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(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
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(SNICKERING)
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NARRATOR: Behold, Ancient Rome.
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Gaze at a timeless beauty.
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Gawk at the unmatchable glory of the Roman Forum.
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And grab yourself a sweet eye
guzzle of the Roman Coliseum
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where today's Wacky Race
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-is about to begin!
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
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Greetings, citizens
of the Empire.
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I am
Brickius Stonius Accidentum,
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coming to you live
from Ancient Rome,
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for the Emperor's annual
chariot race and Bacchanalia.
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The race today will be run by the greatest competitors in the known world,
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which, as we all know, is flat, 800 miles wide,
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and is carried on the battle shield of a giant named Steve
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that lives on a mountain
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and likes to dress up like a goat on weekends.
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Let's meet
today's racers, shall we?
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There's Peter Perfectus.
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Who has two thumbs
and the face that launched 1,000 ships?
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BRICKIUS: Penelope Pickius.
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Howdy, y'all.
I'm from southern Italy, near Atlanta.
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-BRICKIUS: Dastardium Stinkurius...
-(AUDIENCE BOOING)
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...and his companion, Muttificus of Gaul!
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Those other Roman racers
have no chance of winning
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because I have
cleverly commanded my canine compatriot
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to place beehives
in their chariots.
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-(CRUNCHING)
-Oh, wait. I stepped on something.
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-(BUZZING)
-Muttificus!
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You put all the beehives
in our chariot!
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(SNICKERING)
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BRICKIUS: Inventor, philosopher, astronomer, soothsayer,
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Intelligenius Quentellious!
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I just chiseled
all the world's knowledge
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into these stone tablets.
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I call it
the Encyclopedia Romanica.
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So much for ancient knowledge.
Oh, well,
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the Renaissance
is only 1,200 years away.
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BRICKIUS: And finally, two barbarians
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from the uncivilized provinces of Noricum Laturnus,
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Teenius Maximus and Vespertilio Minius!
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-(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
-Teenius toga too tight.
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I think they got
our togas mixed up.
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The race will be run
through the streets of Rome,
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around the palace
of the emperor,
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then back to finish
in the Coliseum.
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(HORNS PLAYING)
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BRICKIUS: And speaking of the emperor,
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here he comes now.
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The emperor with the temper,
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the prince with the wince,
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the grand guino grubby himself,
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-Emperor Dinkus Minimus! -(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
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Thank you, uh-huh, thank you.
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It's me.
I know, you're not worthy.
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(CLAPPING)
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Who told you to stop clapping?
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(WINCES)
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(CLAPPING)
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EMPEROR DINKUS:
On your marks, get set...
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Oh, do just get on with it.
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-(CROWD CHEERING)
-BRICKIUS: And they're off.
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PENELOPE: Yee-haw!
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Come on, nice horsie.
Go to the left.
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(EXCLAIMS) Your other left!
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Having a little trouble
with your horse, sugar?
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-PETER: No. Excuse me!
-(SCREAMING)
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Look at all these
aimlessly wandering peasants, they're just roamin'.
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Oh, I get it. "Romans"! Ha!
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BRICKIUS: But in a prelude
to today's contest,
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each of the charioteers
performed in a series
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of exciting
gladiatorial events.
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So, before the race
gets too far along
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let's take a look
back at those.
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-(TV STATIC)
-BRICKIUS: The exciting first event
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was thrilling gladiatorial combat.
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We who are about to fight,
salute you, noble Emperor.
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Yeah, yeah.
Get on with it, already.
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(BOTH GRUNTING)
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You know,
these don't hurt that much.
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Well, the Roman Games are
a family-friendly Bacchanalia.
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Now, taste my mighty cushion,
doomed one!
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(GLADIATOR GRUNTING)
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Feel the harmless fury
of my goose-down softness.
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(GRUNTS)
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PETER: Oh! Oh, very nice. Oh!
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(SNICKERING)
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(EXCLAIMS)
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Emperor, what is
your judgment?
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(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
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(EXCLAIMS) Mercy! Mercy!
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Oh! Not a wet willius.
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Not a wet willius!
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(CHEERING)
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BRICKIUS: Then, Penelope Pickius challenged
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crazed Celtic druid warrior Celt MacBriton
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to a clog-dancing competition.
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No one out-clogs
Celt MacBriton.
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(MUSIC PLAYING)
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Top that, you wee lassie.
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Oh, darling! I don't know
if I can, but I'll sure try.
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Boys, play some Roman music.
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Roman countryside
music, that is.
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(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING)
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(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
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(SOBBING)
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BRICKIUS: Then, it was on to the stage where Intelligenius Quentellious
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and the celebrated Roman philosopher Cicero
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engaged in a heated battle of pure intellectual prowess.
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Today, I will prove
that the Sun is entirely made of cheese pizza.
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00:05:03,571 --> 00:05:06,571
And I shall prove that the sun
is a plate of scrambled eggs.
