All language subtitles for The.Legend.Of.Awesomest.Maximus.2011.1080p.BluRay.x265-RARBG

The world's
fate is decided by legends,

men who are larger than life,

whose tales
of bra very and courage

don't just echo
through their time,

but through all time.

And so it was
with a wesomest max/mus.

Oops. Sorry, buddy.

Even if he was
one stupid motherfucker.

Hey, quantus, my main man.

How's all this stuff looking?

Good, general.

As you can see, the odds
are heavily in our favor.

Hm. Super.

Ready to finish this, general.

Something is amiss.

Super. Thanks, Larry.

Just go ahead
and top her off there.

Oo-oo, when! Okay.

To strength and honor.

Yeah, and beer and blowjobs.

Wow, meow.

Shink.

You know, why don't we
just go with the archers.

The cavalry is
too close, general.

The cavalry's fine. Sheesh.

- Fire.
- Fire!

Probably just
move the cavalry back

a little bit next
time, because this...

The gods foretold
that a wesomest max/mus

would one day become the
greatest general who ever lived.

And when your destiny has
been prophecied by the gods,

shit, you might as well
go to the titty bar

and get fucked up.

General.

Hey, quantas. What's up dude?

Check this out.

That's awesome, awesomest.

I call it a motor boat.

- What is a motor boat?
- A boat with a motor. Duh.

- And what is a motor?
- Beats the shit out of me.

Shots?

King looney would like
to see you, sir.

King looney, your father-in-law.

Your wife, the Princess.

Her father, king looney, sir?

Oh, no. She's fine with it!

You're barbarian strippers!

You blow yaks for a
shiny pebble. What the...

Thanks a lot, captain cockblock.

What is your deal, anyway, dude?

Don't you like tits?

I like tits.

You hate tits.

- I love tits.
- No you don't.

Yes, I do.

Touche.

Awesomest.

Girls, leave us.

But not for too long. These
pills only last for four hours.

King loone y, ruler
over all which he surveyed.

And crazier than
a shit house rat

with syphilis in his brain.

It's good to be king,
isn't it, sire?

Oh, yes. Yes, indeed.

Awesomest, you're the son
I never had.

What about Orlando?

Orlando's a pussy
and I think he likes boys.

Good point.

So how's married life?

You know hottessa.

Once a Princess,
always a Princess.

Yeah, just like her mother.

I think she's worried
you might name

Orlando next in line

to be king, your highness.

Wouldn't he technically
be queen?

That's good.

Okay, let's get with it.

I want you to join
Orlando in Greece.

What's he doing in Greece?

I want you to help him
kiss their hairy Greek asses.

And make sure he doesn't
piss them off,

so they don't send
millions of guys

over here to enslave us and
get weird with our women.

If I may.

I can handle this, sir.

We don't need to
bother our great general.

I am a great general.

- Yes you are.
- Yes I am.

- I was being sarcastic.
- You were not.

The fate of Troy is in
your hands, awesomest.

Okay, looney. I'm on it.

Forgive me, sire, but awesomest
can barely handle himself.

Are you sure he's ready
for such a mission?

I mean, he's always had the
army and myself to cover his ass.

You forget.
When awesomest was born

the gods said he was
destined to be a legend.

But sire, I'm not
really sure that...

We have the greatest
army in the world.

How bad can he fuck things up?

Bad.

It was the first time

a wesomest had been sent
on an important mission alone.

So he decided to talk it
over with his gold digging,

bitch ass wife, hottessa.

Like she knew what the fuck.

Awesomest.

Get your head out of your
ass and listen to me.

This is a good thing.

Daddy has never given you
this much personal responsibility.

He must finally be realizing

that Orlando is a total homo.

And Troy can't have a gay king.

You know what this
means, awesomest?

If this works out, he'll
make you king of Troy.

And that means I will
get to be the queen.

And we'll move into the castle

and have tons of servants,

and I get invited
to all the best parties.

Don't fuck this up!

No, I won't.

Sounds great!

Ooo, maybe you and I
should have a little...

Celebration.

We're married, awesomest.

You have to earn it first.

Fat ass bitch.

What was that?

N-Nothing. I was
talking about me.

I'm-I'm fat. I'm a fat man.

I wanna work out for you.

I wanna lose... do yoga with you.

Hot yoga with... I love you.

Mean while,
the self-proclaimed Greek god

king erotic, the most
ruthless king in the land.

I mean, this guy was
a real prick,

and weird in a "don't
leave him alone with kids"

kind of way, if you know
what I'm talking about.

Anyway, he was about to
conquer the savages from thessaly.

And after bringing thessaly
under Greek rule,

he would be the man.

It is a good day for the crows.

And I hear they
love the taste of thess-alians.

Yes.

Thes-sa-iians.

That's what I said.

No, you were accentuating
the wrong syllable.

Whatever!

I'm supposed to be
at an orgy in half-an-hour.

I've pushed it back
four times already.

So I'm going to be a very
generous god-king here, okay?

Rather than me
killing all of your men

let's save some lives and
some time and whatnot

and do it old school.

Your best fighter versus mine.

If my guy wins,
you submit to my rule,

plain and simple.

And if my guy wins?

Then I'll leave.

Really?

You have my word.

Deal.

Ginormous!

Jesus.

How big was his mama's vag?

Not big enough.

Testiclees.

Testiclees?

Ginormous has this effect
on many men.

Where the fuck is he?
This is embarrassing.

I mean, come on!

I'm standing here calling him,

we're all here, and
he's not answering me?

I'm so tired of this.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I
know your time is important.

My time is important.

Testiclees.

He was king erotic's
greatest warrior

and immortal among men

and kind of a puss y-lipped
bitch at the same time.

Carbs?

Shit.

Testiclees.

King erotic wants to see you.

Tell your king
I'm not going anywhere

until I'm finished
with my man-scaping.

As legend had
it, when testiclees was born

a goddess dipped him
in a magical river

that would make him
indestructible.

