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1
00:00:40,600 --> 00:00:43,040
Job in a pub? It's like
you're trying to kill me.
2
00:00:43,040 --> 00:00:44,800
Bloody hell, what's happened to you?
3
00:00:44,800 --> 00:00:48,000
What do you mean?
The glasses, the earring.
4
00:00:48,000 --> 00:00:50,560
I'm just trying something different,
that's all.
5
00:00:50,560 --> 00:00:52,760
What, a full breakdown?
6
00:00:52,760 --> 00:00:54,480
Oh, I'm winding you up.
7
00:00:54,480 --> 00:00:57,400
No, I think it's great, what this
new girl's managed to do.
8
00:00:57,400 --> 00:01:00,360
Changed in five weeks what others
couldn't in 50 years.
9
00:01:00,360 --> 00:01:03,520
Well... You must really like her.
10
00:01:03,520 --> 00:01:05,720
Are they even prescription?
Yeah, of course they are.
11
00:01:07,760 --> 00:01:10,160
Look, I'm sorry.
12
00:01:10,160 --> 00:01:13,000
I know you and I were going to go
for a drink, weren't we?
13
00:01:13,000 --> 00:01:15,680
Oh, yeah. Don't you worry about me.
14
00:01:15,680 --> 00:01:17,840
I'm benefiting from this new woman.
15
00:01:17,840 --> 00:01:20,000
There's loads more naan breads
left at curry night
16
00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:23,200
now you're not down The White Horse
every Friday night.
17
00:01:23,200 --> 00:01:25,760
Right. She's not really
a down-the-pub sort of girl.
18
00:01:25,760 --> 00:01:29,040
And who in their right mind
would want one of them, Wicky?
19
00:01:31,600 --> 00:01:34,160
So, erm... What happened here?
20
00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:36,680
Oh, actually, it's pretty gruesome.
21
00:01:36,680 --> 00:01:38,840
Young bloke died in a fight.
22
00:01:38,840 --> 00:01:41,360
It started off as a brawl,
but then a knife got pulled.
23
00:01:41,360 --> 00:01:44,720
Bar manager's around, though. I'll
let him fill you in on the details.
24
00:01:44,720 --> 00:01:46,480
MAN: Oi!
25
00:01:46,480 --> 00:01:48,880
I'm not the bar manager.
26
00:01:49,880 --> 00:01:53,120
He was. Bloody hell, have you been
there the whole time?
27
00:01:53,120 --> 00:01:55,560
Yeah. You're better at sneaking up
than you look.
28
00:01:55,560 --> 00:01:57,920
You don't look like a sneaker.
No offence.
29
00:01:57,920 --> 00:01:59,960
HE GROWLS
30
00:02:01,720 --> 00:02:04,360
Wish me luck. Good luck, Wicky.
31
00:02:21,440 --> 00:02:23,840
MAN: It was here.
32
00:02:23,840 --> 00:02:25,880
Whereabouts?
33
00:02:25,880 --> 00:02:27,520
Kidding.
34
00:02:29,080 --> 00:02:31,800
He had a fight, now he's dead.
35
00:02:31,800 --> 00:02:33,840
I'm sorry. Sorry for your loss.
36
00:02:33,840 --> 00:02:36,640
The loss of your... Oh.
37
00:02:36,640 --> 00:02:39,360
The loss of your boss. MAN GROWLS
38
00:02:39,360 --> 00:02:42,120
Jacko. Oh, was that his name?
39
00:02:42,120 --> 00:02:46,040
His real name was Michael,
but everyone called him Jacko.
40
00:02:46,040 --> 00:02:48,640
Don't ask me why. I won't.
41
00:02:48,640 --> 00:02:50,880
Hee-hee!
42
00:02:50,880 --> 00:02:53,600
What was that? It was inappropriate.
43
00:02:53,600 --> 00:02:55,640
I make jokes when I'm frightened.
44
00:02:57,160 --> 00:02:59,320
Do you know? It's funny. I, er...
45
00:02:59,320 --> 00:03:01,440
I'm trying to give up the booze
at the moment,
46
00:03:01,440 --> 00:03:04,400
and I thought it'd be hard being
in a pub, but I feel all right.
47
00:03:04,400 --> 00:03:06,080
He was only 28.
48
00:03:06,080 --> 00:03:08,120
He bled to death. Yeah.
49
00:03:09,440 --> 00:03:12,840
That is... That is sad.
Not sad for him.
50
00:03:12,840 --> 00:03:14,880
He's gone.
51
00:03:14,880 --> 00:03:16,920
Sad for her.
52
00:03:18,000 --> 00:03:20,040
I need to work. Yeah.
53
00:03:20,040 --> 00:03:23,200
I'll be back here... Yeah, OK.
..setting up.
54
00:03:24,360 --> 00:03:26,720
Setting up? Setting up for what?
55
00:03:26,720 --> 00:03:28,800
Match day.
56
00:03:28,800 --> 00:03:31,560
What, you're actually opening? MAN GROWLS
57
00:03:31,560 --> 00:03:34,520
OK. Well, I probably need about
six hours for this.
