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1
00:00:28,640 --> 00:00:30,280
All right?
2
00:00:31,560 --> 00:00:34,000
You the cleaner?
No, I'm Bill Clinton.
3
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All right. I've been told to wait
for the cleaner.
4
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I am the cleaner.
5
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I needed a hobby after the scandal.
6
00:00:45,640 --> 00:00:46,960
Where do I go?
7
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Lovely.
8
00:00:59,480 --> 00:01:01,520
Mind your head.
9
00:01:18,640 --> 00:01:20,400
Oh, right.
10
00:01:20,400 --> 00:01:23,080
Quite a mess, isn't it?
11
00:01:23,080 --> 00:01:27,360
Welcome, I am Mr Abahassine.
12
00:01:27,360 --> 00:01:30,440
Hello. What the hell happened?
13
00:01:30,440 --> 00:01:33,960
Rather a large and out-of-control
crowd fight, I fear.
14
00:01:33,960 --> 00:01:36,560
A crowd fight? At a play?
15
00:01:36,560 --> 00:01:38,200
What was the play? Was it...
16
00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:43,080
..Rocky? Was that a play first?
17
00:01:43,080 --> 00:01:45,960
Do you know, I've just realised
I don't know the name of one play?
18
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Would that it was a play that they
were watching, dear fellow.
19
00:01:56,759 --> 00:01:59,120
Strippers?
20
00:01:59,120 --> 00:02:01,920
Well, what are strippers doing
at the theatre?
21
00:02:01,920 --> 00:02:07,040
One does what one must in order to
ensure the survival of the theatre.
22
00:02:07,040 --> 00:02:09,800
DOOR CLOSES
23
00:02:07,040 --> 00:02:09,800
Selina!
24
00:02:09,800 --> 00:02:13,200
Selina, run and turn on
the espresso machine.
25
00:02:13,200 --> 00:02:15,880
Our friend here must be parched.
The wha?
26
00:02:15,880 --> 00:02:20,280
The hissy, steamy machine that you
burnt your finger on yesterday!
27
00:02:20,280 --> 00:02:21,920
Kills.
28
00:02:26,280 --> 00:02:29,720
Hard to find the staff out here
in the sticks.
29
00:02:29,720 --> 00:02:34,320
Yes. I'm not one to judge, but she
does seem to be...
30
00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:36,200
..a miserable shit.
31
00:02:36,200 --> 00:02:39,120
I don't think she's yet developed
her passion for the theatre,
32
00:02:39,120 --> 00:02:42,440
or for anything else at all.
33
00:02:42,440 --> 00:02:47,760
We cannot know what our place is
in this great tapestry of life.
34
00:02:47,760 --> 00:02:50,680
So true. When I was her age, I...
35
00:02:50,680 --> 00:02:52,760
..I thought I'd be a kung fu master.
36
00:02:52,760 --> 00:02:55,200
We all find our place eventually.
37
00:02:55,200 --> 00:03:00,000
Yeah, fine. But for the record, I
still intend to be a kung fu master.
38
00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:04,160
ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYS: Do what you
can being who you are,
39
00:03:04,160 --> 00:03:06,320
shine like a glow-worm
40
00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:09,000
if you can't be a star.
41
00:03:09,000 --> 00:03:12,320
Ah. Well, I like that!
42
00:03:12,320 --> 00:03:15,800
Oh, yeah. That'll give me
inspiration to clean up...
43
00:03:15,800 --> 00:03:17,680
What did you say happened here,
a fight?
44
00:03:17,680 --> 00:03:23,079
I think the Donkey Boyz brought up
the temperature too soon.
45
00:03:23,079 --> 00:03:27,240
Ten minutes in,
we had a 40-woman brawl.
46
00:03:27,240 --> 00:03:32,200
Well, the theatre is probably the
wrong place to announce this, but...
47
00:03:32,200 --> 00:03:33,800
..that rather turns me on.
48
00:03:39,400 --> 00:03:41,440
I'll leave you to it. Yes.
49
00:03:41,440 --> 00:03:43,480
MUSIC: Ladies' Night
by Kool & The Gang
50
00:03:43,480 --> 00:03:45,320
# Mmm, oh, yeah
51
00:03:45,320 --> 00:03:47,120
# Oh, what a night
52
00:03:58,280 --> 00:04:00,720
# Oh, yes, it's ladies' night
53
00:04:00,720 --> 00:04:02,800
# And the feeling's right
54
00:04:02,800 --> 00:04:04,680
# Oh, yes, it's ladies' night
55
00:04:04,680 --> 00:04:07,320
# Oh, what a night
Oh, what a night
56
00:04:07,320 --> 00:04:09,400
# Oh, yes, it's ladies' night
57
00:04:09,400 --> 00:04:11,360
# And the feeling's right
58
00:04:11,360 --> 00:04:13,360
# Oh, yes, it's ladies' night
59
00:04:13,360 --> 00:04:16,519
# Oh, what a night
Huh!
