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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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- Synced and corrected by actumaxime -
- www.MY-SUBS.com -
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Alright, everybody, it's court o'clock,
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and you made it during Abby Hour.
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All decisions half-price.
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- Judge, are you limping?
- A bit.
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I got a little hit by a cab.
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And somehow, the driver
got angrier than I did.
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00:00:21,772 --> 00:00:23,899
So still getting the hang
of New York, huh?
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00:00:23,899 --> 00:00:25,984
You know what they say...
You're not a real New Yorker
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00:00:25,984 --> 00:00:28,570
until you pay the guy
who just ran you over $45
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to drive you to the hospital.
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No, you're not a real New Yorker
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until you buy a rattrap,
a hammer, and an egg sandwich
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from a bodega at 1:00 a.m.
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First up, the People vs. Caroline Kratz.
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The defendant is charged
with disorderly conduct
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for bringing an uncontained
animal onto the subway.
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Your Honor, there's a very simple
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and extremely legal
explanation for this.
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It was a service animal.
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It was a horse.
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A mini-horse. Nay, a
seeing-eye mini-horse.
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And according to New York vs. Pongo,
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mini-horses are allowed
on public transit.
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Obviously, I got to get a look
at this guy.
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Upstate, I used to guess
horse sizes at the county fair.
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And that one is a "big."
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Your Honor, um, I call for a mistrial.
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I've just learned that
the defendant and Ms. Moore
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have an existing relationship.
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They share a daily commute...
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the 5:42 downtown six train
at Hunter College Station.
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Slow down. I think we just blew
right past the big news here.
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That the allegedly blind
defendant just recognized me?
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Oh, no, no, no.
She didn't recognize you.
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The horse did.
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That's my daily commute, too.
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Olivia, we're subway buddies.
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Really? Well, that's crazy.
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Can't believe we haven't
seen each other.
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I've seen both of you...
a bunch of times.
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Well, you're not helping.
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You know what? We just plead guilty.
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How do you put up with her?
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I just need a table for one.
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Can't you squeeze me in this weekend?
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Oh, wait, wait. Did I say
that my name is Dan Fielding?
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Uh, I meant, uh, it's
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Dame Judi Dench.
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Can't get a table at a restaurant?
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Ah, it's not just any restaurant.
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It's Chromosomme.
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Oh! I heard about that place.
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They use science to design
your perfect meal
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based on a cheek swab, a hair sample,
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00:02:41,912 --> 00:02:44,498
and a secret you swore
to take to the grave.
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The only chance I have to get
in there is during the week,
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00:02:47,584 --> 00:02:49,002
but we're always leaving here late.
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I'm all in favor of Abby's
empathetic justice,
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but not when it gets
between me and a risotto
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that was genetically
engineered for my tongue.
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00:02:57,511 --> 00:02:58,762
Well, at least you're not gonna have her
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following you around on the subway,
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trying to make chitchat
with her big hick energy.
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00:03:03,642 --> 00:03:05,352
Yeah, the judge
isn't good on the subway.
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00:03:05,352 --> 00:03:07,020
I rode with her once.
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00:03:07,020 --> 00:03:10,857
She held the pole and then
touched her face so many times.
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There's my twin sixter.
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'Cause we both take the six train.
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- She gets it.
- Yeah, we got it.
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00:03:18,824 --> 00:03:20,534
And I watched you stand outside
in the hall
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till you thought of it.
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I'm so excited to spend
some more time together.
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You could show me the ropes.
I'm still a "Newb Yorker."
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Okay, that one I can't take credit for.
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Someone screamed it in my face
when I said "bless you"
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after they sneezed on me.
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I think I'm gonna have to
take the earlier train.
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Yeah, sure. Or you know what?
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You could move to Denver.
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I bet you there are probably
lawyers there, too.
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Oh, sorry. People are animals.
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Olivia! Hi.
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Oh, good. You took the early train, too.
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I was worried we'd miss each other
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00:04:04,244 --> 00:04:06,955
and our work and private lives
would stay separate.
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00:04:06,955 --> 00:04:08,749
Well, apparently, my lease says my super
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00:04:08,749 --> 00:04:10,751
gets to shower in my apartment
on Tuesday nights,
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00:04:10,751 --> 00:04:13,003
so I like to give him his space.
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00:04:14,296 --> 00:04:17,758
Classic.
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00:04:17,758 --> 00:04:20,844
- So, are you, um...
- We probably shouldn't talk.
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00:04:20,844 --> 00:04:22,763
There's a serial killer in the city
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who targets women who are friends.
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No, they caught that guy.
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00:04:25,932 --> 00:04:29,019
I know 'cause he's my brother.
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00:04:29,019 --> 00:04:30,896
Oh. I like your earrings.
97
00:04:30,896 --> 00:04:33,690
Keep it in your pants, perv.
