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1
00:00:03,481 --> 00:00:08,269
-Next case, The City of New York
vs. Captain James T. Kush.
2
00:00:08,312 --> 00:00:10,227
He was arrested for growing
and selling marijuana
3
00:00:10,271 --> 00:00:11,881
on his charter boat.
4
00:00:11,924 --> 00:00:13,448
-Hold on.
5
00:00:13,491 --> 00:00:16,320
Yes, this is the least
surprised I've ever been.
6
00:00:16,364 --> 00:00:19,410
-Your Honor, my client
runs a respectable business
7
00:00:19,454 --> 00:00:23,327
beloved by college students,
Deadheads,
8
00:00:23,371 --> 00:00:26,243
and Woody Harrelson.
9
00:00:26,287 --> 00:00:30,421
-Plus, Your Excellency,
I was in international waters.
10
00:00:30,465 --> 00:00:34,338
My only judge should be the sea.
11
00:00:34,382 --> 00:00:36,862
-Um, you were in the East River.
12
00:00:36,906 --> 00:00:39,865
That's not international
or water.
13
00:00:39,909 --> 00:00:41,867
Still, though, felony
drug trafficking
14
00:00:41,911 --> 00:00:43,739
seems a little steep.
15
00:00:43,782 --> 00:00:46,437
Uh, Counselor, do you know why
the DA's office went so harsh?
16
00:00:46,481 --> 00:00:48,309
-Hmm? Oh, absolutely,
17
00:00:48,352 --> 00:00:50,963
I am listening.
18
00:00:51,007 --> 00:00:53,270
-The court chooses to let
the defendant off with a fine
19
00:00:53,314 --> 00:00:56,143
and a stern "don't ye be growin'
any more cannabis
20
00:00:56,186 --> 00:00:59,407
on yer vessel, argh."
21
00:00:59,450 --> 00:01:01,452
-Okay, dude,
a piece of advice --
22
00:01:01,496 --> 00:01:03,150
Cheetos are not a deodorant.
23
00:01:07,719 --> 00:01:09,330
-Olivia, you feeling okay?
24
00:01:09,373 --> 00:01:10,635
I mean, I know
you don't like being here,
25
00:01:10,679 --> 00:01:13,856
but tonight it actually shows.
26
00:01:13,899 --> 00:01:15,814
-It's hard to care
about these other cases
27
00:01:15,858 --> 00:01:17,555
when Eli Bettencourt
is over there.
28
00:01:17,599 --> 00:01:20,558
-Wait, Eli Bettencourt?
Is here? Tonight?
29
00:01:20,602 --> 00:01:23,692
Who is that?
30
00:01:23,735 --> 00:01:25,346
-He's the one with the nurse.
31
00:01:25,389 --> 00:01:27,435
He's one of the city's
biggest political power brokers.
32
00:01:27,478 --> 00:01:28,827
And luckily for me,
he was assaulted
33
00:01:28,871 --> 00:01:30,525
on his way home from dinner.
34
00:01:30,568 --> 00:01:32,353
If I win, I'll gain
his undying gratitude
35
00:01:32,396 --> 00:01:34,398
and be on my way to becoming
the first classically hot
36
00:01:34,442 --> 00:01:37,009
Supreme Court Justice.
37
00:01:37,053 --> 00:01:38,663
Well, u-unless you count
Earl Warren.
38
00:01:38,707 --> 00:01:40,752
-Ooh, he was a smoke show.
39
00:01:43,494 --> 00:01:46,715
-Now, if you'll excuse me,
destiny awaits.
40
00:01:48,847 --> 00:01:51,502
-Your Honor, District Attorney
Jeff Dewitt,
41
00:01:51,545 --> 00:01:53,374
representing New York City
42
00:01:53,417 --> 00:01:56,377
and my dear friend
Eli Bettencourt.
43
00:01:56,420 --> 00:01:58,030
I'll take it from here, Alicia.
44
00:02:00,903 --> 00:02:02,687
-Well, stay positive.
45
00:02:02,731 --> 00:02:05,908
Maybe the victim in your next
case is also a power broker.
46
00:02:09,303 --> 00:02:13,002
Or maybe that giant snake
will swallow you whole.
47
00:02:13,045 --> 00:02:14,351
You just never know.
48
00:02:14,395 --> 00:02:15,657
That's Night Court, baby.
49
00:02:15,700 --> 00:02:17,137
[ Laughs ]
50
00:02:17,180 --> 00:02:24,840
♪♪
51
00:02:24,883 --> 00:02:32,587
♪♪
52
00:02:32,630 --> 00:02:35,372
-Well, if it isn't
Dan Fielding.
53
00:02:37,983 --> 00:02:39,550
So the rumors are true.
54
00:02:39,594 --> 00:02:41,944
You're a public defender now?
-Jeff Dewitt.
55
00:02:41,987 --> 00:02:45,208
I heard you drowned
on the Lehman Brothers boat.
56
00:02:45,252 --> 00:02:48,124
-You wish.
They do women and children last.
57
00:02:50,170 --> 00:02:52,084
-You two friends?
-Former colleagues.
58
00:02:52,128 --> 00:02:53,564
Jeff and I go way back.
59
00:02:53,608 --> 00:02:55,218
I used to give him advice
on how to dress.