60
00:04:16,519 --> 00:04:21,000
# On disco lights
Your name will be seen
61
00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:25,000
# You can fulfil all your dreams
62
00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:28,840
# Party here, party there
Everywhere
63
00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:33,520
# Come on, let's all celebrate
64
00:04:33,520 --> 00:04:37,520
# La-La-Lady, lady, I love you... #
65
00:04:39,080 --> 00:04:40,720
What! Oh, come on!
66
00:04:40,720 --> 00:04:42,760
Oh! Ah, ah! Argh!
67
00:04:45,240 --> 00:04:47,280
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey!
68
00:04:47,280 --> 00:04:48,920
Ah!
69
00:04:48,920 --> 00:04:50,960
Jesus Christ!
70
00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:54,200
CLAPPING
71
00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:54,200
MAN: Bravo! Encore!
72
00:04:54,200 --> 00:04:56,080
Hello?
73
00:04:56,080 --> 00:04:58,320
The perfect fall.
74
00:04:58,320 --> 00:05:01,200
What a gift. Who are you?
75
00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:03,400
Who am I?
76
00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:03,400
MAN CHUCKLES
77
00:05:03,400 --> 00:05:05,400
ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYS
78
00:05:07,240 --> 00:05:09,280
I am...
79
00:05:10,320 --> 00:05:12,360
..Strazzamo.
80
00:05:13,360 --> 00:05:14,800
Who?
81
00:05:14,800 --> 00:05:18,480
Oh, I'm performing here tonight.
But listen, what time are you on?
82
00:05:18,480 --> 00:05:20,440
I'd love to see the whole show.
83
00:05:20,440 --> 00:05:22,240
What? Help me!
84
00:05:22,240 --> 00:05:24,280
I'm trapped under a donkey dick.
85
00:05:24,280 --> 00:05:26,480
The timing was perfection.
86
00:05:26,480 --> 00:05:28,640
The sound of impact went through me.
87
00:05:28,640 --> 00:05:31,040
The landing, almost grotesque.
88
00:05:31,040 --> 00:05:33,320
I thought you had genuinely
hurt yourself.
89
00:05:33,320 --> 00:05:35,800
I HAVE genuinely hurt myself!
90
00:05:37,040 --> 00:05:39,720
It wasn't a deliberate fall?
OK, I'm going to say it again.
91
00:05:39,720 --> 00:05:42,360
I've genuinely hurt myself
and I'm stuck under a dick.
92
00:05:43,880 --> 00:05:45,520
Ah!
93
00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:53,159
But your costume and look is iconic.
94
00:05:54,240 --> 00:05:57,520
It's not a costume. I'm not a clown!
95
00:05:57,520 --> 00:06:00,160
Who are you? I'm here to clean.
96
00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:01,880
I presume you'd like me to clean,
97
00:06:01,880 --> 00:06:05,080
or would you prefer your audience
to be sitting in hen-party juice.
98
00:06:05,080 --> 00:06:07,680
And by juice, I mean blood.
99
00:06:07,680 --> 00:06:10,000
And piss!
100
00:06:10,000 --> 00:06:12,320
You're just a cleaner?
101
00:06:12,320 --> 00:06:14,080
Oh!
102
00:06:14,080 --> 00:06:15,800
Argh!
103
00:06:15,800 --> 00:06:18,720
I am a crime scene cleaner.
104
00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:23,520
What a waste of such natural
attributes.
105
00:06:23,520 --> 00:06:25,160
Freakishly tall.
106
00:06:25,160 --> 00:06:27,080
Hilariously fat.
107
00:06:28,520 --> 00:06:31,320
You poke me again, you won't need
that red nose.
108
00:06:31,320 --> 00:06:33,200
Actually, the, er...
109
00:06:33,200 --> 00:06:34,680
..nose is more of a symbol.
110
00:06:34,680 --> 00:06:36,920
It's sort of an implicit contract
between me and the audience...
111
00:06:36,920 --> 00:06:38,560
I'm threatening you!
112
00:06:39,880 --> 00:06:42,720
Oh, that's really good.
Gave me chills.
113
00:06:42,720 --> 00:06:44,480
Really scary.
114
00:06:44,480 --> 00:06:46,720
Where do you want this?
115
00:06:46,720 --> 00:06:48,440
Is that an espresso?
116
00:06:48,440 --> 00:06:51,000
Delightful. Could I, erm...
Could I have one, too,
117
00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:52,840
but could you make sure it's the
Kenyan bean
118
00:06:52,840 --> 00:06:54,480
as opposed to the Italian?
119
00:07:04,280 --> 00:07:07,680
Now, this is a SOC... SOCO suit.
Yeah, Scene Of Crime.
120
00:07:07,680 --> 00:07:09,560
It's wonderful.
121
00:07:09,560 --> 00:07:11,840
I can really do something with it.
Something...
122
00:07:11,840 --> 00:07:13,480
..Soviet era.
123
00:07:13,480 --> 00:07:16,040
Strazzamo takes on the extinction
of humanity
124
00:07:16,040 --> 00:07:19,960
against the backdrop of the Cold War
with Soviet Russia.
