:29,400 --> 00:31:30,869
They always do.
787
00:31:31,069 --> 00:31:33,339
- Unbelievable. - Wow.
- God.
788
00:31:34,799 --> 00:31:36,079
So, what's the deal?
789
00:31:36,279 --> 00:31:38,079
He wants them
shorter and not topical.
790
00:31:38,279 --> 00:31:39,079
Now he tells us.
791
00:31:39,279 --> 00:31:40,460
Wasted the whole morning.
792
00:31:40,660 --> 00:31:42,349
Until the bell, guys. 20 in one.
793
00:31:44,150 --> 00:31:46,470
- I need coffee.
- Trudy, coffee run.
794
00:31:46,670 --> 00:31:49,799
Everything shut down during
the war. The arts were decimated.
795
00:31:50,000 --> 00:31:51,200
Were you there the whole time?
796
00:31:51,380 --> 00:31:53,009
I was in London
during the Blitz.
797
00:31:53,210 --> 00:31:54,390
I saw the German Luftwaffe
798
00:31:54,589 --> 00:31:55,849
flying through the air.
799
00:31:56,049 --> 00:31:58,019
My grandmother's house
in Mayfair was bombed.
800
00:31:58,220 --> 00:32:00,019
- My God.
- She lived,
801
00:32:00,220 --> 00:32:01,579
but we thought the
world had ended.
802
00:32:02,640 --> 00:32:05,029
Then, in '44, Larry
did Richard the Third.
803
00:32:05,230 --> 00:32:06,400
- Larry?
- Olivier.
804
00:32:06,599 --> 00:32:07,900
- Ah.
- I sat in the front row,
805
00:32:08,099 --> 00:32:11,740
and, I don't know, my faith
in mankind was restored.
806
00:32:11,940 --> 00:32:13,875
- I knew that we could beat Hitler.
- That's wonderful.
807
00:32:13,900 --> 00:32:14,900
Then I slept with Larry.
808
00:32:15,069 --> 00:32:16,700
That's better than
sleeping with Hitler.
809
00:32:16,900 --> 00:32:19,339
I know it sounds silly, but that
helped restore my faith, too.
810
00:32:19,490 --> 00:32:21,500
- Mm.
- Our île flottante,
811
00:32:21,700 --> 00:32:23,670
- and it's on the house.
- Darling boy, thank you.
812
00:32:23,869 --> 00:32:25,759
- L'addition, s'il vous plait?
- Right away.
813
00:32:25,950 --> 00:32:27,759
Abraham, I'll
leave you with this,
814
00:32:27,960 --> 00:32:29,130
Harold Pinter.
815
00:32:29,329 --> 00:32:31,170
I'm bringing The Birthday
Party here in spring,
816
00:32:31,329 --> 00:32:33,509
- and I want you to see it.
- I'd love to.
817
00:32:33,710 --> 00:32:36,470
He's not for everybody,
but I think he's a mad genius,
818
00:32:36,670 --> 00:32:39,559
and he's only 30,
such a young, virile age.
819
00:32:39,759 --> 00:32:41,150
The Nobel is in his future.
820
00:32:41,339 --> 00:32:43,019
- I'll be there.
- Music to my ears.
821
00:32:43,220 --> 00:32:45,730
Oh, dear, it's so much
later than I thought.
822
00:32:45,930 --> 00:32:48,529
Ah, this is on the Voice.
823
00:32:48,730 --> 00:32:50,319
So kind.
824
00:32:50,519 --> 00:32:53,200
I should bring my wife
here. She'd love this place.
825
00:32:53,400 --> 00:32:54,660
She's such a Francophile.
826
00:32:54,859 --> 00:32:56,410
- My husband is French.
- Ah.
827
00:32:56,609 --> 00:32:59,460
They should meet. Now,
I'm so sorry, I have to dash.
828
00:32:59,650 --> 00:33:01,420
More île flottante pour moi.
829
00:33:01,619 --> 00:33:05,089
If I had known I'd be dining
with such a charming man,
830
00:33:05,289 --> 00:33:06,750
I'd have scheduled
time to linger.
831
00:33:06,950 --> 00:33:09,519
Next time I won't
make that mistake.
832
00:33:13,319 --> 00:33:14,799
This...
833
00:33:15,000 --> 00:33:16,470
this wallet
834
00:33:16,670 --> 00:33:18,140
is so old.
835
00:33:18,339 --> 00:33:19,519
I really need
836
00:33:19,720 --> 00:33:21,019
change it out.
837
00:33:21,220 --> 00:33:23,099
I'm trying to
838
00:33:23,299 --> 00:33:26,769
remember how old it is.
Maybe seven, eight years.
839
00:33:26,970 --> 00:33:29,740
You don't think to change
your wallet till you get one
840
00:33:29,940 --> 00:33:32,069
as a gift, but if you
don't get one as a gift,
841
00:33:32,269 --> 00:33:33,990
you never change your wallet.
842
00:33:34,190 --> 00:33:36,410
- How are you liking it?
- Liking what?
843
00:33:36,609 --> 00:33:37,950
The, uh, dessert?
844
00:33:38,150 --> 00:33:40,200
Ah, it's... it's...
845
00:33:40,400 --> 00:33:42,369
ve-ve-very-very
good, very fine. Here.
846
00:33:42,569 --> 00:33:44,380
- Ah. Merci.
- Here.
847
00:33:44,569 --> 00:33:45,960
You are silly.