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(CHUCKLES) "Scrambled eggs."
Lamus maximus.
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It is true.
The great astro-chicken
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lays his sky eggs for Zeus' breakfast.
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(SCOFFS) Preposterous.
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Everyone knows the Gods eat
anchovy pizzas in the morning.
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The only time pizza
is eaten for breakfast is when it's cold,
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and since the Sun is hot,
it must be made of scrambled eggs. Thank you.
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-(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING)
-Let's say you're right and the pizza is cold.
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I think the Gods could
heat it up in one of these.
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-(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)
-Uh, what is that?
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A machine I invented
that reheats food.
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I call it a "microwave".
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(AUDIENCE BOOS)
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Uh, that's not a bug.
It's a feature.
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BRICKIUS: Dastardium and Muttificus were given a special event
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worthy of their skills.
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You two shall compete
in my favorite competion.
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Oh, which one is that,
your autocratic awesomeness?
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Lunch. Release the lions!
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-(LIONS GROWLING)
-(DASTARDIUM SCREAMS)
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Dratius, Dratius, Dratius!
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BRICKIUS: Teenius and Vespertilio competed
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in classic Roman Olympic events.
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(CHICKEN CLUCKS)
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(CHICKEN SQUAWKS)
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Frisbee go far.
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(GRUNTING)
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(EXCLAIMS)
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Uh-oh.
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Ha! Good thing
I can turn into a bat or I would have been...
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-(GROWLING)
-(SCREAMING)
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...crushed. (GROANS)
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I'm really sorry about this.
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-Not a noogius maximus!
-(SCREAMING)
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(TIGER ROARING)
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-(SCREAMING)
-(ROARING)
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(ELEPHANT TRUMPETING)
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The Moon
is a giant gray hairball
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coughed up
by Zeus' congested cat, Fifi.
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-(SCREAMING)
-(ROARING)
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(GROANING)
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(TV STATIC)
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Oh, Prince Brickius,
you're so handsome and strong.
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I can't resist you...
(COUGHING)
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Oh, hey, race fans.
(CLEARS THROAT)
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You're all caught up now
on yesterday's events,
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so let's get back to the race
already in progress.
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I'm going to win today.
It's written in the stars.
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Don't believe
everything you read, darling.
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I'm serious.
The Moon is in the seventh house,
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and Jupiter
is aligned with Mars. Look.
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Look where?
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Hey! You tricked me.
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(LAUGHING)
The stars tricked you.
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(LAUGHING)
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BRICKIUS: Bringing up the rear are Dastardium and Muttificus
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followed by Teenius and Vespertilio.
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Muttificus, activate
the olive oil slick.
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(MUTTIFICUS GROANS)
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-(VESPERTILIO EXCLAIMS)
-(TEENIUS GROANS)
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Rasbius frasbius.
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VESPERTILIO: Woah!
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(BOTH GRUNTING)
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(TEENIUS GROANS)
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Let's try this again.
Go right!
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-(HORSE NEIGHS)
-No!
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Hmm?
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-Oh, no! (SCREAMS)
-(CROWD SCREAMING)
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(HORSE NEIGHS)
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(SCREAMING)
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PETER: Excusius maximus!
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-Oh.
-Okay, that's three gourds,
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00:07:44,398 --> 00:07:46,428
a box of chocolate-covered
yak tongues,
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00:07:46,500 --> 00:07:49,770
and a commemorative
Mark Anthony bobblehead totem.
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That'll be 18 denarius.
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I'll have to owe you.
Let's go, horsie.
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-(SCREAMS)
-(NEIGHS)
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(GRUNTS) We take credit cards!
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00:08:01,115 --> 00:08:04,375
(TEENIUS GROANS)
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00:08:04,451 --> 00:08:06,051
(GROANS)
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00:08:06,121 --> 00:08:11,121
-PENELOPE: Giddyap!
-INTELLIGENIUS.: Accelerate equine velocity!
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Muttificus, fire the catapult.
194
00:08:14,828 --> 00:08:18,998
(SNICKERING)
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00:08:19,066 --> 00:08:21,736
(GROANS)
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00:08:21,802 --> 00:08:23,072
Oh!
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00:08:23,137 --> 00:08:24,737
-(HORSE NEIGHS)
-Woah!
198
00:08:24,805 --> 00:08:26,565
(TEENIUS GROANS)
199
00:08:26,641 --> 00:08:28,681
(EXCLAIMS)
These astronomical charts
200
00:08:28,743 --> 00:08:32,513
didn't say anything
about a meteor shower.
201
00:08:32,580 --> 00:08:37,080
PETER: Woah, horsie! (SCREAMS)
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00:08:38,285 --> 00:08:40,515
Left. No, right.
No, left again.
203
00:08:40,588 --> 00:08:42,818
Nuts! We're right back
where we started.
