All language subtitles for Never.Have.I.Ever.S01E06.720p.WEB.x264-GHOSTS[1]

This is Ben Gross.

He's a 15-year-old boy
from Sherman Oaks, California,

and I am American actor,
producer, writer,

and fake rapper Andy Samberg.

What can I say? I wear a lot of hats.
Now, you may be asking yourself,

"Why is Andy Samberg narrating the story
of this particular boy?"

Well, honestly, his dad's my lawyer,
and I owe him a favor,

but Ben seems like a good kid,
so, happy to do it.

Fresh off a successful wine heist

where his greatest nemesis
became an unexpected ally,

Ben felt on top of the world,

or at least on top of Model UN

where in just a few hours,
the highly coveted golden gavel

would be safely tucked away
in his weird little briefcase.

Equatorial Guinea would like
to formally request permission

to nuke the United States.

Unfortunately, for Ben, however,

his new ally decided to go back
to being his old nemesis.

What the hell, Devi?

What?

Nothing. You're the one
who's looking at me.

Had Ben imagined
the nice conversation they had last night?

Had he said something weird
while he was drunk on grigio?

And to make matters worse,
it was a six-hour drive,

and Ben realized he left his AirPods
back in the hotel room.

Hello.

Looks like you could use a seat buddy.

Egg salad? I've got extra spoons.

No, thank you.

Hey, sweetie. No time to talk.

I'm going to a self-actualization retreat
in Santa Barbara.

Didn't you just do that?

No, I went to a mindfulness workshop
in Santa Clara.

Very different philosophies,
but equally important.

Okay, sure. Uh, have fun.

It's not fun, Ben, it's work...

on me...

so I can be a better mom to you.

Gotta run.

Oh! You know what? I almost forgot.

You had a big debate tournament.

Did you get an A?

Actually, it was Model U--

Yeah. Yeah, it was great.

Well, good work.

When I get back, let's celebrate
with a mother-son sound bath.

I love you.

Love you too.

Ben's mom and dad
had a very unique parenting style

in that they did none of it.

So, contrary to his loud,
brash school persona,

at home he was
just another quiet, lonely kid.

David S. Pumpkins
and his Beat Boy Skeletons. LOL.

Ooh!

Hey, can we please stop posting
lame upvote-thirsty memes

and get back to discussing
actual worthwhile Rick and Morty theories?

That's the problem
when subs get too big.

They become as unruly
as the Council of Ricks.

Hey, Dad. All the blogs are saying
that Kawhi's looking strong for tomorrow.

Fantastic. Sounds like
we're in for a hell of a game, buddy.

As friends go,
up through middle school,

Ben had two solid ride-or-dies.

There was Brian Lakestone, who got
dropped off at school on a motorcycle,

and Garret Von Kaenel,

who could burp the theme song
to Game of Thrones.

But both ended up
at different high schools,

so as soon as Ben started dating Shira,
her friends became his friends.

Unfortunately, her friends stunk.

It's also body shaming
when people say curvy is beautiful.

Because how's that supposed
to make us size zeros feel?

Yeah. I mean I even feel that way
as a double zero.

Hey, Shirs. Excited for the game tonight?

Oh, my God. Sweetie, I totally forgot.

I told Zoe I'd go with her
to a brow sculpting pop-up.

But you told me
you'd go to the Clippers game,

like, two months ago.

Do you have to get
your brow sculpted tonight?

Oh, my God. Did you not see my Snapchat?

It'll be good for my Insta.

Well, sitting courtside at an NBA game
is also pretty Gram-worthy, so...

Maybe if it were a Lakers game,

but my followers don't want to see
Billy Crystal eating nachos or whatever.

The Clippers have been better
than the Lakers for years.

Never mind.

Anybody else want Shira's ticket?

-No.
-No.

Awesome.

Oh!

Again? Dude.

Hey, guys. How's it going?

So, uh, listen,
you two are into sports, right?

Either of you wanna sit courtside
at the Clippers game tonight?

I have an extra ticket.

To go with you,
or to just, like, sit alone?

No. You'd go with me and my dad.

So, like, only one of us could go?
We couldn't both go?

Like I said, it's a single ticket.

But wouldn't that be weird?

'Cause, like,
we're not really friends with you.

Come on.
I mean I've known you since kindergarten.

Maybe if we'd all hung out before.
Worked up to the game.

I thought maybe this would be that bridge.

But... yeah, never mind. Forget about it.

That was weird, right?

Yeah, bro. He never talks to us.

Oh, but if you don't go,

we'll just take two of the tickets
and go with your dad.

-Why didn't I think of that?
-I know.

