All language subtitles for The Misadventures of Romesh s01e02 Ethiopia.eng

This programme contains
some strong language.

Jesus.

Out.

What is your name?
Er, Romesh Ranganathan.

A comedian from the UK.

What are you doing here?

I'm going to countries, sort of,
because of their reputation,

people don't tend to go to.

I'm going to be visiting Haiti,
Ethiopia and Albania.

Really? Why? Why would you do that?

THEY LAUGH

I mean, he's got a point.

Why can't I go somewhere
like Australia?

DIRECTOR: Because Dara O Briain
did Australia.

OK, what about Thailand?
Karl Pilkington has been there.

Well, we're stuck, properly stuck.

Not like Top Gear,
let's see if the Land Rover Disco

can make it out of the snow stuck,
we're actually stuck.

Vietnam?

Jack Whitehall went there
with his dad.

Of course he bloody did.

I think camping is for knobs.

The whole reason we have inside
is not to be outside.

So why are we outside?

Nepal? Michael Palin.

Cuba? Michael Palin.

Brazil? Michael Palin.

Jesus Christ, Michael bloody Palin!

THEY YELL

Did you see it out there?

I think it might be what's left
of my dignity.

I mean, my intention is to fully
immerse myself in the country

and the culture.

Is Ethiopia...

..all about famine?

Is Haiti all about poverty
and earthquakes?

Is Albania just bleak and communist?

If it's shit,
I'll tell you it's shit.

It is genuinely one of
the most incredible places

I've ever been in my life.

That was horrible.
I hate Albania, man.

HE LAUGHS

Right. Is your mum coming?

No. Why would my mum be coming?
Is your mum coming?

Essentially, all I know about
Ethiopia is long-distance running

and famine.

So, apparently,
45% of the population of Ethiopia

are aged under 15
and 71% are aged under 30.

That is...

That means...

Well, that means they're very young.

I was trying to think of a more
profound kind of conclusion

to make from that.

Most of them have not seen
Star Wars.

Maybe even more profound than that

is that most of them won't remember
this famine disaster.

I don't think that's more profound
than the Star Wars fact.

That's not my plane.

As you can see,
Ethiopia is in East Africa,

landlocked by several other
African nations.

This, disappointingly, rules out
the chances of relaxing on a beach.

I flew into Addis Ababa,

the capital of a country of over
100 million people.

The second largest in Africa.

Hello. Romesh? Yes.

Welcome to Ethiopia, man.
Thank you very much.

How are you doing, man?
I'm very fine.

Lovely to meet you.
Nice to meet you too.

I was met by Mike, an anthropologist
who would show me around,

give me an insider's guide, and
explain what anthropologist means.

Can I be straight up with you?
Yeah, man. This...

This is not like how I expected
Addis to look like.

What was your basic conception?
Like, when you're new, like...

You've got to remember, right,
in Britain,

charity appeals started
with Ethiopia, right?

Yeah. We were the beacon.
Ethiopia is the original.

You're the original. Original! Yeah.

You are the original charity case,
right? OK.

This was not what you saw
on the information...

Exactly. That's exactly what it is.
Yeah.

This is nice. This is, like...

It's liveable. Yeah.

And you've obviously got
building work going on. Yeah.

Typical city skyline. Yeah.

The city has been here a long time.

You know, people usually think,
like,

people are not walking across
in leopard skins.

Yeah. Yeah.

Mike told me that Ethiopia
is known as the cradle of humanity,

where the first humans evolved
millions of years ago.

I'd read that the country had
suffered through decades

of political turmoil
and civil unrest,

but Mike insisted it's awash
with amazing landscapes

and incredible historical sites.

As a first stop, though,
he took me to a local market.

So, is this one of the bigger
markets around here, then?

Yeah. This is the second-biggest
market in Addis.

It's quite hectic, isn't it?
It's quite hectic, yeah.

You couldn't spend hours and hours

walking around here, could you?
No, no, no.

Because this is like
a constantly evolving market,

you always get
the fresh produce here. Right.

The vegetables and stuff
look wicked. Yeah, man.

There is a conception that Ethiopia
has no food. Yeah.

People think that we have
drought or famine,

but that days has already passed.
There is a lot of food here.

Right. Now we are on
the fasting season.

Fasting season? What do you mean?

Every year we have 55 days
of the major fasting season.

Yeah. And in some seasons,
Wednesdays and Fridays

are always fasting,
which means we are vegan.

You're vegan? Oh, my God,
this is brilliant news, man.

So, vegan food is not going
to be an issue?

Well, look around.
Like, everything you see is vegan.

Mate, I love this country already.
Yeah, man. Yeah, man.

Salaam. Salaam.

Hi. Hi.

So, one of the things is Ethiopian
food centres around chilli.

