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1
00:01:34,500 --> 00:01:38,042
Flu epidemic at peak. Paper.
2
00:01:38,333 --> 00:01:42,042
Thousands away from work. Paper.
3
00:01:44,292 --> 00:01:46,667
His mudguard smashed against
my hand. Like this.
4
00:01:46,708 --> 00:01:49,167
Constable, this is really
important. Of national importance.
5
00:01:49,333 --> 00:01:51,416
Now just a moment please.
You say it's your right
6
00:01:51,417 --> 00:01:53,249
you were walking with
your back to the car?
7
00:01:53,250 --> 00:01:54,916
- Well, what if I was?
- You shouldn't have been.
8
00:01:54,917 --> 00:01:56,184
Always face the oncoming traffic.
9
00:01:56,208 --> 00:01:57,832
It was dangerous
driving just the same,
10
00:01:57,833 --> 00:01:59,292
and I'd like to
report... sedition.
11
00:01:59,667 --> 00:02:01,708
Just a minute, all of you.
12
00:02:01,750 --> 00:02:05,791
Six down with flu now.
Difficult days, sergeant?
13
00:02:05,792 --> 00:02:08,541
Yes, sir, very difficult
for some of us.
14
00:02:08,542 --> 00:02:11,458
What do you mean, some of us?
Difficult for all of us, in'it.
15
00:02:11,500 --> 00:02:14,375
Well for those of us
who has to carry on.
16
00:02:14,417 --> 00:02:17,042
It can't be difficult
for those who have flu.
17
00:02:17,083 --> 00:02:18,916
They're in bed in
the section house.
18
00:02:18,917 --> 00:02:20,750
I don't get your
meaning, sergeant.
19
00:02:20,792 --> 00:02:23,082
All I'm saying is, that
these are difficult
20
00:02:23,083 --> 00:02:24,917
times for those of
us who have flu.
21
00:02:24,958 --> 00:02:26,666
No, you said these are difficult
22
00:02:26,667 --> 00:02:28,667
times for those of
us who haven't...
23
00:02:28,708 --> 00:02:30,041
Who haven't got flu.
Yes, you're right.
24
00:02:30,042 --> 00:02:31,333
Yes. I'm sorry... anyway look...
25
00:02:31,375 --> 00:02:33,957
There's too much arguing goes on
here and it's bad for discipline.
26
00:02:33,958 --> 00:02:35,957
And discipline has been bad
in this station lately.
27
00:02:35,958 --> 00:02:39,375
Now, I've warned you once, haven't
I. I shan't warn you again.
28
00:02:39,417 --> 00:02:43,417
Yes, sir, this time
it's final... again.
29
00:02:45,250 --> 00:02:48,042
Would you like to
see my shubunkin?
30
00:02:48,083 --> 00:02:50,875
If it'll give you
any satisfaction.
31
00:02:52,250 --> 00:02:54,291
That's him with the
three stripes up. Or
32
00:02:54,292 --> 00:02:56,249
her. What about that
plain one there?
33
00:02:56,250 --> 00:02:57,666
What the copper?
34
00:02:57,667 --> 00:03:02,125
I'm hoping that's the opposite
of what the other one was.
35
00:03:02,167 --> 00:03:04,208
Haven't got much room, have they?
36
00:03:04,250 --> 00:03:06,208
They don't need much room
you know, for, er...
37
00:03:06,250 --> 00:03:09,958
Anyway, I'm hoping to transfer
them to a garden pond.
38
00:03:10,000 --> 00:03:11,666
Who's gonna dig that for you, sir?
39
00:03:11,667 --> 00:03:12,708
I see. I am.
40
00:03:13,333 --> 00:03:14,917
Hard work never hurt
anyone, wilkie.
41
00:03:14,958 --> 00:03:17,167
Yes, I feel very well myself.
Do you. You surprise me.
42
00:03:17,500 --> 00:03:19,041
Anyway look, let's
see that my orders
43
00:03:19,042 --> 00:03:20,750
concisely given are
smartly carried out.
44
00:03:21,917 --> 00:03:23,292
Yes, sir.
45
00:03:23,333 --> 00:03:24,768
Well, go on, what are
you waiting for?
46
00:03:24,792 --> 00:03:28,166
You haven't given me an
order yet, sir. What?
47
00:03:28,167 --> 00:03:30,541
You asked me to come and see you
about the replacements, sir.
48
00:03:30,542 --> 00:03:33,957
I did? On account of
the flu epidemic, sir.
49
00:03:33,958 --> 00:03:36,541
Yes, all right, all
right, you thought
50
00:03:36,542 --> 00:03:38,499
I'd forgotten it, didn't you?
51
00:03:38,500 --> 00:03:41,625
Three temporary replacements.
52
00:03:41,833 --> 00:03:43,333
Three.
53
00:03:43,375 --> 00:03:45,332
From the police
school. Anyway, chase
54
00:03:45,333 --> 00:03:47,125
them. Show 'em what discipline is.
55
00:03:47,167 --> 00:03:48,667
After all, these men
are volunteers.
56
00:03:48,708 --> 00:03:50,416
You've only got to
start giving them half
57
00:03:50,417 --> 00:03:52,042
a rousing and they
hand in their notice.
58
00:03:52,083 --> 00:03:54,541
Well, don't argue, get on
with it. But remember my
59
00:03:54,542 --> 00:03:56,875
warning. If there's not
a change around here...
60
00:03:56,917 --> 00:04:00,708
I'm going to ask for
you to be transferred.
61
00:04:00,750 --> 00:04:04,542
Yes, sir. Thank you
very much, sir.
62
00:04:04,958 --> 00:04:06,208
What if I was?
63
00:04:06,250 --> 00:04:08,416
Well you shouldn't have been.
Always face the oncoming traffic.
64
00:04:08,417 --> 00:04:10,707
It was dangerous
driving just the same
65
00:04:10,708 --> 00:04:12,750
and I want to report... sedition.
66
00:04:13,083 --> 00:04:15,625
Well, sergeant moon,
it's happened.
67
00:04:15,667 --> 00:04:17,292
Threatened to
transfer you, has he?
68
00:04:17,333 --> 00:04:20,417
That crafty little... if you
weren't a lady, I'd say it.
69
00:04:20,458 --> 00:04:23,541
If you weren't a gentleman,
I'd expect you to.
70
00:04:23,542 --> 00:04:26,125
What a marvellous
technique he's got.
71
00:04:26,167 --> 00:04:27,999
Shove all the work onto the
sergeant. Then when it
72
00:04:28,000 --> 00:04:29,893
looks like the sergeant's
gonna' get credit for it
73
00:04:29,917 --> 00:04:32,667
chase the sergeant from
ear'oles to breakfast time,
74
00:04:32,708 --> 00:04:35,082
panic him into making
a mistake, moan to
75
00:04:35,083 --> 00:04:37,542
hq and bingo. The
sergeant's transferred.
76
00:04:37,625 --> 00:04:39,643
Sergeant Wilkins, can you
lend me a hand here please.
77
00:04:39,667 --> 00:04:41,500
Coming. Excuse me.
78
00:04:41,750 --> 00:04:43,457
Look, all I want is my
provisional driving licence.
79
00:04:43,458 --> 00:04:44,583
Post office.
80
00:04:44,625 --> 00:04:47,167
About time we had a few
purges in this country.
81
00:04:47,208 --> 00:04:49,292
I was here before him.
82
00:04:49,333 --> 00:04:51,499
It's my neighbour's
radio. He plays it too
83
00:04:51,500 --> 00:04:53,583
loud. Drives me crackers.
What can I do?
84
00:04:53,833 --> 00:04:55,332
Move. Next. Stick it, thurston.
85
00:04:55,333 --> 00:04:58,167
Relief's coming.
Replacements, sergeant?
86
00:04:58,792 --> 00:05:05,250
Three. Three keen, alert, helpful
raring-to-go constables. I hope.
87
00:05:15,958 --> 00:05:18,917
Hurry up. It's
nearly closing time.
88
00:05:18,958 --> 00:05:21,042
Good afternoon.
89
00:05:28,875 --> 00:05:33,333
Just a moment. Could you possibly
direct me to the police station?
90
00:05:33,375 --> 00:05:36,792
Certainly. Just cross over and
it's up there on the left.
91
00:05:37,125 --> 00:05:39,624
Thanks awfully. I'm
round new here.
92
00:05:39,625 --> 00:05:41,667
So sorry to have delayed you.
93
00:05:41,708 --> 00:05:44,375
That's quite all right.
94
00:05:48,042 --> 00:05:49,541
Any luck? Rather.
95
00:05:49,542 --> 00:05:53,917
Thank goodness. All this trampling
about. My feet are killing me.
96
00:05:54,167 --> 00:05:57,167
What a nice fellow. He
said it's this way.
97
00:06:00,958 --> 00:06:02,458
Now what?
98
00:06:02,500 --> 00:06:05,833
A cross-eyed man
crossing our path.
99
00:06:05,875 --> 00:06:08,291
Cor. Shocking bad luck.
100
00:06:08,292 --> 00:06:10,875
Utter twaddle. Primitive
superstition.
101
00:06:11,167 --> 00:06:13,957
You may sneer if you
wish, Benson, but I
102
00:06:13,958 --> 00:06:16,750
know that cosmic
forces rule our lives.
103
00:06:16,792 --> 00:06:20,582
And a cross-eyed man, seen when
the moon is in its third quarter,
104
00:06:20,583 --> 00:06:24,417
it's just about the worst
omen there is, that is.
105
00:06:24,458 --> 00:06:26,374
It means two misfortunes.
106
00:06:26,375 --> 00:06:29,207
You can tempt fate
if you like mate,
107
00:06:29,208 --> 00:06:32,083
but I'm not crossing
this road here.
108
00:06:37,250 --> 00:06:39,917
That's one misfortune.
109
00:06:47,083 --> 00:06:49,208
That's two misfortunes.
110
00:06:49,250 --> 00:06:51,958
All right, we can cross now.
111
00:06:52,958 --> 00:06:55,250
Thanks, chaps.
112
00:07:16,125 --> 00:07:19,041
I'll have a constable
to you right away.
113
00:07:19,042 --> 00:07:21,917
Why? Want to make a
male-voice quartet?
114
00:07:22,375 --> 00:07:24,250
Ssh.
115
00:07:24,417 --> 00:07:27,375
Sergeant. It's our replacements.
116
00:07:29,417 --> 00:07:32,500
Welcome. Welcome.
117
00:07:33,375 --> 00:07:35,416
What a lovely sight, thurston?
118
00:07:35,417 --> 00:07:37,167
Not half, sergeant.
119
00:07:37,208 --> 00:07:38,916
At ease, at ease.
120
00:07:38,917 --> 00:07:40,957
I'm Benson. This is
constable Potter
121
00:07:40,958 --> 00:07:42,749
and this is constable constable.
122
00:07:45,167 --> 00:07:47,541
Charlie constable.
123
00:07:47,542 --> 00:07:49,917
Oh I get it, that's your name?
124
00:07:50,167 --> 00:07:54,083
Yeah, and I'm fed up with it.
Everybody keeps taking the Mickey.
125
00:07:54,292 --> 00:07:56,916
Nobody will do that here,
constable constable.
126
00:07:56,917 --> 00:08:00,792
I'm very pleased to here
it, sergeant sergeant.
127
00:08:01,958 --> 00:08:04,083
Well then let's here
all about you then.
128
00:08:04,125 --> 00:08:06,499
What delayed you then couldn't you
find your way to the station?
129
00:08:06,500 --> 00:08:07,666
That's right.
130
00:08:07,667 --> 00:08:11,042
Sense of humour? Well that's
good. You need that in this job.
131
00:08:11,083 --> 00:08:13,625
So you're just out of police
school, are you? How'd you do?
132
00:08:13,667 --> 00:08:15,917
Frightfully fit, thanks sergeant.
133
00:08:16,333 --> 00:08:17,875
No, how did you do at school?
134
00:08:17,917 --> 00:08:19,417
Horrible.
135
00:08:22,583 --> 00:08:25,457
You're pulling my leg,
aren't you? You didn't
136
00:08:25,458 --> 00:08:28,417
really do badly at school?
Tell me you didn't.
137
00:08:28,667 --> 00:08:31,208
Well sergeant, we did pass.
138
00:08:31,250 --> 00:08:33,917
Only just. In my case,
it was sheer prejudice.
139
00:08:33,958 --> 00:08:37,208
The instructors... instructors.
Hopelessly old-fashioned.
140
00:08:37,417 --> 00:08:40,333
All uniformly hostile to my
advanced forensic theories.
141
00:08:40,375 --> 00:08:43,250
That had nothing to do with it.
142
00:08:43,292 --> 00:08:46,624
Sergeant, on the
day of the finals,
143
00:08:46,625 --> 00:08:49,541
a black cat fell off the roof.
144
00:08:49,542 --> 00:08:52,708
And Mars was in conjunction
with uranus at the time.
145
00:08:52,750 --> 00:08:58,667
I ask you, sergeant. How
could we possibly do well?
146
00:08:58,708 --> 00:09:01,958
Approximately 100
trainees did very well.
147
00:09:02,250 --> 00:09:04,667
Well they must have been under
the influence of "pisces".
148
00:09:04,875 --> 00:09:06,667
Oh, "pisces" yourself.
149
00:09:06,708 --> 00:09:08,292
You septic.
150
00:09:08,333 --> 00:09:11,083
The word is sceptic,
you ignoramus.
151
00:09:11,125 --> 00:09:12,749
Boys, boys. Don't get so rattled.
152
00:09:12,750 --> 00:09:16,249
After all, exam results aren't
everything. Hear, hear.
153
00:09:16,250 --> 00:09:17,666
Hear, hear.
154
00:09:17,667 --> 00:09:20,124
You just put us on the
beat, sergeant. We'll
155
00:09:20,125 --> 00:09:22,499
show the school instructors
a thing or two.
156
00:09:22,500 --> 00:09:24,750
That's the spirit. Now
the first thing you...
157
00:09:24,792 --> 00:09:26,916
Sergeant, jewellery-shop
robbery off the main
158
00:09:26,917 --> 00:09:28,958
street. Subjects picked
up outside our area.
159
00:09:29,000 --> 00:09:30,125
Yes lovely. Get on with it.
160
00:09:30,167 --> 00:09:32,291
Sergeant, when apprehended,
they were in hysterics.
161
00:09:32,292 --> 00:09:34,333
Psychopaths. Fascinating.
162
00:09:34,542 --> 00:09:37,166
Nutcases. Very sad. When you...
163
00:09:37,167 --> 00:09:39,124
No sergeant, they was
laughing because
164
00:09:39,125 --> 00:09:41,042
they thought it was
worth a stretch...
165
00:09:41,167 --> 00:09:42,832
To be helped into their car not 20
166
00:09:42,833 --> 00:09:44,667
yards from the crime
by a constable.
167
00:09:44,708 --> 00:09:46,917
A posh talking fellow
with a little moustache.
168
00:09:46,958 --> 00:09:49,541
What'd I tell you. Nutcases.
There's no constable
169
00:09:49,542 --> 00:09:51,792
answering to that
description stationed...
170
00:09:59,417 --> 00:10:01,875
The wall-eyed man.
171
00:10:03,167 --> 00:10:04,792
What wall-eyed man?
172
00:10:04,833 --> 00:10:07,875
An omen, I knew it was an omen.
173
00:10:09,417 --> 00:10:12,625
Mark my words, Jupiter's
behind all this.
174
00:10:12,875 --> 00:10:14,583
Jupiter?
175
00:10:14,625 --> 00:10:16,292
Jupken
176
00:10:17,500 --> 00:10:19,416
- now are you convinced?
