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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,084 --> 00:00:03,961 After 15 years as a journalist, 2 00:00:03,962 --> 00:00:04,962 I've learned it's important to grab the reader's attention 3 00:00:04,963 --> 00:00:06,464 with a catchy headline. 4 00:00:06,465 --> 00:00:09,967 Here's mine... "Local Woman, 37, Ruins Own Life." 5 00:00:09,968 --> 00:00:12,386 Five years ago, Nell Serrano threw away a promising career 6 00:00:12,387 --> 00:00:14,096 to move to London for a man. 7 00:00:14,097 --> 00:00:15,599 I'm sleeping! 8 00:00:16,433 --> 00:00:17,725 She went all-in on love. 9 00:00:17,726 --> 00:00:19,810 Until it drop-kicked her in the face. 10 00:00:19,811 --> 00:00:22,397 Now she's back, trying to stay hydrated. 11 00:00:23,315 --> 00:00:25,484 But hey, who needs a promising career... 12 00:00:26,818 --> 00:00:29,487 a fairy-tale wedding... 13 00:00:29,488 --> 00:00:30,821 or clean underwear... 14 00:00:30,822 --> 00:00:33,199 when you can wear bathing suit bottoms. 15 00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:35,326 Again. 16 00:00:35,327 --> 00:00:37,954 The good news is the weird roommate I met on Craigslist 17 00:00:37,955 --> 00:00:41,499 is extremely laid back and not passive aggressive at all. 18 00:00:41,500 --> 00:00:44,085 Oh, also, he makes me walk his dog. 19 00:00:44,086 --> 00:00:46,295 Unfortunately, he's a shy pooper. 20 00:00:46,296 --> 00:00:48,714 The dog, not the roommate. That's gross. 21 00:00:48,715 --> 00:00:50,508 And all this made me late for my first day 22 00:00:50,509 --> 00:00:51,842 back at my old job. 23 00:00:51,843 --> 00:00:53,678 But at least I got the last parking spot, 24 00:00:53,679 --> 00:00:56,055 so things are looking up. 25 00:00:56,056 --> 00:00:57,182 Oh. 26 00:00:59,977 --> 00:01:02,311 Oh. Sorry. 27 00:01:05,732 --> 00:01:07,316 Oh, my... 28 00:01:07,317 --> 00:01:09,194 I really gotta clean out this trunk. 29 00:01:10,237 --> 00:01:12,238 More on this ongoing disaster as it unfolds. 30 00:01:12,239 --> 00:01:15,033 - - Captions by VITAC... 31 00:01:29,131 --> 00:01:30,631 You are late. Oh. 32 00:01:30,632 --> 00:01:31,716 But I told everyone that your phone 33 00:01:31,717 --> 00:01:32,967 was still set on UK time 34 00:01:32,968 --> 00:01:34,260 and that you were donating blood. 35 00:01:34,261 --> 00:01:35,428 Okay? So, act kinda woozy. 36 00:01:35,429 --> 00:01:36,429 What if I act hungover? 37 00:01:36,430 --> 00:01:38,014 What if I am hungover? 38 00:01:38,015 --> 00:01:39,557 So, I got you a plant for your first day. 39 00:01:39,558 --> 00:01:41,225 Hey. At my old job? 40 00:01:41,226 --> 00:01:43,185 Yeah, and some pens for your birthday. 41 00:01:43,186 --> 00:01:44,021 Oh, 'cause I'm another year older? 42 00:01:44,022 --> 00:01:45,062 Sports section. 43 00:01:45,063 --> 00:01:46,314 Go long! 44 00:01:46,315 --> 00:01:47,690 No, because I love you, baby. 45 00:01:47,691 --> 00:01:49,483 Aw. No stealing, girls. 46 00:01:49,484 --> 00:01:50,860 You are not the boss of me. 47 00:01:50,861 --> 00:01:52,445 True, but I am the boss of you. 48 00:01:52,446 --> 00:01:54,488 Ooh. Is it weird? 49 00:01:54,489 --> 00:01:56,198 It's weird that either of you are bosses of anybody, really. 