All language subtitles for Just.For.Laughs.2022.The.Gala.Specials.-.Chelsea.Handler.2023.THE.GALA.SPECIALS.CHELSEA.HANDLER.2023.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC5.1-[YTS.MX]

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(laughing)

You're at JFL,
with Chelsea Handler.

Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

Starring Adam Christie,

Salma Hindy,

Sam Jay,

Vanessa Gonzalez and more...

with Chelsea Handler
at JFL.

(cheering)
(upbeat music)

Oh, yeah!

Hi!

Yeah!

What's up, Canada?

Thank you, thank you.
Hello to all my Canadians.

I am so excited that we get
to enjoy this togetherness

together tonight.
We are all survivors.

(cheering)

We all survived a global
pandemic with just enough time

to open our arms to monkeypox.

So, yip, hip, hooray!

And if I have to be somewhere
in this world,

I will say, it is always nice
to be here in Canada.

(cheering)

Isn't it great that women
can be funny now,

especially after we just got
our rights taken away?

(laughter)

(applause)

You know how it is, you guys.

You have a supreme court
up here too.

Yours just has way less sexual
assaulters than ours does.

(laughter)

Because Canada would never

demean women
the way the US does.

Never.

(cheering)

And that's why I spend
so much time up here,

for my sanity.

Anyone who knows me
knows I love to spend my winters

in Whistler where I ski topless
every year.

(cheering)

Thank you, thank you.

For my annual birthday video
where I hold a joint

and a Margarita,
which are also my passions.

(cheering)

People think that
it's just for fun,

but the truth is is that
I'm an American refugee.

(laughter)

And I'm here tonight
to beg Canada for citizenship.

(cheering)

For us Americans, Canada
is like that nerd in high school

that you didn't pay
attention to, you know?

And then, you get older
and wiser,

and then you run into him
years later, and you're like,

"Wow, that's the guy I should've
lost my virginity to

in the back
of a Cutlass Supreme.

(cheering)

And America is the football
quarterback that you slept with

in high school who has since
gained 60 pounds,

lost all his hair and gets
his COVID advice from Joe Rogan.

(cheering)

And Canadian men,
shout-out to you.

You guys are all
so much better-mannered

than your American
neighbours. Okay?

You will never find yourself in
an argument with a Canadian man

about wearing a mask
during a pandemic.

Well, unless you're
a truck driver.

(laughter)

And then, you have problems.

But most men up here
are just so polite

and less likely
to interrupt women.

And I want to say
thank you for that,

on behalf of all women.

Thank you for respecting us.

(cheering)

But enough about Canadian men
because as great as the men are,

this country's greatest natural
resource is the women.

(cheering)

That's right.

I've made so many
great friends up here.

And I like any country
where the men are mild-mannered

and docile, and the women
are badasses.

(laughter)

It's like the ancient Greek myth

about the Amazons:
a race of brave and courageous

war-like goddesses
who only needed men

for breeding purposes.

(laughter)

That's my kind of country.

It's like the Republican Party's
worst nightmare.

(laughter)

American women go to restaurants
and take pictures of their food.

They don't even eat.
They just pose with it

while their "Insta" boyfriends
get content for them.

Canadian women
will go out into the wild

and wrestle their dinner
to the ground.

And if you try to take a picture
of it, they will eat you.

(laughter)

Deep down, I feel like
a Canadian woman.

And I have the calf muscles
to prove it.

Every time I come up here,
I get closer and closer

to my true lesbian form.

(laughter)

And I know you've got
sophisticated city folk up here,

but I am not up here for that.

I am up here for the psilocybin
and to transition

into the full-mountain woman
that's been deep inside me,

shouting to get out.

I believe that there is nothing
in the Canadian wilderness

I couldn't survive because
I've been surviving the wilds

of show business
for years now.

I've had breakfast
in a private dining room

with Harvey Weinstein.

I've been alone in a hotel room
with Bill Cosby.

And I accidentally
once had dinner

with Woody Allen
and Soon-Yi Previn.

(laughter)

And I remember showing up
to that dinner, looking around

and thinking, "I can't do this,
as a woman,

sit here and have dinner
with this man. I can't.

I have to say something."

