Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:02,480 --> 00:00:03,786
-Your Honor,
the defendant was caught
2
00:00:03,829 --> 00:00:05,483
with the stolen items
in her purse.
3
00:00:05,527 --> 00:00:07,572
-You Honor, my client,
Mrs. Jasser --
4
00:00:07,616 --> 00:00:10,923
-It's Ms.Jasser.
5
00:00:10,967 --> 00:00:12,621
-Noted. Ms. Jasser --
6
00:00:12,664 --> 00:00:15,276
-You can call me Helen.
7
00:00:15,319 --> 00:00:17,408
-The defendant had
no idea that --
8
00:00:17,452 --> 00:00:20,368
-My husband's in a coma.
-Oh.
9
00:00:20,411 --> 00:00:21,847
Objection, Your Honor.
10
00:00:21,891 --> 00:00:25,068
Th-The defendant is
groping her attorney.
11
00:00:25,112 --> 00:00:27,897
-Counsel, approach the bench.
12
00:00:27,940 --> 00:00:29,377
Oh, I got nothing.
13
00:00:29,420 --> 00:00:31,292
I just thought
you could use a break.
14
00:00:31,335 --> 00:00:33,337
Am I crazy,
or has someone been getting
15
00:00:33,381 --> 00:00:35,774
a lotof lady attention lately?
16
00:00:35,818 --> 00:00:37,515
-Connie from probate
won't stop talking about
17
00:00:37,559 --> 00:00:39,778
the dashing new defense attorney
with the thick hair
18
00:00:39,822 --> 00:00:42,912
and tush worth a push.
19
00:00:42,955 --> 00:00:45,871
Connie's a big ol' freak.
20
00:00:45,915 --> 00:00:47,656
-It's actually really annoying.
21
00:00:47,699 --> 00:00:49,614
I'm tired of women asking me
if I've got any inside info
22
00:00:49,658 --> 00:00:51,790
on the silver fox I work with.
23
00:00:51,834 --> 00:00:55,272
Carol in the cafeteria,
Carol at records,
24
00:00:55,316 --> 00:00:57,100
Carol who's always wearing
the cat blouse.
25
00:00:57,144 --> 00:00:59,624
-Oh! Go for cat blouse.
26
00:00:59,668 --> 00:01:02,671
I mean, I just thought that
maybe she could be your chance
27
00:01:02,714 --> 00:01:05,630
at sharing your hopes and dreams
with someone.
28
00:01:05,674 --> 00:01:08,807
And she could also share
where to get that cat blouse.
29
00:01:08,851 --> 00:01:10,505
-Well, I hate to spoil
all your fun,
30
00:01:10,548 --> 00:01:13,116
but my dating days
are behind me.
31
00:01:13,160 --> 00:01:15,075
Of course, there was a time
I would have killed
32
00:01:15,118 --> 00:01:16,859
for this kind of attention
33
00:01:16,902 --> 00:01:18,948
and almost did.
34
00:01:20,210 --> 00:01:22,517
Not a human, a chicken.
35
00:01:22,560 --> 00:01:25,650
A voodoo doctor back in
Plaquimines Parish, Louisiana,
36
00:01:25,694 --> 00:01:29,045
told me that an animal sacrifice
would make me irresistible
37
00:01:29,089 --> 00:01:31,003
to the fairer sex.
38
00:01:32,788 --> 00:01:35,443
Anyway, let's get back
to these weirdos.
39
00:01:35,485 --> 00:01:43,320
♪♪
40
00:01:43,364 --> 00:01:51,154
♪♪
41
00:01:51,198 --> 00:01:54,157
-Which one of these pet fish
looks like the most fun?
42
00:01:54,201 --> 00:01:56,768
This one has kind eyes
and seems like a good listener,
43
00:01:56,812 --> 00:01:59,509
but this one's name is Zazzle.
44
00:01:59,554 --> 00:02:00,903
-Unless you're a seal,
getting a fish
45
00:02:00,946 --> 00:02:03,819
is a desperate cry for help.
46
00:02:03,862 --> 00:02:05,429
-Well, my fiancé, Rand, and I
47
00:02:05,473 --> 00:02:07,170
have been doing the
long-distance thing for a while,
48
00:02:07,214 --> 00:02:08,866
and I've been feeling
a little lonely,
49
00:02:08,911 --> 00:02:10,521
so thought I'd get a pet.
50
00:02:10,565 --> 00:02:12,567
But it has to be one
that you can't dress up
51
00:02:12,610 --> 00:02:15,657
because otherwise
I'll never leave the apartment.
52
00:02:15,700 --> 00:02:17,659
-Well, stud,
you got me into handcuffs.
53
00:02:17,702 --> 00:02:19,095
What now?
54
00:02:19,139 --> 00:02:20,879
[ Laughs ]
55
00:02:20,923 --> 00:02:22,228
-I mean, seriously,
56
00:02:22,272 --> 00:02:24,100
is there no poetry left
in flirting?
57
00:02:24,144 --> 00:02:27,756
Earlier today, a woman yelled,
"I'd like to climb that!"
58
00:02:27,799 --> 00:02:29,714
[ Laughter ]
59
00:02:29,758 --> 00:02:31,499
[ Cellphone vibrates ]
60
00:02:31,542 --> 00:02:34,719
-Ooh, I gotta get this.
It's the fish people.
61
00:02:34,763 --> 00:02:36,199
-Excuse me, could you help me --
62
00:02:36,243 --> 00:02:38,549
-Oh, please.
Yes, can I help you --
63
00:02:38,593 --> 00:02:41,422
what, would you like
to bang my gavel [grumbles]
64
00:02:41,465 --> 00:02:43,206
or some other tortured
double entendre?
65
00:02:43,250 --> 00:02:44,381
Let me tell you something.
66
00:02:44,425 --> 00:02:46,557
I dress like this
to please myself,
67
00:02:46,601 --> 00:02:51,475
not to be ogled and debased
by deviants like you.
