Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,543 --> 00:00:03,253
[TV static drones]
2
00:00:03,253 --> 00:00:05,505
[bright tone]
3
00:00:06,089 --> 00:00:07,757
announcer: You're watching
ongoing coverage
4
00:00:07,757 --> 00:00:10,093
of the Senate debate
on bachelorette weekends.
5
00:00:10,093 --> 00:00:13,430
C-SPAN,
only the hard-hitting issues.
6
00:00:13,430 --> 00:00:15,598
- [gavel clacks]
- It is imperative
7
00:00:15,598 --> 00:00:16,891
that we pass
8
00:00:16,891 --> 00:00:19,936
the Senate bill 80085,
9
00:00:19,936 --> 00:00:22,063
banning the act of going live
10
00:00:22,063 --> 00:00:23,732
during bachelorette weekends.
11
00:00:23,732 --> 00:00:25,567
We, the people,
12
00:00:25,567 --> 00:00:27,485
deserve to protect
13
00:00:27,485 --> 00:00:29,404
body shots and booty drops
14
00:00:29,404 --> 00:00:30,905
from prying eyes.
15
00:00:30,905 --> 00:00:33,575
Reclaiming my time and money.
16
00:00:33,575 --> 00:00:34,909
If I'm gonna spend this cash,
17
00:00:34,909 --> 00:00:35,952
I deserve to bust it open for my
18
00:00:35,952 --> 00:00:37,746
followers and post pussy pops
19
00:00:37,746 --> 00:00:39,748
in perpetuity--give me IG Live,
20
00:00:39,748 --> 00:00:42,083
- or give me death.
- That feels extreme.
21
00:00:42,083 --> 00:00:44,836
May I interject here? Kay?
22
00:00:44,836 --> 00:00:46,713
You both made
really great points.
23
00:00:46,713 --> 00:00:50,175
But I would like to add
one important thing.
24
00:00:50,175 --> 00:00:51,301
- Lyft.
- Okay.
25
00:00:51,301 --> 00:00:53,344
Use my promo code,
"You are two of my best friends,
26
00:00:53,344 --> 00:00:55,180
and this debate
is tearing us apart"
27
00:00:55,180 --> 00:00:56,723
for 10% off.
28
00:00:56,723 --> 00:00:57,974
- So can we be done?
- Okay.
29
00:00:57,974 --> 00:01:00,685
Senator Middle only stands for
Lyft because her Uber rating
30
00:01:00,685 --> 00:01:02,145
went down for hooking up
in the backseat.
31
00:01:02,145 --> 00:01:03,146
I object.
32
00:01:03,146 --> 00:01:04,981
America, going live on IG
33
00:01:04,981 --> 00:01:06,399
is a strict violation
34
00:01:06,399 --> 00:01:08,026
of the ride or die code.
35
00:01:08,026 --> 00:01:10,320
How many friendships
must be compromised?
36
00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:12,655
How many spots blown up?
37
00:01:12,655 --> 00:01:14,824
How many areola exposed?
38
00:01:14,824 --> 00:01:16,618
I ask you, America.
39
00:01:16,618 --> 00:01:17,994
Senator Cleo Richmoney.
40
00:01:17,994 --> 00:01:19,996
You know how I got that way?
Protecting you.
41
00:01:19,996 --> 00:01:21,206
I think the real question
42
00:01:21,206 --> 00:01:22,791
is what is Senator Richmoney
hiding?
43
00:01:22,791 --> 00:01:24,667
- Nothing.
- More importantly,
44
00:01:24,667 --> 00:01:26,085
- where is she hiding it?
- Nowhere.
45
00:01:26,085 --> 00:01:28,505
And also, why won't she send
me the pics from last night?
46
00:01:28,505 --> 00:01:29,839
Well, you have an Android.
47
00:01:29,839 --> 00:01:32,008
I think
the better question is,
48
00:01:32,008 --> 00:01:35,845
are we carpooling to Kamala's
Sister Senate Brunch?
49
00:01:35,845 --> 00:01:38,723
Because that mac and cheese--
whoo, filibussin'.
50
00:01:38,723 --> 00:01:40,600
I'm gonna filibust you
if you don't take a stance,
51
00:01:40,600 --> 00:01:41,643
- Senator Middle.
- Okay.
52
00:01:41,643 --> 00:01:43,520
Well, if she chooses a side,
I'm going live.
53
00:01:43,520 --> 00:01:44,604
[mic screeches]
I'm going live.
54
00:01:44,604 --> 00:01:46,147
Individuals who go live
55
00:01:46,147 --> 00:01:47,690
and create social media damage
56
00:01:47,690 --> 00:01:48,691
during bachelorette parties
57
00:01:48,691 --> 00:01:49,651
need to be held accountable.
58
00:01:49,651 --> 00:01:50,819
Are you speaking to me?
59
00:01:50,819 --> 00:01:52,612
We should be able to put up
a penis popsicle
60
00:01:52,612 --> 00:01:54,155
to our lips in peace.
61
00:01:54,155 --> 00:01:56,032
I propose that prior offenders
62
00:01:56,032 --> 00:01:57,200
have their phones locked up
63
00:01:57,200 --> 00:01:58,159
during any and all
64
00:01:58,159 --> 00:01:59,661
- bachelorette weekends.
- You know what?
65
00:01:59,661 --> 00:02:02,497
You're grasping at dick straws,
Senator Richmoney.
66
00:02:02,497 --> 00:02:04,457
You're just mad because
I went live for 27 minutes
67
00:02:04,457 --> 00:02:06,334
in Miami at your
bachelorette party.
68
00:02:06,334 --> 00:02:09,546
You had my titties out
on my own fucking live, okay?
69
00:02:09,546 --> 00:02:11,923
The Constitution says a woman
should enjoy penis in private!
70
00:02:11,923 --> 00:02:14,050
Goddamn it, you got me out here
looking stupid as fuck!
71
00:02:14,050 --> 00:02:15,593
If I'm gonna...
[grunting]
72
00:02:15,593 --> 00:02:17,053
Should I be on Live?
73
00:02:17,053 --> 00:02:18,388
I'm a senator, nigga! Fuck!
74
00:02:18,388 --> 00:02:20,890
- But the strippers tipped you.
- 10 quarters.
75
00:02:20,890 --> 00:02:23,184
I mean, is it not
everybody's dream
76
00:02:23,184 --> 00:02:25,770
- to be tipped by a stripper?
- Whose dream? Whose dream?
77
00:02:25,770 --> 00:02:27,021
Somebody tell me where the
problem is. Is there a problem?
78
00:02:27,021 --> 00:02:28,481
Get fucked by two dudes
in a Ralph's parking lot?
79
00:02:28,481 --> 00:02:29,524
That was my dream!
80
00:02:29,524 --> 00:02:31,025
- Thank you, sister.
- Stop it!
81
00:02:31,025 --> 00:02:32,277
Just stop.
82
00:02:32,277 --> 00:02:33,695
All right?
83
00:02:33,695 --> 00:02:37,866
The problem is that this
is tearing us apart, okay?
84
00:02:37,866 --> 00:02:40,493
We need to keep our shit together.
85
00:02:40,493 --> 00:02:42,120
We represent and serve
86
00:02:42,120 --> 00:02:43,746
the American public,
87
00:02:43,746 --> 00:02:45,707
who should also use
my promo code.
88
00:02:45,707 --> 00:02:48,084
- No one's using the promo code.
- Tap it in.
89
00:02:48,084 --> 00:02:49,627
Let's just stop this shit.
90
00:02:49,627 --> 00:02:52,297
I'll agree to never go Live at
your bachelorette party again
91
00:02:52,297 --> 00:02:54,173
mostly because you already
got married.
92
00:02:54,173 --> 00:02:56,467
All in favor of that,
say "Go off, sis."
93
00:02:56,467 --> 00:02:57,719
both: Go off, sis.
94
00:02:57,719 --> 00:02:59,762
- Is now a good time
to mention
95
00:02:59,762 --> 00:03:01,514
that your man has an OnlyFans?
96
00:03:01,514 --> 00:03:03,099
- Don't tell me
he's selling feet.