50 00:01:56,199 --> 00:01:57,700 Well, technically, she is the boss 51 00:01:57,701 --> 00:01:59,410 Oh! Of the lifestyle section, 52 00:01:59,411 --> 00:02:00,703 Sorry! So that doesn't really count. 53 00:02:00,704 --> 00:02:02,079 Ooh. Ooh. 54 00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:03,372 "I'm Mr. Metro. 55 00:02:03,373 --> 00:02:04,665 I have to edit a six-part series 56 00:02:04,666 --> 00:02:06,959 about the changes in the zoning bylaws." 57 00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:09,712 I'm sorry, don't you have a meeting to go to about... 58 00:02:09,713 --> 00:02:11,047 I want to say sandals. 59 00:02:11,048 --> 00:02:13,257 Look, bitch... 60 00:02:13,258 --> 00:02:15,551 Actually, I am late to a meeting about sandals. 61 00:02:15,552 --> 00:02:16,552 Oh. Ugh. 62 00:02:16,553 --> 00:02:18,471 Coffee later? Yep. 63 00:02:18,472 --> 00:02:20,222 So, what are you gonna put me on? 64 00:02:20,223 --> 00:02:21,223 City beat? 65 00:02:21,224 --> 00:02:22,224 Crime beat? 66 00:02:22,225 --> 00:02:23,851 The dead beat. 67 00:02:23,852 --> 00:02:25,686 Oh, my God, you're putting me on obituaries? 68 00:02:25,687 --> 00:02:26,854 Here's your new office. 69 00:02:26,855 --> 00:02:28,105 Ta-da. 70 00:02:28,106 --> 00:02:29,733 Ew. 71 00:02:30,567 --> 00:02:33,152 Yeah, I'm not gonna lie, this is a closet. 72 00:02:33,153 --> 00:02:35,279 That seems generous. 73 00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:37,114 Look, you gotta jump back in somewhere, Nell. 74 00:02:37,115 --> 00:02:38,157 Start here. 75 00:02:38,158 --> 00:02:39,700 Your first obit. 76 00:02:39,701 --> 00:02:41,535 Monty Waxberg. 77 00:02:41,536 --> 00:02:43,954 A musician you may know for his most famous jingle, 78 00:02:43,955 --> 00:02:45,289 the "Yummy Yum Bubble Gum" song. 79 00:02:45,290 --> 00:02:46,957 I hated that song as a kid. 80 00:02:46,958 --> 00:02:49,919 Don't judge a person by their jingle, Nell. 81 00:02:49,920 --> 00:02:52,880 Everyone has a story, and it's your job to find it. 82 00:02:52,881 --> 00:02:54,632 And don't touch that pipe. 83 00:02:54,633 --> 00:02:56,258 It'll strip your skin. 84 00:02:59,721 --> 00:03:01,722 This is on me. 85 00:03:01,723 --> 00:03:02,890 Just give me one sec. 86 00:03:02,891 --> 00:03:05,267 Oh, here, give me that. 87 00:03:05,268 --> 00:03:06,352 Oh! See? This is why I love you. 88 00:03:06,353 --> 00:03:07,561 Still know how to party. 89 00:03:07,562 --> 00:03:09,021 Byow-byow-byow-byow! 90 00:03:09,022 --> 00:03:10,731 No. Your airhorn's broken. 91 00:03:10,732 --> 00:03:12,526 That is because it is a breast pump. 92 00:03:14,277 --> 00:03:16,529 Do you remember when these boobs were for, like, flashing people? 93 00:03:16,530 --> 00:03:18,739 Now they are for feeding people. 94 00:03:18,740 --> 00:03:20,074 What happened to me? 95 00:03:20,075 --> 00:03:22,743 You became a badass working mom, 96 00:03:22,744 --> 00:03:25,329 who made two of my favorite little humans. 97 00:03:25,330 --> 00:03:27,039 Yeah, I should warn you, 98 00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:28,874 Tilly still likes to wear her flower girl dress 99 00:03:28,875 --> 00:03:30,793 to school every day, in case that's a trigger. 100 00:03:30,794 --> 00:03:32,420 Way to punch down, Tilly. 