All language subtitles for The.Goldbergs.S06E01.WEBRip.x264-ION10.

ADULT ADAM:
Growing up as a kid
in the '80s, I loved movies.

Not just making them,
living them,

from unforgettable classics
like "Ghostbusters"

to the action-packed saga
of "The Karate Kid."

But my all-time faves
were the movies

from legendary director
John Hughes.

I got weird like
"Weird Science,"

had an epic day off
like Ferris,

even joined
The Breakfast Club.

But on my 16th birthday,
no movie felt truer

than the John Hughes
masterpiece "Sixteen Candles."

You need 4 inches of bod
and a great birthday.

ADULT ADAM: Lucky for me,
I had all the bod I needed.

In fact, this birthday
was gonna rock.

I can't believe this.

They forgot
my birthday.

Oof.
That's gotta sting.

ADULT ADAM: Yep, my mom
always remembered.

Birthday boy sighting!

Ah!
There's my little
birthday Schmoo.

Happy birthday, Schmoo.

ADULT ADAM:
And when it came
to my birthday,

I got all the attention,

until the year I didn't.

You are not getting married
to Lainey Lewis.

You are a high-school senior
and a tiny boy.

And you need a job!

First, you drop out of college
to be a rock star?

Now you're back here
driving up my electric bill!

You will get married
over my dead body.

And shame on you
for not even consulting

your one true lady love
of your life, which is me.

And look at you.

Using my stove
and my light bulbs

like you're some sort
of Norwegian royalty.

You can't be a husband.

You are still
my baby Barry.

Those beautiful
blond bastards!

They did nothing to help us
during the war.

Murray, stop.
You're on a bad tangent.

Just focus on how
she's breaking our hearts.

Um, sorry to interrupt
your morning rage-a-thon,

but does anyone have anything
they want to say to me?

Not everything's
about you,

golden child
who can do no wrong.

Really?
Nothing else?

Ow!
That thing has walnuts!

Oh, Adam,
I almost forgot.

ADULT ADAM:
I knew she'd remember.

It was birthday gift time.

I bet it's that fancy
editing machine I wanted.

Here's $3.

I was so busy crying
about your brother
taking a child bride

that I didn't
make you a lunch.

It's shepherd's pie
at the cafeteria today!

That's the worst of
all savory pies.

And no bananas till you make
a poop-ila in the pot-ila.

But what about my...

ADULT ADAM:
Turns out, I really was living
"Sixteen Candles" after all.

I can't believe this.

They
forgot my birthday.

* I'm twisted up inside

* But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say

* I don't know the future

* But the past keeps getting
clearer every day *

It was September 26,
1980-something.

Barry was happily engaged,
but no one was angrier

than his future father-in-law.

Hey, Billy boy.
Here to yell at the kids?

Bingo!
Hope it's okay,

but I've written some
really terrible things

to say to Barry in order
to scare him off.

You did some homework.
Good on you.
Yeah.

Full disclosure...
I attack his
physical appearance

in a very unchristian way.

I mean, it's no way

for an adult to speak
to a child.

Hey, go big
or go home, right?

Wrong!

All of our anger, guilt,

and emotional terror
only makes
the kids dig in deeper.

We have to rethink
our tactics.

With your blessing,
I am willing
to fistfight your son.

I mean,
something like this.

An open house?

The Goodmans down the street
are moving.

I think it's time
I show those kids

the harsh realities
of being actual adults.

And we can put a samurai sword
on this wall.

Shark tank, shark tank,
shark tank.

Boom!
Seven more shark tanks!

Bar, where am I gonna hang
all my guitars

if every wall is full
of swords and sharks?
You're right.

Mom, we're gonna need
a bigger, wall-ier house,

but we appreciate the offer
to buy us this one.

Oh, I'm not buying you
this house.

I brought you here
to show you

how much it would cost you
to buy it.

$37,000?
Are you friggin' kidding me?

We can't afford that.
We're just dumb kids!

Exactly.

You're kids without
degrees or jobs.

You're not ready
to take on this kind
of adult responsibility.

Okay, so maybe we can't
afford this house

with its embarrassing
number of walls.

All that matters is
I'm crazy in love
with this girl right here.

Aw, my big,
hairy monster.

We can live in some tiny,

shark-tankless apartment,
for all I care.

As long as it's me,
Lainey,

and our four snuggly
little kids.

Okay, there is no way
I'm gonna let y...

Oh, my God.
Did you say kids?