125
00:07:19,960 --> 00:07:23,720
Hey! Hey, that reminds me of that
joke. Do you remember that?
126
00:07:23,720 --> 00:07:25,960
What do you call a Russian
with three balls?
127
00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:30,240
What? A Russian with three balls,
what do you call him?
128
00:07:30,240 --> 00:07:32,880
I don't know and I'm not sure
I want to know. You do!
129
00:07:34,800 --> 00:07:36,840
Whodyanickya Bollockov.
130
00:07:39,320 --> 00:07:41,720
You can use that in your show. What?
131
00:07:41,720 --> 00:07:44,880
SLOWLY: Who d'you nick
your bollock off?
132
00:07:44,880 --> 00:07:47,120
No, I heard you the first time.
Thank you.
133
00:07:49,280 --> 00:07:51,320
He says you can have this one
for free
134
00:07:51,320 --> 00:07:53,720
but you'll have to pay for
the others. Bless you.
135
00:07:53,720 --> 00:07:55,760
Yeah, just like my jokes.
Hey, you'll like this.
136
00:07:55,760 --> 00:07:57,880
Huh?! What do you call a Russian
with three balls?
137
00:07:57,880 --> 00:08:00,360
She won't know it, she's too young.
Yes, she will, it's famous.
138
00:08:00,360 --> 00:08:02,640
In the playground in 1985.
139
00:08:05,040 --> 00:08:07,680
Whodyanickya Bollockov. Ha?
140
00:08:07,680 --> 00:08:10,480
Wha? Nonsense. Tough crowd.
141
00:08:18,320 --> 00:08:20,360
HE GROANS
142
00:08:22,960 --> 00:08:24,600
No.
143
00:08:30,680 --> 00:08:32,760
Pink poodle! So original.
144
00:08:32,760 --> 00:08:34,799
Howdy, partner?
145
00:08:34,799 --> 00:08:36,840
What part of the show's this?
146
00:08:37,880 --> 00:08:39,520
It isn't. Oh.
147
00:08:40,559 --> 00:08:42,240
This?
148
00:08:42,240 --> 00:08:45,920
Oh! These are the Donkey Boyz'
props, aren't they?
149
00:08:45,920 --> 00:08:49,200
Clearly. Oh. Could you have
a sexy clown?
150
00:08:49,200 --> 00:08:51,880
Might be a whole new market
for you. Huh!
151
00:08:51,880 --> 00:08:55,360
I tend to steer away from
lowest common denominator stuff.
152
00:08:55,360 --> 00:08:56,440
Clearly.
153
00:08:58,600 --> 00:09:01,480
SQUEAKING
154
00:08:58,600 --> 00:09:01,480
How do you even become a clown?
155
00:09:01,480 --> 00:09:03,600
I got the calling late in life.
156
00:09:03,600 --> 00:09:05,400
Did the circus come to town?
157
00:09:05,400 --> 00:09:07,440
They can be very seductive.
158
00:09:07,440 --> 00:09:10,800
My cousin got up the duff from
one of those "smoky-eyed boys"
159
00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:12,720
who tend the horses. Her words.
160
00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:14,600
I think his name was Raoul.
161
00:09:16,080 --> 00:09:18,160
We'd hired a clown for our son's
second birthday
162
00:09:18,160 --> 00:09:20,400
and last minute he called in sick.
163
00:09:20,400 --> 00:09:23,000
I just knew I couldn't let those
kids down.
164
00:09:23,000 --> 00:09:26,200
What did he say was wrong with him?
I think he said he had arthritis.
165
00:09:26,200 --> 00:09:27,880
Oh, yeah.
166
00:09:27,880 --> 00:09:30,760
Because arthritis famously comes on
overnight, doesn't it?
167
00:09:30,760 --> 00:09:32,800
He was hungover.
168
00:09:32,800 --> 00:09:35,120
You hired a pissed clown. Carry on.
169
00:09:37,080 --> 00:09:39,040
I found some balloons...
170
00:09:39,040 --> 00:09:41,600
..and some of my wife's make-up,
and...
171
00:09:41,600 --> 00:09:44,000
ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYS: ..I don't know
what happened then.
172
00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:47,160
I just started to perform and it
just seemed to come out of me.
173
00:09:47,160 --> 00:09:49,400
Flow from somewhere.
174
00:09:49,400 --> 00:09:51,600
I just became...
175
00:09:51,600 --> 00:09:53,040
..the clown.
176
00:09:54,200 --> 00:09:56,360
And the children laughed.
177
00:09:56,360 --> 00:09:59,800
They laughed and laughed.
178
00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:01,840
I was a triumph.
179
00:10:01,840 --> 00:10:03,320
Right.
180
00:10:03,320 --> 00:10:06,480
Because toddlers are famously
hard to make laugh, aren't they?
181
00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:08,440
My nephew laughs at the word
"pancake."
182
00:10:08,440 --> 00:10:10,760
He literally pisses himself.
The boy's a moron.
183
00:10:11,840 --> 00:10:14,320
Actually, we...we do think there's
something wrong with him.
