All language subtitles for the.hotwives.of.las.vegas.s01e05.EBRip.x264-ION10

IVANKA: Previously on
The Hotwives of Las Vegas...

Lola has gained
some weight

and lost modeling jobs
because of it.

Stop it!

I'm a big boy now!

(BLUBBERING)

PHE PHE: Every sign says
Adonis is robbing me blind.

New Phe Phe says,

"Kick that negro
to the curb."

I think this kid
is really gonna
complete my life

and my spin-off show.

I'm not too sure
about that, man.

I was a show girl,

I could've gone to
Broadway! (SCREAMING)
(TEARING)

If Jenfer is nine
months pregnant,

that means the
baby is mine!

(SQUEALING)

JENFER:
Stupid is as stupid...
Ooh, shiny!

FIRST LADY: I'm the
First Lady of Vegas

and the last lady you'd
expect to have butt sex.

IVANKA: As a former model,
I can tell you, you're ugly.

PHE PHE: Do not speak
to Phe Phe, unless Phe Phe
has spoken to you.

LEONA: I'm a mom to everyone,

I wish I could put
you all in my uterus.

DENISE: If you think
you can disrespect me

and get away with it,
you're absolutely right!

CALLIE: I know
what you're thinking.

That's it, I just know.

FIRST LADY:
I have been reeling
since I figured out

that Jenfer's baby
is actually mine.

I mean, how dare she
carry around my baby

in that low-class,
hillbilly womb,

pretending it's hers?

So I decided
to confront her,

in front of a medical
professional.

When First Lady said she
wanted to come with me

to my OB/GYN appointment,

I was surprised.

'Cause last time we hung out,
it didn't go so great.

(SCREAMING)
You piece of trash!

(BOTH YELLING)

Ow!

But I got an open door policy

where my vajayjay is
concerned, so come on in.

Embargo lifted.

Dr. Gyn, I...

It's Dr. Masner,
GYN is for gynecologist.

Oh, for real?

I don't have time
to hear the origin
of your name.

That's my baby in there,
now get it out.

I'm so sorry, I'm
trying to follow here.

So, did you donate
one of your eggs?

No, I don't believe in
charity. I'm a Republican.

Jenfer, you said you
and Ace didn't cheat

when he was with
me, right?

Duh, that's what I said.

And I trust that.

So, if she didn't have sex
with him nine months ago,

that's not her baby.

It's in her uterus, so how
could it be your baby?

Ugh! Simple logic, okay?

So, when Ace and
I were together,

Jenfer was always around.

People like me.

So, I actually got
pregnant with Ace's baby

and then my embryo
jumped out of me, huh?

Went into her. And
they said I was barren.
Can you believe that?

Doctor, I know
this is my baby,

he kicks and punches
just like his mama.

Especially when I poke at him.

I've asked you
not to do that.
All right.

Get out!

Give me my baby,
I wanna get it.

Oh wow, it's so sparkly!
It's very sparkly!

Get, get!

Oh, my God!
Get out of there!

Get her rank ass
out of here.

Okay, get your rank
ass out of here.

Fine! This is not
on the Strip,

so it's technically
not my jurisdiction,

but I'm gonna
fight you for this!

I find vaginas and
the women around them

very confusing.

I just want to make sure
you're using the right lens,

something, you know,
that softens her, not...

I don't want her
to look aged.

Life is wonderful again.

My little Lola

is now a model for
Posh Baby Couture,

which is only the
most sophisticated line

of baby mini-dresses
in the world.

Hmm, feels like I'm
coming back home when
I stand here, right?

She's lost a bit of weight,

thanks to First Lady's
Anorexi-Yeah!'s

baby non-food,

and I've got her in
SoulTricycle five days a week.

Oh, hey, is there a problem?

I know Lola can be a
little bit of a diva

when it comes to
getting her spray tan.

I don't know a good
way to tell you this,

but Lola is not fitting
into the cocktail dress.