Can you imagine all those cute
little Barrys running around?

Aww.

Aww.
Aww.

Why is she aww-ing
with us?

I don't know.
Little Barrys.

Oh, with the curly hair

and the squishy,
husky baby body

and the not being able
to ride the bus to camp

'cause you're so emotionally
out of control.

Ah!

ADULT ADAM: In that moment,
Lainey discovered my mom's

one true weakness...
the promise of grandkids.

That's right!

Can you imagine all those
cuddly little baby Barrys?

I'm imagining it
so hard right now.

That's good!

But the only way to get them
is to get us married.

Oh, no, you're not
getting married.

But... But how soon
could you get married

and give me
little Barrys?

What are we even
talking about right now?

Bar, we're talking about
the sooner we get married,

the sooner your mom
becomes a grammy.

Bubby. Oh, I want to be
a bubby so bad!

Oh!
Now I get it.

Would literally kill
my friends with envy.

That's my dream.
Yes.

This is very exciting,
but let's manage expectations.

This baby thing
is a ways off.

Yeah,
it could be decades.

But it'll for sure
happen one day.

Oh,
one day is so close.

Oh, I can almost taste
the baby in my mouth.

Muh-muh-muh.

Oh!
That's a tasty baby.

Oh, I'm gonna
eat your foot.

Baby foot
is my favorite!

I'm gonna put ketchup
on the baby foot.

Told you I could get her
on board.

Although I may have concerns
she wants to eat our baby.

Come on.

Wait. They all forgot
your birthday?

I always thought
"Sixteen Candles"

was a delightful
comedic premise,

but when it happens to you,
it's more shocking
and hurtful.

Well, your family
may not love you at all,

but guess who does.

Man, you guys just get me.

Even if that
isn't my locker.

Wazzat?

Who put this old green talking
puppet dog on my locker?

It's Yoda.

How do you not know Yoda?
He's awesome.

But I refuse to find
common ground with you turds.

And here I thought this year,
we might actually find our way
out of the social basement.

Wait! Maybe you living
"Sixteen Candles" can help us.

You're finally under
your parents' radar.

Let's use this chance to throw
a big-ass birthday rager.

Come on. We have no idea
how to throw a rager.

Lucky for you,
John Hughes already taught us.

We're gonna relive
all of the classic

"Sixteen Candles"
party moments.

Like what?
I'm talking
beer-can pyramid.

Pizza on the record player.

Irreparable house damage!

Somehow, foam
gets in your vents.

Toilet paper trees.

And, obviously,

a dweeb will be imprisoned
in your glass coffee table.

But what about...
Long Duk Dong?

No! There will be
no discussion
of the Donger.

I'm trying to...
Say he's hilarious?
Well, he's not.

Get off your totally warranted
soapbox, Dave Kim.

I'm trying to say
I'm in.

Sweet!
So, where do we begin?

No clue, but I do know
the coolest person alive

who knows everything about
throwing a badass bash.

BOTH: Erica.

Better.

You want a birthday rager,
kiddo?

I'll throw you one
that'll make you plotz.

Sweet!
So, whatcha thinking?

We pull out
all the stops.

I'm talking martinis,
dollar stogies, fan dancers.

Ooh. I got an in with
the Shorty Flanders Trio.

Yeah,
we'll go to Erica.

ADULT ADAM:
And so I turned to my sister
for an electrifying rager.

But turns out Erica
was dealing with

some electrifying issues
of her own.

For the love of crap!

I just got
the electricity bill,

and my dad is
gonna kill me.

Okay, calm down.
I'm sure it's not that bad.

It's $906.

"For the love of crap"
is right!

That's so bad
and so wasteful!

Excuse you.
How am I wasteful?

Oh, I don't know. Maybe
'cause you and your drummer

have incredibly indulgent
energy needs?

Uh, we have to run
the A/C and fans 24/7

'cause our tons of equipment
runs, like, super hot.

Yeah, but do you really
need the sign?

Do you not want people
to know the name of our band,

unsupportive Geoff?

Look, your dad
is gonna kill you.

My dad's gonna kill me.

I'm gonna be
the most hated kid
in this house,

even more than Barry,
and he's a high-school groom.

Okay, all we gotta do
is come up with a mature,

adult way to solve this.
Erica!

I need your help to throw
a reckless high-school party

that Mom and Dad
can never know about.

I'll do it.
Seriously?

For my special guy?
Of course.

