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Previously on Velma.
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Guilty.
3
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Based on what?
4
00:00:11,094 --> 00:00:13,430
I'm saving money to hire
a private investigator
5
00:00:13,513 --> 00:00:15,598
to find my biological family.
6
00:00:15,682 --> 00:00:17,517
Norville, guess
what Daphne gave me?
7
00:00:17,600 --> 00:00:19,227
Uh, is it mononucleosis?
8
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Because I saw you
two kiss last night.
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00:00:21,438 --> 00:00:24,607
Honestly, I think what I
really need is a friend.
10
00:00:24,691 --> 00:00:25,984
Me too.
11
00:00:26,067 --> 00:00:28,153
But also maybe a
friend who found who...
12
00:00:28,236 --> 00:00:29,612
No.
13
00:00:29,696 --> 00:00:31,507
Let's just keep it simple
and try and be friends again.
14
00:00:31,531 --> 00:00:32,574
Yeah, you're right.
15
00:00:39,205 --> 00:00:40,874
Now, this may
be hard to believe,
16
00:00:40,957 --> 00:00:43,001
but I was never that popular.
17
00:00:45,420 --> 00:00:47,297
I just never seemed
to really fit in
18
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with the other girls.
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00:00:48,548 --> 00:00:49,632
Ugh, weirdo.
20
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Which was fine.
21
00:00:51,217 --> 00:00:53,303
I always took pride in
not fitting the mold.
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Oh God!
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00:00:57,182 --> 00:00:58,743
And while you'd think a
brush with a serial killer
24
00:00:58,767 --> 00:01:00,310
might have brought
us all together...
25
00:01:00,393 --> 00:01:01,519
Well, it's official.
26
00:01:01,603 --> 00:01:03,938
Two weeks without
a murder, y'all.
27
00:01:04,022 --> 00:01:05,440
You'd have thought wrong.
28
00:01:05,523 --> 00:01:06,983
Oops.
29
00:01:08,109 --> 00:01:09,986
Ugh. I hate hot girls.
30
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Except Daphne.
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Help! Help!
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I just found another
dead girl killed
33
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in exactly the same
way as the others.
34
00:01:18,286 --> 00:01:19,329
Well, great.
35
00:01:19,412 --> 00:01:21,998
A $10,000 banner down the drain.
36
00:01:22,081 --> 00:01:23,625
Another dead girl?
37
00:01:29,172 --> 00:01:31,174
So I got good news
38
00:01:31,257 --> 00:01:32,717
and I got bad news.
39
00:01:32,801 --> 00:01:34,969
The good news, as this
new girl was murdered
40
00:01:35,053 --> 00:01:36,513
while Fred Jones was in jail,
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Fred is exonerated
42
00:01:37,931 --> 00:01:39,349
and going free.
43
00:01:39,432 --> 00:01:42,227
But we just turned his room
into an ice skating rink.
44
00:01:42,310 --> 00:01:43,937
Now for the bad news.
45
00:01:44,020 --> 00:01:46,815
The real murderer is
still on the loose.
46
00:01:48,107 --> 00:01:49,859
Now, are there any
more questions?
47
00:01:49,943 --> 00:01:51,653
Yeah, I have one.
48
00:01:51,736 --> 00:01:53,988
How come no one ever cared
this much about my missing mom?
49
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All right! Quiet!
50
00:01:59,619 --> 00:02:01,204
Now, there's a good reason
51
00:02:01,287 --> 00:02:03,706
we're taking this
case more seriously
52
00:02:03,790 --> 00:02:05,333
than the "missing mother"
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00:02:05,416 --> 00:02:06,960
of a mouthy girl.
54
00:02:07,043 --> 00:02:08,336
We've had a breakthrough.
55
00:02:08,419 --> 00:02:10,713
Now, after careful review
56
00:02:10,797 --> 00:02:12,382
of all the evidence,
57
00:02:12,465 --> 00:02:14,050
we have found a pattern.
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Interesting.
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Each of the victims is hot.
60
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Oh my God! We're hot.
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Hold on!
62
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Are you telling us
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00:02:22,767 --> 00:02:24,853
life is now even harder
for beautiful girls?
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00:02:24,936 --> 00:02:27,272
Gigi and her friends already
spent half their days
65
00:02:27,355 --> 00:02:28,731
responding to compliments.
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00:02:28,815 --> 00:02:31,359
Thank you, Dad.
That's so nice.
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00:02:31,442 --> 00:02:32,442
Tragically, yes.
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00:02:33,403 --> 00:02:34,863
Our hot little baby.
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00:02:34,946 --> 00:02:38,324
Now, we don't have the money
to protect every student.
70
00:02:38,408 --> 00:02:42,745
So instead we've decided to
rank the five hottest girls
71
00:02:42,829 --> 00:02:44,706
at Crystal Cove High School,
72
00:02:44,789 --> 00:02:47,625
and give them each a
personal police detail.
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00:02:47,709 --> 00:02:48,585
Fun, right?
74
00:02:48,668 --> 00:02:49,669
Yeah. We're calling it
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00:02:49,752 --> 00:02:52,088
the Crystal Cove
Hope Initiative.
76
00:02:52,171 --> 00:02:54,465
Yeah, acronyms.
77
00:02:54,549 --> 00:02:56,759
Wait. So a couple of
middle aged white dudes
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00:02:56,843 --> 00:02:58,845
are gonna decide which
of us are hottest?
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00:02:58,928 --> 00:03:01,139
Okay. Well, if you
have a better idea
80
00:03:01,222 --> 00:03:03,342
of how to make the list maybe
you should do it, Velma.
81
00:03:03,391 --> 00:03:04,934
You want me to make the list?
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00:03:05,018 --> 00:03:06,102
I'd rather die.
83
00:03:06,185 --> 00:03:07,854
Velma, please.
84
00:03:07,937 --> 00:03:10,189
That's a very
insensitive thing to say.
85
00:03:10,273 --> 00:03:11,649
I mean, especially
from a student
86
00:03:11,733 --> 00:03:14,444
who is in no danger from
a hot girl murderer.
