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ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s,
my mom was a well-established
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pain in the ass at school.
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No one was safe...
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Earl... Earl... Earl...
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Unacceptable, Earl.
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00:00:09,343 --> 00:00:11,261
...especially Principal Earl Ball.
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From complaints to rants to
questions and suggestions...
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00:00:13,931 --> 00:00:15,766
Oh, crap, she's already here!
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...for my mom,
Ball's door was always open.
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- Knock-knock!
- Whoa!
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Saying "knock-knock" is not the same
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00:00:24,524 --> 00:00:26,568
as actually knocking
and giving a person time
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00:00:26,693 --> 00:00:28,070
to hide under his desk.
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00:00:28,195 --> 00:00:30,822
I have important Quaker Warden
business, Earl.
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00:00:30,948 --> 00:00:32,532
- Uh-huh.
- What do you see in this Polaroid?
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A urinal.
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This is the urinal from
the third-floor boys' room.
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And there is a giant chip
in the porcelain.
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00:00:39,623 --> 00:00:41,833
How long have you been
photographing our urinals?
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Our boys are princes.
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Do you really expect them to
make pishy on chipped porcelain?
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00:00:47,339 --> 00:00:49,967
Which answer ends this conversation?
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00:00:50,092 --> 00:00:52,803
None of them do. And in
anticipation of your question,
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00:00:52,928 --> 00:00:53,971
"Where are we gonna get the money
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00:00:54,096 --> 00:00:55,555
"for a school-wide urinal reglazing?",
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00:00:55,681 --> 00:00:57,432
the answer is simple.
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00:00:57,557 --> 00:00:59,393
Take it out of Mrs. Montag's salary.
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The Latin teacher.
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That language is dead.
And let's face it,
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00:01:02,646 --> 00:01:03,939
it's only a matter of months
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00:01:04,064 --> 00:01:06,191
before Montag jumps
in the grave with it.
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You raise an important point
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which merits careful consideration.
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Be right back.
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Goldberg.
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Aah! You have light footsteps.
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00:01:17,828 --> 00:01:19,955
It's come to my attention
that you would like to use
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00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:22,332
the school's fancy,
new Avid editing machine?
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00:01:22,457 --> 00:01:23,792
And how!
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I'm completely underwater
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00:01:25,252 --> 00:01:26,586
editing my new Blade Runner spoof.
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I call it Blade Walker.
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But it's still over three hours,
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and the test audience,
Dave Kim, is not having it.
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None of that interests me in the least.
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- But... Here.
- (KEYS JINGLING)
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Keys to the editing suite.
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Bless your administrative heart.
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00:01:39,599 --> 00:01:42,436
But there is a certain
quid pro quo involved.
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Oh, I don't know any Latin.
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Mrs. Montag pretty much sleeps
through the entire class.
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Someone should check on her.
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What I'm saying is, I need to know
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what your mother plans
to do after you graduate.
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Power walks, annoy people,
argue with shop clerks.
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More of the same, I guess.
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I meant job-wise.
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She hasn't said anything
about next year.
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00:02:01,621 --> 00:02:03,290
But I guess I could find out.
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00:02:03,415 --> 00:02:07,252
I need you to press your
sweaty little thumb on the scale
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00:02:07,377 --> 00:02:10,047
and push really hard toward her leaving.
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You think I actually have
influence over what she does?
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00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:16,595
Well, I imagine you will find a way.
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There you are, Earl.
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You left me hanging in your office.
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Apologies.
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I was just having a chat
with your multitalented son.
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00:02:24,478 --> 00:02:26,438
Yep. Principal Ball
was just giving me the keys
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00:02:26,563 --> 00:02:28,065
to the new Avid suite.
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00:02:28,190 --> 00:02:30,901
No, no. I will you give you
them after you accomplish
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00:02:31,026 --> 00:02:32,944
the task which you have
promised to do for me.
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I think you should give me the keys
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to incentivize me to do the task.
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- That's not gonna happen.
- First keys, then task.
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No, no! First task, then keys!
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My actual son and my work
husband have such a fun vibe.
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♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪
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♪ But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say ♪
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Subs by kinglouisxx
for www.addic7ed.com
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♪ I don't know the future ♪
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♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪
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ADULT ADAM: It was a Sunday night,
1980-something,
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which for Erica and Geoff
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meant Chinese food at the Schwartzes'.
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00:03:03,183 --> 00:03:05,977
- Who's ready for Sunday Chow Fun Day?
- BARRY: Ha!
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00:03:06,103 --> 00:03:07,229
One of the days of the week
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00:03:07,354 --> 00:03:08,939
rhymes with an Asian noodle dish.
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- My dad's hilarious.
- Mm-hmm.
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00:03:10,273 --> 00:03:11,566
Yeah, watch out, Eddie Murphy.
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00:03:11,691 --> 00:03:13,235
Someone's looking to fill
your red leather suit.
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00:03:13,367 --> 00:03:14,960
- (LAUGHTER)
- ADULT ADAM: Yeah, for Erica,
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00:03:15,062 --> 00:03:17,374
Sunday nights felt like
a whole lot of the same,
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00:03:17,447 --> 00:03:19,282
from Linda's fawning over Geoff...
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00:03:19,400 --> 00:03:22,853
Congratulations, Erica.
You won the husband lottery!
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00:03:22,954 --> 00:03:25,105
- (LAUGHTER)
- to Lou's corny jokes...
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00:03:25,247 --> 00:03:27,582
"Help! I'm a prisoner in
a fortune-cookie factory!"
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00:03:27,707 --> 00:03:28,875
(LAUGHTER)
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Oh, Lou, you are terrible.
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Yes, he is.
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00:03:31,878 --> 00:03:35,298
...and the menu choices
that weren't for everyone.
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00:03:35,424 --> 00:03:37,592
Erica, sweet-and-sour turkey neck?
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I'm good. I had a couple
of necks for lunch.
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Neck me, Lou.
It's the chewiest part of the head.
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And like clockwork,
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at exactly whenever they felt like it,
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Barry and Joanne would take off.
