All language subtitles for The.Simpsons.S30E09.WEB.x264-TBS-HI

♪

[SHRIEKS]

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

[BURPS]

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

[YELLS]

[BEEPS]

[TIRES SCREECH]

D'oh!

[GRUNTS]

[SNORING]

Sorry, no room. [SNORES]

♪

- Sync and corrections by ByDem -
- www.addic7ed.com -

I am a broccoli, I help keep you lean.

My head's on a stalk, and my color is...

- [AUDIENCE MEMBER COUGHS]
- Is...

Uh, is... uh...

Oh, come on, you little nitwit.

It's the color of your costume,
for God's sake.

Purple.

Get off my stage, out of my sight,

- and into your parents' car.
- Okay.

You'll never work in
second grade theater again.

Hooray!

Up next, the heartwarming story

of the origin of veal.

Hello, friend-o.

No, no! You promised
you would cut this scene.

No, no, I cut your scene
because you were such a noodge.

- Forget it. Show's over!
- Woo-hoo!

Ugh, fine.

Can I please get back
my after-show cupcakes?

- We already ate them.
- No!

Oh, I broke the cardinal rule,

never invest in your own production.

But I'm gonna take back my duct tape!

[GRUNTING]

And my bulbs. Ow, ow, ow. Hot, hot, hot.

Am I acting? No.

[GRUNTING] I'm stuck
in my pork chop suit.

I've become everything I hate.

Huh? Oh. Uh, you were
the best one, sweetie.

Wha...? I didn't even get to do my line.

Oh, I think I'm gonna cry.

[CRYING]: Oh, no.
I hate to see a pork chop cry.

[BOTH CRYING]

Ooh!

Green! Green. Green. Green.

Too late now, boy.
Just, uh, play with the siren.

[SIREN WAILS ON AND OFF]

76. 82. 79.

Homer, that's the weather.

HOMER: D'oh!

Homer, I want you
to do something with Lisa.

I am.

Isn't that right, honey? Oops.

You're not speaking to her
or even making eye contact.

Oh, you'd be surprised at the things

my eyes are in contact with.

Okay. Well, what is she doing right now?

Uh, uh... she's riding her pony?

Uh, uh... blowing her clarinet?

Ooh, ooh, ooh! Protesting a whale.

I'm reading To Kill a Mockingbird.

Now just remember, it's set
in the South a long time ago.

The terrible racism you're reading about

is now everywhere.

We're gonna shop at all
the stores you like

that have a chair I can sit in,
except the chair store.

I'm not allowed back there.

Kent Brockman here interviewing
three blue-collar men

who voted for Trump.
How do you feel now?

- Please stop interviewing us.
- Never.

Here's the store.

Let's get something sweet
for my little girl.

Sugar and spice and
everything... What the?!

"Twerking Girl"?

"Ho, Sweet Ho"? "Baby's First Thong"?

Those are just a few
of our high-end brands.

We also have "Call of Booty,"
"Raggedy Anorexic,"

"The Edge of 13," and, for boys,
"Jack the Stripper."

HOMER: Oh, for crying out loud.

Okay, that's it. I've heard
enough and three past that.

My daughter is still
a sweet little girl.

What the? Oh, come on!

My daughter's not a sex object.
She's a respect object.

Innocent girls.

♪

Knee socks.

♪

Grow up too fast.

♪

I will see you all in court.

♪

Hmm? Mm.

Dad, I'm seeing you through new eyes.

You've become the hero of my book.

The guy who kills the mockingbird?

No one kills a mockingbird.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, spoiler alert.

You're like Atticus Finch,

a modest, heroic man
who stands up for what's right.

Uh, yeah, sure.

And I love the way
you just made me feel safer.

[GASPS] She respects me.

This is even better
than the time the Milk Duds

in the vending machine knocked
down a 3 Musketeers bar, too.

Woo-hoo! Man beats machine!

Oh!

