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ERICA: I just want to say
that this is not a story

about my mother
and how she got famous.

It's a story about me.

My name is Erica Ingels.
I have a sister, Opal.

Okay.
It's about my sister, too.

I'm almost ready.

Okay. It's about my mother too,
but not completely.

This is my life.

Okay. So this time,
you be Ed, I'll be Johnny.

OPAL: I was Ed McMahon
the last time.

ERICA: You were not.

-OPAL: Was to.
-ERICA: Was not!

-Erica.
-You're always on Opal's side.

DOTTIE: You're probably
wondering how all this happened to me.

Well, I was living in Queens
with my two girls

and we were all crammed into
this unbelievably small house

with my aunt Harriet.
How small was it?

It was so small that
when you brushed your teeth,

you couldn't brush sideways.
Anyway, there I was.

We are talking
total obscurity here.

Of course now and then I was
on the Johnny Carson show.

And now, live from Hollywood,
California, The Tonight Show

starring Johnny Carson.
And now, heeeere's Johnny!

Good evening
ladies and gentlemen.

Tonight we welcome back one
of our tonight show regulars

who's become incredibly popular
since her first appearance here.

Let us welcome her now,
Dottie Ingels!

DOTTIE: That's what
I did at night.

In the day,
I was also on television.

Thank you, Mimmie.
I know you're gonna be happy.

My name is Dottie.
I hope you come back to see me.

-You look beautiful.
-DOTTIE: Don't laugh.

This is my life.

A woman is passing me by.
Excuse me, sweetheart,

in the beige blazer.
What's your name?

-Joanne.
-Joanne.

I just wanna ask you
a quick question?

Joanne, are you married?
Oh, dear.

Single but with married skin.
We know what married skin is,

-don't we?
-Oh, don't we?

Have I got something for you.
Do you know what this is?

This is anti-aging
placenta extract.

-EVELYN: Placenta?
-We do not talk

about whose placenta
or what placenta.

But trust me, Evelyn,

this is probably
a Jewish placenta.

A Jewish sheep's
placenta that is.

DOTTIE: As she's applying
the lengthener...

Can you see that?
You know what's happening?

-Men are gathering.
-Really?

-They are?
-Like oxen to the watering hole.

This is the very latest
development for making sure

that no one can guess that you,
Evelyn, could possibly have

a daughter at the advanced age
of, what are you sweetheart, 35?

Thirty-two.

She could be 32.

It's the sun, right darling?
It kills the skin.

-Don't go to Florida anymore.
-I don't need a tan.

I was reading this article,

"What Do Men Really Want
In A Woman?"

What do they want? What?

-The number one response?
-Yeah.

-Long eyelashes.
-No. Shut up!

You think I'm kidding?
What's your name?

ALL: If you're tired
and feeling droopy,

settle down and just relax,

put your feet up on the bathtub.

Use exfoliating wax.

You know, sweetheart, you have
a tiny red spot right here.

I'm sure it's nerves. But
I have something else for you

in case it spreads over
your entire body.

Trust me, when I say
bibbidi-bobbidi-boo, Jessica,

you are no longer a pumpkin,
you are a coach.

Jason Finkelman is gonna take
one look at your eyes

and forget about Valerie Novak.

Am I exaggerating?
No, I am not exaggerating.

Am I Erica?
Never mind.

-If she wore a little makeup...
-I am never,

-ever wearing makeup.
-...her eyes wouldn't look so beady.

Lay off your sister, Opal.
Erica is just like me.

Eventually, she's going to come
into her own just like I did.

I was 14 years old--

Don't chew your hair,
sweetheart.

I was sent off to camp...

Raise your hand if
you've heard this story before.

Everyone else spent
the summer doing archery.

I spent the summer
looking in the mirror.

And I realized,

"This is it, you'd better
make the best of it."

And ever since,
I have made the best of it.

With only a brief detour
into total folly...

But let's leave
your father out of this.

The point is, Erica,

you're never going to be
a conventional beauty.

But you are going to be special.
I personally guarantee it.

I thought you
already read that book?

OPAL: She's read it six times.

Opal, please, would you
get off your sister's back?

-Who is it?
-DOTTIE: The VCR repair man, thank God.

Well, you be careful with him.
He steps one foot in the door,

-it's a $32 minimum.
-I can't live without the VCR

working. I have to tape
other people's acts.

I have to study timing.
Delivery. Besides,

it's a business expense.
I can deduct it.

From what?

-It's fate. Totally fate.
-I don't see that.

The VCR could have broken
at any time.

-When does it break? Thursday.
-So?

The day before the VCR repairman
is going to see

his first cousin, an agent,
so he can tell him about me,

who he didn't even know
the day before.

-What's an agent?
-DOTTIE: Well, you know how

-a robber cracks open a safe?
-OPAL: Mm-hmm.

Well, an agent is someone
who cracks open your career.

So, who else
is he an agent for?

Oh, many Jackies
you never even heard of.

-So why is he seeing you?
-'Cause his cousin asked him to.

This is important.
Listen carefully, girls.

This is a life lesson.
Everyone in the world

is only two phone calls away
from everyone else in the world.

You just have to know
who the phone calls are.

Please, please don't
do this to me. Start.

Right. Like I'm only

two phone calls away
from J.D. Salinger.

Oh, I'm sure you are.

ERICA: Mom, I don't even think
he has a phone.

DOTTIE: Of course
he has a phone. He dates.

He's laughing.
That's good, isn't it?

Maybe he's just polite.

You know, just because your kids think
you're funny doesn't mean you are.

-Thanks for coming in.
-Well, thanks for your time.

You bet.

-Is he gonna be your agent?
-Some day.

Someday, he's going to beg
to be my agent.

-I knew it.
-But he was laughing.

Suppose Dad sees Mom on TV?

I don't think we have to worry
about that just yet, Opal.

Okay, but if she gets
an agent and gets famous,

and becomes a
guest star on something.

Like suppose he's sitting home
one day watching

the $25,000 Pyramid show
and suddenly sees Mom?

And suddenly remembers
he has children?

-And comes to see us.
-I don't think so, Opal.

I can hardly remember him.

I know.

Some days
I scrunch up my eyes

and I can't even get his face
to float into my brain pan.

There's just this
big blank screen.

Darlings, just forget about him.
Your mother's the one

who keeps this whole
kit and caboodle together.

Your mother works her fingers
to the bone all week long.

BOTH:
We know. We know.

But what was he like?
I don't want to know him again,

but aren't there things
we should know?

Like what?

Like, did anyone in his family
have diabetes or anything?

I have no idea.
How should I know?

Yes, there is diabetes.
No, there isn't diabetes.

What difference is it?

It was a mistake
for your mother to marry him.

She only married him to prove
she could get somebody to marry her.

-Who was she proving it to?
-Her mother.

-Her mother was dead.
-Only in the technical sense.

Your mother and father
had a fight

at their own wedding reception.

Aside from that,
it was a lovely party.

Fifteen dollars per person,
but worth considerably more.

All they ever did was fight.

-Fishka fishka foon.
-What?

Fishka fishka foon. That's what
Opal and I used to say so

-we wouldn't hear them fighting.
-I don't remember that.

Fishka fishka foon, fishka
fishka foon, fishka fishka...

-Erica!
-Fishka fishka--

Erica!
Now, listen to me.

You girls are
the only good thing

to come from that marriage.

Now, come here,
Madam Fifi.

Hmm-hmm. Salty kiss.

