All language subtitles for The.Simpsons.S34E13.WEBRip.x264-ION10

(sighs)

Huh?

Stupid old couch.

Aah! What the...

(screaming)

(grunts)

(groans softly)

Hmm.

I always wondered
what was down here.

You weren't worth
the trouble up there,

and you aren't worth
the trouble down here.

- MAN: Homer.
- Huh?

It's me, kiddo.

The Mick.

My Mickey Mantle rookie card.

The greatest treasure
of my youth.

I'm still in mint condition.

- Huh?
- Do you know how rare...

- Aah!
- HOMER: Mm.

My Rubik's Cube!

The greatest treasure
of my youth.

Let's see here.

(grunting)

No-good pile of garbage!

MALE VOICE:
Not the first time
I've heard that.

Ha!

(gasps)
I know that voice.

ALF. Oh, ALF,
you were canceled too soon.

No, Homer, I was canceled
at exactly the right time.

MARGE:
Homer.

Homer, where are you?

Darn.
I guess I should go.

Go? Ha!

You're part of the couch now.

ALL:
Part of the couch.

- Aah!
- The key to solving me
is patience.

Never!

- (panting)
- (snarling)

(yells)

(grunts)

(whimpering)

(snarling, hissing)

(whimpering, grunts)

MARGE:
What is this thread?

This couch is falling apart.

Hmm.

(grunts)

(yelling)

(grunts)

(snarling, groaning)

(panting)

- (grunts loudly)
- Whoa.

Home again, safe and sound.

(meows)

Hey, knock it off.

Aah!

♪

("Requiem in D Minor"
by Mozart playing)

(indistinct chatter)

(gasps) It's a fire!

(gasps) Oh, my God, oh, my God!

At the Flanders'.

Flanders? Go back to sleep.

Ned, what's wrong?

(chuckles) I don't know.

Guess God just loves to test me.

Oh, look, here comes a truck.

Lord, thank you for this tree
that I'm about to hit.

("It's Bad You Know"
by R. L. Burnside playing)

I found a pregnancy test.

Yay!

(sizzles)

How you doin'?

♪

(hisses)

Ned Flanders,
is everything okay?

Well, let's just say
I may be okily,

but I'm definitely not dokily.

(alarm chirps)

Aw. Dang it.

(gasps) You've got
to tell someone what's wrong.

Maybe we can discuss it
right now over cocoa.

Sure. Just let me get the mail.

Aah!

(sniffles) Do you ever
question your life, Marge?

You ever say, "What's the point
of going to church

this Tuesday?"

- What?
- Sorry, sorry.

I've been going through
a lot of stress.

Losing my hair
where it counts most.

(gasps) A postiche.

That's right.
It converts to eyebrows.

It all started back when
I was briefly Bart's teacher.

You were Bart's teacher?

Oh, yes, I was.

You can look it up.

C, A, D, F, 12.

Those were his grades
and the days he was absent.

C, A, D, F, 12.

Geez,
I really don't recall that.

Well, that job
meant something to me.

It-it-it truly did.

Anyway, one day...

This was right before
the Supreme Court

ignored the Constitution

and blessedly let God
back in the schools.

Class, with all the troubles
in the world today, uh,

I'd like you to pause
and take a moment

of silent contemplation.

Teacher, who should I pray to?

FLANDERS:
Don't say Jesus.
Don't say Jesus.

Jesus.
Pray to Jesus.

Okay, pal, hold it right there.

This is a public school.

No trying to save sinners!

Uh, y-yes, sir.

Are you praying
for my soul right now?

- I am.
- That is the one and only thing

I can punish you for.

Get out!

Get out and stay out!

God loves you.

Nobody loves Willie!

FLANDERS: (sniffles)
I'd lost two wives, two jobs.

I desperately needed to hit
the pews and talk to the Lord,

but, uh, no such luck.

♪

Then I saw a Catholic church.

Normally not a kneeler,

but, uh,
beggars can't be choosers.

Can I help you, my friend?

What brings you here
in such agita?

Oh, nothing
you haven't heard before.

Out of work.
Single father with two boys

full of mischief and mayhem.

Did you just blink?

No.

Maybe I could help you.

I'm always looking
for new opportunities.

I could be--
what do they call it--

your angel investor.

(laughing)

My associates,

Mr. Rude and Dr. Jerkov.

- Whoa.
- Whoa! Look at me, I'm a doctor.

(growls)

Now, what is it that you do?

I sell left-handed merchandise.

You don't say.
I was left-handed myself

until the nuns
beat it out of me.

Perhaps you and I
could go into business together.

I back your store
and you show your appreciation

at a later date.

This date may never come,

but, actually, it will.

And surprisingly soon.

Won't you accept help

from a sinister source?

Well, I...
(gasps)

"Sinister"
meaning "left-handed."

Well, sir,
you seem like a godly man,

and I'm a wee bit desperate.

Let me do my due diligence
and get back to you.