848
00:33:46,160 --> 00:33:48,710
At times, yes,
but at other times
849
00:33:48,910 --> 00:33:51,670
I'm more... dramatic,
850
00:33:51,869 --> 00:33:54,930
like Olivier, or not Olivier,
I'm nothing like Olivier.
851
00:33:55,130 --> 00:33:56,759
I'm more like...
852
00:33:56,960 --> 00:33:58,970
Buster Keaton,
853
00:33:59,170 --> 00:34:01,180
just a big, old,
854
00:34:01,380 --> 00:34:04,269
sad, floppy clown boy.
855
00:34:04,470 --> 00:34:06,559
Sweet.
856
00:34:06,759 --> 00:34:09,210
Till next time.
857
00:34:16,219 --> 00:34:18,335
They've been gone a long
time. That's a good sign, right?
858
00:34:18,360 --> 00:34:19,739
Not necessarily. Last Tuesday?
859
00:34:19,940 --> 00:34:21,329
We almost didn't make it to air.
860
00:34:21,530 --> 00:34:23,335
- Should I get my typewriter?
- Do not get your typewriter.
861
00:34:23,360 --> 00:34:25,346
- What are we waiting for?
- The verdict from rehearsal.
862
00:34:25,369 --> 00:34:26,750
Here they come. Duck and cover.
863
00:34:26,949 --> 00:34:28,750
- Ah, hell.
- Goddamn it, Teddy.
864
00:34:28,949 --> 00:34:30,880
- I love you guys, too.
- What happened?
865
00:34:31,079 --> 00:34:33,280
He's the cue card guy. Means
the monologue's not locked.
866
00:34:33,329 --> 00:34:35,226
- Should I get my typewriter?
- Do not get your typewriter.
867
00:34:35,250 --> 00:34:36,469
- What's left?
- Zip.
868
00:34:36,670 --> 00:34:38,396
- He threw the entire thing out.
- Holy shit.
869
00:34:38,420 --> 00:34:39,559
It's one hour to show.
870
00:34:39,750 --> 00:34:40,936
Should've gotten my typewriter.
871
00:34:40,960 --> 00:34:41,969
Definitely.
872
00:34:42,170 --> 00:34:43,449
I know it's disappointing, gang,
873
00:34:43,550 --> 00:34:45,059
but ours is not to reason why,
874
00:34:45,260 --> 00:34:47,269
ours is but to write
new jokes or die.
875
00:34:47,469 --> 00:34:51,280
Now, I've got to go say
hello to Angie Dickinson.
876
00:34:51,469 --> 00:34:53,860
Poor me.
877
00:34:54,059 --> 00:34:57,070
Okay, guys, lightning round.
Old, new, whatever you got.
878
00:34:57,269 --> 00:34:58,619
Oh, shit.
879
00:34:58,820 --> 00:35:00,139
- Trudy, hustle.
- I'm already in.
880
00:35:00,190 --> 00:35:01,539
Gordon wants 'em topical.
881
00:35:01,739 --> 00:35:03,255
You said before he
wanted 'em not topical.
882
00:35:03,280 --> 00:35:05,750
Gordon is large, he
contains multitudes. Ralphy?
883
00:35:05,949 --> 00:35:07,880
Uh, topical, topical...
884
00:35:08,070 --> 00:35:10,460
Uh, "Emily Post died,
so now no one knows
885
00:35:10,659 --> 00:35:12,516
the proper etiquette to
send their condolences."
886
00:35:12,539 --> 00:35:13,920
- Not bad.
- Get it down. Cess?
887
00:35:14,119 --> 00:35:16,476
Uh, "I went to the premiere
of a French film the other day."
888
00:35:16,500 --> 00:35:18,679
It's called Le
Hau-hau-hau-hau-hauuu."
889
00:35:18,880 --> 00:35:20,849
"Translates roughly
into English as
890
00:35:21,050 --> 00:35:22,429
Le Hau-hau-hau-hau-hauuu."
891
00:35:22,630 --> 00:35:24,670
Not bad. We should follow
it up with something. Mel?
892
00:35:24,840 --> 00:35:26,940
"Ben-Hur, if he's a him,
what's with the Hur?"
893
00:35:27,139 --> 00:35:28,940
- Pass. Adam?
- Uh, "Some sad news,
894
00:35:29,139 --> 00:35:31,360
Clark Gable passed away.
He's survived by his wife,
895
00:35:31,559 --> 00:35:32,800
his children and his mustache."
896
00:35:32,849 --> 00:35:34,690
He loved Gable.
Put it in. Who else?
897
00:35:34,889 --> 00:35:38,280
Uh, well, I worked on some
new stuff during rehearsal.
898
00:35:38,480 --> 00:35:40,070
- You what?
- Jesus.
899
00:35:40,269 --> 00:35:42,070
- I worked on some new stuff.
- She jinxed it.
900
00:35:42,150 --> 00:35:43,579
- You jinxed it.
- Jinxed what?
901
00:35:43,780 --> 00:35:45,500
We never work on new
stuff during rehearsal,
902
00:35:45,650 --> 00:35:47,409
- ever.
- What? Why?
903
00:35:47,610 --> 00:35:49,769
It guarantees that Gordon's
gonna throw everything out.
904
00:35:49,949 --> 00:35:52,231
I'm sorry, Gordon somehow
knew I was sitting in a bathroom
905
00:35:52,329 --> 00:35:53,590
stall jotting down jokes?