60
00:02:55,262 --> 00:02:58,569
Obviously he's forgotten
all of it.
61
00:02:58,613 --> 00:03:01,006
-I'm actually glad you're here,
Mr. District Attorney.
62
00:03:01,050 --> 00:03:02,921
I've noticed some trends
coming out of your office
63
00:03:02,965 --> 00:03:04,271
that I'd really like
to talk to you about.
64
00:03:04,314 --> 00:03:05,359
-Too much justice?
65
00:03:05,402 --> 00:03:08,579
Up top, boom!
66
00:03:08,623 --> 00:03:11,321
No, of course, the DA's office
takes the concerns
67
00:03:11,365 --> 00:03:13,454
of a jurist like yourself
very seriously.
68
00:03:13,497 --> 00:03:15,412
Let's -- Let's get a meeting
on the books.
69
00:03:15,456 --> 00:03:17,893
-Oh, I've never had a meeting
on the books.
70
00:03:17,936 --> 00:03:19,764
I've had a meeting about books.
71
00:03:19,808 --> 00:03:21,984
Back home when they tried to ban
"Cat in the Hat"
72
00:03:22,027 --> 00:03:23,638
for being pro-mischief.
73
00:03:26,423 --> 00:03:28,991
-Care to bet on the outcome
like in the old days, Dan?
74
00:03:29,034 --> 00:03:31,515
-Sadly I'm no longer
a gambling man.
75
00:03:31,559 --> 00:03:33,213
So say 500?
76
00:03:33,256 --> 00:03:35,563
-Easy money.
She looks like a pushover.
77
00:03:35,606 --> 00:03:39,043
-Ah, sweet Jeff, you're going
to wish you died at sea.
78
00:03:39,088 --> 00:03:41,003
-Next up, The People
vs. Gil Crandall.
79
00:03:41,046 --> 00:03:43,527
-My office is charging assault
and robbery in the first degree.
80
00:03:43,571 --> 00:03:45,094
-See, this is exactly
81
00:03:45,137 --> 00:03:46,922
the kind of excessive charge
I'm talking about.
82
00:03:46,965 --> 00:03:49,185
-The fact is Mr. Bettencourt
was attacked
83
00:03:49,228 --> 00:03:54,059
for his to-go container
of hard-earned oysters.
84
00:03:54,103 --> 00:03:59,804
Gil here stole food out of this
great man's beautiful mouth.
85
00:04:01,719 --> 00:04:04,200
-Well, according to
the doorman's statement --
86
00:04:04,244 --> 00:04:07,159
-Ooh, I wonder whose side
the doorman is going to be on.
87
00:04:07,203 --> 00:04:09,031
-The two men
bumped into each other
88
00:04:09,074 --> 00:04:11,816
and Mr. Bettencourt threw
his doggie bag at the defendant,
89
00:04:11,860 --> 00:04:14,471
yelling, "Suck on that, Poor-o."
90
00:04:16,560 --> 00:04:18,345
-By the way,
I'm a cashless business now.
91
00:04:18,387 --> 00:04:20,999
I have something called Venmo.
92
00:04:21,043 --> 00:04:23,175
♪♪
93
00:04:23,219 --> 00:04:24,960
What's all this?
94
00:04:25,003 --> 00:04:27,963
-Ah, I have a meeting tomorrow
afternoon with Jeff Dewitt
95
00:04:28,006 --> 00:04:30,313
at something called
the Manhattan Heritage Club.
96
00:04:30,357 --> 00:04:32,707
-Heritage Club?
That's old New York.
97
00:04:32,750 --> 00:04:35,710
You know, it was founded in 1784
as a place to be able
98
00:04:35,753 --> 00:04:39,496
to gossip behind
Alexander Hamilton's back.
99
00:04:39,540 --> 00:04:42,107
-Well, it sounds like the
perfect place to convince Jeff
100
00:04:42,151 --> 00:04:44,371
that his office's focus
on conviction rates
101
00:04:44,414 --> 00:04:47,374
is ruining lives and not
making the city any safer.
102
00:04:47,417 --> 00:04:49,506
-And you're going to say
all those words to him?
103
00:04:49,550 --> 00:04:50,986
-Of course not.
104
00:04:51,029 --> 00:04:53,771
I also have my iPad loaded up
with pie charts.
105
00:04:53,815 --> 00:04:56,296
Ooh, do you think
I should call it a pie pad?
106
00:04:59,603 --> 00:05:01,257
-Thank God I'm here.
107
00:05:03,520 --> 00:05:08,308
You know, if you tell him what
you want, you will never get it.
108
00:05:08,351 --> 00:05:12,312
You need Dan Fielding's
three-pronged approach
109
00:05:12,355 --> 00:05:14,792
to backroom dealing.
110
00:05:14,836 --> 00:05:18,492
Alright, you start with
a few good-natured insults,
111
00:05:18,535 --> 00:05:21,538
Follow it up with a couple
of backhanded compliments, huh?
112
00:05:21,582 --> 00:05:24,193
And by that time, he's going
to be three scotches deep
113
00:05:24,236 --> 00:05:26,630
and he will tell you
what he really wants
114
00:05:26,674 --> 00:05:28,589
and then you're
in the driver's seat.
115
00:05:28,632 --> 00:05:29,633
Metaphorically speaking.