- No, I'm not.
177
00:10:19,417 --> 00:10:22,375
If you think the sight of
a cock-eyed pedestrian
178
00:10:22,417 --> 00:10:24,708
can possibly make Potter any
more congenitally stupid
179
00:10:24,750 --> 00:10:27,500
than he already is. You're
very much mistaken.
180
00:10:27,750 --> 00:10:29,666
Benson, step outside.
181
00:10:29,667 --> 00:10:32,416
Yeah, step outside. Delighted.
182
00:10:32,417 --> 00:10:34,583
Just a minute, just a
minute. Look here.
183
00:10:34,625 --> 00:10:35,666
Hello.
184
00:10:35,667 --> 00:10:36,750
Hello, gorse.
185
00:10:36,792 --> 00:10:40,375
Sorry I'm late sergeant, but I
just couldn't leave home without
186
00:10:40,417 --> 00:10:41,916
bringing something bright and gay
187
00:10:41,917 --> 00:10:43,625
for the poor
indisposed constables.
188
00:10:44,750 --> 00:10:47,707
So it was off to my
greenhouse, and with a little
189
00:10:47,708 --> 00:10:50,375
snip here, a little snip
there... snip, snip
190
00:10:50,625 --> 00:10:53,375
and here we are with my love.
191
00:10:53,417 --> 00:10:56,958
Oh, what have I said? With my
very best floral greetings.
192
00:10:57,000 --> 00:10:59,375
Thank you, gorse. Here,
do something with those.
193
00:11:00,042 --> 00:11:01,666
Now then, since you weren't
strictly on duty at
194
00:11:01,667 --> 00:11:03,207
the time of the crime,
we'll forget about it.
195
00:11:03,208 --> 00:11:05,542
A crime? Goody. Where?
196
00:11:05,792 --> 00:11:07,458
Well you see, I was
going down the road...
197
00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:08,957
I think we forget about it. I want
198
00:11:08,958 --> 00:11:10,625
you to meet special
constable gorse.
199
00:11:10,875 --> 00:11:12,416
Benson. How do you do?
200
00:11:12,417 --> 00:11:13,750
Him.
201
00:11:13,792 --> 00:11:15,083
How do you do?
202
00:11:15,125 --> 00:11:17,917
Potter. How do you do?
And how do you do?
203
00:11:18,167 --> 00:11:21,417
And now you shall all meet Bobby,
my budgie. Say hello, Bobby.
204
00:11:21,667 --> 00:11:23,667
Hello, Bobby.
205
00:11:23,917 --> 00:11:27,416
Isn't he the quaintest thing? I
just couldn't leave him behind.
206
00:11:27,417 --> 00:11:29,832
Yes well, gorse will be
working full time with us
207
00:11:29,833 --> 00:11:32,083
as from today, on account
of this flu trouble.
208
00:11:32,125 --> 00:11:33,667
You'll all sleep together.
209
00:11:33,917 --> 00:11:35,958
Charmed, I'm sure.
210
00:11:36,833 --> 00:11:38,875
Harfison.
211
00:11:43,917 --> 00:11:45,250
Yes, sergeant.
212
00:11:45,292 --> 00:11:47,625
Show these constables to
their quarters, please.
213
00:11:47,667 --> 00:11:49,667
Certainly. This way.
214
00:11:49,958 --> 00:11:51,457
With you, anywhere.
215
00:11:51,458 --> 00:11:54,166
Flu or no flu, I
take it we get some
216
00:11:54,167 --> 00:11:56,500
time off, policewoman Harrison.
217
00:11:56,708 --> 00:12:01,833
How do you like to spend it?
Cinema, dancing, or just talking?
218
00:12:02,083 --> 00:12:04,125
Ooh.
219
00:12:05,958 --> 00:12:08,667
A dog. Symbol of pluto.
220
00:12:08,958 --> 00:12:13,541
The darkest, most evil
planet of them all.
221
00:12:13,542 --> 00:12:16,208
Oh, crikey.
222
00:12:16,250 --> 00:12:18,917
Oh, dry up. What's that
animal doing here?
223
00:12:18,958 --> 00:12:21,542
She's a police dog, of course.
Her handler's off with flu.
224
00:12:21,750 --> 00:12:24,207
Why wasn't that dog
tied up in his kennel?
225
00:12:24,208 --> 00:12:26,416
What you been noshing,
aniseed balls?
226
00:12:26,417 --> 00:12:28,624
Don't tell her off,
sergeant. She's very
227
00:12:28,625 --> 00:12:30,791
affectionate. I think
she's taken to me.
228
00:12:30,792 --> 00:12:32,291
Harrison, get these
men out of here.
229
00:12:32,292 --> 00:12:34,208
Yes, sergeant.
230
00:12:35,167 --> 00:12:37,667
Come on, lady, this
way. Lady, this way.
231
00:12:40,792 --> 00:12:42,833
Lady.
232
00:12:43,833 --> 00:12:46,042
Sergeant wilk...
233
00:12:46,292 --> 00:12:49,042
When you can spare a moment.
234
00:12:50,583 --> 00:12:51,874
It'd be rather fun
to spend our off
235
00:12:51,875 --> 00:12:53,268
time together,
policewoman Harrison?
236
00:12:53,292 --> 00:12:55,750
We might get better acquainted,
hey policewoman Harrison.
237
00:12:55,792 --> 00:12:58,042
I can't keep calling you
that, it's such a mouthful.
238
00:12:58,083 --> 00:12:59,417
What do your friends call you?
239
00:12:59,458 --> 00:13:00,625
Policewoman Harrison.
240
00:13:00,667 --> 00:13:05,375
Oh that's a nice name. My name's
Potter, Tom Potter. None hotter.
241
00:13:06,583 --> 00:13:07,624
This is it.
242
00:13:07,625 --> 00:13:09,833
This is our accommodation?
243
00:13:09,875 --> 00:13:12,417
All that's available. The men are
off sick are in their rooms.
244
00:13:12,667 --> 00:13:15,500
I don't like it. There's
an old saying, it says...
245
00:13:15,542 --> 00:13:19,916
Spend your first night in a
strange bed below ground level...
246
00:13:19,917 --> 00:13:24,083
And bad luck will haunt you
straight from the devil.
247
00:13:24,167 --> 00:13:25,999
There are the keys.
Sort yourselves out
248
00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:27,749
and report back to
sergeant Wilkins.
249
00:13:27,750 --> 00:13:32,583
Yes, sir. Bless you.
250
00:13:35,375 --> 00:13:37,500
Policewoman Harrison.
251
00:13:37,542 --> 00:13:39,583
Yes, what is it? I'm busy.
252
00:13:39,625 --> 00:13:42,582
Not too busy to get
acquainted, I hope?
253
00:13:42,583 --> 00:13:45,500
I'll think about it.
254
00:13:45,750 --> 00:13:48,417
Don't take too long.
255
00:13:52,750 --> 00:13:55,708
I say chaps, I think I'm
going to like it here.
256
00:13:55,750 --> 00:13:58,166
Like it here. How can
you say that, Potter?
257
00:13:58,167 --> 00:14:00,832
With all the omens
stacked up against us
258
00:14:00,833 --> 00:14:03,499
like a wall of doom.
I've warned you...
259
00:14:03,500 --> 00:14:06,707
Yes, yes, we know. When Mars
is in conjunction with uranus
260
00:14:06,708 --> 00:14:10,375
it's gonna be a bumpy
night. Come on.
261
00:14:12,625 --> 00:14:15,292
I never said that.
262
00:14:17,417 --> 00:14:18,792
You sent for us, sergeant.
263
00:14:18,833 --> 00:14:19,916
And here we are.
264
00:14:19,917 --> 00:14:21,791
Keen, aren't you? Rather.
265
00:14:21,792 --> 00:14:23,582
Right, we'll put you
to work right away.
266
00:14:23,583 --> 00:14:25,500
Gorse, you patrol area
five, till relieved.
267
00:14:25,542 --> 00:14:30,125
Benson, I've got something
special for you.
268
00:14:30,167 --> 00:14:32,000
Sergeant, on my first day, too.
269
00:14:32,042 --> 00:14:33,542
This way.
270
00:14:38,333 --> 00:14:40,375
Willy.
271
00:14:40,583 --> 00:14:42,625
Willy.
272
00:14:43,333 --> 00:14:44,708
Police.
273
00:14:44,750 --> 00:14:46,124
Oh.
274
00:14:46,125 --> 00:14:49,125
Police. Police.
275
00:14:49,375 --> 00:14:51,417
Dull coppers.
276
00:14:52,208 --> 00:14:55,708
Get out of my way, you
fool, I want a policeman.
277
00:14:55,750 --> 00:14:58,250
Madam, I am a policeman.
278
00:14:58,542 --> 00:15:03,417
So you are. Oh, thank heavens.
What a blessed release.
279
00:15:03,458 --> 00:15:08,333
It's my little boy, officer,
he's gone. Find my little Willy.
280
00:15:08,375 --> 00:15:12,417
Madam. Panic not. I must
have your full particulars.
281
00:15:12,708 --> 00:15:16,792
Oh, hurry up then, do. Have
pity on a mother's agony.
282
00:15:17,083 --> 00:15:19,916
Madam, I assure you I
shall have him back
283
00:15:19,917 --> 00:15:22,708
here before you can
say Jack Robinson...
284
00:15:22,750 --> 00:15:24,291
Where you been. You
perishing little
285
00:15:24,292 --> 00:15:25,874
stop-out. Giving me
a turn like that.
286
00:15:25,875 --> 00:15:28,832
I'll skin you alive.
Madam, you've no...
287
00:15:28,833 --> 00:15:34,625
You shut up and buzz off and mind
your own business, bluebottle.
288
00:15:34,667 --> 00:15:38,333
I'll tell your dad. He
won't half have your guts.
289
00:15:40,500 --> 00:15:43,167
I say, madam, wait.
290
00:16:00,958 --> 00:16:02,417
Lady.
291
00:16:13,792 --> 00:16:17,667
Heel, lady, heel. Heel.
292
00:16:21,667 --> 00:16:23,375
Lady, wait.
293
00:16:26,500 --> 00:16:29,375
Lady, wait. Lady, come back.
294
00:16:31,667 --> 00:16:33,292
Lady. Lady.
295
00:16:33,917 --> 00:16:35,542
Lady.
296
00:16:35,958 --> 00:16:37,625
Oh.
297
00:16:39,250 --> 00:16:41,917
Oh, where's the doggy gone?
298
00:16:41,958 --> 00:16:44,791
Confound the creature. I've
done myself an injury.
299
00:16:44,792 --> 00:16:46,292
I nearly broke my neck.
300
00:16:46,333 --> 00:16:48,583
- Have you studied it?
- Ok yes.
301
00:16:49,083 --> 00:16:50,874
All right, first question.
302
00:16:50,875 --> 00:16:52,582
Ready? Right.
303
00:16:52,583 --> 00:16:55,582
What's the shortest
route between waverly
304
00:16:55,583 --> 00:16:58,833
square and the south end
of the high street?
305
00:16:58,875 --> 00:17:03,166
I don't know, I'm a
stranger here myself.
306
00:17:03,167 --> 00:17:04,750
Let's be serious, shall we?
307
00:17:04,792 --> 00:17:08,125
Oh, Charlie, why don't you laugh
sometimes, or even smile?
308
00:17:08,167 --> 00:17:10,166
Life's a serious
business my friend.
309
00:17:10,167 --> 00:17:12,042
The powerful forces of destiny...
310
00:17:12,083 --> 00:17:14,457
If only you knew the
world's most powerful
311
00:17:14,458 --> 00:17:16,667
force is the sparkle
in a popsy's eyes.
312
00:17:16,708 --> 00:17:19,416
Oh please. Let's study our routes.
313
00:17:19,417 --> 00:17:22,457
I'm only interested
in one. The route
314
00:17:22,458 --> 00:17:25,125
to policewoman Harrison's heart.
315
00:17:25,792 --> 00:17:28,333
Yes. Thank you, goodbye.
316
00:17:32,750 --> 00:17:34,957
Wpc passworthy,
sergeant. Reporting
317
00:17:34,958 --> 00:17:36,541
on temporary attachment.
318
00:17:36,542 --> 00:17:37,833
Oh.
319
00:17:37,875 --> 00:17:41,666
As a connoisseur of
police personalities,
320
00:17:41,667 --> 00:17:44,291
let me state that I
have never before
321
00:17:44,292 --> 00:17:46,917
been arrested with
such charm. Never.
322
00:17:47,167 --> 00:17:49,333
I salute her.
323
00:17:49,625 --> 00:17:54,417
You mean you arrested mrs
may on your way here?
324
00:17:54,667 --> 00:17:56,999
I wasn't yet on station strength,
325
00:17:57,000 --> 00:17:59,916
sergeant, I know, but
I was in uniform.
326
00:17:59,917 --> 00:18:01,541
I was called to the
public house, the coach
327
00:18:01,542 --> 00:18:03,166
and horses by a barman
with a bleeding head.
328
00:18:03,167 --> 00:18:06,832
Yes well, I can imagine
the circumstances.
329
00:18:06,833 --> 00:18:10,417
Mrs may is a regular
customer of ours.
330
00:18:10,458 --> 00:18:14,042
Oh, charming. You're
all so charming.
331
00:18:14,333 --> 00:18:19,499
Ok, passworthy, you did well.
Good start. I'll charge her.
332
00:18:19,500 --> 00:18:21,374
Usual? Drunk?
333
00:18:21,375 --> 00:18:23,167
And disorderly.
334
00:18:23,792 --> 00:18:25,499
Take her to the cells,
they're just...
335
00:18:25,500 --> 00:18:27,667
I can find my own way,
thank you sergeant.
336
00:18:27,750 --> 00:18:30,166
Ah, you see. You watch
out, sergeant. She'll
337
00:18:30,167 --> 00:18:32,333
have your job from
you within the week.
338
00:18:33,417 --> 00:18:35,417
Bye now.
339
00:18:38,167 --> 00:18:41,041
I usually have that
nice cell with the
340
00:18:41,042 --> 00:18:44,917
southern exposure,
policewoman passworthy.
341
00:18:48,375 --> 00:18:50,624
My dear girl, for you
to trouble to take me
342
00:18:50,625 --> 00:18:52,833
any further. I know my
way perfectly well.
343
00:18:52,875 --> 00:18:55,958
No trouble, mrs may, it's my job.
344
00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:59,083
Aha-ha. Me old
friend, number five.
345
00:18:59,333 --> 00:19:02,167
You really ought to be ashamed
of yourself at this time of day.
346
00:19:02,208 --> 00:19:04,207
If you're referring to
the fact that I had
347
00:19:04,208 --> 00:19:06,417
eight or nine brandies
to help my digestion...
348
00:19:06,458 --> 00:19:08,916
And also to the fact that
that crude fellow of
349
00:19:08,917 --> 00:19:11,167
a barman insulted me
by asking me to leave.
350
00:19:11,500 --> 00:19:13,624
Well all I can say
is that I did what
351
00:19:13,625 --> 00:19:15,832
any lady would do in
the circumstances.
352
00:19:15,833 --> 00:19:19,375
I hit him on the head
with a siphon soda.
353
00:19:19,417 --> 00:19:24,166
Well, just settle down and behave
yourself, mrs may. Sleep it off.
354
00:19:24,167 --> 00:19:28,833
I don't like your tone, my
girl, I don't like it at all.
355
00:19:28,875 --> 00:19:32,124
I'm going to write to my
close friend, the home
356
00:19:32,125 --> 00:19:35,042
secretary about you.
Overwrought I may be.