97
00:03:04,017 --> 00:03:06,102
[Doechii's "I Told Em"]
98
00:03:06,102 --> 00:03:08,271
♪ We told 'em we was kings,
we showed 'em the machine ♪
99
00:03:08,271 --> 00:03:10,315
♪ I been gave 'em the keys,
I been flew overseas ♪
100
00:03:10,315 --> 00:03:12,400
♪ I been knew I'm a queen,
I been knew I was free ♪
101
00:03:12,400 --> 00:03:14,527
♪ I told 'em, I told 'em,
I told'em, god damn ♪
102
00:03:14,527 --> 00:03:16,404
♪ I been whippin' the rolls,
I been bookin' the shows ♪
103
00:03:16,404 --> 00:03:18,573
♪ I been takin' the hoes,
they been calling me doe ♪
104
00:03:18,573 --> 00:03:20,575
♪ I been pickin' the clothes,
I been knew I was gold ♪
105
00:03:20,575 --> 00:03:22,118
♪ I told 'em,
I told 'em, I told 'em ♪
106
00:03:22,118 --> 00:03:25,747
♪ Holla, ooh ♪
107
00:03:25,747 --> 00:03:28,207
♪ I told 'em, god damn ♪
108
00:03:28,207 --> 00:03:30,293
♪ What you told 'em ♪
109
00:03:30,293 --> 00:03:34,088
♪ The funk don't matter
if it's not cross chatter ♪
110
00:03:34,088 --> 00:03:37,091
♪ If the Black Lives Matter
I would know ♪
111
00:03:37,091 --> 00:03:38,635
♪ What you told 'em,
what you told 'em, god damn ♪
112
00:03:38,635 --> 00:03:40,261
♪ ♪
113
00:03:40,261 --> 00:03:41,512
♪ I would know,
what you told 'em ♪
114
00:03:41,512 --> 00:03:43,139
♪ What you told 'em,
god damn ♪
115
00:03:45,016 --> 00:03:46,976
[dramatic music]
116
00:03:46,976 --> 00:03:48,770
[record whirs]
117
00:03:48,770 --> 00:03:52,649
[R&B music playing]
118
00:03:52,649 --> 00:03:54,442
You know when
it's your birthday,
119
00:03:54,442 --> 00:03:57,487
and you just broke up with
your raggedy-ass man?
120
00:03:57,487 --> 00:04:01,908
The only way to turn up
is with your true friends
121
00:04:01,908 --> 00:04:03,493
on a Girls' Trip.
122
00:04:03,493 --> 00:04:04,702
Let's go!
123
00:04:04,702 --> 00:04:06,454
all: ♪ We're going on
a girls' trip ♪
124
00:04:06,454 --> 00:04:07,956
♪ Going on a girls' trip ♪
125
00:04:07,956 --> 00:04:10,875
♪ She ended a relationship,
she ended a relationship ♪
126
00:04:10,875 --> 00:04:12,710
♪ Yeah, we're going
on a girls' trip ♪
127
00:04:12,710 --> 00:04:14,545
♪ We're going on
a girls' trip ♪
128
00:04:14,545 --> 00:04:16,714
♪ Can't come between
this friendship ♪
129
00:04:16,714 --> 00:04:17,757
[sign dings]
130
00:04:17,757 --> 00:04:19,842
♪ Pack your bags,
we'll get away ♪
131
00:04:19,842 --> 00:04:20,969
all: ♪ Get away ♪
132
00:04:20,969 --> 00:04:23,012
♪ For two nights
and three days ♪
133
00:04:23,012 --> 00:04:24,305
all: ♪ Three days ♪
134
00:04:24,305 --> 00:04:26,182
♪ An all-inclusive
weekend stay ♪
135
00:04:26,182 --> 00:04:27,350
all: ♪ Weekend stay ♪
136
00:04:27,350 --> 00:04:29,519
♪ It's my homegirl's b-day ♪
137
00:04:29,519 --> 00:04:30,645
Yo, that's me.
She talking 'bout me.
138
00:04:30,645 --> 00:04:32,563
all:
♪ No distractions, no men ♪
139
00:04:32,563 --> 00:04:33,815
♪ Amen ♪
140
00:04:33,815 --> 00:04:35,650
♪ It's a girls' trip weekend ♪
141
00:04:35,650 --> 00:04:37,235
♪ Weekend ♪
142
00:04:37,235 --> 00:04:39,153
♪ But I guess I shouldn't
tell her that ♪
143
00:04:39,153 --> 00:04:40,822
- all: ♪ Tell her what? ♪
- Tell me what?
144
00:04:40,822 --> 00:04:42,991
♪ I just fucked the pilot ♪
[vocalizing]
145
00:04:42,991 --> 00:04:44,033
What the fuck?
146
00:04:44,033 --> 00:04:46,536
all:
♪ She just fucked the pilot ♪
147
00:04:46,536 --> 00:04:50,164
♪ She rode him in the cockpit ♪
148
00:04:50,164 --> 00:04:53,084
♪ Don't hate me,
it was real quick ♪
149
00:04:53,084 --> 00:04:56,295
♪ Yeah, I just needed
some dick ♪
150
00:04:56,295 --> 00:04:59,924
♪ Oh, I know I caused ♪
151
00:04:59,924 --> 00:05:02,885
♪ Turbulence ♪
152
00:05:02,885 --> 00:05:07,390
♪ But it won't happen again ♪
153
00:05:07,390 --> 00:05:09,350
Girl, you almost crashed
the damn plane!
154
00:05:09,350 --> 00:05:10,393
♪ Oh ♪
155
00:05:10,393 --> 00:05:13,104
♪ We turnin' up in the air ♪
156
00:05:13,104 --> 00:05:14,105
Where'd you get that?
157
00:05:14,105 --> 00:05:16,065
♪ First class,
baby, we don't care ♪
158
00:05:16,065 --> 00:05:17,525
We are in coach, booboo.
159
00:05:17,525 --> 00:05:19,986
♪ Lavish life, we decadent ♪
160
00:05:19,986 --> 00:05:20,987
[sign dings]
161
00:05:20,987 --> 00:05:22,238
♪ I fucked
the flight attendant ♪
162
00:05:22,238 --> 00:05:23,573
Of course!
163
00:05:23,573 --> 00:05:25,867
both: ♪ We planned this vacay
to take her mind off of her ex ♪
164
00:05:25,867 --> 00:05:27,744
♪ The only rule was no hookups
and strictly no sex ♪
165
00:05:27,744 --> 00:05:29,245
When did y'all start
harmonizing?
166
00:05:29,245 --> 00:05:31,914
both: ♪ Hope she's not mad that
we gave this rando the drawls ♪
167
00:05:31,914 --> 00:05:32,915
You say what?
168
00:05:32,915 --> 00:05:34,375
You just fucked
the air marshal, y'all?
169
00:05:34,375 --> 00:05:35,460
both: ♪ Yep, yep ♪
170
00:05:35,460 --> 00:05:38,588
♪ It's supposed
to be a girls' trip ♪
171
00:05:38,588 --> 00:05:40,673
♪ His identity's a secret ♪
172
00:05:40,673 --> 00:05:42,050
both: ♪ Not no more ♪
173
00:05:42,050 --> 00:05:44,761
♪ You tryin'
to get arrested? ♪
174
00:05:44,761 --> 00:05:47,180
♪ He's got a badge
and a bullet clip ♪
175
00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:48,598
both: ♪ Bang, bang ♪
176
00:05:48,598 --> 00:05:51,392
♪ I just fucked the pilot ♪
177
00:05:51,392 --> 00:05:55,021
♪ I fucked
the flight attendant ♪
178
00:05:55,021 --> 00:05:57,940
both:
♪ We fucked the air marshal ♪
179
00:05:57,940 --> 00:06:01,402
♪ I'm fuckin'
in the bathroom ♪
180
00:06:01,402 --> 00:06:03,112
♪ The brother was packin'
a big carry on ♪
181
00:06:03,112 --> 00:06:04,655
♪ I gave him the nod,
I said put me on ♪
182
00:06:04,655 --> 00:06:06,407
♪ Slangin' that thang,
tryin' to bang ♪
183
00:06:06,407 --> 00:06:07,909
♪ Looked back at it,
said what's your name ♪
184
00:06:07,909 --> 00:06:09,577
♪ We ocupado,
so you gotta hold ♪
185
00:06:09,577 --> 00:06:11,287
♪ Cloud 69 in the ozone ♪
186
00:06:11,287 --> 00:06:12,914
♪ In my main cabin,
bouncin' that ass ♪
187
00:06:12,914 --> 00:06:14,832
♪ Screamin' so loud,
need a oxygen mask ♪
188
00:06:14,832 --> 00:06:17,794
All right, enough! Ugh!