58
00:03:34,520 --> 00:03:37,520
It's a business. We open in five.
59
00:03:37,520 --> 00:03:40,320
All right. Well, I'll try and do it
in five. We open in five!
60
00:03:40,320 --> 00:03:41,960
Yeah, that's fine, all right.
61
00:03:47,160 --> 00:03:49,440
Cheeky bastard.
62
00:03:57,280 --> 00:03:59,320
Here we go.
63
00:04:08,120 --> 00:04:09,840
Hello, you beauty.
64
00:04:18,640 --> 00:04:21,000
Oh, lovely action.
65
00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:24,520
MUSIC: Bring Your Daughter To
The Slaughter by Iron Maiden
66
00:04:27,240 --> 00:04:30,360
# Bring your daughter
Bring your daughter
67
00:04:30,360 --> 00:04:33,560
# To the slaughter
68
00:04:33,560 --> 00:04:36,760
# Let her go
Let her go
69
00:04:36,760 --> 00:04:38,400
# Let her go
70
00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:43,120
# Bring your daughter
Bring your daughter
71
00:04:43,120 --> 00:04:46,320
# To the slaughter
72
00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:50,000
# Let her go
Let her go... #
73
00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:51,640
Good morning.
74
00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:54,680
Oh, er...
75
00:04:54,680 --> 00:04:57,800
No, no, no. It won't go off!
76
00:04:57,800 --> 00:05:00,400
Off, off, off, off, off, off,
off, off! Argh!
77
00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:03,320
MUSIC STOPS Having a nice time?
78
00:05:03,320 --> 00:05:06,440
Sorry. I'm from Lausen Cleaners.
I'm here to...
79
00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:08,640
Have a good time instead of
working, it seems.
80
00:05:08,640 --> 00:05:11,680
Oh, that? Oh, no, that started
playing on its own.
81
00:05:11,680 --> 00:05:14,040
I think the place is haunted.
82
00:05:14,040 --> 00:05:16,720
Not by him. He won't be a ghost
yet. Probably by a...
83
00:05:17,880 --> 00:05:20,200
..pirate? Sorry, who are you?
84
00:05:20,200 --> 00:05:22,040
Lisa Smith.
85
00:05:22,040 --> 00:05:24,800
Like on the board above the door.
86
00:05:24,800 --> 00:05:28,320
Oh! Sorry, I just presumed
the big fellow was...
87
00:05:28,320 --> 00:05:30,440
Yeah, why would a lady run the gaff?
88
00:05:30,440 --> 00:05:32,360
We're too delicate.
89
00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:34,640
Sorry. I'm Wicky. I'm...
90
00:05:35,720 --> 00:05:38,600
I'm here to, erm...
91
00:05:38,600 --> 00:05:41,560
The cleaner. Yeah, I gathered.
92
00:05:41,560 --> 00:05:43,680
Getting ready for the match, Lisa.
93
00:05:43,680 --> 00:05:46,240
Good, Cuddle. Thank you for that.
94
00:05:46,240 --> 00:05:48,440
Double bourbon, please.
95
00:05:51,240 --> 00:05:52,920
Cuddle? Yeah.
96
00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:54,800
Got a problem with that? No.
97
00:05:54,800 --> 00:05:57,760
I just think it's a bit of a funny
name for someone who I felt,
98
00:05:57,760 --> 00:05:59,440
and I hope this doesn't seem crass,
99
00:05:59,440 --> 00:06:01,280
might, with the slightest
provocation,
100
00:06:01,280 --> 00:06:03,320
pull my whole skeleton
out of my bum hole.
101
00:06:04,440 --> 00:06:07,880
You're very quick to judge,
aren't you, cleaner man?
102
00:06:07,880 --> 00:06:10,360
You'll fit in well here.
103
00:06:10,360 --> 00:06:12,400
Do you want a beer?
104
00:06:13,320 --> 00:06:15,720
I-I'm at work. Yeah.
105
00:06:15,720 --> 00:06:17,800
I'm about to do my accounts.
106
00:06:19,360 --> 00:06:23,360
No. No, I can't. I promised my new
girlfriend.
107
00:06:23,360 --> 00:06:25,440
Things we do for love, eh?
108
00:06:27,760 --> 00:06:30,160
He had to go and act like a
big shot.
109
00:06:30,160 --> 00:06:32,760
Now I've lost my bar manager.
110
00:06:32,760 --> 00:06:34,600
Yeah. And he...
111
00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:39,120
..weirdly lost both ears.
112
00:06:39,120 --> 00:06:42,360
I also lost my lover. What?
113
00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:45,480
Er, he was only 28, though.
That's too young for you...
114
00:06:45,480 --> 00:06:47,760
I mean, for him to die.
115
00:06:47,760 --> 00:06:50,160
Not for anything else.
I'm sure he was...
116
00:06:50,160 --> 00:06:52,480
What was he, nice to kiss?
Of course he was.
117
00:06:52,480 --> 00:06:54,760
What are you on about? Come on!
118
00:06:54,760 --> 00:06:57,160
I mean, he lost both ears.