357
00:19:35,083 --> 00:19:38,291
To hear you go on,
anyone would think
358
00:19:38,292 --> 00:19:40,917
I was seeing things. Not nice.
359
00:19:43,917 --> 00:19:47,250
Heavens, I'm seeing things.
360
00:19:47,500 --> 00:19:50,667
Look, in that cell, policemen.
361
00:19:50,917 --> 00:19:53,833
Now, mrs may, I can see them, too.
362
00:19:53,875 --> 00:19:59,875
Who heard of policemen in a cell?
Fetch a doctor from Harley street.
363
00:20:01,875 --> 00:20:04,624
No, keep away. I swear
I'll never touch another
364
00:20:04,625 --> 00:20:06,917
drop as long as I
live. I swear, never.
365
00:20:06,958 --> 00:20:11,958
Come back here, mrs may. Look,
see, they're real policemen.
366
00:20:12,875 --> 00:20:15,167
I Grant you they may
not look it, but...
367
00:20:15,208 --> 00:20:17,124
Do you mind?
368
00:20:17,125 --> 00:20:18,708
Oh, it speaks.
369
00:20:18,750 --> 00:20:20,292
Please, mrs may.
370
00:20:20,333 --> 00:20:23,792
How do you do mrs may?
My name's Potter.
371
00:20:23,833 --> 00:20:28,250
No, not one of the
Hertfordshire Potters?
372
00:20:28,500 --> 00:20:31,333
Oh yes, I'm the
youngest son, Thomas.
373
00:20:31,625 --> 00:20:36,875
My dear boy, how delightful.
I came out with your mother.
374
00:20:37,083 --> 00:20:41,042
Did you? You never told me
your mum had been inside.
375
00:20:41,083 --> 00:20:43,291
Now look, if I can do
anything to help both of you
376
00:20:43,292 --> 00:20:45,333
in your career, I should
be only too delighted
377
00:20:45,875 --> 00:20:49,917
because I'm a close personal
friend of the home secretary...
378
00:20:50,250 --> 00:20:51,707
And I... we know.
379
00:20:51,708 --> 00:20:54,291
But you're also very tired.
380
00:20:54,292 --> 00:20:56,541
You'd better get a kip, madam.
381
00:20:56,542 --> 00:20:59,250
Kip? Oh, kip.
382
00:20:59,292 --> 00:21:04,375
Yes, well, perhaps I will.
Goodbye, au revoir, see you later.
383
00:21:04,708 --> 00:21:07,499
Policewoman passworthy.
I say, when's
384
00:21:07,500 --> 00:21:10,125
policewoman Harrison
next off duty?
385
00:21:10,167 --> 00:21:12,750
Right now. She's off with
flu. I'm her replacement.
386
00:21:12,792 --> 00:21:15,667
Oh, what a shame.
Poor old Harrison.
387
00:21:17,542 --> 00:21:20,291
Still, life must go on I
suppose. I hate going
388
00:21:20,292 --> 00:21:23,042
to the flicks on my own.
Would you care to...?
389
00:21:23,083 --> 00:21:24,957
I am here to work.
This is my first
390
00:21:24,958 --> 00:21:26,666
assignment since training school
391
00:21:26,667 --> 00:21:29,792
and I intend to work
and work and work.
392
00:21:29,833 --> 00:21:31,583
I hope that's clear.
393
00:21:31,625 --> 00:21:33,124
Now I suggest that you get on with
394
00:21:33,125 --> 00:21:34,833
whatever you're
supposed to be doing.
395
00:21:34,875 --> 00:21:40,667
Oh, well, I am. Right now I'm
familiarising myself with the...
396
00:21:40,708 --> 00:21:43,542
Prominent points around here.
397
00:21:52,167 --> 00:21:54,625
She's beautiful.
398
00:21:54,667 --> 00:21:59,666
Policewoman passworthy. Beautiful.
399
00:21:59,667 --> 00:22:04,458
Nicely stacked. Passworthy,
interesting name.
400
00:22:04,500 --> 00:22:09,667
Not quite my type, I'm afraid. You
know, she's too regimental, too...
401
00:22:09,708 --> 00:22:12,833
Charlie, you mean you?
402
00:22:13,625 --> 00:22:15,916
You've seen the old
sparkle at last? Oh
403
00:22:15,917 --> 00:22:18,791
congratulations, I never
thought I'd see the day.
404
00:22:18,792 --> 00:22:21,541
Me neither. Oh, it's terrible.
405
00:22:21,542 --> 00:22:23,874
What? You don't understand.
406
00:22:23,875 --> 00:22:27,542
You see, I can't.
407
00:22:28,375 --> 00:22:31,875
Of course you can. There's
always the first time.
408
00:22:31,917 --> 00:22:37,083
No, no, no. I can't. I've got
to be very careful with girls.
409
00:22:37,125 --> 00:22:38,666
Who hasn't?
410
00:22:38,667 --> 00:22:41,625
There you go, taking the
Mickey. I knew you would...
411
00:22:41,667 --> 00:22:46,667
No, I'm not honestly, Charlie,
honestly. What's your problem?
412
00:22:46,708 --> 00:22:47,916
You won't take the Mickey?
413
00:22:47,917 --> 00:22:50,625
Those boys. Those dear boys.
414
00:22:51,708 --> 00:22:55,250
Thank you for being so real.
415
00:22:56,667 --> 00:22:58,625
You were saying. Ssh.
416
00:22:58,667 --> 00:23:02,167
Not now. Let her sleep.
417
00:23:07,250 --> 00:23:10,125
I suppose that dog will find
its way back all right?
418
00:23:10,167 --> 00:23:12,958
Oh yes. Lady's
absolutely marvellous.
419
00:23:13,000 --> 00:23:17,000
Not the adjective I'd
have chosen. However.
420
00:23:17,042 --> 00:23:20,125
You know the local regular police
staff quite well I take it?
421
00:23:20,167 --> 00:23:22,750
Yes, I do. A fine body of men.
422
00:23:22,792 --> 00:23:25,333
By which you mean they're
mentally constipated I suppose?
423
00:23:25,375 --> 00:23:27,416
Why do you say that?
424
00:23:27,417 --> 00:23:30,082
Because criminology
is in its infancy and
425
00:23:30,083 --> 00:23:32,417
infantile minds are
in charge of it.
426
00:23:32,458 --> 00:23:33,499
Really? Yes, really.
427
00:23:33,500 --> 00:23:36,708
What is the true function
of a policeman on his beat?
428
00:23:36,750 --> 00:23:39,333
Erm... to catch criminals.
429
00:23:39,542 --> 00:23:41,667
No, to prevent crime.
430
00:23:41,833 --> 00:23:43,916
Easy to say.
431
00:23:43,917 --> 00:23:46,000
Easy to do if you know
how. If you study.
432
00:23:46,042 --> 00:23:48,917
Study what? Physiognomy.
433
00:23:49,250 --> 00:23:51,750
I'm not altogether with you.
434
00:23:51,792 --> 00:23:53,750
Neither were the
instructors at the school.
435
00:23:53,792 --> 00:23:55,124
There are signs you see, in the
436
00:23:55,125 --> 00:23:56,708
face. If you know
what to look for.
437
00:23:56,750 --> 00:24:01,625
I can tell at a glance if a man
is of criminal inclination.
438
00:24:01,667 --> 00:24:04,708
Good heavens, how
very useful. Useful.
439
00:24:04,750 --> 00:24:06,624
Don't you realise that
if all that stuff
440
00:24:06,625 --> 00:24:08,582
we were taught at the
school was scrapped,
441
00:24:08,583 --> 00:24:12,167
if every constable was
taught forensic physiognomy,
442
00:24:12,208 --> 00:24:13,916
it'd revolutionise
police practise.
443
00:24:13,917 --> 00:24:15,332
That's what I'm interested in.
444
00:24:15,333 --> 00:24:20,167
Not a lot of hide-bound tripe
and taking dogs for walks.
445
00:24:20,458 --> 00:24:22,750
We're stuck with all
this old-fashioned muck.
446
00:24:22,792 --> 00:24:24,874
I'm most terribly sorry
officer. I do beg your
447
00:24:24,875 --> 00:24:26,708
pardon. I was thinking
of something else.
448
00:24:26,750 --> 00:24:29,458
Yes, that's quite all right, sir.
449
00:24:29,500 --> 00:24:32,125
Go on, then, do it on him.
450
00:24:32,167 --> 00:24:33,500
What ever do you mean?
451
00:24:33,542 --> 00:24:35,749
You know.
Physi-what-you-ma-call-it.
452
00:24:35,750 --> 00:24:36,916
Do it on that man.
453
00:24:36,917 --> 00:24:40,583
On him? He's as honest
as the day is long.
454
00:24:40,625 --> 00:24:43,000
I say. Can you really tell
that quickly as that?
455
00:24:43,042 --> 00:24:45,791
Yes, at a glance.
Of course, one has
456
00:24:45,792 --> 00:24:48,625
to study. It means
years of research.
457
00:24:48,667 --> 00:24:52,875
But then as I say, the signs
always show in a criminal's face.
458
00:24:53,792 --> 00:24:55,792
Turned rather chilly all
of a sudden, hasn't it?
459
00:24:55,833 --> 00:24:57,875
Do you think you've got flu?
460
00:24:58,250 --> 00:25:00,875
That man. He pinched my braces.
461
00:25:20,875 --> 00:25:25,833
Morning, Bobby. Ready for
brekkers? Uncle's coming.
462
00:25:25,875 --> 00:25:27,917
Ow.
463
00:25:28,917 --> 00:25:31,625
Naughty rude, quiet...
Naughty rude Bobby.
464
00:25:31,667 --> 00:25:34,624
Laughing because
poor uncle Timothy
465
00:25:34,625 --> 00:25:37,500
hurt his footy. You're a bad bird.
466
00:25:44,958 --> 00:25:47,625
Wa key, wa key.
467
00:25:58,750 --> 00:26:01,250
Rise and shine.
468
00:26:19,542 --> 00:26:20,750
Up and out.
469
00:26:20,792 --> 00:26:22,625
Must you make that flaming row?
470
00:26:22,667 --> 00:26:24,833
Restrain yourself.
471
00:26:24,875 --> 00:26:29,958
I know someone who didn't get out
of the right side of their bed.
472
00:26:35,750 --> 00:26:39,042
All ready, then?
Come on, turn it on.
473
00:26:41,792 --> 00:26:44,499
Oh, I'm frightfully
sorry, I remember now.
474
00:26:44,500 --> 00:26:46,958
It only comes on hot
at certain times.
475
00:26:47,042 --> 00:26:48,208
You maniac.
476
00:26:48,250 --> 00:26:51,083
We'll all catch... flu.
477
00:26:51,292 --> 00:26:53,958
Let's get out of here.
478
00:26:59,167 --> 00:27:01,250
Gentlemen, really.
479
00:27:10,708 --> 00:27:13,916
Disgraceful. One of
the Hertfordshire
480
00:27:13,917 --> 00:27:16,917
Potters. It's utterly disgraceful.
481
00:27:17,167 --> 00:27:21,667
Well you did ask for a cell
with a southern exposure.
482
00:27:28,042 --> 00:27:30,832
No time like the present, Charlie.
483
00:27:30,833 --> 00:27:33,875
Go to it. Remember,
delay is fatal.
484
00:27:49,500 --> 00:27:51,917
Hello there.
485
00:27:51,958 --> 00:27:54,917
Good morning, constable constable.
486
00:27:54,958 --> 00:27:57,833
My name's Charlie.
Charles, actually
487
00:27:57,875 --> 00:28:01,207
it's against regulations for
us to be as familiar as that.
488
00:28:01,208 --> 00:28:04,083
Didn't you learn anything
at your training school?
489
00:28:04,125 --> 00:28:06,916
Yes, I did policewoman
passworthy. I
490
00:28:06,917 --> 00:28:09,958
learned what constitutes
an obstruction,
491
00:28:10,042 --> 00:28:13,166
parking regulations,
rules of evidence.
492
00:28:13,167 --> 00:28:15,875
I came out top with me truncheon.
493
00:28:15,917 --> 00:28:20,417
Well that's a great comfort
to us all, I'm sure.
494
00:28:20,458 --> 00:28:23,167
Please, policewoman passworthy,
what's your birthday?
495
00:28:23,208 --> 00:28:25,166
My what? Your birthday. I
must know. It's vital to me.
496
00:28:25,167 --> 00:28:26,684
You see I can't take a
single step until...
497
00:28:26,708 --> 00:28:29,500
You take a few steps over to
inspection and don't be so silly.
498
00:28:29,542 --> 00:28:30,957
No, please, tell me.
You don't understand,
499
00:28:30,958 --> 00:28:32,041
I can't do a thing before I...
500
00:28:32,042 --> 00:28:34,625
Here comes the sergeant. Go away.
501
00:28:38,250 --> 00:28:40,333
Oh, dear.
502
00:28:40,542 --> 00:28:41,708
Good morning, sergeant.
503
00:28:41,750 --> 00:28:42,791
Good morning.
504
00:28:42,792 --> 00:28:44,851
I notice sergeant that I'm
not down for a patrol today.
505
00:28:44,875 --> 00:28:46,917
I'm glad to know you're
so keen, passworthy,
506
00:28:46,958 --> 00:28:50,083
but you really must have a better
knowledge of the district, first.
507
00:28:50,125 --> 00:28:52,125
Pick up a map and study it.
508
00:28:52,167 --> 00:28:54,625
Yes, sergeant.
509
00:29:04,083 --> 00:29:05,457
Any luck?
510
00:29:05,458 --> 00:29:07,957
I should never have tried. My tea
511
00:29:07,958 --> 00:29:10,917
leaves at breakfast
were all clotted.
512
00:29:11,125 --> 00:29:13,375
You better call in at mrs
bottomley at number 24.
513
00:29:13,417 --> 00:29:14,749
She's complaining about suspicious
514
00:29:14,750 --> 00:29:16,374
activities in the
rear of her premises.
515
00:29:16,375 --> 00:29:18,125
Yes, sergeant.
516
00:29:20,125 --> 00:29:21,624
- You're late, constable.
- Yes sergeant.
517
00:29:21,625 --> 00:29:22,666
Why?
518
00:29:22,667 --> 00:29:24,250
We had a bit of trouble
with the shower.
519
00:29:24,292 --> 00:29:25,582
Looks like I'm going
to have a bit of
520
00:29:25,583 --> 00:29:26,957
trouble with the shower
too, doesn't it?
521
00:29:26,958 --> 00:29:28,708
Oh, priceless innuendo. How witty.
522
00:29:28,750 --> 00:29:31,542
Quiet, gorse. No more talking now.
523
00:29:34,500 --> 00:29:38,875
All present and correct,
sir. Show your appointments.
524
00:29:43,458 --> 00:29:44,958
Excuse me, sir.
525
00:29:45,042 --> 00:29:46,542
Constable Benson, sir.
526
00:29:46,583 --> 00:29:47,958
Well what is it?
527
00:29:48,042 --> 00:29:51,042
In the absence of the station
dog handler yesterday sir,
528
00:29:51,083 --> 00:29:53,167
I took the animal,
"lady" walking, sir.
529
00:29:53,708 --> 00:29:55,541
What, on a job? Routine, sir.
530
00:29:55,542 --> 00:29:57,792
Oh, just for a walkies.
What about it?
531
00:29:58,125 --> 00:30:00,957
I wish to protest at being
sent out with a brute that far
532
00:30:00,958 --> 00:30:05,292
seems to me, barely advanced
from the wolf pack.
533
00:30:07,250 --> 00:30:09,708
Sergeant, don't send him
out again with lady.
