All language subtitles for uki-ps.s01e01.dvdrip.xvid.EnglishHI

(# Pounding techno)

(Jez) 'This is fucking wicked.

'I'm almost definitely a musical genius.'

(Jez, droning) # This is outrageous

# This is contagious
Yeah #

'Maybe a tattoo on my chest.

'But of my face.

'Yeah. Double me!

'Feel it.'

# So futile... #

- (Mark) 'She's on there.'
- (Music on Walkman)

'Got to get the same bus home.
Don't go. Almost there.

'Yes. I am the lord of the bus, said he.

'Where is she?

- 'Knickers, she's not on.'
- (Music stops)

- Hey, Mark.
- Sophie!

- We must stop meeting like this.
- Heh, yeah.

I was... running. Were you... running?

- Right behind you. I shouted but...
- Of course. Stupid... music.

- Why don't you...?
- What did you make of...?

'Oh, no, shit, she's... I should say.

'No, too late. Already it's too late.

'Maybe if we hit a bump I can slip it out.

'Or keep shtoom, ride it out.

'Gonna need to waggle eventually
to keep the circulation going.'

God, there's something Mark...

- Your hand!
- Er, oh.

I was gonna say but... I just... Sorry.

No, no, it's fine.

'Of course, she's giving you the book-off.

'Women don't want your hand
under their bottoms, Mark.

'That's been established, that's a given.

"'She sat on it, officer,
it was an accident."

"'Of course it was, now get in
with the nonces." What a disaster.'

Oi, mate, er, can I have
some of your Coke?

'They'll trap me
and their brothers will hack me to... '

- I said, can I have...
- Here.

- Look, he's a paedo!
- Paedo!

'You're not a paedo.
You're definitely not a paedo.'

(Boy) Go home, man!

'Those kids have no idea whatsoever
of what went on at Stalingrad.

'Although I can in no way
compare my struggle reading it

'with that of the Red Army,

'it has been a very big read.'

I'm basically wanting to meet someone
like myself.

'That's the opposite
of what I'm looking for.'

- (Jez) Hey, man.
- Hey, man.

(Sighs) Now I know how whatshisname
felt when he finished the Mona Lisa.

Knackered. So how was your day?

Shit.

Well, Toni came round to drop this off.

Oh. A party.

Did you, you know, make your move?

No, no. She was going to Starbucks
to read a book. It's one of her things.

Besides, the move... it's not a whole
Sophie uptight situation.

We're just gradually sliding into
a fuck buddy scenario.

- Fuck buddy?
- Yeah. A buddy you can fuck.

We're both so relaxed about sex. Last
time I was there, we watched a porno.

Four in the afternoon, just me and her.

I mean, that's me.

I'm not ready for the kind of thing
you're after. The whole...

- someone to go to Waitrose with.
- Yeah, I suppose.

(Mark) 'I don't want to go to Waitrose,
I want a fuck buddy.'

(Jez) 'I wish I was her fuck buddy
next door, we'd do it through the wall.'

- How thick is wall?
- Depends.

So, er, which Starbucks does she go to?

(Mark) 'Come on, come on, piss off.
I want to go to the shop.

'Need a poo, got to have loo paper.

'I should be able to walk out of
my own door. What's wrong with me?

'Be great if a car just ploughed
into the lot of them.

'Twisted broken bones.'

- (Crash)
- Jesus, Mark! Are you OK?

Hi, Toni. I'm fine. I was just...

checking the letter box for...

Sometimes they get stuck in there
and next thing your phone's cut off.

Right.

You know they haven't got Alpen
at that corner shop?

- No.
- I said, "Have you got any Alpen?"

He said, "No."
I said, "Are you going to order any in?"

- And he said he didn't know.
- That is a bit crap.

It's ridiculous!
What kind of shop doesn't have Alpen?

- I don't know.
- 'Go on.'

I've got Alpen!

- Yeah?
- Yeah, I mean, you can have some.

'What are you doing?
What about the poo? '

'lf I can just... hold it in.

'I think it's retreating.'

So, here we are then. Bowl o' Alpen.

Makes me think of skiing holidays.
We always used to go skiing.

- Me, my mum, my sister.
- Wicked.

I've got a sister. She's a lawyer, actually.

'Don't boast.'

What does your sister do?

Not much. She's got leukaemia.

'That's what you get for trying to flirt.'

That's terrible. I'm so sorry.

I suppose...

I mean, at least it's not cancer.

It's a form of cancer.

Shit. That's terrible.

My gran... died of cancer.

Although, hopefully, your sister... won't.

Obviously. Listen, let's talk about
something else. Something fun.

Do you like Blackadder?
I got the Blackadder set for Christmas.

- I never really...
- No, sure, forget it. Terrible idea.

I know. I know something funny.