98
00:04:33,690 --> 00:04:36,860
What are you doing?
Don't talk to people.
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00:04:36,860 --> 00:04:38,612
Also, don't make eye contact.
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Or offer anyone candy.
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- Even on Halloween?
- You stay inside on Halloween!
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I love this.
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00:04:44,910 --> 00:04:47,704
I'm getting an Olivia
master class on New York City.
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Promo code... fuhgettaboutit.
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Oh!
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00:04:53,877 --> 00:04:56,171
We're having a minor technical issue.
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00:04:56,171 --> 00:04:59,049
Hang tight, everyone.
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00:04:59,049 --> 00:05:02,386
Well, that's bonus subway buddy time.
109
00:05:04,262 --> 00:05:07,724
So there's really no chance
your brother's on this train?
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00:05:13,897 --> 00:05:15,440
Okay, I talked to the driver,
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00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:17,901
and there's no update
on the maintenance issue.
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00:05:17,901 --> 00:05:20,237
Also no update on the air-conditioning.
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Here's a list of other things
there's no update on.
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Here's an update... You're not helpful,
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and everyone can see your nipples.
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Things are getting tense.
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Oh, you're not gonna freak out, are you?
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You should know, I do not hold hands.
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00:05:35,377 --> 00:05:37,170
I'm okay. Everything's gonna be fine.
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Sure, we've been cut off
from the societal norms
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that maintain order,
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00:05:40,799 --> 00:05:42,843
but we're bonded together
by something even stronger...
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00:05:42,843 --> 00:05:44,052
innate human decency.
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Stay back, you jackals.
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It's my job to deliver this food,
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and the restaurant's run by the mob.
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There's nothing you can do to me
that they won't do worse.
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00:05:52,352 --> 00:05:55,397
Okay, when the rats come
for us... and they will...
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I will sell out every last one of you.
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00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:02,029
I'm sure the decency
will set in any minute now.
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00:06:02,029 --> 00:06:04,072
Nope. We're screwed.
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00:06:04,072 --> 00:06:05,574
Nothing's holding this together.
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00:06:05,574 --> 00:06:08,577
The norms are gone.
It's subterranean law.
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00:06:08,577 --> 00:06:11,079
Give me your bag.
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00:06:11,079 --> 00:06:14,124
What? I can't make a shiv
out of any of this!
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00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:18,420
Where's Olivia?
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00:06:18,420 --> 00:06:21,340
I don't have the time or energy
to learn new names.
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00:06:21,340 --> 00:06:24,760
You understand what I mean,
right, champ?
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00:06:24,760 --> 00:06:26,303
The six train broke down.
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00:06:26,303 --> 00:06:28,805
So Abby and Olivia might not make it.
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00:06:28,805 --> 00:06:31,808
- We had to find some people to fill in.
- All rise.
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Manhattan Criminal Court Part 2
is now in session.
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The Honorable Murray Flobert presiding.
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Mmm-mmm-mmm!
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00:06:41,151 --> 00:06:44,613
That is some good chicken noodle. Mmm!
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00:06:44,613 --> 00:06:46,406
Is it just me or does this guy
have a real, like,
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00:06:46,406 --> 00:06:47,532
substitute-teacher vibe?
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00:06:47,532 --> 00:06:51,620
Uh, just an FYI, I have judge's elbow.
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00:06:51,620 --> 00:06:56,625
So I'm gonna be making
the gavel sound with my mouth.
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00:06:56,625 --> 00:06:59,628
You know, if we work together,
we might be able to get, uh,
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00:06:59,628 --> 00:07:02,798
old Judge Chicken Noodle there
to do whatever we want.
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00:07:02,798 --> 00:07:05,842
I may make it out in time
to go to Chromosomme after all.
153
00:07:05,842 --> 00:07:07,469
And I can go to the strip club at night,
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00:07:07,469 --> 00:07:09,471
when it's like a strip club in a movie.
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00:07:09,471 --> 00:07:11,515
Not during the day,
when it's like a strip club
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00:07:11,515 --> 00:07:13,934
in a documentary.
157
00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:16,144
Uh, excuse me. What's the Wi-Fi here?
158
00:07:16,144 --> 00:07:18,105
I need it to look up case files.
159
00:07:18,105 --> 00:07:22,150
Also, does anyone have
a Netflix password I can borrow?
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00:07:22,150 --> 00:07:25,278
Also for case stuff.
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00:07:25,278 --> 00:07:27,823
Or we may not have to
do anything at all.
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00:07:27,823 --> 00:07:31,827
I better call Russ and tell him
to get the champagne room ready.
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00:07:31,827 --> 00:07:33,995
You see Russ, tell him I said hi.
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00:07:35,580 --> 00:07:38,250
You do know I'm going
to a male strip club, right?
