All language subtitles for Ted.Lasso.S01E08

Hello, mon cher.

Coach! Over here.

Oh.

Thank God.

[SAM] Z-man, Dani.

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

- He looks like a beautiful angel-man.
- [SAM LAUGHS]

Good morning, sunshine.

You okay?

Oh, I didn't want to miss
the bus, so I just slept in here.

Sorry, I'm gonna vomit. Sorry.

[MUFFLED] Oh... Oh, my God.

[WHISPERS] Wait. What am I
doing? This is my fucking room.

Oi! Out.

[SASSY] Hey, you.

Hey. Good morning.

I... I got you a coffee.

- Oh. Thank you.
- Yeah.

You been up long?

Um... hour or two.

You know? I guess three hours total.

Last night was fun.

Oh, yeah. Five stars. Certified fresh.

- Mm. Have you got to go?
- Uh, yeah.

But, you know, you don't
need to rush out or anything.

I got you a late checkout.

Oh. That's very thoughtful of you.

Go on then. You go.

I'm gonna go back to sleep,

and then I'm gonna order a
huge breakfast on your tab.

- That's a pro move right there. Yeah.
- [CHUCKLES]

Hey, I'll be your Underhills
anytime. [CHUCKLES]

Okay. Well, um... I'll
see you around, I guess.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Mouad49

[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

[COACH BEARD] Coach.

Hey, Coach.

- Coach.
- Yeah?

- Something on your mind, Coach?
- No, why?

We just had a five-hour bus ride
where you didn't talk a lick,

and that's a record by about five hours.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Okay, look. I'm gonna tell you something

but then I don't wanna talk
about it ever again, okay?

- Okay.
- I'm serious.

I don't want to make jokes about it.

I don't want you giving
me any knowing glances.

- You know what I mean? Okay.
- Okay.

Um...

Last night, I, uh...

I slept with Rebecca's friend Sassy.

- Want to talk about it?
- I'd love to. Yeah. Immediately.

There you are.

I thought this room was haunted.

No. We sorted that.

Is now a good time?

Yeah. You can come in. She can't
hear anything with those in.

You sure?

Gail, you think the royal
family are lizards, right?

- [ROY GROANS]
- Twenty-three. So young.

What's she listening to?

Always murder podcasts.

Last night was crazy.

Right, yeah. It was pretty sloppy.

[EXHALES] I could really
use a bucket of coffee

to nurse this hangover.

Do you wanna go get one
with me when you're done?

Not today. I can't. I'm busy.

He's lying.

Right. I'm gonna have
to ask you to leave,

'cause she's about to go
to town on my hamstrings

and I make a lot of noises,

and I don't like people
hearing my noises.

Cool. All right. I'll
see you around, yeah?

Okay.

[GRUNTS, WHINES]

'Cause, look, it's just not something
I've ever done before, okay?

And look, I got no judgment on people

that have one-night stands, okay?

I mean, if you are, you know,
nuts for butts, have at it.

That's what I say.

Coach, did you have fun?

Oh, come on, Coach. I don't like
all that kiss-and-tell stuff.

Coach, did you have fun?

And did she have fun?

Mm. Yeah, that movement's,
uh, making me feel queasy.

- [GROANS]
- Okay. So, then what's the problem?

I mean, maybe I just haven't
really come to peace with the fact

that I went from having
a mental breakdown

at a karaoke joint in Liverpool

to, uh, you know, sleeping
with a woman I just met.

And then somewhere in between
there, getting a divorce.

- Well, it makes sense to me.
- I must say that this is lovely.

Ever since I was little,

I always used to dream about
sitting down with a bunch of mates

talking about the complex dynamics
between men and women.

Okay, here's another question for
y'all. Uh, should I tell Rebecca?

- [ALL] No.
- Oh, come on now. Why not?

I mean, it'd break my heart

if I found out she was
hiding something from me.

- [GAGS]
- [GAGS]

What's happening? You having a meeting?

Yep. I'm having lady problems.

- I'd love to get your perspective on it.
- No.

Ted, can I be honest with you?

Come on, let it rip.

You seem intent on going 12
rounds with yourself. Why?

What did you do wrong?

He's right.

Time to get you some of these.

What, scissors?