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Well, this has been a treat,
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but now I'm full and bored,
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so we're outtie.
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Time to go watch 21 Jump Street.
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00:03:53,984 --> 00:03:55,861
It's about ridiculously
handsome undercover cops
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00:03:55,986 --> 00:03:57,320
investigating crimes in high schools.
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It seems like that wouldn't be
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enough to fill out a series.
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- Oh, for sure.
- (CLICKS TONGUE) Ta!
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00:04:01,450 --> 00:04:03,034
Hold up. Why do they get to leave?
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00:04:03,160 --> 00:04:04,953
I think of it more like we get to stay.
118
00:04:05,078 --> 00:04:07,164
Sometimes, I don't know
who the lucky ones are.
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00:04:07,956 --> 00:04:09,124
I think I have a good idea.
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00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:11,751
Finally, Erica's least-favorite
part of the night...
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00:04:11,877 --> 00:04:13,587
Geoffrey, would you mind?
122
00:04:13,719 --> 00:04:15,637
We've got quite the
Sonny-do list this week.
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00:04:15,755 --> 00:04:16,965
...the chores,
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which Lou and Linda
would always pile on Geoff.
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00:04:19,468 --> 00:04:21,386
"Replace batteries in smoke detectors.
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00:04:21,511 --> 00:04:23,932
"Program VCR. Refill humidifier.
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00:04:24,050 --> 00:04:25,557
"Empty dehumidifier."
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00:04:25,682 --> 00:04:28,393
Hey, what do you say we put
the humidifier and the dehumidifier
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in the same room and
let them fight it out?
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00:04:29,978 --> 00:04:32,939
(LAUGHTER)
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00:04:33,064 --> 00:04:34,357
Well, fans of that joke
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00:04:34,483 --> 00:04:35,734
will have next week to look forward to
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00:04:35,859 --> 00:04:37,360
and last week to look back on.
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00:04:37,486 --> 00:04:42,324
To put it mildly,
Erica's Sunday was in no way a fun day.
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00:04:42,449 --> 00:04:44,367
Wasn't that such a delight?
136
00:04:44,493 --> 00:04:46,369
Okay, I'm just gonna say it.
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00:04:46,495 --> 00:04:48,914
- I don't enjoy Sunday night at your parents'.
- Wha?
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00:04:49,039 --> 00:04:51,208
It's the same, exact thing
every single week.
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00:04:51,333 --> 00:04:52,792
Yeah, because it's tradition.
140
00:04:52,918 --> 00:04:54,586
Geoff, we're married now.
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00:04:54,711 --> 00:04:56,046
We can start a new tradition...
142
00:04:56,171 --> 00:04:58,215
Of never doing your parents'
Sunday-night thing again.
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00:04:58,340 --> 00:04:59,424
Never again?
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00:04:59,549 --> 00:05:02,511
Come on. We can snuggle up and order in.
145
00:05:02,636 --> 00:05:04,054
Oh, we can watch Jump Street.
146
00:05:04,179 --> 00:05:05,347
I mean, I guess I do enjoy
147
00:05:05,472 --> 00:05:06,890
Johnny Depp's whole undercover vibe.
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00:05:07,015 --> 00:05:09,017
He carries a gun and a backpack.
149
00:05:09,142 --> 00:05:10,560
There you go. You like what you like,
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00:05:10,685 --> 00:05:12,020
and I like no more lame-ass Sundays.
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00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:13,855
- What?
- Jump Street.
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00:05:13,980 --> 00:05:16,191
ADULT ADAM: While Erica was
putting the brakes on Sunday dinner,
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00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:18,860
it was time for me to try to
steer my mom toward retirement.
154
00:05:18,985 --> 00:05:21,029
Nice new sedan, Jackie.
155
00:05:21,168 --> 00:05:22,877
Kudos to your divorce lawyer.
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00:05:22,962 --> 00:05:24,574
Come on, Theresa.
I wouldn't be in a hurry
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00:05:24,699 --> 00:05:25,700
to pick up your twins either,
158
00:05:25,825 --> 00:05:27,494
but I need you moving forward.
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00:05:27,619 --> 00:05:28,703
Mom, can I talk to you?
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00:05:28,828 --> 00:05:29,996
Make it quick. I'm helping others.
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00:05:30,121 --> 00:05:30,997
Move it!
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00:05:32,082 --> 00:05:33,625
Apropos of nothing,
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00:05:33,750 --> 00:05:35,794
I was wondering if you're
gonna retire next year?
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00:05:35,919 --> 00:05:38,296
Why would I do that?
I'm the Quaker Warden,
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00:05:38,421 --> 00:05:41,174
entrusted with promoting
kindness and family values.
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00:05:41,299 --> 00:05:44,344
Slow the [Bleep] down, Candace!
167
00:05:44,469 --> 00:05:46,388
Anyway, what would Earl do without me?
168
00:05:46,520 --> 00:05:49,064
- Oh, I think he'd find a way to soldier on.
- (TIRES SCREECH)
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00:05:49,182 --> 00:05:50,600
- Where's this coming from, schmoo?
- (HORN HONKS)
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00:05:50,725 --> 00:05:52,435
I just want you to have
a fulfilling life.
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00:05:52,561 --> 00:05:54,229
I've had a great career here.
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00:05:54,354 --> 00:05:56,314
I'm excited for New York.
173
00:05:56,439 --> 00:05:58,525
Maybe there's a new chapter
for you, too.
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00:05:59,901 --> 00:06:00,986
Think about it.
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00:06:01,111 --> 00:06:02,236
Huh.
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00:06:02,306 --> 00:06:05,949
ADULT ADAM: With that, I got my
mom's mind racing about her future.
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00:06:06,074 --> 00:06:07,784
Meanwhile, Geoff's
bad news to his parents
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00:06:07,909 --> 00:06:09,661
stopped them dead in their tracks.
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00:06:09,786 --> 00:06:12,289
You're boycotting Sunday Chow Fun Day?
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00:06:12,414 --> 00:06:14,457
He didn't say the word
"boycotting," Lou.
