All language subtitles for The Flying Nun s03e03 Speak the Speech, I Pray You.eng

♪♪

[barks]

[Jacqueline] At the Convent San Tanco,

we don't usually become
ecstatic about funerals,

but Sister Bertrille,
the Reverent Mother and I

just returned from services

for a very special man,
Father Carver.

There was
an even larger turnout

than for
his Easter sermon.

Yes. And it wasn't just
everybody from San Tanco.

All the showbusiness people
from the winter colony,

they were all there.

Well, he was practically
one of them.

Oh, remember how he used to play
the piano? And the drums?

Oh, and that
blues guitar?

And he sang beautifully.

And he was a great shortstop,
for a man 85.

[Sixto] The way he always wanted
to do things and be with people.

Why couldn't he have lived
to go to his own funeral?

[Jacqueline] At the very moment
Sister Sixto

was very quaintly
posing that question,

another question
was being answered:

who would replace
Father Carver?

The new priest for San Tanco
was Father Walter Larson,

the assistant
to the assistant curator

of archives at a seminary
in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

A brilliant man
with a bent toward research,

but a novice
about everything else,

including weddings, baptisms,
saint's-day masses,

cake sales,
and heated games of bingo.

♪♪

♪♪

[Jacqueline] Father Larson arrived
in San Tanco

at 8:30 in the evening.

At exactly 8:30
the next morning,

he arrived at the convent

to see an old friend of his,
our Reverend Mother.

Good morning, Father.
Good morning.

Good morning.

Please, be seated.

You must be Father Larson,
our new priest.

[stammers]
New priest in an old body, I'm afraid.

Oh, well,
I'm Sister Bertrille.

Oh, how do you do?
Oh, sorry.

Sister Sixto. Oh.

Good morning. Blessings.
Good morning.

Well, your ears certainly
must have been burning

in the last
couple of days.

I-- I beg your pardon?

You know what they say,

when people are talking
about you

that your ears are burning?
That's a finger of speech.

No, a "figure."
She pointed.

[Bertrille] Anyway, everyone's
been talking about you

and how you'd feel
about coming to San Tanco

after living in such--
If the father will forgive me,

such a swinging city
like Pittsburg.

There's a great deal
to do here.

I know. I saw
the church bulletin board.

[Bertrille] Oh, you can't judge by that.

Social activities are
slow this time of the year.

This is the slow time
of the year?

[Bertrille] Oh, my goodness, yes.

In July, things
really start humming.

You get in all the dances
and the bazaars... Ah, yes.

...and the game nights and the
Kiwanis and the Rotary club.

The Get Acquainted Banquet,
that's this weekend.

That's the first one,
but there must be

at least 20 banquets a year.

[Sixto] Sister Bertrille, there are not
20 banquets a year.

No, she's right.
There must be at least 30.

Now, and then there's
the fiestas.

I tell you,
Father Carver said

he felt like the parish
priest of Disneyland.

I'm afraid I'm not
familiar with that parish.

Oh, Lydia.

Walter.

My dear.

[both chuckle]

We'll clean up later.
Yes, thank you, Sisters.

Very nice to have met you,
Father Larson. Yes.

Welcome to San Tanco.
Blessings.

Well, won't you sit?
Oh, thank you, Lydia.

[both chuckling]

When I received
a phone call

early this morning
from a Father Larson,

I could hardly believe it was
my old friend of 20 years.

That's 23 years.

That was the year before
I went into archives work.

True. Well, Walter,
how are you?

Oh, as well
as could be expected.

Are you ill?
Yes.

At the thought
of taking over this parish.

[chuckles]
Oh, why, it's a lovely parish.

Not for someone who's been in
the archives room for 22 years.

Oh, I don't question
the church's wisdom.

I-- I ken my own weaknesses.

Oh, Lydia. Lydia, I've never
really been a priest.

Oh, I've worn the cloth, true.

But I've never performed
a marriage ceremony,

final rites,
that sort of thing.

I could see
that I could master those.

But these other things--

What other things?

All those activities
on the church bulletin board.

Oh.

Next week, a bake-off,

and the priest is the judge.

Lydia, I've been
around books, not people.

Walter, you are not expected
to be a social lion.