184
00:10:14,320 --> 00:10:18,600
I knew there and then that I had
stumbled upon my destiny.
185
00:10:19,840 --> 00:10:21,880
I resigned the next day.
186
00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:29,440
From what? Reality?
187
00:10:29,440 --> 00:10:31,120
I was a corporate financial adviser.
188
00:10:31,120 --> 00:10:33,080
Just about to be made partner,
actually.
189
00:10:33,080 --> 00:10:34,720
You're not joking, are you?
190
00:10:34,720 --> 00:10:36,920
Within a month, I'd used my savings
to invest in the
191
00:10:36,920 --> 00:10:39,280
Marcel Marceau School Of Mime
in Paris.
192
00:10:39,280 --> 00:10:41,120
In France? Paris, yes.
193
00:10:42,840 --> 00:10:47,040
And what about you? How did you
become a crime scene cleaner?
194
00:10:47,040 --> 00:10:50,520
Oh. My mate said
there was a job going.
195
00:10:50,520 --> 00:10:53,440
Cleaning, but for crime scenes,
and...
196
00:10:53,440 --> 00:10:55,920
..I applied, and I...I got it.
197
00:10:55,920 --> 00:10:58,560
Mm. And you love it?
198
00:11:01,480 --> 00:11:03,320
I better get on.
199
00:11:06,680 --> 00:11:08,920
And you're married, yeah? Yes.
200
00:11:08,920 --> 00:11:10,720
Yeah, we have a son.
201
00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:13,880
And you can support everyone
doing this, yeah?
202
00:11:16,080 --> 00:11:18,840
Well, Tara had to get a part-time
job when I started, but..
203
00:11:18,840 --> 00:11:20,880
..she supports my dreams.
204
00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:24,040
I see.
205
00:11:52,920 --> 00:11:54,960
HE SNEEZES
206
00:11:58,080 --> 00:12:00,120
EXHALING
207
00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:11,200
Did you learn that in Paris?
208
00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:13,600
What's that supposed to mean?
No need to be defensive, mate.
209
00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:15,600
I was just wondering if blowing up
the big balloon
210
00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:17,880
was part of the training?
Well, was...
211
00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:23,040
..getting a cleaning cloth out of
a bag part of your training?
212
00:12:24,880 --> 00:12:27,480
Yeah? I developed this act myself.
213
00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:31,040
I learnt the discipline in Paris.
The art...
214
00:12:31,040 --> 00:12:33,600
..is all mine. Ah, right.
215
00:12:33,600 --> 00:12:37,200
And did they teach you how to run
in those big, long clown shoes? No!
216
00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:40,000
Paris was a mime course. Are...
217
00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:42,080
Are you actually interested?
I really am.
218
00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:48,440
Well...
219
00:12:49,480 --> 00:12:52,480
On one day of the course,
I mean, for the whole day,
220
00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:54,120
we just...
221
00:12:56,440 --> 00:12:59,920
..picked a single imaginary...
222
00:13:03,880 --> 00:13:05,520
..daisy.
223
00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:08,880
And you know what?
224
00:13:08,880 --> 00:13:12,640
After the fourth hour,
I swear I could see that flower
225
00:13:12,640 --> 00:13:15,120
caught in the dying summer light.
226
00:13:16,920 --> 00:13:18,960
HE LAUGHS
227
00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:21,000
How much did Marcel charge you
for that?
228
00:13:22,040 --> 00:13:25,200
Always about money!
Why don't you say what you mean?
229
00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:27,040
You clearly have a problem with
what I do.
230
00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:29,440
No, I'm just saying, it sounds like
a boring day.
231
00:13:29,440 --> 00:13:32,640
Nowhere near as fascinating as
mopping up some stains, I'm sure.
232
00:13:32,640 --> 00:13:35,600
I don't use a mop. This is not
a mop. It looks like a mop,
233
00:13:35,600 --> 00:13:37,640
it's not a mop. It's a specialist
piece of equipment,
234
00:13:37,640 --> 00:13:39,680
and I'll tell you...
235
00:13:37,640 --> 00:13:39,680
ALARM BELL RINGS
236
00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:47,480
He says we have to evacuate.
237
00:13:47,480 --> 00:13:49,520
Or whatever.
238
00:13:56,360 --> 00:13:59,600
Where did you lose your massive
clown shoes? In a fire?
239
00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:02,760
For the second time, I don't have
any massive shoes.
240
00:14:02,760 --> 00:14:06,000
What, how come? How are you going to
do that funny walk that clowns do?
241
00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:09,880
Whatever you think a clown is,
242
00:14:09,880 --> 00:14:10,880
I'm not that.
243
00:14:11,880 --> 00:14:15,440
Well, you've got one of those cars
that fall apart. Hoo-ha!
244
00:14:15,440 --> 00:14:18,680
A clown's a clown, mate. A clown
is most certainly NOT a clown.
245
00:14:18,680 --> 00:14:21,600
Clowns are shit.
Sharper than she looks.
246
00:14:21,600 --> 00:14:23,760
I do apologise.