# This is outrageous!

# This is contagious! #

And he's been working on it for a month!

- # So futile... #
- Wait, this is the best bit.

- # Waaaaaaaaaah! #
- (Both laughing)

(Jez) 'This Grammy goes out
to my homeboys in Compton,

'the Japanese people
who mean so much to me.

'Mark's playing my track!
He can't get enough of that shit.'

- (Both laughing)
- #... dangerous! #

- Jez.
- What's going...?

Toni. I...

# And it's dangerous

# Keep away from it... #

'Great idea, Mark.
Humiliate your best mate just to...

- 'Why didn't we play Othello?
- (# Pop classical)

'I'd love to bang her.

'Just buckle down, do your time,
like Leslie Grantham.'

Hey, Jez, you're up.

- (Music off)
- Yes, that's right. I'm up.

I'm making chicken tikka.
Plus I've bought us loads of great stuff.

Dune on DVD, Bakewell slices,

gin, and...

Sara Lee.

Plus I was thinking -
you know that 30 quid you owe me?

Let's call it quits, yeah?

I mean, not quits but, you know...

I'm just really, really, really, really sorry,
Jeremy.

(Mark) 'Does he mind? Maybe nobody
minds about things as much as me.'

Cos it was only a balls-up. I ballsed up.
And now we're fine.

This'll be ready soon. We can eat it
in front of Hitler's Henchmen.

(Muffled) Yeah.

Listen, you know Kerry, cancer Kerry?

- Yeah?
- I need to find out for a friend

the name of that Chinese doctor she was
raving about. Can you remember?

Sure.

It was Dr Ying Fu Yip.

Wang Shong.

Pang Fang Wang

Dang Dong Ning Po Ku.

Oh, right.

I see. I get it.

You were lampooning me.

It was a simple lampoon.

- (Man) Hey, Jez, what's up, man?
- Super Hans.

Pint of Guinness, please.
No logo on the foam.

- No logo?
- You don't buy into that, do ya?

The old, "Ooh, I've got a clover
in me foam.

"I'm so important." No.

What you're doing there is you're
drinking an advert, ain't ya, eh, shithead?

- Thank you.
- Right.

- So you got our track?
- Er, no.

I've been thinking, I'm not sure.

I think maybe it's shit.

Whoa. Hold it, cowboy. Rewind. Wash it.

The track's shit?
Jez, the track's THE shit.

It's just I found Mark laughing at it.

What, so, Mr fuckin' Ocean Colour Pants
don't get it?

Quelle fuckin' surprise.

Plus he was doing it in front of Toni.

Mate, you gotta get some rewengay.

He broke omert�.

- You think?
- Listen,

the whole industry is run
by suits like your mate.

- Is that why we haven't got a deal?
- Course. They're all Marks.

Sitting at marble desks,
ties done up to eleven,

clicking their fingers
to the Lighthouse Family,

getting their dick sucked by an Alsatian.

Yeah?

They're all perverts, mate.
All in with each other.

It's not who you know, it's who you blow.

Right.

(Mark) 'So Toni scares me.

'I can have a relationship with someone
that scares me. Look at me and Dad.'

'Oh, shit. Relax, relax, it's OK.

'You're not a paedo, you're just a normal
man walking past some simple children.'

- Hi there.
- Look, it's Clean Shirt.

'Clean Shirt? Isn't that good? '

- How do you get that shirt so clean?
- 'Use the power of reason.'

Look, I know it must be difficult
being a kid. Not a lot of schemes.

But... You know, I'm not the borough.
I wish I was but...

- Fuck off, Clean Shirt.
- I'm just a man. Can't we just...?

Hey, no! No! Kicking's not...

Don't kick my foot! That's my... Stop it!

- (Kids laughing)
- Don't kick my foot!

(Mocking laughter)

(Mark) 'Me and Toni, Toni and me.

'When his kooky charm starts to cloy,
I'll be there.

'Fuck buddy number two.

'Great. Wait for the crumbs to fall
while my nuts slowly shrivel.

'Actually, I hope they do shrivel... '

- Oh!
- What's the matter?

I thought you liked pork.

How did...? What does it mean?

It means... omert�.

It means rewengay.

I'm sorry, OK? I'm sorry I humiliated you
in front of Toni.

Don't think I can't see you
trying to get a slice of my action

because Sophie won't put out.

Oh, the gloves are off? Perhaps you
should know what I think of your music.

Well, let's have some more truth,
shall we?

Cos the truth is you're a posh spaz.

Oh, really? I'd love to know
in what way I am a posh spaz.

In the way that you do
posh spazzy things

like tidying up and ironing your socks.

I do not iron my socks.

Socks, shirt, whatever.

(Mark) 'I'm going to the party
and I'll get her in the end.

'I have the power of the brain -
the most erotic muscle.