119
00:06:57,160 --> 00:07:00,000
Lose one ear, call me careless.
Lose both ears,
120
00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:02,360
maybe I don't want ears.
121
00:07:04,760 --> 00:07:06,800
Oh, my God.
122
00:07:11,960 --> 00:07:14,000
You ready for that pint?
Yes, please.
123
00:07:17,640 --> 00:07:19,720
Mmm. Mmm.
124
00:07:19,720 --> 00:07:21,400
Oh, God.
125
00:07:21,400 --> 00:07:24,240
Any chance you're going to do any
cleaning in the near future,
126
00:07:24,240 --> 00:07:26,280
cleaner man? Make your mind up.
127
00:07:47,160 --> 00:07:49,800
I know what you're thinking.
128
00:07:49,800 --> 00:07:53,160
"What did a 28-year-old want
with that old boot?"
129
00:07:53,160 --> 00:07:56,160
I was not thinking that.
130
00:07:56,160 --> 00:07:59,440
Come on. You can't be more than...
131
00:07:59,440 --> 00:08:02,920
What? Si...Si...
132
00:08:02,920 --> 00:08:06,800
Fifty...f...two?
133
00:08:06,800 --> 00:08:09,080
Thirty...
134
00:08:09,080 --> 00:08:12,560
Thir...Thirty...fi...
135
00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:14,640
..five? Can you?
136
00:08:14,640 --> 00:08:16,440
Oh, come on, be honest.
137
00:08:16,440 --> 00:08:18,720
Lies stink the bar out.
138
00:08:18,720 --> 00:08:22,000
All right, maybe I was wondering it
a bit. Not that it matters.
139
00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:25,160
Love is love. My uncle's girlfriend,
he...
140
00:08:26,800 --> 00:08:29,200
Actually, that is a bad example.
He was arrested, but...
141
00:08:31,160 --> 00:08:34,280
So, what do you think he wanted
with me, cleaner man?
142
00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:36,360
Relaxed company, someone to
chill with.
143
00:08:36,360 --> 00:08:38,640
Kickbacks. Quid pro quo.
144
00:08:38,640 --> 00:08:41,320
Why else would a man that age
be with me?
145
00:08:41,320 --> 00:08:44,480
What? Every relationship is a deal.
146
00:08:44,480 --> 00:08:46,800
And the sooner you realise that,
the better.
147
00:08:46,800 --> 00:08:49,560
Do you think this new girl
who's stopping you drinking
148
00:08:49,560 --> 00:08:53,440
is in it for your good looks,
Robert Redford?
149
00:08:53,440 --> 00:08:56,360
She's got a name. Her name's Jules.
150
00:08:56,360 --> 00:08:59,440
And I've got no money,
so that's your theory buggered.
151
00:08:59,440 --> 00:09:01,920
Not every transaction is financial.
152
00:09:19,160 --> 00:09:20,800
Do you know what, Cuddle?
153
00:09:20,800 --> 00:09:22,960
You don't really need to hold it,
it's not that high.
154
00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:25,640
He's just trying to avoid another
tragedy.
155
00:09:25,640 --> 00:09:28,360
Cuddle, check the pork scratchings,
there's a love.
156
00:09:31,040 --> 00:09:34,320
So, how did you meet him,
old, er...? Jacko.
157
00:09:34,320 --> 00:09:36,680
When I was visiting my dad
in prison.
158
00:09:36,680 --> 00:09:39,520
He was in the next-door cell,
doing a two-year stretch.
159
00:09:39,520 --> 00:09:41,920
Next thing I know, he's on my
doorstep, says he's got out
160
00:09:41,920 --> 00:09:44,760
and he wants to tell me in person
that my old man was dead.
161
00:09:44,760 --> 00:09:47,560
Oh. Oh, well, sorry.
162
00:09:47,560 --> 00:09:51,160
Don't be. He was a horrible father.
Brilliant fraudster, though.
163
00:09:51,160 --> 00:09:53,480
They called him The Raisin. Oh?
164
00:09:53,480 --> 00:09:55,520
Could dry you out completely.
165
00:09:57,560 --> 00:09:59,920
So, would The Vampire not have been
better?
166
00:09:59,920 --> 00:10:01,880
None of this matters. Go on.
167
00:10:01,880 --> 00:10:05,160
This is Jacko.
168
00:10:05,160 --> 00:10:07,920
What a hunk! See what I mean?
I fancy him myself.
169
00:10:07,920 --> 00:10:09,440
Hard to resist.
170
00:10:09,440 --> 00:10:12,320
Scam artist or not. What makes you
think he's a scam artist?
171
00:10:12,320 --> 00:10:14,920
What, turning up at a pub
owned by a knackered old woman
172
00:10:14,920 --> 00:10:16,600
and seducing her?
173
00:10:16,600 --> 00:10:19,640
Oh. Anyway, it worked out well
in the end.
174
00:10:19,640 --> 00:10:23,840
I got my bit of eye candy,
someone to run the bar for me.
175
00:10:23,840 --> 00:10:26,000
He knew he'd get the business
in the end.
