All language subtitles for Reality.Bites.1994

They wonder why those
of us in our twenties

refuse to work
an 80-hour week

just so we can afford
to buy their BMWs,

why we aren't interested in the
counterculture that they invented,

as if we did not see them
disembowel their revolution

for a pair
of running shoes.

Whoo! Yeah!
But the question remains,

what are we
going to do now?

How can we repair
all the damage we inherited?

Fellow graduates,
the answer is simple.

The answer is...

The answer is...

I don't know.

Good save, Lelaina.

I'm not a Valedictorian,
but I play one on TV.

We all know you slept
your way to the podium.

My favorite part
about graduating now will be

dodging my student loan officer
for the rest of my life.

He will be in cahoots with the
Columbia Record and Tape Company guy.

Been after my ass for years.

Troy Dyer. Brought
you back a souvenir.

You could still go back
next year and graduate,

still get your BFA.
Oh, can I?

And then I can hang this
on my rearview mirror

to brag to all my good buddies
back home that I graduated.

Well, I'm through
with the whole wank-a-rama.

Well, I know this sounds
cornball, but, um,

I'd like to somehow make a
difference in people's lives.

And l... I would like to
buy them all a Coke.

And you wonder why
we never got involved.

Three words,
November 16, 199...

Oh, totally drunk. It would
have been a poetic experience,

if I weren't
such a gentleman.

Just let it go, Dyer.
Surrender the fantasy.

Hey, Sammy,
what's your goal?

My goal is to...

I'd like a career
or something.

I think the moment has been
appropriately captured.

Could you please take your
face out of the camera?

Come on.
It's for my documentary.

Her documentary.

Think fast.

Here's the deal.

I'm gonna take Sam
against his will

and straighten him out,

because I believe if we can get
two women on the Supreme Court,

we can get at least one
on you, Sam.

I'm Superman.
I can fly.

She's toasted.

Quick, Vickie, what's
your Social Security?

Uh, 851-25-9357.

Very impressive.

It's the only thing
I really learned in college.

Sometimes I get

that not-so-fresh feeling.

Conjunction junction
What's your function?

Hookin' up words
and phrases and clauses

Conjunction junction
How's that function?

I got three favorite cars

They get most
of my job done

Honey,honey. Let me do it for you.
No, no.

Is yours good? I don't
think it's very fresh.

I'm sorry.

Well, I guess it's about time for me
to give you your graduation present.

Your gas card. I'll pay
that bill for one year.

And since Helen Anne's got
herself a brand-new lnfiniti,

we're gonna give you
her old BMW.

You pick it up
at our house.

BMW? BMW!

Yeah. Tom, didn't you
listen to her speech today?

She doesn't want a BMW.

Mom, I'll handle this.
I'm not gonna sit here

and listen to some strange ethical
argument about a damn car.

It's got four wheels.
It runs well.

After you've been in the real world,
you're gonna appreciate that car.

Just think of all those starving children
in Africa that don't even have cars.

Troy, does your father give
you gifts like that? Mom!

My father's dying of prostate cancer,
so I don't trouble him much for gifts.

See, Tom?
Hmm?

You don't want a BMW.
Tell him, Lelaina!

Charlane, she can
make up her own mind.

Dad, don't talk to her that way.
She's not a child.

Well, she married one.

What?

All right.
Excuse me. Come on.

Mom, Dad, I'll take the BMW, until I
can afford to buy a regular car, okay?

Okay, Mom?
Please?

Mom, please?
Come on.

Get a Ford.

Just afloat on the sea

Find myself
on a page of history

You know
as I ride along

I can always hear the song

About you

And where you're meant to be

Well, you're gonna
tell me the answers

I'll know
when you come back to me

If we should fall

Love will catch us
every time

I hear you call
I will run

And if the magic
of the adventure overcomes

We won't cry

Because it could be fun

Well, I'm gonna
tell you the answers

You'll know
when you come back to me

Gonna be all right

When you come back to me

Good morning.

Good morning!

Yes, good morning,
ladies and gentleman!

I see a gentleman right over there!
Good morning!

Good morning!
Boy, I tell ya,

it is a good morning
with this audience.

Today for all you dieters, guiltless
goodies from Chef Skinny Ninny!

Ho-ho. Mmm.

And we'll also be visiting with
a man right here from Houston

who is battling Alzheimer's.
Aww.

A beautiful and touching story of
the triumph of the human spirit.

He's so cheesy I can't watch
him without crackers.

Now let's take a peek inside our Video
View and see what we have in store today.

It's a special report on
children's birthday party themes.

Taped on location at eight-year-old
Davey Robbins' party

exclusively for our
Video View collection.

So come sit with me.

Relax.
Have a cup of joe.

Oh, shit! Oh, shit!

Well, anyway, it's gonna be
a good day, good morning.

You're beautiful!

Clear!

Am I here to amuse you, Ms. Pierce?
Is that the reason I'm on this show?

I put on your note card
to get your own expresso.

Didn't you get my
"espress yourself" memo?

I don't have time for your games.
We're laying people off around here.

I can find an intern who'll do
your job for free, like that.

I been locked out

I been locked in

But I always seem
to come back again

And the view when I look
through my window...

That's a much better size.
That looks great.

That would go
with the Easy Fits.

So... Oh, buttoning it up.
That's even better. Okay.

Yeah! Roll 'em right up.
It's liberating, isn't it?

I bought a toothbrush.
Some toothpaste

A flannel for my face

Pajamas, a hair brush

New shoes and a case

I said to my reflection

Let's get out of this place

Passed the church
and the steeple

The laundry on the hill

Murders, there's one
committed each seven seconds

How do you know...

Hello? I got cut off. I'm sorry.
What the hell happened?

Tempted by the fruit
of another

Hello? What?

Tempted but the truth
is discovered

What's been goin' on
Now that you have gone

No, no, listen.
He needs us.

He makes videos. We show them, okay?
It's symbiotic.

It's like the chicken or the egg,
both of them working together...

Well, I'm not scared of him.

No, no, I'm not scared of...

Jesus!

Michael,
don't laugh at me.

What? No!

I'm in an accident.
I got in an accident.

You okay?

Yeah. No.
I'll call you back.

When you say "sue..."
It's not really my idea.

I got my lawyer telling me
something about my rates...

Right. You mean like sue
in a courtroom for money?

I don't know. I've never done
anything like this before.

Do you have a lawyer? No, I don't have
a lawyer. I don't have a dentist.

I'm...
You know, I make $400 a week.

What do you do?

At the moment, I'm working...

I'm sorry. I just...
I gotta...

Hello?

Yeah, what is it? I don't care if
she does 12 books of herself naked.

It doesn't.... That's Dr. Zaius
from Planet of the Apes.

Oh! I'm sorry. Someone
else is in here.

Yeah? Well, let her
say that to me.

No, don't do that.
Oh, I'm sorry.

No, no, you can... I was... Go ahead.
You want to touch it?

