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1
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It's June 6th, 1944.
2
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D-Day.
3
00:00:06,923 --> 00:00:11,052
{\an8}The Allied forces storm
the beaches of Normandy.
4
00:00:13,596 --> 00:00:17,267
Boys, we're gonna be storming
Omaha Beach in a couple minutes.
5
00:00:17,267 --> 00:00:20,228
Be steady. It's time to find out
what you're all made of.
6
00:00:20,228 --> 00:00:22,689
Oh god.
7
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Just barfed in
the corner over here, sir!
8
00:00:24,983 --> 00:00:28,737
Well, just try and keep
it out the boat, okay?
9
00:00:30,196 --> 00:00:32,365
Private Tully, get a grip on your nerves!
10
00:00:32,365 --> 00:00:34,409
It's not nerves, sir.
11
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I get seasick.
12
00:00:35,660 --> 00:00:37,078
Well, just keep your eyes on the horizon.
13
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That goes for everyone.
14
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Don't tell me you're seasick too, Johnson.
15
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No, sir!
16
00:00:43,960 --> 00:00:45,962
I think I just went
a little too hard on the pâté
17
00:00:45,962 --> 00:00:47,088
at dinner last night, sir.
18
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What?
19
00:00:48,256 --> 00:00:50,467
They didn't serve pâté in the mess.
20
00:00:50,467 --> 00:00:51,843
Did you go AWOL last night?
21
00:00:51,843 --> 00:00:53,553
Yeah.
22
00:00:53,553 --> 00:00:54,596
Did any of you join him?
23
00:00:57,724 --> 00:00:59,851
I did, sir!
24
00:00:59,851 --> 00:01:01,519
I had a lot of oysters,
25
00:01:01,519 --> 00:01:04,439
and now that I think about it,
they were pretty warm.
26
00:01:04,439 --> 00:01:06,524
Y'all defied orders
and went to a restaurant?
27
00:01:06,524 --> 00:01:08,068
Sir, we're in Europe,
28
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and we just thought if it
was gonna be our last meal,
29
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that it should be someplace special.
30
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We found this adorable little pub.
31
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Oh god!
32
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Private Martinez, you go
to this little dinner, too?
33
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No, sir, I wasn't invited, sir!
And to be honest,
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it's kinda hurtful to
find out in this manner.
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- Sorry, man.
- Then, why the hell are you yakking then?
36
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I have a hair trigger gag reflex, sir.
37
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If I see somebody puke,
I'm puking right away.
38
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Private Bryant, report!
39
00:01:34,719 --> 00:01:36,721
- Share!
- I'm fine!
40
00:01:36,721 --> 00:01:39,516
- That's a direct order!
- I don't wanna talk about it!
41
00:01:39,516 --> 00:01:41,393
He's not fine, sir.
42
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He's been this way since basic.
43
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Always after meals, if you catch my drift.
44
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So, what do I do here?
45
00:01:48,149 --> 00:01:50,402
I-I don't know. Tell him
he looks good in any size?
46
00:01:50,402 --> 00:01:52,570
Or maybe don't talk
about his body at all, sir.
47
00:01:53,905 --> 00:01:56,449
Private Cooper, what is
your major malfunction!?
48
00:01:56,449 --> 00:01:59,411
Sorry, sir. I'm just a straight-up coward.
49
00:02:00,912 --> 00:02:02,330
I'm afraid of sharks.
50
00:02:02,330 --> 00:02:04,290
Hair trigger, sir.
51
00:02:04,290 --> 00:02:06,001
Enough!
52
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No more vomit!
53
00:02:08,169 --> 00:02:11,297
Now, we are about to embark on
the biggest military campaign
54
00:02:11,297 --> 00:02:13,591
in the history of the world, part two!
55
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And I need you to just...
56
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Captain, are you okay?
57
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No.
58
00:02:21,391 --> 00:02:23,643
- I just shit my dang pants.
- Oh, no.
59
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Save it for the Nazis!
60
00:02:41,286 --> 00:02:44,289
History of the World, Part II!
61
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The Story of Jesus.
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Mm. (smack) Mm.
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Mm. Delicious.
64
00:03:18,865 --> 00:03:21,284
Luke, there it is!
65
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- Judas, what's goin' down?
- How you doin', man?
66
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Man, I had to get me
something in my belly, man.
67
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You know that last supper wasn't shit.
68
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Didn't hit anything for me.
69
00:03:28,917 --> 00:03:30,543
Yeah. More like a Last Snack, right?
70
00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:33,797
Nothin' worse than
going somewhere for a meal,
71
00:03:33,797 --> 00:03:35,632
and you gotta come
the fuck home and eat again.
72
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It's like, what's the point?
I could've just stayed home.
73
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- What's the fuckin' point?
- I know.
74
00:03:39,010 --> 00:03:41,012
Jesus invites us over
for dinner, and then what?
75
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It's like a bunch of small medi plates?
76
00:03:42,597 --> 00:03:44,599
One lamb meatball as an entrée?
77
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If you're gonna gimme one meatball,
it better be a big-ass meatball.
78
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If it's not bigger than my head,
79
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I don't want it.
80
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Look, I don't wanna complain.
81
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Can't hate on Jesus.
82
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I can't hate on Jesus.
83
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I love being a disciple.
84
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But, you go to one of these dinners,
85
00:03:56,486 --> 00:03:58,154
there's 11 other guys there
86
00:03:58,154 --> 00:04:00,615
who got plans that
they want you to attend.
87
00:04:00,615 --> 00:04:02,659
- Did Peter corner you?
- Of course he did.
88
00:04:02,659 --> 00:04:04,119
"You coming to my one-man show?"
89
00:04:04,119 --> 00:04:05,662
One-man fuckin' show, that's the worst!
90
00:04:05,662 --> 00:04:07,205
With a one-man show,
you don't get the chance
91
00:04:07,205 --> 00:04:08,707
to see other people,
other actors, and shit.
92
00:04:08,707 --> 00:04:10,500
You sitting there like,
"this motherfucka again?"
93
00:04:10,500 --> 00:04:12,043
- I know. I know.
-"But this motherfucka again!
94
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Ain't never leave!"
95
00:04:12,961 --> 00:04:14,045
So, he's always gonna be
"this motherfucka again!"
96
00:04:14,045 --> 00:04:17,007
I know. I feel gross after that.
Do you know why?
97
00:04:17,007 --> 00:04:18,967
- Why?
- All that feet washing.
98
00:04:18,967 --> 00:04:21,219
Why is everybody washing
feet all the time?
99
00:04:21,219 --> 00:04:23,430
Why is Jesus obsessed with washing feet?
100
00:04:23,430 --> 00:04:24,639
- I don't like it.
- It's unsanitary!
101
00:04:24,639 --> 00:04:25,849
It's unsanitary.
102
00:04:25,849 --> 00:04:27,767
- Thank you. Thank you!
- That's what it is.
103
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I just don't like feet.
104
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I don't wanna wash 'em.
105
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I don't wanna look at 'em.
106
00:04:31,938 --> 00:04:33,314
I... don't like feet.
107
00:04:33,314 --> 00:04:34,816
- Oh, man.
- You like feet?
108
00:04:34,816 --> 00:04:36,693
- I made a love to a fuckin' foot.
- Really?
109
00:04:36,693 --> 00:04:38,236
Oh, man. Well, two feet.
110
00:04:38,236 --> 00:04:40,196
- See, you're sitting in a yoga pose...
- Yeah. Mm-hmm.
