All language subtitles for Life.As.We.Know.It.2010.720p.x264-@lubokvideo

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[SIGHS]

[KNOCKlNG]

[SIGHS]

Okay.

-Ehh.
-Hi.

-Holly.
-Eric.

-Messer.
-Messer.

-Messer. Yeah, everybody calls me Messer.
-Well, it's nice to finally meet you, Messer.

-Am I late?
-Um, just an hour.

But l just finished getting ready,
and Alison said it was your m.o., so...

-Peter said you'd probably say something.
-Ha, ha. Oh, did he? Oh, okay.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

-Neat. Should we go?
-Yeah, yeah, let's go.

Yeah, let's get some dinner.
I'm super hungry. lt's been like an hour.

HOLLY:
So l hear you just moved to Atlanta.

MESSER: Yep.
-Oh.

-How long have you known Pete for?
-High school.

Oh, wow.

Oh, thank you.

I've known Alison since college.
We were in a sorority together.

-Where's your car?
-Right here.

-Here you go.
-Oh.

Come on.

Hold on tight.
I promise l won't read into it.

[REWING ENGlNE]

-l'm not really dressed for 40-mile-an-hour--
-What?

I'm not really dressed
for 40-mile-an-hour winds.

[ENGINE STOPS]
[HOLLY CHUCKLES]

Sorry. l just--

You know, I don't even think
I could really get my leg up over it, so....

But l'll drive.

My car's right here.
And it's new, so l love driving it.

-lt's a sweet ride.
-Thanks.

Hop in.

[MESSER GRUNTS]

All right.

HOLLY: Hm.
-Huh.

So where shall we go?

Uh, where did you make the reservations?

That you said you were gonna make.
You didn't make them?

-l said that?
-lt's cool. Whatever.

Yeah, it's cool.
We can go anywhere, l don't care.

We can-- You pick it.

We'll grab a table
and we'll just slide right in.

Okay. Well, how about Caf� Five?
You ever been there?

-Sounds good.
-My friend from culinary school is the--

TRlCK DADDY [SlNGING ON RINGTONE]:
Pull over, that ass is too fat

-lt's just my cell phone.
-l figured.

-You can answer it if you--
-No, no, it'll go to voicemail.

[RlNGTONE CONTINUES]

-Okay.
-Just....

Yeah, well, l was just saying my friend
from culinary school is actually the--

You know what?
Go ahead, just answer it, it's fine.

-l'm-- l can wait.
-All right. Yeah. lt's a little too loud.

Hey, you.

Well, you know me,
always in the middle of something.

Yeah, okay, yeah. Eleven?

Yeah. You know what?
Why don't we make it 1 0:30?

All right. All right, later.

Okay.

I'm sorry, it's a.... lt's a sick friend.

You know, we don't have to do this.

Really?

-Okay.
-Oh, my God, are you serious?

Okay, let's be honest.

You knew the moment you saw me
you didn't like me.

But our mutual friends set this up,
so l think we owe it to them to--

To what,
spend a few hours faking small talk?

Look, best case,
we get drunk and we hook up.

What kind of an asshole are you?

Look, it's a Saturday night.
I just wanna have some fun.

I can go see my sick friend,
and you can go do...

...whatever it is you like to do
on a Saturday night.

You look like you read.
You can go read a book.

-Do you blog?
-Do l blog? Okay. You know what?

If you wanted to ensure that this
wasn't gonna be a lousy night, here's a tip:

Don't show up an hour late,
and don't make a booty call.

-She's sick.
-Oh, right.

Were you going to heal her
with your magic penis?

Okay.

-Fine. lf you wanna go out, we'll go out--
-Oh, my God, no.

I'm not going out with you now.
What are you, crazy?

Get out of my car.
Get out of my Smart car.

-l don't know what they were thinking.
-Me neither.

Alison, oh, my God.
The only way you can make this up to me...

...is if you promise
I never have to see him again.

[MOTORCYCLE STARTS]

HOLLY: Really, you are like
the most important woman in my life...

...and Alison is the sister I never had.

And l love you so much,
and l'm so grateful for you and Peter.

[LAUGHS]

Look at Mess. ln back.

MAN: Nice.
WOMAN: Whoo.

[APPLAUSE]

Yeah.

Anyway, I was just trying to say
how excited I am for you--

I love you. Alison.

Messer, it's my turn. lt's my turn.
You already gave your speech.

PHOTOGRAPHER: Are you maid of honor?
-Yes.

Can we switch you guys out?
I need you next to the bride.

Get right in here with you guys.

Don't touch me.
I knew you were gonna do that.

-Don't touch me. Don't encourage him.
ALlSON: Ha-ha-ha!

HOLLY:
Stop it. l swear to God. Stop.

I'm sorry, I can't stand next to him.

PETER: Hey, guys.
Here we are at the holiday party. Holly, Ben.

Here you go.

PETER:
How's that first date going, guys?

WAITRESS:
I mean, what really happened? Tell me.

[MESSER CHUCKLING]

PETER:
Yo, Mess. Mess.

-She has work to do.
-Dude. Dude.

-Help me. Take the camera.
-Give me the camera.

PETER:
Whoa, check it out.

Come here.
Look at Alison's bun in the oven.

Bun in the oven.
Excuse me, guys. All right? Honey?

MESSER:
Well, well, look at that.

-She's my daughter.
MESSER: Won't be long now.

ALlSON:
Don't squeeze the belly.

MESSER:
Hey, Holly. What's this?

[MESSER MAKES KlSSlNG SOUNDS]

Come on, just a little Christmas kiss.
Just give him a--

Great. Yay, happy holidays.

[MOUTHS]
You are an asshole.

Hi, baby girl.

Hi. Oh, my gosh.

[SOPHlE COOS]

-Baby.
-Hi.

Hold on, Messer, I just got her.

PETER: She's with Aunt Holly now.
-Dude.

-Careful, Messer. Gently.
-l got her. l got her.

-Whoa!
-Oh!

-Honey.
-l'm just playing.

PETER: lt's not funny.
-She's fine.

-She's like a little football.
-Would you stop it? Messer. Messer.

-Okay.
-Stop it, seriously.

["KlDS" PLAYlNG ON STEREO]

PETER & ALlSON [SlNGlNG]:
Cats have kittens

Doggies have pups

Horses have pretty foals

And sheep have lambs

Cows have calves
And I bet you didn't know

That elephants have calves too

Lions and leopards have cubs

Which is the proper thing for them to do

[COOlNG]

PETER: She's gonna blow if you keep
doing that. She's in a puking phase.

MESSER:
No, she loves it.

She loves it, don't you, Soph?

You're the only girl l'll ever shave for.
You know that?

Speaking of, why didn't Liz come?
I thought you were getting serious.

No, we ended that a few weeks ago.
It wasn't working out.

PETER: What happened?
-l don't know.

I just didn't see us
on that long march towards death together.

-Oh, my bad. l thought you liked this girl.
-That was you. I just thought she was hot.

Honey, don't forget
to tip the castle guys.

[TEENAGERS SPEAKlNG lNDlSTlNCTLY]

They show up late
and made me do the work.

-But, sure, let's tip the castle guys.
TEENAGER: Grasshopper.

So l started taking Sophie
to this new family practice.

HOLLY:
Mm-hm.

There's this doctor there. He's so cute.

I may have finally replaced
my Anderson Cooper crush.

-Anyway, l noticed no ring...
-Scoot.

...so l started a conversation
with his nurse.

-No.
-l pretended to like her nails.

-No. We agreed to a moratorium on setups.
-How do you know you won't like him?

You have the worst
setup track record ever.

-Like who?
-The shoplifter. Adult-braces guy.

Unbelievable.
You're still holding that over me.

I'm not even gonna
get into the Messer Debacle of '07.

Well, that was Peter.
I hardly even knew him then.

You knew he called himself Messer.
And you're my best friend.

You can't be like those women
who judge me because l don't wear a ring.

I'm not.

In the meantime,
you keep having gorgeous babies...

...and l will keep spoiling them with this.

Seriously,
that's better than my wedding cake.

-l made your wedding cake.
-lt was a little dry.

[HOLLY SCOFFS]

Don't let any fat grown-ups in
while the kids are inside.

[CHUCKLlNG]

Have you guys been smoking marijuana?

-That's illegal.
-You're stoned.

What are you holding? Let me see it.
Come on, you want me to call the cops?

Please don't. My dad's a pastor.

[MESSER CHUCKLES]

All right, l'm taking this.
Next time, you are gonna be trouble.

-Now get out of here.
-That's--

-Get out of here.
-Get out of here!

TEENAGER: l bought that stuff.
-Totally unacceptable.

Delivery kids show up
stoned out of their minds.

-Who needs a dealer?
-Aren't you respectable now?

Relax. Once a year,
under the right circumstances...

...Alison and I like to relive our youth.

-Once a year?
-Yeah--

-Yeah, right. Once a year.
-All right, maybe twice a year.

Wanna go? Come on, come on.

-Messer, do not bounce her too much.
-She's fine. She loves it, look at her.

-Mess, l'm warning you.
-Come on, she's fine. Ohh!

Oh, my God. She--

Oh, my God.

Don't worry, Sophie, you're not the first girl
to throw up on Uncle Messer.

Hey, Sophie, look.
Look, that's what bitter looks like.

Messer, go up to Peter's closet and
grab something before everyone gets here.

-Why, what time is it?
-lt's 1 1 .

Though it's only 1 0 in Messer time.
You know, I'm surprised you're even up.

-You keep your watch on during sex.
-At least I don't wear my cap everywhere.

You can take it off now.
We all know about the receding hairline.

It's a widow's peak.
I don't have a receding hairline.

Hey, baby's birthday. Neutral corners.
Take a glass.

First birthday,
you can take your hat off for pictures.

-There it is.
-Before everyone gets here...

...we wanted to toast
Sophie's favorite people.

PETER:
And our best friends.

We made it through her first year
with most of our sanity thanks to you guys.

-We love you guys.
-Are you crying?

Mothers cry.

[DOORBELL RlNGS]

-The babysitter's here.
-Why do you need a babysitter?

Because she's a genius.

When Sophie goes nuclear,
she can calm her down.

-We call her the baby whisperer.
-Oh, the baby whisperer, huh?

-Hey, is she hot?
-Totally hot.

HOLLY: What's wrong with you?
-Hey, everybody, this is Amy.

-Hello, Amy.
-Look who's here.

AMY:
Sophie.

