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♪
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MEL BROOKS:
"The Oslo Peace Accords."
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NORWEGIAN MAN:
This is really historic.
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We have agreed in principle
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to a real and everlasting peace accord
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between Israel and Palestine.
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Now, if I could just get
some general agreement noises
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from the room. Like, just a sort of...
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[all murmuring in agreement]
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Good, good, and... perfect!
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Good, thank you. That was just right.
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Okay, now I'm gonna get this
ready for the signings, ja?
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There's just one more thing concerning
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who gets to claim the homeland of hummus,
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but we can iron that afterward. Ja.
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♪ tense music ♪
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[concerned murmuring]
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This is not a small thing.
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We must settle on who
created hummus before we sign,
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or we can never have true peace.
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- Of course.
- This is very simple, really,
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when you think about it because Israel,
you know, created hummus.
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[condescending laughing]
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I didn't realize
I was watching Family Matters right now.
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What are you talking about?
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Oh, because you're like Steve Urkel,
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in that you are making me laugh.
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"Did I do that?" No.
[spectator gasps]
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My Palestinian ancestors did that!
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What do you think the Jews
were eating in the desert
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for 40 years, Amir? Wet sand?
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That's exactly how you
describe Israeli hummus.
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- Fuck you, man.
- Oh, fuck you.
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Ooh, hoo, hoo, hoo!
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- [murmuring]
- Guys, guys, guys, come on now.
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We agreed the only F word
we're gonna use in this room
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is friendship.
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Go friendship yourself.
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Excuse me, but, uh, make no mistake.
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Egypt created hummus.
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[all laughing]
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Yes, of course! You know what--
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I have heard enough, okay?
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Because it is...
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Greece who has invented hummus!
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It's as Greek as naked wrestling.
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And may I just say, Christos,
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that the only thing the Greeks invented
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was being a shitty little asshole.
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- [murmuring]
- Oh, snap.
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Everybody knows that
Turkey is the home of hummus.
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Turkey is the home of hummus?
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- TURKISH AMBASSADOR: That's right.
- Okay. This is rich, okay?
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Because your country is called Turkey,
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but you make absolutely
no claim to that food.
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Don't want. Don't want it.
CHRISTOS: Okay.
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What you should be called instead
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is Bullshit.
[laughter]
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Because that is all you make.
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Please, please, no, no, no. You guys--
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And I think your country
is called Greece
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because your food is so greasy.
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Oh no! Spanakopita is... oily, okay?
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It's not greasy.
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Hey, hey! Why don't we sit down, right?
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Why are we standing?
There's no need to stand! Guys, guys,
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I don't even know why we're
discussing this, to be honest.
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I put it in there as a joke.
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[laughs] It was just like a little
funny thing before lunch.
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Lunch!
AMIR: Ah, yes! Yes.
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We are going to sign whatever
the hell you want us to sign,
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and we're going to get the F out of here.
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Oh, yes! Wonderful.
Yes, let's sign it, please! Oh God...
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We'll just go to my place,
the Israeli embassy.
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We'll have lunch.
CHRISTOS: Greek embassy lunch is on me!
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TURKISH AMBASSADOR:
The Turkish embassy is open.
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NORWEGIAN AMBASSADOR:
Well, we can also just eat here,
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at the Norwegian embassy.
ISRAELI AMBASSADOR: Fuck you.
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Well, okay. More sheep's head
for me then, right? [laughs]
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♪ epic theme playing ♪
81
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MEL:
History of The World, Part II!
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♪ cheerful theme playing ♪
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♪ From Barbados to Brooklyn, then to DC ♪
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♪ She's the first Black congresswoman ♪
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♪ She's Shirley ♪
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♪ It's been a long hard road,
but hope was never lost ♪
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♪ 'Cause that girl
Shirley's unbought and unbossed ♪
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♪ Ooh, ooh, Shirley ♪
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[audience cheering]
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ANNOUNCER: Shirley! is filmed
in front of a live Black audience.
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♪ Yeah... ♪
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Wow! This place is so futuristic!
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Well, that's 'cause,
for our anniversary,
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I wanted to take you
out of this world. [laughs]
95
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I'm talkin' hotel sex.
[audience laughter]
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I promise, no work this weekend.
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No campaigning,
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no speeches, no candidate.
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- I am just your wife.
- [laughs] Right.
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[Conrad clears throat]
[audience laughter]
101
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What about that jacket?
102
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It's the only one I have with pockets.
103
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[audience laughter]
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00:04:14,838 --> 00:04:17,716
- Welcome to the Watergate Hotel.
- Yes, uh,
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reservation's under Chisholm.
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00:04:19,510 --> 00:04:21,845
I booked a room with
a heart-shaped bathtub
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and a fireplace that roars.
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00:04:24,181 --> 00:04:27,100
Yes, it's in the notes.
We don't have that.
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What? Come on, now!
[audience laughter]
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- I made this reservation weeks ago!
- Gloria?
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The most famous feminist in the world?
[audience cheering]
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Gloria!
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Shirley Chisholm?
Are you here for our conference?
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Am I?
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Does a woman only make 56 cents
for every dollar a man makes?
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- [audience laughter]
- [laughs] Shirley!
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00:04:46,537 --> 00:04:48,997
Of course, I'm here
for your conference! Yeah!
118
00:04:48,997 --> 00:04:51,500
Well, it's so great that you're here,
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and I will see you in Ballroom One.
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- Absolutely! I'll see you inside.
- Okay.
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00:04:55,587 --> 00:04:58,465
Twin beds?
Come on, now, that's not cool.
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Shirley Chisholm.
[audience cheering]
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00:05:01,802 --> 00:05:03,470
Reverend Jesse Jackson?
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00:05:03,470 --> 00:05:07,224
Shirley, now, you are
a sister that is no-nonsense.
125
00:05:07,224 --> 00:05:10,602
I can only assume you are here
for our conference.
126
00:05:10,602 --> 00:05:11,854
[audience laughter]
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00:05:11,854 --> 00:05:13,856
Jesse, I am here,
128
00:05:13,856 --> 00:05:15,649
and I got your back.
129
00:05:15,649 --> 00:05:18,861
I came for your conference.
