All language subtitles for Kissin.Cousins.1964.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

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Strategic Air Command Logistics
considers Big Smoky Mountain...

...a most important site in this group
of ICBM missile bases...

...one that we feel will be vital
in this defense pattern.

But the Tatum family
owns Big Smoky Mountain...

...and has for more than
a hundred years.

Captain North and Lieutenant Roth
report that all attempts to negotiate...

...ended in negative.

- They were forced to retreat under fire.
- Oh, hell's fire, Andy.

You're not gonna let
Tennessee Mountain lunatics...

...throw a monkey wrench
in the National Missile Defense.

But, Sam, Big Smoky Mountain
is private property.

- We can't resort to force.
- I know that...

...but we can defend ourselves,
can we not?

Yes, sir.

Well, then send in a fresh team.

Now, I want Army engineers
to start site preparation...

...on old Smoky in seven days,
and that's an order.

Yes, sir.

That'll be all, gentlemen.

"Salbo, Robert Jason. Captain.
Serial number 97-887-711.

Just completed tour of duty,
Goose Bay, Labrador.

Prior to that--"

Korea, Okinawa, Formosa,
Saigon, Algeria.

You seem to have had more than
your share of foreign duty, captain.

Yes, sir, general,
that's what my wife contends.

Sir, my home is here in Washington.

If I get to see my wife tonight,
it'll be the first time in three years.

Well, now, captain, if you complete
Operation Big Smoky within seven days...

...I think I can promise you a long
tour of duty right here in the Pentagon.

Oh, thank you, sir.

On the other hand, if you fail to get
that lease from these mountain people...

...we do have some bases in Greenland,
and you may never see your wife again.

- Well, sir, I've never failed a mission yet.
- Good.

- Remember, this operation is top-secret.
- Yes, sir.

Now, who are you picking
for the other half of your team?

Sir, I'd like a personnel check made
to see if we have an officer...

...who was born
in the Great Smoky Mountain area.

Someone who speaks the same language
as these rebellious mountaineers.

- Good thinking, captain.
- Thank you, sir.

Run an IBM check
through Air Force personnel.

I want an officer who was born
in the Great Smoky Mountain area...

...of Tennessee, North Carolina
or Georgia.

Have him report to Captain Salbo
on the double.

Second Lieutenant Josh Morgan
reporting as ordered, sir.

These are my orders, sir.

- At ease, lieutenant.
- Thank you, sir.

- F-84 Star jet pilot, eh?
- Yes, sir.

I'm a member of the Shooting Star
acrobatic team.

We're supposed to do a show
in Houston.

I don't care whether you pilot a jet
or a flying carpet.

I'm interested only in the fact...

...that you were born
in Hidden Rock, North Carolina.

Now...

...how far is that
from Big Smoky Mountain, Tennessee?

Well, sir, on a clear day...

...you can see old Big Smoky Mountain
from my front porch in Hidden Rock.

Good, good, good.

Now, Big Smoky is owned
by a mountain family named Tatum.

- Have you ever heard of them?
- Tatum?

Yes, sir. I had a great-great-aunt
that married a Tatum back in 1907...

- ...but we lost track somewhere along--
- We'll get you back on the track.

Now, the Tatums flatly refuse
to lease the top of their mountain...

...for an ICBM missile base.

Our job is to get that lease,
and within seven days.

- I take it it's an important mission, sir.
- Top-secret.

Well, then begging the captain's pardon,
may I make a suggestion?

- Oh, by all means.
- You better pick another mountain, sir.

That's a very interesting
suggestion. Why?

Well, sir, it's like biting into a beehive.

Well, let me put it this way, lieutenant.

If we don't get that lease, my next
tour of duty would be in Greenland.

- Oh, that would be too bad, sir.
- Yes, it would.

And guess who would be
my executive officer?

- You wouldn't, sir.
- Oh, yes, I would.

Well, in that case,
may I make another suggestion?

Well, I hope it's a little better
than the last one.

If I'm gonna sweet-talk these Tatums
into giving us that lease...

...I better not be in uniform.

Anything from the government
gets shot in the Big Smoky, sir.

I don't care if you wear a bikini,
just as long as we get that lease.

Our plane leaves for Tennessee
in 30 minutes.

- Let's go.
- Yes, sir.

Oh, sir, there's this little old gal--

Who's gonna be a little older
by the next time you see her.

- Yeah.
- Move it, lieutenant.

She's a little old now, sir.

I'm just a Smoky Mountain boy

Comin' back to the hills I love

With the tops of pine
A-bendin' in the wind

And the deep blue sky above

The closer and closer I get to home

The more excited I am

Those were the mornings
I'd roll out of bed

Start the day off with hot cornbread

Smothered in huckleberry jam

I'm just a Smoky Mountain boy

Comin' back to the hills I love

With the tops of pine
A-bendin' in the wind

And the deep blue sky above

I can almost hear the hounds
Runnin' through the woods

Close on the trail of a hare

How I long to be with them
Followin' the hounds a-huntin' again

A-getting me a big old grizzly bear

I'm just a Smoky Mountain boy

Comin' back to the hills I love

With the tops of pine
A-bendin' in the wind

And the deep blue sky above

I've traveled around and met lots of girls

No matter how many I see

I left some pretty ones behind
I know back home is where I'll find

The girl whose love is meant for me

I'm just a Smoky Mountain boy

Comin' back to the hills I love

With the tops of pine
A-bendin' in the wind

And the deep blue sky above

- What does that mean?
- Just a neighborly first warning, sir.

What's the second warning,
a land mine?

Column forward!

Take cover!

Second warning, sir.

What the...is going on?

Sergeant, take a rifle squad
and get those snipers.

Get them with what, sir?

This is no time
to play 20 Questions.

We haven't got any ammunition, sir.

- No ammo?
- That's right.

Lieutenant, what happened
to the ammo I requisitioned?

The ammo, sir?

Supply wouldn't honor it, sir,
because you forgot to sign it.

I see. And you forgot to bring it back
for me to sign it, eh?

Well, I don't think we need it, sir.

See, these people wanna be our friends.
Watch, I'll show you.

Hey--!

That's no way to start a friendship.

All right, since you're a mountain expert
and don't need any ammunition...

...shag your tail out there
and make friends with the natives.

- You mean you want me to go there?
- That's exactly what I mean.

But these people
are shooting ammo, sir, live ammo.

- Now, lieutenant.
- Yes, sir.

- Wait a minute.
- Yes, I will, sir.

- What's going on?
- You'll need a white flag.

- A white flag?
- Yeah.

Where is it?

- Well....
- What is that?

I was on leave, sir,
when they called me for this duty.

- This will have to do.
- I see.

Good luck, lieutenant.

Yeah.

Hold your fire, friends.

Hold your fire.

Hold your fire.

Hey.

This is a friendly visit.
There's no reason for shooting.

This is Tatum territory, Yankee.

Now, take your gas buggies
and skedaddle off of Pappy's mountain.

That's no way to be greeting kinfolks.

- Jodie?
- Jodie?

Who's Jodie?

What are you doing with my face?

Well, that's a right good question, friend.
What's your name?

What's yours?

I'm Josh Morgan
from Hidden Rock, North Carolina.

Then you is kinfolk.

My name's Selena Tatum.
That's my sister Azalea.