189
00:06:17,794 --> 00:06:20,004
This is what I get for traveling
with my church group.
190
00:06:20,004 --> 00:06:21,464
♪ ♪
191
00:06:21,464 --> 00:06:22,965
[sign dings]
192
00:06:26,719 --> 00:06:29,472
[dramatic string music]
193
00:06:36,312 --> 00:06:38,147
Oh, I can't believe
the Three Wise Men
194
00:06:38,147 --> 00:06:39,273
left without us.
195
00:06:39,273 --> 00:06:41,609
I'm the one that showed them
the Star of Bethlehem.
196
00:06:41,609 --> 00:06:42,944
They were talking about,
"We thought it was the sun."
197
00:06:42,944 --> 00:06:43,986
At night, sir?
198
00:06:43,986 --> 00:06:45,488
[scoffs]
Wise where?
199
00:06:45,488 --> 00:06:48,616
King Herod told me he calls them
the "Wise Men" ironically
200
00:06:48,616 --> 00:06:50,827
- 'cause they so dumb.
- Are you sure Mary and Joseph
201
00:06:50,827 --> 00:06:52,578
are going to be okay
with a ho showing up,
202
00:06:52,578 --> 00:06:54,831
'cause you know
I'm for them unpaved streets.
203
00:06:54,831 --> 00:06:56,791
I don't think they care, Hannah.
204
00:06:56,791 --> 00:06:58,376
I'm a Good Samaritan,
205
00:06:58,376 --> 00:07:00,503
and they didn't even ask me
to come samarit!
206
00:07:00,503 --> 00:07:01,546
- [scoffs]
- Maybe I could just
207
00:07:01,546 --> 00:07:02,797
sing them a song, and that way,
208
00:07:02,797 --> 00:07:04,674
they won't judge me
for my decisions.
209
00:07:04,674 --> 00:07:07,885
[soulfully] ♪ We three queens
of Orient are... ♪
210
00:07:07,885 --> 00:07:09,053
All right,
Philistina Aguilera.
211
00:07:09,053 --> 00:07:12,181
But just remember, we only
brought raggedy gifts, okay?
212
00:07:12,181 --> 00:07:13,516
Now you know I'd rather
be covered in boils
213
00:07:13,516 --> 00:07:14,517
- than gossip, right?
- Uh-uh.
214
00:07:14,517 --> 00:07:16,018
- Leave my mama out of it.
- My bad.
215
00:07:16,018 --> 00:07:17,937
But my Pharisee connect told me
216
00:07:17,937 --> 00:07:20,064
that the Three Wise Men brought
gold, frankincense, and myrrh.
217
00:07:20,064 --> 00:07:21,023
And what do we got?
218
00:07:21,023 --> 00:07:22,692
Mold, Black Love incense,
and fur.
219
00:07:22,692 --> 00:07:24,152
Don't trip, Priscilla.
220
00:07:24,152 --> 00:07:25,319
- We look stupid!
- No, we don't.
221
00:07:25,319 --> 00:07:26,487
- Yes, we do.
- Yeah, we do.
222
00:07:26,487 --> 00:07:28,990
No, I'm telling you, that
incense that you invented...
223
00:07:28,990 --> 00:07:30,199
- Yeah?
- Smells way better
224
00:07:30,199 --> 00:07:31,909
- than their stank-incense.
- For real?
225
00:07:31,909 --> 00:07:33,828
Yes, girl, and besides,
226
00:07:33,828 --> 00:07:35,830
Mary is from Nazareth.
227
00:07:35,830 --> 00:07:37,331
You know she ain't never had
nothing nice.
228
00:07:37,331 --> 00:07:38,332
That's true.
229
00:07:38,332 --> 00:07:40,042
Lazarus told me
her family is so poor,
230
00:07:40,042 --> 00:07:41,752
they prayed to our vengeful God
for another flood
231
00:07:41,752 --> 00:07:43,171
- just so they could bathe.
- Ooh.
232
00:07:43,171 --> 00:07:44,589
I mean, I don't blame 'em,
you know?
233
00:07:44,589 --> 00:07:47,508
I've had to entertain many mens
to keep my water bill on.
234
00:07:47,508 --> 00:07:48,759
- Water bill?
- Your what? Water bill?
235
00:07:48,759 --> 00:07:50,219
- Yeah.
- You paying for water?
236
00:07:50,219 --> 00:07:51,929
Well, yeah, 'cause you gotta
pay for your water,
237
00:07:51,929 --> 00:07:53,055
so you gotta do
what you gotta do.
238
00:07:53,055 --> 00:07:54,849
- No, water is free.
- It's very free.
239
00:07:54,849 --> 00:07:56,392
It's the only thing
we have free in this life.
240
00:07:56,392 --> 00:07:57,560
Water's free?
241
00:07:57,560 --> 00:07:59,270
Girl, all you do is take
a bucket in the water,
242
00:07:59,270 --> 00:08:00,646
shake the worms out,
and drink it.
243
00:08:00,646 --> 00:08:01,898
Wait, but that's what
you be doing too?
244
00:08:01,898 --> 00:08:03,691
- Yes.
- Yes, everyone does this.
245
00:08:03,691 --> 00:08:04,817
And you just take it home
and nobody goes,
246
00:08:04,817 --> 00:08:06,027
[gruffly]
"You better pay for this water."
247
00:08:06,027 --> 00:08:07,862
Girl, I don't know
where your life leads you,
248
00:08:07,862 --> 00:08:09,530
but it is down a strange path.
249
00:08:09,530 --> 00:08:11,449
Just put a bucket
on your roof.
250
00:08:11,449 --> 00:08:12,950
Just open your mouth
when it's raining.
251
00:08:12,950 --> 00:08:14,702
Okay, so let me just
make a mental note.
252
00:08:14,702 --> 00:08:16,370
[clears throat]
Water is...
253
00:08:16,370 --> 00:08:17,622
- both: Free.
- Okay, cool.
254
00:08:17,622 --> 00:08:19,207
Okay, I got it, besides,
it's not that big of a deal.
255
00:08:19,207 --> 00:08:22,084
Sometimes, I just spritz
my lady parts with river water.
256
00:08:22,084 --> 00:08:24,795
Speaking of ew, Salome gave me
this shortcut to the manger,
257
00:08:24,795 --> 00:08:26,964
so I know we beat
the Three Wise Men, 'cause--
258
00:08:26,964 --> 00:08:28,049
oh, Lord.
259
00:08:28,049 --> 00:08:30,134
♪ This is how we do it ♪
260
00:08:30,134 --> 00:08:32,470
[Montell Jordan's
"This Is How We Do It"]
261
00:08:32,470 --> 00:08:34,514
♪ This is how we do it ♪
262
00:08:34,514 --> 00:08:36,766
♪ Sha la la la la la la ♪
263
00:08:36,766 --> 00:08:38,976
♪ ♪
264
00:08:38,976 --> 00:08:40,061
♪ Sha la la la la... ♪
265
00:08:40,061 --> 00:08:41,437
[together]
♪ We just seen ♪
266
00:08:41,437 --> 00:08:44,440
- ♪ Baby Jesus ♪
- [vocalizing] ♪ Jesus ♪
267
00:08:44,440 --> 00:08:45,691
You all are terrible.
268
00:08:45,691 --> 00:08:47,735
- The harmonies are off.
- Hey, Joanna.
269
00:08:47,735 --> 00:08:49,737
Priscilla, Hannah.
270
00:08:49,737 --> 00:08:50,905
[chuckles]
271
00:08:50,905 --> 00:08:52,740
[rolls tongue]
Hann.
272
00:08:52,740 --> 00:08:54,992
She like when
I speak in tongues, I'm sorry.
273
00:08:54,992 --> 00:08:55,993
What y'all be getting into?
274
00:08:55,993 --> 00:08:57,995
Go hide it under a bushel, Balthasar.
275
00:08:57,995 --> 00:08:59,872
Yeah, you know why
we traversed here.
276
00:08:59,872 --> 00:09:00,915
I do know why
you traversed here.
277
00:09:00,915 --> 00:09:02,583
We know that.
[both laugh]
278
00:09:02,583 --> 00:09:04,919
- We know that.
- [cackles]
279
00:09:04,919 --> 00:09:06,045
But we don't have time
280
00:09:06,045 --> 00:09:08,214
to get into those
immoral acts right now.
281
00:09:08,214 --> 00:09:10,633
[laughs]
Balthasar, stop.