'A longbow beats the crossbow,
my idiotic friend.'

Hey, look, just lay off.

- That's my bit of lager!
- Oh, I get it.

- Are you gonna do me in?
- Don't be ridiculous.

Are you gonna punch me, Mark?
Is that what's going to happen?

You just... You... You're lucky I don't...

- You're just very lucky.
- You're an animal.

You keep your tie done up to eleven

otherwise all this grey office envy sludge
will spill out.

And you've got weird nuts!

What? How did you...?

If you're watching TV in your dressing
gown, you should put some pants on.

So I'm glad we cleared the air.

Me too.

I feel better. Much better.

Like a weight has been lifted.

Me too. That's exactly how I feel.

(# Funk music playing, faint)

Hey, hey, hey. It's the guys.

Come on in.

So... Toni's friends.

Who, what, why, and where?

Well, that's the fun - I don't know anyone!

- These are our neighbours.
- Neighbours?

Did you think I'd invited friends?

You know who your friends are when
you set fire to Hampton Court maze

because you can't take
your husband's shit.

It's great to know your neighbours,
not just for security...

Right, exactly. Drinks?

Wicked.

(Jez) 'lf I laugh at everything she says,
I'll at least get a suck job.'

(Mark) 'I should forget it, leave her
to him. Concentrate on the long game.

'Work on a six-pack by Christmas, then...

'Why should I? We had something going
when we were laughing at Jeremy.'

- (Laughter)
- 'Oh, too late. They're bonding.'

- What's funny? It's a fridge magnet.
- I know but it looks just like a fried egg.

(Mark) 'Heh-heh. Twot.'

But if I pull out now,
that's the deposit gone.

Right. Nightmare.

- On the other hand...
- 'How did I get trapped with her?

'She's the most boring person here.

'They look great. They might be talking
about making a porno. I'll do the music.'

So where do you live in the building?

Oh, I don't live here, I'm Toni's sister.

- And what do you do?
- I work in the music business.

You do?

Well, that's amazing.
That's just really amazing.

(Toni) Everyone writes down
someone famous.

We swap, put them on our foreheads,

and you work out who we are by asking
questions. It's really funny because...

Anyway, let's just play.

(Jez) 'Heh-heh. Yeah, this is it.
Paula's gonna love this.

'Very lggy.'

No, when you've finished,
drop your Rizla in the bowl.

Oh. Er, I'll... Could I do mine again?

We're not playing for points, mate.

Come on, just drop it in, old chap.

That's it.

- I give up.
- No, don't. Just one... This one's mine.

- Tim Henman?
- Yeah, how did you...?

- Jeremy, have you worked out your...?
- Don't even go there.

It is literally impossible.
I'm just someone's secretary.

- The Home Secretary, Jeremy.
- Yeah, right, whatever.

- We're popping next door.
- You're going?

(Mark) 'The coast is clear! '

Yeah, I'm taking Paula
to listen to my work.

She seems like she'd appreciate
a good track.

Cool! Don't do anything
I wouldn't do, sis. Ha-ha!

Which leaves her a hell of a lot of leeway!

(Mark) 'Heh-heh-heh. I am in here!

'Sis... Sister! Shit! '

Excuse me.

- Jez, can I have a word?
- Yeah, I'm going, the coast is clear.

I don't expect you'll get very far
but by all means have a pop.

I thought I'd better tell you. Paula, she's...

She has cancer.

What? Are you serious?

I thought I'd better mention it.
You don't wanna drop a clanger.

No. Right.

Blimey.

Is it Jamie Oliver?

Look, you're a cockmuncher, OK?

(# Pounding techno)
# Feel it, yeah #

(Jez) 'You can't catch cancer.
I'd have heard. Someone would've said.'

OK, I think I've heard enough.

(Music stops)

- Yeah. It's OK.
- Do you really think so?

'What kind? Blood? Bone? Knee? Face? '

- Yeah, I mean, I like it.
- Great!

I mean, that's great.

But I'm guessing you didn't invite me
to your room just to listen to some tape.

'Shit. Of Course. "It's who you blow."'

No. No, sure. I know the rules.

Yeah, let's get it on... baby.

(Toni tuts) Barry.

That guy is one serious power tripper.
He was all over my Rizla game.

'OK, Mark, you asked for it,
now you've got it.

'She's looking for a fuck buddy.
Change gears, sauce things up.'

He's just so, "Yah, take the A304."

I mean, yes! We can see your hairy chest.

And no, we're not impressed!

Yeah, so, er, Jeremy tells me
you two watched a porno together.

You know, I'd be into...

No, that was The English Patient.

'Ha! What an idiotic boob.
He's out, I'm in.

'Now, what's my shtick? Yeah... '

You know, the Red Army shot 16,000
of their own men at Stalingrad.