So it's got ingredients
that go into it,

and one of the things
is onions and garlic. OK.

And our food culture is well
and thriving, you know? OK.

Very nice. Thank you very much.
I like the market. It's great.

So, what's next? Drinks?

Yes, I'm up for it. We'll grab some.

You do the pound
here as well, sweet.

Addis Ababa has
a thriving music scene,

a blend of Ethiopian
tribal music and jazz.

The sound was huge
in the '50s and '60s

and is making a comeback
in the myriad of jazz clubs

that dot the capital.

Mike took me to a bar in a
neighbourhood near where he grew up.

This is it here?
This is it here. OK.

SHE SINGS

This is a traditional club.

If you go to the countryside it's
not going to be the same setting,

but this is what it kind of
looks like.

What they will be doing
is freestyling.

They have never met you,
they look at you, then, you know,

they come up with something...
Horrible?

Horrible and nice.

It depends on...

..how friendly you are.

What the role of those
freestylers is, in the past,

the news of the day,
they would satirise it in rhyme.

It's sort of like a comedy
freestyle thing.

Which I didn't witness.

What I witnessed was people
taking turns to point at me

and insult me repeatedly
in a language I didn't understand.

It was just a procession of people
sort of insulting me, basically.

HE SINGS

My comedy can't be doing that well,

because I haven't got
any food to eat.

And he's a comedian in Ethiopia,
and he's doing really well.

After the performance he's going
to set a raging blaze behind me

that threatens my life.

I don't know if that prophecy
will come true

but it feels like it's starting
to come real.

Mr Romesh...

I got up, I wasn't prepared...

And I think they thought because
I'm a comedian

I'm going to be able to
come up with loads of stuff.

DRUMBEAT PLAYS

Hello, my name is
Romesh Ranganathan

I've got a long beard,
that's purely because I'm Asian.

As it turns out,
I was as shit as I expected.

I'm trying to rap
but it's something I'm really bad in

But that guy over there
looks like the genie from Aladdin.

LAUGHTER

Uh...

It's very nice to be here,
thank you for welcoming me

I can't think of anything that
rhymes with that

So I'll just say he

It's me. Romesh, the Asian

I'm gone. Thanks for your...

I think I used the word
hospitalatian.

Oh, God.
What? That's not even a word!

OK, participation!

So, not only was I insulted
the entire evening,

I then went up and showed that
I couldn't do what they'd done.

Thank you.
THEY CHANT: Encore!

Then they said, "Encore,"
and I was like, "Absolutely no way."

What's that, mate?

The following morning,
Mike drove us out of town.

He told me we would spend the week
on a whistle-stop tour of Ethiopia,

seeing a myriad of delights,
including ancient rock churches,

stunning salt flats...

..scientific marvels...

..and camels.

We would begin with a trip to
Shashamane,

home to the country's considerable
Rastafarian population.

I feel like I need to
apologise to you.

For what? For my performance
at Fendika, I'm sorry.

I was just taken by surprise.

No, no, no. If I'd have known
that I was going to do that,

I might have been better.
As it was, I humiliated.

OK, but it was good, you know.

Like when I said hospitalatian.

No, no. That was bad, wasn't it?
No, it was not.

It was bad, you're being nice to me.

No, I'm not being...
That's one of the worst things.

No, because you have to improvise.
Right.

That's the best...

That's the best thing
about these things.

Because I don't really
know the culture,

I started to get nervous that
I might say something that really,

like...super offensive.

And then all of a sudden,
the vibe changes.

And they're offended.

It ends with me getting
the shit kicked out of me. Yeah.

We should try and, like, do some
stuff where we talk in rhymes, like.

Yeah. To try and practise. Yeah!

Shashamane.

Shashamane

We love Shashamane

We're going to Shashamane.

Yeah, man.

To see the Rasta man, hey

Rasta man, hey.

Mike explained that in 1948,
the former Ethiopian emperor

Haile Selassie
donated 500 acres of land

to allow the descendants
of slaves to return to Africa.

He took me to meet Ras Lumumba,
the creator of a local museum,

who would offer to show us around
and explain more about the movement.

How are you?
So, Rom, this is Ras Lumumba.

Hello, nice to meet you. Yeah, man.

He may or may not
have been smoking weed.

THEY CHUCKLE

Can we have a look at
your museum, then?

Yes, sire, Rastafari.

So, what is this?

What you see here, Ethiopia.

200 years and seven,
all Africa is named Ethiopia.

Selassie.

Hear me, and pray over there
in Israel.

To finish my work in peace and love.

Yeah.
Here, me, I look like Eddie Murphy.

You do look like Eddie Murphy.
Eddie Murphy looks like me.

Eddie Murphy looks like me,
not me I look like him.