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00:07:38,250 --> 00:07:40,377
Yeah, I had a job before this.
166
00:07:44,256 --> 00:07:46,091
Maybe you need something else
to focus on.
167
00:07:46,091 --> 00:07:48,343
I have this great game
called "Crab Attack."
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00:07:48,343 --> 00:07:50,429
Oh, right, my phone's
been locked with ransomware
169
00:07:50,429 --> 00:07:53,140
ever since I downloaded "Crab Attack."
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00:07:53,140 --> 00:07:54,558
Don't act like you're the calm one.
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00:07:54,558 --> 00:07:57,185
I'm the calm one. I'm in control.
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Unless control is an illusion.
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00:07:59,229 --> 00:08:01,523
I mean, I can't control
the subway breaking down
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00:08:01,523 --> 00:08:03,191
or that the universe
is constantly expanding
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00:08:03,191 --> 00:08:05,402
and I still can't afford
a one-bedroom in it!
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00:08:05,402 --> 00:08:07,112
Hey! What do you think you're doing?
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00:08:07,112 --> 00:08:08,780
- That was my seat.
- Your seat?
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00:08:08,780 --> 00:08:11,700
I didn't realize I was on the
train with Princess Von Bench.
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00:08:11,700 --> 00:08:15,037
Whoa! Let's just not forget
our innate human decency.
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00:08:15,037 --> 00:08:16,329
Abby, stay out of this.
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00:08:16,329 --> 00:08:17,789
Well, someone's got to do something.
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- This place is coming apart.
- This is not court.
183
00:08:19,875 --> 00:08:22,377
They don't have to listen to you.
184
00:08:22,377 --> 00:08:25,547
You're right. It's not court.
185
00:08:25,547 --> 00:08:28,050
But it could be. We should have a trial.
186
00:08:28,050 --> 00:08:29,926
I mean, this is just a simple dispute.
187
00:08:29,926 --> 00:08:31,553
We can figure this out together.
188
00:08:31,553 --> 00:08:33,722
It'll give us something else
to think about.
189
00:08:33,722 --> 00:08:35,474
You know, I'm actually a judge.
190
00:08:35,474 --> 00:08:38,393
Does anyone else
have any legal experience?
191
00:08:38,393 --> 00:08:40,395
I played a dead body on "Law & Order."
192
00:08:40,395 --> 00:08:43,857
We've all played a dead body
on "Law & Order."
193
00:08:43,857 --> 00:08:46,443
You know, "Law & Order"
is the longest-running show
194
00:08:46,443 --> 00:08:48,945
with an ampersand in the title.
195
00:08:48,945 --> 00:08:50,864
Okay, okay. You like saying things.
196
00:08:50,864 --> 00:08:52,199
You can be the clerk.
197
00:08:52,199 --> 00:08:53,658
And I'm getting some real bailiff vibes
198
00:08:53,658 --> 00:08:56,328
from the way you're guarding that pizza.
199
00:08:56,328 --> 00:08:58,872
Olivia, would you like
to be the counsel?
200
00:08:58,872 --> 00:09:01,249
You could think of it as work.
201
00:09:01,249 --> 00:09:04,169
Work is good. I can control work.
202
00:09:04,169 --> 00:09:05,420
Yeah, and you could go up against
203
00:09:05,420 --> 00:09:07,631
the greatest opponent of all.
204
00:09:07,631 --> 00:09:10,634
- The sun?
- No. Yourself.
205
00:09:10,634 --> 00:09:12,344
You could play both sides.
206
00:09:14,054 --> 00:09:15,430
I'm in.
207
00:09:15,430 --> 00:09:17,224
And so am I.
208
00:09:17,224 --> 00:09:19,226
You know I'm not gonna do a voice.
209
00:09:21,436 --> 00:09:23,855
Oh, yes! I got a reservation!
210
00:09:23,855 --> 00:09:25,399
I've only got one case left.
211
00:09:25,399 --> 00:09:26,858
I can get there early
and laugh at people
212
00:09:26,858 --> 00:09:29,319
who tested positive for salads.
213
00:09:30,654 --> 00:09:32,614
You'll never guess
who's in the courthouse.
214
00:09:32,614 --> 00:09:35,784
Olympic figure skaters
turned commentators
215
00:09:35,784 --> 00:09:37,703
turned maybe murderers.
216
00:09:37,703 --> 00:09:38,787
I don't know why they here.
217
00:09:38,787 --> 00:09:41,164
Johnny Weir and Tara Lipinski.
218
00:09:41,164 --> 00:09:42,666
They're witnesses in the last case.
219
00:09:42,666 --> 00:09:46,294
Apparently, a figure skater
hot-wired a Zamboni
220
00:09:46,294 --> 00:09:49,381
and tried to smush his competition.
221
00:09:49,381 --> 00:09:50,966
Abby would have loved meeting those two.
