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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,104 --> 00:00:05,357 MEL BROOKS: It's June 6th, 1944. 2 00:00:05,357 --> 00:00:06,942 [DISTANT EXPLOSIONS] D-Day. 3 00:00:06,942 --> 00:00:10,988 The Allied forces storm the beaches of Normandy. 4 00:00:10,988 --> 00:00:13,615 - [COMPASS CLICKING] - [PLANES FLYING OVERHEAD, GUNFIRE] 5 00:00:13,615 --> 00:00:17,286 Boys, we're gonna be storming Omaha Beach in a couple minutes. 6 00:00:17,286 --> 00:00:18,370 Be steady. 7 00:00:18,370 --> 00:00:20,247 It's time to find out what you're all made of. 8 00:00:20,247 --> 00:00:21,498 [LOUD EXPLOSION] 9 00:00:21,498 --> 00:00:22,708 Oh God. 10 00:00:22,708 --> 00:00:25,002 Oh. Just barfed in the corner over here, sir! 11 00:00:25,002 --> 00:00:28,755 Well, just try and keep it out the boat, okay? 12 00:00:30,215 --> 00:00:32,383 Private Tully, get a grip on your nerves! 13 00:00:32,383 --> 00:00:34,428 It's not nerves, sir. 14 00:00:34,428 --> 00:00:35,679 I get seasick. 15 00:00:35,679 --> 00:00:38,182 Well, just keep your eyes on the horizon. That goes for everyone. 16 00:00:38,474 --> 00:00:41,018 [RETCHING] 17 00:00:41,018 --> 00:00:42,561 Don't tell me you're seasick too, Johnson. 18 00:00:42,561 --> 00:00:43,979 No, sir! 19 00:00:43,979 --> 00:00:45,357 I think I just went a little too hard 20 00:00:45,358 --> 00:00:47,107 on the paté at dinner last night, sir. 21 00:00:47,107 --> 00:00:50,486 What? They didn't serve paté in the mess. 22 00:00:50,486 --> 00:00:51,862 Did you go AWOL last night? 23 00:00:51,862 --> 00:00:53,572 Yeah. [GROANS] 24 00:00:53,572 --> 00:00:54,615 Did any of you join him? 25 00:00:57,743 --> 00:00:59,870 I did, sir! Ah. 26 00:00:59,870 --> 00:01:01,538 I had a lot of oysters, 27 00:01:01,538 --> 00:01:04,458 and now that I think about it, they were pretty warm. 28 00:01:04,458 --> 00:01:06,627 Y'all defied orders and went to a restaurant? 29 00:01:06,627 --> 00:01:08,086 Sir, we're in Europe, 30 00:01:08,086 --> 00:01:10,255 and we just thought if it was gonna be our last meal, 31 00:01:10,255 --> 00:01:12,299 that it should be someplace special. 32 00:01:12,299 --> 00:01:13,967 We found this adorable little pub. 33 00:01:13,967 --> 00:01:16,220 - [BOTH RETCHING] - Oh God! 34 00:01:17,846 --> 00:01:20,766 Private Martinez, you go to this little dinner, too? 35 00:01:20,766 --> 00:01:23,310 No, sir, I wasn't invited, sir! And to be honest, 36 00:01:23,310 --> 00:01:25,270 it's kinda hurtful to find out in this manner. 37 00:01:25,270 --> 00:01:27,940 - Sorry, man. - Then, why the hell are you yakking then? 38 00:01:27,940 --> 00:01:29,858 I have a hair-trigger gag reflex, sir. 39 00:01:29,858 --> 00:01:31,485 If I see somebody puke, I'm puking right away. 40 00:01:31,485 --> 00:01:33,112 [RETCHING] 41 00:01:33,112 --> 00:01:34,738 Private Bryant, report! 42 00:01:34,738 --> 00:01:36,740 - Share! - I'm fine! 43 00:01:36,740 --> 00:01:39,535 - CAPTAIN HANKS: That's a direct order! - I don't wanna talk about it! 44 00:01:39,535 --> 00:01:41,411 He's not fine, sir. 45 00:01:41,411 --> 00:01:43,372 He's been this way since basic. 46 00:01:43,372 --> 00:01:45,791 Always after meals, if you catch my drift. 47 00:01:46,333 --> 00:01:47,584 So what do I do here? 48 00:01:48,085 --> 00:01:50,420 I-I don't know. Tell him he looks good in any size? 49 00:01:50,420 --> 00:01:52,589 Or maybe don't talk about his body at all, sir. 50 00:01:53,924 --> 00:01:56,468 Private Cooper, what is your major malfunction? 51 00:01:56,468 --> 00:01:59,429 Sorry, sir. I'm just a straight-up coward. 52 00:02:00,931 --> 00:02:02,349 I'm afraid of sharks. 53 00:02:02,349 --> 00:02:04,309 - Hair-trigger, sir. - [GUN CLICKING] 54 00:02:04,309 --> 00:02:06,019 Enough! 55 00:02:06,019 --> 00:02:08,188 No more vomit! 56 00:02:08,188 --> 00:02:11,316 Now, we are about to embark on the biggest military campaign 57 00:02:11,316 --> 00:02:13,610 in the history of the world part two! 58 00:02:13,610 --> 00:02:17,364 And I need you to just... [GROWLING] 59 00:02:17,364 --> 00:02:19,867 Captain, are you okay? 60 00:02:19,867 --> 00:02:21,410 No. 61 00:02:21,410 --> 00:02:23,662 - I just shit my dang pants. - Oh, no. 62 00:02:23,662 --> 00:02:27,124 [EPIC MUSIC] 63 00:02:31,295 --> 00:02:33,005 SOLDIER: Save it for the Nazis! 64 00:02:34,965 --> 00:02:37,968 [THEME SONG PLAYING] 65 00:02:41,221 --> 00:02:44,224 MEL: History of the World, Part II! 66 00:02:50,814 --> 00:02:52,107 [BIBLICAL MUSIC] 67 00:02:52,107 --> 00:02:54,109 MEL: The Story of Jesus. 68 00:02:57,529 --> 00:03:00,324 [ANGELIC VOCALS] 69 00:03:01,658 --> 00:03:04,661 [CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM THEME] 70 00:03:08,624 --> 00:03:12,377 [INSECTS CHIRPING] 71 00:03:12,377 --> 00:03:14,630 Mm. [SMACKS LIPS] Mm. 72 00:03:17,341 --> 00:03:18,884 Mm. Delicious. 73 00:03:18,884 --> 00:03:21,303 Luke, there it is! 74 00:03:21,303 --> 00:03:23,722 - Judas, what's goin' down? - How you doin', man? 75 00:03:23,722 --> 00:03:25,349 Man, I had to get me something in my belly, man. 76 00:03:25,349 --> 00:03:26,850 You know that last supper wasn't shit. 77 00:03:26,850 --> 00:03:28,936 [SIGHS] Didn't hit anything for me. 78 00:03:28,936 --> 00:03:30,479 Yeah. More like a Last Snack, right? 79 00:03:31,146 --> 00:03:33,816 Nothin' worse than goin' somewhere for a meal, 80 00:03:33,816 --> 00:03:35,651 and you gotta come the fuck home and eat again. 81 00:03:35,651 --> 00:03:37,694 It's like, what's the point? I could've just stayed home. 82 00:03:37,694 --> 00:03:38,946 - What's the fuckin' point? - I know. 83 00:03:38,946 --> 00:03:41,532 Jesus invites us over for dinner, and then what? 84 00:03:41,532 --> 00:03:44,618 It's like a bunch of small medi plates? One lamb meatball as an entrée? 85 00:03:44,618 --> 00:03:47,121 If you're gonna gimme one meatball, it better be a big-ass meatball. 86 00:03:47,121 --> 00:03:49,498 If it's not bigger than my head, I don't want it. 87 00:03:49,498 --> 00:03:51,917 - Look, I don't wanna complain. - Can't hate on Jesus. 88 00:03:51,917 --> 00:03:54,294 I can't hate on Jesus. I love being a disciple. 89 00:03:54,294 --> 00:03:56,505 But you go to one of these dinners, 90 00:03:56,505 --> 00:03:58,173 there's 11 other guys there 91 00:03:58,173 --> 00:04:00,634 who got plans that they want you to attend. 92 00:04:00,634 --> 00:04:02,678 - Did Peter corner you? - Of course, he did. 93 00:04:02,678 --> 00:04:04,138 [WHINY VOICE]: "You coming to my one-man show?" 94 00:04:04,138 --> 00:04:05,681 One-man fuckin' show, that's the worst! 95 00:04:05,681 --> 00:04:07,224 With a one-man show, you don't get the chance 96 00:04:07,224 --> 00:04:08,725 to see other people, other actors, and shit. 97 00:04:08,725 --> 00:04:10,519 You sitting there like, "This motherfucka again?" 98 00:04:10,519 --> 00:04:11,979 - I know. - This motherfucka again? 