All language subtitles for After.Porn.Ends.2012.1080p.WEBRip.x265-RARBG

(silence)

(toddler talk)

Uh, we don't get
TV in this house,

um, we all have
computers.

My daughter and my son
are three and two

and they each have
their own computers,

and they're lined up next
to mommy's computers,

and um, my little girl is
really really super smart.

She can use a
computer really well,

she surfs around this, online
and she uses photoshop

she uses word, I mean
she's only three years old

and she can read and
write and use a computer

just like an adult,
she's pretty amazing.

I didn't plan
to be a single mom.

I didn't plan to be stuck
in the middle of the desert

where I don't
know anybody,

it's just kind of all
been thrown for a loop.

(gun shots)

So at that point
I said we gotta arrest him,

so we arrested him, and he
cried like a baby, didn't he.

"I can't go back to jail!
Ahhhhhhhh!"

and he just
cried like a baby.

I said okay.

I gave him the opportunity
to make very small

reasonable payments, he didn't
make any of the payments,

I warned him if he didn't
make the payments

I was gonna come
and take his grandma's car.

That's what he forced us
to do, and the day that

I took this car his little
87-year-old grandma

or mother was out
there with her walker

watching us
take her car.

And it was one
of the hardest things

I've ever had to do
but you know what?

Business is
business.

(gun shot)

So. Now the clay is
pretty much conditioned,

it's ready
to be worked with.

We're gonna give
ourselves, a base,

and then uh, he will
be put into action.

I would see if he
can find a girlfriend.

Since he's gone throughout this
radical surgical procedure,

to have his penis
re-installed.

Imagine how happy he is
when he wakes up

and finds out,
he's got a dick again.

Wow, you know
that's a,

that's a big day
in the coyote's life.

Huh?!

And I knew that,
getting this opportunity to be

on a mainstream show,
I knew my whole life,

like, once I got out to LA,
once I could get on a

reality show, and get the
opportunity to show people,

like, about me, that that
would be the big thing

I need to move
forward mainstream.

I just need that one
opportunity to get there.

No! What happens is
it like, it like,

like, you're trying
to put it in it like bends.

And you, it's better
if it's like a solid one.

That's reality
right there.

No, I'm not kidding.

But, like, one like this, then
it doesn't, it goes faster.

(laughing)

And he comes from,
of course the uh,

story of the old testament,
the story of Josean.

Um, and this is kind of a
modern day adaptation of that.

(unintelligible
conversation)

That is amazing,

that is amazing and God
bless you and take care.

I'm definitely still
growing spiritually.

I don't think you
can ever quit growing.

There's always room
to get closer to God

and things to learn
about him and...

ways to change your
life and to improve.

It is a mess.

You're a mess.

It's a mess.

(laughing)

But that's the way
gnocchis are.

A little bit of a mess.

It's like, a guy told me once,
when he was painting.

Is that how you, how it was more
basic and then he went in.

Well it wasn't more basic,
it was just a painting I did

and then one day I took
it out and I just

started painting all this
other stuff in there

and just went in
with this reds and...

I don't, I don't remember
what it looked like before,

I can't remember,
I just, very hard to keep

a band together
and I only wanna play

with certain guys that
I really love playing with.

Cause it all
comes together,

it's like summer
theatre you know.

Wow!

I got a barn,
and I got to, I got to ,

I got the instruments,
we'll put our own show on!

You know
what I mean.

It all still has that,
that element.

This is uh, one
of the Chinatown series.

From my home town.
After the mill closed.

I mean,
pretty much closed.

What'd you get last year,

for your birthday,
from Aunt Lynny?

I think
a Power Ranger suit.

You got what?
No, you didn't!

You didn't get a Power Ranger
suit that was for Halloween.

You got an
electric guitar--

A 'lectric guitar--

A REAL electric guitar!

Why? Because you told
aunt Lynny you wanted

to grow up
to be a rockstar.

You know what, I just
see a beautiful girl

and I just
wanna hug her!

(laughing)

Well, I love this one right
here, so I telling you.

I currently reach out
to women and men

in the sex industry
and the porn industry

and I absolutely love
pulling them out of the pit

the porn industry pit.

It's 1800 square feet
and, the guest house is

around 600
square feet.

That little garage area,
I don't know.

Um, it took me about a year
to really get serious

about studying, and,
it took me three times

to pass the test
but I did it and,

(deep breath),
here I am.

(laughing)

Got into real-estate,

I've been in it
for five years.

Yup.

Dark and mild.

No, he likes
the dark heavy.

Dark heavy.

When I'm at home, I run
around with no makeup on,

a pair of sweatpants,
bare foot, a t-shirt,

and I'm usually out
in the yard digging.

Because I like
to plant things,

I like to grow things.
Or decorating my house.

I like to do crafty things,
like, you know, I don't,

I know I don't seem like
the domestic goddess!

But I, I, I like to make
things for the house

and I love to cook.
And, I'm a very good cook.

I had a little bit,
of, a, some bad terrible

terrible news,
uh, this April.

Um, I was diagnosed with uh,
stage three melanoma cancer.

So for the past
four or five months

I've been dealing
with that and on chemo.

They recommended complete
dissection of the lymph-nodes,

and then to be on
heavy-dose interferon,

which would be
uh, intravenous,

which I would get
five times a week,

for the first month,
and then after that,

three times a week,
for eleven months,

for the rest
of the year.

And um, it's,
it's been tough.

It's actually
great here, cause,

how many porno stars
live here? I know--

There's
some more uh,

there's some more
coming in uh, Sunset,

uh, Houston, uh, Taylor
Saint-Claire just moved here.

What, whatever
happened to uh,

she was really
hot, but I loved her.

What happened
to that um...

oh godammit, I don't
know their names

I'm really bad
with this, um--

You remember
their tits. Yeah.

Oh god, she was um, oh that
doesn't make any difference.

She was living here for
a long time she was so hot.

(unintelligible
conversation)

Oh yeah, she just
moved outta town,

yeah, she just
moved outta town.

And uh, that's the only thing
I missed out on in life.

I've done, pretty
much everything I wanted.

I did wanna have kids,
didn't have the opportunity

to meet the right woman
the right time,

so I do kinda
miss out on that,

but uh, nobody gets everything
there's other guys

that have great kids and they
love every minute of it

they kinda wish they
were me, fantasy wise,

but um, nobody
gets everything.

*

I started modeling
in ninth grade.

My mom put me
through modeling school,

I graduated
from modeling school,

started doing
beauty pageants,

and model searches,
and bikini contests.

So, I was exposed, to,
not so much the adult industry

but just knowing that I could
make money with my body.

I had a roommate
at the time,

um, that was a dancer,
and she knew an agent,

his name was
Jim Salf.

He said, "Hey, there's a
producer that saw your picture

and he'd like you
to come do a movie

how would you like
to do a movie?"

And I said, uh, well,
I've never done a movie before

but sure, I could
do it, no problem.

I went down and I had
braids like Bo Derek

at the time and,
did my first scene.

It was a three-way.

I had never even,
been with a woman,

I didn't know what
to do with a woman,

I had, no idea
what I was doing.

But the minute
those lights hit me,

I swear that was where
I was supposed to be.

Everyone said do
it, do it, do it.

And the more you do the
more money you can make

dancing on the dance circuit,
the more magazines you can do,

the more you're
exposed, you can,

I mean gosh,
I have a sex toy line,

now we wanna do
an action figure of you.

Okay!

I mean, all of it
was just like, cool!

You know,
sign me up! Sure!

I was just having a blast,
I mean, there were fans

lined up for miles and
miles and miles that flew,

I mean some people came
from Poland and Berlin,

and come to think of it
when I went to Poland,

to um, sign
autographs and whatever,

I mean, when I got off the
plane I needed a body guard!

I mean, for a porn star to be
that big, around the world,

I mean, it was un-believable,
I mean felt like a--

I was a true super star!

I mean people, were
knocking each other down.

Heeeere's Houston!!!!

(cheering)

Over the Dali Lama
in the newspaper,

I was the headliner.
I mean, that's unbelievable.

I was still under contract,
I was with Metro Productions

for a few years, and they're
the ones that also produced

uh, the Houston 500, the
world's biggest gang-bang.

Um, at that point when I
first signed with Metro,

it was already known going in
that I was gonna takeover,

uh, Jasmine Saint-Clair's
title and do this gang-bang.

So, going into my
contract with Metro,

I already knew that I
was gonna be doing that,

so, I wasn't, I wasn't
looking for things to,

oh I've gotta be
more crazy and wild,

you know honestly it just
all came to me naturally.

Like, I mean,
I had a labiaplasty,

and that was before a
lot of women even knew

that they can get
their labia trimmed

if you have larger labia
lips and you know,

when I did that it was like,
oh, it was just a no brainer

I'm gonna encase that in
lucite and auction it.

The trimmings.

I mean, it's just
things just came to me,

I was just a
publicity whore.

I was good at it.

I had invested my
money, uh, I bought a home,

as well as, um, put a lot
of money in mutual funds,

and many years ago when
the stock market went kaput,

I lost, like,
almost all my savings.

And that hurt me.

Um, but I did still have my
house that I owned in LA,

um, and then when things got
rough of course I sold it,

not for financial reasons
but when I wanted

to get out
of the industry.

I'm professor of
communications studies

and psychology at UCLA.

I study a variety of topics,
but one of the major areas

that I study is
pornography.

I'm Faith, and since 1984
I've done about 600 films.

About a thousand
scenes, give or take.