OK.

And of course, the majority of
the Wehrmacht had no winter clothing.

'I'm the tank commander now, Barry.'

I know how they feel. You buy classic
but classic keeps changing.

See, by the winter of '42,

the whole city was surrounded

by the massed Sixth Army.

It was pressing...

and pressing.

The Russians couldn't hold on
much longer. Many wanted to submit.

Mark, I don't just bang anyone.
I'm not some next-door fuck jar.

No. No, of course not.

What I mean is that the German
supply lines were stretched.

Zhukov countered...

and the siege was broken.

And that's all the story of Stalingrad.

'You're a sunshine coach,
bringing a last smile to... '

Erm, if we've got to do this,
do you mind keeping the hat on?

It's just...

- Sorry.
- We don't have to do anything, Jeremy.

- No?
- No.

I mean, I don't mind. I'd just rather not...

We could take Polaroids of me,
you know, all excited

and you could take them away...

I am very keen to sort you out,
so to speak.

'That was embarrassing.

"'Not a fuck jar".
Don't dwell. No need to dwell.

'Think charming, considerate.'

So your sister,
she looks great considering...

Considering what?
She doesn't have any dress sense?

No. You know, the whole thing,
the leukaemia.

Oh, no, that's not Paula.
Paula's my half-sister.

Paula's doing fine! Except her idea
of a present is a bunch of CD singles,

and I do know you get them for free.

Toni, we're dry. I was thinking someone
should run to the offy before it shuts.

'The second front.
I can win on the second front.

'This is perfect. I'm gonna be
the knight on horseback

'with an armful of booze and enough
nachos to feed the Mexican army.

'Oh, shit. Shit! Fuck off.
Why don't you fuck the fuck off?

'Just run the gauntlet.
The little bastards will...

'lt's gonna shut as well.'

Er, excuse me, mate.

Er, sorry to bother you.

This is a bit embarrassing, really.

You couldn't possibly buy me
a couple of bottles of wine?

Pinot grigio, maybe. Or...

Oi! Look, it's that paedo!

- Ha-haaa!
- Paedo.

(Echoing synth notes)

But on the song, do you really like it?

Yeah, it's hard to get that excited about.

I guess you're not
in the right frame of mind...

'Don't go on about it. Jesus.'

- Are you gonna do more work on it?
- 'How much time has she got? '

Maybe. I mean, how long are you
planning to... stay in your job?

- Oh, you know, as long as I last.
- Right.

(Clashing notes)

- Look, should you be doing that?
- Probably not. But, you know, fuck it.

Jesus.

You know, I do think you're brave.

I just think you're very, very brave.

I make my decisions, I stick by them.

Everybody said you couldn't market
acid jazz to the over 30s,

and I was like, "Fuck that shit."

Listen to you, you beautiful, crazy thing.

I meant the cancer.

I'm sorry... which cancer?

The bloody cancer eating you away.

OK.

Would you like it if I did have cancer?

(Mark) 'I bet Zhukov
would've got booze. Oh.'

Oh. You're back. I think it's winding
down a bit now, actually, mate.

- 'Bastard.'
- (Jez) Oh, yeah, very funny!

I suppose you think cancer is just
this huge practical joke!

What? Oh, Jeremy, I'm so sorry.

- I thought...
- You're quite the guy.

Certainly not the kind of sicko
to ruin someone's music career

by suggesting that certain people
have cancer.

What joke is next?
"Hey, Jez, your mum's dead!"

- Bloody hilarious.
- What's going on?

I accidentally told him Paula had cancer.

Jeremy, Mark got it wrong. He thought
Paula was ill. She's not, it was a mistake.

I'm sure Kerry would be rolling
round the floor

except she's head to toe
in acupuncture needles.

I made a mistake. You wouldn't give
the name of the doctor for Toni's sister.

He wouldn't give the name for Sal?

What's the big deal? So I didn't give him
the number for Dr Tang?

She's got leukaemia. Sticking a few
needles in her face is not gonna fix that.

OK. I think it's time for you boys

to fuck off now. Hmm?

Well, really, really nice to catch up, Soph.
See you tomorrow?

- Tomorrow. Great.
- 'Yeah, that's the way.

'Sophie's the one.

'Toni is Russia -
vast, mysterious, unconquerable.

'Sophie is Poland - manageable,
won't put up too much of a fight.

- 'Shit. Oh, shit.'
- (All shouting)

- It's paedo!
- 'OK, you want some, do you?

'Do you want a taste of my steel? '

(Roaring)

(# Pounding techno)
# And did those feet in ancient times

# Feel it!
# Walk upon England's pastures green

# Rah!
# Outrageous

# Ah, yeah!

# Uh! Uh! Eeh! Oh!

# Ohhh!

# God save our gracious que... #