All language subtitles for Not.Dead.Yet.S01E06.720p.WEB.h264-KOGi

♪♪

Oh.

Aah!

Still not used to that.

What's the square footage
in this place?

I could rent this in a day
if I were still alive

and hadn't been hit
by that bus.

Yeah, you've said that,
many times.

You know, you don't need
to brush your teeth.

There's already fluoride
in the water,

and that's how
the Illuminati tracks you.

Well, lucky for you,

you don't have to worry
about that anymore.

You don't know that.

What?!
Is it gonna be
much longer?

We agreed when you moved in,
10 minutes of bathroom time,

and I got one
in the chamber.

Give me a minute!
That's gross.

Does he know about
this whole deal?

No.
Nobody does.

Are you crazy?
They'd lock her up.

That's what happens
to truth tellers.

I really
got to tell Dennis

to stop giving me
multiple obituaries at once.

Come on!
Who are you talking to, anyway?

Nobody. Just listening to
a very annoying podcast.

Man:
You know lying is a sin?

How do you feel
about all this, Father?

I'm very confused about
everything that's happening.

Mm.
Maybe you should talk
to an Episcopalian.

♪♪

-- Captions by VITAC --

I can't believe they put you
in charge of this festival.

I know, right?

It's the newspaper's
biggest moneymaker,

and usually, they give it to,
like, a section editor,

and then I realized, yeah,
your girl's a section editor.

Okay.
Mm-hmm.

Do they know your sordid history
with the festival?

Mm.
How when we were
broke staff writers,

we would just steal
from all the vendors?

I still can't eat
coconut shrimp.

Oh, I learned real quick not to
put skewers in your pocket.

I remember that.

Whoa. The IT guy
got a blowout.

Oh!
Sam, I'm sure you don't mind.

I needed to find out
what a Karen was,

and I thought it might
be a sex thing,

so I didn't want to Google
from my work computer.

Turns out
it's a compliment.

Wow, you really got your finger
on the zeitgeist, Lexi.

I know. Oh! Bad news.

Bistro Eleven has had to
drop out of

the food and wine festival.

I know
who could replace them.

Do you remember
Nyam Mat,

that Swedish-Jamaican fusion
place we were obsessed with?

Of course! Their jerk herring
got us through quarantine.

Plus, they're really
kind of on-brand

with what we were envisioning
for the event, right?

Chic, sexy, but in a casual way,
just like...

Tilda Swinton!
Tilda Swinton!

Ha ha, yes!
I love Tilda Swinton.

She's so...gaunt.

Sam, you should come over
to my place tonight.

Dinner on me

as a little thank-you
for all of your hard work.

We can finalize the layout
for the event

while sipping rosé
and mocking our husbands.

Yes to that.

I am so sorry.
Rain check on Cricket's?

Sure. No problem.

I know you have
a lot on your plate.
Thanks.

Oh, if it helps,
I bet I can get Cricket

to do a booth
for her wine bar.

That would help so much.
Thank you.

How sweet.

Sam, why don't you come up
to my office,

try out
my new massage chair?

I had them take out
the restrictor plate

so it really
gets in there.

Mm! Great.

Heh. Awesome.

Yeah, have fun
in that massage chair.

Me and my sciatica
will just be here

uncomfortably
writing obituaries.

Oh.

Dennis: Hey, hey.
Nell: Mm-hmm?

Just sent you
your next obit assignment.

Terri Lawrence, the puppet lady
from the '80s.

Oh.
Ham Hock: Hi.

I'm Ham Hock.

Oh, great, a puppet lady.
Awesome.

Oh, I'm more
than a puppet.

I'm a friend!

♪♪

Oh, Nell, I would love
to do your festival.

Honey, Monty and I
used to do them all the time,

and we'd have so much fun.

But it's a two-person job.

Maybe I can help.
You know anything about wine?

I dabble.

You dabble?
I do.

Okay.
Tell me about that.

Mm.

It's very wet
on the palate.

No.
Oh.

Deep garnet color.

Fruit punch,
pipe tobacco.