247
00:14:23,760 --> 00:14:26,360
The alarm is rather outdated
248
00:14:26,360 --> 00:14:30,960
and has to be remotely reset
by the fire department.
249
00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:32,720
Good news, however.
250
00:14:32,720 --> 00:14:37,360
Chef has arrived
if anyone would enjoy lunch.
251
00:14:37,360 --> 00:14:39,400
Lovely. Good.
252
00:14:40,440 --> 00:14:42,480
Come on.
253
00:14:44,000 --> 00:14:46,040
MUNCHING
254
00:14:48,320 --> 00:14:50,000
Hungry?
255
00:14:51,800 --> 00:14:53,640
How does it pay. Hmm?
256
00:14:53,640 --> 00:14:56,120
Crime scene cleaning.
Ah, it's all right.
257
00:14:57,560 --> 00:14:59,800
All bought and paid for.
258
00:14:59,800 --> 00:15:01,640
You're a sole trader, right?
259
00:15:01,640 --> 00:15:04,720
What? You work for a company
or yourself?
260
00:15:04,720 --> 00:15:06,640
Oh, for a company. Lausen.
261
00:15:06,640 --> 00:15:08,360
No, you should go self-employed.
262
00:15:08,360 --> 00:15:10,880
Start a limited company and let
them contract you as a freelancer.
263
00:15:10,880 --> 00:15:12,680
Beneficial tax and VAT outcomes.
264
00:15:13,760 --> 00:15:15,920
Now, that's useful.
265
00:15:24,120 --> 00:15:26,360
I want to be extraordinary, Wicky.
266
00:15:30,400 --> 00:15:33,640
Er, I presume mine is comped. Huh?!
267
00:15:33,640 --> 00:15:36,000
Because I'm performing.
268
00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:38,040
SHE SIGHS
269
00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:38,040
He said you'd say that.
270
00:15:38,040 --> 00:15:42,000
And he says it's not free.
"Tell the clown it's not free."
271
00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:44,560
No problem, no problem. I'll, er,
pay you from receipts
272
00:15:44,560 --> 00:15:47,200
after the show. Er, how many have
I sold?
273
00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:49,000
So far, four tickets.
274
00:15:49,000 --> 00:15:51,040
Four?! Four.
275
00:15:57,240 --> 00:15:59,040
I'll get it.
276
00:15:59,040 --> 00:16:00,760
Oh.
277
00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:01,960
Well, that's very kind.
278
00:16:03,760 --> 00:16:06,560
How often are you playing
to four people?
279
00:16:06,560 --> 00:16:09,360
More often than not. And you don't
think sometimes,
280
00:16:09,360 --> 00:16:11,960
"Oh, I'll just go back to my really
well-paid job
281
00:16:11,960 --> 00:16:14,120
"where I advise people how to
avoid tax"?
282
00:16:14,120 --> 00:16:18,080
Never. Success is about touching
people,
283
00:16:18,080 --> 00:16:21,480
regardless of the number.
Yeah, I've touched loads of people.
284
00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:23,160
Well, about 12.
285
00:16:23,160 --> 00:16:25,640
So, what happens if no-one
turns up? I'd still perform.
286
00:16:25,640 --> 00:16:27,560
Wouldn't you find that massively
depressing?
287
00:16:27,560 --> 00:16:29,320
I could've stayed in finance.
288
00:16:29,320 --> 00:16:31,440
Been just another suit.
289
00:16:31,440 --> 00:16:35,600
Now my colleagues are Grimaldi,
Marceau, Chaplin,
290
00:16:35,600 --> 00:16:38,320
Keaton. Yeah.
291
00:16:38,320 --> 00:16:40,160
And my auntie potters around
the garden,
292
00:16:40,160 --> 00:16:42,200
so she's best mates with Monty Don.
293
00:16:43,440 --> 00:16:45,360
Actually, she does think that.
294
00:16:45,360 --> 00:16:47,120
We should probably get her best
checked.
295
00:16:49,200 --> 00:16:50,840
Let me show you my act.
296
00:16:51,840 --> 00:16:54,560
Oh, no, you're all right.
It could be payback for the lunch.
297
00:16:54,560 --> 00:16:57,280
Please, I want you to understand
my passion. Please.
298
00:16:59,880 --> 00:17:02,040
WICKY SIGHS
299
00:16:59,880 --> 00:17:02,040
Yes!
300
00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:06,720
DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS
301
00:17:14,440 --> 00:17:18,480
Ah. So, this backdrop, you need to
imagine it's something abstract.
302
00:17:18,480 --> 00:17:20,800
Something playful yet intense.
303
00:17:20,800 --> 00:17:22,599
You know, welcoming yet horrifying.
304
00:17:22,599 --> 00:17:24,920
So not the Donkey Boyz.
No, not Donkey Boyz.
305
00:17:28,520 --> 00:17:30,840
DRAMATIC MUSIC RESTARTS
306
00:17:32,480 --> 00:17:34,640
HE WAILS
307
00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:37,720
HORN TOOTS AND SLIDE WHISTLE
308
00:17:37,720 --> 00:17:39,960
Milk me, milk me, milk me, milk me,
milk me.