68
00:02:51,519 --> 00:02:53,912
-I just wanted to know
where the records room is.
69
00:02:53,956 --> 00:02:55,436
-Down the hall to the left,
first right.
70
00:02:55,478 --> 00:02:56,698
-Ah.
71
00:02:56,741 --> 00:02:58,829
-Uh, excuse me.
72
00:02:58,874 --> 00:03:00,484
I'd like to apologize.
I'm very sorry.
73
00:03:00,528 --> 00:03:03,052
I -- I had a long day.
74
00:03:03,095 --> 00:03:06,403
-Oh, I mean, I can't begin
to appreciate the indignities
75
00:03:06,447 --> 00:03:09,667
you must suffer as
an upper-middle-class white man.
76
00:03:10,973 --> 00:03:12,409
-I deserve that.
77
00:03:12,453 --> 00:03:13,889
Can I make it up to you
78
00:03:13,932 --> 00:03:16,892
by buying your...
real-life newspaper?
79
00:03:16,935 --> 00:03:18,763
-Oh, I actually
get this delivered.
80
00:03:18,807 --> 00:03:21,940
Yeah, call me old fashioned,
but I like knowing
81
00:03:21,984 --> 00:03:24,943
there was someone right outside
my door while I was asleep.
82
00:03:24,987 --> 00:03:26,728
-[ Chuckles ]
83
00:03:26,771 --> 00:03:28,991
Ah, I thought I was one of
the last people to read those.
84
00:03:29,034 --> 00:03:30,688
Matter fact, I start every day
by doing...
85
00:03:30,732 --> 00:03:32,864
-The Jumble.
-...the Jumble.
86
00:03:32,908 --> 00:03:34,083
Uh, I'm Dan.
87
00:03:34,126 --> 00:03:35,606
-Oh. Julianne.
-Hi.
88
00:03:35,650 --> 00:03:37,739
-Well, thanks
for the directions,
89
00:03:37,781 --> 00:03:40,437
and good luck
fending off the deviants.
90
00:03:40,481 --> 00:03:42,222
-Ha! [ Chuckles ]
91
00:03:43,788 --> 00:03:46,313
-Ah, screw it.
Look, I did come over to you
92
00:03:46,356 --> 00:03:47,923
because I thought
you were handsome,
93
00:03:47,966 --> 00:03:50,839
and my therapist told me
that I should take more chances.
94
00:03:50,882 --> 00:03:52,884
Well, here's my number.
95
00:03:52,928 --> 00:03:55,713
Maybe we can Jumble together
sometime.
96
00:03:58,107 --> 00:04:01,458
-Oooh!
97
00:04:01,502 --> 00:04:04,069
-Dan met a lady!
98
00:04:04,113 --> 00:04:05,854
-My heart is closed
for business.
99
00:04:05,897 --> 00:04:07,725
I've had the great romance
of my life.
100
00:04:07,769 --> 00:04:10,337
That's more
than most people get.
101
00:04:10,380 --> 00:04:12,469
-I know you don't believe that.
102
00:04:12,513 --> 00:04:15,124
I mean, just tonight you said
that we're all entitled
103
00:04:15,167 --> 00:04:17,082
to more than one great love.
104
00:04:17,125 --> 00:04:19,302
Sure, you were defending
a polygamist cult leader,
105
00:04:19,346 --> 00:04:23,045
but I could tell
it was from the heart.
106
00:04:24,133 --> 00:04:25,830
-Ugh, romance.
107
00:04:25,874 --> 00:04:27,571
Even those movies are
depressing.
108
00:04:27,615 --> 00:04:30,313
They're all about some woman
who abandons a presentation
109
00:04:30,357 --> 00:04:32,359
to catch some guy
at the airport.
110
00:04:32,402 --> 00:04:34,186
It's like,
finish the presentation.
111
00:04:34,230 --> 00:04:37,015
The head of the company
is there!
112
00:04:37,058 --> 00:04:40,149
-Well, y'all know me -- I always
got a boo and a back-up boo.
113
00:04:40,192 --> 00:04:41,890
You will not catch me
on the kiss cam
114
00:04:41,933 --> 00:04:43,979
with no one to kiss,
bumming out a whole stadium.
115
00:04:44,022 --> 00:04:46,895
It's just not fair to the fans.
116
00:04:46,938 --> 00:04:48,462
-All right,
let's give Dan a break.
117
00:04:48,505 --> 00:04:50,638
If he doesn't want to date,
that's okay.
118
00:04:50,681 --> 00:04:52,335
I mean, he doesn't need
a special someone
119
00:04:52,379 --> 00:04:53,771
when he's got us.
120
00:04:53,815 --> 00:04:56,296
We are all the emotional
connection he needs.
121
00:04:56,339 --> 00:04:58,558
-I'm just gonna go ahead
and text Julianne.
122
00:04:58,602 --> 00:05:01,170
[ Laughter ]
123
00:05:01,213 --> 00:05:02,563
-I'm an assistant
district attorney
124
00:05:02,606 --> 00:05:03,912
in the city of New York,
125
00:05:03,955 --> 00:05:05,870
and you will treat me
with respect!
126
00:05:05,914 --> 00:05:07,611
[ Banging ]
127
00:05:07,655 --> 00:05:10,005
Okay, well, your client
should have thought about that
128
00:05:10,048 --> 00:05:13,574
before took a bath
in Richard Kind's apartment.
129
00:05:13,617 --> 00:05:16,620
Oh, okay.
I'll see youin court.
130
00:05:19,971 --> 00:05:21,973
[ Coin splashes ]
131
00:05:24,193 --> 00:05:26,238
-You got any mints?
132
00:05:27,675 --> 00:05:29,241
-This is a nightmare.