Yeah. To cut yourself some slack.

Wow.

Y'all stuck the landing
on that. That was nice.

Tell you what, I gotta get you
all some satin jackets made,

with "Ted Lasso's
Personal Dilemma Squad"

embroidered on the back there.

That's a clunky name. There's
gotta be something better here.

Let me think. Oh, I know. How
about, uh, the "EQ Warriors"?

The "Knights of Support"?

Mm. Nah. Sounds like
a brand of jockstrap.

Um, the "Proud Boys"?

[VOMITS, GROANS]

What about the "Diamond Dogs"?

Attaboy, Nate. Diamond Dogs it is.

Whoo!

[HOWLS]

[KEELEY] Oh, come on, Roy.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I thought you were supposed
to be in Manchester.

We played West Ham, so I'm in town.

Yeah. Come in. How you doing?

Uh, yeah, I'm good.

I had ten touches, I had
two completed dribbles,

and in the 89th minute they
let me take a free kick.

I scored. Got half a chub.

Ah. So you thought you'd bring your
half-chub over here then, right?

No. No, I just, uh, wanted to talk.

You know, everything happened
so fast when Lasso dumped me.

Oi. Come on. Lasso didn't dump
you. Man City wanted you back.

No, no. Lasso could have
stopped it, but he didn't. Yeah.

- Ah. Mm...
- [STAMMERS] Just let me finish, yeah?

I dated a lot of girls, right?

But you, you saw an even greater Jamie

inside an already great Jamie.

[CHUCKLES]

You made me cultured.
Took me to plays and shit.

You hated all of that.

Yeah, 'cause it's confusing.

They do all these emotional things,

make you feel all these emotional ways.

And then they get mad when
you start trying to shout out

and talk to them during a performance.

- [LAUGHS]
- It's weird.

You also taught me to try to
not get in me own way so much.

So... thank you for that.

You're welcome, Jamie.

You know, this is the first time
you've been over to this house

and you haven't sent me
some, like, weird sex emoji.

Like the eggplant
or the squirting water.

Or the little squirrel.

The little squirrel. I
never understood that one.

Well, he's, uh, he's holding
a little nut, isn't he?

- Yeah.
- [CHUCKLING] Yeah.

He is. Yeah.

Right.

Do you wanna have a drink with me?

Eh... nah.

Unless by "drink" you mean...

[DOOR CLOSES]

So that's how you get sex?

By not trying for sex?

Sometimes that is exactly how it works.

Ah. I never knew that.

[KEELEY LAUGHS]

- Morning, boss.
- [CHUCKLES]

Now, you don't just get biscuits today.

I also got you a little
box of chocolate truffles.

- Oh, you fucker. Don't do this to me.
- [TED CHUCKLES]

What you should do is
take one of them truffles

and smoosh it in between
the biscuits like

it's a little breakfast sandwich...

Yeah, there you go. You got it.

- Yeah. Mm-hmm.
- [MOANS]

Yeah. And hey,

I wanna thank you again for
being there for me up in Liverpool.

- Oh. It was nothing, Ted.
- No, no. It was something.

You got a coupon for life, young
lady. Yeah. I got your back.

Think of me as your own personal
metaphorical Saint Bernard.

You don't need to be dealing
with a metaphorical avalanche

to avail yourself to the metaphorical
bourbon hanging around my neck.

Metaphorically speaking. Okay?

All right now.

- Oh! Actually, Ted.
- Mm.

If you do want to be there for me,

I have a meeting later with
two minority owners of the club.

The Milk sisters.

The most horrible human cocktail

of being terribly dull and
yet, they never shut up.

Please join me.

Done and doner.

[EXHALES] Perfect. I can
just introduce you all,

leave you wittering on, and
slip out and do anything else.

How much of the club they own?

2.9%.

I'm gonna round that down to two.

Then I can call those
gals the "2% Milks".

Oh, God. They're gonna adore you.

It's gonna be fun. All right.
I'll leave you be. See ya now.

In my experience, I've always
found that endorsements work best

if you really believe in the product.

So, I can find good
opportunities for you guys

if you let me know what you're into.

I love Air Jordans.

I'd fuck a pair of Jordans.

All right. So, athletic wear then, yeah?