282
00:09:10,633 --> 00:09:11,634
[mouths words]
283
00:09:11,634 --> 00:09:13,386
Fornication!
[laughs]
284
00:09:13,386 --> 00:09:14,845
- Is Gaspar okay?
- Whoa.
285
00:09:14,845 --> 00:09:16,472
- Is he okay? For real.
- Oh.
286
00:09:16,472 --> 00:09:18,766
'Cause I heard he got kicked
in the head by a donkey
287
00:09:18,766 --> 00:09:20,351
trying to turn mud into wine.
288
00:09:20,351 --> 00:09:22,019
He did. And it was epic.
289
00:09:22,019 --> 00:09:23,813
Almost as great as us seeing...
290
00:09:23,813 --> 00:09:25,273
[together]
♪ Baby Jesus ♪
291
00:09:25,273 --> 00:09:26,732
♪ Jesus ♪
292
00:09:26,732 --> 00:09:28,651
- Baby Jesus first.
- [laughing]
293
00:09:28,651 --> 00:09:30,569
- [mumbling]
- Oh!
294
00:09:30,569 --> 00:09:33,406
I wouldn't celebrate so fast,
Not-so-wise Men.
295
00:09:33,406 --> 00:09:34,657
[laughs]
Ya dumb.
296
00:09:34,657 --> 00:09:35,950
- 'Cause guess what?
- What?
297
00:09:35,950 --> 00:09:38,452
My play-uncle Zechariah told
me that Herod is mad at y'all
298
00:09:38,452 --> 00:09:40,371
'cause you hiding the location
of Jesus from him.
299
00:09:40,371 --> 00:09:42,290
We not hiding it from him.
300
00:09:42,290 --> 00:09:44,083
- We're hiding it from you.
- What?
301
00:09:44,083 --> 00:09:45,543
We don't want women to win.
302
00:09:45,543 --> 00:09:47,837
What we looking like,
a bunch of Samsons?
303
00:09:47,837 --> 00:09:49,213
- [scoffs]
- Magi, please.
304
00:09:49,213 --> 00:09:50,881
First of all,
we're only 13 years old.
305
00:09:50,881 --> 00:09:52,133
I just got my adult teeth.
306
00:09:52,133 --> 00:09:54,468
Second of all, you may
have gotten here first...
307
00:09:54,468 --> 00:09:56,637
[scoffs]
But we have the better gift.
308
00:09:56,637 --> 00:09:59,098
Oh, that stank!
309
00:09:59,098 --> 00:10:00,224
- [women shouting]
- Stop it!
310
00:10:00,224 --> 00:10:01,851
[overlapping shouting]
Stop it!
311
00:10:01,851 --> 00:10:04,270
Oh, nappy pelt!
It's a nappy pelt.
312
00:10:04,270 --> 00:10:05,604
It's my gift for Jesus.
313
00:10:05,604 --> 00:10:07,732
Good God,
why does this smell like Hannah
314
00:10:07,732 --> 00:10:09,108
after she took a river bath?
315
00:10:09,108 --> 00:10:10,609
- Oh.
- Balthasar told me
316
00:10:10,609 --> 00:10:12,820
I remind him of his favorite
fish in the river.
317
00:10:12,820 --> 00:10:14,488
- I love salmon.
- I like cods!
318
00:10:14,488 --> 00:10:16,866
- Not a compliment.
- No, you said I smelled nice.
319
00:10:16,866 --> 00:10:18,534
I said you have lice.
320
00:10:18,534 --> 00:10:20,536
- They be jumpin'.
- Girl, forget them.
321
00:10:20,536 --> 00:10:22,705
Like God told the lion when it
had Daniel's head in its mouth:
322
00:10:22,705 --> 00:10:24,332
- just let it go.
- Oh.
323
00:10:24,332 --> 00:10:25,583
[singing lightly]
♪ La, la, la ♪
324
00:10:25,583 --> 00:10:27,960
- Whee.
- Mary Magdalene!
325
00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:30,713
Three fine men.
[giggles]
326
00:10:30,713 --> 00:10:32,715
- [sniffs]
- Mm, what she smell like?
327
00:10:32,715 --> 00:10:33,883
- Like fresh daisies.
- Ooh.
328
00:10:33,883 --> 00:10:35,885
- Yes.
- That's the good daisies.
329
00:10:35,885 --> 00:10:39,221
It's my new perfume.
It's called "Fresh Daisies."
330
00:10:39,221 --> 00:10:40,514
Want a whiff? Whoo!
331
00:10:40,514 --> 00:10:42,433
- Oh, I caught the whiff.
- [giggles]
332
00:10:42,433 --> 00:10:43,893
What is this,
Sodom and Gomorrah?
333
00:10:43,893 --> 00:10:45,603
Anybody can just show up
for a good time?
334
00:10:45,603 --> 00:10:47,897
I hear a very annoying voice.
[gasps] Oh, hello.
335
00:10:47,897 --> 00:10:48,898
[giggles]
336
00:10:48,898 --> 00:10:50,274
Hardly, no.
337
00:10:50,274 --> 00:10:51,734
God told me to follow
the North Star,
338
00:10:51,734 --> 00:10:54,111
but he didn't tell me that I'd
run into a plague of locusts.
339
00:10:54,111 --> 00:10:55,237
- Ooh.
- Priscilla,
340
00:10:55,237 --> 00:10:56,364
I'ma take my head wrap off
341
00:10:56,364 --> 00:10:57,782
if she keep talking
to us like this.
342
00:10:57,782 --> 00:10:59,909
Anyway, ladies,
don't even trip. I got this.
343
00:10:59,909 --> 00:11:01,535
Um...
[clears throat]
344
00:11:01,535 --> 00:11:03,162
'Scuse me, Mary, is it?
345
00:11:03,162 --> 00:11:05,414
- Yes.
- That's a real original name.
346
00:11:05,414 --> 00:11:06,457
- both: [chuckles]
- Mm-hmm.
347
00:11:06,457 --> 00:11:08,250
Look, uh, we're gonna
go meet the Messiah,
348
00:11:08,250 --> 00:11:10,211
and no one's gonna stop us,
so, you know, you can go...
349
00:11:10,211 --> 00:11:12,254
♪ La, la ♪
your way on outta here.
350
00:11:12,254 --> 00:11:13,506
Speaking of, could you
stand back a little bit?
351
00:11:13,506 --> 00:11:15,299
I'm downwind.
[both] Oh.
352
00:11:15,299 --> 00:11:17,218
- Okay.
- You smell very familiar.
353
00:11:17,218 --> 00:11:18,386
[sniffing]
354
00:11:18,386 --> 00:11:20,429
Oh, yeah.
Red Sea district, for sure.
355
00:11:20,429 --> 00:11:23,349
You do kinda look familiar.
Are you--are you a ho too?
356
00:11:23,349 --> 00:11:25,059
- Famously!
- Two hos?
357
00:11:25,059 --> 00:11:26,602
- Word?
- Word.
358
00:11:26,602 --> 00:11:28,437
- Wood?
- Are they done?
359
00:11:28,437 --> 00:11:29,939
Okay,
these Johns ain't Baptist,
360
00:11:29,939 --> 00:11:31,899
and I am ready
to see the savior.
361
00:11:31,899 --> 00:11:33,067
- Let's go.
- Let's go.
362
00:11:33,067 --> 00:11:35,736
♪ Oh, ho, ho, ho, la, la ♪
[laughs]
363
00:11:35,736 --> 00:11:38,739
Sorry, um,
I got the last hay bale in VIP.
364
00:11:38,739 --> 00:11:40,533
Yeah, I bought swaddle service,
365
00:11:40,533 --> 00:11:41,742
but you probably
can't afford that.
366
00:11:41,742 --> 00:11:43,452
Hey, Mary,
we just came here
367
00:11:43,452 --> 00:11:45,287
to worship the Lord
and join His flock.
368
00:11:45,287 --> 00:11:46,288
Why you flock-blocking us?
369
00:11:46,288 --> 00:11:47,289
[gasps]
Flock-blocking?
370
00:11:47,289 --> 00:11:48,332
- Yes.
- I'm not flock-blocking.
371
00:11:48,332 --> 00:11:49,458
Yes, you flock-blocking.
372
00:11:49,458 --> 00:11:50,793
- Oh, no, I never flock-block.
- You are flock-blocking.
373
00:11:50,793 --> 00:11:52,128
- Me flock-blocking?