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00:06:14,583 --> 00:06:15,625
Thank you, Mom.
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00:06:15,750 --> 00:06:17,502
He just said that
he doesn't love us anymore.
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00:06:17,627 --> 00:06:19,004
What? No!
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00:06:19,129 --> 00:06:21,214
It's just now that
Erica and I are married,
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we've decided to spend
our Sunday nights together.
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00:06:23,091 --> 00:06:24,634
Oh, well, that makes sense.
187
00:06:24,759 --> 00:06:26,761
Of course it does. This guy gets it.
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00:06:26,886 --> 00:06:29,306
Well, try to keep in touch.
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00:06:29,431 --> 00:06:31,182
Dad, it's not like I'm
never gonna see you again.
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00:06:31,308 --> 00:06:32,809
Geoffrey, please don't explain.
191
00:06:32,934 --> 00:06:34,269
You're a married man.
192
00:06:34,394 --> 00:06:36,605
You've got to do what you've got to do.
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00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:39,149
- Preach, Louie.
- But I'll still come by all the time.
194
00:06:39,274 --> 00:06:40,483
I can still do the chores.
195
00:06:40,609 --> 00:06:42,277
No need. Your father
and I can figure out
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00:06:42,394 --> 00:06:44,521
how to change the batteries
in the smoke detectors.
197
00:06:44,654 --> 00:06:46,740
Or if we can't,
I guess we'll find out the hard way.
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00:06:46,865 --> 00:06:48,950
Well, enjoy your Sunday nights
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00:06:49,075 --> 00:06:51,119
and, you know, the rest of your lives.
200
00:06:51,244 --> 00:06:53,496
Samesies. All right,
uh, let's hit it, Geoff.
201
00:06:53,622 --> 00:06:56,041
Be gone, Geoffrey! The sooner you go,
202
00:06:56,166 --> 00:06:58,043
the sooner your mother and I
can start the healing.
203
00:06:58,168 --> 00:06:59,628
It's okay, sweetheart.
204
00:06:59,753 --> 00:07:03,214
Our spark may be out,
but our bodies live on.
205
00:07:03,340 --> 00:07:04,841
All right, I'm gonna
pull the car around.
206
00:07:04,966 --> 00:07:06,968
ADULT ADAM: As Geoff felt
the sting of ditching his parents,
207
00:07:07,093 --> 00:07:10,180
school was buzzing with
a mystery announcement.
208
00:07:10,305 --> 00:07:11,640
Any idea what the assembly's about?
209
00:07:11,765 --> 00:07:12,891
Probably something about
210
00:07:13,016 --> 00:07:15,268
how only we can prevent forest fires.
211
00:07:15,393 --> 00:07:17,297
It feels like there has to be
someone more responsible.
212
00:07:17,322 --> 00:07:18,313
(FEEDBACK)
213
00:07:18,338 --> 00:07:19,522
Treasured students,
214
00:07:19,648 --> 00:07:22,359
distinguished faculty, Brea...
215
00:07:22,484 --> 00:07:24,319
Hard not to feel singled out by that.
216
00:07:24,444 --> 00:07:27,322
...as your Quaker Warden,
we have laughed together,
217
00:07:27,447 --> 00:07:28,990
cried together,
218
00:07:29,115 --> 00:07:30,855
and grown together.
219
00:07:30,957 --> 00:07:33,662
But as all good things must
come to an end,
220
00:07:33,787 --> 00:07:36,081
so, too, must this.
221
00:07:36,206 --> 00:07:37,582
Where is this going?
222
00:07:37,707 --> 00:07:39,334
Which is why the end
of this academic year
223
00:07:39,459 --> 00:07:42,388
will mark the end of my tenure
as your Quaker Warden.
224
00:07:42,466 --> 00:07:43,777
WOODBURN: Am I dreaming?
225
00:07:43,857 --> 00:07:45,590
I don't think I'm dreaming,
'cause I'm not naked.
226
00:07:45,715 --> 00:07:47,342
Sadly, Dale, it's not a dream.
227
00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:48,677
Hit it, kids.
228
00:07:48,802 --> 00:07:54,933
♪ I guess I thought
you'd be here forever ♪
229
00:07:55,058 --> 00:08:00,105
♪ Another illusion I chose to create ♪
230
00:08:00,230 --> 00:08:02,482
♪ You don't know what you've got ♪
231
00:08:02,607 --> 00:08:05,568
♪ Until it's gone ♪
232
00:08:05,694 --> 00:08:07,570
♪ And I found out ♪
233
00:08:07,696 --> 00:08:10,490
♪ A little too late ♪
234
00:08:10,615 --> 00:08:13,201
♪ Now, being without you ♪
235
00:08:13,326 --> 00:08:17,122
♪ Takes a lot of getting used to ♪
236
00:08:17,247 --> 00:08:19,916
♪ Should learn to live with it ♪
237
00:08:20,041 --> 00:08:22,627
♪ But I don't want to ♪
238
00:08:22,752 --> 00:08:25,130
CHOIR: ♪ Being without you ♪
239
00:08:25,255 --> 00:08:27,841
♪ Is all a big mistake ♪
240
00:08:27,966 --> 00:08:30,969
♪ Instead of getting easier ♪
241
00:08:31,094 --> 00:08:33,930
♪ It's the hardest thing to take ♪
242
00:08:34,055 --> 00:08:36,725
♪ I'm addicted to you, babe ♪
243
00:08:36,850 --> 00:08:42,981
(CRYING) ♪ You're
a hard habit to break ♪
244
00:08:43,106 --> 00:08:44,441
(LIGHT APPLAUSE)
245
00:08:44,566 --> 00:08:47,902
I want to thank you all for giving
me the opportunity to serve you,
246
00:08:48,027 --> 00:08:51,614
especially my partner in crime,
Principal Earl Ball.
247
00:08:51,740 --> 00:08:53,825
Look at him smiling bravely over there.
248
00:08:53,950 --> 00:08:55,034
Stay strong, Earl.
249
00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:56,411
Will do.