99 00:04:11,979 --> 00:04:13,063 - I know. - Ain't never leave! 100 00:04:13,063 --> 00:04:14,690 So he's always gonna be "this motherfucka again!" 101 00:04:14,690 --> 00:04:17,025 I know. I feel gross after that dinner. Do you know why? 102 00:04:17,025 --> 00:04:18,986 - Why? - All that feet washing. 103 00:04:18,986 --> 00:04:21,238 Why is everybody washing feet all the time? 104 00:04:21,238 --> 00:04:23,449 Why is Jesus obsessed with washing feet? 105 00:04:23,449 --> 00:04:24,658 - I don't like it. - It's unsanitary! 106 00:04:24,658 --> 00:04:26,785 - It's unsanitary. Thank you! - That's what it is. 107 00:04:26,785 --> 00:04:29,121 Thank you. I just don't like feet. 108 00:04:29,121 --> 00:04:31,957 I don't wanna wash 'em. I don't wanna look at 'em. 109 00:04:31,957 --> 00:04:33,333 I... don't like feet. 110 00:04:33,333 --> 00:04:34,835 - Oh, man. - You like feet? 111 00:04:34,835 --> 00:04:36,712 - I make love to a fuckin' foot. - Really? 112 00:04:36,712 --> 00:04:38,255 Oh, man. Well, two feet. 113 00:04:38,255 --> 00:04:40,215 - See, you're sitting in a yoga pose... - Yeah. Mm-hmm. 114 00:04:40,215 --> 00:04:42,885 ... you put both feet together, so that you create this. 115 00:04:42,885 --> 00:04:43,927 Oh, okay. 116 00:04:43,927 --> 00:04:45,471 Put a little lubricant in that motherfucka, 117 00:04:45,471 --> 00:04:47,473 and break them feet off. Break 'em off. 118 00:04:47,473 --> 00:04:49,266 Get the party started. You break your way up. 119 00:04:49,266 --> 00:04:50,684 [KNOCKING ON DOOR] 120 00:04:50,684 --> 00:04:52,811 What is this? Who knocks at this hour? 121 00:04:52,811 --> 00:04:56,064 That's why we put blood on the door frame! 122 00:04:56,064 --> 00:04:58,525 So you could pass over us! 123 00:04:58,525 --> 00:04:59,943 See? Pass over! 124 00:04:59,943 --> 00:05:01,862 [JAUNTY MUSIC] 125 00:05:01,862 --> 00:05:03,655 - Huh? - Uh-oh. It's the Ro-Ro. 126 00:05:03,655 --> 00:05:05,073 - [POLICE SIREN] - JUDAS: Roman soldiers? 127 00:05:05,073 --> 00:05:07,159 What are they doing here at this hour? 128 00:05:07,159 --> 00:05:09,369 [POLICE RADIO CHATTER] 129 00:05:09,828 --> 00:05:10,828 Judas Iscariot? 130 00:05:11,455 --> 00:05:14,041 - Nope, don't think he's, uh... - Right here. 131 00:05:14,041 --> 00:05:15,375 The fuck are you doing, man? 132 00:05:15,375 --> 00:05:16,919 Not gonna stand here and get profiled. 133 00:05:16,919 --> 00:05:18,545 ROMAN: I'm gonna cut straight to the chase. 134 00:05:18,545 --> 00:05:20,290 We've gotta arrest this Jesus character. 135 00:05:20,291 --> 00:05:21,465 He is a danger to the community. 136 00:05:21,465 --> 00:05:24,676 Whoa, whoa, h-hold the fuck up, Mr. Rooster Helmet. 137 00:05:24,676 --> 00:05:25,676 Cock-a-doodle-doo. 138 00:05:25,677 --> 00:05:27,137 I don't know what the fuck you talking about right now, 139 00:05:27,137 --> 00:05:29,389 but Jesus is all about the peace. 140 00:05:29,389 --> 00:05:31,642 Peace and love. He's all about peace and love. 141 00:05:31,642 --> 00:05:33,977 Judas, we know you were at the Last Supper. 142 00:05:33,977 --> 00:05:36,271 Everyone knows you're the most weaselly apostle. 143 00:05:36,271 --> 00:05:37,731 That feels antisemitic. 144 00:05:37,731 --> 00:05:39,942 What we don't know is what this Jesus looks like. 145 00:05:39,942 --> 00:05:41,693 Now, you identify him for us, 146 00:05:41,693 --> 00:05:44,196 and you will be richly compensated. 147 00:05:44,196 --> 00:05:45,614 Richly compensated? 148 00:05:45,614 --> 00:05:46,907 [PENSIVE MUSIC] 149 00:05:46,907 --> 00:05:47,908 Uh-huh. 150 00:05:49,535 --> 00:05:51,120 Hm... 151 00:05:51,120 --> 00:05:53,664 Eh? Mm-hmm? 152 00:05:55,582 --> 00:05:56,625 Hm. 153 00:05:58,252 --> 00:05:59,294 Eh? 154 00:06:00,337 --> 00:06:01,922 Okay, well... 155 00:06:01,922 --> 00:06:03,924 if I were to do it, and I'm not saying I would... 156 00:06:03,924 --> 00:06:06,093 - LUKE: Hypothetically speaking, of course. - Hypothetically speaking, 157 00:06:06,093 --> 00:06:07,678 if I were to do it... 158 00:06:08,720 --> 00:06:10,389 [SLURRED]: I mean, what would be in it for me? 159 00:06:10,389 --> 00:06:12,307 - Thirty pieces of silver. - [COINS JANGLING] 160 00:06:12,307 --> 00:06:14,351 [NORMAL VOICE]: Thirty pieces of silver? 161 00:06:14,351 --> 00:06:15,769 Mm... 162 00:06:15,769 --> 00:06:17,020 [SIGHS] 163 00:06:17,020 --> 00:06:19,606 I mean, I'm not gonna... I'm not gonna do it. 164 00:06:19,606 --> 00:06:21,275 Jesus is a good friend. He's a good friend of ours. 165 00:06:21,275 --> 00:06:23,360 - PETER: Right. - But, if I were to do it, 166 00:06:23,360 --> 00:06:25,028 how would I even identify him? 167 00:06:25,028 --> 00:06:26,572 You're the weasel. You tell me. 168 00:06:26,572 --> 00:06:28,949 Hey. Maybe slap him on the ass. 169 00:06:28,949 --> 00:06:30,617 - Slap him on the ass? - Yeah! 170 00:06:30,617 --> 00:06:32,661 Why don't I just give him a big fat kiss while I'm at it? 171 00:06:32,661 --> 00:06:34,288 ROMAN: Oh! That could work, yeah. 172 00:06:34,288 --> 00:06:36,582 - JUDAS: What? - Yeah. You give him a kiss, 173 00:06:36,582 --> 00:06:38,000 we swoop in... Gimme your hand. 174 00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:39,751 We swoop in and arrest him. 175 00:06:39,751 --> 00:06:40,878 [COINS CLINKING] 176 00:06:40,878 --> 00:06:42,838 Soldiers, march! 177 00:06:42,838 --> 00:06:45,340 - Keep marching a hole in the left! - [POLICE SIREN CHIRPS] 178 00:06:45,340 --> 00:06:46,675 Keep marching a hole in the right... 179 00:06:46,675 --> 00:06:48,302 Know what you can do with 30 pieces of silver? 180 00:06:48,302 --> 00:06:49,303 What? 181 00:06:49,303 --> 00:06:51,180 Buy one big-ass meatball. 182 00:06:51,180 --> 00:06:52,347 ♪ 183 00:06:52,347 --> 00:06:54,933 - We would have a nice dinner, wouldn't we? - Fuckin' right. 184 00:06:54,933 --> 00:06:57,269 - [COINS JANGLING] - [LAUGHING] 185 00:07:00,355 --> 00:07:01,356 ♪ 186 00:07:01,356 --> 00:07:03,108 MEL: Shirley Chisholm. 187 00:07:03,108 --> 00:07:05,694 [FUNK MUSIC] 188 00:07:05,694 --> 00:07:08,489 In 1968, Shirley Chisholm 189 00:07:08,489 --> 00:07:10,449 became the first Black woman 190 00:07:10,449 --> 00:07:13,035 elected to the United States Congress, 191 00:07:13,035 --> 00:07:16,747 serving Brooklyn, the home of me, and Jay-Z. 192 00:07:16,747 --> 00:07:18,999 Brooklyn represent, represent! 193 00:07:18,999 --> 00:07:20,709 I don't know what that means. 194 00:07:20,709 --> 00:07:23,378 Anyway, four years later, she ran for president, 195 00:07:23,378 --> 00:07:25,589 and this is that story. 196 00:07:25,589 --> 00:07:27,007 With a laugh track! 