But since she was holding
him by his little baby balls,

testiclees ' testicles remained
vulnerable to the sword.

Testiclees.

Your swords.

Are those stories
about you true?

That I wax my ass?

That I banged my mom
once by accident

when we were both wasted?

What's the big deal?
We were both single.

No, not that.

This ginormous guy.
Biggest guy I've ever seen.

I wouldn't want to fight him.

That's why no one's
gonna remember your name.

I don't want to fight him
because I'm only ten years old.

Yeah. Whatever, pussy.

Yeah, well the only reason
you'll be remembered

is because you're named after
what's inside my ball sack, jerk off.

Look who decided to join us.

Eat me.

Why you gotta be
such a prima Donna?

You know what?
I don't need this shit.

Testiclees, wait!

Look at the men's faces.

Good lord.

You, and only you

can send them back
to their pathetic families

with one swing of your sword.

He's such an asshole.

You motherfucker!

Is there no one else?

Is there no one else?

Stop it, you dick.

I didn't think so.

Who are you, soldier?

Testiclees.

The greatest warrior
that ever lived.

And the humblest, too.

Pussy.

After conquering the thessalians

king erotic was now an
even bigger threat to Troy.

And so a wesomest met up
with his brother-in-law Orlando

at erotic's post victory party

to kiss erotic's ass,

but with no tongue,
because this silly fruitcup

would probably like that shit.

On the behalf of myself and
my beautiful young wife, Ellen,

we welcome you to Greece.

Let us drink as friends!

As friends!

At least until one of
us fucks the other over.

Oh, no. No, no, no. I'm kidding.

It's a joke.

She gets it.

You fucker!

You fucker.

Orlando. That's erotic's wife.

I know that.

Could you be any less subtle?

I could try.

Excuse me. Pardon me.

I'm trying to rendevous
with Ellen.

Fucking douche bag.

You shouldn't be here.

That's what you said last night.

Last night, I was rolling on e.

And the night before?

I think I was pretty drunk.

Yeah, you were pretty wasted.

I've been messed up all week.

I know.

This is the best
spring break ever!

Oh, Orlando.

Oh, oh!

Oh, oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh!
This boar is fantastic!

Orlando! You're amazing!

I would have never thought
of putting this with this.

You have a real eye for fashion.

Oh, my god, seriously?
You think? Really?

Well, better than any man
I've ever met.

Oh, I am so messed up right now,

butllove hanging out with you!

Me too!

I have the best idea.
I have the best idea.

You should come back
to Troy with me.

Okay-dokey. Let's not get crazy.

I'm serious. It would
be so much fun.

I have... I have
a huge trust fund.

How huge?

It's pretty big.

If you come back,
it will break the peace

between Troy and Greece,
millions of men will die,

the gods'll curse us,
we'll get burned alive.

But it's been a great week!

It has.

Plus, it'll keep my dad
from thinking that

I like guys.

What about the other day
when I caught you

watching the guard pee?

I mean, listen. I'm definitely

like, going through some sort of

experimental phase right now?

But I like chicks.

No, I do. I like chicks.

I... I like chicks.

Especially chicks with a
keen sense of style like you!

Look at that!

You're sweet.

So will you come back
with me, please?

Please? Pretty please?

Well, it could be
kind of hot to have a...

War fought over me,
so... count me in.

Yes! Yes!

Hello, Mr. Awesomest.

Hey, Orlando.

Greeks sure know
how to party, huh?

Yeah.

I love you.

Thanks.

Do you love me, too?

Where's this going?

I have something to tell you,

and you need to promise me

that you won't be mad, okay?

So put up your pinky

and let's do a pinky swear.

Oh, shit. Back to Greece!

No, awesomest! Please wait.

Hold on!

I am in love with her.

Orlando, you've been
rolling on ecstasy for a week.

You love everybody.

That's totally true.

But this one is for real.

Orlando, when the Greeks find
out that Ellen has gone missing

they're going to shit. Orlando.

This is how wars
get started, man.

If you take her back,
well then guess what, buddy?

I'm going back, too, because
this is the girl that I love.

I love her and I love you.

Okay, you're still
rolling, aren't you?

No. Yes!

Look, man. I promised
your dad and hottessa

that I would be responsible on this trip
and keep the peace with Greece. Okay?

And I'm pretty sure your dad
knows that I was the one

who got drunk and took a shit
in his sink, so I can't fuck this up.

Awesomest, please.

Orlando, are you going to let Troy
get all fucked up over some skank?

No, fuck it. To Troy!

We're going, we're not going.

You wanna make up
your mind, here?

Daddy? This is Ellen.

Ellen of Greece?

No, not any more. Ellen of Troy.

Oh.

I had no idea,
king looney, I swear.

Sound the horns! My
son's banging a chick!

It's party time!

Great news!
Welcome to Troy, my dear.

Thank you, my king.

Forgive me, sire,
but this could mean war.

Oh, fuck that.
Focus on what's important.

My son's no pole smoker.
He don't gobble no goop.

No, no sirree! I love vagina.

Vagina, vagina, vagina.

My vagina.

Her vagina. The bearded clam.

- The axe wound.
- Hey, the ole honey pot.

- Hey, the love box.
- The ham wallet.

- The beef curtain.
- The old fish taco.

The bear trap. The growler.

The pair of flaps.

The tuna tunnel.

The penis place.

Come on. Let's get
you settled in, my dear.

Son, this is a triple a
piece of ass. Woo!

Mean while,
king erotic prepared for war.

But he needed the help of
his top earner, testiclees,

who was training
with his cousin.

Testiclees' cousin emulated
testiclees in every way,

except one way.

Ow! Fucker.

Come on, testiclees' cousin.

Take it like a man.

Yeah. Come on.

Testiclees.

Testiclees's cousin.

What do you want?

I want you to fight
the trojans with us.

What are we fighting
for this time?

Their prince stole my wife
and dishonored Greece.

Why should I
care about your whore wife?