116
00:05:29,677 --> 00:05:31,287
If you're actually in a car,
117
00:05:31,331 --> 00:05:34,769
it's a whole different
set of prongs.
118
00:05:34,812 --> 00:05:37,511
-Dan, I appreciate the advice,
but I'm all good.
119
00:05:37,554 --> 00:05:39,426
This isn't some backroom deal.
120
00:05:39,469 --> 00:05:41,123
In fact, when I meet with Jeff,
121
00:05:41,166 --> 00:05:45,909
I'm going to ask for
the front-iest room they've got.
122
00:05:45,954 --> 00:05:47,869
-He's going to eat you alive.
123
00:05:53,701 --> 00:05:55,137
-Beef jerky?
124
00:05:55,180 --> 00:05:58,575
Why are you eating shame food
out in the open?
125
00:05:58,619 --> 00:06:01,186
-Eli was supposed to be
my Golden Ticket out of here.
126
00:06:01,230 --> 00:06:03,406
And then Jeff Dewitt showed up
like a fat German kid
127
00:06:03,450 --> 00:06:05,365
and snatched
my Golden Ticket away.
128
00:06:07,845 --> 00:06:10,457
-Hey, it's still a win,
as long as you're not
129
00:06:10,500 --> 00:06:12,676
one of those
four weird grandparents
130
00:06:12,720 --> 00:06:16,550
sleeping head to toe
in the living room.
131
00:06:16,593 --> 00:06:18,203
Well, at least you don't have
to waste your Saturday
132
00:06:18,247 --> 00:06:21,424
at Jeff's dumb old club
like Abby.
133
00:06:21,468 --> 00:06:24,645
-Abby got invited to
the Manhattan Heritage Club?
134
00:06:24,688 --> 00:06:26,560
The premier club for
legal elites in New York City?
135
00:06:26,603 --> 00:06:29,693
The club that I have dreamed
of joining ever since I realized
136
00:06:29,737 --> 00:06:32,392
the pure joy
of excluding people?
137
00:06:32,435 --> 00:06:34,742
If I got there, I wouldn't
have to wait for some Eli
138
00:06:34,784 --> 00:06:36,308
to get punched in the face.
139
00:06:36,352 --> 00:06:39,268
That club is crawling with rich,
punchable old men.
140
00:06:39,311 --> 00:06:42,358
-Crawling? Is that what rich
people do when we're not around?
141
00:06:42,402 --> 00:06:46,144
Do you get so much money they're
like, "I'm a baby again"?
142
00:06:47,972 --> 00:06:50,540
-That place is wasted on Abby.
She doesn't want to use
143
00:06:50,584 --> 00:06:52,324
social interaction
to advance her career.
144
00:06:52,368 --> 00:06:54,588
She just wants to be friends
with people, like a psycho,
145
00:06:54,631 --> 00:06:58,853
and unironically use terms
like -- Lady date!
146
00:06:58,896 --> 00:07:02,900
I just never get tired
of calling it that.
147
00:07:02,944 --> 00:07:04,946
-I am so glad
we're finally doing this.
148
00:07:04,989 --> 00:07:06,251
Even if the only time
you had available
149
00:07:06,295 --> 00:07:07,731
was when I had to be
at this club.
150
00:07:07,775 --> 00:07:11,518
-Uh-huh, yeah, definitely here
just for you.
151
00:07:11,561 --> 00:07:13,302
-You could help me
talk that DA talk with Jeff
152
00:07:13,345 --> 00:07:16,218
and then we can scoot off
to Color Me Mine.
153
00:07:16,261 --> 00:07:17,915
-Color me excited.
154
00:07:22,006 --> 00:07:23,617
It's everything I ever dreamed.
155
00:07:23,660 --> 00:07:25,009
There's the state's attorney.
156
00:07:25,053 --> 00:07:27,621
Oh, and the governor's
chief of staff.
157
00:07:27,664 --> 00:07:29,492
And that sugar daddy husband
from "Real Housewives"
158
00:07:29,536 --> 00:07:31,886
whose name I always forget.
-Oh, it's Bradman.
159
00:07:31,929 --> 00:07:35,977
He got his neck done, but --
but that's not important.
160
00:07:36,020 --> 00:07:38,849
No, if we can get Jeff pumped
about evidence-based
161
00:07:38,893 --> 00:07:43,680
prosecution reform,
I really feel like -- Olivia?
162
00:07:43,724 --> 00:07:45,943
-Oh, you got this, girl.
163
00:07:45,987 --> 00:07:48,424
Oh! Is that a state
comptroller I see?
164
00:07:53,690 --> 00:07:56,693
-Judge Stone, welcome.
165
00:07:56,737 --> 00:07:58,129
What do you think
of our little club?
166
00:07:58,173 --> 00:08:00,784
-Ah, it's fancy.
I'll try to resist the urge
167
00:08:00,828 --> 00:08:02,917
to pull on all the books,
looking for a secret room.
168
00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:05,136
-Please do.
169
00:08:05,180 --> 00:08:07,661
Oh, and you'll never guess
who I ran into.
170
00:08:07,704 --> 00:08:09,271
-Judge Stone.
171
00:08:09,314 --> 00:08:11,795
As I live and breathe.
172
00:08:11,839 --> 00:08:14,581
Which makes me the
healthiest person in this room.