Velvety tannins.
Old World.

Mm.
Southern Italy.

Is this
a 2016 Primitivo?

Yes!

I hate it.

How do you know so much
about wine?

Well, when I was trying
to get my girlfriend,

I read an article in Glamour --
"Ten Things Women Love."

Wine was
at the top of the list.

So, naturally, I learned
everything I could about it.

Unfortunately, however,
she doesn't drink.

It's too bad you're out of town
this weekend.

I'm not.
She asked me not to come.

Why?

Women are complex.
Mm.

Like a 2019 Bordeaux.

Oh!
Can't turn it off.

So, you can help Cricket?

Ah?
Hmm?

I did get a new shirt.
Oh.

No tag, super soft.

I'm very excited
to get into it.

Okay.
Yay!

You guys
are gonna love it.

Oh, me and my friends always
steal from all the booths.

But not yours,
of course.

Huh!

God, I miss bread.

I am gonna eat and drink
all the food and wine

at the food and wine festival
until it is just a festival.

Right.
You're starving yourself.

How's the
Great Sperm Detox going?

Well, Ben and I are making
our deposits tonight after work.

We haven't had
a single drop of alcohol

or a decent bite of food
in three weeks.

Oy.
Gotta keep those wigglyboys
a-squigglin'.

Ew! No. Don't do that.
No.

Dennis: Yes. Do it.
Wonderful news, Sam.

My father will now be attending
our event to see firsthand

how well we're marketing
ourselves to our community.

I just could not be
more...pleased.

Just because he's the CEO
of a very successful

media/health-supplement empire

does not mean
that he's particular.

No, he's very easy
to deal with,

but that said, I think adding
just a couple of things

that I know will get a positive
response could be the move.

Lexi.
Lexi, I know your dad

kind of stresses you out,
so you doing okay?

Uh-huh.
Yeah, totally.

Uh!
You're choking me.
Needs to be tighter.

Yes, listen, I think
just a couple of small things,

like perhaps have a booth set up
with people hand-rolling cigars.

That -- That'd be something
easy to do,

and I can text you the customs
forms for his tobacco concierge.

So that'll be easy.
Oh!

We also need to switch out
the jazz band,

because, um,
jazz agitates him.

In fact, he doesn't actually
care for anything

that inspires people
to move their bodies.

Uh, so maybe, um,
I don't know -- bagpipes!

Can you get bagpipes?

Of course you can.
You're magic.

Oh, I don't have
that kind of time.

Ooh, speaking of time,

I need you to move up
everything by two hours
to accommodate his schedule.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!
You're the best.

Hey.

You guys are screwed.
Byeee.

Is she for real?

She just comes in here
and dumps work on you

and messes
with your bangs,

which were perfect
to begin with, by the way?

No, it's fine.

Her dad just throws
a lot at her.

You're
a very nice person.

You're like Tilda Swinton
in some movie

where she does too much
for someone

who doesn't appreciate her.

Oh, I'm -- I'm not even sure
who she is.

The point is, this doesn't
feel like a two-way street.

Just because a friend
has another friend

doesn't mean you can't
all be friends.

Quit it, pig!

Look, Nell, Lexi and I
are friends, okay?

So it would be really helpful
if the two of you

could just figure out
a way to get along.
Of course.

Just 'cause my friend
has another friend

doesn't mean we can't
all be friends.

Okay.

That's what
I like to hear.

But I hope
it was sincere.

♪♪

Sam: Oh, my God.

This was so hard
to pull together last-minute.

I can't even tell
what's real anymore.

It seems like
you pulled it off.

Look at this.
Dennis: Hey.

Hey.
Hey.
So, we might want to
switch around the booths

so people eat
before they drink,

because I don't know
if it's the detox,

or maybe
it's the empty stomach,

but this wine
has your boy festive.

Yeah, I'm so sorry.

It was not supposed to be
like that.

It was just changing the time
for Lexi's dad

screwed everything up.

Well, I desperately need
some food to soak up this wine,

so Risotto Hut,
five minutes.

