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1
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See, Stan?
You gotta choose
2
00:00:42,034 --> 00:00:43,801
if you wanna be
in Gryffindor or Slytherin.
3
00:00:43,802 --> 00:00:45,703
Yeah, can I do it?
4
00:00:45,704 --> 00:00:47,772
Yeah, see, you gotta fight
these fairy guys.
5
00:00:47,773 --> 00:00:49,006
Randy.
6
00:00:50,476 --> 00:00:51,776
Randy!
7
00:00:51,777 --> 00:00:53,311
The powder room
toilet is broken.
8
00:00:53,312 --> 00:00:54,512
Again!
9
00:00:54,513 --> 00:00:56,047
Did you jiggle the handle?
10
00:00:56,048 --> 00:00:57,482
Yes, I jiggled the handle.
11
00:00:57,483 --> 00:00:59,384
Will you come fix this, please?
12
00:00:59,385 --> 00:01:01,519
Okay, okay.
13
00:01:07,126 --> 00:01:09,160
Huh, well, let's see.
14
00:01:09,161 --> 00:01:12,830
It's gotta be the little
black floaty thingie.
15
00:01:12,831 --> 00:01:13,965
What'd you do to it?
16
00:01:13,966 --> 00:01:15,633
I didn't do anything.
17
00:01:15,634 --> 00:01:17,001
Lemme see if there's
water in the bowl.
18
00:01:17,002 --> 00:01:19,036
No!
Don't lift the lid.
19
00:01:19,037 --> 00:01:20,838
Why can't I lift the lid?
20
00:01:20,839 --> 00:01:23,641
Don't, Randy!
Uh-huh.
21
00:01:23,642 --> 00:01:25,743
Hey, guys!
Your mom took a shit
22
00:01:25,744 --> 00:01:27,211
and doesn't want me to see it.
23
00:01:27,212 --> 00:01:29,213
Ew!
Gross, Dad!
24
00:01:29,214 --> 00:01:32,016
Randy!
We need to get a new toilet.
25
00:01:32,017 --> 00:01:34,385
We can't just get rid
of Ol' Blue, Sharon.
26
00:01:34,386 --> 00:01:35,920
This is embarrassing.
27
00:01:35,921 --> 00:01:39,023
It's the powder room toilet,
the one guests use.
28
00:01:39,024 --> 00:01:40,558
You get a new toilet, Randy,
29
00:01:40,559 --> 00:01:43,494
or I'm not helping you
sell weed anymore!
30
00:01:43,495 --> 00:01:45,930
Alright, alright.
Sharon, you win.
31
00:01:45,931 --> 00:01:47,132
As usual.
32
00:01:49,001 --> 00:01:50,369
Poor Ol' Blue.
33
00:01:58,444 --> 00:02:00,211
Can I help you with anything?
34
00:02:00,212 --> 00:02:03,014
Oh, yeah, just lookin' for a new
toilet to replace Ol' Blue.
35
00:02:03,015 --> 00:02:05,183
Alright, well, all our toilets
here are standard bowl,
36
00:02:05,184 --> 00:02:06,350
come with full warranty.
37
00:02:06,351 --> 00:02:07,752
How much you looking to spend?
38
00:02:07,753 --> 00:02:09,120
Well I'm not poor.
39
00:02:09,121 --> 00:02:11,222
I happen to have
my own weed business.
40
00:02:11,223 --> 00:02:13,458
So that's pretty much
the nicest one you have, right?
41
00:02:13,459 --> 00:02:15,126
Yeah, that's probably
the top model, you know,
42
00:02:15,127 --> 00:02:18,429
before you start getting
into the Japanese toilets.
43
00:02:18,430 --> 00:02:19,797
Japanese toilets?
44
00:02:19,798 --> 00:02:21,566
Yeah, they're the sort of
the super-high-class
45
00:02:21,567 --> 00:02:23,301
luxury models with all
the bells and whistles.
46
00:02:23,302 --> 00:02:25,870
But you probably don't wanna
spend that kind of money.
47
00:02:25,871 --> 00:02:27,605
I'm not poor.
48
00:02:27,606 --> 00:02:30,408
Oh, well,
we can show them to you.
49
00:02:30,409 --> 00:02:32,578
The Japanese toilets
are right over there.
50
00:02:38,217 --> 00:02:39,550
Hi, Rick.
This gentleman
51
00:02:39,551 --> 00:02:41,419
would like to see
the Japanese toilets.
52
00:02:41,420 --> 00:02:43,588
Well, of course, sir.
My name is Rick.
53
00:02:43,589 --> 00:02:45,591
Let me know if there's
anything you need.
54
00:02:47,726 --> 00:02:50,061
These toilets are all equipped
with the highest-end features,
55
00:02:50,062 --> 00:02:51,729
including an automatic
bidet system,
56
00:02:51,730 --> 00:02:54,232
bluetooth capability,
and seat warmers.
57
00:02:54,233 --> 00:02:56,567
Seat warmers?
Of course.