173
00:08:17,322 --> 00:08:19,237
-Dan, if I didn't know better,
174
00:08:19,281 --> 00:08:21,109
I would think you were
checking up on me.
175
00:08:21,152 --> 00:08:23,894
-Not at all. I've been a member
of this club since the '90s.
176
00:08:23,938 --> 00:08:26,331
And I am currently up to date
on my dues,
177
00:08:26,375 --> 00:08:29,596
despite what is clearly
a clerical error!
178
00:08:30,945 --> 00:08:32,729
-Well, strap in, Jeff.
179
00:08:32,773 --> 00:08:34,948
I am about to take you
on an epic journey
180
00:08:34,991 --> 00:08:36,341
to a safer New York.
181
00:08:36,385 --> 00:08:39,823
My iPad will be
our magic carpet as we --
182
00:08:39,866 --> 00:08:41,172
Oh, it seems that someone
183
00:08:41,216 --> 00:08:44,524
snatched our magic carpet
on the subway.
184
00:08:44,567 --> 00:08:47,439
-You think someone made off
with your iPad?
185
00:08:47,483 --> 00:08:49,529
Jeff, "made off," too soon?
[Madoff]
186
00:08:54,838 --> 00:08:56,057
Gentle ribbing.
187
00:08:56,100 --> 00:08:57,493
Prong one.
188
00:08:57,537 --> 00:08:59,364
Ch-Check.
189
00:08:59,408 --> 00:09:01,758
♪♪
190
00:09:01,802 --> 00:09:04,413
-Sorry to drag you down here
on your weekend, Gurgs.
191
00:09:04,456 --> 00:09:08,591
-Well, make it quick. Saturdays
are when I work on my novel.
192
00:09:08,635 --> 00:09:10,462
I just got to the twist.
193
00:09:10,506 --> 00:09:13,814
They were on a submarine
the whole time!
194
00:09:13,857 --> 00:09:15,859
-Whoa!
195
00:09:15,903 --> 00:09:17,992
-And there's a character
based on you.
196
00:09:18,035 --> 00:09:21,299
-What?
-But he dies like right away.
197
00:09:21,343 --> 00:09:22,823
Or does he?
198
00:09:22,866 --> 00:09:23,998
He does!
199
00:09:24,041 --> 00:09:26,957
[ Laughs ]
200
00:09:27,001 --> 00:09:29,351
So, what's Abby got you doing?
201
00:09:29,394 --> 00:09:31,179
-She wanted me to pick up
copies of her research
202
00:09:31,222 --> 00:09:33,355
to take to some snooty club.
203
00:09:33,398 --> 00:09:34,574
If they'll even let me in.
204
00:09:34,617 --> 00:09:36,140
-Alright, Neil,
205
00:09:36,184 --> 00:09:38,969
I'm tired of watching you
mope around about Abby.
206
00:09:39,013 --> 00:09:40,580
She's your boss
and she's engaged.
207
00:09:40,623 --> 00:09:42,016
It's not going to happen.
208
00:09:42,059 --> 00:09:45,236
But if you want to stand
a chance with any woman,
209
00:09:45,280 --> 00:09:46,760
you know what you need to do?
210
00:09:46,803 --> 00:09:48,631
-Hope your book gets big
and people recognize me
211
00:09:48,675 --> 00:09:51,415
as the cool guy
that dies in the beginning?
212
00:09:51,460 --> 00:09:54,158
-I didn't say cool.
213
00:09:54,202 --> 00:09:56,378
You need to build up
some confidence.
214
00:09:56,421 --> 00:09:57,509
Change your clothes, Neil.
215
00:09:57,553 --> 00:09:59,250
We're going clubbing.
216
00:09:59,294 --> 00:10:02,123
-Can I still wear comfy shoes?
-No, you may not.
217
00:10:07,258 --> 00:10:08,520
-Okay, my
presentation materials
218
00:10:08,564 --> 00:10:09,870
are running a little bit late,
219
00:10:09,913 --> 00:10:11,872
but I think
we should just dive in.
220
00:10:11,915 --> 00:10:13,613
My first slide was a word cloud
221
00:10:13,656 --> 00:10:15,397
which I will now describe
from memory.
222
00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:17,051
[ Cellphone ringtone playing ]
223
00:10:17,094 --> 00:10:19,227
-Oh, sorry, I got to take this.
224
00:10:19,270 --> 00:10:20,750
Hold on!
225
00:10:20,794 --> 00:10:22,012
It's my investment guy.
226
00:10:22,056 --> 00:10:24,058
If I don't answer,
he goes rogue.
227
00:10:24,101 --> 00:10:27,975
Last time, he went all in on
Theranos after the documentary.
228
00:10:28,018 --> 00:10:29,672
What?!
229
00:10:29,716 --> 00:10:31,021
-Hurry back.
I'll get us some steaks,
230
00:10:31,065 --> 00:10:32,675
a couple scotches.
-Oh, I can't.
231
00:10:32,719 --> 00:10:35,025
I'm seeing a nurse. She's got me
down to two steaks a day.
232
00:10:36,679 --> 00:10:39,464
-Dan, what are you doing?
I told you I got this.
233
00:10:39,508 --> 00:10:41,728
-Yes, I know.
No, I'm just helping.