101 00:03:32,421 --> 00:03:35,131 So, when you are ready to talk about Phillip, 102 00:03:35,132 --> 00:03:37,550 I have a bunch of nasty things I have written in my journal 103 00:03:37,551 --> 00:03:39,552 that I am so excited to share with you. 104 00:03:39,553 --> 00:03:41,011 Eh, I don't want to do that. 105 00:03:41,012 --> 00:03:42,471 You know what I want to do for my birthday? 106 00:03:42,472 --> 00:03:44,682 I just want to throw down like we used to 107 00:03:44,683 --> 00:03:47,059 and pretend it's not gonna take me three days to recover. 108 00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:49,603 Okay? Okay! 109 00:03:49,604 --> 00:03:51,272 Oh, God. Oh, no. Hide me. 110 00:03:51,273 --> 00:03:52,857 Oh. Unh-uh. Nope. Hide me. What? 111 00:03:52,858 --> 00:03:54,984 Oh, hide me. What? Why? Where? What? Who? 112 00:03:54,985 --> 00:03:56,361 It's Scotch Tape. 113 00:03:57,612 --> 00:03:59,196 Oh. 114 00:03:59,197 --> 00:04:01,240 Yeah, Nell, you can't call her that anymore, okay? 115 00:04:01,241 --> 00:04:05,286 Lexi is your boss now, and as crazy as it sounds, 116 00:04:05,287 --> 00:04:07,913 we have actually become... I will smack your face. 117 00:04:07,914 --> 00:04:09,331 Work friends. What? 118 00:04:09,332 --> 00:04:10,416 We hate her! 119 00:04:10,417 --> 00:04:11,709 I know. I'm so sorry. 120 00:04:11,710 --> 00:04:13,210 The only reason why she has this job 121 00:04:13,211 --> 00:04:14,004 is because her dad owns the newspaper. 122 00:04:14,005 --> 00:04:15,421 And half of Pasadena. 123 00:04:15,422 --> 00:04:17,256 Yeah, I know. She's a little rich and weird, 124 00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:19,467 and she thinks that Old Navy is a branch of the military, 125 00:04:19,468 --> 00:04:21,510 but when you are a working mom, 126 00:04:21,511 --> 00:04:23,179 it is hard to meet other working moms. 127 00:04:23,180 --> 00:04:24,388 What? No. 128 00:04:24,389 --> 00:04:26,307 What about Tina from Metro? 129 00:04:26,308 --> 00:04:27,683 She used to always talk about her kids. 130 00:04:27,684 --> 00:04:29,144 It was sweet. 131 00:04:30,187 --> 00:04:32,271 They were dolls. 132 00:04:32,272 --> 00:04:33,899 Everyone's really worried about Tina. 133 00:04:36,651 --> 00:04:39,070 Hi. Hi, Tina. 134 00:04:40,614 --> 00:04:42,281 What's this? 135 00:04:42,282 --> 00:04:44,117 You shouldn't have. 136 00:04:46,495 --> 00:04:48,537 Mmm. 137 00:04:48,538 --> 00:04:50,707 Let's hope there's no cherries in this one. 138 00:04:52,292 --> 00:04:53,584 It's caramel. 139 00:04:53,585 --> 00:04:55,002 Mmm. 140 00:04:55,003 --> 00:04:57,004 Did you go to Stanford? 141 00:04:57,005 --> 00:04:58,297 Yeah. 142 00:04:58,298 --> 00:04:59,298 Why are you eating the chocolates 143 00:04:59,299 --> 00:05:00,299 I got for my girlfriend? 144 00:05:01,510 --> 00:05:02,885 Because it's my birthday 145 00:05:02,886 --> 00:05:03,637 and I thought you got them for me. 146 00:05:03,638 --> 00:05:05,013 No. 147 00:05:06,473 --> 00:05:08,098 Gross. 148 00:05:08,099 --> 00:05:09,600 I'm going to San Diego, without chocolates, 149 00:05:09,601 --> 00:05:11,018 to visit my girlfriend. 