Let's go get you changed, hm?

Thank you.

Are you serious?
That's the baby whisperer?

Really, if she was old enough
to have sex with Peter, I'd be obsolete.

-You'll never be obsolete, babe. Come here.
-Mm-hm.

Oh, my God. Could you step away?
You reek of baby puke.

Oh, really?

-You do. Get away from me.
-Excuse me.

You've all met before.

-You met before. Remember Sophie?
-l can't believe you guys have four now.

WOMAN: Did she have any tearing?
DEEDEE: Oh, yeah, stem to stern.

They had to crack that woman open
like a lobster.

Excuse me.
Excuse me, miss, are you the caterer?

Yes, and Alison's friend.

Okay, because you need
to come and sit here.

Okay? You need to come over here
right now and sit down.

Someone is in trouble...

-...because you make food to die for.
-Oh. Ha, ha.

Thank you.

-l was a real jock back in college.
-Yeah?

Mm-hm. A sprinter.

-Really?
-Yeah, ran a 4.2 40.

-Wow, that's fast.
-Yeah, it's fast.

How else do you think l snagged
Miss Pennsylvania here?

-Uh-oh. Who's talking about me? Okay.
-Oh, here she is.

Okay, that's good for now.
So who is this? Hi, l'm Beth.

-Messer.
-Nice to meet you.

-Nice to meet you.
-We have not met before.

I would remember this face of his.

If you've got a loving partner,
you can get through anything. Hey, Scott!

-Yeah, I'm--
-Scott!

-Hold that. Hold on.
-Hey, Scott.

-l was trying to get the boys fed.
-Okay.

I think Conner may have gotten himself
into a little trouble, you know what l mean?

-Okay, okay.
-This is my husband, Scott.

-Hi, how are you?
-lt's nice to meet you. Holly.

Okay. l left those diapers in the car.

We used to have sex.

We used to have sex all the time,
you know, everywhere.

Everywhere.

Then the baby needs to be fed,
the kids need to be asleep...

...and they have to have slept
the night before or else you're exhausted.

-Hi, I'm Ted's partner, Gary.
-Busted.

No, I'm actually single, l'm....

-lt's just me.
-Okay, okay.

Well, you serve good meats and cheeses.

-l think we were all talking about that.
-Thank you.

That's something.
I think that's good to have as a skill.

-Did you wrap those?
-Yes, I did.

Look at that. She wraps.
I don't touch meat.

Only with my lips.

ALL [SlNGlNG]:
Happy birthday, dear Sophie

Happy birthday to you

[ALL CHEERING]

Guys, l want a picture of Sophie
with her godparents.

Okay.

-Amazing.
-She looks excited.

Picture.

All right, on three say,
"Messer has a widow's peak."

One, two....

-Cheese.
ALlSON: Sophie.

DEEDEE:
Yay.

HOLLY:
Is it a good party? You want some cake?

MESSER:
Come on, here we go.

Oh. Ohh!

-Hi.
-Hey.

You wanna get a late breakfast?

No, I can't. I got a game in an hour.
I gotta go shower.

-Mm. Are you sure about that?
-Yeah, I'm sure. There's coffee.

Oh, and mugs are in the cabinet.

HOLLY: Ooh. This looks delicious.
-lt's not ready.

-l'm just taking a bite.
-The crumb is too fine.

-l should've gone with Ceylon cinnamon.
-Oh, my God.

-Cassia's just wrong.
-You're a genius. You are.

You may be bipolar, but you're a genius.
I swear, l would eat them out of the trash.

-l would, they're so good.
-That's nasty.

Hey, Free-Range Turkey's here.

Where you going? See, l knew it.
You do this every time he comes in.

-l know you get excited.
-l'm just trying to be responsible.

I'm gonna take over here. Thank you.

LONNIE: You don't act like this
when Old Man Johnson comes in.

-Don't be a smart-ass. Go fix your cookies.
-Okay.

-Hey.
-Let me guess.

-Free-range turkey on baguette?
-l'm getting predictable, huh?

Well, l like to think of it as dependable.
It's been 35 of the same sandwich.

-Hm. You're counting?
-lsh. Thirty-five-ish.

You know, there are other things on
the menu if you'd like to try something else.

-Surprise me.
-Okay. All right, great.

-Do you like croissants?
-l do, yeah.

Good, then I've got just the thing.

How come you don't wear one of those
white coats with your name on it?

So l'd know what it is.

-lt's Holly.
-Holly. Sam.

-Nice to meet you.
-We met 35 sandwiches ago.

Thirty-six now.

-Thanks. Keep the change.
-Oh, thanks.

Sure you don't wanna throw your card
in the bowl?

Winner gets a free lunch.

How about a free dinner on me?

Eh-eh-eh.

Be cool, be cool.
Let him get out the door. Damn.

-Go.
-Okay. Oh, no.

Which one was it?
Okay, that's a Benjamin. Oh, there's a Sam.

-l could pick one for you--
-How many Sams are there in this city?

ANNOUNCER: And the Atlanta Hawks
trying to work it out over the other side.

ALAN:
Come on, people, let's bump up the energy.

It's an exciting game here. Come on.

ANNOUNCER: And he scores.
-Go 7.

Simon, I need shooting percentages.
Ready 8. Let's zoom in on 8.

More, more, more. Yep, right there. Go 8.

Ready 2. And go 2.
Ready 6. Where's my 6?

The Hawks are about to press.
We should stay in the backcourt.

ANNOUNCER: --pass inbound.
Stolen by Bibby to Smith underneath.

Good call, Mess.
Simon, I asked for shooting percentages.

Let's go. You're too ugly not to be smarter.
Come on, let's go.

-l hate him so much.
ALAN: Ready 4.

I wanna frame somebody's murder on him,
you know?

-Fingerprints, scene of the crime.
-What's that, Simon?

Shooting percentages coming up, sir.

Hi, Sam, this is Holly Berenson
from Fraiche.

I think you left your card in my bowl today
for the free lunch.

I hope you did, because you're one
of four Sams who did this week.

And if it is you and you asked me out,
I accept.

-lf it's--
WOMAN 1 : Hello?

-Hello?
-Why are you calling my husband?

-Right, you're his wife. Of course.
-We're very happily married.

I understand that you're happily married.

Really, l didn't mean anything by it.
I'm so sorry. Okay.

You take care. I'm sorry.

-Hi, Sam?
WOMAN 2: Yes, Samantha.

Oh, Samantha. Oh, it's a Samantha.
I'm sorry, I have the wrong--

Maybe not. You single?

I am single, yes.

Hi, Sam Nelson. Dr. Sam Nelson.

This is Holly Berenson from Fraiche...

...and l am really hoping
that you're the Sam l talked to today.

If not, l'm screwed
because you're the last Sam...

...who put his card in the bowl
for a free lunch.

[CHUCKLES]
[PHONE BEEPS]

Oh, l'm sorry.

Call waiting.

Hello?

[MAN SPEAKlNG INDlSTlNCTLY]

Yes, this is she.

Excuse me.
I'm looking for an Officer Young.

YOUNG: The officer at the scene
found your name and number...

...on an insurance contact card
in her wallet.

Now, we need numbers
for the nearest next of kin.

Can you supply those?

HOLLY:
Yeah. Pete's dad, um....

How did you say the car flipped?
It flipped when it hit the...?

-Are you sure you wouldn't like to sit down?
-They have a baby girl.

Sophie. Was she in the car?
Was she in the car with them?

No. She was in the care of a minor,
a babysitter, at the time of the accident.

So the officers placed her with CPS
for the night.

-She's perfectly fine.
-CPS?

Child Protective Services.

Where they take cases like this.

Cases like this?

Orphaned children.

Messer.

No, no, no. I just don't understand
why we can't see her tonight.

No, ma'am,
I don't care about your protocol. This is--

Yes, l will be here at this number. Yes.

They won't do anything,
not till 8 a.m. tomorrow.

Okay, okay. I'm sure that she's fine.

You know,
why don't we sleep here tonight?

That way we're here if they call early.
All right?

-Okay.
-Why don't you take the guest bedroom?

-Okay, you can take their room if you want.
-No, thank you. I'll sleep over here.

-See you in the morning.
-Okay.

-Thanks, Messer.
-Okay.

[DlSHES CLATTERING]

Anyone call?

Just their lawyer.

He's coming over now.
He wants to talk to us.

DUNN: l'm sure this is a very difficult
time for you, obviously.

Everyone at the firm,
we will miss Peter very much.

Now, you must have many questions.

Well, Sophie.
I think that's who we're both thinking of.

-Yes.
-What will happen to her now?

Okay, well,
I have already arranged for her transfer.

The foster family she was with
will bring her to CPS.

They feel she'll adjust best
in her own environment...

...so first she needs to be picked up
and brought here.

Okay, and who does that?

I'm sorry, did Alison and Peter talk to you
about their guardianship arrangements?

-No.
-No.

Well, in preparing their will, we talked
about who would take care of Sophie...

...in the unlikely event
that they should both die...

...and they named you.

Both of you.

-l'm sorry.
-l'm sorry.

-They picked us together?
-This isn't how you wanted to start a family.

There's been a misunderstanding.
We are not married.

They tried to set us up on a blind date,
and we never made it to the restaurant.

I don't even know if you'd call it a date.
He was such a dick.

I know this is overwhelming.

Believe me,
I tried to advise them against it.

But there are options. You can say no.

Because this is a big deal. This is a child.

Big commitment.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

[HOLLY CLEARS THROAT]

-Sorry.
-Options.

You mentioned
that there were some other options?

Yes. We have Peter's father.

-Oh. Perfect. He'd be perfect, I think.
-There you go.

-There's cousins.
-l'm sorry, can l stop you there?

MESSER: Cousins are always....
-Yeah.

What if one of us, on our own,
by ourselves...

...chose to honor Alison and Peter's wishes
on our own?

Or both of us, hypothetically.

They named you,
so l just set up a court hearing...

...to grant you temporary custody,
and that's it.

Now, the finances...

...the estate will cover the mortgage,
but that's about it.

They didn't have much in savings.
They bought this house as an investment.

But, you know,
let's not get ahead of ourselves, okay?

Let's just focus on Sophie.

-Yes.
-Right.

So l suggest the two of you move in here
in the interim, for Sophie.

-You want us to live together?
-For Sophie, for now.

Until you decide what you wanna do.
But it's best.

Okay. Sign here, Ms. Berenson.

And here, Mr. Messer.