Me? Yeah, go ahead. No,
I was talking to...

Can I talk to you later?
Can we... What? Okay.

Um... Okay.

Um, uh...

You know what?
Just forget it.

Really. Just forget
the whole thing.

It was probably my fault anyway, and
I'll get in trouble, and I don't...

You seem very sweet, and you
seem to like Dr. Zaius.

Oh.

That's...

Oh, l... That's... He was just
a collector's... No big...

Um, well, here's... Here's his head.
It's really...

You know,
I think he's gone.

Yeah. I'm, like, ruining
your whole life here.

No, you're not, really.

Just don't touch anything else,
and I think we'll be fine.

Michael Grates, Vice President
Regional Programming,

In Your Face TV.

We've seen it. It's like
MTV, but with an edge.

So is it a date?
Yeah. Yep.

Dinner?
Coffee.

Coffee or cappuccino? Oh,
he ended up saying "decaf."

Oh, no. Early night. ls there
any pre-coffee activity?

I don't think so. Did he ask
you to go out or to hang out?

Go out. He definitely said go out.
Hey. How ya doin'?

Oh, shit.
What?

I forgot to tell you something.

Are you out of your mind? He just
got fired from the newsstand.

He needs a place to stay
until he can find a new job.

Vickie, that's the American dream
of the '90s. That could take years.

Look at it like a built-in security system.
We'll have a man around.

We'll have a hall monitor. I don't even
know if this is allowed in the building.

It's not like Mr. Roper's gonna burst in.
I'll just stay on the couch.

Vickie, he will turn this
place into a den of slack.

What the hell
is your problem?

I have to work, and
unfortunately, Troy,

you are a master at
the art of time suckage.

Well, Miss Poster Girl
for The Workers Party,

until I get that toehold in the
burger industry, I got time to suck.

I'd rather check
into a shelter.

I know how much you'd love
to mainline misery here,

but I can get you an interview
at my dad's plant.

Is that part of my lease agreement?
That or a credit check.

It's cool, Troy.
You can stay.

Welcome to the maxi-pad. Yeah,
with the new Dri-Weave.

It actually pulls moisture away from you.
It's good.

You won't even
know I'm here.

Well, should I get married
Should I be good

Should I astound the girl next door
with my velvet suit and Faustus hood

Take her to cemeteries and tell her of
werewolf tongues and forked clarinets

What Hey, That's My Bike would
like to do eventually as a band

is travel the countryside
like Woody Guthrie.

Or, uh, Richard Simmons.

You know how he...
Commercials,

he travels around,
surprises people jogging.

As you can see,
Wave, uh,

the occasional run-in with
an anti-Hey-That's-My-Biker,

and to those people,
I say nobody...

Nobody can eat 50 eggs.

Laney?
What-y?

The next time you make
microwave brownies,

I'd really consider
using a microwave.

It's just a thought.

You know, I finally figured out
what your problem is, Dyer.

What's that?
I'm not a Pepper?

You suffer from the
philosopher-groupie syndrome.

You're this guy
with, like, a 180 IQ,

10 units away from a
degree in philosophy. Yeah?

And you always fall
for these dumb groupie types.

Now, they are not all dumb.

Most of them are just
very, very depressed.

You find me attractive,
sitting here, eating brownies?

You do. You're strangely attracted to me
right now. You're oddly attracted to me.

It turns you on. You like to
watch, don't you? Come on!

Don't! Come on. It's not funny.
Here we are.

Give it back.
Give what back?

Give it back! Give the brownies back?
Oh, brownies, brownies!

Oh! Oh! I love brownies!
My name's...

Hey, don't.
Hey, watch the camera.

Don't do anything.
That's not nice.

Mr. Gubler, um,
do you have time

to take a look at what I've done here?
I need my questions.

Oh. Well, here's the research that I did.
You might want to read it,

'cause this guest has quite a history
in politics. Just give me my questions.

Excusez-moi.

Are you all alone?
Not anymore.

If I could bottle the sexual tension
between Bonnie Franklin and Schneider,

I could solve
the energy crisis.

Excuse me. Don't
Bogart that can, man.

Are you retarded?
No, I'm rhyming.

It's not easy. I'm sure
I make it look easy.

You guys better not be inhaling.
Hi.

Lelaina, Vickie was just
promoted to manager of The Gap.

Shut up. It's not
even a big deal.

The old manager tried to kill herself
by eating a whole pot of poinsettias.

Still, I'm so proud of you!
I'll be making $400 a week.

We're never gonna have
rent problems again.

Troy,
aren't you excited?

I'm bursting
with fruit flavor.

Guys, I just thought
of something.

I'm manager of The Gap. I'm
responsible for all those T-shirts:

French cut, V-necked,
ribbed, what-have-you.

Dude, I'm in trouble. No, you're not, Vick.
I know you can do it.

I just do not understand why
this moment has to be Memorexed.

Sammy, don't you realize? This is your
one opportunity to play a small part

in what is destined
to be greatness.

Laney here is
gonna revolutionize

Good Morning, Grant. Oh, my God!
I'm so sorry! I had no idea!

Oh, yeah, look who's mocking.
All you do around here, Troy,

is eat and couch and
fondle the remote control.

I'm not under any orders to
make the world a better place.

Then what good are you? You're
a pathological optimist.

You're pathological.

Oh, would you two just do it and
get it over with? I'm starving.

Oh!

Hello. You've reached
the winter of our discontent.

Uh, hold on.
It's some Michael character?

Who's Michael?
Let's order a pizza.

Lelaina! If we promise to pay you
back, will you spot us a pizza?

I don't have any cash.
Domino's takes checks.

Okay, great.

Okay, bye. The owner of Domino's
supports Operation Rescue.

Oh, please, no one gives a shit right now.
We're starving.

Oh, wait.

Ta-da! We're going to eat gas.

Ah! Who's this Michael guy?

Um...
Hey.

Vickie just figured something out.
What?

Something wonderful.

"Evian" is "naive"
spelled backwards.

Can you turn
this up, please?

Please?
You won't be sorry.

Thank you.

When you gonna give me
some time, Sharona

Ooh, you make my motor run
My motor run

Gun it comin' it off
of the line, Sharona

Never gonna stop, give it up
Such a dirty mind

I always get it up
Come on!

For the touch
of the younger kind

My, my, my-y-y

Whoa!
Hey!

M-M-M-My Sharona

Come a little closer, hon
I'll be your hunk

Close enough to look
in my eyes, Sharona

Keepin' it a mystery
You get to me

Runnin' down the length
of my thigh, Sharona

Good times
Anytime you need it, baby

Good times
Anytime you need a friend

Thelma's husband Keith's got
vodka hidden in the toilet.

That's a good one. Doom-doom.
James dies

That's a two-parter.
I'll allow it.

J.J. works in the chicken shop.
We did that.

We did that in the same one where
he has a cape on. Drink up, man.

I hate to see that happen
to the rookie. Um...