Howdy. This here's our cousin
Jodie Tatum.

If I'd known you gals were so downright
good-looking, I'd have been here long ago.

Don't let him sweet-talk you.

- He ain't proved he's kinfolk yet.
- Oh, I can prove that too.

My Great-Great-Aunt Euphrasia
married a Tatum back in 1907.

See, Jodie. He is kinfolk.

Practically kissing cousins.

To you two gals, not him.

What you doing up here, Cousin Josh?

Well, we came up on a friendly visit
to talk to you folks.

Sort of on government business.

Yeah, well, we've seen
them revenuers before.

We sent them back down
with lead buzzing around their tails.

You hush up, Jodie.
Them was no-account Yankees.

I reckon Pappy and Ma will be
right glad to meet you, Cousin Josh.

Hezekiah, meet your cousin
Josh Morgan.

Hello there. Hello, buddy.

That dog's got a mighty
powerful handshake there.

- That wasn't no dog. That was me.
- Jodie, you quit that.

I'm a champion wrestler
of Smoky Mountain.

I ain't taking nobody to meet Pappy
unless I throw them first.

Well....

- Maybe you scared, Cousin Josh.
- Jodie.

That's all right, Selena.

Okay, Jodie, I'll give you a try.

Pour it on him, Cousin Josh.

Watch out he don't gouge you.

Go on, get him.

Bite his hand.

Give it to him.

Jodie, come on.

The revenuers are after us.

- Give it to him, Josh.
- Twist his arm off, Cousin Josh!

Who's side you on anyway?

Sounds like the lieutenant's
in trouble, captain.

Yeah, fix bayonets.

Fix bayonets!

Okay.

Move them out. Extended order.

Deploy your skirmishers. Move out!

- Come on.
- Come on, Josh!

- Get him, Cousin Josh.
- Cousin Josh.

- Don't let him push you around.
- Give it to him, Josh.

Don't let him push you around.

Look out there, Josh.

That's it. Come on.
Watch out, Josh. Hit him right there!

Selena, the revenuers are coming.

- Come on. Get up, Jodie. Get up, get up.
- The revenuers are after us.

Come on there. The revenuers
are after us. Come on.

Jodie, stop that fighting!

Hold it! All right, hold it!

- Hold it.
- Revenuers.

Hold it. You're surrounded.

We never had targets like this in training.

Never mind. Mr. Morgan!

- Yes, sir?
- What's the meaning of this?

Well, sir, may I present
Selena and Azalea Tatum.

This is Captain Salbo.

Oh, how do you do, ladies?
I'm delighted to make your acquaintance.

However, I feel I must warn you
that firing on the United States Army--

And this is Jodie Tatum,
great-great-grandson of my great--

Great-Great-Aunt Euphrasia Morgan.
I know, I know--

Two of you, eh? Just what I needed.

Champion wrestler of the whole
mountain. You wanna wrestle?

No, thank you, not at the moment.

Morgan, will you arrange for these people
to take us to their leader.

Pappy'd fill you full of lead
unless he was prepared for your coming.

- Jodie will take you to the cabin.
- Oh, thank you.

I'm sure there'll be room
for you ladies in the jeep.

We'll just soften Pappy up
with Cousin Josh first.

Come on, Cousin Josh.
We're taking the shortcut.

Shortcut?

All right, lead on, Macduff.

- The name's Jodie.
- I was just jok--

Put that thing away.

Here, take this. Let's go.

- Come on, Josh.
- Hurry up!

- Well, here we are.
- Yep, here we are.

There are lots of girls in the mountains

And they're worth their weight in gold

When they're in my arms

With their love and charms

A treasure chest I hold

Well, there's gold in the mountains

Love in the hills

I don't need those city women
With them diamonds and frills

There's gold in the mountains

And, oh, what scenery

The prettiest girls I ever did see

There's such beauty there
In the mountains

You can feel your knees growing weak

Every single boy
Feels the height of joy

When he climbs that mountain peak

Well, there's gold in the mountains

Love in the hills

I don't need those city women
With them diamonds and frills

There's gold in the mountains

And, oh, what scenery

The prettiest girls I ever did see

I said there's gold in the mountains

Love in the hills

I don't need those city women
With them diamonds and frills

There's gold in the mountains

And, oh, what scenery

The prettiest girls I ever did see

I ever did see

I ever did see

Let's go find Ma.

- Ma!
- Ma?

Ma!

Ma, where are you?

- Ma!
- Nobody's gonna hurt you.

- Ma!
- Jodie.

What you done to your hair?

Where'd you get them clothes?

Why aren't you doing your chores,
you lazy, good-for-nothing--?

- Ma!
- Let me be. Let me be.

Ma, that ain't Jodie.

- It ain't?
- No.

It's Josh Morgan.

From Hidden Rock,
North Carolina, ma'am.

Well, how come you is the spitting image
of my nephew Jodie?

It's probably because we're cousins.

Morgan? Oh, n--

Morgan? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, back in 1907.

That no-account Jubal Tatum,
he married up with a Morgan.

- I remember my pa telling about that.
- My Aunt Euphrasia.

Oh, well, welcome
to Smoky Mountain, cousin.

- Thank you.
- Gals, where's your manners?

Go get that coffee pot boiling.
Come on, cousin.

- All right.
- You gotta come in the house with us.

- Jodie, you all right?
- I'm all right.

Then go pen up them chickens.

Oh, Mrs. Tatum, I presume?

- I'm Captain Salbo.
- He's a friend of mine, Ma.

Yes, indeed, and may I say
how pleased I am...

...to make your acquaintance,
Mrs. Tatum.

Yeah.

Well, since you're a friend of Josh's...

...I reckon maybe you can join us
inside for coffee.

- Thank you, Mrs. Tatum.
- Folks round here call me Ma Tatum.

- That's Ma, Ma.
- Yeah.

I might've known it.
Them Kittyhawks is a-coming.

Kittyhawks? Are they dangerous?

I don't reckon they'll bother you none.

Here they come.

Hey. Sergeant-- Stop that. Stop that.

- Lieutenant Morgan, do something.
- You dang men-starved critters. Now get.

Come on, get out.

- Get away from those soldiers.
- Get the men in the truck.

Get back in the truck.

How many times I must tell you
Kittyhawks to get down in your valley?

Get off my land. get, get, get.

You get. Get, you hear me?
You hear me? Hear me?

- Ma, what's these government soldiers--?
- Platoon, fall in!

- Just a minute, Pappy.
- Fall in? Fall out!

Get out! Get off my land!

- Get off the hill--
- Just a minute, Pappy.

We got a surprise for you.

I've got enough surprises around here
with all these jezebels...

...and these Kittyhawks
and these government critters.

- Mr. Tatum--
- Hush up, you.

Jodie?

- Jodie, what'd them gals do to you?
- That ain't Jodie.

- Well, why ain't it?
- That's your cousin Josh Morgan.

A cousin?

Sure got the sassy face of a Tatum.
Where'd you get that?

I guess I got it from old Jubal Tatum.
He ran off with my great-great-aunt.

Euphrasia Morgan.

Jubal and Euphrasia?

You is welcome, boy.
But now these here government critters--

Pappy, this is Captain Salbo.
He's a good friend of mine.

