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MEL BROOKS:
"Galileo."
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00:00:04,546 --> 00:00:07,299
♪ harpsichord ♪
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00:00:07,299 --> 00:00:10,302
[Italian accent]:
Hey! Ciao! Margherita de Medici,
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00:00:10,302 --> 00:00:13,138
this is-a Galileo with a Cameo,
5
00:00:13,138 --> 00:00:15,307
AKA a Galilameo.
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00:00:15,307 --> 00:00:19,186
This is-a from your father,
the Grand Duke of Tuscany,
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00:00:19,186 --> 00:00:22,648
and he wanted me to wish you
a happy birthday.
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00:00:22,648 --> 00:00:24,942
16 years old-a, which means
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00:00:24,942 --> 00:00:26,860
that you can now get married
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00:00:26,860 --> 00:00:28,487
to the Duke of Parma.
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00:00:28,487 --> 00:00:29,905
And-a that's good for you
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00:00:29,905 --> 00:00:33,492
because they got-a
the cheese money. [laughs]
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Anyway, I hope it's a successful marriage,
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00:00:36,286 --> 00:00:38,622
so that we can avoid a land war.
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00:00:38,622 --> 00:00:42,584
Please let your father know
that I make-a this message for you,
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00:00:42,584 --> 00:00:46,171
so he can put in a good word
with the Pope-a,
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00:00:46,171 --> 00:00:48,715
and the Pope doesn't torture me
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and stretch me out like-a string cheese-a,
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00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:54,721
bringing it back to the Duke of Parma.
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00:00:54,721 --> 00:00:58,267
Okay, much love and Pisa...
[emojis popping]
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00:00:58,267 --> 00:01:00,644
the leaning tower of.
[mimics trumpet]
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00:01:00,644 --> 00:01:03,647
♪ epic theme plays ♪
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00:01:07,109 --> 00:01:10,112
MEL:
History of the World, Part II!
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MEL:
Previously, on "The Civil War"...
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00:01:20,122 --> 00:01:22,040
No more alcohol.
26
00:01:22,040 --> 00:01:24,877
You are ready to join me
on a top-secret mission.
27
00:01:24,877 --> 00:01:26,503
We're going to West Virginia.
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GENERAL SHERIDAN:
General Grant was last seen
heading towards Rock Ridge.
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You three have been tasked
with bringing him back here.
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HARRIET TUBMAN: Hands up.
DIXON: Good Gravy, it's Harriet Tubman!
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We hate Yankees.
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- [guns cocking]
- Ouchie-wowchie. Okay...
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♪ dramatic sting ♪
34
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[church bell tolls]
[crowd chatter]
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Well, well, well, well,
well, well, well, well. [spits]
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[both groan]
37
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Ulysses Grant
and Honest Abe Lincoln's son.
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You picked the wrong saloon
to have a drink at.
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[laughing]
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[grumbles indistinctly]
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- What?
- What'd he say?
42
00:02:02,247 --> 00:02:04,208
I said! Have you got...
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[grumbles indistinctly]
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What are you saying?
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He said, "You got any last words?"
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Oh! Oh, last words. Yes. [clears throat]
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♪ dramatic music ♪
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May God save and protect our union.
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[townsfolk jeering]
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Yeah, that's right, eat shit.
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What about you, little Lincoln boy?
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So, you won't kill us
until we're done talking?
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Them the rules, boy.
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Is-is that a hard-and-fast rule?
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I always thought it was
more of a guideline.
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[gunshot]
[crowd gasps]
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Right in the kishkes! Ooh-ah!
[thud]
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- Oh boy. Okay.
- God.
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Come on. Come on, boy!
RT LINCOLN: Uh, okay...
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Uh... [deep inhale]
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00:02:45,582 --> 00:02:48,210
First of all, um,
I'd like to thank my parents.
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To Dad, you were always so tall.
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And Mom, everybody thought you were nuts,
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but really, to me, you were just Mom.
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[tepid clapping]
Thank you, but not done yet.
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[quiet chatter]
Thank you. Thank you.
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[train rumbling]
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00:03:03,809 --> 00:03:05,894
We made it! Rock Ridge!
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00:03:05,894 --> 00:03:07,938
DIXON: It looked a lot different
in Blazing Saddles.
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And, uh, to General Grant,
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- the man sitting next to me.
- No, no.
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You are my hero, you are my mentor,
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and now, you are my friend.
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Ah, I'm gonna cry!
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I'm gonna freaking cry.
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[laughing cry]
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♪
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It's them!
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- General Grant and RT?
- Are they in trouble?
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Oh, my God, they're so far away!
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- Turn it around.
- Turn it around.
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Ah! They're gonna hang 'em!
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00:03:40,888 --> 00:03:44,099
Okay, okay, okay.
I think the only move here
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00:03:44,099 --> 00:03:46,476
is to get back on Harriet's train
and go to Canada.
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learn manners, get healthcare,
pretend we like poutine.
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MINGOES:
Oh, I can't!
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I can't pretend I like
lukewarm cheese curds.
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HONEYBEARD:
There are no other options, Mingoes!
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00:03:53,025 --> 00:03:55,402
- Wait! I have an idea!
- Huh?
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- [whispers indistinctly]
- Oh!
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[whispers indistinctly]
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[inhales] It's just us.
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♪
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♪ electronic music plays ♪
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FEMALE NARRATOR:
Tell me there's gravity
without telling me there's gravity.
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Me? Galileo? I go first.
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[clang]
[yelling]
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Achoo!