906
00:35:53,789 --> 00:35:55,686
That's why he threw out
the script? Is he omniscient?
907
00:35:55,710 --> 00:35:56,800
If anyone is...
908
00:35:57,000 --> 00:35:59,179
Let the girl pitch.
Go on, Midge.
909
00:35:59,380 --> 00:36:00,639
Thank you, Alvin.
910
00:36:00,840 --> 00:36:03,309
"The Unsinkable Molly Brown
911
00:36:03,510 --> 00:36:04,550
is a new show on Broadway.
912
00:36:04,710 --> 00:36:05,815
I heard that the
ushers are seating
913
00:36:05,840 --> 00:36:07,480
women and children first."
914
00:36:07,679 --> 00:36:09,519
She was on the Titanic.
915
00:36:09,719 --> 00:36:11,199
He nixed a Molly
Brown joke last week.
916
00:36:11,300 --> 00:36:12,309
- Mine.
- Got another?
917
00:36:12,510 --> 00:36:14,190
Yeah, um...
918
00:36:14,389 --> 00:36:17,400
"There's gonna be a baby in
the White House, little JFK Jr.
919
00:36:17,599 --> 00:36:18,719
It'll be a clean transition.
920
00:36:18,849 --> 00:36:19,996
White House staff
already learned
921
00:36:20,019 --> 00:36:21,659
how to change diapers
with Eisenhower."
922
00:36:21,860 --> 00:36:23,280
"A" for effort. Cess?
923
00:36:23,480 --> 00:36:25,449
- Oh, now wait a minute.
- Yeah?
924
00:36:25,650 --> 00:36:27,369
I'm sorry, but that
last one was funny.
925
00:36:27,570 --> 00:36:29,329
- No, it wasn't.
- Yes, it was.
926
00:36:29,530 --> 00:36:31,420
- No one laughed.
- I think the audience would,
927
00:36:31,619 --> 00:36:32,846
and it's topical,
he wants topical.
928
00:36:32,869 --> 00:36:33,920
A joke is not funny
929
00:36:34,119 --> 00:36:35,385
just because you say it's funny.
930
00:36:35,409 --> 00:36:37,210
No, it's not funny
because I say it's funny.
931
00:36:37,409 --> 00:36:38,610
It's funny because it's funny.
932
00:36:38,789 --> 00:36:40,510
- And you know funny?
- Yeah, I know funny.
933
00:36:40,710 --> 00:36:42,219
Great. Alvin, put
my Ben-Hur joke in
934
00:36:42,420 --> 00:36:44,146
because I know funny,
and I think it's funny.
935
00:36:44,170 --> 00:36:45,809
- Mel...
- Your Ben-Hur joke was not funny.
936
00:36:45,840 --> 00:36:48,099
- Oh, really?
- Or topical or fresh.
937
00:36:48,300 --> 00:36:50,900
Wasn't even funny when I heard
Jack Paar do it two weeks ago.
938
00:36:51,090 --> 00:36:52,269
- Oh!
- Alvin.
939
00:36:52,469 --> 00:36:54,610
We have no time for
this. Sorry. Cess, go.
940
00:36:54,809 --> 00:36:56,110
Okay, uh...
941
00:36:56,309 --> 00:36:57,536
"There's a commercial
for dishwashing soap.
942
00:36:57,559 --> 00:36:59,280
- "Any of you see it?"
- I bet she did.
943
00:37:01,019 --> 00:37:03,280
Hi, yes, he's
expecting your call.
944
00:37:03,480 --> 00:37:05,579
Abe, how was your meeting?
945
00:37:05,780 --> 00:37:07,449
Cover your goddamn
mouth, Terrence.
946
00:37:07,650 --> 00:37:09,159
- That was harsh.
- Gabe, Gabe.
947
00:37:09,360 --> 00:37:11,579
- Abe, you okay?
- I've got a question,
948
00:37:11,780 --> 00:37:13,880
and be honest because
949
00:37:14,079 --> 00:37:16,090
I don't know all the intricacies
950
00:37:16,289 --> 00:37:17,800
of New York theater customs...
951
00:37:18,000 --> 00:37:19,630
Okay.
952
00:37:19,829 --> 00:37:22,969
Is this sexual?
953
00:37:23,170 --> 00:37:24,800
So many thoughts
954
00:37:25,000 --> 00:37:26,436
running through my
mind right now, Abe.
955
00:37:26,460 --> 00:37:28,429
- You're wondering why I'm asking.
- Very much.
956
00:37:28,630 --> 00:37:30,519
At my lunch with Penelope,
957
00:37:30,719 --> 00:37:32,389
it was all going so smoothly.
958
00:37:32,590 --> 00:37:35,900
We talked about theater
and criticism and the war.
959
00:37:36,099 --> 00:37:39,320
Then she did this with her hand,
960
00:37:39,519 --> 00:37:41,110
- and it felt...
- Sexual?
961
00:37:41,309 --> 00:37:42,659
- Yes.
- That's because it is.
962
00:37:42,849 --> 00:37:44,949
I knew it.
963
00:37:45,150 --> 00:37:47,119
So, it was a sexualized gesture.
964
00:37:47,320 --> 00:37:48,659
One of the oldest.
965
00:37:48,860 --> 00:37:51,789
You can remove your hand now.
966
00:37:51,989 --> 00:37:53,369
I don't get it.
967
00:37:53,570 --> 00:37:55,079
I don't get it. It was lunch.