87
00:03:15,904 --> 00:03:18,489
Also, if you don't do it,
a bunch of other girls
88
00:03:18,573 --> 00:03:19,991
will be murdered, of course,
89
00:03:20,074 --> 00:03:21,242
and with them,
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00:03:21,326 --> 00:03:23,953
Crystal Cove's
tourism based economy.
91
00:03:24,037 --> 00:03:25,757
Not the economy!
92
00:03:27,957 --> 00:03:30,460
Fine. Though don't forget
that ranking hot girls
93
00:03:30,543 --> 00:03:33,671
is exactly how the Trojan
War and Facebook started.
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Velma, wait up.
95
00:03:36,758 --> 00:03:38,635
On behalf of hot
girls everywhere,
96
00:03:38,718 --> 00:03:41,054
thank you for agreeing
to make that list.
97
00:03:45,308 --> 00:03:46,434
Friends, Velma.
98
00:03:46,517 --> 00:03:48,353
We both just need to
be friends right now.
99
00:03:48,436 --> 00:03:50,730
Especially because
I finally have enough money
100
00:03:50,813 --> 00:03:53,441
to hire a detective to
find my birth parents.
101
00:03:53,524 --> 00:03:55,276
Uh, hello. I'm a detective.
102
00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:57,200
Velma, you already have
too much on your plate.
103
00:03:57,278 --> 00:03:59,739
And our relationship is
complicated enough as it is.
104
00:03:59,822 --> 00:04:00,865
Is it though?
105
00:04:00,949 --> 00:04:02,533
Maybe we should
hug again to see.
106
00:04:02,617 --> 00:04:03,993
No, you're right.
107
00:04:04,077 --> 00:04:05,471
But if you want to help,
take something off my plate,
108
00:04:05,495 --> 00:04:07,330
make this hot girl list for me.
109
00:04:07,413 --> 00:04:09,850
Uh, you mean the list of which
of my friends might get to live?
110
00:04:09,874 --> 00:04:12,001
No thanks. One, I
hate making lists,
111
00:04:12,085 --> 00:04:13,711
and two... Oh, no,
this is a list.
112
00:04:13,795 --> 00:04:15,630
But I can't do it.
113
00:04:15,713 --> 00:04:18,424
Next to you, every other girl looks
like a potato in a dress to me.
114
00:04:18,508 --> 00:04:19,508
Aw.
115
00:04:22,470 --> 00:04:24,430
You guys talking about
the hot girl list?
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00:04:24,514 --> 00:04:28,184
Be careful, 'cause us bitches
will do anything to get on it.
117
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Anything.
118
00:04:31,688 --> 00:04:33,439
Have fun with this. Bye.
119
00:04:33,523 --> 00:04:35,692
♪ I just like the attention ♪
120
00:04:35,775 --> 00:04:37,986
♪ Baby you know I got
tricks up my sleeve ♪
121
00:04:38,069 --> 00:04:40,363
- ♪ Come to my intervention ♪
122
00:04:40,446 --> 00:04:42,699
♪ Do I have your attention ♪
123
00:04:42,782 --> 00:04:44,534
♪ All eyes on me ♪
124
00:04:50,248 --> 00:04:52,000
Pick me, Velma.
125
00:04:52,083 --> 00:04:53,960
♪ All eyes on me ♪
126
00:05:00,717 --> 00:05:02,719
Hey, Velma. You need
to finish that list.
127
00:05:02,802 --> 00:05:03,988
It's bad enough girls might die,
128
00:05:04,012 --> 00:05:05,555
but now my trumpet is dented.
129
00:05:05,638 --> 00:05:07,798
I'm trying. This is the first
chance I've had to focus.
130
00:05:07,849 --> 00:05:09,976
Thank God, hot girls
would rather be murdered
131
00:05:10,059 --> 00:05:11,185
than enter the band room.
132
00:05:11,269 --> 00:05:12,854
And the hot girls
are distracting
133
00:05:12,937 --> 00:05:14,439
because you recently came out
134
00:05:14,522 --> 00:05:16,733
and get too turned on to focus.
135
00:05:16,816 --> 00:05:17,900
- Got it, copy.
- Norville,
136
00:05:17,984 --> 00:05:19,694
I didn't come out, I told you.
137
00:05:19,777 --> 00:05:22,530
I like Daphne but also
find Fred attractive.
138
00:05:22,613 --> 00:05:25,533
He has this deep,
inexplicable magnetism.
139
00:05:25,616 --> 00:05:27,011
That's called being
rich, but go on.
140
00:05:27,035 --> 00:05:29,996
But Daphne, our
personalities just click.
141
00:05:30,079 --> 00:05:30,955
I can't explain it.
142
00:05:31,039 --> 00:05:32,623
Mmm, I see.
143
00:05:32,707 --> 00:05:35,501
But if you had to explain
it, so I... I mean, someone
144
00:05:35,585 --> 00:05:38,171
could possibly study Daphne's
personality and emulate it,
145
00:05:38,254 --> 00:05:39,922
so you liked him instead of her.
146
00:05:40,006 --> 00:05:42,258
Ugh. This is exactly the
problem with this list.
147
00:05:42,341 --> 00:05:45,011
Men make everything about
them and what they want.
148
00:05:45,094 --> 00:05:46,429
Not me. I'm an ally.
149
00:05:46,512 --> 00:05:47,764
Now get back to my question.
150
00:05:47,847 --> 00:05:50,099
Our whole lives,
girls are told by guys
151
00:05:50,183 --> 00:05:52,351
there's a right way to
be hot, and I'm not it.
152
00:05:52,435 --> 00:05:55,104
Guys even teach us to be
ashamed of our own bodies.
153
00:05:55,188 --> 00:05:57,315
Every little kid knows
how to draw a penis,
154
00:05:57,398 --> 00:05:59,108
but make a little
kid draw a vagina,
155
00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:00,777
and what happens?
156
00:06:00,860 --> 00:06:02,695
- You go to jail?
- Exactly.
157
00:06:02,779 --> 00:06:04,030
But now, because of this list,
158
00:06:04,113 --> 00:06:05,865
I have to validate
everything I hate
159
00:06:05,948 --> 00:06:07,825
about men's ideas
of beauty norms
160
00:06:07,909 --> 00:06:09,118
or girls will die.