133
00:05:29,285 --> 00:05:31,243
I'm trying to find somewhere
I can work that's quiet,
134
00:05:31,287 --> 00:05:33,028
but this just --
this is not worth it.
135
00:05:33,071 --> 00:05:35,378
-Well, isn't there an office
all the DAs work out of?
136
00:05:35,422 --> 00:05:37,685
-Ugh! No one will leave me
alone in there.
137
00:05:37,728 --> 00:05:39,251
Okay, you know what?
It's fine. It's fine.
138
00:05:39,295 --> 00:05:41,123
I'm -- I'm just gonna go
and work in the morgue.
139
00:05:41,166 --> 00:05:44,126
The vibe is lousy, but at least
there are plenty of drawers.
140
00:05:44,169 --> 00:05:46,389
-Well, hang on. I bet if we
put our heads together,
141
00:05:46,433 --> 00:05:47,999
we can find you
a quiet place to work.
142
00:05:48,043 --> 00:05:49,610
-Oh, I don't know.
I've looked everywhere.
143
00:05:49,653 --> 00:05:51,655
Every office and most
of the closets are --
144
00:05:51,699 --> 00:05:54,092
What -- What's --
What are you doing?
145
00:05:54,136 --> 00:05:56,834
Uh, you keep blueprints
in the bathroom vent?
146
00:05:56,878 --> 00:05:58,401
-I keep blueprints
in every vent.
147
00:05:58,445 --> 00:05:59,707
You never know when you might
find yourself
148
00:05:59,750 --> 00:06:01,361
in a "Die Hard" situation.
149
00:06:03,450 --> 00:06:04,668
"Die Hard."
150
00:06:04,712 --> 00:06:07,584
-Uh...
-Nakatomi Plaza?
151
00:06:07,628 --> 00:06:10,282
We open on a plane.
152
00:06:10,326 --> 00:06:12,546
A young Die Hard hates to fly.
153
00:06:12,589 --> 00:06:14,286
-Don't have time to hear
a movie right now, Gurgs.
154
00:06:14,330 --> 00:06:15,940
-Right. One emergency at a time.
155
00:06:15,984 --> 00:06:17,377
All buildings like this
have a lot
156
00:06:17,420 --> 00:06:18,943
of unused nooks and crannies.
157
00:06:18,987 --> 00:06:21,032
-Okay, well, looks like
our best bet gonna be
158
00:06:21,076 --> 00:06:22,686
right here in the east wing.
159
00:06:24,601 --> 00:06:27,169
[ Laughter ]
160
00:06:29,301 --> 00:06:30,564
-Thanks for expediting
the docket
161
00:06:30,607 --> 00:06:32,522
so Dan could leave early
for his date.
162
00:06:32,566 --> 00:06:34,611
Any big plans for all this
extra night we've got?
163
00:06:34,655 --> 00:06:36,396
-Yeah, so many.
164
00:06:36,439 --> 00:06:38,746
Me and my boy...Jaston, the --
165
00:06:38,789 --> 00:06:41,531
-It's okay to say nothing.
-Nothing.
166
00:06:41,575 --> 00:06:43,054
You?
167
00:06:43,098 --> 00:06:44,926
-Mondays used to be pizza night
for me and Rand,
168
00:06:44,969 --> 00:06:48,058
but now we're 300 miles apart,
so...
169
00:06:48,103 --> 00:06:50,975
At least Dan's having fun.
170
00:06:51,019 --> 00:06:52,977
First dates are so magical.
171
00:06:53,021 --> 00:06:54,979
The anticipation, the jitters,
172
00:06:55,023 --> 00:06:56,546
the excitement
when the car pulls up
173
00:06:56,590 --> 00:06:58,461
and you get that first whiff
of garlic.
174
00:06:58,505 --> 00:07:00,985
Now I'm talking about pizza
again.
175
00:07:01,029 --> 00:07:03,423
-Plus, Dan picked
a great first-date spot.
176
00:07:03,466 --> 00:07:05,816
De Bello's minestrone
is to die for.
177
00:07:05,860 --> 00:07:07,427
And they'll give you a cup
for half off
178
00:07:07,470 --> 00:07:10,821
if you show them the text
when your date cancels.
179
00:07:10,865 --> 00:07:14,129
-You don't think Julianne would
cancel on Dan, though, right?
180
00:07:14,172 --> 00:07:16,653
I hate the idea of him
sitting alone, rejected,
181
00:07:16,697 --> 00:07:19,134
crying into a bowl of sad soup.
182
00:07:19,177 --> 00:07:20,744
-They won't upgrade you
to a bowl,
183
00:07:20,788 --> 00:07:22,790
no matter
how much you're crying.
184
00:07:22,832 --> 00:07:24,139
-I pushed him into this.
185
00:07:24,182 --> 00:07:25,793
I'm gonna feel terrible
if he gets hurt.
186
00:07:25,836 --> 00:07:27,838
Like the time I snuck my cousin
on a roller coaster
187
00:07:27,882 --> 00:07:30,188
and realized you have to be
this tall for a reason.
188
00:07:30,232 --> 00:07:32,321
[ Laughter ]
189
00:07:32,364 --> 00:07:33,670
Don't worry, there was a loop,
190
00:07:33,714 --> 00:07:36,368
so she landed
right back in her seat.
191
00:07:36,412 --> 00:07:39,459
But the guy said
that almost never happens.
192
00:07:39,502 --> 00:07:43,593
Okay, what if I just popped into
the restaurant for a quick peek
193
00:07:43,637 --> 00:07:45,943
just to make sure
it's all going okay?
194
00:07:45,987 --> 00:07:47,336
That wouldn't be too crazy,
right?
195
00:07:47,379 --> 00:07:50,034
-No. I'll come, too.
Moral support.
196
00:07:50,078 --> 00:07:52,036
Plus, I can tell people
I was on a date.