Because you will get a lot of glory
and people will remember your name.

And not just because
it's named after the scrotum.

Glory, huh?

Mm-hmm.

How much glory we talking about?

Big. A lot.

Like echoing throughout
eternity type shit.

Yeah. You could have a deli
sandwich named after you.

Shut up, testiclees' cousin.

All right. All right, I'm in.

As soon as I get
my mother's permission.

Milfia, your son is here.

Hi, mom.

Son.

You look really hot.

Thanks.

Even if she
was my ma, I'd fuck her.

So you want my opinion on whether
you should go to fight the trojans.

How do you know that?

A mother knows.

If you go to Troy and fight,

you will have glory.

But you'll die.

Yeah, I figured as much.

But if you stay here, we
could pretend to be just friends.

Mother and son, whatever.

And it can get really hot,

like the time we both
got tanked on new year's.

Yeah, I'm not really
okay with that.

I think I'm gonna go.

But we're only five years apart.

Alexander the great's mother
was six months younger than him.

Mom, two wrongs
don't make a right.

That depends on how wrong
you're willing to be.

I want you inside me.

I was inside you,

for nine months.

So you just fuck me
and Chuck me.

You son of a bitch.

I can't believe you
screwed this up.

Me? Oh, come on.

Orlando's the one that
brought the skank home.

Besides, your dad's happy.

You're the only one
who's pissed.

My dad is out of his
fucking mind, awesomest.

Now he's going to think
Orlando isn't a fudgepacker

and he's gonna make him king.

And you know what? I just
spent a fortune on this crown.

Oh, hottessa.

Look at the bright side.

Once king erotic finds out
that Orlando stole his wife,

there won't be a kingdom for
anyone to be king or queen of anyways.

Oh, come on!

You know, I bet erotic gets so
much trim, he won't even miss her.

You had better make this right.

What do you want me
to do about it?

Go ask the ephors
how to fix your mistake,

and prove yourself
in my father's eyes.

And if everything goes
according to plan,

I will finally let you.

And so a wesomest
went to see the ephors.

They were some gross,
diseased, low life sons of bitches

who claimed to consult
directly with the gods.

Either that, or they were
just high as shit.

Hi, ephors.

Hello general awesomest Maximus.

You guys look really good.

Looks like this is clearing
up since I saw you,

especially that one right there.

Ow. Okay. Not cool.

Won't you come in?

The thing about the ephors was

you may not get
the answers you came for,

but if you played
your cards right

you might get
your balls drained.

I mean, damn!

So what's the deal here?

These girls can only
channel the gods

while you guys
are perving on 'em?

Yep, basically.

It's a pretty good line of shit.

Yes, that was on me.

Okay, good. So let's
get down to brass tacks.

I fucked over
king erotic pretty bad.

And now there's probably
gonna be a big war

and my wife's gonna
be super pissed.

Yeah, so I need your help.

Let us consult the oracle.

Ellen?

What the fuck
are you doing here?

Please don't tell Orlando.

Wait a minute. How'd
you even get this job?

You've only been in Troy
an hour-and-a-half.

Friend of a friend.

Ellen, report to pole 3.

Gotta go. My turn on the pole.

All right. Well, I guess I'll
just... I'll see you at the castle.

Anyway, I know her. It's weird.

She's kinda family. I'll
explain it. Long story.

Anyway, now what?

Now what what?

I need the gods' guidance.

Let us consult the oracle.

The oracle just left.

- There are others.
- Many others.

How many?

Like seven.

Wow.

I really should have
stayed in school.

Poor thing.

You know what I like.

Do you really want me to?

Yes.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my god.

That's fucking sad
and gross at the same time.

So what's the verdict?

The verdict about what?

About what I'm supposed to do

to save Troy from the Greeks.

Right.

That.

Really mature. Great.

No, ldon% wantany.

Pussy.

The gods say you must team
up with a horse with wings,

and a owl made of gold

and you have to cut
the head off medusa.

Who the fuck is medusa?

No, no, no.

He's just fucking with you.

Oh, ha. That's hilarious.
That's great.

I have an idea.

Pick a number between
1 and 10,000.

What?

He said, "pick a number...

- I heard him.
- "Between 1 and 10,000."

Thank you very much.

Um, 300.

300?

Boom.

That's it.

What's it?

Bro. Fuckin' nailed it.

Nailed... what are
you guys talking about?

The gods say that
awesomest Maximus

must fight the Greeks
with 300 soldiers.

Wait, 300 soldiers?

Versus king erotic's
million man army.

The gods say that
anybody can beat the Greeks

with the whole trojan army.

But only a real general,
fit to be king,

can win with only 300 guys.

That makes no sense.

You make no sense.

Are you challenging the gods?

Look, I just got one question.

Is it 300 including me or
300 plus me, like 301 or 299?

Dude, it's the gods.
Don't over think it.

This is fucking ridiculous.

Oh, the gods also say that their
costumes have to be super faggy.

Aa-oo!

So? Don't they look wonderful?

Well, you don't got enough
gay shit going on here?

That's a good point. We don't.

I'll get on that.

Gotcha!

You wanna take those
long ass arms off me?

Excuse me?

Fuck with me.

You're coming with me.

Well, what do we have here?

I found him hiding in a tree.

I wasn't hiding. I'm three
foot tall, you asshole.

General, my name is
minoritees. At your service.

Minoritees. His
mom actually called him that.

Your mom actually
called you that?

What a bitch.

Yes, sheis.

I'm a son of Troy

and I wanna help
kick some Greek ass.

That was cute.

That's not cute.
Show him some respect.

He's pretty tough
for a little guy.

Thank you, general.

My mother hid me as a baby

but I spent my entire life
making myself one with spear.

My god, that was a nice thrust.

And watch this.

- You like that?
- I like it a lot.

Nice moves.

- Pretty good rhythm.
- Very good rhythm, yeah.

Here, take this.

What's this?

I call it fried chicken.

Try it. It's fucking delicious.