Sam, babe, what time is
Kilta Kimbo hitting the stage?

The who what now?
Kilta Kimbo.

The Scottish Highland
dancing group I booked.

I --
I thought your dad
hated dancing.

Correct.
He does,
but he loves kicking.

Ah! It's arrived.

What's --
What's arrived?

Why is there a monster truck
at my festival?

I had it donated
so we could raffle it off.

But I'm gonna make sure
Daddy wins it.

Our little secret.

No, that's fraud.

You're hilarious.

So, Lex, this is a little bit
more than what I was expecting

when you asked me to
help you out with this festival.

Oh, it's nothing my BFF
can't handle.

My Best Friend,
Figuring it out.

Well, no,
that would be BFFIO,

and that's not even
a real thing.

If I have to make room
for that truck,

I'm gonna lose tables,

so I might as well
just lost my mind

because that seems
more efficient.
Okay, are you breathing?

I don't know. My chest
is going up and down, but
nothing's going in or out.

It's just
a wine festival, okay?

What's the worst
that can happen?

Someone could drink
without eating

and they'd get dehydrated
and then they could die,

then possibly
other people die,

and then we'd have to go
on the lam

and dye our hair blond
and move to Portugal.

Portugal?
Okay, nobody's going to die.

But if they did, you would look
really hot as a blonde.

Okay.

Okay, thank you.

You got this.
Come on.

Alright. Okay.

I am and gonna go and make
this festival my bitch.

Yes, you are.
Okay.

'Cause I'm your real BFF,
you know?

Not like a BFF that's utterly
and truly insensitive.

Yeah, 'cause that would be a
BFF-UTI, and nobody wants that.

It's not nice to be mean
about someone's friend.

That's right,
Ham Hock.

And UTIs
are no joking matter.

This isn't going
to end well.

You know what
I'm in the mood for?

Hmm?
Some prosciutto.

And so,
much like Aladdin,

we end our journey in a whole
new world with our Syrah.

You can tell
they've tried to extract

as much terroir
as possible.

Drink.

Why?

Monty and I used to play
this wine-snob game.

If anyone said "terroir" or
"legs" or "jammy," we'd drink.

He was right about the terroir,
though.

I'm starting to think
that it's not the festivals

that I enjoy so much.

It's Monty.

We could have fun
anywhere.

I'm sorry.

I guess the heat and the sun
beating down

doesn't have me
in a fun mood.

Excuse me.

Would you mind loaning
my friend your umbrella?

I don't think so.

She just lost
her husband.
Ohh.

I'm sorry
for your loss.

Yeah.
I hope this helps.

Thank you.

You're welcome.
Aww.

You know, she's also sad

because she doesn't have
a lemonade.

You didn't get
a lemonade?

Mnh-mnh.

Here you go.
Aww. Thank you.

You're welcome.
Mmm!

This is much tastier
than my tears.

Okay.

Alright now.
Bless you.
Thank you.

Did we just invent
the Widow Game?

I think we did.
Okay! I like it.

Sam:
Okay, it's not perfect,

but it could be
so much worse, right?

It could be
so much worse.

I don't know I would have done
any of this without you.

Lexi: Sam?
Mm?

What is this?

A plate
with a hole in it.

It is a hole
for your wine glass.

Yeah, I took this from a woman.
She brought it from home.

I'd like it back.
You stay out of this.

Now, this is innovation.

This is unique, creative.

It's making all of our plates
look stupid!

Okay, are you being serious
right now?

Because I moved heaven and earth
to make this festival great,

and now you're upset
because the plates

don't have holes in them?

No, I'm upset because
I hired you to do a job

and you --
you dropped the ball.

Oh, you hired me?
I'm someone you hire now?

Because when you were stressed
and needed

someone to stay up all night,
then I was your friend.

Sam, make no mistake,
I am your boss,

and it is your job to do
exactly what I tell you to do.

And right now, it doesn't feel
like you're up for that job.

Here.

Whoa.

I am so sorry.

That was harsh
even for Lexi standards.

It's fine.
No! It is not.