534
00:30:09,750 --> 00:30:11,958
No, sir. Thank you, sir.
535
00:30:12,042 --> 00:30:14,083
- Can't have lady upset.
- No, sir.
536
00:30:16,625 --> 00:30:18,792
Why is your uniform Tor, gorse?
537
00:30:18,833 --> 00:30:20,875
I fell down a flight
of stairs, sir.
538
00:30:20,917 --> 00:30:22,167
How? Quick.
539
00:30:22,208 --> 00:30:25,833
Yes indeed sir, very
quick. I was on a scooter.
540
00:30:26,208 --> 00:30:29,625
On a scooter? Why wasn't
I told about this?
541
00:30:29,667 --> 00:30:32,957
The facts, gorse. I was
proceeding easterly direction...
542
00:30:32,958 --> 00:30:34,916
And that insane canine misfit was
543
00:30:34,917 --> 00:30:37,125
proceeding in a
westerly direction.
544
00:30:37,167 --> 00:30:39,083
Quiet, Benson. Quiet, Wilkins.
545
00:30:39,125 --> 00:30:40,541
You were there?
546
00:30:40,542 --> 00:30:43,042
Was I not. We were both
nearly killed weren't we.
547
00:30:43,083 --> 00:30:45,667
It's all the fault of
that stupid bitch.
548
00:30:45,708 --> 00:30:47,018
What there was a third
party involved?
549
00:30:47,042 --> 00:30:48,458
No, no, sir. Lady.
550
00:30:48,500 --> 00:30:49,874
Lady?
551
00:30:49,875 --> 00:30:53,417
The dog, sir. She's a
bitch, isn't she sir.
552
00:30:53,458 --> 00:30:55,166
Lady dog's a bitch. Well
I know that, don't I.
553
00:30:55,167 --> 00:30:56,792
- Yes, sir.
- Good gracious.
554
00:30:56,833 --> 00:30:59,750
We're all nattering here
like a lot old women.
555
00:30:59,792 --> 00:31:01,416
Let's have some
discipline in this place.
556
00:31:01,417 --> 00:31:02,458
Yes, sir.
557
00:31:03,458 --> 00:31:04,583
How do you do, sir?
558
00:31:04,625 --> 00:31:05,708
How do you...?
559
00:31:05,750 --> 00:31:07,417
Constable Potter, sir.
560
00:31:07,458 --> 00:31:09,167
I've seen you before
somewhere, haven't I.
561
00:31:09,500 --> 00:31:12,792
I don't think so, sir. I
couldn't forget your face.
562
00:31:12,958 --> 00:31:17,333
What do you mean? Well I mean, you
have such an arresting face, sir.
563
00:31:17,583 --> 00:31:22,042
Oh, very swift, an arresting
face. You merry quipper, you.
564
00:31:22,083 --> 00:31:23,417
Gorse.
565
00:31:24,708 --> 00:31:26,833
Where have I seen you before?
566
00:31:26,875 --> 00:31:31,250
Perhaps you met him in a
previous existence, sir.
567
00:31:33,042 --> 00:31:34,667
Who's this lot?
568
00:31:34,708 --> 00:31:35,833
Constable, sir.
569
00:31:35,875 --> 00:31:36,957
Constable who?
570
00:31:36,958 --> 00:31:38,958
Constable, sir.
571
00:31:39,042 --> 00:31:41,250
I know, I said constable who?
572
00:31:41,292 --> 00:31:43,500
Constable constable, sir.
573
00:31:44,917 --> 00:31:46,125
That's unusual, isn't it?
574
00:31:46,167 --> 00:31:49,167
Yes ', sii' ' ', isn't it?
575
00:31:49,208 --> 00:31:52,083
Explain yourself
constable constable.
576
00:31:52,333 --> 00:31:54,875
Reincarnation, sir.
577
00:31:56,500 --> 00:31:58,999
Reincarnation, sir.
It accounts for
578
00:31:59,000 --> 00:32:01,667
some of our more
uncanny experiences.
579
00:32:01,708 --> 00:32:03,250
- Get away.
- Yes.
580
00:32:03,292 --> 00:32:05,541
If you cooperate with me, sir,
581
00:32:05,542 --> 00:32:07,874
I think could uncover
where it was that you
582
00:32:07,875 --> 00:32:09,958
and Potter met in a
previous life, sir.
583
00:32:10,417 --> 00:32:11,500
Utter nonsense.
584
00:32:11,542 --> 00:32:13,875
No sir, please. Close
your eyes and relax.
585
00:32:14,417 --> 00:32:15,958
Certainly not.
586
00:32:16,750 --> 00:32:19,666
Please, sir. Yes. They're very
587
00:32:19,667 --> 00:32:23,375
strong, your heredity
thought waves.
588
00:32:28,292 --> 00:32:34,500
I can see a pond. A beautiful,
artificial pond in a garden, sir.
589
00:32:34,542 --> 00:32:35,750
Any fish?
590
00:32:35,792 --> 00:32:38,167
The fountains are playing.
591
00:32:38,208 --> 00:32:39,583
I said any fish?
592
00:32:39,625 --> 00:32:41,625
No, no fish.
593
00:32:41,667 --> 00:32:46,833
Wait a minute. Yes. I can see you
and Potter. You're in the garden.
594
00:32:47,083 --> 00:32:52,042
You're centurions together, sir.
2,000 years ago in ancient Rome.
595
00:32:54,208 --> 00:32:58,500
Wait a minute. I can see
the vestal virgins.
596
00:33:01,417 --> 00:33:03,792
Ah, they've gone indoors.
597
00:33:04,042 --> 00:33:07,750
I've never heard such
poppycock in all me life.
598
00:33:08,042 --> 00:33:11,000
Please, sir, don't make
another heredity wave.
599
00:33:11,042 --> 00:33:15,333
Please. Let's try it again, we're
very near. Shut your eyes, sir...
600
00:33:15,375 --> 00:33:17,707
You shut your trap. I've
had enough of this. And
601
00:33:17,708 --> 00:33:19,792
I remember where I've
seen you before, too.
602
00:33:19,958 --> 00:33:22,917
You're a society
playboy, lothario.
603
00:33:22,958 --> 00:33:27,708
One of the siphon-squirters and
waiter-debaggers of this world.
604
00:33:27,750 --> 00:33:29,667
Happy days, sir?
605
00:33:29,708 --> 00:33:33,250
Happy days. You lot won't
know what's hit you soon.
606
00:33:33,375 --> 00:33:35,500
Horrible, disgusting.
607
00:33:36,167 --> 00:33:39,542
I don't want trouble, you
can't afford trouble, right?
608
00:33:39,583 --> 00:33:41,583
Right, sir.
609
00:33:44,458 --> 00:33:46,708
Right.
610
00:33:47,792 --> 00:33:49,875
You four, do you know your routes?
611
00:33:49,917 --> 00:33:53,417
Yes, sergeant. Well, concentrate
on them, and on nothing else.
612
00:33:53,458 --> 00:33:58,375
This is a police patrol, not a
protest march against crufts,
613
00:33:58,417 --> 00:34:00,875
a scooter demonstration,
614
00:34:00,917 --> 00:34:03,125
boat-race night,
615
00:34:03,167 --> 00:34:05,833
or a reincarnation seance.
616
00:34:06,458 --> 00:34:09,333
It's just a routine police patrol.
617
00:34:09,583 --> 00:34:11,667
Yes, sergeant.
618
00:34:13,125 --> 00:34:18,583
Just stay here, you lot, and
remember, you're still on parade.
619
00:34:22,417 --> 00:34:24,083
Well, why don't you
ask me how it went.
620
00:34:24,125 --> 00:34:25,208
All right, how did it go?
621
00:34:27,292 --> 00:34:28,791
Do me a favour, tell
thurston to meet
622
00:34:28,792 --> 00:34:30,249
me at the last patrol
point in a car.
623
00:34:30,250 --> 00:34:34,958
Anything to help. And my voices
tell me you do need help.
624
00:35:03,375 --> 00:35:05,417
Potty-poos.
625
00:35:07,833 --> 00:35:11,458
Potty-poos. Potty-darling.
626
00:35:11,500 --> 00:35:14,208
Honoria, old thing.
627
00:35:14,458 --> 00:35:17,041
Haven't seen you since
fruity fotheringill's
628
00:35:17,042 --> 00:35:19,667
pyjama party. I say,
what are you doing here?
629
00:35:19,875 --> 00:35:22,625
What is this, a rag?
630
00:35:22,875 --> 00:35:24,958
Oh, rather not, I'm in the force.
631
00:35:25,042 --> 00:35:27,042
Potter the copper. What fun.
632
00:35:27,083 --> 00:35:28,791
I'd like you to meet my new chums.
633
00:35:28,792 --> 00:35:34,750
Timothy gorse, Charlie, Stanley
Benson, sergeant Wilkins.
634
00:35:34,792 --> 00:35:39,417
Sweet, just sweet, all of
you. Especially wilky-poos.
635
00:35:41,250 --> 00:35:42,708
I'm terribly sorry, sergeant, I...
636
00:35:42,750 --> 00:35:46,208
Have I done something
madly illegal?
637
00:35:46,458 --> 00:35:49,166
Oh, no miss, you're just
obstructing the police
638
00:35:49,167 --> 00:35:51,625
in the execution of
their duty, that's all.
639
00:35:51,667 --> 00:35:53,167
It's my fault, sergeant.
640
00:35:53,208 --> 00:35:57,583
Oh, don't blame dear
potty-poodles. I'm terribly sorry.
641
00:35:57,875 --> 00:36:02,417
You will forgive me, won't
you? Everybody does, you know.
642
00:36:02,458 --> 00:36:05,167
Bye-bye, potty-poodles.
643
00:36:08,375 --> 00:36:11,167
It's entirely my fault,
sergeant. I shouldn't...
644
00:36:11,208 --> 00:36:13,958
Back to work, potty-poos.
645
00:36:34,500 --> 00:36:36,417
Gorse, you still there?
646
00:36:37,708 --> 00:36:40,583
Why? Your beat starts here.
647
00:36:42,458 --> 00:36:45,958
Does it? Oh, so it
does. Thank you.
648
00:36:56,333 --> 00:37:00,417
I know, I know, this
is where I get off.
649
00:37:07,667 --> 00:37:10,167
Good morning, madam,
can I help you at all?
650
00:37:10,208 --> 00:37:14,958
Well, I certainly need a
copper and that's a fact.
651
00:37:17,125 --> 00:37:18,374
You're my first customer this
652
00:37:18,375 --> 00:37:19,958
morning, madam. Have
this one on me.
653
00:37:20,042 --> 00:37:22,125
Oh, ta.
654
00:38:11,458 --> 00:38:16,292
By jove. A simian amorist
with paralysed conscience.
655
00:38:30,875 --> 00:38:32,875
Don't do it, my friend.
656
00:38:32,917 --> 00:38:35,458
Don't do what? You know what.
657
00:38:35,500 --> 00:38:37,042
I don't know what.
658
00:38:37,083 --> 00:38:39,832
Pause, consider. If you can resist
659
00:38:39,833 --> 00:38:42,833
the temptation to
steal that car...
660
00:38:42,875 --> 00:38:44,832
It'll be easier for
you to overcome
661
00:38:44,833 --> 00:38:46,666
the urge to Rob that post office.
662
00:38:46,667 --> 00:38:48,583
You'll need skilled
help of course.
663
00:38:48,625 --> 00:38:50,166
To do the robbery?
664
00:38:50,167 --> 00:38:53,083
No, to recover from your sickness.
665
00:38:53,125 --> 00:38:54,250
You think I'm ill?
666
00:38:54,292 --> 00:38:56,833
I know you are. Desperately
ill. Crime is an illness.
667
00:38:56,875 --> 00:38:59,250
Its symptoms show in the face.
668
00:38:59,292 --> 00:39:02,749
What you need is understanding
help to recover from it.
669
00:39:02,750 --> 00:39:06,417
Come to me. Anytime. Even when the
temptation seems overwhelming.
670
00:39:06,458 --> 00:39:11,208
Ask for me at the station. My
name's Benson, constable Benson.
671
00:39:11,250 --> 00:39:12,333
My name's liddell.
672
00:39:12,375 --> 00:39:13,417
Liddell.
673
00:39:13,458 --> 00:39:15,917
Detective sergeant liddell. Cid.
674
00:39:16,208 --> 00:39:19,541
Not a very good start
to your reform.
675
00:39:19,542 --> 00:39:22,957
No fantasies now. You know as
well as I do, no police officer
676
00:39:22,958 --> 00:39:25,625
would behave so suspiciously,
coming out of the post office.
677
00:39:25,708 --> 00:39:27,457
Oh, he might you know,
if he'd just drawn a few
678
00:39:27,458 --> 00:39:29,059
pounds to buy his wife
a surprise present.
679
00:39:29,083 --> 00:39:30,957
And he didn't want to bump
in to her, knowing full
680
00:39:30,958 --> 00:39:32,749
well she was in the area
shopping at the time.
681
00:39:32,750 --> 00:39:35,917
Huh, ingenious. You're a card.
682
00:39:36,792 --> 00:39:39,292
I'm not, but... this is.
683
00:39:43,375 --> 00:39:47,624
Oh clear. But you looked such
a standard criminal type.
684
00:39:47,625 --> 00:39:49,957
Oh, don't be misled
by appearances. I'm
685
00:39:49,958 --> 00:39:52,292
not. After all, you
look quite sensible.
686
00:39:52,333 --> 00:39:54,417
Thank you.
687
00:39:54,458 --> 00:39:56,458
Charming.
688
00:40:41,167 --> 00:40:42,542
What's up, sergeant?
689
00:40:42,583 --> 00:40:44,792
Thurston, what would you
do if you wanted to make
690
00:40:44,833 --> 00:40:47,208
sure that patrol was keeping
an eye on the district?
691
00:40:47,250 --> 00:40:48,332
I'd keep an eye on that patrol.
692
00:40:48,333 --> 00:40:50,375
Get cracking.
693
00:41:03,708 --> 00:41:07,708
Help. Stop. Look
out, he's got a gun.
694
00:41:07,750 --> 00:41:10,083
- Stand back, Ursula.
- Help.
695
00:41:10,292 --> 00:41:12,792
- Ursula, stand back.
- Help.
696
00:41:12,833 --> 00:41:15,083
Thir... thirteen.
697
00:41:17,417 --> 00:41:19,667
Help. Stop.
698
00:41:19,708 --> 00:41:22,208
You vicious swine.
699
00:41:22,250 --> 00:41:24,333
He's insane alistair.
Don't hurt him, I...
700
00:41:39,083 --> 00:41:41,125
Follow me.
701
00:41:46,917 --> 00:41:49,375
Oh, you fool.
702
00:41:55,042 --> 00:41:57,958
Alistair, you've killed him.
703
00:42:15,042 --> 00:42:17,583
Here, what do you
think you're doing?
704
00:42:17,625 --> 00:42:20,083
Well I heard a... I
thought I heard...
705
00:42:20,292 --> 00:42:22,333
What's going on here?
706
00:42:23,708 --> 00:42:25,292
I thought I heard a
murder, sergeant.
707
00:42:25,333 --> 00:42:27,417
It was only the radio.
708
00:42:27,458 --> 00:42:31,333
That excerpt was from tonight's
play in the home service.
709
00:42:31,583 --> 00:42:34,166
Do you want to make
a complaint, miss?
710
00:42:34,167 --> 00:42:36,625
No, he was only doing what
he thought was right.
711
00:42:36,667 --> 00:42:38,708
Thank you very much, miss.
712
00:42:38,917 --> 00:42:40,000
Does it hurt?