No, I get it.
He copied your style. Yeah.

These are the things,
this is my big son now.

His name Patrice.

He is in Israel. So, how many kids
have you got, then?

I have four kids, five.

Four. Five? Yeah.

And married how many times?

I'm married four times.

Yeah. Married four times.

Yeah.

Cool.

Four times.

Israel, American,
Japanese, Ethiopian.

Rastafari!

I'm sort of falling in love
with him,

I think that's what's happening.

He is, like, the coolest dude ever.

He's showing us his museum,

so we're just going to have
a quick look around.

And then, who knows
what might happen?

DIRECTOR: Do you understand the
principles of Rastafarianism? No.

I mean, he's sort of talked
around it a fair bit, but...

No.

Ras Lumumba told us,
or at least I think he told us,

that he was born in Sudan as Lumumba
Davi Opai Kalopo Mono Oso Kali,

or possibly just Patrice.

I attempted to pin him down
on a few specifics.

Yes, what do you want to say, Rasta?

See, you've got a bit of weed
on the go now.

Yeah, you need to smoke this.
This is the healer of the nation.

What is the relationship between
this and Rastafarianism?

This is the incense...

..of the Rastafarian.

These are the connect between
the Rastafarian and the movement.

Yeah.

You want a taste?
No, I'm fine, thank you. OK.

THEY CHUCKLE

So, what is...
what is the sort of main...?

What are the main principles
of Rastafarianism?

What is it, exactly?

The Rastafari is the head of
all what you look at.

The creator is the Rastafari,

is the creator.

It's not like religion of Muslim
or Christian,

or this, or this, or this. OK.
It's the creator.

The movement of the Rastafari

is believing Haile Selassie is
the King of Kings, Lord of Lords

and conqueror in the line of
the tribe of Judah. Who is this?

Who is this?

Haile Selassie.

A lot of details in the things,

but as you can see,
what else can you do?

HE CHUCKLES

Rastafari!

THEY LAUGH

Well, that's Ras Lumumba.

ROMESH LAUGHS

I think that's a one-stop shop
for Rasta.

So, the thing that I had not
understood properly

up until this point... OK.

..is that I thought of
Rastafarianism as like a religion,

like any other religion.
Like Hinduism, Christianity etc.

Yeah. But it's not that, is it?
It's a way of life.

It's a way of life,
and they revere...

..King Haile Selassie because of
what he did for Ethiopia, right?

That, and some prophecies, you know?

Some prophecies that led to him
being in that position.

Haile Selassie, I think,
is considered a Messiah.

Like Jesus Christ. OK, got you.

So it's like an all-in-one mix.

But I think Ras Lumumba
cleared that all up for you.

Yeah, very much so.

No?

ROMESH LAUGHS

He did, yeah. Yeah, man.
Yeah, he cleared it up.

The following day we awoke early,

and remembering this was
supposed to be a holiday,

Mike took me up into the hills
for a traditional spa treatment.

So, are you into, like,
wellness and spas and stuff?

Uh, well, I like a massage.

Here the spa kind of thing
is really big. Yeah.

Tourists start picking up on trends,
like this traditional,

unspoiled, exotic kind of treatment.
Yeah.

This one's starting to catch up,
like, really fast.

So, welcome to our traditional spa.

OK, it's very traditional, isn't it?
Yeah.

I was greeted by the sight of
a man that I was told was a doctor.

He had a shovel,
and he had a mate with him

who I assume was a nurse.

And Mike then told me that this was
a natural spa, what we were seeing,

which was essentially what
looked like Shrek's home.

This is where we lie.
We lie in there? Yeah.

First we put a leaf. OK.
Lie here. Yeah.

Then it's spa away.

Perfect. Ideal.

This is exactly how I imagined it.
Yeah.

This is the life, isn't it?

This is the life, man.

Oh!

This is actually quite nice. Yeah.

What's going on?
They're putting hot sand.

Ay, ay, ay!

So he said to me
this is a really natural way

of doing what we try and
recreate in the West.

And that's supposed to sort of help
you with any ailments you've got.

The minerals from the sands
and stuff like that

are supposed to cure what ails you.

DIRECTOR: So, Rom, how hot is it?

Well, it's warm. It's warm.
It's sort of...

I feel like I'm a cinnamon stick
in a really hot bowl of porridge.

I think it's getting hotter
and hotter.

Can you feel it? I can feel it, yes.

It's a combination of sort of
heat and rage.

The rain helped my head be cold,

so I had a kind of hot apple pie and
ice cream kind of experience

where my head was freezing cold

but also the rest of my body
was on fire.

Are you actually OK, Rom?

Is it too hot? Yes.

I mean, I've said that
from the beginning.