So... I bided my time
and I waited,

and I played nice
for the whole dinner.

And then, when the dessert came,
they handed him

some blackberry cobbler,
and as he took a bite of it,

I leaned over to him
and Soon-Yi and said,

"How did you two meet?"

(laughter)

(cheering)

If you see something,
you have to say something.

Enjoy your night!

(cheering)

(rhythmic music)

This next comedian describes
himself as an X-Men nerd,

not to be confused with those
really cool X-Men aficionados

who are always getting laid.

Please welcome Jay Jurden.

(cheering)

(rhythmic music)

Thank you.

Hell yeah!
Thank you so much, Montreal.

Let's get into it. Chelsea
already brought it up.

Let's talk about monkeypox.

(laughter)

First of all, I do not have it.

Secondly, if a Black person
does catch monkeypox,

please call it
something different.

(laughter)

Monkey?! Pox!

In 2022! And people are like,

"Oh no, it's called monkeypox
because it's from Africa."

You're making it worse.

(laughter)

You could call it anything.

You could call it
"not so small" pox.

You could call it "medium" pox.

Hell, you could even call it
"two" pox.

(laughter)
But monkey... pox?!

I originally
am from Mississippi.

Now, let me tell you something.

If you don't know anything
about Mississippi,

America talks about Mississippi
the same way that Canada

talks about America. Just...

(laughter)

A lot of tweets saying,
"Y'all okay down there?"

No, you're not. Now, whenever
you get on stage and you say

you're from Mississippi,
people instantly react.

One time, I got on stage,
said I was from Mississippi,

a guy in the front row said,
"Mississippi? Woo!"

I said, "Sir, I can see you.
Where are you from?"

He said Syria.
I was like, "Syria?!

(laughter)

Syria?! Come on, man!
Are you 'Syri-us'?

Come on, Syria!
Don't you have a civil war

you need to worry about?"

He looked at me, he said,

"Mississippi, don't you have

a civil war you need
to worry about?"

(laughter)

(applause)

I can tell I like this crowd
because I hear some fun,

straight girl laughs.
Straight girls!

(cheering)

Yeah!

Oh my gosh! Straight women,
we go way back.

Middle school. Now, straight
girls, I do have a question.

There's a recent phenomenon.
It's really picking my interest.

Why do y'all love...
what's the word...

fucking ugly dudes? What?!

(laughter)

What is the reasoning?
Do you know that being straight

doesn't have to be a dare?

You can... enjoy it.

And then, they will come up
to me after the show

about this joke and say,
"Well, Jay, I happen to like

my men a little ugly.
Right, babe?"

And this poor guy was like,

"You hear that?
She only said a little!"

(laughter)

They will brag to me
about their ugly man.

They'll say, "Well, Jay,
just so you know, me and my ugly

man, we are going to Paris."

I'm like, "Yeah, he's gotta get
back to the cathedral.

Those bells won't ring
themselves."

(laughter)

Y'all seem like y'all aren't
gonna cancel me for that joke.

I'm happy about that.
Every comedian currently

right now is so worried
about cancel culture.

Everyone's worried
about cancel culture.

Everyone... except for me.

(laughter)

Because, do you understand
how hard it would be

to cancel... me?

(laughter)

I'm Black, I'm queer,
I'm left-handed.

There are...

(laughter)

There are a lot of words
I can say.

Listen, if you want
to cancel me,

you're gonna have to be...

a bi-racial, lesbian...

who is also trans
and in a wheelchair.

And even then, even then,
even then, I'm gonna be like,

"Yeah, but how much money
do your parents make?"

Huh?

And she's gonna say,
"I'm adopted."

And I get to say, "Okay,
you win this round,

women's Hot Wheels."

Now, time-out. Time-out.

(laughter)

Time-out.

(applause)

I want y'all to know something.

That was me rolling her
into affordable housing,

not...

(laughter)

...off a cliff. Okay?

Because y'all have been

so sweet,
I will tell y'all a secret.

A secret that I have only told
thousands of other people.

(laughter)

I'm not gay.

I just wanna be marketable.

But I'm also not straight,
because I'm not a child. Right?

What's the best way
I can describe this?

I am queer,
as in everybody's hot.

Not gay, as in remind
the teacher we have homework.