150 00:05:11,019 --> 00:05:12,603 So, please remember to walk Arthur 151 00:05:12,604 --> 00:05:14,438 and use compostable poop bags 152 00:05:14,439 --> 00:05:16,357 instead of telling the dog just to hold it. 153 00:05:16,358 --> 00:05:17,900 And if you raise the heat above 68, 154 00:05:17,901 --> 00:05:18,735 the Nest will alert me. 155 00:05:18,736 --> 00:05:20,278 Aye-aye, Captain. 156 00:05:25,492 --> 00:05:27,409 Do you have any plans for your birthday? 157 00:05:27,410 --> 00:05:28,744 Oh, yeah. 158 00:05:28,745 --> 00:05:30,621 I'm gonna throw a massive rager, 159 00:05:30,622 --> 00:05:31,831 and I'm thinking of getting a couple of kegs 160 00:05:31,832 --> 00:05:33,457 and maybe even a reggae band, 161 00:05:33,458 --> 00:05:34,917 and I'm gonna do it right over there by your Peloton. 162 00:05:34,918 --> 00:05:35,960 No! You can't do it here. 163 00:05:35,961 --> 00:05:37,545 We have an agreement. 164 00:05:37,546 --> 00:05:38,838 Your lease specifically states that any guests 165 00:05:38,839 --> 00:05:41,382 need to be pre-authorized... 166 00:05:41,383 --> 00:05:43,217 You're joking? Obviously, dude. 167 00:05:43,218 --> 00:05:44,760 What, do you have like Asperger's or something? 168 00:05:44,761 --> 00:05:46,637 I do. 169 00:05:46,638 --> 00:05:48,222 You do? 170 00:05:48,223 --> 00:05:49,682 Oh, my God, I am so sorry I said that. 171 00:05:49,683 --> 00:05:50,933 I don't. 172 00:05:50,934 --> 00:05:52,393 You thought I had Asperger's? 173 00:05:52,394 --> 00:05:54,144 I mean, kind of. 174 00:05:54,145 --> 00:05:55,145 I do. 175 00:05:57,232 --> 00:05:58,482 All right, have a good weekend. 176 00:06:05,407 --> 00:06:06,575 Ah, thank you. 177 00:06:08,493 --> 00:06:11,078 Wow. $14 bucks for a cocktail. 178 00:06:11,079 --> 00:06:12,830 You know, back in the day, 179 00:06:12,831 --> 00:06:14,790 we used to make LSD in the bathtub 180 00:06:14,791 --> 00:06:17,459 and give it away for free! 181 00:06:17,460 --> 00:06:19,628 Ah, damn, I miss the '90s. 182 00:06:19,629 --> 00:06:21,255 Mm. Mm. 183 00:06:21,256 --> 00:06:23,550 How come your nose is buried in your phone? 184 00:06:25,051 --> 00:06:27,303 Ah, honestly? 185 00:06:27,304 --> 00:06:30,347 I was wondering if my ex-fiance was gonna bother 186 00:06:30,348 --> 00:06:31,557 to wish me a happy birthday, 187 00:06:31,558 --> 00:06:33,309 but so far, he hasn't, so... 188 00:06:33,310 --> 00:06:34,643 You know the best way to get over someone? 189 00:06:34,644 --> 00:06:35,811 Hmm? 190 00:06:35,812 --> 00:06:37,105 Get under someone else. 191 00:06:38,440 --> 00:06:39,648 Awesome. Thank you for your wisdom. 192 00:06:40,775 --> 00:06:42,568 Hey! 193 00:06:42,569 --> 00:06:45,362 There she is! My birthday girl! Hi! 194 00:06:45,363 --> 00:06:47,489 Yes! 195 00:06:47,490 --> 00:06:48,908 Okay, I know you said no presents, 196 00:06:48,909 --> 00:06:49,909 but we stopped by the gas station 197 00:06:49,910 --> 00:06:50,910 and got you a little something. 198 00:06:50,911 --> 00:06:52,829 Aw, you guys. 199 00:06:53,997 --> 00:06:55,497 Condoms and scratchers? 200 00:06:55,498 --> 00:06:58,417 'Cause you finna get lucky this year! Hey! 201 00:06:58,418 --> 00:06:59,793 And we're gonna have a great time tonight 202 00:06:59,794 --> 00:07:01,629 no matter who else shows up. 203 00:07:01,630 --> 00:07:03,172 So... 204 00:07:03,173 --> 00:07:04,381 Who else is coming? 