111
00:04:40,196 --> 00:04:41,865
...you put both feet together,
112
00:04:41,865 --> 00:04:43,825
- so that you create this.
- Oh, okay.
113
00:04:43,825 --> 00:04:44,743
Put a little lubricant
114
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- in that motherfucka,
- Right.
115
00:04:45,660 --> 00:04:47,454
and break them feet off. Break 'em off.
116
00:04:47,454 --> 00:04:49,247
Get the party started.
You break your way up.
117
00:04:50,665 --> 00:04:52,792
What is this? Who knocks at this hour?
118
00:04:52,792 --> 00:04:56,046
That's why we put blood on the door frame!
119
00:04:56,046 --> 00:04:58,506
So, you could pass over us!
120
00:04:58,506 --> 00:04:59,924
See? Pass over!
121
00:05:01,843 --> 00:05:03,636
- Huh?
- Uh oh. It's the Ro-Ro.
122
00:05:03,636 --> 00:05:05,055
Roman soldiers?
123
00:05:05,055 --> 00:05:07,140
what are they doing here at this hour?
124
00:05:09,893 --> 00:05:10,810
Judas Iscariot?
125
00:05:11,519 --> 00:05:14,022
- Nope, don't think he's, uh...
- Right here.
126
00:05:14,022 --> 00:05:15,357
The fuck are you doing, man?
127
00:05:15,357 --> 00:05:16,900
Not gonna stay here and get profiled.
128
00:05:16,900 --> 00:05:18,526
I'm gonna
cut straight to the chase.
129
00:05:18,526 --> 00:05:20,153
We've gotta arrest this Jesus character.
130
00:05:20,153 --> 00:05:21,529
He is a danger to the community.
131
00:05:21,905 --> 00:05:24,657
Whoa, whoa, h-hold the fuck up,
Mr. Rooster Helmet.
132
00:05:24,657 --> 00:05:26,326
Cock-a-doodle-doo.
I don't know what the fuck
133
00:05:26,326 --> 00:05:29,371
you talking about right now, but Jesus is
all about the peace.
134
00:05:29,371 --> 00:05:31,623
Peace and love.
He's all about peace and love.
135
00:05:31,623 --> 00:05:33,958
Judas, we know you
were at the Last Supper.
136
00:05:33,958 --> 00:05:36,252
Everyone knows you're the
most weaselly apostle.
137
00:05:36,252 --> 00:05:37,712
That feels antisemitic.
138
00:05:37,712 --> 00:05:39,923
What we don't know
is what this Jesus looks like.
139
00:05:39,923 --> 00:05:41,675
Now, you identify him for us,
140
00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:44,177
and you will be richly compensated.
141
00:05:44,177 --> 00:05:45,595
Richly compensated?
142
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Uh-huh.
143
00:05:49,599 --> 00:05:51,101
Hm...
144
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Eh? Mm-hmm?
145
00:05:55,647 --> 00:05:56,690
Hm.
146
00:05:58,316 --> 00:05:59,359
Eh?
147
00:06:00,402 --> 00:06:01,903
Okay, well...
148
00:06:01,903 --> 00:06:03,905
if I were to do it,
and I'm not saying I would--
149
00:06:03,905 --> 00:06:06,157
- Hypothetically speaking, of course.
- Hypothetically speaking,
150
00:06:06,282 --> 00:06:07,742
if I were to do it...
151
00:06:08,785 --> 00:06:10,370
I mean, what would be in it for me?
152
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30 pieces of silver.
153
00:06:12,288 --> 00:06:14,332
30 pieces of silver?
154
00:06:14,332 --> 00:06:15,750
Mm...
155
00:06:17,002 --> 00:06:19,546
I mean, I'm not gonna...
I'm not gonna do it.
156
00:06:19,671 --> 00:06:21,297
Jesus is a good friend.
He's a good friend of ours.
157
00:06:21,297 --> 00:06:23,341
- Right.
- But, if I were to do it,
158
00:06:23,341 --> 00:06:25,010
how would I even identify him?
159
00:06:25,010 --> 00:06:26,553
You're the weasel. You tell me.
160
00:06:26,553 --> 00:06:28,930
Hey. Maybe slap him on the ass.
161
00:06:28,930 --> 00:06:30,598
- Slap him on the ass?
- Yeah!
162
00:06:30,598 --> 00:06:32,642
Why don't I just give him
a big fat kiss while I'm at it?
163
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Oh! That could work!.
164
00:06:34,269 --> 00:06:36,563
- What?
- Yeah. You give him a kiss,
165
00:06:36,563 --> 00:06:37,981
we swoop in-- Gimme your hand.
166
00:06:37,981 --> 00:06:39,733
We swoop in and arrest him.
167
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Soldiers, march!
168
00:06:42,819 --> 00:06:45,321
on the left!
169
00:06:45,321 --> 00:06:46,656
on the right...
170
00:06:46,656 --> 00:06:48,283
Know what you can do
with 30 pieces of silver?
171
00:06:48,283 --> 00:06:49,284
What?
172
00:06:49,284 --> 00:06:51,161
Buy one big-ass meatball.
173
00:06:52,328 --> 00:06:53,997
We would've a nice dinner, wouldn't we?
174
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Fuckin' right.
175
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Shirley Chisholm.
176
00:07:05,675 --> 00:07:08,470
In 1968, Shirley Chisholm
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became the first Black woman
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elected to the United States Congress,
179
00:07:13,016 --> 00:07:14,351
serving Brooklyn,
180
00:07:14,726 --> 00:07:16,728
the home of me, and Jay-Z.
181
00:07:16,728 --> 00:07:18,980
Brooklyn represent, represent!
182
00:07:18,980 --> 00:07:20,690
I don't know what that means.
183
00:07:20,690 --> 00:07:23,360
Anyway, four years later,
she ran for president,
184
00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:27,072
and this is that story.
With a laugh track!
185
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♪ From Barbados to Brooklyn, ♪
186
00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:32,660
♪ then to DC ♪
187
00:07:32,660 --> 00:07:34,996
♪ She's the first Black congresswoman ♪
188
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{\an8}♪ She's Shirley,
It's been a long, hard road ♪
189
00:07:37,499 --> 00:07:39,167
{\an8}♪ But hope was never lost ♪
190
00:07:39,167 --> 00:07:43,088
{\an8}♪ 'Cause that girl Shirley's
unbought and unbossed ♪
191
00:07:43,088 --> 00:07:45,757
{\an8}♪ Ooo, ooo, "Shirley!" ♪
192
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Shirley is brought to you
193
00:07:48,677 --> 00:07:50,804
by the actual presidential candidate,
194
00:07:50,804 --> 00:07:51,971
{\an8}Shirley Chisholm,
195
00:07:51,971 --> 00:07:54,099
{\an8}and filmed in front of a live
196
00:07:54,099 --> 00:07:55,266
{\an8}Black audience.
197
00:08:01,106 --> 00:08:04,109
How's my favorite first
Black congresswoman?
198
00:08:04,109 --> 00:08:05,777
She's terrible.
199
00:08:05,777 --> 00:08:07,237
Nothing gets done in Congress,
200
00:08:07,237 --> 00:08:09,280
except for me getting screwed.
201
00:08:11,950 --> 00:08:13,868
And speaking of getting screwed,
202
00:08:13,868 --> 00:08:15,954
how's my favorite dick?
203
00:08:15,954 --> 00:08:18,665
Did you solve the case of
the missing circus elephant?
204
00:08:18,665 --> 00:08:20,375
Heh, sure did. Turns out,
205
00:08:20,375 --> 00:08:22,043
it was the evil Ringling Brother.
