All language subtitles for The Flying Nun s03e07 The Not So Great Impostor.eng

♪♪

[barks]

[Jacqueline]
When Joe Barnes was fired from theMiami Clarion,

he decided to come to San Tanco
and write a book.

At the end of 115 days,

Joe had written 115 pages,

all numbered page 1.

♪♪

Yeah, so you just saw
a flying nun,

and she was flying around
up there without a plane.

Yeah, yeah.

They must have good booze
there in San Tanco.

Reeves, I'm telling you
I'm cold sober,

and I saw a nun flying.

Would I lie to you?

Sure.
Why should today be different?

If this is a gimmick to get
your job back, it won't work,

so don't waste my time,
because I don't believe it,

and I don't believe
you're writing a book.

I don't have to
write a book now.

I've got a story with pictures

that I can sell to
any magazine or newspaper

in the country
if you don't want it.

So strain that
through your mustache,

because you're in for
a big, fat surprise, buddy.

[Jacqueline]
Joe Barnes was in for a bigger one.

♪♪

Carlos, old pal.

Why don't you make that
"ex-pal"?

Is that any way
to talk to a man

who's come to pay off
his obligations?

To pay off
your obligations?

Okay.

I'll go along with the gag.

You owe me $480.

Exactly.

What does that look like?

Well, it looks like a check
for $580 made out to me

and dated a week from today.

Right.
Don't tell me.

You want me to give you
the extra hundred right now

in exchange for this piece of
rubber you have in your pocket.

This check'll be good
in a week,

bet your life on it.
No bet.

Carlos, if I'm lying,
you're out another hundred.

If I'm not,
you're ahead 480.

Now how can you turn down
odds like that?

You're unbelievable.

Okay.

I'll give you the hundred.

Now you can call that the Carlos
Ramirez award for chutzpah.

You know what chutzpah is?

I can't say I do.

Chutzpah is
a man who kill his parents

and then throws himself
on the mercy of the court

because he's an orphan.

Carlos, you're a prince.
And you're a jerk.

Why don't you make peace
with that editor in Miami

and get your old job back?

Nah, because I'm onto something
bigger than that two-bit job.

You know where
there's a convent around here?

Yeah. A couple of them.

Well, at this one,
the nuns wear big, white hats

that stretch out like
bird wings.

Sounds like
the Convent San Tanco. Why?

Because
one of the nuns there

does something
you wouldn't believe.

And when I get
a picture of her doing it,

I'm going to parlay that picture
into a medium-sized fortune.

[pops lips]

Would you get me
the Reverend Mother's office

at the Convent San Tanco,
please?

♪♪

If this Mr. Barnes gets
a story with pictures

of you
and your unusual talent,

uh, that will mean
that the Convent San Tanco

will turn into a carnival.

I think it would be wise
if you were grounded

until further notice.

Right.

May I suggest
we spread the word

to everyone in the convent
to button up?

You mean to say
someone's going around

with their
buttons open?

Sister Sixto,

"button up" means to be careful
and keep quiet.

Oh, then I will say
to "zip the zipper," heh.

You've got it,
eh, sort of.

[tailor] May I say, sir, I think
you are a wonderful human being.

[Barnes] Come now. I'll probably get
more pleasure out of this

than he will.
Oh, but to do this, to--

To buy a complete new outfit
for a priest who's too poor

to buy it for himself,
it's--

Well, it's just
such a lovely gesture.

'Tis more blessed to?

Give than to receive.

Amen.

Isn't it fortunate?

It is just your size.
Is it?

You know,
I cannot understand

why we did not receive
your cable from Nigeria,

Father Flaherty.

The Nigerians
are great with spirit,

but a little lacking
with the wireless.

No great harm has been done.

With the good Lord's help,

I'm sure that I'll be able
to find lodgings

at some hotel or another.

Oh, no, you must stay
right here with us.

No.
'Tis a great inconvenience,

I'm sure.
Not at all.

We are always happy
to welcome visiting priests.

I shall have Sister Ana
show you to your room.

Will you say grace,
Father, please?

Grace?

Yes.

You know, in Nigeria,
we always said a silent grace.

Silent grace?

With the native drums
speaking interminably,

a bit of quiet during dinner

was a true blessing indeed.

It's quite simple.

We bow our heads
and think whatever we want.

Time's up. Let's eat.

Amen.

I'll go along with that.

Ah, ahem, what are you doing
in San Tanco, Father?

Research, Sister.

I'm preparing a series
of articles

for The...
Christian Science Monitor.

A priest writing for
The Christian Science Monitor?

And also for
the B'nai B'rith bulletin.

Spread the word
wherever we can.