176
00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:29,080
It's just that the poor bugger went
and snuffed it first.
177
00:10:29,080 --> 00:10:31,880
Yeah. What? I don't know.
178
00:10:31,880 --> 00:10:34,160
It just feels a bit cold.
179
00:10:34,160 --> 00:10:36,320
Pfft. Maybe I'm an old romantic,
you know, but...
180
00:10:38,440 --> 00:10:41,600
Hey, it's none of my business.
I better get on.
181
00:10:43,680 --> 00:10:45,840
All I'm saying is, I think it's
a bit odd
182
00:10:45,840 --> 00:10:48,480
that you've never considered
love might be involved.
183
00:10:48,480 --> 00:10:50,520
Are you in love, then, Wicky?
184
00:10:51,920 --> 00:10:54,080
I'd like to be.
185
00:10:54,080 --> 00:10:56,120
I don't know how she feels, but...
186
00:10:56,120 --> 00:10:58,240
..it's what I want, yeah. Oh.
187
00:10:58,240 --> 00:11:01,440
Love's just another transaction.
It's give and take, innit?
188
00:11:01,440 --> 00:11:04,080
Yeah, and everyone tries to take
more than they give.
189
00:11:07,280 --> 00:11:10,720
Have you never just loved someone
for the sake of it?
190
00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:12,160
Nah.
191
00:11:12,160 --> 00:11:14,280
Everything's easier when love
isn't involved.
192
00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:18,000
Sex included.
193
00:11:24,560 --> 00:11:27,360
I don't want us to have sex.
194
00:11:27,360 --> 00:11:29,240
I wasn't offering. Oh, thank God.
195
00:11:29,240 --> 00:11:31,640
Lisa. Right on cue.
196
00:11:31,640 --> 00:11:35,680
What is it? Erm, well...
197
00:11:35,680 --> 00:11:37,320
Well...
198
00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:40,680
I...
199
00:11:40,680 --> 00:11:42,760
I need to get some stuff from
the van.
200
00:11:48,080 --> 00:11:50,480
So, erm, I'm not very good at this.
Erm...
201
00:11:58,800 --> 00:12:01,600
Jacko really did like you.
202
00:12:03,240 --> 00:12:06,680
He wanted to book a trip to the
Bahamas.
203
00:12:06,680 --> 00:12:09,000
It was going to be a surprise.
204
00:12:09,000 --> 00:12:11,160
He showed me this brochure.
205
00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:16,200
"We need to take you on the
honeymoon you never got to have",
206
00:12:16,200 --> 00:12:20,800
he said. "The one you deserved."
Just thought you should know.
207
00:12:22,840 --> 00:12:26,080
And, Lisa, I-I just wanted to say
that, erm...
208
00:12:30,760 --> 00:12:32,800
..all the glasses are nearly cleaned
209
00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:35,840
and there's plenty of bottles of
IPA.
210
00:12:35,840 --> 00:12:37,680
Thanks, Cuddle.
211
00:12:49,040 --> 00:12:51,840
Weren't joking, were they,
Raisin Face?
212
00:12:51,840 --> 00:12:53,720
God in heaven.
213
00:12:54,800 --> 00:12:57,240
500 quid for a simple coffin.
214
00:12:57,240 --> 00:13:03,960
£6,450 for a silk-lined mahogany
casket.
215
00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:05,800
Who are they trying to kid?
216
00:13:05,800 --> 00:13:08,000
A coffin's just a people bin.
217
00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:10,640
Well, probably just want to give
someone a nice send-off.
218
00:13:10,640 --> 00:13:13,400
Where to? Get one that's made out
of chipboard.
219
00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:16,520
Bit of veneer, lovely bit of velvet.
Huh.
220
00:13:16,520 --> 00:13:18,560
PHONE RINGS
221
00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:26,640
Well, if it isn't the most beautiful
girl in the whole world.
222
00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:30,160
What's she doing talking to me?
223
00:13:30,160 --> 00:13:32,200
Yeah, no, no, I'm looking forward
to it.
224
00:13:33,680 --> 00:13:35,520
Oh.
225
00:13:35,520 --> 00:13:37,000
No, no.
226
00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:38,440
That's fine.
227
00:13:38,440 --> 00:13:40,960
Listen, if it can't be avoided,
it can't be avoided.
228
00:13:40,960 --> 00:13:42,880
Yeah. I'll give you a ring.
229
00:13:44,680 --> 00:13:46,960
You'll give me a ring.
230
00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:48,600
All right, then. B...
231
00:14:04,920 --> 00:14:07,560
Problems? No, she's just busy.
232
00:14:07,560 --> 00:14:11,200
Oh, dear. The power of blossoming
love not quite enough, was it?
233
00:14:11,200 --> 00:14:13,480
She's just remembered a thing
she's got on, that's all.
234
00:14:16,160 --> 00:14:18,520
Yeah, I bet. What do you mean
by that?
235
00:14:18,520 --> 00:14:20,440
What, she just remembered a thing
she had on
236
00:14:20,440 --> 00:14:23,080
with a bigger bank balance?