You know what?
It is fucking delicious.

General awesomest.

We spotted the Greeks,
attacking by sea.

Let's go get 'em.

Hold on. You're not
coming with us.

Why? Is it because I'm black?

What? No.

What kind of asshole
do you think I am?

No, of course not.

It's because I'm
a little person?

No, no.

Well, what is it then?

All right. It's because
you're black.

You know what? Fuck y'all.

And especially you, awesomest.

You watch your back. And give me
my fried chicken back, motherfucker.

Shit.

Fuck that! Big
honkey ass motherfucker!

I think we should
prepare for battle, general.

We're prepared.

You don't have a helmet
or sword.

My helmet is over there
in the weeds

- and we got swords.
- You need that for battle.

Why don't you
prepare for battle?

Should I prepare for battle?

You don't prepare for battle.
You prepare for battle.

- I'll prepare for battle.
- You will never prepare for battle.

Prepare for battle!

Oo-ah!

My first fight.

This is really exciting.

Thanks for bringing me, cousin.

I'll make you proud.

I'll be working on some
sick sword combo moves.

There'll be dead
trojans everywhere!

Actually, you're gonna be
staying on the ship.

Are you serious?

I can't fight and watch
your ass at the same time.

That is such bullshit.

Testiclees?

Are you sure you don't want
to wait for everyone else?

I mean, we're only
ten dudes on a boat, here.

Look, yeah.

There might be thousands of
them, with bows and arrows,

and they'll have a huge
strategic advantage over us

because they'll be attacking
us from an elevated plain.

And yeah. Our goal
of taking the beach

might be easier to achieve
if we had waited

for the thousand ships
behind us,

but we're not just ten dudes.

We're ten tough dudes!

Am I right?

Yeah!

Do you know what's
beyond that beach?

An open bar!

No, but I like the way
you think.

Hot trojan ass?

More gay shit?

Who said that?

Definitely him, not me.

So what then?

Immortality!

Takeifl ifs yours!

Yeah!

All right, testiclees.

I really hate to be that guy...

Well, you're being that guy.

I'm trying to think
of things rationally.

Whenever someone says,
"I don't want to be that guy"

then they're being that guy.

We are most likely gonna
be really outnumbered.

Don't you think it'd be
a good idea if we waited

to attack with everyone else,

just to give us an advantage?

So we don't suffer heavy
casualties to our greatest fighters?

Well, just remember.

They'll remember your name
when you're gone.

Who?

They!

Who's they?

Other people.

Why do I care
if people I've never met

remember my name after I'm gone?

Dude, talk to your boy.

- Bill?
- Jeff?

- Bill?
- Jeff?

- Bill?
- Jeff?

He is testiclees.

He knows what he's doing.

What could possibly
go wrong at this point?

Oh, shit!

Nice strategy, asshole.

Aw, shit.

Shit, shit, shit.

Dude, you were totally right.

I know.

You don't have to
be a dick about it.

I'm not being a dick.

Just stay still.

Walla!

You are a work of art,
you are good to go.

It's stylish, it's sexy, but
it's scary and intimidating.

It's really good.

Yeah, all you need is a dress.

What was that?

I said you should
address the men, general.

Most great generals...

I'm a great general.

Two seconds? I'll be right back.

Yeah, take your time.

Yeah, cuz this
is going to take awhile.

It's gonna be that good.

Looking forward to it.

Okay, boys?

I'm not much
of a speech making guy,

but here we go.

I guess the big question is
why are we here?

The truth is we could
probably just give up

and run away and
live to see another day.

Oh, that rhymed.

And yes, run and you'll live.

And you might actually realize
a lot of your hopes and dreams

and do some of the pretty cool
shit that you've wanted to do.

I mean, Hank, I know you've
been talking now for a long time

about going on that fishing
trip with your daughter.

Right?

But if you die today, that's
never going to happen.

And then your daughter
will grow up without a father

and she will probably become a
pailer at some crappy strip club.

You know, like some dude twice
your age dragging his stinky, hairy junk

across her titties for two
drachmas and a compliment.

She
will probably feel very alone.

What the fuck are
you doing, Orlando?

What does it
look like I'm doing?

I'm going to fight.

Is the trojan army
taking girls now?

No, I'm a man
and this is what men do.

I'm tired of my father
thinking I'm a pansy.

Orlando, my boy.

Yes, daddy.

My son, this is
the trojan sword.

As long as a trojan
keeps it safe,

the trojans have a homeland.

But if you lose it in battle,

then we become a homeless,
dirty, wandering tribe of savages.

No pressure intended, my boy.

But can you handle it?

Yes. Thank you, dad.

Now go and kill some
hairy ass Greeks!

Guard? When he gets
his pansy ass killed,

bring me that sword.

Yes, your highness.

Hey, giuseppe!

You always wanted to take
that pottery class.

And... and learn to cook?

Italian food! I cook
for everyone.

Yeah! But now, instead
of spaghetti and meatballs

it's gonna be spaghetti
and you're fucking dead!

Erotic! We gotta talk.

So talk.

What's with that
piece of shit tent?

It's all we had in the budget.

You don't get it, do you?

When this is all said and done,

all they're going to
remember is testiclees.

Oh, please!
You're just a soldier.

I'm a god-king.
That's like two things.

Is that right?

Yes, that's right.
It's two things.

Well then I'm out.

Until you groan to have testiclees
back? You're on your own.

Only king erotic can refer
to himself in the third person.

Testiclees can too!

Stop getting in my face!

What's the matter?
You got a problem

with testiclees in your face?

Well, not usually.
Just in this instance.

Now you can watch
testiclees walk away.

Come on, testiclees' cousin.

Let's go!

King erotic,
you're a douche bag.

Take me to meet
the trojan general!

Hi.

Hi.

Is that the trojan sword?

It is. My daddy gave it to me.

It's the reason Troy
has never lost a war.

I'm gonna be a hero. Oh.

Aw, this will be fun.

Why did you draw
a dick on your face?