222
00:09:50,966 --> 00:09:52,718
She's a huge figure-skating fan.
223
00:09:52,718 --> 00:09:55,637
Oh! Maybe we can stall
until she gets here.
224
00:09:55,637 --> 00:09:57,931
Stall? Are you crazy?
I've got a dinner reservation.
225
00:09:57,931 --> 00:09:59,975
So your fancy dinner is more
important than your friend?
226
00:09:59,975 --> 00:10:01,393
This is not just a dinner.
227
00:10:01,393 --> 00:10:02,728
This is a meal that Scientific American
228
00:10:02,728 --> 00:10:06,231
called a "heinous waste of stem cells."
229
00:10:08,025 --> 00:10:09,317
Fine. I don't need you.
230
00:10:09,317 --> 00:10:11,111
I can slow this court down on my own.
231
00:10:11,111 --> 00:10:12,487
Careful, Gurgs,
you're messing with powers
232
00:10:12,487 --> 00:10:14,072
that you couldn't possibly understand.
233
00:10:14,072 --> 00:10:17,367
I have no idea what that means,
but I'll figure it out.
234
00:10:17,367 --> 00:10:18,994
So we doing this case or not?
235
00:10:18,994 --> 00:10:20,579
- Not if I can help it.
- Absolutely.
236
00:10:20,579 --> 00:10:22,664
Don't make me choose a side.
You're both my friends.
237
00:10:22,664 --> 00:10:25,083
- Not if I can help it.
- Absolutely.
238
00:10:29,838 --> 00:10:31,173
Are we ready to begin?
239
00:10:31,173 --> 00:10:32,591
Uh, yes, Your Honor, we are,
240
00:10:32,591 --> 00:10:35,677
and there's nothing
anybody can do to stop us.
241
00:10:35,677 --> 00:10:38,722
Uh-oh. This says my wife called.
242
00:10:38,722 --> 00:10:40,724
And it's an emergency.
243
00:10:40,724 --> 00:10:43,143
Well, it always is with that one.
244
00:10:45,270 --> 00:10:47,230
Anyway, let's start.
245
00:10:47,230 --> 00:10:49,399
Bang, bang!
246
00:10:49,399 --> 00:10:51,193
So that's your great
stalling move, Gurgs?
247
00:10:51,193 --> 00:10:53,570
You know, I expected more from you.
248
00:10:53,570 --> 00:10:55,447
What can I say, Dan?
I'm all out of moves.
249
00:10:55,447 --> 00:10:58,158
Okay, Clerk, call the last case.
250
00:10:59,284 --> 00:11:01,244
- Where's the clerk?
- Well, look at that.
251
00:11:01,244 --> 00:11:03,372
I had more moves.
252
00:11:03,372 --> 00:11:04,664
We don't need Neil.
253
00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:06,917
He's just a sentient clipboard anyway.
254
00:11:06,917 --> 00:11:08,210
I can call the case.
255
00:11:08,210 --> 00:11:09,753
I wish that were true, Your Honor,
256
00:11:09,753 --> 00:11:11,963
but it's like the regular judge says,
257
00:11:11,963 --> 00:11:15,258
"You can't work without a clerk."
258
00:11:15,258 --> 00:11:17,260
Well, that does rhyme.
259
00:11:18,762 --> 00:11:20,055
You might as well get comfortable, Dan.
260
00:11:20,055 --> 00:11:21,640
You're gonna be here a while,
261
00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:24,976
because I can assure you there's
no way you're finding Neil.
262
00:11:24,976 --> 00:11:27,604
Hello, Neil.
263
00:11:27,604 --> 00:11:29,481
Hiding a clerk in women's holding...
264
00:11:29,481 --> 00:11:32,192
the oldest trick in the book.
265
00:11:32,192 --> 00:11:33,402
Don't call me Neil.
266
00:11:33,402 --> 00:11:35,445
Linda says my name is Sweets now.
267
00:11:35,445 --> 00:11:38,782
This man bothering you, Sweets?
268
00:11:38,782 --> 00:11:42,160
Would you please open
this door, let him out?
269
00:11:44,329 --> 00:11:47,124
Come on, Sweets.
270
00:11:47,124 --> 00:11:49,584
I can't. My legs are asleep.
271
00:11:49,584 --> 00:11:52,045
Man, this meal better be worth it.
272
00:11:52,045 --> 00:11:55,132
Get up, get up, get up. What... Hey!
273
00:11:55,132 --> 00:11:57,509
I'm sorry. Gurgs said if
I didn't help her,
274
00:11:57,509 --> 00:11:59,011
she'd tell everyone where I do stand-up.
275
00:11:59,011 --> 00:12:03,015
Well, that's more of a threat
to us than to you.
276
00:12:03,015 --> 00:12:04,683
Well, well, well.