250
00:08:56,536 --> 00:09:00,623
Now, I've earmarked the next
hour for a retrospective Q&A.
251
00:09:00,749 --> 00:09:02,083
I have a "Q."
252
00:09:02,208 --> 00:09:04,586
What are you gonna do now
that you're leaving us
253
00:09:04,711 --> 00:09:07,255
high and, if I might add, dry?
254
00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:13,094
Well, John, I've decided to
take my talents to New York City.
255
00:09:13,219 --> 00:09:14,888
What talents are those, exactly?
256
00:09:15,013 --> 00:09:16,765
My parenting talents.
257
00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:20,810
I am gonna follow Adam to NYU.
258
00:09:21,227 --> 00:09:22,312
What's that, now?
259
00:09:22,437 --> 00:09:24,189
She said she's going to NYU,
260
00:09:24,314 --> 00:09:25,440
where I'm also going.
261
00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:26,608
This suddenly affects me.
262
00:09:26,733 --> 00:09:29,235
Actually, it was Adam's idea
for me to join him.
263
00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:30,612
That was not at all my idea.
264
00:09:30,737 --> 00:09:32,113
He said, "Mama,
265
00:09:32,238 --> 00:09:36,284
"let's go write our next
chapter together in New York."
266
00:09:36,409 --> 00:09:38,620
Those were neither my words
nor my intention.
267
00:09:38,745 --> 00:09:39,996
Any other questions?
268
00:09:40,121 --> 00:09:42,624
Yeah, mine's not so much
a question as a comment.
269
00:09:42,749 --> 00:09:45,418
This is the happiest day
of my teaching career.
270
00:09:45,543 --> 00:09:47,545
(LAUGHING) Oh! Too much, Dale.
271
00:09:47,670 --> 00:09:51,382
Oh, thank you for adding
levity to a difficult time.
272
00:09:51,508 --> 00:09:53,134
And thank you, schmoo.
273
00:09:53,259 --> 00:09:54,594
This is all because of you.
274
00:09:54,719 --> 00:09:56,508
Assembly dismissed.
275
00:09:57,263 --> 00:09:59,224
Big thanks, Goldberg.
276
00:10:00,975 --> 00:10:02,602
Happy editing.
277
00:10:04,771 --> 00:10:06,898
ADULT ADAM: My mom's decision
to retire from William Penn
278
00:10:07,023 --> 00:10:09,400
and join me at NYU was my fault.
279
00:10:09,526 --> 00:10:11,069
All I could do was try to fix it.
280
00:10:11,194 --> 00:10:12,862
Ball, I need you to convince my mom
281
00:10:12,987 --> 00:10:14,614
to stay here as Quaker Warden.
282
00:10:14,739 --> 00:10:16,616
Here's the thing. No.
283
00:10:16,741 --> 00:10:18,409
I'm in real trouble here, man!
284
00:10:18,535 --> 00:10:21,746
Me too. Do I look like I need
more social impediments?
285
00:10:21,871 --> 00:10:23,665
Those sound like Dave Kim problems.
286
00:10:23,790 --> 00:10:24,999
But you're our principal.
287
00:10:25,124 --> 00:10:27,794
Aren't you supposed to care
about our experience?
288
00:10:27,919 --> 00:10:28,837
You would think.
289
00:10:28,962 --> 00:10:30,088
But I got to tell you,
290
00:10:30,213 --> 00:10:34,300
news of your mom leaving has
put a real bounce in my step.
291
00:10:34,425 --> 00:10:35,927
And look!
292
00:10:36,052 --> 00:10:37,595
Are you actually regrowing hair?
293
00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:39,347
Y-Yes! And it's not just me.
294
00:10:39,472 --> 00:10:41,432
Take a look. What do you see?
295
00:10:41,558 --> 00:10:44,519
Mr. Woodburn is doing
a one-man conga line.
296
00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:46,062
Ms. Hooper found a hula-hoop.
297
00:10:46,187 --> 00:10:48,022
And Helen, the cafeteria lady,
298
00:10:48,147 --> 00:10:49,637
is working a margarita machine.
299
00:10:49,739 --> 00:10:51,985
- (MACHINE WHIRRING)
- It's Cinco de Mayo somewhere.
300
00:10:52,485 --> 00:10:53,486
It really isn't.
301
00:10:53,611 --> 00:10:54,946
I did you a solid,
302
00:10:55,071 --> 00:10:57,866
and now my college experience
is gonna eat turds.
303
00:10:57,991 --> 00:10:59,325
I probably won't even go anymore.
304
00:10:59,450 --> 00:11:01,411
I'll just join my cousin
selling junk bonds.
305
00:11:01,536 --> 00:11:02,954
Sure, I'll have a white leather couch
306
00:11:03,079 --> 00:11:04,539
and a doorman that high-fives me
307
00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:06,875
and says, "D.K. in the house!"
308
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:08,167
But it's not college!
309
00:11:08,293 --> 00:11:09,878
Sorry. Deal's a deal.
310
00:11:10,003 --> 00:11:11,296
Margarita me, Helen.
311
00:11:11,421 --> 00:11:12,505
Hey!
312
00:11:12,630 --> 00:11:14,382
Come on, Dave Kim.
I think I have an idea.
313
00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:16,092
ADULT ADAM: While I had
a plan for how to
314
00:11:16,217 --> 00:11:17,927
get my mom off our collegiate backs,
315
00:11:18,052 --> 00:11:21,139
Erica and Geoff were enjoying
a Sunday night with no plans.
316
00:11:21,264 --> 00:11:23,224
Do you think the people
at 22 Jump Street suspect
317
00:11:23,349 --> 00:11:25,894
that they live next to a bunch
of undercover high-school cops?
318
00:11:26,019 --> 00:11:28,146
Well, actually, 22 Jump Street
would be across the street,
319
00:11:28,271 --> 00:11:30,648
not next door,
because it's an even number.
320
00:11:30,773 --> 00:11:33,443
Why so sullen? We're living
the Sunday-night dream.