Alderman Davis judges a... Oh, my God.

Hi.
Are you a collection agent?

Lelaina!

Oh! Yeah!
I'll be right there!

Oh. If you ain't the
most hardheaded woman

I have ever seen.
Great.

Hurry up, hurry up. Oh! It's me!
Willona dates a deaf guy.

Good, good, good. How about the
one where Gary Coleman comes on.

He's, like, the little...
That guy?

We did that one. Go.
It was cute.

J.J.'s prom date. Gotta go, gotta go.
Hi.

Um, every...
This is Michael.

You got a prom date
and a prom date...

Too late. Wait up.
I'm gonna go.

Michael throws a party.
Sammy, let's go.

Lelaina. You know the punishment
for premature evacuation.

Frank's party.
Sammy Joe?

Penny! Willona adopts Penny!
Shit!

I'm, uh, making this
documentary about my friends,

but it's really about people who are
trying to find their own identity

without having any real role
models or heroes or anything.

Wow. That sounds great.
I mean, it seems like

your friends would be perfect
for that, like that guy Troy?

Troy, yeah.
All done here, sir?

Uh,yeah. You don't
want to finish that?

No, I'm fine.
I had a late...

So, uh, so Troy is... You guys just...
It's like you guys living there,

just the two of you? No,no,no,no.
It's...

It's me and Vickie, but he,
uh, got fired from his job,

so he needed a place to crash
for a couple of weeks, so...

They, um, caught him stealing a Snickers.
He stole a Snickers bar?

Yeah.

Somehow,
he can rationalize it,

like the, uh, establishment
owes him a Snickers.

Right, right. Well, I mean,
I guess, you know...

You know,
you're very beautiful.

I mean... I mean, uh,
seriously, you're...

I'm, uh... I'm, uh,

not really good
with compliments.

Um, but, uh, um...
Are you religious?

Um...

I'm sorry. Uh...

l guess, um...
I guess I'm, uh,

a non-practicing Jew.

Hey, I'm
a non-practicing virgin.

Who's this again?

Frampton. Peter Frampton?
Frampton.

I can't believe you don't
remember Frampton Comes Alive.

That album, like,
totally changed my life.

The most profound, important
invention of my lifetime.

The Big Gulp.
Because,see, now listen.

You get one in the morning. I'm
talking 44-ouncer, not this 32...

Wait a minute. Forty-four?
Yeah, 44 ounces.

How can you ingest
44 ounces of anything?

How can you ingest 44 ounces of anything?
You get one,

you have your essential vitamins
and nutrients for the entire day.

Oh, yeah, definitely. Sure,
you're totally covered. You do.

Well,l guess it doesn't really
take much to make me happy.

Hey, I'm not...
I'm not materialistic either.

I mean, I think I'd be working
even if I wasn't getting paid.

And I don't, like,
want to get a big house and...

I just want,
like, a nice house.

I'm not into cars
and stuff.

I mean,
I like my car.

You're probably not...
Really not into, like,

expensive, snazzy,
Italian suits.

Oh, come on.
I'm just kidding.

No,no,no. I'm not like that.
I'm just kidding.

I mean, I mean...
I'm... I mean...

I know why the caged bird sings
and everything. Oh, yeah? Why?

Because he was
in a cage, and he was...

I don't know. He had
high hopes or some...

Okay, I dropped out of school
before we got to that, all right?

I should have stayed in college
and gotten a degree in astronomy.

God, I love astronomy.
Really?

Yeah, I just... The math, though.
It was the math.

Yeah, exactly. I loved astronomy,
too, and I got in the class,

and it was like
everything was

three squared times pi
equals the root of... Pi!

Pi. Yeah. And I just, like,
wanted to look at the stars.

Oh, same here. Exactly.
It was so...

I remember being so happy on the roof of our
old house, just staring up at the stars.

Mmm. I want to do that again.
I want to just

look up at the stars
and take the time to

smell the... Everything.

'Cause it's like... Do you ever
have those moments in life

where everything is okay?

Do you know what I mean? Like, just
for one moment, everything is great?

Not since I graduated.
No. But yeah, yeah.

When you, like, catch
yourself in a moment,

and you're saying, "Wait, wait,
I'm happy here." Right, right.

And then it just goes away,
really quickly. Gone.

I know I've had
a couple of those.

I always forget them, but I know
I've had them. Oh, me, too.

Like right now,
this one.

Yeah, like now.
It's...

Who decides

Clouds are stalking islands
in the sun

Wish I could buy one

Out of season

But don't

Hesitate

'Cause your love

Won't wait
Hey

Ooh, baby
I love your way

Every day

Wanna tell you
I love your way, ooh

Ooh, baby, I love your way

Every day I wanna be
with you night and day

Shh! So you been up all night?

I am picking up some very
strange vibes in here.

They're of the
"I just got laid" variety.

Did he dazzle you with his extensive
knowledge of mineral water?

Or was it his
in-depth analysis of, uh,

Marky Mark that
finally reeled you in?

I would like
to have been there

to watch how you rationalized sleeping with
a yuppie-head cheeseball on the first date.

He's not a yuppie. He's the reason
why CliffsNotes were invented.

Well, that pales
in comparison

to the tweaked-out
little skanks you date.

To hell with it. What do I care?
What do you care?

Why are you acting like a jealous
boyfriend all of a sudden?

I am not acting
like anything.

I am calmly reading.

God. If something's
bothering you,

I wish you could be man enough
to talk to me about it.

All right, Lelaina.

I am really
in love with you.

Is that what you want to hear?
Is it?

Well, don't flatter yourself.

Go to hell.

Since I've been manager here,

our gross has increased
over 20%, uh...

So?
What?

Okay, okay. Um,
I guess I'm proud of that.

Ho, please.
Look at this sweater.

People don't know
what it takes.

I've never been a good
example before, and, um,

I've never been good with
responsibility, so, uh...

I blame my parents, though. I think
I was conceived on an acid trip.

My parents got divorced
when I was, uh,

five years old.

And I saw my father about three
times a year after that.

And when he found out that he had
cancer, he decided to bring me here,

and he gives me this big,
pink sea shell,

and he says to me, "Son, the
answers are all inside of this."

And I'm all, like, "What?" But then
I realize that the shell's empty.

There's no point to any of this.
It's all just a...

A random lottery of meaningless
tragedy in a series of near-escapes.

So I take pleasure in the details.
You know, uh,

a Quarter Pounder
with cheese.

Those are good.

The sky about 10 minutes
before it starts to rain.

The moment where your
laughter becomes a cackle.

And I sit back, and I...

I smoke my Camel straights.

And I ride my own melt.

Come on, come on.
No laggin'.

The free clinic AIDS test.

The rite of passage
for our generation.

We're so lucky.
Come on.

So, Vick, why are
you getting tested?

One of my friends
tested positive.

Be on the safe side.
You know.

Vickie Miner.

Vickie Miner?