204
00:08:42,889 --> 00:08:45,959
Amazed and confused.
205
00:08:46,026 --> 00:08:47,626
It's a dead end.
206
00:08:47,694 --> 00:08:49,164
How wonderful.
207
00:08:49,229 --> 00:08:51,669
Teenius make hole.
208
00:08:51,731 --> 00:08:53,501
(TEENIUS GRUNTS)
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00:08:53,567 --> 00:08:55,797
I refuse to lose this race.
210
00:08:55,869 --> 00:08:58,739
Fire!
211
00:08:58,806 --> 00:09:02,236
-And I do mean "fire".
-(SNICKERING)
212
00:09:02,309 --> 00:09:04,509
The stars didn't say
anything about this.
213
00:09:04,578 --> 00:09:06,978
I'm beginning to think
the stars aren't that bright.
214
00:09:07,047 --> 00:09:08,517
I see an opening.
215
00:09:08,582 --> 00:09:10,622
PETER: Follow me! Here we go.
Come on, that's it.
216
00:09:10,685 --> 00:09:12,315
INTELLIGENIUS: It's getting
hot out here.
217
00:09:12,386 --> 00:09:16,756
-(TEENIUS GROANS)
-PENELOPE: We made it!
218
00:09:16,824 --> 00:09:19,534
Hot, hot, hot!
Ouch-us, ouch-us, ouch-us.
219
00:09:19,593 --> 00:09:21,703
Yes! My horse
finally listened to me.
220
00:09:21,761 --> 00:09:22,861
(HORSE EXCLAIMS)
221
00:09:22,929 --> 00:09:25,799
No! You're going
the wrong way.
222
00:09:25,867 --> 00:09:29,037
(SCREAMS) This never happens
to Charlton Heston.
223
00:09:29,102 --> 00:09:30,942
BRICKIUS: And here they come!
224
00:09:31,004 --> 00:09:32,774
It's coming down to the wire!
225
00:09:32,840 --> 00:09:34,810
Dastardium and Penelope are in the lead,
226
00:09:34,876 --> 00:09:38,006
and it looks like the winner is Peter Perfectus...
227
00:09:38,078 --> 00:09:39,548
...empty chariot?
228
00:09:39,613 --> 00:09:42,383
Oh, sure.
Now you go the right way.
229
00:09:42,449 --> 00:09:44,889
By the power invested in me
230
00:09:44,951 --> 00:09:47,291
by... Well, me,
231
00:09:47,354 --> 00:09:49,864
I hereby crown Buttercupus...
232
00:09:49,924 --> 00:09:54,924
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
-...champion racer of Rome.
233
00:09:56,129 --> 00:09:57,729
(NEIGHING)
234
00:09:57,797 --> 00:09:59,167
Whinny, whinny, whinny.
235
00:09:59,233 --> 00:10:00,633
(NEIGHING)
236
00:10:00,700 --> 00:10:01,840
Wait a minute.
237
00:10:01,903 --> 00:10:04,573
This doesn't seem
like a proper horse to me.
238
00:10:04,639 --> 00:10:07,669
(NEIGHING) Yes, I am.
I'm a horse.
239
00:10:07,741 --> 00:10:10,911
I won the race.
240
00:10:10,978 --> 00:10:12,908
Horses don't talk, right?
241
00:10:12,980 --> 00:10:14,380
No, your genius-osity.
242
00:10:14,448 --> 00:10:16,348
You are not a horse.
243
00:10:16,417 --> 00:10:17,747
-Dastardium!
-(AUDIENCE BOOS)
244
00:10:17,819 --> 00:10:21,049
Oh, please!
I just want to win once.
245
00:10:21,121 --> 00:10:22,791
Uh, don't release the lions.
246
00:10:22,856 --> 00:10:24,426
Release the lions!
247
00:10:24,492 --> 00:10:25,832
-(LIONS ROARING)
-(SCREAMING)
248
00:10:25,893 --> 00:10:28,503
-(MUTTIFICUS YELPING)
-(WHALE GROANING)
249
00:10:28,562 --> 00:10:30,202
Well, that was fun.
250
00:10:30,265 --> 00:10:34,395
Now, back to ruling
the greatest city in the world.
251
00:10:34,468 --> 00:10:37,068
-(GASPING)
-Hey, who broke my city?
252
00:10:37,137 --> 00:10:38,337
Time to get roamin'?
253
00:10:38,405 --> 00:10:40,805
I hope all roads
lead away from Rome!
254
00:10:40,875 --> 00:10:43,235
Muttificus, this is
all your fault!
255
00:10:43,310 --> 00:10:46,080
You ain't going nowhere.
Get back here!
256
00:10:46,146 --> 00:10:49,516
Get back here!
257
00:10:49,582 --> 00:10:52,752
Ah!
258
00:10:52,819 --> 00:10:53,749
(BLEATING)
259
00:10:53,799 --> 00:10:58,349
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