What? No, no,
that can't be.

Let me try, I can get
her in because...

No, no, there's no trying.
No, there's no trying.

We tried.

Her thighs are
too chubby, okay?

Her fingers look like legs,

and her legs
look like redwoods.

She's 11 months old,

she should have lost
that baby weight by now.

Let me, let me just put
her in the steam shower,

give me two hours.

Ma'am, two hours she'll
be 100 pounds!

Lola is too fat
for Posh Baby.

(LOLA CRYING)

Please remove
her from my set.

Gayle, call the preemie ward.

See if you can
rustle something up.

Lola getting fat again?

Nothing natural
could've caused that.

Could it be... witchcraft?

LEONA: Being a mother to such
a wonderful boy like Junior

has been just the
greatest gift of my life.

When I was pregnant
with Junior,

he was six weeks late,

because I didn't
wanna let him out.

The doctor said it was the
greatest feat of strength

he'd ever seen.

JUNIOR: Don't forget
to pack all my e-cigs.

Of course.

I'm packing you
lots of sweaters

because it's cold
where you're going.

Ma, I'm just moving out
to the garage, okay?

To launch my business
and, maybe, get some
goddamn privacy?

You will never understand
a mother's love! Okay?

Any separation
is very hard.

It's time, like
the therapist said.

I have to go
live my own life.

It's a grand journey
I'll be on,

but I'm gonna learn a lot.

And I'll see you
at dinner, okay?

Dinosaur-shaped
chicken nuggets, please.

Of course, baby.

I'll miss you till then!

People grow up,
they get to be 30

and they think they don't
need their mommy anymore.

And now, my baby's moving out.

This house and my uterus

are gonna feel so empty

without my baby.

JUNIOR: (ON PHONE)
Naizur is the avatar
you created in Warcraft.

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now, don't finish,
and don't mind me.
(GIRL MOANING)

I'm getting pretty
aroused over here too.

LEONA: I can't believe it!

My baby is an entrepreneur.

(LAUGHS) I'm, I'm
so proud of him!

Keep working, I'll go get
you guys some snacks.

Ma!

Apple, Microsoft,

these are all things that
were invented in a garage.

I bet you none of their
moms walked in right at
the money shot.

I don't like a lot
of my patients,

but I like
their vaginas.

I'm always telling
people something they
don't wanna hear.

And that's hard!

What're you doing here?
Come on, I'm working!

I know my mom loves me
and all, it's great,

but sometimes that love
can be a real boner-killer.

This is where the
nursery's gonna be.
Mmm-hmm.

It used to be
my wig room,

but I felt like my wigs
deserved a bigger space.
Mmm-hmm.

JENFER:
Today is a big day for us

'cause we're setting
up the nursery.

First Lady wants us to believe

that my baby is hers,
but that's crazy...

Right?

'Cause I'm spending a shit
ton on this decorator,

and I'm not spending
it on her baby.

Basically, yeah?
You're looking to do

sort of a calm, peaceful,

possibly smoke-free
environment,

Well...
where a baby could,
maybe, grow and thrive.

Exactly. Also, it's gotta be
someplace we can put the dogs

when they're
being annoying.

Right.

We hired the most important
designer in Las Vegas,

Maxwell Octavius.

And he designed
Caesar's Palace.

That's where Caesar lived.

What's your favorite column?

Do you like Doric
or Corinthian?

Oh, you got me there.

Corinthian.

All of my designs
are always original.

I like to work the
personality of my client

into whatever
I design for them.

For example, I did
David Copperfield's

Colosseum-shaped library,

and then later I did Carrot
Top's Roman bath and spa,

which was inspired
by the Colosseum.

And then I did the, uh,
University of Las Vegas'

STD clinic.

Uh, so, these are ones
I've pinned for you.
Okay.

But you're not letting
me focus on one.

Take a look at that one.

Hon, you've been awfully
quiet, what do you think?

I think the guys
were right.