You can forget it. Come on, Grant.
That is incredible.

It's junk.
Depressing junk.

You know my rules for Video
View, light and perky.

Look, Lelaina, maybe I should
talk with Grant alone about this.

Look, she's got real talent, and
I want to put her on staff.

I will not have Ms. Pierce
on staff.

I will walk out of here when
that happens. You watch.

Okay, calm down. I mean, it's no big deal.
We don't have to have her.

Having to look at that girl's pointy
face all day would make me ill.

Just get rid of her like I
asked you in the first place.

If I don't know where
to go, I'll get there.

If I don't know where
to go, I'll get there.

If I don't know...

Ten seconds.
Nine, eight, seven,

six, five, four...
...saves you money!

Is this a good morning
or what?

Well,

with us today is Libby
Cumba, author of this book.

Self-esteem for
Parent and Child.

Good morning, Libby.
Good morning, Grant.

Good morning.
Now, Libby,

I'm concerned
with self-esteem.

Personally, I've always had an odd
preference for very, very young girls.

Uh, uh,
being a total prick...

...ly pear, I, uh...

Why don't we welcome
this audience again, huh?

Good morning!

I make more of a
mess than Ruby does.

You guys, we have to
have a family meeting.

Something's happened. Oh, no!
They've discovered NutraSweet

causes you to grow a third eye.
Oh, Jesus!

Everything's gonna be fine.
Just wear a patch.

Working out a plan. There's a surgeon
in Paris who'll just remove it...

Just don't panic.
It's not contagious.

Would you shut up? I just got fired.

Yeah. Oh, my god. What happened?

You got fired?

That just screws up my whole
idea of good and evil and...

It's not like I had a hysterectomy.
You know, I got fired.

I'll find something
else, you know?

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
You're hired!

I need a part-timer.
You need a job.

That will be so cool!
It's only like $5 an hour,

but it's a
pretty good opportunity.

Yeah, it's a dream come true.
It is!

You know, Vick,
I'm working out a plan.

Yeah? So what's the plan? I'm not gonna
work at The Gap, for Christ's sake.

Okay?

No. I mean... Oh, no.
I'm so sorry.

Oh, how stupid of me to try
to drag you down to my level.

Vickie, you... Don't do this, okay?
Shut up.

Come on. This is just...
You know I didn't mean it.

Vickie!

Burn, baby, burn

Burn, baby, burn

Burn, baby, burn
Disco inferno

Burn, baby, burn Burn that mother
down, y'all Burn, baby, burn

You see, this is where Troy
was fired from his 11th job.

He was an illustrious
office cleaner.

Now if you'll come
this way, please,

we will continue our short but happy
walking tour of the career of Troy Dyer.

And here we have
the newsstand,

where Troy dared
to ask the question,

"Are employee snacks
subsidized?"

The answer,
tragically, "No."

In total,
he has been fired

from, yes, count them, 12 jobs.
'Twelve?

Ouch. So you shouldn't
feel so bad.

One of these mornings I'm
gonna wake up before noon...

Yeah, right.
...I'm gonna turn on the TV,

and there Bryant Gumbel
will be, and he'll say,

"Today we have with us

"the Pulitzer Prize-winning
documentarian Lelaina Pierce.

"Lelaina, after your first
film, Why Barbie is Bad,

"you seemed to have forgotten

"all about your best friend,
Troy Dyer."

Troy who?
What was that name again?

Oh!
Right through the heart.

I'll probably be working
at the Whole Foods,

you know, playing warehouses, hanging
around places like the Radio Shack,

screaming that I used to know
you, and you'll be there

in the lights, and you'll
be all beautiful and shit.

Oh, Troy, no, no.
That'll never happen.

They would never hire
you at Whole Foods.

You see, Laney,
this is all we need,

a couple of smokes,
a cup of coffee

and a little bit
of conversation.

You and me and five bucks.
You got it.

You know what?
Hmm?

No, no. No.
What?

Troy, I can't. I can't. Why not?
You never thought about it?

Well, yes, of course l have,but I...
But what?

I can't not be friends
with you, okay?

I don't want that. That's not what I'm
talkin' about. I'm talkin' about a...

You know, evolving. I just
can't handle this right now.

I can't evolve right now.
Why not?

Because of Michael?
No!

Yeah. Yes, yes.

My parents got divorced
when I was 14.

My dad, my dad,

he remarried six months
after the divorce.

That's quick. How did
everybody react? Um...

My mom threatened to kill
herself in front of me.

Patty got drunk in her closet every
morning before junior high school.

And you?
Well, I, um...

Somebody had to remember
to take out the trash,

sign the report cards,
buy the milk,

so, um, that kind of
ended up being me.

I don't want to get married,
'cause I see how my parents are,

and they've been together
like, um, 26 years,

and they're like brother
and sister at this point.

My mother goes to the
bathroom with the door open.

That's A
and B, it's disgusting.

I don't want any part of that.
I want first kisses.

I want passion
the whole way through.

It's better than havin' to kiss
your husband's ass all the time.

Yeah.

I think that your documentary would
be perfect for In Your Face.

Forget it. You're
probably thinking... No!

...more like, you know,
PBS or something. No! No.

I... You know what it is, though?
It's that I...

Boy, okay. When I made this thing, I
kind of made this promise to myself

that I wasn't gonna think
about where it was gonna

end up,
'cause I didn't wanna

unintentionally
commercialize it.

I think that's great. I think
you should definitely not

unintentionally do anything that
you're not comfortable with.

I mean, not that I would intentionally...
Well, plus, it's not done yet.

Right. I know.
It was just a stupid...

You know, I gotta go
to New York on Wednesday

for this huge
network meeting thing,

which is totally...
God, you would hate it.

I hate it. I just thought that they
would freak out over your tapes,

'cause they never see anything
that's really smart

and has real,
you know, quality

and is good,
like you and your work,

and I know
I'm being selfish.

Michael? Um,

that is literally,
literally,

the nicest thing that
anyone's ever said to me.

The sweetest thing that
anyone's ever said to me.

So what are you doing for
the rest of your morning?

Well, um... What am I doing?
What am I doing?

Oh, well, I have
a job interview.

Lelaina, this thing is from 1988.
I know.

So you're, like,
six years late.

I thought the ad said that this was
a job for a production assistant.

Yes, you will be
assisting me

in the production of
videotapes, all right?

You're gonna make copies for me.
Many copies.

Oh, is this like a...
Like a pirate operation?

Do I look like
a pirate to you?

Radio is all instinct,
Lelaina.

Do you know where
all radio comes from?

The gut.
It's all in the gut.

'Cause when you think on your
feet, gotta go from your gut,

and my gut is
telling me that, uh,

this isn't gonna work out. Maybe your
gut's just saying you're hungry or...

Oh, no, no, no. It's
telling me that, uh,

you're overqualified
for this job.

I'm really not that smart.

No offense, sweetie, but you don't
have any experience on a newspaper.

You're TV.

