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Ladies and gentlemen - It's Kevin.
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HORSE NEIGHS
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HE TUNES GUITAR
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CHURCH BELL RINGS
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GUITAR INTRO - COUNTRY MUSIC
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Well, welcome to my show
It sure is good to see you folks
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We've got ourselves some
comedy with crazy skits and jokes
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We've got some songs to make
ya laugh and some to make ya cry
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So help yourself to grits and
corn, there's plenty pecan pie
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00:00:38,520 --> 00:00:41,800
I want to hear a hee, a
haw and can I hear a ho?
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00:00:41,800 --> 00:00:45,160
I do believe we're going to
see what's called a do-si-do
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Hey, yeah it's the Kevin Eldon
Show, it's the Kevin, Kevin Eldon Show
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Yee-haa!
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Hell, yeah It's the Kevin Eldon Show
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It's the Kevin, Kevin Eldon Show.
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MUSIC STYLE TURNS ELECTRONIC
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(ELECTRONIC VOICE SAMPLE)
Show, show, show, show, show, show...
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Got a show right
here it's smoking,
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toking, want to see ya
laughing and a-joking
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Got some jokes that pump
and thump and hump and
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00:01:09,469 --> 00:01:11,920
mess-up and think there's
even one about a dumpling.
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LYRICS BECOME UNINTELLIGIBLE
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...'Cause all is need is oxygen!
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Oxygen, oxygen Bob,
can you bring some oxygen?
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? Oxygen, oxygen, I really need
some oxygen! Oxygen, oxygen! ?
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HE INHALES DEEPLY
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Aaahhh!
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COCK CROWS
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COUNTRY MUSIC STYLE
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Hot dog, it's the Kevin Eldon
Show, it's the Kevin, Kevin Eldon Show
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Lord have mercy!
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Hoo-wee, it's the Kevin Eldon Show,
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It's the Kevin, Kevin, Kevin
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Kevin, Kevin, Kevin
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Kevin, Kevin, Kevin
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Kevin, Kevin, Kevin
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? Kevin Eldon Sho-o-o-o-w. ?
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Yee-haa!
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All right!
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00:02:03,000 --> 00:02:07,000
Hmm, you really are making
excellent progress, Mrs Drury.
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I'll just get the nurse to
take your temperature.
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I take it you don't object to being
treated by a sexy '80s nurse?
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Nurse!
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TROMBONE STRIPTEASE MUSIC
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Cor!
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Blimey!
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Whoops!
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STEAM TRAIN WHISTLE
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SHE LAUGHS
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I...I...I...I...I...
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I'll see you the same
time tomorrow, Mrs Drury.
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Delightful card.
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Ahhh!
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It's the last show of the
series, so quite frankly,
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this week I am spoiling myself rotten.
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Just a bit lower there please,
Olga. Ah, thanks very much.
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And why not - it's only your money.
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00:03:30,440 --> 00:03:34,160
Some of which I'm also using to
hire close-up magician Billy Pike
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to personally entertain me.
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- Hi, Billy.
- Hello.
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I love close-up magic.
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Well, how about this?
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Oh, it's magic!
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Abracadabra.
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How do you do it?
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I start by holding the coin between
me forefinger and me thumb
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and moving the other
hand across it like this.
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When I open me hand, it
appears like it's vanished.
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In fact, I don't take it.
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Just let the coin fall
into this hand, like so.
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But the next bit is a bit trickier.
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00:04:04,880 --> 00:04:06,960
If I want to move the
coin from the palm of me
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00:04:06,960 --> 00:04:11,120
hand to behind your ear, I have to
summon up the power of pure evil,
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00:04:11,120 --> 00:04:14,160
which I've harnessed in the
form of a still-beating human heart,
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00:04:14,160 --> 00:04:16,960
that I cut from the
living body of a virgin.
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Oh.
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I keep in this shoebox.
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Oh, yeah, that is still beating, isn't it?
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Yeah, it has to be a
beating heart...of a virgin.
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DISTANT SCREAMS
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Or else the trick...
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...won't work!
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So it's actually quite simple, isn't it?
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When you know how.
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Hey, do you fancy a massage?
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Ooh, I wouldn't say no.
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KNUCKLES CRACK
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Be gentle!
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What? Howay, man! That's shite!
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It's nothing like us.
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00:05:08,200 --> 00:05:09,840
Ya want to lay aff the Rioja!
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00:05:14,680 --> 00:05:17,280
- And now...
- Excuse me? Would you like a fight?