- Government man a friend of yours?
- We came up to talk business.

Yes. Mr. Tatum, we're here
to discuss the matter of--

Whoa up, you, whoa.

I don't discuss nothing
on an empty belly. Nothing.

Josh, you wanna come to chow,
well, we can talk after.

- If you want, you can bring him with you.
- Where can we camp?

Couldn't they camp
at Porcupine Flats, Pappy?

Porcupine? On my Porcupine?

- It'd just be for one night, Pappy.
- Well, all right, Josh.

Jodie!

- No-good troublemaking critter.
- Hey, come back here.

I told you to quit messing around
with them Kittyhawks.

- Look here, Jodie.
- I wasn't doing anything.

Them's awful pretty girls, Pappy.
So why they so much trouble?

Them and their kind have been running
around this mountain for years...

...stirring up the game.

They're looking for men to marry
who'll give them boy babies, that's what.

There ain't been nothing but gals born
in Kittyhawk Valley in 20 years.

Mr. and Mrs. Tatum, thank you very much
for your dinner invitation and....

- Lieutenant, take over.
- Yes, sir.

Pappy, Ma, thank you very much,
and we'll see you tonight.

- Tonight.
- Okay, men, back in the trucks.

Don't you disturb a twig up there
in Porcupine Flats now.

Everything's hooked up
and operational, sir.

- All right, sergeant, that's all.
- Thank you, sir.

Lieutenant, get me SAC headquarters
at the Pentagon.

All right.

Big Smoky calling Big Blue.
Big Smoky calling Big Blue.

Captain.

This'll make the big brass sit up
and wag their tails.

Hello, Big Blue.
Captain Salbo calling General Donford.

Top priority.

Donford speaking.

Yes, Salbo.

You are? Have any trouble?

Well, sir, we had a little lively
sniper fire at first...

...but I resorted to my usual diplomacy,
and everything's under control now.

- What's that, lieutenant?
- Oh, I'm sorry, sir. It was nothing.

Sorry, sir. Yes?

Yes, indeed. Matter of fact, the lieutenant
and I are having dinner with the Tatums...

...at their cabin this evening,
to discuss the lease.

Excellent. That makes you one day closer
to a Pentagon job, Salbo.

Or six days left for me
to decide where to send you.

Salbo, get that lease.

Yes, sir.

Lieutenant, General Krueger wants
a daily progress report in triplicate.

How am I supposed to do that, sir?

How? With a typewriter, paper
and carbon, that's how.

Well, even if we had that stuff,
I'm no typist.

I don't think anybody else up here is.

All right, tomorrow when you go down
for mail and supplies...

- ...pick up a steno clerk and a typewriter.
- Right.

And let's hurry up.
We can't keep the Tatums waiting.

Something smells mighty good, Pappy.

The night air brings out the smell
of that sour mash.

What's he doing here, Pappy?

That's Jubal's boy.
They came to eat and talk.

I ain't eating nothing with him
until I done whupped him first.

Any whupping to be done here,
I'm gonna do it, you're gonna get it.

Ma, you--

Now, you go out there and eat
with them pigs till you find your manners.

That was pretty, Ma.
You still ain't lost your touch.

- And you is the prettiest girl--
- Oh, Pappy.

Oh, Pappy, now stop it.

You're sweet-talking me all the time.

Well, everybody, come on and eat now,
before the vittles get cold.

Know something, Cousin Josh?

No, what?

I don't wanna throw nobody,
but I wouldn't mind getting throwed.

Oh, come on, Azalea.

Madam, words fail me.

Your culinary talents
supersede the most exotic cuisine.

You don't like it?

- Oh, no, no, no. On the contrary.
- He means he'd like some more, Ma.

Oh, well, that's good.

Good, good. I like to see a young fella
who's a good eater.

I must say, in all my travels,
I've never tasted anything quite like it.

You ain't, never?

Oh, shucks, it ain't nothing
but possum tails, owl gizzards and grits...

...fried in bear grease.

And then that there gravy,
that's just goat's milk...

...with vulture eggs
and mashed catfish eyes.

The catfish eyes brings out
the flavor of the possum tails.

Excuse me.

I think I forgot something in my jeep.

Why'd he leave in such a hurry?
Did something come up?

Well, not yet, Mr. Tatum,
but I think it might.

Smoke, Cousin Josh?

From our own tobacco patch
down by the crick.

Oh, that's mighty good smoking.

Now, Josh...

...what's this vital important talk
that you two meant?

What do you want?

You don't look so good.

It must be the mountain air.

Eat your supper.

Mr. Tatum, let me explain.

We are a site-activating team
from SAC, Strategic Air Command--

You ain't gonna get no place
unless you start talking American.

Excuse me, captain, let me explain.

Please do.

- Well, you see, Pappy, the government--
- Whose government?

The United States government.

They wanna use the top of this mountain
to build an ICBM firing base.

- BM?
- Ballistic missile.

- Oh, I see.
- That's right, ICBM.

You see BM?

Well, I don't.

Me neither, Pappy.
And I ain't so sure of what I heard.

My turn.

Mr. Tatum, don't you get
the newspapers up here?

Oh, sure. We use them
to patch the holes in the wall.

Your turn.

Hey, Pappy, come here. Look.

See?

- It looks like somebody's still blowed up.
- Now you're getting the idea.

It's not a still though, Pappy.
It's a rocket.

It's like a big bullet
with explosives in the end.

When it hits the target...that's it.

Yeah.

Why they use such a big bullet
just for target practice?

Well, it's part of our
National Defense System.

You know, ICBM.

You see BM too?

How can everybody see it but me?

I give up.

Pappy, they're not used
for target practice.

They won't be used at all unless
somebody starts a war against us, see?

- Oh, you mean if there's a feud?
- Yeah.

Yeah, we protect our country,
like you do against the revenuers.

I see.

You see BM now too, Pappy?

I think so.

But no:

Mr. Tatum, the point is, our government
wants to lease the top of your mountain...

- ...for $500 a month.
- Five hundred dollars a month?

But since yours
is a very special mountain...

...the government will raise that
to $1000 a month, right, captain?

- One thousand dollars?
- That's a powerful hunk of money.

- One thousand?
- Think of the things we can get.

Just think, we could get one of them
newfangled bathtubs and purty dresses.

And a new hot-water heater.

That crick gets mighty cold
in the wintertime.

Yeah, maybe one of them
electric-light machines.

Whoa up there,
the whole kit and caboodle of you.

I can't think with you all
bellowing at me.

And not a peep out of you three.

Well, now, Josh...

...the Tatums
owned this mountain...

...for quite a spell.

It was a good way of life,
peaceful and....

Of course, we had a lot of fun
when the revenuers came.

But things don't stand still
anymore, Pappy. You have to progress.

Progress? Progress?

You want me to be like
one of them city fellas...

...busting a gut to make money
to put new-fandangled doodads...

...on female critters?

They is in the grave
when they is 50 years old.

That's right.

Our mountain men ain't considered
in their prime till they's nudging 90.

Great Scott, man.

The security of our nation is at stake.
Now, where's your patriotism?

You can bet I ain't wearing it.

It's here, here, here.

Now, you shag-tail back
to Porcupine Flats.

- You get.
- But, Mr. Tatum, I--

I got a powerful piece of thinking to do...