It's not a dick. It's a sword.

Why does it have balls?

That's the handle.

Whatever.

Well, let's go see how
pissed this guy really is, huh?

We're so fucked.

Look, whatever you do.

Don't let this guy know how
scared shitless we are, okay?

Oh, my god. That
chariot is gorgeous.

Yeah, it's pretty nice.

Hi, erotic.

We meet again, assomest.

Actually, it's awesomest
is my name, but...

I came to reclaim my property.

Hey, bro? Not gonna lie to you.

Kinda creeping me out right now.

Ah, how about now?

That feels kinda good,
thank you.

This whole thing
has made me very tense.

I can feel the tension.

You hold it in your shoulders.

That's what my massage
therapist told me.

Can you do one of
those little circular things?

Oh, wow wow!

You sir, have
the hands of a god-king.

I am a god-king.

Well, that's why, I guess.

Doesn't awesomest
look like a born leader?

With me at his side, he
could become a great king.

We could produce
lots of healthy, strong...

Ellen?

Yes, king looney?

Come sit on my lap
so I can fondle you

while we watch Orlando
getting his ass kicked.

Okay.

Ooo, dear god have mercy.

That sure is a lot
of guys you brought.

My archers
will block out the sun

with their arrows.

That's actually
preferable for me

because I freckle very easily.

Look, I was thinking.

Instead of all of this war,

maybe you and I could
just work it out, you know.

Dude to dude.

If you get down on your knees

and kneel before erotic,
and give Ellen back to me,

then I will only
enslave your men

and rape your women twice.

Once.

We'll rape the women once.

You don't want to wear them out.

Never kneel.

Sorry.

A trojan never kneels.

Orlando, what the fuck, man?

Oh, my god. I'm so sorry.

What are you trying to do?
Suck his cock?

I thought that was
what he wanted.

How the hell could you
leave me for this?

For this guy?

I was banging half your guys
before I left, you asshole.

You, come here.

You fuck my wife?

If you tell me the truth,
no harm will come to you.

You fucked...

Holy shit!

Dude, you gotta chill.

Please, can we just
talk this out?

No more talking, assomest.

It's time for the killing
and the maiming.

Although I love this makeup job.

Oh, I did that earlier
this morning.

Oh, well. Kudos.

You are going down.

Let's do this!

I think that went well.

Attack!

The stage was set

for the biggest battle
of all time.

The trojans had the high ground.

The Greeks had way more guys.

All that stood between Troy
and oblivion

was a wesomest and his 300.

Hold.

Hold.

Hold.

They know to hold.

They're still hundreds
of yards away.

Constantly repeating yourself
is just fucking annoying.

Look, dude. I'm a general, so
if I want to say hold a dozen times

I guess it just sucks to be you
because that's the way it goes.

I'm just saying, the more you repeat
yourself the less importance it has.

The less importance it has.

I don't think that's necessary.

I don't think that's necessary.

This isn't a good example.

This isn't a good example.

- I'm a jackass.
- You're a jackass.

No I said, "I'm a jackass."

I said, "you're a jackass."

That's really mature.

You're really mature. Oh, shit!

Oops, sorry buddy.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

What are we gonna do?

We'll push them off the cliffs.

That gives me anidea.

Let's push them off the cliffs.

We're pushing you off the cliff.

We're pushing them
off the cliff! Yeah!

Keep pushing them off the cliff!

Yeah, we totally pushed
you off the cliff!

We're Troy!

Stop!

You're pushing me
off the cliff. Whoa...

Oops.

Prob-probably dead.
Probably dead?

Yeah?

Yeah.

The trojans took
the loss of their general hard.

Fl awesomest was the best
trojan ever born fl

fl awesomest, now he's dead.
Now it's time to mourn. Fl

fl awesomest, what a guy.
Why did you have to die? Fl

Even quantas lost his shit.

Fl awesomest Maximus,
good-bye. Fl

It's all there was.
It isn't fair.

Hottessa took it even harder.

I was too hard on him.

Now I'll never become queen.

Here.

This will take your mind off it.

Thank you.

Oh, why?

King loone
y was loonier than ever.

Wait, who was it
that got killed?

As was customary
when an army lost its leader,

both sides agreed to
a 12-day truce.

But being the trifling
asshole that he was,

that didn't stop king erotic from
looking high and low for an advantage.

You like?

I like.

Oh, I like.

Awesomest was cruel

and denied you.

And was a little bit
racist, you know?

Whereas I am generous.

True that, man. True that.

If you tell me how
to penetrate the trojan walls

anything you want you will have.

A threesome.

Yes.

A foursome, with like,
all girls.

Oh, yeah.

You will be given both daily.

You will be given jewels
and drink.

Look, you got me. I'm in.

The key to getting in the...

Beautiful morally casual men
will give you daily ass play.

Wait! What the fuck?

Homey don't play that!

I know. I know
what you are thinking.

How can erotic be this kind?

Listen, man. I don't
really go that way.

You'll be given golden showers,

dirty sanchezes, Roman helmets.

Look, you had me
at jewels and drinks.

You ain't had to keep on going.

But you can have it all!

Space docking,
snow balling, bestiality,

all the man juice you can drink.

Six feet of venetian blind cord
shoved right up the pee-pee hole.

Wait! What the fuck? Ain't
nothin' going up my pee hole!

Are you crazy, motherfucker?

And let's not forget
the shocker!

The shocker? You can't
give no man the shocker.

Oh, yes you can.

Oh, shit.

But little did the trojans kno w

their general wasn't dead.

Just a little lost.

For a big man, he was
a real good swimmer.

It had something to do
with mass and displacement.

Anyway, a wesomest
was still alive.

Sort of.

Damn, dog. I thought
you was dead for sho.

Where am I?

Slave market.

This prick is about
to sell our asses.

Come on, buddy.
I give you good deal.

You must be Jewish.

Here, take this.

It'll take the pain away.

Trust me. It's some good shit.

Easy, easy.