That sounds
interesting, Father.

What's the topic?

Life in the convent.

The human side as opposed to
the religious.

Somebody's opposing
our religion?

No, child. I merely try
to show nuns as-- As people.

That's a refreshing
point of view.

You'd be surprised how the world
looks upon your sect.

Not me. Except
maybe my parents.

You know
how parents are.

I'm sure that we are all
going to enjoy

Father Flaherty's stay
very much.

How long will you
be here, Father?

Few days at the most.

I brought my camera along
to take some photos

along with the article,
but the trouble is,

I barely know one end
of the thing from the other.

Oh, Sister Bertrille
can help you.

She's a regular
camera worm.

Bug,
if you don't mind.

Well, I don't want to put you
to any bother.

Perhaps I'd best forget
about the photos.

Okay.

On the other hand,

it would be ungracious of me

not to accept
your kind assistance.

Top of morning
to you.

Good morning, Father.

Heh. Playing jacks.

Yep.

Looks like fun.

Wanna try?

Well, I barely get
beyond threesies,

but I'd give it a go.

[chuckles]

Tell me,
who's your favorite Sister?

Oh, we're not allowed
to have favorites.

Anyway,
they're all pretty nice.

Ah, to be sure.

But each one is different.
Am I right?

I guess so.

Well, now, is there anything
out of the ordinary

about, say...
Sister Jacqueline?

She's a real good
second baseman.

And how about Sister Ana?

Sister Ana's very shy,

but she prays
louder than anyone.

You missed twosies,
and it's my turn.

Oh, sure. To be sure.

How about Sister Sixto?

Wow! I'll say.

What? What is it?

She talks funny.

She told Sister Bertrille

that you almost choked
when something you drank

went down the wrong
storm drain. Windpipe.

That's just what Sister
Bertrille said to Sister Sixto.

Missed. Your turn again.

Oh, is it?

Talking about Sister Bertrille,

is there anything...unusual
about her?

Only on windy days.

What happens on windy--

What happens on windy days?

I can't tell you.

Well, if you can't, you can't.

You know why I can't?
Nuh-uh.

Because the Reverend Mother
and the Sisters

made all of us promise
not to tell anyone

about Sister Bertrille.

All right.
I know all about her flying

if that's your big secret.

Well, you better not tell

or the Reverend Mother'll
give you what for.

Well, then, mum's the word.

Don't you wanna play jacks
anymore, Father?

My child, remember
what the good book said:

there's a time to work

and a time to play.

And in this light, 3.5 opening,
one-fiftieth of a second,

I think it's time to work.

♪♪

[Jacqueline]
That afternoon,

armed with a camera

and his beguiling
Irish brogue,

he began his campaign to force
Sister Bertrille into flying.

[meows]
Quiet,

or you'll wind up
in a tennis racket.

[meows]

Well, top of the morning
to you, Sister Bertrille.

Good morning, Father.

And a lovely morning
it is too.

I doubt if I'll ever be able
to find the words

to describe
the serenity of it all.

Well, if you can't
find the words,

why don't you
take a picture?

Well, easier said
than done.

I don't know how
the blooming thing works.

Let me show you.
It's very easy. Yeah.

See, now, you turn
this little thing here

for the light exposure.

Then you turn this
little doohickey right here

for focusing.

And you pull this little
thingamabob back like that

and push the button.

That's all there is.
Yes.

I'll see you in church,
Father. Yeah.

Sister Bertrille?

Is that a cat I hear?

I don't hear anything.

There he is,
way up there

in the top of the tree.
[cat meows]

Oh, it's Rudolfo.

Rudolfo,
what are you doing up there?

But isn't that cat country?

Well, for your average cat,

but Rudolfo's scared to death
of high places.

I can't understand it.

[meowing continues]

See what I mean?

Just hang on, Rudolfo.

I'll get you down.

I guess there's only one thing
left to do.

Yeah.

Get a ladder.

A ladder?

Oh, there's one
over there in the bushes.

Allow me.

Thank you, Father.

[meows]

Hang on, Rudolfo, baby.
We'll get you down.

Don't move a muscle now.

Just hang on.

Here, let me help you.

Easy.
There you go, child.

Wonderful.

Careful, Sister.

[meowing]
Hang on, Rudolfo, old sport.

I'll get you. Come on.

Come on. Come on.
Oh, yeah.

Oh.

Okay, Father.

I got him.
Coming down.

Saints preserve us,
Sister Bertrille!

The ladder fell down.
I'm afraid it's broke.

Looks like you'll have to
figure out another way down.

Oh, that-- That's okay.

I don't need the ladder.

That's what I figured.