206
00:08:22,043 --> 00:08:23,086
Ding-A-Ling.
207
00:08:28,883 --> 00:08:30,635
I always thought of you as a clown.
208
00:08:30,635 --> 00:08:34,139
I guess now, my eyes have
caught up with my brain.
209
00:08:39,728 --> 00:08:41,396
Ha ha!
210
00:08:41,396 --> 00:08:43,023
Florynce Kennedy,
211
00:08:43,023 --> 00:08:45,692
why do you insist on
coming through my window?
212
00:08:45,692 --> 00:08:47,402
Because you won't gimme a key.
213
00:08:49,696 --> 00:08:51,156
So, what were y'all talking about?
214
00:08:51,156 --> 00:08:54,367
Oh, just how I'm fed up with
Congress is all.
215
00:08:54,367 --> 00:08:55,785
You know, I wanna work on the problems
216
00:08:55,785 --> 00:08:57,871
of my constituents in Brooklyn.
217
00:08:57,871 --> 00:09:00,790
You know, healthcare, education,
218
00:09:00,790 --> 00:09:02,751
tickets to Marvin Gaye.
219
00:09:02,751 --> 00:09:04,544
As your chief advisor,
220
00:09:04,544 --> 00:09:07,130
you got to take this to the tippity top!
221
00:09:08,340 --> 00:09:09,841
Harry Belafonte?
222
00:09:11,843 --> 00:09:14,637
No. To the president.
223
00:09:14,637 --> 00:09:17,098
You want me to call President Nixon?
224
00:09:17,098 --> 00:09:19,517
Well, there are a few
things I'd like to call him,
225
00:09:19,517 --> 00:09:21,353
but they wouldn't clear
standards and practices.
226
00:09:22,937 --> 00:09:25,023
You know what? Maybe I will.
227
00:09:30,779 --> 00:09:32,781
Hello, is this the White House?
228
00:09:32,781 --> 00:09:35,033
This is Congresswoman Shirley Chisholm,
229
00:09:35,033 --> 00:09:38,495
and I would like to speak
with President Nixon, please.
230
00:09:38,495 --> 00:09:40,663
Oh hello, Mr. President.
231
00:09:40,663 --> 00:09:44,125
I didn't realize that you
answered your own phone.
232
00:09:44,125 --> 00:09:46,711
How... very not paranoid of you, sir.
233
00:09:49,756 --> 00:09:51,966
Yes. Uh huh.
234
00:09:51,966 --> 00:09:53,635
Tonight?
235
00:09:53,635 --> 00:09:55,261
7:30?
236
00:09:55,261 --> 00:09:56,846
My place?
237
00:09:56,846 --> 00:09:58,598
Nothing too ethnic.
238
00:09:58,598 --> 00:10:01,226
Yes! I can do that.
239
00:10:01,226 --> 00:10:02,560
Thank you.
240
00:10:04,896 --> 00:10:06,564
Guess who's coming to dinner?
241
00:10:06,564 --> 00:10:09,150
Will you two stop playing around
242
00:10:09,150 --> 00:10:10,735
- and get ready?
- Oh! Okay! All right.
243
00:10:10,735 --> 00:10:12,779
Think it's stuck. Ooh, boy!
244
00:10:15,448 --> 00:10:18,868
Help! Help! Help!
245
00:10:20,495 --> 00:10:22,247
Shirley will be right back
246
00:10:22,247 --> 00:10:24,749
after these Black hair
product commercials.
247
00:10:27,627 --> 00:10:30,672
Previously on The Civil War.
248
00:10:31,965 --> 00:10:35,093
No more alcohol until the war is over.
249
00:10:36,302 --> 00:10:37,846
RT, come over here.
250
00:10:37,846 --> 00:10:39,681
There's my big, strong boy.
251
00:10:39,681 --> 00:10:42,308
You are ready to join me
on a top secret mission.
252
00:10:42,308 --> 00:10:44,769
I will follow you to
the gates of hell, sir.
253
00:10:44,769 --> 00:10:47,439
It's worse then that son.
We're going to West Virginia.
254
00:10:47,439 --> 00:10:49,024
No!
255
00:10:54,362 --> 00:10:55,989
West Virginia is so much
256
00:10:55,989 --> 00:10:56,906
{\an8}worse than I thought.
257
00:10:58,116 --> 00:10:59,993
Good call on losing the uniforms, sir.
258
00:10:59,993 --> 00:11:01,578
Yeah, I know. I'm a general.
259
00:11:01,578 --> 00:11:03,621
This isn't my first secret mission.
260
00:11:03,621 --> 00:11:05,957
What is the secret mission,
by the way?
261
00:11:05,957 --> 00:11:08,001
We'll go to that saloon over there
and have a quick drink.
262
00:11:08,418 --> 00:11:09,502
- Just try to blend in.
- Yes, sir.
263
00:11:09,502 --> 00:11:11,046
Howdy!
264
00:11:11,046 --> 00:11:13,548
- Howdy!
- H-- Say it with a Southern accent!
265
00:11:13,548 --> 00:11:15,216
Howdy!
Howdy!
266
00:11:15,216 --> 00:11:17,552
- Howdy-do?
- Not Irish!
267
00:11:17,677 --> 00:11:19,679
And don't futz with the settings,
268
00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:21,514
please, thank you. Yeah.
269
00:11:21,514 --> 00:11:23,391
Now listen, RT.
270
00:11:23,391 --> 00:11:24,976
We gotta keep a low profile, okay?
271
00:11:24,976 --> 00:11:26,853
These people don't like our kind.
272
00:11:26,853 --> 00:11:28,980
Sagittarius?
273
00:11:28,980 --> 00:11:30,398
- Yankees!
- Right.
274
00:11:30,398 --> 00:11:31,775
Of course you're a Sagittarius.
275
00:11:31,775 --> 00:11:33,526
With Mercury in retrograde,
it all makes sense.
276
00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:35,487
Just listen to me. Okay, be cool,
277
00:11:35,487 --> 00:11:37,572
and if anything's out of order,
just split up,
278
00:11:37,572 --> 00:11:38,573
- and I'll find you, okay?
- Yes, sir.
279
00:11:38,948 --> 00:11:40,241
(sigh) Shit.
280
00:11:51,169 --> 00:11:52,962
Oh! Jesus!
281
00:11:52,962 --> 00:11:55,006
What was that?
282
00:11:55,006 --> 00:11:56,841
- You said split up.
- Not literally!
283
00:12:00,804 --> 00:12:03,515
- Howdy!
- Howdy.
284
00:12:03,515 --> 00:12:04,891
Howdy to you.
285
00:12:04,891 --> 00:12:06,518
Howdy, just here for a drink.
286
00:12:07,686 --> 00:12:09,813
Howdy.
287
00:12:11,815 --> 00:12:13,358
Hello, sir. I'd like one whiskey.
288
00:12:13,358 --> 00:12:15,151
Sir? Please? Hello!
289
00:12:15,151 --> 00:12:17,112
Okay, he looked me right in the eye.
290
00:12:17,112 --> 00:12:19,322
Okay, sir. General.
291
00:12:19,322 --> 00:12:20,824
I have a strategy.
292
00:12:20,824 --> 00:12:22,575
- I think if we wanna properly blend in...
- Yes.
293
00:12:22,575 --> 00:12:24,577
...that we should be able
to adopt new characters.
294
00:12:24,577 --> 00:12:25,954
- Okay. Yeah.