713
00:42:40,042 --> 00:42:42,500
Not at all, sergeant.
714
00:42:42,708 --> 00:42:44,500
Get back on the beat.
715
00:42:44,542 --> 00:42:47,500
Yes, sir. Thank you
very much, miss.
716
00:42:47,542 --> 00:42:48,917
Thank you, sergeant.
717
00:42:51,583 --> 00:42:53,875
Thank you, miss.
718
00:43:11,667 --> 00:43:13,625
Want to cross the road, ma?
719
00:43:13,667 --> 00:43:15,832
Very heavy load, yes.
720
00:43:15,833 --> 00:43:17,957
I see. Well, never mind.
721
00:43:19,042 --> 00:43:20,292
Wait.
722
00:43:20,333 --> 00:43:22,666
That's all right mother.
You're all right with me.
723
00:43:22,667 --> 00:43:24,958
What do you want with me
key? I ain't done nothing.
724
00:43:25,000 --> 00:43:27,082
Now.
725
00:43:27,083 --> 00:43:28,542
What you doing?
726
00:43:28,583 --> 00:43:31,375
All right, all right, don't
worry, all in a day's work.
727
00:43:31,583 --> 00:43:33,833
There we are. That's
all right isn't it.
728
00:43:33,875 --> 00:43:35,541
You half-baked twit, you.
729
00:43:35,542 --> 00:43:37,542
Madame, please, I'm trying...
730
00:43:40,417 --> 00:43:42,624
I was trying to help you.
731
00:43:42,625 --> 00:43:44,458
Madame, I'm trying to help you.
732
00:43:44,500 --> 00:43:46,875
Help. What's going on here?
733
00:43:46,917 --> 00:43:49,791
Speak up, speak up, me
battery's running out.
734
00:43:49,792 --> 00:43:51,958
Not a second before time,
the ungrateful virago
735
00:43:52,000 --> 00:43:54,125
what happened, madam?
736
00:43:54,167 --> 00:43:56,999
He forced me to
over here, when I'd
737
00:43:57,000 --> 00:44:00,167
taken ten minutes to
get to over there.
738
00:44:00,208 --> 00:44:02,541
All of a sudden, he
grabbed me behind and...
739
00:44:02,542 --> 00:44:04,583
Ooh, I did not.
740
00:44:04,792 --> 00:44:06,667
You lying old witch.
741
00:44:06,917 --> 00:44:09,250
Can't hear ya'. Don't interrupt.
742
00:44:09,417 --> 00:44:11,958
That's enough of that. Do you
want to make a complaint?
743
00:44:12,042 --> 00:44:14,832
What do you mean it
ain't? I tell you, it's
744
00:44:14,833 --> 00:44:17,749
the gospel truth. He
grabbed me behind as...
745
00:44:17,750 --> 00:44:20,666
Sergeant, I assure you I did not.
746
00:44:20,667 --> 00:44:22,416
Benson, I don't care where
you grabbed her. The
747
00:44:22,417 --> 00:44:24,268
point is, she didn't want
to be grabbed anywhere.
748
00:44:24,292 --> 00:44:27,249
Now get those crumbs off, and
get back on your patrol.
749
00:44:27,250 --> 00:44:28,832
- Yes, sergeant.
- And remember in future...
750
00:44:28,833 --> 00:44:30,457
Helping old ladies
across the street
751
00:44:30,458 --> 00:44:31,875
should be left to the boy scouts.
752
00:44:31,917 --> 00:44:35,417
Kindly don't sneer at that fine
organisation. I was a rover.
753
00:44:35,458 --> 00:44:36,917
Well rove.
754
00:44:36,958 --> 00:44:41,791
Police station. Calmly and
clearly, madam, please.
755
00:44:41,792 --> 00:44:45,708
Miss horton. Yes,
you're speaking from?
756
00:44:45,750 --> 00:44:49,667
33. Three, three, Nathaniel road.
757
00:44:50,750 --> 00:44:55,541
Intruder next door.
Do you mean 31 or 35?
758
00:44:55,542 --> 00:44:57,583
Three, five.
759
00:44:57,792 --> 00:45:01,542
Telephone number? 4573.
760
00:45:01,583 --> 00:45:04,417
Thank you madam, we'll
send a car immedi... what?
761
00:45:04,667 --> 00:45:08,292
I said that's all right, I've
just seen a policeman outside.
762
00:45:08,542 --> 00:45:10,958
Sergeant.
763
00:45:12,833 --> 00:45:15,292
Nathaniel road.
764
00:45:17,083 --> 00:45:20,500
Calling car four,
calling car four.
765
00:45:20,542 --> 00:45:23,332
Constable Potter
investigating report
766
00:45:23,333 --> 00:45:25,667
of intruder. 35 Nathaniel road.
767
00:45:25,708 --> 00:45:28,583
Over to Nathaniel road, thanks.
Right, thurston, move.
768
00:45:28,875 --> 00:45:31,999
Psst. Mr and mrs
Barry, 35. They're in
769
00:45:32,000 --> 00:45:35,083
Canada seeing their
first grandchild.
770
00:45:35,125 --> 00:45:36,416
Their daughter Sally, she's in
771
00:45:36,417 --> 00:45:38,166
cornwall visiting her
fiancé's family.
772
00:45:38,167 --> 00:45:39,957
The house should
be empty, but just
773
00:45:39,958 --> 00:45:41,833
now, I heard somebody
moving about.
774
00:45:41,875 --> 00:45:43,500
I see, thanks.
775
00:45:43,542 --> 00:45:44,583
Well, go in and get him.
776
00:45:44,625 --> 00:45:45,957
I'd sooner wait till he comes out.
777
00:45:45,958 --> 00:45:47,874
Better still. Catch
him in the act. The
778
00:45:47,875 --> 00:45:49,833
Barrys left them with
me. Fortunate, ay.
779
00:45:49,875 --> 00:45:52,583
Back way, over the garden fence.
780
00:45:52,625 --> 00:45:53,666
Well, supposing he's armed?
781
00:45:53,667 --> 00:45:58,583
Well, if I hear a shot, I'll
ring the station. Ten-four.
782
00:47:52,667 --> 00:47:54,166
What's happened? Nothing.
783
00:47:54,167 --> 00:47:56,917
It's Eric. An accident.
784
00:48:02,250 --> 00:48:06,083
Hello, I'm a police... officer.
785
00:48:11,083 --> 00:48:13,832
Come on thurston, faster.
Potter may be struggling
786
00:48:13,833 --> 00:48:16,167
for his life with some
murderous tearaway.
787
00:48:16,875 --> 00:48:19,124
If only Eric was as
considerate as you
788
00:48:19,125 --> 00:48:21,083
are, constable. What's your name?
789
00:48:21,125 --> 00:48:23,917
Just call me Tom.
Tell me all about it.
790
00:48:24,167 --> 00:48:27,541
Well, last night Eric and I
were talking about furniture.
791
00:48:27,542 --> 00:48:29,958
I want contemporary
things and he doesn't
792
00:48:30,000 --> 00:48:32,416
we had a terrible row.
He said he wasn't
793
00:48:32,417 --> 00:48:34,625
going to have chairs
like toadstools.
794
00:48:34,875 --> 00:48:36,416
So I said if he's
going to exaggerate,
795
00:48:36,417 --> 00:48:37,916
there wasn't much
point in talking.
796
00:48:37,917 --> 00:48:40,458
So he said perhaps we aught never
to talk to each other again.
797
00:48:40,500 --> 00:48:43,166
Whereupon I said that
suits me fine, threw his
798
00:48:43,167 --> 00:48:46,083
ring back and got here at
3.00 this morning and...
799
00:48:46,125 --> 00:48:48,917
Oh, Tom, we haven't
even got a flat.
800
00:48:49,167 --> 00:48:52,166
Oh, is that all. It's just
a little lovers' tiff.
801
00:48:52,167 --> 00:48:57,417
Tiff? It's finished. I'm never
going to see him again.
802
00:48:58,833 --> 00:49:01,582
Of course you will.
There, there, there,
803
00:49:01,583 --> 00:49:04,249
there. Now, listen,
it's quite simple.
804
00:49:04,250 --> 00:49:06,666
You and Eric are both tense about
805
00:49:06,667 --> 00:49:09,666
getting married, you
can't wait for it.
806
00:49:09,667 --> 00:49:11,250
What do you mean?
807
00:49:11,292 --> 00:49:15,875
Well, I... er... you know.
808
00:49:16,625 --> 00:49:21,958
Don't you see? At present,
you're both a bundle of nerves.
809
00:49:22,042 --> 00:49:25,250
Naturally you're going to fly off
the handle at the slightest thing.
810
00:49:25,292 --> 00:49:28,417
But believe me, once
you're married.
811
00:49:28,458 --> 00:49:31,833
We'll not be married now.
It's all spoiled. Finished.
812
00:49:32,083 --> 00:49:38,375
Of course it isn't. You phone him,
say you're sorry. Cry a little.
813
00:49:38,417 --> 00:49:40,416
Now, wait.
814
00:49:40,417 --> 00:49:43,542
Trust your uncle Tom.
815
00:49:43,583 --> 00:49:46,583
He'll come running, you'll see.
816
00:49:46,625 --> 00:49:51,792
Oh, just imagine that moment,
Sally. The bliss of the reunion.
817
00:49:54,417 --> 00:49:59,249
How can any man resist your
lovely innocent eyes, your...
818
00:49:59,250 --> 00:50:04,417
Your yearning look. A
man's heart must melt.
819
00:50:04,667 --> 00:50:06,750
Come on. That boy's in danger.
820
00:50:07,042 --> 00:50:09,042
Sally.
821
00:50:09,083 --> 00:50:11,083
- Oh, Tom.
- Potter.
822
00:50:11,792 --> 00:50:15,333
Oh, hello, sergeant. How
nice of you to drop in.
823
00:50:15,375 --> 00:50:19,000
I don't need help with
this little case you know.
824
00:50:19,083 --> 00:50:21,750
Run along and phone now, Sally.
825
00:50:25,792 --> 00:50:29,166
Well, better get back on
the old beat, I s'pose.
826
00:50:29,167 --> 00:50:31,417
Put it on.
827
00:50:34,750 --> 00:50:38,125
Help. Help. Oh, help.
828
00:50:38,167 --> 00:50:40,666
I say constable, I know
you'll think I'm an
829
00:50:40,667 --> 00:50:43,208
awfully silly girl, but
I've lost my pussy.
830
00:50:43,250 --> 00:50:44,583
The name's fluff
831
00:50:44,625 --> 00:50:46,416
oh, I'm sorry, miss fluff.
832
00:50:46,417 --> 00:50:48,667
That's the cat's name.
833
00:50:48,708 --> 00:50:53,208
The cat's name? So
sorry, silly me.
834
00:50:53,250 --> 00:50:54,833
When did you last see fluff?
835
00:50:54,917 --> 00:50:57,416
Oh, only a moment ago, I was
bringing him back from the vet.
836
00:50:57,417 --> 00:51:01,458
The catch on the basket must have
been loose and he jumped out.
837
00:51:02,500 --> 00:51:04,792
In here, up there.
838
00:51:04,833 --> 00:51:08,167
I see, madam. Just leave
everything to me.
839
00:51:08,208 --> 00:51:10,457
I just couldn't get up there, in
840
00:51:10,458 --> 00:51:13,083
this skirt. Oh look,
do be careful.
841
00:51:13,125 --> 00:51:15,917
Don't be alarmed, madam.
842
00:51:15,958 --> 00:51:20,749
Fluff. Fluff. Fluff. Fluff,
where's the naughty pussycat?
843
00:51:20,750 --> 00:51:22,958
Fluff? Ah, there you are.
844
00:51:23,667 --> 00:51:27,499
Oh, naughty ill-mannered
pussy. Not to spit at
845
00:51:27,500 --> 00:51:31,249
uncle Timothy. Now don't
go away. Stay there.
846
00:51:31,250 --> 00:51:33,625
Fluff, don't go up
there come down.
847
00:51:33,667 --> 00:51:36,291
Fluff. Fluff. Come
down. Fluff. Oh, you
848
00:51:36,292 --> 00:51:38,958
naughty pussy. Where
are you now? Fluff.
849
00:51:39,500 --> 00:51:44,167
Fluff, fluff, fluff.
Ah, there you are.
850
00:51:44,708 --> 00:51:46,416
Now, how am I going
to get you down?
851
00:51:46,417 --> 00:51:49,667
I know this'll frighten you. Now.
852
00:51:54,417 --> 00:51:57,667
Help. Help. Help. Help.
853
00:52:00,167 --> 00:52:02,583
There's a good fluff.
854
00:52:02,833 --> 00:52:04,833
Help. Help.
855
00:52:04,875 --> 00:52:07,625
Oh, my goodness.
856
00:52:07,792 --> 00:52:09,833
Help.
857
00:52:11,333 --> 00:52:14,667
Stop, stop. Oh, stop. Stop, stop.
858
00:52:18,542 --> 00:52:20,292
What is it, madam?
859
00:52:20,333 --> 00:52:24,917
A policeman. I think he just
shot to the top of the tower.
860
00:52:24,958 --> 00:52:26,333
Was he wearing glasses?
861
00:52:26,375 --> 00:52:29,125
- Yes.
- Thank you madam. Here we go.
862
00:52:29,167 --> 00:52:31,208
Help.
863
00:52:37,417 --> 00:52:42,125
Call these reports? I've never
seen anything like 'em in me life.
864
00:52:42,417 --> 00:52:45,832
Look at this one. I
thought I heard a murder.
865
00:52:45,833 --> 00:52:48,667
Heard a murder, I ask you.
You ever smelt a burglary?
866
00:52:48,708 --> 00:52:52,625
Yes, sir I have, when a
scent store got broke into.
867
00:52:52,667 --> 00:52:54,000
Yes, all right, all right.
868
00:52:54,042 --> 00:52:56,500
You could smell it up the street.
869
00:52:56,750 --> 00:52:59,958
She looked as if she was
thinking of crossing the road.
870
00:53:00,000 --> 00:53:02,333
How do you know what
anyone's thinking?
871
00:53:02,583 --> 00:53:06,333
Might have been thinking of buying
a pair of thicker knickers.
872
00:53:06,583 --> 00:53:09,917
I pulled the rope and flew
into the air, like Peter Pan.
873
00:53:09,958 --> 00:53:12,542
You mean Peter Pan's
great aunt, don't you?
874
00:53:12,750 --> 00:53:14,832
The young lady was in the bath.
875
00:53:14,833 --> 00:53:16,518
You were looking through
the keyhole, I suppose?
876
00:53:16,542 --> 00:53:19,125
Oh no sir, the door wasn't locked.
877
00:53:19,375 --> 00:53:21,351
Well what have you got to say
for yourselves, anything?
878
00:53:21,375 --> 00:53:24,042
Yes sir, I want a transfer.
879
00:53:24,250 --> 00:53:27,292
Do you really. To
Scotland yard, I presume?
880
00:53:27,583 --> 00:53:30,416
Yes, I joined the force
to prevent crime,
881
00:53:30,417 --> 00:53:33,333
not to be assaulted by
demented old women.
882
00:53:33,375 --> 00:53:35,125
My speciality is
forensic physiognomy,
883
00:53:35,167 --> 00:53:37,416
and I feel my proper place
is in the photographic
884
00:53:37,417 --> 00:53:39,083
records department
of Scotland yard.
885
00:53:39,125 --> 00:53:41,542
Not now, Benson. Use your loaf.
886
00:53:41,583 --> 00:53:43,958
Please, don't mention
loaves to me.
887
00:53:44,208 --> 00:53:45,333
Benson, please.