Um, I've won several
dozen awards for acting

in sex performances and fan
favorite and this and that.

I think it might be up, this
year for best non-sex role

cause I've also moved into the
occasional character part

that doesn't involve
having sex.

I write about the sex
industry pretty much

from the fall of 1995
until the fall of 2007.

"The History of X: One
Hundred Years of Sex in Film"

is the name
of my first book.

I've been in the adult
entertainment industry

for basically 35, 36
years, in every capacity.

I started as a
writer, became an actor,

director, agent, and now
I'm sorta the, papa bear

to the adult entertainment
industry, protecting

adult welfare, which I run,
and, watch over the overaged

juvenile delinquents
and what I refer to as

the playpen of the damned,
which is the X-rated industry.

What we give them in the
adult entertainment industry

for a brief shiny
moment is immortality,

validation, and credibility.

Every one of us, no
matter how insignificant

we may think we are,
wants to be recognized

at one time or another
in our lives,

and when you went to those
conventions they lined up

at your booth like they
were getting signatures

from professional
athletes.

My parents divorced.
My dad took us far away

from our mother, and
ran away with us.

He became
an alcoholic.

Then I moved in
with my mom

and the family
relationship changed, um,

I felt kind of lost.

I worked a regular
job, um, in an office,

for five years, but while
I was doing those things

I also found um,
a modeling website

and I put my pictures
on the website,

and then um, you know, I was
still working in the office

but people were emailing
me about doing shoots.

And I thought it
would be cool to do,

like, bikini stuff, or,
even though I never really

even walked around in bikinis
I thought it would be,

kind of neat.

So, eventually, I did
take a job, um doing,

um, you know they
were only asking me

to do nudes and eventually
I just did it.

I went to my first
shoot, in like a hotel room,

and um, it was just
supposed to be topless,

and it, was, it
was really scary.

Um--

It was weird.

Well ever since I, since
I got into the business,

I always got emails,
that said that you,

you don't look
quite comfortable,

and I think that it
was the innocence,

that, attracted my,
a lot of my fans,

is that I didn't look totally
comfortable in anything I did,

and even if I was
speaking I didn't look

totally comfortable and I
never looked confident,

I wasn't very verbal,
I wasn't, you know,

over the top with the
noises or anything, um.

I dunno, I just started feeling,
really depressed about it.

Honestly.

And, then I hit
rock bottom myself,

emotionally, where I
um, got really upset

and I'd go in the bathroom
and I threw a glass

on the ground and then
I um, just crying

and fall to the ground
and just started like,

pounding my wrists into
the glass, and blood was,

just started going
everywhere, and...

I dunno, I just
kinda lost that hope.

I did have a stalker,
um, he started off

just sending me
hate-mail.

He's an atheist, so
he was pretty much,

putting down
what I believe in

and trying to get
me to debate him.

He, heh, became
obsessed with me

and developed like
this, crush on me.

And then I told him
we would never date,

I don't know you I
don't know where you live,

you're too young,
blah blah blah.

And um, he flipped out.

(nervous laughing)

The thing that pushed me
to the edge

was he said he was
gonna, um, he wanted

to bash my head
into the concrete

until my brains
spilled out.

And then kill my cat
and stuff like that.

A few fans had emailed
me the last year or so

and said they were
praying for me

and that they were not
looking at porn anymore,

and, you know, and then I
had this other guy saying

you need to put a
warning on your website

because kids
can see this

my fourteen-year-old son
found this, and then--

Just all kinds of
people were like,

sending me these emails,
random emails and--

You know it uh, and
of course I would,

I was always
kind of sympathetic

to whatever they said
but, um, there was some,

you know I was still
kind of hardened too,

at the same time,
because I was like well,

I can't do anything else,
this is what I'm good at.

This is all that,
I know.

And, I kind of
believed it at the time.

I didn't have
anybody you know,

saying, you're
better than that.

So, um...
(nervous laughing)

Some adult stars do
"find god" and leave,

but those are
people who needed,

who needed to be gone
anyway, and did not have

the personal strength to
do it and so they do

look outside for something
to help them leave.

Um, there are plenty of
people in the business

who really shouldn't be
here, because they have

conflict about-- if
I was-, if I'd been raised

to be ashamed of my
body, and to feel bad

about men and their and
the horrible desires,

but, did porn for other reasons
eventually those two things

are gonna co-, wheels are
gonna come off the bus.

I can only deny it so
long, people try to deny,

they stuff their
feelings with, with drugs,

and alcohol, or whatever it is
they stuff their feelings with

and after a six months,
one year, five year,

ten years, whatever it
finally goes you know what?

I can't do this anymore.

Because for religion and
especially western religion,

especially Christianity
says I love you,

I forgive you, you
can come home now.

And I will not push you out.

And so that is incredibly
powerful and incredibly potent

to have someone finally
say I don't shame you.

I love you.

You're welcome here.

Sign me up!

When you're involved
in this industry

you lose your humanity.

You're no longer treated
as a human being

by eighty percent of
people out there.

You're now, now scum.

Like they maybe wanna, do
certain things with you.

But then, you're still scum.

And, like if, they may
be thrilled to have

a roll in the sac with
you but when they leave,

when you leave they're
gonna wanna burn the sheets.

Uh, ah, I got into
porn by accident.

It wasn't something
I planned on doing,

uh, probably mighta been
the, the least likely thing

I thought I woulda done.

I was singing in
bands after I,

a baseball thing
didn't work out,

uh, I knew I could sing so I
started singing in rock bands.

And of course like all
struggling musicians

you gotta make a little
extra dough on the side.

It actually, my, my first naked
job I was a nude art model

for like you know college art
classes and stuff like that.

And I was really kinda shy
but not about my body

just about talking I was
kinda shy about talking.

but yeah I'd get naked
in front of people

so I did that and a couple
girls in one of the classes

asked to take some pictures
of me and they did and--

They came out pretty good and
they said can we send them

to some magazines I said I
don't care do what you want.

And they sent'em out and
and next thing I know

I got a letter from Playgirl,
and, but High Society

said they like to do a boy/girl
thing but I said alright.

So it was the first
thing I ever did.

And they had a woman
editor and at the end

of the shoot she goes
you know uh,

I noticed you were taking care
of business pretty good,

did you ever think about
doing a porn movie

cause I got
some connections.

And I go, I never really
thought about it, no.

She goes well you know, I think,
I can get you 250 bucks.

Like, 250 bucks man!

1978 that was
some good cash,

that's what I
was making a week!

So I said uh, alright
I'll try it, you know.

So I did it and uh,
guess I was good at it

cause they kept
calling me back.

And uh, that's kinda
how it got started.

I, I used to say it's like
borrowing somebody's body

to masturbate with.

Uh, excuse me, if you're
not busy do you mind

if I jerk off in your
pussy with my dick?

Uh, it's kinda like
that, which it's not bad,

I mean you know, better
than real jerkin' off, but--

When I first started
producing up-and-comers

I get this letter in the
mail and I open it up

and I see this unbelievably,
good-looking,

very young
looking blonde girl,

with beautiful
natural boobs,

little baby face, and
she wants to know

if I can help her get
in the porn biz.

Girl's name was
Jenna Jameson.

I remember saying this
I mean holy christ

if I get this girl
to shoot for me

we're gonna sell
some tapes.

I said well if you don't
wanna do guys you know

I'll let you pick
whatever girl you want

if you wanna do that.
And she liked girls.

so she picked this girl that I
happened to be working with

that day who was doing her
first movie, Kylie Ireland,

so Kylie and Jenna were
doing their thing together

and uh, everything was
going good, and they took

a little break and while
they were lying there I--

I think I said something like,

man Jenna that's a tasty
looking pussy you got.

And I believe she said well
why don't you come in

and taste it.

I went--

Okay, I was doing the
camera but I handed it

to my assistant, Bob hold
onto this, start shooting.

So I get in there and I
start going down on her

and she starts squealing that
little squeal that she had

and um, I'm guessing she's
kinda liking it you know,

and seemed like she was getting
off and everything's good

and I said man, I am
so fuckin' horny now.

I said would you
guys mind maybe like,

giving me a double
blowjob or something?

And they said sure, we can
do that, and I'm like--

Thank you, thank you!

And they did and it went
well and a week later

she kinda called me back
and said you know what

you weren't so bad I think
I could probably do

a boy girl thing with
you and the rest is

kinda history after that.

Getting "It's a Daddy
Thing" number three!

Old man, can
make a comeback!

Yeah!

So there baby,
no viagra yet!

Um, and it, you know,
it's cool you do your thing,

you go home, you came,
you relax you know but,

I'm kind of an
affectionate kinda guy,

and so I kinda miss that
part of it and that's why

I still like having
a relationship,

when it happens, you know.

And uh, you know for example
eh, Tera Patrick man,

not only was
she incredible in bed

but there was just,
I just liked her.

And, that that, sense of
humor and the craziness,

a little bit
different, you know.

So, I hadn't dated anybody
in so long when I met her

I forgot how
to do it, and uh,

I did ask her out
to dinner twice,

and we went out to dinner
and we had a good time

but I dropped her off at her
place without asking her

if I could, come in.

And I don't know
eh, I might have,

she mighta
thought I was weird.

I already had sex with her a
couple of times, on camera,

and she mighta thought
it was weird that

I didn't wanna come up
and finish the date,

but I was kinda showing her
that I wasn't just there

for the sex, and, maybe
it wasn't a good move

cause you leave a
beautiful woman like that

alone for too long and somebody
else is gonna come along

and somebody else
did come along and,

that was that.