But according
to Sister Bertrille,

I should have taken training

as a fun director
on a cruise ship.

Sister Bertrille has a
great talent for exaggeration.

Is the Get Acquainted Banquet
an exaggeration?

Oh, no, the whole parish
will be there.

To hear me speak?

Oh, Lydia, I failed remedial
oratory three times in a row.

Since I became a priest,
I've never made a speech.

Not true, not true.

I did once address
a Bulgarian religious order.

Walter, the parish doesn't
expect a brilliant orator.

They deserve better
than me. No, they don't.

Oh, I mean--

You'll have them glued
to their seats, I'm sure.

Well, I hope so.
The Bulgarians walked out.

No. No, I just--
Walter.

I have a simple
solution for you.

Thank you, Reverend Mother,

and, uh, sisters, for allowing
yourselves to be hostages.

[clears throat]

Excuse me.

Well, I spent the entire morning
writing this speech.

With minor modifications,

it is the quintessence
of what I shall say

at the, uh, at the banquet.

[clears throat]

Ladies and gentlemen,

honored guests,

I approach this evening
with a sense

of vivitur parvo bene,
cui paternum splendet,

ex qua urbe veni?

From what city did he come?

And Catullus answered
that he came from Rome,

but that he was now
of Tybilium,

as I am now of San Tanco.

But, the poet asks,

Quid brevi fortes iaculamur

aevo multa?

[continues in Latin]

In China,

in old China,
many centuries ago

two boys on a small road,
brothers,

brothers both,

[speaking in Latin]

...And his brother.

[Larson continuing in Latin]

I change my allegiance
to San Tanco.

♪♪

[nuns applauding]

[applause continues]

It was not bad, Walter.
Not bad?

I almost fell asleep twice.

When I was quoting Milennius

and halfway through
the reign of Marcus Aurelius.

It was a beginning.

Lydia, would you like to hear
an unbiased opinion?

Walter, if you were
to ask Sister Bertrille

what she thought
about your speech,

I am certain that she would say
it was just fine.

Sister Bertrille, tell me,

how did the sisters like
being bored by my speech?

Oh, we loved being bored.

[stammers]
I mean, it was a speech, Father.

It was a speech.

You didn't mind
suffering?

Oh, no. We're nuns.
We're supposed to suffer.

I mean, I can honestly say

I have never heard
a speech quite like it.

That bad, hm?
Terrible.

Sister Bertrille.

I'm sorry, Reverend Mother.

Would you say it was the worst
speech you ever heard?

The worst.

[stammers]
But it did have its good points.

The truth, now.

It was absolutely
the worst speech I ever heard.

I'm sorry, Reverend Mother.

I try to bend the truth
but every time I do,

he looks at me
and I have to unbend it.

It's all right,
Sister Bertrille.

Oh, yes, my child.

Must be other priests
who can cope with San Tanco.

Lydia, I'm going back
to the archives.

Father. Father.

I don't wish to appear brazen
or anything,

but, you know, you're probably
a wonderful speaker

if anyone knew what
you were speaking about.

Yes, that's been my problem.

I've never mastered
the judicious use

of the monosyllabic
articulations.

That's what I mean.

If you'll forgive me.

I mean, you use
so many big words

that by the time
I figure out one

I have three more
waiting in line for me.

And those quotations.
They were dull too?

I almost fell asleep twice.

When you were quoting Milennius
and right in the middle of...

Marcus Somebody.
Aurelius.

That's the fellow.
Mm.

I must confess, Walter,

it was almost too much
for me too.

Father, um, perhaps
you could get someone

to lighten up your speeches.

You know, punch in
a few jokes?

Why, that's a splendid idea,
Sister Bertrille.

And perhaps I could be
of assistance.

Now, I know a very sweet
little joke--

Reverend Mother, that's not
quite what I had in mind.

Come on, now, you're not
a real nun.

They're doing Sound of Music
around here, am I right?

No, Mr. Simms.
[chuckling] I'm wrong?

All right then, Carlos.
You're putting me on.

Oh, Danny, what
do you want from me?

If I didn't get a writer
from the show business colony,

she was going
to jinx my casino.

Oh, now, I merely hinted
that I might mention something

about your jackpots
at evening prayer.