This is not new news. My balls...

..are so hot.

Died-died?

So, in the middle of you
being burnt alive,

there were quite a few
technical issues

because of the rain, wasn't there?

The idea
that while I'm being cooked alive,

that I would give anything
approaching a shiny shit

about your coverage, blows my mind.

It absolutely blows my mind.

Oh, God.

Oh, God, it's freezing.

OK.

What happens now?

Now I think we take our
traditional showers.

OK, I think we should, mate.

I don't mind if you piss on me,
I just want this off me.

Oh, mate.

Oh, yeah.

Yes!

Woo!

That's actually good.
That is good, man.

So, yeah, it's fine,
I'm glad I did it.

I get why people would want
to do that.

100%, you would go to,
like, a spa hotel,

and they would lie you down there,
and instead of a shovel

they'd have a small kind of
gilt-edged spade head.

And they would put this stuff
on you and you would be going,

"Oh, it's remarkable,"

and apparently they've got them
directly from Ethiopia.

That sand was volcanic.

Like, I actually felt like
my skin was being damaged.

My... It seemed to focus on
my arse crack and balls.

That was...
He kept lumping sand on there.

The heat... The core temperature of
my left testicle I think

was the same as on, like, Venus.

With my balls searing a hole in my
jeans, we continued on our journey.

I could no longer father children,

one of the many positives I've taken
from my time in Ethiopia.

The landscape was beautiful,

and the people were amazingly
warm and welcoming,

but it definitely felt edgier than
the places I normally go on holiday.

And it was becoming clear that
during my time there,

Ethiopia was going through
a period of upheaval.

I'd been warned about the roads

being amongst the worst
in the world,

but the country has undergone
a massive road rebuilding programme,

and rogue animals aside,
they felt safe.

But as beautiful as
the landscape was,

and as funny as the people were,

there were a few things that were

starting to make me feel
uncomfortable.

Having spent a few days here,

there are a few things that sort of
ring alarm bells in me a little bit.

For example, the police presence
in the streets.

There are roadblocks everywhere,
the fact that we've been moved on

from certain areas before it gets
dark because of potential unrest.

Everyone you speak to,
you know, you speak to Mike

and anyone else around here,
they are very proud of the country.

They want you to come here.

They like pricking
your preconceptions,

explaining to you
how you've got things wrong.

But a little bit of internet
research sort of uncovers

the fact that things are...

I mean, essentially, Ethiopia is
currently in a state of emergency,

which I had no idea about.

In early 2018, a six-month
state of emergency was declared,

triggered by tensions within
the ruling coalition,

widespread protests

and the eventual resignation
of the Prime Minister.

It's sort of...

I mean, I've got to be honest.
Like...

It does sour my...

I don't feel as comfortable
about being here,

if I'm being honest with you.

Some people are saying that a new
prime minister might prove to be

a force for change in the country,

and this could be really
positive for Ethiopia.

I hope so, because I wouldn't
want to feel that I'm contributing

to a regime that is oppressing
its people.

I wouldn't want to feel like
I'm pouring money

into something that is wrong.

You know, I try and shop ethically.

You know, I eat ethically, so...

..it makes sense that
I would holiday ethically,

or I'd visit other places ethically.

And I think a lot of people
feel that way.

The issue continued to play
on my mind as we headed north,

catching a flight to Mekelle.

Ethiopia is home to no less than
nine Unesco World Heritage Sites,

including five in the north
of the country.

I was told we wouldn't be
going to any of them

but to a remote region
called the Danakil,

a volatile zone near
the disputed Eritrean border

which is apparently
the hottest place on Earth.

What's the maximum it's going to
get to, do you think?

50.

50?!

Yeah. The Danakil Depression is...

It's, like, within the rift valley.

So, a rift valley is apparently
where the oldest...

Fossils. Fossils of humans, right?

Yeah. There is another side
of the rift valley,

that's where the fossils are found.

But here, it's almost like
we're going to another planet.

To my increasing bemusement,
Mike explained that the Danakil

has an average temperature
of 34.4 degrees Celsius.

At 125m below sea level,

it's also one of the lowest points
on the planet.

So, this is the village
of Hamad-Ile. OK.

Welcome to Hamad-Ile.

This is where all of us are staying.

Nobody is being given any special
treatment, all the crew, everyone.

Is that true? Are you staying here?

Are you staying here? Yeah.

There's nowhere else.

OK.

And what's inside here?

Inside it's just...
You see it's locked,

so it's quite safe.

With the padlock. Yeah, from us?

Yeah. So that we don't, like...

Yeah, but we're outside.

You can't advertise a padlock to me
that's locking us outside a thing.

We are outside. Yeah...

The only thing that's protecting
us from is anything that's in there.