161
00:06:09,202 --> 00:06:10,787
And one of them might be Daphne.
162
00:06:10,870 --> 00:06:12,931
Imagine all the things you'd
miss about her personality.
163
00:06:12,955 --> 00:06:15,291
In this form, out loud, and go.
164
00:06:15,375 --> 00:06:18,169
Okay, look, I know my
hottest list won't help you.
165
00:06:18,252 --> 00:06:20,505
♪ I just like the attention ♪
166
00:06:20,588 --> 00:06:22,131
♪ Baby you know I got... ♪
167
00:06:22,215 --> 00:06:23,466
But if you can manage
168
00:06:23,549 --> 00:06:25,760
to not get too horned
up from his magnetism,
169
00:06:25,843 --> 00:06:27,678
we do know a guy who
might be able to help.
170
00:06:31,891 --> 00:06:32,891
Mmm.
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00:06:33,351 --> 00:06:34,477
Mom, stop.
172
00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:37,188
Not in front of my gang.
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00:06:39,941 --> 00:06:40,858
Hey, Fred.
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00:06:40,942 --> 00:06:42,485
Wow! You look good after jail.
175
00:06:42,568 --> 00:06:44,695
And you're way less stabbed
to death than I expected.
176
00:06:44,779 --> 00:06:46,155
Uh, thanks. You look...
177
00:06:47,115 --> 00:06:48,366
Why am I here?
178
00:06:48,449 --> 00:06:50,289
I need your help ranking
the five hottest girls
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00:06:50,326 --> 00:06:51,369
at Crystal Cove High.
180
00:06:51,452 --> 00:06:52,703
Yeah, I don't know.
181
00:06:52,787 --> 00:06:54,387
I did that for the
science fair last year
182
00:06:54,413 --> 00:06:56,457
and got suspended.
183
00:06:56,541 --> 00:06:58,894
Your entry was called, "From Freud to
Jung: An exploration in horniness."
184
00:06:58,918 --> 00:07:02,046
But it's fine. The police need
the list to keep hot girls safe.
185
00:07:02,130 --> 00:07:04,090
Oh, so like charity work? Okay.
186
00:07:04,173 --> 00:07:06,801
But if this doesn't help
restore my public image
187
00:07:06,884 --> 00:07:08,803
as a good guy, I'mma be pissed.
188
00:07:10,012 --> 00:07:11,012
All right.
189
00:07:11,722 --> 00:07:12,849
Yes...
190
00:07:12,932 --> 00:07:13,932
Yes...
191
00:07:21,732 --> 00:07:22,732
Yeah!
192
00:07:23,943 --> 00:07:25,027
Daphne, Olive,
193
00:07:25,111 --> 00:07:27,071
Gigi, Becca and... Kimmy?
194
00:07:27,155 --> 00:07:28,364
But Kimmy's so sweet.
195
00:07:28,447 --> 00:07:30,074
Wait. Is it an
inner beauty thing?
196
00:07:30,158 --> 00:07:32,243
No, it's a huge-cans thing.
197
00:07:32,326 --> 00:07:33,953
Now, anything else
I can do for you?
198
00:07:34,036 --> 00:07:36,205
Yeah, maybe read this.
199
00:07:36,289 --> 00:07:37,748
The Feminine Mystique.
200
00:07:37,832 --> 00:07:39,667
No way, I love Mystique.
201
00:07:39,750 --> 00:07:42,920
Is this about whether Jennifer
Lawrence is hotter than Rebecca Romijn?
202
00:07:43,004 --> 00:07:44,297
Well, I'm excited to see
203
00:07:44,380 --> 00:07:47,049
how they settled that
in under 400 pages.
204
00:07:47,133 --> 00:07:50,720
Look, kid, I know you wanna
find your biological parents,
205
00:07:50,803 --> 00:07:53,723
but as my name makes
clear, I'm too short
206
00:07:53,806 --> 00:07:55,683
and too high to be useful.
207
00:08:00,771 --> 00:08:02,565
Moms, my door's locked.
208
00:08:02,648 --> 00:08:04,817
Sorry, sweetie,
we had no choice.
209
00:08:04,901 --> 00:08:07,361
The serial killer is
targeting hot girls,
210
00:08:07,445 --> 00:08:09,488
and you're almost
as hot as Donna.
211
00:08:09,572 --> 00:08:10,990
Oh, you.
212
00:08:11,073 --> 00:08:13,051
But you can't just imprison
a totally innocent person.
213
00:08:13,075 --> 00:08:14,827
What don't you get about cops?
214
00:08:16,537 --> 00:08:18,414
Visitor!
215
00:08:18,497 --> 00:08:20,249
Norville? What are
you doing here?
216
00:08:20,333 --> 00:08:22,084
Well, with all the
talk about hotness,
217
00:08:22,168 --> 00:08:24,146
I'm writing an article for
the student newspaper titled,
218
00:08:24,170 --> 00:08:26,631
"Reasons someone might like
someone else's personality."
219
00:08:26,714 --> 00:08:27,757
So what do Velmas...
220
00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:29,592
Uh, I mean, people see in you?
221
00:08:29,675 --> 00:08:31,052
We have a student newspaper?
222
00:08:34,222 --> 00:08:36,015
Hey! Who just threw a
rock through my window?
223
00:08:36,098 --> 00:08:39,602
Do you have any idea what a pain
it is to get out the vacuum?
224
00:08:39,685 --> 00:08:40,561
Huh?
225
00:08:40,645 --> 00:08:42,521
There's no one there.
226
00:08:42,605 --> 00:08:43,814
And this isn't a rock.
227
00:08:43,898 --> 00:08:45,942
It's a geode from
the crystal mines,
228
00:08:46,025 --> 00:08:47,860
The crystal mines?
229
00:08:47,944 --> 00:08:50,744
That old tourist attraction that's
now a seagull toilet full of condoms?
230
00:08:53,658 --> 00:08:56,202
Here's your
dumb list of hot girls.