197 00:07:28,133 --> 00:07:29,384 [70S SITCOM MUSIC] 198 00:07:29,384 --> 00:07:32,679 ♪ From Barbados to Brooklyn, then to DC ♪ 199 00:07:32,679 --> 00:07:35,015 ♪ She's the first Black congresswoman ♪ 200 00:07:35,015 --> 00:07:37,518 ♪ She's Shirley, it's been a long, hard road ♪ 201 00:07:37,518 --> 00:07:39,186 ♪ But hope was never lost ♪ 202 00:07:39,186 --> 00:07:43,107 ♪ 'Cause that girl Shirley's unbought and unbossed ♪ 203 00:07:43,107 --> 00:07:45,776 ♪ Ooo, ooo, "Shirley!" ♪ 204 00:07:45,776 --> 00:07:47,945 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 205 00:07:47,945 --> 00:07:49,154 ANNOUNCER: Shirley is brought to you 206 00:07:49,154 --> 00:07:51,990 by the actual presidential candidate, Shirley Chisholm, 207 00:07:51,990 --> 00:07:55,285 and filmed in front of a live Black audience. 208 00:07:55,285 --> 00:07:57,663 [UPBEAT MUSIC] 209 00:07:57,663 --> 00:08:01,125 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 210 00:08:01,125 --> 00:08:04,128 How's my favorite first Black congresswoman? 211 00:08:04,128 --> 00:08:05,796 She's terrible. 212 00:08:05,796 --> 00:08:07,256 Nothing gets done in Congress, 213 00:08:07,256 --> 00:08:09,299 except for me getting screwed. 214 00:08:09,299 --> 00:08:11,969 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 215 00:08:11,969 --> 00:08:13,887 And speaking of getting screwed, 216 00:08:13,887 --> 00:08:15,973 how's my favorite dick? 217 00:08:15,973 --> 00:08:18,684 Did you solve the case of the missing circus elephant? 218 00:08:18,684 --> 00:08:20,394 Heh, sure did. Turns out, 219 00:08:20,394 --> 00:08:23,105 it was the evil Ringling Brother, Ding-A-Ling. 220 00:08:23,105 --> 00:08:25,649 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 221 00:08:25,649 --> 00:08:28,902 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 222 00:08:28,902 --> 00:08:30,654 I always thought of you as a clown. 223 00:08:30,654 --> 00:08:34,158 I guess now, my eyes have caught up with my brain. 224 00:08:34,158 --> 00:08:37,703 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 225 00:08:37,703 --> 00:08:39,746 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 226 00:08:39,746 --> 00:08:41,415 Ha, ha! 227 00:08:41,415 --> 00:08:43,041 Florynce Kennedy, 228 00:08:43,041 --> 00:08:45,711 why do you insist on coming through my window? 229 00:08:45,711 --> 00:08:47,421 Because you won't gimme a key. 230 00:08:47,421 --> 00:08:49,715 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 231 00:08:49,715 --> 00:08:51,175 So, what were y'all talking about? 232 00:08:51,175 --> 00:08:54,386 Oh, just how I'm fed up with Congress is all. 233 00:08:54,386 --> 00:08:57,890 You know, I wanna work on the problems of my constituents in Brooklyn. 234 00:08:57,890 --> 00:09:00,809 You know, healthcare, education, 235 00:09:00,809 --> 00:09:02,770 tickets to Marvin Gaye. 236 00:09:02,770 --> 00:09:04,563 FLORYNCE: As your chief advisor, 237 00:09:04,563 --> 00:09:07,065 you got to take this to the tippity-top! 238 00:09:08,275 --> 00:09:09,860 BOTH: Harry Belafonte? 239 00:09:09,860 --> 00:09:11,862 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 240 00:09:11,862 --> 00:09:14,656 No. To the president. 241 00:09:14,656 --> 00:09:17,117 You want me to call President Nixon? 242 00:09:17,117 --> 00:09:19,536 Well, there are a few things I'd like to call him, 243 00:09:19,536 --> 00:09:21,371 but they wouldn't clear standards and practices. 244 00:09:21,371 --> 00:09:22,956 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 245 00:09:22,956 --> 00:09:24,958 You know what? Maybe I will. 246 00:09:27,294 --> 00:09:30,798 [DIALING, DIAL TONE] 247 00:09:30,798 --> 00:09:32,800 Hello, is this the White House? 248 00:09:32,800 --> 00:09:35,052 This is Congresswoman Shirley Chisholm, 249 00:09:35,052 --> 00:09:38,514 and I would like to speak with President Nixon, please. 250 00:09:38,514 --> 00:09:40,682 Oh hello, Mr. President. 251 00:09:40,682 --> 00:09:44,144 I didn't realize that you answered your own phone. 252 00:09:44,144 --> 00:09:46,730 How... very not paranoid of you, sir. 253 00:09:46,730 --> 00:09:49,775 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 254 00:09:49,775 --> 00:09:51,985 Yes. Uh-huh. 255 00:09:51,985 --> 00:09:53,654 Tonight? 256 00:09:53,654 --> 00:09:55,280 7:30? 257 00:09:55,280 --> 00:09:56,865 My place? 258 00:09:56,865 --> 00:09:58,617 - Nothing too ethnic. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 259 00:09:58,617 --> 00:10:01,245 Yes! I can do that. 260 00:10:01,245 --> 00:10:02,496 Thank you. 261 00:10:03,622 --> 00:10:04,915 [HANGS UP PHONE] 262 00:10:04,915 --> 00:10:07,000 Guess who's coming to dinner? 263 00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:08,710 Will you two 264 00:10:08,710 --> 00:10:10,754 stop playing around and help me get dinner ready? 265 00:10:10,754 --> 00:10:12,798 [BOTH YELLING, GRUNTING] 266 00:10:12,798 --> 00:10:15,467 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 267 00:10:15,467 --> 00:10:18,887 - [PHONE FALLS OFF HOOK] - [STILTED]: Help! Help! Help! 268 00:10:18,887 --> 00:10:20,514 [AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING] 269 00:10:20,514 --> 00:10:22,266 ANNOUNCER: Shirley will be right back 270 00:10:22,266 --> 00:10:24,643 after these Black hair product commercials. 271 00:10:26,603 --> 00:10:27,646 [MILITARY MUSIC] 272 00:10:27,646 --> 00:10:30,691 MEL: Previously on The Civil War... 273 00:10:31,984 --> 00:10:35,112 No more alcohol until the war is over. 274 00:10:35,112 --> 00:10:36,321 [ANGRY GROWL] 275 00:10:36,321 --> 00:10:37,865 RT, come over here. 276 00:10:37,865 --> 00:10:39,700 There's my big, strong boy. 277 00:10:39,700 --> 00:10:42,327 You are ready to join me on a top-secret mission. 278 00:10:42,327 --> 00:10:44,788 I will follow you to the gates of hell, sir. 279 00:10:44,788 --> 00:10:47,458 It's worse than that, son. We're going to West Virginia. 280 00:10:47,458 --> 00:10:48,917 No! 281 00:10:51,753 --> 00:10:54,381 [WESTERN-STYLE MUSIC] 282 00:10:54,381 --> 00:10:56,884 RT [WHISPERING]: West Virginia is so much worse than I thought. 283 00:10:58,135 --> 00:11:00,012 Good call on losing the uniforms, sir. 284 00:11:00,012 --> 00:11:01,597 [WHISPERS]: Yeah, I know. I'm a general. 285 00:11:01,597 --> 00:11:03,640 This isn't my first secret mission. 286 00:11:03,640 --> 00:11:05,976 RT: What is the secret mission, by the way? 287 00:11:05,976 --> 00:11:08,020 We'll go to that saloon over there and have a quick drink. 288 00:11:08,020 --> 00:11:09,521 - Just try to blend in. - RT: Yes, sir. 289 00:11:09,521 --> 00:11:11,064 [SOUTHERN ACCENT]: Howdy! 290 00:11:11,064 --> 00:11:13,567 - RT: Howdy! - H... Say it with a Southern accent! 291 00:11:13,567 --> 00:11:15,235 - RT [SOUTHERN]: Howdy! - GRANT [SOUTHERN]: Howdy! 292 00:11:15,235 --> 00:11:17,613 - [IRISH ACCENT]: Howdy-do? [LAUGHS] - Not Irish! 293 00:11:17,613 --> 00:11:19,615 - [CAR LOCK BEEPING] - All right. And don't futz with the settings, 294 00:11:19,615 --> 00:11:21,533 please, thank you. Yeah. 295 00:11:21,533 --> 00:11:23,410 Now listen, RT. 296 00:11:23,410 --> 00:11:26,872 We gotta keep a low profile, okay? These people don't like our kind. 297 00:11:26,872 --> 00:11:28,165 Sagittarius? 