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1
00:00:06,940 --> 00:00:09,243
AH. ARENA FOOTBALL.
2
00:00:09,277 --> 00:00:13,347
COUNTRY COUSIN OF
THE MONSTER-TRUCK RALLY.
3
00:00:13,381 --> 00:00:17,418
THE DEADBEAT DAD
OF ROLLER DERBY.
4
00:00:17,451 --> 00:00:18,919
ARENA FOOTBALL.
5
00:00:18,952 --> 00:00:21,889
FOOTBALL
IN AN ARENA.
6
00:00:21,922 --> 00:00:23,557
Man on P.A.:
WELCOME TO THE RUTHER-DOME.
7
00:00:23,591 --> 00:00:27,228
PLEASE RISE
FOR THE NATIONAL ANTHEM.
8
00:00:32,366 --> 00:00:35,269
THAT'S THE MOST PATHETIC WAVE
I'VE EVER SEEN.
9
00:00:35,303 --> 00:00:38,239
ARE THESE PEOPLE PLAYING
A DANGEROUS GAME?
10
00:00:38,272 --> 00:00:39,573
THEY'VE CRESTED
FOR FAR TOO LONG.
11
00:00:39,607 --> 00:00:42,110
SOONER OR LATER
THEY'VE GOT TO CRASH.
12
00:00:42,143 --> 00:00:45,379
* OH, SAY, CAN YOU SEE
13
00:00:45,413 --> 00:00:46,514
* BY THE DAWN'S...
14
00:00:46,547 --> 00:00:48,782
HEY, WHY DON'T YOU
SHOW A LITTLE RESPECT
15
00:00:48,816 --> 00:00:50,318
FOR OUR NATIONAL ANTHEM, HUH?
16
00:00:50,351 --> 00:00:51,585
YES, SIR.
17
00:00:51,619 --> 00:00:52,553
WHAT DO WE DO, DICK?
18
00:00:52,586 --> 00:00:55,223
JUST DO WHAT THE OTHERS
ARE DOING.
19
00:00:56,990 --> 00:00:58,692
* YEA, THOUGH I WALK
20
00:00:58,726 --> 00:01:02,296
* THROUGH THE VALLEY
OF DEATH *
21
00:01:02,330 --> 00:01:03,964
* I KNOW THAT
22
00:01:03,997 --> 00:01:04,732
OH, CHECK IT OUT.
23
00:01:04,765 --> 00:01:06,134
THE WORDS ARE
ON THE RUTHER-TRON.
24
00:01:06,167 --> 00:01:08,702
* GALLANTLY STREAMING
25
00:01:08,736 --> 00:01:11,805
* AND THE ROCKET'S
RED GLARE *
26
00:01:11,839 --> 00:01:15,309
* THE BOMBS BURSTING
IN AIR *
27
00:01:15,343 --> 00:01:18,946
* GAVE PROOF
THRO' THE NIGHT *
28
00:01:18,979 --> 00:01:23,451
* THAT OUR FLAG
WAS STILL THERE *
29
00:01:23,484 --> 00:01:33,427
* OH, SAY DOES
THAT STAR-SPANGLED
BANNER YET WAVE *
30
00:01:33,461 --> 00:01:41,235
* O'ER THE LAND
OF THE FREE *
31
00:01:41,269 --> 00:01:51,445
* AND THE HOME
OF THE BRAVE? *
32
00:01:51,479 --> 00:01:53,013
[ALL CHEERING]
33
00:01:53,046 --> 00:01:55,416
ONE MORE TIME!
34
00:02:33,521 --> 00:02:35,389
[HUMMING]
35
00:02:35,423 --> 00:02:37,791
I CANNOT
GET THAT SONG
OUT OF MY HEAD.
36
00:02:37,825 --> 00:02:39,760
I KNOW. IT IS,
WITHOUT A DOUBT,
37
00:02:39,793 --> 00:02:42,463
ONE OF THE CATCHIEST SONGS
I'VE EVER HEARD.
38
00:02:42,496 --> 00:02:43,497
AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED,
39
00:02:43,531 --> 00:02:47,268
ACHY BREAKY HEART
IS DEAD TO ME.
40
00:02:47,301 --> 00:02:50,771
AND NOW I CAN'T
GET T SONG
OUT OF MY HEAD.
41
00:02:50,804 --> 00:02:51,605
HEY, GUYS,
42
00:02:51,639 --> 00:02:54,775
CHECK OUT
WHAT I FOUND
IN THE CLOSET.
43
00:02:54,808 --> 00:02:55,943
IT'S THE ORIGINAL
COPY
44
00:02:55,976 --> 00:02:57,478
OF THE DECLARATN
OF INDEPENDENCE.
45
00:02:57,511 --> 00:02:58,412
NO!
46
00:02:58,446 --> 00:03:01,515
YEAH, AND IT'S ON ONE
OF THE ORIGINAL COPIES
47
00:03:01,549 --> 00:03:04,352
OF A RUSTY BURGER
PLACE MAT.
48
00:03:04,385 --> 00:03:06,754
LOOK AT THIS
WAR-TORN DOCUMENT,
49
00:03:06,787 --> 00:03:10,324
STAINED WITH THE BLOOD
AND MUSTARD
OF PATRIOTS PAST.
50
00:03:10,358 --> 00:03:11,359
THAT IS SO BEAUTIFUL.
51
00:03:11,392 --> 00:03:13,294
YOU KNOW, HUMANS
HAVE SUCH A DEEP LOVE
52
00:03:13,327 --> 00:03:14,962
FOR THEIR COUNTRY
OF ORIGIN,
53
00:03:14,995 --> 00:03:17,765
THEY'D EVEN LAY DOWN
THEIR LIVES FOR IT.
WHY IS THAT?
54
00:03:17,798 --> 00:03:19,400
IT DOESN'T MAKE
ANY SENSE TO ME.
55
00:03:19,433 --> 00:03:20,968
IT'S NOT LIKE
THEY HAVE ANY SAY
IN WHERE THEY'RE BORN.
56
00:03:21,001 --> 00:03:21,735
IT'S TOTALLY RANDOM.