- Yes, you are flock-blocking.
374
00:11:52,128 --> 00:11:53,129
- I'm not flock-blocking.
- You are flock-blocking.
375
00:11:53,129 --> 00:11:54,130
- Do I look like I flock-block?
- You--
376
00:11:54,130 --> 00:11:55,131
Oh, I absolutely
would not flock-block.
377
00:11:55,131 --> 00:11:57,007
Not flock-blocking!
Okay, listen.
378
00:11:57,007 --> 00:11:58,634
Ladies--and Hannah--
379
00:11:58,634 --> 00:11:59,677
Oh.
380
00:11:59,677 --> 00:12:01,804
How 'bout I talk to the savior
after His nap
381
00:12:01,804 --> 00:12:03,013
and try to get you guys
some floor seats?
382
00:12:03,013 --> 00:12:04,181
Huh? How's that sound?
383
00:12:04,181 --> 00:12:06,225
- Yeah, okay.
- Okay. [laughs]
384
00:12:06,225 --> 00:12:07,560
- That sounds nice.
- Does that sound good?
385
00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:09,311
Yeah, like,
actually on the dirt floor,
386
00:12:09,311 --> 00:12:10,771
where you belong, huh?
[giggles]
387
00:12:10,771 --> 00:12:11,772
Okay.
388
00:12:11,772 --> 00:12:13,983
This feels like
"The Immaculate Deception."
389
00:12:13,983 --> 00:12:15,943
But we'll take it.
390
00:12:15,943 --> 00:12:17,611
- It's all we got.
- Okay, let's have fun.
391
00:12:17,611 --> 00:12:19,572
This way. Excuse me, fellas.
Love you. Thank you.
392
00:12:19,572 --> 00:12:20,781
Excuse me.
[overlapping chatter]
393
00:12:20,781 --> 00:12:21,991
Hey, hey, Mary!
394
00:12:21,991 --> 00:12:23,075
- [overlapping chatter]
- Balthasar.
395
00:12:23,075 --> 00:12:24,285
- [shouting]
- Baby Jesus!
396
00:12:26,036 --> 00:12:28,205
[percussive music]
397
00:12:29,874 --> 00:12:31,000
Hello.
398
00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:33,502
I am the Sloane Nawford.
399
00:12:33,502 --> 00:12:36,005
You may know me from
my non-award-winning role
400
00:12:36,005 --> 00:12:39,216
as the jezebel for Jesus,
Mary Magdalene.
401
00:12:39,216 --> 00:12:41,677
This hair's been trying
to upstage me for years.
402
00:12:41,677 --> 00:12:44,013
I told the producers it was
a ridiculous amount of hair.
403
00:12:44,013 --> 00:12:46,515
Why would Mary Magdalene
have 75 inches of hair?
404
00:12:46,515 --> 00:12:48,267
Prepare for the role?
405
00:12:48,267 --> 00:12:50,311
You mean, how did the role
prepare for me?
406
00:12:50,311 --> 00:12:52,354
It's a funny story.
407
00:12:52,354 --> 00:12:56,525
Back when little Georgie Clooney
was on the show "Facts of Life,"
408
00:12:56,525 --> 00:12:59,862
oh, he begged me to
introduce him to Clive Davis.
409
00:12:59,862 --> 00:13:02,156
Clive and I,
we ran in the same crew.
410
00:13:02,156 --> 00:13:04,325
There was me, Clive,
411
00:13:04,325 --> 00:13:06,660
Jim Jones--
the cultist, not the rapper--
412
00:13:06,660 --> 00:13:09,580
the Clintons, George Clinton--
but not the Parliament--
413
00:13:09,580 --> 00:13:11,165
all of British Parliament,
414
00:13:11,165 --> 00:13:13,334
and Jim Jones, the rapper.
415
00:13:13,334 --> 00:13:15,878
We were known as the Rat Pack.
[chuckles]
416
00:13:15,878 --> 00:13:18,881
[device beeping]
[gasp] Egads.
417
00:13:18,881 --> 00:13:21,425
I wasn't supposed to go more
than 30 feet away from my house.
418
00:13:21,425 --> 00:13:22,426
But you see that extension?
419
00:13:22,426 --> 00:13:25,596
I still got it.
At my age, I still got it.
420
00:13:29,558 --> 00:13:33,229
[grand musical flourish]
421
00:13:33,229 --> 00:13:35,523
[machines dinging]
422
00:13:35,523 --> 00:13:37,399
- [indistinct chatter]
- [sighs]
423
00:13:37,399 --> 00:13:39,902
Rhonda, you must be running
errands on a Saturday
424
00:13:39,902 --> 00:13:42,738
because you wasted no time
in finding us another Target.
425
00:13:42,738 --> 00:13:45,074
That's right, but we're only
here for one thing, Tara.
426
00:13:45,074 --> 00:13:47,326
- Mm-hmm.
- The $4 million jackpot.
427
00:13:48,911 --> 00:13:49,954
Splendid.
428
00:13:49,954 --> 00:13:52,081
I can finally afford
lenses in my glasses.
429
00:13:52,081 --> 00:13:55,042
[laughs, clears throat]
Gretchen, how're we looking?
430
00:13:55,042 --> 00:13:56,502
Not so good.
431
00:13:56,502 --> 00:13:58,587
I got a none and a possible.
432
00:13:58,587 --> 00:14:00,923
Well, I've got a gun
and a possible murder charge.
433
00:14:00,923 --> 00:14:02,424
You are supposed
to be the lookout.
434
00:14:02,424 --> 00:14:05,219
I am looking out, okay?
For this Boston!
435
00:14:05,219 --> 00:14:06,220
[laughs]
436
00:14:06,220 --> 00:14:08,180
I love earpieces.
They so secretive.
437
00:14:08,180 --> 00:14:09,932
- [cackles]
- Pipe down, all right?
438
00:14:09,932 --> 00:14:11,267
You are talking way too much.
439
00:14:11,267 --> 00:14:12,935
Why is she the lookout?
440
00:14:12,935 --> 00:14:15,104
Because we thought it would
keep her from ruining the heist,
441
00:14:15,104 --> 00:14:17,022
again.
442
00:14:17,022 --> 00:14:18,357
both: Ooh.
443
00:14:18,357 --> 00:14:19,608
Oh, my bloody hell.
444
00:14:19,608 --> 00:14:21,402
All right, we've got to move,
Gretchen, all right?
445
00:14:21,402 --> 00:14:23,904
So make like a defibrillator
and tell us if we're clear.
446
00:14:23,904 --> 00:14:25,823
Okay, just give me a minute.
I'm trying to figure this out.
447
00:14:25,823 --> 00:14:28,409
Um, eeny, meeny, miny, moe.
448
00:14:28,409 --> 00:14:29,910
Catch 4 million by his toe.
449
00:14:29,910 --> 00:14:32,621
If they catch us, let us go.
450
00:14:32,621 --> 00:14:35,541
Eeny, meeny, miny--
I got it--moe.
451
00:14:35,541 --> 00:14:37,001
- [all groan]
- Okay, diamonds led?
452
00:14:37,001 --> 00:14:38,627
You just reneged.
That's three books.
453
00:14:38,627 --> 00:14:41,088
Books? I didn't come here
to read, okay?
454
00:14:41,088 --> 00:14:44,008
I'm just here
to cause a distraction!
455
00:14:44,008 --> 00:14:45,342
You distracted?
You distracted?
456
00:14:45,342 --> 00:14:46,635
- Ma'am. Ma'am.
457
00:14:46,635 --> 00:14:48,637
- You distracted?
- Ma'am.
458
00:14:48,637 --> 00:14:49,722
- Uh.
- Ma'am.
459
00:14:49,722 --> 00:14:51,390
- You distracted? Hey.
- Ma'am. Ma'am.
460
00:14:51,390 --> 00:14:52,516
- What?
- Please.
461
00:14:52,516 --> 00:14:53,851
- Hi.
- Stop.
462
00:14:53,851 --> 00:14:54,893
Go, ladies, go.
463
00:14:54,893 --> 00:14:58,480
[suspenseful music]
464
00:14:58,480 --> 00:15:01,900
Wow, her stupidity
is finally paying off.
465
00:15:01,900 --> 00:15:03,444
Okay, guess what song
I'm playing.