309
00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:42,800
HORN TOOTS AND TEARING
310
00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:42,800
Oh!
311
00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:44,840
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
312
00:17:44,840 --> 00:17:48,240
FARTING
313
00:17:44,840 --> 00:17:48,240
Ha-ha! That bit wasn't funny!
314
00:17:48,240 --> 00:17:50,280
FANFARE PLAYS
315
00:17:53,520 --> 00:17:56,720
OPERA SINGING AND PARTY HOOTER
316
00:17:56,720 --> 00:17:58,760
STRAZZAMO SOBS
317
00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:02,400
CLASSICAL MUSIC AND HORN TOOTS
318
00:18:06,600 --> 00:18:08,240
There.
319
00:18:09,400 --> 00:18:11,360
Wow.
320
00:18:11,360 --> 00:18:14,320
Just wow? Just wow.
321
00:18:14,320 --> 00:18:16,480
So? No notes?
322
00:18:16,480 --> 00:18:19,120
So...I'd better get on.
323
00:18:19,120 --> 00:18:21,680
Well done, though. Very energetic.
324
00:18:21,680 --> 00:18:23,680
I mean, when you were blowing that
big balloon up,
325
00:18:23,680 --> 00:18:25,720
I thought you were going to give
yourself a prolapse.
326
00:18:25,720 --> 00:18:27,760
So...good.
327
00:18:27,760 --> 00:18:31,680
Right, this place isn't going to
sterilise itself.
328
00:18:31,680 --> 00:18:35,080
W-W-What did you think? Look.
329
00:18:35,080 --> 00:18:38,280
Seriously, I don't think I should be
the person to... Please, Wicky.
330
00:18:38,280 --> 00:18:40,160
I want your opinion.
331
00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:44,480
Honest, unvarnished opinion
from the...common man.
332
00:18:44,480 --> 00:18:46,520
HE SIGHS
333
00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:55,200
Shit.
334
00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:56,840
Sorry, what?
335
00:18:56,840 --> 00:18:58,560
I thought your act was shit.
336
00:18:58,560 --> 00:19:03,360
I-I-I think maybe you didn't
understand some of the imagery.
337
00:19:03,360 --> 00:19:05,720
No, I did. I understood all of it.
338
00:19:05,720 --> 00:19:07,960
I thought it was all shit.
339
00:19:07,960 --> 00:19:09,600
I'm sorry, mate.
340
00:19:09,600 --> 00:19:13,040
I'm probably not the person to ask,
but I found Strazzamo...
341
00:19:14,800 --> 00:19:16,520
..annoying.
342
00:19:16,520 --> 00:19:20,120
But the pathos? Mate, a clown
is supposed to be funny.
343
00:19:20,120 --> 00:19:22,880
Says who? Says everyone!
344
00:19:22,880 --> 00:19:24,520
Good God, man.
345
00:19:24,520 --> 00:19:26,880
You're about as funny as
Brian Coyle. Who?
346
00:19:26,880 --> 00:19:29,680
He's a bloke who drinks down my pub
and he is NOT funny.
347
00:19:31,040 --> 00:19:34,920
You just...you just sat there
with this expectation.
348
00:19:34,920 --> 00:19:38,520
"Come on!
Entertain me, make me laugh."
349
00:19:38,520 --> 00:19:41,800
Yeah. Well, that's what you're
supposed to do. That's your job.
350
00:19:41,800 --> 00:19:45,080
Yes, but you have to bring
a certain willingness.
351
00:19:45,080 --> 00:19:48,240
Christ! If I have to bring my own
funny to a clown show,
352
00:19:48,240 --> 00:19:50,040
I may as well go home and
tickle myself.
353
00:19:50,040 --> 00:19:51,800
And I don't mean a special tickle.
354
00:19:51,800 --> 00:19:55,880
Oh. Not all comedy is measured
in decibels.
355
00:19:55,880 --> 00:19:59,560
Sometimes a smile is more valuable
than a laugh.
356
00:19:59,560 --> 00:20:01,440
Yeah. Because when I've seen
a good comedy,
357
00:20:01,440 --> 00:20:04,040
I always say,
"Oh, I smiled my head off."
358
00:20:04,040 --> 00:20:07,320
Wouldn't expect a cleaner to
recognise poetry when he sees it.
359
00:20:07,320 --> 00:20:12,120
Oh, yeah!
Poetry, my sweet, sweet ass!
360
00:20:14,440 --> 00:20:16,480
HE YELLS
361
00:20:19,320 --> 00:20:21,360
Don't do this, mate.
362
00:20:21,360 --> 00:20:24,720
Don't make me add, "Beat the shit
out of a clown" to my CV.
363
00:20:26,160 --> 00:20:28,200
HE YELLS
364
00:20:29,840 --> 00:20:31,880
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey!
365
00:20:33,280 --> 00:20:34,920
You philistine!
366
00:20:34,920 --> 00:20:36,920
You've never tried to achieve
anything!
367
00:20:36,920 --> 00:20:39,440
You're just happy to get paid
and get drunk.