Throwing a party is incredibly
risky, and if you get caught,

Mom and Dad will be livid,
and you'll be the worst kid

in the house, not me.
No, no, I get it.

I can't believe
you'll throw me a party.

I thought you forgot
all about today.

I don't totally follow,
but I'm on it.

First, I'll get Mom and Dad
out of town

so they won't return tonight
and catch you red-handed.

No, I get it.
High school's gonna
be as awesome for me

as it was for you.

Thank you, Erica.
Don't mention it.

This timing could not
be more perfect.

No need to look my direction.
I know what's happening.

ADULT ADAM: With that,
my legendary party was on.

As for my dad and Bill,
they were praying

Barry and Lainey's
wedding was off.

There's our mad genius.

Did the kids finally learn
how terrible marriage is?

Better.
I'm gonna be a bubalah,

which means we gotta get
those kids married right away

so I can get me
a tasty baby.

A baby?

What kind of backwards,
mixed-up talk

did you have
with those kids?

All right,
don't get all worked up.

It's not gonna happen
right away.

We ran the numbers.

It'll be anywhere from 10
to three to two years.

No!
Hey, what ever happened
to the Bevolution?

You know, finding your way
without our kids?

I hereby suspend
the Bevolution.

Viva la Bubby-lution!

You can't just put "lution"
at the end of a word

and make it be a thing.
Oh, it's a thing.

And since we're all
so excited about it,

we should go out
and celebrate.

You know the best place
to celebrate whatever's
happening here?

Atlantic City.

It's far enough to get away,
but close enough
to be home by 10:00

and see what's happening
here at the house. Okay, bye!

Yes.
Atlantic City.

That is the perfect place
to honor this joyous
baby engagement.

What the hell
just happened?

She was supposed to scare 'em
off with an open house,

and now we're eating
in another state!

I'll tell you
what just happened.

Our moron kids
are brilliant.

They used the baby card
against us.

I hate the baby card.

Also,
what's the baby card?

I'm so scared and upset,
Murray!

Why, hello,
angry fathers.

Guess who just got
Beverly Goldberg

on board
the wedding train.

Do you know
what a can of worms

you two just opened
by promising
that yenta grandbabies?

Face it, you lost.

Now that Mom's excited
about our foolishly
impulsive wedding,

you have to accept it.

The curly-haired
sack of flour's right.

Beverly Goldberg
always gets her way.

But at what cost?
BEVERLY: Yoo-hoo!

Look at all this
adorable stuff I've had

hermetically sealed
in the garage.

You're gonna need this,
for sure.

It's Barry's baby helmet.

Yay!
Great.

Not only are we
having a baby,

but its head's gonna be
all cattywampus.

Cheese and crackers.

Ooh, look at this sign!
Aww!

I'm gonna put it in
the station wagon

for our trip to AC.
No need!

After all, there is literally
no baby on board.

Not yet. But there
is a bubby on board.

ADULT ADAM: With Bubby
officially on board,

it was Atlantic City or bust!

Nothing could stop them.

Meanwhile, my big birthday
rager was off with a bang.

It had all the highlights
from "Sixteen Candles,"

but I discovered
when it's your house,

it's not nearly as fun.

Check us out!

We're fancy, big-haired
ladies, like your mom.

ADULT ADAM:
Just when I thought no more
damage could be done...

...actual damage was done.

Oh, man.
Bench press got away from me.

That's my bad, Alden.

My name's Adam,
and your weightlifting mishap

just caused major
structural damage to my home.

There's a throw rug up here.
I'll chuck it over the hole.

Why did John Hughes make this
seem so whimsical and fun?

Help me!
I'm a human person!

Even Long Duk Dong
had more dignity than this!

ADULT ADAM:
The engagement celebration in
Atlantic City was under way,

but Lainey's dad
wasn't feeling so lucky.

Dealer has 21 again.
Why?

Better save some money
for the wedding, Bill.

In that case,
I'd like to go all-in.

Well, his day's about
to get a lot better,

because look what I bought
in the gift shop.

Oh, wow.
That's for a baby,

which is weird
'cause we were very clear

that's a long,
long way off.

But we blink,
and then baby's here,

and then there I am,
right next to you
on my mom cot.

Mom cot?
Oh, no, not the mom cot.

What does he know?
What's a mom cot?

It is a cot that sits
smack against your bed

so when you get tired,
you just hand the baby
directly to me.

Wait. You actually expect
to sleep in the same room
with us?