237
00:14:23,080 --> 00:14:25,600
I wonder what the thing's name is.
238
00:14:25,600 --> 00:14:28,040
I wonder what kind of car
the thing drives.
239
00:14:28,040 --> 00:14:30,360
My God, it must be exhausting
being you.
240
00:14:30,360 --> 00:14:32,040
Look, just face it.
241
00:14:32,040 --> 00:14:34,280
She's never going to end up with
a cleaner.
242
00:14:34,280 --> 00:14:37,680
I am a crime scene cleaner!
243
00:14:58,400 --> 00:15:00,320
Hey. Hey.
244
00:15:01,360 --> 00:15:03,560
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
245
00:15:03,560 --> 00:15:05,800
Hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
246
00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:10,040
No!
247
00:15:11,440 --> 00:15:13,480
THUD
248
00:15:14,520 --> 00:15:16,840
Now what are they going to drink?
249
00:15:16,840 --> 00:15:19,200
Yes, I do apologise, Cuddle.
250
00:15:19,200 --> 00:15:20,800
Argh! Do you think you could take
251
00:15:20,800 --> 00:15:23,240
just a little bit of your weight
off my head?
252
00:15:23,240 --> 00:15:24,920
Keep him down there, Cuddle.
253
00:15:24,920 --> 00:15:28,800
Oh, but there's something down here.
He's just trying to get out of this.
254
00:15:28,800 --> 00:15:32,400
I'm not trying to get out of this,
I love this.
255
00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:34,600
Honestly, you're going to want to
take a look.
256
00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:38,000
WICKY GRUNTS
257
00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:39,640
Oh, yeah.
258
00:15:44,040 --> 00:15:46,680
Someone must have lost it. Lost it?
259
00:15:46,680 --> 00:15:48,840
It was stashed under a pool table.
260
00:15:48,840 --> 00:15:50,880
Maybe they hid it there when
the fight started.
261
00:15:50,880 --> 00:15:54,480
No knowing now, is there? Yeah.
Well, we'd better report it.
262
00:15:54,480 --> 00:15:56,520
LISA AND CUDDLE LAUGH
263
00:16:04,040 --> 00:16:07,640
It's not right. Who hides money
under a pool table?
264
00:16:07,640 --> 00:16:09,480
Well, it doesn't matter now,
does it?
265
00:16:09,480 --> 00:16:12,680
Maybe it's the reason the fight
broke out in the first place. Ah!
266
00:16:12,680 --> 00:16:15,280
Maybe Jacko was mixed up
in something dodgy.
267
00:16:15,280 --> 00:16:17,680
Not the first time that sentence
has been bandied about.
268
00:16:17,680 --> 00:16:19,560
Shamon!
269
00:16:21,720 --> 00:16:24,120
Well, anyway, there's no way of
knowing now.
270
00:16:24,120 --> 00:16:26,160
Nice little windfall, though.
271
00:16:26,160 --> 00:16:29,360
You... You can't keep it, we've got
to go to the police.
272
00:16:29,360 --> 00:16:32,000
Oh, what, so they can have an extra
piss-up at the station?
273
00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:34,600
I don't think so. None of
the coppers I know are bent.
274
00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:37,200
No, because you live
in a Richard Curtis film,
275
00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:39,560
don't you, Babyface? No, I do not.
276
00:16:39,560 --> 00:16:41,400
Not that there's anything wrong
with that.
277
00:16:41,400 --> 00:16:43,400
Notting Hill? Top five films for me.
278
00:16:43,400 --> 00:16:46,080
Just a girl standing in front of
a boy asking to be loved.
279
00:16:46,080 --> 00:16:48,840
Count me in, Roberts,
you sausage-lipped prozzie.
280
00:16:50,080 --> 00:16:53,040
I like documentaries.
281
00:16:53,040 --> 00:16:55,320
Oh, each to his own, Cuddle.
282
00:16:55,320 --> 00:16:58,240
CUDDLE GROWLS
283
00:16:58,240 --> 00:17:00,280
You can't keep it!
284
00:17:03,640 --> 00:17:07,320
It's none of my business, I suppose.
No, you suppose right. Right.
285
00:17:07,320 --> 00:17:09,960
Well, I'm pretty much finished.
I'll, er...
286
00:17:11,040 --> 00:17:13,080
I'll get going. Oh, no, you won't.
287
00:17:16,120 --> 00:17:17,760
Ah!
288
00:17:37,600 --> 00:17:39,640
WICKY GROANS
289
00:17:39,640 --> 00:17:41,360
Hard work doesn't suit you.
290
00:17:41,360 --> 00:17:43,560
Yeah, well, I'd like to remind you,
this isn't my work.
291
00:17:43,560 --> 00:17:46,000
You should have kept quiet about
the money when you seen it.
292
00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:47,840
Gone back later and nicked it
for yourself.
293
00:17:47,840 --> 00:17:51,080
I bet you'd be getting ready for
that date now if you had all this.
294
00:17:51,080 --> 00:17:53,760
Nah. She's just not into me.
295
00:17:53,760 --> 00:17:55,560
You need a plan.