466
00:15:03,444 --> 00:15:04,778
[thumping]
467
00:15:04,778 --> 00:15:07,531
♪ It rhymes with
we are robbering ♪
468
00:15:07,531 --> 00:15:08,657
♪ Eh, eh, eh, eh ♪
469
00:15:08,657 --> 00:15:10,409
Shut up. Shut your face.
470
00:15:10,409 --> 00:15:11,785
I wish I had a
Sister Sledgehammer for you.
471
00:15:11,785 --> 00:15:13,120
Man, I could tell you
what we doing,
472
00:15:13,120 --> 00:15:14,622
you know what I'm saying,
but I can't really say it
473
00:15:14,622 --> 00:15:17,666
'cause it's a secret,
and they all in disguises.
474
00:15:17,666 --> 00:15:19,501
So...
[laughs]
475
00:15:19,501 --> 00:15:21,920
[phone chimes]
Ooh, it's BeReal time.
476
00:15:21,920 --> 00:15:23,839
Ma'am,
you can't take photos in here.
477
00:15:23,839 --> 00:15:25,090
No, no, no, it's BeReal.
478
00:15:25,090 --> 00:15:27,051
These disappear after a day
like my friend Rhonda's dad.
479
00:15:27,051 --> 00:15:30,179
Hey, hey. I still have
plenty of photos of my dad.
480
00:15:30,179 --> 00:15:32,681
Oh, yeah, girl, you right.
Mugshots are photos.
481
00:15:32,681 --> 00:15:34,642
- Ma'am.
- Clack. [laughs] Got it.
482
00:15:34,642 --> 00:15:36,727
See, BeReal only gives you
two minutes,
483
00:15:36,727 --> 00:15:38,520
otherwise you'll be
publicly shamed,
484
00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:41,065
just like my friend Rhonda on
Bring Your Dad to Work Day.
485
00:15:41,065 --> 00:15:43,359
You know what? That's it.
I'm about to cut this bitch.
486
00:15:43,359 --> 00:15:44,526
No, no, no, no.
487
00:15:45,903 --> 00:15:47,529
- Hi.
- Oh.
488
00:15:47,529 --> 00:15:51,075
♪ ♪
489
00:15:51,075 --> 00:15:52,785
- [machine chiming]
- [gasps]
490
00:15:52,785 --> 00:15:56,038
[cheers and applause]
491
00:15:56,038 --> 00:15:59,333
Good job, Rhonda.
Who knew you were so tech savvy?
492
00:15:59,333 --> 00:16:01,377
Literally all my students
at MIT.
493
00:16:01,377 --> 00:16:03,671
Oh. Very funny, Rhonda.
494
00:16:03,671 --> 00:16:06,465
Well, you're here now,
so it's time to do your thing
495
00:16:06,465 --> 00:16:07,966
and crack that safe open
496
00:16:07,966 --> 00:16:10,344
like a Hennessy bottle
at a baby shower.
497
00:16:10,344 --> 00:16:11,637
[tense music]
498
00:16:11,637 --> 00:16:13,681
[soft clicking, lock clicks]
499
00:16:13,681 --> 00:16:16,058
That click
is music to my ears.
500
00:16:16,058 --> 00:16:18,560
Me too!
♪ Bust that safe wide open ♪
501
00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:20,896
♪ Bust it, bust that safe
wide open, bust it ♪
502
00:16:20,896 --> 00:16:22,439
- ♪ Bust that safe wide open ♪
- Oh, my.
503
00:16:22,439 --> 00:16:24,191
- [grunting]
- Security!
504
00:16:24,191 --> 00:16:26,694
She's shaking her cheeks up and
down and all around, please.
505
00:16:26,694 --> 00:16:29,405
- ♪ Bust that safe wide open ♪
- Stop twerking, you twit.
506
00:16:29,405 --> 00:16:30,739
- Hey.
- Get down.
507
00:16:30,739 --> 00:16:31,865
Ma'am, stop. Ma'am.
508
00:16:31,865 --> 00:16:33,117
Why y'all look so distraught?
509
00:16:33,117 --> 00:16:35,202
Oh! Oh. Ma'am? Ma'am.
510
00:16:35,202 --> 00:16:36,704
Ma'am, please,
this is a tournament.
511
00:16:36,704 --> 00:16:38,414
Put as much as you can
in the bag.
512
00:16:38,414 --> 00:16:39,915
Stuff it all in the bag.
513
00:16:39,915 --> 00:16:41,125
And if you
didn't like twerking,
514
00:16:41,125 --> 00:16:43,252
you should've said so
before I got up here.
515
00:16:43,252 --> 00:16:45,212
Rhonda,
it's time to do the thing
516
00:16:45,212 --> 00:16:47,840
that your father never could--
escape.
517
00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:49,842
Well, then,
I guess it's time to do
518
00:16:49,842 --> 00:16:51,802
what your mom always did--
519
00:16:51,802 --> 00:16:53,929
take these clothes off
for money.
520
00:16:53,929 --> 00:16:56,640
[rock music]
521
00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:58,892
We should get together.
Like, what's y'all addresses?
522
00:16:58,892 --> 00:17:00,436
- 'Cause I didn't need that--
- [clears throat]
523
00:17:00,436 --> 00:17:03,105
Oh, shit.
Go fish, niggas!
524
00:17:03,105 --> 00:17:04,231
Ha!
525
00:17:04,231 --> 00:17:05,774
[laughs]
Ooh.
526
00:17:05,774 --> 00:17:07,484
Sorry, Mr. Security, sir.
[chuckles]
527
00:17:07,484 --> 00:17:08,902
Nah, you can keep it.
528
00:17:08,902 --> 00:17:11,113
Because I can afford
the regular size iPhone
529
00:17:11,113 --> 00:17:12,364
and the plus size one now.
530
00:17:12,364 --> 00:17:13,949
We just stole
the $4 million jackpot.
531
00:17:13,949 --> 00:17:15,409
- Shh.
- Uh-oh.
532
00:17:15,409 --> 00:17:17,619
[alarm blaring]
[yelps]
533
00:17:19,329 --> 00:17:22,291
[device beeping]
534
00:17:22,291 --> 00:17:25,002
[grunting]
[beeping stops]
535
00:17:25,002 --> 00:17:26,170
[sighs]
536
00:17:26,170 --> 00:17:29,131
♪ ♪
537
00:17:29,131 --> 00:17:31,633
Now, where was I?
538
00:17:31,633 --> 00:17:33,635
Oh, that's right.
539
00:17:33,635 --> 00:17:35,721
The knife fight that I had
with Mr. T
540
00:17:35,721 --> 00:17:37,139
on the set of "The A-Team."
541
00:17:37,139 --> 00:17:38,849
I might've lost my big toe,
542
00:17:38,849 --> 00:17:41,977
but he never grew hair
on the sides of his head again.
543
00:17:41,977 --> 00:17:43,145
[laughs]
544
00:17:43,145 --> 00:17:44,146
This was back when I was running
545
00:17:44,146 --> 00:17:46,857
a rival magazine to "Playboy"
called "Po' Boy."
546
00:17:46,857 --> 00:17:49,735
I invented food porn.
547
00:17:49,735 --> 00:17:52,279
But not pork,
'cause that's the Devil's work.
548
00:17:52,279 --> 00:17:54,281
And everyone came...
549
00:17:54,281 --> 00:17:56,158
[inhales, sighs]
550
00:17:56,158 --> 00:17:57,451
To eat.
[chuckles]
551
00:17:57,451 --> 00:18:00,662
All of the celebrities,
all of the criminals--
552
00:18:00,662 --> 00:18:03,415
oh, there were warrants out
for all of our arrests.
553
00:18:03,415 --> 00:18:05,834
But those were just the times, darling.
554
00:18:05,834 --> 00:18:07,628
[laughs]
555
00:18:07,628 --> 00:18:09,421
Oh, we like
to help each other out.
556
00:18:09,421 --> 00:18:11,465
Like OJ's white Bronco?
557
00:18:11,465 --> 00:18:14,259
In my backyard as we speak.
[laughs]
558
00:18:14,259 --> 00:18:15,803
[sirens wailing]
559
00:18:15,803 --> 00:18:17,679
[gasps]
No!
560
00:18:17,679 --> 00:18:19,348
They found me.
561
00:18:19,348 --> 00:18:21,350
[police radio chatter]
They found me.
562
00:18:23,268 --> 00:18:26,021
Hey! LaDonna!
563
00:18:26,021 --> 00:18:28,357
It's me, your bestie
from middle school!
564
00:18:28,357 --> 00:18:29,900
Salina Duplass!