Hey, buddy.

Have a look at my stock, huh?

We have good deal today.

Two for the one on the slaves.

But only today.

Hey! Motherfuckers! Shit.

Take me to dinner before
you just grabbing asses.

Hey.

Mark of the legion of Troy.

He's a spaniard.

No I'm not.

I don't even speak Spanish.

Trust me, buddy. I once banged
girl who said she was Lebanese,

it was complete bullshit.

She was a spaniard.

Hola.

Como ay yama?

- I'll take 'em both.
- Deal

two for one, right?

Not for these.

I am approximo.

And I bought you so I
could profit from your death.

You're gonna live,
fight and die for me.

And that's not
even the good news.

The good news is I got
you guys two for one,

so you were really cheap.

And I'm gonna make
a lot of money.

What an asshole.

He certainly is.

Anyway, it's
a lose-lose for you.

Well, hey man. I forgot
to introduce myself.

The name's awesomest Maximus.

Right.

And I forgot
to introduce myself.

I'm Julius motherfuckin' Caesar.

You think I'm lying?

No, bro. I'm for real.

Check this out.

You see?

I did that myself.

I was fucking wasted.

If you're really
awesomest Maximus

then what the hell
are you doing here?

You know what?
I'm not exactly sure.

The last thing I remember

my troops pushed me off
the edge of a cliff.

See? That's that bullshit.

No, it was totally an accident.

It was racism, man. All right?

Pushing motherfuckers
over cliffs?

You're trying to hold
a brother back.

Come on, man.

Anyway man, look.

Even if you're him,
you ain't him.

I'm sorry. Him?

Awesomest Maximus.

Okay, I... I don't follow.

Oh, my god.

All right. Check it out, man.

Word on the street is

the real baby awesomest got
dropped off a cliff by accident

the priest found your fat ass
to pawn you off as awesomest

so he could cover for himself.

Bring out the
future baby general!

Yeah, we want to see him!

Shit!

Awesomest!

Could I have this for a second?

-Yes.

No, that's my baby!

Awesomest! Awesomest!

I present to you,
our future general,

awesomest Maximus.

Come on! Show us his junk!

You mean to tell me
that when I was a baby

I was dropped off a cliff?

Cliffs are ruining
my fucking life.

You're not listening, are you?

All right. Check it out. Look.

Everyone knows all of awesomest
Maximus' ancestors was hung

like trojan horses, right?

What you packin'?

Hey. Okay.

No, no, no, dude. Trust
me, man. I'm packin' it.

I mean, you know, it's...

If I'm excited. If the
girl is pretty enough...

It's usually... I don't
know how to...

Oh, my god.

Hey, do I have
to separate you two?

Oh, my god.

No, no, no. It wasn't
nothin' like that.

I'm explaining something.

Do you mind if I touch it?

Just to see if it's real.

I'm awesomest Maximus.

And I'm Alexander the great.

Man, there's always
a few in every bunch.

So you see, dog? You just
ain't the real awesomest.

I'm sorry I had to be
the one to tell you.

By the way, my name's Jamal.

I think your dick
is on my foot, Jamal.

Oh, my bad.

That evening, a
wesomest thought about all the shit

that happened to him
in his life.

And it was a very dramatic
moment for him.

Yo, awesomest. Watcha doin'?

Praying to the gods.

And what are you praying for?

I need their help.

I have to prove myself,

change my life,

become a true warrior.

Yeah, well. I want a
blowjob and a ham sandwich,

but some shit don't work
out the way you want.

You know what I'm saying?

Attencione.

Hombres, por favor.

King erotic has organized
some gladiator games

during the time of peace in honor
of the dead general whatshisname.

And guess who got the contract?

I got the fucking contract

because I'm the fucking man!

It's time to prove yourself,
change your life,

and become a true warrior.

But anyway, that means
you're going to Troy to compete.

Nice.

Yeah, well don't get so excited,

because you gotta go
to gladiator camp first

to sharpen your skills, so
you don't embarrass my ass

in front of thousands of people.

So pack your shit, gentlemen.

Gracias, sefior!

Yo, gods. Can I get a
blowjob and a ham sandwich?

Please?

Jamal didn't get
his b/o wjob or his ham sandwich,

but he and a wesomest did
go to the gladiator camp,

where for the first time, a
wesomest would quit fucking around

and take his training seriously.

Fuck!

That's a tie!

That's a tie.

That's improvement!
You're improving.

Your cardiovascular
endurance is improving, too.

Run, you idiots!

Good, good!
Now you gotta kill him!

Huh?

Kill him!

Yeah!

That's it.

Now you're gonna
have to Bury him.

We have no one else to do it.

But good for you.

Ladies and gentlemen!

Welcome

to an afternoon
of killing and maiming.

Why don't you cut
that gay shit off?

This is sponsored by king erotic

and approximo productions.

Come on, dad. We're going
to miss the decapitation.

These gladiators
have been trained

to die horrible,
disgusting deaths

for your entertainment.

I like it when they
eat the people.

If any body parts
fly into the crowd,

you can keep them,
except the liver.

Hottessa.

If you can hear me,
I'm either dying today

or coming home
fit to be your king.

So keep me in your thoughts.

Awesomest, you smoke without me?

Not today, Jamal.

I have to stay focused.

And they're drug testing, so
you might want to watch that shit.

- Shit. Word?
- Word.

Hey, what the... hey!

What kind of gladiator
are you, man?

I'm an accountant.

First up is a little
something I like to call

the annihilation of abacus,
the accountant.

This guy screwed up my books

and he is gonna pay.

Oh, fuck!

You won't see that
motherfucker no mo'

tickets.

I got two in front.

You can see blood
and guts, everything.

Can we, dad?

We'll take two.

Get your beer here.

Can I have a beer, dad?

Are you nuts? What kind of
a parent do you think I am?

Next we have the chubby spaniard

versus the spumoni brothers
of Pompeii.

Woo!

That nigga got skills!