968
00:37:55,280 --> 00:37:56,460
So?
969
00:37:56,659 --> 00:37:59,340
Nothing sexual happens
before 7:00 in the evening,
970
00:37:59,539 --> 00:38:01,090
6:30 at the earliest.
971
00:38:01,289 --> 00:38:04,800
Never at 1:42 in the
afternoon on a Monday.
972
00:38:05,000 --> 00:38:07,050
I am learning a lot
about you today.
973
00:38:07,250 --> 00:38:09,639
I've been racking my
brain, trying to think if I said
974
00:38:09,840 --> 00:38:12,179
something that gave
her the wrong impression.
975
00:38:12,380 --> 00:38:14,940
Was I too kind to A
Pudding for Nigel?
976
00:38:15,139 --> 00:38:16,139
Is that all it takes?
977
00:38:16,260 --> 00:38:17,365
That, and a hearty Bordeaux.
978
00:38:17,389 --> 00:38:18,445
How did you know we had wine?
979
00:38:18,469 --> 00:38:19,730
Because you smell like wine.
980
00:38:19,929 --> 00:38:21,530
Oh, my God, we had wine.
981
00:38:21,730 --> 00:38:23,246
You know, she's never
made a pass at me. Terrence,
982
00:38:23,269 --> 00:38:24,536
has Penelope ever
made a pass at you?
983
00:38:24,559 --> 00:38:26,280
Uh-uh. She knows
I'm a homosexual.
984
00:38:26,480 --> 00:38:28,369
- What? Since when?
- Since birth, probably.
985
00:38:28,570 --> 00:38:30,585
- But you're married.
- Oh, I left my wife years ago.
986
00:38:30,610 --> 00:38:31,409
I live with Maury now.
987
00:38:31,610 --> 00:38:33,000
From accounting? With the cold.
988
00:38:33,199 --> 00:38:34,440
Terrence, we need to talk more.
989
00:38:34,610 --> 00:38:36,829
Gabe, what do I tell my wife?
990
00:38:37,030 --> 00:38:40,250
- Your wife?
- Yes, my wife.
991
00:38:40,449 --> 00:38:41,630
Nothing.
992
00:38:41,829 --> 00:38:43,719
- Abe, nothing happened.
- Nothing happened,
993
00:38:43,920 --> 00:38:45,260
but something happened.
994
00:38:45,460 --> 00:38:47,050
But nothing happened.
995
00:38:47,250 --> 00:38:49,050
She'll know. She'll sense it.
996
00:38:49,250 --> 00:38:52,139
Abe, do not tell
her about Penelope.
997
00:38:52,340 --> 00:38:54,309
About you and me just
now, yes, but not her,
998
00:38:54,510 --> 00:38:56,630
and I promise never to put
you in that position again.
999
00:38:56,679 --> 00:38:57,480
You are too tempting.
1000
00:38:57,679 --> 00:38:58,809
Gabe.
1001
00:38:59,010 --> 00:39:01,230
- It's all in the past.
- Maybe.
1002
00:39:01,429 --> 00:39:02,780
It's in the past.
Say it with me.
1003
00:39:02,980 --> 00:39:04,739
It's in the past.
1004
00:39:04,940 --> 00:39:06,699
Good.
1005
00:39:06,900 --> 00:39:09,320
- Wasn't Maury married?
- He lived with his sister.
1006
00:39:09,519 --> 00:39:12,590
That was his sister? I
am so out of the loop.
1007
00:39:14,719 --> 00:39:16,369
He's on the move!
1008
00:39:16,570 --> 00:39:18,090
- He's on the move.
- He's on the move.
1009
00:39:18,119 --> 00:39:19,590
- He's on the move.
- Where's Adam?
1010
00:39:19,780 --> 00:39:21,670
- Yeah, where is Adam?
- It's showtime.
1011
00:39:21,869 --> 00:39:23,210
I was saying hi to my parents.
1012
00:39:23,409 --> 00:39:25,219
What are you, 14?
1013
00:39:25,420 --> 00:39:26,590
Keep the aisles clear.
1014
00:39:26,789 --> 00:39:29,469
And if you do have to
leave, please do so quietly.
1015
00:39:29,670 --> 00:39:32,059
Emergency exit doors are
on both sides in the back.
1016
00:39:32,260 --> 00:39:33,969
Other than that,
make a lot of noise
1017
00:39:34,170 --> 00:39:36,409
when it comes to showing
Gordon you are happy to be here.
1018
00:39:36,590 --> 00:39:38,190
- Do we have a monologue?
- No idea.
1019
00:39:38,389 --> 00:39:40,559
You sound like a great
audience, guys. Feel free
1020
00:39:40,760 --> 00:39:42,159
to laugh at anything
you find funny,
1021
00:39:42,349 --> 00:39:43,710
and applaud when
we light the sign.
1022
00:39:46,519 --> 00:39:50,159
Whoa. Whoa.
1023
00:39:50,360 --> 00:39:51,780
We didn't even light the sign.
1024
00:39:51,980 --> 00:39:54,289
You're already
disobeying orders.
1025
00:39:54,489 --> 00:39:56,409
We got a great show
tonight. See you in a minute.
1026
00:39:58,360 --> 00:40:02,130
Okay, so let's do Clark Gable,
Emily Post, the NASA joke,
1027
00:40:02,329 --> 00:40:03,976
the automat joke that
we dropped on Friday...