I am...

(laughter)

I am bi, because it is 2022

and women also make money.

So that's where I am.

Y'all have been amazing.

I'm Jay Jurden.
Thank you very much.

(rhythmic music)

(applause)

(rhythmic music)

This next performer
is a Canadian Screen

award-winning writer
from Toronto.

And although he is a white man
in comedy,

you'll be relieved to know
he does not have a podcast.

Give it up for the one
and only Adam Christie.

(cheering)

(rhythmic music)

Hi!

Hello!

Hi!

I'm Adam Christie!

I'm a white man!

I write for TV!

I write for Canadian TV!

(cheering)

Oh yeah! Canadian T...
Soak it in!

Canadian TV! I get laid, dude!

I get laid, it's crazy.

I write for Canadian TV.
I get laid.

Nothing makes a woman hornier
than Murdoch Mysteries.

It's crazy. I'm doing cocaine
with the horses from Heartland.

It's nuts. Wow, hey,
what's good?

Hey, these guys are my vibe.
What's going on, dudes?

Hey, you two. Yeah!
What's up?

Hey, two white-beard...
pieces of shit. Hell yeah, dude.

This is cool.

How tall are you?

- 6'5.
- 6... 6'5?

6'1, 6'5.
Fuck you, dude.

(laughter)
Ha-ha, yeah!

Alpha, beta.

Hell yeah, heckler owned.
Let's get these up.

I was...
(chuckling)

I was so excited for this show,
for this taping,

and then I did a comedy show in
a small comedy club in Toronto.

And I bombed so hard,
like top three bombs

ever in my life.

And I come off stage
and I sit down

and I'm sad. And my friend
comes up to me

and he goes, "What's wrong?"
And I was like,

"Well, I have this taping
coming up.

And I just bombed."
And he goes, "Yeah."

And I go, "Don't say 'yeah'."

And he's like, "Adam,
what you don't know,

you weren't here for the first
part of the show,

what you don't know is
the reason why you bombed

is because half of the crowd
in there doesn't speak English.

They do not speak any English.
That's why you bombed.

So your taping is going
to be fine

because more than half
of that crowd

are a bunch of people
from Quebec."

And he goes,
"Where's your taping?"

And I say, "Montreal!

(laughter)

It's in Montreal, Quebec!

Oh, I'm sure there won't
be any French people at the

Juste pour rire Festival.

(laughter)

Very good!"

But you guys do speak
English, right?

You guys do speak English?

(cheering)

No response from that guy.
Hell yeah.

He was like, "We'll see,
asshole. We will see."

My life is good.
I got married, you know.

I got married,
and that's nice.

I'm not wearing my wedding ring,
actually, because I actually

lost it in the divorce.

(laughter)

So that's what's going on.

Can't wear that anymore.

But I have a girlfriend.
I love my girlfriend a lot.

I love her so much.
My girlfriend is older than me.

My girlfriend is older
than I am.

Which is a flaw.

It's one of her seven flaws.

And I... It doesn't
really matter.

I love that she's older
than me.

Sometimes, our frame
of reference is different.

Like, for example, do you guys
remember the show Gargoyles?

Remember the cartoon Gargoyles?

Who remembers the cartoon?

So my girlfriend
does not remember

the television show Gargoyles
because she was not a child

when Gargoyles
was on television.

And this really affects
our relationship...

whenever I wanna talk
about Gargoyles. Right?

And on her end,
her frame of reference for me

is that she's always telling me
to invest in war bonds.

(laughter)

My girlfriend's too...

I'm gonna break-up
with my girlfriend.

No, I'm not.
Here's a fact about me.

I've never broken up
with a girl in my whole life.

I've never done that.
All my years of dating women,

I've never done that.
I always let them do it to me

because I'm a feminist,
and that's a girl boss.

Every woman I've ever dated

is like, "Get the hell
out of my life!"

And I'm like, "Slay!

Slay, fierce, queen, ally."

(laughter)

I turn 35 this year,
which is nice.

I turn 35 right before
Saint Patrick's Day.

Which is the first one to go
when you're getting older.

It's the first holiday
that you stop celebrating

when you're getting...
Unless you're Irish.