321
00:11:33,568 --> 00:11:35,153
I know. It's just...
322
00:11:35,278 --> 00:11:36,821
This is the first time I can remember
323
00:11:36,946 --> 00:11:38,489
not spending Sunday night
with my parents.
324
00:11:38,615 --> 00:11:40,450
You say that like it's a bad thing.
325
00:11:40,575 --> 00:11:42,285
I miss my dad's fortune-cookie jokes.
326
00:11:42,410 --> 00:11:44,454
But by this time,
you'd be refilling ice trays.
327
00:11:44,579 --> 00:11:45,747
Do you really miss that?
328
00:11:45,872 --> 00:11:48,333
And, besides,
Barry's doing that stuff now.
329
00:11:48,458 --> 00:11:49,459
I guess you're right.
330
00:11:49,584 --> 00:11:50,668
I mean, they're in good hands.
331
00:11:50,793 --> 00:11:52,086
They're in the best hands.
332
00:11:52,211 --> 00:11:54,964
ADULT ADAM: That may
not have been exactly true.
333
00:11:55,089 --> 00:11:57,550
Lou, I'm full of duck and ready to rock.
334
00:11:57,675 --> 00:11:58,968
Give me that list of yours.
335
00:11:59,093 --> 00:12:01,095
You know, I can probably
hunker down and do this all myself.
336
00:12:01,220 --> 00:12:02,931
- Nonsense, Lou.
- No.
337
00:12:03,056 --> 00:12:04,474
Your game is eyeballs.
338
00:12:04,599 --> 00:12:06,351
Mine is dominating your lame to-do list.
339
00:12:06,476 --> 00:12:09,020
Now, someone grab me a pair of pliers,
340
00:12:09,145 --> 00:12:11,147
a random number of
batteries of any size,
341
00:12:11,272 --> 00:12:13,358
and a leftover leg of that Peking duck.
342
00:12:13,483 --> 00:12:14,484
I thought you said you were full.
343
00:12:14,609 --> 00:12:16,486
I was Linda, but when I stood up,
344
00:12:16,611 --> 00:12:18,613
the food in me shifted
and created more room.
345
00:12:18,738 --> 00:12:19,697
I'm like a suitcase that way.
346
00:12:19,822 --> 00:12:21,491
Yeah, you are.
347
00:12:21,616 --> 00:12:24,077
ADULT ADAM: While Barry
geared up to step in for Geoff,
348
00:12:24,202 --> 00:12:27,497
the teachers had stepped up and
thrown my mom a going-away party.
349
00:12:27,622 --> 00:12:29,374
Beverly, it's with a heavy heart
350
00:12:29,499 --> 00:12:30,541
and an inadequate knife
351
00:12:30,667 --> 00:12:32,377
that I attempt to
cut this ice-cream cake
352
00:12:32,502 --> 00:12:34,671
that Helen was supposed to
remove from the freezer
353
00:12:34,796 --> 00:12:36,172
an hour ago.
354
00:12:36,297 --> 00:12:39,175
I'm also supposed to change
out the chili from week to week.
355
00:12:39,300 --> 00:12:41,260
- What can you do?
- (KNOCK ON DOOR)
356
00:12:41,386 --> 00:12:44,055
Mama, I made a little
video for this occasion.
357
00:12:44,180 --> 00:12:47,684
Raise your hand if you're
tired of this kid's videos already.
358
00:12:47,809 --> 00:12:50,228
- I don't have to be nice to you anymore.
- You were nice to me?
359
00:12:50,353 --> 00:12:51,896
Anyway, Principal Ball,
360
00:12:52,021 --> 00:12:54,649
I think you'll see I put the new
editing equipment to good use.
361
00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:55,817
Oh, no.
362
00:12:55,942 --> 00:12:57,360
You have an inner calm which suggests
363
00:12:57,485 --> 00:12:59,195
you've regained the upper hand.
364
00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:01,072
Let's find out. Dave Kim, lights.
365
00:13:01,197 --> 00:13:02,532
ADULT ADAM: What Ball didn't count on
366
00:13:02,657 --> 00:13:06,327
was that I'd make a video
so emotionally manipulative,
367
00:13:06,452 --> 00:13:08,496
it would make my mom
never want to leave.
368
00:13:08,621 --> 00:13:10,039
I'm John Glascott.
369
00:13:10,164 --> 00:13:11,958
I'm gutted, because, soon,
370
00:13:12,083 --> 00:13:15,545
the sun will go down on my
place of employment forever.
371
00:13:15,670 --> 00:13:18,840
Our Quaker Warden is like
bumpers in a bowling alley.
372
00:13:18,965 --> 00:13:21,426
She keeps you from
ending up in the gutter,
373
00:13:21,551 --> 00:13:23,261
where I was no doubt headed.
374
00:13:23,386 --> 00:13:25,388
I feel sorry for the hundreds of kids
375
00:13:25,513 --> 00:13:26,764
who have to walk these halls
376
00:13:26,889 --> 00:13:28,558
without Beverly's loving support.
377
00:13:28,683 --> 00:13:30,518
Adam, this is [Bleep].
378
00:13:30,643 --> 00:13:33,438
We also share a small patch in
the community garden together,
379
00:13:33,563 --> 00:13:36,733
although I do the majority of the work,
and her carrots are dead.
380
00:13:36,858 --> 00:13:40,820
Students, you will always
cherish the time you spent with...
381
00:13:40,945 --> 00:13:42,113
...Beverly Goldberg.
382
00:13:43,140 --> 00:13:45,773
Thank you, Beverly,
for all you've given us.
383
00:13:45,882 --> 00:13:47,118
(CRYING)
384
00:13:47,243 --> 00:13:48,703
(SAD MUSIC PLAYING)
385
00:13:48,828 --> 00:13:50,705
(TYPEWRITER CLACKING)
386
00:13:54,542 --> 00:13:55,543
Wow.
387
00:13:55,668 --> 00:13:57,712
It's almost like I died.
388
00:13:57,837 --> 00:13:58,880
You didn't die, Mama.