- Okay? So,
295
00:12:25,954 --> 00:12:28,998
I think I should be Byron De La Étouffée,
296
00:12:28,998 --> 00:12:30,834
- prosperous tobacco magnate.
- Okay.
297
00:12:30,834 --> 00:12:32,919
You can be Mint Julep De La Étouffée,
298
00:12:32,919 --> 00:12:34,170
my son.
299
00:12:34,170 --> 00:12:35,797
Why would I be your son?
300
00:12:35,797 --> 00:12:37,549
In what universe does that make sense?
301
00:12:37,549 --> 00:12:39,384
I'm 20 years older than you.
302
00:12:40,051 --> 00:12:41,344
- Just an idea.
- It's a bad idea.
303
00:12:41,344 --> 00:12:42,887
- Okay.
- Okay, j-j-j-just sit here
304
00:12:42,887 --> 00:12:44,472
- and watch my back.
- Yes, sir.
305
00:12:44,472 --> 00:12:45,849
Come to papa.
306
00:12:45,849 --> 00:12:47,517
That's what I've been
waiting for. What, uh--
307
00:12:47,517 --> 00:12:50,979
What? What!? What are you--
You are a psychopath, sir.
308
00:12:50,979 --> 00:12:54,024
That is so weird. That's weird!
309
00:12:54,024 --> 00:12:55,650
Oh, you think that's weird, huh?
310
00:12:58,820 --> 00:13:00,280
You think that's weird?
311
00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:02,574
Hoo, hoo, hoo! Yeah!
312
00:13:04,409 --> 00:13:06,411
Hoo... wee!
313
00:13:06,411 --> 00:13:07,996
Mm, mm, mmm.
314
00:13:09,247 --> 00:13:11,124
I think you're weird.
315
00:13:13,501 --> 00:13:15,295
Who are you boys?
316
00:13:15,295 --> 00:13:17,088
I am Byron De La Étouffée,
317
00:13:17,088 --> 00:13:19,090
- and this is my s--
- Friend!
318
00:13:19,090 --> 00:13:20,342
Uh, we stopped in here
319
00:13:20,342 --> 00:13:21,926
to wet our whistles and talk about
320
00:13:21,926 --> 00:13:24,262
- how much we love... cotton.
- Yes.
321
00:13:24,262 --> 00:13:25,889
We love it.
322
00:13:25,889 --> 00:13:29,434
The touch, the feel, it is
truly the fabric of our lives.
323
00:13:31,478 --> 00:13:33,813
Where are you boys from?
324
00:13:33,813 --> 00:13:36,983
Little town by yonder way called...
325
00:13:37,776 --> 00:13:39,277
Slaveburg.
326
00:13:40,362 --> 00:13:41,780
Slaveburg?
327
00:13:41,780 --> 00:13:43,573
I ain't never heard of no Slaveburg.
328
00:13:45,450 --> 00:13:46,868
It's in Mississippi.
329
00:13:47,202 --> 00:13:49,454
- Oh! Okay, yeah.
- Oh! Yeah, yeah, yeah.,
330
00:13:49,454 --> 00:13:51,664
- We been there, we been there.
- That checks out. That checks out.
331
00:13:51,664 --> 00:13:53,333
Well, you two rebels,
332
00:13:53,333 --> 00:13:55,585
you must be very familiar with
the game we play around here.
333
00:13:55,585 --> 00:13:58,922
A game that, uh, well...
334
00:13:58,922 --> 00:14:01,091
It always ends up with somebody getting
335
00:14:01,091 --> 00:14:03,093
carried out those doors.
336
00:14:04,344 --> 00:14:06,596
Never Have I Ever.
337
00:14:12,435 --> 00:14:14,229
Oh hello, daddy.
338
00:14:14,229 --> 00:14:15,313
- Hey!
- Ow!
339
00:14:15,313 --> 00:14:16,564
First rule!
340
00:14:16,564 --> 00:14:18,858
No drinking till we start.
341
00:14:20,402 --> 00:14:22,987
Okay.
342
00:14:22,987 --> 00:14:24,447
Second rule!
343
00:14:24,447 --> 00:14:26,199
You only drink if you've done the thing
344
00:14:26,199 --> 00:14:28,410
that the person whose turn it is
said they've never done.
345
00:14:28,410 --> 00:14:29,661
That's right.
346
00:14:29,661 --> 00:14:32,622
So, the man whose turn
it is takes a drink.
347
00:14:32,622 --> 00:14:34,708
Well then, I will go first,
and I wanna say--
348
00:14:34,708 --> 00:14:35,875
- Ow!
- No, no, Glenn!
349
00:14:36,251 --> 00:14:37,377
Glenn, Glenn, Glenn!
350
00:14:37,377 --> 00:14:38,837
They only drink if no one's done the thing
351
00:14:38,837 --> 00:14:40,338
they said they'd never did.
352
00:14:40,338 --> 00:14:42,257
I thought if a person said
they've never did the thing,
353
00:14:42,257 --> 00:14:44,050
they were lying, and therefore must drink.
354
00:14:44,050 --> 00:14:45,760
I actually think Glenn is correct--
355
00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:47,387
No, shut the fuck up, De La Étouffée!
356
00:14:47,387 --> 00:14:48,763
How many times we gon' go through this?
357
00:14:48,763 --> 00:14:50,849
Well, maybe you're bad at explaining it.
358
00:14:50,849 --> 00:14:52,559
Oh, let me get this straight, mister.
359
00:14:52,559 --> 00:14:54,436
You're trying to say
I don't know the rules of
360
00:14:54,436 --> 00:14:57,105
- Never Have I Ever?
- Maybe I am. What of it?
361
00:14:57,105 --> 00:14:58,648
This the same reason why you're not
362
00:14:58,648 --> 00:15:00,108
on my charades team.
363
00:15:00,108 --> 00:15:02,068
Maybe no understands
how to play the game
364
00:15:02,068 --> 00:15:04,487
'cause I can't understand
what fuck you're saying!
365
00:15:04,487 --> 00:15:06,698
Alright, enough of this shit.
366
00:15:06,698 --> 00:15:08,950
How about this? Whiskey for everybody!
367
00:15:11,619 --> 00:15:13,371
Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
368
00:15:13,371 --> 00:15:15,081
What in blue blazes
369
00:15:15,081 --> 00:15:17,709
you doin' with a dirty Union greenback?
370
00:15:18,335 --> 00:15:20,628
Uh...
371
00:15:20,628 --> 00:15:23,506
Well, I am a proud rebel
372
00:15:23,506 --> 00:15:26,051
who killed a Union soldier
373
00:15:26,051 --> 00:15:28,595
and took his money.
374
00:15:29,220 --> 00:15:30,472
Then, why's your face on it?
375
00:15:32,974 --> 00:15:34,100
That could be anybody.
376
00:15:34,100 --> 00:15:36,186
All White men with beards lookalike, huh?
377
00:15:36,186 --> 00:15:37,354
What are you, racist?
378
00:15:38,063 --> 00:15:41,441
Yeah. That's pretty much our whole deal.
379
00:15:41,441 --> 00:15:43,401
We hate everything.
380
00:15:43,401 --> 00:15:46,363
People who turn classic movies
into TV shows.
381
00:15:46,363 --> 00:15:48,031
Boat owners.
382
00:15:48,031 --> 00:15:49,783
- Sound effects.
- Redheads.
383
00:15:49,783 --> 00:15:52,452
- Deadheads!
- For-profit universities.
384
00:15:52,452 --> 00:15:54,287
Novelty license plates.