I'm trying to make my
transition to print journalism.

Ah. Why? Well, newspapers are the
last watchdogs of our government.

They enforce the checks and balances, and
a half hour of TV only adds up to one...

Okay. All right.
Define "irony."

Irony, uh... Irony.

It's a noun. It's, uh,
when something is ironic.

Well, I can't, uh, really define
irony, but I know when I see it.

Hey. Hey-

Oh, my God. I've never been so glad
to see anyone in my entire life.

This day has been the biggest nightmare.
These job interviews, Troy?

The word "vivisection,"
a staggering understatement.

I mean,
can you define "irony"?

It's when the actual meaning is the
complete opposite from the literal meaning.

Oh, my God.

Where were you when I needed you today?
Uh, I should go.

Oh, come on. Isn't there some statute of
limitations for embarrassing incidents?

Your bravado
is embarrassing.

Hey, Troy.

Come on. You can stay with
me for one cigarette.

I know you can stay with
me for one cigarette.

You and me? Five bucks?
Good conversation?

Right?

Laney.

Troy, you haven't been
home in four days.

Where have you
been sleepin'?

I g otta go.

Mom, I need to

talk to you
about a loan.

Is it for drugs?

No. No, it's not for drugs.
I was... I lost my job.

But you shouldn't have any trouble
findin' another job, sugar booger.

No, see, I tried. I applied for every
single opening in my field, but there's...

There's nothing right now.

Mmm, well.
I hate to say it,

but times are hard.

You're just gonna have
to swallow your pride.

Why don't you get a job at Burgerama?
They'll hire you.

My Lord,
I saw on TV

they had this little retarded
boy workin' the cash register.

Because I'm not retarded,
Mom.

I was Valedictorian
of my university.

Well, you don't have to put
that down on your application.

Ms. Pierce, do you have any idea what it
means to be a cashier at Wienerschnitzel?

Yeah, it's taking orders
and making change and, uh,

taking...
No. It's a juggling act.

A juggling act. You mean,
like, metaphorically?

No. I mean you got people
comin' at you from the front,

comin' at you from the back, from the
sides, people at the condiment exchange,

people at the drive-thru,
kids on bikes,

and they're all depending on who?
Me?

Yeah. You got time to lean,
you got time to clean, buddy.

You gotta be 150% on your
toes, 150% of the time.

There you go, sir, and have a
'tude, Wienerdude. All righty.

Okay, I'm gonna throw
a few numbers out at you.

You put 'em together in your
head as quick as you can.

Okay.
85 and 45. Go.

140.
Nope.

150.
Nope.

160.
It's not an auction.

Ms. Pierce, there's a reason
I've been here six months.

...for the entire summertime
occurring in one day.

Then last night we had
snow reports in Utah.

Today reports of I-70
shut due to the snowfall.

Now that very strong
jet stream...

Royalton Hotel. Is this
the Royalton Hotel?

That's what I said. Sorry.
I didn't hear you.

I'm looking for a guest there.
His name's Michael Grates?

Hold one moment,
please.

That guest is out. Would you
like to leave a message?

Oh, no, that's okay. I'll
just try again later. Thanks.

Hi, I'm Cheryl Goode, and welcome to
Wedgie, The World of Hip Couture.

This week we're in
South Central Los Angeles

at the intersection of Florence and
Normandie, the flash point of fashion.

The faddest gangsta trend
will increase your piece.

This bandana by Donna Karan is blue for
Crips, red for Bloods and only costs $75.

Ooh, hit me hoppin'
in a lifelike limbo

Lookin' out of
a smudged-up window

We're not sure where
our lives are goin'

Crazy sucker outside
begins a slow leak

Don't know where our next
dollar's comin' from

Livin' the life
of a poor musician

Hairline's gone so he keeps his
nine-to-five Grubby, grubby...

Laney, have you seen
a pack of guitar strings?

I have to bring them to the club.
I hope he knows

that he still has to pay
some rent around here.

I don't know where he thinks
he's spending his nights, but...

Do you know?

I'm late for a jean-folding seminar.
Let's locomote.

Now you can call your own personal
psychic anytime, 24 hours a day.

Thanks to the nationwide
Psychic Discovery network,

you can pick up the phone and talk
directly with a professional psychic

in the privacy
of your own home.

I was unhappy in my career, and I needed
a change, but I didn't know what to do.

I called the Psychic Discovery Network...
Nothing is going down

according to plan.
Mm-hmm.

I mean, my best friend?

I feel like I've
lost him forever,

and he was, like,
my touchstone, you know?

This man, does his name
start with the letter "N"?

Because I'm getting a very
strong "N" vibration.

Newsstand! newsstand. He
used to work at a newsstand.

Uh-huh.
Oh, God, this is unbelievable.

Honey, that's
not all I'm getting.

I mean, there are people
I know from high school,

who are already married
and having babies.

I mean, babies, okay?

I can't even take care
of a Chia Pet.

Honey, I didn't have kids until
I was on my third husband.

Oh, really?
All Geminis.

You know what I think,
Denell?

I think you still
really love Monte.

Yeah, you're probably right,
but it don't matter now.

Oh, yes, it does, Denell.

I know you're afraid,

but you gotta find him, and you've
gotta tell him how you really feel.

Find him?
I've got five...

Lelaina, we need
to talk to you.

Hold on, Denell.
Mmm. Hold on.

I'm on the phone.
Yeah.

I can see that. And we
have a $406 phone bill,

mainly due to some calls
to a 1-900 number.

Lelaina, I'm sensing
you're in some trouble.

We'd help you out,
but we're broke, too,

and we can't afford a new deposit
if the phone gets shut off.

Maybe you could, uh, borrow
the money from Michael.

Ohh, no, Sammy.
Jesus.

Laney, what are you doing?
You lay on that couch all day.

Those pajamas are like a uniform.
You run up a $400 phone bill.

You watch TV. You chain smoke.
You don't go outside.

Man, you are in the bell jar.

Look, this is
my apartment.

I signed the lease. I let you
move in here when you had no job,

no money, and you sponged off me
for two months. Yeah. Sponged?

And now Miss Big Power Monger
goes, "I'm manager of The Gap."

You think you can just come in here and
push me around? She's not bein' pushy.

Sammy, what are you even doing here?
You don't live here.

Hey, my little unemployed waif, you're the
one who's lookin' for work now, okay?

You're really enjoying this,
aren't you?

You're high. Why don't you go take a
walk outside and get some fresh air?

You've been waiting for this
since the day we met.

Who told you that?
Your psychic partner?

I'll tell you the problem with your
generation. You don't have any work ethic.

Take your friend, Troy,
for example.

I went out of my way to set up an interview
for him and he didn't even show up.

That wasn't his fault. He
asked me to call and cancel.

Everything was going on and it
slipped my mind. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

I'm sorry. But I have a work ethic, Dad.
Good. Good.

Ask anyone. All you got to do
is show some ingenuity, hmm?