58
00:02:56,568 --> 00:02:58,336
And the toilet senses
when you've come into the room,
59
00:02:58,337 --> 00:03:00,471
turns on a small light,
plays welcome music,
60
00:03:00,472 --> 00:03:02,073
and raises the lid for you.
61
00:03:02,074 --> 00:03:04,809
Can I offer you come
sparkling water or champagne?
62
00:03:04,810 --> 00:03:07,178
Oh, sure,
I'll take some champagne.
63
00:03:07,179 --> 00:03:08,980
All the toilet's functions
are operated
64
00:03:08,981 --> 00:03:11,182
by a touch-button remote
which you mount
65
00:03:11,183 --> 00:03:13,351
where the toilet-paper roll
used to go.
66
00:03:13,352 --> 00:03:15,419
So then where do you keep
the toilet paper?
67
00:03:15,420 --> 00:03:18,689
With a Japanese toilet,
you don't need toilet paper.
68
00:03:18,690 --> 00:03:21,059
The toilet washes you
completely clean.
69
00:03:23,195 --> 00:03:24,795
You're mad.
70
00:03:24,796 --> 00:03:26,531
No, it's true.
71
00:03:26,532 --> 00:03:28,165
It has warm water and a dryer
72
00:03:28,166 --> 00:03:31,003
and cleans you eight times
better than toilet paper can.
73
00:03:32,871 --> 00:03:35,373
Would you like to take one
for a test drive?
74
00:03:35,374 --> 00:03:36,674
Oh, uh, sure.
75
00:03:36,675 --> 00:03:38,776
I did have kind of
a big breakfast.
76
00:03:38,777 --> 00:03:40,178
Right over here.
77
00:04:01,900 --> 00:04:03,535
Oh.
78
00:04:06,171 --> 00:04:07,805
Whoa!
79
00:04:07,806 --> 00:04:09,974
Ooh.
Oh, oh! Oh.
80
00:04:09,975 --> 00:04:11,409
Ahhh!
81
00:04:11,410 --> 00:04:13,678
Oh, oh!
82
00:04:20,919 --> 00:04:22,887
Ohh! Oh.
83
00:04:27,559 --> 00:04:31,562
Okay, how much?
84
00:04:31,563 --> 00:04:34,932
Guys, I wanted to talk to you
because I want you all
85
00:04:34,933 --> 00:04:37,436
to think about how
we're viewed as a family.
86
00:04:38,904 --> 00:04:41,672
You know, as a prominent
weed dealer, we are successful,
87
00:04:41,673 --> 00:04:44,275
and we're sort of looked up to
in this town
88
00:04:44,276 --> 00:04:48,412
because we have nice things
that most families can't afford.
89
00:04:48,413 --> 00:04:50,381
I mean, Stan, you're playing
"Hogwarts Legacy"
90
00:04:50,382 --> 00:04:52,016
on PS5, right?
91
00:04:52,017 --> 00:04:54,085
You're playing
"Hogwarts Legacy" on a PS5.
92
00:04:54,086 --> 00:04:56,554
Yeah, my... my point is
that most people in town
93
00:04:56,555 --> 00:04:58,189
don't even have a PS5.
94
00:04:58,190 --> 00:04:59,790
They still have PS4s,
95
00:04:59,791 --> 00:05:03,061
and so we're basically
the Kennedys of South Park.
96
00:05:04,196 --> 00:05:07,732
And the plain fact is
that well-off families
97
00:05:07,733 --> 00:05:09,133
have nice things,
98
00:05:09,134 --> 00:05:11,202
and we shouldn't be
ashamed of that.
99
00:05:11,203 --> 00:05:13,271
Ohp! New toilet's here!
100
00:05:15,540 --> 00:05:18,776
Hajimemashite.
Japanese Torei des!
101
00:05:18,777 --> 00:05:20,911
Uh, yes, thank you.
Bring it on in.
102
00:05:20,912 --> 00:05:23,981
Kyo fun yori! Kro fun yori!
103
00:05:23,982 --> 00:05:28,986
Kyo fun yori!
Kro fun yori! Kro fun yori!
104
00:05:28,987 --> 00:05:31,756
That's the new toilet?
How much did it cost?
105
00:05:31,757 --> 00:05:34,492
Oh, Sharon.
Tennish.
106
00:05:34,493 --> 00:05:36,927
What's tennish?
Tennish.
107
00:05:36,928 --> 00:05:39,296
Thousandish.
Ten thousandish.
108
00:05:39,297 --> 00:05:42,500
You spent $10,000 on a toilet?!
109
00:05:42,501 --> 00:05:44,568
We don't have
that kind of money, Randy!
110
00:05:44,569 --> 00:05:45,970
Yeah, we do.
111
00:05:45,971 --> 00:05:47,838
Shitsurei Shimasu!
Owarimashita.
112
00:05:47,839 --> 00:05:49,674
Okay, yeah, right here?
Okay.
113
00:05:53,278 --> 00:05:55,346
Doomo!
Aringanto gozaimashita!
114
00:05:55,347 --> 00:05:57,114
Aringato gozaimashita!