ATTICUS [ON TV]: Well, I think
that's all the reading

for tonight, honey. It's getting late.

What time is it?

8:30.

SCOUT: May I see your watch?

"To Atticus, My Beloved Husband."

Oh, black and white? The TV's broken.

Hey, we were watching that.

[SOUTHERN ACCENT]:
Why, look, it's Bart Simpson

in his short pants on the davenport.

Are you nuts?

Homer is my hero.

Say it in American.

[NORMAL VOICE]: He stood up for me.

It was magnificent.

- I wish my dad was a hero.
- Wish granted, son!

Now let's move it.

If I hand out 5,000 flyers,
I get all the turkey shreds

I can dig out of the slicer trap.

And dig I will. [CHUCKLES]

Well, I don't care if Dad's your hero.

You know whose hero I am?
Maggie's. Come here, girl.

Okay, the dog's your hero,
but I'm your human hero.

Fine.

But I'm your living human hero.

Are you saying I'm dead?
Put up your dukes.

Now put up my dukes.

Now take down your dukes. [GRUNTS]

I'm the greatest!

Oh... someone put down my dukes.

♪

LISA: I'd always liked my dad,

but this was something new
and wonderful.

I admired him.

The way he'd take me to
the science museum once a year.

D'oh!

D'oh!

And now we get ice cream.

- Hmm.
- Mmm.

Oh, sweetie, it's starting to melt.

Daddy will give you a little help.

A little more help.

A little more. A little more.

Oops. Oh, Daddy ate yours.
You can have mine.

- Thank you.
- Now let Daddy...

I got it.

And he inspired me in school.

The second grade was grim,

but Jem assured me that the older I get,

the better school would be.

Who says my class is grim? Who's Jem?

What are you talking about?

That's from To Kill a Mockingbird.

Page 67. The book
you assigned us to read.

I assigned you to read
the Wikipedia article.

LISA: But my brother was not so happy.

Mom, why can't we be like that?

[LISA AND HOMER LAUGHING]

Well...

[HUMMING]

[SPITS] I taste blue.

Yeah, okay.

- [HACKS]
- [GROANS]

I tell you, guys,
having a kid that likes you

is the greatest feeling in the world.

I never got along with my old man.

He was always disappointed
I didn't follow him

in the family business.

- What did he do?
- He was editor of Life magazine.

- I thought that was defunct.
- Eh, he keeps saying a real son

would've bought it out of bankruptcy

and launched it as a digital platform.

Well, angel funders
want too much equity.

Sorry, Dad.

[SIGHS] Yeah, my dad left
when I was most vulnerable,

the day after Mom left.
That was a tough week there.

[CRYING]

Not a good time to film a commercial.

Don't worry, we'll take these cameras

and we'll make a Netflix documentary.

They will buy anything!

[MARGE HUMMING]

For dessert, I made blackberry pie.

Oh, I made Dad a blueberry pie.

Oh, what to do, what to do?

In the words of King Solomon,
I shall eat two pies.

I don't think King Solomon said that.

Maybe it was a king salmon.

The point is, pies are good.

Homer, I think Bart could use
a little attention.

[SIGHS] Give attention to Lisa,
give attention to Bart.

What am I, made of attention?

Okay, because of budget cutbacks,

you got 45 seconds each.

40 after the explanation. You, get in!

What you're experiencing is a phenomenon

known as transference,
where you project your feelings

towards your mother
onto your art teacher.

Anytime you find yourself
wanting to hug Mrs. Hakamuchi,

- snap this rubber band on your wrist.
- Ow.

- [TIMER DINGS]
- Next!

What are you waiting for?
I'm here for an hour,

then I'm off to 14 other schools.

I eat lunch in my car
'cause they won't let me

counsel kids with food in my mouth.

Well, I always thought
my dad was a big fat loser

until he started giving
attention to my lame-o sister.

So why do I want his attention now?

Why does this hurt?