Yes, it is Black.
130
00:05:18,861 --> 00:05:20,696
- [audience laughter]
- I cannot wait
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to share my ideas that are new.
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I look forward to seeing you
in Ballroom Number Two.
133
00:05:26,493 --> 00:05:28,412
Thank you.
[audience laughter]
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Shirley, baby, look, I'm gettin'
a bad vibe about this place.
135
00:05:31,206 --> 00:05:34,001
- Let's just go home.
- No, we can't! We just started the farce!
136
00:05:34,001 --> 00:05:35,752
- The farce?
- Uh, I mean,
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th-th-the force.
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00:05:37,379 --> 00:05:40,841
The force of our love and romance.
139
00:05:40,841 --> 00:05:42,259
- Just get the key!
- Okay.
140
00:05:42,259 --> 00:05:44,011
Okay, alright.
I'll take the key, I'll take the key.
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00:05:44,011 --> 00:05:47,347
ANNOUNCER: Coming up
on the next episode of Shirley!...
142
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Flo, the feminists and the Black Caucus
are here at the Watergate.
143
00:05:51,018 --> 00:05:53,103
I wanna get them both to endorse me.
144
00:05:53,103 --> 00:05:54,980
I need you to bring me
two different outfits.
145
00:05:54,980 --> 00:05:57,524
While I'm downstairs,
I need you to stay here
146
00:05:57,524 --> 00:05:59,151
and keep Conrad in the bathtub.
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00:05:59,151 --> 00:06:01,820
CONRAD: Shirley,
should I put on one of those mud masks?
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It's all in the mole.
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[imitating Shirley]:
That sounds good, baby!
150
00:06:04,865 --> 00:06:05,741
[normal voice]:
I got this, girl.
151
00:06:08,744 --> 00:06:10,662
MEL:
"Typhoid Mary"
152
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Don't breathe on me, please.
153
00:06:12,789 --> 00:06:16,793
♪ lively Celtic music ♪
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Hey! It's me, Mary,
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00:06:19,379 --> 00:06:22,257
or as I'm known in some circles,
Typhoid Mary.
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00:06:22,257 --> 00:06:26,220
And welcome to my cooking channel,
"Eat, Drink and be Mary."
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Just to catch you up, I have
been accused of giving typhoid,
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a highly contagious and fatal disease
spread through food,
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to hundreds of people
that I've cooked for,
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00:06:34,561 --> 00:06:36,522
which, you know, while it's ridiculous,
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I do appreciate
the opportunity to create a brand.
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00:06:39,274 --> 00:06:42,361
Now, today we are going to be
making corned beef and cabbage,
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a classic Irish dish.
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As traditional to Ireland
as alcoholism and shame.
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[racking cough]
166
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[panting, gasping]
[wiping hands]
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So, before we get going...
[stomach gurgling]
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Uh-oh! I got something cookin'.
[farts]
169
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And no, it's not in the oven.
It's in my pants.
170
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[farts]
I gotta go have a shit.
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Don't you go anywhere. Love you!
172
00:07:11,473 --> 00:07:15,310
MEL: And now, back to
"The Last Supper Sessions."
173
00:07:15,310 --> 00:07:17,521
[guitar strumming]
LUKE [sings falsetto]: Frogs and locusts!
174
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♪ Frogs and locusts, so in love ♪
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00:07:20,899 --> 00:07:23,443
MARK: I think the whole thing
would work better lower.
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LUKE:
Too high for me, mate.
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How come Jesus isn't wearing any shoes?
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Maybe you should be asking
why you're wearing shoes.
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[strumming continues]
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Far out, man.
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- [stops strumming]
- Ah! This is so frustrating.
182
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Nothing's working!
MARK: I think,
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00:07:38,834 --> 00:07:41,753
respectfully, you need to,
uh, pick up your accent, mate.
184
00:07:41,753 --> 00:07:43,005
You're from Nazareth.
185
00:07:43,005 --> 00:07:45,340
Mm, no. I'm from North Carolina.
186
00:07:45,340 --> 00:07:47,593
Nobody told me that when
I signed up for this,
187
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I had to have a Liverpoolian accent!
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[no accent]:
Are we dropping the accent?!
189
00:07:50,429 --> 00:07:52,181
Yes! We're dropping the accent!
MARK: No.
190
00:07:52,181 --> 00:07:53,640
Oh, thank God!
MARK: No. No!
191
00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:55,100
We're committing to the bit!
192
00:07:55,100 --> 00:07:58,395
- We're keeping the accents!
- Lads, lads, lads, listen!
193
00:07:58,395 --> 00:08:00,063
We're just in a bit of a rut.
194
00:08:00,063 --> 00:08:02,357
We need a pick-me-up, that's all. Okay?
195
00:08:02,357 --> 00:08:03,901
Is it possible
196
00:08:03,901 --> 00:08:05,360
to turn this goat milk to rosé?
197
00:08:06,403 --> 00:08:08,030
Mate, no.
198
00:08:08,030 --> 00:08:10,949
[Scouse accent]:
[laughs] Hey, Jesus! Look who I found!
199
00:08:10,949 --> 00:08:12,075
Yes!
200
00:08:12,075 --> 00:08:14,244
It's Lazarus!
[cheering]
201
00:08:14,244 --> 00:08:15,162
[gasps]
202
00:08:15,162 --> 00:08:17,247
JESUS: L.L.! Lazarus! Yes!
MARY: Lazzie!
203
00:08:17,247 --> 00:08:20,000
I played with Laz out in Galilee.
He's wild, man. Wild.
204
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:23,629
Hey now, that show was out of sight!
205
00:08:23,629 --> 00:08:24,838
MARK: Oh.
[loud laugh]
206
00:08:24,838 --> 00:08:28,008
[laughing]
Wow... Wow.
207
00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:30,219
Hey, wh-where's Judas?
208
00:08:30,219 --> 00:08:32,137
[strumming]
LUKE: Well, you know...
209
00:08:32,137 --> 00:08:34,556
- [awkward mumbling]
- Judas left the band.
210
00:08:34,556 --> 00:08:37,267
- He did.
- And so, we're missing a whole...