...before I turn this mountain over
to a bunch of government critters.

- Now, you get.
- Well, I didn't--

- I'll see you at the base later, captain.
- Oh, yeah-- Well, yes. I.... Well....

Oh, thank you, ma'am,
for a very unusual supper.

He didn't finish it.

Josh, if it wasn't for you...

...I'd have blasted him and all those
Army critters right off this mountain.

Well, I know how you feel, Pappy,
but don't be too hard on the captain.

He got shot in the head
over in Korea, see?

That must've hurt.

That poor half-witted critter.

From now on, you treat that captain
with love and kindness, you hear?

Well, I'll study on it.

One boy

Two little girls

Three hearts

Yearning for love

Although it's hard to explain

I know it may sound insane

But this one boy

Loves two little girls

Folks say

Three is a crowd

To each boy

One girl's allowed

But right now I'm having such fun

I just can't give up either one

'Cause this one boy

Loves two little girls

There will come a time

I'll have to settle down

But until that time

I love two girls hanging around

Now, one day

I must decide

Which one

I'll choose for my bride

But till we three must part

I've twice as much love in my heart

'Cause this one boy

Loves two little girls

I betcha you can't catch me
unless I let you.

- Betcha I can.
- Leave her be, Josh.

It does her good to run around
when she gets that feeling.

I ain't gonna run alone
and leave you here with him.

Now, just a minute, gals.
Look, we can play games later.

Now, I gotta talk to both of you.
I need your help.

Oh, anything we can do, Josh.

We need the top of this mountain.
It's to protect us all.

Well, I'm willing, but Pappy
and his pappy before him...

...have been dead set
against government critters.

They won't bother you folks at all.

Well, I don't know if I like that.

I don't mean it like that.

I mean that Porcupine Flats
is far enough away...

...that Pappy won't even know
that the base is there.

Hey, there's a lot of mighty pretty things
you could buy...

...for a thousand dollars a month.

We'll just have to pin him down, Josh.

Oh, speak for yourself, Azalea.

If we try to sweet-talk Pappy,
he'll know and he'll whup us good.

Well, then think of this.

You'll have the whole United States Army
chasing after you, huh?

Yeah. It might be worth
a whupping at that.

- What's that?
- It's the Kittyhawks.

Well, they must've spotted you,
Josh. Come on.

They gone?

Yeah. We must've fooled them this time.

Yeah, ain't it a shame?

I mean that the Army boys aren't here.

Well, we'll talk to Pappy for you,
Cousin Josh.

- Yeah?
- No matter how hard he whups us.

And we'll just keep talking
till either him or us gives up.

You don't know
what it means to me, really.

We're having fried squirrel and cornpone
for breakfast if you'd like to come.

I'd like to, but the captain's sending me
down to Knoxville in the morning.

Mountain-style, honey.

Josh! Josh!

- What'd I do wrong?
- Nothing that I could tell.

Now it's my turn.

I don't know about that.

Josh, please?

Won't you show me how to kiss?

Put your lips on mine

Do you do it just like this?

Tell me I'm doing fine

We got a good thing going now
Take your time

Come on and make it last

Love may be new to you

But, ooh, I'm catching on fast

Give, give

Give me all you got to give

Love, love

Love every moment you live

Now you've taught me all you know

Have I passed the test?

Show me all you got to show

Baby, you're the best

But tell me I've learned quickly
And I know each trick

I'm sure love's gonna last

Love may be new to you

But, ooh, I'm catching on fast

Can I marry up with y'all?

I can't think of one reason why not.

Oh, I can.

Selena's oldest,
and she's gotta get married first.

Just have to teach her how to wrestle,
so she can throw old Jodie.

Hey, lieutenant.

- Yeah?
- You been swimming?

Oh, you might call it that, yeah.

- Sure beats flying F-84's, doesn't it?
- But it's just as dangerous.

Oh, I don't know. All depends
on how you wanna die.

- Take that little Selena gal, for instance.
- You like that, huh?

Oh, are you kidding? What's not to like?

I know what you mean, sergeant.

Sergeant.

- Yes, sir?
- I'm gonna give you a new assignment.

You're to capture the affections
of one Selena Tatum.

When I give an order, sergeant,
I expect you to snap to.

Yes, sir.

Boy, for an assignment like that,
I gotta get my snapper fixed.

All right, men, you have your
assignments. Now, go to work.

- Lieutenant, dismiss the men.
- Yes, sir.

Halt. Attention. Dismissed.

- All set, lieutenant.
- All right, sergeant.

You better gas her up
when you get to the base.

Right, sergeant.

- Hey, Josh, wait for us!
- Josh!

- Oh, hey, look, we got company.
- Wait a minute!

Hi.

Can we hitch a ride
to Knoxville with y'all?

Be my pleasure. Hop in.

We wanna buy them fancy things
you was telling us about.

Yeah, and we got $6.87 cash money too.

I'd like you to meet my old friend
Sergeant Bailey.

How do you do?

I'll be right back.

- Snap to, sergeant.
- Yes, sir.

It works.

You know what I thought
when I saw you on the trail yesterday?

I'm a-listening.

I said to myself, "George--"
That's me.

I said, "George, there is,
without a doubt...

...the most gorgeous female
you've ever seen in all your life."

Well, keep right on talking,
George, honey.

Baby, you are Cleopatra,
Helen of Troy...

...and Marie Antoinette
all rolled up into one.

Well, don't keep talking
about your old girlfriends.

Just talk about me.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

So it's as simple as this, captain.

The gals are the only ones that can
help us get that lease from Pappy.

And if a small investment will keep them
on our team, I think it'd be worth it, sir.

Just what are you getting at, Morgan?

Look, captain, they got $6.87.

To them, that's a big deal.

Now, what can it cost SAC?
Maybe 10, 15 or $20 at the most.

You mean you want a requisition
for their purchases in Knoxville?

Yes, sir.

- Good thinking, Morgan.
- Thank you, sir.

If I'd known you was coming, I'd have
had Josh bring you to supper last night.

There'll be other times.
Like tonight, maybe.

Save your money, girls.

The captain has something to tell you.
Captain.

Ladies, all the things you buy
will be with the compliments...

- ...of the Strategic Air Command.
- Josh, honey.

- How about that?
- Oh, Josh.

And now, ladies,
I suppose your pappy has decided--

Our pappy whupped us good.

And then went possum hunting
with Hezekiah.

He's still thinking
about that lease, ain't he?

- Him and Hezekiah.
- Possum hunting?

This is no time to go hunting.

- Every minute counts.
- Now, just a minute.

Selena, remember what Ma told us.

You gotta treat him
with love and kindness.

Oh, yeah. On account
of his poor, miserable head.

Lieutenant, I'm sure
you'll pardon my curiosity...

...but just what is wrong
with my poor, miserable head?

Pappy Tatum was so mad, he was gonna
throw us off his mountain last night.

Oh, as bad as that, huh?

I'm sure you'll agree that the situation
called for drastic measures, sir.

But what has this got to do
with my head?

Well, I explained to them
that the reason you blew your top...

...was because you got shot
in the head in Korea.

You told them I wa--?

- You told them I was nuts?
- Drastic measures, sir.

Lieutenant.

The girls are waiting, captain.

Hey.

Hello? Yeah, this is Dixie.