1028
00:40:04,000 --> 00:40:05,936
Put that next to last... and did
the Dennis the Red Menace thing
1029
00:40:05,960 --> 00:40:07,596
- make it past the censors?
- They didn't flag it.
1030
00:40:07,619 --> 00:40:08,686
We're basically saying
the kid's a communist.
1031
00:40:08,710 --> 00:40:09,510
They didn't flag it.
1032
00:40:09,710 --> 00:40:11,070
Put it in. And
I'll throw in a riff
1033
00:40:11,210 --> 00:40:13,146
about the hat on the lady in the
second row. She wore that thing
1034
00:40:13,170 --> 00:40:14,570
- to be noticed.
- You got it, boss.
1035
00:40:14,760 --> 00:40:15,889
- Teddy?
- I thrive on this.
1036
00:40:16,090 --> 00:40:17,090
Good man.
1037
00:40:17,130 --> 00:40:18,480
The cavalry comes through again.
1038
00:40:18,679 --> 00:40:19,480
Wow.
1039
00:40:19,679 --> 00:40:20,809
Right down to the wire.
1040
00:40:21,010 --> 00:40:22,150
He keeps us on our toes.
1041
00:40:22,349 --> 00:40:23,570
Places, everyone.
1042
00:40:23,769 --> 00:40:25,280
Places, everyone.
1043
00:40:25,480 --> 00:40:26,780
Sorry about before.
1044
00:40:26,980 --> 00:40:30,070
I checked with a friend,
Paar did do that joke. Fuck me.
1045
00:40:30,269 --> 00:40:32,409
Hey, Teddy, you posing
for the Kama Sutra?
1046
00:40:32,610 --> 00:40:33,739
Up yours, Mel.
1047
00:40:33,940 --> 00:40:35,119
Ladies and gentlemen,
1048
00:40:35,320 --> 00:40:37,909
it's The Gordon Ford Show!
1049
00:40:39,280 --> 00:40:42,380
Angie Dickinson,
1050
00:40:42,579 --> 00:40:45,500
Steve Lawrence, and
novelist Ray Bradbury.
1051
00:40:45,699 --> 00:40:47,090
Now here's your host,
1052
00:40:47,289 --> 00:40:49,800
Gordon Ford!
1053
00:40:56,760 --> 00:40:58,519
Thanks, everyone.
Thanks for coming out.
1054
00:40:58,719 --> 00:41:00,599
It's getting festive here
in New York, isn't it?
1055
00:41:00,639 --> 00:41:02,059
With all the twinkling lights
1056
00:41:02,260 --> 00:41:03,650
and window displays
and chestnuts
1057
00:41:03,849 --> 00:41:05,289
roasting over an
open trash can fire.
1058
00:41:05,429 --> 00:41:06,980
He doesn't like
us in his eyeline.
1059
00:41:07,179 --> 00:41:08,650
It's a generous time of year.
1060
00:41:08,849 --> 00:41:10,786
- My mom looks so old.
- - A guy picked the wallet
1061
00:41:10,809 --> 00:41:12,876
right out of my pocket, gave
it back to me gift-wrapped.
1062
00:41:12,900 --> 00:41:14,376
I mean it, it had a ribbon
on it and everything.
1063
00:41:14,400 --> 00:41:16,289
George, you've had
your pocket picked.
1064
00:41:16,480 --> 00:41:18,840
Did you ever get that original
copy of the Magna Carta back?
1065
00:41:20,110 --> 00:41:21,545
I told you not to carry
that thing around like that.
1066
00:41:21,570 --> 00:41:24,039
More fool me.
1067
00:41:24,239 --> 00:41:26,340
Of course, you've all
heard the sad news,
1068
00:41:26,539 --> 00:41:28,550
- the great Clark Gable has passed away.
- - Aw...
1069
00:41:28,750 --> 00:41:30,309
He's survived by
his wife, his children,
1070
00:41:30,420 --> 00:41:32,510
and his mustache.
1071
00:41:32,710 --> 00:41:35,429
Now, ma'am, is that a
hat, or is your hair on fire?
1072
00:41:36,920 --> 00:41:38,639
'Cause we can help
you. We have firemen
1073
00:41:38,840 --> 00:41:40,695
standing right outside.
They can rush right in here,
1074
00:41:40,719 --> 00:41:42,409
hose you down real
quick, free of charge.
1075
00:41:45,250 --> 00:41:47,940
How's Chaim? How's my baby boy?
1076
00:41:48,139 --> 00:41:49,179
Oh, he's just the greatest
1077
00:41:49,349 --> 00:41:50,610
little man on the planet.
1078
00:41:50,809 --> 00:41:51,826
You should have
seen the other day,
1079
00:41:51,849 --> 00:41:53,130
he was playing
with a basketball,
1080
00:41:53,190 --> 00:41:54,190
but he's so tiny,
1081
00:41:54,230 --> 00:41:55,550
he rolled right
over the top of it
1082
00:41:55,650 --> 00:41:56,949
and did a complete somersault.
1083
00:41:57,150 --> 00:41:58,579
I wish I'd seen that.
1084
00:41:58,780 --> 00:42:00,755
The ball landed on top of
him. He never let go of it.
1085
00:42:00,780 --> 00:42:01,780
It was too cute.
1086
00:42:01,820 --> 00:42:03,460
Noah, listen, I'm
calling with a question,
1087
00:42:03,570 --> 00:42:04,710
then I'll let you go.
1088
00:42:04,909 --> 00:42:06,869
- Sure.