197
00:07:52,080 --> 00:07:53,777
[ Laughter ]
198
00:07:56,084 --> 00:07:57,868
-Okay, I just real quick
want to get eyes on him,
199
00:07:57,912 --> 00:07:59,479
and then we'll be on our way.
200
00:07:59,522 --> 00:08:01,524
-Hey, hey, Mr. Neil!
201
00:08:01,568 --> 00:08:04,701
Well, she showed up this time.
Congratulations.
202
00:08:04,745 --> 00:08:06,834
-Oh, no, she's my boss.
203
00:08:06,877 --> 00:08:10,315
-Ah, that makes more sense.
I'll go get your soup.
204
00:08:10,359 --> 00:08:13,362
-Oh! There he is.
205
00:08:13,405 --> 00:08:16,060
Oh, no. He's alone.
He got stood up.
206
00:08:16,104 --> 00:08:18,585
Okay, this was a bad idea.
We should go.
207
00:08:18,628 --> 00:08:20,630
[ Dishes clattering ]
208
00:08:21,849 --> 00:08:23,894
-Oh! Dan's here!
209
00:08:23,938 --> 00:08:25,374
Hi, Dan.
210
00:08:25,417 --> 00:08:27,245
[ Laughter ]
211
00:08:30,858 --> 00:08:33,513
-What are you doing here?
-It's a funny story.
212
00:08:33,556 --> 00:08:35,775
So, uh, Neil wanted soup,
213
00:08:35,818 --> 00:08:37,472
and then we knocked over
that tray,
214
00:08:37,517 --> 00:08:40,780
and now you're mad at us.
215
00:08:40,823 --> 00:08:42,130
I'm so sorry.
216
00:08:42,173 --> 00:08:43,479
Julianne stood you up,
didn't she?
217
00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:45,786
-Yes, she did.
218
00:08:45,829 --> 00:08:49,529
Turns out she never liked me,
I guess, and...oh.
219
00:08:49,572 --> 00:08:51,226
Ugh. Too much work.
220
00:08:51,269 --> 00:08:52,749
I never sent her a text.
221
00:08:52,793 --> 00:08:54,359
-What the nuts, Dan?
You didn't have to lie.
222
00:08:54,403 --> 00:08:56,013
It's fine
if you didn't like her.
223
00:08:56,057 --> 00:08:57,493
-No, it's not
that I didn't like her.
224
00:08:57,537 --> 00:09:00,191
I actually found her
rather captivating.
225
00:09:00,235 --> 00:09:02,019
All right, look,
if you must know,
226
00:09:02,063 --> 00:09:03,804
I actually did write her a text
inviting her here to dinner.
227
00:09:03,847 --> 00:09:07,068
I just never got
to the send part.
228
00:09:07,111 --> 00:09:09,636
That's how these things start --
with send, and then dinner,
229
00:09:09,679 --> 00:09:11,159
then a second dinner,
230
00:09:11,202 --> 00:09:12,595
and then all of a sudden
it's Thanksgiving
231
00:09:12,639 --> 00:09:13,944
and you find yourself
duking it out
232
00:09:13,988 --> 00:09:15,293
with her half-Turkish
brother-in-law
233
00:09:15,337 --> 00:09:17,121
over American policy
in the Balkans,
234
00:09:17,165 --> 00:09:18,819
and why
in that particular scenario
235
00:09:18,862 --> 00:09:20,342
I have such strong opinions
about that,
236
00:09:20,385 --> 00:09:22,605
I don't know, but I do.
237
00:09:22,649 --> 00:09:25,042
-The point is,
238
00:09:25,086 --> 00:09:26,870
I understand
that this could be scary,
239
00:09:26,914 --> 00:09:28,480
but if you don't at least try,
240
00:09:28,524 --> 00:09:30,874
you could be missing out
on something really special.
241
00:09:30,918 --> 00:09:33,485
You could take it
as slow as you want.
242
00:09:33,529 --> 00:09:34,965
[ Text message whooshes ]
243
00:09:35,009 --> 00:09:38,142
-I'm sorry. I sent the text.
244
00:09:38,186 --> 00:09:39,622
What Abby said got to me.
245
00:09:39,665 --> 00:09:41,711
I can't watch you be alone
anymore, Dan.
246
00:09:41,755 --> 00:09:43,844
[ Laughter ]
247
00:09:43,887 --> 00:09:46,498
-Don't worry, it's not like
she's gonna run on over here.
248
00:09:46,542 --> 00:09:48,370
[ Cellphone chimes ]
249
00:09:48,413 --> 00:09:50,372
-Says she'll be here
in five minutes.
250
00:09:50,415 --> 00:09:52,026
[ Laughter ]
251
00:09:54,028 --> 00:09:55,638
-Ah! I can't believe
this has been
252
00:09:55,682 --> 00:09:57,509
hidden here this whole time.
253
00:09:57,553 --> 00:09:59,076
Why do you think
it was boarded up?
254
00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:00,643
-Well, my guess is
this is where they used to
255
00:10:00,687 --> 00:10:02,645
prosecute all those witches.
256
00:10:02,689 --> 00:10:04,821
You know, New York City
in the '70s was crazy.
257
00:10:04,865 --> 00:10:06,954
[ Chuckles ]
258
00:10:06,997 --> 00:10:08,346
-This is perfect.
259
00:10:08,390 --> 00:10:10,131
No one's gonna bother me here.
260
00:10:10,174 --> 00:10:13,656
-You know, I have to share an
office with nine other bailiffs.
261
00:10:13,700 --> 00:10:17,399
Sure would be nice
to have a place like this.
262
00:10:17,442 --> 00:10:20,489
-Um, seeing as you found it,
263
00:10:20,532 --> 00:10:22,186
I-I-I guess we could share.
264
00:10:22,230 --> 00:10:24,667
-Oh! I could never...
-Right?
265
00:10:24,711 --> 00:10:27,365
-...say no to an offer
like that, so absolutely yes!