389
00:13:59,005 --> 00:14:00,339
The school did.
390
00:14:00,465 --> 00:14:01,466
Isn't that right, Dave Kim?
391
00:14:01,591 --> 00:14:03,426
I lowered the flag to half-mast.
392
00:14:03,551 --> 00:14:05,970
It was difficult,
'cause I'm not good with ropes.
393
00:14:06,095 --> 00:14:07,805
Luckily, one child, me,
394
00:14:07,930 --> 00:14:09,807
gets to continue
to have you in their life,
395
00:14:09,932 --> 00:14:11,041
instead of thousands.
396
00:14:11,119 --> 00:14:12,268
But a choice has been made,
397
00:14:12,323 --> 00:14:14,908
and there's probably
no way to reverse it, right?
398
00:14:15,021 --> 00:14:17,148
Nope. I guess it makes the most sense
399
00:14:17,273 --> 00:14:19,692
to leave all the innocent children
400
00:14:19,817 --> 00:14:22,028
in these deeply flawed people's hands.
401
00:14:24,739 --> 00:14:26,449
Damn it, I'm sorry. Adam, I can't.
402
00:14:26,574 --> 00:14:27,992
- I'm staying here.
- What?
403
00:14:28,117 --> 00:14:29,327
- Why?
- Hot dog!
404
00:14:29,452 --> 00:14:31,454
Look, I know you're shocked,
and so am I,
405
00:14:31,579 --> 00:14:34,165
but how can I leave after seeing
how much I mean to this place?
406
00:14:34,290 --> 00:14:35,208
(SQUEALS)
407
00:14:35,333 --> 00:14:36,584
(LAUGHTER)
408
00:14:36,709 --> 00:14:38,544
And that's how you do that.
409
00:14:38,669 --> 00:14:40,129
You are not gonna get away with this.
410
00:14:40,254 --> 00:14:41,297
I think I already did.
411
00:14:43,257 --> 00:14:45,927
ADULT ADAM: As I regained the
upper hand and got my mom to stay,
412
00:14:46,052 --> 00:14:49,514
Lou's to-do list was in good hands,
thanks to Barry.
413
00:14:49,639 --> 00:14:50,807
Sorta.
414
00:14:50,932 --> 00:14:52,892
It's fall ahead, spring behind, right?
415
00:14:53,017 --> 00:14:55,144
I don't know clocks.
I get up when I'm hungry.
416
00:14:55,269 --> 00:14:58,142
I've never been more confident
about a 50/50 guess in my life.
417
00:14:58,167 --> 00:14:58,995
(CLICKS TONGUE)
418
00:14:59,020 --> 00:15:01,818
ADULT ADAM: Next was "change
batteries in smoke detectors."
419
00:15:01,943 --> 00:15:03,569
Are you sure that's a new battery?
420
00:15:03,701 --> 00:15:05,630
- (SMOKE DETECTOR CHIRPING)
- Define "sure" and "new."
421
00:15:05,740 --> 00:15:07,631
I only ask because it's beeping.
422
00:15:08,449 --> 00:15:10,159
- (CHIRP)
- That's the sound of it
423
00:15:10,284 --> 00:15:12,286
detecting you're a smoke show.
(EXHALES SHARPLY)
424
00:15:12,411 --> 00:15:13,496
Aw!
425
00:15:13,621 --> 00:15:16,833
ADULT ADAM: And then
"fix Lou's reading glasses."
426
00:15:16,958 --> 00:15:19,836
Finally, "change light bulb in fridge."
427
00:15:19,961 --> 00:15:22,547
Why does he need a new bulb?
I can see in here just fine.
428
00:15:22,672 --> 00:15:23,673
Whoa!
429
00:15:23,798 --> 00:15:25,675
They're bananas-in-the-fridge people.
430
00:15:25,760 --> 00:15:26,803
Okay.
431
00:15:26,868 --> 00:15:28,386
ADULT ADAM: With that,
the list was complete...
432
00:15:28,519 --> 00:15:30,020
End of story.
433
00:15:30,138 --> 00:15:31,722
Or was it?
434
00:15:31,848 --> 00:15:32,849
I'm hardly tired,
435
00:15:32,974 --> 00:15:34,684
but I guess the clock doesn't lie.
436
00:15:34,816 --> 00:15:36,693
ADULT ADAM: Because the clock
had been adjusted wrong...
437
00:15:36,795 --> 00:15:38,596
- (GROANS)
- ...Lou accidentally went to bed
438
00:15:38,659 --> 00:15:39,877
earlier than usual.
439
00:15:39,981 --> 00:15:41,732
That meant the usually
heavy-sleeping Lou
440
00:15:41,858 --> 00:15:43,359
- was fully awakened...
- (CHIRP)
441
00:15:43,484 --> 00:15:45,528
...by the beeping of the smoke detector.
442
00:15:45,653 --> 00:15:46,821
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
443
00:15:46,946 --> 00:15:48,489
After changing the battery himself,
444
00:15:48,614 --> 00:15:50,074
Lou was pretty worked up.
445
00:15:50,199 --> 00:15:51,826
So he thought he'd wind down
446
00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:53,369
with a little nighttime reading.
447
00:15:53,494 --> 00:15:56,873
Spin your saucy yarn, Jackie Collins.
448
00:15:56,998 --> 00:15:59,584
But there was no Jackie
Collins with busted glasses.
449
00:15:59,709 --> 00:16:02,045
So instead of reading,
Lou grabbed a beverage
450
00:16:02,122 --> 00:16:04,990
- from the pitch-black fridge.
- What the... Can't see a darned...
451
00:16:05,068 --> 00:16:07,040
- Oh, no! Whoa!
- (THUD)
452
00:16:07,175 --> 00:16:08,801
Linda!
453
00:16:09,302 --> 00:16:10,469
Lou!
454
00:16:10,595 --> 00:16:13,264
I can't find my Jackie
Collins book anywhere.
455
00:16:13,389 --> 00:16:16,142
Other bad things
have happened tonight, Linda!