Ever since we've stepped
foot into this nursery,

all we have talked
about is the baby.

Where he'll sleep,
what he'll eat,

how we're gonna
protect him from SIDS.

Well, how about
where I'm gonna sleep,

how about my SIDS?

Is anyone even looking
at me anymore?

Well, I'm looking
at you right now.

And I looked at your
wife, I know that,

and the room a few times,
and I think I looked at you.

It's not enough!

I gotta clear my head.
Baby!

(ACE GRUMBLES)

ACE: Not one camera follows?

(WHISPERING)
Go, go!

ACE: You guys suck!

He'll cool off
and come back to me

'cause no guy can resist
this piece of ass.

(FARTING)
Ooh, uh-oh.

PHE PHE:
Life without Adonis
has been hard.

But I had to kick him out,

I can't let another man
take advantage of me.

You know, fool me once,

shame on you.

Fool me twice,
still shame on you.

Why you gotta keep fooling me?

To be honest, I really
don't know why she thinks

I'm stealing from her.

But, at least I found
a new place fast,

nice too.

8,000 square feet,

five car garage, you
know, the whole nine.

I, uh...

Should probably tell her
that she bought it for me.

With all that Adonis stress,

old Phe Phe came
out to play-play.

You want shade? Here
it comes, bitch!
DENISE: I want it!

(ALL SCREAMING)

I had to figure out a way
to get right with Denise.

And the other girls
were already having
their own troubles.

So I decided now
was the perfect time

for a girls' trip!

And not just any
trip, a trip to...

New York City!

You're welcome.

IVANKA: I'm glad
Phe Phe suggested a
girls' weekend away,

because now that I know
Callie's a powerful witch

who casts fat
spells on babies,

I don't want her
to do any more harm,

so I'm going to kill
her with kindness.

I mean, that's the
European way.

Well, not Hitler.

But I still think he
was very misunderstood.

I'm just glad to get
out of the house.

You know, it feels so lonely

now that my son has moved out

of the non-garage part.

(SCREAMING)

LEONA: I cannot wait!

FIRST LADY: I'm so excited!

LEONA: I am a New York girl.

(LAUGHING EXCITEDLY)

(SIGHS)

New York, here we come.

JENFER: I really wanted to go
to New York with the girls,

but I need time to
finish writing my book.

The Loneliest Fingertip.

I...

T...

It...

Damn!

Writing is hard.

(SCREAMING)

New York, here we come.

Welcome to New York, bitches.

(ALL SCREAMING)

CALLIE: It's so authentic.

IVANKA: Oh, isn't it?

Of course, we're going to the
New York City Hotel and Casino

and not the real
New York City.

New York City is so much
more beautiful in Vegas.

We get what's best
about New York City

without the piss smell.

PHE PHE:
This is a girls' trip,

so we are going
to do sight seeing

of all of New York
City's landmarks.

We're gonna see the
Statue of Liberty.

We're gonna see the
Empire State Building.

And tonight,

a show,

because I have
arranged for Denise

to perform her
one-woman showgirl

on Broadway!

(SCREAMING)

Broadway Karaoke Bar and Grill

in the lobby of the New York
City Hotel and Casino.

This is my dream
come true, you guys.

PHE PHE: You're welcome.
This is amazing,
I can't believe this.

I don't need my
bipolar meds anymore.

(ALL GASPING)
No, no!

I'm so happy,
I'm so happy!

As a part-time
talent booker,

I was happy to do
this for Denise.

Also, I asked her agent,

I knew I could sell the
footage to America's Most
Embarrassing People.

Everybody wins!

LEONA: Yes!

Listen, Callie...
Hmm?

My favorite part in
The Lion, The Witch,
and Wardrobe,

is the witch.

Thank you.

Actually, it's the
wardrobe, but...

I'm trying to
get along with her.

ALL: Aw.

CALLIE: I think Ivanka's
trying to be nice to me

but it's really
hard to tell

because, you know,
she's so European.