266
00:10:29,063 --> 00:10:31,413
-Good. That's what I wanted,
267
00:10:31,456 --> 00:10:34,068
yeah, and therefore why I asked.
268
00:10:34,111 --> 00:10:35,765
-We're gonna be office buddies.
269
00:10:35,809 --> 00:10:37,854
We can finally get to know
each other better.
270
00:10:37,898 --> 00:10:39,726
First thing to know about me --
271
00:10:39,769 --> 00:10:42,554
I love a Crockpot, because you
can just set it and forget it.
272
00:10:42,598 --> 00:10:45,035
Oh, no! My stew!
273
00:10:45,079 --> 00:10:46,733
[ Laughter ]
274
00:10:48,648 --> 00:10:50,084
-Hey, do you want us to stay?
275
00:10:50,127 --> 00:10:52,695
It might keep things
from being uncomfortable.
276
00:10:52,739 --> 00:10:55,611
It'll just be
really, really weird.
277
00:10:55,655 --> 00:10:56,917
-No, it's okay.
278
00:10:56,960 --> 00:10:59,397
You guys can leave, um...
279
00:10:59,441 --> 00:11:01,617
Sure, it's been 27 years
since I was on a date,
280
00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:03,401
but it's just dinner.
281
00:11:03,445 --> 00:11:05,534
One thing hasn't changed --
I am Dan Fielding,
282
00:11:05,577 --> 00:11:08,624
a man renowned
for his charm and grace and --
283
00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:10,191
oh, my God, she's here.
284
00:11:10,234 --> 00:11:11,627
Ohh! She's wearing a scarf.
285
00:11:11,671 --> 00:11:12,976
Oh, you're staying. Get down.
286
00:11:13,020 --> 00:11:16,588
Get down. Get down.
You're staying.
287
00:11:16,632 --> 00:11:19,330
-Don't I know you
from somewhere?
288
00:11:19,374 --> 00:11:21,332
-Hello, sailor.
289
00:11:22,507 --> 00:11:24,988
-Uh, hi. I'm Abby.
290
00:11:25,032 --> 00:11:27,077
-Oh, hello.
-Hi. And this is Neil.
291
00:11:27,121 --> 00:11:28,557
-Hi.
-Hi.
292
00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:29,906
-The three of us were having
a group hang,
293
00:11:29,950 --> 00:11:31,734
and Dan had the great idea
294
00:11:31,778 --> 00:11:34,258
to invite the charming woman
he met the other day.
295
00:11:34,302 --> 00:11:36,608
-Well, I'm glad she couldn't
make it and you asked me.
296
00:11:36,652 --> 00:11:38,698
-No, no, we mean you.
297
00:11:38,741 --> 00:11:41,091
She means you.
Why did you say it like that?
298
00:11:42,789 --> 00:11:45,705
-Why don't you have a seat?
-All right.
299
00:11:45,748 --> 00:11:48,229
-Oh, yes.
300
00:11:48,272 --> 00:11:50,622
-Ah, I love this place.
301
00:11:50,665 --> 00:11:53,669
You know, the minestrone here
is incredible.
302
00:11:53,713 --> 00:11:56,585
-[ Whispering loudly ]
This one's a keeper.
303
00:11:56,628 --> 00:11:59,196
-I've never been a fan of soup.
304
00:11:59,240 --> 00:12:01,546
It's sort of like hot juice.
305
00:12:01,590 --> 00:12:03,679
[ Laughter ]
306
00:12:05,550 --> 00:12:08,031
-So, Julianne,
where are you from?
307
00:12:08,075 --> 00:12:09,859
-Uh, well, I-I grew up
on Staten Island,
308
00:12:09,903 --> 00:12:12,993
but when I was 12, my parents --
-Oop! Trivia!
309
00:12:13,036 --> 00:12:16,213
Do you know that New York and
New Jersey had a boat race --
310
00:12:16,257 --> 00:12:20,783
[mimics motor] -- to decide who
would incorporate Staten Island?
311
00:12:20,827 --> 00:12:22,306
-Really? Huh.
312
00:12:22,350 --> 00:12:23,743
You know, I never heard that.
313
00:12:23,786 --> 00:12:25,788
-You calling me a liar?
-What?
314
00:12:25,832 --> 00:12:28,486
-Ha, ha! This guy!
-Whoa!
315
00:12:28,530 --> 00:12:30,227
-Dan, I'm sorry. I'm so clumsy.
316
00:12:30,271 --> 00:12:31,751
Why don't you go
to the bathroom and dry off?
317
00:12:31,794 --> 00:12:33,274
-What the?
-And Neil, go with him.
318
00:12:33,317 --> 00:12:35,102
Calm him down.
-Okay, but I'm also gonna pee
319
00:12:35,145 --> 00:12:36,146
while I'm in there.
320
00:12:36,190 --> 00:12:38,105
-Why would you tell me that?
321
00:12:39,933 --> 00:12:41,630
I'm sorry about Dan.
322
00:12:41,673 --> 00:12:44,938
I promise he's usually
more grumpy than he is insane.
323
00:12:44,981 --> 00:12:47,157
He's just nervous
because he really likes you.
324
00:12:47,201 --> 00:12:49,072
-He's got nothing
to be nervous about.
325
00:12:49,116 --> 00:12:51,118
You know, it's not like I'm
looking for something serious.
326
00:12:51,161 --> 00:12:52,902
I just want to have
a little fun.
327
00:12:52,946 --> 00:12:54,643
-Ah, fun.
328
00:12:54,686 --> 00:12:56,950
Fun like someone
to go bowling with?
329
00:12:56,993 --> 00:13:00,649
-No, like a fling.
-Right, a fling.
330
00:13:00,692 --> 00:13:02,825
Like an emotional fling
where you support
331
00:13:02,869 --> 00:13:05,480
the other's inner life and
embrace each other spiritually?
332
00:13:05,523 --> 00:13:08,613
-Like sex, Abby.