I was so proud when I thought of that idea
in this moment.

So, uh, how was your day?

Or the first half of it at least.

Babe?

-What-- What's happening?
-Just do it. It's cute.

Mmm.

Be smilier.

Oh, uh, okay.

Ew. You have a zit.

Do you want me to pop that for you?

I don't want that.

Mmm.

Okay, fine.

It's okay if I film it, right?

-Well, I--
-Smile.

-Ooh.
-Aah!

Unfortunately,
Shira had gotten a text mid pop

and had left Ben Gross's face
looking pretty gross.

Guess what, guys?
You're in luck.

Today we're doing a real live
chemistry experiment.

We're gonna be breaking good.

What is it, Eric?

Can I go to the nurse's office?

I think I drank some bad milk.

How do you know it was bad milk, Eric?

Well, when I smelled it, it smelled bad,

and then when I was drinking it,
it got way worse.

I could barely finish my second glass.

David, guess whose dad is taking them
to the Clippers game tonight?

Courtside seats.

You know, I have an extra ticket, but only
for someone who apologizes for nuking--

Stop talking to me.
Don't you get that I'm mad at you?

No. Okay, I don't get it.

What did I even do that was so terrible?

Let's see.

I don't know. Maybe you running your mouth
about me sleeping with Paxton.

Now he's pissed at me.

-What? Why would that make him pissed?
-It doesn't matter.

Just keep your nose out of my business

and up the teacher's butt
where it usually is.

Quiet please.
No one should be boiling over

except this beaker
of potassium permanganate.

Mrs. Paloma, that's gonna be me

if I can't go to the nurse's office.
Please!

Why wouldn't Devi
want everyone to know

she was hooking up with someone
out of her league?

Paxton Hall-Yoshida made every other dude
in school feel bad about himself.

He'd gotten pit hair in fourth grade!

Had Paxton said or done something
to hurt Devi?

And why did Ben even care?

You need something, bro?

What?

Why are you looking at me?

- Well-- I wasn't.
- Yeah, you were. You were staring at me.

It's okay. Happens to me a lot.

-What-- I wasn't stirring... staring.
-Then what were you doing?

Um...

Do you like the Clippers?

What?

Nothing.

Forget about it.

Yikes!

The usually slick-talking Ben Gross
was for real off his game.

But no worries,
the only game that mattered

was the one he was seeing
with his dad in a few hours,

and that was gonna be awesome.

Hey, buddy. I'm so sorry.
I don't think I'm gonna make it tonight.

This Kanye deal is really complicated.

You and Shannon should go
to the game without me.

In his dad's defense,
Kanye's deal was complicated.

He wanted to trademark the word "music."

But that didn't matter to Ben,

who was surprisingly sad for someone
who should have seen this coming.

That sucks. Can you reschedule?

Typical. And her name is Shira.

We will. Good luck with work.

-Hey, Patty.
-Oh! Yes, my sweet prince.

Oh! I just ironed your socks
for the big game.

Nice and warm.

Actually, I just realized
that I got a lot of homework to do,

so I don't think I'm gonna go to the game.

And on an unrelated note,

my dad also has too much work to do.

So I guess being a workaholic
runs in the family.

- Anyway, do you want the tickets?
- Why don't we go together?

I can bring a Ziploc bag
with frozen grapes in it, huh?

Nah. I gotta write a thing,

and, uh, do some, uh...
some-- some science and other stuff.

Then I will stay here with you.

Why don't we build a pillow fort,
and watch a scary movie like Shrek?

It's okay, Patty.

You should just go to the game.
Take your sons.

Oh.

You're a sweet boy.

I will place my body
in front of t-shirt cannon

to bring you home souvenir.

Thanks.

Do you think Billy Crystal will be there?

I better go put on makeup.

#eyebrows #selfcare

#thefutureisfemale

Billy Crystal sharing nachos
with his neighbor,

and she seems to be reciprocating

with a bag of frozen grapes
from her purse.

Wow. Even a city slicker can't resist
a healthy game-time treat.

I know her. That's my housekeeper.

When Billy met Patty.

Hey, aren't you
on the Rick and Morty subreddit?

You live in LA?

Born and raised. LOL.

LMAO. Same.

Yo, I'm hitting up North End Pizza
in Burbank to watch the game

if you want to come through.

I'm there, dude. Let's get schwifty.

Ben entered North End Pizza
excited at the prospect

of hanging with another
teenage comedy fan.

AreolaGrande007?

Areola. Hey.

It's me, TheRealPickleRick69...
from Reddit...

you know, the link aggregator.

Okay. That is not a teenager.