234
00:10:41,771 --> 00:10:44,165
Look, these guys are trickier
than the cow tippers
235
00:10:44,208 --> 00:10:47,124
and Jet-Ski hooligans
you dealt with upstate.
236
00:10:47,168 --> 00:10:49,518
-We have some tough customers
back home.
237
00:10:49,561 --> 00:10:52,608
Biff Cratchit, Wink Honeycrisp,
Colonel Ciderman.
238
00:10:52,652 --> 00:10:54,479
-Okay, fine, fine, fine,
I don't need a rundown
239
00:10:54,523 --> 00:10:56,612
of the corn crime all-stars.
240
00:10:56,656 --> 00:10:58,440
I've known this guy for 30 years
241
00:10:58,483 --> 00:11:00,050
and you're not going to get
any traction with him
242
00:11:00,094 --> 00:11:03,140
until you figure out
what it is he wants from you.
243
00:11:03,184 --> 00:11:05,665
-I don't know. I think
I could sell him on this.
244
00:11:05,708 --> 00:11:07,318
People can change.
You changed.
245
00:11:07,362 --> 00:11:09,364
-Yeah, but I'm incredible.
246
00:11:11,366 --> 00:11:15,413
-Well, we're
sticking with coal!
247
00:11:15,457 --> 00:11:18,982
-Jeff, I think word clouds
can be a little abstract.
248
00:11:19,026 --> 00:11:20,462
Let's get concrete.
249
00:11:20,505 --> 00:11:22,594
Your policies
affect real people.
250
00:11:22,638 --> 00:11:24,161
-You know what, though, Abby,
I think, you know,
251
00:11:24,205 --> 00:11:26,337
maybe our friend
would rather talk
252
00:11:26,381 --> 00:11:28,949
about how you could
fast-track his cases
253
00:11:28,992 --> 00:11:32,213
or go easy on his buddies,
huh, huh, huh?
254
00:11:32,256 --> 00:11:35,303
Get him a restraining order
against all children.
255
00:11:38,262 --> 00:11:40,177
Are you winking
at any of these, Jeff?
256
00:11:40,221 --> 00:11:43,964
-Actually, I'm not into
horse trading anymore.
257
00:11:44,007 --> 00:11:47,097
Unless you have an actual
horse you -- you want to trade.
258
00:11:47,141 --> 00:11:50,535
I have got one I am dying
to get rid of.
259
00:11:50,579 --> 00:11:53,800
-So, no meat, no horse trading.
260
00:11:53,843 --> 00:11:55,889
You've changed.
261
00:11:55,932 --> 00:11:57,717
-That's interesting.
262
00:11:57,760 --> 00:11:59,283
Dan, should we get
something to eat?
263
00:11:59,327 --> 00:12:01,372
I hear the crow here
is excellent.
264
00:12:01,416 --> 00:12:05,202
-It is. They call it field squab
and it is to die for.
265
00:12:05,246 --> 00:12:06,943
Field squab!
266
00:12:06,987 --> 00:12:10,164
♪♪
267
00:12:10,207 --> 00:12:11,861
-I can't believe you wore that.
268
00:12:11,905 --> 00:12:15,647
You look like an off-Strip
blackjack dealer.
269
00:12:15,691 --> 00:12:18,694
-Uh, I saw a guy dressed
like this in the Olympics.
270
00:12:18,738 --> 00:12:21,610
Granted, he was wearing
ice skates.
271
00:12:21,653 --> 00:12:23,960
I don't know, Gurgs. Let's just
leave the folder and go.
272
00:12:24,004 --> 00:12:27,398
-No. You need this
and you belong here.
273
00:12:27,442 --> 00:12:29,139
Remember what Tony Robbins says.
274
00:12:29,183 --> 00:12:31,751
-"Get out of my seminar, Neil,
you're bumming us out"?
275
00:12:31,794 --> 00:12:34,057
-Exactly, and we're going
to prove him wrong.
276
00:12:34,101 --> 00:12:35,406
Just follow me.
277
00:12:35,450 --> 00:12:37,931
The finest of afternoons.
278
00:12:37,974 --> 00:12:40,803
We're here to see -- Arthur!
279
00:12:40,847 --> 00:12:43,632
Arthur, is that you, old boy?
280
00:12:43,675 --> 00:12:45,329
They told me you was there.
281
00:12:48,289 --> 00:12:50,552
-I belong here.
282
00:12:50,595 --> 00:12:53,381
-Of course you do.
283
00:12:53,424 --> 00:12:55,513
Spa waters, table three.
284
00:12:55,557 --> 00:12:56,863
And put on a tie.
285
00:12:56,906 --> 00:12:58,516
No one wants to see your neck.
286
00:13:05,785 --> 00:13:08,526
-I-I just think I could
really thrive in this club.
287
00:13:08,570 --> 00:13:11,791
All I need is someone
to sponsor my membership.
288
00:13:11,834 --> 00:13:15,533
-Sorry, miss, I already
gave my one sponsorship
289
00:13:15,577 --> 00:13:17,318
to my youngest son here.
290
00:13:24,107 --> 00:13:27,023
-Well, I'll leave you
to your mush.
291
00:13:30,244 --> 00:13:32,202
-I keep all my club
clothes at work.