She made it today,
this is Tera Patrick.

Hello.

And uh, Tera is reasonably
known in the business

and hasn't even
worked that often.

Apparently.

Um.

I was just trying to
pace myself right now.

One of my all
time favorites.

Most of the people who seek
it out don't have means

of making that kind of
money by other means.

I mean very few
women say hmm,

I'm going to become a
surgeon or I'm going

to become
a pornography star.

This country does
not raise people

with a very good work ethic.

They don't know how
to do anything else.

They don't know
how to do retail,

they don't know how to
do Excel spreadsheets.

Many people who make their
way to adult entertainment,

like rock-and-roll, are not
suited for nine-to-five work.

I, ran away from
home at sixteen

and was living on the
streets at seventeen.

Uh, everything I owned
was in two garbage bags.

Um, my parents were saying I
hope you just kill yourself

and make life a lot
easier for the rest of us.

Uh, it was just on and on
and on so there I was

out on the streets and
then, when I got taken in

with a foster family,
um, I made sure that

I kept finishing school
with good grades

because that was gonna
be my future that

was gonna be my ticket
outta there and then

when I went to college on
full academic scholarship

I never actually
went to classes.

I said okay I've got
free room and board,

I need to make money.

I need to get some sort of
security and stability

in my life so I don't have
to turn tricks

to get food to eat.

So I took up stripping, I went
to all the local strip bars,

and from there I started doing
magazines in New York City.

I would take a train
to New York CIty

on weekends
and do magazines.

And then, uh, a photographer
said he knew a director

in California named Bud
Lee who could direct me

in some movies if I
wanted to do that.

So um, I packed up my
suitcase and a teddy bear

and went out to LA.

Made a movie for Bud Lee,
married him, didn't come back.

The reason that I
wanted to do porn,

even though I was so smart,
Miss MENSA and all that is

uh, it's precisely because I
wanted to stop being known

as the nerd the geek the,
the one that you come over

and you be nice to me
just so you can copy off

of my tests, you know.

(laughing)

I would hang out with some
of my misfit friends

and they had, they
had adult magazines

hidden under their bed and
they would look at them

and I would be peeking
over their shoulder going

I wish someone would
look at me like that.

And that was just like
my wildest fantasy that

someone would think
that I was pretty

and sexy and, woo!

All my life I'd just
been the nerd and the geek.

So it was like a fantasy
come true for me that

someone wanted to see me
on the cover of a magazine.

When I got to porn it was
like wait, I get to pick

which one of these good-looking
guys I wanna sleep with?

And uh, you're gonna
pay me for it

and then you're gonna
put me on a box cover

and give me tons of money?

(laughing)

It was just uh, a
really big step up

from where
I was coming from.

Porn wasn't all that much
of a mental challenge

for me shall we say,
um, standing there

and saying my silly lines
just, it didn't take up

a whole lot of my
day so meanwhile

you got a lot of
time to sit around

and wait so uh, I just
kept myself busy

by learning every
single job on the set.

Um, I (laughing)
I would get

the grips to take me
down to the grip truck

and show me the names
of everything on there

and teach me how to do
everything by showing up

with my little grip belt and
my shorts and my gloves

and no shirt on.

(laughing)

and I would ask very nicely
if they would teach me

their job and they did,
and uh,

much the same way I
learned editing,

directing,
producing, scriptwriting,

um, every job on
the set I've gotten.

If you look on IMDB my name has
got all credits next to it

I did everything.

I even designed
my own box covers.

Um, what made me different was
I was the first half-asian

to become an A-list
star in the business.

Um, before I'd started
there was the white girls

and the black girls
and the asian girls

and each had their
own separate genre,

and, they didn't mix,
you, you don't put

an asian girl in a
white girl movie.

(laughing)

It's just
the way it was.

And then when I came in
and I was only half-asian

the features were soft enough
that they could still

put me on a cover and I could
still be a white girl,

or and asian girl, they
could play me either way.

Or they could play me
as an Indian or a Gypsy,

or, Greek girl!

They gave me all
the different roles.

So they just, they
wound up using

my look
as very versatile.

And so I became the
first "cross-over" star

from a minority, and then uh,
I guess they did pretty well

with me cause after I left
Vivid they got Koby Tie,

who was full asian, so,
I kinda opened the door

for the minorities to
become A-listers.

I, I hated doing
live appearance.

Oh I'm getting sweaty just
looking at this picture.

(laughing) Yeah.

I spent like all year
long dreading the CES Show.

I would just have to
keep telling myself

they're more scared
than you are,

they're more scared
than you are.

Cause I'd smile and I'd say
"So what's your name?"

and they'd go--
(laughing)

they'd just look at me.
Okay what's your name?!

If you see my very first
interviews from when

I was nineteen,
twenty years old,

I said I'm gonna retire
when I'm thirty.

And people would
laugh and say

oh you've got it
all planned out.

There really wasn't
any question about it.

I had, gotten married,
and, then divorced.

And I met someone who
had adult bookstores.

So I basically got
my introduction

to the adult entertainment
world through working

in adult bookstores,
and then consequently

owning adult bookstores
and I saw the women

that were doing movies at
the time and, I was just,

amazed, because, they had
pimples on their rear-ends,

they had on no makeup,
their feet were dirty,

their hair was dirty,
and I thought my god,

this is not a really good
representation of women.

I wanna do that.

I mean I had done, um, a
few magazines and a few uh,

like, 8 mm loops, and
then I came to California,

and I picked up one of
the free papers and,

there was an ad.

My family was very, very
okay with what I did

because I did tell them
what I was about to do

before I actually
did anything.

I mean I'd done a
couple of photo shoots,

and decided that I needed
to tell my family

before it got out there
because I didn't want

them finding out
from someone else.

And they're like
well do, you think

you can make money at it?

You think you can have a good
career and be happy doing this?

And I said yes I do, and
they said good, go do it.

We had a very small
community of people,

of players, that
we all worked with.

And we all worked with
each other quite a bit.

So the community was
small, we were familiar

with one another,
and, we actu--

it's like when you, have
a, a new boyfriend

or new girlfriend or a
new husband or wife,

it takes a little while
before you know what

pushes their buttons,
what turns them on

what makes them feel
good, and then it starts

to become very intimate,
and, you can actually,

have an intimate
relationship with the person

you're working
with on screen,

and be fond of them
after the movie is over.

Um, but they're just
generally sweet nice people.

I was being
offered parts in movies,

in, or photo shoots
or what have you,

and they didn't want to pay
me the amount of money

I wanted, and I said no.
I just, I held out.

So, um, and subsequently
I started stripping,

going across the, basically
across the world stripping.

And uh, doing photo shoots with
Club Magazine predominantly.

And um, so they
didn't see me in front,

people didn't see me in
front of the camera

so they thought okay,
she's retired.

I've been retired and
come back so many times

I can't keep track anymore.

I've also been
dead a few times.

I saw an add in the paper it
said "Nude fun, big bucks."

and uh, it was an audition
for an X-rated movie.

Two days later I get a
call from the producer,

they wanna give me a
part in the movie.

I hadn't planned on that.

At the time, I had applied
to the Hebrew Union Seminary

in Cincinnati, where
they uh, train people

to become Rabbis.

So I'm trying to
measure, do I wanna do this,

or do I wanna be in a porn
movie because it seems

if I take the part in
the porn movie I maybe,

um, cutting some of my options
off, for future life.

And the uh, seminary in
Cincinnati said we'll take you

but the first two years you
have to go to Jerusalem

and study Aramaic, which,
I would rather go

to Cleveland and study
their sewer system.

Um,
no interest there.

So I decided I would
make the porn movie.

And, in any case the kind
of Rabbi I would become,

would be the kind that
could've made a porn movie.

And uh, I went
ahead and did the job.

I think I had to become
a sex star just

to come back to normal!

Cause I'd been so humiliated
by being the fat kid!

I had the largest breasts
in the seventh grade!

The guys would
make fun of me

and point at me
and tease me!

Do you know how
deep those scars go?!

That's ugly shit!

Those are the people
that become centerfolds!

Cause they got
something to prove.

I was lucky enough to uh, be
in the era when they were

actually trying to make
movies where you needed

to remember lines.

And I had the,
I was good at that.

So, I got hired for
my acting ability,

which being a
good actor in porn,

is like being the wisest man
in the kingdom of the fools.

He promised that I
could fuck you next.

He what?!

Gah!

Ow!

(screaming)

Let him alone!

I said let him alone!

(shrieking)

Ow!
Ah, oh uh!

Get the fuck
outta here!

My ankle!
Ow, my ankle!

I was terrible
at the sex.

Just rotten!

I was just so
traumatized by it.

But I eventually did learn
how to have sex on camera.

I was on the beach in San Diego
and uh, I was by myself.

and I'm sitting there,
and I notice there's a,

really beautiful woman,
laying on a towel and so

my gaze drifts over to her and
her boyfriend looks at me

and sees her--
and I look away.

And then eventually I'd
drift back and I'm looking

at her again and the
boyfriend sees me looking

at her again
and I'm like shit.

Well the guy gets up,
and he starts walkin'

over towards me and I'm
going Oh no! Here we go.

You know, this is
gonna get ugly.

And he gets
close to me and I,

I'm just clenching my
fist ready to defend myself.

The guy's a monster,
I'm gonna get killed,

I know it, and he
leans in and he says

"Were you in Insatiable?"

(laughing)
And I went YES! YES!