Darlin', I love you and I
hate to break your plate,

but you gotta
grow up sometime.

Now, I want you to go out there
and show me some ingenuity.

Ow-w-w

Let me talk with you,
my baby

It is fair to say
that maybe

It is time for you to say we
need to share a point of view

Livin' in the never never
Droppin' out of it together

I could spend some time
forever with a girl like you

Let me hear you say yeah
Let's go

Ooo-Ooo-Ooo-Ooo

You want to turn it in
Turn it into heaven, yeah

Let's go
Ooo-Ooo-Ooo-Ooo

You want to turn it in
Turn it into heaven

Right here on earth

Lookin' for tomorrow

Can you see us one day

Beg or steal or borrow

We could live forever

Never to say never

You will be for me
I will fight for you, yeah

Let's go
Ooo-Ooo-Ooo-Ooo

You want to turn it in
Turn it into heaven, yeah

Well, that solves our first problem.
Rent's due this week.

Well, well. Look who finally
decided to grace us with his...

Presence.

This is, uh... This is, uh, Jean.
Janine.

Uh, Janine, Janine.
It was...

It was a little
loud in the club.

Excuse me.

Can't stay here, Troy. I'm
just gonna pick something up.

Well, mission accomplished.
Now leave.

I think maybe
I'm gonna wait...

Always the mistress of
etiquette, you know, Laney?

Why are you suddenly acting
like a jealous girlfriend?

We're just trying to pay bills here.
So, Troy, if you got any money...

Money? Oh, but what's
money to an artist?

To a philosopher?
It's just, uh,

green-colored paper that floats
in and out of his life like snow.

It's nothing you actually have to, I
don't know, work for, is it, Troy?

Not if you have Daddy's little gas card.
You shut up!

You shut up! I busted my ass to find a job.
You don't even show up for interviews.

What is it that you want from me? You
want me to get a job on the line,

until I'm granted leave with my gold-plated
watch and my balls full of tumors,

'cause I surrendered the one
thing that means shit to me?

You can exhale, 'cause it's not
gonna happen in this lifetime.

All right, fine. You don't want to work?
Fine. Laney, goddamn it!

Be in a goddamn band! Rehearse every day!
Play three times a night!

Don't just dick around the same
coffeehouse for five years.

Don't dick around with her.
Or with me.

Try at something for once in your life.
Do something about it. But you know what?

You better do it now
and better do it fast,

because the world
doesn't owe you any favors.

And whether
you know it or not,

you're on the inside track
to Loserville, USA,

just like him.

Okay, it's just too
psychotic in here now.

Lelaina, let's go for a walk.
Fine.

Come on, man, let 'em go.

With pleasure, my friends,
with pleasure.

"With pleasure." I really feel
sorry for that poor girl.

How about when he sneaks his
laundry in with ours?

I'm pullin' stuff out of the dryer and there's
five pairs of his boxers I've washed.

I'll just throw it back in his face.
I'm gonna do his laundry. Yeah!

He's weird, he's strange, he's sloppy,
he's a total nightmare for women.

I can't believe
I haven't slept with him yet.

Do you ever wish you
were a lesbian?

Don't you think
it would be so much easier?

Sometimes. But, aah,
I couldn't go through with it.

I'd start laughing
or something.

It's such a shame.
l am so through with men.

If one more guy walks out on me,
I don't even know what. I swear.

What are you talking about? Walk
out on you? You walk out on them.

I've seen you. You're out the
door before the condom comes off.

Listen to me, I'm just
beating them to the punch.

Okay.

You don't even know.
I'm sitting here

maybe...
Probably dying of AIDS.

And I am totally alone.

Vickie.

You're not alone.

Hey. Look, I'm sorry
for everything I said.

And I'm sorry
for being such a bitch,

but I have to tell you
you're not alone.

You're not. And you're
not dying of AIDS.

You don't understand. Every day, all
day, it's all that I think about, okay?

Every time I sneeze, it's like I'm
four sneezes away from the hospice.

It's not even happening to me. It's
like I'm watching it on Melrose Place.

And I'm the new character. The HIV-AIDS
character and I live in the building.

I teach everybody it's okay to be
near me, it's okay to talk to me.

And then I die.

There's everybody at my funeral
wearing halter tops and chokers

or some shit like that.

Vickie, stop, okay?
Just stop.

You're freaking out. And you know what?
You're gonna have to deal with the results.

We're gonna have to deal with them just
like we've dealt with everything else.

This isn't like everything else.
I know that.

All right?
But it's gonna be okay.

You know?
I know it's gonna be okay.

Melrose Place is
a really good show.

Lelaina Pierce.

ls there
a Lelaina Pierce here?

Yeah.

Hello.
Lelaina?

Hi! I had to call
you right away.

Listen, don't kill me, okay?
What? What?

l took the tape and I showed it.
No!

Wait, wait. Listen. They freaked out.
They want to buy them.

No.
Yes!

They liked if? No, they like
psychotically loved it.

They wanna pay you for it.

I know this isn't PBS,
but is this okay? Yes!

I was this close to selling fruit at
intersections! Well, don’t, all right?

Just hang on. I'm gonna get you some money.
I'm gonna be down there in a few days.

I'm thinkin' about you every second.
Hello?

Hello! Hello, hello!
Hello? Can you hear me now?

Where are you?
I'm in a phone booth.

Why are you
on a cellular phone?

I don't know. I have no idea.

Michael, Michael, Michael!
I really miss you!

I really miss you, too. I love you.
I... Oh, whoa!

I mean, I mean,
you amaze me!

No, you amaze me!

Hello, can you hear me?
No, Michael, I'm losing you.

I'm gonna call you back.
Wait. What?

Pay phone outside
always amazes me.

Hey.

Try me. I'm free.

Good mag, good mag.

Negatory.
Yeah!

Do ya hear that? Negative!
Here, let me see that.

Hey, hey! All righty.
Whoo! Thanks for coming.

A celebration zoom. Let's get
some ice cream. Okay, enough.

Ma!
I'm right here, son.

Ma.
Yeah?

I have to tell you
something.

l am a homosexual.

Oh, Christ.

Is there a support group I can join to
come to terms with my own homophobia?

Yes, there is. A group
which is named P-FLAG,

Parents and Friends
of Lesbians and Gays.

Oh. Oh.

P'flag. I'm beginning to
like the sound of that.

What you've just witnessed here
is a pre-enactment of events

that are about to take place.

Well...

I came out to her.

She's still
a little bit upset.

But you know,

you know, the real reason that
I've been celibate for so long

isn't really because I'm
that terrified of the big "A".

But because I can't
really start my life

without being honest
about who I am.

And...

I wanna be in there, too.
I wanna feel miserable

and happy
and all of that.

I mean, I...
I wanna...

I wanna be let back
in the house.

Hello?

Oh, hi.

Um, sorry. Just...

Door was...
So I just, uh...

Yeah.
She's getting dressed.

I'll just...