296
00:18:02,640 --> 00:18:05,200
Got to make a grand gesture.
297
00:18:05,200 --> 00:18:07,560
Been there, done that.
What did you do?
298
00:18:07,560 --> 00:18:09,600
I wrote her a song.
299
00:18:09,600 --> 00:18:11,640
Well, I sang a song.
300
00:18:12,840 --> 00:18:15,040
I mimed along to someone else's
song. And filmed it.
301
00:18:15,040 --> 00:18:16,520
Yeah? What was the song?
302
00:18:16,520 --> 00:18:21,040
Died In Your Arms Tonight, Cutting
Crew. Good song, difficult key.
303
00:18:21,040 --> 00:18:23,360
How did she react to this gesture?
304
00:18:23,360 --> 00:18:26,520
Banged it on a USB, sent it over,
she texted back,
305
00:18:26,520 --> 00:18:30,800
"Wow, looks like someone had a good
night." Laughing emoji. So...
306
00:18:32,080 --> 00:18:34,120
..pretty sure she liked it.
307
00:18:38,760 --> 00:18:41,000
Kidnap her. Hey?
308
00:18:42,760 --> 00:18:45,640
So, you put her in a limousine.
309
00:18:45,640 --> 00:18:48,480
Big one. Drive her to the airport.
310
00:18:48,480 --> 00:18:51,440
Surprise her with a couple of
tickets. Go on, get in there.
311
00:18:51,440 --> 00:18:54,480
And then you fly her somewhere
really nice.
312
00:18:55,960 --> 00:18:57,600
Like the Bahamas.
313
00:18:57,600 --> 00:19:00,000
Lisbon. Eh?
If anywhere, it'd be Lisbon.
314
00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:01,800
She's always wanted to go there.
315
00:19:01,800 --> 00:19:05,120
Right, then, Lisbon.
Bring up those crates.
316
00:19:05,120 --> 00:19:07,960
And then you check
into a fancy hotel.
317
00:19:07,960 --> 00:19:10,800
Five stars. You show her
you're not a loser.
318
00:19:12,720 --> 00:19:14,760
I'm not a loser.
319
00:19:17,320 --> 00:19:21,080
I told you.
I'm a crime scene cleaner.
320
00:19:21,080 --> 00:19:23,520
Yeah, not a heart surgeon.
321
00:19:23,520 --> 00:19:25,560
See, that's why you've got to offer
her something
322
00:19:25,560 --> 00:19:29,240
she can impress her friends with.
You've got to invest in her.
323
00:19:29,240 --> 00:19:32,440
You know, flights, hotels,
boat trips.
324
00:19:32,440 --> 00:19:34,480
I don't know, helicopter.
325
00:19:34,480 --> 00:19:37,160
A helicopter? Who mentioned
a bloody helicopter?
326
00:19:37,160 --> 00:19:40,040
Well, sightseeing tours over Lisbon.
327
00:19:41,320 --> 00:19:43,080
Oh.
328
00:19:43,080 --> 00:19:45,120
That does sound nice, actually.
329
00:19:47,120 --> 00:19:48,760
Put it down there.
330
00:19:49,920 --> 00:19:52,320
And shift it, you two.
It's match day, isn't it?
331
00:19:52,320 --> 00:19:54,360
You said we'd be ready on time.
332
00:19:54,360 --> 00:19:56,680
You two actually make a
pretty good team, you know?
333
00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:09,520
Do you know what I'd do if we went
to Lisbon?
334
00:20:09,520 --> 00:20:12,480
I'd find a nice little private
beach,
335
00:20:12,480 --> 00:20:16,080
and I'd get a table and some chairs,
336
00:20:16,080 --> 00:20:18,960
and I'd put some candles on it,
maybe some flowers.
337
00:20:18,960 --> 00:20:21,200
And then I'd get oysters.
338
00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:24,920
No, not oysters. They're disgusting,
people pretend to like them.
339
00:20:24,920 --> 00:20:28,200
Crisp white wine, two glasses.
340
00:20:28,200 --> 00:20:30,240
And then we'd just sit.
341
00:20:30,240 --> 00:20:32,920
Watch the sun go down and chat.
342
00:20:32,920 --> 00:20:35,080
Hmm. Sounds perfect.
343
00:20:36,320 --> 00:20:38,720
Cost you about five grand, though.
344
00:20:38,720 --> 00:20:41,640
Right, well, if she wants me
for all that luxury crap,
345
00:20:41,640 --> 00:20:43,080
she can have her surgeon.
346
00:20:43,080 --> 00:20:46,680
Why did you stop drinking and start
wearing that stupid earring?
347
00:20:46,680 --> 00:20:50,720
Hey, Wicky? Those are deposits,
you're selling yourself.
348
00:20:50,720 --> 00:20:54,000
Paul Wickstead is not for sale.
349
00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:56,200
Tell you what. 200 quid...
350
00:20:57,320 --> 00:20:59,360
..if you carry on cleaning naked.
351
00:21:02,720 --> 00:21:05,200
Oh, good God, stop!