-Thank you.
-Oh, there she is.

Hi.

Hi, sweet girl.

Oh, honey, it's so good to see you.

[SOPHlE CRYING]

I know, I know.

I know. Hey, look. Hey, look.

You want Uncle Messer? Here.
There's Uncle Messer.

Oh, God. Okay. We should get her home.

-They definitely didn't think this through.
-We need to establish a sleep schedule.

-lt's very important.
-What?

I guess.

-What did you say?
-l said they didn't think this through.

Did Pete say anything to you? Or Alison?

-They didn't tell me anything.
-Nope.

This is not the kind of thing
you forget to mention.

"Hey, you see that game
where Kobe put the juke on that dude...

...then hit the fadeaway jumper?

Oh, and by the way, if I die,
I'm gonna leave you with my kid."

-lt's messed up.
-Alison was a planner.

-We are part of a plan.
-You wanna walk me through this plan?

Are we supposed to live
in this house together?

Share the place, both sleep-deprived?
Sounds like a compelling psych experiment.

Assuming you and I can even afford
to pay for this place.

Dunn said the mortgage is covered.

Well, what about the upkeep?
Or the utilities or the taxes?

You have any idea
what the nut on this is?

Pete was a junior partner at a law firm.
I don't make this kind of cash.

And what do you do?
You bake scones for a living?

I run a successful business.
I do pretty well.

Yeah? Well, running a baby
is not like running a bakery.

-l didn't say it was.
-They're a mess. They pee on things.

They bite. They're basically dogs.

Except at least a dog knows
not to lick the electrical sockets.

[SOPHlE CRYING]

She's up. She's up.

-Okay, honey. Hey. Hi.
-Hey. Hey, look at the sleepyhead.

HOLLY: Hi, honey.
-Here we go.

Hey, come here.

-No, no, don't pick her up.
-Why?

Because she needs to learn
how to self-soothe.

-She needs to what?
-Self-soothe. Soothe herself.

I just read it, Messer. lt's important.
Let's just give it a minute.

Everything's okay. Happy, happy girl.

You know what? Let's just sing a song.
We'll sing a song.

[SINGlNG]
The wheels on the bus go round and round

Round and round
Round and round

The wheels on the bus go round and round

All through the town

The-- l don't know.

-And then Keanu Reeves saves the bus
-Nice.

Saves the bus
Saves the bus

And then Keanu Reeves saves the bus

-And then he dies
-That's all I got.

Does he die? I don't know.

Okay. Maybe she's hungry.
I think she's hungry. l'm gonna feed her.

-Come on, let's go eat. Come on.
-l thought we weren't picking her up.

-Okay, Sophie, l'm almost done, hold on.
-She's not a food critic. She's a 1-year-old.

-l'm not gonna feed her just anything.
-But we're gonna feed you today.

Hopefully before you're 2.

So tell me, what does Sophie do
to your dreams of ever meeting a guy...

...and having your own baby?
Thought about that?

A woman your age
already has a hard time competing...

...for the few guys who don't suck.

I'm sorry,
did you just say a woman my age?

In the dating world,
you wouldn't be considered single.

You know what you'd be? Complicated.
Beyond complicated.

You don't know anything about me.

Well, l know that you can't open
a childproof drawer.

Oh. There it is.

Why are you trying so hard
to convince me not to help her?

I'm not trying to.
I'm just trying to do what's best for her.

-You're trying to do what's best for you.
-l'm trying to do what's best for her.

We're not it.

They loved Sophie more than anything
in the entire world...

...and out of everyone, Messer,
they picked us.

They picked us.

I'm coming.

Check this out.
I think you're gonna love it.

Taste sensation. Ready?

Mmm.

No? Come on. Just try it, Soph.
Just try it. l think you're gonna love it.

Just try it.

Come on, Soph, give it a try.

Oh, please?
I've seen you eat things like this.

I think you're gonna love it. Come on.

Mmm. Mmm. Yum, yum, yum.

There you go. Good girl, Soph--

[SOPHlE COUGHS]

So you honestly think
we're the best thing for her?

[JOSH SlGHS]

-Well, it was a beautiful service.
-Yeah.

-l did not know that's how they met.
-Oh, that story about Paris?

-Are you kidding me?
JOSH: Yeah.

What is gonna happen with the baby?
Do we know?

-Oh, yeah, you didn't hear?
-No.

They named one of their friends, yeah.
The single girl who bakes.

And the super-hot one that always smells,
like, so good and sweaty.

-That guy.
-That's interesting. So he'll be around.

-"Good"?
-What do you mean, "good and sweaty"?

Mom, thank you for being here.
I couldn't have done it without you.

-You're welcome.
-Mind watching her for another minute?

-l gotta talk to Messer.
-Okay.

Mess.

-There's a lot of them.
-Well, we just need to find one.

-So I understand you're Peter's cousins?
-Hey, don't climb on that. Hey, hey.

-Who is that, Tyler?
-Mason.

Mason, take a seat right now. Let's go.

-Eight kids.
-Eight kids? You guys have eight kids?

-Nine, dear.
-Nine, right. Baseball team.

-l had to come for Alison.
-Yeah, thank you.

-And I was on tour through Atlanta, so....
-Oh, on tour.

Are you performing anywhere
that I would know?

I'm dancing at Juggles tonight...

...and then Bush League
Thursday through Monday.

Oh, how exciting.
That's really exciting. Yeah.

It's really good for Sophie
to get to see her grandfather.

She looks just like Peter.

I think she looks just like you.

HOLLY:
So you have a house in Miami now?

Yeah, because we, you know,
were hoping...

...given that Sophie
is your only grandchild, that....

Well, it seems to make the most sense
that you'd be--

HOLLY: Oh!
MESSER: Okay, okay, okay.

HOLLY:
Sophie, no, no, no. Over here.

Oh, l am so sorry. Okay.

You okay? Okay.

-Good as new.
-Still breathing.

Yay.

[SOPHlE COOING OVER MONITOR]

Well, we could go
with the nine-kids family.

I mean, they clearly know
how to keep a child alive.

Stripper seemed nice.

Yeah.

And the grandpa's a definite no?

We're screwed.

CLERK: Next case, the matter of
Sophie Novak, Index Number 05893-01 .

All right.

I've read your submissions,
along with the will.

Given that you folks were named
as guardians...

...l see no reason
to countermand the parents' wishes.

However, permit--

MESSER: Just leave it.
HOLLY: No, no.

-They're gonna get ground into the carpet.
-Guys, guys, okay.

Let's leave the Goldfish.
What do you say we stand up?

-Okay. Okay.
-Stand up. Leave them.

HOLLY:
Sorry.

-l'll pick these up.
-Just....

Until that time, l hereby grant
joint legal and physical custody...

...of Sophie Christina Novak
to Holly Berenson and Eric Messer.

[POUNDS GAVEL]

That's it?
You're not gonna ask us anything?

How do you know we're not dealers
or pimps?

HOLLY:
Ha!

-Are you drug dealers or pimps?
-No, ma'am. No.

Let's go.

Boom. "Done, next case.

Here, take a kid.
No, take two, we got extra."

Where is that stupid duck that she loves
that drives me crazy?

[DUCK TOY QUACKlNG]

I don't get it, man. I've been good.
Some chick says:

"Messer, you can forget the condom,"
I say no, and l still end up with a kid.

We need to figure out a schedule.
I need to work tomorrow.

-Do you smell that?
-What?

-Oh, maybe she finally pooped. Did she?
-Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think she--

What? lt's not that bad.

Oh, Soph.

HOLLY: lt's a weird smell, right?
MESSER: Okay.

-Go ahead.
-What? Why me? Because l'm the girl?

-Yeah.
-No. Uh-uh.

I am not changing diapers
for the next two years.

-Get in there.
-Okay, fine. Easy. lt's not that....

Something you can take off the checklist.
Check.

-What are you doing?
-l don't know.

It's not a bra that l'm taking off a chick,
it's a diaper.

-lt's not rocket science. Take the tabs off.
-ls there a box l can read?

See those little tabs? Undo them.

[HOLLY GASPS]
[MESSER GAGGlNG]

Oh, God. Don't do that.
You're gonna make me throw up.

-It's like Slumdog Millionaire in there.
-You're gonna make me throw up.

She didn't eat enough to produce that.

-She's getting it in her toes.
-Okay, give me the wipes.

-Give me another one.
-Hurry. Get it out of her toes.

What, it's like a poop suit.

[DOORBELL RlNGS]

-Oh, I got it.
-Messer. Don't leave me in here.

Oh, God.

[SOPHlE COOING]

Oh, it's burning my eyes.

I'm getting the feeling
this is a reconnaissance mission.

DEEDEE:
No one else is thinking that.

-Oh, hi.
BETH: Hi.

-Hi.
-Hello.

-Surprise.
-The athlete.

-Yeah, how's it going?
MESSER: My Two Dads.

-What's up, buddy?
-Here comes the block.

What's going on?

Just, you know, bringing you
some covered dishes and whatnot.

New parents, gotta stock the fridge.
One, two, three.

Just because. Ha, ha!

-Come on in.
-Oh, how unexpected.

Hope it's not a bad time.

Okay. Look at that, all clean.

Hey, the neighborhood watch is here.
They brought us some--

What? She's perfect, no thanks to you.

-Holly, you have a--
-Save it, Messer. You big coward.

Okay. Come on.

[PEOPLE CHATTERlNG]

JOSH: Hey.
BETH: What a surprise.

Hey, guys, we weren't expecting you.
What a surprise.

DEEDEE:
Oh.

What?

Sweetie, you have shit on your face.

-So....
-Yeah.

-Who's hungry?
-l am.

-This one.
-Should we dive in?

-You got a little more, on the right.
-Just shut up.

-Okay.
-l swear.

I'm just trying to help.

[LAUGHlNG]

-You doing okay? You look a little tired.
-That would be the not sleeping.

-Doesn't show.
-You don't look tired.

Don't worry, because you're not
gonna sleep for 1 0 years.

Surprise.

And you're never gonna
get used to children's music.

TED: Oh, God.
JOSH: No.

If l knew where the Wiggles lived,
and l'm working on it...

...l would murder them with an AK-47.

-l'm very serious.
-No new parents--

I don't think any of us knew
what we were doing.

-Not a clue.
BETH: Not a clue.

I mean, we had nine months to get ready
and we still screw up about half the time.

-He sure does.
-No, I said "we," actually.