Trust me, you'll be thrilled
to have a bed bubby

when it comes time
for burping,
bathing, and poopy diapies.

No way, Mother.

You are never to set foot
in our hypothetical home!

I have a copy of the key,
right, Murray?

She made a secret copy.

Barry,
can we chat outside?

I need some fresh air
right now.

Dealer has 21.

I lost two grand,
and it's still the best thing
that happened to me today.

ADULT ADAM:
Bill wasn't the only one
on a losing streak.

I had completely lost control
of my epic party
I no longer wanted.

Yo! There's the host
with the most.

Hope you're digging
your kick-ass party.

For sure, but also,
I don't want the party.

What?
Take the party!
It's your party.

You asked for the party,
so the party's yours.

Come on. We all know
it's your party.

He's right, Erica.
General consensus is,
it's your party.

No, no, that can't be
the narrative.

It is very important
that this is
clearly designated

as Adam's party.

Hey, everyone,
let's give it up
for the one person

who we all know is definitely
throwing this party.

We love you,
Alden Goldfinch!

Alden.

See? They're almost
chanting your name.

Enjoy your party.

You're the man, Alden.

Okay, your mom is really
freaking me out

with her cute onesies
and "Baby On Board" signs

and celebratory
casino buffets.

I'm sorry, but this
can't be my life!
What are you saying?

I'm saying I love you,
but having Beverly Goldberg

as a smother-in-law
will be an utter nightmare.

No! Don't trust
your instincts!

Come on.
A romantic pushcart ride

will remind you at the end of
the day, it's just you and me.

There's my sweet
little lovebirds.

Gah! She found us.

Come on.
Scoot your booties.
Ow.

You've got to try
some of this delicious taffy.

Can't do it.
Where's she going?

I can't finish this taffy
all by myself.

Forget the taffy!

You literally just drove away
the love of my life.

Don't worry. Mama will talk to
her, and I'll fix everything.

There is no fixing this.

And it's not just Lainey.

Any girl I date
will realize

you're part of the package
and run for the hills.

So, you're saying that I will
shake the foundation

of all my kids'
relationships

just 'cause I wanna be
a little bit involved?

Is that what
you're saying?
Yes.

Mark my words...
I will never have babies,

which means you'll
never be a bubby.

Don't you dare
un-bubby me.

Oh, you've been un-bubbied
but good.

ADULT ADAM: As Barry
was ditching my mom,

I was ditching my own party
to have some real fun.

What the hell, man?

Seriously, what am I
looking at right now?

The adventurous board game
Fireball Island.

No, I mean you made
a designated nerd area

in the middle
of your awesome party.

Yes, and it's your party.

Not according
to this sign.

Here, tape it
to your chest.
No, thank you.

I'd rather just hang
with my actual friends

who know my actual name.

You can't just beg me
to throw you an awesome rager
and then give it back.

Okay,
I didn't beg you.

You did it
'cause it's my gift.

Gift

* Happy birthday to you

* Happy birthday to you

* Happy birthday, dear Alden

* Adam

* Happy birthday to you *

Oh, I wish I had that
information before
I did what I did.

What did you do?
What didn't I do?

This is gonna tickle you.

I may have, uh,

set you up to distract
Dad from my irresponsible
energy usage.

What?
I didn't know
it was your birthday,

so if anything, it's on you
for having big secrets.

This is not a regular cake,
you know.

This thing melts.

How could you do this?

The one thing I wanted
was to be awesome

like you were
in high school.

Now all I'll be
is some dude named Alden

who's grounded
for the year.

I messed up, okay?
I'll make it all better.

I promise, you can still be
awesome just like me.

No. The last thing I'd ever
want is to be some selfish,

drop-out loser like you.

You don't mean that.

I really do.

Adam!
Come on, open up.

Yeah, little nerd, open up!

This party sucks!

ADULT ADAM:
After our mom had destroyed
Barry's engagement,

he figured he didn't have
anything else to lose.

Evening.
I'd like a root beer
and a marker for $10,000.

Nice try, moron. You're not
old enough to be in here.

Yeah, old enough to steal
my little princess

and saddle her with
a crooked-headed infant.

Actually, Lainey bolted.
She's gone for good.

Hot diggity-dog!
I'm the luckiest man alive!

I just lost
so much money,

but I'm walking on sunshine
over here!

Wait a second.
Lainey's gone?

Mom ran her off
with her terrible ways.

I'll help you find her.
Help him?