- Could you order a quick raid on an enemy?
1089
00:42:07,039 --> 00:42:09,420
- Pardon?
- I know the CIA
1090
00:42:09,619 --> 00:42:12,010
is very busy. I wouldn't
ask if it wasn't important.
1091
00:42:12,210 --> 00:42:15,090
Mom, what? I'm an analyst.
I've told you a million times.
1092
00:42:15,289 --> 00:42:16,690
I wouldn't need
to know the details.
1093
00:42:16,750 --> 00:42:17,750
I respect your privacy.
1094
00:42:17,920 --> 00:42:19,769
What enemy? What
are you talking about?
1095
00:42:19,960 --> 00:42:23,480
It's this, uh, shall we say,
"coterie" I'm dealing with.
1096
00:42:23,679 --> 00:42:26,610
I'm talking something fast,
unexpected, but severe.
1097
00:42:26,800 --> 00:42:28,440
A very fast, hard attack.
1098
00:42:28,639 --> 00:42:30,900
Well, short answer,
Ma, I cannot order a raid.
1099
00:42:31,099 --> 00:42:33,166
Well, can I speak to someone
in the raid department, then?
1100
00:42:33,190 --> 00:42:34,416
You could just
give me the number.
1101
00:42:34,440 --> 00:42:35,719
We don't have a raid department.
1102
00:42:35,860 --> 00:42:37,900
Ma, who the hell is this
"coterie" you want to raid?
1103
00:42:38,070 --> 00:42:39,530
Just some women.
1104
00:42:39,730 --> 00:42:41,250
They meet occasionally
in Coney Island,
1105
00:42:41,360 --> 00:42:42,925
and I just thought, if I
knew they were there
1106
00:42:42,949 --> 00:42:45,119
at a specific time, you could
firebomb it or something.
1107
00:42:45,320 --> 00:42:46,630
Ma, I'm at work.
1108
00:42:46,820 --> 00:42:48,170
Perfect, can you
ask a colleague?
1109
00:42:48,369 --> 00:42:50,340
They sometimes
monitor these calls, Ma.
1110
00:42:50,539 --> 00:42:51,920
We cannot talk about this.
1111
00:42:52,119 --> 00:42:53,800
Oh. Well, should
I call back later?
1112
00:42:54,000 --> 00:42:55,429
We could use a code word.
1113
00:42:55,630 --> 00:42:57,679
- How about "flower girl"?
- No!
1114
00:42:57,880 --> 00:43:00,099
Well, then should we
meet in the park at dusk?
1115
00:43:00,300 --> 00:43:01,500
I read about spies doing that.
1116
00:43:01,670 --> 00:43:03,849
I really can't continue
this conversation.
1117
00:43:04,050 --> 00:43:05,309
Oh, your father's home.
1118
00:43:05,510 --> 00:43:07,900
Abe, would you like
to say hi to Noah?
1119
00:43:08,099 --> 00:43:09,190
Hi.
1120
00:43:09,389 --> 00:43:10,865
Pop, what the hell
is going on with...
1121
00:43:10,889 --> 00:43:12,460
- Abe?
- Hi.
1122
00:43:13,960 --> 00:43:15,239
Are you all right?
1123
00:43:15,440 --> 00:43:17,659
Oh, I'm fine. Thank you.
1124
00:43:17,860 --> 00:43:19,829
How was your day? Did you
1125
00:43:20,019 --> 00:43:22,579
make some good
matches at the tearoom?
1126
00:43:22,780 --> 00:43:25,210
Oh, yes. Yes, I, um,
1127
00:43:25,409 --> 00:43:27,039
went to the tearoom.
1128
00:43:27,239 --> 00:43:28,630
How was the tea?
1129
00:43:28,829 --> 00:43:31,250
It was very nice.
1130
00:43:31,449 --> 00:43:32,840
Corinne and I went there,
1131
00:43:33,039 --> 00:43:35,840
and it was exactly
as it always is.
1132
00:43:36,039 --> 00:43:37,840
- Very nice.
- That's nice.
1133
00:43:38,039 --> 00:43:39,760
Mm. Did you have a nice day?
1134
00:43:39,960 --> 00:43:43,429
Just a... typical, nice Monday.
1135
00:43:43,630 --> 00:43:46,809
Yeah, ate dessert at my desk,
1136
00:43:47,010 --> 00:43:49,230
typed some, the usual.
1137
00:43:49,429 --> 00:43:50,860
What did you have for dessert?
1138
00:43:51,059 --> 00:43:53,280
Did I say dessert? Lunch.
1139
00:43:53,469 --> 00:43:55,210
I ate lunch.
1140
00:43:59,460 --> 00:44:01,659
You want to go out to dinner?
1141
00:44:01,860 --> 00:44:04,539
Rose, that's awful.
1142
00:44:04,739 --> 00:44:07,409
I wasn't gonna tell you because
I didn't want to worry you.
1143
00:44:07,610 --> 00:44:09,420
But it was just so upsetting,
1144
00:44:09,619 --> 00:44:11,079
watching the
place burn like that.
1145
00:44:11,280 --> 00:44:14,050
And the smell, oolong and ash.
1146
00:44:14,250 --> 00:44:16,630
You know you can
always tell me anything.
1147
00:44:16,829 --> 00:44:20,219
The tearoom was my office.
I met all my clients there.
1148
00:44:20,420 --> 00:44:22,550
I don't know what I'm
gonna do without it.