Family members are locked into roles.
Change that, and what do you get?

Resentment and acting out.
Acting out can take many forms,

from pouting to armed robbery.

- Time's almost up.
- So, what do I do?

You have no choice.

Act out until somebody
pays attention to you.

- [TIMER DINGS]
- Next!

Okay, couples therapy.
You got 90 seconds.

BOTH: I'm the oldest,
and she won't admit it.

Milhouse, I'm about to act out.

After we leave an envelope
full of guilt.

Also, we're stopping by the photo booth

- and the perfume room.
- Enough.

[READING IN HEBREW]

[GROANS]

Come on, sweetie, pick up the pace.

The sushi's been sitting out
for an hour.

When Willie turned 13, it was
time to work in the mines.

It's go time.

[WHEEZING]

Help. My friend's having
an asthma attack.

Not yet, Bart. This is a real one.

- [GRUNTS]
- Even better.

[WHEEZING]

Please, we've got to get him
to the hospital.

Wow. I'm gonna meet a nurse.

[BICYCLE BELL RINGS]

[SHAUNA READING IN HEBREW]

And now we're gonna party
like it's 5799.

Wait, wait, wait.

Before you leave, I am going to talk.

And I'm going to tell you
a very long joke.

Please stand.

So, an old rabbi was
confronted with squirrels

in the attic.

Get to the punch line
or your son flunks geometry.

He gave the squirrels a bar mitzvah

and never saw them in temple again.

Amen.

[ANGRY CHATTER]

I don't drive a minivan.

Do I look like a suburban
soccer mom from Phoenix?

Well, sometimes, when you're tired.

- Shut up!
- I should be first.

I own a Tesla.

Those are my keys.

Prepare for the boning of your life.

[GRUNTS]

[SHOUTING]

To repeat, I own a Tesla,
and I'm going to use "summon."

[ALL GASP]

Who is responsible
for this meshugana behavior?

- He did it.
- [GASPS]

Oh...

Hey, Mr. Cunningham.

I said hey, Mr. Cunningham.

I didn't do it. Nobody saw me do it.

They know I did it. Protect me, Dad.

SCOUT [ON TV]: Don't you
remember me, Mr. Cunningham?

I'm Jean Louise Finch.

[SHOUTING]

Where's your boy?

[SOUTHERN ACCENT]:
What's your hurry, friend?

Now, Homer, don't you try to disarm us

with your genteel mannerisms
of a bygone era there.

Why, I haven't a notion as to what
you are importuning, good sir.

[ANGRY CHATTER]

[GUNSHOT]

[SOUTHERN ACCENT]:
Excuse me, Mr. Szyslak.

Mr. Szyslak, we know you.

My father likes to drink at your bar.

You can't say hi to me?

[SOBBING]

And how 'bout you, Chief Wiggum?

I go to school with your boy, Ralph.

Give my regards to Ralph,
would you, please?

All right, let's go, people.
They've defused us.

Everyone get, uh,
get one last mutter in.

[ALL MUTTERING]

Oh, Lisa, sweetie, you saved me.

No, Dad, you saved us all

with your calmness and bravery.

- Thanks. Just one thing.
- Yes, Dad?

Don't tell your mother about the mob

that almost killed your brother.

She's taken a liking to him.

MARGE: The what?

You're hearing things
in the shower again, Marge.

Oh, okay.

- [GUNSHOT]
- WIGGUM: Sorry.

Okay, Maggie, you give me your binky,

and I'll give you this
substitution bear doll.

You can't beat addiction, Marge.

I got addicted to Agatha Christie books.

I always thought the murderer
was that know-it-all Belgian.

Turns out, he was the detective.

41 books, and I never saw it coming.

- [LISA GROANS]
- [GASPS]

- What happened?
- Got in a fight.

Why? What did the other kid do?

Said Dad was lazy and incompetent.

And where is this other kid?

- Yo.
- [GASPS]

You got in a fight with your brother?