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Um...no, not just now, thanks.
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Right ho.
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And now once more to the white coat window
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00:05:25,560 --> 00:05:28,760
on the world of worldwide wonders
with the wuverly Wendy Wilson.
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Wendy, welcome and wa wa woo?
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- What's that?
- How are you?
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- Fine, thank you.
- Warvellous. Um, I bought some flowers.
100
00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:42,040
Oh, yes - Aster alpinus. Imperilled
in certain Canadian provinces.
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00:05:44,160 --> 00:05:45,320
The multiverse?
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Yes, this is the theory
that there is an infinite
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number of universes in which
every possible scenario is played out.
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And this is a machine I've
invented, the Multiversoscope,
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which allows us to briefly
view those universes.
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00:05:56,920 --> 00:05:59,280
- You are so clever.
- Yes, I am.
107
00:05:59,280 --> 00:06:02,440
Now, let's see what this show
looks like in other universes.
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00:06:02,440 --> 00:06:04,440
I just type in "It's Kevin"...
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00:06:05,840 --> 00:06:08,320
...and push this button
for a random selection...
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and...
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According to the readout, in this universe,
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you are a grossly stereotypical Scotsman.
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Yeah... What do you
mean, grossly stereotypical?
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Oooh, what's this?
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Apparently this is a universe
where you're a toy helicopter.
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Oh, look! Look at my tiny rotor blades!
117
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And this is you in a universe
where there are no foot spas.
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No foot spas? Wow, we are
through the looking glass here, people.
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And in this universe,
there's only one foot spa.
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(STRAINED) Oh, one foot spa!
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And in this universe,
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you're that woman that
put the cat in a wheelie bin.
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- Oh, yeah!
- So as you can see, in the multiverse,
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absolutely anything is possible.
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Anything at all.
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00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:06,800
In that case, then, there's a
universe somewhere where you and I...
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- Yes?
- We're both...
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...wheat intolerant.
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Without a doubt.
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Great. Thanks, Wendy.
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You're welcome.
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BRASS BAND MUSIC
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Good evening. My name is Stanley Dewthorpe.
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I am a fictional man
from the north of England.
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00:07:34,160 --> 00:07:36,440
Fictional, mind, fictional.
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So, imagine my disgust t'other day
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when I sat down to table only to
discover that me tea weren't ready!
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For although I am a fictional northern man,
I am a traditional fictional northern man.
139
00:07:46,200 --> 00:07:49,720
I race pigeons! I never win,
but it's taking part that counts.
140
00:07:49,720 --> 00:07:52,280
I go down t'mine ten hours every day.
141
00:07:52,280 --> 00:07:55,200
It's been closed for years,
but old habits... I keep whippets!
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In t'freezer. Stops 'em going off so fast.
143
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So when I, a traditional fictional
northern man, sit down to t'tea
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table, clock on t'mantelpiece
striking six, only to be confronted
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with nowt but t'bare tablecloth
- which were filthy, incidentally -
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a very ancient fury were ignited.
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"Wife!" I shouted. "Wife! Wife!
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"Wife! Wife! Wife! Wife!"
149
00:08:23,080 --> 00:08:26,440
Decisions. There are small
ones and not-so-small ones.
150
00:08:26,440 --> 00:08:28,461
And every now and
then, you make a decision,
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00:08:28,473 --> 00:08:30,280
don't you, that
changes your whole life.
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I recently made a decision like
that when I decided to foster a ghost.
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00:08:34,840 --> 00:08:36,760
Do you want to meet her?
154
00:08:36,760 --> 00:08:39,360
Chloe? Chloe?
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00:08:42,120 --> 00:08:45,480
She's really been through it, poor
thing. She drowned in a peat bog
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00:08:45,480 --> 00:08:47,557
around the middle of
the 19th century, whilst
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00:08:47,569 --> 00:08:49,840
running away from a
particularly brutal orphanage.
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I'm surprised she's as
well-adjusted as she is. Hey, Chloe.
159
00:08:54,440 --> 00:08:55,840
Do you want to say hello?
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00:08:55,840 --> 00:08:58,720
SHE SCREAMS MALEVOLENTLY
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Yeah, she'll be fine once
she's settled into her routine.
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00:09:06,840 --> 00:09:07,880
Won't you, Chloe?
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SHE SCREAMS MALEVOLENTLY
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You just have to ignore
this sort of thing, apparently.
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"...Wife! Wife! Wife!
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"Wife! Wife! Wife!"