But look at this. We've got
the whole rest of the world, mate.

Would you want to, like,
sleep indoors

in the hottest place on Earth?

No, look,
I'm being honest with you.

I'm happy to...

And by happy, I mean there's
no other choice but to sleep here.

So that's fine. Cool. Right.

Are you going to be sleeping
somewhere where I can punch you?

No, no, no.
I'm going to keep my distance.

Other than being very hot
and very low,

the Danakil is famous for
its ancient salt mining trade.

Thousands of tonnes of salt are
transported from the region daily

on enormous camel trains.

We joined what looked like an
extremely low-speed police chase,

with a squad of camels chasing down
some rogue donkey outlaws.

So, this trek is one of
the oldest treks in the world.

This has been going on, you know,
for centuries.

They will make two or three trips
to the nearest town, called Barhale,

which is, like, 60K from here.

60K? Yeah.

60K.
So how long is that going to take?

That might take them, like,
two days.

After making these trips, they'll go
from Barhale back to their village.

They'll take, like,
a minimum of seven days.

Oh, my God. Yeah.

Just hard and gruelling way of life.

It's unbelievable. Yeah.

It's just the pace is surprising.

Yeah. Cos they look like,
from a distance,

they're just ambling along,
but actually... Yeah.

These people, the ones that are
walking alongside them,

must keep up this pace. For 60K.

Two ways, you know. Yeah.

If I wasn't with you, or say...
Could anybody come and, like,

just ask to come and join
these guys for the walk?

Would they let them?
Yeah, of course.

Oh, really? Yeah, man.

So you could wander along, go,

"I fancy coming along and doing
a bit of salt mining..." Yeah.

"..let's go smash it up,"
they would be up for it, yeah?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, is this all salt here?

Cos this looks just like mud.

This is salty mud.

It's got a bit of salt,
but most of it is sand.

But where we're going,
all you see is salt.

That's where they cut the slabs
and transport them back.

So there is a degree to how much
salt there is as we go.

It's going to get saltier
and saltier.

Yeah, and less sandy.

So, how far have we got left to go?

From here, we'll do about
the last 5K.

We drove the final 5km
to a spot deep in the desert

where the salt is hacked
from the earth.

I can't believe they're working
in this heat, man. Yeah.

750 licensed miners toil here daily,

battling 40-degree temperatures to
remove the impurities from the salt

and carve them into blocks
that can be loaded onto the camels.

Do you know how much one of these
slabs will sell for in the market?

THEY SPEAK OWN LANGUAGE

17.

So it's 17 birr,
that's like 50 cents in pounds.

50 pence. 50 pence. Right.

So one camel can take
from 30 to 34 slabs.

So you're looking at about
15 quid a camel.

15 quid a camel.

HE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE

So he's saying, because the changing
ways of the world, you know,

technology is creeping in
through all fields of work,

that their income
has slowly been dwindling.

But how is technology
affecting them?

Some time ago there used to be 2,000
cutters here at any given time.

But now, because of the advent of
roads and everything,

these things are dying out.

Would you recommend coming here?

I would hate to think that suddenly
you'd get troupes of Westerners

sort of wandering around in
a circuit going,

"Oh, God, they're working really
hard," and, "Isn't it hot?"

Much like I did when I was
wandering around.

But, you know, this is an incredible
place to be, and it's very surreal,

and I like it for that regard.

My instincts are always

that I hate seeing animals being
involved in stuff like this.

But that's a very easy thing for me,
from Crawley,

to come along and be appalled
at what is happening to camels.

I'm not appalled, that's how
they have to do their job.

From talking to the guys,
they know not to overload them,

and it's as humane as it could
possibly be in the circumstances.

After talking to them about the fact
that business is getting tougher

and technology is encroaching,
and the market price isn't great,

I find myself wishing that somebody
in marketing at Holland & Barrett

suddenly declares that
Ethiopian salt is a super food

just to push the price of this up

so that wankers in Shoreditch
start buying it.

Do you know what I mean?

Mike drove me to Lake Karum,

one of two salt lakes
in the northern Danakil,

which create the deposits
over a period of thousands of years.

Although there is just
an inch of water,

the salt beneath it
runs almost 2km deep.

It's so beautiful.

I don't often say that.
I don't think I've ever said that.

I don't think I said that
on my wedding day.

It's just...

So, this...

MIKE LAUGHS

Yeah, that is... Salty. Mm.

There's something moreish
about it, though. Yeah?

I feel like I want to do it again.
Can I do it again? Yeah.

Oh, that is horrid.
Yeah. That is...

It's like a mouthful of salt.

It's just genuinely incredible.
Yeah.

Like, this feeds the whole country
in salt.

Beer by sunset, yes? Yeah, man.

Did you bring beer?
Because I didn't.