277
00:12:04,683 --> 00:12:08,812
Looks like the Penn
has become the Teller.
278
00:12:08,812 --> 00:12:09,938
You have gone too far.
279
00:12:09,938 --> 00:12:12,983
You can't lock me in here
with Neil and...
280
00:12:12,983 --> 00:12:15,402
these charming ladies.
281
00:12:15,402 --> 00:12:18,780
Looks like it's Linda's lucky day.
282
00:12:18,780 --> 00:12:22,909
Sweets and Sour.
283
00:12:22,909 --> 00:12:25,746
Uh, uh...
284
00:12:25,746 --> 00:12:28,582
Six Train Downtown Local
is now in session.
285
00:12:28,582 --> 00:12:31,168
The honorable judge This Lady presiding.
286
00:12:31,168 --> 00:12:34,629
Alright, let's "baguette" it on.
287
00:12:34,629 --> 00:12:37,924
Your Honor, the defendant
brazenly stole this woman's seat
288
00:12:37,924 --> 00:12:39,176
when she stood to stretch.
289
00:12:39,176 --> 00:12:40,927
And we all know the rule...
290
00:12:40,927 --> 00:12:44,598
If the butt's still near,
I'm a-sittin' here.
291
00:12:44,598 --> 00:12:47,851
Don't be fooled by the
prosecution's big-city rhymes.
292
00:12:47,851 --> 00:12:51,646
Yeah, I'll give it to her, she
is gorgeous and well-dressed.
293
00:12:51,646 --> 00:12:53,774
But the facts are on my side.
294
00:12:53,774 --> 00:12:55,442
I recall at the time of the event,
295
00:12:55,442 --> 00:12:57,402
I had a clear view
of the butt and the seat,
296
00:12:57,402 --> 00:12:58,945
and there was separation.
297
00:12:58,945 --> 00:13:01,031
But surely some amount
of separation is acceptable.
298
00:13:01,031 --> 00:13:04,326
Maybe some separation,
but it's six inches, tops.
299
00:13:04,326 --> 00:13:06,370
Ma'am, I'm gonna need to
commandeer your sandwich
300
00:13:06,370 --> 00:13:10,165
in the name of justice.
301
00:13:10,165 --> 00:13:12,292
It's more than six inches.
302
00:13:12,292 --> 00:13:15,879
Objection! The sandwich
has a bite out of it.
303
00:13:15,879 --> 00:13:17,714
I'll allow it.
304
00:13:17,714 --> 00:13:20,175
Look, I'm not unreasonable.
305
00:13:20,175 --> 00:13:22,511
I'd give up my seat to
an old lady or someone pregnant.
306
00:13:22,511 --> 00:13:23,887
Interesting you'd say that.
307
00:13:23,887 --> 00:13:27,891
What if I told you Rita is pregnant?
308
00:13:27,891 --> 00:13:30,936
That's right. I do have sex.
309
00:13:30,936 --> 00:13:32,312
Let me ask you,
310
00:13:32,312 --> 00:13:33,855
- what's the due date?
- They're always wrong.
311
00:13:33,855 --> 00:13:35,273
- Gender?
- It's a post-gender society.
312
00:13:35,273 --> 00:13:36,400
What'd you have for lunch today?
313
00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:37,401
- Sushi and bologna.
- Gross!
314
00:13:37,401 --> 00:13:38,902
But also, gotcha.
315
00:13:38,902 --> 00:13:40,862
Pregnant women can't eat
either of those things.
316
00:13:40,862 --> 00:13:45,242
Fine. I don't actually have sex.
317
00:13:45,242 --> 00:13:47,202
Happy now?
318
00:13:47,202 --> 00:13:49,705
The jury has returned the verdict.
319
00:13:49,705 --> 00:13:52,416
And they have decided
that the pregnant one
320
00:13:52,416 --> 00:13:55,544
and nipples should kiss.
321
00:13:55,544 --> 00:13:57,170
You know what? I'll just rule.
322
00:13:57,170 --> 00:14:01,174
On the charge of subway seat
theft, I find the defendant...
323
00:14:04,636 --> 00:14:07,806
No. Stop the train! Stop the...
324
00:14:07,806 --> 00:14:09,933
We haven't heard which one of me won!
325
00:14:12,102 --> 00:14:13,520
You're in luck, Judge.
326
00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:16,481
This court has the largest
active VHS collection
327
00:14:16,481 --> 00:14:18,567
in the continental United States.
328
00:14:18,567 --> 00:14:21,695
And once Alaska falls,
we'll stand alone.
329
00:14:21,695 --> 00:14:24,573
Oh, there are some good flicks in here.
330
00:14:24,573 --> 00:14:26,074
Now, where's the remote?
331
00:14:26,074 --> 00:14:28,702
'Cause I like to fast-forward
through the scary parts.