115
00:05:57,115 --> 00:05:58,617
K, thanks.
116
00:06:03,755 --> 00:06:06,290
You are taking that back
to the store.
117
00:06:06,291 --> 00:06:07,625
Try it, Sharon.
118
00:06:07,626 --> 00:06:09,093
I don't need to, Randy.
I want...
119
00:06:09,094 --> 00:06:10,661
Try it, Sharon!
120
00:06:21,873 --> 00:06:23,641
Oh. Oh.
121
00:06:25,043 --> 00:06:27,378
Oh! Ohh!
122
00:06:27,379 --> 00:06:28,946
Ah-ha-ha!
123
00:06:28,947 --> 00:06:29,980
I wanna try it.
124
00:06:29,981 --> 00:06:31,115
Shhh!
125
00:06:31,116 --> 00:06:32,616
Ah-ho-ho!
126
00:06:32,617 --> 00:06:34,719
Ohh!
127
00:06:40,325 --> 00:06:41,692
Oh, look, there he goes.
128
00:06:41,693 --> 00:06:43,361
It's Mr. Big Shot.
129
00:06:45,330 --> 00:06:46,997
Hey, Richie Rich.
You eating caviar
130
00:06:46,998 --> 00:06:48,734
for lunch today, Richie Rich?
131
00:06:52,704 --> 00:06:55,707
Stan, just so you know,
nobody gives a shit.
132
00:06:57,476 --> 00:06:58,976
About what?
133
00:06:58,977 --> 00:07:00,178
Come on, guys!
134
00:07:02,981 --> 00:07:05,416
Did you know some people
can't even afford to eat?
135
00:07:05,417 --> 00:07:08,453
How about caring for something
that matters, you bitch?
136
00:07:09,654 --> 00:07:11,422
What the?
137
00:07:11,423 --> 00:07:13,991
Hey, Stan, you really
have to be careful.
138
00:07:13,992 --> 00:07:15,659
Of what?
139
00:07:15,660 --> 00:07:17,495
Look, it's great that you come
from a wealthy family,
140
00:07:17,496 --> 00:07:19,764
but people don't like getting
their noses rubbed in it.
141
00:07:19,765 --> 00:07:22,566
Dude, I haven't
even said anything!
142
00:07:22,567 --> 00:07:24,235
Well, your dad called
everyone last night
143
00:07:24,236 --> 00:07:26,670
and told them you have
a $10,000 toilet.
144
00:07:26,671 --> 00:07:27,806
What?!
145
00:07:29,274 --> 00:07:31,942
Well, thanks for having us
over for brunch, Randy.
146
00:07:31,943 --> 00:07:34,345
Yeah, what's
the special occasion?
147
00:07:34,346 --> 00:07:37,715
Oh, you know, just good times
with dear friends.
148
00:07:37,716 --> 00:07:39,850
Does anyone need
to go to the bathroom?
149
00:07:39,851 --> 00:07:41,619
Uh, no, I'm... I'm good.
150
00:07:41,620 --> 00:07:43,387
Oh, maybe some
more coffee, then.
151
00:07:43,388 --> 00:07:45,856
Can you guys believe
all the snow we've gotten?
152
00:07:45,857 --> 00:07:48,025
Yeah, maybe it will actually
help with the drought.
153
00:07:48,026 --> 00:07:49,226
Let's hope so.
154
00:07:49,227 --> 00:07:52,463
Does anyone need
a bathroom break?
155
00:07:52,464 --> 00:07:54,865
Well, actually, I-I think
I could use the restroom.
156
00:07:54,866 --> 00:07:56,467
That was kind of
a big breakfast.
157
00:07:56,468 --> 00:07:58,135
Oh! Oh, yeah, sure!
It's, uh...
158
00:07:58,136 --> 00:07:59,303
It's right across the hallway.
159
00:07:59,304 --> 00:08:01,406
Right there.
Excuse me.
160
00:08:07,412 --> 00:08:09,246
Oh.
161
00:08:09,247 --> 00:08:10,915
What was that?
162
00:08:10,916 --> 00:08:13,484
Oh, that's the welcome music
for my Japanese toilet.
163
00:08:13,485 --> 00:08:15,920
I've heard of those.
Aren't they expensive?
164
00:08:15,921 --> 00:08:17,421
Yeah, a bit.
165
00:08:17,422 --> 00:08:19,123
But for those of us
who can afford it,
166
00:08:19,124 --> 00:08:20,624
it's well worth it.
167
00:08:20,625 --> 00:08:22,760
Oh! Ohhh!
168
00:08:22,761 --> 00:08:24,829
Ohhhh!
169
00:08:24,830 --> 00:08:26,597
He's now turned on the rear jet,
170
00:08:26,598 --> 00:08:28,666
which cleans your bottom
with warm water.
171
00:08:28,667 --> 00:08:30,267
Oh. Ohhh!
172
00:08:30,268 --> 00:08:32,503
Ah!
That's the front washer
173
00:08:32,504 --> 00:08:35,005
that washes your balls,
or vagina.