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Ah!
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Mamma mia!
[wind blowing]
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Hey! I'm-a flying!
102
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A-gravity not so real!
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Oh no, I'm-a falling again!
[wind blowing]
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Why didn't I invent the parachute-a?
[emoji pops]
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♪ funk music ♪
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MEL:
"Shirley Chisholm."
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ANNOUNCER:
Previously, on Shirley!...
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- Mr. Nixon, you've inspired me...
- Well, great.
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To run for president!
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REPORTER [on TV]: Alabama governor
and presidential candidate
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George Wallace
is hospitalized after being shot.
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This is terrible! What do we do?
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We celebrate.
I'm making a Manhattan.
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♪ From Barbados to Brooklyn, then to DC ♪
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♪ She's the first Black congresswoman,
she's Shirley ♪
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♪ It's been a long, hard road,
but hope was never lost ♪
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00:05:07,766 --> 00:05:11,728
♪ 'Cause that girl Shirley's
unbought and unbossed ♪
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♪ Ooh, ooh, Shirley ♪
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00:05:15,732 --> 00:05:17,276
ANNOUNCER:
Shirley! is brought to you
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00:05:17,276 --> 00:05:20,529
by the actual presidential
candidate Shirley Chisholm
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00:05:20,529 --> 00:05:23,866
and filmed in front of
a live Black audience.
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00:05:23,866 --> 00:05:25,409
♪
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I need to go see Wallace.
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00:05:26,827 --> 00:05:29,121
What are you talkin' about?
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Uh-uh, Shirley, now,
the press is swarming the hospital.
126
00:05:32,082 --> 00:05:34,293
If you go visit that
cuckoo Klux Klansman...
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00:05:34,293 --> 00:05:36,503
[audience laughter]
...your campaign is over!
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00:05:36,503 --> 00:05:38,881
But, it's the Christian thing to do.
129
00:05:38,881 --> 00:05:40,674
Alright, th-that's it, that's it. Cut!
130
00:05:40,674 --> 00:05:42,009
Cut! Where's the director at?
131
00:05:42,009 --> 00:05:43,760
What's going on now?
Look, I know you guys have us
132
00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:45,304
doin' some crazy shit up in here,
133
00:05:45,304 --> 00:05:48,724
but why in the world would Shirley
go visit George Wallace at the hospital?
134
00:05:48,724 --> 00:05:52,352
Conrad, this is something
that actually happened.
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00:05:52,352 --> 00:05:54,479
- Really?
- Now get your butt over here,
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00:05:54,479 --> 00:05:55,606
and say your next line.
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00:05:55,606 --> 00:05:57,399
[scattered laughter]
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00:05:57,399 --> 00:06:01,195
Action. Alright, honey.
If you're goin', I'm goin' with you.
139
00:06:01,195 --> 00:06:04,698
- Me, too!
- How about you, Mama?
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00:06:04,698 --> 00:06:08,076
I'm sorry.
I can't hear you over the stirring.
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00:06:08,076 --> 00:06:09,494
[laughter, applause]
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♪
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CONRAD: Did I really need to be
disguised in a full-body cast?
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00:06:15,375 --> 00:06:16,877
[laughter]
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00:06:16,877 --> 00:06:18,712
It doesn't even look like Conrad!
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00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:20,923
I ain't putting on that thing.
I'm claustrophobic.
147
00:06:20,923 --> 00:06:23,842
- [indistinct announcement]
- This must be him.
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You two stand guard.
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00:06:25,594 --> 00:06:26,803
Oh!
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00:06:26,803 --> 00:06:29,598
I see you're going to check on
Governor Wallace.
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00:06:29,598 --> 00:06:31,391
Uh, yes, I'm going to check his...
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00:06:32,017 --> 00:06:33,143
oil?
153
00:06:33,143 --> 00:06:35,729
[laughter]
154
00:06:35,729 --> 00:06:37,856
Well then you wouldn't
mind administering
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00:06:37,856 --> 00:06:40,609
his next dose of painkiller
while you're at it.
156
00:06:41,276 --> 00:06:43,654
Uh, you sure I should be doing this?
157
00:06:43,654 --> 00:06:47,282
Yeah, it's the '70s.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
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I'm off to an interracial orgy
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where everyone will have a huge bush!
[audience laughing]
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♪ jazzy music ♪
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ANNOUNCER:
Shirley! will be right back
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00:06:59,878 --> 00:07:02,381
after a bunch of cigarette commercials.
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00:07:04,049 --> 00:07:07,386
♪ Jackass theme plays ♪
164
00:07:07,803 --> 00:07:11,223
I am Rasputin,
and this is the human cigarette.
165
00:07:11,223 --> 00:07:13,100
[laughter]
[Rasputin whimpering]
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00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:15,394
♪ Jackass theme plays ♪
167
00:07:15,394 --> 00:07:18,981
[laughter continues]
[dynamite hissing]
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00:07:18,981 --> 00:07:20,566
♪
169
00:07:20,566 --> 00:07:23,318
[spits] Oh! That did it!
[laughter]
170
00:07:23,318 --> 00:07:26,321
Oh-ho-ho! My bottom half's on fire!
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00:07:26,321 --> 00:07:28,615
[laughter continues]
Come on, guys, put out the fire!
172
00:07:28,615 --> 00:07:31,618
Relax, comrade,
we will give you golden shower.
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Oh! Ho ho!
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00:07:32,953 --> 00:07:36,415
[laughter continues]
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00:07:36,415 --> 00:07:38,458
Oh, not in my face, comrade!