I was so happy that's what
it was, he recognized me

from the movie business
and he wasn't gonna

kick my ass it was
a true delight.

A true delight.

We became
friends at that point.

I hadn't told my parents
that I was doing this.

I told them I had, was
doing commercials

and low-budget nothing,
and, well, that I,

I knew that they
weren't gonna be.

I didn't suspect they
would be very approving

of this kinda stuff.

I made the original
call prepared

to become the black
sheep of the family.

It didn't happen.

I'm sure they were
less than thrilled.

When my mother would be
at the grocery store

the next day and they say

"Good to see you,
how you doing?

What's going on?"

"Well! My son the doctor's

coming back from Israel,
and my other son,

he makes shmackle
movies in California!"

Well I think people may
have a negative reaction

to someone who's a porn star
for a combination of reasons.

One is, somebody who seems
to indiscriminately

be willing to sleep
with anyone,

whether it's on
film or not, is,

no matter what people
say, still not somebody

who's particularly
admired and,

again may pose a threat
to many relationships.

It is legal work,
but it's fucking.

With pictures.

People say "you should,
should go into politics"

There's too many pictures
with dicks in my ass,

it's like, it's not
going to happen.

It happened
by happenstance.

I came up with some friends
and I went to a club

called The Rainbow, and, I
met there Althea Flint,

the wife of Larry Flint,
and a photographer that

she had in tow, and they
approached me and invited me

to their table, and asked me
if I wanted to go to a club

and have some drinks
and I did.

And she was, doing an
interview for Sting,

and we were up there looking
to meet some rockstars,

you know, we
were just girls.

Doing our thing.

And she took us in her limo,
she had this black limo that

had this Think Pink on
the license plate and this,

I think it was a naked
lady on the side of it.

And I was so
impressed by that.

She said what do you do
and I said I'm a model

and she said Wow!

I sh-- you know, I, I
own Hustler Magazine

and we're gonna put
you in Hustler.

So, that was that!

Um, I went into Hustler and
um, started doing magazines.

My brother found out and, he
had tried to talk me into it

many times, because everybody
always said Hey Buck!

Can you get your sister
to do a movie oh my god!

And, um, you know, we
never worked together,

on set, but, we always
championed each other's careers.

And so my brother said to me,
um, I want you to do a movie.

And he set it up
with Sin City,

it was actually done for
Sin City and it was called

Babewatch, and it was for my
brother's Babewatch series,

cause he said if you're
gonna do movies for anybody,

you have to do, you have
to do one for me, sis,

so I said okay I will.

And the sex was
real, you know,

you'd say, how do
you want the blow-job?

And he'd say, how do
you like the blowjob?

And that would be
it, you know and that,

we would build off
of that.

You know, I was
the kinda person,

it, I lived a
life of excess,

and people would
invite me to parties,

and they would think Wow!

if I offer her some
party tools, then,

I'm gonna have
my night set up,

I'm gonna wind up
getting laid all night

by this beautiful
porn star.

And then as my addiction
went through another door,

they'd hand me the bag
of coke and I'd wind up

in the bathroom all
night, you know,

and you wouldn't be able to
drag me out of the bathroom

and I'd be like
don't touch me!

and oh!

And all of my life
started to kind of spiral.

I wound up getting arrested,
um, on the highway,

and the police knew
exactly who I was,

when I got arrested,
and, they wanted

to make an example of me
with the court system.

They knew that I
was, you know,

a big porn star, and
um, the gig was up.

And I had to face it.

And it was the greatest
thing that ever happened

to me when I look back
on it now because,

it really brought
me into reality.

For the women, they're
much more damned by society

because no matter how
sanctified they are,

they're still
considered to be whores,

and it's getting worse
and worse and worse

because a lot of them
have turned to,

what I am vehemently
opposed to,

the escort services, to
further their career.

In many ways, it has a
dehumanizing quality,

because what you're
responding to are a set of,

physical cues.

You are
responding to the body,

and you're responding to
the sexual acts per say

in a way that is
quite animalistic.

And, having a more full
depiction of the person

may even detract from the
ability to use it purely

as masturbatory or other
kind of sexual stimulation.

You can take
every other category,

every other idea,
every other thought.

Basically happiness and success
in life all boils down

to what are the quality of
your bonds with other people.

Having anything to do with
the adult industry hacks

away those bonds, so you're
isolated, alienated,

um, pushed away
to the margins,

and not treated
as a human being.

That's a recipe for disaster,
for me and for anyone else.

Um, when I was in college a
couple of us on the dance team

worked at Hooters so I
was working at Hooters,

I love doing that, a lot
of the girls at Hooters

were telling me how I would
make a lot of money stripping

and then I had a boyfriend
in college who brought me,

I went with him and his friends
to a strip club one night

because they always used to
go watch amateur night.

He's like I
think you could win,

I think you could beat these
girls at amateur night

so I entered and I won, I got
first place out of twelve girls

in the amateur contest,
and I got $500.

So I was like this is a really
cool job I get to drink,

and dance
and make money.

This is way better than
anything else I can imagine.

When I was twenty-one
I used to watch a lot

of those cinemaX movies
and so I went to uh,

Blockbuster and I got
the address off the box

of a cinemaX movie and I
mailed some Polaroids

of myself and a a few
headshots I had taken,

um, like, and just
pictures and I mailed it

and I wrote this letter about
how I think I'd really like

to be in the movies.

And I heard nothing and
then three months later

I actually got a
call from Playboy.

Coming to this industry I
pretty much came into it

thinking okay I'm going
to somehow be one

of the most well-known
pornstars of all time.

I wouldn't wanna come into
it and just be another girl

that was around
for two years

and then have to go be
a hooker. You know.

After I did the Hus-
the Playboy thing,

um, I shot for Hustler, the
next month I came out to LA,

um, within three weeks
after shooting for Hustler,

um, his wife and his
dau- uh his sister,

or, his daughter, told me
how much they loved me

and they ended up taking me on
the Larry Flint Freedom Tour.

They chose four girls
to go with Larry Flint

to like different Hustler
stores on the freedom tour

and they chose me and
then Hustler had me,

my very first day
being on the show um,

a Hustler chose me to
sign at their booth,

cause they don't have
contract girls they pick girls.

And then a month later there
was a Magic Convention

which is a clothing convention
and Hustler was launching

their clothing and
Hustler had chosen me

to be the model of their
clothing and they made,

you know, pictures
of me modeling it.

So I really didn't
think about life after porn

because I just
couldn't believe how like,

all these things
kept happening.

I mean just the things that
happened to me as a new girl

in porn don't happen to
most new girls I mean,

I met Larry Flint um,

pretty much my second
month in the business.

So I didn't think
about life after.

I just said--
I just always said

I'm gonna get married
and have kids.

I used to say
by twenty-seven.

Now I say I wanna get
married by thirty

and have kids
by thirty-two.

When I was married
I only did girl-girl.

I left my husband
and did boy-girl.

Um, when I got back with
my husband at kickass

I only did girl-girl
again, we split up,

I did boy-girl, heh!

Then I took like a hiatus
for about six-seven months

and didn't shoot anything.

And that's when
I met this guy,

um, who's my, ended up
becoming my fiance,

but we were dating, and
I didn't do boy-girl

when I was with him for
the first six months,

and then he was like, don't
you think you should go

get a new porn contract
because that's extra income

we can have every month.

And I was like well,
you want me to have sex

with other guys?

And he was like well, it's
only six times a year

you're gonna do it, and
it's with a condom.

I was like okay.

Then of course, like, two
days before the movie

my ex was like, I don't want you
having sex with other guys.

Arrrrg! Arr!

Let go of me!

Your derrière may be pretty,
but that don't mean

it's bull-worked from a
promiscuous lashing.

SLAP!

Ow!

*

Every two-and-a-half
months I'd have to shoot

a boy-girl scene and er-
usually about two days before

he would start being
really mean to me,

and calling me names, even
though he was the one

who wanted me
to do the movies.

Then, on the day when I'd
go to shoot the movie

he'd go out with his friends
and get really drunk,

then he usually would not
kiss me or anything

for two days later, then
when my check would come in

he's like that's my check, I let
you have sex with other people.

And then when I would
be asleep sometimes,

I'd be asleep and I'd
hear him watching my movies.

He'd go and put
it in like slow motion

and make sure the
guy wore a condom

and I wasn't
lying about it.

Um, let's see.

The most I ever made in a
month was probably when

I was running for governor
because my website

was making around
twenty-thousand a month

and then my online store
selling t-shirts and buttons

made about ten-fifteen
thousand a month,

and, I felt really bad
cause I didn't have time

to mail'em all out
so I just ended up

not mailing people
their orders.

I feel really
bad about that.

Um, and then my contract
was six thousand a month

and I was feature
dancing, at that time

feature dancing used
to pay a lot more.

That was like, six thousand
for like, three weeks.

I dunno how much that is,

maybe like 50, 60
thousand in a month.

That's probably the most.

And then I won a game
show around that same time.

I won a game show Who Wants to
be Governor of California?

I won another
twenty-one thousand.

Um, that was great.

Um, I guess the most in
the year would probably

be around 300 thousand.

I mean I don't think I
thought I was set for life

I always used to joke
with everyone that um,

I'm either going to, just
make a lot of money

or I might worst case scenario
I'll marry a rich person.

That's what I always said.

(nervous chuckling)

No one comes
into this business

to wanna be normal on
the back end of it.

Nobody thinks
that it's gonna end.

You jump on a merry-go-round
you hope the ride never ends.

I don't think many of them
can spell the word future.