174
00:08:37,509 --> 00:08:39,910
If you think about it,
a dry piece of toilet paper
175
00:08:39,911 --> 00:08:42,446
can't clean you half as well
as pressurized water.
176
00:08:42,447 --> 00:08:44,315
I feel bad that most people
have to walk around
177
00:08:44,316 --> 00:08:45,816
with fecal matter on their anus,
178
00:08:45,817 --> 00:08:47,251
but I'm just lucky
179
00:08:47,252 --> 00:08:49,286
I've sold enough weed
to be able not to.
180
00:08:49,287 --> 00:08:51,989
But was it really luck?
Or was it hard work?
181
00:08:51,990 --> 00:08:53,624
Heck, I don't know,
but you know...
182
00:08:53,625 --> 00:08:55,159
Dad, can I talk to you?!
183
00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:57,127
Stan? You're back
from school already?
184
00:08:57,128 --> 00:09:00,030
I need to talk to you right now!
185
00:09:00,031 --> 00:09:01,198
The are you doing?!
186
00:09:01,199 --> 00:09:02,633
Are you doing?
187
00:09:02,634 --> 00:09:04,602
You need to stop
gloating to everybody!
188
00:09:04,603 --> 00:09:06,203
I am not gloating.
189
00:09:06,204 --> 00:09:07,504
Yes, you are,
and now kids at school
190
00:09:07,505 --> 00:09:09,874
are calling me Richie Rich!
191
00:09:09,875 --> 00:09:11,208
They are?
192
00:09:11,209 --> 00:09:12,843
Nobody cares about
your stupid toilet
193
00:09:12,844 --> 00:09:14,712
and you're acting like
a jerk. You're stupid.
194
00:09:14,713 --> 00:09:18,682
I'm acting like a jerk because
I'm trying to help people?!
195
00:09:18,683 --> 00:09:20,517
How are you trying
to help people, Dad?
196
00:09:20,518 --> 00:09:23,954
Because the people don't know
that these toilets are awesome,
197
00:09:23,955 --> 00:09:26,123
and I'm just, like,
the well-respected guy
198
00:09:26,124 --> 00:09:29,159
who's trying to open
people's eyes like JFK.
199
00:09:29,160 --> 00:09:31,962
You are not like JFK!
200
00:09:31,963 --> 00:09:33,697
You're just showing off!
201
00:09:33,698 --> 00:09:37,301
Nu-uh, I'm like JFK 'cause
I am trying to change things!
202
00:09:37,302 --> 00:09:39,837
You're part of a very
respected family, Stan.
203
00:09:39,838 --> 00:09:42,139
You should start acting like it.
204
00:09:42,140 --> 00:09:44,042
Okay, who's next?
205
00:10:05,297 --> 00:10:06,331
Randy?
206
00:10:07,733 --> 00:10:09,667
Randy!
What?!
207
00:10:09,668 --> 00:10:13,204
Your proctologist
is here to see you.
208
00:10:13,205 --> 00:10:14,906
My proctologist?
209
00:10:17,376 --> 00:10:18,910
Oh, hey there, Doc.
210
00:10:18,911 --> 00:10:21,312
Well, Randy Marsh, how are ya?
211
00:10:21,313 --> 00:10:23,047
I'm doing great.
How are you?
212
00:10:23,048 --> 00:10:25,149
Wonderful!
Just been super busy.
213
00:10:25,150 --> 00:10:28,052
I'm actually takin' the wife
to Tuscany day after tomorrow.
214
00:10:28,053 --> 00:10:30,054
Tuscany?
Wow. Awesome.
215
00:10:30,055 --> 00:10:32,223
Yeah, well, Randy
you haven't been in my office
216
00:10:32,224 --> 00:10:33,992
for a few days,
so I thought I'd come
217
00:10:33,993 --> 00:10:36,327
do a house call to help you
with your hemorrhoids.
218
00:10:36,328 --> 00:10:38,262
Oh! No, Doctor.
219
00:10:38,263 --> 00:10:40,598
I haven't needed
to come to your office.
220
00:10:40,599 --> 00:10:43,167
In fact, I don't think I'll be
needing your services anymore
221
00:10:43,168 --> 00:10:45,770
since I've gotten
a Japanese toilet.
222
00:10:45,771 --> 00:10:47,338
Oh... Oh, really?
223
00:10:47,339 --> 00:10:49,340
It's completely changed my life.
224
00:10:49,341 --> 00:10:51,209
I'm healthier,
I'm less stressed,
225
00:10:51,210 --> 00:10:54,012
and I don't get hemorrhoids
'cause I'm not smearing shit
226
00:10:54,013 --> 00:10:55,947
all over my ass
with toilet paper.
227
00:10:55,948 --> 00:10:57,281
Huh.
228
00:10:57,282 --> 00:10:58,642
Here, here.
You wanna come see it?!
229
00:10:59,585 --> 00:11:01,253
Go on, check it out.
230
00:11:14,466 --> 00:11:16,300
D-Dr. Sheltair?
231
00:11:18,404 --> 00:11:20,705
Dr. Sheltair?!
