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1
00:00:00,761 --> 00:00:02,961
(DRUMROLL PLAYS)
2
00:00:04,681 --> 00:00:06,281
(CYMBAL CRASHES)
3
00:00:09,681 --> 00:00:11,681
(PHONE RINGS)
4
00:00:22,361 --> 00:00:24,201
(PHONE CONTINUES RINGING)
5
00:00:38,161 --> 00:00:40,161
(PHONE CONTINUES RINGING)
6
00:01:06,521 --> 00:01:08,801
(PHONE CONTINUES RINGING)
7
00:01:13,761 --> 00:01:15,481
(PHONE STOPS RINGING)
8
00:01:19,161 --> 00:01:20,361
(HE SIGHS)
9
00:01:21,201 --> 00:01:22,361
(DISTANT CLICK)
10
00:02:10,761 --> 00:02:12,721
(DISTANT TYPEWRITER CLATTERS)
11
00:02:13,201 --> 00:02:14,801
This morning, before dawn
12
00:02:15,161 --> 00:02:18,001
feeling rampantly potent
13
00:02:18,601 --> 00:02:20,641
I decided to arouse my wife.
14
00:02:22,041 --> 00:02:24,201
I put a hand where it matters most
15
00:02:24,921 --> 00:02:26,241
and I kissed her.
16
00:02:28,561 --> 00:02:30,801
"Get your tongue out of my mouth," she said.
17
00:02:31,001 --> 00:02:32,481
"It's too early for that."
18
00:02:33,601 --> 00:02:35,601
Then she pulled my hair a bit
19
00:02:36,321 --> 00:02:38,441
and she laughed a bit.
20
00:02:39,761 --> 00:02:42,081
And then she took the initiative.
21
00:02:43,161 --> 00:02:44,321
As usual.
22
00:02:45,681 --> 00:02:47,401
She moved about on top of me
23
00:02:47,521 --> 00:02:50,961
like a voluptuous jockey.
24
00:02:51,521 --> 00:02:52,601
Hm.
25
00:02:53,921 --> 00:02:55,481
Hitting me on the chest
26
00:02:55,921 --> 00:02:58,361
and shouting at the top of her voice.
27
00:02:59,401 --> 00:03:00,841
Obscenities, mostly.
28
00:03:01,001 --> 00:03:03,001
Shouting obscenities.
29
00:03:03,281 --> 00:03:04,521
Er, no. Correction.
30
00:03:04,641 --> 00:03:07,281
Shouting rhythmic obscenities.
31
00:03:08,441 --> 00:03:11,441
There was blood on my chest
where her nails had torn the skin.
32
00:03:12,081 --> 00:03:13,521
I could hear her laughing.
33
00:03:14,041 --> 00:03:15,281
I laughed too
34
00:03:15,441 --> 00:03:17,481
overcome by a sense of fa...
35
00:03:17,961 --> 00:03:20,041
I do not recall hearing you knock
36
00:03:20,121 --> 00:03:22,561
and I certainly didn't ask you to come in,
Plasche.
37
00:03:23,881 --> 00:03:24,921
Read these.
38
00:03:25,041 --> 00:03:26,881
- They're disgusting.
- What are they?
39
00:03:27,041 --> 00:03:28,921
Zippy Grimes' fan mail.
40
00:03:30,361 --> 00:03:32,961
You deal with them.
They're disgusting.
41
00:03:33,321 --> 00:03:34,401
What, all of them?
42
00:03:34,481 --> 00:03:35,481
Read them.
43
00:03:35,881 --> 00:03:39,121
Plasche, I don't suppose you could
occasionally dust this office, could you?
44
00:03:40,361 --> 00:03:42,921
If you continue to treat me
as a domestic servant
45
00:03:43,001 --> 00:03:44,601
I shall find myself another job.
46
00:03:44,681 --> 00:03:47,081
Oh, what? At your age?
(HE CHUCKLES)
47
00:03:47,361 --> 00:03:50,681
Next, you'll be telling me you're going to
marry that praying mantis of a boyfriend.
48
00:03:50,761 --> 00:03:54,081
L'm not so thrilled by all this
that marriage would seem like an intrusion.
49
00:03:54,161 --> 00:03:57,361
Mm. I think it's a splendid idea, Plasche.
50
00:03:57,441 --> 00:03:58,441
Splendid.
51
00:03:58,521 --> 00:04:00,841
A woman without a man
is like a door without a handle.
52
00:04:00,961 --> 00:04:02,241
Sexist pig.
53
00:04:03,641 --> 00:04:04,761
(DOOR SHUTS)
54
00:04:06,001 --> 00:04:07,521
Tsk. Naughty.
55
00:04:10,041 --> 00:04:11,281
Very rude.
56
00:04:13,161 --> 00:04:15,321
(DISTANT TYPEWRITER CLATTERS)
57
00:04:34,001 --> 00:04:36,001
I feel negative vibrations.
58
00:04:37,041 --> 00:04:38,881
What am I supposed to do with these?
59
00:04:39,201 --> 00:04:41,321
You opened the box, Pandora.
60
00:04:41,761 --> 00:04:45,041
Oh, thank you for your helpful advice.
I shall cherish it.
61
00:04:48,121 --> 00:04:50,881
What exactly does a hair fetishist do?
62
00:04:51,761 --> 00:04:52,801
I don't know.
63
00:04:53,161 --> 00:04:55,681
I suppose he rolls about in it or something.
64
00:05:00,001 --> 00:05:02,641
No, seriously though, Plasche.
I can't answer these.
65
00:05:03,321 --> 00:05:06,481
I warned you not to write that article.
This is just the start.
66
00:05:06,601 --> 00:05:09,561
What are you talking about?
That was a perfectly serious piece of work.
67
00:05:09,641 --> 00:05:11,801
Then why didn't you have the guts
to put your own name to it?
68
00:05:11,881 --> 00:05:12,881
Y...
69
00:05:14,241 --> 00:05:15,921
Two copies, right?
70
00:05:16,041 --> 00:05:17,081
PLASCHE:
Please.
71
00:05:19,521 --> 00:05:21,161
You are not indispensable, you know.
72
00:05:21,321 --> 00:05:23,481
You can't sack me, I know too much.
73
00:05:24,361 --> 00:05:25,361
True.
74
00:05:36,441 --> 00:05:37,401
Mm...
75
00:05:39,281 --> 00:05:42,201
LEWIS (V0): 'It's easy to write
about things like this, isn 't it?"
76
00:05:42,481 --> 00:05:44,401
"I don 't have to look at your face, do I?"
77
00:05:45,281 --> 00:05:47,281
"I don't have to give my name or address."
78
00:05:47,641 --> 00:05:49,681
"It happened so long ago, 1964..."
79
00:05:49,761 --> 00:05:52,081
"...and it's been preying on my mind
a lot lately. "
80
00:05:52,361 --> 00:05:53,441
"I don't know why."
81
00:05:55,401 --> 00:05:58,121
MAN'S VOICE:
It"s funny, after all these years...
82
00:05:59,921 --> 00:06:01,841
I must tell someone.
83
00:06:03,161 --> 00:06:05,641
And I don 't want to tell my wife.
84
00:06:07,041 --> 00:06:09,521
The thing is, Zippy...
85
00:06:11,681 --> 00:06:14,921
I killed this man, see.
86
00:06:16,121 --> 00:06:17,521
LEWIS (V0):
”Well, boy, really. "
87
00:06:18,001 --> 00:06:19,721
"He was queer, like you."
88
00:06:21,481 --> 00:06:24,561
"I choked him with a patchwork cushion
and put him in the garden."
89
00:06:25,281 --> 00:06:27,001
"Smothering, I suppose you'd call it."
90
00:06:28,281 --> 00:06:31,881
"My wife was out, gone away to her sister
in Bournemouth for two days."
91
00:06:33,361 --> 00:06:36,201
MAN'S VOICE:
I met this boy in the market...
92
00:06:37,281 --> 00:06:38,841
and took him home...
93
00:06:40,121 --> 00:06:42,641
and we did... this thing.
94
00:06:43,961 --> 00:06:48,121
Mind you, Zippy,
I'm not saying I didn't enjoy it.
95
00:06:49,041 --> 00:06:50,521
Because I did.
96
00:06:52,481 --> 00:06:55,401
But he got awkward afterwards.
97
00:06:56,201 --> 00:06:57,441
He got...
98
00:06:57,881 --> 00:06:58,881
silly.
99
00:07:00,041 --> 00:07:02,161
Not nasty, mind.
100
00:07:03,401 --> 00:07:05,521
The opposite, really.
101
00:07:08,681 --> 00:07:11,321
I think he was just lonely.
102
00:07:13,841 --> 00:07:17,481
He wanted to come back again, see.
103
00:07:18,721 --> 00:07:21,401
I couldn't have that, could I?
104
00:07:23,001 --> 00:07:26,121
Not with the wife and everything.
105
00:07:27,801 --> 00:07:31,121
Nobody ever wrote anything in the papers
106
00:07:31,201 --> 00:07:33,201
that I saw.
107
00:07:34,721 --> 00:07:39,161
Nothing about this boy
being missing from the town
108
00:07:39,841 --> 00:07:41,121
or anything.
109
00:07:45,081 --> 00:07:47,201
And then we moved.
110
00:07:48,921 --> 00:07:53,121
And that garden 's part of a reservoir now.
111
00:07:54,841 --> 00:07:57,721
So, they'll never find him
112
00:07:58,201 --> 00:07:59,281
will they?
113
00:08:00,761 --> 00:08:03,601
Not under all that water.
114
00:08:04,361 --> 00:08:06,321
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
115
00:08:09,681 --> 00:08:11,401
Here, I haven't finished that, Miss.
116
00:08:42,361 --> 00:08:44,721
Hello, Alan. Still digging for victory?
117
00:08:45,481 --> 00:08:47,441
The name's Brian.
(NOSE SQUEAKS)
118
00:08:47,721 --> 00:08:49,281
He's bloody not here again.
119
00:08:49,441 --> 00:08:50,481
So I see.
120
00:08:52,561 --> 00:08:55,241
Every bloody Wednesday,
he's bloody not here.
121
00:08:55,321 --> 00:08:57,201
LEWIS:
Why don't you come another day?
122
00:08:58,801 --> 00:09:00,601
Bloody piano lessons.
123
00:09:06,161 --> 00:09:07,721
(HE SIGHS)
Close the door.
124
00:09:08,881 --> 00:09:11,201
I said close it, not wreck it.
125
00:09:12,121 --> 00:09:13,681
I'm gonna tell my father.
126
00:09:13,881 --> 00:09:15,041
I don't doubt it.
127
00:09:17,361 --> 00:09:19,561
No doubt you will make yourself at home,
Alan.
128
00:09:19,921 --> 00:09:20,921
Brian!
129
00:09:22,761 --> 00:09:23,841
Little monster.
130
00:09:25,121 --> 00:09:27,481
(CLASSICAL PIANO PLAYS NEXT DOOR)
131
00:09:29,041 --> 00:09:31,161
(INDISTINCT MAN'S VOICE)
132
00:09:32,201 --> 00:09:34,161
- OK. Same time next week.
- (DOOR OPENS)
133
00:09:34,441 --> 00:09:35,801
Practice the piece I gave you.
134
00:09:37,601 --> 00:09:38,921
Fancies you rotten, that one.
135
00:09:39,041 --> 00:09:40,241
- She's not bad.
- Mm!
136
00:09:41,121 --> 00:09:42,241
Goodnight, Mr Lloyd.
137
00:09:42,321 --> 00:09:44,321
- Goodnight.
- Goodnight, Mr Duncan.
138
00:09:45,041 --> 00:09:46,641
I've seen bigger boobs on a carrot.
139
00:09:46,801 --> 00:09:48,761
- Goodnight!
- I meant her playing, actually.
140
00:09:48,841 --> 00:09:49,721
Oh.
141
00:09:55,041 --> 00:09:56,041
- Lewis?
-Hm?
142
00:09:56,121 --> 00:09:58,001
I thought you were going to get
supper ready.
143
00:09:58,081 --> 00:09:59,761
- Oh... Oh, yes.
- Mm!
144
00:09:59,841 --> 00:10:01,761
Er, can't we have curry tonight?
145
00:10:02,081 --> 00:10:04,201
We ought to have shares
in that bloody takeaway.
146
00:10:04,281 --> 00:10:05,241
Well...
147
00:10:08,961 --> 00:10:10,401
- Where were you?
-Hm?
148
00:10:10,921 --> 00:10:11,881
Earlier.
149
00:10:12,281 --> 00:10:14,881
Oh, yes.
Yes, I'm sorry about that Russell brat.
150
00:10:15,321 --> 00:10:17,481
If you must have that little runt as a pupil
151
00:10:17,761 --> 00:10:19,641
you might try and be here
when he arrives.
152
00:10:19,721 --> 00:10:21,521
Yes, I'm sorry, it's just that, er...
153
00:10:21,601 --> 00:10:24,601
Gunnar wanted to get on with the painting
while the light was good.
154
00:10:24,761 --> 00:10:25,921
You know what he's like.
155
00:10:26,681 --> 00:10:27,601
Yes.
156
00:10:29,561 --> 00:10:31,201
How's the portrait coming?
157
00:10:31,601 --> 00:10:32,481
Oh, alright.
158
00:10:32,561 --> 00:10:35,521
Just that I hadn't realised
it was gonna take so long, that's all.
159
00:10:35,601 --> 00:10:36,481
Oh, thanks.
160
00:10:39,241 --> 00:10:40,441
What are you doing?
161
00:10:40,601 --> 00:10:41,561
Oh...
162
00:10:41,881 --> 00:10:45,361
Harry's given me these
Zippy Grimes fan-mail to look at.
163
00:10:45,441 --> 00:10:47,361
- Any offers of marriage?
- (HE CHUCKLES)
164
00:10:47,441 --> 00:10:48,601
Only from the men.
165
00:10:49,441 --> 00:10:51,561
You mean you've actually had
letters from women?
166
00:10:51,681 --> 00:10:52,961
Why the surprise?
167
00:10:53,281 --> 00:10:55,681
Over 70% of the readers of Arbiter
are women.
168
00:10:55,761 --> 00:10:57,001
- I didn't know that.
- Yeah.
169
00:10:59,481 --> 00:11:01,961
What are you going to do about your pupils?
170
00:11:02,121 --> 00:11:03,281
When we move?
171
00:11:03,481 --> 00:11:04,441
Well...
172
00:11:04,561 --> 00:11:06,961
Surrey isn't exactly a cultural desert,
is it?
173
00:11:07,161 --> 00:11:08,681
L'll put an ad in the local paper.
174
00:11:08,761 --> 00:11:12,401
Yeah, I mean the ones you already have
like whatshername and, er...
175
00:11:12,601 --> 00:11:14,361
that ghastly little nosepicker.
176
00:11:14,841 --> 00:11:18,201
Well, they'll just have to find themselves
another teacher, won't they?