♪♪

Sister Bertrille, would you
come up here a minute, please?

Not you other two girls.

I'll take your picture
down there.

[camera shutter clicks]
Oh, yeah.

Sister Bertrille,

would you be standing over here
leaning on the railing?

I want to take your picture
against this darling background.

Oh, well, it may be
a darling background,

but the sun is
right smack dab in your lens.

Well, that's what I want
to photograph, the sun.

Well, you're going to need
a filter for that.

I better see if I can
get you one.

Help!

Help!

Father!
Oh, my gosh!

Looks like the place
is falling apart.

Yes, and I'm not
in such good shape myself.

[chatters indistinctly]

Yes, sir, Mr. Ramirez,

I cashed the check
for Mr. Barnes.

It's good, isn't it?

Good as gold.

Now what did Mr. Barnes
buy with it?

Priest's habit.

A priest habit?

Now do you sell
priest habits to laymen?

It's not for Mr. Barnes.

Oh, heavens no.

No, it is a present
for a poor, ragged old priest.

Oh, a poor, ragged
old priest.

I think I know him.

He's about the same size
as Mr. Barnes, right?

Yes, isn't that wonderful?

Beautiful.

Despicable.

To turn the convent
into a circus

just for the sake of
a newspaper story?

Oh, I should have realized.

What shall we do?

Very simple.
I'll strangle him.

Señor Ramirez!

Okay. I'll shoot him.

Señor Ramirez,
I am serious.

So am I.

Well, the least we can do
is to have him arrested.

Do you really think
that that is wise?

We might then
receive the publicity

we have been trying
to avoid.

Well,
we cannot ignore it.

Where is he now?

And where is
Sister Bertrille?

Wait. They're together,
I believe.

She drove him into San Tanco
to buy kites for the children.

To buy kites?

Whose idea was that?

I-I-- I think
it was Father--

Mr. Barnes.
It figures.

Kites.

Now he will say,
Sister Bertrille,

before we get back
to the convent,

why don't we try the kites
to see if they will fly?

They will try them out.
She will run.

The kites will fly,
and so will she.

Click, click, click.

♪♪

[panting]

Sister Bertrille,
we've been swindled.

These kites,
they're defective.

Oh, well, they can't be.

They're Super Apollo 12s.

Bought them for children,
not astronauts.

Well, maybe you better
let me have a go at it.

Well, if you insist.

Yeah, well, thank you.

Oh, good grief!

[camera shutter clicking]

Sorry I'm late.

I had a little
kite trouble.

Father Flaherty
wanted to send it back,

but I said for him to let me
try and fly it, and I did.

And you went up with the kite.

And I went up with the...

Well, Father Flaherty was
the only one that saw me fly.

Why are you all looking at me
like that?

Father Flaherty
isn't Father Flaherty.

Beautiful, Father.

If you hadn't told me
they were fakes,

I would have sworn
they were actual pictures

of a nun really flying.
Heh, heh.

Yeah, we both know that's
impossible, don't we, boy?

It's been nice
doing business with you.

And I do appreciate that
nice discount you gave me.

That's your rate
for clergyman.

Anytime.
[chuckles]

May the wind always be
at your back.

Yeah.
Hello.

Here I am, waiting like
a leprechaun on a toadstool,

as Father Devlinaugh
used to say.

Did he now?
Oh, yes, he did indeed.

Ah, how did
your pictures come out?

Well, I'm not a photographer.

They're not at all
professional.

Not at all. Not at all.

Oh, the pity of it.

And all the trouble
you went to.

How about the pictures
of me flying?

Well, just fair to middlin'.

Well, it's no wonder.

mean, I was only up in the sky
a couple of moments.

And I didn't do
any stunts or anything.

Stunts?

Yes, you know, uh, slow rolls,

Immelmanns, loop-de-loops.

You should see me
buzz the convent.

I practically scrape the tar
off the roofs. Just swoop.

Do you now?

Oh, I do indeed.

Would you like to get some
pictures of me in action?

You'd pose for me?

Well, why not?
We're friends, aren't we?

Oh...
But there's only one condition.

What would that be?

If the pictures come out well,

I'd like to send
a couple of 'em to my family.

Of course, I'll pay for them.

No. It would be my pleasure,
Sister.

Oh, well, may
the little people reward you

for your generosity,
Father Flaherty.

♪♪

[camera shutter clicking]

[Jacqueline]
The good Father's camera went clickety click,

and so did
Sister Bertrille's brain.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

And may a cushion of shamrocks

ease the rocky road of life
for you.

[Jacqueline]
And what her brain came up with was so delightfully despicable,

Machiavelli must have
turned over in his grave.