232
00:11:20,706 --> 00:11:22,740
You stupid!
Whoa hey hey hey!
233
00:11:22,741 --> 00:11:25,376
You ruined Tuscany!
Gah!
234
00:11:25,377 --> 00:11:26,878
Stop it!
I hate you!
235
00:11:26,879 --> 00:11:29,414
I hate you! I hate you!
236
00:11:29,415 --> 00:11:31,582
Go on!
Get out of here!
237
00:11:31,583 --> 00:11:32,984
How am I supposed to tell
my wife
238
00:11:32,985 --> 00:11:35,586
we can't afford
to go to Tuscany now?!
239
00:11:35,587 --> 00:11:39,090
I never realized you made
so much money off my ass.
240
00:11:39,091 --> 00:11:41,092
Go on.
Get.
241
00:11:41,093 --> 00:11:42,695
Get!
242
00:11:52,438 --> 00:11:54,105
Hey, Stan!
Stan hold up!
243
00:11:54,106 --> 00:11:55,573
What?
244
00:11:55,574 --> 00:11:57,842
Well, um, you're just
a really good friend, Stan,
245
00:11:57,843 --> 00:11:59,911
and... and I was gonna
ask if maybe
246
00:11:59,912 --> 00:12:01,779
I could borrow your plungercost?
247
00:12:01,780 --> 00:12:04,148
What's a plungercost?
It doesn't cost nothing
248
00:12:04,149 --> 00:12:06,818
when your toilet's nice
as yours, Richie Rich!
249
00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:11,322
I did it!
I called Stan Richie Rich, too!
250
00:12:11,323 --> 00:12:13,892
That was fun!
251
00:12:16,295 --> 00:12:19,263
Stan, you've got to stop
bragging about your toilet.
252
00:12:19,264 --> 00:12:21,165
I'm not bragging
about my toilet!
253
00:12:21,166 --> 00:12:23,167
And why is it
such a big deal anyway?
254
00:12:23,168 --> 00:12:27,005
It's a big deal, Stan.
You just don't understand why.
255
00:12:29,842 --> 00:12:33,377
Have you ever asked yourself
why we use toilet paper?
256
00:12:33,378 --> 00:12:36,848
We're told to wash our hands...
wear masks in crowds...
257
00:12:36,849 --> 00:12:38,883
but for some reason,
when it comes to wiping our ass,
258
00:12:38,884 --> 00:12:41,686
we're told to do it
with this little piece of paper.
259
00:12:41,687 --> 00:12:44,355
We are all... all of us...
Walking around right now
260
00:12:44,356 --> 00:12:47,225
with a little bit of shit
smeared on our buttholes.
261
00:12:47,226 --> 00:12:49,026
Did you know that 70%
of people in the world
262
00:12:49,027 --> 00:12:52,029
don't even use it at all?
263
00:12:52,030 --> 00:12:54,065
70% of the world
doesn't use toilet paper?
264
00:12:54,066 --> 00:12:55,800
Look it up.
265
00:12:55,801 --> 00:12:58,669
Most people in the world still
use good ol' soap and water.
266
00:12:58,670 --> 00:13:01,472
The average American
uses 140 rolls
267
00:13:01,473 --> 00:13:03,341
of toilet paper per year.
268
00:13:03,342 --> 00:13:06,010
Can you even begin to imagine
how many trees that is?
269
00:13:06,011 --> 00:13:07,845
To supply the United States
its toilet paper,
270
00:13:07,846 --> 00:13:12,683
it takes 31.1 million
trees per year.
271
00:13:12,684 --> 00:13:14,352
A million acres per year
of precious
272
00:13:14,353 --> 00:13:15,887
Canadian Boreal forest alone,
273
00:13:15,888 --> 00:13:18,489
releasing upwards
of 25 metric tons of CO2
274
00:13:18,490 --> 00:13:20,992
and leveling 90%
of the land barren.
275
00:13:20,993 --> 00:13:23,728
So, then, why do Americans
use it so much?
276
00:13:23,729 --> 00:13:25,563
Well, that's the big question,
isn't it?
277
00:13:25,564 --> 00:13:28,399
None of it makes any sense.
Well, then, maybe somebody...
278
00:13:28,400 --> 00:13:30,368
Just tell your dad to stop.
279
00:13:30,369 --> 00:13:32,270
Americans don't want
to change their toilets
280
00:13:32,271 --> 00:13:34,605
and they never will.
281
00:13:34,606 --> 00:13:37,775
Ladies and gentlemen, we have
a public service announcement.
282
00:13:37,776 --> 00:13:40,444
One of our citizens
has asked to speak with you.
283
00:13:40,445 --> 00:13:43,447
Please welcome
Mr. Randy S. Marsh.
284
00:13:47,853 --> 00:13:50,721
Thank you, Mayor.
Thank you, everyone.
285
00:13:50,722 --> 00:13:53,090
You know, the Marshes are
a family that try to always
286
00:13:53,091 --> 00:13:54,959
lead by example.