565
00:18:29,900 --> 00:18:31,819
[laughs]
Real good trick.
566
00:18:31,819 --> 00:18:33,821
I see y'all move.
But you know what?
567
00:18:33,821 --> 00:18:35,322
All it took was
a little mail fraud,
568
00:18:35,322 --> 00:18:36,824
and I found you.
569
00:18:36,824 --> 00:18:38,784
LaDonna!
I know you in here.
570
00:18:38,784 --> 00:18:40,869
It smells like
a rap video hot tub.
571
00:18:40,869 --> 00:18:42,162
- Oh.
- Hey!
572
00:18:42,162 --> 00:18:43,330
Oh, it's just you.
573
00:18:43,330 --> 00:18:45,999
Ugh, I thought a goat
had gotten into the house.
574
00:18:45,999 --> 00:18:47,501
[laughs]
Not unless you talking about
575
00:18:47,501 --> 00:18:49,211
the greatest of all time.
576
00:18:49,211 --> 00:18:51,380
Ta-dow!
[laughs]
577
00:18:51,380 --> 00:18:53,215
I bow to you!
You like it?
578
00:18:53,215 --> 00:18:54,258
Yo.
579
00:18:54,258 --> 00:18:55,592
Look at me, LaDonna.
Guess what?
580
00:18:55,592 --> 00:18:57,219
I got a head full of hair, honey.
581
00:18:57,219 --> 00:18:59,054
No wig, no weave,
582
00:18:59,054 --> 00:19:01,807
just these crispy hair plugs
that stay staying in.
583
00:19:01,807 --> 00:19:04,393
Yuck.
Well, you still look terrible.
584
00:19:04,393 --> 00:19:06,770
And not 'cause of your hair,
'cause your face.
585
00:19:06,770 --> 00:19:08,021
[both laugh]
586
00:19:08,021 --> 00:19:09,356
- Well, you know what they say.
- What?
587
00:19:09,356 --> 00:19:10,649
I got a butter face.
588
00:19:10,649 --> 00:19:12,234
"Everything looks good
but her face."
589
00:19:12,234 --> 00:19:13,694
It's not a compliment.
590
00:19:13,694 --> 00:19:14,903
They probably call you
Country Crock
591
00:19:14,903 --> 00:19:16,572
'cause you got
a butter everything.
592
00:19:16,572 --> 00:19:18,156
All right, well,
you gonna play this MASH.
593
00:19:18,156 --> 00:19:19,575
- No.
- Ow!
594
00:19:19,575 --> 00:19:21,827
- My good hand!
- Not another MASH game.
595
00:19:21,827 --> 00:19:24,371
What you get is what you got.
Them's the rules.
596
00:19:24,371 --> 00:19:25,706
No!
597
00:19:25,706 --> 00:19:28,250
Now I have to go change into
a dress that you can't fit into
598
00:19:28,250 --> 00:19:29,751
for my bae's fundraiser.
599
00:19:29,751 --> 00:19:32,796
[chuckles] My man, Omarion,
is running for O-Mayor.
600
00:19:32,796 --> 00:19:35,591
I'm gonna be like
Michelle Omarion-bama.
601
00:19:35,591 --> 00:19:37,801
Nah, L-Dreezy, that's it.
That's it.
602
00:19:37,801 --> 00:19:39,595
You gonna play this rematch, okay?
603
00:19:39,595 --> 00:19:41,430
Because ever since
I got these hair plugs in,
604
00:19:41,430 --> 00:19:43,765
my luck has flipped faster
than a pig on a spit.
605
00:19:43,765 --> 00:19:45,309
And I should know,
'cause at my job,
606
00:19:45,309 --> 00:19:47,603
I put the pig on the spit,
and I crank that thing.
607
00:19:47,603 --> 00:19:48,645
Wait a minute.
608
00:19:50,230 --> 00:19:51,398
Wait a minute. Come here.
609
00:19:51,398 --> 00:19:52,649
- Just an inch.
- Oh.
610
00:19:52,649 --> 00:19:54,192
[gasps] One, two, three,
four, five, six...
611
00:19:57,154 --> 00:19:58,405
Oh, my God.
612
00:19:58,405 --> 00:20:00,949
Those look suspiciously like my
Locks of Black Love donation.
613
00:20:00,949 --> 00:20:02,075
Yeah.
614
00:20:02,075 --> 00:20:04,244
So they gave the extras
to Weave In Need,
615
00:20:04,244 --> 00:20:05,454
and I was the neediest.
616
00:20:05,454 --> 00:20:06,788
Congrats to me.
617
00:20:06,788 --> 00:20:09,249
Those were supposed to be for
the culture, not you, vulture.
618
00:20:09,249 --> 00:20:10,250
Give them back.
619
00:20:10,250 --> 00:20:11,668
- Pow! Pow!
- Give me them. Give me them.
620
00:20:11,668 --> 00:20:12,753
- Give me them.
- Pow!
621
00:20:12,753 --> 00:20:14,922
[screaming]
622
00:20:14,922 --> 00:20:16,798
[babbling]
623
00:20:16,798 --> 00:20:19,343
[dramatic music]
624
00:20:19,343 --> 00:20:20,719
♪ ♪
625
00:20:20,719 --> 00:20:22,679
- Oh, dear.
- Oh.
626
00:20:22,679 --> 00:20:24,306
Mm.
627
00:20:24,306 --> 00:20:25,891
- [as LaDonna] Oh, wow.
- [gasps]
628
00:20:25,891 --> 00:20:28,226
Why don't you keep
your greasy mitts off me,
629
00:20:28,226 --> 00:20:29,811
- you dirty leech.
- [gasps]
630
00:20:29,811 --> 00:20:31,855
- Ooh.
- What? What?
631
00:20:31,855 --> 00:20:34,483
I feel so--so different.
632
00:20:34,483 --> 00:20:37,486
So sexy. Ooh.
633
00:20:37,486 --> 00:20:40,364
What happened to the vocal fry
that matches your day job, hmm?
634
00:20:40,364 --> 00:20:42,240
Oh, I guess
I don't need it anymore,
635
00:20:42,240 --> 00:20:46,119
now that I'm gonna be
the future First Lady full time.
636
00:20:46,119 --> 00:20:48,455
No, no, you're not
the future First Lady.
637
00:20:48,455 --> 00:20:51,291
- I'm the future First Lady!
- Mm, not anymore.
638
00:20:51,291 --> 00:20:53,961
Looks like your oily locks
possessed me,
639
00:20:53,961 --> 00:20:56,546
and now I am you.
640
00:20:56,546 --> 00:20:58,048
You're gonna have to call Drake
641
00:20:58,048 --> 00:21:00,300
because there's
a new video vixen in town.
642
00:21:00,300 --> 00:21:02,135
Oh, stupid Salina.
643
00:21:02,135 --> 00:21:03,178
Why would I ever call Drake
644
00:21:03,178 --> 00:21:06,181
when there's a real R&B singer
in this house?
645
00:21:06,181 --> 00:21:07,683
Omarion daddy!
646
00:21:07,683 --> 00:21:09,851
Omarion baby, come here!
It's an emergency!
647
00:21:09,851 --> 00:21:10,852
Baby!
648
00:21:10,852 --> 00:21:11,937
both: Hi, daddy.
649
00:21:11,937 --> 00:21:14,856
[sultry R&B music]
650
00:21:14,856 --> 00:21:21,947
♪ ♪
651
00:21:24,741 --> 00:21:27,119
What's, uh, goin' on, baby?
652
00:21:27,119 --> 00:21:29,746
I was just upstairs working on
my choreography
653
00:21:29,746 --> 00:21:31,206
for my campaign speech.
654
00:21:31,206 --> 00:21:32,207
I'd love to see it.
655
00:21:32,207 --> 00:21:33,375
- I wanna see it more.
- I wanna see it.
656
00:21:33,375 --> 00:21:34,876
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
657
00:21:34,876 --> 00:21:39,840
♪ Vote for O ♪
658
00:21:39,840 --> 00:21:43,010
[vocalizing, grunting]
659
00:21:43,010 --> 00:21:44,011
Hey!
660
00:21:44,011 --> 00:21:45,887
[scatting]
661
00:21:45,887 --> 00:21:47,055
- Hey!
- Oh, my.
662
00:21:47,055 --> 00:21:48,390
- Ooh.
- Thank you, thank you.
663
00:21:48,390 --> 00:21:49,641
- Stop clapping.