888
00:53:45,375 --> 00:53:47,082
It's all very well for
you, mate. Let me
889
00:53:47,083 --> 00:53:48,667
tell you something.
I was boshed o...
890
00:53:48,875 --> 00:53:51,708
Might I be permitted to say
a word at this juncture?
891
00:53:51,917 --> 00:53:54,083
Of course, sir.
892
00:53:54,375 --> 00:53:56,041
When I was a young
constable, we were
893
00:53:56,042 --> 00:53:57,750
fined for being one
minute late. Right?
894
00:53:57,792 --> 00:53:59,125
Right sir.
895
00:53:59,167 --> 00:54:00,499
We weren't allowed
to go to our own
896
00:54:00,500 --> 00:54:02,018
front doors in our
shirtsleeves. Right?
897
00:54:02,042 --> 00:54:03,625
Right sir.
898
00:54:03,667 --> 00:54:06,042
Seems immaterial to me, how
you answer the front door,
899
00:54:06,083 --> 00:54:08,208
as long as you're capable
of doing your job properly.
900
00:54:08,250 --> 00:54:09,291
Benson.
901
00:54:09,292 --> 00:54:11,292
I'll handle this
thank you, Wilkins.
902
00:54:11,333 --> 00:54:13,291
I've been watching you
and listening to you
903
00:54:13,292 --> 00:54:15,375
very carefully, Benson,
and you have a future.
904
00:54:16,167 --> 00:54:18,208
Thank you, sir.
905
00:54:18,250 --> 00:54:20,500
Selling lace table mats.
906
00:54:22,375 --> 00:54:24,917
But regarding your ability
as a policeman...
907
00:54:24,958 --> 00:54:26,457
I personally wouldn't
send you down
908
00:54:26,458 --> 00:54:27,957
to the corner of
the street for me,
909
00:54:27,958 --> 00:54:29,333
to buy a bag of aniseed balls.
910
00:54:29,917 --> 00:54:33,625
You stupid constable.
Do I make myself clear?
911
00:54:33,917 --> 00:54:35,582
Crystal. Pardon?
912
00:54:35,583 --> 00:54:38,125
No one could accuse you of
not being explicit, sir.
913
00:54:38,375 --> 00:54:39,583
Thank you.
914
00:54:39,625 --> 00:54:41,791
However, your misreading of my
915
00:54:41,792 --> 00:54:44,583
potential is sublime
in its totality.
916
00:54:44,625 --> 00:54:47,583
Get them out of here,
Wilkins. Get 'em out.
917
00:54:47,625 --> 00:54:50,542
Right, sir. All right, dismissed.
918
00:54:52,000 --> 00:54:54,875
Straighten yourselves out there.
919
00:55:02,375 --> 00:55:05,332
Sergeant, huh. You stand
there like a dummy.
920
00:55:05,333 --> 00:55:07,833
You're unable to
control this rabble.
921
00:55:07,875 --> 00:55:10,875
I thought you said you
could handle them, sir.
922
00:55:10,917 --> 00:55:12,707
The sooner you're
transferred sergeant
923
00:55:12,708 --> 00:55:14,542
Wilkins, the better
for all concerned.
924
00:55:14,583 --> 00:55:18,000
Yes sir. Now don't you honestly
think that us old-timers
925
00:55:18,042 --> 00:55:20,583
ought to have a little more
Patience with these youngsters?
926
00:55:20,708 --> 00:55:24,875
Gaw. When I joined my first
station at sidcup north...
927
00:55:24,917 --> 00:55:26,292
Here we go again.
928
00:55:26,333 --> 00:55:28,541
We had a sergeant there,
he didn't stop to enquire
929
00:55:28,542 --> 00:55:30,374
whether we were
greenhorns or old sweats.
930
00:55:30,375 --> 00:55:32,167
We had to be on the
ball the whole time.
931
00:55:32,417 --> 00:55:34,874
I've seen some of the
young lads there sobbing
932
00:55:34,875 --> 00:55:37,042
their hearts out there
in the wash house.
933
00:55:37,292 --> 00:55:40,167
Least I think that's
what they were doing.
934
00:55:42,625 --> 00:55:44,583
Sergeant Wilkins.
935
00:55:44,625 --> 00:55:46,667
I'm sorry.
936
00:55:51,792 --> 00:55:54,041
And as for that
inspector, he was a
937
00:55:54,042 --> 00:55:56,417
holy terror. I
remember him saying...
938
00:55:57,083 --> 00:55:59,250
Roll on my pension.
939
00:56:12,208 --> 00:56:13,917
Going on patrol, sergeant.
940
00:56:13,958 --> 00:56:16,417
Right, passworthy.
941
00:56:41,958 --> 00:56:43,417
Why aren't you typing?
942
00:56:43,458 --> 00:56:46,708
My fingers hurt. Can
I do something else?
943
00:56:46,750 --> 00:56:49,375
I don't know. Can you?
944
00:57:04,125 --> 00:57:06,125
Come in.
945
00:57:09,583 --> 00:57:11,167
Oh, you.
946
00:57:11,208 --> 00:57:14,833
Yes, sir. Sergeant Wilkins sent me
sir. Said you wanted a constable.
947
00:57:15,083 --> 00:57:17,417
So I did, and look what I've got.
948
00:57:17,458 --> 00:57:19,042
Shall I go then sir?
949
00:57:19,083 --> 00:57:21,374
Ye... no, look, I've
got a very complex
950
00:57:21,375 --> 00:57:23,375
coordinated report
to make out here
951
00:57:23,417 --> 00:57:25,625
and I need some assistance.
My secretary's off.
952
00:57:25,667 --> 00:57:26,958
Flu?
953
00:57:27,000 --> 00:57:28,375
No, having a baby.
954
00:57:28,417 --> 00:57:29,750
Makes a change.
955
00:57:30,000 --> 00:57:31,458
Well not for her. It's her fourth.
956
00:57:31,500 --> 00:57:33,916
Oh, honestly sir.
Some of these girls
957
00:57:33,917 --> 00:57:36,250
you've only got to sneeze at them.
958
00:57:36,292 --> 00:57:38,957
Look, you didn't come here
to talk about my secretary.
959
00:57:38,958 --> 00:57:41,042
You're a distracting
personality, Potter.
960
00:57:41,250 --> 00:57:42,292
Sorry, sir.
961
00:57:42,333 --> 00:57:43,933
Well you will be if
you don't concentrate
962
00:57:43,958 --> 00:57:45,875
yes, sir.
963
00:57:45,917 --> 00:57:47,916
What do I have to
concentrate on, sir?
964
00:57:47,917 --> 00:57:49,875
Yes, well I've finished
with those. Burn 'em.
965
00:57:49,917 --> 00:57:51,500
Sir.
966
00:57:53,750 --> 00:57:56,042
Potter. What?
967
00:57:56,083 --> 00:57:57,416
Not those. But you
told me to, sir.
968
00:57:57,417 --> 00:58:00,667
They're my consolidated notes.
Oh Potter, I'm on fire.
969
00:58:00,708 --> 00:58:01,874
No you're not sir, but...
970
00:58:01,875 --> 00:58:04,750
You're jolly nearly. Jolly
lucky escape, this.
971
00:58:04,792 --> 00:58:07,250
The carpet. Get the
water. Don't panic.
972
00:58:09,167 --> 00:58:11,000
Stand clear, sir.
973
00:58:14,292 --> 00:58:16,333
Potter.
974
00:58:25,667 --> 00:58:28,125
Morning, officer.
975
00:58:28,167 --> 00:58:29,500
Yes, sir?
976
00:58:29,542 --> 00:58:30,792
Reporting.
977
00:58:30,833 --> 00:58:32,042
What for?
978
00:58:32,083 --> 00:58:33,250
For myself.
979
00:58:33,292 --> 00:58:35,833
Why? The terms of my release.
980
00:58:35,875 --> 00:58:41,000
From prison? How exciting, I've
never met a real criminal before.
981
00:58:41,250 --> 00:58:43,042
Who do you think you're
calling a criminal?
982
00:58:43,083 --> 00:58:46,374
Just a minute. Ah, bone
structure. I can tell
983
00:58:46,375 --> 00:58:49,292
you're going straight.
I'm sure of that.
984
00:58:49,333 --> 00:58:50,458
There are signs, you know.
985
00:58:50,500 --> 00:58:53,042
You'd er... trust me?
986
00:58:53,292 --> 00:58:55,417
Unhesitatingly. With my life.
987
00:58:55,708 --> 00:58:59,874
Constable, you don't know what it
feels like to be trusted again.
988
00:58:59,875 --> 00:59:01,124
To meet someone like
you, could make
989
00:59:01,125 --> 00:59:02,457
all the difference
in the world to me.
990
00:59:02,458 --> 00:59:05,166
I know, that's my entire
purpose. My whole point.
991
00:59:05,167 --> 00:59:09,875
I want to help, not persecute
and punish. Now if...
992
00:59:09,917 --> 00:59:13,750
Exactly. Well, er... take my case.
993
00:59:13,792 --> 00:59:17,583
My father's estate
is worth £492,000.
994
00:59:17,625 --> 00:59:20,292
By rights, it's mine. Yet
our family solicitor,
995
00:59:20,333 --> 00:59:23,875
who's never liked me, has had it
tied up in chancery for years.
996
00:59:23,917 --> 00:59:28,791
Now, if I could only get hold
of £50 for legal expenses,
997
00:59:28,792 --> 00:59:31,458
I'd be able to make a case of it.
998
00:59:31,500 --> 00:59:34,583
£50. That's all that stands
between me and my inheritance.
999
00:59:34,625 --> 00:59:37,750
£50. I've got just that
in the post office.
1000
00:59:38,042 --> 00:59:40,707
Earning 2.5%?
1001
00:59:40,708 --> 00:59:43,082
If you lend it to me,
I could give you
1002
00:59:43,083 --> 00:59:45,500
5,000 when I win the
case, that's 500%.
1003
00:59:45,542 --> 00:59:49,125
Oh, far too generous. I'd feel
I was taking advantage of you.
1004
00:59:49,333 --> 00:59:52,542
Believe me, you're
not. Is it a deal?
1005
00:59:52,792 --> 00:59:54,042
Done.
1006
00:59:54,083 --> 00:59:55,875
You're being done
all right Benson.
1007
00:59:55,917 --> 00:59:57,499
Meet Herbert hall, the craftiest
1008
00:59:57,500 --> 00:59:59,583
confidence trickster
outside the knick.
1009
00:59:59,792 --> 01:00:02,041
Sorry son, I wouldn't
have taken your money.
1010
01:00:02,042 --> 01:00:04,958
But somehow I couldn't resist
you. You're such a born mug.
1011
01:00:05,000 --> 01:00:08,332
It's written all
over you. There are
1012
01:00:08,333 --> 01:00:11,292
signs, you know, bone structure.
1013
01:00:11,333 --> 01:00:13,791
What a nerve. Coming
in here and trying
1014
01:00:13,792 --> 01:00:16,208
a thing like that on
me, a policeman.
1015
01:00:16,250 --> 01:00:18,499
Policeman. Look son,
you haven't got
1016
01:00:18,500 --> 01:00:20,542
the taste of the chin strap yet.
1017
01:00:26,500 --> 01:00:29,500
There we are. That's
a good job done.
1018
01:00:31,333 --> 01:00:34,583
I certainly feel like
a cup of char now.
1019
01:00:34,625 --> 01:00:38,125
I'm sure you do, but
you're not through yet
1020
01:00:41,458 --> 01:00:44,249
oh, no. All them
hours bashing away
1021
01:00:44,250 --> 01:00:47,208
and the carbon's the
wrong way round.
1022
01:01:11,542 --> 01:01:16,750
Thanks, wilkie. Thank goodness
mills has gone off this afternoon.
1023
01:01:16,792 --> 01:01:21,333
What do you mean this afternoon?
He's been off for months.
1024
01:01:21,375 --> 01:01:22,957
How's that passworthy
girl shaping?
1025
01:01:22,958 --> 01:01:25,083
She's shaped.
1026
01:01:25,125 --> 01:01:27,332
A weights and measures,
a road safety and a
1027
01:01:27,333 --> 01:01:29,667
breach of the peace, all
on her first patrol.
1028
01:01:29,708 --> 01:01:32,792
When's she bringing
in Jack the ripper?
1029
01:01:32,833 --> 01:01:36,958
Strange that the only
efficient rookie's a woman.
1030
01:01:37,000 --> 01:01:38,874
Oh, I wouldn't say
that. Potter's on
1031
01:01:38,875 --> 01:01:40,666
a job right now
that must go right.
1032
01:01:40,667 --> 01:01:42,499
I mean after all
the landed gentry,
1033
01:01:42,500 --> 01:01:43,958
they're all good with dogs.
1034
01:01:51,167 --> 01:01:56,292
Oh, heel, heel, heel. Good
dog, good dog, good dog.
1035
01:02:02,167 --> 01:02:05,250
I'm frightfully sor... sir.
1036
01:02:06,125 --> 01:02:08,833
Let me help you out. Ah.
1037
01:02:15,125 --> 01:02:17,457
Me, who hasn't had a
cold for 23 years,
1038
01:02:17,458 --> 01:02:20,292
Wilkins. Now go and get
Potter, I'm going to...
1039
01:02:20,333 --> 01:02:22,207
Now calm down sir.
You'll only send your
1040
01:02:22,208 --> 01:02:23,917
temperature up and
you'll feel worse
1041
01:02:23,958 --> 01:02:25,375
there you go again Wilkins.
1042
01:02:25,417 --> 01:02:27,582
Protecting these
incompetent nincompoops
1043
01:02:27,583 --> 01:02:29,583
from the consequences
of their own...
1044
01:02:29,625 --> 01:02:31,707
Now leave it to me sir.
I'll tell him off.
1045
01:02:31,708 --> 01:02:33,750
Why don't you take a
few days sick leave?
1046
01:02:33,792 --> 01:02:36,708
And what would happen to
this station, without me?
1047
01:02:36,750 --> 01:02:39,625
I'd rather not say, sir.
1048
01:02:41,750 --> 01:02:44,542
I will not have them go out
unless they're accompanied,
1049
01:02:44,583 --> 01:02:46,667
by someone compos
mentis to go with them.
1050
01:02:46,833 --> 01:02:48,625
Even though we're
understaffed, sir?
1051
01:02:48,667 --> 01:02:54,250
Those are my orders, Wilkins.
You always want to argue.
1052
01:02:55,083 --> 01:02:58,083
What a stinker I've got. What
about Potter, has he got a...?
1053
01:02:58,333 --> 01:03:00,499
No, sir, not a sniff.
1054
01:03:00,500 --> 01:03:02,583
The injustice of it.
1055
01:03:02,625 --> 01:03:04,416
Why don't you look on
the bright side, sir.
1056
01:03:04,417 --> 01:03:05,999
You know, you think
of all the times
1057
01:03:06,000 --> 01:03:07,874
you've torn a strip off
certain constables
1058
01:03:07,875 --> 01:03:09,667
and said they couldn't
even catch a cold.
1059
01:03:09,875 --> 01:03:15,083
Now you could say that to Potter
and be right. For the first time.
1060
01:03:26,083 --> 01:03:27,250
Morning, constable.
1061
01:03:27,292 --> 01:03:29,417
Good morning, sergeant moon.
1062
01:03:29,458 --> 01:03:31,542
Let's not beat about the bush.
1063
01:03:31,583 --> 01:03:33,375
All right.
1064
01:03:33,417 --> 01:03:37,625
You're in love with
passworthy, yes or no?
1065
01:03:37,667 --> 01:03:41,792
Supposing I am, what's
it to do with you?