287
00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:58,763
And we know that
all of you appreciate that.
288
00:13:58,764 --> 00:14:03,701
Everyone deserves to be clean,
and the truth is, you can be.
289
00:14:03,702 --> 00:14:05,303
You might not be the Marshes,
290
00:14:05,304 --> 00:14:08,606
but you can afford
a Japanese toilet.
291
00:14:08,607 --> 00:14:11,375
Just not a really nice one
like what we have.
292
00:14:11,376 --> 00:14:13,211
If you take into account
the money
293
00:14:13,212 --> 00:14:16,414
we all spend on toilet paper,
doctors, and hemorrhoid cream,
294
00:14:16,415 --> 00:14:20,751
a Japanese toilet pays
for itself in just a few years.
295
00:14:20,752 --> 00:14:24,322
There are actually Japanese
toilets made for commoners.
296
00:14:24,323 --> 00:14:26,791
Walmart and Amazon
all carry the lower
297
00:14:26,792 --> 00:14:30,428
cost of shitty Japanese toilets
that anyone can afford.
298
00:14:30,429 --> 00:14:32,163
There's even these like
attachment thingies
299
00:14:32,164 --> 00:14:33,764
for your existing toilet
300
00:14:33,765 --> 00:14:36,167
which will make you feel
like a Marsh yourself.
301
00:14:36,168 --> 00:14:38,502
They may not be
Nihon No style-ru,
302
00:14:38,503 --> 00:14:41,305
but they are
good enough for you guys.
303
00:14:41,306 --> 00:14:46,744
The point is... even commoners
don't need toilet paper anymore!
304
00:14:46,745 --> 00:14:49,513
And, so, I am suggesting that
this town puts all...
305
00:14:51,617 --> 00:14:54,819
Holy shit!
306
00:14:54,820 --> 00:14:56,754
Randy?! Wah!
307
00:15:03,829 --> 00:15:06,631
I'm sorry,
but he's in critical condition.
308
00:15:06,632 --> 00:15:08,499
Who shot him?
309
00:15:08,500 --> 00:15:10,368
Nobody knows.
310
00:15:10,369 --> 00:15:12,270
Is he gonna be okay?
311
00:15:12,271 --> 00:15:13,838
He's in a coma.
312
00:15:13,839 --> 00:15:17,174
He's unconscious
and just blabbering nonsense.
313
00:15:18,710 --> 00:15:23,481
Bikkuri... Bikkurishita...
Taiehn deshou...
314
00:15:23,482 --> 00:15:26,684
Mr. Marsh, your whole
family is here.
315
00:15:26,685 --> 00:15:29,720
Your wife, your daughter,
and your son.
316
00:15:29,721 --> 00:15:32,290
T-Toire Wa?
317
00:15:32,291 --> 00:15:34,659
No, your toilet
is back at the farm.
318
00:15:34,660 --> 00:15:37,662
Taihen ja naaaa...
319
00:15:37,663 --> 00:15:40,364
Dad, I'm sorry I yelled
at you before.
320
00:15:40,365 --> 00:15:43,134
I didn't know you were
really trying to help.
321
00:15:43,135 --> 00:15:46,705
Kon-nichi waaa...
322
00:15:48,473 --> 00:15:52,410
- Stan, where are you going?
- I let dad down once.
323
00:15:52,411 --> 00:15:54,546
Somebody has to pick up
where he left off.
324
00:15:58,776 --> 00:16:00,944
I promise
we're doing all we can.
325
00:16:00,945 --> 00:16:02,378
I'm sorry for what happened,
326
00:16:02,379 --> 00:16:04,314
but you need to leave it
to the professionals.
327
00:16:04,315 --> 00:16:06,316
There's something
more going on here.
328
00:16:06,317 --> 00:16:08,651
I think my dad was on
to something and I
329
00:16:08,652 --> 00:16:10,820
didn't listen to him,
and now he's in a hospital.
330
00:16:10,821 --> 00:16:12,221
We've already got a few leads
331
00:16:12,222 --> 00:16:14,023
and we're following up
on all of them.
332
00:16:14,024 --> 00:16:17,026
I assure you we take this
all very seriously.
333
00:16:17,027 --> 00:16:18,962
This isn't a joke to us.
334
00:16:18,963 --> 00:16:20,964
- Chief, hey, Chief!
- Yeah?
335
00:16:20,965 --> 00:16:22,298
An angry proctologist walked in
336
00:16:22,299 --> 00:16:24,400
to the toilet section
of Home Depot.
337
00:16:24,401 --> 00:16:26,202
Y-Yeah?
338
00:16:26,203 --> 00:16:28,137
Proctologist says
to the toilet manager,
339
00:16:28,138 --> 00:16:30,006
"I ain't taking the fall,"
and pulls a gun
340
00:16:30,007 --> 00:16:31,708
on six Japanese delivery men.
341
00:16:31,709 --> 00:16:33,343
Okay.