I'm into issue-oriented products.

You know, pro-environment
or anti-pollution.

That kind of thing.

Oh, and also Air Jordans.

- But I don't want to sleep with them.
- [KEELEY] Mm-hmm.

Isaac, what about you?

Uh, Rolos.

So, sweets and chocolate then?

No. Just Rolos, yeah?

And none of that Sour
Patch bullshit either, yeah?

Okay.

Well, that's a great start
from you guys. Thank you.

[ISAAC] Hey, Captain.

What's all this?

Oh, Rebecca's letting me
use this room as my office

until she sets me up
with somewhere proper.

That's why I have this.

So if they need to use the room,

I can just shove everything into it.

Efficient. Do you want
to see a movie later?

- What the fuck is wrong with you?
- What?

I asked you if you wanted to
go get coffee with me yesterday

- and you said you were busy.
- I was busy.

- You never texted me back last night.
- Yeah. I was busy.

What about the kiss? You took
off like it was a shit kiss,

and it was not a shit
kiss. I was on fire.

- I agree.
- So what is your fucking problem, Roy?

Listen, I'm a professional footballer.

I have had a million one-night stands.

- So have I.
- Great.

- I don't know why we're bragging about it.
- Neither do I.

And they always feel empty.
Well, not the first part.

- No, at first they're wicked.
- They're fucking great.

- But when it's all done, I feel like...
- Like shit.

Exactly. And I always end up
with my watch being stolen

or a story in the press about
how my penis has a curve in it.

Does it actually?

No, I just make it feel
like it does with my hips.

Anyway, the point is, I'm
trying to do this differently.

I should have told
you that. I apologize.

And I am trying to be more honest.

Thank you.

Okay, then.

[SIGHS] I think you should
know that I slept with Jamie.

Yes, I am aware of that.

I mean last night.

I didn't think you were into me.

I didn't know what you wanted,
and I knew exactly what he wanted.

So you fucked him to get back at me

for something I didn't even know I did.

[SCOFFS] No. I... No.

No.

Yes.

Yup. That's exactly what I did.

[GRUNTS SOFTLY]

I fucked up, Roy. I'm really sorry.

But I need you to be okay with this.

[GRUNTS]

Um, well, why don't you just come
and tell me how you feel about it

once you've figured out
how to speak again?

[GRUNTS]

[DOOR SLAMS]

Hi, Roy.

[GRUNTS]

Something on your mind?

[GRUNTS]

Is that grunt all I get to go on?

That's okay. I'll give it
a shot here. Uh, let's see.

You are thinking about
buying your first house.

No, not that. Okay.

You just realized your dad
might be a little racist.

Stop. He's in his 60s and
he's from South London.

Of course my dad's a little racist.

Look, me and Keeley might
be starting up a thing,

but every time I think about her,

all I think about is
Jamie fucking Tartt.

Ooh-whee!

Sounds to me like
someone's trapped inside

life's most complicated shape.

A love triangle.

Second place of course is the "I
just walked in on my mother-in-law

changing into her
swimsuit" dodecahedron.

Does my face look like it's in
the mood for shape-based jokes?

No, Roy, it does not.

But, in my defense, it rarely does.

Oh. I know exactly
what to do here, though.

- What are you doing?
- Oh.

Don't you fret, my fine furry fella.

In a matter of minutes,

your relationship dilemma
will be in the past.

For I am rounding up the Diamond Dogs.

Who the fuck are the Diamond Dogs?

It's just a group of
people who care, Roy.

Not unlike folks at a hip-hop concert

whose hands are not in the air.

Okay, so this is about
you and Keeley, right?

- Saw this coming.
- Nothing like the early days of courtship.

Okay, this is my fucking nightmare.

I think the idea of you and Keeley
is like cookies and cream.

And I think we all agree,

two great tastes that
go great together, right?

- [HIGGINS] Yeah.
- Perfect analogy.

Yes, I am into her. But we all
know who her ex-boyfriend is.

The prince prick of all pricks.

And I've got him stuck right in here.

I don't understand the problem.

I mean, Keeley's just so kind.

You know, to be liked by someone
like her must be... 's wonderful.

Mm. Shout out to the
Gershwin brothers right there.