57
00:03:21,769 --> 00:03:23,604
YEAH, ALTHOUGH
A LOT OF CHINESE
58
00:03:23,637 --> 00:03:25,939
TEND TO END UP
IN CHINA.
59
00:03:28,376 --> 00:03:30,278
HEY, WE'RE SUPPOSED
TO BE AMERICAN.
60
00:03:30,311 --> 00:03:31,379
WE'D BETTER
GET WITH THE PROGRAM,
61
00:03:31,412 --> 00:03:33,347
OR IT'S GONNA LOOK
AWFULLY SUSPICIOUS.
62
00:03:33,381 --> 00:03:36,116
TOMMY, YOU STUDY
THE ORIGINAL DOCUMENTS
63
00:03:36,149 --> 00:03:38,218
THAT CREATED THIS COUNTRY,
AND SEE WHAT'S THERE.
64
00:03:38,252 --> 00:03:39,387
WILL DO.
HARRY...
65
00:03:39,420 --> 00:03:41,989
YOU COVER ANTHEMS,
AND AMERICAN
EPIC POETRY.
66
00:03:42,022 --> 00:03:43,090
OK.
AND YOU, SALLY,
67
00:03:43,123 --> 00:03:45,659
I WANT YOU SEARCHING
SO MUCH MICROFICHE
AT THE LIBRARY
68
00:03:45,693 --> 00:03:47,395
THAT YOU'LL WISH WE HAD
AN INTERNET CONNECTION.
69
00:03:47,428 --> 00:03:48,529
SIR, YES, SIR!
70
00:03:48,562 --> 00:03:50,097
GODSPEED.
71
00:03:50,130 --> 00:03:51,164
OK, YOU HEARD THE MAN.
72
00:03:51,198 --> 00:03:52,766
COME ON, AMERICANS,
LET'S GET OVER HERE.
73
00:03:52,800 --> 00:03:53,634
LET'S START
WITH THIS THING.
74
00:03:53,667 --> 00:03:54,968
UM, BLAH, BLAH,
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH...
75
00:03:55,002 --> 00:03:58,171
"WE HOLD THESE TRUTHS
TO BE SELF EVIDENT
76
00:03:58,205 --> 00:03:59,873
"THAT ALL MEN
ARE CREATED EQUAL,
77
00:03:59,907 --> 00:04:01,909
BUT THAT THEY ARE ENDOWED--"
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT--
78
00:04:01,942 --> 00:04:02,743
WHAT?
79
00:04:02,776 --> 00:04:04,778
"THAT ALL MEN
ARE CREATED EQUAL."
80
00:04:04,812 --> 00:04:07,715
WE'RE ALL EQUAL?
WELL, THAT'S COOL.
81
00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:08,816
YEAH.
82
00:04:08,849 --> 00:04:11,819
SO THEN, FOR US
TO BE THE BEST
AMERICANS WE CAN BE,
83
00:04:11,852 --> 00:04:13,421
WE NEED COMPLETE
EQUALITY.
84
00:04:13,454 --> 00:04:14,688
YES, YES, YES.
85
00:04:14,722 --> 00:04:16,156
WE NEED TO SHARE
EVERYTHING.
86
00:04:16,189 --> 00:04:18,526
THE FOOD,
THE LAND, THE WORK.
87
00:04:18,559 --> 00:04:19,927
WE'LL COMMUNE
TOGETHER.
88
00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:20,761
EXACTLY!
89
00:04:20,794 --> 00:04:22,530
ALL RIGHT,
BUT FIRST THINGS FIRST.
90
00:04:22,563 --> 00:04:23,431
WHO'S IN CHARGE?
91
00:04:23,464 --> 00:04:25,666
NO ONE, THAT'S THE POINT.
WE'RE ALL EQUAL.
92
00:04:25,699 --> 00:04:28,235
RIGHT. GOOD CATCH.
OK, GOOD.
93
00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:29,236
DON'T YOU THINK
LIKE, YOU KNOW,
94
00:04:29,269 --> 00:04:32,606
WE NEED SOMEBODY
TO BE IN CHARGE
OF EQUALITY?
95
00:04:32,640 --> 00:04:34,942
YOU KNOW,
JUST TO MAKE SURE
THINGS STAY EQUAL?
96
00:04:34,975 --> 00:04:37,478
THAT'S NOT A BAD IDEA.
JUST A LITTLE EXTRA
PAPERWORK,
97
00:04:37,511 --> 00:04:40,514
NOT MUCH GLORY...
BUT WHO?
98
00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:48,456
HARRY?
99
00:04:48,489 --> 00:04:49,757
YOU INTO IT?
100
00:04:49,790 --> 00:04:52,259
ME? WELL,
I DON'T KNOW.
101
00:04:52,292 --> 00:04:54,962
IT WOULD LOOK GOOD
ON YOUR RESUME.
102
00:04:54,995 --> 00:04:56,597
YEAH.
103
00:04:56,630 --> 00:04:59,232
THEN I'D BE THE GUY
WHO'S IN CHARGE
OF EQUALITY,
104
00:04:59,266 --> 00:05:03,671
AND TEACHES MATH
TO INNER-CITY
SCHOOL CHILDREN.
105
00:05:03,704 --> 00:05:07,107
HARRY, YOU DON'T
TEACH MATH.
106
00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:09,510
OK, SO I PADDED IT.
107
00:05:15,282 --> 00:05:17,385
MARY,
JUST CURIOUS...
108
00:05:17,418 --> 00:05:18,852
WHAT WOULD
YOU GIVE AMERICA
109
00:05:18,886 --> 00:05:20,488
ON A SCALE
OF 1 TO 10?
110
00:05:20,521 --> 00:05:22,155
OH, I'D GIVE IT A 10.
111
00:05:22,189 --> 00:05:23,156
A 10?
112
00:05:23,190 --> 00:05:24,558
WHY, WHAT WOULD
YOU GIVE IT?
113
00:05:24,592 --> 00:05:28,128
OH, IT WOULD BE UP THERE.
A 7 OR 8.