I don't think they did this
as a short term investment

in their own future,
but they burned out.

Hookers are hookers.

I mean hookers are people who
are looking for a quick buck

with the least amount of
effort so they turn tricks.

And, uh, being a
porn star is just like,

uh, you know the, the
world's oldest profession

so, it's, it's not
that complicated,

uh, reality is hard.

A lot of people blame, blame the
industry for their problems

but, uh, then they get out
in the real world and find,

lots of problems
in the real world too.

I grew up in Pensilvania, um,
in the steel-mill towns.

Worked in the
steel-mills, I drove cabs,

it was sorta typical
things, uh, people do.

There I did some
illustrations for magazines,

in New York and eventually,
started playing uh, music.

Did that for a while.

And then I came
out to California

and end up getting
into dirty movies.

(laughing) Just
met some people.

Actually I was gonna do
a uh, a photo spread,

I was gonna do some
photography of some girls

who were in the business.

I had an idea I would do
a photo shoot of them

and then
a little interview.

And, some people I knew from
illustrating magazines

in New York said yeah, we'll
see what you come up with,

if it's good we'll pay you
and everything so I met the--

these two girls, and,
before I knew it, uh,

I was, in the
movies! (laughing)

So that's sorta
how that started.

But you know when I
was working it was,

it wasn't like it
is today, it was,

I'd maybe work forty days
a year and maybe fifteen

to twenty days
were sex days.

And today they work
every day of the week.

Maybe twice a day.

You know, viagra shootin' up
their cocks and stuff like that

I mean it's just they're
ruining their sex life

for the rest of their
lives, I'm telling ya!

I just think there's
too much going on,

I mean just your
personal appetite of it.

I mean, if you're
working as a performer

and you're working that much I
mean, sex loses it's mystery

in it's sense and it's, I mean
I remember being turned on

to a point some times,
certain situations

where I would
actually shake.

I mean I'm sure everybody's
been in that situation

and now that, I hate
to see that go away.

I remember one time my dad
picked me up from the airport,

and I was coming in for the
holidays and he's, and he-

I had, my pictures were
in Hustler magazine eh,

they were on, about a movie
and, and I think I was

(laughing) I was giving
some girl head!

And my father says, "I saw
that picture in Hustler."

I said uh, yeah, picture, that,
wasn't so good of a picture.

And that's all was
said! (laughing)

They never wa--
It was not something

I wanted to expose them
to because it wa--

you know it it, it's
embarrassing for them.

We were so proud of what we
did in some of these movies

we did that were-- that were,
that got really big play,

that I actually took
her to screenings.

We had these screenings
in these theaters.

And I'm taking my wife
there watching me have sex

with these people.
And, she was,

it was difficult for her
but, she appreciated

the work we were doing, but
after one or two times

it was like-- or we
did that, I said

hey we don't
do this no more!

She didn't wanna see any
pictures of me or anything.

Although she understood
what I was doing and knew

it was the thing that was
not gonna be, a situation.

Can I ask you something?

Those cops, they're
hung pretty good, huh?

Bet they ain't
got what I got.

Nobody's got
what I got.

So, yeah, I'd like
to retire and paint.

If I had a game plan.

I saved some money
but I wasn't that good.

No...

I didn't make that
much money though.

Come on,
what'd I make?

I mean I, didn't
work that much.

You talking about
when you were acting?

Save money when
he was acting?!

He just didn't
have any bills.

I didn't have any bills.
See I told you

I didn't have
any bills--

And then he got me!
Ha ha--

Then she showed up!

I'm a high
maintenance, baby.

Then she showed up...

Even if it's not particularly
glamourous that day,

you go to work and
you get fussed over,

and if it's a big enough
production there's

a makeup artist there, and
there's, and there's attention,

for people who like
attention, um,

and then they get paid!
The very same day!

Woohoo!

Now, my great friend
Lee Carol once said

as long as you got a cunt,
you'll never starve.

But, as a danger to that,
because, it wears on your mind.

My parents didn't take, really
an interest in my life

and I was also sexually
abused at nine-years-old.

I had a teenaged boy and his
sister who was my classmate

introduce me to
sexuality and uh,

for the first time in my
life and it horrified me.

Yeah, as soon as I
barely graduated high school,

which, I had to
cheat my way through,

my dad ended up coming
to me and saying listen,

you're outta the house, and
literally kicked me out

on the street with
no food, no money.

And so I'm literally
sitting out on the curb,

on Sherman Way, that big
tough rebellious teenager

was balling her eyes out.

And all of a sudden, this
um, beautiful black man

came over to me and
says, are you alright?

What's wrong, why are
you crying sweetheart?

"I have no money
and I have no food

and my dad kicked me out."

He put his arm around me
and I- I still to this day

can tell you what that
embrace felt like,

and he just said
baby I can help you

and I thought Jesus has
come to rescue me.

You know I really thought
he was gonna help me.

And he said there's a man
in the apartment complex

who would love to
make love to you.

He lured me in.

I went--
You mean have sex?!

He goes yes, but
he's really gentle,

really nice,
and you'll get $35.

So, here I am
a single mother,

I've done
prostitution and stripping,

now for six
years I've had, uh,

I've been at gunpoint, I've
had stalkers try and kill me,

cops try and bust me, I mean
I've been in the mafia

basically for six years.

So, someone came to me says,
girl, why don't you do porn?

I said porn? What's that?

It was a lot worse than
prostitution, like,

there's a whole
crew around,

they're all stroking
themselves going--

It was just totally degrading
and I went oh my gosh

this is bad,
this is really bad.

And then all of
a sudden like,

I can't explain it but all
the rage I ever felt from,

what my parents did, from
childhood, from like,

all the things that men abused
me with in prostitution

I just like, let it
out, on the screen.

He just said roll it and it's
like here I am the newbie

but I like, took over the
entire scene, it was weird.

I just went-
Rrrraw!

I'm Roxy! The porn star!
Like I was pissed!

But at the end of the scene
it just ended and I had um,

bodily fluids on my face,
and they just kinda went

here's a rag and they
just threw it and me

and I just grabbed
the rag and went.

And I didn't want
them to see me cry,

so I just kinda turned
my face and I was like,

oh my god, oh my god,
oh my god, don't cry,

Shelley, don't cry,
don't cry, don't cry.

Then now all of a sudden I'm
involved doing like anal, um,

gang-bangs with five or
six different performers

and I'm thinking
oh my god.

Now I'm bringing
big jugs of vodka!

And everyone's egging
you on telling you

no, girl we love you,
we're your family now,

you're awesome, and
then, and there is

a family atmosphere
that they offer.

Porn star karaoke,
everybody hangs out

at the same parties,
wooooo!

Girl, I love you!

Everyone's very affectionate,
and the reason why

they're so affectionate is
because that's their family.

Um, they're out, especially
in my day, we're outcasts.

In fact I still have
scars from suicide attempts.

And I--

I said I don't care, I
don't wanna live anymore.

And I took like thirty
prescription pills, and uh,

I didn't die, but I knew
I wanted out, bad,

and I remember crying
to God,

drunk off my ass
on Jack Daniels,

thinking if you get me
outta this I'll serve you

with my whole life, I swear to
god I'll do whatever you want!

Just get me outta this.

I mean, people who
are well adjusted

and have good life skills
and who are doing something

meaningful and constructive
with their lives,

they're not in the
industry to begin with so,

the people who are in the
industry are really broken

twisted souls without
a lot of great job skills

and uh, you know they're
turbulent souls.

So, they're
always gonna be

twisting and turning
in the wind.

We'd spent a lot
of time in church.

I actually convinced my mom to
send me to Christian School

when I was 14, she found a way
to gather up the funds,

and I went and I was very
involved in my church,

without her.

You know,
it was just, it was me

and my friends
and that was how

I grew up
and you know,

that all changed
when I was sixteen.

(laughing)

I spent the night
at a girlfriend's house,

and she, was a teenaged
mom, and married,

and her husband,
drugged me. With acid.

And I--
At that time I had,

I hadn't even stayed
up past ten.

So, uh, I didn't, I wasn't
really well versed

in the drug world.

And that changed
everything for me.

I did the best I could
to graduate high school

as fast as I could
and, and move out.

I was outta the
house by seventeen.

I knew some people in
the adult industry

and I hung out with them and I'm
still friends with them now,

I don't blame them
for hanging out with me

when I was young cause
they were young too, so--

(laughing)

Met a few porn stars,
and, just--

Fell in love
with them.

I hung out with them
until I was over eighteen,

did my first movie,
and, you know,

it was on
from there.

Well, the first year that I
was in the adult industry,

and was doing movies I
worked for every company

under the sun.

You know the dirtiest of the
dirtiest kinds of companies,

that do crazy stuff.

I worked for anybody, I
could, to make a buck.

I told my mom
and she flipped out.

She wasn't happy about
it but eventually when I,

you know, formed a career,
and I signed with Vivid,

and the pictures
were prettier,

and the footage was less
disgusting, ha ha ha ha!

Um, she came to terms and you
know, what's she gonna do?

It is what it is.

Being a Vivid
girl is, you know,

it's what every adult industry
actress wants to be.

You know Vivid's
the biggest best

and most well-known
company in the world.

They have the most
beautiful girls,

they have the
best photographers.

Um, they have
the best press.

And, (deep breath),
it's yeah, it's,

it's a high class
slew of girls.

I would think-- I mean,
of course you know,

it's as high class
as it's gonna get.