167
00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:33,800
Did I get an answer? Did I
buggery as 'eck like dry-stone wall.
168
00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:35,800
I were about to take me
temper out on me pipe rack
169
00:09:35,800 --> 00:09:39,120
and not for t'first time either,
when I heard somebody slipping in.
170
00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:42,960
"Oh, how very kind of you to
make an appearance, lady,"
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I quipped sarcastically.
"What time do you call this?"
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"Time you found a wife,"
said old Tom from next door,
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for it was he.
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00:09:49,760 --> 00:09:52,800
"Me and the Mrs is sick of this,
six o'clock every bloody night,
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00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:54,280
"this racket kicking off.
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00:09:54,280 --> 00:09:56,920
"If you don't stop shouting, 'Wife! Wife!'
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00:09:56,920 --> 00:10:00,120
"we're going to tell t'Council,
then you'll get what for."
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00:10:00,120 --> 00:10:02,360
Well, I couldn't very well
much say to that, could I?
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'Cause I'd ruptured me larynx
shouting "Wife! Wife! Wife! Wife!
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"Wife!
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00:10:11,440 --> 00:10:15,800
"Wi-fe! Wi-ife! Wii-ife!"
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00:10:20,960 --> 00:10:22,920
DUBSTEP MUSIC
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00:10:24,400 --> 00:10:29,720
Ah, just chilling out to some
dubstep. I love dubstep.
184
00:10:29,720 --> 00:10:32,720
Did you know that dubstep's
calming influence is being
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00:10:32,720 --> 00:10:36,080
recommended by qualified
medical practitioners to relieve
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00:10:36,080 --> 00:10:38,600
stress in all kinds of situations?
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00:10:38,600 --> 00:10:40,600
DUBSTEP BLARES
188
00:10:40,600 --> 00:10:41,760
At the dentists'...
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00:10:41,760 --> 00:10:43,480
MUSIC BLARES
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...during labour...
191
00:10:56,240 --> 00:10:57,720
...at times of bereavement.
192
00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:08,800
Ahh, dubstep.
193
00:11:09,840 --> 00:11:12,120
Hey, Bob - do you like dubstep?
194
00:11:12,120 --> 00:11:13,720
Yes, I do like dubstep.
195
00:11:13,720 --> 00:11:16,120
In fact, I'm going to listen
to some dubstep right now.
196
00:11:16,120 --> 00:11:19,320
Oh, before you go to listen to
some dubstep, do you think you could
197
00:11:19,320 --> 00:11:22,320
bring over a few of those leaflets
they've put through the door?
198
00:11:22,320 --> 00:11:23,600
I fancy some takeaway.
199
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:24,640
Righto.
200
00:11:24,640 --> 00:11:26,200
Cheers.
201
00:11:26,200 --> 00:11:30,040
Whoo! You can hear my stomach rumbling!
202
00:11:31,360 --> 00:11:34,360
Oh, no. It's the dubstep.
203
00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:36,320
Here we go. So what do you fancy?
204
00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:41,680
We've got Sausage Abattoir,
Hen Shed, Paella Cellar,
205
00:11:41,680 --> 00:11:46,520
Risotto Grotto, Stalag Burger, Offal Hovel,
206
00:11:46,520 --> 00:11:49,120
Giblet Attic, Fritter Cottage,
207
00:11:49,120 --> 00:11:53,920
Grub Ditch, Snack Dump, Soup Trough,
208
00:11:53,920 --> 00:11:58,360
Kebab Cupboard, Maison de Biryani,
209
00:11:58,360 --> 00:12:01,440
Lamb Dungeon, Gammon Pantry,
210
00:12:01,440 --> 00:12:04,600
Pastapartment, or Spam Toilet.
211
00:12:07,080 --> 00:12:08,120
Hmmm.
212
00:12:09,840 --> 00:12:12,560
Could you do us a cheese sandwich, Bob?
213
00:12:12,560 --> 00:12:13,600
Coming up!
214
00:12:16,600 --> 00:12:18,800
THANKS, BOB!
215
00:12:20,280 --> 00:12:23,920
There's everything you need at a
price you'll love at Fortune Cruncher.
216
00:12:23,920 --> 00:12:28,000
A pack of four kitchen rolls for ?5,000!
217
00:12:28,000 --> 00:12:29,960
What an absolute fortune!
218
00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:36,200
Three washing-up sponges,
?2,800. A4 lined refill pad, ?1,100.
219
00:12:36,200 --> 00:12:40,640
Unbranded Bulgarian Mars
Bars, ?700 each, two for ?3,000.