211
00:08:37,267 --> 00:08:40,896
[strumming continues]
dimension of sound, you know? So...
212
00:08:40,896 --> 00:08:43,232
JESUS:
We really haven't spoke about it.
213
00:08:43,232 --> 00:08:44,858
Why don't you play something for us, mate?
214
00:08:44,858 --> 00:08:46,735
LAZARUS: Me?
JESUS: Yeah, mate. I mean,
215
00:08:46,735 --> 00:08:48,237
we'd love to have you, mate.
216
00:08:48,237 --> 00:08:50,989
MARK: You could give us
the extra dimension we're looking for.
217
00:08:50,989 --> 00:08:53,450
Wow. Uh, yeah, I guess I could
try something, I don't...
218
00:08:53,450 --> 00:08:54,743
See what it's all about.
219
00:08:54,743 --> 00:08:57,162
[lively electric piano]
JESUS: Bring us back from the dead, mate.
220
00:08:57,162 --> 00:08:59,206
Yes!
MARK: Yes! Wow.
221
00:08:59,206 --> 00:09:01,416
- [impressed chatter]
- That's good.
222
00:09:01,416 --> 00:09:02,751
Pure butter.
[projector clicks]
223
00:09:02,751 --> 00:09:04,711
♪ Don't get me down ♪
224
00:09:04,711 --> 00:09:06,421
♪
225
00:09:06,421 --> 00:09:08,006
♪ From the cross, yeah ♪
226
00:09:08,006 --> 00:09:09,383
[obnoxious bleating]
227
00:09:09,383 --> 00:09:11,385
♪ Don't get me down ♪
228
00:09:11,385 --> 00:09:13,846
♪ I came to die here for your sins ♪
229
00:09:13,846 --> 00:09:15,514
[bleating continues]
230
00:09:15,514 --> 00:09:17,808
♪ Don't get me down ♪
231
00:09:17,808 --> 00:09:19,768
[weak laugh]
[clapping]
232
00:09:19,768 --> 00:09:21,019
Hey, Jude.
233
00:09:21,019 --> 00:09:24,523
You know, I want you to know
I had my come-to-Jesus moment, and...
234
00:09:27,192 --> 00:09:29,444
Told me to come back to Jesus.
235
00:09:32,197 --> 00:09:34,199
Of course, lad. You're forgiven.
236
00:09:35,951 --> 00:09:36,785
Honk!
237
00:09:40,539 --> 00:09:42,833
Honk if I love Jesus, and I do.
238
00:09:42,833 --> 00:09:45,752
MARK:
All are friends again. There we go.
239
00:09:45,752 --> 00:09:47,546
Alright, so have we decided
where we're gonna play?
240
00:09:47,546 --> 00:09:49,006
JESUS:
Oh...
241
00:09:49,006 --> 00:09:51,175
Why don't we just do it
on the bloody roof?
242
00:09:51,175 --> 00:09:52,759
Be great for my hair, wouldn't it?
243
00:09:52,759 --> 00:09:54,136
Your hair would look great.
244
00:09:54,136 --> 00:09:56,013
Your hair would look problematic.
245
00:09:57,222 --> 00:09:58,515
Yeah.
MARK: Alright then.
246
00:09:58,515 --> 00:10:00,475
JESUS: Alright.
LUKE: There's my man Judas.
247
00:10:00,475 --> 00:10:02,019
It's the end of the session!
248
00:10:03,312 --> 00:10:06,106
[farting, water splashing]
MARY: Oh! That's straight water.
249
00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:09,276
There's no substance to that at all.
It just fell right out of there.
250
00:10:09,276 --> 00:10:10,903
Oh! Woo!
[fart, splash]
251
00:10:10,903 --> 00:10:12,696
[sighs] I don't have any toilet paper!
252
00:10:12,696 --> 00:10:14,406
Get this guy right here...
253
00:10:14,406 --> 00:10:16,491
Ha, resourceful!
254
00:10:16,491 --> 00:10:17,784
[view count clicking]
255
00:10:17,784 --> 00:10:20,204
[groaning, yelling]
[farting, splashing]
256
00:10:20,204 --> 00:10:21,288
Ow!
257
00:10:22,414 --> 00:10:24,833
♪ Ooh, ooh, Shirley... ♪
258
00:10:24,833 --> 00:10:26,835
[studio audience applauds]
259
00:10:26,835 --> 00:10:29,505
JESSE JACKSON: The white politicians
continue to fuck us,
260
00:10:29,505 --> 00:10:32,716
and that's why we started our
own Black political caucus.
261
00:10:32,716 --> 00:10:33,884
That's "fuck us."
262
00:10:34,510 --> 00:10:35,886
- Jesse!
- Shirley!
263
00:10:35,886 --> 00:10:37,930
What's happenin', Jesse? Gimme five!
264
00:10:37,930 --> 00:10:39,348
Black hand side!
265
00:10:39,348 --> 00:10:40,599
Down low?
266
00:10:40,599 --> 00:10:42,059
You're too slow!
267
00:10:42,059 --> 00:10:43,894
[audience laughter]
268
00:10:44,394 --> 00:10:46,772
So, as a member of the Black community,
269
00:10:46,772 --> 00:10:49,149
I was hoping that I would get
your support in the election.
270
00:10:50,275 --> 00:10:51,568
Well, maybe you will,
271
00:10:51,568 --> 00:10:53,695
if you give a speech at the podium.
272
00:10:53,695 --> 00:10:55,656
- Pig in a blanket?
- Not for me.
273
00:10:55,656 --> 00:10:57,658
Too much sodium.
[studio audience laughs]
274
00:10:57,658 --> 00:10:59,618
How do you do that?
[laughs] Doesn't matter.
275
00:10:59,618 --> 00:11:01,078
Why don't we do it right now?
276
00:11:01,078 --> 00:11:02,538
[imitates tire screech]
277
00:11:02,538 --> 00:11:05,624
I'd love to hear you speak,
uh, that would be fun,
278
00:11:05,624 --> 00:11:07,209
but you cannot take the podium
279
00:11:07,209 --> 00:11:09,753
until Mr. Charlie Rangel is done.