231
00:08:56,285 --> 00:08:58,788
Of course, if society
exerted half this effort
232
00:08:58,871 --> 00:09:01,290
teaching girls not to be
slaves to the patriarchy,
233
00:09:01,374 --> 00:09:03,376
we wouldn't have this
problem in the first place.
234
00:09:03,459 --> 00:09:05,211
Boys don't like a
know it all, Velma.
235
00:09:05,294 --> 00:09:07,546
Wait. Oh my God, that's it.
236
00:09:07,630 --> 00:09:10,841
Boys don't like a know it all.
237
00:09:10,925 --> 00:09:12,635
If the serial killer
238
00:09:12,718 --> 00:09:14,529
only wants hotties, instead of
spending half our town budget
239
00:09:14,553 --> 00:09:16,806
on police protection
for five smoke-shows,
240
00:09:16,889 --> 00:09:18,307
why don't you just teach them
241
00:09:18,391 --> 00:09:20,518
to be not hot like you, Velma?
242
00:09:20,601 --> 00:09:21,811
Wait. So you're saying
243
00:09:21,894 --> 00:09:23,938
I get to actually
release these girls
244
00:09:24,021 --> 00:09:25,773
from the shackles
of the male gaze?
245
00:09:25,856 --> 00:09:27,441
Exactly.
246
00:09:27,525 --> 00:09:28,859
Uggo lessons!
247
00:09:28,943 --> 00:09:29,735
Mmm.
248
00:09:31,696 --> 00:09:32,989
Hi, girls.
249
00:09:33,072 --> 00:09:36,075
Velma, your new way-cooler
friends are here.
250
00:09:36,158 --> 00:09:38,244
Oh, we're not friends.
251
00:09:38,327 --> 00:09:39,829
Because of Velma
252
00:09:39,912 --> 00:09:42,290
our personal police details,
which we earned by being hot,
253
00:09:42,373 --> 00:09:45,042
got downgraded to uggo lessons.
254
00:09:45,126 --> 00:09:46,961
You know, maybe a
good place to start
255
00:09:47,044 --> 00:09:50,172
would be not referring to what
we're doing as "uggo lessons".
256
00:09:50,256 --> 00:09:52,383
I was thinking, maybe
goddess renewals.
257
00:09:52,466 --> 00:09:53,884
I don't care what you call it.
258
00:09:53,968 --> 00:09:56,679
We're not starting
until Daphne gets here.
259
00:09:56,762 --> 00:09:58,014
Oh, Daphne isn't coming.
260
00:09:58,097 --> 00:10:00,725
Her moms have her in a
full on Rapunzel sitch,
261
00:10:00,808 --> 00:10:02,351
so she gets a pass.
262
00:10:02,435 --> 00:10:03,769
Okay. But the thing is,
263
00:10:03,853 --> 00:10:06,230
we kind of rely on Daphne
to tell us what to do.
264
00:10:06,314 --> 00:10:07,440
She's like our queen bee,
265
00:10:07,523 --> 00:10:09,692
and you're like
a... a King Kong.
266
00:10:10,776 --> 00:10:12,111
Well, interestingly enough,
267
00:10:12,194 --> 00:10:14,322
a key component to being not hot
268
00:10:14,405 --> 00:10:15,406
is not fitting in.
269
00:10:15,489 --> 00:10:17,116
And the best way to not fit in
270
00:10:17,199 --> 00:10:19,535
is to never just do what
other people tell you to do.
271
00:10:19,618 --> 00:10:21,454
Like how King Kong
didn't listen to people,
272
00:10:21,537 --> 00:10:22,747
so airplanes killed him?
273
00:10:22,830 --> 00:10:24,206
No. You know what?
274
00:10:24,290 --> 00:10:26,459
We need to start these
uggo lessons right now.
275
00:10:29,003 --> 00:10:30,421
Daphne, your moms are gone,
276
00:10:30,504 --> 00:10:32,381
but how are you gonna get out?
277
00:10:32,465 --> 00:10:34,216
Damn!
278
00:10:34,300 --> 00:10:36,844
Thank you for helping me
find who threw that geode
279
00:10:36,927 --> 00:10:39,889
and for explaining geodes
in terms I can understand,
280
00:10:39,972 --> 00:10:41,182
the hot-girls of rocks.
281
00:10:41,265 --> 00:10:42,516
Daphne, look,
282
00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:44,352
I'm always up for
anything geode related,
283
00:10:44,435 --> 00:10:45,227
know that,
284
00:10:45,311 --> 00:10:46,771
but have you wondered
285
00:10:46,854 --> 00:10:48,832
if this is the serial killer
trying to lure you out?
286
00:10:48,856 --> 00:10:50,691
I have. And have you wondered
287
00:10:50,775 --> 00:10:52,401
how grateful everyone would be
288
00:10:52,485 --> 00:10:55,279
if we caught him,
including Velma?
289
00:10:55,363 --> 00:10:56,405
What? Velma?
290
00:10:56,489 --> 00:10:57,948
Why would I care
what Velma thinks?
291
00:11:00,326 --> 00:11:02,745
The Feminine Mystique
is a total rip-off.
292
00:11:02,828 --> 00:11:05,122
Not one mention of a
sexy shape-shifter.
293
00:11:05,206 --> 00:11:09,085
This was more disappointing than
George Bernard Shaw's Man and Superman.
294
00:11:09,168 --> 00:11:11,253
Ugh, I feel weird.
295
00:11:11,837 --> 00:11:12,755
Nice.
296
00:11:12,838 --> 00:11:14,757
Banging bod, unhooked bikini.
297
00:11:14,840 --> 00:11:16,258
Oh, hello.
298
00:11:16,342 --> 00:11:17,885
What do we have here?
299
00:11:17,968 --> 00:11:19,095
Sensible shoes,
300
00:11:19,178 --> 00:11:20,930
forging her own identity,
301
00:11:21,013 --> 00:11:23,474
regardless of what
society expects.
302
00:11:23,557 --> 00:11:26,435
She's just got this
kind of mystique.
303
00:11:27,144 --> 00:11:28,144
Wait.
304
00:11:35,403 --> 00:11:37,321
What have you done to me?