385
00:15:54,287 --> 00:15:56,498
Picking people up from the airport!
386
00:15:56,498 --> 00:15:57,749
But most of all...
387
00:15:57,749 --> 00:16:00,335
Oh shit.
388
00:16:00,335 --> 00:16:02,045
...Yankees.
389
00:16:02,045 --> 00:16:03,588
Fuck Jeter!
390
00:16:03,588 --> 00:16:04,756
And you know what?
391
00:16:04,756 --> 00:16:07,550
Fuck Tom Brady and his fuckin' Tampa Bay,
392
00:16:07,550 --> 00:16:09,636
fuckin' wherever he is now.
393
00:16:10,053 --> 00:16:11,429
Get that fuckin' thing
outta here! What are you--
394
00:16:11,429 --> 00:16:12,889
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey...
395
00:16:12,889 --> 00:16:14,015
We gotta finish the scene, dude.
396
00:16:14,015 --> 00:16:15,058
Oh, you wanna finish the sc--
397
00:16:15,058 --> 00:16:16,768
Oh, I'm sorry, Your Highness.
398
00:16:16,935 --> 00:16:18,770
- Just don't engage. Don't engage.
- Hollyweird!
399
00:16:18,770 --> 00:16:20,355
Why don't you get LeBron to finish it?
400
00:16:20,355 --> 00:16:21,898
Oh! He's injured!
401
00:16:21,898 --> 00:16:23,942
- Yankees.
- Get a real basketball player
402
00:16:23,942 --> 00:16:25,694
like Larry fuckin' Bird.
403
00:16:30,407 --> 00:16:32,826
The Mongolian Empire.
404
00:16:35,787 --> 00:16:39,374
{\an8}In 1270, Marco Polo of Venice
405
00:16:39,374 --> 00:16:41,584
- travels the Silk Road...
- Marco Polo!
406
00:16:41,584 --> 00:16:44,504
...to meet the most feared
emperor in the world,
407
00:16:44,504 --> 00:16:46,923
the great Kublai Khan.
408
00:16:46,923 --> 00:16:48,633
Get down.
409
00:16:48,633 --> 00:16:49,843
Go!
410
00:16:49,843 --> 00:16:51,845
On my knee...
Good. Let's do this.
411
00:16:51,845 --> 00:16:53,722
If it goes well,
412
00:16:53,722 --> 00:16:56,349
trade between the East
and the West will finally open.
413
00:16:58,309 --> 00:17:01,563
And if not, Polo could be "no-mo."
414
00:17:01,563 --> 00:17:03,064
You may rise.
415
00:17:03,064 --> 00:17:05,275
Oh, thank heavens. This was
a little bit humiliating.
416
00:17:07,152 --> 00:17:09,112
What an honor to be here. Thank you.
417
00:17:09,112 --> 00:17:12,198
I bring you gifts as a gesture
of our friendship.
418
00:17:12,741 --> 00:17:13,658
Swag!
419
00:17:15,243 --> 00:17:16,995
We call this shit silk.
420
00:17:17,370 --> 00:17:19,539
This is nice!
421
00:17:19,539 --> 00:17:21,082
What do you call what
I'm feeling?
422
00:17:21,082 --> 00:17:22,500
What's the word for this?
423
00:17:22,500 --> 00:17:24,669
- Silky.
- Oh, yes!
424
00:17:24,669 --> 00:17:26,838
You know what? If you put that right here,
425
00:17:26,838 --> 00:17:28,089
on, like, a nice suit?
426
00:17:28,089 --> 00:17:29,758
You'd never wait
for a table again in your life.
427
00:17:29,758 --> 00:17:32,177
Alright, Kublai's turn!
428
00:17:32,969 --> 00:17:35,055
Okay, so what do you have for me?
429
00:17:36,514 --> 00:17:39,392
Okay. So keep in mind, I've been
on the road for four and a half years,
430
00:17:39,392 --> 00:17:40,310
so there's a little bit
431
00:17:40,310 --> 00:17:41,770
of wear and tear, right?
432
00:17:41,770 --> 00:17:44,230
Okay, I got something great,
you're gonna freak out.
433
00:17:44,731 --> 00:17:45,940
Put your hand out.
434
00:17:46,399 --> 00:17:50,028
I call this "shaky red." Shaky red, sir.
435
00:17:50,028 --> 00:17:51,780
What is shaky red?
436
00:17:51,780 --> 00:17:53,948
Hot peppers... that have been crushed.
437
00:17:53,948 --> 00:17:55,075
I'd be a little careful.
438
00:17:55,075 --> 00:17:57,243
There's a little bit of sand
in there. The...
439
00:17:57,243 --> 00:17:59,537
The bottle broke in the desert.
What do you honestly think?
440
00:17:59,537 --> 00:18:01,581
This is more of a pitch stage of the--
441
00:18:03,249 --> 00:18:04,501
Okay, well do you have anything else?
442
00:18:04,501 --> 00:18:05,794
To be frank, that was kinda shitty.
443
00:18:05,794 --> 00:18:07,629
For you? Yes. I have a goat
444
00:18:07,629 --> 00:18:10,048
that was blessed by the Pope himself!
445
00:18:10,048 --> 00:18:12,133
- Oh, what? The Pope?
- Yeah!
446
00:18:12,133 --> 00:18:13,677
Oh man, I heard all about that guy.
447
00:18:13,677 --> 00:18:14,594
The Pope Goat.
448
00:18:14,594 --> 00:18:16,429
Would love to meet this goat, where is it?
449
00:18:18,056 --> 00:18:19,557
Shit.
450
00:18:19,557 --> 00:18:21,351
It's right here!
451
00:18:21,351 --> 00:18:23,812
We had to eat the actual goat
a year and a half ago
452
00:18:23,812 --> 00:18:25,897
because we were starving to death,
453
00:18:25,897 --> 00:18:27,482
of course.
454
00:18:27,941 --> 00:18:29,984
- That's still blessed by...
- So,
455
00:18:29,984 --> 00:18:32,779
they tell me you have, like,
these scrolls of knowledge?
456
00:18:32,779 --> 00:18:34,948
I had to burn them,
obviously, to cook the goat,
457
00:18:34,948 --> 00:18:36,324
so it was a catch-22.
458
00:18:36,324 --> 00:18:39,035
So, are you saying you brought nothing
459
00:18:39,035 --> 00:18:41,621
- for the Great Khan?
- You know what I do have for you?
460
00:18:41,621 --> 00:18:44,040
- It's a game.
- What is this game?
461
00:18:46,626 --> 00:18:48,336
It's Marco Polo.
462
00:18:48,336 --> 00:18:50,380
And the way that you play
is somebody closes their eyes,
463
00:18:50,380 --> 00:18:52,173
and th-they're looking for the other guy,
464
00:18:52,173 --> 00:18:55,135
and th-they're running around,
they say "Marco!"
465
00:18:55,135 --> 00:18:57,220
And the other guy says "Polo!"
466
00:18:57,220 --> 00:18:59,973
It's a load of fun! It's better in a pool.
467
00:18:59,973 --> 00:19:01,099
You know what? Fuck this!
468
00:19:01,099 --> 00:19:03,476
All you brought me was some spicy sand
469
00:19:03,476 --> 00:19:05,520
and a dumbass game that you just made up?
470
00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:08,273
Please. It has been a crazy journey.
471
00:19:08,273 --> 00:19:10,066
There've been a lot of bumps on the road.
472
00:19:10,066 --> 00:19:11,901
Listen, Koobs, Koobs, hear me out.