And you, my tchotchkkela.

Oooo!

Now, go to sleep.

Good night.

He hated carpeting.

He did?

I don't know
why I remember that.

The mind is a
very weird thing, Opal.

There was this dog
that lived across the street

named Triscuit.
And you used to think

that boys' penises
look like Triscuit's penis.

Kind of like a Crayola,
but retractable.

-I never thought that.
-Yes, you did.

-I didn't.
-Yes, you did.

-I did not.
-Good night, Opal.

I didn't think that.
I did not think that.

I know I didn't think that.

ERICA: Anyway,
that's the way it was before.

We were a normal family
in our own peculiar way.

Hello.

-ERICA: And then, just like that...
-What?

...Aunt Harriet died.

She died fast.
It was over like that.

It wasn't a long
and painful death.

DOTTIE: Sweetheart,
she died in Loehmann's.

She had a heart attack
in one of those dressing rooms

with 29 other women
in her girdle and bra.

And when it was over, no one
knew which clothes were hers.

They had to dress her
in new clothes.

But they forgot to remove
those big white burglar tags,

and when they
carried Aunt Harriet out,

she set off all the store
alarms. Really.

No. Not really.
Listen. We were all wrecks.

We didn't know
what we were going to do.

But... but...

Well, every problem
is an opportunity, isn't it?

I mean, you know,
let's be honest about this.

Your aunt left you her house

so that you can continue
to live in comfort.

How much is it worth?

She was concerned
that you and the children

should live without disruption.

Is it 80,000? 120,000?

Ah, slightly more than that.
You see there's no mortgage,

so you'd only be paying
the carrying cost,

the heat, the utilities
and so forth.

So I could sell it?

I could sell it.
I could take the money

and I could see...

-What?
-I could.

I could.
I could do it.

I could do it.

Um, how much more than
120,000 do you figure?

-Slightly, slightly.
-Slightly? Slightly?

Slightly could be a lot more.

I want to put up
the house for sale immediately.

Do you think
you could help me with that?

Where is my purse?
Where is my purse?

You left it in the car.

Sweetheart,
don't chew your hair.

Come on, girls.
Come on. Let's get in the car.

Okay. Fold on that
suitcase there.

I got my...

-Jerk.
-Just 'cause

you don't have any friends
you're never gonna see again.

-She has friends.
-No, I don't.

Well, you will in Manhattan.

Come here,
three-way hug. Come on.

All right.
Let's burn rubber.

Okay, here we go.

Think of it
as an adventure, girls.

Come on.

'Cause she'll chew it up
and swallow it,

and make a big glob
of hair in her stomach.

It's fate. It's fate.
The rabbi who did the funeral

has a sister who used
to be married

to the landlord
of this building.

Everyone in the world
is only two phone calls away...

BOTH:
From everyone else in the world.

So then I asked Martin,
"Do you know a housepainter?"

-And he said...
-"My cousin."

See? Do you see that,
it's amazing.

Ruby's brother is a policeman,
but on the side he does floors.

-The living room is huge.
-Yep.

Where are the bedrooms?
Down there.

You can have anyone,
but the big one. That's mine.

ERICA: I got dibs
on the middle bedroom.

OPAL: I like this one.
This one's mine.

-I love this bedroom.
-ERICA: The kitchen's great.

The Lifestyles of the Rich
and Famous, here we come.

-Okay!
-Hup, hup, ooo-da!

Good work. You only broke
a couple of things.

And the Ming vase
was a fake anyway, so...

You don't know
what I'm talking about.

Thanks again. Bye-bye.

You guys look great.
It looks like you been going

here your whole life.
Here, come here. Big squeeze.

-Love you.
-Bye.

Erica. Erica.
Don't chew your hair.

DOTTIE: All the great comedians,

I'm talking about
the legends now,

They all have something
that makes them unforgettable,

Lucille ball; red hair.

Jackie Gleason; fat.
W.C. Fields; nose.

What does
Robin Williams have?

DOTTIE: A tremendous amount
of body hair.

It's just something
so they'll remember me.

Dozens of people just like me
turn up at these clubs every week.

-I'm the one in the dots.
-ERICA: That is for sure.

OPAL: Are you
gonna wear them all the time?

I haven't decided.

-Maybe it won't work out.
-Don't you girls worry.

It is definitely
going to work out.

Where is my purse?
Just once I would love

to be able to walk out the door
and know where my purse is.

Here it is.

Wish me luck.
Love and polka dots.

DOTTIE: So that's how I started

-"Love and polka dots"?
-Break a leg!

ERICA: She went off
to the comedy club at night.

Flapjacks!

DOTTIE: At night
I went off to this comedy club

where I personally would not
drink from the glasses.

Hey, I said, flapjacks!

-How was it?
-How was it?

-Did they laugh?
-Did you bomb?

I'll tell you the truth
if you promise not to tell.

-Promise.
-Who would we tell?

We don't know anybody.

They laughed.
They laughed at me.

ERICA: And sometimes
it was great.

DOTTIE: And back again
by popular demand, flapjacks!

ERICA: And sometimes
it wasn't.

It was an off night, that's all.
When you're starting...

DOTTIE: You want to know
about bombing?

Sweetheart, some nights
the audience was so dead,

they were wearing toe tags.

God, what are we gonna do
if it doesn't work?

It'll work.
You could get married again.

No, I could not.
I'm never getting married again.

The truth is
I don't believe in love.

But you love us.
That kind of love, sure.

Between a mother
and a child, sure.

Okay, who wants more?

Oh, lighten up, Erica.
Everything's gonna be fine.

ERICA: Okay.
It wasn't always wonderful.

But in the beginning we felt
like we were a part of it.

You know, the Aunt Harriet
thing went great.

What Aunt Harriet thing?

I do this thing about
Aunt Harriet in heaven.

That was my idea.
What do you do?

Well, you know,
Aunt Harriet goes to heaven

and does it cheaper
than anyone else.

-It's very funny.
-That was my idea.

Well, what about Aunt Harriet?

-What about her?
-What about her feelings?

She's dead, Opal.
Part of being an artist

is using things
that come from your life.

Oh.

DOTTIE: Don't drop this.
Don't let me drop it.

I'm not in the mood
to cry tonight.

-ANGELA: Beautiful
-One, two, three.

-Can I help you with something here?
-Yes, please.

Can you finish
cutting the cornbread, Angela?

Here. It's hot. You can put it
in the basket over there.

-Taste, taste.
-Mmm.

-How is it?
-Very good.

-Aunt Harriet's special dressing.
-Oh, God love Aunt Harriet.

I'm so glad I'm here
and not with my family.

-Thank you for inviting me.
-Don't be silly.

Right now me and my sister
would be getting in trouble

for making fun of
my brother's wife who squints.

I've never seen
this woman's eyes, you see?

Her brother would be
screaming at his kids,

and my mother would be repeating
my dad's bad jokes...

...really loud.

-Can I give you a hand?
-Yes, Marianne, please.

You can take these
string beans out, all right?

Oliver, I think we need some
more wine in the refrigerator.

-Marianne...
-OLIVER: You got it.

...do you know that
Lester's getting a divorce?

-You're kidding!
-Why did he ever get married

-in the first place?
-Ah, he married young.

It's easy to get married young.
It's later that's the problem.

-What if Lester asked me out?
-What if he asked me out?

-What if he asks me out?
-If I say no,

will he ever
put me in the lineup again?