She claims
to be your friend,

and then she treats you
like crap all day.

She's spoiled
and entitled,

and she doesn't deserve you,
dude.

You know what?

Actually, if she thinks

that I am so terrible
at running this event,

then she can run
the rest of it herself,

and you and I can go off
and have fun like we used to.

♪♪

Cricket: Go!
Okay, come on.

Alright.
Let's go, let's go, let's go.

Yes, yes, yes.
Oh, you better hurry up.

My father was, um --
he was a connoisseur himself,

and --
do you have vegan --

I gotta go.
Thank you.

♪♪

Mm!
Ah!

Look at you!

I don't even know
how you did that.

You know what sucks?
Huh?

I work my ass off
to make Lexi's event great.

She doesn't appreciate
any of it.

No, no, no, no, no. We don't
need to talk about Lexi.

Come on.
We're having so much fun.

After I pee, let's go see
if the bagpipers will let us

try to play a song.

You're right.

And you've always been right
about her, you know?

Well...
I'm done with her.

She is spoiled
and entitled

and she doesn't deserve me
as a friend.

I tend to be
a good judge of character.

Wrap it up, buddy!

But the good news is,
is that I'm back.

You don't need her anymore.
Heh heh!

- Thank you!
- It's all yours.

To you.
Whew!

Oh, yeah,
there it is.

You know, someone should
actually tell Lexi

to her face
that she's selfish.

Uh-huh.
And that she's a butthole.

Yeah, she is.
Ha!

And that person
should be me right now.

Huh?
Here I go.

Wait, what?

No, Sam,
that's a terrible idea.

She's your boss.
Sam!

Sam? Huh?

No. Sam?
Sam?

I warned you things
wouldn't end well

if you didn't share
your friend.

You were in there
the whole time?

I saw everything.

That is not cool.

Uh, hey, Lexi.

Um, did Sam come
to talk to you yet?

No, she has not.

Okay, well, it looks like
you're waiting

for your dragons to hatch,
so I'll just leave you to it.

This event is
a complete disaster.

I stupidly made
all these changes

just so my father would like it,
and now he's not even coming.

His assistant texted me to say
that he can't make it,

just like my graduation,
my wedding,

my birth.

Uh...

Alrighty.

Well, it looks like you have
that under control, so bye!

Ham Hock: Lexi seems sad.

You should never leave
someone alone who's sad.

Put a sock in it, sock.
Okay?

I'm done
with the moralizing.

Why do you find it so hard
to listen to good advice?

Oh, my God, Terri.

I'll be honest,
I completely forgot

you were just a person.

That's okay.
Sometimes I forget, too.

Nell, when I was a child,
I had a terrible stutter.

A lot of the kids
made fun of me.

It made me really sad,

and I closed myself off
from the rest of the world.

And then one day,
I drew a face on a sock,

and it made me smile,

and I realized that when
I talked through the puppet,

my stutter went away.

Wow.
That's amazing.

Ham Hock let me
talk to people,

and I realized that the ones
who are the prickliest

are hiding that, deep down,
they're in pain.

I know that Ham Hock
may seem silly,

but with her help, I make people
who are hurting feel better.

And I think you can do that
for Lexi, too.

♪♪

♪♪

Ohh.

You okay, bro?

I'm fine.

Yeah, it doesn't seem like
you're fine.

Sucks that
your dad sucks, huh?

What are you doing?
Why are you doing this?

Who sent you?
No one.

I --
Just trying to help,

and it seems like
you're sad, so...

Thought you might
want to talk.

Fine.

Yes, my father sucks.

But he's always sucked.

I just can't stop thinking about
how terrible I was to Sam.

I mean, I said
such horrible things to her,

and it's just --
it's not like me.

I mean, you do that to me
all the time.

Yes, because I don't care
about you.

Yep.
Just like that.

Look, I know that I can be
kind of...harsh

and intense
and attractive,

but Sam liked me anyway.

She was my best friend,
and I ruined it.

And I'm sure
this delights you.

I mean, now you have her
all to yourself.