1066
01:03:42,042 --> 01:03:45,667
I'm concerned with the
efficiency of the force.
1067
01:03:45,708 --> 01:03:48,166
You in a daze, her wondering
why you're in a daze
1068
01:03:48,167 --> 01:03:53,250
means two units of personnel at
less than maximum efficiency.
1069
01:03:53,292 --> 01:03:56,042
The sooner you two get sorted out
the better for the force. Right?
1070
01:03:57,125 --> 01:03:58,208
Right.
1071
01:03:58,250 --> 01:04:00,624
Well then, do something about it.
1072
01:04:02,000 --> 01:04:04,833
I can't till I know
whether she's a Virgo.
1073
01:04:04,875 --> 01:04:06,125
I beg your pardon?
1074
01:04:06,250 --> 01:04:09,166
Astrology. You see
my horoscope says
1075
01:04:09,167 --> 01:04:11,958
I stand my best chance of romantic
happiness with a Virgo subject.
1076
01:04:12,208 --> 01:04:14,541
So I've got to know
her birthday. I can't
1077
01:04:14,542 --> 01:04:16,917
make a move. It's vital,
it's significant.
1078
01:04:17,125 --> 01:04:19,916
It's here.
1079
01:04:19,917 --> 01:04:22,833
Would you like me to look it up?
1080
01:04:30,083 --> 01:04:32,583
Passworthy, Gloria.
1081
01:04:33,542 --> 01:04:35,708
Gloria.
1082
01:04:35,750 --> 01:04:38,792
Date of birth. August the 24th.
1083
01:04:43,208 --> 01:04:45,292
Virgo.
1084
01:04:45,875 --> 01:04:48,542
Ooh, Gloria.
1085
01:05:04,042 --> 01:05:08,458
I'm so happy to be out
on patrol with you.
1086
01:05:08,542 --> 01:05:11,624
Oh, do stop that. It's
not good for a police
1087
01:05:11,625 --> 01:05:14,375
officer to be seen
chortling on patrol.
1088
01:05:14,417 --> 01:05:18,208
Quite right. Must
be more dignified.
1089
01:05:23,042 --> 01:05:25,250
Ho, ho.
1090
01:05:25,292 --> 01:05:27,124
What is the matter with you?
1091
01:05:27,125 --> 01:05:29,333
I can't help it, I'm happy.
1092
01:05:29,375 --> 01:05:34,583
I'm about to become an efficient
unit of personnel. Oh, Gloria...
1093
01:05:34,625 --> 01:05:37,582
Constable, kindly
address me properly
1094
01:05:37,583 --> 01:05:40,292
and... don't look at me like that.
1095
01:05:42,250 --> 01:05:45,125
Right, policewoman passworthy.
1096
01:05:48,417 --> 01:05:52,750
But listen to me. You've
got to listen to me.
1097
01:05:52,792 --> 01:05:58,292
I'm happy and I want to make you
happy too, my dear... policewoman.
1098
01:05:59,250 --> 01:06:04,000
I love you, policewoman
passworthy. I'm crazy about you.
1099
01:06:04,042 --> 01:06:06,957
I couldn't tell you because of the
stars, policewoman, my sweetheart.
1100
01:06:06,958 --> 01:06:08,874
The stars, you see.
Instinct can be
1101
01:06:08,875 --> 01:06:10,625
misleading, but the stars, never.
1102
01:06:10,667 --> 01:06:14,708
And they say that it's all
right, policewoman passworthy.
1103
01:06:14,750 --> 01:06:20,292
Oh, do return my love, policewoman
passworthy. Gloria, Virgo. Ooh.
1104
01:06:27,750 --> 01:06:32,292
Kindly get that vehicle
off the road, madam.
1105
01:06:48,000 --> 01:06:51,166
Gorse, I've got an idea. I'm fed
up with being cooped up like this.
1106
01:06:51,167 --> 01:06:53,208
Treating us like children.
It's humiliating.
1107
01:06:53,250 --> 01:06:54,916
We're not allowed out
on our own today,
1108
01:06:54,917 --> 01:06:57,332
inspector's orders, and there's
nothing we can do about it.
1109
01:06:57,333 --> 01:06:59,374
Oh yes there is. We can
show that inspector
1110
01:06:59,375 --> 01:07:01,083
he couldn't even
inspect gas metres.
1111
01:07:01,125 --> 01:07:03,375
Absolutely splendid, but how?
1112
01:07:03,417 --> 01:07:05,583
Come with me, out the back way.
1113
01:07:05,625 --> 01:07:07,667
We daren't.
1114
01:07:07,708 --> 01:07:11,833
Dare nothing, achieve
nothing. You with me?
1115
01:07:11,875 --> 01:07:13,249
Yes, Benson. Come on, then.
1116
01:07:13,250 --> 01:07:14,875
Right.
1117
01:07:20,792 --> 01:07:22,416
Do you say this is
the department where
1118
01:07:22,417 --> 01:07:23,916
most of the trouble
occurs? Isn't it?
1119
01:07:23,917 --> 01:07:25,749
Dreadful. What with our
being so busy now,
1120
01:07:25,750 --> 01:07:27,625
and so many of our
assistants away with flu.
1121
01:07:27,667 --> 01:07:29,667
Ideal conditions for
shoplifting, in fact.
1122
01:07:29,708 --> 01:07:31,750
And for observation too.
1123
01:07:31,792 --> 01:07:33,750
Yes, exactly. Just
leave this to us, sir.
1124
01:07:33,792 --> 01:07:36,375
Gladly, but excuse me I
hardly think anyone's likely
1125
01:07:36,417 --> 01:07:39,000
to steal something while two
policemen marching about.
1126
01:07:39,042 --> 01:07:42,667
Oh, goodness, I hadn't thought
of that. Had you, Benson?
1127
01:07:42,708 --> 01:07:45,375
Yes... yes of course I have.
1128
01:07:45,625 --> 01:07:49,708
We shall require, sir, just
a little help from you.
1129
01:08:01,542 --> 01:08:04,208
Get out of the way.
1130
01:08:07,500 --> 01:08:10,374
Do you know, I haven't
done this since
1131
01:08:10,375 --> 01:08:13,167
I was in the army,
at a camp concert.
1132
01:08:13,208 --> 01:08:15,250
This is no laughing matter, gorse.
1133
01:08:15,292 --> 01:08:19,875
I say, you mustn't call me that.
Not when we're on special duty.
1134
01:08:19,917 --> 01:08:23,624
Oh, yes, well, er... Agatha, then.
1135
01:08:23,625 --> 01:08:27,250
Thank you and I shall call
you... now let me see...
1136
01:08:27,292 --> 01:08:30,542
Call me Ethel. It was
my grandma's name.
1137
01:08:30,792 --> 01:08:34,417
If grandmama could see you
now, she'd be so proud.
1138
01:08:34,458 --> 01:08:37,250
Well, to work, to work.
1139
01:08:38,417 --> 01:08:40,208
Are you ready, Agatha?
1140
01:08:40,250 --> 01:08:42,667
If you are, Ethel.
1141
01:08:44,417 --> 01:08:46,458
Let's go.
1142
01:08:57,875 --> 01:08:59,917
Do you have to keep
your glasses on?
1143
01:08:59,958 --> 01:09:02,542
Why? You don't look pretty enough.
1144
01:09:02,583 --> 01:09:05,250
Well really. You're no
brigitte bardot either.
1145
01:09:05,417 --> 01:09:07,125
There's no need to shout.
1146
01:09:07,167 --> 01:09:11,375
And there's no need to
make personal remarks.
1147
01:09:12,083 --> 01:09:14,042
I beg your pardon, Agatha.
1148
01:09:14,083 --> 01:09:16,042
Granted, I'm sure, Ethel.
1149
01:09:16,083 --> 01:09:18,333
Can I help you, ladies?
1150
01:09:22,542 --> 01:09:28,250
Young girl, we are not
ladies, we are policemen.
1151
01:09:28,542 --> 01:09:33,333
Special investigation.
Carry on working as usual.
1152
01:09:37,458 --> 01:09:41,792
Alice, the manager, quick. Gone
out? Well, all right, get anyone.
1153
01:09:41,833 --> 01:09:45,208
Sir? There are a couple
of loonies up here.
1154
01:09:47,917 --> 01:09:51,207
Pretend to look at these.
Look at her, that's
1155
01:09:51,208 --> 01:09:54,042
criminal type if ever
I saw one. Watch.
1156
01:09:59,292 --> 01:10:03,542
Did you see that? Can I tell
at a glance or can I not?
1157
01:10:03,958 --> 01:10:06,542
The brazen hussy.
Let's apprehend her.
1158
01:10:06,583 --> 01:10:07,624
No, wait.
1159
01:10:07,625 --> 01:10:10,291
To make a shoplifting
charge stick, you must
1160
01:10:10,292 --> 01:10:12,750
challenge the suspect
outside the store.
1161
01:10:12,792 --> 01:10:15,083
But of course. Come on, then.
1162
01:10:21,458 --> 01:10:23,708
Hello. Hello sir, they're leaving.
1163
01:10:25,917 --> 01:10:27,875
Just a moment, madam.
1164
01:10:27,917 --> 01:10:29,792
Show us your girdle.
1165
01:10:29,833 --> 01:10:31,708
I beg your pardon?
1166
01:10:31,958 --> 01:10:33,916
Did you deny that
you took a girdle
1167
01:10:33,917 --> 01:10:35,625
from that store without paying?
1168
01:10:35,667 --> 01:10:37,957
Now, ladies, please.
1169
01:10:37,958 --> 01:10:40,249
Aha. The corpus delicti.
1170
01:10:40,250 --> 01:10:41,707
Name and address please,
we're the police.
1171
01:10:41,708 --> 01:10:42,749
Prove it.
1172
01:10:42,750 --> 01:10:43,875
Don't be ridiculous.
1173
01:10:44,458 --> 01:10:46,583
It's a mistake. A
dreadful mistake.
1174
01:10:46,625 --> 01:10:48,708
They all say that. Name?
1175
01:10:48,958 --> 01:10:51,832
I am the lady mayoress
of this borough,
1176
01:10:51,833 --> 01:10:54,458
and I have an account
at this store.
1177
01:10:54,500 --> 01:10:56,792
- A likely...
- An account.
1178
01:10:56,833 --> 01:10:57,957
- These are the two.
- I see.
1179
01:10:57,958 --> 01:11:00,375
- Now what's all the fuss about?
- There's been a mistake.
1180
01:11:00,417 --> 01:11:02,333
Oh yes, they all say that.
We call it stealing.
1181
01:11:04,125 --> 01:11:05,916
- Cripes.
- Stealing.
1182
01:11:05,917 --> 01:11:07,083
Fetch the police.
1183
01:11:07,167 --> 01:11:08,792
Wait, you fool, we are the police.
1184
01:11:08,833 --> 01:11:10,750
Ask the manager.
Hasn't he told you.
1185
01:11:11,000 --> 01:11:13,708
No he hasn't. He's gone out.
You better come quietly.
1186
01:11:13,750 --> 01:11:16,292
Our uniforms, there in the
ladies... changing room.
1187
01:11:16,333 --> 01:11:17,708
A likely story. Come along now.
1188
01:11:17,750 --> 01:11:19,292
Gorse, run for it.
1189
01:11:19,333 --> 01:11:20,875
Wait a moment.
1190
01:11:32,792 --> 01:11:34,832
Now Potter, you've got to try
and pull yourself together.
1191
01:11:34,833 --> 01:11:35,874
Yes, sergeant.
1192
01:11:35,875 --> 01:11:37,832
Every single thing you've done
up to now has been a mess.
1193
01:11:37,833 --> 01:11:39,666
- Yes, sergeant.
- Hello, constable.
1194
01:11:39,667 --> 01:11:41,625
Hello, mrs may. Oh,
jolly good show.
1195
01:11:41,667 --> 01:11:44,292
All due to you, dear boy.
1196
01:11:47,667 --> 01:11:49,083
Potter. Are you listening?
1197
01:11:49,125 --> 01:11:50,499
Yes, sergeant.
1198
01:11:50,500 --> 01:11:51,851
Well you're lucky
you're not on report.
1199
01:11:51,875 --> 01:11:54,292
- Good morning. Hello.
- Will you pay attention Potter
1200
01:11:54,333 --> 01:11:57,125
whatever you have been
associated with has gone wrong.
1201
01:11:57,167 --> 01:11:58,666
- Yes, sergeant.
- You've gotta watch it.
1202
01:11:58,667 --> 01:12:00,333
Hello.
1203
01:12:00,375 --> 01:12:02,833
Hello, miss Barry.
Eric, I presume.
1204
01:12:02,875 --> 01:12:04,708
How do you do. I
want to thank you.
1205
01:12:04,750 --> 01:12:06,250
Oh, not at all. Not at all.
1206
01:12:06,500 --> 01:12:07,625
We've got a flat.
1207
01:12:07,667 --> 01:12:10,333
- And we're buying furniture.
- Contemporary.
1208
01:12:10,375 --> 01:12:12,042
Only if you want it, Eric.
1209
01:12:12,083 --> 01:12:13,750
I want what you want, darling.
1210
01:12:13,792 --> 01:12:16,667
In that case, name
him Tom after me.
1211
01:12:21,875 --> 01:12:24,416
Well, almost everything
you've touched
1212
01:12:24,417 --> 01:12:26,958
seems to have been
screwed up. Come on.
1213
01:12:27,333 --> 01:12:29,101
I don't know how many times
I've got to tell you...
1214
01:12:29,125 --> 01:12:33,166
And there I was. 17 yobs
in that pub there were.
1215
01:12:33,167 --> 01:12:36,875
All standing round there,
watching, waiting.
1216
01:12:36,917 --> 01:12:39,792
So I took off my duty armlet...
1217
01:12:39,833 --> 01:12:41,167
Yes, sergeant.
1218
01:12:41,208 --> 01:12:43,707
And I said "right,
I'm off duty now."
1219
01:12:43,708 --> 01:12:48,417
"Anybody cares to come outside,
I'll take you on, one at a time."
1220
01:12:48,458 --> 01:12:49,750
What happened sergeant?
1221
01:12:49,792 --> 01:12:52,458
They knocked my head off.
1222
01:12:53,708 --> 01:12:55,707
Let that be a lesson
to you. Never take
1223
01:12:55,708 --> 01:12:57,792
your duty armlet off
at the wrong time...
1224
01:12:58,708 --> 01:13:00,333
That Van shouldn't be there.
1225
01:13:00,375 --> 01:13:02,375
Obstruction?
1226
01:13:09,667 --> 01:13:11,624
Wages?
1227
01:13:13,917 --> 01:13:15,582
Can you drive? Rather.
1228
01:13:15,583 --> 01:13:17,625
After them.
1229
01:13:24,083 --> 01:13:25,708
Potter.
1230
01:13:28,958 --> 01:13:30,667
Did you get their number?
1231
01:13:30,708 --> 01:13:32,708
Afraid not.
1232
01:14:05,708 --> 01:14:11,667
Paper. Paper. Wage
thieves get £100,000.
1233
01:14:15,042 --> 01:14:16,499
I'm putting you all
on official report.
1234
01:14:16,500 --> 01:14:18,083
Have you got anything to say?
1235
01:14:18,125 --> 01:14:19,208
Yes, sir.
1236
01:14:19,250 --> 01:14:21,082
I didn't ask you,
thank you sergeant.
1237
01:14:21,083 --> 01:14:23,166
If I had my way, I'd
suspend the whole
1238
01:14:23,167 --> 01:14:24,916
lot of you from duty immediately.