305
00:11:38,697 --> 00:11:40,616
So we have one day to unlearn
306
00:11:40,699 --> 00:11:42,743
a lifetime of
internalized misogyny.
307
00:11:42,827 --> 00:11:44,412
I'm getting waxed at 4:00.
308
00:11:44,495 --> 00:11:45,704
Then we have until 4:00.
309
00:11:47,415 --> 00:11:49,834
No, terrible, too flattering.
310
00:11:49,917 --> 00:11:51,502
Oh, these might work.
311
00:11:51,585 --> 00:11:53,838
Damn it! Now you look
hot and relatable,
312
00:11:53,921 --> 00:11:55,631
like an athlete
who wears glasses.
313
00:11:55,714 --> 00:11:57,967
Ugh, just put on
the sleeping bag.
314
00:11:58,050 --> 00:12:01,470
♪ Oh-oh-oh Go totally crazy ♪
315
00:12:01,554 --> 00:12:03,389
♪ Forget I'm a lady ♪
316
00:12:03,472 --> 00:12:05,766
♪ Men's shirts, short skirts ♪
317
00:12:05,850 --> 00:12:07,810
♪ Oh-oh-oh ♪
318
00:12:07,893 --> 00:12:09,353
How do we do our hair?
319
00:12:09,437 --> 00:12:10,938
Wet bun or cut it, baby.
320
00:12:11,897 --> 00:12:13,190
♪ Oh-oh-oh, ♪
321
00:12:13,274 --> 00:12:15,109
♪ get in the action ♪
322
00:12:15,192 --> 00:12:16,902
♪ Feel the attraction ♪
323
00:12:16,986 --> 00:12:19,238
♪ Color my hair
Do what I dare ♪
324
00:12:19,321 --> 00:12:20,823
♪ Oh-oh-oh, ♪
325
00:12:20,906 --> 00:12:22,283
♪ I wanna be free, yeah ♪
326
00:12:22,366 --> 00:12:26,078
♪ To feel the way I feel ♪
327
00:12:26,162 --> 00:12:27,955
♪ Man! I feel like a woman! ♪
328
00:12:29,832 --> 00:12:31,435
So welcome to the
Crystal Cove Historical Society.
329
00:12:31,459 --> 00:12:33,335
You can learn
anything about geodes
330
00:12:33,419 --> 00:12:34,587
and the crystal mines here.
331
00:12:34,670 --> 00:12:35,838
And time permitting,
332
00:12:35,921 --> 00:12:38,674
walk through the
hall of controllers.
333
00:12:40,509 --> 00:12:42,636
So Crystal Cove's
famous crystal mines
334
00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:45,514
were discovered in
the 19th century
335
00:12:45,598 --> 00:12:48,184
by a prospector who thought
he'd found a gold mine
336
00:12:48,267 --> 00:12:49,685
and was looking for a rock
337
00:12:49,768 --> 00:12:51,288
with which to bash his
partner's brains in.
338
00:12:52,605 --> 00:12:53,856
I'm rich!
339
00:12:53,939 --> 00:12:55,733
But the crystal were worthless.
340
00:12:57,276 --> 00:12:59,987
Then came the 1970s,
and everything changed.
341
00:13:00,070 --> 00:13:03,407
A nation betrayed by Vietnam
and endless guitar solos,
342
00:13:03,491 --> 00:13:05,201
people abandoned their
old belief systems
343
00:13:05,284 --> 00:13:07,161
in favor of literally
anything else.
344
00:13:07,244 --> 00:13:10,039
Enter the healing
power of crystals.
345
00:13:10,122 --> 00:13:12,541
And Crystal Cove
became a boom town.
346
00:13:12,625 --> 00:13:15,503
The mines themselves became
a tourist destination.
347
00:13:15,586 --> 00:13:17,838
But by the 1980s, the
crystal fad ended,
348
00:13:17,922 --> 00:13:20,299
replaced by the aerobics
fad and the cocaine fad.
349
00:13:20,382 --> 00:13:22,176
Crystal Cove never recovered.
350
00:13:22,259 --> 00:13:24,637
The mines closed and the
guy running the display
351
00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:26,013
got into sexual pottery.
352
00:13:26,096 --> 00:13:27,449
Which is why I'm
ending the tour early.
353
00:13:27,473 --> 00:13:28,641
Norville.
354
00:13:28,724 --> 00:13:30,809
I feel like I've
been here before
355
00:13:30,893 --> 00:13:31,977
as a baby.
356
00:13:37,149 --> 00:13:38,359
Is that crazy?
357
00:13:38,442 --> 00:13:40,236
No, I vividly remember
breast feeding.
358
00:13:40,319 --> 00:13:41,362
Though I did stop at five.
359
00:13:41,445 --> 00:13:43,489
Ugh. What if that geode
360
00:13:43,572 --> 00:13:46,075
was thrown by my birth parents?
361
00:13:46,158 --> 00:13:47,785
Maybe they're also
trying to find me
362
00:13:47,868 --> 00:13:49,245
without my mom's finding out.
363
00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:53,123
We have to go there.
364
00:13:53,207 --> 00:13:55,167
Mayor Dave, Sheriff Cogburn,
365
00:13:55,251 --> 00:13:56,919
I want you to
remember this moment.
366
00:13:57,002 --> 00:14:00,714
For far too long, we have told
girls that pain is beauty.
367
00:14:00,798 --> 00:14:02,049
Well, today
368
00:14:02,132 --> 00:14:03,968
you will see these
painfully beautiful girls
369
00:14:04,051 --> 00:14:06,679
transform from
"Damn" to "Eh..."
370
00:14:09,014 --> 00:14:11,392
Ooh, they are so
hot, Daddy likey.
371
00:14:11,475 --> 00:14:13,936
Wait. You were supposed
to do the opposite.
372
00:14:14,019 --> 00:14:14,937
What the hell, Velma?
373
00:14:15,020 --> 00:14:16,313
Yeah. What the hell, girls?
374
00:14:16,397 --> 00:14:18,274
Where's the hair I
wove onto your arms?