[COACH BEARD] Fuck yeah, the Gershwins.

But dang it, fellas,
you're still not getting it!

Thank you.

Sure, Roy here has slept with a
bunch of different people in his past.

But Keeley's got her own romantic

and sexual history that predates Roy.

And that's not okay!

Oh, he means the opposite.

I love it when Coach does sarcasm.

I can't control my feelings.

Well, then by all means you
should let them control you.

Ah! He's doing it again.

[CHUCKLES] Good eye.

Look, Roy, all this Chandler
Bing-ing aside, do me a favor.

Don't let her past muck around
with y'all's future, okay?

She slept with him last night.

- I mean, are you two officially dating?
- No.

- Have you already slept together?
- No.

Coach, you wanna bring this home?

Grow up and get over it.

The Diamond Dogs have struck again.

[HOWLING, BARKING]

You're all pricks.

[HOWLING, BARKING]

All righty. See the
Milk sisters anywhere?

You want me to go skim
the back room? [CHUCKLES]

[SIGHS] Don't make me regret this, Ted.

Oh, don't worry, don't worry. I'm
gonna be an udder gentleman, okay?

Hey, I wonder if they've
ever seen the movie, uh,

Bridget Jones's Dairy.

Sorry, that's not my breast
milk pun. I can do better.

Oh, my God, this was a horrible
idea. Seriously, please go home.

- Oh, come on. It's gonna be fun.
- Stop.

There she is.

Rupert, what are you doing here?

We came to celebrate.

Uh, Rebecca, Rebecca. Rebecca, Rebecca.

It's nice to see you again.

- And this is Ted.
- Howdy.

Yeah. Uh, join us for a drink.

Here you go, Rupert. Anything else?

A couple more glasses for our
friends here. Thank you, Mae.

You are as delicious as ever.

From your West End to your Marble Arch.

Keep your Big Ben in your pants.

[LAUGHING]

[MAE CHUCKLES]

Thank you for your invitation,

but we're actually here to
meet with the Milk sisters.

Oh, they won't be coming now.

Oh, no. Did they expire?

What?

Um, so, yeah, I, um...

I know I'm not allowed an
ownership stake in the club,

but, um, they were nice enough

to sell their minority
share to Bex here.

I always, uh, thought I'd finish
paying off my student loans

- before I purchased a football club.
- [RUPERT LAUGHS]

Obviously, she needed a little,

um, financial aid from yours truly.

But, um, well, when we're married,
what's hers will be mine

and what's mine...

well, that'll stay mine 'cause I've
learned from you. [CHUCKLES]

You're engaged?

[BOTH SQUEAL]

[KISSES]

Hey. Congratulations.

So you better join us for a drink.

Everyone! Drinks with us. It's on me.

[CHEERING]

Three lagers, please, Mae.
They're free. We want the boots.

To Richmond!

[CHANTING] Richmond!
Richmond! Richmond! Richmond!

Richmond! Richmond! Richmond!

Right. The... The product
you'd most like

to get into business with is joy?

Sí. Mucho, mucho joy.

I don't know if I can get you
paid for that though, Dani.

I like to give away joy for free.

- Oh. All right, thanks, Dani.
- You're welcome.

Hey. Football is life, Capitán.

Yup.

[DANI SINGING IN SPANISH]

[CHUCKLES]

I'm done being mad about Jamie.

I'm a grown man. I'm not a baby child.

I'm over it.

Right. Would you mind saying
that to the rest of the room?

I mean, the press deserves to know.

Mr. Kent!

- Yeah.
- Hi. Keeley Jones, The Independent Woman.

Would you please repeat
what you just said?

I'm over it.

Can I take you out tonight? Please?

Uh... yeah. You.

Keeley Jones, The Independent
Woman Online Edition.

So, why should I trust
this sudden change of heart?

'Cause I like you more than I hate him.

I mean, barely. It's very close.

Yeah. Woman with the hair.

Keeley Jones, The
Independent Woman Magazine.

Where would you take
me if I did say yes?

- I don't know. Coffee?
- [SCOFFS] Can't do any better?

- Dinner.
- Yeah, that sounds great.

Yeah, woman with the fucking eyes.

Keeley Jones, The Independent
Woman insert on Sunday.