177
00:11:18,321 --> 00:11:19,201
Mm.
178
00:11:20,641 --> 00:11:21,761
- Rich.
- Mm?
179
00:11:22,801 --> 00:11:24,561
You're not getting cold feet, are you?
180
00:11:24,641 --> 00:11:25,921
I'm getting bloody hungry.
181
00:11:26,161 --> 00:11:27,441
Oh. Yes.
182
00:11:28,801 --> 00:11:30,241
I'll go and get some money.
183
00:11:38,001 --> 00:11:39,841
Gunnar has asked us to dinner.
184
00:11:41,001 --> 00:11:41,881
Why?
185
00:11:41,961 --> 00:11:43,641
Oh. That's a bloody stupid question.
186
00:11:44,721 --> 00:11:46,161
Well, when?
187
00:11:46,281 --> 00:11:48,401
It depends on you.
Next week, Friday, Saturday?
188
00:11:48,481 --> 00:11:49,441
(HE SIGHS)
189
00:11:49,521 --> 00:11:51,321
- Either.
- Well, which?
190
00:11:52,561 --> 00:11:55,081
Well, I'm not sure I want to go.
191
00:11:55,401 --> 00:11:56,881
Look, he's your friend, not mine.
192
00:11:56,961 --> 00:11:58,521
It was your idea
he should paint my portrait.
193
00:11:58,601 --> 00:11:59,761
Ah, it's not him.
194
00:12:00,841 --> 00:12:02,481
It's that evil queen, Gerald.
195
00:12:02,561 --> 00:12:04,921
- Oh, love him, hate her.
- (LEWIS CHUCKLES)
196
00:12:06,441 --> 00:12:07,601
What should I tell Gunnar?
197
00:12:07,681 --> 00:12:08,641
Oh...
198
00:12:09,441 --> 00:12:10,841
- Friday?
- OK.
199
00:12:14,841 --> 00:12:15,841
Come on.
200
00:12:16,401 --> 00:12:17,761
I'll get some food inside you
201
00:12:17,841 --> 00:12:20,281
before you fly into one of your
Wagnerian rages.
202
00:12:22,401 --> 00:12:23,761
Oh, God...
203
00:12:47,281 --> 00:12:48,801
What the hell are you doing?
204
00:12:49,081 --> 00:12:50,321
Playing Happy Families.
205
00:12:51,241 --> 00:12:53,761
You know, it's been like
lying next to Clapham Junction.
206
00:12:54,241 --> 00:12:56,321
You think you could take a pill or something?
207
00:12:56,801 --> 00:12:58,281
All that huffing and puffing
208
00:12:58,361 --> 00:12:59,881
and groaning and moaning.
209
00:13:01,561 --> 00:13:02,801
It's wearing me out.
210
00:13:02,921 --> 00:13:03,841
Sorry.
211
00:13:12,321 --> 00:13:13,321
Thank you.
212
00:13:17,361 --> 00:13:18,321
Mm...
213
00:13:19,081 --> 00:13:20,081
nectar.
214
00:13:20,761 --> 00:13:22,121
Curry always dries me out.
215
00:13:22,601 --> 00:13:24,441
It's like getting sunburn on the inside.
216
00:13:24,521 --> 00:13:25,481
What?
217
00:13:26,241 --> 00:13:28,001
- Eating curry, dear.
- Oh.
218
00:13:31,721 --> 00:13:32,721
- Don't.
- What?
219
00:13:32,841 --> 00:13:34,081
They're in piles.
220
00:13:34,281 --> 00:13:36,281
- Yes, I can see that.
- No, no, no. Specifically.
221
00:13:36,361 --> 00:13:37,481
I put them in piles.
222
00:13:37,601 --> 00:13:38,601
Pathetic.
223
00:13:39,201 --> 00:13:40,201
Crazy.
224
00:13:40,841 --> 00:13:41,881
Illegible.
225
00:13:42,121 --> 00:13:43,321
And filth.
226
00:13:43,521 --> 00:13:45,681
Seems to be rather more filth
than anything else.
227
00:13:45,761 --> 00:13:46,681
(LEWIS MUTTERS)
228
00:13:46,761 --> 00:13:49,001
How do you distinguish between
pathetic and crazy?
229
00:13:49,801 --> 00:13:51,441
Well, pathetic's sad.
230
00:13:51,801 --> 00:13:53,161
Crazy's just wild.
231
00:13:54,801 --> 00:13:56,441
Then there's the Jesus freaks.
232
00:13:56,721 --> 00:13:59,241
And the ones who think
they're gonna turn into monsters
233
00:13:59,681 --> 00:14:01,241
because they've slept with a man.
234
00:14:02,241 --> 00:14:03,961
Quite a few Catholics among that lot.
235
00:14:04,801 --> 00:14:07,841
And there's one there who thinks
his pecker's gonna turn into a beak.
236
00:14:07,921 --> 00:14:10,001
- I'd think that was pretty pathetic.
- Yeah.
237
00:14:10,081 --> 00:14:11,921
Actually, none of them are very funny.
238
00:14:12,121 --> 00:14:13,761
In fact, they're bloody depressing.
239
00:14:14,081 --> 00:14:16,001
Except possibly the, er...
240
00:14:16,721 --> 00:14:17,881
illegible ones.
241
00:14:17,961 --> 00:14:20,681
I can't read those, so I can't really tell
whether they're comic.
242
00:14:20,761 --> 00:14:21,921
Well, throw them away.
243
00:14:22,241 --> 00:14:24,121
Yeah. I probably shall.
244
00:14:26,041 --> 00:14:28,281
Listen, you dizzy faggot,
it's three o'clock in the morning
245
00:14:28,361 --> 00:14:30,081
so what's so important about all these?
246
00:14:30,961 --> 00:14:33,281
Well, they're important
to the people who wrote them.
247
00:14:33,361 --> 00:14:34,561
At least some of them were.
248
00:14:35,321 --> 00:14:37,161
Come on. Beddy-byes.
249
00:14:39,481 --> 00:14:40,521
Come on.
250
00:14:43,801 --> 00:14:44,881
(LEWIS SIGHS)
251
00:14:50,201 --> 00:14:52,881
You know that stuff
is supposed to rot your teeth, don't you?
252
00:14:53,361 --> 00:14:55,641
They told me that would happen
if I wanked too much.
253
00:14:55,721 --> 00:14:56,761
(LEWIS CHUCKLES)
254
00:14:56,841 --> 00:14:58,321
No, that was your eyesight
255
00:14:58,601 --> 00:14:59,601
not your teeth.
256
00:14:59,961 --> 00:15:01,161
Well, the mind boggles.
257
00:15:02,041 --> 00:15:04,361
All those toothless schoolboys going blind.
258
00:15:04,601 --> 00:15:05,801
(HE CHUCKLES)
259
00:15:06,481 --> 00:15:07,561
(HE COUGHS)
260
00:15:11,881 --> 00:15:12,841
Lewis.
261
00:15:14,241 --> 00:15:16,121
If you really are that worried
about the letters
262
00:15:16,201 --> 00:15:18,441
why don't you send them all back
to the magazine?
263
00:15:19,161 --> 00:15:20,961
- They were addressed to me.
- No, they were not.
264
00:15:21,041 --> 00:15:22,401
They were addressed to Zippy Grimes.
265
00:15:22,521 --> 00:15:24,761
Well, I am Zippy Grimes.
I was Zippy Grimes.
266
00:15:24,841 --> 00:15:26,681
No one knows that except you and me.
267
00:15:26,761 --> 00:15:29,401
Yes, and Harry Essendorf
and Cecilia Plasche.
268
00:15:29,481 --> 00:15:30,841
That's three too many already.
269
00:15:30,921 --> 00:15:32,481
Let Harry deal with the letters.
270
00:15:32,721 --> 00:15:34,121
He'll probably throw them away.
271
00:15:34,361 --> 00:15:35,521
Yeah, he probably will.
272
00:15:36,441 --> 00:15:37,441
Huh.
273
00:15:37,801 --> 00:15:40,081
Harry's tougher than my mother
and she's metallic.
274
00:15:41,281 --> 00:15:44,241
If you kicked Harry in the balls,
you'd probably break your ankle.
275
00:15:46,801 --> 00:15:48,961
Come to think of it,
the same goes for my mother.
276
00:16:05,721 --> 00:16:06,881
- Rich?
- Hmm?
277
00:16:10,321 --> 00:16:11,561
Have you ever been...
278
00:16:13,321 --> 00:16:15,201
scared of something
279
00:16:16,001 --> 00:16:17,361
and you didn't know why?
280
00:16:20,361 --> 00:16:22,521
You didn't know what it was
you were scared of?
281
00:16:24,201 --> 00:16:25,281
Not lately.
282
00:16:27,361 --> 00:16:28,441
For hours.
283
00:16:29,841 --> 00:16:31,001
Sometimes days.
284
00:16:34,321 --> 00:16:35,561
Irrational, Lewis.
285
00:16:37,761 --> 00:16:38,801
Yeah.
286
00:16:40,001 --> 00:16:41,081
Irrational.
287
00:16:45,961 --> 00:16:47,201
Very frightening.
288
00:16:54,881 --> 00:16:57,761
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS FAINTLY)
289
00:17:11,201 --> 00:17:12,401
(RICHIE YAWNS)
290
00:17:17,281 --> 00:17:18,521
This one's nice, Gunnar.
291
00:17:19,081 --> 00:17:20,121
GUNNAR:
Hmm?
292
00:17:20,761 --> 00:17:22,041
The landscape.
293
00:17:24,361 --> 00:17:25,321
Oh.
294
00:17:26,161 --> 00:17:27,721
It's a good thing cows aren't green.
295
00:17:28,121 --> 00:17:29,081
What?
296
00:17:29,201 --> 00:17:31,081
We'd never be able to see them otherwise.
297
00:17:32,161 --> 00:17:33,761
- Huh.
- Clever of God, that.
298
00:17:33,841 --> 00:17:35,241
Not making cows green.
299
00:17:35,361 --> 00:17:37,361
- Please, keep your head still.
- Sorry.
300
00:17:40,361 --> 00:17:42,161
I didn't know you did landscapes.
301
00:17:43,361 --> 00:17:44,761
I don't, er...
302
00:17:45,081 --> 00:17:46,401
That's one of Gerald's.
303
00:17:46,641 --> 00:17:47,641
Oh.
304
00:17:48,321 --> 00:17:49,321
Is it?
305
00:17:49,761 --> 00:17:51,241
Oh, I still like it though.
306
00:17:52,681 --> 00:17:53,681
Sorry.
307
00:17:56,601 --> 00:17:59,361
- Are you comfortable like that?
- Not really. Like what?
308
00:18:01,241 --> 00:18:02,641
With your legs crossed?
309
00:18:02,801 --> 00:18:05,081
My God. You can't paint crossed legs,
can you?
310
00:18:05,201 --> 00:18:07,001
L'll paint them knotted, if you like.
311
00:18:07,481 --> 00:18:10,721
- L was thinking of your circulation.
- I'll probably get cramp anyway.
312
00:18:11,161 --> 00:18:13,201
You are supposed to be looking to the front.
313
00:18:13,841 --> 00:18:14,881
I'm sorry.
314
00:18:20,601 --> 00:18:21,681
Am I allowed to talk?
315
00:18:23,641 --> 00:18:25,561
I don't seem to be able to stop you.
316
00:18:25,921 --> 00:18:26,961
It won't put you off?
317
00:18:28,561 --> 00:18:30,641
That depends on what you talk about.
318
00:18:31,841 --> 00:18:32,841
You see...
319
00:18:33,321 --> 00:18:35,201
even if cows were green
320
00:18:35,961 --> 00:18:39,041
we'd still be able to see them
by the whites of their eyes
321
00:18:39,161 --> 00:18:40,401
and their big...
322
00:18:40,761 --> 00:18:41,801
Dink.._
323
00:18:42,401 --> 00:18:43,361
tongues.
324
00:18:43,481 --> 00:18:45,001
(THEY SNIGGER)
325
00:18:47,001 --> 00:18:48,041
Sorry.
326
00:18:59,241 --> 00:19:00,401
Oh, hello.
327
00:19:02,961 --> 00:19:04,281
Oh, I'm sorry about that.
328
00:19:04,401 --> 00:19:06,001
They wouldn't let me in without one.
329
00:19:06,081 --> 00:19:07,081
You're late.
330
00:19:07,201 --> 00:19:08,081
Yes.
331
00:19:08,441 --> 00:19:10,081
Oh, I see you had the same problem.
332
00:19:10,761 --> 00:19:13,801
This, you prick,
cost me 16 quid in Bond Street.
333
00:19:14,361 --> 00:19:15,441
Sotheby's?
334
00:19:16,601 --> 00:19:17,841
What'll you have?
335
00:19:17,961 --> 00:19:19,001
Er, wine, please.
336
00:19:19,201 --> 00:19:20,201
I wouldn't.
337
00:19:20,841 --> 00:19:21,841
White, please.
338
00:19:22,001 --> 00:19:23,041
Dry. sir?
339
00:19:23,641 --> 00:19:24,561
Yes.
340
00:19:25,561 --> 00:19:27,521
And another green one for the host.
341
00:19:28,841 --> 00:19:29,841
Come.
342
00:19:32,841 --> 00:19:35,961
I suppose a smile would spoil his image,
would it?
343
00:19:36,161 --> 00:19:37,281
Is he always like that?
344
00:19:37,521 --> 00:19:38,921
He's a barman, petal.
345
00:19:39,001 --> 00:19:41,081
Who cares whether he's got
one foot in the grave.
346
00:19:41,161 --> 00:19:42,521
He keeps the rest of us going.
347
00:19:48,641 --> 00:19:51,561
How to extract from the dead
the secret of life.
348
00:19:51,641 --> 00:19:53,241
- What is that?
- Never mind.
349
00:19:55,841 --> 00:19:57,281
You're late, Mr Duncan.
350
00:19:57,401 --> 00:19:59,521
Yeah, I'm sorry. It's the traffic.
351
00:19:59,681 --> 00:20:00,921
You're very late.
352
00:20:01,041 --> 00:20:03,121
Busy editors don't like to be kept waiting.
353
00:20:03,201 --> 00:20:04,241
I'm sorry, Harry.
354
00:20:04,321 --> 00:20:06,601
I thought you employed a minion
to keep you alert?
355
00:20:06,681 --> 00:20:08,721
That creature with the name like an anagram.
356
00:20:08,921 --> 00:20:09,881
Plasche?
357
00:20:09,961 --> 00:20:12,761
Yeah, well, she's not a computer, you know.
She makes mistakes too.
358
00:20:12,841 --> 00:20:13,721
I'm not that late.
359
00:20:13,961 --> 00:20:15,121
Plasche, that's it.
360
00:20:15,201 --> 00:20:17,081
Cecilia Plasche.
361
00:20:17,601 --> 00:20:18,681
Poor cow.