342
00:16:33,344 --> 00:16:35,178
So, then, the six Japanese
delivery men show up,
343
00:16:35,179 --> 00:16:36,980
and the proctologist
has everyone held hostage
344
00:16:36,981 --> 00:16:38,381
and says he's not
taking the fall
345
00:16:38,382 --> 00:16:40,683
for the Randy Marsh shooting.
346
00:16:40,684 --> 00:16:42,518
Oh, shit, this is
actually happening?!
347
00:16:42,519 --> 00:16:44,253
Come on people let's go!
348
00:16:47,091 --> 00:16:49,025
I ain't going down for this!
349
00:16:49,026 --> 00:16:52,362
You got that, coppers?!
I didn't shoot anybody!
350
00:16:52,363 --> 00:16:53,830
But if I'm going down,
351
00:16:53,831 --> 00:16:56,232
I'll take these careless
bastards out with me!
352
00:16:56,233 --> 00:16:58,034
Would you like some
sparkling water or cham...
353
00:16:58,035 --> 00:17:00,069
Get... Get outta here!
354
00:17:00,070 --> 00:17:01,604
Come on out.
355
00:17:01,605 --> 00:17:04,674
There's no other way,
we have you surrounded.
356
00:17:04,675 --> 00:17:07,343
I didn't shoot Randy Marsh!
357
00:17:07,344 --> 00:17:10,213
- Taihen!
- Nobody's saying you did!
358
00:17:10,214 --> 00:17:13,449
No, but they're gonna
use me as their scapegoat!
359
00:17:13,450 --> 00:17:15,785
They'll fix things
like they always do!
360
00:17:15,786 --> 00:17:17,854
- Who will?
- They'll use their lawyers
361
00:17:17,855 --> 00:17:20,223
and their power
to make it all go away!
362
00:17:20,224 --> 00:17:22,358
Just like they did back
when that 2nd grade kid
363
00:17:22,359 --> 00:17:24,460
wrote a story in the school
paper about toilets
364
00:17:24,461 --> 00:17:25,728
two years ago!
365
00:17:25,729 --> 00:17:27,196
They'll take me out, too!
366
00:17:27,197 --> 00:17:28,765
There's no stopping them!
367
00:17:28,766 --> 00:17:30,266
Don't do it!
368
00:17:32,036 --> 00:17:34,037
Sabishiiiii!
369
00:17:34,038 --> 00:17:35,805
Aww! Alright move in!
370
00:17:35,806 --> 00:17:37,607
Secure the area.
371
00:17:37,608 --> 00:17:41,044
2nd grade kid two years ago...
372
00:17:41,045 --> 00:17:43,414
Wrote about toilets
in the school news paper.
373
00:17:47,251 --> 00:17:51,087
You weren't warning me
about people getting upset.
374
00:17:51,088 --> 00:17:52,690
You know more about this.
375
00:17:55,259 --> 00:17:56,793
Hey!
376
00:17:56,794 --> 00:17:58,494
You wrote a story
in the school paper
377
00:17:58,495 --> 00:18:00,096
and someone came after you!
378
00:18:00,097 --> 00:18:02,265
Yeah I wrote a story, big deal!
379
00:18:02,266 --> 00:18:04,500
Jimmy, I want to know
who shot my dad!
380
00:18:04,501 --> 00:18:06,636
They took everything
from me, Stan.
381
00:18:06,637 --> 00:18:09,272
My bike... my cat...
382
00:18:09,273 --> 00:18:10,740
They were gonna sue my parents
383
00:18:10,741 --> 00:18:12,975
for what I wrote
in the school paper.
384
00:18:12,976 --> 00:18:16,446
You're talking about
the toilet paper companies.
385
00:18:16,447 --> 00:18:19,348
Who has the most to lose?
It's all toilet paper, Stan!
386
00:18:19,349 --> 00:18:23,119
Follow the money!
140 rolls per American per year.
387
00:18:23,120 --> 00:18:24,954
Factories pushing out
roll after roll
388
00:18:24,955 --> 00:18:26,589
while razing Earth's resources.
389
00:18:26,590 --> 00:18:28,491
All of this for
an unsanitary product
390
00:18:28,492 --> 00:18:30,827
that has been proven
to contribute to anal fissures.
391
00:18:30,828 --> 00:18:32,495
Don't you get it, man?
392
00:18:32,496 --> 00:18:35,998
Paper doesn't clean bacteria.
It can't stop viruses.
393
00:18:35,999 --> 00:18:37,467
With all that information,
394
00:18:37,468 --> 00:18:38,835
you'd think
the world health organization
395
00:18:38,836 --> 00:18:41,037
would do studies
to find alternatives.
396
00:18:41,038 --> 00:18:42,638
So why don't they?
397
00:18:42,639 --> 00:18:44,674
Because toilet paper
is an industry worth
398
00:18:44,675 --> 00:18:48,211
billions and b-billions
of dollars.
399
00:18:48,212 --> 00:18:52,381
Kimberly-Clark, Georgia-Pacific,
Procter & Gamble.
400
00:18:52,382 --> 00:18:55,017
They don't want Japanese
toilets in America
401
00:18:55,018 --> 00:18:57,220
and they have the power
to stop them,
402
00:18:57,221 --> 00:19:00,456
and to stop you.