332
00:14:28,702 --> 00:14:31,913
- Looking for this?
- How did you get out?
333
00:14:31,913 --> 00:14:35,667
I jimmied the lock with
the underwire from Linda's bra.
334
00:14:35,667 --> 00:14:37,961
Well, I anticipated your escape,
335
00:14:37,961 --> 00:14:40,213
and that's why I scheduled
a tornado drill
336
00:14:40,213 --> 00:14:41,965
to start in 3, 2...
337
00:14:41,965 --> 00:14:43,759
One thing you've overlooked, Gurgs,
338
00:14:43,759 --> 00:14:46,845
is I have powerful friends
in the Tornado Marshal's office,
339
00:14:46,845 --> 00:14:50,057
and I rescheduled that drill
till your birthday,
340
00:14:50,057 --> 00:14:52,476
just as they wheel out the cake.
341
00:14:52,476 --> 00:14:54,102
Something you overlooked is, last year,
342
00:14:54,102 --> 00:14:56,313
I wished for no tornado drills
on my birthday.
343
00:14:56,313 --> 00:15:01,109
- But now you said the wish out loud.
- You monster.
344
00:15:01,109 --> 00:15:03,695
I'll give it to you, Gurgs.
You know how this place works.
345
00:15:03,695 --> 00:15:06,323
But nobody knows it better than me.
346
00:15:06,323 --> 00:15:09,743
Then you know there's
a water main behind that wall,
347
00:15:09,743 --> 00:15:13,455
and if it were to somehow break,
348
00:15:13,455 --> 00:15:16,666
the cleanup would be
quite time-consuming.
349
00:15:16,666 --> 00:15:18,001
Where's the remote?
350
00:15:18,001 --> 00:15:20,003
This is one of those scary parts.
351
00:15:20,003 --> 00:15:21,755
Gurgs, I'm not gonna try and stop you,
352
00:15:21,755 --> 00:15:25,008
because unlike the wife
of the man who built this place,
353
00:15:25,008 --> 00:15:29,763
you love this building too much
to put an ax in its chest.
354
00:15:31,890 --> 00:15:34,518
You win, Dan. Enjoy your dinner.
355
00:15:34,518 --> 00:15:36,770
I hope your scallops are saltier
than Abby's tears
356
00:15:36,770 --> 00:15:37,896
when she hears she missed a chance
357
00:15:37,896 --> 00:15:39,731
at meeting ice-skating royalty.
358
00:15:39,731 --> 00:15:41,733
There won't be any scallops.
359
00:15:41,733 --> 00:15:44,027
I already know that my personalized menu
360
00:15:44,027 --> 00:15:48,073
will rely heavily
on an endangered species.
361
00:15:49,408 --> 00:15:53,954
It's always been a dream of mine
to eat the last of something.
362
00:16:02,295 --> 00:16:04,089
Hi. Dan Fielding.
363
00:16:04,089 --> 00:16:06,508
I just want to say that
I have a great deal of respect
364
00:16:06,508 --> 00:16:08,135
for Olympics athletes.
365
00:16:08,135 --> 00:16:12,431
Your ability to work only once
every four years... incredible.
366
00:16:12,431 --> 00:16:15,434
Now, this is a man with presence.
367
00:16:15,434 --> 00:16:18,061
It's like a daring mix of stateliness
368
00:16:18,061 --> 00:16:19,438
and "I couldn't care less" energy
369
00:16:19,438 --> 00:16:22,649
that is just so exciting to watch.
370
00:16:22,649 --> 00:16:25,402
Well, he's known as the bad boy
of the courtroom
371
00:16:25,402 --> 00:16:26,778
- for a reason, T.
- Mm-hmm.
372
00:16:26,778 --> 00:16:30,282
The passion, the fire, the pageantry.
373
00:16:30,282 --> 00:16:33,618
- You know, we live for pageantry.
- For pageantry.
374
00:16:33,618 --> 00:16:35,287
Wow. Wonderful.
375
00:16:35,287 --> 00:16:38,123
So may I ask what you two were
talking to our bailiff about?
376
00:16:38,123 --> 00:16:39,875
She asked us to stick around
for her friend,
377
00:16:39,875 --> 00:16:41,752
but, I mean, if we stayed
every time a bailiff
378
00:16:41,752 --> 00:16:43,337
asked us to meet someone,
379
00:16:43,337 --> 00:16:45,797
we'd never have time to form
this remarkable friendship.
380
00:16:45,797 --> 00:16:48,133
Also, full disclosure,
we have an early breakfast
381
00:16:48,133 --> 00:16:49,760
with Michelle Kwan and Ewan McGregor.
382
00:16:49,760 --> 00:16:52,429
Have I said too much?
383
00:16:52,429 --> 00:16:53,680
Ah, don't... No, don't worry.