473
00:19:11,901 --> 00:19:13,403
- Take him!
- Koobs, Koobs!
474
00:19:13,403 --> 00:19:14,529
- Stop calling me Koobs!
- No, no, no.
475
00:19:14,904 --> 00:19:16,614
Please don't do this. No!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, please!
476
00:19:16,614 --> 00:19:18,116
Burn this motherfucker alive!
477
00:19:18,408 --> 00:19:19,951
No, no, please don't burn me
alive! Don't burn me alive!
478
00:19:19,951 --> 00:19:22,328
- I wanna hear his guts popping!
- I'll do anything! No, no, no!
479
00:19:22,328 --> 00:19:25,957
I'll suck my own dick!
480
00:19:25,957 --> 00:19:27,584
Please.
481
00:19:33,423 --> 00:19:34,632
We pranked you!
482
00:19:34,632 --> 00:19:36,343
You got Khan'd, bro!
483
00:19:39,929 --> 00:19:42,098
- What do you mean it's a prank?
- It's a prank!
484
00:19:42,098 --> 00:19:43,850
We've been trying to think
for the last four years
485
00:19:43,850 --> 00:19:46,478
of some way to get you, and we got you!
486
00:19:46,478 --> 00:19:48,897
Check it out, check it out.
We got hidden charcoal artists everywhere.
487
00:19:48,897 --> 00:19:50,273
Look, we got one over here.
488
00:19:50,273 --> 00:19:51,983
- Ah?
- Wonderful.
489
00:19:51,983 --> 00:19:53,943
And look, we got one over here!
490
00:19:53,943 --> 00:19:55,653
He's got your depiction here, too!
491
00:19:55,653 --> 00:19:57,947
I was genuinely terrified for my life.
492
00:20:00,158 --> 00:20:01,534
I'll suck my own dick!
493
00:20:04,746 --> 00:20:06,831
Shirley Chisholm.
494
00:20:08,625 --> 00:20:10,627
Previously on Shirley.
495
00:20:11,711 --> 00:20:13,296
Oh hello, Mr. President.
496
00:20:13,296 --> 00:20:15,215
Guess who's coming to dinner?
497
00:20:15,215 --> 00:20:16,257
Mr. Nixon,
498
00:20:16,257 --> 00:20:17,759
what an immaculate honor
499
00:20:17,759 --> 00:20:19,344
to have you into my home.
500
00:20:19,344 --> 00:20:22,847
I invited my most
charismatic and only friend,
501
00:20:22,847 --> 00:20:24,516
Secretary of State Henry Kissinger.
502
00:20:24,516 --> 00:20:26,559
I brought a bundt cake.
503
00:20:26,559 --> 00:20:29,854
♪ Ooo, ooo, Shirley! ♪
504
00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:35,193
- Mother, will you be joining us?
- Uh, let's see.
505
00:20:35,193 --> 00:20:38,655
Have dinner with two warmongering hogs,
506
00:20:38,655 --> 00:20:42,033
or drink my martini by myself?
507
00:20:44,119 --> 00:20:45,787
That woman is enchanting.
508
00:20:47,497 --> 00:20:50,208
The reason I asked you here,
Mr. President,
509
00:20:50,208 --> 00:20:53,628
is because I feel like
I'm not getting anything done in Congress.
510
00:20:53,628 --> 00:20:56,047
Why yes, Shirley. You see (clears throat),
511
00:20:56,047 --> 00:20:57,882
Congress has no power.
512
00:20:57,882 --> 00:20:59,676
The only person who can get anything done
513
00:20:59,676 --> 00:21:01,761
is the President of the United States.
514
00:21:01,761 --> 00:21:04,055
The Commander-in-Chief.
515
00:21:04,055 --> 00:21:06,016
The King of the Free World.
516
00:21:06,016 --> 00:21:08,685
The Imperator of the Galaxy.
517
00:21:08,685 --> 00:21:11,396
Easy, Dick, don't let the cat
out of the bag.
518
00:21:12,981 --> 00:21:15,316
So, you're saying that the
only way I can get stuff done
519
00:21:15,316 --> 00:21:17,360
is if I'm president?
520
00:21:17,360 --> 00:21:20,113
That's right, Shirley. But, let's face it.
521
00:21:20,113 --> 00:21:21,406
That's not happening anytime soon.
522
00:21:21,406 --> 00:21:24,200
I mean, you're Black,
Shirley, and a woman.
523
00:21:25,035 --> 00:21:28,163
Well, Mr. Nixon, you've inspired me.
524
00:21:28,163 --> 00:21:29,664
Well, great.
525
00:21:30,373 --> 00:21:32,208
To run for president!
526
00:21:34,627 --> 00:21:36,171
Well, Henry, it finally happened,
527
00:21:36,171 --> 00:21:37,380
I never thought it would.
528
00:21:37,380 --> 00:21:38,965
A lady made me laugh.
529
00:21:38,965 --> 00:21:41,926
Unlike you, I am no joke.
530
00:21:41,926 --> 00:21:44,679
I am unbought and unbossed!
531
00:21:46,765 --> 00:21:50,268
Miss Chisholm, we'll just see. Good day.
532
00:21:50,268 --> 00:21:52,937
Now, Henry, let's return
to the White House.
533
00:21:52,937 --> 00:21:56,191
Your mother reminds me of
a woman I met in Transylvania
534
00:21:56,191 --> 00:21:58,526
in 1403. Please give her my number.
535
00:21:58,526 --> 00:22:01,196
666-6666.
536
00:22:03,782 --> 00:22:07,160
So, looks like I'm running for president.
537
00:22:07,160 --> 00:22:08,495
Shirley, I wish
538
00:22:08,495 --> 00:22:10,038
you would've talked to me about this.
539
00:22:10,038 --> 00:22:11,289
That's a big decision.
540
00:22:11,289 --> 00:22:13,249
Conrad, it's a TV show.
541
00:22:13,249 --> 00:22:16,419
We have to move the story along
at a faster pace than real life.
542
00:22:16,419 --> 00:22:18,004
Hm.
543
00:22:18,004 --> 00:22:20,131
Like a workout montage?
544
00:22:20,674 --> 00:22:24,886
♪ Ooo, ooo, Shirley! ♪
545
00:22:30,475 --> 00:22:32,560
Jesus Christ!
546
00:22:34,813 --> 00:22:38,358
Meanwhile, back in Jerusalem...
547
00:22:43,488 --> 00:22:44,781
Hey, barkeep?
548
00:22:44,781 --> 00:22:45,824
Two hot wines, please.
549
00:22:46,116 --> 00:22:47,325
Coming right up, boss.
550
00:22:48,034 --> 00:22:51,079
So? What did we think about the show?
551
00:22:51,079 --> 00:22:53,373
Worst shit I have ever seen in my life.
552
00:22:53,373 --> 00:22:56,251
Right? Did you notice when
he was in the "hospital scene,"
553
00:22:56,251 --> 00:22:57,752
- he's in the bed?
- Yeah.
554
00:22:57,752 --> 00:22:59,129
He fell asleep, right?
555
00:22:59,129 --> 00:23:01,256
Was that acting or was
he really fuckin' sleeping?
556
00:23:01,256 --> 00:23:02,924
I don't know, but it's contagious
557
00:23:02,924 --> 00:23:04,259
- 'cause then I fall asleep.
- Oh.
558
00:23:04,259 --> 00:23:05,927
You gotta have intermission.