375
00:14:18,357 --> 00:14:19,567
It's gone, Velma.
376
00:14:19,650 --> 00:14:22,444
This wasn't an exercise
in deprogramming,
377
00:14:22,528 --> 00:14:24,488
it's an exercise
in slut-shaming.
378
00:14:24,572 --> 00:14:27,199
No woman should ever
have to change who she is
379
00:14:27,283 --> 00:14:30,327
or how she dresses
to not be murdered.
380
00:14:30,411 --> 00:14:32,162
But you're more than
your looks, Olive.
381
00:14:32,246 --> 00:14:34,999
You can reverse your car without
even looking at the camera.
382
00:14:35,082 --> 00:14:36,292
I know, Velma,
383
00:14:36,375 --> 00:14:39,169
just like I know I
love looking hot.
384
00:14:39,253 --> 00:14:42,089
You think every girl
deep down is like you,
385
00:14:42,172 --> 00:14:43,424
but you're wrong.
386
00:14:43,507 --> 00:14:46,260
In fact, your
definition of womanhood
387
00:14:46,343 --> 00:14:49,305
is even more
restrictive than ours.
388
00:14:49,388 --> 00:14:51,348
We'll take our
police details now,
389
00:14:51,432 --> 00:14:52,516
and no uggos,
390
00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:54,518
just beefcake.
391
00:14:56,979 --> 00:14:58,230
Me-ow!
392
00:14:58,314 --> 00:14:59,314
Cat-fight.
393
00:15:01,900 --> 00:15:04,153
Your
definition of womanhood
394
00:15:04,236 --> 00:15:06,822
is even more
restrictive than ours.
395
00:15:12,036 --> 00:15:12,828
Hmm.
396
00:15:14,121 --> 00:15:16,290
Something's different
about you today.
397
00:15:16,373 --> 00:15:19,501
Wait. You didn't try an
energy drink again, did you?
398
00:15:19,585 --> 00:15:21,670
No. It's just that
after yesterday,
399
00:15:21,754 --> 00:15:23,547
I have no clue how to be a woman
400
00:15:23,631 --> 00:15:25,424
in a way that doesn't
judge other women.
401
00:15:25,507 --> 00:15:27,718
So you picked Monster.
402
00:15:27,801 --> 00:15:30,179
How dare you call
any woman a monster,
403
00:15:30,262 --> 00:15:31,472
you monster?
404
00:15:31,555 --> 00:15:33,057
I'm dressed like
this to show support
405
00:15:33,140 --> 00:15:35,601
for all the beautiful ways
women express themselves.
406
00:15:35,684 --> 00:15:37,436
Even the ones I
think are stupid.
407
00:15:39,438 --> 00:15:42,191
I know it's very upsetting that I
have to re-evaluate all my beliefs.
408
00:15:42,274 --> 00:15:43,335
Thank you for understanding.
409
00:15:43,359 --> 00:15:44,359
It's not that.
410
00:15:44,401 --> 00:15:45,527
I'm having a baby.
411
00:15:45,611 --> 00:15:47,488
Right. But are
you having a baby?
412
00:15:47,571 --> 00:15:50,240
Or did society tell
you to have a baby?
413
00:15:50,324 --> 00:15:51,867
Wait, you're really
having a baby.
414
00:15:51,950 --> 00:15:53,327
Call 911!
415
00:15:53,410 --> 00:15:55,579
Wait, No. Call a cab.
Taxi births make the news.
416
00:15:55,663 --> 00:15:56,789
I am calling,
417
00:15:56,872 --> 00:15:58,749
but we're trapped
in the carpool lane.
418
00:15:58,832 --> 00:16:00,376
You have to get
these cars to move
419
00:16:00,459 --> 00:16:02,044
so an ambulance can get in.
420
00:16:03,045 --> 00:16:04,380
Okay, I'll, uh...
421
00:16:04,463 --> 00:16:06,274
- Hey! Move, buddy!
- Hey! Come on!
422
00:16:06,298 --> 00:16:08,425
It's the hot-girls
police details! Yes!
423
00:16:08,509 --> 00:16:10,094
Help, Sheriff Cogburn! Help!
424
00:16:10,177 --> 00:16:12,346
Look out! It's
the serial killer!
425
00:16:12,429 --> 00:16:15,015
And he's even crazier
than we thought!
426
00:16:15,099 --> 00:16:16,558
What? No!
427
00:16:16,642 --> 00:16:19,395
It's Velma! My dad's
goomar is having a baby.
428
00:16:19,478 --> 00:16:20,979
Aw, a wittle guy?
429
00:16:21,063 --> 00:16:23,190
No, you need to get
these cars out of here
430
00:16:23,273 --> 00:16:24,400
so an ambulance can get in.
431
00:16:25,484 --> 00:16:26,902
10-4.
432
00:16:26,985 --> 00:16:28,404
All right, everybody.
433
00:16:28,487 --> 00:16:31,782
We got ourselves an
official tender moment.
434
00:16:31,865 --> 00:16:33,409
A woman is experiencing
435
00:16:33,492 --> 00:16:36,495
the sacred miracle
of childbirth!
436
00:16:36,578 --> 00:16:37,621
Oh! Look at that!
437
00:16:37,705 --> 00:16:38,956
Oh! She's crowning.
438
00:16:39,039 --> 00:16:40,708
Actually, I should
probably see this too,
439
00:16:40,791 --> 00:16:42,126
always wondered how it worked.
440
00:16:42,209 --> 00:16:43,252
Come on, fellas!
441
00:16:43,335 --> 00:16:44,920
It's show-and-tell time.
442
00:16:45,003 --> 00:16:46,630
Wait, no! Where are you going?
443
00:16:48,799 --> 00:16:50,134
Olive, please help me.
444
00:16:50,217 --> 00:16:51,820
If we can get these
students out of the way,
445
00:16:51,844 --> 00:16:53,512
the ambulance could
drive up on the grass.
446
00:16:53,595 --> 00:16:55,931
Sure, but no one's
moving, Velma.
447
00:16:56,014 --> 00:16:58,308
A lady is giving birth
in front of school.