205 00:07:04,382 --> 00:07:05,549 Hi, squirrel friend. 206 00:07:05,550 --> 00:07:07,552 Sorry I'm late. 207 00:07:08,803 --> 00:07:11,930 Well, I hope it's not too weird that I crashed your birthday. 208 00:07:11,931 --> 00:07:13,098 No. Not at all. 209 00:07:13,099 --> 00:07:14,933 We're co-workers. 210 00:07:14,934 --> 00:07:17,311 Well, not exactly "co". 211 00:07:17,312 --> 00:07:20,189 Kidding. 212 00:07:20,190 --> 00:07:21,690 Although technically, that is accurate. 213 00:07:21,691 --> 00:07:22,442 I mean, I am your boss. 214 00:07:22,443 --> 00:07:24,401 Right. 215 00:07:24,402 --> 00:07:25,944 But I just want you to know that I'm going to strive 216 00:07:25,945 --> 00:07:28,614 to be a different kind of boss than my father was. 217 00:07:28,615 --> 00:07:31,742 I mean, he was just so aloof and out of touch, 218 00:07:31,743 --> 00:07:33,786 and if I learned anything after I broke my back 219 00:07:33,787 --> 00:07:35,371 during the Olympic Dressage trials, 220 00:07:35,372 --> 00:07:39,667 it's that you are only as strong as the horse you're riding. 221 00:07:39,668 --> 00:07:41,293 Mm. Mm. 222 00:07:41,294 --> 00:07:44,421 And you... you are my horse. 223 00:07:44,422 --> 00:07:45,839 Hey, Lexi? 224 00:07:45,840 --> 00:07:47,841 Am I being weird and entitled again? 225 00:07:47,842 --> 00:07:49,635 Yeah, when you referred to us as your horse. 226 00:07:49,636 --> 00:07:50,678 See? This is why I need you. 227 00:07:52,055 --> 00:07:53,263 Oh, my gosh, that reminds me. 228 00:07:53,264 --> 00:07:54,890 One weekend during quarantine 229 00:07:54,891 --> 00:07:56,392 when our families podded together... 230 00:07:56,393 --> 00:07:57,434 Oh. 231 00:07:57,435 --> 00:07:58,727 You guys podded together? 232 00:07:58,728 --> 00:07:59,853 Yeah. We did. 233 00:07:59,854 --> 00:08:02,648 And it was such fun. Oh! 234 00:08:02,649 --> 00:08:04,858 I know a lot of people say they didn't enjoy the pandemic, 235 00:08:04,859 --> 00:08:06,777 but I really thrived. 236 00:08:06,778 --> 00:08:10,364 Anyway, one night, Sam and I got into le sauvignon blanc, 237 00:08:10,365 --> 00:08:13,325 and she got really honest with me 238 00:08:13,326 --> 00:08:15,828 about how I can come off to people, 239 00:08:15,829 --> 00:08:19,206 and I'm just very grateful to have a friend 240 00:08:19,207 --> 00:08:20,624 like you in my life. 241 00:08:20,625 --> 00:08:22,668 I got you. 242 00:08:24,587 --> 00:08:27,256 ♪ Ooh-hoo ♪ 243 00:08:27,257 --> 00:08:28,924 ♪ Nobody knows it ♪ 244 00:08:28,925 --> 00:08:30,300 ♪ Nobody knows ♪ 245 00:08:30,301 --> 00:08:32,177 You're okay with her being here, right? 246 00:08:32,178 --> 00:08:33,178 Totally. 247 00:08:33,179 --> 00:08:34,805 Yeah. Yeah. 248 00:08:34,806 --> 00:08:35,973 I guess just didn't realize you guys were, like, 249 00:08:35,974 --> 00:08:37,641 friends-friends. I know. 250 00:08:37,642 --> 00:08:39,184 But it's fine. 251 00:08:39,185 --> 00:08:40,103 You just owe me a do-over, yeah? 252 00:08:40,104 --> 00:08:41,812 You got it. Yes! 253 00:08:41,813 --> 00:08:43,522 Yes. Okay, so I got us two tickets to The Underground 254 00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:44,523 this Saturday night. 255 00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:46,358 It's '80s Prom Night. 