(laughing)

Um, it's a steady income,
so I don't know if

I necessarily thought I was
better than anybody else,

but I knew I was getting
the press that I wanted,

so, I was happy.
You know.

I took my movies
very seriously.

I studied my scripts.

Half the time
I wasn't stoned,

when I did the dialogue,
but I took my acting

very seriously because
it was the only time

I was ever gonna get
to do any acting.

So, I took it seriously!
And I loved it!

And um, I thought I was
good at it but, you know--

It just sounds so
cliche for me to say

I took the acting in my
porno movie seriously.

But, but I did.

And that was my favorite
part, was the acting.

And sometimes
the sex.

(laughing)

You can use drugs and
party and drink,

no matter what career
choice you have, but,

(deep breath), yes,
you're opened up

to the party lifestyle
a lot more.

I mean, you hang out
with rockstars, you,

you know there's always
porn parties to go to, um--

Me, struggling as an addict,
of course took advantage

of everything that
was there, you know,

all of the alcohol,
all of--

all of the drugs,
I did 'em all!

(laughing)

Um--

It's not a safe business
to be in

if you wanna
stay clean.

It's not safe.

Um, and I'm not
telling you this

to make you feel sorry
for me or anything

but I had an extremely
tough childhood,

and um, I think I got very
lost for many years.

Um, I didn't know who I
was, like many people.

Um, I had a very warped
understanding of what love was.

And um, I think because of a
lack of love in my life or a,

an inability to determine
what love really is

I saw sexual
attention, as love.

And when you've suffered a lot
of sexual abuse in your life

it's understandable I think
why you would feel that way.

Trying to tell you...

at what point
I made the decision

to be Tiffany Million is not
something I could answer

really in just
one neat sentence.

It's kind of a
combination of things.

Essentially the whole reason
that I even got into

that business to begin
with was because I was

a single mother, like
many people, and um,

I was living in Southern
California, I had no family,

I didn't know
that many people,

her father wasn't
helping me with her,

and it was pretty scary being
a single parent honestly,

and so, I mean I
figured, you know

I had a choice: I could
work eight hours a day,

and commute an hour or two
each way on the freeway,

to make, seven
eight dollars an hour,

only to pay out
half of that in taxes,

and child care, and my
daughter's with you know

heaven knows who
during the day,

or I could re-enter the
adult entertainment industry

'cause I'd been a
stripper years before.

And then I thought, cause
I'd always been kind of a fan

of adult films, and I'd so
many times I had looked

at those movies and
uh, I'd thought man,

you know what I could do that
and I could do it better.

You know. And so I thought
well heck, why not?

I mean I didn't have a
man in my life anymore,

I left her father, and uh, I
definitely needed the money,

but really it just
afforded me a way to,

work as little as possible to
get as much money as I could

to be with my daughter
cause that's all

I really wanted I wanted my
daughter to have a great life,

and a safe home, in a
good neighborhood,

with good childcare,
and I wanted

to spend as much time
with her as I could.

And working in the adult
film industry allowed me

to work a day or two a week
and be with my daughter

the rest of the week
and make more money

than people than
worked, you know,

five days a week,
eight hours a day.

What you do in porn
films is not sex.

I mean I know
you're being penetrated,

but it's like this,
you know.

It's like this.

I mean that's
what it feels like.

It's just something occupying
um, a chasm in your body.

Really--
It's like this.

It's like this that's
what it might as well be.

Uh, there uh,
there's no emotion there,

there's no
feeling, um, you know,

you know, I gotta tell you
this funny little story!

I would have so many
fans come up to me

at autograph signings
whatever and tell me that

I was their favorite
porn star,

because all the other
girls were faking it

and I was the one
that they knew,

man, that I was for
real. (laughing)

And uh, and I can tell
when a woman's faking it

and I'd be laughing!

Watch my face.
Watch my face.

(screaming)

'Cause I'd be like--

I'm the biggest damn
faker you ever met!

I mean I'm good, that's why
I get paid the big bucks.

Even when I was
in the business,

I didn't partake of all of
the extraneous activities.

Um, I think I went to
several parties only

because there was free
food and boozes,

and I would go and I
would eat and stuff

and then everybody would
go to the after-parties

and I'd be like nah, I'm
going home and going to bed.

(laughing)

I've always been early
to bed, early to rise.

I never wanted to be a
part of that scene and um,

even when I was
working in the movies

I always kinda felt like
a fly on the wall.

Like I know my
body was involved,

because,
obviously, I was there.

But I always had this
strange feeling

this real feeling
of disconnect.

Like I was up
here looking down.

When my father died in
94, uh like I said

he left me a whole
bunch of money,

and I suddenly realized
that I'm free.

I don't have to
be her anymore.

And I walked away.
And that was it.

No one puts a gun to
anybody's head to do this.

If you're not warned
about what's gonna happen

then the person who didn't
warn you is the person who's

guilty in that respect,
but they're doing it

for the one thing that
they cannot deny.

That absolute death-wish,
for the recognition,

validation, and credibility.

And they're welcome to
it, but eventually

their past will catch up
to them and they have

to be aware of the fact
that X is forever.

When I got into the business,
um, I, did have a goal.

It was my "cracked
out" goal. (laughing)

But I did have a
goal to, be out,

and retired, twenty-six, at
the latest twenty-seven.

Um--

And I was out,
by twenty-four.

I didn't leave the business
because uh, I wanted to.

I left the business
cause I felt I HAD to.

That it was the
right thing to do.

On November fourth, 1984,
was the first headline,

in the San
Francisco Chronicle,

regarding the heterosexual
transmission of AIDS.

A good friend of mine,
who was a mathematician

had read the same article
I did and he came over

to my house in the
afternoon and he said

"I've done some calculations
based on the numbers,

reported here in the story.

And you're in the wrong
place at the wrong time.

I want you to stop."

I had three jobs
lined up for December,

my wife said I don't
want you to do them.

And my thinking was look,
they're just trying

to sell newspapers, that's
what newspapers do,

they scare you, and so I don't
think the danger is

that real, and I'm gonna go
ahead and do these jobs.

So I went off and
I did the three jobs.

And when I came home,
and we're about to go

to bed, that night,
she said to me

"Do you think we should?"

Should? Should what?
Have sex?

"Yeah, do you think
we should have sex?"

And I said, what are
you talking about?

And she said, and I
can quote you verbatim,

I remembered
this all this time.

She said "Don't you
think it would be prudent,

if one of us remained
alive, to raise the kids?"

Pchew!

That was the brick wall.

Somebody had offered me
a DVD deal, and I--

I knew CD-ROMS
didn't do good,

I knew the laser
disks didn't do good,

and I thought,
uh, this DVD thing,

whatever it is, won't replace
video, so I signed it

without having a lawyer
look at it or anything,

and by the time DVDs started
taking over from videos,

I looked at the contract
and found out now

they have my DVD rights,
also had internet rights,

and the company
wasn't very good.

And once I realized I wasn't
gonna make much money

I stayed with Evil
Angel my distributor,

for as long as I could,
then when they stopped

doing videos that was it.

The ones that do well, are out
because they wanna be out,

not because they
had to get out.

And, they have made
their peace with what they did,

and that shows
in their bearing,

and the way that
they are, in the world.

The money that I did
save up went really quick.

Um, and then I was
just, scraping by.

And it was, um, it was the
Christian community that

really came alongside
me and helped me out.

There would be
times when I was,

didn't know how I
was gonna pay my rent,

and, somebody, it was just
people I don't even know,

just people who've read my
story, who wanted to help.

When I left the business
I sold my house

in Los Angeles, um, I first-
I retired, and then,

um, I decided, I need
to get out of L.A.

I needed
to get out of L.A.

I mean, everywhere I
went, McDonalds drive-thru,

um, nightclubs, the movie
theatre, the park,

Universal Studios,
I mean, you name it,

I could not, go anywhere.
I mean I don't know

how these big celebrities
deal with it all.

I mean they must ha--

They have to have
bodyguards of course

and stuff like that cause
I did not have bodyguards

and I could not
handle it.

It's impossible to lead a normal
life after you get out of it.

This is forever. This
is the scarlet letter.

And it, it never goes away,
you'll be dealing with the,

with the implications
of this forever.

What, (sigh),

what tends to happen is
that it isolates you.

And so you,
develop a, a fear of,

being rejected again
and again and again

and so you put up walls
between you and other people,

and you isolate yourself and
you don't join communities,

and, when you're isolated
you're less likely

to suffer rejection.

But you're also isolated
and living on the edge

so, um, you can never
get away from this,

there's no solution.

To go from being
uh, a movie star,

to zippo
the pinhead overnight,

was just like,
devastating to my ego.

If you're looking for a long
career in the porn business

you're probably
looking in the wrong place.

Uh, the average girl, might
be good for, two years?

Two to three years tops
for the average girl.

If you're lucky and you're
one of the few superstars,

not very many of those,
okay then you get uh,

you know, six seven
years. Eight years.

And if you play
your cards right,

and do your financial thing
right, then you can,

you know, make some money
and set yourself up.

Overall I guess
I'm happy I did it.

I mean the only thing I
don't like is that, it,

the main thing I really
wanted to do is act and be

in comedies and tv, and I
feel like it holds me back.

But I don't know if I
would have just stuck

with the normal route
if I would've uh,

ended up making
it to tv at all,

who knows I'd probably,
maybe still be

in Florida going
to castings,

maybe I never would
have come out here.

So, and I've gotten to do
a lot of Cinemax movies

which are really fun too,
and all those things

I've gotten to do because
of probably the porn.