220
00:12:40,640 --> 00:12:43,440
With every Fortune Cruncher
bargain you can rest assured you're
221
00:12:43,440 --> 00:12:46,120
paying way, way, way over the odds!
222
00:12:46,120 --> 00:12:48,360
These prices are obscene!
223
00:12:48,360 --> 00:12:52,200
Fortune Cruncher, why pay
less if you can afford MORE?
224
00:12:55,840 --> 00:13:01,520
If you remember skinheads, the
Millennium bug or homosexuals,
225
00:13:01,520 --> 00:13:03,280
you'll love Classic Threats Magazine,
226
00:13:03,280 --> 00:13:06,600
the reassuring read about things that
don't seem quite so scary any more.
227
00:13:06,600 --> 00:13:09,520
Issue one comes with a free
classic Protect and Survive manual
228
00:13:09,520 --> 00:13:12,520
and a necrotising fasciitis face mask.
229
00:13:12,520 --> 00:13:17,640
Classic Threats magazine,
because fear plus time equals fun.
230
00:13:17,640 --> 00:13:20,760
Ooh, here, there's a man now.
231
00:13:20,760 --> 00:13:22,200
Excuse me, Kevin.
232
00:13:22,200 --> 00:13:23,532
Oh, yes, Margaret.
233
00:13:23,544 --> 00:13:27,240
You've got a book out that
was due back a week ago.
234
00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:30,800
- Really?
- Yes. Um, what was it called...
235
00:13:30,800 --> 00:13:35,360
Ah! A Thousand Bums by Colin Diss.
236
00:13:35,360 --> 00:13:37,320
A Thous... Oh, yeah!
237
00:13:37,320 --> 00:13:40,040
Sorry, Margaret. I've been
meaning to get that back to you.
238
00:13:40,040 --> 00:13:43,200
Er, I saw it around here
earlier somewhere. There it is.
239
00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:04,440
Yeah, sorry about that,
Margaret. Here you are.
240
00:14:04,440 --> 00:14:05,480
Oh, not to worry.
241
00:14:07,360 --> 00:14:08,400
Oh!
242
00:14:10,400 --> 00:14:11,440
Oh!
243
00:14:16,360 --> 00:14:17,680
Bye, Margaret.
244
00:14:17,680 --> 00:14:19,440
Bye...Kevin.
245
00:14:21,160 --> 00:14:22,280
Now, where was I?
246
00:14:22,280 --> 00:14:25,960
Oh, yeah. Imagine being a man
who hasn't sat down for 24 years.
247
00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:28,800
Well, this next man doesn't
need to, 'cause he hasn't.
248
00:14:28,800 --> 00:14:31,880
This is Standing Up Salim.
Hello, Standing Up Salim.
249
00:14:31,880 --> 00:14:34,520
- How are you doing?
- Have a seat!
250
00:14:34,520 --> 00:14:37,440
What are you doing?!
251
00:14:37,440 --> 00:14:39,160
- No!
- What did you sit down for?
252
00:14:39,160 --> 00:14:41,760
- But you said "take a seat".
- That was a joke. I was joking!
253
00:14:41,760 --> 00:14:44,080
- You caught me off guard!
- Bloody hell!
254
00:14:44,080 --> 00:14:45,120
There's a seat here!
255
00:14:45,120 --> 00:14:46,360
Yeah, but...
256
00:14:46,360 --> 00:14:48,805
I don't believe this!
- Quick, stand up again!
257
00:14:48,817 --> 00:14:50,120
No, it's too late now!
258
00:14:50,120 --> 00:14:54,520
I know, you could stay sitting
down and become known as
259
00:14:54,520 --> 00:14:56,480
Sitting Down Salim.
260
00:14:59,480 --> 00:15:01,200
- Aye, all right, aye.
- Oh, brilliant!
261
00:15:01,200 --> 00:15:05,120
So, ladies and gentlemen, here we
have Standing Up...Sitting Down Salim.
262
00:15:05,120 --> 00:15:07,720
So, Sitting Down Salim, how
long have you been sitting down?
263
00:15:07,720 --> 00:15:10,440
Over 15 seconds, but, er...
Think I'm going to enjoy it!
264
00:15:10,440 --> 00:15:13,218
Well, long may it continue. Thank
you very much, Sitting Down Salim.
265
00:15:13,230 --> 00:15:14,160
Cheers.