362
00:20:19,121 --> 00:20:21,281
She must be followed by a chorus
of "gesundheits"
363
00:20:21,361 --> 00:20:22,601
every time her name's mentioned.
364
00:20:22,721 --> 00:20:23,721
(HE CHUCKLES)
365
00:20:24,081 --> 00:20:25,241
Do that again.
366
00:20:27,321 --> 00:20:28,801
- What?
- Put your tongue out.
367
00:20:29,321 --> 00:20:30,921
- Lewis.
- No, no, really.
368
00:20:32,641 --> 00:20:34,321
Behold the Himalayas.
369
00:20:35,401 --> 00:20:36,321
Oh.
370
00:20:36,401 --> 00:20:37,801
" Nasty?
- Very,
371
00:20:39,121 --> 00:20:40,921
How many of these things have you had?
372
00:20:41,001 --> 00:20:42,041
Who's counting?
373
00:20:46,721 --> 00:20:48,241
Ah, Chateau ICI.
374
00:20:48,321 --> 00:20:49,721
Don't say I didn't warn you.
375
00:20:49,801 --> 00:20:51,961
They get it by the cubit from Leather Lane.
376
00:20:53,481 --> 00:20:54,641
Thank you, Marten.
377
00:20:57,641 --> 00:20:58,721
Most grateful.
378
00:21:03,041 --> 00:21:03,961
Er...
379
00:21:06,721 --> 00:21:08,601
don't forget to remove the empty glass.
380
00:21:13,241 --> 00:21:15,401
His name's Marten, with an "e".
381
00:21:16,441 --> 00:21:18,121
To Marx, Karl and Groucho.
382
00:21:18,841 --> 00:21:20,441
What's in that concoction?
383
00:21:20,961 --> 00:21:22,001
Grasshopper.
384
00:21:22,561 --> 00:21:24,561
Créme de menthe and cream and...
385
00:21:24,721 --> 00:21:25,961
little bit of this and that.
386
00:21:26,041 --> 00:21:27,081
What, at this time of day?
387
00:21:27,401 --> 00:21:28,801
Have to feed the ulcer, petal.
388
00:21:28,881 --> 00:21:31,281
Oh, if the ulcer doesn't get you,
the heart attack will.
389
00:21:31,361 --> 00:21:32,241
Cheers.
390
00:21:34,001 --> 00:21:35,081
Book going well?
391
00:21:36,321 --> 00:21:37,401
Well enough, yes.
392
00:21:37,721 --> 00:21:38,721
How's Richie?
393
00:21:39,601 --> 00:21:41,481
Fine. How's Margaret?
394
00:21:41,681 --> 00:21:42,521
Getting worse.
395
00:21:42,601 --> 00:21:45,881
She had the locks changed on Monday,
I had to climb through the loo window.
396
00:21:45,961 --> 00:21:47,441
She's threatened to leave me.
397
00:21:47,521 --> 00:21:49,001
Well, she's been doing that for years.
398
00:21:49,081 --> 00:21:51,201
Have you any idea how humiliating it is
399
00:21:51,281 --> 00:21:53,521
to live with someone who's completely
indifferent to you?
400
00:21:54,521 --> 00:21:55,561
Yes.
401
00:21:55,921 --> 00:21:57,921
She gets these bloody incredible crazes.
402
00:21:58,001 --> 00:22:00,321
She dyed the kids' clothes yellow last month.
403
00:22:00,841 --> 00:22:03,401
Felt as if I was taking canaries to school
every morning.
404
00:22:03,481 --> 00:22:06,161
- (HE CHUCKLES)
- Now she's taken up colonic irrigation.
405
00:22:06,321 --> 00:22:09,161
She has these weird bits of rubber
everywhere like entrails.
406
00:22:09,481 --> 00:22:11,961
Shuts herself up in the bathroom
for hours on end
407
00:22:12,081 --> 00:22:13,401
gets all the towels wet.
408
00:22:13,521 --> 00:22:17,561
I always thought that colonic irrigation
had something to do with Greek agriculture.
409
00:22:18,041 --> 00:22:19,921
Anatomy was never a strong point of mine.
410
00:22:20,001 --> 00:22:22,681
I've never really had a satisfactory
explanation as to why the bathwater
411
00:22:22,761 --> 00:22:24,641
doesn't go up your bottom
when you sit in the bath.
412
00:22:24,721 --> 00:22:25,921
(HARRY LAUGHS)
413
00:22:26,481 --> 00:22:27,601
I'm gonna miss you.
414
00:22:28,121 --> 00:22:29,081
Why, where you going?
415
00:22:30,081 --> 00:22:31,321
Thought you were.
416
00:22:31,401 --> 00:22:32,681
Oh, I'm only going to Surrey.
417
00:22:32,761 --> 00:22:34,321
It's not the Outer Hebrides, Harry.
418
00:22:34,761 --> 00:22:35,921
Dropping out?
419
00:22:36,281 --> 00:22:38,601
No, just a bit tired of London.
420
00:22:39,361 --> 00:22:41,321
Sick of trees with their roots in concrete.
421
00:22:42,961 --> 00:22:44,041
And Richie?
422
00:22:45,201 --> 00:22:46,401
It was a joint decision.
423
00:22:49,161 --> 00:22:51,361
It's a very boring club, Harry.
424
00:22:52,761 --> 00:22:55,081
Well, I suppose the wallpaper
is a bit listless.
425
00:22:57,001 --> 00:22:58,081
Somewhere neutral?
426
00:22:58,921 --> 00:23:02,001
Something like that.
Too loud at my office, too poky at yours.
427
00:23:02,081 --> 00:23:03,081
Ah.
428
00:23:05,121 --> 00:23:06,721
What's it all about, Harry?
429
00:23:15,881 --> 00:23:16,841
More?
430
00:23:17,841 --> 00:23:19,761
By every post, flower.
431
00:23:20,481 --> 00:23:21,441
Oh.
432
00:23:23,361 --> 00:23:24,521
You don't like it, do you?
433
00:23:24,601 --> 00:23:27,241
Well, yes, I like it,
it's just that I think my nose is a...
434
00:23:27,321 --> 00:23:28,201
What?
435
00:23:28,681 --> 00:23:29,641
Well, a little...
436
00:23:30,161 --> 00:23:31,201
better than...
437
00:23:31,361 --> 00:23:32,281
- No?
- No.
438
00:23:32,361 --> 00:23:33,841
Hmm. Charming.
439
00:23:35,441 --> 00:23:36,401
(RICHIE SNIFFS)
440
00:23:41,401 --> 00:23:42,401
Hey)'-
441
00:23:44,761 --> 00:23:45,881
You bought a copy.
442
00:23:47,121 --> 00:23:49,001
- What is it?
- This month's Arbiter
443
00:23:50,401 --> 00:23:51,481
Oh, Gerald bought that.
444
00:23:51,561 --> 00:23:54,201
There's some gay article
he wants to read in it.
445
00:23:54,521 --> 00:23:55,561
It's Lewis's.
446
00:23:56,041 --> 00:23:56,881
What?
447
00:23:57,241 --> 00:23:58,961
The article. Lewis wrote it.
448
00:23:59,801 --> 00:24:00,761
Good Lord.
449
00:24:01,321 --> 00:24:02,801
Well, why didn't Gerald tell me?
450
00:24:02,881 --> 00:24:05,361
Well, he didn't know about it.
Lewis used another name.
451
00:24:06,521 --> 00:24:07,601
What's it about?
452
00:24:07,681 --> 00:24:09,681
Well, it's a sort of open letter
to homosexuals
453
00:24:09,761 --> 00:24:11,561
telling them that they're not really
all that special
454
00:24:11,641 --> 00:24:14,641
so why don't they stop moaning
about how badly they're being treated.
455
00:24:14,721 --> 00:24:15,561
(GUNNAR CHUCKLES)
456
00:24:15,641 --> 00:24:16,881
Gerald won't like that.
457
00:24:17,601 --> 00:24:20,481
- He's being very militant at the moment.
- Oh, dear.
458
00:24:21,401 --> 00:24:24,761
Lewis says that gays ought to climb down
from their martyr's pedestals
459
00:24:25,401 --> 00:24:28,681
and clean up their own backyards
before they start throwing dirt at the law.
460
00:24:28,761 --> 00:24:31,281
You know, importuning in public loos,
that sort of thing.
461
00:24:31,641 --> 00:24:32,921
Zippy Grimes?
462
00:24:33,521 --> 00:24:35,361
I don't know where he got that name from.
463
00:24:36,561 --> 00:24:38,481
"Some boys are pitiless flirts..."
464
00:24:39,361 --> 00:24:42,121
"...clutching their tubes of KY
like shields..."
465
00:24:42,201 --> 00:24:43,961
"...and yet still virgo intacta."
466
00:24:45,321 --> 00:24:46,921
"They promise pleasure to all..."
467
00:24:48,081 --> 00:24:50,681
"...without any thought of the despair
they can cause..."
468
00:24:50,761 --> 00:24:53,481
"...when it turns out
they're merely playing at courtship."
469
00:24:55,041 --> 00:24:56,321
And Lewis really wrote this?
470
00:24:56,401 --> 00:24:59,041
Don't tell Gerald, you see,
it's supposed to be a secret.
471
00:24:59,961 --> 00:25:00,961
Well, I must read it.
472
00:25:01,761 --> 00:25:02,721
Later.
473
00:25:07,321 --> 00:25:09,241
I think you should put on your jumper now.
474
00:25:10,881 --> 00:25:12,121
And go home to Lewis.
475
00:25:12,841 --> 00:25:14,321
Lewis is out.
476
00:25:15,401 --> 00:25:17,001
Lewis is always out.
477
00:25:17,521 --> 00:25:19,561
And when he's not out, he's in
478
00:25:19,961 --> 00:25:21,081
which is worse.
479
00:25:23,441 --> 00:25:24,561
I like Lewis.
480
00:25:25,361 --> 00:25:26,521
He's a good friend.
481
00:25:26,641 --> 00:25:27,841
Pangs of conscience.
482
00:25:30,721 --> 00:25:32,881
What a warm heart you have, Richie.
483
00:25:33,681 --> 00:25:34,961
Good company, though.
484
00:25:36,721 --> 00:25:37,721
No.
485
00:25:38,561 --> 00:25:40,481
- Not very good.
- (HE CHUCKLES)
486
00:25:43,121 --> 00:25:45,001
Another happily married man
487
00:25:45,721 --> 00:25:47,761
worried about his gay sex life.
488
00:25:48,681 --> 00:25:49,721
Quote.
489
00:25:50,281 --> 00:25:53,521
"If every man or woman
who'd enjoyed a homosexual relationship..."
490
00:25:53,601 --> 00:25:55,561
"...turned purple overnight..."
491
00:25:56,041 --> 00:25:57,961
"...there'd be a lot of embarrassed faces..."
492
00:25:58,041 --> 00:26:00,441
"...around the nation's breakfast tables,"
unquote.
493
00:26:01,481 --> 00:26:02,761
Zippy Grimes.
494
00:26:02,961 --> 00:26:04,001
Good stuff.
495
00:26:04,361 --> 00:26:05,521
And there are more.
496
00:26:06,081 --> 00:26:07,241
Quite a few more.
497
00:26:08,681 --> 00:26:10,041
Why all the drama, Harry?
498
00:26:10,161 --> 00:26:11,241
I mean, why all this?
499
00:26:11,321 --> 00:26:13,841
Why didn't you send them like the others?
I mean, they're no different.
500
00:26:13,921 --> 00:26:16,641
Oh, come on. You've never had a reaction
like this to one of your books.
501
00:26:16,721 --> 00:26:19,081
What, letters? Course I have. More.
502
00:26:19,401 --> 00:26:20,961
Oh, sure, ultimately.
503
00:26:21,241 --> 00:26:23,801
That would be over a period of months,
wouldn't it? Years, maybe.
504
00:26:23,881 --> 00:26:25,161
This is four days, Lewis.
505
00:26:26,041 --> 00:26:28,161
116 letters already
506
00:26:28,241 --> 00:26:30,281
and we only published the article
on Thursday.
507
00:26:30,361 --> 00:26:32,841
- Very flattering.
- Don't give me that bullshit.
508
00:26:33,561 --> 00:26:35,641
This is gold, and we want more.
509
00:26:36,921 --> 00:26:37,881
No.
510
00:26:38,801 --> 00:26:41,801
The loot's good, petal,
we'll go much higher on this one.
511
00:26:41,921 --> 00:26:43,121
Look, I've told you
512
00:26:43,721 --> 00:26:45,961
the Zippy Grimes thing was a one-off article.
513
00:26:46,041 --> 00:26:47,721
I didn't want to write it in the first place.
514
00:26:47,801 --> 00:26:49,601
Listen, we took a chance on this
and it paid off.
515
00:26:49,681 --> 00:26:51,761
- You took a chance?
- Oh, alright, split hairs!
516
00:26:51,841 --> 00:26:53,241
Arbiter magazine took a chance.
517
00:26:53,321 --> 00:26:56,161
We're not in the habit of publishing articles
about homosexuals!
518
00:26:56,961 --> 00:26:58,881
And I'm not in the habit of writing them.
519
00:26:59,361 --> 00:27:00,521
What about my reputation?
520
00:27:00,601 --> 00:27:02,441
You used a pseudonym.
521
00:27:03,281 --> 00:27:06,121
Who the hell's gonna know that Zippy Grimes,
practising poof
522
00:27:06,521 --> 00:27:08,961
is really famous butch novelist Lewis Duncan?
523
00:27:09,041 --> 00:27:11,161
Yeah, who also writes children's books
524
00:27:11,241 --> 00:27:12,801
and goes to schools
525
00:27:13,001 --> 00:27:15,001
and moralises on TV chat shows.
526
00:27:15,081 --> 00:27:17,561
If you've done it once without
any repercussions, why not again?
527
00:27:17,641 --> 00:27:19,521
These are repercussions. This, all this.
528
00:27:19,601 --> 00:27:21,001
Read them. Take them home.
529
00:27:21,481 --> 00:27:22,401
No.
530
00:27:22,521 --> 00:27:23,881
Listen, you cocky bastard.
531
00:27:23,961 --> 00:27:26,041
That article touched a receptive nerve.
532
00:27:26,881 --> 00:27:30,001
A follow-up can't go wrong,
on my mother's grave, Lewis!
533
00:27:30,081 --> 00:27:31,441
Your mother is still alive.
534
00:27:32,161 --> 00:27:33,281
(HE SIGHS)
535
00:27:34,201 --> 00:27:35,361
They need answering.
536
00:27:36,321 --> 00:27:39,281
L don't mean individually.
I mean collectively, in another article.
537
00:27:39,361 --> 00:27:41,281
They're begging for help, goddammit.
538
00:27:41,921 --> 00:27:44,321
They need a spokesman,
they need someone like you
539
00:27:44,401 --> 00:27:47,081
someone like Zippy Grimes
to speak out for them.