256 00:08:46,359 --> 00:08:47,484 I thought I'd wear my wedding dress, 257 00:08:47,485 --> 00:08:49,445 you'd wear your maid-of-honors dress. 258 00:08:49,446 --> 00:08:50,612 Might as well get some use out of it. 259 00:08:50,613 --> 00:08:51,905 I would love to do it. 260 00:08:51,906 --> 00:08:53,365 It's just that Saturday night, 261 00:08:53,366 --> 00:08:56,535 um, I have some plans... 262 00:08:56,536 --> 00:08:57,578 You have plans with Lexi. 263 00:08:57,579 --> 00:08:58,371 Yeah. I do. 264 00:08:58,372 --> 00:08:59,830 I do. 265 00:08:59,831 --> 00:09:03,417 ♪ Don't go breaking my heart ♪ 266 00:09:03,418 --> 00:09:04,626 We almost got it. 267 00:09:04,627 --> 00:09:05,795 It was almost there. 268 00:09:07,881 --> 00:09:10,257 Whoo! Whoo! 269 00:09:10,258 --> 00:09:11,978 Let's give it up for Dennis and Scotch Tape! 270 00:09:12,677 --> 00:09:14,053 Scotch Tape? Oh, yeah. 271 00:09:14,054 --> 00:09:15,554 It's just a nickname we gave you, you know. 272 00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:17,556 Just some little inside joke between old friends. 273 00:09:17,557 --> 00:09:18,682 Now, now, slow down. 274 00:09:18,683 --> 00:09:20,059 What? Come on. Nell. 275 00:09:20,060 --> 00:09:21,019 Scotch Tape. Because you're stuck up. 276 00:09:21,020 --> 00:09:22,394 Get it? 277 00:09:22,395 --> 00:09:24,146 We also thought you were Scottish. 278 00:09:24,147 --> 00:09:25,856 You screamed one day, and it sounded like "Braveheart". 279 00:09:25,857 --> 00:09:26,982 I was like, "Scottish". 280 00:09:28,193 --> 00:09:29,193 Come on. 281 00:09:29,194 --> 00:09:31,278 You think it's funny, right? 282 00:09:31,279 --> 00:09:33,363 I'm not the only one! 283 00:09:33,364 --> 00:09:34,490 Yeah, totally. 284 00:09:34,491 --> 00:09:36,075 I'm just gonna get my bag. 285 00:09:36,076 --> 00:09:37,493 All right. 286 00:09:37,494 --> 00:09:38,827 Another round of drinks! 287 00:09:53,051 --> 00:09:54,468 "If you're reading this, 288 00:09:54,469 --> 00:09:57,221 then the fridge has been open too long." 289 00:09:57,222 --> 00:09:59,765 Oh, my God. 290 00:09:59,766 --> 00:10:01,642 How did I end up here? 291 00:10:01,643 --> 00:10:03,227 Well, it's true. 292 00:10:03,228 --> 00:10:05,104 Ah! Ah! 293 00:10:05,105 --> 00:10:07,105 You never really know where life is gonna take you. 294 00:10:07,899 --> 00:10:09,149 Don't you come any closer. I will kill you. 295 00:10:09,150 --> 00:10:10,192 Don't bother. 296 00:10:10,193 --> 00:10:11,903 I'm already dead. 297 00:10:16,157 --> 00:10:17,991 Are you here to kill me? 298 00:10:17,992 --> 00:10:19,159 Please don't do that. Please, please don't do that. 299 00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:20,702 No, I am not here to kill you. 300 00:10:20,703 --> 00:10:23,080 My name is Monty Waxberg. 301 00:10:23,081 --> 00:10:25,249 ♪ Yummy yum bubble gum ♪ 302 00:10:25,250 --> 00:10:26,292 ♪ Juicy, juicy fun ♪ 303 00:10:29,963 --> 00:10:31,714 Ta-da. C'est moi. 304 00:10:32,966 --> 00:10:34,091 Nope. Nuh-uh. 305 00:10:34,092 --> 00:10:35,467 No. I do not see dead people. 306 00:10:35,468 --> 00:10:36,593 No, no, no, no. 307 00:10:36,594 --> 00:10:37,845 This has just got to be the chili cheese fries 308 00:10:37,846 --> 00:10:39,179 and the cake and the five cocktails 309 00:10:39,180 --> 00:10:40,180 and maybe the half gummy I ate. 310 00:10:40,181 --> 00:10:41,765 Go easy there, Keith Richards. 