114
00:05:28,161 --> 00:05:29,530
7 OR 8?
115
00:05:29,563 --> 00:05:32,700
WELL, IT'S NOT SET
IN STONE. WOW ME.
116
00:05:32,733 --> 00:05:34,602
OH, DICK, THERE ARE PLACES
IN THIS WORLD
117
00:05:34,635 --> 00:05:37,037
WHERE YOU WOULD
GO TO JAIL, OR EVEN WORSE
118
00:05:37,070 --> 00:05:39,573
FOR GIVING YOUR COUNTRY
A 7 OR AN 8.
119
00:05:39,607 --> 00:05:40,874
REALLY?
120
00:05:40,908 --> 00:05:43,411
AMERICA GIVES YOU
SO MANY FREEDOMS.
121
00:05:43,444 --> 00:05:47,180
FINE, I'LL GIVE IT
A HARD 8.
122
00:05:47,214 --> 00:05:51,318
I'M SORRY, I GET A LITTLE
PASSIONATE ABOUT THIS.
123
00:05:51,351 --> 00:05:53,987
YOU KNOW, MY FAMILY
CAME OVER ON THE MAYFLOWER.
124
00:05:54,021 --> 00:05:54,755
THE MAYFLOWE?
125
00:05:54,788 --> 00:05:57,458
OH, BOY.
126
00:05:57,491 --> 00:05:58,626
THAT'S RIGHT.
NETTIE ALBRIGHT
127
00:05:58,659 --> 00:06:00,160
WAS ONE
OF THE FIRST SETTLERS
128
00:06:00,193 --> 00:06:02,630
TO COME TO AMERICA
ON THE MAYFLOWER.
129
00:06:02,663 --> 00:06:07,034
NINA, WAS YOUR FAMILY
ON THE MAYFLOWER?
130
00:06:07,067 --> 00:06:10,638
NO, WE CAME OVER
ON A DIFFERENT BOAT,
131
00:06:10,671 --> 00:06:12,473
BUT I'M SURE
WE HOOKED UP
WITH THE ALBRIGHTS
132
00:06:12,506 --> 00:06:15,776
SOON AFTER
WE ARRIVED.
133
00:06:18,679 --> 00:06:20,914
OUR FAMILY IS A MORE
RECENT ARRIVAL,
134
00:06:20,948 --> 00:06:22,082
SO I--I GUESS
WE'LL NEVER BE
135
00:06:22,115 --> 00:06:23,951
AS AMERICAN
AS YOU ARE, HUH?
136
00:06:23,984 --> 00:06:27,788
OH, NO. YOU'RE MISSING
THE POINT.
137
00:06:27,821 --> 00:06:29,923
WE'RE A LAND
OF IMMIGRANTS.
138
00:06:29,957 --> 00:06:31,592
THE ALBRIGHTS
FOUNDED AMERICA
139
00:06:31,625 --> 00:06:35,162
SO THAT PEOPLE LIKE YOU
WHO COME FROM NEAR AND FAR
140
00:06:35,195 --> 00:06:38,031
COULD SHARE
IN ITS FREEDOMS
AND PROSPERITY.
141
00:06:38,065 --> 00:06:39,600
IS THERE SUCH A THING
AS TOO FAR?
142
00:06:39,633 --> 00:06:42,402
OF COURSE NOT...
143
00:06:42,436 --> 00:06:44,638
TOO MANY, MAYBE.
144
00:06:44,672 --> 00:06:48,842
SO WE'RE THE SAME.
2 AMERICANS.
145
00:06:48,876 --> 00:06:51,044
OH, I'VE NEVER FELT
AS CLOSE TO YOU
146
00:06:51,078 --> 00:06:53,447
AS I DO RIGHT NOW.
147
00:06:53,481 --> 00:06:54,915
WHAT DO YOU SAY
WE AMERICANS
148
00:06:54,948 --> 00:06:55,816
SLIP INTO
THE COPY ROOM
149
00:06:55,849 --> 00:06:58,018
AND DECLARE
INDEPENDENCE
FROM OUR PANTS?
150
00:06:58,051 --> 00:06:59,152
OH!
151
00:07:04,992 --> 00:07:07,327
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA,
WHAT'S WITH
THE NEW SHOES?
152
00:07:07,360 --> 00:07:11,665
THEY'RE NOT NEW.
I GOT 'EM 4 HOURS AGO.
153
00:07:11,699 --> 00:07:13,901
HARRY.
154
00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:15,135
THE EQUALITY LEADER
HAS DECIDED
155
00:07:15,168 --> 00:07:17,638
THAT THERE WILL
BE NO COMPETITION
IN DRESS.
156
00:07:17,671 --> 00:07:19,439
IF ONE OF US
GETS NEW SHOES,
157
00:07:19,473 --> 00:07:22,109
WE ALL GET
NEW SHOES.
158
00:07:22,142 --> 00:07:23,110
I'M DOWN WITH THAT.
159
00:07:23,143 --> 00:07:24,845
NICE JOB,
EQUALITY LEADER.
160
00:07:24,878 --> 00:07:28,749
AND YOUR SUNDAES
ARE READY.
161
00:07:28,782 --> 00:07:31,251
AND OOP.
162
00:07:35,388 --> 00:07:39,693
HEY, TOMMY GOT MORE
ICE CREAM THAN ME.
163
00:07:45,799 --> 00:07:47,367
NOPE. EQUAL.
164
00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:48,301
NO, THEY'RE NOT.
165
00:07:48,335 --> 00:07:50,504
THE EQUALITY LEADER
HAS RULED.
166
00:07:50,538 --> 00:07:53,907
YEAH. 1, 2, 3.
167
00:07:53,941 --> 00:07:56,176
1, 2, 3.
168
00:07:56,209 --> 00:07:59,312
1, 2, 3.
169
00:08:00,948 --> 00:08:03,283
UH...
170
00:08:03,316 --> 00:08:04,718
I--I DIDN'T GET
ANY WHIPPED CREAM.
171
00:08:04,752 --> 00:08:06,620
THE EQUALITY LEADER
HAS RULED.