DEEDEE: Do you know what?
I'm gonna get real serious.

You gotta get two things straight.
One, get a sitter.

-And a backup.
-Absolutely.

TED: Yeah.
DEEDEE: Next, important:

-You can never have enough paper towels.
GARY: And don't shop at Shop Now.

They're always out of milk
and don't carry unscented wipes.

When you order Motrin, get the dye-free.

Oh, no BPAs. Sippy cups, any plastics.
You don't want those chemicals.

Alison wanted Sophie to go
to Big Wagon Preschool...

...so you may wanna think
about making donations.

Like, yesterday.

Okay, maybe we should start
to write this down.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

One bite, one bite, one bite.

[SOPHlE LAUGHlNG]

HOLLY: The week.
-Can't do that.

HOLLY: You're writing my name.
-l already did--

There we go. Okay, Sophie girl.

-Your bath time, your bath time.
-Oh! Okay, get the baby.

-Your bath time, your bath time.
-All right.

All right, how about that?

No?

How about this one?

No?

[TOYS SQUEAKlNG]

[TOY SQUEAKS]

ANNOUNCER 1 [ON TV]:
Patterson with the turnaround.

Yeah!

[CRYING]

What? You wanna watch something else?

ANNOUNCER 2:
He shoots--

No, come on, missed the....

NARRATOR:
It's time to wiggle.

[SOPHlE GlGGLING]

There we go.

[GASPS]

[SOPHlE GlGGLES]

You okay? You okay? Good.
Okay. l'm sorry.

Please?

-She's making the poop face.
-What do you mean?

Poop face.
Oh, God, she's gonna poop in the tub.

Hurry up, hurry up.
She's gonna poop on me.

-l don't know how to do this.
-She's gonna poop on me.

You know what? Move, move. Let me do it.
Here. Just take her. I got it.

-Come on. I hate this thing.
-There's a latch. Pull the lever--

-Okay. Don't start. Sorry.
-No, no, no, not the hat.

Oh, my God, that's my hat.

That's my--
I've had that hat since high school.

-l'll wash it.
-Oh, yeah. Oh, it's funny.

Yeah, laugh it off. Laugh it off.
Okay, that's real funny.

Oh, God.

Um, I think we should just....

-Hey, what is that?
-What?

That lump. What's that?

-That's her bellybutton.
-No, it's not.

That wasn't there.
That was not there a few days ago.

-lt's just an outie, isn't it?
-No, it's not an outie.

I don't think.

HOLLY:
How does this...?

What are these numbers on here?
What does that mean?

Why is this...?

No one's gonna steal a stroller.

We can't afford to be snobby.
It's our biggest event.

Bring out all the crowd pleasers.

Anything wrapped in bacon,
and the mushroom vol-au-vent.

Sorry to keep you waiting.

-l gotta call you back.
-Holly.

Free-Range Turkey.

-Dr. Free-Range Turkey.
-Yes, Sam. l remember.

I heard about the accident.

I am so sorry about your friends.

Thank you.

Hey, you left me a half-message,
only it was the half without your number.

Yeah, something-- Someone came up.

[SOPHlE CRYING]

-How we doing?
-lt's all right, sweetheart.

Is she sleeping okay?
Regular bowel movements?

Not at first, but now very regular.

But she does have this protrusion
on her stomach.

I don't know, you know, what it is.
I'm not sure what l'm supposed to look for.

I don't really know anything about kids.

Alison was the first of my friends
to have a baby...

...and she was amazing with Sophie.

And she would be the first person
I would call about this, you know?

I mean, she was the first person l called
about everything and....

God. It is killing me.

It is killing me right now
that I can't call my friend.

She just....

And l'd really like to say,
"What the hell were you thinking?

You could've left me your pearls
or YSL clutch.

I mean, this is a little much.

It's really, really hard,
and l don't know what I'm doing."

I don't know what l'm doing.

I'm sorry.

No, I think you're doing pretty well,
considering.

Sophie's got an umbilical hernia.

It's nothing to worry about.
Most go away on their own. We'll watch it.

-Then l didn't do it?
-No, you did not do it.

Okay.

I thought you said it goes away
on its own.

That's for you.

"One bottle of Pinot Noir,
one to two glasses as needed."

Or white. Same dosage, though.

Look, what you're doing is pretty incredible.
Give yourself a break every now and again.

-Thank you.
-l'll have my nurse set you up in a week?

-Okay.
-All right.

Bye, Sophie. You're gonna be okay.

-Nice to see you.
-You too, really.

[DOOR OPENS]

MESSER:
So l'm at the drugstore...

...and it dawns on me
that women stare at men carrying a baby...

...like a guy will stare at a woman
with a great rack.

You know what l just realized today?

I am never gonna take a great bath
in this house.

This is a shower house.
You never brush your hair, do you?

It must save so much time.
That's so handy.

-How's that wine treating you?
-Mmm-hmm.

MESSER:
Mm-hm.

-Did you want some?
-No, no, no.

Because I can share. I'm a good sharer.

No, you don't need any,
because you never worry.

That's what Alison told me, you know,
when she set us up.

She said, "Honey, you just got your ass
dumped by your boyfriend of three years.

You need to go have a good time."
And then, ta-da, you show up.

Your charming self shows up...

...and you don't even wanna go
to the restaurant.

My first date in three years,
and it's a total asshole at the door.

[HOLLY LAUGHS]

And now I'm raising a kid
with that asshole.

-God, the irony.
-Come on, off to bed. Up, up, up.

You are, you know that, right? An asshole?
It feels good to say that to your face.

-Been saying it behind your back for years.
-A belligerent drunk. Great.

That'll be a fun next 1 8 years.

[DOORBELL RlNGS]

Everybody thinks l'm a fun drunk.
Someone's at the door. Who is it?

It's probably a neighbor.

-Yes?
-Hi, I'm Janine Groff.

Your caseworker from Social Services.

Yeah.

You were told
we'd be making a few unannounced visits.

HOLLY:
Ow.

Yeah, well,
this is definitely unannounced.

-Just give me one minute.
-May I come in? No?

-Who is that?
-Social Services.

You got five minutes to shower...

...and start acting like the responsible pain
you've been since we moved in.

-Okay.
-Go, go, go.

Upstair-- Upstairs.
Your room is up here, remember?

[HOLLY GIGGLlNG]

-l'm sorry.
-Go, go, go.

-l'm going. Stop pushing me. Don't push.
-Just-- l didn't....

You sure you don't wanna see
the garage again?

Nope, twice is my limit.

I have a whole area of tools
you didn't even get a chance to see.

I'm good.
I'm usually wrapping up by now and--

Hello. I'm so sorry.
I had to get the little one down.

Oh.

And you can see why. Take your eyes
off her for one minute and, zoom!

You know? Just "tee-tee-tee-tee-tee"
on her little legs.

Okay, well, let's get started, then.

Okay, so let's just talk.

You know, I just wanna get a sense
of the both of you, your plans.

Where do you see yourselves
in five years?

Ooh, ooh! Ooh!

-Ask me. l know. Great answer.
-You don't--

No, I'm good, l'm good.

I own a small gourmet-food store,
soon to be a small gourmet restaurant.

We're expanding.
New flooring, l'm thinking hexagonal tile.

New flooring.
That's part of everyone's five-year plans.

Flooring, right?

Anyway, I'm also hoping someday
to have my own frozen-food line.

Organic. But that's the 1 0-year plan.
You asked about the five-year.

Oh, God, l didn't include Sophie.

MESSER: You didn't.
-Let me just take it back.

-She is a big part of my plan.
-That's fine. Thank you.

-Okay.
-Eric.

-Yep, Eric's good. Eric will be fine.
-Okay, Eric.

Well, l'm the technical director
on all Hawks broadcasts.

-Okay.
MESSER: Yeah.

So, what does the technical director do?

Well, when the director says,
"Ready, go Camera 1 ," l'm the guy that--

-l push the button that goes Camera 1 .
-He pushes the button.

And l guess in a couple years...

...when the boss gets kicked upstairs
or gets pinched with a tranny hooker...

...l'll get my shot in the director's chair.

[MESSER CHUCKLING]

Okay. So Mr. Dunn tells me
that you're both single...

...and presently not engaged
in a relationship.

-Not sleeping together?
-God, no.

-Okay, good.
HOLLY: Oh, my God, no.

-No, no, no.
-Not a chance.

Okay, that's great,
because this situation...

...two single people
living under the same roof...

...raising a recently orphaned child,
well, it's complicated enough...

...without the added complication of,
you know, that.

Oh, trust me, Janine, we will not
be complicating anything with that.

Yeah, l get plenty of that elsewhere.

-l'd get plenty of that in my day as well.
-Way back in the day.

Listen.

You two both seem like two sweet,
doe-eyed people...

...about to have the worst year
of your lives.

I'll be honest with you.
Wanna make jokes about tranny hookers?

Go for it, l don't care.

You have no idea the types of families
that I deal with.

Tranny hookers? They're my good cases.

The only obstacle here is you two...

...and whether or not you're both cut out
to be parents.

What we want to avoid is Sophie
losing more people that she's close to.

You know, your friends thought
you could do this, but l'll be honest...

...l'm not so sure.

[SOPHlE CRYING]

HOLLY: How can l be hung-over
if l haven't even gone to sleep yet?

Look, all we have to do is put her down.
We just gotta put her--

She's not warm. She doesn't have a fever.
She's just overtired.

-What time is it?
-lt's okay, Soph. Come on, honey.

-l don't know. Start wearing a watch.
-There's gotta be somebody we can call.

MESSER: Hey, thank you for coming over.
AMY: lt's okay.

Sorry about your dad.
He's a pretty scary dude, huh?

-Come here, Sophie.
-The baby whisperer.

AMY: lt's okay.
-Yeah.

Thank you, Amy.

[FAN WHlRRlNG]

I don't know why,
but this fan always helps.

-Beats having to take her for a drive.
BOTH: Yeah.

Anyway, big math test tomorrow, so....

[WHlSPERS]
Give her some money.

Oh, Amy, Amy.

It's okay.
Doesn't feel right to take it anymore.

Okay.

-Give her the money.
-No, I insist.

-Thank you so much.
MESSER: Thank you.

-Good luck on your math test.
-Okay, bye-bye.

-Oh, thank God. Whew.
-l know.

[SOPHlE CRYING]

-Oh, no.
-No, no, no.

HOLLY: Too close. You're holding her too--
Look, you're gonna chop her head off.