People gotta get up
559
00:23:05,927 --> 00:23:07,762
and stretch their legs a-and go out
560
00:23:07,762 --> 00:23:09,180
and stand in front of the fuckin' theater
561
00:23:09,180 --> 00:23:10,932
a-and smoke a hookah
or some shit like that.
562
00:23:10,932 --> 00:23:13,351
Peter thinks it's good.
He thinks this show is good.
563
00:23:13,351 --> 00:23:16,521
He thinks he's gonna tape this
for a Netfish special!
564
00:23:16,521 --> 00:23:18,898
If this was on Netfish,
I would cancel my subscription.
565
00:23:18,898 --> 00:23:21,234
Fuck yeah. Hey, I just can't believe
566
00:23:21,234 --> 00:23:23,194
that you're gonna betray Jesus tonight.
567
00:23:23,194 --> 00:23:25,822
What? I'm not gonna betray Jesus.
568
00:23:25,822 --> 00:23:27,073
What are you talking about?
569
00:23:27,073 --> 00:23:28,658
Fuck am I talking about?
You took the money!
570
00:23:28,658 --> 00:23:29,826
I had to take the money.
571
00:23:29,826 --> 00:23:32,078
Peter made us pay for this one-man show.
572
00:23:32,078 --> 00:23:34,039
We're his friends. We should be comped.
573
00:23:34,039 --> 00:23:38,251
And that is what the fuck
you call a betrayal!
574
00:23:38,251 --> 00:23:39,711
- Betrayal!?
- What?
575
00:23:39,711 --> 00:23:41,588
Betrayal? Who are you gonna betray?
576
00:23:41,588 --> 00:23:43,506
No, what are you guys talking about?
577
00:23:43,506 --> 00:23:45,592
- Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing.
- Who's getting betrayed?
578
00:23:45,592 --> 00:23:47,677
No, no, no, there's no betrayal happening.
579
00:23:47,677 --> 00:23:49,512
- It's fine.
- Okay. So, what'd you think of the play?
580
00:23:49,512 --> 00:23:51,556
You were up there trying
really hard.
581
00:23:51,556 --> 00:23:52,974
And the details about your family.
582
00:23:52,974 --> 00:23:55,018
H-how your dad was a-- was a Galilean,
583
00:23:55,018 --> 00:23:56,519
a-and your mom was a Moabite?
584
00:23:56,519 --> 00:23:58,688
A-and the fact that you had therapy?
585
00:23:58,688 --> 00:24:00,023
- Fucked me up.
- Thank you, man.
586
00:24:00,023 --> 00:24:02,025
- You see me. You see me.
- I saw you.
587
00:24:02,025 --> 00:24:04,944
- What'd you think, Judas?
- I think I didn't like to have
588
00:24:04,944 --> 00:24:07,197
to pay for tickets
to my friend's one-man show.
589
00:24:07,197 --> 00:24:09,157
Well, I'm sorry I didn't get comps!
590
00:24:09,157 --> 00:24:10,617
What am I, a money lender?
591
00:24:10,617 --> 00:24:12,327
So, what'd you think of the show?
592
00:24:12,327 --> 00:24:14,704
Eh... Not for me.
593
00:24:14,704 --> 00:24:17,165
- Well, Jesus loved it.
- Please.
594
00:24:17,582 --> 00:24:19,334
Jesus loves everything.
The guy can't stop saying,
595
00:24:19,334 --> 00:24:21,711
"Oh, I love this."
He's just looking for followers.
596
00:24:21,711 --> 00:24:24,130
Look at Jesus
over there. Look at him.
597
00:24:24,130 --> 00:24:25,924
Absolutely woofing down
598
00:24:25,924 --> 00:24:27,300
that bacon cheeseburger.
599
00:24:27,300 --> 00:24:28,635
Oh, it looks so good.
600
00:24:28,635 --> 00:24:29,844
Bacon cheeseburger?
601
00:24:29,844 --> 00:24:31,554
Hold on, that's not kosher.
602
00:24:31,554 --> 00:24:33,807
Wait, none of the food here is kosher.
603
00:24:33,807 --> 00:24:35,725
Oh please, let him sin.
604
00:24:35,725 --> 00:24:38,520
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
hold the fuckin' phones.
605
00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:40,480
Wait a minute, I just ate a
bacon-wrapped scallop
606
00:24:40,480 --> 00:24:41,564
and baby back ribs.
607
00:24:41,564 --> 00:24:42,774
You mean to tell me none
608
00:24:42,774 --> 00:24:44,150
of this shit is kosher?
609
00:24:44,150 --> 00:24:46,152
You know what, I'm fuckin' livid!
610
00:24:46,152 --> 00:24:49,072
As a Jew, I'm livid!
611
00:24:49,072 --> 00:24:50,615
You know what? I'm gonna plotz!
612
00:24:50,615 --> 00:24:52,325
I can understand why you're pissed
613
00:24:52,325 --> 00:24:54,452
because something is going
on with this Jesus guy.
614
00:24:54,452 --> 00:24:57,038
He's trying to phase out his Judaism.
615
00:24:57,747 --> 00:24:59,207
- Really?
- Yeah!
616
00:24:59,207 --> 00:25:00,709
Yeah, that fool's up to somethin'.
617
00:25:00,709 --> 00:25:02,669
Yeah, I bet he's gonna grow
back his foreskin, too.
618
00:25:02,669 --> 00:25:04,879
What? You can grow back your foreskin?
619
00:25:04,879 --> 00:25:06,715
Fuck yeah, you can do that.
My cousin did that.
620
00:25:06,715 --> 00:25:08,425
He put a clothespin on
the tip of that shit.
621
00:25:08,425 --> 00:25:09,843
Oh, that's impossible.
622
00:25:09,843 --> 00:25:11,761
No, you gotta tie a string onto the thing,
623
00:25:11,761 --> 00:25:13,888
and then-- and then,
you got a weight down there,
624
00:25:13,888 --> 00:25:15,598
and the weight is gonna
pull the string off,
625
00:25:15,598 --> 00:25:17,183
and you have to sleep standing up.
626
00:25:17,183 --> 00:25:19,102
- Uh huh.
- Not for me, baby. Not for me.
627
00:25:19,102 --> 00:25:21,563
- Oh, really? Not for you?
- Nope.
628
00:25:21,563 --> 00:25:22,939
Lotta detail for an innocent man.
629
00:25:22,939 --> 00:25:24,315
Wait, he's going to the bathroom.
630
00:25:24,315 --> 00:25:25,358
Do I do a foreskin check?
631
00:25:25,734 --> 00:25:27,402
- Yeah.
- Should I go and get cockfirmation?
632
00:25:27,402 --> 00:25:28,445
Oh yeah.
633
00:25:28,445 --> 00:25:30,030
Go in there and peep that pecker.
634
00:25:30,447 --> 00:25:31,906
And find out how he avoids
635
00:25:31,906 --> 00:25:33,658
- peeing on the weight.
- Yeah.
636
00:25:33,658 --> 00:25:35,827
- Yeah, I mean I've heard that it happen--
- Oh, you've heard that?
637
00:25:35,827 --> 00:25:37,162
No, I've read it in some scrolls!
638
00:25:37,162 --> 00:25:38,913
Oh, you've read it in some scrolls?
- Yes.
639
00:25:38,913 --> 00:25:40,749
Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure.
640
00:25:41,332 --> 00:25:43,960
There he is! JC!
641
00:25:43,960 --> 00:25:46,087
Judas, hey. Hey, I can swear to my dad,
642
00:25:46,087 --> 00:25:47,589
- I locked that door.
- Oh, yeah?