540
00:27:47,641 --> 00:27:50,361
Our communication
obviously seems to be fraying.
541
00:27:50,481 --> 00:27:53,521
I'm not going to write any more Zippy
Grimes articles, right?
542
00:27:53,641 --> 00:27:55,841
I can't make it plainer than that.
543
00:27:55,921 --> 00:27:57,081
It's not on, Harry.
544
00:28:00,721 --> 00:28:03,241
Look, Lewis, why not just
meet some of these people?
545
00:28:03,361 --> 00:28:04,761
Oh! Are you out of your mind?
546
00:28:04,841 --> 00:28:06,801
Have you any idea how nutty
some of these characters...
547
00:28:06,881 --> 00:28:08,001
So be selective.
548
00:28:08,121 --> 00:28:11,121
Pick the ones that seem genuine,
talk to them, let them talk to you.
549
00:28:11,201 --> 00:28:13,681
Send me the bill.
There's a dozen articles in this lot.
550
00:28:13,761 --> 00:28:15,441
Look, I'm a novelist,
I'm not a journalist.
551
00:28:16,121 --> 00:28:19,081
This is a bloody sight better
than any of your books, flower.
552
00:28:19,281 --> 00:28:20,281
(HE SIGHS)
553
00:28:20,441 --> 00:28:23,441
Having a drink with you, Harry,
is certainly not a fringe benefit.
554
00:28:25,121 --> 00:28:27,081
Well, back to the humdrum.
555
00:28:27,161 --> 00:28:28,321
Do you know what I think?
556
00:28:28,601 --> 00:28:31,281
L think those articles
have really shaken you up, Lewis.
557
00:28:31,681 --> 00:28:33,201
I think you've too much compassion
558
00:28:33,281 --> 00:28:35,641
just to turn your back on these people
and walk away.
559
00:28:35,721 --> 00:28:36,801
You know your trouble?
560
00:28:36,921 --> 00:28:38,081
You think too much.
561
00:28:38,641 --> 00:28:39,641
See you, flower.
562
00:28:39,881 --> 00:28:43,601
Don't you ever get sick of spending your days
doing exactly what's expected of you?
563
00:28:44,121 --> 00:28:45,081
Yes, I do.
564
00:28:45,761 --> 00:28:46,721
Don't you?
565
00:28:49,721 --> 00:28:51,481
Come out of the closet, Lewis.
566
00:28:53,281 --> 00:28:54,681
Oh, good. No damp.
567
00:28:55,601 --> 00:28:58,201
Another winter and they'd have needed
a diver to fix it.
568
00:28:59,601 --> 00:29:01,441
This should get the little buggers.
569
00:29:03,161 --> 00:29:04,761
(HE MAKES KISSING NOISE)
570
00:29:04,841 --> 00:29:05,921
There we are...
571
00:29:06,161 --> 00:29:07,321
Come and get it.
572
00:29:08,721 --> 00:29:12,561
Wouldn't believe it possible, would you?
I mean, what do they actually find to eat?
573
00:29:12,641 --> 00:29:14,681
- Wood, probably.
- Mice don't eat wood.
574
00:29:15,041 --> 00:29:17,841
How do you think they make their holes?
With a Black and Decker?
575
00:29:17,921 --> 00:29:19,401
(RICHIE CHUCKLES)
Well...
576
00:29:19,561 --> 00:29:22,161
they may gnaw it,
but they don't eat it, surely.
577
00:29:30,641 --> 00:29:31,601
Ooh.
578
00:29:31,761 --> 00:29:32,881
- Oh.
- Oh, yeah.
579
00:29:35,281 --> 00:29:37,361
- (BIRDS SING)
- Well, well...
580
00:29:41,841 --> 00:29:43,161
Any of the garden ours?
581
00:29:43,321 --> 00:29:44,321
Yes.
582
00:29:45,001 --> 00:29:47,961
From there, right the way through
to the corner of the wall here.
583
00:29:48,041 --> 00:29:49,001
Oh, that's good.
584
00:29:49,641 --> 00:29:50,721
Yeah, it's beautiful.
585
00:29:51,241 --> 00:29:53,041
Better than Belsize Park, anyway.
586
00:29:54,041 --> 00:29:56,921
You couldn't plant anything
in that nasty little concrete patch.
587
00:29:57,001 --> 00:29:57,921
Mm.
588
00:30:00,281 --> 00:30:01,881
Do you think you'll enjoy it here?
589
00:30:02,481 --> 00:30:03,561
I don't see why not.
590
00:30:12,161 --> 00:30:13,601
Look, they've put the phone in.
591
00:30:13,841 --> 00:30:14,841
Oh, good.
592
00:30:15,561 --> 00:30:17,041
Better make a note of the number.
593
00:30:18,401 --> 00:30:20,121
For our use only, alright?
594
00:30:20,761 --> 00:30:22,601
- What?
- Keep it between ourselves.
595
00:30:22,681 --> 00:30:24,201
For the moment. OK?
596
00:30:26,481 --> 00:30:27,681
It's your flat.
597
00:30:57,961 --> 00:30:58,881
Thank you.
598
00:30:59,161 --> 00:31:00,121
Ah.
599
00:31:00,281 --> 00:31:01,601
A crack in the ice.
600
00:31:01,761 --> 00:31:02,881
How very jolly.
601
00:31:03,081 --> 00:31:06,161
I thought we might have to spend
the entire evening in total silence.
602
00:31:06,281 --> 00:31:07,201
Funny.
603
00:31:07,361 --> 00:31:10,681
L distinctly recall having a few words
when I came back from the theatre.
604
00:31:11,961 --> 00:31:13,081
How was the opera?
605
00:31:13,241 --> 00:31:14,441
Uncomfortable.
606
00:31:14,561 --> 00:31:16,881
If I'd sat any higher,
I might've had a nosebleed.
607
00:31:17,761 --> 00:31:18,681
And the tenor?
608
00:31:19,121 --> 00:31:20,801
She looked divine in tights.
609
00:31:20,881 --> 00:31:24,521
Pathetic voice, but the size of her
sexual organs might get her to La Scala.
610
00:31:24,961 --> 00:31:26,001
Organs?
611
00:31:26,161 --> 00:31:27,441
He had more than one?
612
00:31:28,201 --> 00:31:29,601
That's a no-no, Gunnar, dear.
613
00:31:29,721 --> 00:31:31,601
Leave the funnies to your Auntie Gerald.
614
00:31:32,881 --> 00:31:35,001
All of this because I asked Richie to dinner?
615
00:31:35,521 --> 00:31:36,641
- Richie?
- Mm.
616
00:31:36,721 --> 00:31:39,881
Good heavens, Gunnar, what do I care
for that pretty little predator?
617
00:31:39,961 --> 00:31:42,161
Richie Lloyd's just a sign of the times, dear
618
00:31:42,321 --> 00:31:44,681
a striking example of spiritual decadence.
619
00:31:44,761 --> 00:31:46,241
It's Lewis I can't abide!
620
00:31:46,321 --> 00:31:49,521
Every time that man comes near me,
I develop a psychosomatic twitch.
621
00:31:49,641 --> 00:31:51,001
He's so dull.
622
00:31:51,081 --> 00:31:52,321
Don't underestimate Lewis.
623
00:31:52,401 --> 00:31:55,361
Wouldn't dream of it, darling,
I'm sure he's far duller than even I imagine.
624
00:31:55,441 --> 00:31:56,561
He's a very clever writer.
625
00:31:56,841 --> 00:31:58,521
Dull. Dull, dull!
626
00:31:59,961 --> 00:32:03,601
I mean, Lewis is the sort of man
who looks both ways before crossing his legs.
627
00:32:05,761 --> 00:32:08,641
Please, at least try to be civil on Friday.
628
00:32:08,761 --> 00:32:10,121
Oh, I shall. I shall.
629
00:32:10,241 --> 00:32:12,201
Even if it gives me main-course nausea.
630
00:32:12,521 --> 00:32:15,121
Did you arrive in my life, Gerald,
simply to foul it up?
631
00:32:15,401 --> 00:32:16,441
Oh, dear.
632
00:32:16,561 --> 00:32:19,241
Home truths? It'll end in tears.
633
00:32:20,521 --> 00:32:21,801
You know I think you're mad?
634
00:32:22,041 --> 00:32:24,801
A suspicion reinforced
by my taste in men, ducky.
635
00:32:25,441 --> 00:32:27,201
I feel sorry for you, Gerald.
636
00:32:28,121 --> 00:32:29,121
Mm.
637
00:32:29,521 --> 00:32:31,401
One day, you won't even have enemies left.
638
00:32:44,001 --> 00:32:45,841
Careful, you'll break something.
639
00:32:48,121 --> 00:32:50,561
LEWIS (V0): The forbidden fruit'
this city has to offer
640
00:32:50,761 --> 00:32:53,441
is almost always tasteless or overripe
641
00:32:53,561 --> 00:32:54,681
or poisonous.
642
00:32:56,121 --> 00:32:58,561
l suppose sex can be a career,
llke any other.
643
00:32:59,401 --> 00:33:01,561
But most male whores have no heart!
644
00:33:01,801 --> 00:33:05,201
and that's never more evident than when
they try to pretend that they have.
645
00:33:06,801 --> 00:33:08,841
Some of them are full of anger
646
00:33:09,441 --> 00:33:10,521
and hatred
647
00:33:10,921 --> 00:33:13,241
which often gets dismissed
as bloody-mindedness.
648
00:33:13,921 --> 00:33:15,681
Those are the dangerous ones.
649
00:33:17,201 --> 00:33:19,121
There are exceptions, of course.
650
00:33:19,921 --> 00:33:21,961
(CHILDREN PLAY IN DISTANCE)
651
00:33:25,041 --> 00:33:26,121
Enjoy it?
652
00:33:27,241 --> 00:33:28,401
Yes, I did.
653
00:33:32,321 --> 00:33:33,641
You don't have to go yet.
654
00:33:33,961 --> 00:33:35,201
I wasn't going to.
655
00:33:36,241 --> 00:33:37,521
I haven't finished yet.
656
00:33:38,281 --> 00:33:39,641
Could've fooled me.
657
00:33:39,881 --> 00:33:40,921
It'll cost ya.
658
00:33:41,001 --> 00:33:42,201
What, for conversation?
659
00:33:42,561 --> 00:33:43,841
Oh, you're one of those.
660
00:33:44,801 --> 00:33:46,161
You know, I've worked it out.
661
00:33:46,281 --> 00:33:48,681
In a week, working five hours a day
662
00:33:49,601 --> 00:33:52,161
you can earn upwards of £500 a week.
663
00:33:52,281 --> 00:33:53,761
That's excluding Sundays.
664
00:33:54,281 --> 00:33:56,201
Sometimes less, sometimes more.
665
00:33:56,721 --> 00:33:59,001
There's overheads, see.
Laundry, that sort of thing.
666
00:33:59,241 --> 00:34:01,721
- And I charge extra for dressing up.
- Dressing up?
667
00:34:01,961 --> 00:34:03,801
Oh, you mean boots and things?
668
00:34:03,961 --> 00:34:06,361
Well, boots, breeches, sailor-boy drag
669
00:34:06,441 --> 00:34:08,441
guardsmen, cops, knickers, the lot.
670
00:34:08,721 --> 00:34:10,801
Gotta pay for the clobber. Comes expensive.
671
00:34:10,881 --> 00:34:11,961
I can imagine.
672
00:34:12,641 --> 00:34:15,721
Some of them just wanna talk,
so I charge less for that.
673
00:34:16,161 --> 00:34:19,481
I mean, twenty quid
to get into bed and yak's a bit steep.
674
00:34:20,081 --> 00:34:21,681
Still, no skin off my nose.
675
00:34:21,881 --> 00:34:23,041
Do you have regulars?
676
00:34:23,841 --> 00:34:25,001
Yeah, sure.
677
00:34:25,401 --> 00:34:27,201
Black Polo's a good lay.
678
00:34:27,481 --> 00:34:30,441
Clean sheets, no clap,
get your rocks off in style.
679
00:34:30,641 --> 00:34:32,161
Why do you call yourself Polo?
680
00:34:33,441 --> 00:34:35,921
IN AMERICAN ACCENT:
Cos I'm cool and sweet, man.
681
00:34:36,081 --> 00:34:38,041
- With a hole in the middle.
- (THEY CHUCKLE)
682
00:34:38,201 --> 00:34:39,241
Right.
683
00:34:39,601 --> 00:34:43,281
Even so, £500 a week without tax, phew.
684
00:34:44,281 --> 00:34:45,921
I'm really in the wrong profession.
685
00:34:47,201 --> 00:34:48,681
I earn it, mister.
686
00:34:49,481 --> 00:34:52,081
You wouldn't believe some of the tricks
that come in here.
687
00:34:52,241 --> 00:34:54,081
42 guys I went with, last week.
688
00:34:54,161 --> 00:34:55,641
- What?
- Yeah, 42.
689
00:34:56,321 --> 00:34:57,801
And all of 'em dogs.
690
00:34:58,081 --> 00:34:59,001
All of them.
691
00:35:00,281 --> 00:35:01,281
You see that?
692
00:35:02,161 --> 00:35:03,321
Yeah, I felt it.
693
00:35:03,601 --> 00:35:04,921
Two years ago, that happened.
694
00:35:05,441 --> 00:35:08,281
Nice guy, picks me up,
gets me back to his place
695
00:35:08,561 --> 00:35:10,921
takes his time with the ups and downs
696
00:35:11,241 --> 00:35:13,601
then tells me he's got a social disease.
697
00:35:14,041 --> 00:35:16,201
Pulls a knife out, doesn't he,
when I get shirty.
698
00:35:16,281 --> 00:35:17,241
What happens?
699
00:35:17,401 --> 00:35:20,801
I wake up bleeding to death
on a rubbish tip in Hounslow.
700
00:35:22,241 --> 00:35:23,521
I earn my money.
701
00:35:25,001 --> 00:35:26,001
Did they get him?
702
00:35:26,921 --> 00:35:29,001
- Did they what?
- The police.
703
00:35:29,081 --> 00:35:30,481
Did they get the man?
704
00:35:30,561 --> 00:35:32,961
Ah, shit, man.
He was a policeman.
705
00:35:35,681 --> 00:35:36,761
Wanna drink?
706
00:35:36,921 --> 00:35:37,881
No.
707
00:35:40,761 --> 00:35:42,401
How do you know I'm not a cop?
708
00:35:43,681 --> 00:35:44,801
Wrong smell.
709
00:35:45,281 --> 00:35:46,321
(LEWIS CHUCKLES)
710
00:35:46,481 --> 00:35:47,521
Are you?
711
00:35:49,001 --> 00:35:50,001
No.
712
00:35:51,641 --> 00:35:52,961
I'm Zippy Grimes.
713
00:35:53,641 --> 00:35:54,921
- What?
- Mm.