Oh, hello, Mr. Billingsly.

So, what else is new?

They what?

Are they still there?

Where did they go?

The Tatum property?
Big Smoky Mountain?

Thanks, Billingsly.
You've done it again.

If I'm not back by morning,
tell the boss to send help.

- Jodie.
- Hey, look what we got.

What are you gals doing
in your underwear?

They ain't underwear, Jodie.
Them's bikinis.

Ain't they purty?

They're pretty skimpy.

I just took them into town
so they could buy a few little things.

They's little enough, and pretty darn few.

You just wait till Ma sees you
in that stuff.

We bought something nice for you too,
Cousin Jodie.

This is my cousin Jodie.

A few generations removed.

Jodie, this is PFC Midge Reilly.

- Hello there.
- Hello.

They didn't remove far enough,
did they, lieutenant?

You know, you're just about as pretty as
a little old speckled pup, you know that?

Thank you, I think.

Jodie, you come on back here
and see what we brung you.

Lookit, Cousin Jodie, a gun.

I thought you'd look handsome in this.

- And a shirt...
- Well, I'll be doggoned.

...with yellow flowers all over it.
Lookit. Isn't it purty?

- Yeah.
- And some striped pants.

- Striped pants.
- Oh, and a scarf too.

Oh, we want some
purty underwear too.

Well, we brung you some.

But only if you promise
to stay away from our menfolk.

And that means Jodie too.

Oh, we'll stay away from him,
but will he stay away from us?

Yeah.

Well, you promise or not?

Where is they?

They is just willy-washy. Thank you.

Well, you just go willy-wash
somewheres else.

And don't forget your promise.

Now, you get, all of you.

Hello, girls. I'm Dixie Kay
with the Evening Courier.

Excuse me, ma'am.

You see, we're conducting
an experiment.

Mr. Billings at the Bon Marché
department store told me...

...that the Strategic Air Command picked
up the whole tab for this shopping tour.

Well, Cousin Josh says that's because
the government's so real big-hearted.

You see, it's an experimental
project, ma'am.

They wanna build a missile base
on top of Pappy's mountain.

Quite an experiment, lieutenant.
Pappy who?

Pappy Tatum. Our pappy.

Come on, gals,
we gotta get going. Jodie.

Put up this tailgate.

Tell me, lieutenant...

...is this a new government policy
for obtaining land leases?

No comment.

Stand up, girls.

Sit down. We gotta go.

- Stand up, girls, and take a deep breath.
- Look, don't take any pictures, please.

Thank you.

Okay, fellas, lend a hand.

Oh, no, you don't.

Any female PFC gets special treatment
here at Porcupine Flats.

And I'm Toby, your official greeter.
What's your name, honeybun?

PFC Midge Reilly.
Serial number W2-349-687.

The rest is classified information.

36"- 24"- 36".

36"- 22"- 35".

Sir, this is PFC Reilly.

Yes.

A WAC? Well, lieutenant,
didn't they have any male typists?

There were no male typists available, sir.
She volunteered for the job.

All right, let's get to work, Reilly.
I have some reports to send out.

Sir, about the requisition....

Oh, yes. The requisition.
Our little mountain maidens.

I suppose they purchased
a few charming little trinkets.

- Yes, they certainly did, sir.
- Good, good.

Well, let's see what we ha--

Three thousand, one hundred and--

Lieutenant, I-- Lieutenant!

Lieutenant!

Jodie.

Selena.

Azalea?

Jodie.

Selena. Where in tarnation are you?

Azalea, why ain't you filled
that hog trough?

Oh, I ain't got time, Ma.

I gotta make myself purty
for Cousin Josh.

Beelzebub and black beetles,
what's going on here?

You forget them city ways, and get on
and get out there and do your work.

Later, Ma. I'm getting gorgeous
for a certain male critter.

You wouldn't dare sass your ma like that
if your pappy was here.

He'd whomp the hide off of you.

And what in tarnation is that?

That's some of that fancy powder.
I put it on my face.

Well, looks more
like cooking flour to me.

You better not get near the stove,
you'll break out in biscuits.

Oh, Ma, leave me alone.
I just wanna be purty.

You'll be purty
when I get through with you.

And just look at you.

Why, that face would scare a saint
out of a thicket. Now, come on.

- Ma!
- Come on.

- Ma, I've gotta look purty.
- Come on, and you too.

You'll look purty when I get through
with you. Open that door.

There you go. Now, get.

- Ma!
- You're gonna get yourself all mixed up.

- Let go! Ma!
- Now, come on with me.

- But we look so purty.
- Ma, you're drowning me!

You're not gonna go through that
looking like those ugly city girls.

Come on. Here, get away from here.
You leave Josh alone. Now, come on.

- Come on. You too.
- Get out of there.

You promised to keep
your hands off. Now, get.

Now, get, before we rip them bikinis
right off of you.

I know we promised.

But we just went all willy-washy
when we saw him come driving up.

Well, we'll willy-wash you,
you-- Just get.

Get!

Okay, gals, come on.

Get.

Well, if that don't take
the rag off in the bush.

Josh, I hate to do this to kinfolk,
but with children full of sass...

...neglecting their chores
and stirring up trouble, I got no choice.

Go back and tell that Captain Salbo
to pack up his gas buggies...

...and hightail it off our mountain,
and take his presents with him.

Oh, no, you can't do that.

- You can't do that.
- I can and am.

If you'd just listen to my side
of this thing, maybe--

I seen and heard enough.

Nothing will make me change my decision
unless it's Pappy, when he gets back.

- Here's the mail, captain.
- Good work.

What took you so long, sergeant?

I'm sorry, sir, but the commander
at the base stopped me.

He wanted me to make sure
you saw this.

Oh, no.

- Reilly!
- Yes, sir?

What's the meaning of this outrage?

Well, sir...

...I'm a stenographer, not a spy.
And anyway, I was only a passenger.

Bailey, take the jeep and bring back
Morgan, dead or alive.

- Yes, sir.
- On the double.

Lieutenant.

- How are you making out with Selena?
- That's not important.

- You know you're wanted dead or alive?
- So, what else is new?

Sir.

Sir?

Good work, sergeant.

It's about time somebody
did something right around here.

- That's all.
- Yes, sir.

- Sit down, lieutenant.
- Thank you, sir.

Lieutenant, I hope I'm not interrupting
one of your romantic escapades.

Would you mind telling me
what is the meaning of this?

Yeah, well....

Looks like we just got caught, sir,
that's all.

Mr. Morgan, Big Smoky
is a top-secret operation.

- If Washington hears of this--
- I don't think they will, sir.

This is just a local newspaper.

But if you want something
to worry about, listen.

What's that?

Jodie and the girls are fussing around
with the clothes and things they bought...

- ...and they're not doing their chores.
- So?

So Ma got mad and says that we gotta
break camp and get off of this mountain.

Oh, no.

Big Smoky.

Captain Salbo speaking.

Oh, General Donford. Yes, sir. Well, I--

It's in the Washington papers?

Well, sir, I can explain. I--

Yes, sir, but I-- Well, sir, I--

He hung up.

General Donford will be here
tomorrow afternoon.

That's good, sir. Then I can explain
the whole situation to him.

Morgan, I've changed my mind.