1149
00:44:22,750 --> 00:44:25,849
The whole place smelled
like a... wedding cake.
1150
00:44:32,119 --> 00:44:34,780
Abe. What is this?
1151
00:44:34,969 --> 00:44:36,739
A fondly intentioned
1152
00:44:36,929 --> 00:44:39,320
sexualized gesture.
1153
00:44:39,519 --> 00:44:41,420
Oh.
1154
00:44:43,429 --> 00:44:46,329
Well, it is past 7:00.
1155
00:44:46,530 --> 00:44:49,119
Am I supposed to do
something in return?
1156
00:44:49,320 --> 00:44:50,920
I think it's optional.
1157
00:44:51,119 --> 00:44:52,889
Okay.
1158
00:45:03,190 --> 00:45:05,510
- I told you there'd be drinks.
- But it's okay
1159
00:45:05,710 --> 00:45:07,275
because your outfit
was made for sitting,
1160
00:45:07,300 --> 00:45:08,929
and you sit in a bar, right?
1161
00:45:09,130 --> 00:45:10,559
The flare can accommodate that?
1162
00:45:10,760 --> 00:45:12,480
You know, I'm tired
of people mocking me
1163
00:45:12,679 --> 00:45:15,150
for thinking about how a dress
works in different situations.
1164
00:45:15,349 --> 00:45:17,320
So, Toots Shor's is
their hangout, huh?
1165
00:45:17,519 --> 00:45:19,489
They come here
because Gordon doesn't.
1166
00:45:19,690 --> 00:45:21,239
He got into some
fight with Toots
1167
00:45:21,440 --> 00:45:22,820
and won't set foot in the place.
1168
00:45:23,019 --> 00:45:24,706
- They call it their sanctuary.
- I got to start working
1169
00:45:24,730 --> 00:45:25,929
that place. It's a good place.
1170
00:45:25,980 --> 00:45:27,829
Susie...
1171
00:45:28,030 --> 00:45:29,909
- the job is weird.
- How so?
1172
00:45:30,110 --> 00:45:31,710
They don't think I'm funny.
1173
00:45:31,909 --> 00:45:32,909
Well, they don't have to,
1174
00:45:33,030 --> 00:45:34,135
so long as Gordon
thinks you're funny.
1175
00:45:34,159 --> 00:45:35,590
The day felt like a week,
1176
00:45:35,789 --> 00:45:37,346
and we have to do it
all over again tomorrow
1177
00:45:37,369 --> 00:45:38,960
and then the next
day and the next.
1178
00:45:39,159 --> 00:45:41,559
Well, you better not fucking
call me about tomorrow's outfit.
1179
00:45:41,619 --> 00:45:42,619
I won't.
1180
00:45:42,789 --> 00:45:44,849
Now go mingle.
Make some friends.
1181
00:45:45,039 --> 00:45:47,179
Be confident. You
love an audience.
1182
00:45:47,380 --> 00:45:48,849
Think of those guys
as your audience.
1183
00:45:49,050 --> 00:45:51,019
- Use 'em.
- I'll try.
1184
00:45:51,219 --> 00:45:53,119
- Bye.
- Bye.
1185
00:45:57,170 --> 00:45:59,030
Rushes ahead of me
at the front of the line,
1186
00:45:59,230 --> 00:46:01,780
buys the same can
of tuna every day,
1187
00:46:01,980 --> 00:46:03,360
89 cents.
1188
00:46:03,559 --> 00:46:04,820
She's counting out pennies.
1189
00:46:05,019 --> 00:46:08,369
"One, two, I lost my
place, one, two..."
1190
00:46:08,570 --> 00:46:11,409
I'm going nuts.
1191
00:46:11,610 --> 00:46:12,829
Sure?
1192
00:46:13,030 --> 00:46:14,670
Harvard did teach
me manners, after all.
1193
00:46:14,869 --> 00:46:17,250
Along with very useful Greek
and how to hit a shuttlecock.
1194
00:46:17,449 --> 00:46:20,210
There's not a bomb
underneath it, is there?
1195
00:46:20,409 --> 00:46:22,670
Are you kidding me? Are
you fucking kidding me?
1196
00:46:22,869 --> 00:46:24,050
He made peace with Toots?
1197
00:46:24,250 --> 00:46:25,050
Not to my knowledge.
1198
00:46:25,250 --> 00:46:26,530
I personally heard
him call Toots
1199
00:46:26,590 --> 00:46:28,050
a fat fuck not two weeks ago.
1200
00:46:28,250 --> 00:46:29,275
They almost came
to blows that time.
1201
00:46:29,300 --> 00:46:30,300
They had to be separated.
1202
00:46:30,380 --> 00:46:31,559
- What changed?
- Hey, all.
1203
00:46:31,760 --> 00:46:33,889
- Good show tonight.
- Hey.
1204
00:46:34,090 --> 00:46:35,449
Tough journey,
but we got it there.
1205
00:46:35,639 --> 00:46:37,326
That's what Alvin's wife
said on their wedding night.
1206
00:46:37,349 --> 00:46:38,900
Actually, she did.
1207
00:46:39,099 --> 00:46:40,570
Wow. So, Gordon,
1208
00:46:40,769 --> 00:46:42,956
- you like the automat joke?
- Mm, it wasn't my favorite.
1209
00:46:42,980 --> 00:46:45,159
- Good, it was Adam's.
- There's the guy.
1210
00:46:45,349 --> 00:46:47,159
It got a laugh.