714
00:35:55,081 --> 00:35:57,081
Hey, man! Why didn't you tell me?
715
00:35:57,161 --> 00:35:59,241
Well, I wanted to get my money's worth first.
716
00:35:59,321 --> 00:36:00,281
(HE LAUGHS)
717
00:36:00,361 --> 00:36:01,601
Hey, that's great!
718
00:36:02,201 --> 00:36:03,441
So you got my letter?
719
00:36:03,561 --> 00:36:05,961
Yeah, you weren't very complimentary
about my article.
720
00:36:06,041 --> 00:36:08,721
Yeah, well, only the bits about guys like me.
721
00:36:08,801 --> 00:36:10,481
Where you get all that shit from?
722
00:36:10,841 --> 00:36:12,481
- You just make it up?
- Mm.
723
00:36:13,881 --> 00:36:15,601
Do I act like I got no heart?
724
00:36:17,001 --> 00:36:18,121
Do I?
725
00:36:20,041 --> 00:36:21,681
Tell you what, Zippy, baby.
726
00:36:25,161 --> 00:36:28,321
Just to show you this is one whore
with a heart of gold...
727
00:36:30,441 --> 00:36:32,241
have one on the house, huh?
728
00:36:36,441 --> 00:36:38,361
You'd be a lot nicer to work with, Plasche
729
00:36:38,441 --> 00:36:40,361
if your manner was a little less furtive.
730
00:36:41,761 --> 00:36:43,241
It's ten to five.
731
00:36:43,361 --> 00:36:45,241
If I don't go now, I shall miss my train.
732
00:36:45,321 --> 00:36:46,321
Well, go.
733
00:36:47,081 --> 00:36:49,521
Well, these arrived this afternoon
from Harry Essendorf.
734
00:36:49,601 --> 00:36:50,681
Well, leave them!
735
00:36:50,841 --> 00:36:52,521
Well, I don't know what to do with them.
736
00:36:52,641 --> 00:36:55,041
Leave them,
and I will look at them later at home.
737
00:36:57,921 --> 00:36:59,401
Place is a pigsty.
738
00:37:04,521 --> 00:37:06,081
I thought you had a train to catch?
739
00:37:06,161 --> 00:37:07,241
I've missed it.
740
00:37:10,841 --> 00:37:11,881
Plasche?
741
00:37:14,041 --> 00:37:15,601
Who's your favourite film star?
742
00:37:16,281 --> 00:37:17,481
Male or female?
743
00:37:17,961 --> 00:37:18,921
Male.
744
00:37:19,521 --> 00:37:21,521
- Alive or dead?
- If you're gonna be difficult...
745
00:37:21,601 --> 00:37:22,561
Oh, alright.
746
00:37:22,921 --> 00:37:24,921
- Sean Connery.
- Ah. Thank you.
747
00:37:25,641 --> 00:37:28,281
You fancy him? I mean,
do you want to go to bed with him?
748
00:37:29,241 --> 00:37:30,241
Yeah.
749
00:37:30,641 --> 00:37:31,641
Ah.
750
00:37:31,721 --> 00:37:34,001
I've seen Goldfinger"three times.
751
00:37:34,401 --> 00:37:36,281
And if 007's on the television
752
00:37:36,481 --> 00:37:38,521
I won't even answer the telephone.
753
00:37:39,161 --> 00:37:42,481
Would it alter your opinion of his films
if I told you that he was queer?
754
00:37:43,001 --> 00:37:45,321
- He's not?
- No, of course he isn't.
755
00:37:45,561 --> 00:37:47,521
But supposing I was to tell you that he was
756
00:37:47,601 --> 00:37:50,521
and that I had it on really good authority
that he was gay?
757
00:37:51,441 --> 00:37:53,081
What would you think of it then, eh?
758
00:37:53,401 --> 00:37:55,721
Well, wouldn't stop me liking his films.
759
00:37:55,801 --> 00:37:56,641
Mm...
760
00:37:56,721 --> 00:37:58,881
I mean, what does it all matter nowadays,
anyway?
761
00:37:59,801 --> 00:38:02,841
L was thinking of all those little old women
who ask librarians
762
00:38:02,921 --> 00:38:05,161
for the latest Lewis Duncan thriller.
763
00:38:06,681 --> 00:38:07,841
Oh, I get it.
764
00:38:07,921 --> 00:38:09,961
You mean, if they found out you were queer
765
00:38:10,081 --> 00:38:12,161
would they still enjoy your novels?
766
00:38:12,401 --> 00:38:14,441
Well, it does alter things a bit, doesn't it?
767
00:38:14,521 --> 00:38:16,121
When the author of those love scenes
768
00:38:16,201 --> 00:38:18,441
has never been to bed
with a woman in his life.
769
00:38:19,441 --> 00:38:21,601
Hm. It's all academic, isn't it?
770
00:38:21,841 --> 00:38:24,281
I mean, you're on your seventh
breathtaking masterpiece
771
00:38:24,361 --> 00:38:26,281
and nobody's found out about you yet.
772
00:38:28,401 --> 00:38:30,241
I saw a kid this afternoon, you know.
773
00:38:30,921 --> 00:38:33,161
One of the blokes
who wrote one of these letters.
774
00:38:33,281 --> 00:38:34,961
Well, that's alright.
775
00:38:35,481 --> 00:38:37,281
To him, you're Zippy Grimes.
776
00:38:37,681 --> 00:38:39,681
Yeah, but supposing he'd recognised me?
777
00:38:39,921 --> 00:38:40,841
How?
778
00:38:40,961 --> 00:38:42,601
Well, I've been on TV, haven't I?
779
00:38:42,721 --> 00:38:44,921
Twice! In the last 18 months.
780
00:38:45,001 --> 00:38:46,721
Yes, but he might have recognised me.
781
00:38:46,801 --> 00:38:49,321
Oh, who's gonna remember you from that?
782
00:38:49,681 --> 00:38:51,121
What does it matter anyway?
783
00:38:51,201 --> 00:38:52,321
It matters to me.
784
00:38:52,641 --> 00:38:54,681
I want my private life to remain private.
785
00:38:56,841 --> 00:38:58,921
Writers are supposed to be peculiar.
786
00:39:00,441 --> 00:39:03,121
You don't suffer from reticence, do you,
Plasche?
787
00:39:03,361 --> 00:39:05,121
Makes you very difficult to work with.
788
00:39:05,401 --> 00:39:08,401
- Well, you asked for my opinion.
- Yeah, well, I've got it now.
789
00:39:08,481 --> 00:39:10,761
Now you can fly off home on your broomstick,
go on.
790
00:39:10,841 --> 00:39:13,281
I don't have to stay here day after day
to be insulted!
791
00:39:13,361 --> 00:39:15,281
Yeah, you stay here year after year, d...
792
00:39:15,361 --> 00:39:16,601
Don't you? You love it.
793
00:39:16,681 --> 00:39:18,921
(HE CHUCKLES)
Appeals to your masochistic nature.
794
00:39:20,241 --> 00:39:22,761
You're too arrogant for your own good,
Lewis Duncan.
795
00:39:22,841 --> 00:39:26,281
That's what's the matter with your novels.
It's got nothing to do with you being queer.
796
00:39:26,361 --> 00:39:27,921
What are you talking about, woman?
797
00:39:28,241 --> 00:39:30,961
Honestly, sometimes I think
you weren't born at all.
798
00:39:31,081 --> 00:39:33,121
You were knitted in some Women's Institute.
799
00:39:35,041 --> 00:39:36,241
(SHE CHUCKLES)
800
00:39:36,321 --> 00:39:37,441
That was wicked.
801
00:39:38,201 --> 00:39:39,681
(THEY LAUGH)
802
00:39:40,041 --> 00:39:42,121
- Wicked!
- (DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS)
803
00:39:49,161 --> 00:39:52,641
LEWIS (V0): Middle-class parents
seldom fall to allow sexual deviation
804
00:39:52,721 --> 00:39:55,201
to shatter the fearful rigidity
of their lives.
805
00:39:56,321 --> 00:39:58,121
"Where did we go wrong?" they murmur
806
00:39:58,441 --> 00:39:59,961
voices hushed with martyrdom.
807
00:40:01,401 --> 00:40:03,081
"How can we face our friends?"
808
00:40:04,241 --> 00:40:06,321
WOMAN IN DISTANCE:
Thank you so much. Goodbye.
809
00:40:07,841 --> 00:40:08,801
WOMAN:
Oh...
810
00:40:09,161 --> 00:40:11,521
Telephones, Mr Grimes.
Do you like telephones?
811
00:40:11,641 --> 00:40:13,441
I can't abide the things, myself.
812
00:40:15,881 --> 00:40:17,801
I thought we might talk out here
813
00:40:17,881 --> 00:40:19,481
away from the wretched machine.
814
00:40:20,641 --> 00:40:21,641
Good idea.
815
00:40:22,561 --> 00:40:24,441
I just can't ignore the noise, I'm afraid.
816
00:40:24,521 --> 00:40:26,361
If I hear it ringing,
I have to answer it.
817
00:40:27,001 --> 00:40:28,121
I'm the same.
818
00:40:28,961 --> 00:40:31,041
We might even have our tea out here later.
819
00:40:31,921 --> 00:40:32,961
Lovely.
820
00:40:36,201 --> 00:40:38,601
Do you like women, Mr Grimes?
821
00:40:40,001 --> 00:40:41,201
Yes, yes.
822
00:40:41,521 --> 00:40:42,681
My mother was a woman.
823
00:40:43,801 --> 00:40:44,881
I meant socially.
824
00:40:44,961 --> 00:40:47,201
I'm talking about women in general,
you understand
825
00:40:47,281 --> 00:40:48,201
not just lesbians.
826
00:40:48,921 --> 00:40:50,361
Yes, yes, well... Uh...
827
00:40:50,441 --> 00:40:51,681
I like women.
828
00:40:52,201 --> 00:40:53,721
Not all of them, of course.
829
00:40:53,801 --> 00:40:54,841
Not unreservedly.
830
00:40:55,201 --> 00:40:57,521
- That would be too much to expect.
- Yes.
831
00:40:57,961 --> 00:40:59,241
I also like dogs.
832
00:40:59,441 --> 00:41:01,161
And children too, sometimes.
833
00:41:03,961 --> 00:41:05,241
Now you're actually here
834
00:41:05,321 --> 00:41:07,601
I confess I find myself rather embarrassed,
I...
835
00:41:08,481 --> 00:41:10,241
It was much easier to write the letter.
836
00:41:11,441 --> 00:41:14,161
You said that you were worried
about your son Jamie.
837
00:41:16,201 --> 00:41:18,041
I don't really see how you can help.
838
00:41:18,881 --> 00:41:21,681
Well, this may sound trite, Mrs Cooper
839
00:41:21,761 --> 00:41:25,441
but sometimes it does help, you know,
to talk to a disinterested party.
840
00:41:25,761 --> 00:41:29,041
When I say disinterested, of course,
I don't exactly mean disinterested...
841
00:41:29,121 --> 00:41:30,761
- What I mean is...
- A week...
842
00:41:30,841 --> 00:41:33,441
before I picked up that magazine
and read your article
843
00:41:34,041 --> 00:41:35,401
Jamie came to see me.
844
00:41:36,441 --> 00:41:38,201
He doesn't live at home now, and...
845
00:41:38,601 --> 00:41:41,561
quite calmly announced
that he was a homosexual and...
846
00:41:41,921 --> 00:41:44,921
he thought I ought to know in case
I should find out some other way.
847
00:41:45,001 --> 00:41:46,001
Good for him.
848
00:41:46,161 --> 00:41:48,401
I still haven't had the courage
to tell my parents.
849
00:41:49,441 --> 00:41:51,281
I was glad his father was dead.
850
00:41:51,561 --> 00:41:53,321
He would've been deeply ashamed.
851
00:41:54,081 --> 00:41:55,281
Were you, Mrs Cooper?
852
00:41:56,721 --> 00:41:57,721
A little.
853
00:41:59,001 --> 00:42:00,401
And I was unhappy for my son.
854
00:42:00,481 --> 00:42:02,721
No one should have to travel
through life alone.
855
00:42:04,041 --> 00:42:06,001
Mrs Cooper, when one is gay
856
00:42:06,441 --> 00:42:07,601
homosexual
857
00:42:07,881 --> 00:42:11,121
it doesn't necessarily mean
that you have to be lonely.
858
00:42:12,281 --> 00:42:13,481
I mean, there must be, what
859
00:42:13,681 --> 00:42:16,161
something like four million homosexuals
in this country.
860
00:42:16,281 --> 00:42:19,201
Nobody's going to tell me
that they're all miserable and unhappy.
861
00:42:21,041 --> 00:42:24,001
Can you accept the fact that your son Jamie
862
00:42:24,241 --> 00:42:26,761
prefers going to bed with men
rather than women
863
00:42:27,321 --> 00:42:29,441
and stop making him feel guilty about it?
864
00:42:29,521 --> 00:42:30,681
Oh, he doesn't.
865
00:42:31,041 --> 00:42:32,681
I'm the one that feels guilty.
866
00:42:33,601 --> 00:42:37,201
You see, I...
I've always despised homosexuals.
867
00:42:38,561 --> 00:42:42,161
Well, tolerance isn't a quality
that all of us possess.
868
00:42:42,721 --> 00:42:46,641
And then I read your article and it seemed
so... sensible and compassionate.
869
00:42:47,081 --> 00:42:48,521
I felt I had to write.
870
00:42:49,601 --> 00:42:52,561
It seemed almost preordained
that I should see the magazine
871
00:42:52,681 --> 00:42:54,121
after Jamie's confession.
872
00:42:55,401 --> 00:42:58,201
Your letter told me quite a lot about you,
Mrs Cooper
873
00:42:58,481 --> 00:43:00,121
but very little about Jamie.
874
00:43:01,481 --> 00:43:03,401
Are you a religious man, Mr Grimes?
875
00:43:04,921 --> 00:43:06,081
No.
876
00:43:06,321 --> 00:43:07,321
Oh.
877
00:43:07,601 --> 00:43:08,761
You don't go to church?
878
00:43:09,961 --> 00:43:11,601
Weddings and funerals.
879
00:43:12,641 --> 00:43:14,721
It's the first time I started
feeling middle-aged, actually
880
00:43:14,801 --> 00:43:17,881
when I realised I was going to more
funerals than weddings.
881
00:43:18,481 --> 00:43:21,401
Doesn't the Church say that it is sinful
to be a homosexual?
882
00:43:22,921 --> 00:43:26,201
I think the Church says that it's a sin
to behave like one.
883
00:43:26,961 --> 00:43:29,961
They prefer homosexuals to stay abstinent.
884
00:43:30,961 --> 00:43:34,281
The trouble is, of course,
that if a man damps down his sexual drive
885
00:43:35,041 --> 00:43:36,761
and remains abstinent
886
00:43:37,321 --> 00:43:39,801
sooner or later,
he's going to get screwed up
887
00:43:39,921 --> 00:43:41,281
and something's going to snap.