298 00:11:28,999 --> 00:11:30,584 - Yankees! - Right. 299 00:11:30,584 --> 00:11:31,710 Of course, you're a Sagittarius. 300 00:11:31,710 --> 00:11:33,545 With Mercury in retrograde, it all makes sense. 301 00:11:33,545 --> 00:11:35,506 Just listen to me. Okay, be cool, 302 00:11:35,506 --> 00:11:38,509 and if anything's out of order, just split up, and I'll find you, okay? 303 00:11:38,509 --> 00:11:40,260 - RT: Yes, sir. - GRANT: [SIGHS] Shit. 304 00:11:40,260 --> 00:11:42,137 [OLD TIMEY PIANO] 305 00:11:42,137 --> 00:11:44,556 [SALOON CHATTER] 306 00:11:44,556 --> 00:11:45,724 [CHATTER STOPS] 307 00:11:45,724 --> 00:11:48,060 [STRAINING] 308 00:11:48,060 --> 00:11:49,812 [DOORS CREAKING] 309 00:11:49,812 --> 00:11:51,188 [GROANING] 310 00:11:51,188 --> 00:11:52,981 [GRUNTS] Oh! Jesus! 311 00:11:52,981 --> 00:11:55,025 [MUTTERS]: What was that? 312 00:11:55,025 --> 00:11:56,735 - [MUTTERS]: You said split up. - Not literally! 313 00:11:58,654 --> 00:11:59,655 [SIGHS] 314 00:12:00,739 --> 00:12:03,534 - Howdy! [LAUGHS] - Howdy. 315 00:12:03,534 --> 00:12:04,910 - [CHATTER RESUMES] - GRANT: Howdy to you. 316 00:12:04,910 --> 00:12:06,537 Howdy, just here for a drink. 317 00:12:06,537 --> 00:12:07,704 [PIANO RESTARTS] 318 00:12:07,704 --> 00:12:09,832 [DEEP VOICE]: Howdy. [CLEARS THROAT] 319 00:12:09,832 --> 00:12:11,834 [CLEARING THROAT] 320 00:12:11,834 --> 00:12:13,377 Hello, sir. I'd like one whiskey. 321 00:12:13,377 --> 00:12:15,170 Sir? Please? Hello! 322 00:12:15,170 --> 00:12:17,131 Okay, he looked me right in the eye. 323 00:12:17,131 --> 00:12:19,341 [WHISPERS]: Okay, sir. General. 324 00:12:19,341 --> 00:12:20,843 I have a strategy. 325 00:12:20,843 --> 00:12:22,594 - I think if we wanna properly blend in... - Yes. 326 00:12:22,594 --> 00:12:24,596 ... that we should be able to adopt new characters. 327 00:12:24,596 --> 00:12:25,973 - Okay. Yeah. - Okay? So, 328 00:12:25,973 --> 00:12:29,017 I think I should be Byron De La Étouffée, 329 00:12:29,017 --> 00:12:30,853 - prosperous tobacco magnate. - Okay. 330 00:12:30,853 --> 00:12:32,938 You can be Mint Julep De La Étouffée, 331 00:12:32,938 --> 00:12:34,189 - my son. - [ANNOYED GRUNT] 332 00:12:34,189 --> 00:12:35,816 Why would I be your son? 333 00:12:35,816 --> 00:12:37,568 In what universe does that make sense? 334 00:12:37,568 --> 00:12:39,319 I'm 20 years older than you. 335 00:12:39,987 --> 00:12:41,363 - Just an idea. - It's a bad idea. 336 00:12:41,363 --> 00:12:42,906 - Okay. - Okay, j-j-j-just sit here 337 00:12:42,906 --> 00:12:44,491 - and watch my back. - Yes, sir. 338 00:12:44,491 --> 00:12:45,868 Come to papa. 339 00:12:45,868 --> 00:12:47,536 - That's what I've been waiting for. - Buck up. 340 00:12:47,536 --> 00:12:50,998 What? What!? What are you... You are a psychopath, sir. 341 00:12:50,998 --> 00:12:54,042 - God, that is so weird. That's weird! - [RT CLEARS THROAT] 342 00:12:54,042 --> 00:12:55,669 MAN: Oh, you think that's weird, huh? 343 00:12:55,669 --> 00:12:57,421 [CHATTER, MUSIC STOPS] 344 00:12:57,421 --> 00:12:58,839 ♪ 345 00:12:58,839 --> 00:13:00,299 You think that's weird? 346 00:13:00,299 --> 00:13:02,593 WOMAN: Hoo, hoo, hoo! Yeah! 347 00:13:02,593 --> 00:13:04,428 [DRAMATIC BANJO] 348 00:13:04,428 --> 00:13:06,430 Hoo... wee! 349 00:13:06,430 --> 00:13:07,931 Mm, mm, mmm. 350 00:13:09,183 --> 00:13:11,059 I think you're weird. 351 00:13:13,437 --> 00:13:15,314 Who are you boys? [SPITS] 352 00:13:15,314 --> 00:13:17,107 [SOUTHERN ACCENT]: I am Byron De La Étouffée, 353 00:13:17,107 --> 00:13:19,109 - and this is my s... - [SOUTHERN ACCENT]: Friend! 354 00:13:19,109 --> 00:13:21,945 Uh, we stopped in here to wet our whistles and talk about 355 00:13:21,945 --> 00:13:24,281 - how much we love... cotton. - Yes. 356 00:13:24,281 --> 00:13:25,908 We love it. 357 00:13:25,908 --> 00:13:29,453 The touch, the feel, it is truly the fabric of our lives. 358 00:13:29,453 --> 00:13:31,497 ♪ 359 00:13:31,497 --> 00:13:33,832 Where are you boys from? 360 00:13:33,832 --> 00:13:36,919 Little town by yonder way called... 361 00:13:37,711 --> 00:13:39,213 Slaveburg. 362 00:13:40,297 --> 00:13:41,799 Slaveburg? 363 00:13:41,799 --> 00:13:43,592 I ain't never heard of no Slaveburg. 364 00:13:43,592 --> 00:13:45,469 [TENSE MUSIC] 365 00:13:45,469 --> 00:13:46,804 It's in Mississippi. 366 00:13:47,179 --> 00:13:49,932 - Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah... - That checks out. 367 00:13:49,932 --> 00:13:51,683 - That checks out. - WOMAN: We been there, we been there. 368 00:13:51,683 --> 00:13:53,352 Well, you two rebels, 369 00:13:53,352 --> 00:13:55,604 you must be very familiar with the game we play around here. 370 00:13:55,604 --> 00:13:58,941 A game that, uh, well... [LAUGHING] [PUTS DOWN SPITOON] 371 00:13:58,941 --> 00:14:01,110 It always ends up with somebody getting 372 00:14:01,110 --> 00:14:03,112 carried out those doors. 373 00:14:03,112 --> 00:14:04,363 [WHIP CRACK] 374 00:14:04,363 --> 00:14:06,615 - "Never Have I Ever." - [HAWK SCREECH] 375 00:14:06,615 --> 00:14:08,909 [SALOON CHEERING] 376 00:14:08,909 --> 00:14:11,245 [UPBEAT PIANO] 377 00:14:11,245 --> 00:14:12,454 [MAN LAUGHING] 378 00:14:12,454 --> 00:14:14,248 Oh hello, daddy. 379 00:14:14,248 --> 00:14:16,583 - Hey! First rule! - Ow! 380 00:14:16,583 --> 00:14:18,877 No drinking till we start. 381 00:14:18,877 --> 00:14:20,420 [GIGGLING] 382 00:14:20,420 --> 00:14:23,006 [GROANS] Okay. [SPITS] 383 00:14:23,006 --> 00:14:24,466 Second rule! 384 00:14:24,466 --> 00:14:26,218 You only drink if you've done the thing 385 00:14:26,218 --> 00:14:28,428 that the person whose turn it is said they've never done. 386 00:14:28,428 --> 00:14:30,055 FRIEND: That's right. 387 00:14:30,055 --> 00:14:32,641 Till the man whose turn it is takes a drink. 388 00:14:32,641 --> 00:14:34,726 Well then, I will go first, and I wanna say... 389 00:14:34,726 --> 00:14:37,187 - Ow! - No, no, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn! 390 00:14:37,187 --> 00:14:40,232 They only drink if no one's done the thing they said they'd never did. 391 00:14:40,232 --> 00:14:42,276 I thought if a person said they've never did the thing, 392 00:14:42,276 --> 00:14:44,069 they were lying, and therefore must drink. 393 00:14:44,069 --> 00:14:45,779 I actually think Glenn is correct... 394 00:14:45,779 --> 00:14:47,406 No, shut the fuck up, De La Étouffée! 395 00:14:47,406 --> 00:14:48,782 How many times we gon' go through this? 396 00:14:48,782 --> 00:14:50,868 Well, maybe you're bad at explaining it. 397 00:14:50,868 --> 00:14:53,203 Oh, let me get this straight, mister. You're trying to say 398 00:14:53,203 --> 00:14:55,330 I don't know the rules of "Never Have I Ever"? 399 00:14:55,330 --> 00:14:57,124 Maybe I am. What of it? 400 00:14:57,124 --> 00:15:00,127 [MUMBLING]: This the same reason why you're not on my charades team. 401 00:15:00,127 --> 00:15:02,087 GLENN: Maybe no one understands how to play the game 402 00:15:02,087 --> 00:15:04,548 'cause they can't understand what the fuck you're saying! 