I won a fight with my brother.

- Liar.
- Let's go again.

Stop her, Mom.

[MARGE GROANS]

To combat bed-wetting, doctors recommend

shifting times for drinking,
scheduling bathroom breaks,

and being encouraging.
I'll deny having said this,

but the next time you wet
your bed, have 'em spank you.

- Next.
- [TIMER DINGS]

Wait, you're not a kid. Doesn't matter.

You've got 45 seconds. Go.

I'm worried that my daughter
is ruining her family

idolizing her father.

I see. Wow. Marge, it's totally normal

for a little girl to be
infatuated with her father.

It's safe and comes from a good place,

and when it ends, it's another
thing she'll blame you for.

Yes, well, I'm afraid
my husband isn't always

a perfect influence.

Marge, I've got a legal matter
to deal with.

I'll be outside.

Also, I'm worried that my son
is feeling neglected.

Your husband has to give your
daughter the perfect speech,

which lets her down
but doesn't snap her in two.

And make sure you don't
have any more kids.

Sounds like it'll be a disaster.

Whoa, nice to meet you.
See you in three years.

- [TIMER DINGS]
- Now, good-bye.

- Homer?
- Huh? What?

Homer, it's sweet that
Lisa idolizes you,

but I think it's gone too far.

You're right.

Tell her she's right.

I just did.

I'm on a five-second delay.

The kids are at each other's throats.

Look, you can't be my dog
and hers; pick a side.

You can't hide in there forever.

- [TOOTS]
- [BARKING]

Okay, I'll talk to Bart,
you talk to Lisa.

We've got to put this family
back in place.

Okay. Why do you always tell me

the most important things just
when I'm about to fall asleep?

Because I think the pillow talk
between a woman and her husband

is the most important...

What? How did I wind up in church?

What's wrong, sweetie?

I've got that terrible feeling
where I'm almost

at the end of a great book,

and once I finish, it's over forever.

Well, that's kind of what
I wanted to talk to you about.

You and I have had a lot of fun
these past few weeks,

but you aren't always gonna
look up to your dad

as much as you do now.

Bup, bup, bup. Great man,

there is nothing you could do
to make me lose one iota

of respect for you.

♪

When I was a kid,
I wanted to be that guy,

but now I can't fit behind a door.

You'll discover I'm not
the perfect man you think.

Okay, I'll finish my book.

But always remember you're my dad,

and I'll never forget the way you and...

Damn it.

I'm home!

[SIGHS]

She's moved on,

which, let's face it,
is the way things should be.

Kids grow up, daddies die,

and then the wind whispers, "Why?"

Oh, I don't know. I've been hurt before.

I don't want to mess you up
by getting close to you.

Aw.

No problem.

Marge, get in here.

Okay Bart, because we treasure you too,

I'm gonna let you do one thing
just for yourself.

Kick Homer in the butt?

Uh, why don't you give it some thought.

Kick Lisa in the butt.
Have a birthday party every day?

Never brush my teeth again.

Be homeschooled by the dog.

Drive a tank through Skinner's house.

Open a casino in the basement.

Have an affair?

- You haven't decided yet?
- Don't rush me.

Convert my Roth IRA to a 401K?

Have an affair?

Take a mulligan?

Okay, I've decided.

I'll kick Homer in the butt.

You can kick it if you can find it.

D'oh.

♪ Well, they say ♪

♪ Time loves a hero ♪

♪ But only time will tell ♪

♪ If he's real ♪

♪ He's a legend from heaven ♪

♪ If he ain't, he was
sent here from hell ♪

♪ Hear me well ♪

♪ Seein' ain't always believin' ♪

♪ Just make sure it's the
truth that you're seein' ♪

♪ Eyes sometimes lie,
eyes sometimes lie ♪

♪ They can be real deceivin'. ♪

- Sync and corrections by ByDem -
- www.addic7ed.com -