Like, if you're
in your 30s or 40s

and you have a friend
that's like,

"What are we doing
on Saint Patrick's Day, dude?"

You're like,
"I don't know, Craig.

Raising your daughter?

(laughter)

Raise your daughter, Craig.
It's Wednesday, Craig."

I got a Waterpik
for my birthday.

That was my gift because
my girlfriend knows

that I don't like flossing.

So I got a Waterpik
for my birthday.

It's like an alternative
to flossing.

I got a Waterpik.

But I'm pretty sure
mine's broken

because mine's just been
shooting blood into my mouth.

(laughter)

If you laughed at that,
you have gingivitis.

(laughter)

I have anxiety.

(laughter)

Anybody else have anxiety?

(cheering)

Alright, okay.

Room full of cowards,
I see how it is.

Me too. I know I have anxiety
because doctor told

me that I have anxiety.

And I know that I have
bad anxiety because it was

a colonoscopy doctor
who told me I have anxiety.

I got a colonoscopy
and the doctor said,

"You have anxiety."
And I was like,

"What did you find in there
that told you that?

What's going on in...
You looked at my colon

and you saw fear?"

To be fair, whenever
I do fart, it makes the sound,

"Ah!" So that makes sense.

I have anxiety because
the world is bad.

It's bad there's global warming,
there's, you know...

Nazis are back.
That's fun. There's Nazis.

Why is there Nazi...
Why are there Canadian Nazis?

There's Canadian Nazis!
Cana...

The biggest loser sect of Nazis,
just like,

"Oh, friggin' right, bud.

Hitler's a fucking beaut,
eh? Right on. Jeez."

(laughter)

The world is bad.
There's racism and misogyny.

Air Bud. Uh...
Very misogynistic movie.

We gotta get Air Bud
because Air Bud is this film

about a basketball team,
and everyone on the team

gets injured, right.
Except for four players.

And the ref's like,
"You're gonna forfeit the game

unless you dress
another player, right."

And then, they're like,
"Well, what do we do?

Do we get one of the girls

on the girls' basketball team
to come play?"

And then, they're like,
"No, no. This dog!

The dog will play basketball.
No thank you, girls.

We have a dog. No, bad. Stop!"

And then, they win the game
with the dog

and the coach is vindicated.

He's like, "I told you,
women are bad."

And that's the moral
of the story of Air Bud.

Women are... Kamala Harris
will never be pres...

Joe Biden could die today
and they'd be like,

"Your next leader
of the Free World:

the dog from Frasier.
Give it up. Eddie."

I have to leave soon.
I don't want to.

I love you guys.

(laughter)

I wanna stay here forever.

(applause)

I hope you...

I wasn't... No, stop it.
You know, I'm going...

I'm going to,
but I love you.

Follow my career.
Be my fans.

(woman screaming indistinctly)

I tried to buy a house.

I tried to buy a house
in Toronto, Ontario, Canada.

I tried to buy a house.

And did you know...
that I can't do that?

(laughter)

Did you know there's no world
in which that I can do that?

That only people with rich
parents can own a house?

And those are the worst people.

I hate them.
I hope they all die.

And... Because they never
admit it.

People with rich parents
are always like,

"Oh yeah. We did okay."

And you're like,
"What does that mean?"

And they're like, "Oh, yeah,

my mom was an orthopedic surgeon

and my dad is a yacht."
You're like, "Okay..."

(laughter)

Don't have a house,
but I got a bidet.

Just got a bidet.
Two day... ordered on a bidet.

Very exciting,
just got a bidet.

Just installed it.
I was pretty excited.

Except I'm pretty sure
mine's broken

because mine's just been
shooting blood into my ass.

(laughter)

My name's Adam Christie.
Good night, everybody.

I love you, bye!

(rhythmic music)

(rhythmic music)

This comic is Black,
gay, and female.

Or as the US Supreme Court
calls her:

Public Enemy Number One.

(laughter)

Please welcome Sam Jay.

(cheering)

(rhythmic music)

Yo.

Give it up for Chelsea Handler
y'all, for real.

(cheering)

I fucking love her.
Like, I was a fan,

but then, she started
fucking 50 Cent,

I was like, "This bitch
gangster, nigga.