280
00:11:09,753 --> 00:11:13,715
[Conrad scat singing]
[water splashing]
281
00:11:13,715 --> 00:11:16,718
[audience laughter]
282
00:11:18,053 --> 00:11:21,056
- Did you lock up either endorsement?
- [whispers]: Not yet!
283
00:11:21,056 --> 00:11:24,476
I'm telling you,
a song will really win them over.
284
00:11:24,476 --> 00:11:27,187
No, no. No song.
285
00:11:28,146 --> 00:11:30,232
No gimmicks. No catchphrases.
286
00:11:30,732 --> 00:11:32,442
And you can Shirley count on that!
287
00:11:32,442 --> 00:11:34,653
[audience laughter]
288
00:11:34,653 --> 00:11:36,780
So, how's it going with Conrad?
[water splashing]
289
00:11:36,780 --> 00:11:38,240
CONRAD:
Shirley, who are you talking to?
290
00:11:40,075 --> 00:11:41,618
BOTH:
Nobody, baby!
291
00:11:41,618 --> 00:11:44,246
[audience laughter]
[grumbling]
292
00:11:44,246 --> 00:11:48,208
CONRAD: You better be getting ready
'cause I am shaving myself clean in here.
293
00:11:48,208 --> 00:11:50,794
[audience laughter]
294
00:11:50,794 --> 00:11:52,337
You owe me for this.
295
00:11:52,337 --> 00:11:54,089
[imitating]:
Oh, that's good, baby!
296
00:11:54,089 --> 00:11:56,884
I love you silky smooth.
297
00:11:56,884 --> 00:11:57,885
[studio audience laughs]
298
00:11:57,885 --> 00:12:00,053
ALL:
299
00:12:00,053 --> 00:12:04,141
Burn, baby, burn!
300
00:12:04,141 --> 00:12:07,144
[all cheering and applauding]
301
00:12:07,144 --> 00:12:09,479
GLORIA STEINEM:
Yes, yes, yes!
302
00:12:09,479 --> 00:12:10,772
Shirley!
SHIRLEY: Yeah! So, Gloria,
303
00:12:10,772 --> 00:12:13,609
are you ready to take that photograph
now for the magazine?
304
00:12:13,609 --> 00:12:16,153
You know what, in a few minutes
because right now, we're burning our bras.
305
00:12:16,153 --> 00:12:19,072
- Oh! Well, uh, d-- count me in!
- Yes!
306
00:12:19,072 --> 00:12:20,741
[all cheering]
307
00:12:20,741 --> 00:12:22,826
- That smells like freedom.
- Yes. Oh!
308
00:12:22,826 --> 00:12:25,245
[cheering continues]
309
00:12:26,455 --> 00:12:29,041
Um, so how long does this take?
310
00:12:29,041 --> 00:12:32,211
The D cups take about four minutes,
and the B cups about two minutes.
311
00:12:32,211 --> 00:12:35,672
Okay, I would say this is
like a C-average room,
312
00:12:35,672 --> 00:12:38,050
so three minutes, got it! Okay.
313
00:12:38,050 --> 00:12:40,135
[clapping]
GLORIA: Yes, throw them in, women!
314
00:12:40,135 --> 00:12:42,513
Throw them in!
[cheering]
315
00:12:42,888 --> 00:12:45,891
♪
316
00:12:47,226 --> 00:12:50,229
[audience laughter]
317
00:12:56,985 --> 00:12:59,571
Write this down.
"We want James Brown."
318
00:12:59,571 --> 00:13:01,323
[audience laughter]
319
00:13:01,323 --> 00:13:03,659
I don't wanna push,
I'm not gonna preach,
320
00:13:03,659 --> 00:13:06,119
but I'm going up there
and giving a speech.
321
00:13:06,119 --> 00:13:07,538
I want you up there
322
00:13:07,538 --> 00:13:10,249
for the votes you will earn,
but I'm sorry to say...
323
00:13:11,542 --> 00:13:12,876
it is Ron Dellums' turn.
324
00:13:12,876 --> 00:13:14,711
Ron Dellums!
[clapping]
325
00:13:14,711 --> 00:13:17,130
Damn it!
[studio laughter]
326
00:13:17,130 --> 00:13:19,842
♪
327
00:13:20,217 --> 00:13:22,302
GLORIA:
Now, are we making it a walk,
328
00:13:22,302 --> 00:13:24,471
or a march? Oh!
329
00:13:24,471 --> 00:13:27,182
Oh, Shirley. You changed...
330
00:13:27,182 --> 00:13:28,684
Yes.
331
00:13:28,684 --> 00:13:30,644
Oh, um... [nervous laugh]
332
00:13:30,644 --> 00:13:32,312
Burning that bra felt so good,
333
00:13:32,312 --> 00:13:34,940
I just burned the rest of my outfit.
334
00:13:34,940 --> 00:13:37,943
[audience laughter]
Can we please take that picture now?
335
00:13:37,943 --> 00:13:39,194
GLORIA:
Yes. Everyone!
336
00:13:39,194 --> 00:13:41,822
Photo with presidential candidate
Shirley Chisholm!
337
00:13:41,822 --> 00:13:43,490
Get in here, Bella!
338
00:13:43,490 --> 00:13:45,242
Let's do it. Let's go. Here we go.
[laughter]
339
00:13:45,242 --> 00:13:46,827
[fire alarm ringing]
Oh, my God!
340
00:13:46,827 --> 00:13:48,245
Fire! Fire!
341
00:13:48,245 --> 00:13:50,289
Everybody get out!
[panicked screaming]
342
00:13:50,289 --> 00:13:54,001
L-let's take the picture first!
Come back! Let's ta-- Ladies, let--
343
00:13:54,001 --> 00:13:57,504
Let's take the picture first! Let's...
[sighs] If we don't take the photo,
344
00:13:57,504 --> 00:13:59,131
the men win!
345
00:13:59,131 --> 00:14:01,884
[audience laughter]
346
00:14:01,884 --> 00:14:04,511
[alarm continues]
347
00:14:06,096 --> 00:14:07,848
This is my best bra.