266
00:15:17,800 --> 00:15:20,240
EXCLAIMS IN OWN LANGUAGE
267
00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:25,240
I couldn't have put it better myself.
268
00:15:25,240 --> 00:15:26,320
Margaret?
269
00:15:29,680 --> 00:15:32,480
Monsieur Benedict Coupon.
270
00:15:35,480 --> 00:15:36,520
Monsieur Coupon.
271
00:15:38,200 --> 00:15:39,760
Your Gracious Majesty.
272
00:15:39,760 --> 00:15:44,600
Paris is alive with talk of
your fabulous new invention.
273
00:15:44,600 --> 00:15:47,520
You will show me, please?
274
00:15:47,520 --> 00:15:48,960
Your Majesty.
275
00:15:52,520 --> 00:15:56,480
Perpetual motion has long been but a dream.
276
00:15:56,480 --> 00:15:59,320
But now with my new creation...
277
00:15:59,320 --> 00:16:02,480
Yes, yes, yes, and what is this?
278
00:16:02,480 --> 00:16:04,040
That?
279
00:16:04,040 --> 00:16:06,880
Oh, Monseigneur, it's just a
bit that got torn off the corner.
280
00:16:06,880 --> 00:16:10,200
Now, perpetual motion...
281
00:16:10,200 --> 00:16:11,920
Genius.
282
00:16:11,920 --> 00:16:13,560
Your Majesty?
283
00:16:13,560 --> 00:16:18,960
Monsieur Coupon, correct me if I
am mistaken, but you are proposing
284
00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:22,920
the idea that this bit that got
torn off the corner could be worth
285
00:16:22,920 --> 00:16:27,400
upon presentation a saving
of a small amount of the total
286
00:16:27,400 --> 00:16:32,040
cost of say, a bottle of fluid
for cleaning household carpets?
287
00:16:32,040 --> 00:16:34,120
Are you not?
288
00:16:34,120 --> 00:16:36,440
Er...
289
00:16:36,440 --> 00:16:39,600
Sire, if I may explain...
290
00:16:39,600 --> 00:16:43,240
God himself has spoken
to you, Monsieur Coupon.
291
00:16:43,240 --> 00:16:48,560
He has shown you the grace
and the beauty of a system whereby
292
00:16:48,560 --> 00:16:53,000
a bit that got torn off the corner
may be exchanged in return
293
00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:56,760
for the lessening of the
payment due on a purchased item.
294
00:16:56,760 --> 00:17:01,680
Such as...say, a bottle of fluid
for cleaning household carpets.
295
00:17:01,680 --> 00:17:05,000
And now, no doubt, my dear Monsieur Coupon,
296
00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:08,320
you come here to Versailles to beg me
297
00:17:08,320 --> 00:17:13,480
to allow you to name this new modern
wonder the Louis XIV after me. Eh?
298
00:17:13,480 --> 00:17:16,680
- Er...
- Shhh...
299
00:17:16,680 --> 00:17:19,800
They will not allow it, Monsieur Coupon.
300
00:17:19,800 --> 00:17:24,680
No, no, this work of
ingenuity shall bear your name.
301
00:17:24,680 --> 00:17:30,160
And in ages to come, whenever
people tear a bit off the corner,
302
00:17:30,160 --> 00:17:33,240
which upon redemption represents
303
00:17:33,240 --> 00:17:36,880
a modest reduction of the
chargeable sum levied upon, say...
304
00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:51,400
...a bottle of fluid for
cleaning household carpets,
305
00:17:51,400 --> 00:17:54,520
they shall be honouring its creator.
306
00:17:54,520 --> 00:17:59,840
They will say, "Oh!
Look, what have we here?
307
00:17:59,840 --> 00:18:02,040
"It is a Coupon."
308
00:18:02,040 --> 00:18:07,120
Like so. And, oh! Do my eyes deceive me?
309
00:18:07,120 --> 00:18:10,680
No, they do not, it is a coupon.
310
00:18:10,680 --> 00:18:12,360
Like so.
311
00:18:12,360 --> 00:18:14,080
Your Majesty...
312
00:18:14,080 --> 00:18:16,760
Oh, good news for our household carpets.
313
00:18:16,760 --> 00:18:18,840
We have discovered a coupon.
314
00:18:18,840 --> 00:18:20,360
Like so.
315
00:18:20,360 --> 00:18:22,040
Oh! This is the only copy.
316
00:18:22,040 --> 00:18:25,160
And what is this? Is it a tiny mouse?
317
00:18:25,160 --> 00:18:28,320
No, it is a coupon. Oh!