So overall I guess
I'm happy I did it.

Um, uh, part of the reason
we're her in Utah is

because porn is
illegal here, so uh,

it really helps keep me
from being recognized.

That and the forty
extra pounds I gained!

But um, now that I'm
losing that weight, um,

well I also cut off my
hair so that helps too.

But um.

Yeah, everyone's
been really cool about,

um, if they
find out who I am.

They've been
really good about it.

When I took Katty
to her new daycare

and they asked, if I had um,
reference names for like,

who to call if something
happens to Katty I said

I don't know anybody here, I
have no references, sorry,

and she thought that was
a little bit suspicious,

and so she
looked me up online,

I had given her the
name Asia Lemon, um,

and from that name she
managed to figure out

who I was and so the
next day she goes,

uh, you know I did a
little Googling on you.

And I was like Ugh!
(nervous laughing)

Miss Mormon Mommy of four who
did a little Googling on Asia.

I was like, so, you
still gonna watch my kid?

Well you know,
unfortunately like uh,

one of the reasons I like--
the fact that Vince Neal

has me playing his charity
tournament for his daughter

for children's
cancer and stuff,

and I played in
the Country uh,

Academy of Country Music
Awards charity tournament

this year and a few other
charity tournaments

cause it's one of the only ways,
that porn people can give

to charities, unfortunately
in this hypocritical world,

a lot of charities don't
want to accept money

from people that are
in the sex business.

"Eww, the sex
business we can't do that."

Politicians,
on the other hand,

who make us look
clean as hell,

no problem
taking their money.

Uh, unscrupulous
business men

who's ripping everybody
off, no problem!

But because we have a
little sex once in a while,

naw, can't do you and
that pissed me off.

I had one interesting
moment in baseball

with my son in little league.

I had told nobody
about my career,

and uh, one day the manager,
who was this big black guy

who was a Stanford graduate,
he comes up to me

and he goes, "Gonna be
some trouble today."

And I said what do you mean?

He says, "One of the mothers
knows who's you are."

He looks at me and he's
says "You know I knew

who you were the minute
you came on the field."

And he said I'll
tell you the truth.

He said "Anybody that's been

in Nina Hartly's booty
is okay with me."

(laughing) He says

"I will take care of this."
And he did.

MENSA's
a high IQ society.

You have to have an IQ in the
top two percent, to get in.

I got in, with a notarized
copy of my SAT scores.

MENSA didn't want link to
my website even though

they linked all the
member's websites,

because uh, of who I
was, and adult star,

um, so, that
was their excuse,

and so I made them a special
little webpage of Asia

just like, happy Asia, college
pictures and smiling Asia

and, just innocent
stuff and it's two pages,

and that's, so that's
where MENSA links to now,

instead of my regular site.

And they finally
acknowledged me

in their MENSA celebrity
issue which was,

a really big moment for me.
That was cool.

Wait,
how do you say it?

(inaudible)
Unprecedented?

Unprecedented?
It sounds weird.

Okay. (laughing)

I've done something
unprecedented that

nobody else in, the adult
industry has ever done.

Um, and that was
you know running

for Governor of California,
actually two times.

And um, it was amazing,
when I first started out,

the owner of my company
and I thought that

it was gonna be just
like a little fun joke,

see if I could
get some press,

maybe get on the van.com,
so when I went down

to the courthouse to get
my paperwork when we said

I was gonna do it, um,
Howard Stern Show

sent a camera crew down,
Channel 7, Channel 5,

all the news
shows showed up,

Associated Press, writers,
and that's when him

and I are like Okay,
I gotta get on that ballot

because this is
gonna be huge.

I'm going to get rid
of the car tax and

put a tax on breast
implants instead.

I will legalize
gay marriage.

And I will make sure
everyone who files

for unemployment
gets jury duty.

In other words, California,
I'll be a kickass governor,

so vote for me, Mary
Carey, on October 7th.

I mean, of course, some
of my platforms were very

tongue in cheek, and
funny but, you know,

when I was getting
towards the end of it

I realized that you
know I really wanted

to make a difference and
I felt like I really was

making a difference because
I was getting a lot

of people who normally
wouldn't follow politics

to follow, because of me.
And um, you know,

and then I was like
what if I win?

(laughing) But, you know,

coming in tenth place
is pretty amazing

out of a hundred and
thirty-two people.

When I was eighteen
years old, um,

I went to uh, real-estate
school, just everything

about real-estate
just I really liked,

so I figured that I would
always, do something with that.

I was working for
a builder, uh, a,

a home builder, here,
and, corporate,

came to my community
and shut the doors

and said we need
to talk to you.

Someone recognized you,
We know who you are,

and you are too
recognizable and it's a,

we're too
conservative of a company,

and we're gonna
have to let you go.

And so that was
right before,

that was a week before I
got diagnosed with cancer.

And the ones that got
out of this business

and now are being blighted
by the society that

jacked off to them.

Well the society are the
ones that's guilty for that.

They're damning them
for something that

gave them pleasure,
but they refuse

to admit that they got
the pleasure from them.

and that's a very very
sad state of affairs.

Now I was
starting to direct,

and I was hired, uh,
a couple months later,

to go to Germany to work.

I'd make about eight grand
or something like that.

Work eight days
or something.

And I didn't wanna do
this any more at this time,

I didn't wanna
do it any more.

So I left, said goodbye
to her, stood in line

two hours, and as I'm going
I'm saying I don't wanna go,

I'm saying to myself
I don't wanna go,

I don't wanna go,
I don't wanna--

And it just built up
and built up until I got,

finally got to
the point of where,

"May I help you?"

they said, you
know, ticket counter,

I said uh, no,
I'm not going.

(laughing) I took my
bags, I call up Kathleen

and I said baby
I'm coming home,

I don't wanna go, I don't
wanna go to Europe.

I'm thinking about the
trip and everything,

I don't wanna do this, I
wanna stay home with her.

So, that was pretty
much the last thing I did.

Really what got me
out of it was my husband.

Because, when I met
Ron, he had no idea

who I used to be.
Ron loved me, for me.

And you know he could
had a much younger woman,

he could had a much
better looking woman,

he could had a woman
with a lot more money.

But he fell in love
with me.

He didn't know anything
about that part of me.

And the fact that he
accepted me for who I was

and loved me
for who I was--

Taught me how
to love me.

Really.

And his love for me
has reconnected me

with the person that
I was before I EVER,

did any of this crap.

All of a sudden Mr. Right came
into my life, and I hated him.

Ha! When I first met him.

His whole life he was
raised in Christian school

from like, he went to the
same school, the same kids

from like kindergarten
to like twelfth grade.

He was like most valuable
player, he did sports,

his mom had
all these trophies.

She has
a book this thick

just on newspaper
clippings on him.

So I was like jealous
already I hated his guts.

He would like knock on my
door and I would answer

and go,
what do you want?

and he goes "I'm here
to clean your house."

And I'd be like,
what are you doing?

He goes "You're filthy."

Ha!

Like, cause I didn't
cook, and I didn't clean

and I was, and I was,
I was falling apart.

So he literally
cleaned my whole house.

With rags for me, and um,
I just stopped working.

didn't wanna prostitute
anymore and lie anymore

and we just hit it off and
the next thing you know

we're snorting meth, and
next thing you know

we're reading the
bible together.

And we're like
(sniff) dude!

Did you see like how like
God used Joshua like

to conquer all
those cities dude.

And he'd be like
(sniff) yeah and (inaudible)--

and like I, I mean we're were
just like so into the Bible!

And we realized that he had
went to Christian school

his whole life and was the
pastor's son so he had

a really great Christian
foundation and,

I didn't as much as him
but, he was so sweet

and he never once pursued
me sexually, so, um,

we ended up getting married
on Valentine's Day, 1995.

I met my husband in a pool,
in Hollywood, Florida.

At the Diplomat Hotel.
And he was married

at the time and I had a
boyfriend at the time.

And, he was in the
middle of splitting up

and I was kinda
done with it.

Little Trist.

And, I told him I was
in the middle of uh,

putting a webpage together,
and, he said oh okay,

and, it had to be maybe
three months after

I got my first website up that
I got an email from him.

We went out once,
that was it.

We haven't
been apart since.

Um, my husband died
in a car accident

driving home
from Las Vegas.

I had asked him not to do
this whole gig actually,

um, I was
eight months pregnant

and I didn't want him
away from me that long,

and uh, he's like
"I gotta do it honey",

but he tried, he cut
it down to two days

so he was really happy coming
home on the second day

that he was
all done with this

and he came racing home
to be with his pregnant wife

and he flipped the jeep and
didn't ever make it home.

Suddenly he's gone
and now here I am,

no more income and
all these bills to pay

and it was just like one
thing on top of another.

And so I, I just, I put
up a plea on my website

asking, uh, for donations.

I didn't know
what else to do.

No insurance,
no money, bills,

and my fans donated,
enormous amounts of money.

Um, the kids were
completely spoiled,

they got toys and
books and presents

and stuff with pictures
on it and just it was,

unbelievable it would
make me cry all the time

I would open all the mail
from all these people

I'd never met and it
was just, it was

really wonderful having
fans turn out to help me.

Because you know, I'd
been online for ten years,

they'd watched grow up
and I'd never asked

for anything before and
here I was I needed help.

And they helped me.

I faced those up and,
up and downs many times.

Certainly with my
real-estate practice

and the market and when the
market dropped in real-estate,

and now that the
market and, you know,

is dropping all the
way across the board

I mean the country
is in crisis.