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MEL:
Now, back to "The Civil War."
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00:07:44,506 --> 00:07:45,716
♪
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00:07:45,716 --> 00:07:48,135
RT: Let's see, um,
in the new, uh, bestseller--
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00:07:48,135 --> 00:07:49,928
I don't know if you guys
have heard of this new thing,
180
00:07:49,928 --> 00:07:53,724
it's called the dictionary.
Uh, Daniel Webster just wrote it. Um...
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00:07:53,724 --> 00:07:57,227
it defines honor as one
182
00:07:57,227 --> 00:08:00,689
who brings worth or respect or--
♪ play-off music ♪
183
00:08:00,689 --> 00:08:02,608
Okay, y-yeah. They're playing me off.
184
00:08:02,608 --> 00:08:06,153
Alright, I-I'm going. Um, there are
so many people I have to thank still.
185
00:08:06,153 --> 00:08:07,821
Um, everyone at UTA,
186
00:08:07,821 --> 00:08:10,782
Jared Levine, Jared Cohen,
Jared Cohenstein--
187
00:08:10,782 --> 00:08:13,076
- Okay, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
- Billy Rosenberg, David Greenbaum--
188
00:08:13,076 --> 00:08:15,954
Okay! Alright! Alright! That's enough.
We ain't got time for the Jew stuff.
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00:08:15,954 --> 00:08:18,498
- Okay, I'm still talking. I'm still--
- That's enough, little boy!
190
00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:19,708
That's enough, little boy.
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00:08:20,918 --> 00:08:21,793
Hang 'em!
192
00:08:21,793 --> 00:08:24,421
- [crowd cheering]
- Oh boy. Okay. Yeah, this is happening.
193
00:08:24,421 --> 00:08:27,341
This is happening right now.
Oh, they got a guy. They got a guy.
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00:08:27,341 --> 00:08:31,220
[bugle playing]
[confused chatter]
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00:08:31,595 --> 00:08:34,681
Ladies and gentlemen,
fresh from their stint in Europe,
196
00:08:34,681 --> 00:08:37,100
please welcome the Confederate Players!
197
00:08:37,768 --> 00:08:39,228
Let's bring up our emcee.
198
00:08:39,228 --> 00:08:42,314
He's First Nation and first in your heart.
199
00:08:42,314 --> 00:08:44,650
Give it up for Mingoes!
200
00:08:44,650 --> 00:08:48,362
[scattered applause]
201
00:08:48,362 --> 00:08:49,363
FLEETUS:
Oh, boy.
202
00:08:49,363 --> 00:08:53,325
- [mic feedback]
- Hi. I'm, uh, I'm Mingoes.
203
00:08:54,326 --> 00:08:56,370
Uh, so...
204
00:08:56,370 --> 00:08:58,872
I just came from St. Louis, and, uh...
205
00:08:59,790 --> 00:09:03,168
Oh wait, I was supposed
to say St. Louis, Missouri,
206
00:09:03,168 --> 00:09:06,046
because this joke is about
the Missouri Compromise and--
207
00:09:06,046 --> 00:09:07,422
[grumbles indistinctly]
208
00:09:07,798 --> 00:09:09,091
What, what?
209
00:09:09,091 --> 00:09:10,926
He said, "You suck, weirdo."
210
00:09:10,926 --> 00:09:14,179
[townsfolk agreeing]
211
00:09:14,179 --> 00:09:15,264
Go. You got it. You're good.
212
00:09:16,390 --> 00:09:18,517
Has anybody heard about this telegraph?
213
00:09:18,517 --> 00:09:20,435
Ah, go back home, weirdo!
214
00:09:20,435 --> 00:09:22,145
[townsfolk agreeing]
215
00:09:22,145 --> 00:09:24,982
Y-You know, I would love to,
216
00:09:24,982 --> 00:09:28,652
but a bunch of you colonizers
built an Ohio on top of my home.
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00:09:28,652 --> 00:09:32,322
[laughter]
218
00:09:33,323 --> 00:09:36,702
I-I mean, if you're
gonna genocide a people,
219
00:09:36,702 --> 00:09:39,329
you should get something better
out of it than Cleveland.
220
00:09:39,329 --> 00:09:42,416
[raucous laughter]
FLEETUS: That is a good observation!
221
00:09:43,333 --> 00:09:46,420
If your house is near
a river you can't pronounce,
222
00:09:46,420 --> 00:09:48,839
you might be a colonizer.
223
00:09:48,839 --> 00:09:52,259
[raucous laughter]
224
00:09:52,259 --> 00:09:54,052
HONEYBEARD:
It's working, Mingoes!
225
00:09:55,596 --> 00:09:57,639
[timidly]: Did I just find my voice?
226
00:09:57,639 --> 00:09:59,933
[mic feedback]
[confidently]: What else is going on here?
227
00:10:00,767 --> 00:10:03,020
Is anybody here from Atlanta?
[townsfolk cheering]
228
00:10:03,020 --> 00:10:06,273
Yeah? Well, your shit's on fire.
229
00:10:06,273 --> 00:10:09,067
[raucous laughter]
230
00:10:09,067 --> 00:10:11,069
Anyway, you guys
231
00:10:11,069 --> 00:10:14,489
have been a bunch of inbred demons
rotten to your core,
232
00:10:14,489 --> 00:10:17,618
but please welcome the Dixie Dicks!