I really wanted to go to
New York with the girls,

but I'm not allowed to.

The doctor says when
you're in your third
trimester of pregnancy

you cannot travel.

And I guess three months in is
considered the last trimester.

But you know what?
I was relieved,

'cause I didn't wanna
hang out with First Lady.

Anyway,

whatever's best for the
health of my baby, I'll do.

(EXHALES)

How do you like that
menthol, baby?

I'm telling you guys, the only
place to get decent bagels

is New York City,
Las Vegas, right?

Uh, what are
y'all doing here?

I was invited by
my beautiful wife.

Aw.

That is so sweet.

You're such a wonderful
husband to Ivanka.

Killing her with kindness
has totally worked.

She's completely
backing off Vance.

(STAMMERING) I'm sorry.

Um, this was supposed
to be a girls-only trip.

I know, but I never
get to see my baby

since he moved out
of the house.

At least, I can take him on
vacation, ain't that right?

I miss you, Mommy.
(LEONA SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

Who's a goose?
I'm the goose.

Let me hear the goose.
(HONKING)

(LAUGHING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(IMITATING)
Here's Johnny!

(ALL YELPING)
PHE PHE: God!

Jack Nicholson.

(CHUCKLING)

Denise, you brought Kelly?

He's not even
your man, anymore.

Exactly. You said not to
bring spouses and boyfriends,

but Kelly's neither,

he's just a man
I'm in love with,

that I'm not allowed to date.

What do you mean
you're in love
with my husband?

Who are you?
I'm Kelly's wife.

(GASPS) You have a wife?

And you brought her?

Well, yeah, you said it
was "girls' weekend."

Ace!
Yeah?

What are you
doing here?

Jenfer couldn't even come!

Hey, we had a fight, okay?

And I freaked out.

So, you know...

Oh, God. (SOBS)

(SNIFFLES)

Oh, God, how's the crying
look, does it look good?

Since we have some
time before the show,

I thought we could play a
fun little bonding game.

We're all insecure and drunk,

what could go wrong?

DENISE: I was pretty thrown

by Kelly's marriage
revelation,

especially because it seemed
like they had been married
for quite a few years.

But I wasn't going to
let that get me down,

because I had something
more important to focus on.

My Broadway debut.

I bet a lot of
famous people have

trod these boards.

Uh, yeah, I guess.

Uh...

Rita Rudner, one time came in

totally wasted.
Sang Money, Money.

Karaoke starts in five
if you wanna sign up.

Ooh. Love the
Broadway terminology.

"Sign up."

Getting to perform
my one-woman show

on Broadway is just...

Ahhh!

It's just a dream come true.

I'm just so thrilled that

my friends and my boyfriend

and his wife can all be
there to share it with me.

PHE PHE: You guys,

Denise's show starts
in five minutes.

So we need to leave here,

in the next half hour.

Okay.
Oh, absolutely.

Now, since we have time
I thought we could play

a fun little bonding game.

Oh, that's a great idea.
Oh, that sounds nice,
I can do that.

It's called (BLEEP),
Marry, Kill,

and we'll play it with
the people in this room.

I don't think that
sounds as fun.
No, no.

I don't know if that's...
CALLIE: We're playing it!

Okay.
Oh.

I just think that
(BLEEP), Marry, Kill is
a great bonding game.

I hear they play it
at the White House.

Okay.

I guess,

I would

make love to Ace.
What?

Um, I would kill Jenfer,

and I would steal
my baby back.

I think it's "marry,"
not steal.

It shouldn't be.

It's a good idea
for a show, though.

You know, I mean, like,

"How's this knucklehead
gonna get his baby back?"

You know what I mean?

PHE PHE: It's my turn.

I would eff

Kelly.
What?

ACE: What?

(IMITATING) Do I make you
horny, baby? Austin Powers.

No, not at all.

See, it's one of
those situations where

you are so disgusted
by another human being,

that you wanna (BLEEP)
them until they die.