292
00:13:32,246 --> 00:13:35,336
Trials end, I throw this on,
show up at a club,
293
00:13:35,379 --> 00:13:38,078
and sometimes the deejay hasn't
even gotten to the drop yet.
294
00:13:38,121 --> 00:13:41,908
Everyone's waiting around like,
mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm,
295
00:13:41,951 --> 00:13:45,433
and then I show up and it's like
bwoooo, wah-wah-wah-wah!
296
00:13:45,476 --> 00:13:47,827
[ Laughs ]
297
00:13:47,870 --> 00:13:50,830
Olivia, what are you doing here?
298
00:13:50,873 --> 00:13:52,614
-What am I doing here?
299
00:13:52,657 --> 00:13:54,529
I capitalized on a woman's
desperate need for friendship.
300
00:13:54,572 --> 00:13:56,270
What are you doing here?
301
00:13:56,313 --> 00:13:58,794
-Oh, I was just teaching Neil
a lesson in confidence.
302
00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:00,230
-Neil's here?
303
00:14:00,274 --> 00:14:03,930
What, they just let anyone
in this dump?
304
00:14:03,973 --> 00:14:05,192
-And that's the amount
of recidivism
305
00:14:05,235 --> 00:14:06,671
reduced by this approach.
306
00:14:06,715 --> 00:14:08,108
Now, here's the point
in the presentation
307
00:14:08,151 --> 00:14:09,805
where I would've offered you
whipped cream
308
00:14:09,849 --> 00:14:12,547
to go with your pie chart,
and you would've loved it.
309
00:14:12,590 --> 00:14:15,811
-Well, I got to tell you,
this has been eye-opening.
310
00:14:15,855 --> 00:14:18,640
-Excuse me.
311
00:14:18,683 --> 00:14:20,424
Oh, good, someone found my iPad.
312
00:14:20,468 --> 00:14:21,817
And all I need to do
to get it back
313
00:14:21,861 --> 00:14:24,298
is answer a series of riddles.
314
00:14:24,341 --> 00:14:27,344
Excuse me.
315
00:14:27,388 --> 00:14:28,650
-So, Jeff,
you're actually interested
316
00:14:28,693 --> 00:14:30,130
in what Abby is saying?
317
00:14:30,173 --> 00:14:32,741
-Oh, I'm eating this up.
318
00:14:32,784 --> 00:14:34,351
Usually I have to bribe a nanny
319
00:14:34,395 --> 00:14:36,527
to figure out
a target's weaknesses.
320
00:14:36,571 --> 00:14:40,705
But she is handing me
all the material I need.
321
00:14:40,749 --> 00:14:44,013
-Need to improve society?
322
00:14:44,057 --> 00:14:46,189
-[ Laughing ]
323
00:14:50,802 --> 00:14:53,501
No.
324
00:14:53,544 --> 00:14:55,982
To improve my chances
of getting re-elected.
325
00:14:56,025 --> 00:14:57,722
I've been looking for
a soft-on-crime judge
326
00:14:57,766 --> 00:15:00,073
to be the face of everything
destroying New York City,
327
00:15:00,116 --> 00:15:04,381
and she is
the perfect scapegoat.
328
00:15:04,425 --> 00:15:08,081
-Third scotch, third prong,
system works.
329
00:15:13,782 --> 00:15:16,045
-Abby, the third scotch worked.
330
00:15:16,089 --> 00:15:18,134
He wants a scapegoat
for the next election
331
00:15:18,178 --> 00:15:20,093
and it's going to be you.
332
00:15:20,136 --> 00:15:21,398
So now we know what he wants.
333
00:15:21,442 --> 00:15:22,834
We can use it against him.
334
00:15:22,878 --> 00:15:24,314
-I don't want any
more prongs, Dan.
335
00:15:24,358 --> 00:15:25,968
-No, no, no, no, no,
we're done with prongs.
336
00:15:26,012 --> 00:15:27,100
We're into phases.
337
00:15:27,143 --> 00:15:29,537
Now, phase one has five prongs.
338
00:15:29,580 --> 00:15:31,626
-Dan, stop it.
I want to change things
339
00:15:31,669 --> 00:15:33,367
and I'm not going to do that
by playing the same games
340
00:15:33,410 --> 00:15:36,283
you've all been playing
since the wall-deer had bodies.
341
00:15:36,326 --> 00:15:37,762
-I don't want you to get hurt.
342
00:15:37,806 --> 00:15:40,591
-Thank you, but I got this.
343
00:15:40,635 --> 00:15:42,637
I want to do things my way.
344
00:15:42,680 --> 00:15:45,118
-I understand.
Enjoy your Shirley Temple.
345
00:15:45,161 --> 00:15:46,554
-Sherlock Temple.
346
00:15:46,597 --> 00:15:50,427
They don't have drinks
named after women.
347
00:15:50,471 --> 00:15:54,388
-That's why I haven't
paid my dues.
348
00:15:54,431 --> 00:15:56,781
You should all be ashamed
of yourselves.
349
00:15:59,871 --> 00:16:02,613
-Rough day?
-Yeah, it's been --
350
00:16:02,657 --> 00:16:03,745
Neil, what is happening?
351
00:16:03,788 --> 00:16:05,486
Why are you bartending?
352
00:16:05,529 --> 00:16:06,748
-Well, I came to bring you
that folder,
353
00:16:06,791 --> 00:16:08,576
which I'm realizing I never did.