368
00:20:39,440 --> 00:20:41,400
Another one of the zombie army!
369
00:20:41,400 --> 00:20:43,440
STRAZZAMO YELLS
370
00:20:43,440 --> 00:20:45,960
SQUEAKING AND STRAZZAMO WINCES
371
00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:47,840
Yeah!
372
00:20:47,840 --> 00:20:51,440
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.
373
00:20:51,440 --> 00:20:54,360
Not everyone has to have a dream,
have you ever considered that?
374
00:20:54,360 --> 00:20:56,280
What? Of course they do.
375
00:20:56,280 --> 00:20:58,760
We can't all be clowns
or...or firemen.
376
00:20:58,760 --> 00:21:00,720
Some people don't have the
inclination.
377
00:21:00,720 --> 00:21:03,600
Some people are happy to be,
don't need a fantasy.
378
00:21:03,600 --> 00:21:06,760
And if you look closely,
you might find those people
379
00:21:06,760 --> 00:21:08,520
are happier than you!
380
00:21:15,640 --> 00:21:17,880
FIRE ALARM RINGS
381
00:21:17,880 --> 00:21:19,320
Oh!
382
00:21:21,920 --> 00:21:23,960
FIRE ALARM CONTINUES
383
00:21:25,400 --> 00:21:27,760
Oh, dear. Oh, dear me.
384
00:21:27,760 --> 00:21:30,880
You want to get that alarm sorted,
mate. And that bloody doorframe.
385
00:21:30,880 --> 00:21:32,520
Behold!
386
00:21:34,560 --> 00:21:37,200
My God. Selina is still in there!
387
00:21:37,200 --> 00:21:39,080
And the clown.
388
00:21:39,080 --> 00:21:41,120
Zut alors!
389
00:21:55,160 --> 00:21:57,000
Show time.
390
00:22:00,360 --> 00:22:03,480
ACTION HERO-STYLE MUSIC PLAYS
391
00:22:26,160 --> 00:22:28,760
THEY COUGH
392
00:22:28,760 --> 00:22:31,680
I've inhaled too much smoke.
You're going to be fine.
393
00:22:31,680 --> 00:22:34,720
Not this time.
Tell my family I'm sorry.
394
00:22:34,720 --> 00:22:36,440
For everything. No!
395
00:22:36,440 --> 00:22:38,840
Stay with me.
I just need time to think.
396
00:22:39,840 --> 00:22:41,480
FANTASY-STYLE MUSIC PLAYS:
Hello, there.
397
00:22:41,480 --> 00:22:44,400
Perhaps I can help.
398
00:22:44,400 --> 00:22:46,680
You're going to be fine.
399
00:22:46,680 --> 00:22:48,600
Get that blaze under control.
400
00:22:48,600 --> 00:22:50,440
You're a fireman, aren't you?
401
00:22:50,440 --> 00:22:52,960
Please! Can you help?
402
00:22:52,960 --> 00:22:56,720
Roger that, Control.
I could buzz the fire with my jet
403
00:22:56,720 --> 00:22:58,520
and hope it blows it out.
404
00:22:58,520 --> 00:23:00,640
Oh, boy. I could put explosives
405
00:23:00,640 --> 00:23:02,280
around the worst-hit part of
the building.
406
00:23:02,280 --> 00:23:04,360
Blow the fire out, literally.
407
00:23:04,360 --> 00:23:07,520
Guys, we just need a hose.
408
00:23:07,520 --> 00:23:09,960
We can use elephant!
409
00:23:09,960 --> 00:23:11,600
Elephant?
410
00:23:11,600 --> 00:23:13,640
TRUMPETING
411
00:23:30,040 --> 00:23:31,840
Hang on.
412
00:23:31,840 --> 00:23:33,560
I told you.
413
00:23:33,560 --> 00:23:36,200
What? Everyone has a dream.
414
00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:38,440
ECHOING: 'Mind your head, Wicky.'
What are you...
415
00:23:38,440 --> 00:23:40,200
..talking about?
I said, "mind your head".
416
00:23:40,200 --> 00:23:41,920
You hit it on the doorframe again.
417
00:23:43,120 --> 00:23:45,640
WICKY SIGHS
That was worse than a cheese dream.
418
00:23:45,640 --> 00:23:47,480
We all have a dream.
419
00:23:47,480 --> 00:23:50,040
Some of us are just trying to
make ours a reality.
420
00:23:50,040 --> 00:23:52,080
Don't lie to yourself, Wicky.
421
00:23:53,600 --> 00:23:55,880
If all of my dreams became
a reality,
422
00:23:55,880 --> 00:23:57,960
things would get pretty weird,
trust me.
423
00:23:57,960 --> 00:24:00,160
And anyway, you're the one who's
kidding yourself.
424
00:24:00,160 --> 00:24:02,640
You can't even afford your own
lunch.
425
00:24:02,640 --> 00:24:06,640
You just can't face the fact that
your act might not be any good.
426
00:24:06,640 --> 00:24:08,800
That's what's going on here.