Suppose my comedy career is over
because I turned someone down

for a date?
That would be so ironic.

Ta-da!

Gobble, gobble, gobble...

You think it's
big enough for us?

Oh, it's beautiful!

Please help yourself.

So I put on the hat, I say,

"I think that
I should never wish

a mammal nobler
than the fish."

Which sort of sets it up
because they realize

that what I do are
couplets about fish.

But a fish isn't a mammal.

I know, but nothing else
fits the meter.

All right.
Then I hit them with this,

"Many for bravery
praise the state trooper,

while I admire
the 'stately grouper'."

And a "grouper" is a...

-It's a fish.
-A fish.

"On subject Ichthyological,
I don't mean to harp,

but who is grander
than the carp?"

It's a good one.

You do know what a carp is?

Sure. A carp is a goldfish
that complains a lot.

Anything she says
belongs to me.

See my problem is
I don't belong in a comedy club.

-No.
-I'm too sophisticated for that.

They want set up, punch.
Set up, punch. Set up, punch.

Here's the hideous thing.

Skip "the loon"
Tyler got an agent.

-Skip "the loon"?
-ANGELA: Yes, he did.

OLIVER: He stinks.
He does my material.

ANGELA: Morty Bashes
is his agent.

-OLIVER: He has a contract?
-ANGELA: No.

Morty Bashes doesn't have
paper in his office.

Guys, that's a rumor.
Morty Bashes is his uncle.

That doesn't count.

I don't know why you guys
are so hung up about agents.

I had an agent for four years.
I had to pay him a signing bonus

plus 20% commission and he
never returned my phone calls.

-I have an agent.
-OPAL: You do? That's great.

ERICA: Congratulations, Mom.

Who is it?

Arnold Moss.

Arnold Moss?
You're kidding.

Moss himself, Moss?

Well, his assistant,
Claudia Curtis.

Oh, she's good.

I haven't actually
met Moss himself.

I couldn't imagine
it would be Moss himself.

Well, if she makes it
it would be Moss himself.

That's great, Dottie.
Congratulations.

Yeah. We're all
very happy for you.

I can't believe she has an agent
and we don't have an agent.

She has an agent.
I can't believe it. I can't take it.

Hey! Come on, everybody.
This is great news.

Thanks, Mia.
Thanks.

I wouldn't say "tall,"
but I'm very cute, slightly...

- Hi, Lester.
- Not darling.

-Smart.
-Hi, Dottie.

LESTER: I own the club.

Girls, you're gonna
sit with Claudia, okay?

Hey, Chris.

Hi, Claudia. Hi.
This is Claudia Curtis.

This is Opal.
This is Erica.

Have a seat, sweetie.
Okay, so...

Get ready.
I got this covered.

I'll see you later, okay?
Don't forget to laugh.

I'll get you two
some drinks.

I'll be with you
in a minute.

-How are you?
-Fine. How are you?

Ugh, don't ask.
So what are we having? Cokes?

-You already had one coke today.
-So?

Two cokes and I'll have
the white wine spritzer, please.

I'm basically terrible.
I'm trying to kick

my dependency on
Mr. Can't-finish-his-analysis.

I'm thinking
of going to a hypnotist.

I figure if they could
stop you from smoking,

they can cure you from being
attracted to a crazy person

nearly 20 years older than you.

-Hi, girls.
-Mia, hi, we're here.

-Hi. Mia Jablon.
-Claudia Curtis.

Your mother is a nervous wreck
tonight because

this is the first time
you've ever seen her perform.

-And Arnold Moss is coming.
-Moss himself?

When's our mom gonna be on?

Lester's putting her on first
because of you.

-And because of Arnold moss.
-Himself.

If you have to go
to the bathroom,

you should do it now.

I think I know when I have
to go to the bathroom, Erica.

When Mr. Therapy-forever,
Mr. Legend-in-his-own-mind

shows up,
he's always late.

I'm too young to be seeing
a fat person, don't you think?

I had a dream
about this enormous blimp.

I mean, we're talking
football field size blimp.

And you know who
that blimp turned out to be?

LESTER: Okay, real Chivas
for Mr. Moss from my bottle.

-And comp the table.
-MOSS: Thanks, I'll pay.

So I hope you have not dragged me
here to see yet another female

comedian who thinks housewives
are identical to prostitutes.

-No, no.
-So what am I doing here?

Dottie Ingels.
Remember?

Does she pretend
to take a shower?

No.

Is she the one that
gives birth to a mouse?

No.

Dottie Ingels is a very
funny person

and she doesn't act
about our aunt.

Erica helped her.

-Who are these?
-Her kids.

Kids.

LESTER: Good evening.
Welcome to another night

of hilarity here.
How are you?

You all know my reputation
for bringing the freshest,

the finest funny people
to the forefront.

Tonight is no exception because
this lady is exceptional.

She's gonna tickle your heart
and break your funny bone.

Please welcome
Dottie Ingels.

Thank you, Lester.
Thank you.

Okay, this is my life.
Until six months ago,

I was working the makeup counter
at the Macy's

on Queens Boulevard.
Now, I'm not proud of this,

but I have actually convinced
a woman to buy placenta cream.

I don't understand this,
do you?

I mean, I know how they
invented a grilled steak.

A piece of meat
fell into the fire.

But how did they find out that
putting placentas on your face

made you look younger?
I can't imagine.

Somewhere in this world

there's a 90-year-old
obstetrician who looks 20.

Right? How did this happen?

It's a girl. It's a girl.

And I look stunning.

ERICA: The first night
I saw my mom perform

I was the most nervous
I ever was in my life.

But she got up
and she was so funny,

and everyone was laughing,
I couldn't believe it.

It was my mom up there.
I mean, I knew it was my mom,

but it wasn't.

It was like
she was someone else, too.

St. Peter,
very nice to meet you.

I've heard-- I've heard,
I'm happy to say...

DOTTIE: The night I met
Arnold Moss, what can I say?

It was like meeting Elvis,
or Brando, or Orson Welles,

or some other
huge legendary figure.

He was sitting in the audience
with Claudia.

And the girls were there,
and I couldn't believe it.

I mean, one minute
I'm auditioning

for these brill
building lowlifes.

And six months later,
I'm on stage

and Arnold Moss
is watching me.

This is also not my life.

As a rule I don't breast-feed
in restaurants.

Call me crazy.

The Leche league.
Have you met these women?

They think that
you should breast-feed your kid

until he's old enough
to unbutton your blouse.

They love it.
I'm bonding with my baby.

The baby is 48 years old
and opening a dairy queen.

Mom, I can't believe it.
You were swell.

Mom, you were great.
You killed them.

I'm so glad you liked it.

She's going to be
even better in L.A.

-Arnold Moss.
-Hi.

-Excellent.
-She didn't mentioned L.A.

-It just happened.
-What is she doing there?

She's going to be
in the famous comedy shop

on the famous Sunset Strip.

-Mom?
-Let her talk to Arnold Moss.

-When are we going?
-It's not a trip for children.

Mom? Mom, when are you
going to L.A.?

Absolutely not.

We won't be in the way.
I promise.

Children do not leave school
when their mothers go

-on short business trips.
-It's not short.

-It is, too.
-It's three weeks.

It's three weeks!

Opal, she is going to perform
at the famous comedy shop

-on the famous Sunset Strip.
-Big deal.

It is a big deal.
And they're paying her.

This is an incredible
opportunity for all of us.

Arnold Moss says
that if this works--

-Mom, he eats paper.
-He does?