348
00:14:07,848 --> 00:14:09,641
[audience laughter]
349
00:14:09,641 --> 00:14:11,059
[cheering]
ANNOUNCER: Shirley! will be back
350
00:14:11,059 --> 00:14:13,979
after some commercials
starring OJ Simpson.
351
00:14:18,734 --> 00:14:21,236
MEL:
"The Mongolian Empire"
352
00:14:21,236 --> 00:14:23,947
♪ Asiatic music ♪
353
00:14:23,947 --> 00:14:27,618
Kublai Khan controlled
more land than any person
354
00:14:27,618 --> 00:14:30,454
in the history of the world! Part II.
355
00:14:30,454 --> 00:14:32,414
But, as the saying goes,
356
00:14:32,414 --> 00:14:36,376
"Behind every great man is 10,000 women."
357
00:14:36,376 --> 00:14:38,170
♪ Real Housewives -esque theme ♪
358
00:14:38,170 --> 00:14:40,130
CHABI:
I'm Chabi.
359
00:14:40,130 --> 00:14:41,882
I'm not a wife of Kublai Khan.
360
00:14:41,882 --> 00:14:44,092
I'm his number-one wife.
361
00:14:44,092 --> 00:14:46,887
EHRI:
I'm Ehri, and in Xanadu,
362
00:14:46,887 --> 00:14:49,973
you Xana- don't wanna cross me.
363
00:14:49,973 --> 00:14:52,809
NAMBUI: My name is Nambui,
and I'm grateful for the Khan.
364
00:14:52,809 --> 00:14:55,395
Now my parents have fresh meat
to eat every day!
365
00:14:55,395 --> 00:14:58,565
CRYSTAL: I'm Crystal,
and these other concs don't scare me
366
00:14:58,565 --> 00:15:00,817
because I'm from Beverly Hills.
367
00:15:00,817 --> 00:15:03,904
KAYLA: I'm Kayla.
KAYLAH: And I'm Kaylah.
368
00:15:03,904 --> 00:15:06,865
BOTH: And we're double the fun
and double the trouble.
369
00:15:06,865 --> 00:15:08,367
[sheep bleats]
370
00:15:12,412 --> 00:15:13,872
[bleats]
371
00:15:13,872 --> 00:15:15,457
WOMEN:
And we're the Real Concubines...
372
00:15:15,457 --> 00:15:17,084
MORE WOMEN:
And we're the Real Concubines...
373
00:15:17,084 --> 00:15:18,418
EVEN MORE:
And we're the Real Concubines...
374
00:15:18,418 --> 00:15:22,464
And we're the Real Concubines
of Kublai Khan!
375
00:15:22,464 --> 00:15:23,382
♪
376
00:15:23,382 --> 00:15:27,344
Welcome to The Real Concubines
of Kublai Khan Reunion.
377
00:15:27,344 --> 00:15:29,680
I'm your host, Andy Khan.
378
00:15:29,680 --> 00:15:31,181
We have a great show tonight.
379
00:15:31,181 --> 00:15:33,183
Kublai Khan has so many wives,
380
00:15:33,183 --> 00:15:35,185
and we have so little time,
381
00:15:35,185 --> 00:15:37,896
so I wanna jump right into it.
382
00:15:37,896 --> 00:15:39,731
- Chabi!
- Hey, Andy.
383
00:15:39,731 --> 00:15:41,984
Recently, you and Ehri
have had a little drama.
384
00:15:41,984 --> 00:15:43,777
There's no drama, Andy.
385
00:15:43,777 --> 00:15:46,738
My son is 100% heir to the throne.
386
00:15:46,738 --> 00:15:47,906
The Oracle confirmed it.
387
00:15:47,906 --> 00:15:49,324
Nope.
CHABI: And Ehri
388
00:15:49,324 --> 00:15:51,034
is just freaked out
because she's insecure
389
00:15:51,034 --> 00:15:53,287
about her relationship with our husband.
390
00:15:53,287 --> 00:15:55,080
[laughs] Well, you know what they say.
391
00:15:55,080 --> 00:15:57,457
"Oracles are for whore-acles."
392
00:15:57,457 --> 00:15:58,500
[gasps, laughs]
CHABI: You know,
393
00:15:58,500 --> 00:16:01,378
Kublai calls you
his number two for a reason.
394
00:16:01,378 --> 00:16:02,838
You stink like a pile of dung!
395
00:16:02,838 --> 00:16:04,715
You don't know what Koob says
396
00:16:04,715 --> 00:16:07,426
or does to me the two minutes
a week we're together.
397
00:16:07,426 --> 00:16:09,386
Two minutes? Only two minutes?
I get four.
398
00:16:09,386 --> 00:16:11,930
Now, this is not
the first time Chabi and Ehri
399
00:16:11,930 --> 00:16:14,349
have gone at each other.
Everyone agrees
400
00:16:14,349 --> 00:16:17,853
the craziest moment of the season
401
00:16:17,853 --> 00:16:21,815
was the Festival of the Blood Moon
Charity Gala. Let's take a look.
402
00:16:22,316 --> 00:16:25,194
How dare you bring your son here.
403
00:16:25,194 --> 00:16:28,447
This is my son Travis's
first Blood Moon Festival.
404
00:16:28,447 --> 00:16:31,158
You know what? It just so happens
that this is also my son,
405
00:16:31,158 --> 00:16:33,827
who's also named Travis's
first Blood Moon Festival,
406
00:16:33,827 --> 00:16:35,621
so you need to back off.
407
00:16:35,621 --> 00:16:37,706
And you get that stinking finger
outta my face.
408
00:16:37,706 --> 00:16:39,791
I swear to God,
I don't know where it's been.
409
00:16:39,791 --> 00:16:42,461
It's stinking 'cause it's been up
our husband's ass [bleep],
410
00:16:42,461 --> 00:16:45,005
and maybe if yours had been,
your son would be the actual heir.
411
00:16:45,005 --> 00:16:48,884
- [ladies gasping, yelling]
- Sup, ladies! Daddy's home.
412
00:16:48,884 --> 00:16:50,802
[indistinct arguing]
413
00:16:50,802 --> 00:16:52,012
Oh shit...