Could you please elaborate
on the hip movement

that makes your penis feel
like it has a curve in it?

Right, no more questions.
We'll see you on the pitch.

[CHUCKLES]

To Rupert!

[CHEERING]

Friends, Richmonds, countrymen.

Our club's nightmare
is over now. I'm back.

Thank God. 'Cause Ted Lasso sucks.

- No offense, Ted.
- Oh, all good, Baz.

You, Jeremy, and Paul have
been refreshingly candid

about y'all's feelings.

Pretty cool Premier League
gaffer knows our names.

- I know, right?
- Shut up, you twats.

I'm trying again. No help.

Right. So, if she hits the board,

I want it to sound like
we just won the FA Cup.

[CHEERING]

You wanna leave?

I don't wanna give him the satisfaction.

[RUPERT] So, Rebecca, it's
time to be friends again.

Especially since Bex and I
are gonna be sitting with you

every week in that owner's box.

I'm not going every week.

[RUPERT] Well, I am.

And, um, every week, when
they shove a camera in my face

and ask me how I think
you're doing, I will tell them.

It'll be relentless.

Mm.

So, Rupert, y'all take your darts
over here pretty seriously, huh?

This and, uh, what's the
billiard game y'all do

that sounds like a brand of cookies?

- Snooker?
- That's it. That's the one, yup.

Boy, I'd love to curl up on a
couch under a weighted blanket,

watch You've Got Mail and
devour a box of Snookers.

[TED CHUCKLES]

See what we got here.

Hey! There it is.

- Do you like darts, Ted?
- Oh, they're okay.

I'm more of a, you know,
cornhole man myself. Yeah.

- Oh.
- Huh.

How about a game?

We could, you know, maybe
wager, say, £10,000?

[PATRONS] Oh!

Well, as my doctor told me

when I got addicted
to fettuccine Alfredo,

that's a little rich for
my blood. [CHUCKLES]

Uh, how about this? If you win,

I'll let you pick the starting lineup

of the last two games of the season.

But if I win, you can't go
anywhere near the owner's box,

at least not while
Rebecca's still in charge.

- Ted.
- Mm?

What the hell are you doing?

I believe some folks
call it white knighting,

but I'm just following my gut here.

- It's okay.
- No. Ted.

- What do you think?
- You're on.

- Okay.
- Uh, double in, double out.

Whatever you say, Rupe-a-dupes. Yeah.

Just let me know if I'm
winning or losing, all right?

- [CHUCKLES]
- Oh, I forgot I had these on me.

[PATRONS GASPING]

Mm. Yeah. Oh, wait a second.

I forgot I'm left-handed.

- [GASPS, CHUCKLES]
- [PATRONS] Oh!

Oh, this is gonna be a hoot.

- So where are we going for dinner?
- It's a surprise.

Cool.

I need to ask you something.

So, the other day when you said

you were too busy to text me back...

Yeah, 'cause I was busy.

But you never told me what
you were too busy with.

Yeah, 'cause it was private.

Are you dating other people?

It's okay if you are.

It's just that I wanna know
so that I don't look stupid.

It was yoga, okay?

I do yoga with a group
of women in their 60s.

They have no idea who I am,

it's twice a week and it's
really good for my core.

Normally only takes an hour,

but Maureen's been
going through a divorce

and she needed to talk about
it and blow off some steam.

We all ended up at G-A-Y till 2:00 a.m.

and then we had crepes in
Balham with some drag queens.

Like I said, it's private.

I'm gonna kiss you now.

Unless it's gonna make
you run away again.

I know that you wanna take this slow

and I really do respect that, but it...

Maybe I could just touch
your arse a little bit

or you could touch mine...

[SHUTTER CLICKING]

- Where's your manners?
- [GRUNTS]

You're supposed to ask
before you take something.

For example, may I take this?

- No.
- Well, I'm fucking taking it.

Here. It's pictures of our first date.

Come on. I'm cooking for you.

[CHEERING]

[MAE] One hundred and eighty!

Well in, Rupert. Get in!

Shut your stupid little twat
mouth or I will shut it for you.

Shall I be giving you
the lineup card now, Ted?

I shall be putting Obisanya back
on defense where he belongs.

That's exactly what I said, didn't I?