Of course.

It's actually genuinely lovely.

Yeah. Thank you very much.

After such heat, you know, beer,
it's just like a godsend.

I know I sort of take the piss,
but this is genuinely...

..beautiful. Yeah.

That's me being sincere,
it'll happen once.

Tired? I am tired, yeah.

What happens if, like, you need
a piss in the middle of the night?

There is a toilet over there.

That's the road.

No, next to the road
there is a toilet.

Next to the road there's a toilet?
Yeah, you see the light over there?

What is this? This one? Yeah.

It's a house thing, just to
remind you that it's possible.

Yeah, I did once.

I hated it.
I think camping is for knobs.

The whole reason...
Why have we got inside?

So you don't have to sit outside.
That's the whole point. It's like...

Where is the inside?

When civilisation,
when people started,

not far from here, by the way,

they went, "Outdoors is shit,
isn't it, at night?

"Let's build something
and go inside there."

And now we're outside.

I just don't understand it.

If it was so beautiful,
we never would have invented inside.

Do you understand what
I'm saying to you?

The whole reason we have inside
is not to be outside,

so why are we outside
when inside is an option?

Who made that? The first little pig?

All right.

I'm going to go back to that bed
and as soon as Mike falls asleep,

I'm going to suffocate him.

All right, mate?

Fine.

It was quite comfortable, wasn't it?

I didn't sleep.

Mike announced that we would spend
the morning visiting

the Danakil Depression,
an extreme, alien-like landscape

that has been drawing in scientists
from all over the world.

The region is close to the disputed
Eritrean border and it's seen

frequent fighting between
the two countries.

We were advised it was necessary
for us to travel with armed guards.

Right now, Mike is speaking to
the chief of the village

to sort us out a couple of police
and militia

to basically look after us
while we're there.

I know I'm supposed to sort of,
like,

for the purposes of the show
add some drama to that,

because it is quite dangerous,

but I'm just knackered,
so this is me on high alert.

What have you got on your head?

What have I got on my head?

It's what we call
the airport cavity search generator.

I mean, that's pretty full-on,
isn't it, having armed guards? Yeah.

Do they do that for every visitor?
Every.

It's illegal to go without
an armed guard.

And is it true that it stinks?

It stinks, of course.

And is it true that you
can burn your feet? Yeah.

And is it true that there's
acid everywhere?

Yeah.

It's not that there is acid
everywhere,

I don't know why people
try to exaggerate things.

Acid all over the place?

That's an exaggeration. OK.

Is there acid there?
The place is acid.

So it's not all over.

Look at the colours here. Yeah.

So, welcome to Dallol.

Holy shit!

That is...

That is insane.

Mind where you're stepping, and step
on the darker shades, OK?

OK. Yeah.

You know, this place is toxic.

The yellow part you see
is the sulphur. Yeah.

That's why you smell this
eggy kind of thing.

I'm completely protected
by the cloth, though.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You are completely safe.

Yeah. Don't worry.

And the red kind of tint
is the iron oxide.

What is that little
squirting nipple?

That's the geyser, you know.

That is around 112 degrees,

the last time we checked.

This place is like a hot spot
for scientists.

Right. All of this you see is acid.
Acid in different forms.

So if it's possible for bacteria
to inhabit this part

of such a harsh environment,

it's possible for bacteria
to inhabit Mars. Right.

So that life on Mars can be
like a step closer.

So such things have been
found in recent years,

and this has created like a buzz
in the scientific community.

You know, once when I was
about nine years old,

my brother, he ate 12 Creme Eggs
and then he threw up.

OK. It looks a bit like this.

MIKE LAUGHS

That's a nice comparison.

It was the worst Easter of all time.

From the oppressive heat
of the Danakil

we moved west towards Tigray,

an area marketed as the cradle
of civilisation

and home to 120 ancient churches
carved into the rocky landscape.

On the way, Mike announced we would
be stopping off for another one

of Ethiopia's unique
health and wellness treatments.

So, let's go in
and see what's up, man.

Oh, my Lord. What's going on here?

Why is it so busy?

Is this quite a popular treatment?
Yeah.

Salt, it cleans your eyes.

So...

Salaam.

HE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE

So you sleep like this
for 20 minutes.

Close your eyes then this kind of,
like, sucks everything out.

So, they're cleansing their eyes,

and how it happens is they dip this
cotton wool, he said,

in some sort of medicine.

Then you put it
underneath your eyelids,

then you lie down for 20 minutes
and then you take it out.

Because...

..it sounds like one of
the worst things ever.

I'm just not...
I'm funny about my eyes anyway,

do you know what I mean?

And I've already got one
that is not 100% functional,

I don't want to smash out
the other one.

Everything is going to be fine.