172
00:08:06,654 --> 00:08:10,323
EH, EH, EH, EH,
EH, EH, EH, EH.
173
00:08:12,425 --> 00:08:14,094
4 CHERRIES.
174
00:08:14,127 --> 00:08:16,530
HOW'S HE GONNA
DIVIDE THAT UP?
175
00:08:35,248 --> 00:08:37,551
[SIGHS]
THE LEADER HAS RULED.
176
00:08:39,386 --> 00:08:41,321
I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING.
177
00:08:45,292 --> 00:08:47,628
PLEASE RISE
FOR THE PLEDGE
OF ALLEGIANCE.
178
00:08:47,661 --> 00:08:49,029
[ALL CHATTER]
179
00:08:49,062 --> 00:08:52,499
YES, THE PLEDGE.
UP, UP, UP!
180
00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:54,167
AND NO FANCY
ALTERNATE WORDING.
181
00:08:54,201 --> 00:08:56,403
I WANT IT PERFORMED
EXACTLY AS IT APPEARS
182
00:08:56,436 --> 00:08:58,972
ON MY LAMINATED
BOOKMARKER.
183
00:08:59,006 --> 00:09:00,140
AND BEGIN.
184
00:09:00,173 --> 00:09:01,508
WAIT. WHERE
DO WE LOOK?
185
00:09:01,541 --> 00:09:04,578
UH, PAIR OFF AND LOOK
AT YOUR PARTNERS.
186
00:09:04,612 --> 00:09:07,047
DON'T--DON'T WE HAVE
TO LOOK AT A FLAG?
187
00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:10,417
UH, YES, OF COURSE.
UH, WHO HAS A FLAG?
188
00:09:10,450 --> 00:09:13,420
NO ONE BROUGHT
A FLAG TO CLASS?
189
00:09:13,453 --> 00:09:15,188
CARYN HAS A FLAG
ON HER PANTS.
190
00:09:15,222 --> 00:09:16,990
OH, UH, GREAT.
UH, CARYN,
191
00:09:17,024 --> 00:09:17,891
PLEASE REMOVE
YOUR PANTS
192
00:09:17,925 --> 00:09:20,661
AND PASS THEM
TO THE FRONT
OF THE CLASS.
193
00:09:20,694 --> 00:09:23,230
NO, DR. SOLOMON, I'M NOT
GONNA REMOVE MY PANTS.
194
00:09:23,263 --> 00:09:25,866
OH, I'M SORRY.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
195
00:09:25,899 --> 00:09:26,900
THAT WOULD
BE DEGRADING.
196
00:09:26,934 --> 00:09:27,968
JUST GET UP
ON THE DESK.
197
00:09:28,001 --> 00:09:29,937
COME ON.
UP, UP, UP...
198
00:09:29,970 --> 00:09:32,505
AND UP!
199
00:09:32,539 --> 00:09:35,575
AND, UH...
200
00:09:35,609 --> 00:09:36,576
AND BEGIN.
201
00:09:36,610 --> 00:09:39,613
All: I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE
TO THE FLAG--
202
00:09:39,647 --> 00:09:40,714
WHAT FLAG IS THAT?
203
00:09:40,748 --> 00:09:42,650
OF THE UNITED STATES
OF AMERICA--
204
00:09:42,683 --> 00:09:44,117
COME ON, SELL IT,
SELL IT!
205
00:09:44,151 --> 00:09:47,621
AND TO THE REPUBLIC
FOR WHICH IT STANDS--
206
00:09:47,655 --> 00:09:48,956
TO THE REPUBLIC
FOR WHICH IT STANDS!
207
00:09:48,989 --> 00:09:52,259
ONE NATION, UNDER GOD,
INDIVISIBLE--
208
00:09:52,292 --> 00:09:54,728
INVISIBLE? WHO SAID
INVISIBLE? LEON!
209
00:09:54,762 --> 00:09:56,964
AND JUSTICE FOR ALL.
210
00:09:56,997 --> 00:09:59,366
WHAT KIND
OF A PLEDGE IS THAT?
211
00:09:59,399 --> 00:10:01,769
WHERE'S THE PASSION?
WHERE'S THE ENTHUSIASM?
212
00:10:01,802 --> 00:10:04,137
OH, NEVER MIND.
213
00:10:04,571 --> 00:10:07,741
CARYN,
GET OFF MY DESK!
214
00:10:10,543 --> 00:10:13,814
HURRY UP.
HARRY'S DAILY ADDRESS
IS ABOUT TO START.
215
00:10:20,688 --> 00:10:21,989
I DON'T LIKE THIS.
216
00:10:22,022 --> 00:10:23,791
OH, I DO.
217
00:10:23,824 --> 00:10:25,158
EVER SINCE I CAME
TO THIS PLANET,
218
00:10:25,192 --> 00:10:26,960
I'VE HAD TO OBSESS
OVER WHAT TO WEAR,
219
00:10:26,994 --> 00:10:29,062
AND HOW MUCH TO EAT,
AND HOW TO FIX MY HAIR.
220
00:10:29,096 --> 00:10:31,598
BUT ALL OF A SUDDEN
THERE'S ORDER AGAIN,
221
00:10:31,631 --> 00:10:35,135
AND ALL MY DECISIONS
ARE MADE FOR ME.
222
00:10:35,168 --> 00:10:37,237
BUT WE'RE LOSING
OUR INDIVIDUALITY.
223
00:10:37,270 --> 00:10:41,842
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT,
NUMBER 1258?
224
00:10:41,875 --> 00:10:44,712
CITIZENS OF AMERICA,
I AM PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE
225
00:10:44,745 --> 00:10:48,281
THAT THINGS HAVE
NEVER BEEN MORE EQUAL.
226
00:10:48,315 --> 00:10:49,717
[IMITATES CROWD CHEERING]
227
00:10:49,750 --> 00:10:54,154
ENOUGH! I HAVE INSTALLED
INTERCOMS
228
00:10:54,187 --> 00:10:55,255
THROUGHOUT THE APARTMENT
229
00:10:55,288 --> 00:10:57,524
TO BETTER FACILITATE
COMMUNICATION.