384
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:54,931
We'll get you out of here so fast
385
00:16:54,931 --> 00:16:56,350
that you'll be accused of cheating.
386
00:16:56,350 --> 00:16:59,436
You know what I mean? Okay.
387
00:16:59,436 --> 00:17:04,149
Hey, Gurgs, listen, I am sorry
that Abby is gonna not be here.
388
00:17:04,149 --> 00:17:06,318
But, you know, meeting your
heroes isn't always great.
389
00:17:06,318 --> 00:17:09,988
When I was 10,
I met my favorite astronaut,
390
00:17:09,988 --> 00:17:12,449
and she screamed and bit my hand.
391
00:17:12,449 --> 00:17:17,996
But in the commander's defense,
she was a squirrel monkey.
392
00:17:17,996 --> 00:17:20,582
I get that meeting a celebrity
might not be a big deal
393
00:17:20,582 --> 00:17:25,337
for someone who's met some of
our nation's greatest monkeys.
394
00:17:25,337 --> 00:17:27,005
But it's hard being new in town.
395
00:17:27,005 --> 00:17:29,341
Your whole life, you hear about
how magical New York is,
396
00:17:29,341 --> 00:17:34,680
and when you get here, it's just
scaffolding and weird puddles.
397
00:17:34,680 --> 00:17:36,348
And when something magical
finally does happen,
398
00:17:36,348 --> 00:17:39,518
like Macho Man Randy Savage
coming to your courtroom,
399
00:17:39,518 --> 00:17:41,978
well, you miss it 'cause it's
the one day you took off work
400
00:17:41,978 --> 00:17:43,814
and no one even bothers to page you.
401
00:17:43,814 --> 00:17:45,941
Your hero is Macho Man Randy Savage?
402
00:17:45,941 --> 00:17:48,819
Oh, yeah!
403
00:17:48,819 --> 00:17:50,862
I... I just wanted to look out for Abby
404
00:17:50,862 --> 00:17:52,864
the way I wish someone
had looked out for me.
405
00:17:52,864 --> 00:17:56,201
Last case... People vs. Shawn Pierce.
406
00:17:56,201 --> 00:17:59,871
I see here the defendant
is pleading no contest
407
00:17:59,871 --> 00:18:01,623
to misdemeanor assault.
408
00:18:01,623 --> 00:18:03,250
Based on the witness statements
409
00:18:03,250 --> 00:18:07,295
provided by national treasures
Tara Lipinski and Johnny Weir...
410
00:18:07,295 --> 00:18:12,092
Hey! I will let the defendant
off with a $100 fine.
411
00:18:12,092 --> 00:18:13,760
- Case dis...
- Your Honor, the defense
412
00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:15,846
would like to call a time-out.
413
00:18:15,846 --> 00:18:19,391
But I was about to make my gavel noise.
414
00:18:19,391 --> 00:18:23,395
Whoa. Dan Fielding making
a bold and daring move.
415
00:18:23,395 --> 00:18:25,063
No one was expecting this.
416
00:18:25,063 --> 00:18:29,234
Let's listen in.
Will he stick this landing?
417
00:18:29,234 --> 00:18:32,738
We're gonna be amending
our plea to not guilty
418
00:18:32,738 --> 00:18:35,073
and calling a bunch of witnesses,
419
00:18:35,073 --> 00:18:39,661
so if anybody has a pre-paid and
pre-tipped dinner reservation,
420
00:18:39,661 --> 00:18:43,582
well, they can kiss that goodbye.
421
00:18:43,582 --> 00:18:46,585
So for our first witness,
we'd like to call
422
00:18:46,585 --> 00:18:49,087
man sucking milk out of the bag.
423
00:18:53,467 --> 00:18:55,844
For your first time
getting stuck on a subway,
424
00:18:55,844 --> 00:18:57,763
you handled it pretty well.
425
00:18:57,763 --> 00:18:59,181
Honestly, it wasn't that different
426
00:18:59,181 --> 00:19:01,058
from when I was trapped in a corn maze.
427
00:19:01,058 --> 00:19:03,810
That scarecrow and I
had some good times.
428
00:19:05,145 --> 00:19:06,563
Though I think, on some level,
429
00:19:06,563 --> 00:19:08,190
we both knew what we had was fleeting,
430
00:19:08,190 --> 00:19:11,360
and that's what made it so special.
431
00:19:11,360 --> 00:19:14,780
Well, you definitely kept it
from getting ugly in there.
432
00:19:14,780 --> 00:19:15,989
So you think this gets me closer
433
00:19:15,989 --> 00:19:17,449
to being a real New Yorker?
434
00:19:17,449 --> 00:19:19,242
Eh, who knows what
a real New Yorker even is?
435
00:19:19,242 --> 00:19:21,119
All I know is,
this is a city of weirdos,
436
00:19:21,119 --> 00:19:23,121
and your relentless positivity
437
00:19:23,121 --> 00:19:25,290
makes you one of the weirdest
people I ever met.