I'm talking about sex.
333
00:13:08,657 --> 00:13:10,224
-Sex like --
334
00:13:10,267 --> 00:13:13,183
Nope, no way to intentionally
misinterpret that.
335
00:13:13,227 --> 00:13:15,882
Sex it is!
336
00:13:18,623 --> 00:13:19,842
-Oh.
-Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan.
337
00:13:19,886 --> 00:13:21,539
-Oh, yes, I know,
it's going terribly,
338
00:13:21,583 --> 00:13:23,846
but you didn't have to send Neil
to the bathroom with me.
339
00:13:23,890 --> 00:13:27,894
He's still in there moving the
part in his hair back and forth.
340
00:13:27,937 --> 00:13:29,460
-I gotta tell you something
about Julianne.
341
00:13:29,504 --> 00:13:31,854
-Don't bother.
You know what? I'm going home.
342
00:13:31,898 --> 00:13:34,944
I was clearly not ready
for a date with a person.
343
00:13:34,988 --> 00:13:37,120
-Calling it a night
is probably a good idea.
344
00:13:37,164 --> 00:13:38,774
Julianne doesn't want
to go slow.
345
00:13:38,818 --> 00:13:40,558
She wants to go fast.
Sex fast.
346
00:13:40,602 --> 00:13:41,864
Let's just get out of here.
347
00:13:41,908 --> 00:13:43,257
-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold on there.
348
00:13:43,300 --> 00:13:46,173
Just give me a minute
to process this.
349
00:13:46,216 --> 00:13:47,478
-What is there to process?
350
00:13:47,522 --> 00:13:49,089
I don't think you're ready
for this.
351
00:13:49,132 --> 00:13:51,265
What are you gonna do --
go home, turn down the lights,
352
00:13:51,308 --> 00:13:54,529
light some candles,
and yell boat facts at her?
353
00:13:54,572 --> 00:13:56,400
-I-I don't think
I've ever told a woman
354
00:13:56,444 --> 00:13:57,793
I don't want to have sex.
355
00:13:57,837 --> 00:13:59,490
I don't even know
how that would sound.
356
00:13:59,534 --> 00:14:01,101
Hi, my name is Dan.
I don't want to see you naked.
357
00:14:01,144 --> 00:14:03,581
Ooh, that sounds wrong.
358
00:14:04,147 --> 00:14:06,236
-Before you jump into anything,
just take a minute.
359
00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:08,021
Consider if an empty,
meaningless fling
360
00:14:08,064 --> 00:14:11,415
is really what you want.
361
00:14:11,459 --> 00:14:12,939
-You're right.
362
00:14:12,982 --> 00:14:14,244
-Do you want to get out of here?
363
00:14:14,288 --> 00:14:15,724
-Absolutely.
Let me get my things.
364
00:14:15,767 --> 00:14:17,465
[ Laughter ]
365
00:14:18,118 --> 00:14:20,772
-Oh, we're gonna have
so much fun in here.
366
00:14:20,816 --> 00:14:22,383
Okay, check it out --
367
00:14:22,426 --> 00:14:26,343
it's my Hot Mug Shot
Guy of the Month calendar.
368
00:14:26,387 --> 00:14:30,130
Who are you more excited for,
Cinco de Marco,
369
00:14:30,173 --> 00:14:33,046
or [chuckles]...
370
00:14:33,089 --> 00:14:36,614
Eight Nights of Shawnukkah?
371
00:14:36,658 --> 00:14:38,790
-Gurgs, some of those guys
are legit murderers.
372
00:14:38,834 --> 00:14:40,749
-Well, I'm not picturing myself
on a beach in Aruba
373
00:14:40,792 --> 00:14:43,795
with their rap sheets.
374
00:14:43,839 --> 00:14:45,885
Besides, it's got all
our important dates on it --
375
00:14:45,928 --> 00:14:48,278
our birthdays,
our officeiversary,
376
00:14:48,322 --> 00:14:49,714
which is today,
377
00:14:49,758 --> 00:14:53,109
our holiday
[whispers] Christmas party.
378
00:14:53,153 --> 00:14:54,545
-How about we just, you know,
379
00:14:54,589 --> 00:14:56,373
hold off on the calendar talk
for now
380
00:14:56,417 --> 00:14:58,767
and maybe focus on
getting a little work done?
381
00:14:58,810 --> 00:15:00,421
-We couldn't be more
on the same page.
382
00:15:00,464 --> 00:15:02,031
I'm all about work, too.
383
00:15:02,075 --> 00:15:04,686
Actually, can I get
your opinion on something?
384
00:15:04,729 --> 00:15:06,949
Imagine you're in the courtroom,
385
00:15:06,993 --> 00:15:08,690
people are milling about,
386
00:15:08,733 --> 00:15:11,432
and then I hit you with,
"All rise!"
387
00:15:12,824 --> 00:15:14,522
It's too much bass?
388
00:15:14,565 --> 00:15:17,003
Would you prefer something
more of a,
389
00:15:17,046 --> 00:15:19,266
[sensuously] "All rise"?
390
00:15:19,309 --> 00:15:21,007
[ Laughter ]
391
00:15:22,225 --> 00:15:25,098
-Well, I'm very sorry that
we had to stop at the bodega
392
00:15:25,141 --> 00:15:26,751
for the wine,
but, you know, I understand
393
00:15:26,795 --> 00:15:29,972
that this vintage of...
Kangaroo Fields Table Red
394
00:15:30,016 --> 00:15:32,975
is a very good year.
395
00:15:33,019 --> 00:15:35,978
-[ Chuckles ] Oh, I'm not here
for the wine, Dan.
396
00:15:36,022 --> 00:15:39,764
-Oh, well, uhhhhh,
how 'bout a snack?