233
00:10:17,618 --> 00:10:19,369
- [bugle playing]
- Dixie Dicks?
234
00:10:19,369 --> 00:10:21,997
DIXON: You know what to do, Mingoes.
MINGOES: On it!
235
00:10:21,997 --> 00:10:24,708
[cheering]
FLEETUS: Oh, yeah!
236
00:10:24,708 --> 00:10:27,419
Nice, a little music.
I like they do stand-up, then the music.
237
00:10:27,419 --> 00:10:29,379
Totally. We got a good view, too.
GRANT: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
238
00:10:29,379 --> 00:10:32,049
Boy, I'll tell you what,
it is good to be back in the South.
239
00:10:32,049 --> 00:10:34,092
[cheering]
240
00:10:34,092 --> 00:10:36,011
Yeah, we just got back from the North.
241
00:10:36,011 --> 00:10:38,472
[jeering]
242
00:10:38,472 --> 00:10:40,933
[whinnies]
[glass breaks]
243
00:10:40,933 --> 00:10:43,936
Jesus Christ.
Uh, you were saying something, though,
244
00:10:43,936 --> 00:10:46,647
- while we were leaving.
- Oh, I sure was, partner.
245
00:10:46,647 --> 00:10:48,899
- What was that thing you were saying?
- Well, Dix,
246
00:10:48,899 --> 00:10:52,819
I believe I said something like this.
247
00:10:52,819 --> 00:10:54,029
♪ strums banjo ♪
248
00:10:54,029 --> 00:10:57,199
♪ Well, I've traveled
this great land of ours ♪
249
00:10:57,199 --> 00:10:59,576
♪ And let me be the first ♪
250
00:10:59,576 --> 00:11:03,205
♪ To say them Yankee states
are among the greats... ♪
251
00:11:03,205 --> 00:11:04,540
[confused chatter]
252
00:11:04,540 --> 00:11:06,792
BOTH:
♪ Of all-time rotten worst ♪
253
00:11:06,792 --> 00:11:08,001
[cheering]
254
00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:08,919
♪ So, fuck the North ♪
255
00:11:08,919 --> 00:11:10,087
TOWNSFOLK:
Fuck the North!
256
00:11:10,087 --> 00:11:12,506
♪ Fuck that godforsaken North ♪
257
00:11:12,506 --> 00:11:14,299
♪ Come on, sing it loud and proud ♪
258
00:11:14,299 --> 00:11:15,551
♪ Fuck the North ♪
259
00:11:15,551 --> 00:11:16,677
TOWNSFOLK:
Fuck the North!
260
00:11:16,677 --> 00:11:19,137
♪ Massachusetts's
filled with snooty pricks ♪
261
00:11:19,137 --> 00:11:21,807
♪ New Jersey's a wretched hole ♪
262
00:11:21,807 --> 00:11:23,600
♪ And them fat cat porkers
they call New Yorkers ♪
263
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:25,727
♪ Disgust me to my soul ♪
264
00:11:25,727 --> 00:11:29,523
♪ Well, let Maine fuck off to Canada,
and I hope New Hampshire follows ♪
265
00:11:29,523 --> 00:11:32,192
♪ And Illinois sucks
great big donkey dicks ♪
266
00:11:32,192 --> 00:11:34,069
♪ While Michigan sucks and swallows ♪
267
00:11:34,069 --> 00:11:37,906
BOTH: ♪ So, forgive the hateful bile
that we spew forth ♪
268
00:11:37,906 --> 00:11:38,907
[spits]
269
00:11:38,907 --> 00:11:41,368
♪ But we hate them fucking fuckers,
fuck the North ♪
270
00:11:41,368 --> 00:11:44,037
TOWNSFOLK:
Fuck the North! [cheering]
271
00:11:44,037 --> 00:11:47,082
- This song is highly offensive.
- Yeah, but you gotta admit it slaps.
272
00:11:47,082 --> 00:11:49,501
RT: It is a bop.
[cheering]
273
00:11:49,501 --> 00:11:51,170
[gritted teeth]:
This is a fucking freak show.
274
00:11:51,170 --> 00:11:52,880
[gritted teeth]:
Time to save the day.
275
00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:54,840
Mingoes, we're running out
of states to sing about.
276
00:11:54,840 --> 00:11:56,466
♪ song continues ♪
277
00:11:56,466 --> 00:11:58,635
♪ Now, Wisconsin is a shithole ♪
278
00:11:58,635 --> 00:12:00,137
♪ Filled with lowlifes,
chumps, and, cheese ♪
279
00:12:00,137 --> 00:12:04,057
♪ And Minnesota reeks of Viking farts
even when it's two degrees ♪
280
00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:05,058
[fart]
281
00:12:05,058 --> 00:12:06,810
♪ I say piss on Pennsylvania ♪
282
00:12:06,810 --> 00:12:09,646
♪ With all them shakin' quakin' losers ♪
283
00:12:09,646 --> 00:12:11,940
♪ And Indiana's worst of all ♪
284
00:12:11,940 --> 00:12:13,942
BOTH:
♪ Just a bunch of goddamn Hoosiers ♪
285
00:12:13,942 --> 00:12:15,569
♪ So, fuck the North ♪
286
00:12:15,569 --> 00:12:16,570
TOWNSFOLK:
Fuck the North!
287
00:12:16,570 --> 00:12:17,863
♪ Yeah, fuck the lot ♪
288
00:12:17,863 --> 00:12:19,698
[cheering]
289
00:12:19,698 --> 00:12:21,617
Hey!