- Stop clapping.
664
00:21:49,641 --> 00:21:51,393
I'm clapping with both
of my hands and my feet.
665
00:21:51,393 --> 00:21:53,020
I'm clapping from my puss.
666
00:21:53,020 --> 00:21:54,896
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Two LaDonnas?
667
00:21:54,896 --> 00:21:56,106
I'm seeing LaDouble.
668
00:21:56,106 --> 00:21:58,025
No, I'm LaDonna, look.
669
00:21:58,025 --> 00:21:59,443
You're not LaDonna, LaDummy.
670
00:21:59,443 --> 00:22:01,194
Keep my name out
of your LaDirty mouth.
671
00:22:01,194 --> 00:22:03,030
- You're so LaDusty.
- You're so LaStupid.
672
00:22:03,030 --> 00:22:05,323
- Okay, okay, okay, okay.
- You stink like LaMustard.
673
00:22:05,323 --> 00:22:06,616
Hold up.
674
00:22:06,616 --> 00:22:08,827
I'm gonna ask you what the woman
at the Bank of America asks me
675
00:22:08,827 --> 00:22:11,038
when I try to take out
more than $50.
676
00:22:11,038 --> 00:22:12,039
- Yeah, okay.
- Yes?
677
00:22:12,039 --> 00:22:14,249
How many Os are in my name?
678
00:22:14,249 --> 00:22:15,333
Os are zeros.
679
00:22:15,333 --> 00:22:16,501
- Yeah, that's a good point.
680
00:22:16,501 --> 00:22:17,919
- Os.
- O, Os, okay.
681
00:22:17,919 --> 00:22:19,212
both: Uh...
682
00:22:19,212 --> 00:22:20,630
ooh,
683
00:22:20,630 --> 00:22:22,466
ah, ooh,
684
00:22:22,466 --> 00:22:24,217
uh, five!
685
00:22:24,217 --> 00:22:26,928
You're both wrong, okay?
[both groan]
686
00:22:26,928 --> 00:22:29,264
But my LaDonna,
she's horrible at math, okay,
687
00:22:29,264 --> 00:22:30,807
so actually, you're both right.
688
00:22:30,807 --> 00:22:32,017
- Oh.
- Okay.
689
00:22:32,017 --> 00:22:33,643
But scratch that.
Let's try something else.
690
00:22:33,643 --> 00:22:34,811
- Yeah, something else.
- Something else.
691
00:22:34,811 --> 00:22:36,063
- The real LaDonna...
- Yeah.
692
00:22:36,063 --> 00:22:38,899
She knows which Lucky Charm
that I eat first.
693
00:22:38,899 --> 00:22:39,900
Which one is it?
694
00:22:39,900 --> 00:22:43,487
Uh, in the morning,
when your mouth is wet,
695
00:22:43,487 --> 00:22:45,155
and you're eating stuff...
696
00:22:45,155 --> 00:22:47,824
Um, I know.
The rainbow.
697
00:22:47,824 --> 00:22:50,243
How do you expect me
to know that?
698
00:22:50,243 --> 00:22:51,578
It was a trick question.
699
00:22:51,578 --> 00:22:54,331
You see, my LaDonna
wouldn't know that, okay?
700
00:22:54,331 --> 00:22:55,957
She's allergic to breakfast.
701
00:22:55,957 --> 00:22:57,793
- Oh!
- Baby!
702
00:22:57,793 --> 00:23:00,295
Yes.
both: Ooh.
703
00:23:00,295 --> 00:23:03,924
Looks like I corrected MASH,
so now I'm about to smash.
704
00:23:03,924 --> 00:23:05,342
Give me back my hair
and my husband!
705
00:23:05,342 --> 00:23:08,011
Lady, lady, lady, lady.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, lady.
706
00:23:08,011 --> 00:23:09,846
- Lady, lady!
- Daddy!
707
00:23:09,846 --> 00:23:12,140
- Daddy, do you recognize me now?
- We do not know you.
708
00:23:12,140 --> 00:23:13,558
No one in this house
knows you.
709
00:23:13,558 --> 00:23:14,851
- You need to leave.
- You need to leave.
710
00:23:14,851 --> 00:23:18,105
First of all,
this is my lady, okay?
711
00:23:18,105 --> 00:23:20,440
And her lovely locks
are her own.
712
00:23:20,440 --> 00:23:21,608
No, they're mine.
713
00:23:21,608 --> 00:23:22,943
- No, they're not.
- Mine!
714
00:23:22,943 --> 00:23:25,112
You think I, Omarion,
715
00:23:25,112 --> 00:23:27,656
- an international megastar...
- Megastar.
716
00:23:27,656 --> 00:23:29,741
- Would not know my own wife?
- Mm.
717
00:23:29,741 --> 00:23:30,784
It's me, daddy.
718
00:23:30,784 --> 00:23:32,619
- Baby!
- Yes, yes?
719
00:23:32,619 --> 00:23:34,746
- Fire up the Lambo, okay?
- No, not the Lambo.
720
00:23:34,746 --> 00:23:36,039
You remember how the doors go,
right, baby?
721
00:23:36,039 --> 00:23:37,958
- Like this?
- Like this.
722
00:23:37,958 --> 00:23:40,127
That's my girl.
We out.
723
00:23:40,127 --> 00:23:42,671
We? There's no we.
724
00:23:42,671 --> 00:23:44,756
Ooh! Oh, God.
725
00:23:44,756 --> 00:23:46,216
LaDamn it!
726
00:23:47,509 --> 00:23:48,677
You queefed a little bit.
727
00:23:48,677 --> 00:23:49,886
I never queefed in my life
728
00:23:49,886 --> 00:23:51,555
'cause I'm never
on all fours anyway.
729
00:23:51,555 --> 00:23:53,515
You can queef standing up. Watch.
730
00:23:53,515 --> 00:23:54,933
[toots]
Just did it.
731
00:23:54,933 --> 00:23:56,393
Her family is so poor,
732
00:23:56,393 --> 00:23:58,436
that they tried to get swallowed
by a whale just to have a house.
733
00:23:58,436 --> 00:24:01,189
I will be your penis patriot, America.
734
00:24:01,189 --> 00:24:02,983
But I will not shaft you.
735
00:24:02,983 --> 00:24:05,235
What is an areola?
Let's start there.
736
00:24:05,235 --> 00:24:07,821
The real LaDonna...
[both moaning]
737
00:24:07,821 --> 00:24:10,657
[laughs]
Oh, my God.
738
00:24:10,657 --> 00:24:11,992
I'm so confused!
739
00:24:11,992 --> 00:24:13,994
Wow! What happened to you?
740
00:24:13,994 --> 00:24:15,996
Did you get stung by
a thousand bees in your butt?
741
00:24:15,996 --> 00:24:17,664
- Mm.
- Did you just kiss her?
742
00:24:17,664 --> 00:24:18,707
Your beard don't even connect,
743
00:24:18,707 --> 00:24:20,542
and you worried about
somebody else's inner hair?
744
00:24:20,542 --> 00:24:22,544
Ma'am, there's locks
under my turban.
745
00:24:22,544 --> 00:24:24,129
I got locks upstairs
and downstairs.
746
00:24:24,129 --> 00:24:25,589
We took this fucking oath
together!
747
00:24:25,589 --> 00:24:27,716
"I do solemnly swear any dicks
that get sucked tonight
748
00:24:27,716 --> 00:24:29,968
will not be put on IG Live."
What was that about?
749
00:24:29,968 --> 00:24:31,720
- This is natural too.
- Oh, that's a scalp?
750
00:24:31,720 --> 00:24:34,055
This growing out my scalp.
I have a deadly disease.
751
00:24:34,055 --> 00:24:35,390
Security!
752
00:24:35,390 --> 00:24:38,059
- No, no more MASH game.
- Ow! Ow!
753
00:24:38,059 --> 00:24:39,519
- Stop it.
- My tendonitis!
754
00:24:39,519 --> 00:24:41,229
- I didn't even hit you.
- You did.
755
00:24:41,229 --> 00:24:43,064
- You're dramatic, you've...
- Look, watch, do it again.
756
00:24:43,064 --> 00:24:44,774
Ow!
757
00:24:44,774 --> 00:24:47,944
It smells like
a rapper's coochie--a man's.
758
00:24:59,956 --> 00:25:02,000
[bright tone]
759
00:25:02,050 --> 00:25:06,600
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
55561
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