Means it's funny.
1211
00:46:47,360 --> 00:46:50,119
I'll tell you what's funny.
Mike got me an advanced copy
1212
00:46:50,320 --> 00:46:52,045
of "The 2,000 Year Old
Man," that Mel Brooks thing.
1213
00:46:52,070 --> 00:46:53,710
- Oh.
- Hilarious.
1214
00:46:53,900 --> 00:46:56,880
Really, really funny.
1215
00:46:57,070 --> 00:46:58,070
One of the funniest...
1216
00:46:58,239 --> 00:47:00,170
I never said Mel
Brooks wasn't funny.
1217
00:47:00,369 --> 00:47:03,050
But that bit would be
nothing without Carl Reiner.
1218
00:47:03,250 --> 00:47:05,306
Right, 'cause without Carl, it
would be Mel awkwardly waiting
1219
00:47:05,329 --> 00:47:07,476
half a minute in silence and
then reciting the punch line.
1220
00:47:07,500 --> 00:47:08,639
Yeah, that would stink.
1221
00:47:08,840 --> 00:47:10,280
I give up.
1222
00:47:13,320 --> 00:47:14,480
Hey.
1223
00:47:14,679 --> 00:47:15,690
Hi.
1224
00:47:15,889 --> 00:47:17,170
How are these guys treating you?
1225
00:47:17,300 --> 00:47:18,360
Terrific.
1226
00:47:18,550 --> 00:47:19,650
She lied.
1227
00:47:19,849 --> 00:47:21,289
They're a very good
group of writers,
1228
00:47:21,429 --> 00:47:24,239
and I am thrilled to
be here. Learning a lot.
1229
00:47:24,440 --> 00:47:26,030
Pleasure's ours.
1230
00:47:26,230 --> 00:47:29,449
They give you any
problems, you come to me.
1231
00:47:29,650 --> 00:47:31,449
Okay.
1232
00:47:31,650 --> 00:47:33,085
All right, fellas, I'm
gonna grab a drink.
1233
00:47:33,110 --> 00:47:34,215
- Next round's on me.
- Thanks.
1234
00:47:34,239 --> 00:47:36,639
- You're too kind. - Thanks, boss.
- That's nice of you, boss.
1235
00:47:38,309 --> 00:47:40,250
What changed? That changed.
1236
00:47:40,449 --> 00:47:41,630
What?
1237
00:47:41,829 --> 00:47:43,460
Everything was the same today,
1238
00:47:43,659 --> 00:47:44,840
except for the X factor.
1239
00:47:45,039 --> 00:47:46,219
We just solved for "X."
1240
00:47:46,420 --> 00:47:48,389
"X"? I'm not "X."
1241
00:47:48,579 --> 00:47:51,010
- Look at that.
- Good to see you back, Gordie.
1242
00:47:51,210 --> 00:47:53,065
- Ah, you're looking good, Toots.
- I always look good.
1243
00:47:53,090 --> 00:47:54,269
I'm gonna miss this place.
1244
00:47:54,469 --> 00:47:55,750
We can go back
to that Irish pub.
1245
00:47:55,880 --> 00:47:57,865
I can't sit through that tin
whistle leprechaun music
1246
00:47:57,889 --> 00:47:58,940
anymore, I'll go crazy.
1247
00:47:59,139 --> 00:48:00,440
You can come back here.
1248
00:48:00,639 --> 00:48:01,695
There's that place on 59th.
1249
00:48:01,719 --> 00:48:03,110
I swear you can come back here.
1250
00:48:03,309 --> 00:48:04,309
What about PJ Clarke's?
1251
00:48:04,349 --> 00:48:05,360
They measure their pours.
1252
00:48:05,559 --> 00:48:06,710
I'm not "X."
1253
00:48:31,920 --> 00:48:33,760
So, I started this new job,
1254
00:48:33,960 --> 00:48:36,889
and it's... not fun.
1255
00:48:37,090 --> 00:48:39,190
Not that every job is
supposed to be fun. I mean,
1256
00:48:39,389 --> 00:48:40,829
when a nurse is
inserting a catheter,
1257
00:48:40,889 --> 00:48:42,195
she's not standing
there thinking,
1258
00:48:42,219 --> 00:48:44,059
"This looked so much
more fun in the brochure."
1259
00:48:45,849 --> 00:48:49,239
And it's all men. Mm-hmm.
1260
00:48:49,440 --> 00:48:51,530
So, I'm sitting in this
room with a bunch of men,
1261
00:48:51,730 --> 00:48:53,280
and none of them are being nice
1262
00:48:53,480 --> 00:48:55,119
or showing me the ropes,
1263
00:48:55,320 --> 00:48:57,449
and so far none of them
seem to want to sleep with me.
1264
00:48:59,280 --> 00:49:00,829
It's the least they could do.
1265
00:49:01,030 --> 00:49:03,710
Who raised these
men, not wolves?
1266
00:49:05,699 --> 00:49:08,210
Hey, did you hear there's gonna
be a baby in the White House?
1267
00:49:08,409 --> 00:49:10,429
Little JFK Jr.
1268
00:49:10,619 --> 00:49:11,969
It'll be a clean transition.
1269
00:49:12,170 --> 00:49:13,315
White House staff
already learned how
1270
00:49:13,340 --> 00:49:14,969
to change diapers
with Eisenhower.
1271
00:49:17,719 --> 00:49:19,599
I knew that was funny.
95515
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