-That's what the babysitter was doing.
-She wasn't.

No, she was soothing her down here.

We're gonna go for a drive.
We're gonna drive around the block.

-Just go. Just go.
-Nice and quick. Nice and quick.

HOLLY: All right, we're just gonna go
for a ride around the block.

MESSER:
We'll get back in time for the game, huh?

Yeah.

[GASPS]

Hi.

Mm-hm. Absolutely.
Yeah, l'm on my way now. Okay.

Yeah, really, thank you so much.
All right, bye-bye.

Yes!

Yes. Burke's out, and I finally got the call
to direct today's game.

-Today is my Riverside event. l told you.
-You never told me that.

You just don't listen to women
who won't sleep with you.

See it there on the board?
I'll be home at 7:30.

Come on, l can't.
There are no kids in the booth.

-Come on, work with me here.
-lt's on the board.

You have any idea
how big a game this is?

The Hawks are a game out
of the eighth seed in the East.

-Don't walk out that door.
-You're speaking Mandarin.

I've been planning this for months.

There are plenty of mommy and daddies
who are in love with you.

-Call them.
-Hey, Beth. lt's Messer, from a-- Yeah.

Hey, I was wondering if maybe you guys
could watch Sophie for a bit today.

I got a huge break.
I get to direct the Hawks game today.

Nope, Amy can't.
She's got a big math test.

Yeah, l tried Josh and Beth too.
They're all busy. Bye-bye.

Son of a....

MAN: lt's a healthier meal
if you don't fry the shell.

You know what l'm saying?
I like my taco shells baked.

MESSER: Yeah, I like them soft.
-Yeah.

All right, thank you for the ride, Walter.

Well, you called, l came.
That's how a man makes his money, baby.

What's up with my floor seats?

I'm gonna give you two floor seats.

All you gotta do
is keep that meter running for me.

-Okay.
-My man.

-We making another stop, baby?
-Yep.

-Okay. All right.
-Just not yet.

Not yet, not yet. The baby's in here.
You left the bab-- You left the baby!

You left the baby! You left the bab--
You left the baby.

You left your baby.

Look, Walter, please, I got no choice.
I need your help, as a friend.

No, no, no.
You can't leave me with your baby.

Are you on crack?
I could be the baby cab killer.

I know all about you, man.

I know you keep a clean cab,
you drive the speed limit...

...and you got three kids
you love to death.

You know why? Because they're my kids.

I hate other people's kids.
That's your baby in there.

Whatever the meter is, triple it.

You'll be the best-paid babysitter
in the state.

Please.

-What if she wakes up?
-She's not gonna wake up, I pro-- Oh!

Look. lt's her ducky.

-ln case of an emergency.
-Better not be no emergencies.

-There won't be.
-Better not!

ANNOUNCER:
The final seconds of this first half....

Ready Camera 3. And go 3.

--feeding it off, and the basket....

-Simon, give me the scoring leaders, please.
-No one's ever said "please" to me before.

[CELL PHONE RlNGS]

-Who's calling?
-lt's the new sitter.

-Yeah?
-The baby woke up! The baby woke up.

Hey, there's this great game going on.
You should check it out.

Cameras 4 and 6,
4 ready by the ball, 2 by the basket.

Okay, sniff her butt.
See if she needs to be changed.

I'm not sniffing this baby's booty.
Man, what are you feeding this girl?

It's like a dirty bomb.
It's like eggs and peanut butter.

-l'll be down at halftime.
-Halftime? Are you crazy?

Halftime!

Okay, okay, okay, here we go, man.
Okay, okay. Oh, my God!

Okay. Okay. All right.
All right, we're halfway there, Walter.

-All right, here we go.
-No, no, no.

No, please, listen. Walter, please.

-Know what? Here. Take the whole wallet.
-l don't want your wallet.

You know what l want?
I want a nice, comfy seat inside...

...next to some big-screen TVs--

No kids in the booth. I'm sorry.
You gotta sit out here.

-Baby wanna see game?
-Baby doesn't wanna.

[IN BABY VOICE]
Wanna see game?

Baby wanna see game.

[TOY SQUEAKS]

MESSER:
Hey, everybody.

This is Sophie and her nanny, Walter.

Say hi.

All right, here you go.

Big cushy chair, new monitors.
Drinks are in the fridge.

No beer till after the game, okay?

Nice. l never seen a game like this before.
Now we're talking.

-So you're good?
-l'm good.

All right.

All right, people, second half.
Let's do this.

-Did you get him through a service?
-Uh, yep.

-Yeah?
-Yep.

-He's your cab driver, isn't he?
-Yep.

Yeah.

ANNOUNCER:
Twenty seconds to go, Hawks down by 1 .

[CRYING]

-No doubt they'll play for the last shot.
-All right, Camera 4, stay with Johnson.

Liz, tell Camera 4 to stay with Johnson.
Come on.

-l can barely hear you, Messer.
-A foul? Come on, man!

MESSER:
Okay, ready Camera 6.

-Walter, she's crying.
-l know, l'm trying to watch the game.

-You are the worst babysitter of all time.
-Because I'm not a babysitter.

Do something.
Please, I'm dying over here.

All right, Camera 2, stay with Bibby--
Johnson.

All right, stay with the shooter
on Camera 2--

No, I mean, Camera 1 .

Stay on 1 , 1 , 1 .

Camera 2, stay with the-- Camera 1 --

ANNOUNCER:
Alley-oop, and the Hawks win.

Unbelievable play by Atlanta.
Hawks win by 1 .

Hands down, the best game of the year.
Too bad you all couldn't see it.

[SINGlNG]
But I'm a creep

I'm a weirdo

-What the hell--?
-What are you singing to her?

Everybody likes Radiohead.

Do you mind?

What the hell am I doing here?

I don't belong here

Mmm, mmm

[WHlSPERlNG]
See?

Told you it works.

[WHlSPERlNG]
Would it kill you to--?

-Shh.
-You shh!

Would it kill you
to brighten the mood around here?

-Yeah, it might.
-Come on.

Why should I pretend to be happy?
I'm miserable. Let me be miserable.

-lt's depressing.
-l don't care.

Know what? I am so sick
of all your dark little comments.

I ruined my life for her.

I'm so sorry parenting isn't as fun
as you thought it was gonna be.

Yeah, you're happy
because your old life sucked.

-My old life didn't suck.
-lt did.

My life was great.
I was my own boss, l made my own hours.

-l had free time.
-To do what? Bake more?

-God.
-You have no idea what a great life is.

I had a great life.
I went to games for a living.

Okay? Girls would buy me drinks
and throw themselves at me.

You see this shirt?
I slept with the girl who sold me this shirt.

You're disgusting.

People say you can't have it all.
I had it all. lt was awesome.

Of course you think that's awesome,
because all you care about is getting laid.

Even Peter was embarrassed by you.

He just never said anything to your face
because he was twice the man you are.

You should get laid yourself.

Except to have sex...

...you gotta find somebody
who can stand you first.

[WHlSPERS]
Fuck you.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] You shouldn't ride
a motorcycle. Your kid's parents died--

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
She is not my kid.

She's not my kid.

Then whose kid is she?

[SIGHS]

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

PETER [ON TV]:
We'll do this again. One, two--

I'm sorry, Messer.

-l didn't mean it.
-lt's all right.

You know, I broke my back when I was 1 7.
I was almost paralyzed.

And Pete spent that whole summer
with me in my room...

...watching movies every day.

All my friends went out to the beach
or went off to chase girls...

...but he just sat there with me
the whole time.

I can't leave him alone
when he needs me.

Even if he's gone.

I dug up some of their old home movies
because, you know, l was just....

I just wanted to hear their voices,
see them a minute, you know?

And l found this one,
and you've gotta see this.

PETER:
Ta-da. Ha-ha-ha.

Pretty great, huh? I went with the lavender
and then the blue sky, like we talked about.

-When did you paint this room?
-I did it when you were at the hospital.

ALlSON:
You were supposed to do it three days ago.

It smells like paint fumes in here.

PETER: It's been drying for 1 2 hours.
-It has not been drying long enough.

-You're getting so critical.
-She can't sleep in the bedroom tonight.

It's not even wet.
I wouldn't bring a baby into a wet room.

ALISON: Of course it's not wet, but you
think it doesn't smell for days afterwards?

It doesn't. It's totally aired out.
You know how much work I put into this?

You didn't do any of this.
When have you painted a cloud in your life?

-l oversaw the work that was being done.
-You oversaw it?

The one thing you said you would do,
you oversaw?

I got creative. The guy came in,
and I said, "Let's do the clouds."

-This is ridiculous. She can't sleep here.
-Of course she can.

-Move the crib.
-This is her room. Where else--?

So you're saying it's okay
that we're horrible parents...

...and wanna kill each other half the time.

-Two-thirds, actually.
-Yep.

I think we have to just stop trying
to fit ourselves into their lives.

You know, I hate this place.
It's like a mausoleum in here.

You know,
there's pictures of them everywhere.

And l really hate that cowboy painting.

-He's really creepy, right?
-Yeah. I want it out.

If we're gonna live here,
we have to stop tiptoeing around...

...like they're coming back soon.
They're not coming back.

HOLLY:
This side has to-- No.

MESSER: That good right there?
-No.

-Looks good right there.
-Okay, like that.

Morning, Messer.

Morning...

...Jill.

-Oh, and thank you for dinner.
-Yeah.

-And next time it's my treat.
-Oh, God.

Right foot, left foot. Right foot, left foot.

-Let's see some walking.
-Would you stop that?

She'll walk when she's got
somewhere to go, all right?

All the books say she should be walking
or talking by now...

...and she's not doing either.

All the books also say
that you should be married with 2.2 kids...

...and look at your life.

That poor girl thinks
that she's going to dinner with you.

What's the alternative?
"Bye, l'll never see you again"?

-That would be mean.
-Where do you meet these women?

I mean, if you're not with me and Sophie,
you're at work.

-l have my methods.
-Huh. lnteresting.

[DEEDEE SlGHS]

DEEDEE:
Switch it up. There we go. Oh, there it is.

Okay. Oh, like a rubber band.

-Limbering up?
-How you doing, good-looking?

Oh, right back at you.

TED: Hey, big man.
-Hey, Ted.

-Hey, you see that game last night?
-Which game?

[CHUCKLES]

-Boo!
-Oh, my God.

I didn't mean to scare you.

-l didn't know you were a runner.
-Yep.

We should train together. Yeah.