BOTH: Hm?
290
00:12:21,617 --> 00:12:23,785
♪ There ain't nothing worse
on God's green earth
than a goddamn Yankee twat ♪
291
00:12:23,785 --> 00:12:25,204
BOTH:
♪ Yeah, up above that Mason-Dixon ♪
292
00:12:25,204 --> 00:12:27,706
♪ They're all lowdown lying pricks and ♪
293
00:12:27,706 --> 00:12:30,417
♪ It's a land of snobs and dandies ♪
294
00:12:30,417 --> 00:12:32,419
♪ Dirty deviants sniffing panties ♪
295
00:12:32,419 --> 00:12:35,631
♪ I say fuck them fuckin' fuckers,
fuck the North! ♪
296
00:12:35,631 --> 00:12:36,673
TOWNSFOLK:
Fuck the North!
297
00:12:36,673 --> 00:12:38,842
♪ song crescendos, ends ♪
298
00:12:38,842 --> 00:12:39,843
♪ Woo-hoo! ♪
299
00:12:39,843 --> 00:12:43,680
[cheering, applauding]
300
00:12:43,680 --> 00:12:45,015
Thank you! We are
301
00:12:45,015 --> 00:12:47,392
three Union soldiers on a rescue mission!
302
00:12:47,392 --> 00:12:48,310
♪ dramatic sting ♪
303
00:12:48,310 --> 00:12:49,520
[gasping]
304
00:12:49,520 --> 00:12:52,022
I mean... The Confederate Players!
305
00:12:52,022 --> 00:12:54,358
Crabapples.
[guns cocking]
306
00:12:54,983 --> 00:12:56,777
Hey!
307
00:12:56,777 --> 00:12:58,779
What the hell we got here?
308
00:12:58,779 --> 00:12:59,821
♪ dramatic music ♪
309
00:12:59,821 --> 00:13:01,990
I got him! He was trying to escape!
310
00:13:01,990 --> 00:13:04,076
- Yeah? [spits]
- Gimme your gun.
311
00:13:04,076 --> 00:13:06,286
Yeah, get him. You can--
Wha-- Oh, no! Hell nah!
312
00:13:06,286 --> 00:13:07,412
Dammit.
313
00:13:12,459 --> 00:13:14,002
♪
314
00:13:14,002 --> 00:13:17,840
Hey, what's up-a, famiglia?
It's your boy-a Galileo.
315
00:13:17,840 --> 00:13:20,843
Boy, that gravity bit went more viral
316
00:13:20,843 --> 00:13:23,220
than syphilis at a Borgia orgy.
[sexual moaning]
317
00:13:23,220 --> 00:13:25,264
Hashtag "borgy,"
318
00:13:25,264 --> 00:13:27,558
which I understand is now trending?
319
00:13:27,558 --> 00:13:29,101
[laughs] LOL!
320
00:13:29,101 --> 00:13:32,020
But-a, now that I have-a your attention,
321
00:13:32,020 --> 00:13:33,480
I want to talk to you
322
00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:36,149
about how the Earth
revolve around the sun.
323
00:13:36,149 --> 00:13:38,402
I can prove it with a little something
324
00:13:38,402 --> 00:13:40,779
called a... telescope.
325
00:13:40,779 --> 00:13:44,199
You may not have heard of it
because I just invented it.
326
00:13:44,199 --> 00:13:45,659
[air horns blaring]
327
00:13:45,659 --> 00:13:46,994
♪
328
00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:49,329
♪
329
00:13:49,329 --> 00:13:51,123
MEL:
"The Yalta Conference."
330
00:13:51,123 --> 00:13:52,749
♪
331
00:13:52,749 --> 00:13:56,128
History is told in pictures,
and no one took those pictures
332
00:13:56,128 --> 00:13:59,256
like the famed historical
photographer Sergei
333
00:13:59,256 --> 00:14:02,718
alongside his perpetual plus-one, Clay.
[projector clicks]
334
00:14:02,718 --> 00:14:06,346
Watch him shoot Roosevelt,
Churchill, and Stalin
335
00:14:06,346 --> 00:14:09,892
as the three men try to end World War II.
336
00:14:09,892 --> 00:14:11,768
[shutter snapping]
JOSEPH STALIN: Please, Mr. Roosevelt,
337
00:14:11,768 --> 00:14:13,478
Berlin is in our quarter of the country.
338
00:14:13,478 --> 00:14:16,148
We will make sure is safe, not to worry.
[laughs]
339
00:14:16,148 --> 00:14:18,942
And who, Joseph,
would keep us safe from you?
340
00:14:18,942 --> 00:14:20,944
[overlapping chatter]
[sighs]
341
00:14:20,944 --> 00:14:23,447
[whispers]: The one in the middle
is driving me nuts!
342
00:14:23,447 --> 00:14:24,740
[Clay groans]
343
00:14:24,740 --> 00:14:28,911
Like, he's just got a dumb suit
like some bozo finance bro.
344
00:14:28,911 --> 00:14:30,537
- CLAY: Very bad.
- What do I do with him?
345
00:14:30,537 --> 00:14:33,123
- This guy is useless.
- I have an idea.
346
00:14:34,082 --> 00:14:35,125
Cape!
347
00:14:36,001 --> 00:14:37,002
Cape!
348
00:14:37,002 --> 00:14:39,046
Oh! You never cease to amaze me.
349
00:14:39,046 --> 00:14:40,881
Oh, my...
CLAY: Okay, come on.