You do your due.

You went into business
with the Mob?

I googled him.

It said "legitimate business."

I never dreamed
the Internet would lie.

Stupid, stupid, stupid Flanders.

(groans)

At first, it was
too good to be true.

Buy the scissors.

But I'm right-handed.

- How'd you like to be no-handed?
- Mm.

FLANDERS:
In my new Leftorium,
all was right.

And I did something
I hadn't done in, uh,

I don't know how long.

God help me, I smiled.

Flanders is in trouble
with the Mob.

Finally, he does something cool.

Ned, no offense, but how could
you get mixed up with Fat Tony?

I mean, that sounds
like something I would do.

(laughs)

(chuckling)

You're right.

(laughing)

Homer is stupid, all right.

"PhD" is how he spells "food".

(laughs)

(giggling)

(laughing)

(chuckling)

(barking laugh)

All right, I'm stupid.
That's enough.

Eh, it's funny.
(chuckles)

It's true--
I do trust everyone I meet.

But I did ask
some probing questions.

Buona fortuna.
Things are good?

Uh, little too good.

So, I must ask, uh,

are you a good fella?

A goodfella?

Indeed I am.

And I heard you're a wise guy.

Some call me such.

I have to run an errand.

Come with me.

♪

You're a little light.

(gasps)
Take-a my hat.

Take-a my second hat.

Uh, take-a my bald wig.

(panting)

Ooh, if I knew that
mobsters like Italian food,

I would have-a stuck
to the sushi.

I used to cut-uh the fish
and make-uh the rice

and serve-uh the fish
and chop-uh the thing.

They took me in
as one of their own.

♪ The record shows ♪

♪ We took the blows ♪

♪ And, Lord, we did it Thy ♪

♪ Way. ♪

(song ends)

- This guy.
- This guy.

No, this guy.

Am I right?

I used to be this guy.

FLANDERS:
We had some of the most intimate
and vague conversations

I've ever been a part of.

So, did that thing go down
with our friend?

If you replace "that thing"
with "ice pick,"

"our friend"
with "Benny the Barber"

and "down"
with "into his eyeball,"

you may have your answer.

Did I miss anything?

We've been talking
about a lot of murders.

Eh, I mean, nothing.

- (knocking)
- Something wrong, T?

Business difficulties.

(grunting)

Time for another IKEA run.

Want to talk about it?

You know, I will talk about it.
To you.

I have many operations.

One of those is, um,
selling medicine

to, um, patients
on the street, as it were.

Aw.

But a rival, shall we say,

pharmacist from New Jersey

is trying
to put the squeeze on me.

We may have to

go to the mattresses.

Well, a healthy night's sleep
is always important,

but I think
you'd feel a lot better

if you did a few exercises from
this, uh, self-esteem workbook.

Che diavolo!

See, you can pencil your way out
of your "maze of miseries,"

draw a little frowny face
for self-expression.

Come on, you know you wanna.

I don't wanna.

(singsongy):
Yes, you do.

All right, all right,
I'll draw the freakin' frown.

What do you know.

I actually feel better.

(gasps) You just gave me
the kiss of death.

(chuckles)

And a pinch to grow an inch.

(chuckling)

FLANDERS:
Then that wonderful summer
ended in a fall.

(humming a tune)

She walked in.

- What do you want?
- Hi.

I'm selling band candy
and I only need 2,000 more boxes

to go on a trip to Cincinnati
and then I'll be on my way.

No trouble.
(chuckles nervously)

Mr. Flanders?

(quietly): Come with me.

You, the best man on our block,

accidentally joined
a criminal gang?

Criminals? Criminals?!

Oh, my God. (sighs)

I see it all now.

Well, you've
got to get out of there.

So, Ned, who is this young lady
who has seen a lot

and possibly too much?

Just leave me alone,
Little Miss Busybody.

I find a place
where I'm welcome,

but you know
what's best for me.

- I just meant...
- Well, maybe the real criminal

is the neighbor who borrows
my stuff and never returns it.

Your dad has
my garage door opener.

- Why?
- Okay. Geez.

Just trying to sell band candy.

(quietly):
Put me down for a dozen.

Now scoot.

Oh...

Um... (clears throat)
My friend,

do you mind if I have a word
with you, uh, about, uh...

Hell?

Language.
You disrespect this photo,

which I believe to be my mother.

Well sir, I'll just
come right out and say it.

You, my friend,
are a rotten tomato.

Let me explain something to you.

You have aligned yourself
with a secretive organization

with many, many traditions

we are not proud of.

I know.
You're Catholic.

You do not know.

You have joined
"this thing of ours."

What thing of yours?

You know the thing.

I don't know the thing.
You people are less direct

than a corkscrew.

- (whispering)
- What the...

No.
Whackery?

Well, as I told the people
at Equinox health clubs,

no matter what I signed,
I want out.

(phone dings)

Oh!