352
00:21:05,200 --> 00:21:08,320
Put your clothes back on.
You just made my point for me.
353
00:21:08,320 --> 00:21:10,920
You should have put that money in
your pocket when you found it.
354
00:21:10,920 --> 00:21:13,520
I've got principles.
It's dirty money.
355
00:21:13,520 --> 00:21:15,440
Oh. Tell you what.
356
00:21:16,560 --> 00:21:17,920
I'll give you 50 quid
357
00:21:17,920 --> 00:21:22,400
if you sing I Just Died In Your Arms
Tonight for me.
358
00:21:30,520 --> 00:21:32,560
# I... LISA SNORTS
359
00:21:32,560 --> 00:21:34,360
Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
360
00:21:34,360 --> 00:21:37,200
You think you've got it
all worked out, don't you?
361
00:21:37,200 --> 00:21:39,000
I can smell a bullshitter
at 50 feet.
362
00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:41,120
Do you want the truth?
I know the truth.
363
00:21:41,120 --> 00:21:44,000
No, you're supposed to say you want
the truth, and then I can shout,
364
00:21:44,000 --> 00:21:47,280
"You can't handle the tru..."
It doesn't matter.
365
00:21:47,280 --> 00:21:49,360
All right, I tell you what.
366
00:21:50,960 --> 00:21:52,680
15 quid.
367
00:21:53,920 --> 00:21:55,640
Wait.
368
00:21:55,640 --> 00:21:57,920
£17...
369
00:21:57,920 --> 00:22:00,640
..says that I can tell you something
about your love life
370
00:22:00,640 --> 00:22:03,600
that you haven't worked out
for yourself. All right.
371
00:22:04,760 --> 00:22:07,160
20 quid.
372
00:22:07,160 --> 00:22:08,960
Give it to me. Right.
373
00:22:10,280 --> 00:22:12,040
I actually think you're rather
wonderful
374
00:22:12,040 --> 00:22:16,120
to be in a relationship with.
Ha! Yeah, you're stubborn,
375
00:22:16,120 --> 00:22:18,360
and, certainly, you can be mean,
376
00:22:18,360 --> 00:22:21,800
but... you're charming and
you're funny.
377
00:22:23,200 --> 00:22:25,440
And there's an inner strength
to you.
378
00:22:25,440 --> 00:22:27,600
You don't let anything drag you
down.
379
00:22:29,600 --> 00:22:31,960
Which is why I'm surprised
Jacko wanted to leave you.
380
00:22:34,600 --> 00:22:36,240
What?
381
00:22:46,200 --> 00:22:49,240
At first, I thought it was a drug
dealer that had put it under there.
382
00:22:49,240 --> 00:22:50,840
That doesn't make sense.
383
00:22:50,840 --> 00:22:53,320
They've got their own
hiding spots, haven't they?
384
00:22:53,320 --> 00:22:55,880
But, then, someone panicking,
385
00:22:55,880 --> 00:22:58,200
hiding it under there during
the fight?
386
00:22:58,200 --> 00:23:01,120
No, that doesn't make sense either.
387
00:23:01,120 --> 00:23:03,360
Who's going to stash money under
a table
388
00:23:03,360 --> 00:23:06,960
in a place that they know is about
to be crawling with coppers?
389
00:23:06,960 --> 00:23:09,840
No, it doesn't add up.
390
00:23:09,840 --> 00:23:13,640
And that's why I think
Jacko put it there.
391
00:23:13,640 --> 00:23:16,720
He could never have smuggled that
much money from under my nose.
392
00:23:16,720 --> 00:23:18,720
No, not all at once.
393
00:23:18,720 --> 00:23:22,320
But 50 here, a hundred there,
fudge the books.
394
00:23:22,320 --> 00:23:25,560
Just waiting until he had enough
to leave.
395
00:23:25,560 --> 00:23:28,080
Well, then you'd have found more,
wouldn't you? No.
396
00:23:28,080 --> 00:23:31,240
As soon as he had a certain amount,
he'd pop down the bank.
397
00:23:31,240 --> 00:23:33,080
Cash it all in.
398
00:23:33,080 --> 00:23:35,800
Too risky having all that money
on him at work.
399
00:23:35,800 --> 00:23:38,680
Which is why he stashed it
under the pool table.
400
00:23:41,000 --> 00:23:42,880
The Bahamas.
401
00:23:42,880 --> 00:23:45,160
Cuddle showed me a brochure.
402
00:23:45,160 --> 00:23:48,480
Oh, yeah. He wanted to go
to the Bahamas, all right.
403
00:23:48,480 --> 00:23:51,480
Just not with you.
404
00:23:51,480 --> 00:23:53,520
He thought you'd live to be
a hundred
405
00:23:53,520 --> 00:23:55,880
and he'd never get his
greedy little hands on this place.
406
00:23:55,880 --> 00:23:57,920
No, it wasn't like that.
407
00:24:02,280 --> 00:24:05,400
Well, I call that a win. Might not
be able to take her to Lisbon,
408
00:24:05,400 --> 00:24:08,120
but I can buy her a curry, eh? What?