Are you ready for some football?

Go, go!

Yeah!

That's what
we're here for. The killing.

And the spaniard looks like
he's gonna be the next superstar,

so get your trading cards now.

This kid is gonna kill
right to the top.

Testiclees.

It's testiclees.

Testiclees.

Oh, don't worry. I got this.

I think.

He's my guy.

Fuck him up
you big motherfucker.

What the fuck?

I thought this asshole
was immortal.

Wow, gladiator camp is the shit.

Are you not entertained?

Are you not entertained?

Is this not why you're here?

Actually, I'm here
for the tiger mauling at 4.

Me too.

Okay, then let's just let
this be a lesson to you all

about the dangers of jumping onto
the field of play during sporting events.

Who is this masked man?

Especially you kids, all right?

Tell approximo
I want to meet him.

Drop your weapon. King
erotic wants to meet you.

Now look chubby spaniard.

Just spaniard actually is fine.

I'm not even crazy
about that, but...

Okay, well look.
You were terrific today

I mean, the way you
smash a head,

I mean, just really nice stuff,

and I would like
to represent you.

I want to be
your representation.

That's a wonderful offer,
but can I think about it?

Look, I could give you
any kind of grape you want.

Globe grapes, Concord grapes.

Globes are nice.

You like blowjobs?

Who doesn't love a good blowjob?

Ever have one
in the back of a chariot?

You know what?' I have not.

I'm not that adventurous.
I'm a vanilla guy.

It's a little bumpy,
but still, it's...

Spaniard!

Take off your mask.

And anything else if it
makes you more comfortable.

It's awesomest.

It's awesomest.

My name is awesomest Maximus,

commander of the world's
greatest super power,

husband to a hot, pushy
but sexually enlightened wife,

and slayer to the
invincible testiclees,

so yeah, I'm kinda the shit.

It's not testiclees.

Huh?

He didn't kill testiclees.

He killed his cousin.

You killed me, you fucker.

Jackass!

No, no, no. That... it
was a different...

He jumped in and he
was blond with...

Fuck. I'm sorry!

Should we kill him, my king?

No, I have another idea
for assomest.

Awesomest.

What's the idea?

I'll tell you later.

You can't just tell us now?

I tell you later.

Cry mercy and it will all end.

Blow me.

You know I would,

but this is the time where
bad stuff happens to you.

What?

Sir, we have some news
from the arena.

I told you I didn't want
to be disturbed

unless erotic groaned
to have testiclees back.

As far as I know, there
hasn't been any groaning.

Well, it's your cousin, sir.

He went dressed up as you
to the gladiator games

then he...

Spit it out!

We were really tanked, and...

Your cousin, he jumps into
the gladiator pit on a dare

and this gladiator who actually
turned out to be awesomest...

You know the general from Troy?

What happened to my cousin?

Awesomest mistaked him
for you and cut his head off.

How could anyone
confuse me for my cousin?

I'm five inches taller
than he is.

I've got better bone structure.

I've got 16% less body fat

and our muscle densities
aren't even close.

Confused my cousin for me?

Awesomest, you're a dead man.

What do you want to see next?

Fat lady!

Fat lady, fat lady!

That be some big bitches.

Damn.

Sit on his face!

Sit on his face!
Sit on his face!

Erotic, you sick son of a bitch.

Please, just kill me!

Freedom!

This motherfucker's mine.

Oh no you don't,
you little glory hog.

You! Take him!

Let's go bitches.

Look. Here comes awesomest.

Open the gates.

Somebody looking for a general?

Awesomest!

This will not be over quickly.

That would be a first.

And you will not enjoy this.

That wouldn't.

That night a wesomest
received a true hero's welcome.

His ne wfound strength
and staying power

drove hottessa wild with desire.

They were man and woman,

conqueror and conquered,

master and gimp

In the end, he moved
her soul, melted her heart,

and made her cum a lot of times.

And vice-versa.

Hey, don't knock it
until you try it.

How could you idiots
let him escape?

Us? I'd say you were
a little culpable there.

Kinda forgot my place
there, didn't I?

We have to attack them
before they attack us.

But we still cannot
breach their walls.

Okay, look.
I'll help you out here.

And after thinking about it?
I'd even try a golden shower

one time, okay? But I
get to pick the showerer.

Otherwise, it's twosome,
threesome, booze and jewels.

None of that other bullshit.

Are you sure?

No man juice?

I'm sure.

Suit yourself.

Now here's the big tip.

We gotta get a big wooden dick
and drag it all the way up here.

Look at that. Big ass fucker.

Some people send flowers,
some send wooden penises.

Shh, shh.

But it's real nice.

Artistically speaking,
not in any gay way.

Don't Hercules that joint.

It reminds me of a
Macedonian I used to date.

Was his name achmed?

Yes.

We gotta bring it into the city.

We should bring it into
the city and deal with it.

This could be a trap, my king.

There could be Greeks hiding
in there, ready to jump out

and kill us after we
bring it into the city.

We should bring it into
the city and deal with it.

My king, I urge you.

We should take it and burn it.

You might be right, quantas.

But who am I to look
a gift cock in the mouth?

To the city.

Back it up!

And now push it in.

Back it up again.

And please push it in again.

Do it a little slower.

Just ram it in for fuck's sake.

Yo, bro. I'm sorry
about your cousin, man.

We're cool, right?

No, no, it's um... huh?

Oh, my god.

That was awesome.

I think you mean awesomest.

Yes.

I never knew you had it in you.

Actually, I had it in you.

I liked it when
you punched me in the face.

- Did you like that?
- I did. It was passionate.

How about a little
slap and tickle.

Awesomest!

The Greeks
have breached our walls.

What? How?

A giant penis.

Thank you. But how?

They're sacking the city.

- - Shit!
- Fuck!

You have done well,

my little friend.

Is your hand up my ass?

Maybe.

Man, get the fuck off of me.

Erotic.

Kiss my black ass, motherfucker.