456
00:16:18,144 --> 00:16:21,105
ADULT ADAM: After my mom announced
she was staying on as Quaker Warden,
457
00:16:21,230 --> 00:16:23,399
Principal Ball had an
announcement of his own.
458
00:16:23,524 --> 00:16:26,360
In light of recent events,
I have decided,
459
00:16:26,485 --> 00:16:27,862
at the end of this school year,
460
00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:31,157
I will be stepping down
as your principal.
461
00:16:31,282 --> 00:16:33,326
Say it ain't so. Are you
leaving because of me?
462
00:16:33,451 --> 00:16:34,535
I can do better.
463
00:16:34,660 --> 00:16:36,704
This is just like my parents'
divorce last week.
464
00:16:36,829 --> 00:16:38,956
I've been doing a lot of reflecting.
465
00:16:39,081 --> 00:16:42,293
Yesterday,
I saw a butterfly land on a daffodil,
466
00:16:42,418 --> 00:16:45,087
and in that moment of profound beauty,
467
00:16:45,213 --> 00:16:46,797
I realized,
468
00:16:46,923 --> 00:16:49,926
life is too short for this crap.
469
00:16:50,051 --> 00:16:52,887
Anyway, assembly dismissed.
470
00:16:53,930 --> 00:16:56,432
Assembly un-dismissed.
I, too, have an announcement.
471
00:16:56,557 --> 00:16:57,510
Oh, no.
472
00:16:57,603 --> 00:17:00,478
The recent announcement by
my colleague, Principal Ball,
473
00:17:00,603 --> 00:17:01,938
uh, has made me realize
474
00:17:02,063 --> 00:17:03,898
that without him by my side,
475
00:17:04,941 --> 00:17:05,900
I have no purpose here.
476
00:17:06,025 --> 00:17:09,153
- So I, too, am stepping down.
- (STUDENTS MURMURING)
477
00:17:09,278 --> 00:17:11,447
Seems weird all of this is
playing out in front of us.
478
00:17:11,572 --> 00:17:13,491
In light of the Quaker Warden's
479
00:17:13,616 --> 00:17:16,410
even-more-recent
announcement of her departure,
480
00:17:16,535 --> 00:17:20,581
I would like to announce
that I have reconsidered
481
00:17:20,706 --> 00:17:23,918
and I will be staying on
as your principal.
482
00:17:24,043 --> 00:17:26,671
Ugh! I've seen pretzel
factories with fewer twists.
483
00:17:26,796 --> 00:17:28,631
- Don't they have staff meetings or...
- (FEEDBACK)
484
00:17:28,756 --> 00:17:30,758
Uh, but you just said
life was too short.
485
00:17:30,883 --> 00:17:32,718
But... But I re-re-considered.
486
00:17:32,843 --> 00:17:35,304
And... And the butterfly
and the daffodil... Big yawn.
487
00:17:35,429 --> 00:17:37,932
Life is exactly the right length.
488
00:17:38,057 --> 00:17:40,518
Well, then I'm staying, too. Ha ha!
489
00:17:40,643 --> 00:17:41,769
Then I'm going.
490
00:17:41,894 --> 00:17:43,187
I don't think she's getting
what he's doing here.
491
00:17:43,312 --> 00:17:44,522
Oh.
492
00:17:45,648 --> 00:17:46,607
Oh.
493
00:17:46,732 --> 00:17:47,817
Hey, look at that. She got it.
494
00:17:47,942 --> 00:17:48,985
You don't want to leave.
495
00:17:49,110 --> 00:17:50,945
You just want to be wherever I'm not!
496
00:17:51,070 --> 00:17:53,406
How can I convey this? Totally.
497
00:17:55,866 --> 00:17:57,994
ADULT ADAM: In that moment,
it was clear.
498
00:17:58,119 --> 00:18:00,788
Neither my mom nor Principal Ball
really wanted to leave,
499
00:18:00,913 --> 00:18:04,116
and I had to be the one
to remind them why.
500
00:18:04,959 --> 00:18:06,127
Wait!
501
00:18:06,252 --> 00:18:08,921
It's true, I wanted
independence at college.
502
00:18:09,046 --> 00:18:12,300
But, Principal Ball,
you don't really want my mom to leave.
503
00:18:12,425 --> 00:18:15,177
It feels like that is what I want.
504
00:18:15,303 --> 00:18:18,514
No! I think, deep down,
you have affection for her.
505
00:18:18,639 --> 00:18:20,391
And you share the same goal,
506
00:18:20,516 --> 00:18:22,852
making sure every kid
who passes through this place
507
00:18:22,977 --> 00:18:24,395
gets the very best they deserve.
508
00:18:24,687 --> 00:18:25,813
I suppose.
509
00:18:25,938 --> 00:18:29,442
But she just makes it so
darn difficult sometimes.
510
00:18:29,567 --> 00:18:31,861
But all of you have benefited
from having her here,
511
00:18:31,986 --> 00:18:33,821
from the shiny, new urinals
512
00:18:33,946 --> 00:18:36,016
to safer parking lots
513
00:18:36,490 --> 00:18:38,826
to teachers who care deeply.
514
00:18:38,943 --> 00:18:42,864
She's made this school, and you, better.
515
00:18:44,206 --> 00:18:45,833
Well, she did fight for me to win
516
00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:47,251
the Educator of the Year Award,
517
00:18:47,376 --> 00:18:50,004
which is usually just a beauty contest.
518
00:18:50,129 --> 00:18:52,590
And she always checks
the dates on the cans I open.
519
00:18:52,715 --> 00:18:54,675
I mean, who does that?
520
00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:57,261
She got me chalk when
I asked you for chalk
521
00:18:57,386 --> 00:18:59,805
and you said to go to
the "chalk-o-late factory,"
522
00:18:59,930 --> 00:19:02,183
but you didn't really tell me
where the chalk was.
523
00:19:02,308 --> 00:19:04,769
(LAUGHING) Yeah.
Oh, just come back to me later.
524
00:19:05,644 --> 00:19:07,271
You know I'm your biggest champion.