397
00:15:39,808 --> 00:15:42,680
You know, I bet that wine
would pair well with a --
398
00:15:42,724 --> 00:15:46,119
a Cheeto, uh, or Frito,
of Dorito,
399
00:15:46,162 --> 00:15:48,773
any of the 'to snacks.
Tostito!
400
00:15:48,817 --> 00:15:51,515
Ah, that has "to" on both ends.
401
00:15:51,559 --> 00:15:53,213
[ Laughter ]
402
00:15:53,256 --> 00:15:55,476
Uh, uh, do you like rain sticks?
403
00:15:55,519 --> 00:15:57,652
[ Rain stick rattling ]
404
00:15:58,696 --> 00:16:00,960
[ Laughter ]
405
00:16:01,003 --> 00:16:02,265
-How 'bout we move
to a different room
406
00:16:02,309 --> 00:16:03,701
with a different stick?
407
00:16:03,745 --> 00:16:06,878
-Well, um, oh, you know,
I got this
408
00:16:06,922 --> 00:16:09,011
with my late wife, um, Sarah.
409
00:16:09,055 --> 00:16:10,230
It was on our first trip
together.
410
00:16:10,273 --> 00:16:11,709
She wanted to, uh --
411
00:16:11,753 --> 00:16:14,190
She wanted to go zip-lining
in Costa Rica,
412
00:16:14,234 --> 00:16:16,540
but I didn't want to go
to Costa Rica.
413
00:16:16,584 --> 00:16:17,628
I mean, I didn't want to go
anywhere
414
00:16:17,672 --> 00:16:19,413
where I had to get a vaccination
415
00:16:19,456 --> 00:16:22,242
for something called
Turtle Fever.
416
00:16:22,285 --> 00:16:25,201
But I wanted to make her happy.
417
00:16:25,245 --> 00:16:27,987
Before Sarah, I couldn't --
couldn't imagine
418
00:16:28,030 --> 00:16:30,467
putting anyone's needs
ahead of mine,
419
00:16:30,511 --> 00:16:32,948
but she changed me.
420
00:16:32,992 --> 00:16:35,646
I mean, uh, the old me would
have been very much into this,
421
00:16:35,690 --> 00:16:38,345
but, uh,
I'm a different man now.
422
00:16:38,388 --> 00:16:39,607
I realize
there's more to life --
423
00:16:39,650 --> 00:16:41,826
-Oh, my God!
424
00:16:41,870 --> 00:16:44,003
Please stop talking.
425
00:16:45,787 --> 00:16:47,832
Oh, you really know
how to take the fun
426
00:16:47,876 --> 00:16:50,226
out of a revenge plot.
427
00:16:50,270 --> 00:16:52,924
-I'm sorry, wait, wait.
Revenge plot?
428
00:16:52,968 --> 00:16:55,884
-Of course,
you don't remember me.
429
00:16:55,927 --> 00:16:57,755
You had the judge
throw the book at me
430
00:16:57,799 --> 00:17:02,325
for a little thing like setting
my ex-boyfriend's house on fire.
431
00:17:02,369 --> 00:17:03,674
-Sorry, wait a minute.
432
00:17:03,718 --> 00:17:04,980
This whole thing was just
to get back at me
433
00:17:05,023 --> 00:17:06,763
for a case that happened
30 years ago?
434
00:17:06,808 --> 00:17:09,463
-That's right. Now, I have
a whole revenge list.
435
00:17:09,506 --> 00:17:11,334
You're between
my ex-mother-in-law
436
00:17:11,377 --> 00:17:13,162
and Boost Mobile.
437
00:17:15,121 --> 00:17:16,773
You know, I thought
I'd never find you.
438
00:17:16,818 --> 00:17:19,907
But then I saw your name
when I was back in court --
439
00:17:19,951 --> 00:17:22,824
uh, different boyfriend,
different fire.
440
00:17:22,867 --> 00:17:24,913
-Sure. If it ain't broke...
441
00:17:24,955 --> 00:17:26,567
-I was gonna steal your identity
442
00:17:26,609 --> 00:17:28,656
and leave you a shell of a man,
443
00:17:28,699 --> 00:17:30,962
but you can't burn
a house down twice.
444
00:17:31,006 --> 00:17:34,140
Believe me, I've tried.
445
00:17:34,183 --> 00:17:35,663
Here's your wallet.
446
00:17:35,706 --> 00:17:38,622
And, uh, some advice --
447
00:17:38,666 --> 00:17:41,669
use that money for a shrink
or a pint of ice cream
448
00:17:41,712 --> 00:17:44,367
or something,
because youneed help.
449
00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:48,850
And that's coming from someone
who has been diagnosed
450
00:17:48,893 --> 00:17:50,939
as criminally insane.
451
00:17:50,982 --> 00:17:53,028
[ Laughs and snorts ]
452
00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:54,769
[ Laughter ]
453
00:17:56,597 --> 00:17:58,599
-This isn't my wallet.
454
00:18:04,866 --> 00:18:08,043
-Gurgs, close the tarp.
We need to talk.
455
00:18:08,087 --> 00:18:10,219
-Oh, no. Are you moving out?
456
00:18:10,263 --> 00:18:14,136
-Yeah, I realize I'm not really
the office-sharing type.
457
00:18:14,180 --> 00:18:15,833
You can have this place.
458
00:18:15,877 --> 00:18:18,140
I'm gonna head down to
the solitary-confinement cell.
459
00:18:18,184 --> 00:18:21,056
Could probably get a lot of work
done before the madness sets in.
460
00:18:22,318 --> 00:18:24,364
-No, you don't have to do that.
This is my fault.
461
00:18:24,407 --> 00:18:26,801
I came on too strong.
I should be the one to go.
462
00:18:26,844 --> 00:18:28,846
-Yeah, it's not you.
It's me, really.
463
00:18:28,890 --> 00:18:31,893
I'm just uncomfortable
around people.
464
00:18:31,936 --> 00:18:33,851
-Makes it hard
to get to know you.