(laughter)

This bitch got it.

(laughing)

She the shit."

I, uh... I don't really fuck
with Montreal. Yeah, fuck y'all.

(laughter)

Yeah, fuck this place.

Last time I was here,
I was coming through

the Canadian TSA,
and they took my lotion.

Yeah, suck my dick,
suck my dick.

The Black TSA dude too.

Black... Black man
took my cocoa butter lotion.

American Black men know,
don't take the fucking...

They don't take
your fucking lotion.

They just give you
the lotion nod like,

"Go ahead, that's lotion.

Go ahead, you need that.
You need that."

You need more than 3.4 ounces
of fucking lotion.

That is such a white,
racist amount of lotion.

Such a racist law.
3.4 oun...

Not even point five.
Just give me half!

Give the point five!
No, point four for your

little white elbows.

(laughter)

It's sucker shit. I don't know
why I don't hear more

about lotion rights
when it comes to the TSA.

Quite honestly, it's such
a fucking upside-down law.

Like, you white, you white.

How much lotion
do you use, for real?

Regularly.

Little bit! Exactly!
You put a dollop

and you go all over
your whole body with it.

(exclaiming)

Lotion, everywhere.

I use a half a bottle
of 24-ounce lotion daily.

(laughter)

That is the normal Black rate
of lotion use.

3-point...
I put that on my fucking...

kneecaps and then I'm done.
(laughter)

I'm fresh out.

I had two bags of weed
in that same bag.

Two bags of weed.

We found lotion.
Give it to me.

Be ashy, bitch.
Fuck you... Montreal.

It's weird how just...
I was, I went to use
the men's bathroom here

because I do that sometimes.

Like if it's too...
I'm not dumb, it's dumb.

What are we doing?
Women are stupid.

It's stupid.
Women, cut it out.

It's pee. It's just pee.

That's all that's going on
in there, I promise,

I go there all the time.

It's just niggas peeing.
Nothing weird.

It's so dumb, you see a long
line for the women's bath...

And women just...
(groaning)

Ah! About to fucking explode.

Meanwhile, the men's bathroom's
empty and they're just like,

"No, I don't. I won't.

I won't go in, I don't know
what's in there.

Like, fucking toilets?"

Also, men are much cleaner.

You bitches are nasty,
by the way.

Men, you don't go
in the women's bathroom.

That shit is chaos.

I don't know what happens,
I don't know if that's just

where women let loose,

but boy oh boy, you go into
the women's bathroom,

they just be like, "Pad on the
wall. Blood on the floor.

We don't give a fuck in here."

You're like, "Whoa, bitch."

The fuck is going on?

The men's bathroom be tidy, actually,

it's just pissy smelling, it's
just smell like piss everywhere.

I recently, I recently went
to the men's bathroom

because I couldn't wait
in the women's line,

and when I got in there,
right, there was two urinals

and then there was a stall.

So there's two urinals and
there's a stall, right?

And if you've never been
in the men's bathroom,

you don't know this,
but a lot of times like,

when there's a stall,
they don't be having even

like a door 'cause men
don't give a fuck.

Like, they free as fuck.

And the only reason you would
even go into a stall

is to take a shit.
And I think dudes are just like,

"Well, you know what's
going on over here, shitting,

so if you don't want that,
don't be looking over here

or you're gonna see some shit
you don't want to see."

So I go in, I go in, and there's
only a urinal and...

a urinal available because
the other urinal's taken

and there's a dude peeing
in the stall.

I'm like, "Fuck, what do I do?"

'Cause I can't just go pee
in the urinal, not yet,

I've been practising at home,
but I'm not ready,

I'm not street ready,
you know what I'm saying?

I'm like, no, let me keep
this at the crib,

I'm not ready to bust
that thing out,

so I'm like, let me just wait
for the fucking stall.

And then the dude looked up
and saw me, he saw me.

And he was like, "Oh shit,
you got titties."

And I was like," Yeah, yeah,
I do got titties.

Where is this going?"

(laughter)

What's up, what we doin'?

And then he siphoned off
his pee, he just stopped peeing,

"whoop," caught his pee,

walked his dick
over to the urinal,

started peeing
in the urinal and said,

"Go ahead, shorty."