Now, now, it's not all Ted's fault.

My ex-wife's the one who brought
the hillbilly to our shores.

I know she's always been a bit randy,

but I never thought she would
fuck over an entire team.

- [PATRONS GASPING]
- Hey!

Better manners when I'm holding a dart.

Please.

Hmm.

Mae. What do I need to win?

Two triple 20s and a bull's-eye.

[CHUCKLES] Good luck.

Mm.

You know, Rupert, guys have
underestimated me my entire life.

And for years, I never understood why.

It used to really bother me.

But then one day, I was
driving my little boy to school

and I saw this quote by Walt Whitman

and it was painted on the wall there.

It said, "Be curious, not judgmental".

I like that.

[PATRONS CHEER]

So I get back in my car
and I'm driving to work,

and all of a sudden it hits me.

All them fellas that
used to belittle me,

not a single one of them were curious.

You know, they thought they
had everything all figured out.

So they judged everything,
and they judged everyone.

And I realized that their
underestimating me...

[EXHALES] who I was
had nothing to do with it.

[CHUCKLES]

'Cause if they were curious,
they would've asked questions.

You know?

Questions like, "Have you
played a lot of darts, Ted?"

[PATRONS SHOUTING]

To which I would've answered, "Yes, sir.

Every Sunday afternoon at
a sports bar with my father,

from age ten till I was 16,
when he passed away".

Barbecue sauce.

[CHEERING]

- Good game, Rupert.
- Come on, let's go.

You are a very lovely consolation prize.

Rebecca, Ted, enjoy your evening.

Mae, as always.

- Holy shit, that felt good.
- [TAPS BAR TOP]

- That was fun. Yeah.
- [CHUCKLES]

- Only one thing left to do now.
- What's that?

Do I have to?

[SIGHS]

- Drinks are on me!
- [POUNDS BAR TOP]

- [CHEERING]
- [BELL CLANGING]

[SHOUTING]

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

Fellas, I could watch you do this
jaunty North Korean military thing

you do all day, but I need a favor.

We'll die for you, Coach!

That's a little dramatic, Sam,
but I see how you got there

with me invoking the military and all.

Now here's what we're gonna do.

How many of you fellas
ever seen Sesame Street?

[DOOR OPENS]

- Good morning, Higgins.
- Ah. Good morning. One sec.

Yeah, that's good. Straighten up.

- All right.
- [HIGGINS WHISTLING]

Oh! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hold on
one sec. Let me get in my spot.

Okay. Here it comes,
here it comes. Let's go.

Hi, Ted.

Can't hear you!

[SHOUTING] Hi!

- [TED] Yeah! Yeah!
- [PLAYERS CHEERING]

We felt it, she felt it!

That's what I'm talking
about. Yeah! Yeah!

- [CHUCKLES]
- [TED] Whoo! Got up too fast.

Ted embarrassed the hell
out of Rupert yesterday.

Oh. That's good.

Uh, bit of bad news.

Uh, we have ten thousand

unsold seats for the
final match of the season.

Release them to the visitors.

But Rebecca, Man City
will snap those up.

Our home stadium will
be a sea of sky blue.

[CHUCKLES] That'll kill Rupert.

[STAMMERS] It'll hurt our chances.

We're on the brink of relegation.

Just do it, Higgins.

Oh, you know, fuck off!

Excuse me?

I'm sick of it.

You won't take away your pain
by constantly punishing Rupert.

Where were these morals when
you were having lunches with me

so Rupert could have sex in our house?

I thought we were friends.

You had every opportunity to do
the right thing and you never did.

Fucking pussy.

You're right. I... I deserve to
carry that around. Um, I do.

I should've been braver, and
I'm... I'm sorry for that. I am.

But I'm saying this to you now. Stop it.

Or what?

I quit.

Oh, I know how this goes.

You'll come back, grovel for
your job, and I'll take you back,

but I will make your life
just that little bit worse.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[SIGHS]

[KNOCKING]

[EXHALES] Hi.

You arranged for the
photographer to take this.

Roy and I found it on a
paparazzi camera card.

He said you hired him.

Don't deny it or pretend
that you don't know.

Either you come clean to
Ted or I'll do it for you.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

[SONG CONTINUES]