350
00:14:40,881 --> 00:14:42,090
You're so smart!
351
00:14:42,090 --> 00:14:44,968
- Ooh! Who is my big cape boy?
- Uh, I, I am.
352
00:14:44,968 --> 00:14:46,595
[shutter snaps]
CLAY: Okay! [laughs]
353
00:14:46,595 --> 00:14:48,639
Daddy! [laughs]
354
00:14:48,639 --> 00:14:50,516
- Oh! Oh, oh!
- Yes!
355
00:14:50,516 --> 00:14:52,351
You saved the day!
STALIN: It looks good.
356
00:14:52,351 --> 00:14:54,353
I-I will also take a cape.
357
00:14:54,353 --> 00:14:55,521
No, you won't.
358
00:14:55,521 --> 00:14:57,731
You grabby bitch.
359
00:14:57,731 --> 00:15:00,859
[growls] Alright, everybody, come on!
Smile!
360
00:15:00,859 --> 00:15:03,570
[shutter snaps]
Ugh, repulsive.
361
00:15:03,570 --> 00:15:05,280
I gotta shake it up. Attention!
362
00:15:05,280 --> 00:15:07,115
♪ runway music ♪
363
00:15:07,115 --> 00:15:09,743
At ease.
Put your heads down.
364
00:15:09,743 --> 00:15:10,953
[shutter snaps]
365
00:15:10,953 --> 00:15:13,622
Look left. Look right.
[shutter snapping]
366
00:15:13,622 --> 00:15:15,082
You're at a party.
367
00:15:15,082 --> 00:15:16,500
[murmuring]
You don't know anyone.
368
00:15:16,500 --> 00:15:19,169
You're a little shy,
but you still make eye contact.
369
00:15:19,169 --> 00:15:21,255
Show me your pearly grays!
370
00:15:21,255 --> 00:15:22,506
[shutter snapping]
371
00:15:22,506 --> 00:15:24,341
Oh, fuck, girl. Look at that.
CLAY: Disgusting!
372
00:15:24,341 --> 00:15:26,176
- So terrifying.
- Ew!
373
00:15:26,176 --> 00:15:27,553
[laughter]
374
00:15:27,553 --> 00:15:29,096
You know what?
We're gonna fly in some props.
375
00:15:29,096 --> 00:15:30,722
You're in a band!
[shutter snaps]
376
00:15:30,722 --> 00:15:32,766
Girls' night!
[cheering]
377
00:15:32,766 --> 00:15:34,893
Oh, Dancing Diva, what are you up to?
[shutter snaps]
378
00:15:34,893 --> 00:15:38,856
Uh-oh! Winston, help her!
She's throwing up on the party bus!
379
00:15:38,856 --> 00:15:41,483
You caught a fish! That's a big fish!
[impressed murmuring]
380
00:15:41,483 --> 00:15:42,734
♪
381
00:15:42,734 --> 00:15:45,779
Eh, we'll just go with this one.
CLAY: Yeah, it'll work.
382
00:15:45,779 --> 00:15:47,865
Okay, I think we got it!
Thank you guys so much!
383
00:15:47,865 --> 00:15:49,908
This was so much fun!
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
384
00:15:49,908 --> 00:15:53,328
And hey, please, demilitarize Berlin.
[clapping]
385
00:15:53,328 --> 00:15:56,039
They need to work on their club scene
Am I right, you basic slut? [laughs]
386
00:15:56,665 --> 00:15:58,250
Please tell me
you found me a matcha latte.
387
00:15:58,250 --> 00:16:00,794
I had to go to the Starbucks
in the supermarket to get it.
388
00:16:00,794 --> 00:16:01,920
Uh, excuse me.
389
00:16:01,920 --> 00:16:03,964
Yes?
FRANKLIN ROOSEVELT: Sorry to interrupt.
390
00:16:03,964 --> 00:16:06,967
Do you shoot messy flag-raisings?
391
00:16:06,967 --> 00:16:09,803
Because we have something
coming up in Iwo Jima.
392
00:16:09,803 --> 00:16:11,722
Okay, you're embarrassing.
393
00:16:11,722 --> 00:16:14,933
But you're adorable!
Of course, we'll be there! Obvi!
394
00:16:14,933 --> 00:16:18,103
Baby, schedule some waxes,
we're going to...
395
00:16:18,103 --> 00:16:20,522
[grandiose]:
the South Pacific!
396
00:16:20,522 --> 00:16:21,982
Almost! Almost there!
397
00:16:21,982 --> 00:16:23,859
[shutter snaps]
CLAY: It's fabulous, daddy!
398
00:16:24,943 --> 00:16:27,154
♪ Ooh, ooh, Shirley ♪
399
00:16:27,154 --> 00:16:29,281
MEL:
Now, back to "Shirley Chisholm."
400
00:16:30,199 --> 00:16:33,619
ANNOUNCER: Tonight, on
a very special episode of Shirley!,
401
00:16:33,619 --> 00:16:37,331
playing White racist
Governor George Wallace
402
00:16:37,331 --> 00:16:40,876
is national treasure
comedian George Wallace.
403
00:16:40,876 --> 00:16:43,962
- [audience applauding]
- Nurse! Nurse!
404
00:16:43,962 --> 00:16:46,298
[audience cheering]
Nurse!
405
00:16:46,298 --> 00:16:48,050
I am not your nurse.
[laughter]
406
00:16:48,050 --> 00:16:50,177
Well, you sure as hell ain't my doctor!