Ah!

Rom, have you run away?

No, I'm still here.

The cardboard just
disappeared into his eye.

Oh, my God!

It was so much. I thought it was
going to be a tiny bit.

It was like a hay bale.

The cardboard just went
straight into his skull.

It was one of the worst things
I've ever seen!

It was one of the worst things
I've ever seen.

So, what is it actually
supposed to do, Mike?

What is supposed to happen is, like,
you know, like...

There is a lot of dirt
in the eye cavity, you know? Right.

Like the one that doesn't get out,
so it will stick to the wool.

Does it feel weird
when the cotton wool goes in?

It feels a little weird,
but it's literally seconds,

so you don't feel nothing. OK. Yeah.

Whoa!

You see wood. Yeah.

This wood, this wood.

Can you imagine the things
that are in our eyes?

And even there is more.

Like here, you see?

Do you really believe?
I just can't...

Look, either this treatment is
the most incredible in the world

or there was a bait and switch,
right?

Because it was literally a handful
of wood came out of his face.

I just find it very difficult
to believe.

That's because I'm
a cynical person by nature,

but twigs, breakable twigs.

I mean, I get my eyes checked out
every six months to a year.

Not once has he said,

"Yeah, we'll keep with
the same prescription glasses.

"Just so you know,
you've got a little bit of bark

"round the back of the left one."

With his eyes cleaned
of any excess wood,

Mike climbed behind the wheel
and drove us on to Tigray.

My image of Ethiopia as
a drought-ridden dust bowl

had proved to be wildly inaccurate.

Much of Ethiopia appeared
to be green and fertile,

and if anything, food is one of
the country's attractions.

So I was surprised to hear that
we were travelling through one of

the areas worst affected by
the infamous mid-'80s famine.

More than 400,000 people
are believed to have died

in the disaster,
sparking an international response

that in many ways still defines
the country to this day.

I mean, the truth is, without
putting too fine a point on it,

Ethiopia is essentially
the famine poster boy. I know.

We grew up knowing what the rest of
the world has got a misconception in

because of those three years.

We have to see this in context.

What happened during that time was
the country was in turmoil.

Like, there was war, east to west.

Like, everywhere.

With more than 60% of our annual
budget going to feed the military,

there was not enough going
to the, like, farming,

which was '84, '85, '86.

'85 was the peak of
when that happened.

After '86, things went back to the
way they were.

But those three years left us with
the legacy of being, as you say,

the poster child of famine.

And we have to understand,
drought is everywhere.

And we know, like, a lot of parts

in Australia and the US
are affected by drought.

But you didn't just have drought,
you had drought plus war,

which is what led to famine. Yeah.

How annoying is it to you to have
the international image

of your country determined by
something that happened

before you were even born?
Is that even on your conscience now?

Yeah. Right.

For me, it is just a bit
painful because...

..you are stereotyped so much.

In my line of work I meet people
from all over the world,

so we know of the things that
are packed inside their bags

when they come here,
like energy bars,

like anything that will supplement,
like diet supplement pills,

if they couldn't find any food.

But we know of the reality.

I'm not saying we're not grateful
for what happened,

like with We Are The World.

We Are The World from many aid
agencies and many celebrities...

..it was a real help.

Imagine, like, Sir Bob Geldof,
what he did here. Yeah.

But if you see now, the population
is nearing 100 million

and for most of us, including me,

the drought and the famine
is just old history.

Yeah. Old, old history,
because we were not even there.

I'm not saying it's not right
to look back,

you have to look back to go forward,
you know,

to know where you're heading.

But most of the population now
is looking at

the future and not the past.

And the future for this country
is looking real bright.

Simba, we rule over everything
the light touches.

Do you not think this is what
it looks like?

Simba? You know The Lion King?

Mufasa and Simba are looking out
and then Mufasa says,

"Simba, everything the light touches

"belongs to us." Remember that?

I don't know if I've
got the line exactly right.

And I pick up the kid and go...

The following day we drove on to
the Gheralta Mountains,

where Mike had decided we would
finish the trip

with a visit to a rock church
called Abuna Yemata.

It would apparently involve a long
walk followed by a long climb.

Brilliant.

So, pretty much I told you
it would be a walk, right?

Yeah. How much further is it
of this?

Um... Maybe I think we have done
a good half.

That bit. Yeah.

Yeah. Yes.

How could you possibly be
this religious?

Do you know what I mean?

Be honest with me. Yeah.

How much worse than this
does it get?

This is the worst part.

Are you lying to me? No, no, no.

After we pass this bit,
then it's over.

Like, all of the rest
will come as no match to this. OK.

And the ledges are a lot bigger,
so don't worry.

Mike was lying.