Greenland will be bad enough
without you as my executive officer.

I'll have you flying the milk run
to the Arctic Circle! Dismissed!

- Yes, sir.
- Reilly!

Yes, sir?

Reilly, Mrs. Tatum
has ordered us off the mountain.

The general will be here
tomorrow afternoon.

I want you to take the jeep, go up
and have a little talk with Mrs. Tatum.

Man to man. Woman to woman.

- Make her change her mind at all costs.
- I'll do my best, sir.

How I long for the days when all I had
was a war to worry about.

Hello there,
you purty little speckled pup.

- Oh, you let me go, you possum player.
- What's the matter? What's the matter?

You let me by. I'm on an important
mission for Captain Salbo.

I knew the first time I laid eyes on you,
that you was meant for me.

You're not for me,
and I'm coming through.

Ain't no need trying to fight me.

I'm the champion wrestler
of this whole mountain, ma'am.

- How about it?
- Well....

Well, maybe you're right,
you poor moonstruck ape.

I can't conceal

A tender feelin'

Now that you

Are close to me

I look at you

With tender feelin'

And can't help kiss you tenderly

I offer you a true devotion

All life through

My love I vow

For this is real

This sweet emotion

This tender feeling I have now

Somehow I knew

From the moment our lips first met

You'd be the girl

I could never forget

No other love

Could be appealin'

I loved you

Right from the start

And with each kiss

I'll keep revealin'

The tender feelin'

In my heart

You spoiled the whole dad-blamed thing.
Wait a minute.

Hey, where'd you go? What--?

Hey. You're gonna get tired
some time.

You might as well just say
you're gonna marry up with me.

- Ma?
- I hears you. What?

Well, if we do our chores...

...all of them, regular, would you--?

Nope.

But, Ma, if Josh leaves now,
I may never see him again.

I made my decision.
Hand me that bucket of mash.

It makes no never mind
how we feel, child.

We gotta think of our kinfolk
and what this mountain means to us.

I....

I just came by to say goodbye.

Josh, honey, I tried.

Yeah, I know. I heard.
That's the way it goes.

I knowed you was right smitten
with Cousin Josh...

...and I think he is with you too.

But if it's as powerful as you say...

...then you'll find a way.

Pappy and I did.

Hezekiah, where you been?

You look like you was drug
through a mole hole backwards.

Where's Pappy?

Oh, you got lost from him, huh?

Well, come on, come on.
Take me to him.

Come on, come on.
Take me to Pappy.

Oh, that can mean only one thing.

He ain't only lost,
he's in a passel of trouble.

Oh, what'll I do?

Ma, we heard the howling. Hezekiah.

- What's the matter, Ma?
- It's Pappy.

He got himself
in some kind of terrible trouble.

- How do you know that?
- Hezekiah come back alone.

Come on, Hezekiah.
Come on. Take us to Pappy.

He howls like that
every time you say...

...P-A-P-P-Y.

He ain't trying to lead us, that means
something bad's happened all right.

Don't cry, Ma.

I'll get you some men, and we'll search
this mountain until we find Pa--

P-A-P-P-Y.

Oh, you is real fine kinfolk, Josh.

And I is powerful ashamed
for treating you so downright shameful.

That's all right, Ma. That's all right.

You'll never get away from me.
So you might as well stop running.

Come on, why don't you give up?

I can't go any further.

Come here, you little speckled pup.

Jodie, I didn't mean to hurt you.

Jodie, let go of that little critter.

Oh, Mrs. Tatum,
I've been looking for you.

Yeah? You got a might sidetracked
there, didn't you, little one?

Men.

Men.

Magpie calling Blue Quail.

Magpie to Blue Quail.
Magpie to Blue Quail.

- Come in, Blue Quail.
- Blue Quail receiving, over.

You mean you lost
your whole squad, captain?

That's what I said.

Good grief, mine's missing too.

It's them durn Kittyhawks.

And they never give their men
critters back unless they's worthless.

Stay where you are, captain.
I'll be right there.

We got here just as soon as we could.

Well, where's Morgan?

Josh!

- They got him too.
- Oh, fine.

We can't find Pappy,
my men have been kidnapped...

...the general's due here any minute, and
it's a cinch I'll never see my wife again.

Well, they just gotta be around here
somewheres close.

Come on, captain, we'll find them.

Come in, Morgan. Come in, Morgan.
Come in, Morgan.

Okay, gals. Take it easy just a minute.

Oh, look. Look, you gotta let me
and my men go.

Who wants to be liberated, lieutenant?

Not you, that's for sure.

Look, you wanna keep soldiers
on this mountain?

All them and you too,
you big handsome critter.

Relax and enjoy it, lieutenant.

How can I relax when the general's
on his way up the mountain right now?

- He's what?
- Oh, no. It can't be.

If we don't find Pappy,
we'll get kicked off this mountain.

- We can't let that happen.
- No.

It ain't likely you'll find Pappy
before that general gets here...

...so maybe we just better
make sure he don't.

Well, that should give us ti--
Don't what?

- Get here.
- You can't do that...

- ...to a general in the Army.
- Why, we ain't gonna hurt him.

It doesn't matter
if they stall him for just a while.

Okay, but no rough stuff.

You just tell us when to quit.

What the--? What--?
Hey, hey, hey, what--?

There you are, you deserters, you.
I'll have you all court-martialed for this.

It wasn't their fault, captain.
It's them dang Kittyhawks.

Oh, those-- All right.
All right, fall in! Single file!

Come on, girls.

Magpie to Blue Quail, come in.
Magpie to Blue Quail, come in.

Blue Quail to Magpie, over.

Where the blazes are you?
And what's happened?

All under control. The Kittyhawks
will delay the general till we find Pappy.

Good. Get over fast so we can consolidate
the search, and let's not waste any time--

- What took you so long?
- I got here as soon as I could.

Oh, good.

Something you critters want?

Why, yes, miss.
We're trying to get to Porcupine Flats.

Oh, well, flash flood
washed out the road above.

Y'all will have to loop around
by Kittyhawk Valley.

And how far is that?

Oh, about two whoops and a holler.

- Looks as if we fly it seat-of-pants.
- Yes, sir.

Thank you, miss.

Pappy

Pappy

P-A-P-P-Y

Won't you please come home?

The chickens won't lay

All night the hounds bay

There's blues in the bees' honeycomb

Everything's different

Since you went away

Pappy, won't you please come home?

Your jug and spittoon

Just sit in your room

The still is as dry as a bone

Everything's different

Since you went away

Pappy, won't you please come home?

Oh, how we miss the corncob pipe

A-puffin' away in your face

Now that the shack is clear of smoke

We can't stand the sight of the place

Please come back to us

You ornery old cuss

We loves you wherever you roam

Oh, everything's different

Since you went away

Pappy, won't you please

Come home?

- Any luck, Jodie?
- Not a bit. How's Ma?

She's grieving pretty bad,
but she made you some coffee.

Coffee? I don't want coffee.

At this point, I could stand some
of that Mountain Maiden's Breath.

- She sent some of that too.
- Oh, good.

- Here you are, sir.
- Thank you. Well....

Josh.

Josh.

- That sounds like Pappy.
- Josh.

It sounds like it's coming
from Howling Devil's Gorge.

- Yeah, come on, let's go.
- Here.