414
00:16:54,181 --> 00:16:57,518
[arguing, bleeping continues]
415
00:16:57,518 --> 00:16:59,978
EHRI: I am the mother
of the spawn of Khan, bitch!
416
00:16:59,978 --> 00:17:02,523
- You look like a fool. You look like a fool
- You look like a fool!
417
00:17:02,523 --> 00:17:04,358
- [bleating]
- Shut the [beep] up!
418
00:17:04,358 --> 00:17:05,442
Flopsy, Flopsy, stop.
[bleating]
419
00:17:05,442 --> 00:17:06,443
Bitch, I coulda taken you!
420
00:17:06,443 --> 00:17:08,278
[shouting, bleeping]
421
00:17:08,278 --> 00:17:09,530
I'm sorry you're a virgin!
422
00:17:09,530 --> 00:17:12,074
I'm a virgin? I have a son!
ANDY: Ladies, ladies, sit down.
423
00:17:12,074 --> 00:17:14,576
Everyone stop, everyone stop. Ladies!
424
00:17:14,576 --> 00:17:16,620
That clip did give us
425
00:17:16,620 --> 00:17:19,373
one of the biggest memes of the season.
426
00:17:19,373 --> 00:17:23,001
It's been rewoven over 10 times!
427
00:17:23,544 --> 00:17:25,337
"I want to talk to the manager."
428
00:17:25,337 --> 00:17:28,632
"I am the manager." Amazing.
429
00:17:28,924 --> 00:17:31,051
Nambui, what about you?
430
00:17:31,051 --> 00:17:33,595
Are you Team Chabi or Team Ehri?
431
00:17:33,595 --> 00:17:36,557
You know, I have to say, t
I liked it better when we were all a team.
432
00:17:36,557 --> 00:17:39,268
You know, all of us concs have a bond.
433
00:17:39,268 --> 00:17:41,603
Or as I call it, a concu-bond.
434
00:17:42,688 --> 00:17:44,106
[voice breaking]:
You know what?
435
00:17:44,106 --> 00:17:46,358
[gasps] You are so right.
436
00:17:46,358 --> 00:17:48,610
[gasps] And I had so lost sight of that.
437
00:17:48,610 --> 00:17:50,946
Me, too! Like...
438
00:17:50,946 --> 00:17:52,739
You guys are my sister-in-laws.
439
00:17:52,739 --> 00:17:54,366
Like, you're actually...
440
00:17:54,783 --> 00:17:56,326
You're my sister wives.
441
00:17:56,326 --> 00:17:57,327
NAMBUI:
Yes! [gasps]
442
00:17:57,327 --> 00:18:00,539
Crystal, I gotta say,
I've never seen you cry before.
443
00:18:00,539 --> 00:18:02,332
Oh, I'm not crying about them.
444
00:18:02,332 --> 00:18:05,711
I'm crying because the Italian marble
for my Malibu reno,
445
00:18:05,711 --> 00:18:07,462
it's on back order.
446
00:18:07,462 --> 00:18:09,631
- [all gasp]
- Aww.
447
00:18:09,631 --> 00:18:13,302
Well, this one ended
on a really sweet note.
448
00:18:13,302 --> 00:18:14,803
Uh, before we wrap things up,
449
00:18:14,803 --> 00:18:18,307
does anyone have a small business
they wanna promote?
450
00:18:18,307 --> 00:18:20,559
Okay, all of you.
451
00:18:20,559 --> 00:18:22,603
- Uh, Chabi?
- Thank you, Andy.
452
00:18:22,603 --> 00:18:26,273
I'm so excited to announce
that my new hat line,
453
00:18:26,273 --> 00:18:29,401
"Shy By Chabi," is dropping soon.
454
00:18:29,401 --> 00:18:32,988
It's perfect for the nomadic,
but sassy, lifestyle.
455
00:18:32,988 --> 00:18:34,448
That's great. When are they coming out?
456
00:18:34,448 --> 00:18:36,491
September...
[beads rattling]
457
00:18:36,491 --> 00:18:39,077
Sum... Er... Spring. Spring.
458
00:18:39,077 --> 00:18:40,454
How about you, Ehri?
459
00:18:40,454 --> 00:18:43,540
I'm so thrilled to announce
the drop of my new alcohol brand,
460
00:18:43,540 --> 00:18:45,918
Skinny Khan Margaritas.
461
00:18:45,918 --> 00:18:48,086
[rattling]
Zero sugar, zero drama.
462
00:18:48,086 --> 00:18:50,547
Bitch, you better tell your hat
to shut the [beep] up!
463
00:18:51,089 --> 00:18:53,884
WOMEN: And we're
the Real Concubines of Kublai Khan!
464
00:18:56,011 --> 00:18:57,888
MARY:
Step [cough] three!
465
00:18:57,888 --> 00:18:59,848
I'm going to take my cabbage.
466
00:18:59,848 --> 00:19:01,099
And I never use a knife.
467
00:19:01,099 --> 00:19:03,852
I always use my fingers to tear it up.
468
00:19:03,852 --> 00:19:06,980
If you get any little bits of cabbage
under your fingernails,
469
00:19:06,980 --> 00:19:09,107
oh, don't you worry.
You just pick it out
470
00:19:09,107 --> 00:19:10,734
and throw 'em in the pot.
471
00:19:10,734 --> 00:19:13,278
It all ends up in the same
place anyway. The toilet.
472
00:19:13,278 --> 00:19:15,864
[coughing]
473
00:19:23,288 --> 00:19:26,291
♪ Ooh, ooh, Shirley ♪
474
00:19:26,291 --> 00:19:27,751
[studio audience applauding]
475
00:19:27,751 --> 00:19:29,711
SHIRLEY:
I didn't plan any of this,
476
00:19:29,711 --> 00:19:32,256
but when I saw you two were here tonight,
477
00:19:32,256 --> 00:19:34,633
I had to try to get both
of your endorsements.
478
00:19:34,633 --> 00:19:37,845
Baby girl, we love and support you.
479
00:19:37,845 --> 00:19:39,596
We just can't endorse you.
[audience laughter]
480
00:19:39,596 --> 00:19:41,640
JACKSON:
This is also true for us.