(laughter)

And all I'm saying
is chivalry ain't dead,
you know what I mean?

Men are good if
you let them be good, dog.

I was taking a piss
blushing like,

"You are so sweet."

Hey, y'all were fun, Montreal.

(applause)

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music)

I spoke earlier
about my love for Whistler

and if any of you have been
to whistler you will have seen

me on the slopes.

And when COVID was
at its first peak in 2020,

I wanted to go to Whistler
for an extended stay,

but couldn't figure out
the paperwork

to make it happen because you
Canadians are pretty strict

and your borders are
a little too tight.

So I thought of joining
a caravan of illegal

American immigrants who attempt
to cross the border illegally,

but I promised myself I would
never appear on Fox News.

(laughter)

(applause)

I even thought about hiring a
coyote, but then I remembered

I have a resourceful friend
from the States who told me

he could help me finagle
a work visa here in Canada.

My fixer, he's a celebrity,
and for obvious reason,

I'll keep him anonymous,
let's call him Kevin Hart.

(laughter)

Kevin was in Canada shooting
a movie and I saw him

on his Instagram back in
Los Angeles for Thanksgiving

and then the very next day
back on set in Canada.

And I called him, I said,
"Listen Fancy-Footwork,

I know you're up to something.
Can you help me out?"

He said, "No problem, Chel,
I got you, I got you,

give me 24 hours."
And then he went off to work

like a little Canadian visa elf.

I knew that he must have had
a trick up his sleeve

and given his cute
diminutive little form,

that sleeve couldn't be
very long,

so it wouldn't take long
for him to find it.

So 24 hours goes by
and I hear nothing.

Turns out that people
who do 63 movies a year

and six Mastercard commercials,
who also host

14 podcasts and film every
workout and ice bath they take

have other things on their mind.

Finally, I got a text
from Kevin.

He said, "I'm trying
to pull this off."

I said, "You are useless and
completely full of shit."

And he agreed.

And then he said,
"Just don't let anyone know
what you're doing,

just come in and out."

And I wanna say tonight here,
in front of my fellow Canadians,

that I ignored Kevin's advice

and I ended up doing
everything above board.

I got a work permit, I did
a full two-week quarantine,

unlike someone I know,
Kevin Hart.

(laughter)

But he doesn't worry about COVID
because it doesn't affect kids

or Kevin Hart.
(laughter)

But I'm not mad at Kevin,
he tried his best.

The point is, I got to Whistler
and I stayed there

for four spectacular months.

And after...
(cheering)

Yeah, it was pretty epic.

It was like an adult
spring break.

And after all of that hassle,
I found out that Canada

is one of the top ten
easiest countries in the world

to get a work visa.

The only thing I don't love
about Canada

is that every time
I come up here,

my family wants to tag along.

They don't seem to understand
that the reason I travel

is to get the fuck
away from them.

So I signed both of my brothers
up for the Proud Boys

to get them on a no-fly list.

(laughter)

I said my sisters
were the master minds

behind the trucker convoy.

And if anybody has
any other suggestions,

please DM me after the show.

My sister said,
"Just get us all visas."

I tried to explain to her that
getting everyone a visa

isn't like getting everyone
fast passes at Disneyland.

You actually have to wait
in line here.

Unless you know Kevin Hart.

(cheering)

This performer left being
a preschool teacher

in Texas for a career doing
comedy in nightclubs.

Why? Far fewer active shooters.

Please welcome,
Vanessa Gonzales.

(cheering)

This is so wild.
What's up, Montreal?

(cheering)
Oh my God.

I can't believe I get
to do this as a job.

Y'all are at my job right now.

Act right, okay?

It's super wild because
when I was young,

I didn't have any ambitions
or aspirations.

I didn't want to do
anything, y'all.

When I was in high school
and everyone wa graduating,

they were like, "What are you
gonna do after graduation?"

I legit was like,
"I don't want to do anything.

I guess I'll go to jail.

Or the army.

But the army makes you
do exercises, so jail, jail!"

Yeah, that's how dumb I was.

I thought jail sounded
like a good idea.

I was like, you know,
making pros about it,

I was like, "Okay,
well you get free rent,

um... free food, that's good.

Fingered all day.