(grumbles)

I'm afraid
from our association

there is only one way out.

Just checking--
uh, what floor are we on?

First.

FLANDERS:
I'll pay for the window!

So, for safety, I sent
my boys to their grandpawpaw.

And thank You, Lord,
for the macaroni and the cheese.

And God bless the little strings
on our bananas.

Oh, man, oh, man.

How did my family tree
get such square roots?

But as for me, I'm gonna
tough this out at home.

♪

Okay.
Time for plan B:

asylum at the Church.

Oh, dear God.

Papa just got himself

a new set of trains.

("Musica Poetica II"
by Carl Orff playing)

All right.
Let's see what we've got here.

I-I don't know, Lou.

That yellow tape clearly says,
"do not cross."

Uh, that doesn't
apply to cops, Chief.

I just want to know
where the hell is Ned Flanders.

Now, Flanders, in the spirit
of neighborliness,

you can hide
in our garage until, uh...

how does Thursday sound?

- Today's Thursday.
- You're welcome.

Poor Ned. At least
my kids are safe. Sort of.

- (grunts)
- Oh, yeah.
- Mmm.

So, tough day at work?

No chitchat.

Where is he?

- Where is who?
- You know who.

I'm just a stupid nobody
who doesn't have any Flanders.

I mean answers.
I mean answers about Flanders.

You can't choke me from behind
if I'm standing in front of you.

- (exclaiming)
- (grumbling)

(sighs) Ooh.

Oh.

My friend, if you know something

and withhold from us,

it will not go well.

Mmm. (whimpers)

What he means is...
(imitates cutting) Oh, crap,

my fingernails are too sharp!

Aah! I can't see!

(gangsters whimpering)

Oh, you did good, Homer.

You didn't stop them,
but you made them very mad.

We got him now
as long as he don't look back.

With that fat neck?
Fuhgeddaboudit.

("Mud Island Chase"
by Dave Grusin playing)

Oh, how many dinners
can this guy have?

He eats more than
Frankie Eats Too Much.

Our nicknames--
they're so judgmental.

♪

Oh. Oh, God. Oh God.
Where's Ned?

I don't know.
I came back

to bring him fresh towels
and he disappeared.

He wouldn't just leave
without drying himself off.

- He wouldn't!
- (gun chambers rack)

No Flanders!

And who knew fatso
had such a hot wife.

Eh, it's a sitcom thing.

King of Queens,
Fred Flintstone,

Timmy and Lassie.

Such a beautiful dog.

Where the hell
would Flanders go?

Well, this would be
a good time for a prayer.

Let's see.

May I suggest a prayer
from the Klingon Language Bible?

(speaks Klingon)

(sighs)
Even I think this is idiotic.

Eh, good luck.

Why are you here?

Because, deep down, I believe
you are a good man, Fat Tony.

The... Well, that's not
your Christian name.

Let me call you... Anthony.

Anthony.

Mama used to call me that.

Mm-hmm. And a man
who loves his mother

as much as you do
can't be all bad.

Mommy.

And someone who bought
that much band candy

must have a very soft heart.

Maybe I like candy.

You are right.

I'm hard on the outside
and soft on the inside.

Like the world's
most murderous cannoli.

Knew it. Repeat after me:

I believe in God.

The creator almighty.

Maker of Heaven and Earth.

Maker of Heaven
and Earth!

And so on and so forth!

(sobs)

Now, take my hand
in loving friendship.

Okay, kill him.

- What?
- I'm sorry, Ned.

But this is the business
we've chosen.

Although you were
tricked into it.

That's on me.

Any last requests?

Eh, just one.

Can I remove my mustache?

I... I want to be clean-shaven
for the Lord.

He's wearin' a wire!
Aah!

I told you
to pat down his schnozz!

- (sirens wailing outside)
- (tires screech)

(ice cream truck music playing)

(music stops)

This whole time,
you've been working for the G.

Not the whole time.

But once a certain young lady

pulled the wool from my eyes...

- I'd like to be a snitch.
- Okay.

But if things go south
and we have to pull you out,

you're gonna wind up
Mr. John Smith in Utah.

Oh, that's a dream
I've always had.

- (handcuffs click)
- I loved you, man.

You didn't even
remember my birthday.

I sent you a card.

Belatedly.

- Flanders.
- Simpson.

I'm proud of you, man.

I can't believe
someone in this town

finally put that guy in jail.

- Yeah.
- What's wrong?

Well, I miss 'em a little.

That guy can really kiss.

Stupid Flanders,
you're a brave man.

(short chuckle)
I'm nothing special.

I take my shower in the dark
just like anybody else.

Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION

and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY

and TOYOTA.

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

I can't believe it. Pushin'
books. And they're all Y. A.

The Fault in Our Stars.

Only one person dies
and they don't even get whacked.

I did like Divergent.
Lot of people get whacked.

This is gonna be one long
15-to-life.

- Idiota!
- (both yelling in Italian)

Shh!