All I want today
is some help with this speech.

Yeah, but I never wrote
for a priest before.

True, I've written
for some stars

who wanted a church
named after them,

one who wanted
a whole religion.

I shouldn't knock him,
'cause I won an Emmy with him.

You've won an Emmy?

Mr. Simms, you just
have to help him.

You must know a lot
of small words.

Wha-- What's his style?

Well, he's, uh...

He's sort of a...

He doesn't have a style
That's your problem. Mine?

That's the way
she always does it.

A man with your experience
could make him into anything.

Like Rex Harrison did
with Julie Andrews, you know?

What I had in mind was

something that could make him
seem easy and relaxed.

Like Dean Martin,
but no drinking jokes.

Or, or...

♪♪

"And I hope to become
pretty good

at this after-dinner
speaking.

I'll probably end up speaking

every time I see
a white cloth put on a table.

I may even end up speaking
at appendectomies."

I don't know. I seem
to ask this every time,

[stammers]
Do you think this is really me?

[clears throat]
That speech is you, Father.

You're right. That's me.

You don't have to get a laugh
every five seconds.

I wouldn't do that to you.

But I do believe
in getting 'em

when you're going for 'em.

There's an epigram
by Publilius Syrus

which crystalizes my dilemma.

"En librarium--"
Father.

Put in what you said.

We finished our chores
a little early

so I thought we'd
come over and help.

All right, Father Larson,
you've got yourself a speech.

Listen, let me know
how you make out, huh?

I will. And I'll find
a way to pay you.

Oh, you want to pay me?
Write me a thank-you note.

The guys in Hollywood
are never gonna believe

how I spent my vacation.

He has two Emmys, you know.

Oh, really?

Well, we mustn't judge him.

I'm sure he's
a fine man anyway.

Would you like to, uh,
hear the speech he wrote?

Oh, we'd love to--
I'm afraid not--

Have lots of work to do.
We'd love to hear it.

Good. Sit right over here.
Please.

♪♪

[clears throat]

"A funny thing happened to me
on the way to San Tanco.

I arrived early in the morning
in a cab.

I walked into the church.

And there, I saw a pool
which I backed into.

I realized later I had almost
drowned in the holy water.

I knew it was holy
because it was full of holes.

That, incidentally, reminds me

of the story of the elephant.

Do you know why an elephant
is like a can of tomatoes?

Because neither one of them
can ride a bicycle.

I suddenly realized
that 'San Tanco'

meant 'Tank Town'
in Puerto Rican.

And I hope to become pretty good
at this after-dinner speaking.

I'll probably end up
speaking every time

I see a white cloth
put on a table.

So I would now like to extend
an invitation of my own.

A cheery, drop-on-in,

and have a mass on me."

[chortles]

Well, you knew
the speech was for a priest.

Doesn't the president have
joke writers for his speeches?

Where do you think he gets
all these funny things

he says about
the vice president?

I don't know. But Carlos,
You have to do something else.

Like what?
Well, you bought

a lot of tickets to
the banquet, didn't you?

[Carlos] Yeah. For all my employees.

Good.
Then you can order them

to laugh at all
of Father Larson's jokes.

Like a click.

A clock?
A claque.

I knew it wasn't a clock.

You want me
to load the house

like I do for a comic
in my casino?

Just enough to give him
a little confidence.

For a priest?
I mean, you load the casino

when you want to get
great reviews in the papers

but for a priest?

He's not only a priest,

he's a terrible comedian.

[Sixto] It'll break his heart.

He'll fall apart.
His whole world'll crumble.

Can't you get your people
to just laugh a little?

Like, every time
he opens his mouth?

Listen to
the wonderful turnout.

Oh, yes, Lydia.
Yes.

I was just debating
a course of action.

Walter, when you practiced your
speech for me this afternoon,

it was much better than
on the other occasions.

And I heard this
morning's version

and it was
coming along.

You know, St. Augustine
once said

that an unfortunate side effect
of the religious life

was that one forgot
how to lie convincingly.

Oh, I thought I was lying
rather convincingly.

I don't tell jokes well,
do I?

Oh, your jokes are much better
than your quotations.

Yes, well, at least
they are my quotations.