-He ate a whole napkin.
-He did?

The pediatrician's number
is on the wall above the phone.

Although you're too old
for a pediatrician, Erica.

I'll take care of that
when I get back.

The bathroom door doesn't shut.

See if you can get
the super to fix that.

Actually when you
think about it,

the real difference
in where you live in New York

is your bathroom door.

On the east side they shut.
On the west side they don't.

And downtown there are none.

They wouldn't
get that in L.A., Mom.

-Anyway, it's not very good.
-Yeah, you're both right.

I told the baby-sitters
you hate mayonnaise.

Do your homework.

If you don't water
the plants I don't care.

Eat some breakfast, okay?

You don't have to force
yourselves with oat bran.

Opal, can you get these
out of my purse, please?

These are journals, sweethearts.
Take notes while I'm gone.

Don't write letters.
This is a life lesson.

Letter writing is ridiculous.

Nothing ever arrives
within a week.

And someone else ends up
with what you should have:

a record of your life.

-When are you coming back?
-Three weeks, sweetheart.

Taxi!

I told you, just three weeks.
Oh, a credit card...

A credit card.
For emergencies only.

You have all the numbers
where I am?

Yes, I got all the numbers.

You brush your teeth
once in a while?

-Yes.
-So will I. All right.

-They're gonna love you mom.
-You think?

-Don't worry about it.
-I'll be calling you every day.

I'm gonna miss you.

-You're gonna be great.
-I'm very nervous.

ERICA: I know,
but you're gonna be great.

-Thanks.
-Bye.

-Love and polka dots.
-I miss you already.

Now what?

ERICA: The first baby-sitter
we had after mom left was Ed,

who does imitations.

ERICA: And he even does
an imitation of Mom.

He says if she ever gets
famous enough,

everyone will do her because
she is larger than life.

Ready.

DOTTIE: Okay,
reach in and pull out the bag.

Reach in
and pull out the bag.

Easy. It's okay.

All right.

Ooh!

All right. You're gonna
have to help me on this one.

Go ahead push. Push it.

Okay, push.

All: Ew!

ERICA: The next baby-sitter
we had was Angela.

Angela is developing
a routine about modern ballets.

She says there are
too many swans

and not enough housewives.

-My ear hurts.
-DOTTIE: I know, honey. I know.

I'm sure it's just
an ear infection.

We'll get you some medicine.
Tell Angela to buy you a whole

- bunch of dumb magazines.
- Okay.

God, I can't hear
anything here.

I know. I can't hear you
very well here either.

Well, let me speak
to Angela for a minute.

Okay, hang on. Angela,
Mom wants to talk to you!

-Dottie, you famous yet?
-Yeah, not quite.

Listen, Angela. Would you
call Dr. Murphy and ask him

to phone in a prescription
to the all-night pharmacy?

ERICA: And then came Dennis,

who was no longer
writing couplets about fish.

What is it about
Lawrence Welk

that brings to mind
the dainty elk?

You're kidding?
He was in the audience?

I don't believe it.

Opal, get on the phone.
You have to hear this.

-OPAL: Hi, mom.
-DOTTIE: Hi, sweetheart.

And then he came back stage and
he said, "I love your work."

Steve Martin loves my work.

-What was he like?
-I have no idea.

That was the sum total
of our relationship. Four words.

Then I said, "What?"

So that's one more word.

But can you believe this?
It's happening, sweethearts.

It's really happening.
I'm not crazy.

-It's like a dream.
-It's so great, Mom.

When are you coming home?

I wanted to talk to you
about that.

Things are going very well.

So I wanted to stay out here
a little longer

-than I was going to.
-How much longer?

Just two more weeks,
Sweet peas.

I love you.
Please say it's all right.

Two more weeks?

I'll bring you...
What can I bring you?

I don't know.

Mom, God!
You don't have to bribe us.

-It's okay.
-Oh, you're terrific.

You are two terrific girls.

I can't tell you
how much I miss you.

Yeah, we miss you, too.

Where is my purse? Where--

Is this not what happens?
Do you ever know...

DOTTIE: After a while,
doing Standup starts to feel

familiar, even routine. First,
it's the sweaty palm phase.

Followed by the
"I can't do it, I'm nauseous,

I'm going to throw-up" phase.

Followed by
"Hey, I'm doing it."

Followed by,

"I am the most powerful person
on the face of the Earth!"

That phase is the best phase.

You know I've always secretly
wanted someone

to snatch this baby.

"Hey lady,
hand over your purse."

DOTTIE: Arnold Moss
was here last night.

-The spongy bog was there.
-Yuck.

He took me out to dinner
and when it was over

-he ate the bill.
-What?

He took her to dinner
and he ate the bill.

-He did.
-Just kidding.

I swear to God.

ERICA: The next baby-sitter
we had was Mia.

She stir fries everything.

And she took us
to an abortion rally,

and we all dressed up as
Sandra Day O'Connor.

Mia has this theory all girls
are either Betty or Veronica.

Who will be my mystery date?

Turn that knob.

Oh, my God,
I got the dud again.

- I always get the dud.
- It's just a game.

Do you think Mom dates?

She wouldn't.
She would never.

Why don't you play
mystery date with us?

I always get dream date,
but if you don't mind.

Here I go.

I got him! I got him!
I got dream date.

I don't believe it!

-I'm so jealous.
-Eat your heart out.

If you always land on dream date
then you must be Veronica.

Erica, Opal, this is a very
important thing to understand.

-Is it a life lesson?
-Definitely.

Veronica always gets the guy.
Or whatever she wants.

And Betty always wants
whatever Veronica gets.

I'm Veronica.

I suppose
that makes me Betty?

Oh, you might as well
accept it.

You, my Erica,
are a lover of misery.

It's my turn to go first.

Are you a Betty
or a Veronica forever?

No. A Betty can grow up
to be a Veronica.

Look at your mom.

Who wants tofu puffs?

Opal,
get out of the way!

Oh, my God,
it's still a commercial.

This is it. Please, God,
make it be all right.

GARY: Our next guest,
I think you're gonna like her,

is performing at the comedy
shop in Los Angeles.

Let's welcome Dottie Ingels.

OPAL: I'm gonna die. I swear,
I'm gonna die.

I never met this man before
in my life and am I thrilled.

-MIA: She looks great!
-James. I'm a big fan.

GARY: It's nice to have you
on the show.

DOTTIE: It's nice to be here.

Actually, it's
unbelievable to be here.

Less than a year ago I was
working the makeup counter

at Macy's on Queens Boulevard.
There I was, selling makeup,

living in Ozone Park...

You don't know where that is,
do you, Gary?

-No. No.
-Not a clue, right?

-Who does?
-Who does?

-We do!
-We do!

There I was living with my aunt
Harriet and my two girls...

Opal, Erica,
if you're watching,

it's time to go to bed now.

Shhh! Shhh! Shhh!

She's back. She's back.
She's back. She's here.

Erica, she's here.
Come on.

Mom! Mom!

-Mom!
-Mom!

There's my cookies,
I missed you.

ALL: Oh!

Oh, look at you.
You look beautiful.

Mom, guess what,
guess what?

-What? What?
-I'm going to be

-one of the hollow men.
-You are?

Shawn, Lisa and I are gonna be
all tied together in burlap,

and Mrs. Fabricant is
making us look like

dead people with no flesh.

-Isn't that wonderful?
-Yes.