I don't know if she told you, I just came back
from New York with the tapes that she made.

And the stuff with you,
that's really great stuff.

That whole thing about, uh,
nobody can eat all the eggs?

That was. ..
That was really...

I was quoting
Cool Hand Luke.

Yeah, that's okay. I mean, that's...
I know. I mean, still, it's...

Hi.

Hi.
Hi.

What happened
to your normal clothes?

Wow.
Where'd you get that dress?

Oh, um, I don't know.
I just bought it.

But I think
I'm gonna change...

No, don't. You look beautiful.

You look like... You look like...
A doily.

I'm gonna change.
No, don't change.

And don't go thinkin'
for yourself either, Laney.

What is your glitch, huh?
My glitch?

You know what?
We're already late.

No, no. Hang on a second here.
Ohm!

Do you have a problem with me or something?
'Cause if you do, let's get this out.

Seriously. ls there like...
I mean, have I like, uh,

stepped over some line in the
sands of coolness with you?

Excuse me, if somebody doesn't know the
secret handshake. Come on, this is...

There's no secret handshake. There's an
IQ prerequisite, but no secret handshake.

I... This is... You, no...
Come on.

You've got this whole thing with the world.
This is really...

That's really wonderful.
This is really stupid.

But guess what? I'm a human being.
We're human beings, people.

You know?
We're not like, uh,

intelligence, uh, quotations, or whatever.
Just ignore him.

No!
Done.

Come on, let's go.
You don't need this.

You don't know
what she needs.

I think I know what she needs
in a way that you never will.

Let's go.

Baby, tell me
that my love ain't good

I don't treat you right

I don't do you like I should
Listen, this guy back here,okay?

Hi. Hi.
Hi.

So, ya ready?
Um, what's it like?

It's great.
It's great.

I haven't actually seen it yet, but
we had our best guys workin' on it.

We just put some titles on,
shaped it a little bit.

It's gonna be great.
Okay.

Okay?
Okay- Bye.

Okay, everybody.
It's a special night.

'Cause, as you know, we're entering a new
phase here at the channel: real programming.

And our first step is this
remarkable piece by Lelaina.

So hang on, 'cause this is gonna
change the face of In Your Face.

What's this?

Uh, it's transitional stuff.
Ahh.

La la la
La la Ia

The story of my life

We're finished!
School's out

Forever

l am not under any orders to
make the world a better place.

School's been blown
And you wonder why we never got involved.

To pieces

Love can make you weep

I don't want to get married,
because I see how my parents are.

My parents got divorced...
My parents got divorced...

...when I was 14.
...when I was 5.

My mother actually goes to the
bathroom with the door open.

I swore I'd never get married.
I want passion.

Let's talk about sex, baby

It turns ya on.

Would you two just do it and
get it over with? Oh, my God.

But the question remains,

how can we repair
all the damage we inherited?

I was told there'd be no math on this exam.
Can I change my answer?

The answer is simple. We're
on the road to nowhere

Jesus.

The answer is...
The-the-the-the answer is...

Pizza!
Pizza.

Pizza.

We're on the ride to nowhere
Come take that ride

Feeling okay this morning

I... It's, uh...
It's, yeah, right.

We're on the road to
paradise Here we go

Lelaina.
Here we go

Lelaina, look, I'm sorry,
all right? I didn't know.

That is not my work. That's
not what I did. I know!

I trusted you! I had no idea!
I didn't see it!

I guess it was a little slow
and they cut it up a little...

They cut up everything that
meant anything to me!

I don't even think you realize what
you've done. You don't get it.

What?
I do get it!

You have this great piece of work, and
we have this audience, these kids.

It's like trying to feed them meat
loaf and they don't want to eat it.

So you gotta give them, "Here
comes the plane!" Meat loaf?

"Open up the hangar!" But it's still
meat loaf. It was never meat loaf!

That's a bad... I'm sorry. They
were just trying to market it.

I wish I could be perfect, okay?
I wish I could be like Troy,

riding on his melted cheese sandwich and
everything... Don't bring Troy into this.

I wish I could live off of creeds
and mottos and all that shit.

But I'm in the real world
and I have ideals also.

They're that I...

I care about you and I
want to make you happy...

I just... Look.

I... I'll make them take
the pizza thing out, okay?

I'm just a bill

Yes, I'm only a bill

And I'm sittin' here
on Capitol Hill

Well, it's a long,
long journey to...

How'd the big premiere
turn out?

Fine.

They're just
videotapes, right?

Who cares?

It's... I worked so hard
on them, you know?

It's just,
I worked so hard.

Ah, forget it. I just sound pathetic.
No, you don't.

You don't sound pathetic.

I know it sounds stupid, but it
really meant something to me.

I know it wasn't gonna end world
hunger or save the planet,

but it just meant
something to me.

I just don't

understand why things just
can't go back to normal

at the end of the half hour, like
on The Brady Bunch, or something.

Well, 'cause Mr. Brady
died of AIDS.

Things don't work out
like that.

I was really gonna be
something by the age of 23.

Honey, all you have to be
by the age of 23 is yourself.

I don't know
who that is anymore.

Well, I do.

And we all love her.
I love her.

Uh...

She breaks my heart
again and again, but, uh,

I love her.

I've wanted you like this
for all these years.

So have I.

Hey.
Hi.

Where are you going?
I have rehearsal.

At 8:24
in the morning?

So that's it?
No.

No, that's not it.
I just... I, uh...

I have to go.

Got a pothead mama
Got a cokehead dad

I'm the ultramodern version
The American man

I don't feel good
But I don't feel bad

'Cause me, you see
I'm nothin'

I ain't left, I ain't right
People say I'm wrong

Before I was born
Oh, I was all gone

Don't even make sense
that I wrote this song

Tell me it's not true.

'Cause me, you see
I'm nothin'

I'm nothin'

Nothin'

That's me

I'm nothin'

Laney,

sex is the quickest way
to ruin a friendship.

Thank you. We'll be right back with
a new American cheese snack idea.

Hey, Troy.
You got a phone call.

Lelaina! Hi.

Hi. Don't say anything. I
screwed up, I know.

I should've protected you and your work
and I didn't. I'm so sorry that I didn't.

I wanna make this up
to you.

You mean so much to me,
Lelaina, and I just...

Look, two tickets,
all right? New York.

We go and we give them a presentation
of the show the way you want it done.

Michael, I don't... I know, I know.
But this time's different.

Who's the boss? Huh? Tony Danza?
I don't think so. It's you.

It's your show. And I just...

I just feel like maybe I
deserve another shot here.

Well, hi, Lelaina.
Hi.

What, is there a frog in your throat,
or are you just glad to see me?

Hi, Mike. Thanks for comin' down.
No hard feelings.

Lelaina, you're looking
a little peaked.

Yeah. Are you okay?
She's fine.

She's just had too many
Diet Cokes today.

Yeah, this girl
is cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

Heh!

So are you gonna tell him
or am I?