Let's spare the soldiers' lives and
settle this the old fashioned way.

Your best fighter versus mine.

We win? You leave Troy forever.

And if we win?

Then we submit to your rule.

Deal.

Testic...

I'm right here.

You're either too late
or you're too early.

Your timing is horrible.

Get over it.

And who is your best fighter?

Orlando!

Just kidding!

Oh, my god.

I just shit my pants.

You should have seen your face.

I'm kidding.

I'm gonna fight him.

Great. Let's do this.

I got a loincloth wax at three.

Woo-hoo-hoo!

Come on!

I know, right?
This shit is sick!

You can't kill the
indestructible testiclees.

That's my boy.

I saw this going
differently in my mind.

Leave him alone, Mr. Testiclees.

If you wanna deal with someone,

then you deal with me.

Oh, my god.

His name is testiclees

because his testicles
are his weakness.

Ain't that motherfucker
a genius?

Time for testiclees
to end this shit.

The end is near.

Oh. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. That's
it. Take your time.

Oh, my balls.

Oh, my balls!

Who's this chick?

Please. He's my only son.

Dude, that's your mom?

Mommy.

Mommy.

Shh. Let me kiss it
to make it better.

Oh, my god. That is so sweet.

There's nothing like
a mother's love.

Awesomest!

This was supposed to be
my moment.

Greeks!

Trojans!

Ah-oo!

No, no! Wait!

Wait for what?

Awesomest, listen. I know
that he's a bit of a meany pants.

Uh, a bit?

But he's just...
He's misunderstood.

No, I'm not.

Yes you are. Don't you see?

All of this murdering
and enslaving,

it's you overcompensating.

Overcompensating?

Yes.

For what?

For who you really are.

Right here.

It's true.
He sees right through me.

I know I see right through you.

It's because I... I love you.

I'm gay!

Shit, I knew it.

Wow.

Don't you understand?

Why do you think that I
took Ellen in the first place?

I was trying
to make you jealous.

I mean, people died.
Things got a little crazy

and I feel bad about it,

but I was trying to
get a rise out of you.

Oh, my god. Why didn't
you just say something?

Because I didn't
know what to say.

Oh, me too. I was so
jealous when you came to visit

and all the time you
were spending with her.

I knew it!

Who cares about
being king of Troy?

Oh, girl. You can still
be the queen of Greece.

You know what? Fuck
Greece and fuck you!

I mean, come on!

This whole war started
because you two...

Faggots

wouldn't come out of the closet?

I had to climb a mountain
and fell off a cliff.

I lived in a cage.

I got smothered
by greasy cellulite.

I even killed a special
needs kid, for what?

All right, look.

Erotic, if I let you live, do
you promise to return home

and leave Troy the fuck alone?

And Orlando. Do you promise
not to steal anyone else's wife

or cost the lives of thousands
and thousands of men.

Yes, I do.

Okay, that's just great.

Then by the power vested in me

as the general
of the trojan army

I declare this war over.

We win. You lose.

Awesomest!

I am so proud of you.

Thanks, babe.

I have some good news
and some bad news.

Okay, good news first.

Troy is safe.

You have become the man
I always knew you could be.

And I will get to be the queen.

Fantastic. What's the bad news?

I'm in love with Ellen and
she's moving in with us.

Fantastic. What's the bad news?

I always knew you'd be into it.

What's the bad news? Okay, bye.

So what'd he say?

You're in.

Awesome! Awesome!

And so it
was that the wrong baby

became the right man.

A man who became a general,

a general who became a legend,

a legend whose name will echo
not just through his time,

but through all time.

The legend
of a wesomest Maximus.

And that's a true story.

But what's with
the stupid voice?

I just do that to make
it sound more important.

Please, are you
actually telling me

that you're buying
this guy's goat shit?

I mean, he's just trying
to get into our togas.

Listen, you bitch.
All this really happened.

It's a true story.
I'm gonna be the king.

And where is your
wife, the queen?

Hottessa? Probably
back at the castle.

We got a, you know,
an understanding.

Kind of an open thing.

Get a newline, douche bag.

Come on.

I thought he was kind of cute.

She's been drinking on my tab...

The world's
fate is decided by legends,

men who are larger than life,

whose tales of bravery...

Oh, suck my awesome balls.

General, sir. I have
underestimated you.

Today, you have shown strength.

You have shown honor.

Today, sir, you have
come a long way...

You said "come."

I'm trying to give you
the respect that I believe...

I'm trying to give you
the respect...

- Are you repeating me?
- Are you repeating me?

We're going to play that game?

We're going to play that game?

You are by far...

You are by far
the worst general...

You're not even a general.

- Unbelievable.
- What's unbelievable?

- I thought you'd changed.
- I have changed.

You haven't changed a bit.

Ichanged the fucking world.

My name's Edward barbanell

and I approve this
Shakespeare monologue.

Oh, from you the fire.

Do you remember
when I cut Darren in half

all the way down
to his balls, right?

I visualized the whole thing.

Really? I wouldn't
have known that.

Give me back
my fried chicken, motherfucker.

Hey, hey.

We're good at musical chairs.

That's true. Most people
who win musical chairs

go on to kill and kill.

Is the... Jeff, I can't
do this. Come here.

I mean, this guy's an amateur.

I've never even heard of
fucking the revenge of the nerd.

A kingdom for a stage,
princes to act,

and monarchs to behold
the swelling scene.

Yeah! See?

You need some fucking therapy.

Freak.

Let's go trojans!

Between you and me, your
highness, hottessa's been on the rag.

Well, don't be an idiot.
That's natural.

Um, um. Just try doggy fashion.

Some women prefer it.

Check it out.

Ar-ar-ar.

It's a burden.

This whole war was
started because you two

watch it.

Shit.

Is there no one else?

This is pushing my face.

Turning the accomplishment
of many years

into an hour glass.

And admit me, chorus,
to this history.

Who, prologue-like, may
your humble Patience pray,

kindly to judge, our play.

Great!