[nuns chuckle quietly]

He's a dealer too.
Good. Let's go in there.

No, I'd rather stick around
and make sure

that Carlos' people
remember about the laughing.

We need all those laughs.

Come on.

♪♪

♪♪

Uh, don't be surprised
if my speech

receives
a rather somber reception.

[chuckles nervously]

Ladies and gentlemen,
here is Father Larson.

[all applauding]

Thank you.

[clears throat]

Mr. Procuna, Mrs. Procuna.

Reverend Mother,
Sister Jacqueline

Oh, and, uh,
Mr. Ramirez.

Ladies and gentlemen,

at this humble moment,

I am reminded
of the arrival

of another man
to a strange city.

Ex qua urbe veni?

[audience laughs]

From what city did he come?

[audience chuckling]

That question
posed to Catullus

never seemed
to be humorous before.

[chuckles]

Catullus answered
that he came from Rome.

But that he was now
of Tybilium.

[audience laughing]

As I am now
of San Tanco.

[audience laughing]

Oh, here you are.

I, uh, I just
couldn't leave

without thanking you
for what you did.

They didn't tell you?
Who?

What were they
supposed to tell me?

[sighs]

Father, do you believe
in reincarnation?

I've never entertained
the concept.

Well, I do. I think I must
have been something else

like the iceberg
that sank the Titanic

or the cow that started
the Chicago fire.

I guess I better give it
to you straight, huh?

How would you like
to have a seat first?

Oh, it was one
of my bright ideas again.

You see, every time
you got a laugh,

I was to blame.

You had
that little faith in me?

You didn't believe
that I had

the inner strength
to bear the suffering?

Oh, please, please.

Forgive me, Sister Bertrille.
Forgive you? For what?

I caused you to weaken.
To lose your faith.

Goodbye, Sister Bertrille.
Sister Jacqueline.

[Bertrille] Wait, Father Larson. Wait.

Father Larson,

the Reverend Mother's not back.

You just can't leave
without saying goodbye to her.

I did. In a note.
Oh, Father.

I beg your indulgence
for one moment.

I'd like to say

that, well, I won't forgive you
unless you forgive me.

Forgiveness is not
a cord of wood to be bartered.

No. Well. I don't know
who forgives who for what.

But I do know that
you just can't quit.

My child, this is not
the Notre Dame football team.

You are not Knute Rockne.
I know.

But I am an expert
on failing.

Let me tell you something.

I once had a lot
of trouble flying.

Many people
are afraid to fly.

Not that kind of flying.

Well, what other kind
is there?

Well, here goes,
if you'll excuse me.

♪♪

This kind of flying.

I guess I should've
broken it to you more gently.

[stammers]
You were flying.

Yes, well,
the first time they saw me,

eight of the sisters fainted.

[stammers]
You were flying.

It's not a miracle
or anything.

I work aerodynamically.

And at first,
I was just terrible at it.

You were flying.

Because of the shape
of my hat and my weight.

But all in all, I was the
lousiest flier in the whole sky.

But now I'm
pretty good at it, huh?

You are, you are.

Well, you see
what I'm trying to tell you?

Well, you should have seen
some of my take-offs.

Let me show you.

Sometimes I get caught
in an up-draft

or a down-draft.

Or I come in
for a rough landing

and ground loop.

You see? I wouldn't
quit trying.

Every time I failed,

I went right back up
and tried again.

Now, I'm one of the best
flying nuns in the whole world.

There are others?

No, I don't think so.

I was just trying
to be modest.

The point is, Father,
you can't quit trying.

For some strange reason,

I'm filled
with magnificent new hope.

If you did fly,
or if you didn't,

it's as if someone were
trying to tell me something.

You'll keep trying?

What?

You know, I'm beginning
to believe

in reincarnation myself.

I think you are Knute Rockne.

Oh, thank you very much.

♪♪

Row G, 62.

Now, keep your eyes
on your bingo cards,

ladies and gentlemen.

Here we go again.

Bingo?

He's still not as good
as Father Carver,

rest his soul, but he's giving
it the good old college try.

Shucks.

Row B, 1.

Did I hear a "Bingo?"

[all] Bingo.

♪♪

♪♪

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