At the top it became evident that
the climb would involve ropes,

harnesses and a scramble up
a near-vertical rock face.

Great. How do I look?

Like a massive wanker, I imagine.

Perfect in terms of it completely
obscures my vision, is that it?

LAUGHTER

Is that how you mean perfect?

OK.

That's basically it, Rom.

How are you feeling about it?
I'm good.

OK.

OK.

APPLAUSE

Oh, piss off.

I think you're better at this
than me.

OK.

The 20-foot vertical climb
accessible to anyone brave enough

eventually gets you to
a small stone bridge

with 250m sheer drops
on either side.

It is amazing.

Abuna Yemata Church was first
carved into the rock

during the fifth century,

built in an almost
inaccessible position to allow

early Christians to worship
in peace.

It is still a functioning church
to this day.

Frescoes have adorned these walls
since the 15th century.

Shielded from sunlight
and the elements,

they have never been retouched.

Wow. I mean, first of all,
it is genuinely one of the most

incredible places
I've ever been in my life.

I mean, I'm not... It is amazing.

I just sort of...

It's just incredible.

The thing that
blows my mind about it,

apart from one of the most amazing
views I've ever seen,

and the fact that this church
is so inaccessible,

is the fact that people come here
for regular service.

You can't relate to that
on a British level, you know.

The belief in religion,

to make this journey
all the time for service,

is something that is
pretty incredible.

Thank you so much.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I've done it.

How was it?

I didn't think it was all that,
mate, to be honest. Yeah?

No, I'm joking, it was great. Yeah.
It was also very frightening.

All around here, you know,
you find churches that are burrowed

deep into the, like, the rock face.

Yeah. Our Christian fathers,

they came here so that
they wouldn't be persecuted,

so that they can pray in peace.

So is that the rationale behind
having the church so inaccessible?

Yeah. It's so you can't be got at?

Yeah. One is that,
and the other thing is because

they were persecuted
for their religion,

so they were trying to protect
the religious treasures.

Right.

Treasures not meaning
gold or silver,

but the religious artefacts
and parchments,

like our religious books which
we hold so dear, you know?

OK, the question I've got... Yeah.

..is Christians are not being
persecuted in this country now.

No. So how come this church
is still active?

It's still active because we...

It's like paying homage
to our fathers.

So actually, it's sort of become
a type of penance

to continue coming here. Yeah.

It was genuinely
an amazing experience.

It felt a little bit like the end of
Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade.

Yeah. "You chose poorly."

Did you make it through the cup?
Pardon? Did you make it to the cup?

There were no cups, actually.
They didn't even offer a drink.

OK. Yeah. Yeah.

AFRICAN MUSIC PLAYS

Is this music even Ethiopian?

My time in the country
was at an end.

I said my goodbyes to Mike,

balanced myself precariously on
a cliff edge and attempted

to say something profound.

I came here expecting it,
or not expecting it,

I came here with a preconception
of it being sort of...

..suffering from the legacy
of the famine,

just seeing poverty
left, right and centre,

and that was very much it in terms
of my kind of understanding.

And the truth is it's a country
that's very rich in culture,

the scenery here is amazing.

I mean, we saw on this trip
some of the most incredible things

that I have ever seen in my life.

And we haven't even seen
a tenth of what Ethiopia

has got to offer,
and I've already seen

the most incredible things
I've ever seen in my life. I mean...

That tells you everything about
what Ethiopia has got to offer

in terms of scenery,
and the landscape etc.

The major downside for me
is the fact that they are...

..that Ethiopia is subject to
an oppressive government.

There's no getting around that.

That's not just come from
my brief internet research,

that's a known fact.

And that sat uneasily with me.

I started to become concerned that
actually,

how can you, in good conscience,
encourage people to talk positively

about a country where
you don't agree with

what the government are doing?

But the worries about you bringing
your tourist money here

should be allayed by the fact that
Ethiopians generally

want more people to come here,
and actually,

you are doing people on the ground

a big service by coming here
and spending your money.

You know, people don't come here,
and then when you do come here,

and you see how wonderful it is,

there is something that's
tempting about the fact

that you're a member of
this exclusive club, I guess.

In terms of Brits, you're a member
of the exclusive club

that knows what Ethiopia
is really about,

and then you can go and bore the
tits off someone at a dinner party

with what you found out.

I still think those people
are unacceptable,

but I understand why they do it.

HE IMITATES CIRCLE OF LIFE LYRICS

Bleak is the word that
I associate most with Albania.

HE SPEAKS ALBANIAN

Romesh Ranganathan.

Welcome.

Oh, Jesus!

There is absolutely no way,
and I mean zero chance,

of this being worth it.

Thank you very much.

MUSIC: Tey Gedyeleshem
by Alemayehu Eshete

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Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0