Look, what can I say, Claudia?
If it takes more than a week,

it takes more than a week.
But you have to call and tell

them I'm not going to be back
in L.A. until next month.

Next month? You're going
back to L.A. next month?

Claudia, can you hold on?
I hate this call waiting.

I absolutely hate it.

Hello? Yes.

Ah, can you hold on for
just one minute please? Thanks.

-Bah, bah, bah!
-Shh, shh, sweetie.

Claudia, it's someone
from Newsday.

They want to know what I think
about women in comedy.

I'll call you right back.

Hello.

Well, I just got in
from the coast.

Well, I've eaten my last Chinese
chicken salad for a month...

ERICA: Revolting.
She was completely revolting.

And her dots
were getting bigger.

Also, and this is
really pathetic,

she had lost the ability
to be alone.

She took Claudia everywhere.

Claudia was like Tonto.

If you were a man, would you
think I had capped teeth?

-Do you really?
-Four.

-Really?
-Well, six actually.

DOTTIE: I should say I could
never ever have gotten

through those earlier days
as a performer

without Claudia Curtis.

She was more than an agent.
She was a friend.

I saw you on television.
You were great.

Really?

Somebody has a fan.

Shh. This is Opal's night.

Okay.

I can't find my tail.

GIRL: Shawn,
can't you go any faster?

GIRL: I think
I have to go to the bathroom.

Wait. She almost
pulled us all down.

I think I have
to go to the bathroom.

Well, just forget it.

BOYS: What branches
grow out of this stony rubbish?

Son of a man,
you cannot say, or guess.

We are the hollow men.

We are the stuffed men,
leaning together.

Headpiece filled with straw.

Alas!

...over broken glass
in our dried cellar.

Why were you laughing?
Did I bomb?

Bomb? Oh, God, no.

You were just so dear,
that's all.

You were great, Opal.
To die.

Maybe I should sign you.
You need an agent?

I'm waiting for Moss himself.

-Don't hold your breath.
-Erica.

You were wonderful, sweetheart.
Really. I mean that.

Keep the change.

Why does she always
hold her breast like that?

What are you talking about?

Because she's afraid
they might escape.

DOTTIE: Suppose I do
this commercial,

and for the rest of my life I'm
known as Ms. Country Chicken.

CLAUDIA: If you were just going
to be a chicken,

I'd say don't touch it
with a ten-foot pole.

But this is much more about you
than it is about chicken.

-You know what I mean?
-I don't know.

Sweetheart, would you
make your mother happy

and at least look like
you're eating?

What we're talking about
is visibility.

And money. I mean,
who are we kidding?

I heard that if you even just
have you hand in a commercial,

you can make a fortune.

Like you can get rich
just off your knee.

-DOTTIE: What's wrong, Erica?
-Nothing.

OPAL: Can we come when you
make the commercial, Mom?

I don't know.

-Claudia, can they?
-Sure.

-You wanna know what's wrong?
-Yes.

Last month, when my class
did Franz Kafka night,

you didn't come.
And now, you just

conveniently make it
to Opal's performance.

Last month? Honey, last month
I was in Los Angeles.

I couldn't have come.

You know I would have come
if I could have.

We talked about it.
Didn't we talk about it?

-She wasn't even in the play.
-Huh?

She was in the lighting booth.

Can I get you
something else?

CLAUDIA: Well, fifth wheel time.
Gotta run.

Got a late date with
Mr. Much-Too-Crazy.

Call you tomorrow.

My girls. Look,
I know this has been hard.

It's been hard, I know it.
I don't want to be in L.A.

Do you think I want
to be away from you?

I love you so much.

But I can't just pick you up
and pull you out of school

so you can go to some horrible
hotel on Fountain Avenue.

You'd hate L.A.
It's all swimming pools

and valet parking.

Please, just bear with me.

Isn't this what we wanted?
Isn't it?

Sure.

Here.

ERICA: This is my mother,
as a chicken.

This is me watching my mother
as a chicken.

This is my mother leaving.

You know Aunt Harriet's bathrobe
that looked like her bedspread?

Chenille.
It's called Chenille.

Do you think that Mom
felt like a jerk

dressed in all those feathers?

She didn't act like it.

Hey, girls, what do you think?
An air conditioner.

Well, I'll be perfecting this
in the other end

of the apartment,
if you need me.

You know, it really
was not appropriate

for her to bring Claudia
to your show.

After all, Claudia
is not a relative,

and that's really who should be
at your child's performance.

Why can't Mom be a regular mom,
the way she was before?

Mom was never a regular mom.

But she made flapjacks.

Regular moms
don't make flapjacks.

They make pancakes.

ERICA: And regular moms don't
go off to Los Angeles

just as the most important thing
in your life is about to happen.

Hi, Jordan.

Hi.

So, what's it like
having a famous mother?

She's not famous.

I saw her on HBO last week.

She's funny.
She's really very funny.

Does she always
wear those dots?

Why?

I-- I don't know.
I just was wondering.

Does she
wear them to sleep?

She wears them everywhere.

My parents
are endocrinologists.

-Endocrinologists?
-Mm-hmm.

-Doctors, right?
-Yeah. Yeah.

They, uh... They study glands.

They're gland experts.

OPAL: We saw the commercial last
night, right before the news.

How many times does it have
to be on before we're rich?

-DOTTIE: About two million.
-OPAL: Well, it was great.

DOTTIE: Thanks, honey.
How did Erica like it?

OPAL: I can't remember.
I'm sure she liked it.

Mom, you won't believe this,

but Erica's thinking
of changing her name.

DOTTIE: I wanted to change
my name too when I was her age.

I wanted to be called Debi
with an "I."

OPAL: Mom, she's not
changing her first name.

DOTTIE: Oh. Oh, really.
Well, where is your sister?

Can I speak to her while
her last name is still Ingels?

OPAL: She's not home yet.

Every single day she walks
home with that creep.

And do you know
how long it takes her?

-Three hours.
-DOTTIE: Maybe Erica's in love.

OPAL: Oh, please.
Please, don't make me sick.

You haven't even seen him.
He looks like a pole.

DOTTIE: You mean
a Polish person?

OPAL: No, a flag pole.

I'd rather be fried in oil
than kiss Jordan Strang.

-DOTTIE: Is he at least nice?
-OPAL: He has to be.

What else does he have
going for him?

This is my favorite part.

Do you want to?

Have you...
Have you ever done it?

No.

Do you have something?

-It's over.
-It is?

Oh, my God.

-Who is it?
-My mother.

Ah... Hurry up.

-Your mother?
-Jordan, are you home?

Jordan: Oh, my God,
she's never home this early.

-I don't know...
-Jordan?

-Oh, God.
-Oh, God.

This isn't happening.
Please, Erica, hurry.

-Get dressed.
-What do you think I'm doing?

Jordan!

Oh, hello.

And who is this?

-This is Erica, Mom.
-Hello, Erica.

-Hello.
-Nice to meet you.

Would you kids
like something to eat?

How about a nice cup of cocoa?

No, no. Uh...

I was just leaving.
I have to get home.

Your mother's probably
expecting you, I imagine.

-No. Uh, she's away.
-And your father?

He lives somewhere else.

Why don't you two come and talk
to me a minute, will you?

I'm so glad
I came home early.

Two appointments
cancelled back to back.

Oh, Jordan, we have a wonderful
letter from Aunt Judith.

They apparently have gone back
to that dude ranch in Wyoming,

and they enclosed a photo of
Bernice trying to lasso a horse.