448
00:16:58,392 --> 00:16:59,685
This is literally why
449
00:16:59,768 --> 00:17:01,437
social media exists.
450
00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:04,106
Stop! Or at least get my ring
light. It's in the trunk.
451
00:17:04,189 --> 00:17:06,734
Then you'll just have to give
them something better to look at.
452
00:17:06,817 --> 00:17:08,235
Wait! You're not thinking...
453
00:17:08,318 --> 00:17:10,195
Yes, I need you to muster
all of your sexiness
454
00:17:10,279 --> 00:17:12,239
and lure everyone away
with a sexy dance.
455
00:17:12,322 --> 00:17:14,700
Like a shimmy into
a bouncy thing?
456
00:17:14,783 --> 00:17:16,243
I'm not a dancer.
457
00:17:16,326 --> 00:17:18,013
Just show me ass cheeks going
in different directions.
458
00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:21,248
And what? You'll just watch
and silently judge us?
459
00:17:21,331 --> 00:17:24,376
Pass. Our sexy dancing
is for ourselves.
460
00:17:24,460 --> 00:17:26,336
And once to raise
money for a dog
461
00:17:26,420 --> 00:17:27,796
that needed hip surgery.
462
00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:30,132
Fine. If you won't
do it, I will.
463
00:17:30,215 --> 00:17:31,800
Hey, everyone, look at me!
464
00:17:32,885 --> 00:17:34,678
I'm sexy, I'm fun.
465
00:17:34,762 --> 00:17:35,888
Ooh, yeah.
466
00:17:35,971 --> 00:17:37,598
I'm rolling on some gum.
467
00:17:37,681 --> 00:17:39,391
Did I accidentally tase her?
468
00:17:39,475 --> 00:17:42,311
What's happening? Why isn't this
luring the crowd towards me?
469
00:17:42,394 --> 00:17:44,730
Because if you're gonna be sexy,
470
00:17:44,813 --> 00:17:46,148
you have to own it.
471
00:17:46,231 --> 00:17:47,983
You look like a white influencer
472
00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:49,818
trying to choreograph
her own dance
473
00:17:49,902 --> 00:17:51,403
instead of just stealing one.
474
00:17:51,487 --> 00:17:52,738
I know. I'm trying,
475
00:17:52,821 --> 00:17:55,491
but I'm just not
comfortable owning it.
476
00:17:55,574 --> 00:17:57,743
Wait, that's it.
That's the answer.
477
00:17:57,826 --> 00:18:01,830
Just like how you're all women who don't
wanna own shorts that cover your butt,
478
00:18:01,914 --> 00:18:04,249
I'm a woman who
doesn't wanna own it.
479
00:18:04,333 --> 00:18:06,210
And one isn't better
than the other.
480
00:18:06,293 --> 00:18:07,753
Whoa, whoa! Hold on.
481
00:18:07,836 --> 00:18:10,589
So you're saying, while
we're all juicy asses...
482
00:18:10,672 --> 00:18:13,342
I'm all sass and glasses, baby.
483
00:18:13,425 --> 00:18:16,178
Velma! Hurry up
and do something!
484
00:18:16,261 --> 00:18:17,638
Yes, of course.
485
00:18:17,721 --> 00:18:19,848
Girls, let's do a respective
yet equally valid dance.
486
00:18:45,124 --> 00:18:48,585
Oh my God!
487
00:18:48,669 --> 00:18:51,839
Norville, I've definitely
been here before.
488
00:18:51,922 --> 00:18:54,550
I feel like all the
answers to my questions
489
00:18:54,633 --> 00:18:56,426
about my parents are in there.
490
00:18:56,510 --> 00:18:57,510
The bathrooms?
491
00:18:58,262 --> 00:18:59,972
Wait. I mean in there.
492
00:19:00,931 --> 00:19:02,641
Daphne, this is a bad idea.
493
00:19:02,724 --> 00:19:03,892
It's too coincidental.
494
00:19:03,976 --> 00:19:05,477
The serial killer could know
495
00:19:05,561 --> 00:19:07,330
you're looking for your parents
and be manipulating you.
496
00:19:07,354 --> 00:19:09,565
Wow. I would be a really
good serial killer.
497
00:19:09,648 --> 00:19:11,066
Was that vocational test right?
498
00:19:11,149 --> 00:19:13,318
I know it's risky,
Norville, but I have to try.
499
00:19:13,402 --> 00:19:15,529
Finding my parents is the
only way to figure out
500
00:19:15,612 --> 00:19:17,906
why I'm so different
from everyone.
501
00:19:17,990 --> 00:19:19,241
This is gonna sound crazy,
502
00:19:19,324 --> 00:19:21,118
but I love danger.
503
00:19:29,001 --> 00:19:30,168
No. Not a cute one.
504
00:19:35,966 --> 00:19:36,758
Oops.
505
00:19:39,219 --> 00:19:40,762
Apologize.
506
00:19:42,389 --> 00:19:44,975
My moms have done everything
to teach me to be safe,
507
00:19:45,058 --> 00:19:47,269
but I'm still
danger-prone Daphne.
508
00:19:47,352 --> 00:19:48,604
Fighting, dealing drugs,
509
00:19:48,687 --> 00:19:50,939
possibly walking into
a serial killer's trap.
510
00:19:51,023 --> 00:19:52,691
Who are my biological parents,
511
00:19:52,774 --> 00:19:54,610
and why am I like this?
512
00:19:54,693 --> 00:19:56,194
What's wrong?
513
00:19:56,278 --> 00:19:57,154
Everything.
514
00:19:57,237 --> 00:19:58,697
I hate danger,
515
00:19:58,780 --> 00:20:01,116
so I can't mimic your personality
to make Velma like me.
516
00:20:01,199 --> 00:20:03,160
Yeah, that's what I've
been trying to do.
517
00:20:03,243 --> 00:20:04,286
No.
518
00:20:04,369 --> 00:20:05,829
Yep. And it would've
worked, too.
519
00:20:05,913 --> 00:20:07,497
I'm inquisitive and athletic,
520
00:20:07,581 --> 00:20:08,999
and I can fake being dumb
521
00:20:09,082 --> 00:20:10,685
after carrying on a
conversation with you all day.