525
00:19:07,396 --> 00:19:08,814
PRINCIPAL BALL: Enough!
526
00:19:08,939 --> 00:19:10,691
I will meet you halfway.
527
00:19:10,816 --> 00:19:14,253
Will you just back off a tad?
528
00:19:14,362 --> 00:19:15,404
No.
529
00:19:15,529 --> 00:19:16,655
No?
530
00:19:16,781 --> 00:19:19,784
If I do, then the kids
won't get what they need.
531
00:19:19,909 --> 00:19:22,119
Damn it! Fine.
532
00:19:22,370 --> 00:19:23,829
I guess we can both stay.
533
00:19:23,954 --> 00:19:25,748
(GASPS) Ahh!
534
00:19:25,873 --> 00:19:28,292
Oh, you want me! You really want me!
535
00:19:28,417 --> 00:19:30,711
Best assembly ever.
536
00:19:30,836 --> 00:19:32,088
ADULT ADAM: As two important pieces
537
00:19:32,213 --> 00:19:33,923
of the William Penn puzzle
came together,
538
00:19:34,048 --> 00:19:36,300
Geoff was left to pick up the pieces.
539
00:19:36,425 --> 00:19:38,302
- Dad, are you okay?
- He's fine.
540
00:19:38,427 --> 00:19:40,805
Just a headache and a pretty
good bump on the pumpkin.
541
00:19:40,930 --> 00:19:43,140
I'm so sorry this happened to you, Lou.
542
00:19:43,265 --> 00:19:44,725
You should be. This is on you.
543
00:19:44,850 --> 00:19:45,976
Excuse me?
544
00:19:46,102 --> 00:19:47,144
None of this would have happened
545
00:19:47,269 --> 00:19:48,479
if you hadn't made such a big deal
546
00:19:48,604 --> 00:19:50,106
about doing our own Sunday-night thing.
547
00:19:50,231 --> 00:19:51,732
I like being with my parents.
548
00:19:51,857 --> 00:19:52,942
I even like doing their chores.
549
00:19:53,067 --> 00:19:54,777
In your face, Erica.
550
00:19:54,902 --> 00:19:56,654
But it's also on both of you.
551
00:19:56,779 --> 00:19:57,780
What are you saying?
552
00:19:57,905 --> 00:19:59,573
I love you guys so much, but sometimes,
553
00:19:59,698 --> 00:20:00,741
you take advantage of me.
554
00:20:00,866 --> 00:20:02,451
Now whose face is it in?
555
00:20:02,576 --> 00:20:04,245
I suppose we do take advantage,
556
00:20:04,370 --> 00:20:05,621
but it's just that we love spending time
557
00:20:05,753 --> 00:20:07,046
with our sweet boy.
558
00:20:07,164 --> 00:20:09,117
- We all do.
- (BELINDA CARLISLE'S MAD ABOUT YOU PLAYS)
559
00:20:09,218 --> 00:20:11,252
Look, there's no reason
that we can't compromise.
560
00:20:11,369 --> 00:20:14,747
Some Sunday nights we'll be at home,
and some, we'll be here.
561
00:20:16,632 --> 00:20:17,967
And you're okay with that?
562
00:20:18,092 --> 00:20:20,052
If it's with you, definitely.
563
00:20:20,177 --> 00:20:23,097
Can we watch something
besides Geoff just doing chores?
564
00:20:23,222 --> 00:20:24,682
What else do you have in mind?
565
00:20:24,807 --> 00:20:26,596
We'll think of something... Together.
566
00:20:26,689 --> 00:20:28,936
♪ I'm mad about you... ♪
567
00:20:29,061 --> 00:20:31,689
ADULT ADAM: Marriage
is a push and a pull,
568
00:20:31,814 --> 00:20:34,191
just like all relationships.
569
00:20:34,316 --> 00:20:35,943
But if you and the important
people in your life
570
00:20:36,068 --> 00:20:37,987
remember that you want
the same things...
571
00:20:38,112 --> 00:20:39,182
♪ Mad about you... ♪
572
00:20:39,283 --> 00:20:41,532
...you'll always feel like
you're in the right place.
573
00:20:41,657 --> 00:20:42,908
What are you? Morton Downey?
574
00:20:43,033 --> 00:20:45,828
Are we supposed to believe
those adult gentlemen are boys?
575
00:20:45,953 --> 00:20:46,871
BOTH: Yep.
576
00:20:46,996 --> 00:20:48,789
- I love it!
- (LAUGHTER)
577
00:20:48,914 --> 00:20:50,875
♪ You and I ♪
578
00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:53,002
♪ Something 'bout you ♪
579
00:20:53,752 --> 00:20:54,837
There they are.
580
00:20:54,962 --> 00:20:57,298
We just came to give you
our laundry. Extra softener.
581
00:20:57,423 --> 00:20:58,340
I like my towels buttery.
582
00:20:58,466 --> 00:20:59,717
I heard you've been
583
00:20:59,842 --> 00:21:01,760
spending Sundays with the Schwartzes.
584
00:21:01,886 --> 00:21:03,637
And I wanted to grab a day,
585
00:21:03,762 --> 00:21:06,056
so say hello to Tuesdays
with my Schmoos Day.
586
00:21:06,182 --> 00:21:07,725
Ooh! What fun wordplay.
587
00:21:07,850 --> 00:21:10,102
And by the heat of Erica's glare,
I'm disengaging now.
588
00:21:10,227 --> 00:21:11,687
Then it's Momtober Fest,
589
00:21:11,812 --> 00:21:15,691
a 31-day celebration
of my affection for you.
590
00:21:15,816 --> 00:21:17,568
I'm gonna be out of town
all of Momtober.
591
00:21:17,693 --> 00:21:18,527
- What?
- (CLEARS THROAT) Yeah.
592
00:21:18,652 --> 00:21:20,738
You can't say no to Friday Fry Day,
593
00:21:20,863 --> 00:21:22,698
where I will deep-fry anything you want.
594
00:21:22,823 --> 00:21:24,783
- Hear my word. No.
- Even vegetables?
45469
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