We're on
the one-yard line, Mur.

I'm sorry, but if Barry's
gonna break up with Lainey,

it's gonna be
because he's a moron,

not because his mom
is an overbearing nudge.

You really believe I can
screw this up on my own?

I know you can.

Now let's go find Lainey
and make this
temporarily right.

No, Mur, no!
We're so close!

Double zeroes!
We got a big winner.

Not now!
I'm in a crisis here!

Please, open up!

This ponytail is the source
of all my power!

Close your eyes.
I got this.

I love you.

Ew. You're not hot
anymore.

Adam, I'm coming in.

Oh, come on!

Who am I now?
I'm hideous!

Little trick
I learned in college.

Well, I locked my door
for a reason. Go away.

Not until you accept
my apology.

Why?
You don't mean it.

You just feel awful
for trying to destroy me

with an evil plan
on my birthday.

Sure.

But I also feel awful
because what you said
was true.

All I am
is a college dropout

who lives at home
and mooches off
of her parents.

I act like
I'm so cool and like
I have it all figured out,

but you're right.

I'm just a loser.

No. I don't really think that.

Truth is, all I've ever wanted
to be is just like you.

Really?
Yes!

I stupidly idolize you.

I'd love to be cool
and have people know my name

and have one year of school
be as epic as yours was.

Well, it is your birthday.

So I'm on it.

For real this time.

ADULT ADAM: And so
my sister gave me the greatest
birthday gift of all

a small taste
of high-school popularity.

It may not have been
your typical rager,
but it was mine.

And it was awesome.

'Cause for that one night,
everyone knew my name.

Turns out John Hughes
was right,

turning 16 was a lot sweeter
than I thought.

Meanwhile, Lainey had soured
on her future with Barry.

Barry, please.
I'm done talking.

Well, then,
just listen, 'cause,

my dad has something
he wants to say.

If you're here
to call us morons
for getting married,

there's no need,
'cause it's not gonna happen.

You really think I'm gonna
walk through the sand

with my bad foot
just to call you a moron?

Look, if you really
love each other,

there's nothing
you can't survive.

Even the world's worst
smother

Yes.

Because at the end
of the day,

I know Beverly Goldberg
can stay away
when it really matters.

And I know it's scary
to think of her on your back,

but that also means
that she has your back.

And trust me,
there's no better feeling.

I thought you wanted us
to break up.

Why are you
trying to help?

Because that's
what families do,

and like it or not,
you're always gonna be family.

ADULT ADAM:
And so, thanks to my dad...

Come on.

...Lainey decided to give
Barry another shot.

This time,
just the two of them.

Oh!

Hey.

What are you guys doing?

Really not helping, Mom.

You're terrible.

It's true.

Look, I know
I got carried away.

It's just...

All my babies grew up
and don't need me anymore.

But you made me realize
it's not fully over.

I still have a whole new
chapter left... One day.

Well, when it does happen,
I hope you're there with me.

On a mom cot?

Mom!
Bevy.

We'll figure it out.
We have time.

You'd think,
but it just goes so fast.

And it seems
like only yesterday
I was in the hospital

holding my little Adam in my
arms for the first time and...

Holy crap!
We forgot his birthday!

We forgot Adam's birthday!

This is gonna be
a whole thing.

Go, go! Go!

ADULT ADAM: Yeah, it wasn't
the birthday I expected,

and I didn't get the fancy
editing machine I'd hoped for,

but in the end,
I got something much better.

Whatcha doin'?

Figured if I was gonna
have a "Sixteen Candles"

kind of birthday, I might
as well see it through.

Well?
Did you make a wish?

It already came true.
This year's gonna be awesome.

ADULT ADAM:
Little did I know,

this year really would be
one I'd never forget.

Mama's here, Schmoo!

I am so, so sorry
I forgot your birthday.

No!
Don't get on the table!

I will never
forgive myself...

Was that your wish?

* Happy birthday, dear Adam

* Happy birthday to you *

Hooray!

I hate to ask you
what you wished for.

Probably $3,000 worth
of editing equipment.

Happy belated birthday, bro!

I forgot to give you your gift
of one butt-crack busting

sub-atomic wedgie.

Sure, just do me a favor

and back up a bit so you
can get a running start.

You've learned
to not struggle.

I see much growth
since last year.

Yep, one year really
has made me wiser.

Wha? Oh, my God.

What's happening?

Help! I'm shrinking!

Better luck next year.