481
00:19:41,640 --> 00:19:43,267
We think you're great,
482
00:19:43,267 --> 00:19:45,644
it's just too much fuss.
[laughter]
483
00:19:45,644 --> 00:19:47,437
It's 1972.
484
00:19:47,437 --> 00:19:49,606
Don't you wanna see
a Black woman as president?
485
00:19:49,606 --> 00:19:50,941
We definitely want a woman.
486
00:19:51,817 --> 00:19:54,820
Just one that can win,
like George McGovern.
487
00:19:54,820 --> 00:19:56,864
[audience laughter]
488
00:19:56,864 --> 00:20:00,242
And we definitely want
a Black person, can't you see?
489
00:20:00,242 --> 00:20:03,203
But just, maybe a Black man.
490
00:20:03,203 --> 00:20:05,247
Someone... like me.
491
00:20:05,247 --> 00:20:07,833
[audience laughter]
492
00:20:07,833 --> 00:20:09,585
Love you, fro, but we gotta go.
493
00:20:09,585 --> 00:20:11,461
GLORIA:
Okay, bye!
494
00:20:11,461 --> 00:20:13,922
[audience awwing]
495
00:20:15,090 --> 00:20:18,594
Shirley St. Anita Hill Chisholm.
496
00:20:18,594 --> 00:20:21,013
Looks like I figured out
497
00:20:21,013 --> 00:20:23,765
the mystery of the lying wife.
498
00:20:23,765 --> 00:20:25,517
[audience laughter]
499
00:20:25,517 --> 00:20:28,520
Conrad! In a robe? In a hotel?
500
00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:31,106
With my best friend? How could you?
501
00:20:31,106 --> 00:20:34,568
Oh, stop it. He knows.
[audience laughter]
502
00:20:34,568 --> 00:20:36,737
[sighs] I-I'm sorry, Conrad.
503
00:20:36,737 --> 00:20:39,198
I got all caught up in the campaign,
504
00:20:39,198 --> 00:20:40,657
and then, they started burning the bras,
505
00:20:40,657 --> 00:20:42,701
and it set off the fire alarm.
506
00:20:42,701 --> 00:20:44,703
Oh, I-I pulled the fire alarm.
507
00:20:46,079 --> 00:20:48,749
Conrad was about to come out
the bathtub naked. I panicked!
508
00:20:48,749 --> 00:20:50,083
[audience laughter]
509
00:20:50,083 --> 00:20:51,668
That's only because I bring the heat.
510
00:20:52,628 --> 00:20:56,632
This weekend was supposed to be
all about our anniversary,
511
00:20:56,632 --> 00:21:00,594
and instead, I made it
all about me and my job.
512
00:21:00,594 --> 00:21:03,347
- [studio audience awwing]
- It's okay, honey.
513
00:21:03,347 --> 00:21:04,765
You know what they say.
514
00:21:04,765 --> 00:21:08,227
"Politics makes for strange bedfellows."
515
00:21:08,227 --> 00:21:11,104
Speaking of, why don't we go upstairs
516
00:21:11,104 --> 00:21:15,067
- and turn up your heat?
- Ooh, there we go.
517
00:21:15,067 --> 00:21:18,946
And this is turning my stomach.
Where's that damn window?
518
00:21:18,946 --> 00:21:21,156
[audience laughter]
519
00:21:21,156 --> 00:21:24,701
I love you, Conrad Chisholm.
[studio audience awwing]
520
00:21:24,701 --> 00:21:26,620
Excuse me? Sorry.
521
00:21:26,620 --> 00:21:29,414
I'm looking for
the Democratic National Committee?
522
00:21:29,414 --> 00:21:31,124
CONRAD:
Well, you're at the Watergate Hotel.
523
00:21:31,124 --> 00:21:33,085
You want the Watergate Office Building.
524
00:21:33,085 --> 00:21:35,295
It's down the hall, out the exit,
and across the alley.
525
00:21:36,380 --> 00:21:38,882
Thanks. Walk this way, boys.
526
00:21:38,882 --> 00:21:41,885
[audience laughter]
527
00:21:41,885 --> 00:21:43,720
Did they look suspicious?
528
00:21:43,720 --> 00:21:47,349
No, I'm a private investigator.
There's nothing suspicious about that.
529
00:21:47,349 --> 00:21:49,977
♪ Ooh, ooh, Shirley ♪
530
00:21:49,977 --> 00:21:51,937
[applause, laughter]
531
00:21:53,856 --> 00:21:55,524
MEL:
And now for the conclusion
532
00:21:55,524 --> 00:21:57,776
of "The Last Supper Sessions."
533
00:21:57,776 --> 00:21:59,695
[crowd chatter]
534
00:21:59,695 --> 00:22:01,530
[speaker crackling]
535
00:22:01,530 --> 00:22:03,240
MARK:
Let's see what we got here.
536
00:22:04,283 --> 00:22:05,742
So, we're on the roof then?
537
00:22:05,742 --> 00:22:08,036
[street chatter]
538
00:22:08,036 --> 00:22:10,247
[guitar strumming]
539
00:22:10,247 --> 00:22:12,666
WOMAN: Hi, Mary!
[electric piano playing]
540
00:22:12,666 --> 00:22:14,793
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪
541
00:22:14,793 --> 00:22:17,838
You know, the acoustics up here
are actually very lovely.
542
00:22:17,838 --> 00:22:20,883
- La, la, la, la, la.
- No, look, mate, it's "looovley."
543
00:22:20,883 --> 00:22:22,342
"Looooovley."
544
00:22:22,342 --> 00:22:24,928
Let me try that. Ooh, ooh...
Fuck yourself.
545
00:22:24,928 --> 00:22:26,430
Oh...
546
00:22:26,430 --> 00:22:28,056
JESUS:
Alright, lads, are we ready?
547
00:22:28,056 --> 00:22:29,016
Let's do this, baby!
548
00:22:29,016 --> 00:22:30,434
- [drumsticks clack]
- One, two, three, go!
549
00:22:30,434 --> 00:22:31,810
[electricity sparks]
550
00:22:31,810 --> 00:22:33,687
Oh!