888
00:43:41,641 --> 00:43:43,761
And it's then, willing or unwilling
889
00:43:44,241 --> 00:43:46,681
that he starts drifting about
in public places
890
00:43:46,761 --> 00:43:49,521
looking for someone like himself
to have sex with.
891
00:43:51,041 --> 00:43:53,241
The Church doesn't go
a bundle on that, either.
892
00:43:54,081 --> 00:43:55,081
I know.
893
00:43:56,121 --> 00:43:57,161
You see...
894
00:43:58,441 --> 00:43:59,801
Jamie is a priest.
895
00:44:00,881 --> 00:44:03,721
- No, Harry.
- Will you just think about it?
896
00:44:03,921 --> 00:44:05,001
No need.
897
00:44:05,441 --> 00:44:09,281
I'm a very persistent man, Lewis.
I usually get what I want in the end.
898
00:44:09,361 --> 00:44:10,721
You sound like an undertaker.
899
00:44:10,841 --> 00:44:12,161
What the hell's the matter with you?
900
00:44:12,241 --> 00:44:13,721
You go on playing so hard to get
901
00:44:13,841 --> 00:44:16,161
you're likely to become extinct
in your own lifetime.
902
00:44:16,241 --> 00:44:18,801
Look, Harry, you and I
have been friends for a long time
903
00:44:18,881 --> 00:44:21,681
and if we're not careful,
we're gonna fall out rather badly over this
904
00:44:21,761 --> 00:44:23,281
and I don't want that to happen.
905
00:44:24,561 --> 00:44:26,481
You'll always be close to my heart, petal.
906
00:44:26,601 --> 00:44:29,721
Oh, Harry. Look, I've already seen
three people, for God's sake.
907
00:44:29,801 --> 00:44:31,681
- Three, out of all that lot? Jesus!
- Yeah.
908
00:44:31,961 --> 00:44:33,521
Look, an MP
909
00:44:33,761 --> 00:44:36,401
a black male whore who earns
three times as much as I do
910
00:44:36,521 --> 00:44:37,961
and a parody of Lady Macbeth
911
00:44:38,041 --> 00:44:39,921
who's taking her son on a pilgrimage
to Lourdes
912
00:44:40,001 --> 00:44:41,481
to cure him of his homosexuality.
913
00:44:41,561 --> 00:44:43,561
I don't want to write articles about that,
Harry.
914
00:44:43,641 --> 00:44:45,521
I'm sorry, I want to concentrate on my novel.
915
00:44:47,881 --> 00:44:49,321
You disappoint me, Lewis.
916
00:44:49,921 --> 00:44:51,681
Oh... sorry.
917
00:44:52,681 --> 00:44:54,361
That's all? "Sorry"?
918
00:44:54,481 --> 00:44:57,881
Look, I've had more than enough
of Zippy Grimes, right?
919
00:44:58,001 --> 00:45:00,201
Somebody just turned up at my office
the other day
920
00:45:00,281 --> 00:45:02,161
frightened Plasche half to death.
It's not on, Harry!
921
00:45:04,041 --> 00:45:05,801
Alright, alright, alright.
922
00:45:06,561 --> 00:45:09,481
Run away to your menopausal dump in Suffolk.
923
00:45:09,681 --> 00:45:10,641
Surrey.
924
00:45:10,721 --> 00:45:12,361
Bury yourself, for all I care.
925
00:45:13,081 --> 00:45:14,881
Is that what I'm doing, running away?
926
00:45:14,961 --> 00:45:16,041
Well, aren't you?
927
00:45:16,161 --> 00:45:17,481
Thought I was strolling away.
928
00:45:17,561 --> 00:45:18,601
You know what I think?
929
00:45:18,681 --> 00:45:20,521
I think it's very sad, petal.
930
00:45:21,401 --> 00:45:22,921
You really are angry, aren't you?
931
00:45:23,521 --> 00:45:26,881
It would give me the greatest of pleasure
to put a little piece in our next issue
932
00:45:26,961 --> 00:45:29,921
telling our readers
exactly who Zippy Grimes is.
933
00:45:31,001 --> 00:45:32,161
I hope you don't, Harry.
934
00:45:32,401 --> 00:45:33,801
Gutless arsehole.
935
00:45:41,521 --> 00:45:43,121
- (DISTANT CLATTER)
- (LEWIS MUTTERS)
936
00:45:47,081 --> 00:45:48,361
Where've you been?
937
00:45:48,441 --> 00:45:50,361
SLURRED:
Why haven't you gone home, Plasche?
938
00:45:50,441 --> 00:45:51,441
I missed my train.
939
00:45:53,441 --> 00:45:54,841
You smell like a wine cellar.
940
00:45:54,921 --> 00:45:56,721
Oh, do be quiet. There's a good chap.
941
00:45:59,241 --> 00:46:00,401
You're drunk.
942
00:46:00,681 --> 00:46:01,841
Campari.
943
00:46:03,241 --> 00:46:05,401
Somebody hit you over the head
with the bottle?
944
00:46:05,521 --> 00:46:07,441
Oh, very drole. Very drole.
945
00:46:08,201 --> 00:46:09,081
Good God.
946
00:46:09,641 --> 00:46:10,921
You've got a dress on.
947
00:46:11,601 --> 00:46:13,561
For a writer, you're remarkably observant.
948
00:46:13,721 --> 00:46:16,801
They say alcohol improves one's perception.
949
00:46:19,041 --> 00:46:20,761
I've never seen you in a dress before.
950
00:46:20,841 --> 00:46:22,641
So, have I committed a crime?
951
00:46:22,721 --> 00:46:24,001
Well, it looks unreal!
952
00:46:24,121 --> 00:46:25,441
Not to me, it doesn't.
953
00:46:25,721 --> 00:46:27,601
Well... where'd you get it?
954
00:46:28,521 --> 00:46:29,601
Jumble sale?
955
00:46:29,721 --> 00:46:30,881
(HE GIGGLES)
956
00:46:31,001 --> 00:46:32,721
- Howard bought it.
- Oh.
957
00:46:32,801 --> 00:46:33,681
Howard?
958
00:46:33,881 --> 00:46:36,041
- The praying mantis.
- Oh!
959
00:46:36,561 --> 00:46:37,561
Yes.
960
00:46:37,961 --> 00:46:39,721
Prince Charming of Watford Junction.
961
00:46:41,001 --> 00:46:42,601
He gave it to me.
962
00:46:43,001 --> 00:46:44,241
Yeah, not a surprise.
963
00:46:44,601 --> 00:46:47,201
Wouldn't suit him either,
I wouldn't think. Hm.
964
00:46:47,601 --> 00:46:49,001
As a present.
965
00:46:50,041 --> 00:46:51,401
A birthday present.
966
00:46:52,281 --> 00:46:53,641
Oh, no.
967
00:46:53,761 --> 00:46:54,761
Not again.
968
00:46:55,121 --> 00:46:56,481
It's in your diary, you know.
969
00:46:56,881 --> 00:46:58,161
Oh, Plasche!
970
00:46:58,681 --> 00:46:59,841
I'm sorry.
971
00:46:59,921 --> 00:47:02,601
You've never once remembered,
not once in seven years.
972
00:47:02,681 --> 00:47:04,401
No, look, I'm sorry.
973
00:47:04,721 --> 00:47:08,401
Look, since you...
you missed your train, right?
974
00:47:09,041 --> 00:47:11,281
I will take you out to dinner. Hm?
975
00:47:12,481 --> 00:47:13,641
I'm already going out.
976
00:47:13,841 --> 00:47:15,321
Oh. Well, then tomorrow?
977
00:47:15,481 --> 00:47:17,361
And... and we'll go to the pictures.
978
00:47:18,081 --> 00:47:20,441
See Sean Connery, in...
979
00:47:21,121 --> 00:47:22,521
007 and a half...
980
00:47:22,641 --> 00:47:25,401
Howard is taking me out tomorrow and tonight.
981
00:47:25,521 --> 00:47:26,881
Good old Howard.
982
00:47:27,121 --> 00:47:29,121
Like to hear him living dangerously, right?
983
00:47:29,201 --> 00:47:31,001
Why are you always so snide about him?
984
00:47:31,081 --> 00:47:34,121
I mean, what's he ever done to you
to cause such contempt?
985
00:47:34,521 --> 00:47:36,081
I don't want him to marry you.
986
00:47:37,401 --> 00:47:38,521
Why not?
987
00:47:38,681 --> 00:47:39,681
Well...
988
00:47:40,361 --> 00:47:42,441
Cos you won't be able to work for me,
will you?
989
00:47:42,521 --> 00:47:43,561
Eh? Would you?
990
00:47:47,201 --> 00:47:48,601
You must be drunk.
991
00:47:49,121 --> 00:47:51,241
You've never done anything like that before.
992
00:47:52,001 --> 00:47:53,121
You know, Plasche...
993
00:47:53,801 --> 00:47:55,641
you're a very clever girl, you know that?
994
00:47:56,001 --> 00:47:57,161
Mad, of course.
995
00:47:57,641 --> 00:47:58,921
But I like you.
996
00:47:59,681 --> 00:48:01,721
And you have consistency.
997
00:48:02,281 --> 00:48:04,761
That is very therapeutic, consistency.
998
00:48:05,321 --> 00:48:07,921
You are so consistently awful
999
00:48:08,161 --> 00:48:09,761
that I find you soothing.
1000
00:48:10,761 --> 00:48:11,761
Well...
1001
00:48:11,881 --> 00:48:13,641
if that was supposed to be a compliment
1002
00:48:13,721 --> 00:48:15,801
it got mangled up somewhere along the line.
1003
00:48:15,881 --> 00:48:17,281
Yeah. Oh...
1004
00:48:17,401 --> 00:48:18,841
I'll make you some coffee.
1005
00:48:18,921 --> 00:48:20,321
Oh, thank you. Plasche!
1006
00:48:22,241 --> 00:48:24,481
I'm sorry that I forgot your birthday.
1007
00:48:25,361 --> 00:48:26,401
It's alright.
1008
00:48:26,641 --> 00:48:28,281
About time I stopped having them.
1009
00:48:29,001 --> 00:48:30,761
I did get you a present, you know.
1010
00:48:31,041 --> 00:48:34,441
I tied a red bow right round it.
1011
00:48:35,641 --> 00:48:37,601
But then I had to take it off...
1012
00:48:38,721 --> 00:48:40,881
because I couldn't get my zip up.
1013
00:48:42,521 --> 00:48:44,721
Wash your mouth out with soap!
1014
00:48:46,641 --> 00:48:48,361
(HE GIGGLES)
1015
00:48:52,401 --> 00:48:53,401
Oh...
1016
00:48:54,761 --> 00:48:56,961
(EASY LISTENING MUSIC PLAYS)
1017
00:49:19,281 --> 00:49:20,921
(DOORBELL RINGS)
1018
00:49:21,081 --> 00:49:22,201
Gerald!
1019
00:49:22,561 --> 00:49:24,841
GERALD:
Panic not! I'm on my way.
1020
00:49:36,241 --> 00:49:37,561
(DOORBELL RINGS)
1021
00:49:37,681 --> 00:49:39,041
GUNNAR:
Hurry up, Geraldine!
1022
00:49:39,121 --> 00:49:41,041
Oh, don't fuss, Gunnar.
They aren't royalty.
1023
00:49:42,481 --> 00:49:43,481
Are you, er...
1024
00:49:43,881 --> 00:49:45,361
Jekyll or Hyde tonight?
1025
00:49:45,441 --> 00:49:46,881
I don't recall which was which.
1026
00:49:46,961 --> 00:49:47,801
Gerald!
1027
00:49:48,241 --> 00:49:49,761
I'll be as sweet as pie.
1028
00:49:52,121 --> 00:49:53,841
- Ah!
- (THEY LAUGH)
1029
00:49:53,921 --> 00:49:56,441
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
1030
00:49:57,081 --> 00:49:59,121
GERALD:
Welcome to our humble abode!
1031
00:49:59,241 --> 00:50:01,841
You're a girl, I suspect.
You're too pretty to be a boy.
1032
00:50:01,921 --> 00:50:02,841
Hello, Gerald.
1033
00:50:02,921 --> 00:50:04,361
- Gunnar, bottle of wine.
- Oh, marvellous.
1034
00:50:04,441 --> 00:50:06,001
- I shall put it in the fridge.
- German, of course.
1035
00:50:06,081 --> 00:50:07,921
- Yet another for the feast.
- Wonderful.
1036
00:50:08,601 --> 00:50:10,921
My goodness, you brushed your hair!
1037
00:50:11,001 --> 00:50:12,041
(HE LAUGHS)
1038
00:50:12,121 --> 00:50:13,601
This really must be an occasion!
1039
00:50:13,761 --> 00:50:16,201
- Prompt, as usual.
- The only trouble with punctuality
1040
00:50:16,281 --> 00:50:18,681
is that people always think
you've got nothing better to do.
1041
00:50:18,761 --> 00:50:20,561
- You're looking very well.
- Trying, trying.
1042
00:50:20,641 --> 00:50:22,761
This boy's got a great future behind him,
Lewis.
1043
00:50:22,921 --> 00:50:24,881
- (THEY CHUCKLE)
- Ah!
1044
00:50:25,481 --> 00:50:26,481
You like it?
1045
00:50:27,441 --> 00:50:28,721
LEWIS:
Yes, I do!
1046
00:50:28,801 --> 00:50:31,561
I do, very much. It's very good, Gunnar.
1047
00:50:32,041 --> 00:50:33,881
- Who is it?
- (THEY LAUGH)
1048
00:50:33,961 --> 00:50:34,881
Very witty.
1049
00:50:34,961 --> 00:50:37,001
Tonight was supposed to be
the unveiling ceremony
1050
00:50:37,081 --> 00:50:38,281
but it's not quite finished yet.
1051
00:50:38,361 --> 00:50:40,401
Well, I think the uniform spoils it.
1052
00:50:40,481 --> 00:50:42,001
All that phony masculinity.
1053
00:50:42,081 --> 00:50:43,441
Hey, I resent that "phony" bit!
1054
00:50:43,521 --> 00:50:45,201
If you'll excuse me, duty calls.
1055
00:50:47,161 --> 00:50:49,241
(HE SNIFFS)
Something smells good.
1056
00:50:49,481 --> 00:50:50,401
Oh, it's Gerald.
1057
00:50:50,681 --> 00:50:52,401
My friend's barely civilised
1058
00:50:52,481 --> 00:50:54,561
but he makes a mean chicken béarnaise.
1059
00:50:54,761 --> 00:50:56,681
GUNNAR:
Gerald, how about some drink?
1060
00:50:56,841 --> 00:50:58,161
- Gorg?
- Martini, please.
1061
00:51:00,121 --> 00:51:01,361
I'll have the same.
1062
00:51:02,401 --> 00:51:04,121
- Dry?