311 00:10:41,766 --> 00:10:44,184 You cannot comment because you are not real. 312 00:10:44,185 --> 00:10:46,103 So, I... I'm just gonna... 313 00:10:46,104 --> 00:10:47,813 I'm gonna go to my room, and I'm gonna lock the door, 314 00:10:47,814 --> 00:10:49,898 and I'm gonna put a bunch of heavy boxes in front of it. 315 00:10:49,899 --> 00:10:51,400 You know, not because I think that you're real, 316 00:10:51,401 --> 00:10:54,027 but just because, uh... Um, I need the cardio. 317 00:10:54,028 --> 00:10:54,821 And when I wake up in the morning, 318 00:10:54,822 --> 00:10:56,071 you are gonna be gone! 319 00:10:56,072 --> 00:10:57,490 Goodnight! 320 00:11:07,792 --> 00:11:09,543 Mornin'! Ah! 321 00:11:13,339 --> 00:11:14,464 Stay back. 322 00:11:14,465 --> 00:11:15,799 How did you get past the boxes? 323 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:16,967 I have no idea. 324 00:11:16,968 --> 00:11:18,385 I've never been dead before. 325 00:11:18,386 --> 00:11:21,638 Also, I haven't had to pee since I died, 326 00:11:21,639 --> 00:11:23,348 which frees up a lot of time. 327 00:11:24,475 --> 00:11:25,685 Company. Come in. 328 00:11:27,020 --> 00:11:28,562 Are you okay? 329 00:11:28,563 --> 00:11:30,123 I just got home, and I heard you scream. 330 00:11:31,608 --> 00:11:32,608 No. 331 00:11:34,861 --> 00:11:36,236 Yeah, I'm okay. Good. 332 00:11:36,237 --> 00:11:37,696 Will you clean the living room, please? 333 00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:40,699 Because it's filled with condoms. Duh. Yeah. 334 00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:42,284 What do you think I got this is for? 335 00:11:42,285 --> 00:11:43,703 Okay, nice. 336 00:11:44,746 --> 00:11:46,413 Fun fact... 337 00:11:46,414 --> 00:11:47,664 You're the only one that can see me. 338 00:11:47,665 --> 00:11:49,833 No! Yep. 339 00:11:49,834 --> 00:11:50,959 No, no! No! 340 00:11:52,128 --> 00:11:53,921 This... What is happening? 341 00:11:53,922 --> 00:11:55,214 This is not happening. 342 00:11:55,215 --> 00:11:56,215 Oh, my God. 343 00:11:56,216 --> 00:11:57,883 I know I've been sad lately, 344 00:11:57,884 --> 00:11:59,760 and maybe even a little depressed, you know? 345 00:11:59,761 --> 00:12:01,345 And I haven't really been taking good care of myself. 346 00:12:01,346 --> 00:12:03,347 Maybe I just need to do more exercise. 347 00:12:03,348 --> 00:12:05,807 Oh, okay. Why don't we go for a bike ride? 348 00:12:05,808 --> 00:12:07,017 No, thank you. 349 00:12:07,018 --> 00:12:08,352 I need some air. 350 00:12:11,439 --> 00:12:13,357 Hey, Siri, text Sam. 351 00:12:13,358 --> 00:12:15,275 "Sorry I got over-served last night. 352 00:12:15,276 --> 00:12:17,111 Can, uh, we grab a cup of coffee later?" 353 00:12:18,363 --> 00:12:19,738 You don't want to eat here. 354 00:12:19,739 --> 00:12:22,241 Two words... Cock. Roaches. 355 00:12:22,242 --> 00:12:23,242 No! 356 00:12:26,996 --> 00:12:28,580 Go. Go, go, go, go, go, go! 357 00:12:28,581 --> 00:12:29,998 Nell! Get out of the car! 358 00:12:29,999 --> 00:12:31,333 This is the guy that killed me! 359 00:12:31,334 --> 00:12:33,043 What? Just kidding. 