Our whole
country is in crisis.

It would be really
easy for me right now,

to want to reinvestigate,
you know, porn.

I definitely
wanna have kids.

That's something like, I
was actually very depressed

recently because I,
I'm realizing that

I'm twenty years old
and I'm not married

and I have no kids. And
I really want kids.

And, I'd like to have at
least two. Maybe three.

Because being an only
child I always wished

I had a brother or sister.

I still wish I had a
brother or sister.

Like, you know I just,
that's something

I've always wanted so.

I have a gorgeous family.

My son is amazing.
He's my angel.

My daughter is the best thing
that ever happened to me.

She saved my life.

I want my daughter to have a
completely different life.

I want her to, go to
college is number one.

She's a great
student, she's a track star,

she's had to deal
with my porn life.

She, um, hates it.
She's embarrassed of it.

And, um, she won't let
me, she doesn't want me

to go to her
track meets, sh--

because she feels someone
would recognize me.

We're going to church now,
I go to church and I um,

have a strong faith, and
I have changed my life

and I want for her
everything that--

I, I don't want her to
ever have to experience

what I experienced.

In the moment?
Thank you!

For being who you are.

Cause you're a
pretty cool dude.

(laughing) Oooo!

Ooo, can I get
that in writing?!

Sure! I can give it
to you in writing!

Um.

You're welcome.

It's interesting.

I mean, what I'm sitting
here thinking is, I wonder

how many other people out
there can have this kind

of conversation with
their parents.

I mean most people can't
sit around and think

about their parents
having sex, or, um,

especially fucking somebody
other than their mother.

I mean that alone
would I think

irritate a lot
of children.

But, it's very, normalized,
in that sex is

a goody that
should be enjoyed.

Um, and when you can
differentiate between sex

and love and everything
that happens in between,

um, it's a huge gift
that you can give yourself,

and lovers and partners
and friends and family.

And I'm grateful that
that's, that's my world.

Wow.

I'm impressed.

She, is my role model.
She is my hero.

And, I think I
learned a lot from my mom.

She's gone through a lot
and I even tell people that

she's my hero and
she's my role model.

She's just like whatever,
I did it for my daughter

and now she's doing what
she wants to she owns

her own business, and no
matter how many people

talk down about her
she's still does what

she wants to do and
she's successful at it.

So, I guess she's
just a good example of,

don't let other
people bring you down,

just keep doing
what you're doing

and you'll be successful
in what you wanna do.

So. I'm very proud of you!
Just so you know that!

Please don't start crying
cause then I'll start crying!

I'm not gonna cry!

I will start crying.

And since my husband
died there wasn't a lot

for me to look forward to so it
was kinda nice to have that.

Mom,
your husband died?

(laughing) Daddy.
Where's Daddy?

Where's Daddy?

Up in the clouds.

There comes a point in our life
when family becomes first,

the first thing and the
question, the answer

to the question, it just
doesn't even take a beat.

Sometimes...
(unintelligible)

And we have the opportunity to
see our friends and family.

I think Chuck would
really appreciate,

that we're here today.

There was something uniquely
vital about Buck Adams that

could brighten up
the darkest moment,

and put a grin on the face
of the bleakest situation.

With a body that appeared to
be hewn from a granite block

of cement, and an intensity
that provided his fans

with a vicarious sustenance,
Buck Adams will always be

remembered as the guy who
got it up when it counted.

You know like I said, if you
knew it was gonna happen...

what would
you have said?

And you don't
always get that chance.

Um, but right now,
in my life,

I, regret doing porn.

I regret doing porn and
I never thought, ever,

that I would be,
who I became.

Houston.

I never thought I would be
so big and so recognizable

and just, I just
never thought that

it would turn into
what it did, for me.

And God
just says, Shelley,

I'm telling you,
you need to--

you need to trust me,

I've got something better
for you. I love you.

I didn't save your
ass all these years

not to give you
something better.

Well, like,
looking back, I didn't,

honestly I can't really like
go, on my computer and,

and look at stuff that
I used to do anymore

it just makes me, I
just, I'm so different.

I feel so different now
like, where I am in life.

It's really hard for me to
believe that I was that girl.

So yes, it has changed me.
For the better I believe.

The porn business
has afforded me

a very comfortable life
it has allowed me

to educate myself in ways
that I probably wouldn't

have been able
to do before.

It's enabled me to travel
all over the world and,

meet new and
interesting people.

And it's allowed
me to, have the,

have the cajones,
if you will,

to try new and
exciting things that

I probably wouldn't
have done before.

I would have
been afraid to do.

I have no fear,
to do anything.

You know because as
people we have to fully

and freely accept ourself
for everything we are

and everything we're not
cause if we have compar--

If we compartmentalize,
we're never a whole self.

You know. Especially in
like relationships,

we don't get to
bring our whole self.

What I am afraid of the most
is because I've lasted

so long and this industry
is now heading towards

its fourth decade of
presence on this earth,

that the people who
created this business,

the Eric Edwardses,
the Jamie Guillesses,

the John Lesleys, the great
pioneers of this business,

are not gonna be with
us, forever, and,

I'd hoped to be around long
enough to honor them

but I don't wanna do
it fast and furiously

because when they start
to fall by the wayside

somebody's gonna have
to remember them.

It's based on a line that,
"there is no future

if in the present we fail
to pay homage to the past."

But a lot of them are now
in their fifties and sixties,

some of them in their
seventies, and somebody is

going to have to be there
to tell their stories.

Eventually this
woman is gonna like say,

wwheeeeuuuheehehehuh.

And then when you're
eighty-five and you can't

walk no more and you're in a
wheelchair she's gonna say

"You remember when you
wanted to have sex all day?

Yeah, what do you
mean, you want what?

Bap!

What do you want?
Bap!

No no no, now I'm
getting back at you."

(chuckling)

I miss many things
about the business.

But, I guess the clearest way
to say it concisely would be,

the biblical phrase
occurs to me,

"when I was a child
I spake as a child,

and when I was a man,
I put away childish things."

I'm trying to think
of like Joe Nameth.

Joe, do you miss football?

Sure he does.

But he can't play
like he used to play.

He's, sixty-five
years old now.

I'm in the same place.

Am I happy I did porn?
Uh, yeah,

I really don't have too
many regrets cause I,

it's so much stuff came
out of it that was positive.

I got to travel around
the world, uh,

I met a lot of
interesting people,

I'm way over my
quota sexually,

uh, I think uh,
people ask me and I,

I guess the estimate's,
I've been with like,

three-thousand women
or something like that,

most of them were
awesome to work with,

um, still friends with
a lot of 'em, so uh,

yeah, overall it was a
hell of an experience.

Essentially I am living
my life right now

the way I wanna live it
for the rest of my life

and I wanna, I wanna die doing
what I'm doing right now.

How many people
can say that?

Well I am, that I live
here and I have a place

that I love this much
I think I'm as lucky

as anybody could be
on earth.

Far as, I mean, I dunno
what the hell t'ask for.

I'm happy.

I'm not
in a dark place,

I'm not suicidal,
I'm not doing drugs.

You know I'm not
self-destructive.

Um, but the last two
years has been a journey,

cause I was very
self-destructive before and,

I'm not saying it
changed overnight,

I still have
self-destructive thoughts,

but, um, I'm just in an,
healthier place all around.

You hear some people we
talk to who are leading

normal lives, and are
doing pretty good,

like how the hell
would you really know,

like, how would you know
what really goes on

in their life at two a.m.?

The torment, the, you know,
how would you know that

they're gonna tell you
about all the times

they've been rejected and
isolated and,

and the horror and
the shame that,

that their children
confront and that,

their spouses confront,
and the shame that

they've put their
families through and,

and the relationships that
have been permanently broken.

I mean all the, all the
burned bridges behind them

because they've
done sex work.

You know most families
aren't proud

when their daughters
become hookers.

I think the difference between
me and the other girls

in the industry was
that I've really,

enjoyed being there and
um, not just the sex

I mean I, used it to better
myself as a person.

I never let the industry take
advantage of me in any way.

I always took
advantage of the industry.

I made phenomenal amounts of
money I've produced movies,

I wrote movies,
I starred in them,

hell people were
paying me hundreds

of dollars an hour
to sign autographs?

Woo hoo! I'm up,
I'm with this!

Um, I just, I- I ...

The other girls leave with
a bad taste in their mouth

and they- and I just,
I have nothing

but good memories
when I look back.

And right now if I wanted
to go back into porn

I could probably go get a
contract almost at any company

and still just do straight
boy-girl scenes.

And if I really wanted
to when I'm thirty-two

if I wanna go back to porn
and because I'm really broke

maybe let's say,
hopefully it won't happen,

I would tell a porn
company guess what,

I'm gonna come back and
do two guys and do anal.

If I'm thirty-five and really
poor I need to do porn,

I'll tell 'em I'll do, you
know, a black guy. Heh!

There isn't that
much of a future

after the x-rated industry
because somehow,

somewhere, somebody
will find you.

The famous line I used
to say to anybody

walking into my office when
I ran the biggest agency,

what are you gonna do
ten years from now

when your kid brings
home a magazine

with you laying in
the middle of it

with a candle shoved
up your ass?

You gonna tell'em
you were playing

the part
of a birthday cake?

It doesn't go away.

My husband and my
son changed my life.

And my son saved my life.

(sigh) And looking
at him every day,

reminds me how
precious life is.

And how throwing it
away on drug and alcohol,

just this stupid
crap that's out there,

god, it's just so not
worth it. You know?

*