- Mummified.
1063
00:51:05,481 --> 00:51:06,961
It's been one of those days.
1064
00:51:08,081 --> 00:51:09,081
(THEY LAUGH)
1065
00:51:09,161 --> 00:51:11,041
Anyway, no one can afford
to buy a Braque these days...
1066
00:51:11,121 --> 00:51:12,761
...except British Rail.
- (THEY LAUGH)
1067
00:51:12,921 --> 00:51:14,601
Well, personally, I prefer Mondrian.
1068
00:51:14,881 --> 00:51:18,121
Oh! You just can't compare
Braque and Mondrian, Lewis.
1069
00:51:18,201 --> 00:51:19,121
LEWIS:
Why on Earth not?
1070
00:51:19,201 --> 00:51:20,681
GUNNAR:
Mondrian's much too clinical.
1071
00:51:21,081 --> 00:51:23,401
- Perhaps that's why I prefer it.
- Lewis is a Virgo.
1072
00:51:23,521 --> 00:51:25,081
- It shows.
- (RICHIE CHUCKLES)
1073
00:51:25,161 --> 00:51:27,121
- Can't stand Mondrian, myself.
- Neither can I.
1074
00:51:27,201 --> 00:51:29,001
- It's like scaffolding.
- (THEY CHUCKLE)
1075
00:51:29,081 --> 00:51:31,081
You know, Richie,
when you try to get cultural
1076
00:51:31,161 --> 00:51:32,921
you're really worth your weight
in fairy cakes.
1077
00:51:33,001 --> 00:51:34,241
- Ooh!
- Temper, temper.
1078
00:51:34,321 --> 00:51:36,161
Or is it premenstrual tension, do you think?
1079
00:51:36,241 --> 00:51:37,481
- Very funny.
- (RICHIE LAUGHS)
1080
00:51:37,841 --> 00:51:40,921
Anyway, I don't think it's morally right
for a company to buy a work of art
1081
00:51:41,001 --> 00:51:42,721
and then just shove it away
in a vault for 20 years.
1082
00:51:42,801 --> 00:51:44,601
Ah, the innocence of it!
1083
00:51:44,721 --> 00:51:46,681
The dear boy's so normal and refreshing.
1084
00:51:46,801 --> 00:51:48,361
You make him sound like a mouthwash.
1085
00:51:48,641 --> 00:51:50,161
GUNNAR:
I agree with Richie.
1086
00:51:50,481 --> 00:51:53,081
Especially as they don't always
go into the vaults.
1087
00:51:53,841 --> 00:51:55,721
There's a Utrillo
1088
00:51:56,521 --> 00:51:58,681
hanging in Gerald's office right now.
1089
00:51:58,841 --> 00:52:01,721
Collecting art and antiques
is a good long-term investment.
1090
00:52:01,921 --> 00:52:03,481
It's a hedge against inflation.
1091
00:52:03,601 --> 00:52:05,121
- Is that true?
- What?
1092
00:52:05,481 --> 00:52:07,681
Do you really have a Utrillo
hanging in your office?
1093
00:52:07,761 --> 00:52:08,681
Yes.
1094
00:52:08,801 --> 00:52:10,041
Well, I think that's outrageous.
1095
00:52:10,481 --> 00:52:11,521
I beg your pardon?
1096
00:52:11,601 --> 00:52:13,001
Well, do the shareholders know?
1097
00:52:13,201 --> 00:52:14,241
Mind your own business!
1098
00:52:14,321 --> 00:52:15,721
Oh, temper, temper.
(HE CHUCKLES)
1099
00:52:16,041 --> 00:52:18,161
- Or is it premenstrual tension?
- (RICHIE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY)
1100
00:52:18,241 --> 00:52:19,721
- Cut it out, Lewis.
- Yes, please stop it.
1101
00:52:19,801 --> 00:52:22,081
- You started this.
- And now I would like to finish it.
1102
00:52:22,161 --> 00:52:23,601
- Hear, hear.
- Since you seem to feel
1103
00:52:23,681 --> 00:52:25,681
our ethical standards are
less than healthy, Lewis
1104
00:52:25,761 --> 00:52:29,041
perhaps you should come in on Monday
and give our art expert some advice.
1105
00:52:29,161 --> 00:52:31,201
No, my dear Gerald,
I'm sure there's no need.
1106
00:52:31,321 --> 00:52:33,401
I must say, I'm surprised you haven't
tried to bribe me
1107
00:52:33,521 --> 00:52:36,121
- to keep my mouth shut.
- If you kept your mouth shut more often
1108
00:52:36,201 --> 00:52:38,961
and your eyes open,
you'd be a much better writer, heartface.
1109
00:52:40,481 --> 00:52:42,041
You'd certainly be more observant.
1110
00:52:42,681 --> 00:52:43,601
Wouldn't he, Gunnar?
1111
00:52:44,481 --> 00:52:45,321
Well...
1112
00:52:45,441 --> 00:52:47,281
GUNNAR:
Have we any weight-watchers here tonight?
1113
00:52:47,521 --> 00:52:48,481
No.
1114
00:52:48,561 --> 00:52:50,241
My God, Gunnar, this looks absolutely...
1115
00:52:50,321 --> 00:52:51,401
When do you move?
1116
00:52:51,481 --> 00:52:52,681
Oh, a couple of weeks.
1117
00:52:52,761 --> 00:52:54,841
They eat their children, I'm told,
country people.
1118
00:52:54,921 --> 00:52:56,401
- (THEY LAUGH)
- Very odd, they are.
1119
00:52:56,481 --> 00:52:58,401
No, don't laugh!
You listen to your Auntie Gerald.
1120
00:52:58,481 --> 00:52:59,881
She knows whereof she speaks.
1121
00:53:00,281 --> 00:53:02,481
The countryside's full of psychotic animals
1122
00:53:02,561 --> 00:53:05,361
and prickly things that come
out of the ground and grab at you.
1123
00:53:05,441 --> 00:53:06,321
' Weurgh!
~ Argh!
1124
00:53:06,441 --> 00:53:10,161
Gerald thinks that anybody who lives
outside London is buried alive.
1125
00:53:10,241 --> 00:53:12,241
L'm sure you'll look
very fetching in wellies, dear
1126
00:53:12,321 --> 00:53:14,521
plodding about up to your goolies
in chicken poop.
1127
00:53:14,601 --> 00:53:16,081
- (THEY LAUGH)
- Trés butch.
1128
00:53:17,561 --> 00:53:19,641
Can't see you settling in at all.
1129
00:53:20,481 --> 00:53:23,761
Why not? I spent the first sixteen years
of my life on a farm.
1130
00:53:23,841 --> 00:53:24,881
Heavens!
1131
00:53:25,041 --> 00:53:26,881
I mean, farms are such slummocky places
1132
00:53:26,961 --> 00:53:29,121
and you're the most fastidious person I know.
1133
00:53:29,361 --> 00:53:31,961
I'll bet he even puts shoe trees
in his bedroom slippers.
1134
00:53:32,041 --> 00:53:33,001
Yes, he does.
1135
00:53:33,081 --> 00:53:35,681
You really are the ultimate laxative,
you know, Gerald.
1136
00:53:35,801 --> 00:53:37,481
GERALD:
I've never quite fathomed you out.
1137
00:53:37,601 --> 00:53:38,801
- Oh?
- There's something about you
1138
00:53:38,881 --> 00:53:40,361
that doesn't ring true.
1139
00:53:40,441 --> 00:53:42,041
How can anyone so mundane
1140
00:53:42,121 --> 00:53:44,121
- have written a book like "Chinchilla"?
- (RICHIE SNORTS)
1141
00:53:44,201 --> 00:53:46,361
I'm glad that you're your usual
charming self tonight, Gerald.
1142
00:53:46,441 --> 00:53:49,401
No, seriously, Lewis.
Haven't you ever done anything really crazy?
1143
00:53:50,041 --> 00:53:53,121
I mean, something that's not totally dull
and conventional.
1144
00:53:53,241 --> 00:53:55,841
I don't see there's anything wrong
in being conventional.
1145
00:53:56,001 --> 00:53:57,401
Mediocre don't suffer.
1146
00:53:57,521 --> 00:53:58,921
You should know that, Gerald.
1147
00:53:59,001 --> 00:54:00,201
Very boring, dear.
1148
00:54:00,601 --> 00:54:02,641
Writers have no business being boring.
1149
00:54:02,801 --> 00:54:05,081
He once took all his clothes off...
1150
00:54:05,201 --> 00:54:06,121
Oh, no.
1151
00:54:06,241 --> 00:54:09,241
And walked about outside naked.
Now, that's not very conventional.
1152
00:54:09,401 --> 00:54:11,561
- At night, of course.
- No, no, no.
1153
00:54:11,841 --> 00:54:13,081
Tell me. Tell me.
1154
00:54:13,601 --> 00:54:14,601
I'd rather not.
1155
00:54:15,201 --> 00:54:16,281
Go on, Lewis.
1156
00:54:16,361 --> 00:54:17,921
Tell us. Take no notice of them.
1157
00:54:19,121 --> 00:54:21,521
Well, I was sixteen at the time.
1158
00:54:22,881 --> 00:54:24,561
My parents were away for the day.
1159
00:54:25,481 --> 00:54:27,441
It was... a hot afternoon
1160
00:54:28,281 --> 00:54:29,481
so I took my clothes off.
1161
00:54:30,121 --> 00:54:31,801
And I went across the fields.
1162
00:54:33,401 --> 00:54:34,681
And I had a swim.
1163
00:54:36,241 --> 00:54:37,721
And then I walked back.
1164
00:54:39,321 --> 00:54:41,281
There were some men working in the field.
1165
00:54:42,201 --> 00:54:43,281
Nobody saw me.
1166
00:54:45,001 --> 00:54:46,921
It must have been an extraordinary feeling.
1167
00:54:48,201 --> 00:54:49,281
Yes, it was.
1168
00:54:49,521 --> 00:54:51,521
Welcome to the human race.
1169
00:54:54,081 --> 00:54:56,961
Yes, well, you're right in that respect,
I suppose.
1170
00:54:57,241 --> 00:55:00,321
I am conventional.
I've never had the guts to do it again.
1171
00:55:00,561 --> 00:55:01,641
Oh, come on, Lewis.
1172
00:55:01,721 --> 00:55:03,881
You had the guts
to write the Zippy Grimes article.
1173
00:55:03,961 --> 00:55:05,641
- Gunnar.
- Zippy Grimes?
1174
00:55:06,001 --> 00:55:07,521
Oh... I'm sorry.
1175
00:55:07,601 --> 00:55:09,761
I promised Richie I wouldn't say anything.
1176
00:55:09,841 --> 00:55:12,041
Yes, it's a pity someone else
didn't do the same.
1177
00:55:12,161 --> 00:55:14,321
GERALD:
W-what, pray, is everyone talking about?
1178
00:55:14,681 --> 00:55:18,361
Lewis wrote the gay article
in this month's Arbiter
1179
00:55:19,161 --> 00:55:22,001
- Really?
- MOCKING: Yes, really, Gerald!
1180
00:55:22,681 --> 00:55:24,881
Now that you know,
I suppose the gossip columnists
1181
00:55:24,961 --> 00:55:26,921
will be buzzing around like blowflies.
1182
00:55:27,001 --> 00:55:29,641
It doesn't surprise me in the slightest
that you used another name.
1183
00:55:30,441 --> 00:55:33,361
Gerald, I wish to be known as a good novelist
1184
00:55:33,441 --> 00:55:35,121
not a good gay novelist.
1185
00:55:35,201 --> 00:55:38,481
You really think they'll stop
buying your books because you screw men?
1186
00:55:38,561 --> 00:55:40,401
I've spent the last five years of my life
1187
00:55:40,481 --> 00:55:42,881
trying to persuade public men
to stand up and be counted.
1188
00:55:42,961 --> 00:55:45,521
Well-known people like you,
who could help if only you spoke up!
1189
00:55:45,601 --> 00:55:46,921
GUNNAR:
Gerald, you are preaching.
1190
00:55:47,001 --> 00:55:49,401
Isn't it about time
you came out of the closet, Lewis?
1191
00:55:49,721 --> 00:55:52,041
You do know what that means, I suppose.
"Coming out"?
1192
00:55:52,201 --> 00:55:54,761
If it means boring the knickers off everyone,
yes, I do.
1193
00:55:54,841 --> 00:55:56,441
GERALD:
That's cheap, even from you.
1194
00:55:56,521 --> 00:56:00,001
I used to admire the militants, you know,
who fought for our rights in public.
1195
00:56:00,521 --> 00:56:02,841
And then they got a little too strident
for my liking
1196
00:56:02,921 --> 00:56:05,521
and I started to wince a bit,
and then I began making excuses for them.
1197
00:56:05,641 --> 00:56:07,001
Oh, that's really progressive.
1198
00:56:07,081 --> 00:56:09,001
LEWIS:
You were beginning to enjoy it too much.
1199
00:56:09,081 --> 00:56:10,321
What a model to us all you are!
1200
00:56:10,481 --> 00:56:13,321
Why can't men like you just sit down
1201
00:56:13,401 --> 00:56:14,481
and shut up?
1202
00:56:14,921 --> 00:56:17,401
Why can't you exercise a little dignity
once in a while?
1203
00:56:17,481 --> 00:56:20,521
Dignity isn't going to stop blackmail,
and... and job discrimination
1204
00:56:20,601 --> 00:56:22,921
and queer-bashing and...
and police harassment!
1205
00:56:23,001 --> 00:56:24,841
- Gerald, please.
- Has it ever occurred to you
1206
00:56:24,921 --> 00:56:27,401
that perhaps we deserve
some of the bad things that happen to us?
1207
00:56:27,481 --> 00:56:28,441
Oh, Jesus. You...
1208
00:56:28,561 --> 00:56:30,681
You're... you're right
to go off to the country.
1209
00:56:30,761 --> 00:56:33,161
Look, when a straight man
goes to the gents to have a pee
1210
00:56:33,241 --> 00:56:36,961
do you think honestly that he enjoys
being cruised by some sticky-lipped poof?
1211
00:56:37,041 --> 00:56:38,041
Of course he doesn't.
1212
00:56:38,121 --> 00:56:40,401
What's he supposed to do?
Just pat him on the head?
1213
00:56:40,481 --> 00:56:41,801
And smile tolerantly?
1214
00:56:41,881 --> 00:56:43,841
He's offended, for God's sake,
and I don't blame him.
1215
00:56:43,921 --> 00:56:45,921
- It offends me.
- Oh, go to Surrey, Lewis.
1216
00:56:46,001 --> 00:56:47,361
Shove your head in the bloody sand.
1217
00:56:47,441 --> 00:56:49,441
- Oh, come on. This is all very childish.
- I agree.
1218
00:56:49,521 --> 00:56:50,921
- Brandy, Richie?
- Yes, please.