1239
01:14:24,917 --> 01:14:27,082
Unfortunately, it's
out of my hands.
1240
01:14:27,083 --> 01:14:29,000
It's got to come from higher up.
1241
01:14:29,042 --> 01:14:30,666
But I tell you what I will do.
1242
01:14:30,667 --> 01:14:32,916
I'll send you all out
today in pairs, so
1243
01:14:32,917 --> 01:14:34,958
that you can watch
each other's step.
1244
01:14:35,000 --> 01:14:38,000
And my report goes in
sharp at 3 o'clock.
1245
01:14:38,042 --> 01:14:39,917
That's all, sergeant.
1246
01:14:39,958 --> 01:14:42,000
Dismissed.
1247
01:14:46,458 --> 01:14:48,499
And as for you, sergeant
Wilkins, this is
1248
01:14:48,500 --> 01:14:50,583
the limit. I'm applying
for your transfer.
1249
01:14:50,625 --> 01:14:52,374
Yes, sir. Now what
about these boys.
1250
01:14:52,375 --> 01:14:53,958
They're only beginners, you know.
1251
01:14:54,000 --> 01:14:56,791
Still trying to protect
them. Why? Now I want a
1252
01:14:56,792 --> 01:14:59,542
straight answer this time,
and that's an order.
1253
01:14:59,917 --> 01:15:02,582
All right sir. I'll
give you an answer.
1254
01:15:02,583 --> 01:15:03,976
I have been in the
force a long time,
1255
01:15:04,000 --> 01:15:05,624
but I still remember
the bloomers that I
1256
01:15:05,625 --> 01:15:07,207
made when I was also
as green as grass.
1257
01:15:07,208 --> 01:15:09,000
What's that got to do with it?
1258
01:15:09,042 --> 01:15:11,042
It's got everything to do with it.
1259
01:15:12,333 --> 01:15:13,917
Sir.
1260
01:15:13,958 --> 01:15:15,124
Ah, what's the use?
1261
01:15:15,125 --> 01:15:16,582
I don't believe in
wet-nursing them either,
1262
01:15:16,583 --> 01:15:17,832
but I do believe that we should
1263
01:15:17,833 --> 01:15:19,416
forget about the
rule book sometimes,
1264
01:15:19,417 --> 01:15:21,041
particularly when it's
an emergency like this.
1265
01:15:21,042 --> 01:15:23,083
And that, sir, is all.
1266
01:15:23,333 --> 01:15:25,832
And that, sergeant, is
quite enough. Now if you
1267
01:15:25,833 --> 01:15:28,333
don't mind, I'll get on
with writing my report.
1268
01:15:28,375 --> 01:15:30,417
Sir.
1269
01:15:32,542 --> 01:15:34,708
And you.
1270
01:15:41,292 --> 01:15:43,166
Don't worry, it may never happen.
1271
01:15:43,167 --> 01:15:46,042
It has happened, I'm on me way.
1272
01:15:46,083 --> 01:15:51,500
Oh, I'll miss you. You're
a very fine colleague.
1273
01:15:51,708 --> 01:15:54,000
Thanks, Laura.
1274
01:15:54,042 --> 01:15:55,792
You've never called
me that before.
1275
01:15:55,833 --> 01:15:57,458
I have, hundreds of times.
1276
01:15:57,500 --> 01:15:59,083
No you haven't.
1277
01:15:59,292 --> 01:16:00,625
You know something?
1278
01:16:00,667 --> 01:16:03,333
What? All of a sudden, I'm
gonna' miss you, too.
1279
01:16:03,917 --> 01:16:05,541
Do you really mean that, frank?
1280
01:16:05,542 --> 01:16:07,416
Now you've never
called me that before.
1281
01:16:07,417 --> 01:16:10,208
I've wanted to hundreds of times.
1282
01:16:10,458 --> 01:16:12,541
Well how about that.
All this time I didn't
1283
01:16:12,542 --> 01:16:14,417
even know that you
thought I was alive.
1284
01:16:14,458 --> 01:16:16,207
Ah, what's the use.
In a couple of days,
1285
01:16:16,208 --> 01:16:17,874
he'll have me posted
miles away to some
1286
01:16:17,875 --> 01:16:21,917
dead-and-alive hole helping
cows across the village street.
1287
01:16:21,958 --> 01:16:24,375
It's a scandal. An officer
of your experience being
1288
01:16:24,417 --> 01:16:27,125
sacrificed for the incompetence
of that conniving little...
1289
01:16:27,167 --> 01:16:29,541
Oh, I asked for it. I
can't complain, I've
1290
01:16:29,542 --> 01:16:31,750
had my say. I've had
a run for me money.
1291
01:16:31,792 --> 01:16:32,916
But, frank...
1292
01:16:32,917 --> 01:16:34,666
So how's the roster
going then? You still
1293
01:16:34,667 --> 01:16:36,292
trying to get a quart
into a pint pot?
1294
01:16:36,333 --> 01:16:38,417
Something like that.
1295
01:16:38,458 --> 01:16:41,250
Let's see if we can work
something out together.
1296
01:16:41,292 --> 01:16:43,833
All right. Let's do that.
1297
01:16:45,292 --> 01:16:47,916
Supposing we made a lot of
arrests during the day.
1298
01:16:47,917 --> 01:16:50,458
Do you think we'd make old
mills change his mind.
1299
01:16:50,500 --> 01:16:51,750
What mind?
1300
01:16:51,792 --> 01:16:56,750
Oh, Benson, we've got to do
something, I need this job.
1301
01:16:58,625 --> 01:17:02,208
Motorists, I bet we could bag
a dozen if we really tried.
1302
01:17:02,250 --> 01:17:04,791
That wouldn't help,
Potter. We're for
1303
01:17:04,792 --> 01:17:07,125
it, and that's all there is to it.
1304
01:17:10,458 --> 01:17:13,500
Benson. Benson, old man, the car.
1305
01:17:13,750 --> 01:17:17,124
What car? You mean the thieves'
car? How could you possibly know?
1306
01:17:17,125 --> 01:17:19,167
Yesterday you couldn't
even describe it.
1307
01:17:19,208 --> 01:17:23,708
Dent on rear left mudguard.
Suddenly, it all came back to me.
1308
01:17:23,750 --> 01:17:26,374
Potter, I beg you.
This is a critical
1309
01:17:26,375 --> 01:17:28,917
moment in our careers.
Are you sure?
1310
01:17:28,958 --> 01:17:30,125
Positive.
1311
01:17:30,167 --> 01:17:31,833
Right.
1312
01:17:36,542 --> 01:17:39,666
This doesn't prove anything,
except they dumped it here.
1313
01:17:39,667 --> 01:17:41,958
Oh gosh, that's
right. They must be
1314
01:17:42,000 --> 01:17:44,458
well away by now.
Out of the country.
1315
01:17:44,500 --> 01:17:46,874
No, wait Potter. That's
exactly what they want
1316
01:17:46,875 --> 01:17:49,208
us to believe. That they're
out of the country.
1317
01:17:49,250 --> 01:17:52,125
The cunning bounders.
What'll we do?
1318
01:17:52,375 --> 01:17:57,333
I've got it. I know exactly where
those crooks are hiding out.
1319
01:17:57,375 --> 01:17:59,125
Benson, where?
1320
01:17:59,333 --> 01:18:02,250
Here, in this very area.
1321
01:18:02,542 --> 01:18:05,499
Of course, they want us
to put out a nationwide
1322
01:18:05,500 --> 01:18:07,750
search, when all the
time they're...
1323
01:18:07,792 --> 01:18:10,166
Oh, Benson, Benson, brilliant.
1324
01:18:10,167 --> 01:18:13,167
Brilliant. I have
to hand it to you.
1325
01:18:13,208 --> 01:18:17,416
But we're not handing it to anyone
else. Now listen, this is ours.
1326
01:18:17,417 --> 01:18:20,750
We need the kudos of
capturing them by 3 o'clock.
1327
01:18:20,792 --> 01:18:23,124
Capturing them. Oh lord,
if only we could.
1328
01:18:23,125 --> 01:18:27,041
You call the station. Only
tell them about the car.
1329
01:18:27,042 --> 01:18:29,125
They'll have it towed to
the yard for a lab test.
1330
01:18:29,167 --> 01:18:32,042
I'll get Charlie and gorse off the
beat and we'll meet you back here.
1331
01:18:32,083 --> 01:18:33,125
- Roger.
- Right
1332
01:18:34,458 --> 01:18:38,125
police station.
Yes, Potter. Right.
1333
01:18:38,167 --> 01:18:40,250
They found the car in church road.
1334
01:18:40,292 --> 01:18:43,000
Sergeant, they've found the car.
1335
01:18:43,042 --> 01:18:44,708
Sir, they've found the car.
1336
01:18:44,750 --> 01:18:46,166
Then take it away
from them, before
1337
01:18:46,167 --> 01:18:47,541
they smother it with fingerprints.
1338
01:18:47,542 --> 01:18:50,208
All right sarge, I'm on my way.
1339
01:18:50,667 --> 01:18:52,917
Police station. Can I help...
1340
01:19:10,542 --> 01:19:11,749
Right, now we can get cracking.
1341
01:19:11,750 --> 01:19:13,082
No we can't, don't be ridiculous.
1342
01:19:13,083 --> 01:19:15,542
We'll never find them, beside
the omens are all against us.
1343
01:19:15,750 --> 01:19:17,792
Oh, shut up about your omens.
1344
01:19:17,833 --> 01:19:20,292
Gorse, have you thought of
anywhere they might be hiding?
1345
01:19:20,333 --> 01:19:22,667
Why yes. There's a street
not far from here.
1346
01:19:22,708 --> 01:19:25,542
It's full of tatty lodging
houses, awful thoroughfare.
1347
01:19:25,583 --> 01:19:26,917
Well, what's it called?
1348
01:19:26,958 --> 01:19:32,583
Well it's known locally as the
street of a thousand mouse-holes.
1349
01:19:32,792 --> 01:19:34,875
Follow me.
1350
01:19:43,917 --> 01:19:46,167
150 houses checked
and not a sausage.
1351
01:19:46,208 --> 01:19:49,042
I told you this was a wild-goose
chase, didn't I. The omens...
1352
01:19:49,083 --> 01:19:51,291
If you say one more word
about the supernatural...
1353
01:19:51,292 --> 01:19:52,332
Now look here,
1354
01:19:52,333 --> 01:19:54,249
you cannot silence the
voice of truth with
1355
01:19:54,250 --> 01:19:56,624
empty threats, Benson.
I told you, all of you
1356
01:19:56,625 --> 01:20:00,375
that this assignment was doomed
from the moment we arrived.
1357
01:20:00,417 --> 01:20:04,917
And now we're done. Done
proper. Done crisp.
1358
01:20:07,042 --> 01:20:11,207
Halt and hush a moment.
Look yonder. That house,
1359
01:20:11,208 --> 01:20:14,083
been empty for years. They're
going to pull it down.
1360
01:20:14,125 --> 01:20:15,874
If it doesn't fall down first.
1361
01:20:15,875 --> 01:20:20,375
Gentlemen, look rather
more closely. There.
1362
01:20:20,417 --> 01:20:21,916
It could be.
1363
01:20:21,917 --> 01:20:24,875
Oh, never. Somebody just backed
in to turn around. That's all.
1364
01:20:25,083 --> 01:20:27,125
We've simply got to check on it.
1365
01:20:27,167 --> 01:20:29,917
I'm game. Come on then.
1366
01:21:14,875 --> 01:21:17,457
You and your
mastermind. I told you
1367
01:21:17,458 --> 01:21:19,667
we was crazy to hide out here.
1368
01:21:19,708 --> 01:21:21,388
Tired of the stately
home already, are you?
1369
01:21:22,542 --> 01:21:25,875
Then how about leaving. Very
soon, in coppers' uniforms.
1370
01:21:50,375 --> 01:21:52,417
Ah.
1371
01:21:57,333 --> 01:21:58,500
Oh.
1372
01:21:59,667 --> 01:22:02,125
Yes, all right.
1373
01:22:37,958 --> 01:22:40,875
Really, do you have to? Ooh.
1374
01:22:40,917 --> 01:22:42,958
Beg pardon.
1375
01:22:44,583 --> 01:22:46,208
Help.
1376
01:22:53,875 --> 01:22:58,583
All right, boys, scrub the
uniforms. Let's get out of here.
1377
01:23:04,208 --> 01:23:06,250
Come on.
1378
01:23:15,292 --> 01:23:18,167
I've got him. I've got him.
1379
01:23:19,208 --> 01:23:21,042
Why you, come back
here. Come back.
1380
01:23:21,083 --> 01:23:23,083
You fool.
1381
01:23:28,875 --> 01:23:32,958
Ridiculous. The whole
thing's absurd.
1382
01:24:11,792 --> 01:24:14,916
Actually, the real turning
point, was when I found
1383
01:24:14,917 --> 01:24:17,583
out that your birthday
was August the 24th.
1384
01:24:17,625 --> 01:24:22,500
August? Whatever
gave you that idea?
1385
01:24:22,542 --> 01:24:25,917
You... you mean that you're...?
1386
01:24:26,167 --> 01:24:28,625
Passworthy, switchboard.
1387
01:24:28,667 --> 01:24:30,667
Yes, sergeant.
1388
01:24:35,167 --> 01:24:39,208
Sergeant, you told
me August the 24th.
1389
01:24:39,250 --> 01:24:42,916
Oh, well, does it
make any difference?
1390
01:24:42,917 --> 01:24:46,417
Surely you're not
that superstitious?
1391
01:24:50,458 --> 01:24:52,708
Superstitious?
1392
01:24:55,542 --> 01:24:58,667
Just one moment.
Connecting you now, sir.
1393
01:25:00,958 --> 01:25:02,249
Hello.
1394
01:25:02,250 --> 01:25:04,750
Listen.
1395
01:25:04,792 --> 01:25:06,124
Oh hello, chief constable.
1396
01:25:06,125 --> 01:25:10,542
Hello mills. Well you've certainly
shown you can inspire recruits.
1397
01:25:10,792 --> 01:25:12,167
Well thank you, sir.
1398
01:25:12,208 --> 01:25:14,917
So much so, I've decided to
transfer you immediately,
1399
01:25:14,958 --> 01:25:17,792
to the area college in charge
of morale and discipline.
1400
01:25:17,833 --> 01:25:20,167
I don't know what to say, sir.
1401
01:25:20,208 --> 01:25:23,458
Tell sergeant Wilkins to take
over the station, will you mills.
1402
01:25:23,500 --> 01:25:25,042
Temporarily, sir, of course?
1403
01:25:25,083 --> 01:25:28,125
No, he's being promoted
to inspector at once.
1404
01:25:28,167 --> 01:25:31,125
I'm so glad, sir. He's
just the man for the job.
1405
01:25:31,375 --> 01:25:32,666
Goodbye, mills.
1406
01:25:32,667 --> 01:25:35,542
Goodbye, sir, and thank you.
1407
01:25:39,375 --> 01:25:41,041
I want everybody in
here immediately,
1408
01:25:41,042 --> 01:25:42,250
I've got some news for you.
1409
01:25:42,500 --> 01:25:44,958
All right, line up
behind thurston.
1410
01:25:48,500 --> 01:25:50,625
Attention.
1411
01:25:50,792 --> 01:25:53,541
What this station
needs is a bit of
1412
01:25:53,542 --> 01:25:56,125
discipline. Right
turn. Quick march.
1413
01:26:03,083 --> 01:26:04,333
Harfison.
1414
01:26:04,375 --> 01:26:05,542
Potter.
1415
01:26:05,583 --> 01:26:08,042
Oh, yes, sir.
102144
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