Who doesn't want that? Right?

We all crave routine,

I think is what it is, yeah.

My mom prays for me a lot

because I'm a comedian,
you know? Fair.

And she sends me
religious memes every day.

And every time she sends
a religious meme, she says,

"Just want to send
a little help."

And I'm like, "Okay, well then
Venmo me, bitch, or..."

If you want to help...

I don't know who's making
these religious memes

and getting them to the moms...

But y'all gotta stop. Okay?

They don't even
make sense anymore.

I saw one that was a picture
of the Virgin Mary

and then, it just said,
"Treat yourself."

(laughter)

Is that from the bible or...

Yeah...

The last religious meme
my mom sent me though

was very concerning.

It was a picture of a very
glittery gay Jesus,

which I was on board for.

But then, the glittery
words said,

"When life gets
too hard to stand, kneel.

And wait for God to fill
you with blessings."

That's a BJ, right? Right?

That is a BJ.

I was like, "Mom, stop
sexting me please."

This is nasty.

On top of that, every Monday,
she sends out a Gonzales

family newsletter,
which is just a group text

to me and my two brothers.

But she titles it,
"Gonzales Family Newsletter."

And it always starts off with,
"Dear God."

I'm like, "Okay,
God's on the thread too."

I don't know how we got
that number.

"Dear God, may you please
send many blessings

to both of my sons this week

as they are both educators
and essential workers, God?

And you, more than anyone, know
how much blessings they need.

And if you have time, God,

may you please send blessings

to my only daughter, Vanessa,
who will be watching the movie

'Honey I Shrunk the Kids'
for the 25th time."

Thank you so much, y'all,
I'm Vanessa Gonzales!

(upbeat music)

(applause)

Our next performer
is not only a talented comedian,

she is also a very big deal
on Tik Tok and Instagram,

give it up for Atsuko Okatsuka!

(cheering)

Yes! Give it up for Chelsea,
everyone!

Oh, oh, oh, yes!
What's up, Montreal?

I love you! Yeah!

Oh my God, it's so great
to be here, oh, it's great.

I really almost lost myself
during the pandemic,

yeah, maybe you could relate,
you know?

I really almost did.
Like, I really thought

that I was gonna start
planting lettuce.

No, you too? No, I really
woke up one day thinking,

"Oh, I plant lettuce now."

And my husband had to remind me
that that's not my personality.

Yeah, he stopped me,
he was like, "Stop it,

you are not a farmer!"
I was like, "You're right.

You are right. I am
a Los Angeles comedian."

He saved me a lot of time.

Right? Possibly years,
from living out

someone else's identity,
you know?

Right? Yeah, or else I would
have never met you tonight

is what I'm saying, right?
I could still be out there...

Yeah. Yes. Thank you,
husband, yeah.

(applause)

I could still be
out there, right?

Living me new life, right?
Oh, lettuce, two for five.

And you might be like, "Well,
Atsuko, what are your interests?

What are your interests
if it's not farming?"

And it's like, I don't think
I particularly have any.

But hey, you know, that's also
a personality too.

Yeah, and that
should be empowering.

That should be empowering, yes,

my fellow basic person
who is clapping. Yes.

If you're like, "I also don't
have hobbies or interests!"

That's okay.

That's okay, yeah, you are still
a whole person, yes.

Yeah. 'Cause what, were we...

We were all going
to make sourdough?

No, think about it, we were
all gonna make sourdough?

We can't all be bakers, no.

'Cause someone's gotta be
the buyer.

That's how the economy works.

And I'm just saying,
that's me. Okay?

I have no skills, so I buy
your shit that you make.

You're welcome.

(laughter)

(applause)

I'll tell you what I'm really
going through, okay?

The other day, I was looking
through old family photos

when I was hit with the stark
realization that my father and I

have... the same body.

Yeah, it was a long night,
very lonely night,

there he was, oh my God, in his
20s and 30s, me and him,

same body. Same body, yeah.

And my husband, he's so sweet,
you know, he always tells me,

"God, you have such a hot bod."
You know, he's so sweet, just,

"God, you have such a hot bod,"
you know, he's so sweet,

just, "God, you have such
a hot bod."

And then he always asks,
"How'd you get such a hot bod?"