Uh... Hi.

Hey, man. It is so great to meet ya.

Oh, my name actually is Rick.

Sit down. Get your slice on.

Uh... Yeah, I'm gonna withhold my name
for a moment.

Really thought you were gonna be younger.
Your username has a 69 in it.

Oh, that's because I was born in 1969.

But I'm young at heart, fam.

I watch mad cartoons. Just like you.

Oh, I wonder what else we have in common.

Probably a lot.

I gotta be honest,
this setup feels sort of sketchy to me,

so I'm gonna go.

Look, I get it. I'm a 50-year-old
insurance adjuster from Tarzana.

But I'm also a Rick and Morty fan,

and I don't have anyone
to talk to about it.

I joked about getting a Mr. Meeseeks
for the office,

and my co-workers looked at me
like I was a total Jerry.

It'd just be nice to talk
to someone who gets me,

but I understand if you want to go.

Ben found himself
strangely moved.

I mean, who was he to judge this guy?

He was just as lonely,

and honestly, Rick and Morty themselves
have a huge age gap,

and look at the fun they have.

You know what? You're right.

I'm sorry if I was being rude.

We're just two fans eating pizza
and talking about cartoons.

-It's totally normal.
-I know, right?

Oh, careful, buddy. That pizza is hot.

You might want to blow on it first.

Slower.

Slower.

Yeah, that's it.

Yeah, that's not normal.

He doesn't want to just talk toons.
Get out of there!

-Yeah, I'm definitely gonna go.
-Oh, come on, man.

It's not weird unless you make it weird.

Let's go, Clippers.

Oof! Ooh!

Ben was a resilient kid.

Whenever he experienced a setback,
and last night was a real doozy,

he always bounced back
stronger than before.

Whoops! He pulled his drawer out.

Yeah, he's sad.

Whoa!

Oh! What the hell?

Oh, no. My bad.

I thought there was like a roach
on your face, man.

'Cause there's mad roaches in this school.

But it's just like a huge zit.

Yeah, it's cool.

You should get that looked at.

I heard that if a zit gets too big,

it can, like, leak into your brain
and kill you.

Yeah, sure. I'll do that.

All right.
I guess it's good that I slapped you

so I can give you this helpful info.

Sure. Thank you.

You're welcome.

Oh, wait.
That Clippers game was valid, brah.

It must've been tight to sit courtside.

Benjamin, so good to see you.

I heard we had an uninvited guest
on your chin.

Yeah, I don't normally get zits.

I guess this one's probably just
an ingrown hair from my beard.

No. It looks like a normal pimple.

I actually don't see much of a beard.

Well, I'm pretty good shaving.
So that's probably why.

Yes, I'm sure.

I am going to prepare
a cortisone shot for you.

You know, Benjamin,
I really have to thank you.

You keep my Devi on her toes.

Well, she keeps me on my toes too.

Every night at dinner, I have to hear
about this rivalry of yours.

"Ben Gross aced a math test.
Ben Gross aced a history test.

Prescribe me Adderall
so I can beat Ben Gross."

She's obsessed with me.

Wait. You guys have dinner together
every night?

Of course. We're family.

All that to say,

you're a very smart boy
with a very bright future.

Your parents must be so proud.

After a pretty bleak 24 hours,

this small platitude
was more than Ben could handle.

Here comes a little pinch.

There we go.

Dammit.

I knew we shouldn't have bought
generic numbing cream.

From now on, name brand only.

Are you okay, sweetie?

I'm fine. Uh...

I just... I haven't eaten dinner
with anyone in a long time.

Oh, you poor thing.

I'm fine. You know,
my life is totally awesome.

I don't even know why I cried.
Uh...

Oh, maybe I was allergic to the shot.

Or, uh... Or something.
Was there bee pollen in it?

There was not.

I like to put just one chili. Otherwise,
it kind of overpowers the taste.

Everybody, we have a very special guest
for dinner tonight.

Kamala, please lower
the spice level accordingly.

Oh, hell no.

As he stood
in his sworn enemy's kitchen

awaiting the pity dinner to come,

Ben's embarrassment
had reached a fever pitch.

How can you be so rude
to that boy?

Because he sucks.

It's bad enough
I have see him every day at school.

Now we're just letting him into our home?

So, Ben...

what are you hobbies and interests?

Oh, well, I really am into--

That young man is a human being,
and he's very sad.

Do you know he cried in my office today?

So many tears, I had to wipe down
the chair after he left.

That's not my problem!

We just had the vents cleaned.

It's crazy how well the sound carries.

He's going through a hard time
with his family and girlfriend,

and he had one of the nastiest pimples
I've ever seen in my career.