409
00:24:08,120 --> 00:24:12,600
Hmm? I made it all up, didn't I?
To win the bet.
410
00:24:12,600 --> 00:24:15,040
Yeah, the woman who thinks she's
sorted out romance.
411
00:24:15,040 --> 00:24:18,080
Think she understands it all.
She's offered another alternative
412
00:24:18,080 --> 00:24:20,560
and she gobbles it up. Yum-yum.
413
00:24:21,840 --> 00:24:24,360
No, you're right.
414
00:24:24,360 --> 00:24:27,840
No. I was wondering why we weren't
making more money.
415
00:24:27,840 --> 00:24:30,040
Place is always full. No!
416
00:24:30,040 --> 00:24:33,000
I made it up to win the bet.
There you have it.
417
00:24:35,440 --> 00:24:37,720
Just another transaction.
418
00:24:39,840 --> 00:24:41,880
Here, Cuddle, you take this.
419
00:24:41,880 --> 00:24:44,640
I don't want it.
No, I want you to have it.
420
00:24:44,640 --> 00:24:47,320
You've been so loyal. Go on, please.
421
00:24:49,000 --> 00:24:52,280
Now, I'm going to patch up my face
while you finish up here.
422
00:24:52,280 --> 00:24:54,640
I want this place ready for
the match.
423
00:24:54,640 --> 00:24:56,680
I've got people relying on me.
424
00:25:00,360 --> 00:25:02,920
Do you know what, Cuddle?
I thought I'd feel better than this,
425
00:25:02,920 --> 00:25:04,720
winning the bet.
426
00:25:18,440 --> 00:25:20,080
That's me finished.
427
00:25:21,360 --> 00:25:23,680
Is that what you're going to spend
your five grand on?
428
00:25:23,680 --> 00:25:28,040
No, I'll probably go Blackpool.
Blackpool?
429
00:25:28,040 --> 00:25:31,000
I've always wanted to see
the Pleasure Beach.
430
00:25:31,000 --> 00:25:35,200
Right. They've got The Krankies'
signature in the pavement.
431
00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:37,880
I think maybe the Bahamas might
top that, mate.
432
00:25:37,880 --> 00:25:41,520
It's too hot for me. I only got
this for her.
433
00:25:43,000 --> 00:25:45,760
I thought... I thought Jacko
got that for her.
434
00:25:49,640 --> 00:25:51,720
You really like her, don't you?
435
00:25:51,720 --> 00:25:54,320
Of course. Well, why don't you
tell her?
436
00:25:56,160 --> 00:25:59,200
Things aren't the same since
our honeymoon.
437
00:25:59,200 --> 00:26:00,680
Your hon...?
438
00:26:01,920 --> 00:26:03,960
Are you two married?
439
00:26:05,120 --> 00:26:06,880
Used to be.
440
00:26:07,960 --> 00:26:12,000
When Jacko came along, I-I couldn't
stand in their way.
441
00:26:12,000 --> 00:26:14,040
Ah. Just...
442
00:26:15,800 --> 00:26:17,840
..I like being near her.
443
00:26:25,560 --> 00:26:27,840
Stick this in your computer
and have a watch.
444
00:26:30,200 --> 00:26:32,280
Sometimes you've got to make
a grand gesture
445
00:26:32,280 --> 00:26:34,320
to win a woman's heart.
446
00:27:18,200 --> 00:27:20,240
COMPUTER CHIMES
447
00:27:23,000 --> 00:27:25,040
MUSIC: (I Just) Died In Your Arms
by Cutting Crew
448
00:27:38,280 --> 00:27:42,960
HE LIP-SYNCS: # I...I just died
in your arms tonight
449
00:27:44,160 --> 00:27:47,280
# It must have been something
you said
450
00:27:47,280 --> 00:27:52,240
# I just died in your arms tonight
451
00:27:53,920 --> 00:27:58,200
# I...I just died in your arms
tonight
452
00:27:59,680 --> 00:28:02,800
# It must have been something
you said
453
00:28:02,800 --> 00:28:06,280
# I just died in your arms tonight
454
00:28:07,680 --> 00:28:09,440
# Oh, whoa
455
00:28:09,440 --> 00:28:13,720
# I...I just died in your arms
tonight
456
00:28:14,960 --> 00:28:18,640
# It must have been some kind of
kiss
457
00:28:18,640 --> 00:28:22,040
# I should have walked away
458
00:28:23,200 --> 00:28:25,360
# I should have walked away
459
00:28:36,240 --> 00:28:40,760
# Is there any just cause
for feeling like this?
460
00:28:40,760 --> 00:28:43,480
# On the surface
I'm a name on a list
461
00:28:43,480 --> 00:28:47,520
# I try to be discreet
462
00:28:47,520 --> 00:28:49,280
# But then blow it again
463
00:28:51,240 --> 00:28:55,240
# I've lost and found
It's my final mistake
464
00:28:55,240 --> 00:28:59,080
# She's loving by proxy
No give and all take
465
00:28:59,080 --> 00:29:02,560
# Because I've been thrilled
to fantasy... #
35259
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