(laughter)

And now I know.

But I don't think I have it in
me to tell him yet, you know?

Yeah, I figure he'll find out
sooner or later, you know?

When we go to Bali to visit
my father where he lives.

Yeah... and we go to the beach,
you know...

(laughter)

And we're all
in our bathing suits...

And at some point,
my father and I will stand

right next to each other,

overlooking the ocean, you know,
with our hot bods.

And my husband will look over
at us and he'll be like,

"Wait!" And I'll be like,

"It's weird for me too.

It's weird for me too."

And it is weird for me,
it is weird for me

to find this out
after all these years, okay?

All this time, my dad too
would have looked good

in a belly button ring? Okay?

All those wasted moments
where me and my dad

could have been wearing
matching crop tops.

Showing off our sleek waste line
that we both apparently share.

Okay? And I should have known,
I should have known,

'cause one time my dad
did get cold,

so I let him borrow my jacket.

And I was like, "Oh my God,
you also look good...

in Urban Outfitters."

But I like to look
at the brighter side
of things, you know?

I was like, "Well now, my dad
and I could swap clothes.

I could wear his hand-me-downs.

You know, and...

It's not every day
that people can say

that they inherited
their dad's...

literal "genes".

(laughter)

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music)
(cheering)

Okay, your next comic once
went on a blind date

that was chaperoned
by her father.

And more recently,
she opened for yours truly

on a tour titled:
"Vaccinated and Horny."

(cheering)

Proving that being overprotective

of your kids never works.

Give it up for the amazing
Salma Hindy.

(cheering)
(upbeat music)

Chelsea fucking Handler,
everybody!

Montreal, how you doing?!

(cheering)

I'm so excited to be here.

A little about me, I grew up
with really overbearing parents,

like Chelsea said.

My parents are very,
very strict Muslim.

My father is an Imam.
Do you guys know what that is?

It's like the Muslim version
of a priest.

Just like, without
the pedophilia part.

But with all the misogyny,
don't worry!

Okay, wait, I want to get to
know you guys a little better,

show of hands, who here was not
allowed to go trick-or-treating

growing up?

Okay, the only other person
of colour, yes.

We're gonna start a club later.
Okay, none of you are invited.

It's called "Victims of
Halal-oween."

True story, till this day,
my dad still barricades

the doors and turns off
all the lights on Halloween

because he would rather us
fake our own deaths

than to have to interact
with white people

during their satanic holiday.

One time, he like,
accidentally opened the door

'cause he was waiting
for something

and this kid was like,
"Trick or treat!"

And he was like, "No!"

So that's the kind of house
I grew up in.

I recently actually moved
to New York.

Yes, this is the right reaction.

I was like, "Health care?

I don't want that.
None of that for me."

No, I moved for my career, but
I also moved to get some space.

I'm currently
in a "situationship".

Do you guys know what that is?
(cheering)

A lot of girls
are clapping, mm-hmm.

For those of you
who don't know what that is,

I met this guy a year ago and
I told him I really liked him

and he immediately
friend-zoned me.

So, I'm in this "situationship"
where it's like,

"Oh, we're just friends,
we're just friends."

But then, he took my virginity
a few weeks ago, uh...

Do you guys have
a friendship like that?

This always like,
splits the audience,

half the room is traumatized
and the other half is like,

"Congratulations!"

Okay, but the CDC
says it doesn't count

if he wasn't fully hard,
so I'm still a virgin!

Guys, I'm not gonna lie,
sex is a lot harder to get
than I thought, okay?

I wasn't led to believe that
it would be this difficult.

And it's weird because
in the west, we have freedom,

but men can't get hard.

And in the east,
they have no freedom,

but they know exactly
what to do, so,

I'm gonna have to wait till
either white men can get hard

or Egypt gets loose.

And that could take a while,
but my money's on Egypt though.

Thank you guys so much,
you've been so amazing.

Have a great night.

(upbeat music)

Oh, yes, give it up for
all the comedians tonight.

(cheering)

That is... That is the end
of our show tonight

and if we've made
just one person laugh

and go home with a new variant,
we have done our job.

So good night everybody,
thank you, Montreal!

(cheering)

Subtitling: difuze