318
00:18:28,320 --> 00:18:31,960
Like so. What do you
think this is before us?
319
00:18:31,960 --> 00:18:35,120
It is a coupon, like so...
320
00:18:35,120 --> 00:18:37,200
Oh...zis is my...only copy.
321
00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:42,560
Oh, look at the size of this, ma
cherie! It is a very large coupon.
322
00:18:46,240 --> 00:18:47,760
VACUUM CLEANER DROWNS OUT SPEECH
323
00:18:47,760 --> 00:18:51,320
Have you ever wondered why
you hardly see any... Hang on.
324
00:18:54,120 --> 00:18:55,280
LOUD DUBSTEP MUSIC
325
00:18:55,280 --> 00:18:56,720
Yeah, I...
326
00:18:57,800 --> 00:19:00,120
Bob... Bob!
327
00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:05,200
Bob!
328
00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:08,000
Oh, sorry!
329
00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:12,000
Thanks. Yeah, I've
had a bit of an accident.
330
00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:14,480
Just hoovering up my grandad's ashes.
331
00:19:14,480 --> 00:19:17,720
Kevin? Kevin?
332
00:19:17,720 --> 00:19:22,640
Have you seen my ashes?
My collection of different ashes?
333
00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:24,400
Oh, hello, Grandad.
334
00:19:24,400 --> 00:19:28,200
Um, no, no, no, I haven't seen
your collection of different ashes, no.
335
00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:32,160
You're acting very suspiciously,
Kevin. I'm not sure I believe you.
336
00:19:32,160 --> 00:19:34,000
If I find out that you've...
337
00:19:34,000 --> 00:19:39,160
Oooh, my! That's a
fancy-dan modern contraption.
338
00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:42,160
What is it? A compact disc?
339
00:19:42,160 --> 00:19:44,280
A moon rocket?
340
00:19:44,280 --> 00:19:47,280
Er, no, Grandad, it's a
bagless vacuum cleaner.
341
00:19:47,280 --> 00:19:48,720
Bagless?
342
00:19:50,360 --> 00:19:55,400
Bagless, you say? A bagless vacuum cleaner?
343
00:19:55,400 --> 00:19:59,320
Impossible! Dear, dear,
dear. The very idea!
344
00:20:00,880 --> 00:20:02,880
Bagless!
345
00:20:02,880 --> 00:20:08,040
Ooh, that was close. He's
right, though. How does it work?
346
00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:09,960
Got the manual here.
347
00:20:09,960 --> 00:20:12,520
Vortalex's bagless vacuum cleaner...
348
00:20:12,520 --> 00:20:14,320
< Bagless!
349
00:20:14,320 --> 00:20:17,560
...literally makes dust a thing of the past.
350
00:20:17,560 --> 00:20:22,320
Ha, they literally have no idea what
the word "literally" literally means!
351
00:20:26,160 --> 00:20:30,320
So how DOES it work, then?
352
00:20:33,120 --> 00:20:37,840
Poo-poo, Mr Jolif. More dust.
353
00:20:37,840 --> 00:20:42,480
Mr Pettigrew, this drawing
room is collar-deep in great smuts
354
00:20:42,480 --> 00:20:44,200
and mantle fluff.
355
00:20:44,200 --> 00:20:46,280
Where does it all come from?
356
00:20:46,280 --> 00:20:50,920
We must look to science to
determine its cause, Mr Jolif.
357
00:21:01,920 --> 00:21:06,520
If I'm not very much mistaken,
358
00:21:06,520 --> 00:21:10,000
these are particles of...
359
00:21:12,120 --> 00:21:13,160
...the future!
360
00:21:20,160 --> 00:21:23,200
Huh, guess we'll never know.
361
00:21:23,200 --> 00:21:24,400
< Bagless! Heh-heh!
362
00:21:29,000 --> 00:21:33,560
'Hello. And welcome to this
week's edition of Cavalcade.
363
00:21:33,560 --> 00:21:38,880
'Cavalcade was a children's programme
which ran on the BBC between 1953 and 1956.
364
00:21:38,880 --> 00:21:43,040
'Its presenters were Uncle Derek
Worthington and Auntie Buntie Jones
365
00:21:43,040 --> 00:21:46,480
'and they were firm favourites
with young and old alike.
366
00:21:46,480 --> 00:21:49,760
'Here we have a rare clip
from their 1954 Christmas Eve
367
00:21:49,760 --> 00:21:53,160
'show in which they're sharing some
friendly banter with special studio guest,
368
00:21:53,160 --> 00:21:56,920
'philosopher and
mathematician Bertrand Russell.'