1219
00:56:51,001 --> 00:56:52,521
- Lewis?
- Yeah, no, thank you.
1220
00:56:52,881 --> 00:56:54,601
Get two more glasses, Gerald.
1221
00:56:56,521 --> 00:56:58,121
I'm curious about something.
1222
00:56:58,561 --> 00:57:01,521
Did you know about Richie and Gunnar
before you wrote that article?
1223
00:57:01,601 --> 00:57:04,361
It might explain your rather disenchanted
view of homosexuals.
1224
00:57:04,441 --> 00:57:07,241
- Jesus Christ...
- You are being very stupid, Gerald.
1225
00:57:07,401 --> 00:57:09,681
You are aware of the fact
your charming friend here
1226
00:57:09,761 --> 00:57:12,601
and our rugged host are engaged
in a colourful courtship dance?
1227
00:57:13,521 --> 00:57:16,601
Just five minutes with you, Gerald,
and I feel scratched all over.
1228
00:57:16,681 --> 00:57:18,241
Sit down and shut up.
1229
00:57:18,321 --> 00:57:20,521
Oh, but Lewis ought to know!
It's only decent.
1230
00:57:20,601 --> 00:57:22,161
Where decency is concerned
1231
00:57:22,241 --> 00:57:24,521
I don't think you have
any points of reference.
1232
00:57:37,601 --> 00:57:38,641
Goodnight, Gunnar.
1233
00:57:40,401 --> 00:57:41,521
I enjoyed the dinner.
1234
00:57:41,721 --> 00:57:44,401
- If you take my advice, Lewis...
- I'd rather take poison.
1235
00:57:51,361 --> 00:57:52,481
(DOOR SLAMS)
1236
00:58:14,961 --> 00:58:15,961
(DOOR SHUTS)
1237
00:58:23,841 --> 00:58:25,081
One day, Gerald...
1238
00:58:26,961 --> 00:58:29,801
somebody's gonna drive a stake
through your heart.
1239
00:58:30,441 --> 00:58:32,481
There's no wood hard enough, ducky.
1240
00:58:33,841 --> 00:58:34,961
(GUNNAR SCOFFS)
1241
01:00:13,681 --> 01:00:15,161
Aren't you overreacting a bit?
1242
01:00:16,921 --> 01:00:18,841
This is ridiculous, Lewis.
1243
01:00:19,561 --> 01:00:21,161
Gunnar doesn't mean a thing to me.
1244
01:00:22,601 --> 01:00:23,681
I know that.
1245
01:00:24,201 --> 01:00:26,801
He's just another scalp
to add to your collection.
1246
01:00:27,721 --> 01:00:28,681
Well, then.
1247
01:00:30,601 --> 01:00:33,241
You know, I think I'm gonna try
and live alone for a while.
1248
01:00:36,201 --> 01:00:37,401
How long a while?
1249
01:00:37,561 --> 01:00:38,521
I don't know.
1250
01:00:43,441 --> 01:00:45,761
If we stay together, we'll only end up...
1251
01:00:45,881 --> 01:00:46,961
What's that?
1252
01:00:47,801 --> 01:00:48,841
I said...
1253
01:00:49,441 --> 01:00:50,441
(HE SPITS)
1254
01:00:50,601 --> 01:00:51,761
If we stay together
1255
01:00:52,201 --> 01:00:55,561
we'll only end up scratching each other's
eyes out like Gunnar and Gerald.
1256
01:00:58,281 --> 01:00:59,321
(HE SPITS)
1257
01:00:59,401 --> 01:01:00,481
That what you want?
1258
01:01:12,881 --> 01:01:13,881
(HE SIGHS)
1259
01:01:27,441 --> 01:01:29,561
I have a talent for survival, you know, Rich.
1260
01:01:31,481 --> 01:01:33,961
Somehow I've learned how to swim in shit.
1261
01:01:35,441 --> 01:01:37,241
And I think you're gonna drown in it.
1262
01:01:39,401 --> 01:01:42,481
I just want to make absolutely certain
that I don't go down with you.
1263
01:01:46,441 --> 01:01:48,681
LEWIS (V0):
If you 're queer, you're queer
1264
01:01:49,121 --> 01:01:50,121
and that's it.
1265
01:01:50,961 --> 01:01:53,401
You just get on with it,
for better or for worse.
1266
01:01:53,961 --> 01:01:55,561
That's what life's about, isn't it?
1267
01:01:56,241 --> 01:01:57,281
Carrying on.
1268
01:01:57,601 --> 01:01:58,641
Coping-
1269
01:01:59,481 --> 01:02:02,361
You need good health
and a reason to get up in the morning.
1270
01:02:02,721 --> 01:02:03,881
And a sense of humour.
1271
01:02:04,641 --> 01:02:05,881
That, most of all
1272
01:02:06,441 --> 01:02:07,601
because let's face it
1273
01:02:08,161 --> 01:02:09,361
you're on your own.
1274
01:02:09,521 --> 01:02:10,721
Well, not all the time.
1275
01:02:11,361 --> 01:02:14,401
I mean, every now and then,
something nice might crop up
1276
01:02:14,761 --> 01:02:16,001
just to keep you hoping.
1277
01:02:16,561 --> 01:02:17,921
It won't last, of course.
1278
01:02:18,601 --> 01:02:20,081
Nothing does when you're queer.
1279
01:02:20,801 --> 01:02:22,601
(RAIN POURS)
1280
01:02:45,241 --> 01:02:46,281
The door was open.
1281
01:02:47,881 --> 01:02:49,721
When you leave, Alan, like right now
1282
01:02:49,801 --> 01:02:51,561
you can close it behind you, can't you?
1283
01:02:51,841 --> 01:02:52,881
It's Brian.
1284
01:02:53,881 --> 01:02:55,521
What are you doing here, anyway?
1285
01:02:55,601 --> 01:02:57,161
My dad's come to see Mr Lloyd.
1286
01:02:57,281 --> 01:02:58,241
Oh.
1287
01:02:58,641 --> 01:03:00,041
That is all I need.
1288
01:03:03,761 --> 01:03:04,881
Where is he now?
1289
01:03:06,201 --> 01:03:07,961
- Parking the car.
- Ah.
1290
01:03:08,841 --> 01:03:11,041
Well, you can tell him not to bother,
can't you?
1291
01:03:16,041 --> 01:03:17,041
You a poofter?
1292
01:03:18,881 --> 01:03:20,321
You are, ain't you? You and him.
1293
01:03:21,681 --> 01:03:23,401
- Am I what?
- A poofter.
1294
01:03:25,361 --> 01:03:27,481
I don't understand the meaning of the word.
1295
01:03:27,561 --> 01:03:28,881
Would you kindly explain?
1296
01:03:29,601 --> 01:03:31,001
Queer. Are you queer?
1297
01:03:31,921 --> 01:03:33,881
Do you mean, am I homosexual?
1298
01:03:34,161 --> 01:03:35,041
Yeah.
1299
01:03:38,441 --> 01:03:41,041
What business is it of yours, eh?
1300
01:03:41,321 --> 01:03:42,601
I don't care if you are.
1301
01:03:43,001 --> 01:03:44,961
That's very broad-minded of you.
1302
01:03:45,081 --> 01:03:46,121
My dad would, though.
1303
01:03:46,281 --> 01:03:48,001
That's very narrow-minded of him.
1304
01:03:48,081 --> 01:03:50,521
We're told to keep away
from people like you at school.
1305
01:03:51,121 --> 01:03:52,641
Very good advice.
1306
01:03:53,321 --> 01:03:54,801
It's a pity you didn't take it.
1307
01:03:55,641 --> 01:03:58,401
If my dad knew you and Mr Lloyd
were poofters, he'd go spare.
1308
01:03:58,561 --> 01:04:01,241
Well, it's just as well he doesn't know then,
isn't it? Hm?
1309
01:04:03,401 --> 01:04:04,401
I could tell him.
1310
01:04:04,481 --> 01:04:05,601
MAN IN DISTANCE:
Brian!
1311
01:04:07,361 --> 01:04:09,001
Are you trying to blackmail me?
1312
01:04:09,081 --> 01:04:10,921
- I don't have to tell him.
- MAN: Brian!
1313
01:04:11,321 --> 01:04:12,321
(LEWIS SIGHS)
1314
01:04:12,401 --> 01:04:14,601
Get out of here, you little creep.
1315
01:04:15,761 --> 01:04:18,441
L hope all your children
turn out to be little poofters.
1316
01:04:31,401 --> 01:04:32,561
I wanna see Lloyd.
1317
01:04:32,921 --> 01:04:34,521
My name's Russell, I'm his father.
1318
01:04:34,881 --> 01:04:37,081
Mr Lloyd is out.
1319
01:04:37,841 --> 01:04:39,561
It's about his music lessons.
1320
01:04:40,281 --> 01:04:42,081
He's been coming here eight months now
1321
01:04:42,161 --> 01:04:44,081
and he's no better than he was
when he started.
1322
01:04:44,161 --> 01:04:45,561
Perhaps he lacks application.
1323
01:04:46,041 --> 01:04:47,441
He lacks a good teacher.
1324
01:04:48,081 --> 01:04:50,281
He says Lloyd's hardly ever here
on a Wednesday.
1325
01:04:50,361 --> 01:04:53,281
And when he does condescend to turn up,
he's either half-cut
1326
01:04:53,601 --> 01:04:55,201
or he's got another pupil waiting.
1327
01:04:55,281 --> 01:04:56,881
Well, it's not good enough, is it?
1328
01:04:57,521 --> 01:04:59,201
- (BOX THUDS)
- I sympathise.
1329
01:04:59,441 --> 01:05:01,401
- I really do.
- Look, I don't want sympathy.
1330
01:05:01,481 --> 01:05:02,361
I want action.
1331
01:05:02,681 --> 01:05:05,041
We paid out good money
to have him learn the piano.
1332
01:05:05,481 --> 01:05:08,361
Yes, well, you'll have to take that up
with Mr Lloyd, won't you?
1333
01:05:08,441 --> 01:05:09,401
Who are you?
1334
01:05:11,681 --> 01:05:13,081
I am his lover.
1335
01:05:14,681 --> 01:05:15,761
Hey?
1336
01:05:16,321 --> 01:05:18,681
Your father appears to have been
struck dumb, Alan.
1337
01:05:19,361 --> 01:05:21,401
What does one pull to make words come out?
1338
01:05:22,361 --> 01:05:23,441
You're a poof?
1339
01:05:23,961 --> 01:05:25,361
You've won the washing machine.
1340
01:05:26,281 --> 01:05:27,241
What, Lloyd and all?
1341
01:05:27,321 --> 01:05:29,281
Oh, you're gonna go for the freezer too, eh?
1342
01:05:29,361 --> 01:05:31,921
Huh. Yes, we are spreading like greenflies.
1343
01:05:32,281 --> 01:05:34,521
You won't have to wait long, Mr Russell.
Goodbye.
1344
01:05:34,601 --> 01:05:36,041
Here, just a bloody minute.
1345
01:05:37,521 --> 01:05:39,401
I mean, somebody ought to know about you.
1346
01:05:40,361 --> 01:05:42,521
Bloody perverts, teaching kids!
1347
01:05:43,001 --> 01:05:46,201
Yes, well, you'll have to take that up
with the other bloody pervert, won't you?
1348
01:05:46,361 --> 01:05:48,201
I'll sort him out, alright. You and all.
1349
01:05:48,401 --> 01:05:49,521
Jesus!
1350
01:05:50,121 --> 01:05:52,481
Couple of bloody iron hoofs!
1351
01:05:53,041 --> 01:05:54,001
It's criminal.
1352
01:05:56,641 --> 01:05:59,721
Why don't you have a look at this magazine,
while you're waiting? Hm?
1353
01:06:05,081 --> 01:06:06,681
Bloody poofs.
1354
01:06:06,921 --> 01:06:08,201
Bloody poofs.
1355
01:06:09,801 --> 01:06:11,521
You're going up the doctor's tomorrow.
1356
01:06:12,401 --> 01:06:14,201
- L'm hungry.
- Oh, shut up.
1357
01:06:14,601 --> 01:06:16,881
Or better still,
go and practise your bloody scales.
1358
01:06:17,281 --> 01:06:18,321
Well, go on!
1359
01:06:21,001 --> 01:06:22,121
(HE SHUDDERS)
1360
01:06:29,921 --> 01:06:31,281
Bloody poofs.
1361
01:06:31,641 --> 01:06:32,481
(HE GASPS)
1362
01:06:38,201 --> 01:06:39,641
(PHONE RINGS)
1363
01:06:51,801 --> 01:06:54,281
GERALD VO».
Oh, go to Surrey, Lewis. Shove your head...
1364
01:06:54,361 --> 01:06:57,001
HARRY VO.
Run away to your menopausal dump in Suffolk.
1365
01:06:57,081 --> 01:06:59,601
GERALD VO. Isn 't it about time
you came out of the closet, Lewis?
1366
01:06:59,681 --> 01:07:01,121
HARRY VO.
Come out of the closet, Lewis.
1367
01:07:01,201 --> 01:07:02,321
Gutless arsehole.
1368
01:07:02,401 --> 01:07:03,721
GUNNAR VO:
Oh, come on, Lewis.
1369
01:07:03,801 --> 01:07:05,201
You had the guts to write the Zippy...
1370
01:07:05,281 --> 01:07:08,361
PLASCHE VO. Why didn't you have the guts
to put your own name to it?
1371
01:07:16,641 --> 01:07:18,881
GERALD (V0):
Writers have no business being boring.
1372
01:07:19,401 --> 01:07:21,761
LETTER WRITER (V0): The thing is, Zippy
1373
01:07:22,521 --> 01:07:25,641
I killed this man, see?
1374
01:07:25,721 --> 01:07:27,361
MRS COOPER VO».
And then I read your article...
1375
01:07:27,441 --> 01:07:28,961
LEWIS (V0):
We was queer, llke you. "
1376
01:07:29,041 --> 01:07:31,681
MRS COOPER NO): ...and it seemed so sensible
and compassionate.
1377
01:07:31,761 --> 01:07:33,921
GERALD VO. You do know what that means,
I suppose? Coming out?
1378
01:07:34,001 --> 01:07:36,201
RICHIE (V0): He once took all his clothes off.
1379
01:07:36,281 --> 01:07:37,961
LEWIS (V0):
Never had the guts to do if again.
1380
01:07:38,041 --> 01:07:41,321
RICHIE (VO): And walked about outside naked.
Now, that's not very conventional.
1381
01:07:41,401 --> 01:07:43,961
PLASCHE (V0): What does lt all matter nowadays, anyway?
1382
01:08:01,841 --> 01:08:03,681
HARRY (VO):
It'd give me the greatest 0f pleasure
1383
01:08:03,761 --> 01:08:06,401
to put a little piece in our next issue
telling our readers
1384
01:08:06,481 --> 01:08:08,481
exactly who Zippy Grimes is.
101274
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