-Well, l like to use this time to think.
-Oh, yeah, me too. I like to think.

Is this the pace we're gonna keep up?
It's a little brisk.

HOLLY: l still don't understand
all these extra costs.

The job's been more complicated
than we anticipated.

Oh, more complicated
than anticipated, yeah.

My life has been more complicated
than anticipated.

I didn't anticipate somebody
handing me a baby--

-Ms. Berenson?
-Yes?

Ah. Sorry. Hello, lady. What you doing?
Can you just give me one minute?

Hey, Lonnie? Keep a better eye on her.
She's crawling around back there.

-lt's a construction site.
-A baby that crawls?

-Just take her.
-l can't. Doing something.

-Please.
-Can't. Big basket.

-Can you help me out?
-You look beautiful with the baby, though.

Doesn't she look good with--?
That's a beautiful baby. Like an accessory.

Smooth.

Go, Wonder Pets. Yay!

Wow, that was a really good episode.

What l like about Ming-Ming
is that even though they lost the game...

...she really learned something valuable
about teamwork, you know?

I didn't see that one coming.
How about--?

Holly. Stay right-- You stay right--

Holly, Holly, Holly! She's standing!
She's about to walk! Get down here!

-What? Now?
-Hurry up!

-She can't walk now! She can't walk now!
-She's about to. Get down here.

Okay, wait. Stay right there.

-Wait, l'm coming.
-Hurry up!

-She's walking! Hurry up!
-Stall her. I'm coming.

-l'm coming! Just stall her. Stall her!
-l can't-- How do you want me to stall her?

-How do l stall her?
-Just stall her!

Don't you take that step.
Please, don't take--

-What do you want me to--?
-Ow! Oh, God, oh, God, I'm coming.

-Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, l'm sorry. l'm so sorry.
-Okay. What did you do?

You told me to stall her, so l just--
I gave her a little shove.

I asked you to stall her, Messer,
not traumatize her.

-Now she'll never walk.
-Okay, this is not my fault.

-What did the bad man do, huh?
-Pretty sure it was your fault.

[SOPHlE GlGGLING]

Hold on. Okay, go ahead.

-Are those homemade noodles?
-Yes.

She's the only person
who doesn't like my cooking.

Now it's personal.

Come on.

One bite.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, I did it!
She ate it!

She ate my cooking, she ate my cooking,
she ate my cooking!

I'm that good.

-Oh, my God.
-What?

This is why you are always so happy
to run to the store.

This is where you pick up women.
You use Sophie to get laid.

She's gotta pay back somehow.
Isn't that right?

-No free lunch, right, Soph?
-l wanna see it.

-See what?
-l wanna see you work your Messer magic.

You want me to pick you up? Here?

Yes. l want you to loop around
and pretend l'm one of those gym girls.

I'm not gonna pretend to pick you up.

-l wanna get home.
-Uch. You're such a killjoy.

Hey.

You know what? l read about these.
They're really good for kids, but l can't--

-How do you pronounce it? "A�a�"?
-"A�a�."

-"A�a�"?
-Mm-hm.

Oh.

You must really have an ear
for languages, huh?

No, not really.

I took Spanish all through high school.
I did pretty well. Got good grades.

Oh, you're good. You're very good.

-You see that?
-l see how this works for you.

Holly?

Oh! lt's Sam. lt's Sophie's doctor, Sam.

-Sam? You call him Sam?
-Hey, Sophie.

-Dr. Nelson.
-Hi. Sam.

-Hey, l'm Messer. Nice to meet you.
-Messer, nice to meet you too.

-ls this your...?
-No, no, no.

-No.
-We're not.... We just....

Sounds complicated.

-We raise Sophie together.
-Yes.

You know, Holly's mentioned how much
she really likes Sophie's doctor...

...a few times, actually.

So l thought she meant
you were good with kids, but now--

Can you just walk away?
Can you just give me a minute?

-l'm all right here.
-Give me a minute. Thank you.

Sometimes Sophie is more of a grown-up.

So how's this work between you two?

-You split up most of the work?
-Yes. We have charts. A very big chart.

-Chart?
-Yeah.

That chart give you any time off?

Yes, Monday, Wednesday
and every other Friday.

-Oh, yeah?
-Yeah.

-Will you have Sophie this Friday?
-No.

SAM: Eight o'clock Friday?
-Great.

-My office has your information?
-They sure do.

-l'll call you up.
-Perfect. Okay.

[HOLLY CHUCKLES]

You are so right,
this is such a great place to meet people.

MESSER: What time does Dr. Love get here?
-Any minute. Stop calling him that.

I can't believe he asked you out.
Doesn't that defy some doctor-patient thing?

He's a pediatrician, so if he's dating
a patient, there'd be a problem.

If you have sex, is he gonna tell you
what percentile you're at?

[DOORBELL RlNGS]

-Hi.
-Hey. Wow, you look....

Oh, l'd better not say anything.
Best to keep a couple cards off the table.

-Hey, Messer.
-Hey. How you doing, doc?

-Thanks for giving her the night off.
-All right.

You know,
she tried on everything in her closet.

-Pretty much impossible to blow this one.
-Okay, Messer. We'll just go.

-She hasn't had any for a while--
-Oh, my God, stop it.

Call me if you need me.

HOLLY:
You know, if you wanted to kill me...

...there were dumpsters on my side of town
that were a lot closer.

You don't like to be surprised, do you?

Well, l'm a little bit
of a control freak, so....

SAM: There we are.
-Okay. Backstage at a concert.

-l'm just not that cool.
-No?

We're not going to Aerosmith
or Justin Bieber?

This is....

SAM:
Le Mare.

The owner and executive chef
has three girls, so....

-You treat Phillipe Le Mare's kids?
-l do.

-Oh, my God.
MAN: Dr. Nelson.

-Phillipe.
-Sam, hey. Phillipe Le Mare.

-Such a pleasure.
-No, no, pleasure's mine.

-Special setup right here. Come on.
SAM: So how are the beautiful girls?

PHlLLlPE: They're very healthy.
They have a good doctor.

You know,
I don't do a lot of dinner dates, really.

What about you?

No? You know what?

Why don't we just relax and get
to know each other? What do you say?

So you live around here?

Upstairs?

I just live right around the corner
in the TV room.

You know, I knew l'd seen you
somewhere around here.

Excellent choice in the crushed watermelon,
by the way.

I'm sorry if l'm a little nervous.

It's just that l don't usually
meet babies like you.

To be honest, l....

Well, l like older women.

Well, not that much older.

You are getting warmer, kiddo.

-l can't believe you've never come here.
-l never used to eat out much.

My ex-wife, she would cook,
so we stayed home a lot.

-You were married?
-You like how l snuck that in there?

Mm. Clever.

[CELL PHONE RlNGlNG]

-l'm so sorry. l thought l turned it off.
-That's okay.

Messer, l get one night off.

Look, l'm not calling for you,
I'm calling for Dr. Love.

Okay. All right, hold on.

I'm sorry, he wants to talk to you.
It must be a Sophie question.

Hey.

It could be a couple things.

Take her down to the ER at St. Augustus.
It's Friday, so Dr. Mooney's on call.

I'll tell him you're on your way.
You won't have to wait.

We'll see you there in about an hour. Okay.
Sophie's temperature spiked.

They're gonna need an hour,
so l was hoping--

We gotta go.

Or we could go.

Great. Thank you.

[SOPHlE CRYING]

So Sophie's got a urinary-tract infection.
We're gonna put her on an antibiotic drip.

That gets the medication
into her system a bit faster.

I'll stop back by first thing in the morning
and check up on her.

-Thanks.
-Thank you so much.

Yeah, l was kind of looking forward
to dropping you home.

I had rehearsed this whole thing
in my mind.

That was even better than l rehearsed it.

-l'll call you later.
-Okay.

Thank you again.

Hey, her temp's coming down.

Clothes, daycare, monthly food bill...

...and now a $1 200 bill
from the emergency room.

If something happens to the car,
one of us is gonna sell a kidney.

Having a kid is expensive.
We talked about that.

Having kids and an expanding shop,
it's a bit much.

Where'd you get the flowers?

Oh. Sam sent them today.
I haven't even called him back yet.

I mean, how can I? I'm a disaster.
I can't be this girl on the second date.

This is what you save for marriage.
Like 1 0 years in.

Don't stress about the money.
We'll be fine.

I'll just call Lonnie
and we'll patch up the wall...

...and maybe in a few years,
we can revisit it or something.

Wait, so you're gonna pull the plug
on the remodel?

I can't increase the construction loan.
It's okay, you know?

I'll just have a shop and not a restaurant.
It's fine.

It'll be okay.

You know, I can give you the money.

-l have savings.
-No. No, I can't let you do that.

-l would never take your savings.
-l want to.

We're raising a kid together.
We have this house together.

This is just part of it.

Look, having somebody help you
doesn't mean that you failed.

It just means that you're not in it alone.

Um....

Okay, but it can't be a gift.
I won't take it unless it's an investment.

Fine. l'm an investor in Fraiche.

You're....

You're an investor in "Fraiche."

-"Fraiche." Sorry.
-"Fraiche."

That entitles you to 2 percent of profits.

-Three percent.
-Two.

And, hey, a discount on food and wine.

-Discount?
-Ten percent.

-Fifteen percent.
-Ten percent.

It's a great discount.

-Then you throw in dinner.
-Oh, deal.

-All right.
-Awesome. Okay.

Oh, my God. Thank you so much.
That's huge.

Okay, dinner, tonight, on me.
You and me.

AMY:
Hello.

-You look so pretty.
-Oh, thank you.

Oh, my God.

-Hey.
-Hey.

So here are all the numbers.

My cell phone, his cell phone,
the restaurant and the pediatrician.

Yep.

You know you actually have to
leave the house for me to do my job?

-Yeah.
-Yes.

-Okay. All right.
-Okay. All right.

-Okay, have fun.
MESSER: Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

This place is amazing, Holly.
I can't believe l haven't been here before.

Look at you. You're a kitchen ninja.

-You don't follow any kind of a recipe?
-No.

This is the only place in life
where l do not follow a plan.

HOLLY:
You got under five minutes. No.

MESSER:
I was technically awake.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

-Are you sure you wanna do this?
-A bet's a bet. l can do this.

-You don't have to.
-You know what l'm not sure about?

The helmet. lt's lame.
I want something with thunderbolts on it.

We're gonna pull out the choke.

-The what?
-The choke.