It looked
like fun, actually.

Oh, my aching dogs.

Ooh! I wonder why
they call them dogs.

That's the kind of thing
Jordan always seems to know.

I do not.

Erica, perhaps your mother
has spoken to you about this.

But since she's away,
I'd like to offer you

a bit of unsolicited advice,
if I may.

-Oh, no, not this.
-I'm just going

-to run through a few basics.
-Mom.

Perhaps remind you
of a few things.

You recognize these, I bet.
Your ovaries.

But the very tricky
thing about ovaries

is that when
you're a teenage girl

and perhaps a teeny tiny bit
irregular... hmm?

You just never know when
one of these is going to kick in

and release that little egg,
sending it off on its journey

where it could get into
a heap of trouble.

-Erica! Erica!
-Leave me alone, Opal.

You've been in there all night.
Don't you want to do something?

Don't you want
to hyperventilate or something?

Go away.

Sylvia, darling.
I'm opening at the Trop.

The Tropicana?

Look at me.
Eight months ago,

- I thought it was a juice.
- She thought...

Now, I not only know that
it's a hotel in Las Vegas,

but I refer to it
only by its nickname.

You're wonderful.

So you're gonna be there...
Let me see,

the 29th through the 31st

-of that month, which is...
-That's right, the 29th...

OPAL: She never said anything
about changing her hair.

-MIA: Do you like it?
-I don't know.

Erica, come see Mom's hair!
It's different!

SYLVIA: You're fabulous.
You're wonderful.

You know, on the buses
I'm sure people will stop you

-and go, "bauck!"
-I do, I get a lot of

"baulk, baulk." I do, I get--

However, shortly after that
commercial,

my older daughter decided
she wanted to change

-her last name.
-Oh no, that's horrible.

-Interesting connection--
-How does that make you feel?

Well, not that I felt
rejected or anything.

I mean if she wants
to call herself Schnertle

instead of Ingels...

-What did you say?
-Schnertle?

SYLVIA : Oh! shut up!

-OPAL: Erica, I'm watching.
-You told her, didn't you?

-Take it easy, Erica.
-It's just a joke.

Ha-ha-ha!

Artists always use things
from their lives, Erica.

Shut up, Opal.
Just shut up!

SYLVIA : Jesus!

DOTTIE:
I was playing Las Vegas.

Me, I was up there in lights.
Like, Sinatra, and

"Starring Englebert Humperdinck"
and "All You Can Eat for 3.99."

I love Las Vegas.

ERICA: Jordan says
Las Vegas is a place

where people with empty lives
and no values go to have fun.

It's a moral desert,
and we were there.

-OPAL: I see her! I see her!
-Who doesn't?

Opal, Erica.
Hello, sweethearts.

I'm never
speaking to you again.

Honey, honey, you're going
the wrong way. It's this way.

Are you planning on
telling me what this is about?

-What is this about?
-OPAL: Schmertle.

How dare you?
How dare you use things

that you know
about me in public?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

You can't imagine
what it's like on these shows.

There's nothing in your head,
you have to say something,

then this thing pops out.

Dottie, we were at
the 10:00 show last night.

You were terrific.
We had a ball.

-Oh, really? Great.
-Could we have your autograph?

-Well, of course.
-You could've at least

had the decency to wait
until I'm dead.

We'll talk about this
in a second.

-Oh, I don't have a pen.
-I have a pen. That's all right.

-What are your names?
-My name is Dawna.

-Dawna.
-She's Charlene.

-Hi, Charlene.
-D-a-w-n-a.

Do you like this?
People just come up to you

-and don't even knock?
-Could you get a picture of us?

Could you? Would you do that?

Oh, my pleasure.
All right.

-Press the red button.
-One, two, three... Cheese!

-Yay!
-Thanks.

Thank you so much.
Come back and see me again.

We will.

Erica, that's enough! Erica!

I have to use my life
to make things up.

That's what comedians do.
You know that.

-Your life, but not mine.
-I'm sorry.

It's just that our lives
are all tangled up together.

Come on.

So many wonderful things
are happening for me right now.

It has to be okay with you.

-OPAL: What wonderful things?
-DOTTIE: Just everything.

This is us.

Lifestyles of the rich
and famous!

Well, I'm not quite rich
and not quite famous,

but look where we are!
Thanks.

DOTTIE:
Welcome to "Lifestyles

of the Not Quite Rich
and Not Quite Famous."

Today we are visiting
Opal and Erica Ingels.

Although I am not sure
we're going to be able to visit

with Erica Ingels,
because she is into privacy.

Oh, all right.

OPAL: That's my mom!

-DOTTIE: Here we are.
-OPAL: Wow!

Phil, can you
put those in my room

and the bags
in the girls' room, please?

-So many roses, Mom.
-And you know the best thing?

After these die, boom!
New ones, immediately.

Anything you want.
Red ones, pink ones...

-Silver ones?
-Silver ones, too.

Look at this, a bar...

-DOTTIE: You see that?
-OPAL: Yeah.

That's the main spot.
My spot.

It happens to be the only one
that I know how to operate.

-Hey, Billy.
-Hello.

These are my girls.
This is Erica and this is...

Veronica.
Veronica Lodge.

And I'm Archie Andrews.

So, Veronica,
you win any money yet?

I'm too young.

Mmm, well you want
to come for a spin?

I'll show you the sights.

Who here is in love?
Let me see some hands.

Anybody in love here?

Oh, quite a few.
A very lucky bunch.

I used to have
a problem with love.

I mean, I believed in love
between a mother and a child,

between a man and his car...

But this other kind of love,
I...

You know, there are times
when you really are in love

and you're almost
completely deranged.

You're sure that people can tell
just by looking at you

because you
cannot stop smiling.

A horrible car accident happens
right in front of your eyes.

Twenty-three people
get whiplash.

You wake up
in the middle of the night.

Something nice happened.
What was it?

Right. It was love.

And then he let me wear his hat.
And it was so amazing

because when Mom
was talking about love,

I felt like it was
totally about me.

It was everything I was feeling
and she was just saying it.

-It was like a déjà vu.
-That's not what déjà vu is.

I couldn't believe
all that stuff.

She doesn't believe in love.

On top of everything else,
she's become a giant fake.

Then I had to give
the hat back.

I don't know
if I'm ever gonna see him again.

Oh God, Erica, is this
what my life's gonna be like?

MAN:
Are you sure this is okay?

DOTTIE: Shh! Let me just see
if they're asleep.

Give me the glass.

OPAL:
What's happening?

They're going into
the bedroom.

-What are you doing?
-Shh!

How old would you
say he was?

Twenty-something
at the most.

-This is just revolting.
-How do you think I feel?

MOSS: Mind if we join you?

-Here's your breakfast, girls.
-How did you two do

at the tables last night?
Win a bundle?

What would you say
if I told you our mother

was sleeping with somebody
totally inappropriate?

That's the only type
I ever sleep with.

We know.

Someone who is
completely the wrong age.

We're talking
parent-child here.

DOTTIE:
Good morning, everyone.

Something happening?

What's the matter, sweetie.
What happened?

I was just talking with your
wonderful girls here, Dottie,

and I'm afraid
we're gonna have to tell them

what's been going on.

Just put everything
on the table.

Opal thinks you're involved with
someone who's wrong for you.

-Inappropriate.
-Really?

Now, I have
a lot of experience.

That's what happens
when you're as old as I am.