354
00:16:08,619 --> 00:16:11,796
They thought I was a waiter,
so I said, "This isn't my job,"
355
00:16:11,840 --> 00:16:14,756
confidently, and they
promoted me to bartender.
356
00:16:14,799 --> 00:16:16,584
It's actually
very fulfilling work.
357
00:16:16,627 --> 00:16:17,889
People want my attention.
358
00:16:17,933 --> 00:16:20,370
They ask for my advice.
It's nice.
359
00:16:20,414 --> 00:16:23,547
So care to pour me a story?
360
00:16:25,288 --> 00:16:28,074
-Just things seemed so much
simpler upstate.
361
00:16:28,117 --> 00:16:31,164
People here seem
to have an agenda.
362
00:16:31,207 --> 00:16:33,470
-I've lived a lot
of lives today.
363
00:16:33,514 --> 00:16:34,776
And if there's one thing
I've learned,
364
00:16:34,819 --> 00:16:38,258
it's that people
are the same everywhere.
365
00:16:38,301 --> 00:16:41,174
Some are just lousy tippers.
366
00:16:41,217 --> 00:16:45,178
-Wow, Neil,
that's really profound.
367
00:16:45,221 --> 00:16:48,224
[ Loud jingling ]
368
00:16:48,268 --> 00:16:51,010
That ice is really loud!
369
00:16:51,053 --> 00:16:52,794
-Oh, I don't know
where the ice is.
370
00:16:52,837 --> 00:16:56,972
I just put my keys in here
and I shake them up for show.
371
00:16:57,016 --> 00:16:59,409
If someone wants a cocktail,
I just recommend a scotch.
372
00:16:59,453 --> 00:17:01,020
[ Chuckles ]
373
00:17:01,063 --> 00:17:04,545
I tell them "it's peaty."
374
00:17:04,588 --> 00:17:07,374
-Peaty.
-It means smoky.
375
00:17:07,416 --> 00:17:08,505
Look, it's Scottish swamp juice.
376
00:17:08,549 --> 00:17:10,637
I don't know why people like it.
377
00:17:10,681 --> 00:17:11,813
-Petey -- That's it.
378
00:17:11,856 --> 00:17:14,294
Jeff is a corn crime all-star.
379
00:17:14,337 --> 00:17:16,773
And I know just the person
who can help me prove it.
380
00:17:16,818 --> 00:17:19,386
-Eh, not going to help you.
381
00:17:19,429 --> 00:17:21,866
-Can you just tell me if my
suspicions about Jeff are right?
382
00:17:21,910 --> 00:17:24,694
-Uh, no,
because if they are true,
383
00:17:24,739 --> 00:17:28,047
maybe I confront Jeff
and he gets me into this club.
384
00:17:28,089 --> 00:17:29,831
-Why do you want to be a part
of this club anyway?
385
00:17:29,874 --> 00:17:31,006
You're better than this place.
386
00:17:31,050 --> 00:17:32,529
-You think I don't know that?
387
00:17:32,573 --> 00:17:34,270
I hate this place
and everything it stands for.
388
00:17:34,314 --> 00:17:36,055
The people are jerks,
it smells like gravy,
389
00:17:36,098 --> 00:17:37,621
and eight different men
came up to me
390
00:17:37,665 --> 00:17:39,884
and asked me who my husband
told me to vote for.
391
00:17:42,670 --> 00:17:45,542
If you want to get ahead,
this is where you have to be.
392
00:17:45,586 --> 00:17:48,763
-Blackmailing Jeff to get into
this club is not the dream.
393
00:17:48,806 --> 00:17:50,895
You using your drive
and intelligence
394
00:17:50,939 --> 00:17:53,333
to rise to a position of power
where all the Jeffs
395
00:17:53,376 --> 00:17:56,858
wants to blackmail you,
that's the real dream.
396
00:17:56,901 --> 00:17:58,599
-You really think
that could happen for me?
397
00:17:58,642 --> 00:18:01,863
-Stick with me and one day
people will be lining up
398
00:18:01,906 --> 00:18:03,560
to ruin your life.
399
00:18:06,563 --> 00:18:08,609
Alright, Jeff Dewitt,
let's talk!
400
00:18:08,652 --> 00:18:10,176
Damn it, why'd that
have to be a curtain?
401
00:18:10,219 --> 00:18:11,568
I just feel like I just stormed
into a shower.
402
00:18:11,612 --> 00:18:13,396
-No, it worked.
Keep going.
403
00:18:15,790 --> 00:18:19,054
-Let me tell you about a little
scandal that happened upstate.
404
00:18:19,098 --> 00:18:21,709
You see, Biff Cratchit always
won the Squash Art
405
00:18:21,752 --> 00:18:23,754
competition at the county fair,
but that's only because
406
00:18:23,798 --> 00:18:26,496
Petey Gooster always gave him
his best squash every year.
407
00:18:26,540 --> 00:18:28,672
But the year that Biff
finally lost was the year
408
00:18:28,716 --> 00:18:31,501
that Petey found out that
Biff was sleeping with his wife.
409
00:18:31,545 --> 00:18:35,288
After that, Biff never
won anything ever again.
410
00:18:35,331 --> 00:18:38,508
-Well, I like a carnival sex
yarn as much as the next man.