407
00:16:50,177 --> 00:16:53,096
The only medical professional you need
408
00:16:53,096 --> 00:16:56,517
is an equine proctologist
because you, sir,
409
00:16:56,517 --> 00:16:58,185
are a horse's ass.
410
00:16:58,185 --> 00:17:01,813
- [audience laughing]
- Oh, my God, it's Shirley Chisholm!
411
00:17:01,813 --> 00:17:02,981
Oh, Lord, have mercy!
412
00:17:02,981 --> 00:17:04,107
Oh, oh, oh, oh!
413
00:17:04,107 --> 00:17:06,527
- [laughter]
- Now, you broke your bed!
414
00:17:07,152 --> 00:17:09,988
This hospital is so cheap,
when I got my operation for anesthesia,
415
00:17:09,988 --> 00:17:11,657
the doctor just said, "Go to sleep!"
416
00:17:11,657 --> 00:17:12,783
[audience laughing]
417
00:17:12,783 --> 00:17:14,868
You come here to finish the job?
You gonna kill me?
418
00:17:14,868 --> 00:17:16,745
I'm not here to finish the job.
419
00:17:16,745 --> 00:17:19,915
I'm here to say
I'm sorry for what happened.
420
00:17:19,915 --> 00:17:23,669
Well, I'm here as a racist
white man with a gunshot wound.
421
00:17:23,669 --> 00:17:25,963
Now, get your ugly ass outta here.
422
00:17:25,963 --> 00:17:28,799
[pained groaning]
[audience laughing]
423
00:17:28,799 --> 00:17:31,093
A little prick for a big one.
424
00:17:31,093 --> 00:17:33,053
[groans]
[audience laughter]
425
00:17:33,053 --> 00:17:36,473
Why, Shirley Chisholm,
in all my years, I have never...
426
00:17:37,224 --> 00:17:40,227
ever felt so...
427
00:17:40,227 --> 00:17:41,687
groovy.
428
00:17:41,687 --> 00:17:43,897
Well, now that you've gone from
429
00:17:43,897 --> 00:17:45,816
Jim Crow to Jim Morrison,
430
00:17:45,816 --> 00:17:49,152
maybe you and I can have
a real conversation, George.
431
00:17:49,152 --> 00:17:52,114
You got any of those little
funny cigarettes, Shirley?
432
00:17:52,114 --> 00:17:54,324
- [audience laughter]
- George, we need to change
433
00:17:54,324 --> 00:17:56,243
the political discourse in this country.
434
00:17:56,785 --> 00:17:58,412
America doesn't need
435
00:17:58,412 --> 00:18:00,998
more name-calling and gun fights.
436
00:18:00,998 --> 00:18:04,293
America needs strong leadership
437
00:18:04,293 --> 00:18:07,129
and more television channels.
[audience laughing]
438
00:18:07,129 --> 00:18:09,548
You know, Shirley, truth is...
439
00:18:09,548 --> 00:18:11,508
I'm scared.
AUDIENCE: Aw...
440
00:18:11,508 --> 00:18:15,304
I'm scared of giving power to the people
that we've done so much harm to.
441
00:18:15,304 --> 00:18:18,390
I'm scared that I'm not
really superior to anybody.
442
00:18:18,390 --> 00:18:21,560
And I'm scared of olives.
They look like little witches' eyes!
443
00:18:21,560 --> 00:18:23,854
They're going, "I'm gonna get you
and your little..."
444
00:18:23,854 --> 00:18:25,772
[babbling]
[audience laughing]
445
00:18:25,772 --> 00:18:27,733
This is some good shit.
446
00:18:27,733 --> 00:18:29,359
[audience laughing]
447
00:18:29,359 --> 00:18:31,528
Just promise me one thing, Shirley.
448
00:18:31,528 --> 00:18:33,488
Promise me no matter what happens,
449
00:18:34,489 --> 00:18:36,575
we will always be friends.
450
00:18:37,242 --> 00:18:39,369
I don't know about friends, George,
451
00:18:39,369 --> 00:18:41,455
but let's not be foes.
452
00:18:41,455 --> 00:18:43,624
[happy chuckling]
AUDIENCE: Aw...
453
00:18:43,624 --> 00:18:47,044
Uh, Dr. Chisholm? Um, the press is here.
454
00:18:47,044 --> 00:18:49,213
The press?
I said, I said, did you say the press?
455
00:18:49,213 --> 00:18:51,048
Oh, I can't be associated with you people.
456
00:18:51,048 --> 00:18:54,635
- Y'all go on and get outta here, okay?
- Well, I guess the drugs wore off.
457
00:18:54,635 --> 00:18:56,637
Wait. Before you leave,
458
00:18:56,637 --> 00:19:00,432
would you be a dear and empty my bedpan?
459
00:19:00,432 --> 00:19:03,310
Uh! If you think
Congresswoman Shirley Chisholm
460
00:19:03,310 --> 00:19:04,686
is gonna be your servant,
461
00:19:04,686 --> 00:19:06,104
- you got another...
- No, no, no, no, Flo.
462
00:19:06,104 --> 00:19:07,564
It would be my pleasure.
463
00:19:08,357 --> 00:19:11,610
Besides, it's the Christian thing to do.
464
00:19:11,610 --> 00:19:14,404
♪ jazzy music ♪
465
00:19:14,404 --> 00:19:17,115
[yelling]
466
00:19:17,115 --> 00:19:20,327
Let's get outta here.
[Flo laughing]
467
00:19:20,327 --> 00:19:22,788
[audience laughter]
CONRAD: Oh! Who's there?