230
00:10:57,557 --> 00:10:59,993
NO MATTER WHAT ROOM
YOU ARE IN,
231
00:11:00,027 --> 00:11:02,329
I WILL HEAR YOU...
232
00:11:02,362 --> 00:11:04,597
OR YOU CAN
COMMUNICATE WITH ME
233
00:11:04,631 --> 00:11:07,500
ON ANY AND ALL ISSUES
OF EQUALITY
234
00:11:07,534 --> 00:11:10,670
YUP, YUP, YUP, YUP!
235
00:11:16,944 --> 00:11:18,578
AND NO MORE SHOES!
236
00:11:18,611 --> 00:11:21,949
WE WILL BURY THESE SHOES!
237
00:11:21,982 --> 00:11:23,016
THAT IS ALL.
238
00:11:23,050 --> 00:11:26,253
Dick: FAMILY MEETING!
FAMILY MEETING!
239
00:11:32,926 --> 00:11:36,429
OH, YOU ALL
LOOK FETCHING.
240
00:11:36,463 --> 00:11:37,898
YOU REALLY THINK SO?
241
00:11:37,931 --> 00:11:40,100
I DON'T CARE.
242
00:11:40,133 --> 00:11:42,302
TOMMY, WAS THE NAME
OF THE SHIP
THAT BROUGHT US HERE
243
00:11:42,335 --> 00:11:44,471
CALLED THE MAYFLOWER?
244
00:11:44,504 --> 00:11:47,274
NO, I THINK IT WAS CALLED
THE Z-5000.
245
00:11:48,208 --> 00:11:50,410
THE Z-5000 FLOWER?
246
00:11:50,443 --> 00:11:53,146
UH, NO.
JUST THE Z-5000.
247
00:11:53,180 --> 00:11:54,281
OH, TOO BAD.
248
00:11:54,314 --> 00:11:57,250
YOU KNOW, I HAD
SUCH A GREAT TIME
WITH MARY TODAY.
249
00:11:57,284 --> 00:11:58,718
IN THE PAST,
THERE'S ALWAYS BEEN
250
00:11:58,752 --> 00:12:00,153
THIS HUMAN-ALIEN
BARRIER,
251
00:12:00,187 --> 00:12:02,689
BUT TODAY, WE WERE
JUST 2 AMERICANS.
252
00:12:02,722 --> 00:12:04,825
YOU'RE CANADIAN.
253
00:12:05,692 --> 00:12:08,295
WHAT?!
254
00:12:08,328 --> 00:12:10,397
YOUR PASSPORT HERE
SAYS YOU'RE CANADIAN.
255
00:12:10,430 --> 00:12:11,098
GUILTY.
256
00:12:11,131 --> 00:12:12,900
NO! HOW COME
I'M NOT AMERICAN?
257
00:12:12,933 --> 00:12:15,769
WELL, I THOUGHT
IT WOULD LOOK
PRETTY SUSPICIOUS
258
00:12:15,803 --> 00:12:17,704
IF ALL 4 MEMBERS
OF OUR FAMILY
259
00:12:17,737 --> 00:12:19,807
WERE FROM
THE SAME COUNTRY.
260
00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:22,175
I CAN'T ARGUE
WITH THAT LOGIC.
261
00:12:22,209 --> 00:12:23,543
BUT WHAT
AM I GONNA DO?
262
00:12:23,576 --> 00:12:24,611
HOW AM I GONNA
TELL MARY
263
00:12:24,644 --> 00:12:27,680
THAT SHE'S SLEEPING
WITH THE ENEMY?
264
00:12:32,685 --> 00:12:35,155
MMM...
265
00:12:35,188 --> 00:12:36,489
I DON'T THINK
THIS IS 4 CHEESES.
266
00:12:36,523 --> 00:12:40,193
I THINK
THIS IS 5 CHEESES.
267
00:12:40,227 --> 00:12:41,461
YOU KNOW WHO
I'D REALLY LIKE
268
00:12:41,494 --> 00:12:43,463
TO SIT DOWN
AND SPEND
SOME TIME WITH?
269
00:12:43,496 --> 00:12:47,534
WHO?
CANADIAN SONGSTRESS
CELINE DION.
270
00:12:50,537 --> 00:12:51,872
GOOD, DICK.
271
00:12:51,905 --> 00:12:54,007
THAT'S RIGHT,
I SAID CANADIAN.
272
00:12:54,041 --> 00:12:55,675
WHO KNEW?
I DIDN'T...
273
00:12:55,708 --> 00:12:57,044
BECAUSE SHE'S
NOT ONE OF THOSE
274
00:12:57,077 --> 00:12:58,879
IN-YOUR-FACE
CANADIANS.
275
00:12:58,912 --> 00:13:02,315
SHE'S JUST A NORMAL
PERSON LIKE YOU
AND ME, ONLY...
276
00:13:02,349 --> 00:13:04,952
CANADIAN.
277
00:13:04,985 --> 00:13:07,921
GOOD FOR HER.
278
00:13:07,955 --> 00:13:09,189
YOU KNOW, I--I THINK
THE 2 OF YOU
279
00:13:09,222 --> 00:13:10,490
WOULD BE GREAT FRIENDS.
280
00:13:10,523 --> 00:13:11,558
I'M SURE WE WOULD.
281
00:13:11,591 --> 00:13:12,759
OH, MARY,
DO YOU MEAN IT?
282
00:13:12,792 --> 00:13:15,128
NO, I DON'T KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT HER.
283
00:13:15,162 --> 00:13:16,796
I DON'T LISTEN
TO HER MUSIC.
284
00:13:16,830 --> 00:13:18,899
SO, HER SHRILL,
CANADIAN VOICE
285
00:13:18,932 --> 00:13:22,469
SOUNDS TRAMP-LIKE
TO YOU?
286
00:13:22,502 --> 00:13:24,104
I DO NOT HAVE
A STRONG OPINION
287
00:13:24,137 --> 00:13:26,306
ONE WAY OR THE OTHER.