MARK: Oh no! Peter, what the shit?
551
00:22:33,687 --> 00:22:36,273
- Don't touch him!
- Oh! It's not the wiring!
552
00:22:36,273 --> 00:22:37,858
Help him out, lad, he got zapped.
553
00:22:37,858 --> 00:22:39,985
- Help him, Jesus, help him.
- And rise.
554
00:22:39,985 --> 00:22:41,987
[gasps] Let's do this, babies!
555
00:22:41,987 --> 00:22:42,696
Praise Jesus!
556
00:22:42,696 --> 00:22:45,574
MARK: Jesus has brought
Lazarus back from the dead!
557
00:22:45,574 --> 00:22:47,367
Lyric boy, where are you?
558
00:22:47,367 --> 00:22:49,620
LYRIC BOY: Coming, coming.
MARK: We need the lyrics to sing the song.
559
00:22:49,620 --> 00:22:52,247
- LYRIC BOY: Here you go.
- Lyric Boy, come on. Okay, ready, boys?
560
00:22:52,247 --> 00:22:53,790
[drumsticks clacking]
One, two, three!
561
00:22:53,790 --> 00:22:56,502
♪ Get Back -style song plays ♪
562
00:22:56,502 --> 00:23:00,714
♪ Lovely Lucy was a pharaoh's daughter ♪
563
00:23:00,714 --> 00:23:03,759
♪ Pushing camels through a needle's eye ♪
564
00:23:03,759 --> 00:23:04,760
[confused chatter]
565
00:23:04,760 --> 00:23:08,972
♪ Her chance of Heaven was slim,
so she cashed it all in ♪
566
00:23:08,972 --> 00:23:10,641
♪ Now, she got taste for humble pie ♪
567
00:23:10,641 --> 00:23:12,935
I love you, Jesus!
568
00:23:12,935 --> 00:23:16,772
♪ She said give back, give back ♪
569
00:23:16,772 --> 00:23:18,148
♪ Girl, you can't take it with you ♪
570
00:23:18,148 --> 00:23:19,983
♪ Might as well give it back ♪
571
00:23:20,651 --> 00:23:21,902
♪ Give back ♪
572
00:23:21,902 --> 00:23:24,780
SOLDIER: Make way, make way.
Let's go. Clear it out. Heads up.
573
00:23:24,780 --> 00:23:26,198
♪ If you wanna get to Heaven ♪
574
00:23:26,198 --> 00:23:27,783
♪ Better give back ♪
575
00:23:27,783 --> 00:23:30,911
♪ decrescendo, crescendo ♪
576
00:23:30,911 --> 00:23:33,789
[crowd cheering]
577
00:23:33,789 --> 00:23:35,624
It's Jesus and his apostles.
578
00:23:35,624 --> 00:23:38,293
They're ruining the bloody bazaar!
579
00:23:38,293 --> 00:23:42,256
How am I supposed to sell
me dried donkey cock?
580
00:23:42,256 --> 00:23:45,342
♪ Give back, give back,
give something back ♪
581
00:23:45,342 --> 00:23:48,804
- [excited chatter]
- Come on, boys. Let's go deal with it.
582
00:23:48,804 --> 00:23:51,306
♪ She said give back ♪
583
00:23:51,306 --> 00:23:53,141
♪ Give back ♪
584
00:23:53,141 --> 00:23:54,810
♪ Can't just be a taker ♪
585
00:23:54,810 --> 00:23:57,187
♪ Gotta give something back now ♪
586
00:23:57,187 --> 00:23:59,565
♪ Give back, come on, give back ♪
587
00:23:59,565 --> 00:24:00,607
♪
588
00:24:00,607 --> 00:24:04,236
♪ If you wanna get to Heaven,
gotta give back... ♪
589
00:24:04,236 --> 00:24:07,155
SOLDIER:
Alright, let's go. We're done here.
That's about enough of this.
590
00:24:07,155 --> 00:24:09,908
And so, the song has come
to its natural conclusion.
591
00:24:09,908 --> 00:24:11,785
MARK: Whoa, whoa.
LUKE: Hey, hey, what the--
592
00:24:11,785 --> 00:24:13,120
Jesus!
593
00:24:13,120 --> 00:24:15,247
MARK: Whoa, whoa! What's all this?
Hey, what is going on?
594
00:24:15,247 --> 00:24:17,833
Huh. Judas never showed up. Weird.
595
00:24:17,833 --> 00:24:20,419
[crowd booing]
596
00:24:20,419 --> 00:24:21,837
Pleasure doing business with you.
597
00:24:21,837 --> 00:24:24,882
[coins jingle]
Feel like a bit of a traitor to be honest.
598
00:24:24,882 --> 00:24:27,176
You know who's a traitor
is fuckin' Tom Brady.
599
00:24:27,176 --> 00:24:29,636
And Johnny Damon. And Babe Ruth.
600
00:24:29,636 --> 00:24:32,264
All fuckin' traitors, all fake.
601
00:24:32,264 --> 00:24:34,016
Like this fuckin' set. Look at this!
602
00:24:34,016 --> 00:24:36,476
Supposed to be a street.
It's a fuckin' carpet!
603
00:24:36,476 --> 00:24:38,312
[no accent]: Man, I really,
I don't know how you got on set,
604
00:24:38,312 --> 00:24:40,230
but I'm just trying to...
We're just trying to do our job.
605
00:24:40,230 --> 00:24:41,523
Oh, I'm sorry. Am I ruining
606
00:24:41,523 --> 00:24:43,358
your little student film here?
Is that what's happening?
607
00:24:43,358 --> 00:24:45,527
No, this is
History of the World, Part II for Hulu.
608
00:24:45,527 --> 00:24:47,446
- Mel Brooks? You ever heard of him?
- Yeah, I heard of--
609
00:24:47,446 --> 00:24:49,615
There's no way that
Mel Brooks is a part of this.
610
00:24:49,615 --> 00:24:50,824
Where's crafty?
611
00:24:50,824 --> 00:24:53,243
I need a fucking warmer for my Dunkin'.
[beep]
612
00:24:53,243 --> 00:24:56,246
♪ Get Back-style riff ♪
44637
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