403 00:15:04,548 --> 00:15:06,550 - [INCOHERENT ANGRY MUMBLING] - GRANT: Okay, enough of this shit. 404 00:15:06,550 --> 00:15:08,969 How about this? Whiskey for everybody! 405 00:15:08,969 --> 00:15:11,638 - [EVERYONE CHEERING] - [OLD TIMEY MUSIC RETURNS] 406 00:15:11,638 --> 00:15:13,390 Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! 407 00:15:13,390 --> 00:15:15,100 What in blue blazes 408 00:15:15,100 --> 00:15:17,603 you doin' with a dirty Union greenback? 409 00:15:18,270 --> 00:15:20,647 Uh... [AWKWARD LAUGH] 410 00:15:20,647 --> 00:15:23,525 Well, I am a proud rebel 411 00:15:23,525 --> 00:15:26,069 who killed a Union soldier 412 00:15:26,069 --> 00:15:28,530 - and took his money. - [CROWD GASPS] 413 00:15:29,156 --> 00:15:30,491 Then, why's your face on it? 414 00:15:30,491 --> 00:15:31,992 [CROWD GASPS] 415 00:15:32,993 --> 00:15:36,205 That could be anybody. All white men with beards look alike, huh? 416 00:15:36,205 --> 00:15:37,247 What are you, racist? 417 00:15:37,998 --> 00:15:41,460 Yeah. That's pretty much our whole deal. 418 00:15:41,460 --> 00:15:43,420 We hate everything. 419 00:15:43,420 --> 00:15:46,381 People who turn classic movies into TV shows. 420 00:15:46,381 --> 00:15:48,050 Boat owners. 421 00:15:48,050 --> 00:15:49,802 - Sound effects. - GLENN: Redheads. 422 00:15:49,802 --> 00:15:52,471 - Deadheads! - For-profit universities. 423 00:15:52,471 --> 00:15:54,306 Novelty license plates. 424 00:15:54,306 --> 00:15:56,517 Picking people up from the airport! 425 00:15:56,517 --> 00:15:57,768 But most of all... 426 00:15:57,768 --> 00:16:00,354 - [GUNS COCKING] - All right. 427 00:16:00,354 --> 00:16:02,064 - ... Yankees. - [MENACING OZARK HARP] 428 00:16:02,064 --> 00:16:03,607 [BOSTON ACCENT]: Fuck Jeter! 429 00:16:03,607 --> 00:16:07,569 And you know what? Fuck Tom Brady and his fuckin' Tampa Bay 430 00:16:07,569 --> 00:16:09,655 fuckin' wherever he is now. 431 00:16:09,655 --> 00:16:11,448 Get that fuckin' thing outta here! What are you... 432 00:16:11,448 --> 00:16:12,448 [NO ACCENT]: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey... 433 00:16:12,449 --> 00:16:14,368 We gotta finish the scene, dude. 434 00:16:14,368 --> 00:16:16,870 Oh, you wanna finish the scene? Oh, I'm sorry, Your Highness. 435 00:16:16,870 --> 00:16:18,789 - Hollyweird! - Just don't engage. Don't engage. 436 00:16:18,789 --> 00:16:21,917 Why don't you get LeBron to finish it? Oh! He's injured! 437 00:16:21,917 --> 00:16:23,961 - Yankees. - RED SOX FAN: Get a real basketball player 438 00:16:23,961 --> 00:16:25,587 - like Larry fuckin' Bird. - [GUNS COCKING] 439 00:16:30,342 --> 00:16:32,845 MEL: The Mongolian Empire. 440 00:16:32,845 --> 00:16:35,806 [MYSTICAL MUSIC] 441 00:16:35,806 --> 00:16:39,393 In 1270, Marco Polo of Venice 442 00:16:39,393 --> 00:16:41,603 - travels the Silk Road... - Marco Polo! 443 00:16:41,603 --> 00:16:44,523 MEL: ... to meet the most feared emperor in the world, 444 00:16:44,523 --> 00:16:46,942 - [DOORS SHUT] - the great Kublai Khan. 445 00:16:46,942 --> 00:16:48,652 Get down. 446 00:16:48,652 --> 00:16:49,862 Go! 447 00:16:49,862 --> 00:16:51,864 On my knee... [LAUGHS] Good. Let's do this. 448 00:16:51,864 --> 00:16:53,740 MEL: If it goes well, 449 00:16:53,740 --> 00:16:56,368 trade between the East and the West will finally open. 450 00:16:56,368 --> 00:16:58,328 [GRUNTING, NERVOUS LAUGH] 451 00:16:58,328 --> 00:17:01,999 And if not, Polo could be "no-mo." 452 00:17:01,999 --> 00:17:03,083 You may rise. 453 00:17:03,083 --> 00:17:06,378 Oh, thank heavens. This was a little bit humiliating. 454 00:17:07,087 --> 00:17:09,131 What an honor to be here. Thank you. 455 00:17:09,131 --> 00:17:12,134 I bring you gifts as a gesture of our friendship. 456 00:17:12,676 --> 00:17:13,677 Swag! 457 00:17:13,677 --> 00:17:15,262 ♪ 458 00:17:15,262 --> 00:17:16,930 We call this shit silk. 459 00:17:17,306 --> 00:17:19,558 [EXCITED LAUGH] This is nice! 460 00:17:19,558 --> 00:17:21,101 [LAUGHING] What do you call what I'm feeling? 461 00:17:21,101 --> 00:17:22,519 What's the word for this? 462 00:17:22,519 --> 00:17:24,688 - Silky. - MARCO POLO: Oh, yes! 463 00:17:24,688 --> 00:17:26,857 You know what? If you put that right here, 464 00:17:26,857 --> 00:17:28,442 on, like, a nice suit? 465 00:17:28,442 --> 00:17:29,777 You'd never wait for a table again in your life. 466 00:17:29,777 --> 00:17:32,112 All right, Kublai's turn! 467 00:17:32,905 --> 00:17:34,948 Okay, so what do you have for me? 468 00:17:36,450 --> 00:17:37,701 MARCO: Okay. 469 00:17:37,701 --> 00:17:39,828 So keep in mind, I've been on the road for four and a half years, 470 00:17:39,828 --> 00:17:41,789 so there's a little bit of wear and tear, right? [LAUGHS] 471 00:17:41,789 --> 00:17:44,166 Okay, I got something great, you're gonna freak out. 472 00:17:44,666 --> 00:17:45,876 Put your hand out. 473 00:17:46,335 --> 00:17:50,047 I call this "shaky red." Shaky red, sir. 474 00:17:50,047 --> 00:17:51,799 What is shaky red? 475 00:17:51,799 --> 00:17:55,010 Hot peppers! That have been crushed. I'd be a little careful. 476 00:17:55,010 --> 00:17:57,262 There's a little bit of sand in there. The... 477 00:17:57,262 --> 00:17:59,556 The bottle broke in the desert. What do you honestly think? 478 00:17:59,556 --> 00:18:01,600 This is more of a pitch stage of the... 479 00:18:01,600 --> 00:18:03,268 [SHAKY RED SCATTERING] 480 00:18:03,268 --> 00:18:04,502 Okay, well do you have anything else? 481 00:18:04,503 --> 00:18:05,813 To be frank, that was kinda shitty. 482 00:18:05,813 --> 00:18:07,648 For you? Yes. I have a goat 483 00:18:07,648 --> 00:18:10,067 that was blessed by the Pope himself! 484 00:18:10,067 --> 00:18:12,152 - Oh, what? The Pope? - [LAUGHS] Yeah! 485 00:18:12,152 --> 00:18:13,779 - [LAUGHING] - Oh man, I heard all about that guy. 486 00:18:13,779 --> 00:18:15,906 The Pope Goat. Would love to meet this goat, where is it? 487 00:18:17,991 --> 00:18:19,576 MARCO: Shit. 488 00:18:19,576 --> 00:18:21,370 It's right here! 489 00:18:21,370 --> 00:18:23,831 We had to eat the actual goat a year and a half ago 490 00:18:23,831 --> 00:18:25,916 because we were starving to death, 491 00:18:25,916 --> 00:18:27,417 of course. 492 00:18:27,876 --> 00:18:30,003 - That's still blessed by... - So, 493 00:18:30,003 --> 00:18:32,798 they tell me you have, like, these scrolls of knowledge? 494 00:18:32,798 --> 00:18:34,967 I had to burn them, obviously, to cook the goat, 495 00:18:34,967 --> 00:18:36,343 so it was a catch-22. 