288
00:13:27,307 --> 00:13:29,042
CARE FOR
A CANADIAN LAGER?
289
00:13:29,076 --> 00:13:31,845
OH, PUT THAT AWAY!
WE'RE AT SCHOOL!
290
00:13:31,879 --> 00:13:34,414
FINE, FINE.
291
00:13:34,447 --> 00:13:38,886
MMM, MARY,
THIS CANADIAN BACON
IS GOOD STUFF.
292
00:13:38,919 --> 00:13:40,353
WOULD YOU LIKE SOME?
293
00:13:40,387 --> 00:13:42,722
I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER
HAD CANADIAN BACON.
294
00:13:42,755 --> 00:13:47,127
OH, MARY,
YOU'VE BEEN HAVING IT
FOR THE LAST 4 YEARS!
295
00:13:51,431 --> 00:13:52,199
NEXT.
296
00:13:52,232 --> 00:13:53,500
NEXT!
297
00:13:56,803 --> 00:13:59,239
HELLO, CITIZEN.
298
00:13:59,272 --> 00:14:00,740
HOW MAY I HELP YOU?
299
00:14:00,773 --> 00:14:04,211
I NEED TOILET PAPER.
300
00:14:04,244 --> 00:14:08,481
SORRY, TODAY WE ARE
DISTRIBUTING POTATOES.
301
00:14:08,515 --> 00:14:12,152
BUT I REALLY NEED
TOILET PAPER.
302
00:14:12,185 --> 00:14:14,421
WELL, WE'VE GOT SAND PAPER.
303
00:14:22,029 --> 00:14:24,331
FINE. I'LL TAKE
A POTATO.
304
00:14:28,969 --> 00:14:30,337
TOMMY, YOU HAVE
TO HELP ME.
305
00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:32,272
I NEED TO BECOME
AN AMERICAN.
306
00:14:32,305 --> 00:14:33,273
WELL, I'M FINDING
AMERICA
307
00:14:33,306 --> 00:14:35,508
PRETTY OPPRESSIVE
THESE DAYS.
308
00:14:35,542 --> 00:14:37,077
I THINK YOU'RE LUCKY
TO BE A CANADIAN.
309
00:14:37,110 --> 00:14:39,346
OH, THERE'S ONLY
ONE LUCKY CANADIAN,
310
00:14:39,379 --> 00:14:43,083
AND HIS NAME
IS PETER JENNINGS.
311
00:14:43,116 --> 00:14:45,152
FINE. IF YOU WANT
TO BE AN AMERICAN
SO BADLY,
312
00:14:45,185 --> 00:14:47,120
I'LL JUST
PRINT YOU UP
A FAKE PASSPORT.
313
00:14:47,154 --> 00:14:48,655
DON'T YOU GET IT, MAN?
314
00:14:48,688 --> 00:14:50,723
I'VE BEEN FAKE
FOR TOO LONG.
315
00:14:50,757 --> 00:14:54,261
FOR 5 YEARS,
I'VE BEEN PRETENDING
TO BE HUMAN WITH MARY,
316
00:14:54,294 --> 00:14:58,999
BUT FOR ONE BRIEF,
SHINING MOMENT,
WE WERE BOTH REAL.
317
00:14:59,032 --> 00:15:01,334
REAL AMERICANS.
I WANT THAT BACK!
318
00:15:01,368 --> 00:15:03,370
WELL, THEN, YOU'LL HAVE
TO DO IT THE HARD WAY.
319
00:15:03,403 --> 00:15:04,437
APPLY FOR CITIZENSHIP.
320
00:15:04,471 --> 00:15:07,174
THE HARD WAY
IS THE AMERICAN WAY.
321
00:15:07,207 --> 00:15:08,208
TELL ME ABOUT IT.
322
00:15:08,241 --> 00:15:09,977
I'M WEARING STANDARD
ISSUE UNDERWEAR,
323
00:15:10,010 --> 00:15:14,847
AND GUESS WHAT?
IT RIDES.
324
00:15:14,881 --> 00:15:16,483
UNTIL I GET MY AMERICAN
CITIZENSHIP,
325
00:15:16,516 --> 00:15:18,918
I'LL--I'LL JUST BE
CAREFUL WHAT I TALK ABOOT
AROUND MARY.
326
00:15:18,952 --> 00:15:21,854
UH, UH...
327
00:15:21,888 --> 00:15:22,889
ABOOT?
328
00:15:22,922 --> 00:15:25,025
DID I SAY "ABOOT?"
OH, I'M SORRY,
329
00:15:25,058 --> 00:15:27,260
I'VE BEEN UNDER
A LOT OF STRESS, EH?
330
00:15:27,294 --> 00:15:29,362
EH? OOH!
331
00:15:29,396 --> 00:15:31,798
SO, TOMMY...
332
00:15:31,831 --> 00:15:34,267
I UNDERSTAND
SOMEONE'S
NOT TOO HAPPY
333
00:15:34,301 --> 00:15:36,569
WITH
HIS UNDERWEAR.
334
00:15:36,603 --> 00:15:37,804
HOW DID YOU
KNOW THAT?
335
00:15:37,837 --> 00:15:42,942
I HAVE EYES
AND EARS EVERYWHERE.
336
00:15:47,380 --> 00:15:49,616
[CLEARS THROAT]
I'M, UH...
337
00:15:49,649 --> 00:15:51,151
HERE FOR MY CITIZENSHIP.
338
00:15:51,184 --> 00:15:53,220
YOU MEAN YOU'RE HERE
TO TAKE THE TEST?
339
00:15:53,253 --> 00:15:55,088
A TEST? OH, NO, NO, NO.
340
00:15:55,122 --> 00:15:57,390
NO, THAT WON'T
BE NECESSARY.
341
00:15:57,424 --> 00:15:58,358
I THINK I'M EXEMPT.
342
00:15:58,391 --> 00:16:00,427
I REGULARLY
"DO" A WOMAN
343
00:16:00,460 --> 00:16:03,296
WITH CLOSE TIES
TO THE MAYFLOWER.
344
00:16:03,330 --> 00:16:04,197
REALLY?