438
00:19:25,290 --> 00:19:27,125
Olivia, thank you.
439
00:19:28,710 --> 00:19:30,170
You're gonna be just fine.
440
00:19:30,170 --> 00:19:34,299
- Fine enough to be your subway buddy?
- No.
441
00:19:34,299 --> 00:19:36,385
You don't know the defendant at all,
442
00:19:36,385 --> 00:19:40,055
but your parents named you
Stefanie with an "F."
443
00:19:40,055 --> 00:19:42,307
Why don't you take us all down
that road for a second.
444
00:19:42,307 --> 00:19:44,184
I've heard enough. Defense rests.
445
00:19:44,184 --> 00:19:46,144
Hold on. I have a question.
446
00:19:46,144 --> 00:19:48,772
Johnny, Tara, do you think
it's too late for me
447
00:19:48,772 --> 00:19:50,357
to learn how to skate?
448
00:19:51,942 --> 00:19:53,694
Abby, look who's here.
449
00:19:53,694 --> 00:19:56,488
- Abby Stone?
- Tara, Johnny, hi!
450
00:19:56,488 --> 00:19:57,864
Flawless entrance.
451
00:19:57,864 --> 00:20:01,785
Nobody walks into a room
better than Abby Stone.
452
00:20:01,785 --> 00:20:03,495
Wait a minute. You know each other?
453
00:20:03,495 --> 00:20:05,956
Of course. I see them
every year at Freezing Man.
454
00:20:05,956 --> 00:20:07,874
It's like Burning Man
but for winter sports,
455
00:20:07,874 --> 00:20:11,420
and instead of drugs,
we're high on ice pageantry.
456
00:20:11,420 --> 00:20:12,671
So hold on a second.
457
00:20:12,671 --> 00:20:14,131
You made me miss the meal of a lifetime
458
00:20:14,131 --> 00:20:17,092
so that Abby could meet people
she's already met?
459
00:20:17,092 --> 00:20:19,720
For a conversation I overheard
her having with someone else,
460
00:20:19,720 --> 00:20:21,096
I got pretty close.
461
00:20:21,096 --> 00:20:23,640
Oh, we've got to go.
462
00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:26,143
Some idiot gave up their
reservation at Chromosomme.
463
00:20:26,143 --> 00:20:28,437
Ooh! Would you like to join us
for dinner, Your Honor?
464
00:20:28,437 --> 00:20:30,022
Oh, hell yeah!
465
00:20:30,022 --> 00:20:32,232
Bang, bang! Court is adjourned.
466
00:20:32,232 --> 00:20:34,693
Here. You can have my chicken noodle.
467
00:20:34,693 --> 00:20:37,112
Let's go, let's go. Excuse me.
468
00:20:38,572 --> 00:20:40,449
I'm sorry you missed
your special dinner.
469
00:20:40,449 --> 00:20:45,454
But as a friend, I think I know
you better than science, so...
470
00:20:45,454 --> 00:20:47,456
Gurgs, hog's head cheese,
471
00:20:47,456 --> 00:20:50,334
stewed chicken feet, fried gizzards.
472
00:20:50,334 --> 00:20:55,047
Oh! It's a feast fit for a king.
473
00:20:55,047 --> 00:20:57,049
These are all the weird swamp delicacies
474
00:20:57,049 --> 00:20:58,550
you grew up on in Louisiana.
475
00:20:58,550 --> 00:21:00,260
You know what?
I'd call your description rude,
476
00:21:00,260 --> 00:21:01,803
but my favorite restaurant growing up
477
00:21:01,803 --> 00:21:04,514
was called Swamp Delicacies.
478
00:21:04,514 --> 00:21:06,475
Oh. It was very fancy.
479
00:21:06,475 --> 00:21:10,562
You could pick your own
live gator from a tank.
480
00:21:10,562 --> 00:21:12,981
Hey, guys, I just wanted
to say thank you so much
481
00:21:12,981 --> 00:21:14,191
for stalling court for me.
482
00:21:14,191 --> 00:21:16,568
It was... Yo, are those gizzards?
483
00:21:16,568 --> 00:21:17,611
- Yes!
- Let me in there!
484
00:21:17,611 --> 00:21:18,779
Come on, sit down.
485
00:21:18,779 --> 00:21:21,740
Feet for everybody. Ha-ha!
486
00:21:21,740 --> 00:21:23,700
- Come on.
- Mnh-mnh.
487
00:21:23,700 --> 00:21:25,410
I ain't... Ugh!
488
00:21:26,703 --> 00:21:28,330
- City folk.
- City folk.
489
00:21:30,581 --> 00:21:35,581
- Synced and corrected by actumaxime -
- www.MY-SUBS.com -
37770
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