496 00:18:36,343 --> 00:18:39,054 So, are you saying you brought nothing 497 00:18:39,054 --> 00:18:41,640 - for the Great Khan? - You know what I do have for you? 498 00:18:41,640 --> 00:18:43,934 - It's a game. - What is this game? 499 00:18:46,562 --> 00:18:48,355 It's "Marco Polo." 500 00:18:48,355 --> 00:18:50,399 And the way that you play is somebody closes their eyes, 501 00:18:50,399 --> 00:18:52,192 and th-they're looking for the other guy, 502 00:18:52,192 --> 00:18:55,154 and th-they're running around, they say "Marco!" 503 00:18:55,154 --> 00:18:57,239 And the other guy says "Polo!" 504 00:18:57,239 --> 00:18:59,992 It's a load of fun! It's better in a pool. 505 00:18:59,992 --> 00:19:01,118 You know what? Fuck this! 506 00:19:01,118 --> 00:19:03,495 All you brought me was some spicy sand 507 00:19:03,495 --> 00:19:05,539 and a dumbass game that you just made up? 508 00:19:05,539 --> 00:19:08,292 Please. It has been a crazy journey. 509 00:19:08,292 --> 00:19:10,085 There've been a lot of bumps on the road. 510 00:19:10,085 --> 00:19:11,920 Listen, Koobs, Koobs, hear me out. 511 00:19:11,920 --> 00:19:13,422 - Take him! - Koobs, Koobs! 512 00:19:13,422 --> 00:19:14,673 - Stop calling me Koobs! - No, no, no. 513 00:19:14,673 --> 00:19:16,550 Please don't do this. No! Whoa, whoa, whoa, please! 514 00:19:16,550 --> 00:19:18,343 Burn this motherfucker alive! 515 00:19:18,343 --> 00:19:20,262 No, no, please don't burn me alive! Don't burn me alive! 516 00:19:20,262 --> 00:19:22,264 - I wanna hear his guts popping! - I'll do anything! No, no, no! 517 00:19:22,264 --> 00:19:25,976 I'll suck my own dick! 518 00:19:25,976 --> 00:19:27,478 [GASPS] Please. 519 00:19:28,103 --> 00:19:29,104 [GASPS] 520 00:19:29,104 --> 00:19:30,939 [PANTING] 521 00:19:30,939 --> 00:19:33,442 [LAUGHING] 522 00:19:33,442 --> 00:19:34,651 We pranked you! 523 00:19:34,651 --> 00:19:36,361 You got Khan'd, bro! 524 00:19:36,361 --> 00:19:39,948 [PUNK'D-STYLE MUSIC] 525 00:19:39,948 --> 00:19:42,117 - What do you mean it's a prank? - It's a prank! 526 00:19:42,117 --> 00:19:43,869 We've been trying to think for the last four years 527 00:19:43,869 --> 00:19:46,497 - of some way to get you, and we got you! - [NERVOUS LAUGHING] 528 00:19:46,497 --> 00:19:47,998 Check it out, check it out. 529 00:19:47,998 --> 00:19:50,292 We got hidden charcoal artists everywhere. Look, we got one over here. 530 00:19:50,292 --> 00:19:52,002 - Ah? - Wonderful. 531 00:19:52,002 --> 00:19:53,962 And look, we got one over here! 532 00:19:53,962 --> 00:19:55,672 He's got your depiction here, too! 533 00:19:55,672 --> 00:19:57,966 I was genuinely terrified for my life. 534 00:19:57,966 --> 00:20:00,177 [MUSIC CONTINUES] 535 00:20:00,177 --> 00:20:01,553 I'll suck my own dick! 536 00:20:01,553 --> 00:20:02,554 [FADES OUT] 537 00:20:03,388 --> 00:20:04,765 [FUNK MUSIC] 538 00:20:04,765 --> 00:20:06,767 MEL: Shirley Chisholm. 539 00:20:08,560 --> 00:20:10,646 ANNOUNCER: Previously on Shirley... 540 00:20:10,646 --> 00:20:11,730 [DIALING] 541 00:20:11,730 --> 00:20:13,315 Oh hello, Mr. President. 542 00:20:13,315 --> 00:20:15,234 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHTER] - Guess who's coming to dinner? 543 00:20:15,234 --> 00:20:16,276 Mr. Nixon, 544 00:20:16,276 --> 00:20:19,363 what an immaculate honor to have you into my home. 545 00:20:19,363 --> 00:20:22,866 I invited my most charismatic and only friend, 546 00:20:22,866 --> 00:20:24,535 Secretary of State Henry Kissinger. 547 00:20:24,535 --> 00:20:26,578 - [AUDIENCE BOOING] - I brought a bundt cake. 548 00:20:26,578 --> 00:20:29,873 ♪ Ooo, ooo, Shirley! ♪ 549 00:20:29,873 --> 00:20:32,459 [AUDIENCE APPLAUDING, CHEERING] 550 00:20:32,459 --> 00:20:35,212 - Uh, Mother, will you be joining us? - Uh, let's see. 551 00:20:35,212 --> 00:20:38,674 Have dinner with two warmongering hogs, 552 00:20:38,674 --> 00:20:42,052 [SCATTERED LAUGHTER] or drink my martini by myself? 553 00:20:42,052 --> 00:20:44,138 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 554 00:20:44,138 --> 00:20:45,806 That woman is enchanting. 555 00:20:45,806 --> 00:20:47,975 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 556 00:20:47,975 --> 00:20:50,227 The reason I asked you here, Mr. President, 557 00:20:50,227 --> 00:20:53,647 is because I feel like I'm not getting anything done in Congress. 558 00:20:53,647 --> 00:20:56,066 Why, yes, Shirley. You see, ahem, 559 00:20:56,066 --> 00:20:57,901 Congress has no power. 560 00:20:57,901 --> 00:20:59,695 The only person who can get anything done 561 00:20:59,695 --> 00:21:01,780 is the President of the United States. 562 00:21:01,780 --> 00:21:04,074 The Commander-in-Chief. 563 00:21:04,074 --> 00:21:06,034 The King of the Free World. 564 00:21:06,034 --> 00:21:08,704 The Imperator of the Galaxy. 565 00:21:08,704 --> 00:21:11,415 Easy, Dick, don't let the cat out of the bag. 566 00:21:11,415 --> 00:21:13,000 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 567 00:21:13,000 --> 00:21:15,335 So you're saying that the only way I can get stuff done 568 00:21:15,335 --> 00:21:17,379 is if I'm president? 569 00:21:17,379 --> 00:21:20,132 That's right, Shirley. But, let's face it. 570 00:21:20,132 --> 00:21:21,425 That's not happening anytime soon. 571 00:21:21,425 --> 00:21:24,136 I mean, you're Black, Shirley, and a woman. 572 00:21:24,970 --> 00:21:28,182 Well, Mr. Nixon, you've inspired me. 573 00:21:28,182 --> 00:21:29,600 Well, great. 574 00:21:30,309 --> 00:21:32,227 To run for president! 575 00:21:32,227 --> 00:21:34,646 - [AUDIENCE CHEERING] - [LAUGHING] 576 00:21:34,646 --> 00:21:37,399 Well, Henry, it finally happened, I never thought it would. 577 00:21:37,399 --> 00:21:38,984 A lady made me laugh. 578 00:21:38,984 --> 00:21:41,945 - [SCATTERED BOOS] - Unlike you, I am no joke. 579 00:21:41,945 --> 00:21:44,698 I am unbought and unbossed! 580 00:21:44,698 --> 00:21:46,784 - [AUDIENCE CHEERING] - Well! 581 00:21:46,784 --> 00:21:50,287 Miss Chisholm, we'll just see. Good day. 582 00:21:50,287 --> 00:21:52,956 Now, Henry, let's return to the White House. 583 00:21:52,956 --> 00:21:54,833 Your mother reminds me of a woman 584 00:21:54,833 --> 00:21:57,336 I met in Transylvania in 1403. 585 00:21:57,336 --> 00:21:58,545 Please give her my number. 586 00:21:58,545 --> 00:22:01,215 666-6666. 587 00:22:01,215 --> 00:22:03,801 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - [DOOR SHUTS] 588 00:22:03,801 --> 00:22:07,179 So, looks like I'm running for president. 589 00:22:07,179 --> 00:22:08,263 - [AUDIENCE CHEERING] - Shirley, 590 00:22:08,263 --> 00:22:10,057 I wish you would've talked to me about this. 591 00:22:10,057 --> 00:22:11,308 That's a big decision. 592 00:22:11,308 --> 00:22:13,268 Conrad, it's a TV show. 593 00:22:13,268 --> 00:22:16,438 We have to move the story along at a faster pace than real life. 594 00:22:16,438 --> 00:22:18,023 - [LAUGHTER] - Hm. 595 00:22:18,023 --> 00:22:20,067 Like a workout montage? 596 00:22:20,067 --> 00:22:20,818 ♪ 597 00:22:20,818 --> 00:22:24,696 ♪ Ooo, ooo, Shirley! ♪ 598 00:22:29,076 --> 00:22:30,494 ♪ 599 00:22:30,494 --> 00:22:32,496 MEL: Jesus Christ. 