- Here.
- Let's go, men.

Watch it.

Josh. Josh.

Pappy, what you doing up there?

I'm telling myself stories.
Nothing else to do up here.

How'd you get up there, Pappy?

A goldarn brown bear treed me, Josh.

And I scrambled up the tree,
and I got caught on this branch.

Oh, Josh, that branch
ain't gonna hold much longer.

Don't worry,
the Army will get him down.

Try not to move. I'm gonna
come and get you. Give me the rope.

Josh, you be careful.

- Bailey, throw a rope over that limb.
- Yes, sir.

Don't shake the tree, Josh.
Josh? Is that you, Josh?

- Yeah, that's me.
- Oh, that's you.

- Just take it easy, Pappy.
- All right, Josh, all right.

- I trust you.
- Put this rope around your waist.

- Hand it back.
- First time I ever trusted the Army.

Josh, don't tickle me now.

- I'll have you down in just a few seconds.
- All right. The tree's shaking.

Josh, Josh, Josh.

Don't move, Pappy.

- I'm not gonna look down again.
- Here's another rope.

- Here, I got it.
- Hand it back to me.

I hand it back to you, Josh.

- All right, anchor the rope.
- Yes, sir. Tie it around him.

Oh, Josh, don't tickle me.
I'm scared, but I'm ticklish.

- Just keep talking to me, son.
- All right.

Josh, be careful.

Don't worry, the lieutenant
knows what he's doing.

- Oh, Josh.
- Lieutenant, what are you doing?

Just hang on, Pappy.
I'm tying it up, boys.

Culdain, back up.

- Where is you, Josh?
- I'm right here.

Okay.

- Hang on, Pappy.
- Am I set just yet?

All right, don't go too far, Josh.

If I live, Josh....

- Josh.
- That's it.

- Pull up on the top rope.
- Yeah.

Josh. Josh.

- Hold it. That's it.
- Raise the top rope.

- You there, Josh? Josh?
- I'm here. Take it easy, Pappy.

- Okay.
- Okay. All right, now, start pulling.

- Let's pull him in.
- All right.

- Ease up a little.
- Josh.

- Josh, Josh. Josh, you got me?
- We got you.

- Oh, Josh.
- Yeah, we got you, Pappy.

- You got me?
- Yep.

Consarn your hide, Pappy.
You like to scare us to death.

- Yeah.
- We thought you was a goner for sure.

Hey, Pappy, this calls
for a celebration, don't it?

You're darn right, it do.

But, Mr. Tatum, General Donford
is on his way here now...

...and we haven't settled
about the lease.

I have no time to talk about
that there kind of foolishness.

We're gonna have
the goldangdest party you ever saw.

We're gonna have the biggest one
since Ma discovered the recipe...

...for the Mountain Maiden's Breath.

General.

It seems like we've been here before.

Yes, there is something vaguely familiar
about the topography.

- The what?
- Oh, never mind, never mind.

What happened, fellas?

Miss, we're still looking
for Porcupine Flats.

Oh, well, since you're such
persistent critters...

...I'll show you a real shortcut.

Right down there.

All right, lieutenant.

- Here we go again.
- Yes, sir.

Have I heard right, Pappy?

You getting rid of all your children
in one fell swoop?

- You heard right, Hairy Willie.
- We ain't getting rid of them.

We is gaining three more,
two fellas and a gal.

Oh, that's right, Ma.
Three and three is--

Oh, that's just the beginning.

Well, we got a heap of toasting to do
before the night's over.

Well, drink up, Willie. Drink up.

Stop feeding your face, Jodie,
and go out there and liven things up a bit.

- Yes, ma'am.
- That's it. Go on, boy.

I want a barefoot ballad
Yes, a barefoot ballad

Won't you play for me
A down-home country song?

'Cause when I kick my shoes off
Then I kick my blues off

With a barefoot ballad
You just can't go wrong

Give me a honky-tonky fiddle
With a guitar in the middle of the melody

Bubblin' like a fountain
Swinging out on Smoky Mountain

Barefoot ballad
Yes, a barefoot ballad

Won't you play for me
A down-home country song?

'Cause when I kick my shoes off
Then I kick my blues off

With a barefoot ballad
You just can't go wrong

Now, the big toe's connected
To the two toe

And the two toe's connected
To the three toe

And the three toe's connected
To the four toe

And the four toe's connected
To the five toe

- And the five toe
- That's a live toe

And away we go

I want a barefoot ballad
Yes, a barefoot ballad

Won't you play for me
A down-home country song?

'Cause when I kick my shoes off
Then I kick my blues off

With a barefoot ballad
You just can't go wrong

Now, the big toe's connected
To the two toe

And the two toe's connected
To the three toe

And the three toe's connected
To the four toe

And the four toe's connected
To the five toe

- And the five toe
- That's a live toe

- What's a live toe?
- That's a jive toe

- What's a jive toe?
- That's a drive toe

Away we go

I want a barefoot ballad
Yes, a barefoot ballad

Won't you play for me--?

- Play for who?
- Play for him

Play for her

A barefoot ballad song

Well, captain, we got a passel
of reasons to do some celebrating.

Well, Mr. Tatum, there's only one thing
that'll give me cause for celebrating.

- And that is if you'll consent to--
- Hold up there.

Don't talk about that there
kind of thing now.

We'll do some raising some ruckus.
We'll have rooting, tooting and boozing.

Yes.

Pappy will make up his mind
when he's good and ready.

Tonight.

You come on with me and have some
of my Mountain Maiden's Breath.

- That'll perk up your spirits.
- Well, I'd be delighted. I'd--

- Welcome to the Tatum family, Josh.
- Thank you, Pappy.

- But what else could I do?
- What?

I mean, well, she's about
the prettiest thing I ever seen...

...so why keep looking, huh?

Let me give you some advice, Josh.

You only got one life to live...

...and life can be rough...

...but if you live it every day
all the way...

...once is enough.

You can own just one suit

Worn and torn at the cuff

But if you're living
The life that you love

Once is enough

What's the good of reaching 90

If you waste 89?

You got one life, so live it

If you don't, it's a crime

Life's a playful puppy

You can grab by the scruff

And if you live every sec
What the heck?

Once is enough

Never wait until tomorrow

What if it never comes?

Life is a seven-layer

Don't you settle for crumbs

Life's a playful puppy

You can grab by the scruff

And if you live every sec
What the heck?

Once is enough

And if you live every sec
What the heck?

Once is enough

And if you live every sec
What the heck?

Once is enough

Hey, Cousin Josh.

You know, you sing
pretty good for a city fella.

Thank you, Jodie.

Well, I'm beginning to believe
these Tatums don't exist.

Glug, glug, glug.

Listen, sir.

Glug, glug, glug.

Follow that sound.

Glug, glug, glug.

Glug, glug, glug.

And you want me to give up this life
for a miserable missile base?

Here, captain, you're next.

Well....

I might as well go this way,
as to freeze to death in Greenland.

Glug, glug, glug....

We haven't got much time, honey.
The general's gonna be here any minute.

If Pappy's too limp to talk to him,
I don't know what's gonna happen.

Well, we'll just go ask Ma.
She'll know what to do.

Glug, glug.

Glug, glug, glug.

Glug, glug, glug.

Glug, glug, glug.