-Okay.
-All right?

Turn on the ignition, pull in the clutch.
Here. Hold that in. Hold that in.

-Okay.
-Push the starter button.

All right, there we go.

All right, left hand is the clutch,
right hand is the throttle.

-Okay.
-All right, let's get your kickstand up.

Oh, l'm on a freaking motorcycle!

Easy there, Rain Man. We're not done?
Now we're in first gear.

-Okay.
-Hold that.

-Don't let go of that clutch till I get on--
-Let go?

[HOLLY YELPS]
[MESSER GASPS]

-Oh, my God.
-No.

Oh, my God. Oh, Messer.
Oh, Messer, I'm so sorry.

-No, it's okay. Are you all right?
-Yeah, yeah.

Oh!

Oh, no.

Oh, no. Are you mad?

No, I'm just-- I'm gonna sit down.

HOLLY:
I thought you said, "Let go."

Do you want me to go talk
to the bus driver maybe?

-God, l am so sorry, Messer.
-Don't worry about it.

-l'm gonna pay for it, I promise.
-l'm actually in awe.

You didn't even drive it a foot
before you destroyed it.

-l feel so bad. l'm really sorry.
-lt's fine. Okay?

It's just a bike.

Do you mean that,
or are you just saying that...

...because you think if l keep talking,
you're gonna cry?

Get inside.

[HOLLY GIGGLES]

-Hi.
HOLLY: Hi.

I didn't wanna move her.

HOLLY [WHISPERING]:
That's okay.

[WHlSPERlNG]
Amy, wait a second.

Here you go. Now, come on, no backsies.

-Thanks, Amy.
-Thank you. Bye-bye. Have a good night.

I think you guys
make a really cute couple.

[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]

She said the same thing about Taylor Swift
and that Twilight kid.

[HOLLY GIGGLES]

Oh, my God, we're in their room.

It's not so scary.

-This room is beautiful.
-Yeah.

-How come we haven't used it at all?
-l have no idea.

What thread count are these sheets? Ooh!

HOLLY:
You think they planned this?

MESSER:
What?

Us? No. No.

They tried that once before.
We know how that worked out.

HOLLY:
Well, l kind of get it now.

What, why they set us up?

Yeah, l never understood it before,
but now that I know you better...

...l can see what Alison was thinking.

You have a lot in common with her.

-With Alison?
-Yeah.

You'd think it would be Peter,
but it's her you remind me more of.

She was just so fun and easygoing,
you know?

-l have a surprise.
-What?

-Something I found earlier.
-What?

-A little contraband.
-Oh, my God, no.

-What do you mean, no?
-We can't.

-Sophie is asleep in the next room.
-She's asleep.

Come on,
it'll help us stave off glaucoma.

[HOLLY LAUGHlNG]

-No.
-Come on.

No. Absolutely not.

We cannot smoke that.

Don't.

[MESSER LAUGHING]

-Why are you leaving them?
-l'm just taking a few.

We're not gonna eat all these.

All right. Come on, let's go.
What are we watching?

[SINGlNG]
Jump in the car

And buckle up

You know there was five Wiggles
originally?

I was the fifth Wiggle.

Jump in the car

Put on my seat belt

And we can ride the whole day long

-Oh! That's neat. How do you do that?
-Like a wiggle.

-Am I doing it? Am l doing it?
-That's good.

[GASPS]

This is inappropriate for children.

MEN [SINGlNG]:
The shining moon sees no sunlight

The sun sees no moonbeams

-So the moon and the sun are friends?
-They're best friends.

They're in each other's dreams

[JANlNE HUMMlNG]

[DOORBELL RlNGS]

What? Who?

[MESSER GROANlNG]

-Hello?
-That's the baby monitor.

Oh, where's the phone?

-l think it's the door.
-l'll get the door.

Oh, good morning, Mr. Messer.
I hope this isn't too inconvenient a time.

No, no, no, this is perfect.
Just give us one minute.

Actually, it's rather warm outside.
I'd love to--

Yay, yay, yay!

-Hey, Janine is here.
-What? Now?

-God, that lady has the worst timing.
-Come on.

You take Sophie.
I'll clean upstairs, you clean downstairs.

-And get the illicit drugs.
-Okay.

Okay, okay, okay. We didn't smoke it.

-l got a little carried away.
-You ready? Okay.

-Where's Sophie?
-Where's Sophie?

So--?

There we go. All right, there we go.

JANINE:
Well, you seem more settled in your roles.

Yeah, yeah. We have learned a lot.

And so has Miss Sophie.
She's walking now.

So how are you two getting along?
Is there any tension?

-Us?
-Why would there be tension?

-Everything's fantastic.
-Everything's all good, good, good.

Have you thought
about how you're gonna make this work...

...or what your plans might be together?

We hadn't really gotten that far.
It's still pretty new.

And some things just happened
with no plan at all.

Really?
Because I kind of had a plan in mind.

Really? lt just never occurred to me
that you had any interest in my plans.

How could you not know
I wanted to plan with you?

Maybe I'm not as experienced a planner
as you.

-l think you're a good planner.
-Oh, come on, people, you had sex.

Huh?

We have no intention of letting our personal
lives affect our parenting, l promise.

-You gonna get married?
MESSER: Ha, ha.

-This happened, what, six hours ago?
-That's a little specific. l don't know if she--

What if it doesn't work out?
Are you gonna sleep in the garage?

Sex in this situation, it's like termites.
It makes for a very unstable household.

You were supposed to be my easy case.
I got a nice coffee on the way here.

I thought, "Gonna deal with my easy case,
gonna make it like a little vacation. Yay!"

-Look, Janine, it--
JANINE: Now, oh, my God.

We have one more meeting scheduled.
Before then, work out your personal issues.

Whether you decide to get engaged
or pretend it never happened...

...l don't care.

Just work your shit out, okay?

-Okay, okay.
-Okay, okay.

-Do you mind if l snag a brownie?
-Oh, God, no. No, no, no.

[JANlNE GASPS]
[GLASS SHATTERS]

Oh, really, l'm so sorry.

It's a bad batch,
and l'm a professional baker.

No, it's okay. Your house, your food.
Anyway, so l'm sorry. l'm out of here.

-Thank you.
HOLLY: l'm sorry.

-Are you--?
-lt's okay. Thank you.

You're my last single friend.

Without you,
I have no link to the outside.

Look, l don't know why we did it.
We just.... We just did.

Do you know what marriage is like?
Imagine a prison.

-And then don't change anything.
-We're not married.

You guys are raising a kid together.
That's the most married you can get.

Messer.

-Minute?
-Oh, yeah.

So l gave you a nice big fat break.

That didn't go so well.

Should I learn my lesson with you,
or should l give you another shot?

Given a choice,
I'd go with that one, the shot.

You get it better
than just about anybody here.

Sports isn't just about stats
and memorizing plays.

It's about insight, it's about feeling.

You got the talent,
but you are all over the place.

I can be in one place, Alan.

-Can you?
-Yeah.

Can you be in Phoenix?

A spot opened up directing for the Suns.

They called,
asked who l thought was right for the job.

I'd like to tell them you.

Let me know.

[BAND PLAYlNG "MlSSlNG YOU"]

JOSH [SlNGING]:
Every time l think of you

I always catch my breath

And l'm still standing here
And you're miles away

DEEDEE:
Somebody's getting along pretty good.

Mmm. Two cats in heat.

DEEDEE:
Ooh. Look at her. Frisky kitty.

That's too casual.
I'll tell you this, they totally did it.

TED:
I don't think so. l honestly don't think so.

She bet me $400 that they were gonna
sleep together by Labor Day.

-That's why you're saying that.
-l feel like l'm watching CSI: Relationship.

If me at any age of my life could see me,
he would kick my cat ass, you know that?

Uh-oh. Messer owes you a quarter, he does.
He said a bad word.

Messer. l heard you lived around here.

Ben, hey.

Sweet move, landing Phoenix.
We're gonna miss you around the arena.

-We're still talking about that.
-Alan said it seemed like a done deal.

We're gonna be over at the band in a bit.
Meet you there.

BEN:
Nice whiskers.

[HOLLY CHUCKLES]

What was that about?

Nothing. Come on, let's go, let's go.

-Come on. Okay.
-Thank you.

Come on, Messer, out with it.

It's just something Alan and I talked about
the other day.

He put me up for a directing job. It's....

-ln Phoenix.
-For the Suns.

-Running their whole crew for the season.
-You said no, though, right?

Well, l didn't wanna be rude
and just turn it down right on the spot.

-So why didn't you tell me about it?
-Because I didn't--

I don't know, l didn't want it to be a thing.
It's not like l can take it.

-But you want to.
-Well, of course I want to.

-lt's a huge opportunity.
-So you're thinking about it.

-No.
-No?

No, I'm not thinking about it.

I don't understand
why you didn't just mention it to me.

Because I didn't want you to get upset,
which you obviously are.

Why would l be upset
if it's not even a possibility?

Know what, Mess? Can you just stop
with the food for one minute?

Can you just tell me honestly,
are you thinking about taking this job?

Yeah. l'm thinking about it.

This is something
that I've been working for, okay?

I would've jumped
at this opportunity before.

Before Sophie and before me?

I get it. Come on. Come here, bugaboo.

-Holly. Holl--
-Hey, bugaboos. Hello, bugaboos.

How was this gonna work exactly?

Were we gonna go with you,
or were you gonna leave?

I don't know.
I never had to think for three people.

I barely had to think for one.
It's just a job offer, okay?

No, it's not, it's exactly what
you've been waiting for, a clean out.

-That's not true.
-You have never wanted to be here.

And after everything,
you still think of us as temporary.

You think that I'm not in this?

I gave up my place,
I gave up my motorcycle, I gave you money.

-l never asked you for money.
-l did it to make you happy.

I gave up everything
to play this frigging part.

"Play this part"?

That's what this is to you.

Well, we're living in their house,
we're raising their kid.

We're acting like we're married,
but we're not.

-Have you been pretending with Sophie?
-No, I love Sophie.

So just me, then.

You should take the job, Messer.

[SOPHlE CRYING]

I know. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

[SOPHlE CRYING]

I'm coming, Soph.
I'm coming, honey, hold on.

Okay.

Oh.

I knew you'd be up to your eyeballs
in egg whites, so I just grabbed her.

-Thanks.
-There you go.

Good morning, Miss Soph. I missed you.

You slept so good last night.
Can you say "apple"?

Apple.