411
00:18:38,552 --> 00:18:42,469
But what the hell does any
of that have to do with me?
412
00:18:42,512 --> 00:18:45,254
-You let it slip earlier
that you're dating a nurse.
413
00:18:45,298 --> 00:18:46,734
And in court the other day,
414
00:18:46,777 --> 00:18:50,216
I saw you making
a flirty face at Eli's nurse,
415
00:18:50,259 --> 00:18:52,435
who I also learned is his wife.
416
00:18:52,479 --> 00:18:55,134
-And his daughter's
former roommate.
417
00:18:55,177 --> 00:18:58,093
Gross.
418
00:18:58,137 --> 00:18:59,529
-I think you're having
an affair
419
00:18:59,573 --> 00:19:01,662
with your biggest campaign
donor's wife.
420
00:19:01,705 --> 00:19:03,185
And if that comes out,
just like old Biff,
421
00:19:03,229 --> 00:19:04,926
you're going to lose
your squash daddy,
422
00:19:04,969 --> 00:19:08,582
and that squash for you
is 800K every election cycle.
423
00:19:08,625 --> 00:19:10,236
-Nice story.
424
00:19:10,279 --> 00:19:11,802
You can't prove it.
425
00:19:11,846 --> 00:19:14,370
-Ooh, but I can.
426
00:19:14,414 --> 00:19:16,851
Remember that Eli Bettencourt
case you stole from me?
427
00:19:16,894 --> 00:19:18,548
Well, I called every witness,
428
00:19:18,592 --> 00:19:21,595
but his wife wasn't one of them
because she was here.
429
00:19:21,638 --> 00:19:23,292
"With a friend."
430
00:19:23,336 --> 00:19:25,381
-A friend that Neil's
new co-workers
431
00:19:25,425 --> 00:19:28,428
at a job he doesn't really have
confirmed was you.
432
00:19:28,471 --> 00:19:31,518
And I heard that you two were
in a back room doing face stuff.
433
00:19:31,561 --> 00:19:32,606
-Just say kissing.
434
00:19:32,649 --> 00:19:34,651
-Got it.
435
00:19:34,695 --> 00:19:38,438
-Well, that is a large pile
of dirt you have there.
436
00:19:38,481 --> 00:19:39,787
What do you want?
437
00:19:39,830 --> 00:19:42,224
-Oh, same thing
I've always wanted.
438
00:19:42,268 --> 00:19:44,966
For you to take
this research to heart
439
00:19:45,009 --> 00:19:47,621
and effect some positive change.
440
00:19:47,664 --> 00:19:49,666
-I don't know what your game is.
441
00:19:49,710 --> 00:19:51,451
-No game. Games are your thing.
442
00:19:51,494 --> 00:19:53,801
I'm just sharing information.
443
00:19:53,844 --> 00:19:55,672
-So am I being blackmailed
or not?!
444
00:19:55,716 --> 00:19:59,241
This is really unnerving!
445
00:19:59,285 --> 00:20:01,374
I'm going to read
the whole thing, I promise!
446
00:20:01,417 --> 00:20:05,247
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
so, are -- are -- are we cool?
447
00:20:05,291 --> 00:20:07,206
-Oh, and, um,
you guys might want to find
448
00:20:07,249 --> 00:20:08,685
a different place to hang out.
449
00:20:08,729 --> 00:20:10,948
Yeah, turns out that
this club is in violation
450
00:20:10,992 --> 00:20:12,602
of all kinds
of different codes,
451
00:20:12,646 --> 00:20:15,779
so expect a fun little visit
from people in jackets.
452
00:20:15,823 --> 00:20:17,607
[ Laughs ]
453
00:20:17,651 --> 00:20:19,696
-Up top, boom!
-Up top, boom!
454
00:20:21,176 --> 00:20:24,484
♪♪
455
00:20:24,527 --> 00:20:26,268
-Turns out
I'm much more comfortable
456
00:20:26,312 --> 00:20:30,707
in a place where I am by far
the most successful person.
457
00:20:30,751 --> 00:20:33,971
-So, you decided to go
with blackmail after all?
458
00:20:34,015 --> 00:20:36,060
-Absolutely not.
He just thought I did
459
00:20:36,104 --> 00:20:38,149
because that's
how he does things.
460
00:20:38,193 --> 00:20:40,630
And as you said,
he hasn't changed in 30 years.
461
00:20:40,674 --> 00:20:44,199
-You know why?
-Because he's not incredible?
462
00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:47,202
-Well, yeah, but
463
00:20:47,246 --> 00:20:49,900
also he doesn't have anyone
464
00:20:49,944 --> 00:20:52,903
in his life to make him better.
465
00:20:52,947 --> 00:20:57,038
Like my late wife
or your father.
466
00:20:57,081 --> 00:21:00,563
Or you.
467
00:21:00,607 --> 00:21:03,044
-Cocktail, m'lady?
-No, thank you.
468
00:21:03,087 --> 00:21:05,786
I don't drink.
-Neat.
469
00:21:10,269 --> 00:21:13,272
So glad I spent $600
on bartending stuff.
470
00:21:15,404 --> 00:21:18,494
[ Key clinks ]
471
00:21:18,538 --> 00:21:20,583
-Why does this drink
have a key in it?
34259
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