522
00:20:10,709 --> 00:20:13,378
- Mmm-hmm.
- But I can't make myself like danger.
523
00:20:13,462 --> 00:20:15,130
I'm far too sane.
524
00:20:15,213 --> 00:20:17,883
So if that's the thrill ride
to nowhere Velma's looking for
525
00:20:17,966 --> 00:20:19,134
I'm wasting my time.
526
00:20:19,217 --> 00:20:20,844
I'm sorry, Norville,
but trust me,
527
00:20:20,928 --> 00:20:22,930
there's someone other than
Velma out there for you.
528
00:20:23,013 --> 00:20:25,307
Yeah, sorry. I can't do
this dumb talk anymore.
529
00:20:25,390 --> 00:20:26,642
- I'm gonna hop.
- What?
530
00:20:26,725 --> 00:20:28,143
You can't just leave me here.
531
00:20:28,226 --> 00:20:29,728
I'm not afraid of
who's in there.
532
00:20:29,811 --> 00:20:31,206
I'm just afraid they'll
think I'm a loser
533
00:20:31,230 --> 00:20:33,023
who couldn't get friends
to come with them.
534
00:20:33,106 --> 00:20:35,567
Yeah, well, there's no world
where I'm ever solving a mystery
535
00:20:35,651 --> 00:20:36,985
in an abandoned amusement park.
536
00:20:37,069 --> 00:20:38,737
So if you want a ride,
it's now or never.
537
00:20:41,365 --> 00:20:43,408
Fine, I'm coming.
538
00:20:43,492 --> 00:20:45,661
But you're only
getting two stars.
539
00:20:51,833 --> 00:20:53,877
Velma, I know we've
had our differences,
540
00:20:53,961 --> 00:20:55,837
but you really saved the day.
541
00:20:55,921 --> 00:20:57,361
And not just because
your janky nails
542
00:20:57,422 --> 00:20:58,924
came in handy for
cutting the cord.
543
00:20:59,007 --> 00:21:00,717
I was pretty great
today wasn't I?
544
00:21:00,801 --> 00:21:03,011
Possibly the greatest
woman of all time.
545
00:21:03,095 --> 00:21:04,346
Even better than that girl
546
00:21:04,429 --> 00:21:05,931
with a ponytail
that's on the quarter.
547
00:21:06,014 --> 00:21:07,934
You know, after seeing
you take charge like that,
548
00:21:08,016 --> 00:21:11,687
I really hope my little girl
grows up to be just like you.
549
00:21:11,770 --> 00:21:13,647
Wow. Thank you, Sophie.
550
00:21:13,730 --> 00:21:15,232
On the inside at least.
551
00:21:20,487 --> 00:21:21,863
Nope, not for me.
552
00:21:24,241 --> 00:21:25,409
Yes, for me.
553
00:21:26,118 --> 00:21:27,118
Fred?
554
00:21:27,911 --> 00:21:29,037
I, uh, think you meant
555
00:21:29,121 --> 00:21:30,789
to send this to
Daphne next door.
556
00:21:30,872 --> 00:21:31,872
No, Velma, wait!
557
00:21:31,915 --> 00:21:34,001
I'm here because I want you.
558
00:21:34,084 --> 00:21:37,170
To be the before picture
in another diet pill scam?
559
00:21:37,254 --> 00:21:38,880
I mean, at least you're
asking this time.
560
00:21:38,964 --> 00:21:40,340
No, that book you gave me
561
00:21:40,424 --> 00:21:42,467
opened my eyes to
your inner beauty.
562
00:21:42,551 --> 00:21:43,885
Wait, really?
563
00:21:43,969 --> 00:21:45,470
I've dreamt about this moment
564
00:21:45,554 --> 00:21:46,847
one time on an airplane.
565
00:21:46,930 --> 00:21:48,366
I was escorted off.
It's not important.
566
00:21:48,390 --> 00:21:50,225
Hey, I'm as
surprised as you are,
567
00:21:50,308 --> 00:21:52,102
but you know, what can I say?
568
00:21:52,185 --> 00:21:53,437
That book broke my brain.
569
00:21:53,520 --> 00:21:54,938
So let's make the best of this
570
00:21:55,022 --> 00:21:57,107
reverse Beauty and the
Beast nightmare, right?
571
00:21:57,190 --> 00:21:58,275
Wait, what?
572
00:21:58,358 --> 00:22:00,444
Anyway, wanna go to
Hand Stuff Point?
573
00:22:06,033 --> 00:22:08,076
Fred, while I'm
glad you've learned
574
00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:09,619
to appreciate inner beauty...
575
00:22:09,703 --> 00:22:12,122
Oh, yes. Speak
your mind, baby.
576
00:22:12,205 --> 00:22:15,000
Right. Well, I also
prefer inner beauty.
577
00:22:15,083 --> 00:22:16,835
And, yes, up until right now,
578
00:22:16,918 --> 00:22:18,253
I found you irresistible.
579
00:22:18,336 --> 00:22:20,297
But now I just find you gross.
580
00:22:20,380 --> 00:22:21,256
What? How?
581
00:22:21,339 --> 00:22:23,425
You know I'm rich, right?
582
00:22:23,508 --> 00:22:26,178
Like, I once sat through
an entire opera rich.
583
00:22:26,261 --> 00:22:27,971
Sorry, Fred, but
for what it's worth,
584
00:22:28,055 --> 00:22:30,015
I am keeping the
picture you sent me
585
00:22:30,098 --> 00:22:31,098
for plane rides.
586
00:22:48,658 --> 00:22:51,119
If Velma can be herself,
Gigi, so can you.
587
00:22:54,081 --> 00:22:55,749
Hey, watch
where you're going.
588
00:22:55,832 --> 00:22:57,876
Valedictorians have
the right of way.
589
00:22:57,959 --> 00:22:58,959
Gigi?
590
00:22:59,002 --> 00:23:00,295
Hi.
591
00:23:00,378 --> 00:23:02,547
Are you talking about my IQ?
592
00:23:03,632 --> 00:23:04,800
You tell me.42741
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