403
00:19:00,457 --> 00:19:02,658
I can't believe
they shot my dad...
404
00:19:02,659 --> 00:19:05,128
because he wanted
to change things.
405
00:19:05,129 --> 00:19:08,831
These people have deeper pockets
than you can possibly imagine.
406
00:19:08,832 --> 00:19:12,201
They can destroy
everything you love, Stan.
407
00:19:12,202 --> 00:19:13,903
Take my advice...
408
00:19:13,904 --> 00:19:17,840
Don't. Squeeze.
The Charmin.
409
00:19:17,841 --> 00:19:21,678
You might be too scared Jimmy,
but I'm a Marsh.
410
00:19:26,216 --> 00:19:27,850
My fellow Americans...
411
00:19:27,851 --> 00:19:29,819
we have been coerced
and brain washed.
412
00:19:29,820 --> 00:19:31,521
While the rest of the world
walks around
413
00:19:31,522 --> 00:19:34,023
with cleaner buttholes,
we are obsessed with dry paper
414
00:19:34,024 --> 00:19:36,893
sold to us by billion-dollar
corporations.
415
00:19:36,894 --> 00:19:40,029
- Yeah.
- Hey, yeah, he's right!
416
00:19:40,030 --> 00:19:42,431
My father wanted everyone to see
that there were alternatives.
417
00:19:42,432 --> 00:19:44,500
But they don't want him talking
about alternatives!
418
00:19:44,501 --> 00:19:46,202
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
419
00:19:46,203 --> 00:19:49,205
And we can't be blindly
buying their products anymore.
420
00:19:49,206 --> 00:19:51,541
And as a town,
we will find alternatives,
421
00:19:51,542 --> 00:19:52,775
and we will not be afraid to...
422
00:19:52,776 --> 00:19:55,411
Stop! Stop!
We're not doing this!
423
00:19:55,412 --> 00:19:57,680
Dad! Everyone just
stop, we're not doing this.
424
00:19:57,681 --> 00:19:59,882
Thank you. South Park, uh,
we-we're cutting this short.
425
00:19:59,883 --> 00:20:02,285
I was totally wrong
and I want to apologize.
426
00:20:02,286 --> 00:20:03,853
No, dad, it's the toilet
paper companies
427
00:20:03,854 --> 00:20:05,621
that are behind all the...
Yeah, I know.
428
00:20:05,622 --> 00:20:07,890
Yeah, so, uh, w-we have
nothing against toilet paper.
429
00:20:07,891 --> 00:20:09,392
It's a great product and, uh,
430
00:20:09,393 --> 00:20:10,893
it was childish of me
to make fun of it.
431
00:20:10,894 --> 00:20:12,562
Thanks, though.
We'll see ya later.
432
00:20:12,563 --> 00:20:14,096
Dad, we can't just back down.
433
00:20:14,097 --> 00:20:16,466
- Bro!
- I got shot!
434
00:20:18,235 --> 00:20:19,936
Japanese toilets are
totally unnecessary,
435
00:20:19,937 --> 00:20:21,737
and, uh, in case anyone
else is listening,
436
00:20:21,738 --> 00:20:24,907
I think all of South Park
would like to apologize.
437
00:20:24,908 --> 00:20:27,577
We retract what we said about
toilet paper companies.
438
00:20:27,578 --> 00:20:31,047
They... They have done nothing
but help us, and we are sorry.
439
00:20:31,048 --> 00:20:34,250
South Park... everyone...
Say you're sorry.
440
00:20:34,251 --> 00:20:36,552
We're sorry.
441
00:20:36,553 --> 00:20:38,754
Okay, great.
Come on, guys, let's go home.
442
00:20:38,755 --> 00:20:41,090
What about helping people
and leading by example?
443
00:20:41,091 --> 00:20:43,059
We're not the Goddamn
Kennedys, Stan.
444
00:20:43,060 --> 00:20:44,727
Stop being an idiot.
445
00:21:09,686 --> 00:21:13,489
Nice to have you back, Ol' Blue.
446
00:21:13,490 --> 00:21:16,292
You know, guys,
I'm actually not that sad.
447
00:21:16,293 --> 00:21:18,694
Having a Japanese toilet
was great, but...
448
00:21:18,695 --> 00:21:20,596
I've come to realize that,
449
00:21:20,597 --> 00:21:23,299
when you have some big,
nice luxury thing,
450
00:21:23,300 --> 00:21:25,268
it eventually
just becomes normal.
451
00:21:25,269 --> 00:21:27,103
But you start comparing it to
all the other things
452
00:21:27,104 --> 00:21:30,506
in your life which suddenly feel
you have to upgrade, too.
453
00:21:30,507 --> 00:21:32,975
So, it's really best to just
454
00:21:32,976 --> 00:21:36,312
stick with the beat-up,
crappy old things we have.
455
00:21:36,313 --> 00:21:38,047
Love you forever, Honey.
456
00:21:38,048 --> 00:21:44,488
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