369
00:21:56,920 --> 00:21:59,440
'Starting with premises,
370
00:21:59,440 --> 00:22:03,720
'which are universally
admitted to belong to logic.
371
00:22:03,720 --> 00:22:08,440
'We find mathematically of course
that there are merging parameters.
372
00:22:08,440 --> 00:22:10,400
'And now of course, Mr Russell,
373
00:22:10,400 --> 00:22:12,640
'that brings us on to deductive influence.'
374
00:22:12,640 --> 00:22:14,040
'Yes. But of course it's always,
375
00:22:14,040 --> 00:22:18,080
'it's always important to
distinguish deductive validity
376
00:22:18,080 --> 00:22:22,680
'and inductive validity, or cogency
as it is sometimes referred to...'
377
00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:30,000
Cavalcade, there. It was another age.
378
00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:33,720
Kids these days would find the
idea of formalising an axiomatic
379
00:22:33,720 --> 00:22:37,560
system in order to prove its
logical consistency laughably naive.
380
00:22:37,560 --> 00:22:39,720
WHOOSHING APPROACHES
381
00:22:41,040 --> 00:22:43,360
Tea-lady Flo here
382
00:22:43,360 --> 00:22:46,600
was different from most tea-ladies
in that she's a genuine tea-lady.
383
00:22:46,600 --> 00:22:50,480
And by that, I mean she organically
produces tea herself. Don't you, Flo?
384
00:22:50,480 --> 00:22:51,568
Yeah.
385
00:22:51,580 --> 00:22:54,880
So Flo, please could I have a delicious cup
of your delicious tea-lady tea, please, Flo?
386
00:22:54,880 --> 00:22:57,280
Yeah.
387
00:22:57,280 --> 00:23:02,920
So, what Flo is doing now
is she is expressing tea
388
00:23:02,920 --> 00:23:07,840
from one of her tea-lady tea glands.
389
00:23:07,840 --> 00:23:11,160
And now...
390
00:23:11,160 --> 00:23:16,640
Voila! A lovely fresh cup of tea-lady tea.
391
00:23:16,640 --> 00:23:18,280
Delicious.
392
00:23:18,280 --> 00:23:21,200
- Chocolate biscuit?
- No, thanks, Flo.
393
00:23:25,480 --> 00:23:27,880
The door is unlocked.
Please come in right
394
00:23:27,892 --> 00:23:30,360
away. Please hurry
up, I've not got all day.
395
00:23:32,920 --> 00:23:36,480
Good morning to you. Hello and how do? Now,
may I ask, what's the problem with you?
396
00:23:36,480 --> 00:23:37,800
You're not my usual doctor.
397
00:23:37,800 --> 00:23:41,240
He's absent, away, not at his station. He's
gone off to Cornwall to have a vacation.
398
00:23:41,240 --> 00:23:44,200
Yeah, what's all this
rhyming? I hate rhyming.
399
00:23:44,200 --> 00:23:45,840
Rhyming, I have to.
400
00:23:45,840 --> 00:23:48,760
Would be no use if I failed to do
rhymes when my name is Dr Seuss.
401
00:23:48,760 --> 00:23:53,280
Dr Seu... I've got this rash on my leg.
402
00:23:53,280 --> 00:23:55,840
Yes, I can see. There
are red spots on your leg.
403
00:23:55,840 --> 00:23:58,040
The reason must be that
you've eaten blue eggs.
404
00:23:58,040 --> 00:24:00,560
What on earth are you
talking...? And stop rhyming!
405
00:24:00,560 --> 00:24:02,520
Rhyming drives me mad!
406
00:24:02,520 --> 00:24:05,120
The blue eggs you've eaten
have turned your legs red.
407
00:24:05,120 --> 00:24:07,560
I prescribe the black milk
of the Dreklington Dread.
408
00:24:07,560 --> 00:24:09,040
I'm warning you!
409
00:24:09,040 --> 00:24:12,928
Dreklington Dread is a chicken with hair.
It looks like a dog, but smells like a bear.
410
00:24:12,940 --> 00:24:14,240
All right!
411
00:24:14,240 --> 00:24:16,920
You've leapt from your chair
and you're grasping my throat.
412
00:24:16,920 --> 00:24:19,068
I feel quite light-headed,
I'm starting to float.
413
00:24:19,080 --> 00:24:19,800
Stop it!