465
00:18:33,895 --> 00:18:35,288
-Why would you want
to get to know me?
466
00:18:35,331 --> 00:18:37,116
-'Cause I like you.
467
00:18:37,159 --> 00:18:39,814
I thought this office would be
a chance to bring us closer.
468
00:18:39,857 --> 00:18:41,424
But nothing was working.
469
00:18:41,468 --> 00:18:43,513
I got in my head,
and my heart was pounding.
470
00:18:43,557 --> 00:18:45,080
-And your mouth was doing things
471
00:18:45,124 --> 00:18:46,168
even though your brain
kept yelling, "Stop!"
472
00:18:46,212 --> 00:18:48,039
-Yes! I thought I was gonna die.
473
00:18:48,083 --> 00:18:49,998
-That's how I feel around
everyone all of the time!
474
00:18:50,041 --> 00:18:51,739
-Oh! We're bonding.
475
00:18:51,782 --> 00:18:54,176
-Are we work wives now?
476
00:18:54,220 --> 00:18:58,267
-Look at us, like two weird
ingredients in the perfect stew.
477
00:18:58,311 --> 00:18:59,703
Oh, no! My other stew!
478
00:18:59,747 --> 00:19:01,836
-No, no, no, it's okay.
479
00:19:01,879 --> 00:19:03,490
I turned it off for you.
480
00:19:05,709 --> 00:19:07,624
[ Laughter ]
481
00:19:09,235 --> 00:19:11,062
-So what do you say?
482
00:19:11,106 --> 00:19:12,412
Give this another chance?
483
00:19:12,455 --> 00:19:14,196
-On one condition.
484
00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:16,242
You explain to me
what Nakatomi Plaza is.
485
00:19:16,285 --> 00:19:19,201
-[ Gasps ]
I thought you'd never ask.
486
00:19:19,245 --> 00:19:22,030
When last we left
our young Die Hard,
487
00:19:22,073 --> 00:19:23,597
he was on a plane.
488
00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:25,120
[ Laughter ]
489
00:19:27,078 --> 00:19:29,211
-How'd it go?
Nope, not gonna ask.
490
00:19:29,255 --> 00:19:30,604
It's not my business
so I don't wanna know --
491
00:19:30,647 --> 00:19:32,083
-Nothing happened.
492
00:19:32,127 --> 00:19:34,477
-Thank you so much.
It was killing me.
493
00:19:34,521 --> 00:19:36,392
-Well, nothing in the way
that you're thinking,
494
00:19:36,436 --> 00:19:40,004
but very much in the way
that I had a minor breakdown
495
00:19:40,048 --> 00:19:41,528
and he tried to rob me.
496
00:19:41,571 --> 00:19:46,141
But I foiled her devious plan
by being too sad.
497
00:19:46,185 --> 00:19:48,535
-So, you gonna call her again?
498
00:19:49,840 --> 00:19:52,103
I'm sorry I got so involved.
499
00:19:52,147 --> 00:19:54,541
It's possible I may have been
living through you
500
00:19:54,584 --> 00:19:57,108
since my entire life
is upstate --
501
00:19:57,152 --> 00:20:00,416
my friends, my fiancé, my cow.
502
00:20:01,635 --> 00:20:04,333
-I know you paused after cow
wanting me to ask,
503
00:20:04,377 --> 00:20:06,814
but I never will.
504
00:20:06,857 --> 00:20:08,424
-That's too bad.
She's got a rough hide
505
00:20:08,468 --> 00:20:11,775
and a tender heart,
just like you.
506
00:20:11,819 --> 00:20:14,256
I just wanted you
to find somebody.
507
00:20:14,300 --> 00:20:16,954
Being alone seems kinda hard.
508
00:20:16,998 --> 00:20:18,826
-Sometimes.
509
00:20:18,869 --> 00:20:21,307
But you know what made it easier
510
00:20:21,350 --> 00:20:24,962
when she turned out
to be a sociopath?
511
00:20:25,006 --> 00:20:26,790
Knowing that if
I ever do want to talk,
512
00:20:26,834 --> 00:20:28,314
and I'm not saying
that I ever will,
513
00:20:28,357 --> 00:20:31,404
but if I ever did,
I could imagine a possible,
514
00:20:31,447 --> 00:20:34,276
though veryunlikely scenario,
515
00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:38,585
where I might choose
to talk...to you.
516
00:20:39,586 --> 00:20:41,631
-Mm-hmm.
517
00:20:41,675 --> 00:20:43,067
-You may react.
518
00:20:43,111 --> 00:20:44,982
-Eee!
-Oh, don't.
519
00:20:46,810 --> 00:20:48,638
-Oh! I can't wait to dig in.
520
00:20:48,682 --> 00:20:50,205
Okay, first up -- childhood.
521
00:20:50,249 --> 00:20:52,425
Who's love did you crave,
your mom's or your dad's?
522
00:20:52,468 --> 00:20:57,081
-To be clear, this is happening
notime soon.
523
00:20:57,125 --> 00:20:59,345
-I'm getting dad.
-He was a very complicated ma--
524
00:20:59,388 --> 00:21:02,609
No! For right now,
we are just two people
525
00:21:02,652 --> 00:21:04,175
who get to hate
526
00:21:04,219 --> 00:21:07,004
all of the un-lonely people
around us.
527
00:21:07,048 --> 00:21:09,268
-Yeah, like those two.
528
00:21:09,311 --> 00:21:10,834
Jerks.
529
00:21:10,878 --> 00:21:12,923
So annoying.
530
00:21:12,967 --> 00:21:15,752
Being all happy.
-Yuck.
531
00:21:15,796 --> 00:21:17,798
It made you feel bad
saying that, didn't it?
532
00:21:17,841 --> 00:21:19,626
-Yeah, but I want us to have
a thing.
533
00:21:19,669 --> 00:21:21,497
-Ah.
37453
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.