345
00:16:04,231 --> 00:16:09,402
YES, THE MAYFLOWER,
AND YES, "DO."
346
00:16:09,436 --> 00:16:11,804
YEAH, I DON'T THINK
YOU UNDERSTAND.
347
00:16:11,838 --> 00:16:13,573
UM, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE
THESE STUDY MATERIALS
348
00:16:13,606 --> 00:16:14,741
AND JUST COME BACK
WHEN YOU'RE READY?
349
00:16:14,774 --> 00:16:16,609
NO, I--I'M READY NOW.
350
00:16:16,643 --> 00:16:18,511
I--I'VE LIED
ON MY TAX RETURNS,
351
00:16:18,545 --> 00:16:22,249
I'VE BEEN ARRESTED,
AND I DON'T VOTE.
I'M A TRUE AMERICAN.
352
00:16:22,282 --> 00:16:25,385
TEST ME. TEST ME NOW.
353
00:16:25,418 --> 00:16:27,254
OK, QUESTION ONE...
354
00:16:27,287 --> 00:16:29,822
"HOW IS THE PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES
ELECTED?"
355
00:16:29,856 --> 00:16:31,524
UH, NO, I KNOW THIS.
356
00:16:31,558 --> 00:16:35,762
HE OR SHE--
YEAH, RIGHT--
357
00:16:35,795 --> 00:16:36,929
IS CHOSEN ON THE BASIS
358
00:16:36,963 --> 00:16:39,066
OF HOW PHYSICALLY
ATTRACTIVE THEY ARE,
359
00:16:39,099 --> 00:16:43,336
AND THEIR DEFINITION
OF ADULTERY.
360
00:16:43,370 --> 00:16:48,508
AND IT DOESN'T HURT
TO KNOW BARBRA STREISAND.
361
00:17:06,025 --> 00:17:09,562
WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED
TO THIS PLACE?
362
00:17:09,596 --> 00:17:10,930
A REVOLUTION.
363
00:17:10,963 --> 00:17:14,267
TOMMY, DID YOU SEE
WHO DID THIS?
364
00:17:14,301 --> 00:17:16,603
IT WAS ME!
365
00:17:16,636 --> 00:17:17,904
I WANT TO LIVE IN A PLACE
366
00:17:17,937 --> 00:17:19,706
WHERE I CAN BE
AN INDIVIDUAL.
367
00:17:19,739 --> 00:17:21,674
WHERE I CAN
EXPRESS MYSELF FREELY
368
00:17:21,708 --> 00:17:23,110
AND PURSUE
MY OWN HAPPINESS.
369
00:17:23,143 --> 00:17:26,113
AND YOU'RE GONNA
GIVE UP AMERICA FOR THAT?
370
00:17:26,146 --> 00:17:29,916
DON'T YOU SEE?
THIS ISN'T EQUALITY,
THIS IS CONFORMITY.
371
00:17:29,949 --> 00:17:31,784
THE GRAND DREAM IS DEAD.
372
00:17:31,818 --> 00:17:34,020
SALLY...
373
00:17:34,053 --> 00:17:36,923
I KNOW THAT YOU'VE
GOT SOME HISTORY
WITH THIS FELLOW.
374
00:17:36,956 --> 00:17:37,624
WHAT, ME? NO.
375
00:17:37,657 --> 00:17:41,128
THEN PROVE IT.
TAKE HIM OUT.
376
00:17:41,161 --> 00:17:45,665
FINE. GO AHEAD.
STRIKE ME DOWN,
377
00:17:45,698 --> 00:17:47,334
BUT THERE
ARE MANY MORE LIKE ME
378
00:17:47,367 --> 00:17:48,801
WHO WILL STAND UP TO YOU.
379
00:17:48,835 --> 00:17:52,339
WHO WILL PICK UP
THE BURNING TORCH
OF FREEDOM
380
00:17:52,372 --> 00:17:54,841
AND HOLD IT HIGH
IN MY PLACE.
381
00:17:54,874 --> 00:17:56,309
AND IT'S NOT A QUESTION
382
00:17:56,343 --> 00:18:01,013
OF IF OR WHEN SOMEONE
PICKS UP THAT TORCH.
383
00:18:01,047 --> 00:18:04,651
IT'S A QUESTION OF WHO.
384
00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:09,956
I WILL.
385
00:18:12,825 --> 00:18:15,728
I WILL...
386
00:18:15,762 --> 00:18:18,030
PICK UP THAT TORCH.
387
00:18:18,064 --> 00:18:20,400
SALLY, ARE YOU WITH US?
388
00:18:20,433 --> 00:18:22,235
I WILL...
389
00:18:22,269 --> 00:18:26,673
KILL YOU BOTH
IN YOUR SLEEP!
390
00:18:35,515 --> 00:18:36,616
DICK, ARE YOU
IN HERE?
391
00:18:36,649 --> 00:18:41,954
YES. QUILTED IN DARKNESS,
LIKE A TINY SNOW BEAVER
392
00:18:41,988 --> 00:18:45,358
ON THE PLAINS
OF SASKATCHEWAN.
393
00:18:45,392 --> 00:18:47,827
WHAT'S WRONG?
394
00:18:48,795 --> 00:18:52,665
THERE'S SOMETHING
I HAVEN'T TOLD YOU, MARY.
395
00:18:52,699 --> 00:18:53,800
OH, DICK,
WHATEVER IT IS,
396
00:18:53,833 --> 00:18:54,834
WHATEVER
YOU'VE DONE,
397
00:18:54,867 --> 00:18:56,936
YOU KNOW
I'LL STAND BY YOU.
398
00:18:56,969 --> 00:18:59,672
I'M A...
399
00:18:59,706 --> 00:19:01,140
I'M A CANADIAN.
400
00:19:01,174 --> 00:19:02,074
WHAT?!
401
00:19:02,108 --> 00:19:03,109
A CANADIAN.
402
00:19:03,142 --> 00:19:05,612
WHY WERE YOU AFRAID
TO TELL ME THIS?