I know that you...
dislike me.

I don't.
I-I don't dislike you.

I'm just...

a little jealous of you
sometimes.

That makes sense.

I'm sorry your dad
did that to you.

You didn't deserve that.

♪♪

Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

♪♪

You're freaking me out.
Go away.

And there she is.

♪♪

Look, look.

I made some man in a skirt
cry.

That's some
high-level widowing.

I know.

Thank you.

And thank you for today.

My pleasure.

So what happened with
your girlfriend this weekend?

You never said.

She was in a bad mood
after work,

so I figured
I should leave her alone.

Did you ask her
what was wrong?

Damn it.

This is why I need a magazine
list to tell me what women want.

I don't know,
I think your instincts

are mostly pretty good.

Look, I didn't think I could
have fun without Monty

at these things,
and you showed me that I can.

You don't need a list
to be a catch.

So...
should I delete it?

Okay,
let's take a look.

These are not all bad.
Mm.

I think your girlfriend
would want you around

if you did number seven.

I do number seven
all the time.

She says
I'm fantastic at it.

I learned a lot of stuff
from a book by Kim Cattrall.

Suddenly I don't feel so bad
for your girlfriend.

Look at number 10.

Oh, now,
that's some crazy.

Ah, hold on.

♪♪

There you are.

Oh, please don't tell me
you're so drunk

you think
that this is an Uber.

I didn't tell Lexi off.

Yeah, that's probably
for the best.

I just can't believe
she said all those

awful things, you know?

I thought we were closer
than that.

You know, when you were
in London and I had the kids,

she was the only one
there for me.

Oh, I suck.
I'm so sorry, Sam.

No, that is
not about you.

You were off living your life,
and that was great.

It's just that I was here,
and I was overwhelmed,

and I didn't know
what I was doing.

And Lexi is the one that
helped me really figure it out,

and I really
leaned on her.

I think you're being hard
on Lexi.

I know. Exactly, right?
It's just...

Wait, what?

She had some bad moments today,
for sure,

but she feels really bad,

and your friendship
means a lot to her.

Okay, am I still drunk,
or are you saying

sort of nice things
about Lexi?

Girl, I'm drunk.

I mean, that's the only way
to explain that.

No, I'm...

It's not all on her.

You know, I haven't exactly been
looking for Lexi's good side.

I mean, maybe it's because
she doesn't show it to me,

but today
I saw a sliver of it.

It was
a very small sliver,

like when you go to
a super-bomb sushi restaurant,

and the sushi chef cuts
that fish real thin,

that it's
almost translucent.

You can see the rice
through it and the wasabi --

Okay. No, I get it.
I get what you're saying.

I'm never gonna love Lexi,

but I am so grateful
that she was there for you

when I couldn't be.

Anyone who cares about you
this much can't be all that bad.

♪♪

♪ Wake up, kids,
we got the dreamers disease ♪

Nell: It's funny how
the simplest lessons in life

can seem so silly,

but we keep coming back
to them again and again

because they're so true.

Oh, thank you
very much.

Help each other.

Be kind.

Share.

Even if life gets more
complicated as we get older,

if we feel left out
or left behind,

one thing never changes.

Nell, we stole all the truffle
fries from Archie's Tater Shack.

Get the ketchup.
Oh, and a fork.

Our friends are always there
for us when we need them.

Thanks for all the advice,
Ham Hock and Terri.

Our pleasure.

And always remember
to pee after sex.

♪ Don't give up ♪

♪ You got a reason to live ♪

♪ Can't forget ♪

Hey, save some for me!

♪ We only get what we give ♪

Ham Hock: Hi, Nell.

Ham Hock?

I -- What are you --

Wait, how are --
I pressed send.

It's me -- Tina.
Oh.

I read your obit
about Terri Lawrence,

and it inspired me
to pull out my old Hock Sock.

Turns out, writing about crime
is so much more fun.

Ham Hock:
It's usually the husband.

Give me the pig.

Give me the pig, Tina.

♪♪

Why are you so --

No.

Wow.