427
00:24:06,640 --> 00:24:08,800
WICKY GROANS
428
00:24:29,360 --> 00:24:31,000
All right?
429
00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:32,880
You're right.
430
00:24:32,880 --> 00:24:34,920
Don't listen to me,
I'm a miserable git.
431
00:24:36,600 --> 00:24:38,240
Ten tickets.
432
00:24:39,360 --> 00:24:42,120
If I don't sell ten tonight,
I'm going to jack it in.
433
00:24:42,120 --> 00:24:45,120
Go back to finance.
No, you should...
434
00:24:45,120 --> 00:24:47,160
Don't give it up because of what
I said.
435
00:24:48,320 --> 00:24:49,960
My mind's made up.
436
00:24:51,800 --> 00:24:53,840
How many have you sold now?
437
00:24:55,840 --> 00:24:57,480
Nine.
438
00:24:59,240 --> 00:25:00,880
Anyway...
439
00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:04,040
..good to meet you, Mr Cleaner.
440
00:25:06,000 --> 00:25:07,640
Yeah.
441
00:25:25,680 --> 00:25:27,320
All right?
442
00:25:28,920 --> 00:25:30,640
How much are tickets?
443
00:25:30,640 --> 00:25:33,280
£15. £15, for that?!
444
00:25:35,760 --> 00:25:38,080
Go on, give me one.
445
00:25:38,080 --> 00:25:42,400
It's a hard line to walk, isn't it?
446
00:25:42,400 --> 00:25:45,680
Knowing whether one should
fan the flames
447
00:25:45,680 --> 00:25:48,480
of a dream that can never be
realised.
448
00:25:50,320 --> 00:25:53,280
You don't think I should buy
a ticket, do you?
449
00:25:53,280 --> 00:25:55,520
"Do what you can being who you are"?
450
00:25:55,520 --> 00:25:59,120
Shine like a glow-worm if you can't
be a star,
451
00:25:59,120 --> 00:26:02,360
work like a pulley if you can't be
a crane,
452
00:26:02,360 --> 00:26:06,840
grease the wheels fully
if you can't drive the train.
453
00:26:08,480 --> 00:26:11,160
I mean, it sort of repeats itself,
but...
454
00:26:11,160 --> 00:26:13,200
..I take your point.
455
00:26:26,440 --> 00:26:28,280
Selina...
456
00:26:31,680 --> 00:26:33,520
..you're fired.
457
00:26:35,400 --> 00:26:37,040
Thank you.
458
00:26:52,320 --> 00:26:54,480
You know, you shouldn't smoke.
459
00:26:54,480 --> 00:26:56,520
You've got to die of something, son.
460
00:26:59,880 --> 00:27:02,360
What are you supposed to be?
An astronaut, silly.
461
00:27:02,360 --> 00:27:05,000
Oh, yeah? Is that what you want
to be when you grow up?
462
00:27:05,000 --> 00:27:08,560
Yeah. Or Optimus Prime.
463
00:27:08,560 --> 00:27:10,760
Cool. WOMAN: Joe!
464
00:27:10,760 --> 00:27:13,440
Come on, I haven't got the tickets
yet. We're late.
465
00:27:14,600 --> 00:27:16,640
What are you supposed to be? Me?
466
00:27:17,640 --> 00:27:19,520
I'm just a glow-worm, kid.
467
00:27:22,120 --> 00:27:24,880
Oh, you're the cleaner?
Crime scene... Crime scene cleaner.
468
00:27:24,880 --> 00:27:26,520
Oh, yeah.
469
00:27:26,520 --> 00:27:29,120
He said it was a mess in there.
You did an amazing job.
470
00:27:29,120 --> 00:27:31,360
Oh.
471
00:27:31,360 --> 00:27:33,560
Sorry, who said that? My husband.
472
00:27:33,560 --> 00:27:35,240
Strazzamo the clown.
473
00:27:35,240 --> 00:27:37,960
Better get in, don't want to miss
the big balloon being inflated.
474
00:27:37,960 --> 00:27:41,720
JOE: Mum! Hurry up, stop talking to
that weird, old man.
475
00:27:41,720 --> 00:27:43,760
MUSIC: Fisherman's Blues
by The Waterboys
476
00:27:56,120 --> 00:27:57,560
# Woo!
477
00:28:10,200 --> 00:28:12,600
# I wish I was a fisherman
478
00:28:13,880 --> 00:28:16,000
# Tumbling on the seas
479
00:28:17,680 --> 00:28:20,440
# Far away from dry land
480
00:28:20,440 --> 00:28:22,840
# And its bitter memories
481
00:28:24,840 --> 00:28:27,360
# Casting out my sweet line
482
00:28:27,360 --> 00:28:29,640
# With abandonment and love
483
00:28:31,680 --> 00:28:34,280
# No ceiling bearing down on me
484
00:28:34,280 --> 00:28:36,920
# Save the starry sky above
485
00:28:36,920 --> 00:28:39,040
# With light in my head
486
00:28:40,600 --> 00:28:42,800
# With you in my arms...#
57496
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