600 00:22:34,748 --> 00:22:38,377 Meanwhile, back in Jerusalem... [INSECTS CHIRPING] 601 00:22:38,377 --> 00:22:42,047 [WHIMSICAL MUSIC] 602 00:22:42,047 --> 00:22:43,507 [RESTAURANT CHATTER] 603 00:22:43,507 --> 00:22:46,885 - Hey, barkeep? Two hot wines, please. - BARKEEP: Coming right up, boss. 604 00:22:47,970 --> 00:22:51,098 - [LUKE SIGHS] - So? What did we think about the show? 605 00:22:51,098 --> 00:22:53,392 Worst shit I have ever seen in my life. 606 00:22:53,392 --> 00:22:56,270 Right? Did you notice when he was in the "hospital scene," 607 00:22:56,270 --> 00:22:57,813 - he's in the bed? - Yeah. 608 00:22:57,813 --> 00:22:59,148 He fell asleep, right? 609 00:22:59,148 --> 00:23:01,275 Was that acting or was he really fuckin' sleeping? 610 00:23:01,275 --> 00:23:03,068 I don't know, but it's contagious 611 00:23:03,068 --> 00:23:05,279 - 'cause then I fall asleep. - You gotta have intermission. 612 00:23:05,279 --> 00:23:06,905 People gotta get up and stretch their legs 613 00:23:06,905 --> 00:23:09,074 a-and go out and stand in front of the fuckin' theater 614 00:23:09,074 --> 00:23:11,410 a-and smoke a hookah or some shit like that. 615 00:23:11,410 --> 00:23:13,370 Peter thinks it's good. He thinks this show is good. 616 00:23:13,370 --> 00:23:16,540 He thinks he's gonna tape this for a Netfish special! 617 00:23:16,540 --> 00:23:18,917 If this was on Netfish, I would cancel my subscription. 618 00:23:18,917 --> 00:23:21,253 Fuck yeah. Hey, I just can't believe 619 00:23:21,253 --> 00:23:23,213 that you're gonna betray Jesus tonight. 620 00:23:23,213 --> 00:23:27,092 What? I'm not gonna betray Jesus. What are you talking about? 621 00:23:27,092 --> 00:23:28,677 Fuck me, what am I talking about? You took the money! 622 00:23:28,677 --> 00:23:32,097 I had to take the money. Peter made us pay for this one-man show. 623 00:23:32,097 --> 00:23:34,057 We're his friends. We should be comped. 624 00:23:34,057 --> 00:23:38,270 And that is what the fuck you call a betrayal! 625 00:23:38,270 --> 00:23:39,646 - MAN: Betrayal? - What? 626 00:23:39,646 --> 00:23:41,607 Betrayal? Who are you gonna betray? [SHUSHING] 627 00:23:41,607 --> 00:23:43,525 No, what are you guys talking about? 628 00:23:43,525 --> 00:23:45,611 - Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing. - Who's getting betrayed? 629 00:23:45,611 --> 00:23:47,696 No, no, no, there's no betrayal happening. 630 00:23:47,696 --> 00:23:49,531 - It's fine. - Okay. So, what'd you think of the play? 631 00:23:49,531 --> 00:23:51,950 LUKE: You were up there trying really hard. 632 00:23:51,950 --> 00:23:52,950 And the details about your family. 633 00:23:52,951 --> 00:23:55,037 H-how your dad was a... was a Galilean, 634 00:23:55,037 --> 00:23:58,707 a-and your mom was a Moabite? A-and the fact that you had therapy? 635 00:23:58,707 --> 00:24:00,042 - Fucked me up. - Thank you, man. 636 00:24:00,042 --> 00:24:02,044 - You see me. You see me. - I saw you. 637 00:24:02,044 --> 00:24:04,129 - What'd you think, Judas? - I think 638 00:24:04,129 --> 00:24:07,216 I didn't like to have to pay for tickets to my friend's one-man show. 639 00:24:07,216 --> 00:24:10,636 Well, I'm sorry I didn't get comps. What am I, a money lender? 640 00:24:10,636 --> 00:24:12,346 So, what'd you think of the show? 641 00:24:12,346 --> 00:24:14,723 Eh... Not for me. 642 00:24:14,723 --> 00:24:17,518 - Well, Jesus loved it. - JUDAS: Please. 643 00:24:17,518 --> 00:24:19,353 Jesus loves everything. The guy can't stop saying, 644 00:24:19,353 --> 00:24:21,730 "Oh, I love this." He's just looking for followers. 645 00:24:21,730 --> 00:24:24,149 [LAUGHS] Look at Jesus over there. Look at him. 646 00:24:24,149 --> 00:24:25,943 Absolutely woofing down 647 00:24:25,943 --> 00:24:27,319 that bacon cheeseburger. 648 00:24:27,319 --> 00:24:29,863 - PETER: Oh, it looks so good. - JUDAS: Bacon cheeseburger? 649 00:24:29,863 --> 00:24:31,573 Hold on, that's not kosher. 650 00:24:31,573 --> 00:24:33,826 Wait, none of the food here is kosher. 651 00:24:33,826 --> 00:24:35,744 PETER: Oh please, let him sin. 652 00:24:35,744 --> 00:24:38,539 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold the fuckin' phones. 653 00:24:38,539 --> 00:24:41,583 Wait a minute, I just ate a bacon-wrapped scallop and baby back ribs. 654 00:24:41,583 --> 00:24:44,169 You mean to tell me none of this shit is kosher? 655 00:24:44,169 --> 00:24:46,171 You know what, I'm fuckin' livid! 656 00:24:46,171 --> 00:24:49,091 As a Jew, I'm livid! 657 00:24:49,091 --> 00:24:50,634 You know what? I'm gonna plotz! 658 00:24:50,634 --> 00:24:52,344 I can understand why you're pissed 659 00:24:52,344 --> 00:24:54,471 because something is going on with this Jesus guy. 660 00:24:54,471 --> 00:24:56,974 He's trying to phase out his Judaism. 661 00:24:57,683 --> 00:24:59,226 - Really? - Yeah! 662 00:24:59,226 --> 00:25:00,727 LUKE: Yeah, that fool's up to somethin'. 663 00:25:00,727 --> 00:25:02,688 Yeah, I bet he's gonna grow back his foreskin, too. 664 00:25:02,688 --> 00:25:04,898 What? You can grow back your foreskin? 665 00:25:04,898 --> 00:25:06,733 Fuck yeah, you can do that. My cousin did that. 666 00:25:06,733 --> 00:25:08,444 He put a clothespin on the tip of that shit. 667 00:25:08,444 --> 00:25:09,862 Oh, that's impossible. 668 00:25:09,862 --> 00:25:11,780 No, you gotta tie a string onto the thing, 669 00:25:11,780 --> 00:25:13,907 and then... and then, you got a weight down there, 670 00:25:13,907 --> 00:25:15,617 and the weight is gonna pull the string off, 671 00:25:15,617 --> 00:25:17,202 and you have to sleep standing up. 672 00:25:17,202 --> 00:25:19,121 - Uh-huh. - Not for me, baby. Not for me. 673 00:25:19,121 --> 00:25:21,582 - Oh, really? Not for you? - Nope. 674 00:25:21,582 --> 00:25:24,209 - LUKE: Lotta detail for an innocent man. - JUDAS: Wait, he's going to the bathroom. 675 00:25:24,209 --> 00:25:25,294 Do I do a foreskin check? 676 00:25:25,294 --> 00:25:28,464 - Should I go and get cockfirmation? - Yeah. Oh yeah. 677 00:25:28,464 --> 00:25:30,382 - Go in there and peep that pecker. - PETER: And find out 678 00:25:30,382 --> 00:25:33,677 - how he avoids peeing on the weight. - Yeah. 679 00:25:33,677 --> 00:25:35,888 - Yeah, I've heard that it happens... - Oh, you've heard that? 680 00:25:35,888 --> 00:25:38,682 - No, I've read it in some scrolls! Yes! - JUDAS: Oh, you've read it in some scrolls? 681 00:25:38,682 --> 00:25:40,309 - Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure. - [DOOR OPENS] 682 00:25:41,268 --> 00:25:43,979 [SIGHS] There he is! JC! 683 00:25:43,979 --> 00:25:46,106 Judas, hey. Hey, I could swear to my dad 684 00:25:46,106 --> 00:25:47,608 - I locked that door. - Oh, yeah? 685 00:25:47,608 --> 00:25:49,860 So, what'd you think of Peter's one-man show? 686 00:25:49,860 --> 00:25:51,320 - [URINATING] - Yeah, I liked it, yeah. 687 00:25:51,320 --> 00:25:53,113 I mean, what's not to like? I got free tickets, right? 