643
00:25:47,589 --> 00:25:49,841
So, what'd you think of
Peter's one-man show?
644
00:25:49,841 --> 00:25:51,301
Yeah, I liked it, yeah.
645
00:25:51,301 --> 00:25:53,136
I mean, what's not to like?
I got free tickets, right?
646
00:25:53,136 --> 00:25:55,180
- Free ticket? Free.
- Yeah.
647
00:25:55,180 --> 00:25:58,308
Comped.
648
00:25:58,308 --> 00:25:59,684
What does "comped" stand for?
649
00:25:59,684 --> 00:26:01,311
- Complimentary.
- Complimentary!
650
00:26:01,978 --> 00:26:03,772
I wish I could be more complimentary
651
00:26:03,772 --> 00:26:04,731
of Peter's one-man show.
652
00:26:04,731 --> 00:26:06,107
Judas.
653
00:26:06,107 --> 00:26:07,650
Judge not, lest you be judged.
654
00:26:09,027 --> 00:26:10,612
Not bad. You just come up with that?
655
00:26:10,612 --> 00:26:12,072
Eh... Thanks.
656
00:26:19,412 --> 00:26:20,997
Whoa! Hey! Hot piss!
657
00:26:20,997 --> 00:26:22,207
Judas, you're pissing on my feet!
658
00:26:22,207 --> 00:26:24,918
- What? No! What? No!
- Yes! Yes!
659
00:26:24,918 --> 00:26:27,087
- I was just checking!
- Checking what?
660
00:26:27,087 --> 00:26:28,588
Just to get cockfirmation!
661
00:26:28,588 --> 00:26:30,799
Judas, you pissed on my feet!
662
00:26:30,799 --> 00:26:32,801
I gotta go back to the party.
663
00:26:32,801 --> 00:26:34,386
No, you don't-- What-- You--
664
00:26:34,386 --> 00:26:35,553
- Judas.
- Ah, ah, ah!
665
00:26:35,553 --> 00:26:37,931
I know you hear me.
666
00:26:38,223 --> 00:26:39,933
Oh, you just gonna
let the blower-- He's gonna blow
667
00:26:40,058 --> 00:26:41,851
your hands for 30 seconds.
You just not gonna look at me?
668
00:26:41,976 --> 00:26:43,436
I know you hear me! I am in your head!
669
00:26:43,436 --> 00:26:46,022
Sorry, I only have
big pieces of silver. Ah.
670
00:26:46,022 --> 00:26:47,482
- Judas!
- Okay, so,
671
00:26:47,482 --> 00:26:49,192
what did you think of my accents?
672
00:26:49,192 --> 00:26:50,235
You didn't take me anywhere.
673
00:26:50,235 --> 00:26:51,444
You gotta take someone somewhere--
674
00:26:51,444 --> 00:26:53,029
Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go, gotta go...
675
00:26:53,029 --> 00:26:54,698
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Fuck you mean "we gotta go?"
676
00:26:54,698 --> 00:26:56,825
Judas! What the fuck?
677
00:26:58,201 --> 00:27:01,287
You peed on my son's feet?
678
00:27:01,287 --> 00:27:03,289
Mother Mary, may I explain?
679
00:27:03,623 --> 00:27:04,582
No, you may not!
680
00:27:04,582 --> 00:27:06,543
I did not not have sex
681
00:27:06,543 --> 00:27:09,129
and give birth in a dirty-ass manger
682
00:27:09,129 --> 00:27:12,924
for you to urinate on the Son of God!
683
00:27:12,924 --> 00:27:15,010
Thinks her son's God?
The mother's definitely Jewish.
684
00:27:15,010 --> 00:27:17,220
Okay!
685
00:27:17,220 --> 00:27:19,973
I want you to get on your knees
686
00:27:19,973 --> 00:27:21,516
and wash his feet.
687
00:27:21,516 --> 00:27:24,185
- Ooh.
- I don't know.
688
00:27:24,185 --> 00:27:26,688
You raggedy bitch.
689
00:27:26,688 --> 00:27:29,232
You want me to wash
the pee-pee off of his feet?
690
00:27:29,232 --> 00:27:30,817
- Yes.
- That's what you would like?
691
00:27:30,817 --> 00:27:32,777
I just wanna confirm,
so we're on the same page here.
692
00:27:32,777 --> 00:27:35,238
- Yes!
- Luke, what do you think?
693
00:27:35,238 --> 00:27:37,615
If someone pissed on my fuckin' sandals,
694
00:27:37,615 --> 00:27:38,908
they wipin' that shit off.
695
00:27:38,908 --> 00:27:40,452
Okay, well, that's a betrayal.
696
00:27:40,452 --> 00:27:43,079
I mean, the guy lays hands on lepers,
697
00:27:43,079 --> 00:27:45,373
and you're worried about
a little pee-pee on his feet?
698
00:27:45,373 --> 00:27:48,084
You're really...
You're gonna make me do this?
699
00:27:48,084 --> 00:27:49,919
- Do it already!
- Uh--
700
00:27:49,919 --> 00:27:51,463
Enough with the talking!
701
00:27:55,008 --> 00:27:56,426
It's just feet, they're gross.
702
00:27:56,426 --> 00:27:58,094
Do you guys like-- Anybody here like feet?
703
00:27:58,094 --> 00:28:01,056
Whatever the opposite of
a foot fetish is what I have!
704
00:28:01,056 --> 00:28:02,390
Hey, Jesus...
705
00:28:02,390 --> 00:28:04,017
- I've sinned.
- Mm-hmm.
706
00:28:04,017 --> 00:28:05,518
- I'm a sinner.
- Mm-hmm.
707
00:28:05,518 --> 00:28:07,020
I'm repenting.
708
00:28:07,020 --> 00:28:09,481
I don't wanna wash your feet.
709
00:28:09,481 --> 00:28:11,524
Rise, my son.
710
00:28:11,524 --> 00:28:12,817
- What?
- I forgive you.
711
00:28:12,817 --> 00:28:15,695
- Uh-uh!
- It's okay, Mama. It's okay.
712
00:28:15,695 --> 00:28:17,322
Take back your dirty fuckin' rag.
713
00:28:17,322 --> 00:28:19,866
This is my guy!
714
00:28:19,866 --> 00:28:21,451
Jesus!
715
00:28:21,451 --> 00:28:24,871
This guy, he's not even a guy!
This guy's a God! Come here!
716
00:28:24,871 --> 00:28:27,957
The kiss is a signal!
717
00:28:27,957 --> 00:28:30,001
- That's Jesus! Get him!
- What?
718
00:28:30,001 --> 00:28:31,044
Wait, what? No!
719
00:28:31,044 --> 00:28:32,045
- You betrayed me?
- What?
720
00:28:32,045 --> 00:28:33,296
- Mom! Mom!
- No!
721
00:28:33,296 --> 00:28:34,923
- Oh!
- Tell my story!
722
00:28:34,923 --> 00:28:38,093
Oh, it was Jesus you were gonna betray!
723
00:28:38,093 --> 00:28:40,053
No, this wasn't a betrayal kiss!
724
00:28:40,053 --> 00:28:43,139
No! This was a thank you kiss,
not a betrayal kiss!
725
00:28:43,139 --> 00:28:44,432
Luke! Luke!
726
00:28:44,557 --> 00:28:47,602
- You're in trouble!
- No! look at all these feet!
727
00:28:47,602 --> 00:28:51,022
Judas Iscariot, forever unclean!
728
00:28:51,022 --> 00:28:52,649
This is too much!
729
00:29:59,632 --> 00:30:02,635
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