414
00:24:19,800 --> 00:24:21,848
Far from releasing,
you've tightened your grip,
415
00:24:21,860 --> 00:24:23,920
I feel that my life signs
are beginning to slip.
416
00:24:23,920 --> 00:24:25,400
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
417
00:24:25,400 --> 00:24:28,154
My eyes they are popping,
my tongue is unfurled,
418
00:24:28,166 --> 00:24:30,480
so this is the end.
Goodbye, cruel world.
419
00:24:31,960 --> 00:24:36,240
Oh, no, I've murdered a rhyming locum!
420
00:24:42,680 --> 00:24:44,400
Now that's a punchline!
421
00:24:44,400 --> 00:24:45,440
Thanks, Alison.
422
00:24:45,440 --> 00:24:48,160
SHE SCREECHES LIKE A PTERODACTYL
423
00:24:54,120 --> 00:24:58,320
So, yeah, as I was saying,
last show in the series.
424
00:24:58,320 --> 00:25:01,280
And sadly we've come to the
bit where I've got to wrap it all up.
425
00:25:01,280 --> 00:25:05,280
Bob here's going into
hibernation. Turn round, Bob.
426
00:25:05,280 --> 00:25:08,000
In case he wakes up and
goes off wandering, you know.
427
00:25:08,000 --> 00:25:09,520
In you get.
428
00:25:09,520 --> 00:25:12,240
- Righto.
- Oh, before you do, give me that.
429
00:25:12,240 --> 00:25:15,040
Some might construe this as a fire hazard.
430
00:25:15,040 --> 00:25:17,880
- Oh, yeah.
- Health and safety!
431
00:25:17,880 --> 00:25:19,400
Get yourself comfy.
432
00:25:19,400 --> 00:25:22,640
There's some tins of lager and
scotch eggs hidden in the hay,
433
00:25:22,640 --> 00:25:24,960
in case you get a bit peckish or thirsty.
434
00:25:24,960 --> 00:25:28,560
Oh, and I've got you a lovely
lullaby to help you get to sleep.
435
00:25:28,560 --> 00:25:32,840
So anyway, yeah. Thanks for watching.
436
00:25:32,840 --> 00:25:36,680
And to take us out now, one
of my favourite-ever folk groups,
437
00:25:36,680 --> 00:25:38,640
so proud to have them.
438
00:25:38,640 --> 00:25:42,080
The Threshers, and a
beautiful ballad called Eventide.
439
00:25:42,080 --> 00:25:46,400
FOLK MUSIC
440
00:25:52,480 --> 00:25:59,720
When dusk is come and day is done
441
00:25:59,720 --> 00:26:04,560
And all are homeward bound
442
00:26:04,560 --> 00:26:07,920
HE MIXES DUBSTEP OVER FOLK MUSIC
443
00:26:20,480 --> 00:26:26,920
Since then my heart soars high with them
444
00:26:26,920 --> 00:26:31,600
? To seek your lovely face... ?
445
00:26:33,280 --> 00:26:35,080
DUBSTEP DROWNS OUT FOLK MUSIC
446
00:26:43,040 --> 00:26:46,880
? Its cold embrace. ?
447
00:26:49,520 --> 00:26:51,360
MUSIC ENDS
448
00:26:54,560 --> 00:26:56,840
Ah, night-night.
449
00:27:03,120 --> 00:27:04,480
OPENS BEER
450
00:27:05,720 --> 00:27:07,520
HE SNORES
451
00:27:09,680 --> 00:27:12,360
And coming up next on BBC Two...
452
00:27:12,360 --> 00:27:15,000
A-a-and... (NASALLY)
...coming up next on BBC Two...
453
00:27:15,000 --> 00:27:17,800
And... (SMOOTHLY)
...coming up next on BBC Two...
454
00:27:17,800 --> 00:27:20,720
And coming up NEXT on BBC Two...
455
00:27:20,720 --> 00:27:23,880
("CLUB-STYLE") And
coming up next on BBC Two...
456
00:27:23,880 --> 00:27:27,560
(RASPING) And coming up next on BBC Two...
457
00:27:27,560 --> 00:27:30,800
(INCREASINGLY SILLY VOICE)
And coming up next on BBC Two...
458
00:27:30,800 --> 00:27:33,320
(JABBERING) And coming
up next on BBC Two...
459
00:27:33,320 --> 00:27:35,920
(IN BESTIAL VOICE) And
coming up next on BBC Two...
460
00:27:35,970 --> 00:27:40,520
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