688 00:25:53,113 --> 00:25:55,199 - Free ticket? Free. - Yeah. 689 00:25:55,199 --> 00:25:56,909 Comped. 690 00:25:56,909 --> 00:25:58,327 [OVER-ENUNCIATED]: Comped. 691 00:25:58,327 --> 00:25:59,703 What does "comped" stand for? 692 00:25:59,703 --> 00:26:01,246 - Complimentary. - Complimentary! 693 00:26:01,914 --> 00:26:04,750 I wish I could be more complimentary of Peter's one-man show. 694 00:26:04,750 --> 00:26:07,544 - [LAUGHS] - Judas. Judge not, lest you be judged. 695 00:26:08,962 --> 00:26:10,631 Not bad. You just come up with that? 696 00:26:10,631 --> 00:26:11,965 Eh... Thanks. 697 00:26:13,300 --> 00:26:16,053 [CASUAL PENSIVE MUSIC] 698 00:26:16,053 --> 00:26:19,431 [URINATING] [SIGHS] 699 00:26:19,431 --> 00:26:22,226 Whoa! Hey! Hot piss! Judas, you're pissing on my feet! 700 00:26:22,226 --> 00:26:24,937 - What? No! What? No! - Yes! Yes! 701 00:26:24,937 --> 00:26:27,106 - I was just checking! - Checking what? 702 00:26:27,106 --> 00:26:28,607 Just to get cockfirmation! 703 00:26:28,607 --> 00:26:30,818 Judas, you pissed on my feet! 704 00:26:30,818 --> 00:26:32,820 I gotta go back to the party. 705 00:26:32,820 --> 00:26:34,404 No, you don't... What... You... 706 00:26:34,404 --> 00:26:35,572 - Judas. - Ah, ah, ah! 707 00:26:35,572 --> 00:26:36,865 I know you hear me. 708 00:26:36,865 --> 00:26:38,158 [INHALES, BLOWS] 709 00:26:38,158 --> 00:26:39,368 Oh, you just gonna let the blower... 710 00:26:39,368 --> 00:26:40,826 He's gonna blow your hands for 30 seconds. 711 00:26:40,827 --> 00:26:41,827 You're just not gonna look at me? 712 00:26:41,828 --> 00:26:43,455 I know you hear me! I am in your head! 713 00:26:43,455 --> 00:26:46,041 Sorry, I only have big pieces of silver. Ah. 714 00:26:46,041 --> 00:26:47,501 - JESUS: Judas! - PETER: Okay, so, 715 00:26:47,501 --> 00:26:49,253 what did you think of my accents? 716 00:26:49,253 --> 00:26:51,421 You didn't take me anywhere. You gotta take someone somewhere... 717 00:26:51,421 --> 00:26:53,048 Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go, gotta go... 718 00:26:53,048 --> 00:26:54,716 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Fuck you mean we gotta go? 719 00:26:54,716 --> 00:26:56,844 Judas! What the fuck? 720 00:26:56,844 --> 00:26:58,220 [DRAMATIC MUSIC] 721 00:26:58,220 --> 00:27:01,306 - You peed on my son's feet? - [CROWD GASPS] 722 00:27:01,306 --> 00:27:03,559 Mother Mary, may I explain? 723 00:27:03,559 --> 00:27:04,601 No, you may not! 724 00:27:04,601 --> 00:27:06,562 I did not not have sex 725 00:27:06,562 --> 00:27:09,148 and give birth in a dirty-ass manger 726 00:27:09,148 --> 00:27:12,943 for you to urinate on the Son of God! 727 00:27:12,943 --> 00:27:15,028 She thinks her son's God? The mother's definitely Jewish. 728 00:27:15,028 --> 00:27:17,239 [FORCED LAUGH] Okay! 729 00:27:17,239 --> 00:27:19,992 I want you to get on your knees 730 00:27:19,992 --> 00:27:21,535 and wash his feet. 731 00:27:21,535 --> 00:27:24,204 - Ooh. - I don't know. 732 00:27:24,204 --> 00:27:26,707 [LAUGHS] You raggedy bitch. 733 00:27:26,707 --> 00:27:29,251 You want me to wash the pee-pee off of his feet? 734 00:27:29,251 --> 00:27:30,836 - Yes. - That's what you would like? 735 00:27:30,836 --> 00:27:32,796 I just wanna confirm, so we're on the same page here. 736 00:27:32,796 --> 00:27:35,257 - Yes! - Luke, what do you think? 737 00:27:35,257 --> 00:27:37,634 [QUIETLY]: If someone pissed on my fuckin ' sandals, 738 00:27:37,634 --> 00:27:38,927 they wipin' that shit off. 739 00:27:38,927 --> 00:27:40,471 JUDAS: Okay, well, that's a betrayal. 740 00:27:40,471 --> 00:27:43,098 I mean, the guy lays hands on lepers, 741 00:27:43,098 --> 00:27:45,392 and you're worried about a little pee-pee on his feet? 742 00:27:45,392 --> 00:27:48,103 You're really... You're gonna make me do this? 743 00:27:48,103 --> 00:27:51,482 MAN: Do it already! Enough with the talking! 744 00:27:51,482 --> 00:27:54,943 [WHIMSICAL MUSIC] 745 00:27:54,943 --> 00:27:56,445 It's just feet, they're gross. 746 00:27:56,445 --> 00:27:58,113 Do you guys like... Anybody here like feet? 747 00:27:58,113 --> 00:28:01,074 Whatever the opposite of a foot fetish is what I have! 748 00:28:01,074 --> 00:28:02,409 Hey, Jesus... 749 00:28:02,409 --> 00:28:05,537 - I've sinned... I'm a sinner... - JESUS: Mm-hmm. 750 00:28:05,537 --> 00:28:07,039 I'm repenting... 751 00:28:07,039 --> 00:28:09,500 I don't wanna wash your feet... 752 00:28:09,500 --> 00:28:11,543 - [GENTLE CRY] - Rise, my son. 753 00:28:11,543 --> 00:28:12,836 - What? - I forgive you. 754 00:28:12,836 --> 00:28:15,714 - MARY: Uh-uh! - It's okay, Mama. It's okay. 755 00:28:15,714 --> 00:28:17,341 Take back your dirty fuckin' rag. 756 00:28:17,341 --> 00:28:19,885 This is my guy! 757 00:28:19,885 --> 00:28:21,470 Jesus! 758 00:28:21,470 --> 00:28:24,890 This guy, he's not even a guy! This guy's a God! Come here! 759 00:28:24,890 --> 00:28:27,976 - [LOUD KISS, LAUGH] - ROMAN: The kiss is a signal! 760 00:28:27,976 --> 00:28:30,020 - That's Jesus! Get him! - JUDAS: What? 761 00:28:30,020 --> 00:28:31,063 JESUS: Wait, what? No! 762 00:28:31,063 --> 00:28:33,315 - You betrayed me? Mom! Mom! - No! 763 00:28:33,315 --> 00:28:34,942 - Oh! - JESUS: Tell my story! 764 00:28:34,942 --> 00:28:38,112 Oh, it was Jesus you were gonna betray! 765 00:28:38,112 --> 00:28:40,072 - [CROWD BOOING] - No, this wasn't a betrayal kiss! 766 00:28:40,072 --> 00:28:43,158 No! This was a thank you kiss, not a betrayal kiss! 767 00:28:43,158 --> 00:28:44,368 Luke! Luke! 768 00:28:44,368 --> 00:28:46,161 You're in trouble! 769 00:28:46,161 --> 00:28:47,704 No! Look at all these feet! 770 00:28:47,704 --> 00:28:51,041 - [CURB THEME SONG PLAYING] - Judas Iscariot, forever unclean! 771 00:28:51,041 --> 00:28:52,584 This is too much! [CROWD YELLING] 772 00:28:53,502 --> 00:28:56,505 [CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM THEME CONTINUES PLAYING] 773 00:30:06,533 --> 00:30:08,619 - Who is this? - It's your mama. 774 00:30:08,619 --> 00:30:11,038 If you are my mother, what is your last name? 775 00:30:11,622 --> 00:30:13,791 - WATSON: Bell. - It's my mother. That confirms it. 776 00:30:13,791 --> 00:30:16,627 NARRATOR: Tomorrow night, the landmark event continues. 777 00:30:16,627 --> 00:30:18,796 What are we gonna do about Lenin? 778 00:30:18,796 --> 00:30:21,965 I serve sandwiches to Vladimir Lenin and all of his comrades. 779 00:30:21,965 --> 00:30:24,468 I am losing my damn mind. 780 00:30:24,468 --> 00:30:26,720 - Jesus Christ! - [CLUCKS] 781 00:30:26,720 --> 00:30:30,015 - I've done a really interesting drawing. - Don't they look like penises? 782 00:30:30,015 --> 00:30:32,684 - Whoa, someone wants to sleep with their father. - What? 783 00:30:32,685 --> 00:30:37,685 - Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com - 56016

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