468
00:19:22,788 --> 00:19:25,290
Where are you taking me?
I hope to the food court!
469
00:19:25,582 --> 00:19:29,086
I'll be performing at the world-famous
Laugh Factory in Las Vegas.
470
00:19:29,086 --> 00:19:30,504
You can go see the Blue Man
471
00:19:30,504 --> 00:19:32,172
or you can come see the Black man.
472
00:19:32,172 --> 00:19:34,508
[audience laughing]
473
00:19:34,508 --> 00:19:38,470
♪ Ooh, ooh Shirley ♪
474
00:19:41,932 --> 00:19:43,767
♪
475
00:19:43,767 --> 00:19:47,062
Ciao, famiglia.
It's-a your boy, Galileo.
476
00:19:47,062 --> 00:19:49,565
I know you have-a not
heard from me for a while,
477
00:19:49,565 --> 00:19:52,818
and that's because
I was arrested for heresy-a.
478
00:19:52,818 --> 00:19:57,906
But the truth is-a nobody love-a
the church more than-a me!
479
00:19:57,906 --> 00:20:01,034
Some of my best friends,
they're-a priests.
480
00:20:01,034 --> 00:20:03,579
My two daughters, they are nuns.
481
00:20:03,579 --> 00:20:05,622
[whip cracks]
Hashtag "Nun Dad."
482
00:20:05,622 --> 00:20:09,293
So, I'm-a gonna go take some time away,
483
00:20:09,293 --> 00:20:11,920
think about what I say.
484
00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:14,006
I'm-a so sorry.
485
00:20:14,006 --> 00:20:16,466
I-I don't mean any of it.
486
00:20:16,466 --> 00:20:20,262
I want to reflect on what I did
and think about the gravity
487
00:20:20,262 --> 00:20:22,973
of talking about gravity.
488
00:20:22,973 --> 00:20:25,267
And maybe one day, I can come back
489
00:20:25,267 --> 00:20:27,769
and just do goof-arounds
490
00:20:27,769 --> 00:20:29,479
like I used to do.
491
00:20:29,479 --> 00:20:30,939
[air horns blaring]
492
00:20:30,939 --> 00:20:32,774
That's it from me, Galileo.
493
00:20:32,774 --> 00:20:35,903
To all of you I say, uh, Pisa,
494
00:20:35,903 --> 00:20:37,487
Leaning Tower of.
[emoji pops]
495
00:20:38,405 --> 00:20:39,198
♪
496
00:20:39,198 --> 00:20:41,992
MEL:
Now, back to "The Civil War."
497
00:20:41,992 --> 00:20:45,954
♪ dramatic music ♪
498
00:20:45,954 --> 00:20:47,706
[birds screeching]
499
00:20:47,706 --> 00:20:49,208
ALL:
Shit.
500
00:20:49,208 --> 00:20:51,752
If you're about to hang
a Native American,
501
00:20:51,752 --> 00:20:53,670
you might be a colonizer.
502
00:20:54,796 --> 00:20:56,757
You're shaking, sir.
You nervous about dying?
503
00:20:56,757 --> 00:20:59,760
Nope. Need a drink. Got the DTs.
504
00:20:59,760 --> 00:21:01,887
By the way, great rescue mission.
505
00:21:01,887 --> 00:21:03,722
Oh, thank you.
That means a lot coming from you.
506
00:21:03,722 --> 00:21:05,349
I'm joking.
Look at us. We're fucked.
507
00:21:05,349 --> 00:21:08,393
Yeah, you dirty Yankee dogs
are guilty of espionage and treason!
508
00:21:08,393 --> 00:21:10,896
Plus, that song you sang,
that don't have a proper hook.
509
00:21:10,896 --> 00:21:12,940
It's a new type of song, okay?
510
00:21:12,940 --> 00:21:15,192
Hang 'em!
[townsfolk cheering]
511
00:21:17,236 --> 00:21:18,862
Oh, shit. Dying sober.
512
00:21:18,862 --> 00:21:20,822
I'm dying sober. Oh, this is the worst.
513
00:21:20,822 --> 00:21:23,825
[drums playing]
514
00:21:25,452 --> 00:21:28,622
[gun firing]
[all gasping]
515
00:21:28,622 --> 00:21:30,999
[gunshots continue]
RT: What's going on?
516
00:21:30,999 --> 00:21:32,626
We're escaping, that's what! Hyah!
517
00:21:32,626 --> 00:21:33,961
[horses whinnies]
518
00:21:33,961 --> 00:21:37,464
♪ triumphant Western music ♪
519
00:21:37,464 --> 00:21:39,591
[gunshot]
520
00:21:42,302 --> 00:21:44,888
Thought they was gonna
save Grant without my help.
521
00:21:44,888 --> 00:21:46,557
[scoffs] Dumbasses.
522
00:21:46,557 --> 00:21:49,226
[train whistling]
I'm comin', I'm comin'!
523
00:21:49,226 --> 00:21:52,062
[German accent]:
Hello? Hello, excuse me!
524
00:21:52,062 --> 00:21:54,189
Is this the train to JFK?
525
00:21:54,189 --> 00:21:55,649
What time is your flight?
526
00:21:55,649 --> 00:21:57,609
- Uh, 4:00!
- You'll never make it.
527
00:21:57,609 --> 00:21:59,695
[yelling in German]
528
00:21:59,695 --> 00:22:02,698
♪ Western music continues ♪
38540
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