All right, men, pick him up
and carry him over there.

And nobody light a match near him.

Let's have a little music.
Let's have a little party.

Oh, my, my, ain't it a nice party?

- Ma, ain't Pappy ready yet?
- Pappy's always ready.

What for? Oh, for the talking?

Oh, now, look out there.
He's having such a nice time.

It was supposed to be
a wedding party, Ma.

It could be a going-away party
for all of us.

You're right, you're right.
Now's the time.

Pappy. Pappy.

Jodie.

- Jodie.
- Yeah, Ma?

Bring Pappy here.

All right.

Jodie, put me down.
Put me down, Jodie.

Put me down.
I was just beginning to warm up.

You put me down.
I was just beginning to get warmed up.

- Here he is, Ma.
- Pappy, it's time for the talk.

- I ain't ready yet.
- Just a minute, Pappy.

- Oh, yes, you are.
- No, I ain't.

Where's Captain Salbo?

Captain Salbo?

Hey, Captain Salbo,
he's laid out over there.

He's as cold
as a well-digger's shovel.

Azalea, you and Jodie better
find him and sober him up...

...before the general gets here.
He's in enough trouble as it is.

Here's the checkers and board.

All right, Josh,
but you better make it be good now.

I think we better go find Captain Salbo.

Good night, dear. I love you too.

He's over here by the hog pen.

- Oh, boy.
- Captain.

Captain, wake up.

Wake up, captain.

- Wake up.
- Yes, general.

Captain, come on.

Troop, fall in!

Attention!

- Captain Salbo.
- Oh, look at him.

I was wondering
when you was gonna get here.

We've been wandering
for six hours. Captain Salbo.

General, sir, I'd like to present
Miss Selena Tatum...

...and Miss Azalea Tatum,
and this is Jodie Tatum, sir.

- How do you do?
- It looks like you took the wrong turn.

Captain Salbo, where is Mr. Tatum?

Howdy, howdy, general. I'm Ma Tatum.

- Hey, you've done missed half the fun.
- Yes, but we're not here for fun.

- Captain Salbo--
- Gals, gals.

Why don't you take the general
for some liquor and vittles?

You must be hungry as a bear
with his throat cut.

- Salbo--!
- No, don't bother the captain now.

He's headed
for a big conflab with Pappy.

As you were, men.

You see, Pappy...

...if the Army builds its own road
on the other side of the mountain...

...the traffic to the missile base
won't bother you at all.

Crown my king.

Crown my king.

But the missiles and the gas buggies...

...they'll whomp the daylights
out of the hunting.

Captain, wake up. Captain.

- Jodie, you better give him another jolt.
- All right.

Ma always said you're supposed
to fight fire with fire...

...but looks like he's pretty well
burned out already.

Captain, wake up.
Please, sir. Captain, sir.

Yes, sir, general.
I'm ready to take my medicine.

Greenland can't be any rougher
than Big Smoky.

You better come on, captain.
The general's here right now.

Come on, captain. Get up. Attaboy.
Yes, sir. There you go.

I'm all right, men. I'm all right.

Have some more
Maiden's Breath, general?

- Thank you.
- And some more pickled possum tails.

Captain just loves them.

Why, thank you.

When do you think
this conference will end, Mrs. Tatum?

Oh, well, that's hard to tell, general.

I've known Pappy to stay up there
over a week when he's undecided.

A week.

I'm sorry, son.

- Pappy, just think--
- No, no, no.

I'm sorry. I can't see letting
my mountain get discombobulated...

...with a lot of government critters
and a lot of machinery...

...and a lot of noise.

- And a lot of....
- Just think of the improvements, Pappy.

Oh, Mr. Tatum.
Mr. Tatum, what about the lease?

- I can't do anything about it.
- Well, why not?

If it weren't for them, well, we wouldn't
have found the gals we was gonna marry.

You's gonna marry?
I can't do nothing about that.

- Pappy.
- Come on, captain.

Lieutenant, what happened?
What happened? I was counting on you.

I'm sorry. I just ran out of persuading.

But the general is here.
Do you know what this means?

- Greenland.
- I know, captain.

I used every argument that--

I didn't use every argument.
Just a minute, captain.

Here.

Wha--? Here.

- Pappy.
- Josh, don't you know enough...

...not to try to turn me around
once I made up my mind?

Oh, general, it don't look so good.

It don't? It doesn't?

Hey, Pappy, listen....

Why didn't you tell me that
in the first place? Oh, Josh.

Mr. Tatum.

- Guess what, captain.
- What?

- We made it.
- We made it?

Didn't we?

Ma, we--

Attention!

- As you were.
- Sir.

May I present Lieutenant Morgan.

- Sir.
- Yes.

I recognize him from his picture
in the gazette.

General, this is Pappy Tatum.

- Mr. Tatum.
- Tell him, Pappy.

General, I'll sign that there lease...

...if....

Josh, you tell them
what you done promised me.

It's just three small provisions, sir.

Number one, he receive
$1000 a month for the land.

Good price.
Whose side you on, lieutenant?

He's with the United States Army.

And number two, that the Army
engineers build a private road...

...on the other side of the mountain.

A new and direct route to Porcupine Flats?
I'll be glad to agree to that, lieutenant.

And then I promised him
a military patrol...

...to see that no government
personnel trespass...

...on this side of Big Smoky Mountain.

I'll agree to that. It's a deal, Mr. Tatum.

The military police patrol can also protect
the government personnel...

...from the mountain maidens.

Well done, captain.

Thank you, sir.

- Oh, lieutenant.
- Yes, sir.

Just what did you tell Mr. Tatum
that made him change his mind?

Just that all government personnel would
be kept off this side of the mountain.

Well, why did you tell him
a thing like that?

Sir, revenuers are government
personnel, aren't they?

Yes, I-- Oh, yeah.

Well, I've got a gal
She's as cute as she can be

She's a distant cousin
But she's not too distant with me

- We kiss
- We kiss

- All night
- All night

- I squeeze
- I'll squeeze

- Her tight
- Her tight

But we're kissin' cousins
That's what makes it all right

All right, all right, all right

Oh, I've got a gal
And she taught me how to live

She can give a lot
And she's got a lot to give

- We kiss
- We kiss

- All night
- All night

- I squeeze
- I'll squeeze

- Her tight
- Her tight

But we're kissin' cousins
That's what makes it all right

All right, all right, all right

Yeah, we're all cousins

That's what I believe

Because we're children
Of Adam and Eve

I got a gal
And she wants a lot of love

That's the kind of trouble
I need plenty of

- We'll kiss
- We kiss

- All night
- All night

- I'll squeeze
- I'll squeeze

- Her tight
- Her tight

We'll be kissin' cousins
And that'll make it all right

All right, all right, all right

We'll be kissin' cousins
That'll make it all right

All right, all right, all right

Yeah, we're all cousins
That's what I believe

'Cause we're all children
Of Adam and Eve

Now, I got a gal
And she wants a lot of love

That's the kind of trouble
I need plenty of

- We'll kiss
- We kiss

- All night
- All night

- I squeeze
- I'll squeeze

- Her tight
- Her tight

We'll be kissin' cousins
That'll make it all right

All right, all right, all right

We'll be kissin' cousins
That'll make it all right

All right, all right, all right

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