Could you excuse me?
Could I talk to you?

Hi.

You wanna tell me what the hell he's
doin' here? I wanted to talk to you.

What the hell do you care? You
totally bailed on me this morning.

I panicked. It happens. I thought we
could, uh, work it out, you know?

I don't know if now's
the right time for us.

I meant everything that I said to you
last night. Don't look at me like that.

Don't look at me like that.
That's not what I'm saying.

I'm not saying I...
Look.

You are the only woman that I could
ever commit myself to. So what?

Do I get a medal? I win the big commitment
cook-off and you just run away?

I knew this was
gonna happen!

I don't...
I don't wanna lose you.

I've never been in an
experience like this before.

I've never had sex with
somebody that I loved before.

God! Oh, well,
congratulations, Troy Dyer.

Welcome to the world of the emotionally
mature. It's a nice place to visit.

Hey, you may run into Michael. He
lives here. Yeah, right, Michael.

He lets you navigate that
entire relationship.

Sorry, Lelaina,
but you can't navigate me.

I might do mean things, hurt you, run
away, and you might hate me forever.

I know that scares the shit out of you,
because I'm the only real thing you have.

Oh, yeah?
Well, that ain't real much.

One, two, three, four

Hey, Troy,
man, you're on.

No bed of roses

No bed of roses

No bed of roses

Michael, I'm sorry. No, listen, I'm sorry.
That's what this is all about.

This one's for you,
Laney.

Why can't I get
just one kiss

Why can't I get
just one kiss

Believe, some things
that I wouldn't miss

But I look at your pants
and I need a kiss

Why can't I get
just one screw

Why can't I get
just one screw

Believe me
I'd know what to do

But somethin' won't let me
make love to you

Why can't I get
just one, huh

Why can't I get
just one, huh

Oh, nice job.
Very well done.

Yeah, I don't want
to hear it from you.

Yeah, well, I forgot. I'm not
qualified to talk to you.

I'm sorry I can't be Mister,
uh, "Hey, look at me,

"I'm Buddha
on the mountaintop."

You know what you
remind me of?

You're like that guy
with the hat and the bells

and the little, you know...
The court jester.

Yeah, right.

Where everything's so easy to
laugh at from a safe distance

back in Clever-Cleverland.

You know what happens
to him?

They find his skull in a grave and they
go, "Oh, I knew him and he was funny."

And the guy, the court jester,
dies all by himself.

Where'd you hear that?
A Renaissance Festival?

Besides, everyone dies
all by himself.

If you really
believe that,

who you lookin' for
out here?

You say you want

Diamonds
and a ring of gold

You say you want

Your story
to remain untold

But all the promises
we make

From the cradle
to the grave

When all I want is you

You say you'll give me

A highway
with no one on it

Treasure
just to look upon it

All the riches
in the night

You say you'll give me

Eyes on a moon
of blindness

A river
in a time of dryness

A harbor in the tempest

But all the promises
we make

From the cradle
to the grave

When all I want is you

Hello?

Hello?
You-ou

All I want is you-ou

All I want is you-ou

All I want is you-ou

Hey, Laney.
This is Lance.

Hi. Um, I just need
to know if he's okay.

Okay. All I know is
he went back to Chicago alone.

I'm not supposed
to know that, am I?

Shit.

Hi.

I was wondering if I could talk
to you a minute before you go.

See, the thing is
that, uh...

Well...
Uh, my dad died.

Oh, God, Troy, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
No, it's... No, it...

What happened
was that, um,

I kind of got this arcane
glimpse at the universe.

And the best thing I can
say about that is, uh...

I don't know.

I have this planet of regret

sitting on my shoulders.

You have no idea how much
I wish that I could go back

to that morning
after we made love

and do everything
different.

But I know that I can't,
so...

I thought that I would come
here and tell you somethin'.

And what I wanted
to tell you

was that I love you.

And, uh, I just wanted to make
sure that that was clear,

so that there wasn't
any confusion.

Um,

so, anyway, uh,

where are you going?

I was gonna look for you.

What for?

Just wanted to see
if you were okay.

Well,
I had a shitty week.

Well, Frog went a-courtin'
and he did ride

With a sword and a pistol
by his side

Uh-huh

Well, he rode right up
to Miss Mousey's door

Uh-huh

At the beep, please leave
your name, number,

and a brief justification for the ontological
necessity of man's existential dilemma.

We'll get back to you.

Lelaina, this is your dad.

Give me a call when you get this.
I need you to explain something.

I just got a $900 bill
on my gas card.

If we should fall, love will
catch us every time

I hear you call
I will run

And if the magic
of the adventure overcomes

We won't cry,
because it could be fun

What I'm tryin' to do is
constantly find those people,

find out what makes them
the best, and bring that...

I've been getting a razzing for
being bald and I'm a young man.

No more dates without
being called old man, but...

Roy, why are you
doing this to me?

I know we can be
happy together.

You'll chill in time.

Right now I need someone who understands
what my music and the band mean to me.

But it's just music, Roy.

I'm a human being
with deep feelings

who feels things deeply.

Music is feeling, babe.

The band may be a small dream,
but it's the only one I've got.

I'm Audi 5000.

Till I'm going, going, gone
Please, don't let him get drunk and drive.

Won't be very long

Till I'm going,
going, gone

You say

I only hear
what I want to

You say

I talk so all the time

So

And I thought
what I felt was simple

And I thought
that I don't belong

And now
that I am leaving

Now I know that I did
something wrong

'Cause I missed you

Yeah, yeah

I missed you

And you say

I only hear what I want to
I don't listen hard

Don't pay attention to the
distance that you're running

To anyone, anywhere I don't
understand if you really care

I'm only hearin' negative
No, no, no, no

So I turn the radio on
I turn the radio up

And this woman
was singin' my song

Lovers in love
and the others run away

Lover is crying
'cause the other won't stay

Some of us hover
while we weep for the other

Who was dyin'
since the day they were born

Well, well, this is not that
I think that I'm throwin'

But I'm thrown

And I thought I'd live forever
But now I'm not so sure

You try to tell me
that I'm clever

That won't take me anyhow
or anywhere with you

You said that I was naive and
I thought that I was strong

Oh, I thought
Hey, I can leave, I can leave

Oh, but now I know
that I was wrong

'Cause I missed you

Yeah-ah, I miss you

He said you caught me 'cause you
want me and one day you'll let me go

You try to give away a keeper
or keep me 'cause you know

You're just so scared
to lose

And you say

Sta)'

And you say

I only hear
what I want to

Ooh, my little pretty one
My pretty one

When you gonna give me
some time, Sharona

Ooh, you make my motor run
My motor run

Gun it comin' off
of the line, Sharona

Never gonna stop, give it up
Such a dirty mind

I always get it up for the
touch of the younger kind

My, my, my-y-y
Whoo

M-M-M-My Sharona

Ooo-Ooo-Ooo

Ohh, my Sharona