Oops! Dropped my pan.

I thought that would be loud for longer.

You complain you want
your friends to come over more.

- Ben Gross is not my friend.
- Why not?

He is nice, and smart,
and he could never buy drugs

because he looks like a narc.

Can't you be polite for just one evening?

At least she said "nice" and "smart."

Those are some of the best adjectives
there are.

She also called me a narc.

You should be proud of that.

The police won't work with just anyone.

Ben, it's so good to have you in my home,

a place I usually consider a safe haven
from my nemeses.

Devi, you promised you'd be polite.

I said it was good
to have him in our home.

If you want to stay
on the family cell phone plan,

you're going to have to be better behaved
than that.

Now, why don't you tell us
one thing you learned today at school.

Fine.

I learned that the tangent of theta

is equal to the sine of theta
divided by the cosine of theta. Happy?

Extremely.

Today I learned that if you forget
your wallet at the grocery store,

the cashier will pay
for your items personally,

and even give you his phone number
to make sure you get home okay.

Benjamin, I hear you were on
that last-minute Model UN trip to Davis.

Oh, it wasn't so last-minute for everyone.

Some of us spent months preparing
for that trip.

But Devi came in with no preparation
and still became the talk of the weekend.

Oh. Really? Why was that?

No reason.

If there had ever been
a perfect opportunity to nuke Devi back,

this was it.

Well, you know Devi.
She's a real firecracker.

Oh, no. What did she do?

Instead, he decided to stand down.

Nothing bad.

She just brought a lot of passion
to her role as Equatorial Guinea.

I mean, as a first timer, I don't think
anyone's ever made such a big impact.

She, uh, truly obliterated
the competition.

Mmm, Devi, sounds like
you are quite the little diplomat.

Good for you.

You know, when I was in school,
my only extracurricular activity

was bathing my senile grandmother.

She fought me every time.

- Really?
- What? No.

Ben couldn't remember
the last family dinner he'd had.

Probably May 2018, when his dad's flight

to the Billboard Music Awards
got canceled.

And even though this family dinner
featured humiliation, bickering, threats,

and food that was far too spicy,

it was still a family dinner.

And that was pretty cool.

Hey.

Um...

Thanks for not ratting me out
about Model UN.

I've kinda been a dick
to you lately, so...

I honestly would've deserved it.

Yeah, well, sometimes it's fun to make
other people's days as shitty as yours,

but today I didn't have it in me.

What happened to you?

And why did you cry at my mom's office?

Was it just about the giant herpe
on your face?

It wasn't a big deal.
I was... kinda feeling bummed.

Why? Did you butler quit?

Hey, I'm trying to be vulnerable here.
Also, we don't have butlers anymore.

-We call them house managers now.
-Okay, okay. Sorry.

Why are you feeling bummed?

I don't know.

I guess sometimes I feel like
I'm an NBA player, but...

no matter how many points I score,
my dad always ignores me,

and my girlfriend only likes me
for my money.

I wish your metaphor had been
something more in my wheelhouse,

like celebrity gossip
or YouTube promposals,

but I think I understand
what you're getting at.

Also, I'm sorry if I messed things up
for you and Paxton.

Oh, you didn't.

Well, maybe if I kept my mouth shut,
then you guys would've had a chance.

I never had sex with Paxton.

What?

I never had sex with Paxton.

I just let everyone believe that I did.

Oh! So he's mad at you for lying
about having sex with him.

That makes way more sense.

I mean, we got close to hooking up.

Well, as close as you can get
without kissing.

He took off his shirt, and I freaked out.

-I know. I'm a loser.
-Oh, you think you're a loser?

I was so lonely, I got catfished
by a middle-aged man yesterday.

Ben, you don't have to make up
something sadder to make me feel better.

For real.

He was a 50-year-old insurance adjuster
from Tarzana,

and he asked me to blow on some pizza.

-No.
-Yes. It was messed up.

Ben guarded his sadness
the same way I guard my Emmy award,

by burying it deep.

I put all of my awards
in an underground bunker

with my Garbage Pail Kids,

but letting it all hang out there
left Ben feeling a little lighter

and ready to face a new day.

Give me your mechanical pencil.

I need more photos of me looking smart.

Oh. Sure. Yeah.

So you never have to accept food
from a pedo again.

Although on the surface
it didn't seem like much had changed,

today was the least lonely Ben had felt
in a long time.

Anyways, that about does it for me.

On behalf of Ben, Devi,

and the whole gang
at Sherman Oaks High School,

I'm Andy Samberg.

McEnroe, back to you.