And I happen to know
that children

whose parents are divorced
always have a rough time

with the idea that
their mother is with someone new

because somewhere
they have this fantasy

that their father
is coming back.

I don't have any fantasies
about my father.

I don't even
remember my father.

I don't even remember one
single thing about my father.

Well, believe me, sweetheart,
the fantasy is there.

This isn't about our father.
This is about Mom sleeping

with someone who's young enough
to be Opal's boyfriend.

I'm sleeping with him.
With "The Moss"?

You're sleeping
with "The Moss"?

"The" Moss?

-What about Claudia?
-What about me?

You're in love
with "The Moss."

What on earth
gave you that idea?

You said so.
You said you were hung up

on some crazy fat guy who was
about 20 years older than you.

I'm not 20 years
older than her.

That just about describes just
about every guy I go out with.

When you're my age, honey,
that's all there is.

-What about the hat?
-What hat?

The baseball hat.
The Mets hat.

The lighting guy gave
that to me. That's for you.

-It's mine?
-Yes.

He gave it to me?
Billy gave it to me?

I can't believe that's what
you're thinking about

at a time like this.

-At a time like what?
-Are you in love?

Don't you realize that
all she wanted was to have us

as far away as possible so she
could just carry on with him?

Suppose they get married
and he adopts us?

Could he do that?

They could do
anything they want.

Our last name would be moss.

I'd be Opal Moss.

We'd all be "The Moss."

Dad has to stop this
from happening.

Dad?
He doesn't care about us.

Do you think he wants
someone else to adopt us?

If Arnold Moss adopts us,
you know what will happen?

She'll go away
on business trips

and guess who
we'll be living with?

-The Moss?
-Duh.

We've got to tell Dad.

How are we gonna find him?

ERICA: The amazing thing was
that Mom was right, for once.

Everyone in the world
is two phone calls away

from everyone else in the world.
First, I called Ruby.

Ruby, hi. This is Erica.

Fine. She's fine.

Ruby, didn't you tell us once

that you knew
a private detective?

Well, I'm doing this
project for school, and...

ERICA: And then I called
this private detective

on West 53rd Street.

Yes, this is Erica Ingels.

I'd like to make
an appointment, please.

It's about
a missing person's case.

Could it be a little later,
after 3:15?

That's fine. Thanks.
Does he take visa?

DETECTIVE: Miss, do you
know where he used to work?

ERICA: No.

Did you bring me
a photograph of him?

We don't have one.

He hated carpeting.

Muchas gracias.

-How did he find him?
-I don't know.

Credit cards or something.

It was so easy.

It was just like he's been
in the lost and found,

only he hasn't.
He's been in Albany.

You're just going
to go live in Albany?

-Just like that?
-I'm not sure.

She's not really
a suitable mother.

I mean, I'm already
practically grown up,

but what about Opal?
She still needs a parent.

Maybe he's worse
than your mom.

Maybe he drinks.
Maybe he's a maniac.

Maybe you're gonna
have to sleep on the couch.

Erica, maybe the hell you know

is better than
the one you don't.

What about us?

LYNN:
Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous.

ALL : Lifestyles
of the Rich and Famous.

-Very rich.
-Lifestyles.

Mom's in love.
Guess who with?

-I haven't a clue.
-Arnold Moss.

Your mother
does not mess around.

It's so disgusting.

MIA: No, listen, Opal.
I think that's very nice

that your mother's
having a relationship.

-Sex. She's having sex.
-Yes, well,

I guess that's part of it,
but it's not all of it.

I mean, it couldn't possibly be,
I mean, not with The Moss.

MIA: I'm sorry.
Oh, God, I'm sorry.

I should not be
laughing at your tragedy.

Do you do it?

-MIA: What?
-OPAL: Have sex?

MIA: Oh, yes, sure.

-Do you.
-Sure.

You know, your mother
will probably

be on this show some day.
If she's sleeping with The Moss,

she's headed
straight for the top.

You're right. We'll probably
never see her again

unless she's on television.
Or unless she can manage

to combine being home
with being on television.

Welcome to "Lifestyles
of the Almost Rich,

Nearly Famous
and Never Home."

Tonight, we travel the subway
to the west side of Manhattan

to visit the apartment
of comedian Dottie Ingels.

This is Martin the doorman
whose cousin

painted Dottie Ingels' walls
that she almost never sees.

Martin, tell me,

how often would you say
the almost rich, nearly famous

and never home Dottie Ingels
is actually in residence?

Is it fair to say never?

We'll take that shrug
to mean almost never,

because on this cloudy day
in May when

"Lifestyles of the Almost Rich,
Nearly Famous, and Never Home"

decided to visit
comedian Dottie Ingels,

she agreed for once to be there
since her appearance will be

on television and will
possibly further her career.

Dottie and I sat
in her bedroom

amidst the dots
she is nearly famous for

and talked.
Dottie, tell me,

where do you
get your material?

All artists use things
from their lives, Robin.

And I am no exception.
No sirree.

For instance, my aunt,
who saved me and my two girls...

Or is it boys?

No, I believe I have girls.
And, what are their names?

Ah, never mind,
it'll come to me.

My aunt, who saved me from
starvation and poverty, died,

and the next thing you know,
she was a joke in my act.

My daughter got all upset

and the first chance I had,
I blabbed it on television.

I use people up
and I spit them out.

Now, I am sleeping
with a very important person.

And pretending to be in love.
I mean, what,

I ask you,
what is the point of love

if it can't get you somewhere?
But that's another story.

Oh, there are my two girls now.
Oh, at least I think it's them.

Erica, don't chew your hair.
Opal, you're perfect.

Open your ears, close your eyes,
are you paying attention?

This is a life lesson.
Everything is material.

I'll be back in 20 years.

Think of it
as an adventure, girls.

Mia, Lynn...
If you'll excuse us.

You ungrateful, selfish bitch!

-You shut your mouth, Erica.
-No!

This is the first time
that I've been away from you

in your entire life!

Don't I ever get a turn?

Isn't it ever okay for me
to have a life?

You know, I really don't
understand this.

When I was unhappy,
my daughters were happy.

Now that I'm happy,
you're miserable.

Is that fair? Is it?

I'm not talking
with him in the room.

He's with me.

Oh, so you're choosing
between us?

My dad would really love this
if he knew about it.

Your dad?
If you're so unhappy,

why don't you go live
with your dad?

-Maybe I will.
-Good.

Oh, right, I forgot.
You don't know where he is.

And I don't know
where he is.

Could that be because he doesn't
give a damn about any of us?

No! Of course not!

Just because
he couldn't stand you

doesn't mean he doesn't
care about what happens to us.

-You shut up!
-I hate you!

Excuse me,
I have homework.

On the weekend?

I have homework every weekend,
but you wouldn't know.

DOTTIE: What do they
expect me to do?

Do they want me to go back
to the cosmetics counter?

Do you want me
to sell cosmetics forever?

Is that what you want?

ERICA: Get out! Just get out!

All right!

Who was I suppose
to leave them with?

Other people have
husbands, relatives, somebody.

Who was I supposed
to leave you with anyway?

You solve this problem!
You tell me, all right!

Fishka fishka foon,
fishka fishka foon...

Erica,
I don't have anyone!

I don't have
anyone to help me!

OPAL: She really doesn't.

Sorry, Erica.

Fishka fishka foon,
fishka fishka foon,

fishka fishka foon...

Opening on West End Avenue,
a revival of flapjacks.

Come on. Hey, come on,
we can talk.