[camera shutter clicking]
Okay, good. Great one. Uh-huh.

Hold it. Another one.

Okay. Uh, Sister Sixto,
get in. Okay. Uh-huh.

Hold it. Hold it.
Go high with the hand.

Great one. Oh, wonderful.

Okay, Reverend Mother.
You're next. Okay.

Okay.

Wonderful. Okay.
Face this way.

Okay, Reeves.

Take a look
at these pictures,

and then start bidding
for them.

I'm really going
to enjoy this.

I've enjoyed it.
So what else is new?

Talk about jaded.

These are authentic pictures
of a nun flying.

They're worth a fortune.
Authentic, are they?

Well, here are some
just about as authentic.

And I got them for free.

Let me read you the letter
that came with it.

Dear Mr. Reeves,

you may find the enclosed
photographs of some interest.

They were easy to do
by superimposing the subjects

against a painted backdrop.

But your former employee,
Mr. Roy Barnes,

took a number
of similar ones.

And for some reason,

he seemed to be under
the impression

that you would be willing to pay
a great deal of money for them.

Nevertheless, please accept
these with my compliments.

Yours sincerely,
signed Sister Bertrille.

You know, Barnes,
with your imagination,

how come you can't even finish
one lousy book?

Well, I had to come back
and tell you

that maybe
I did a rotten thing.

But I'm a newspaper man,
and I was after a story.

And you're nuns.

You're supposed to behave
like decent humans.

Mr. Barnes, do you qualify
as an expert on decency?

I'm a newspaper man,
and she's news.

Well, I'm censored.

And I'm finished,
because of you.

I'm sorry.
[Barnes] You're sorry?

I've got a sick wife
and two small children.

I figured maybe a story
about you with pictures,

and I'd get my job back,
maybe even a bonus.

But you've turned me into
the biggest liar

since Baron Munchausen.

Well, I give up.

Sorry I blew my top.

Mr. Barnes, would you mind

waiting outside
for a few moments?

Anything you say,
Sister.

Reverend Mother,
he's right. I'm a freak.

No, Sister Bertrille.

You are a nun who possesses
an unusual talent.

Which would make
a very good news story.

I mean, Reverend Mother,
how can you blame him?

Just because
he impersonated a priest?

Well, newspaper men win
Pulitzer prizes

for impersonating dope addicts
and gangsters.

Sister Bertrille,

we scarcely represent
the underworld element.

No, but we still
put the finger on him.

I think I have to go to Miami
and tell Mr. Reeves the truth.

Do you understand
what you are saying?

Yes. But it's
the only thing left to do.

And Mr. Barnes
was only doing his job.

I can't ruin his life
just to protect my own.

♪♪

[sighs]
Very well.

Will you come in,
please, Mr. Barnes?

Sister Bertrille has expressed
a desire to go to Miami

in order to corroborate
your story.

Sister!
One moment, please.

She will do this,
even though she knows

that the resulting publicity

will mean
the end of her life here.

She will fly
for your Mr. Reeves,

then she will
go into seclusion,

and she will never use this very
special gift of hers again.

You mean, she's willing
to do this for me?

For you and for your family.

Sister Bertrille...

...we shall miss you
very much.

And I believe that you
will miss us too.

Sorry, Sister.

Not a chance.

You see,
I've always believed

in doing anything
that had to be done

in order to get story.

And that includes lying.

Well, the biggest lie
I ever told

was that sob story I gave you
about the wife and kiddies.

I'm a bachelor.

Mr. Barnes!

My apologies, Reverend Mother.

This time, I really mean it.

Sister Bertrille,
now I know why you can fly.

You're an angel.

Well, adios,ladies,

and thank you for teaching me
something about myself

I never knew.

I'm not as big a heel
as I always thought I was.

♪♪

[exhales]
[exhales]

[knocks on door]

Come in.
[keys clacking]

Hi.

Shh.

How have you been?
You look marvelous.

Oh, thank you very much.

Coffee?

No, thank you. I'm flying.

[laughs]

Page 85?

Uh-huh.
Oh, that's fantastic!

Sent the first two chapters in
to the publisher.

Gave me a big, fat advance.

He loves it.
Oh, wow!

Well, you haven't told me

what it's about yet.

You wouldn't believe it.

Well, I'll believe it.
Honest.

No, I'll send you
an autographed copy

when it's published.
How's that?

Fine.

Couldn't you just give me
one teensy little hint?

Okay. I'll let you look
at the title page.

Okay, okay.

The Flying Nun
by Roy Barnes?

I don't believe it.

Oh, don't say that.

Because if you don't,
who will?

[laughs]

[speaks indistinctly]

[sighs]

♪♪

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0