403
00:19:05,645 --> 00:19:07,280
BECAUSE I WAS ASHAMED.
404
00:19:07,314 --> 00:19:10,250
SOMEONE WITH YOUR LINEAGE
WOULD NEVER KNOWINGLY CONSORT
405
00:19:10,283 --> 00:19:16,656
WITH SOMEONE WHOSE MONEY
IS 65 CENTS TO YOUR DOLLAR
ON A VERY GOOD DAY.
406
00:19:16,689 --> 00:19:18,358
DO YOU HATE ME NOW, MARY?
407
00:19:18,391 --> 00:19:21,894
NO, I STILL LOVE YOU.
408
00:19:21,928 --> 00:19:23,196
YOU DO?
409
00:19:23,230 --> 00:19:24,030
AS A MATTER OF FACT,
410
00:19:24,063 --> 00:19:25,632
I'M BEGINNING TO FEEL
A LITTLE BETTER.
411
00:19:25,665 --> 00:19:29,602
THIS EXPLAINS ALMOST
ALL OF YOUR BEHAVIOR.
412
00:19:31,404 --> 00:19:34,006
I WANTED SO BADLY
TO BE YOUR
AMERICAN BOYFRIEND.
413
00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:35,675
I EVEN TOOK
THE CITIZENSHIP TEST,
414
00:19:35,708 --> 00:19:39,246
BUT IT WAS MORE COMPLICATED
THAN I THOUGHT.
415
00:19:39,279 --> 00:19:43,883
DICK, WE AMERICANS
HAVE A RICH
AND STORIED HISTORY.
416
00:19:43,916 --> 00:19:47,220
IT TAKES TIME
AND PERSEVERANCE
TO LEARN IT ALL.
417
00:19:47,254 --> 00:19:49,622
YOU WOULD HAVE
ACED THAT TEST.
418
00:19:49,656 --> 00:19:52,725
YOU WOULD HAVE KNOWN
WHO ELECTS THE PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES.
419
00:19:52,759 --> 00:19:54,461
OF COURSE I WOULD
HAVE, DARLING,
420
00:19:54,494 --> 00:19:56,863
IT'S THE PEOPLE.
421
00:19:56,896 --> 00:19:59,699
NO, IT--IT'S
THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE.
422
00:19:59,732 --> 00:20:03,002
WAIT, WHAT, NO--
YES! THE ELECTORAL
COLLEGE!
423
00:20:03,035 --> 00:20:04,771
YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT.
OH, YES, I DID.
424
00:20:04,804 --> 00:20:06,072
THEN TELL ME
WHO BECOMES PRESIDENT
425
00:20:06,105 --> 00:20:08,975
IF THE PRESIDENT
AND VICE PRESIDENT
BOTH DIE.
426
00:20:09,008 --> 00:20:10,677
SECRETARY OF STATE.
427
00:20:10,710 --> 00:20:12,479
WRONG! SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE!
428
00:20:12,512 --> 00:20:15,282
SWING AND A MISS!
STRIKE 2, YANKEE!
429
00:20:15,315 --> 00:20:17,484
WHY ARE YOU PUTTING
ME ON TRIAL?
430
00:20:17,517 --> 00:20:18,585
BECAUSE I'VE BEEN
THROUGH HELL
431
00:20:18,618 --> 00:20:20,720
TRYING TO PROVE
THAT I'M WORTHY TO BE HERE,
432
00:20:20,753 --> 00:20:23,055
WHILE YOU,
A GREAT AMERICAN,
433
00:20:23,089 --> 00:20:24,824
A DESCENDENT
OF BOAT PEOPLE,
434
00:20:24,857 --> 00:20:27,694
YOU KNOW JUST AS LITTLE
ABOUT AMERICA AS I DO.
435
00:20:27,727 --> 00:20:28,795
I KNOW PLENTY.
436
00:20:28,828 --> 00:20:30,430
NO, YOU DON'T.
NEITHER DO I.
437
00:20:30,463 --> 00:20:33,533
WE DON'T KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT THIS COUNTRY.
ISN'T THAT WONDERFUL?
438
00:20:33,566 --> 00:20:37,203
I LOVE YOU,
YOU BEAUTIFUL
AMERICAN IDIOT.
439
00:20:37,236 --> 00:20:40,172
GO TO HELL, YOU BIG,
DUMB CANUCK!
440
00:20:40,206 --> 00:20:42,875
NO!
441
00:20:45,345 --> 00:20:48,348
YOU KNOW, AMERICA
IS SUCH AN ENIGMA.
442
00:20:48,381 --> 00:20:49,215
IF YOU'RE NOT BORN HERE,
443
00:20:49,248 --> 00:20:51,217
YOU HAVE TO TAKE
A TEST TO LIVE HERE,
444
00:20:51,250 --> 00:20:53,252
BUT MOST OF THE PEOPLE
WHO WERE BORN HERE
445
00:20:53,286 --> 00:20:56,656
WOULD FAIL THAT TEST
AS MISERABLY AS I DID.
446
00:20:56,689 --> 00:20:59,526
SO THEN,
MAYBE TO BE
TRULY AMERICAN,
447
00:20:59,559 --> 00:21:01,994
IS TO BE IGNORANT
OF AMERICA
448
00:21:02,028 --> 00:21:04,997
AND TO TAKE IT
FOR GRANTED
AT EVERY JUNCTURE.
449
00:21:05,031 --> 00:21:06,833
OH, MY GOD, YOU GUYS,
450
00:21:06,866 --> 00:21:08,868
DO YOU KNOW
WHAT THIS MEANS?
451
00:21:08,901 --> 00:21:11,037
THE GREATEST AMERICANS
IN THIS COUNTRY
452
00:21:11,070 --> 00:21:13,706
ARE SITTING
ON THIS ROOFTOP.
453
00:21:13,740 --> 00:21:15,742
AIN'T YOU PROUD,
HARRY?
454
00:21:15,775 --> 00:21:19,812
* AND THE ROCKET'S
RED GLARE *
455
00:21:19,846 --> 00:21:19,912
* THE BOMBS
BURSTING IN AIR *
31656
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