Opal, sweetheart?

Erica?

Erica?

Erica?

-Hi, you been waiting long?
-No.

Oh, that's good,
because I've got the TV going

and the vacuum.
I didn't hear a damn thing.

What are you selling?
I'm always looking.

I'm Erica Ingels.
This is Opal.

Oh, then you must be
relatives of Norm's.

-I'm his wife, Martha.
-We're his children.

You don't say.

I do believe that he mentioned
he had kids once upon a time.

Well, come on in.
Won't Norm be surprised.

Norm? Hi. I've got
a big surprise for you.

Your girls are here.

Erica and Opal.

No kidding.

Okay.

He was real surprised.
He'll be here in two shakes.

What does he do?

Oh, dear. You don't
even know what he does?

He's a middleman,
and to tell the truth,

I don't know
exactly what that is,

except it does have
something to do with fruit.

You mean he gets a bunch
of apples from someplace

and gets them to the A&P?

Maybe. He told me
a couple of times,

but it just flew
right out of my head.

Hon, just the other day.
I was reading this article

in People magazine about the man
who murdered his entire family,

including the grandma,
18 years ago.

Then he went off,
got married again.

And his new wife
had absolutely no idea.

I said to myself,
"Martha, that could be you.

You don't know the
least little thing about Norm,

and what he tells you,
you forget."

You want some lemonade?

-No, thank you.
-Yes, thanks.

-Look.
-What?

They have carpeting.

I never should've said
anything to you about carpeting.

You're obsessed
with carpeting.

I called all their friends.

I called the baby-sitters.

-Should I call the police?
-They're going to be back.

I promise you
they're going to be back.

Sit tight.
The phone is gonna ring.

It's not ringing.

Come here
and sit next to me.

We'll wait.

I'm a terrible person.

They love you.

People love terrible people
all the time.

That's true. Someone
was married to Pol Pot.

Erica was right.

I really didn't
think about them.

I mean,
I did think about them.

In the beginning, I thought
about them all the time.

I spent 16 years doing nothing
but thinking about them.

And now, I spent three months
thinking about myself

and I feel like
I murdered them.

You had to travel,
it's part of work.

Look, kids are happy
when their mother is happy.

No, they're not.

Everyone says that,
but it's not true.

Kids are happy if you're there.
You give kids a choice:

your mother in the next room
on the verge of suicide

versus your mother
in Hawaii in ecstasy.

They choose suicide
in the next room, believe me.

Did you ever see
It's A Wonderful Life?

Sure.

It's about this guy who has
dreams, he wants to travel,

he wants to build bridges.
But in the end we're supposed

to believe that he's better off
because he never did any of it?

Now, that's all crap.
It's crap.

-I love that movie.
-Well, it's total crap.

That's not what
that movie is saying.

It's saying,
if a person stays home,

they can make an enormous
difference in the people's lives

who are near to them.

If it weren't for Jimmy Stewart,
his brother would have died,

the pharmacist
would have gone to jail...

his children...

He never ever
would have had his children.

His children
never would have been born.

What pharmacist?

There's a pharmacist.

I don't remember
any pharmacist.

What am I going to do?

Did, ah, something happen
to your mother?

She's a comedian.

But is she all right?
Is she sick or anything?

No. She's never home.
We never see her.

-Well, where is she?
-ERICA: She's home.

-OPAL: With "the moss".
-Oh, I've heard of that.

Once you get it,
you can never get rid of it.

She might get married.

How nice.

She's getting married.
And she's a comedian.

She's a comedian?

Yes.

People pay money to see her?
That's funny.

What's so funny about it?

She's been on television.
She's been in Las Vegas.

I don't see
what's so funny about it.

Look, I'm not surprised
that Dottie's run off

to be in show business.
That's all she cared about.

That's not all she cared about.
That's not fair.

She didn't run off.

She didn't even
try to become a comedian

until Aunt Harriet died
and she finally had enough money

on top of what
she needed for all of us.

Your mother and I
don't get along.

I remember.

I don't.
I mean, I tried.

But I don't remember anything.
Except when you left,

You said we were
going to be fidgety like Mom.

Oh, my God.
I just remembered something.

It just popped out.

Don't you remember it, Erica?
You were there.

Norm, they came all the way
to Albany to see you.

-I think we should go now.
-No. Stay.

Have some lunch, hons.

I'll make you
some egg salad sandwiches,

and then
we'll put you on the bus.

-The train.
-The train.

It's gate 12.

You're all set?

-Is there any diabetes?
-Where?

-Anywhere?
-I don't think so.

Although,
it's possible that my...

No, no,
that was some other thing.

-Do you need some money?
-Do you want our address?

Here's a 20.

Sure. Great.
I'd like your address.

Does anyone have
anything to write with?

Mom. Mom always has
something to write with.

Look, uh, you girls
better get on the train.

You have my address,
so send me yours.

Just, uh,
stick it in the mail.

Okay.

Well...

Keep in touch.

He never said we were
going to be fidgety like Mom.

He did, too.

He said we were
going to be "frigid" like Mom.

Oh. What does that mean?

Cold.

Mom's not cold.

In bed. Cold in bed.

Do you think
Mom's cold in bed?

With him, probably.
Who wouldn't be?

-Look! It's Mom, Erica!
-Here! I am here!

BOTH: Mom! Mom! Mom!

I'm here! Oh, Erica! Oh!

Oh, Mom,
I love you so much.

I love you!
I love you!

-I'm so sorry. So sorry...
-Don't worry

-It was my fault.
-No, no, no, it was my fault.

I didn't realize...
I love you!

Mom, guess what we saw
on the train?

What did you see,
sweetheart?

-A man in a hairnet.
-You did? Sweetheart.

OPAL: It was only a day, Mom.

DOTTIE: I know, sweetheart.
The longest day of my life.

Let's go home...

How did you know
which train we'd be on?

-Norm's wife called me.
-Martha called you?

Well, she didn't tell me
her name.

She just said
she was Norm's wife.

-She was nice.
-Nicer than him.

ERICA: So we made up.
And mom, for once,

didn't mention life lessons.

The one time
there probably was one.

I don't know how
to explain what happened to me.

It was like
I was shot into orbit.

The air was thinner.
I lost my mind.

And you know,
I wish more than anything

that someday,
the same thing happens to you.

Only I hope it happens
before you have children.

Afterwards, it's complicated.
It's very complicated.

I was away too much.
I'm not going to be away

-so much anymore, okay?
-Okay.

-Promise?
-Yes. Yes, I do.

But if something
great comes up?

I'll do it.
We'll work it out.

Somehow we're going
to work this out.

-How?
-I have no idea.

Couldn't you do a TV show?
Then you could stay at home.

-Yeah, sure. Yeah.
-No, really. I mean it.

Well, it's possible.

It could be about a woman
who works at a makeup counter

-in Queens.
-Yeah. Absolutely.

A single mother
and her two kids.

-Only they're not you.
-Absolutely not.

Right. I mean, they don't
even have to be girls.

-They could be boys.
-Boys?

Oh, we don't
want to be boys.

No? All right, well then,
they're girls, they're girls.

You can pick their names.
What do you want to be called?

Felice.

Are you serious?

-Okay. Chenille.
-Chenille? Oh, great.

Muah!

I have a younger daughter
named Chenille.

Veronica.

Oh, sweetheart.
That's who you are.

What about The Moss?

Maybe you'll get to like
the moss. He grows on you.

What about the dots?