Oh, right.
(ALL AGREEING)

PHE PHE: So, so, so
in that respect

I will also want to
kill him, too.

There you go.
CALLIE: Good, good choice.

I could tell someone was
gonna get their feelings hurt

by playing this game,

which is why I wanted
to let it play out.

I know that I suggested
the game, but

I think it's disgusting,

and I think all of you

are disgusting for playing it.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

As a Wiccan,

I would never steal
someone's husband.

Oh.

Wow.

That's very nice to hear.

I think I misjudged you.

But I guess if I had
to (BLEEP) someone,
I would (BLEEP) Vance.

But that's my husband.

Oh, see, I've just never
thought of him like that,
because

he was my brother first.

(GASPS)
She's got you there.

It's true.

No, she doesn't.

Well, I wasn't going to
kill or marry Vance,

he's my brother.

I've had enough, okay,

of your cuddling,
and your kissing

and tickling his genitals.

I tell you right now,

you will never

have my husband.

Ivanka, calm down.
Stop telling me to calm down.

What is happening
to my voice?

Why is it so loud?

Oh, see, that's
called shouting

and it's what
insecure hags do.

I will kill you
with kindness!

No!
(SCREAMING)

I'm gonna kill her.
She's a bitch,

that's why she won't stop!

The game actually ended
up being a lot of fun,

even though it was at
everyone else's expense.

I'm just sad
Denise wasn't there

to get hurt by it.

DENISE: I was really
nervous to go out there,

especially because
I'm off my meds.

HOST: Next up, it's
Denise Funt with "Untitled."

DENISE:
It's a wonderful piece

that combines the art
of showgirl dancing

and spoken word.

Two art forms that just
so naturally fit together.

I'm just a girl

in the world.

Going through a divorce,

of course.

I felt amazing up there.

I could feel the
energy of the crowd.

I was unstoppable.

So every night

I take the pills,

but they don't fill

the hole inside my...

...heart! Pow!

Yeah!
HOST: All right.

That was Denise.

No, I'm not finished.

This routine goes on, like,

two, three more hours.
I think they all
really wanna see it.

HOST: Oh, no, everybody
gets three minutes.

Boo! Boo!

All right, buddy,
you're up.

Let's get rid
of this chair.

(DISTORTED SCREAM)

It's like that old poem goes.

They came for the socialists,

and I did nothing.

They came for the Jews,

and I did nothing.

Then they came for my chair.

Uh-uh.

Uh-uh.

(DISTORTED SCREAM)

(DISTORTED) Not my chair.

HOST: All right, and
next we have Ronald Kim

singing Rum Tum Tugger.

Guys, we are

an hour and a half late
for Denise's show.

It's time to go.

So, everybody, grab your...

Coats!

(FIRST LADY MOANING)
Ooh...

Are y'all having sex in here?

ALL: Ooh!

Oh, oh, my God!

Uh, no, no, uh, no, no, no.

What we're doing is,
we're having a talk
naked under the covers.

I mean, it looks like
you're having sex.

Look, okay.
Listen, first of all...

ACE: If anything...

JENFER: That's sex.

Ace, how dare you?

What, was I not
supposed to call Jenfer
and let her weigh in

on whether they
were having sex?

I'm sorry, but I
think it's wrong

to leave someone out.

Oh, God.
Jenfer.

(BREATHING RAPIDLY)

My baby.
Oh.

Oh, no, the baby's coming.

This baby's gonna be born

watching his daddy have sex.

Shalo... oh, hell, no!

We're having a baby.

Matty G here,
coming at you live

from the Hotwives
Cooldown treehouse,

where tonight we're
gonna figure out

if Ace and First Lady
were actually having sex,

with our two guests,
Nancy Pelosi and Grumpy Cat.

Plus, we'll be
playing a brand new

fun game called
"Minority Whip-It!s."
(LAUGHS)

We're gonna get
Pelosi so high!

Stay tuned.