[IN SLOW VOlCE]
Banana.

I always sound like Antonio Banderas
when l do that.

[IN SLOW VOlCE]
Banana.

SAM:
All right.

I'd love to sit and eat,
but I got the Finister twins coming in...

...and if l'm even a minute late, they will
redecorate my waiting room, again.

-l'll see you later?
-Mm-hm.

Wait, take a muffin.

Thanks. Bye, Sophie.

-Bye.
-Bye.

[INAUDIBLE DlALOGUE]

ANNOUNCER:
And the Phoenix Suns' Steve Nash to a....

Greg, ready that cutaway. Roll it.

Take it.

[SOPHlE CRYING]

[SINGlNG]
Weirdo

What the hell am I doing here?

HOLLY:
Thank you.

-Thanks.
LONNIE: Oh, look.

Wow.

Oh, look at you.
My goodness, you're getting so big.

-She's huge, right?
-That iChat doesn't do her justice.

-"Messer." Can you say "Messer"?
-Oh, good luck with that.

-Still no "Holly," huh?
-Nope.

You know what it's like to be outranked
by "cup," "pool," and "giraffe"?

Okay, so we are all set for Monday.

Janine actually broke tradition
and scheduled something.

So you really did kill the expansion, huh?
That's too bad.

Yeah, we were like this before
and we were fine, so....

All right, you ready?

See you.

-Have fun.
-Okay.

-Hey, Mess?
-Yeah?

I don't know
if you have any plans or not...

...but, well, Sam and I
are hosting a Thanksgiving dinner...

...and the neighbors are gonna be there.

They keep asking about you,
so l don't know, maybe you wanna join us.

-Yeah.
-Yeah?

-Yeah, what the hell.
-Okay.

-All right. You're cooking?
-Yes.

-All right. I'll see you there.
-Great.

Say goodbye. There we go.

[CHUCKLES]

-Mmm.
-You think?

You don't think it needs more nutmeg?

You are no help.

[DOORBELL RlNGS]

I'll get it.

GARY:
Whoa, settle down.

-Hey.
-Hi.

-Happy Thanksgiving.
-Yeah, you too.

-l got you a little wine.
-Thanks.

-Nine bucks.
-Wow.

-Where's Soph?
-She's back there.

-Okay.
-Come on in.

-Oh, hey.
-Hi. Hello.

-Hi.
TED: Hey, sport.

-That was a wave to me.
-Okay.

So, what else you maniacs been up to?

Gary and I are taking
a couples' karate class.

-Wow.
SCOTT: Fun.

I'm not gonna be around to defend him
all the time.

-Toughen him up.
-Yeah.

What a great opportunity to get to kick
your spouse in the face once in a while...

...in a controlled setting
where it's okay and it's expected.

Messer.

-Hey. How you doing, doc?
-Good, good.

-Glad you could make it.
-Appreciate that.

Although, technically, this is my house,
so l'm glad you could make it.

You know, I know this is a little weird.

-No, it's not weird.
-lt's a little weird.

The house, we're all a part of it,
especially you.

Yeah, we're all fans of the house.

Hey, dinner today is a great way
for us to say goodbye, right?

TED:
Absolutely.

I'm sorry, am l missing something?

You're selling the house?

-When were you gonna tell me about this?
-After our meeting with CPS.

It's just too big, Messer.
The upkeep's a fortune. You know that.

-l'm paying my half.
-l appreciate that, but it's still not enough.

You should've asked me, Holly.

Oh, like you asked me
about moving to Phoenix?

You're not selling the house.
They wanted her to grow up here.

They wanted you and I to raise her,
but you walked away from that obligation.

You sure didn't waste any time
finding somebody else.

Are you gonna try to make me feel bad
because you walked away?

You wanted to do it on your own,
but you never could've without me.

That's why seconds after I was gone,
you found Replacement Messer.

HOLLY:
He is not Replacement Messer.

Sound really travels in here,
don't you think?

You know what? He is nothing like you.
Sam is nothing like you.

He is warm and kind, and he doesn't
run away at the first sign of something real.

Yeah, l ran.

My best friend died,
and overnight l had a house and a baby.

-l'm sorry if--
-lf what?

-l was scared.
-You don't think I was scared?

It was easier for you. You wanted this.
You wanted the life that they had.

But not the way l got it.
Jesus, not the way l got it.

And not with somebody
who didn't love me back.

But l did.

Holly, I still do.

No, you're right.

We were just....

We were just pretending to be them.

We needed each other
to get through everything.

And now that's done, and we don't need
to pretend anymore, Messer, okay?

I don't wanna fight with you, please.

I'm gonna go back to Phoenix.

You can handle Janine on your own.

Looks like you got things covered here
without me.

Oh, damn it.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

It was great to see you all.

If you're ever in Phoenix,
don't be afraid to look me up.

[SOPHlE CRYING]

Shh, shh, shh.

Okay, dinner is served.

You guys all should try the stuffing.
Really, it's amazing.

There's an andouille-sausage thing
going on, so you'll love it.

Go ahead and dig in.
Come on, everybody, just....

Eat, now.

HOLLY: All right, thanks for coming.
HELEN: Good night, sweetie.

Yeah, okay, that was bad.

Yeah, maybe we did go too fast.

You have unresolved feelings for him.

Messer and l barely got along
under the best circumstances...

...and there weren't very many
of those either.

If my wife and I fought like that...

...well, we'd still be married.

You know, before anything happened
to Peter and Alison...

...you were exactly the guy
I wanted to be with.

I would lose time thinking about you,
and l didn't even know your name yet.

I'll miss you guys.

HOLLY:
"Leonardo was a terrible monster.

He couldn't scare anyone.

He didn't have 1 642--"

Mama.

No, Holly.

-No, I'm Holly.
-Mama.

Yeah, baby girl.

I'm your mama.

HOLLY: The truth is, you know,
sometimes it works better...

...with one person doing everything,
you know?

No charts, no arguments.

I know it's not ideal.

But since when do parents
get the ideal, right?

Right? Right, pretty girl? Huh?
I know, I know.

I'm sorry.

I can't do this. This isn't right.

-ls there a problem?
-Yeah, I'm an idiot.

I gotta reschedule.
I'm sorry. I need to get to the airport.

-Come on.
-What?

[PHONE RlNGING]

All right, come on.
Pick up, pick up, pick up.

MESSER [ON RECORDlNG]:
Hey, this is Messer.

-Ugh!
-Leave me something dirty.

You know,
I could have come back for you.

Well, this is our last meeting,
and l'm booked up for the next month.

-One way or another, we're finishing it.
-Okay.

If you wanna get there quickly, you might
wanna drive faster than other cars.

But you're observing me, so....

-l'm observing you miss the flight. Move it.
-Okay.

[HOLLY CHUCKLlNG ON VIDEO]

HOLLY:
Come here.

July 22nd, 201 0. First steps.

Where you going? Come back.

Yay!

You have a beautiful family.

Thank you.

WOMAN [OVER PA]:
Ladies and gentlemen...

...Flight 722 to Phoenix
will now begin boarding.

Hi. Hi. l need two tickets that will get me
anywhere near Terminal T...

-...as fast as possible, please.
-Three. I'm not waiting in the car.

The baby's shoes too, ma'am.

Are you kidding me? They're baby shoes.

-Just give her to me. Give her to me. Go.
-Here. Okay, thanks.

[SIGHS]

[CRYING]

It's just, you ran all the way there...

...and l thought when I took Sophie,
it would be, you know, okay.

I know.
You know, you did great, you did.

Don't worry about me. l'll be fine, l will.

-l've got Sophie.
-Yeah.

And maybe this is the way
things were meant to be, so--

You're just gonna be so unhappy.

-l'm not gonna start crying again.
-l should get Sophie inside.

Yeah, sure.

-You're gonna be a great mom.
-Thanks.

-l'll let CPS know you passed.
-Thank you. Thanks.

-Chin up.
-Okay.

I'm really sorry that l cried.

-No problem. Used to crying.
-Okay.

Okay.

Here.

Wanna play with the keys?
Just don't lose them like last time.

-Oh, my God. Messer. Oh, my God.
-l didn't mean to scare you, all right?

I had my key, and l thought
that you'd be home for Janine.

Messer--

Look, please don't say anything.
Just listen.

I finally figured out
why Peter and Alison picked us.

And it's not because we knew them best.

It's because you and me together,
with Sophie...

...somehow, we're a family.

Like they were.
And that's why they picked us.

And when I'm gone,
I don't just miss her or you, l miss us.

I miss our family.

I know we got it backwards.

You're supposed to meet, fall in love,
then have a baby, but l don't care.

I don't care how it happened,
because l fell in love with you.

-l fell in love with our family.
-Messer.

I was at the airport.

Did you plan some kind of a trip
that I'm not aware of?

No.

Well, did you hear me say l loved you?
Because I can say it again.

Okay.

I love you.

When I found out that l was pregnant again,
I just cried and l cried and I cried.

And l said, "Scott, can we be this blessed?
Can we?"

We can't repeat what I said.
It was not polite.

We cannot. We were-- You know what?
I think Campbell needs a new diaper.

-Okay.
-Thank you.

-Me, huh?
-Yeah.

-All right.
-Look at him go.

Oh, Scott, could you get me maybe
a little glass of ice water or something?

-Of course. Why haven't l done that?
DEEDEE: Oh, I don't know.

Coming through.

-Hey. Cookie?
-Uh-oh. I don't know what's more delicious.

-Oh, no, thanks. Trying to cut back.
-Okay.

Give me that back.
I'll take one of these. Mostly raisins.

-lt's like a salad.
BETH: Yeah. lt's a great salad.

It's all about the sleep schedule, man.
You've gotta put those babies to sleep.

MESSER:
Hey, Sophie has a request for the caterer.

-Cake.
-Yeah.

Cake? Do you like cake?

It's simple, it's understated, it's....

Yeah, you know me. That's how I roll.
Simple, understated.

[MESSER LAUGHING]

-Ah. Okay, okay.
-Ah. Yes.

-You're never gonna get any easier, are you?
-Nope. And l have another one.

MESSER: What? She's 2.
-lt's for us, because we made it a year.

Okay, babe.

-All right.
-Ready?

-Here we go, Soph. Alrighty.
-Here we go.

Here we go.
We're going to the birthday party.

BOTH [SINGlNG]:
Happy birthday to you

ALL:
Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday, dear Sophie

Happy birthday to you

[ALL CHEERING]

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.