360 00:12:33,044 --> 00:12:34,628 It was prostate cancer. 361 00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:40,134 Stop following me! 362 00:12:41,135 --> 00:12:42,469 Oh, God. Enough. 363 00:12:42,470 --> 00:12:43,512 What do I have to do to get you to leave? 364 00:12:43,513 --> 00:12:44,888 I don't know. 365 00:12:44,889 --> 00:12:46,682 I have no idea why I'm here. 366 00:12:46,683 --> 00:12:48,141 No rules, no instructions. 367 00:12:48,142 --> 00:12:49,476 It's very poorly run. 368 00:12:49,477 --> 00:12:51,186 Okay, I've seen the movies. 369 00:12:51,187 --> 00:12:52,771 There's gotta be some magic words that I can say 370 00:12:52,772 --> 00:12:54,147 to get you to move on. 371 00:12:54,148 --> 00:12:55,649 Ooh, like, um... 372 00:12:55,650 --> 00:12:57,317 "I absolve you of your messed-up life." 373 00:12:57,318 --> 00:12:59,320 "Go to the light, Carol Anne!" 374 00:13:00,613 --> 00:13:03,907 My messed up life? Yes. Your messed up life. 375 00:13:03,908 --> 00:13:05,659 I don't know if you remember, but I've been writing about you, 376 00:13:05,660 --> 00:13:07,661 and you're a dead, twice-divorced, wannabe musician 377 00:13:07,662 --> 00:13:09,830 who wrote one jingle that made me hate bubble gum. 378 00:13:09,831 --> 00:13:11,415 Uh-huh. And what about you? 379 00:13:11,416 --> 00:13:12,874 I've been around you for about 24 hours, 380 00:13:12,875 --> 00:13:14,501 and I can tell, you're no prize. 381 00:13:14,502 --> 00:13:16,003 You drink too much, 382 00:13:16,004 --> 00:13:17,504 you're jealous of other people's happiness, 383 00:13:17,505 --> 00:13:19,631 and you literally just run away 384 00:13:19,632 --> 00:13:21,009 from any difficulty in your life. 385 00:13:23,344 --> 00:13:25,012 I'm not doing this. 386 00:13:25,013 --> 00:13:26,596 I'm not getting psychoanalyzed by some dead person. 387 00:13:26,597 --> 00:13:28,766 See? You're running away. 388 00:13:30,727 --> 00:13:32,436 I am n... No. 389 00:13:32,437 --> 00:13:33,895 No. Ah. 390 00:13:33,896 --> 00:13:34,896 Great. Thank you. 391 00:13:34,897 --> 00:13:36,398 I just missed Sam's call. 392 00:13:37,567 --> 00:13:39,151 Hey, I got your text. 393 00:13:39,152 --> 00:13:41,069 Last night got a little out of hand. 394 00:13:41,070 --> 00:13:43,488 I mean, I know it was funny how we used to not like Lexi, 395 00:13:43,489 --> 00:13:46,616 but she's been a great friend to me while you've been gone. 396 00:13:46,617 --> 00:13:48,410 She is also the boss, so if I were you, 397 00:13:48,411 --> 00:13:50,662 I would think about apologizing. 398 00:13:50,663 --> 00:13:53,248 Anyway, I guess we'll talk later. 399 00:13:53,249 --> 00:13:55,792 So, what are you gonna do now? 400 00:14:01,716 --> 00:14:04,301 What...? 401 00:14:04,302 --> 00:14:08,555 Well, this is, um, quite the office, Lexi. 402 00:14:08,556 --> 00:14:09,556 Whoa. 403 00:14:09,557 --> 00:14:11,475 Ah. 404 00:14:11,476 --> 00:14:13,518 Yes, that's the horse that bucked me... Todd. 405 00:14:13,519 --> 00:14:15,103 I keep it as a reminder of my failures. 406 00:14:15,104 --> 00:14:16,146 Wow. 407 00:14:16,147 --> 00:14:17,522 So, what can I do for you? 408 00:14:17,523 --> 00:14:20,817 I wanted to drop off some apology donuts. 409 00:14:20,818 --> 00:14:22,486 Last night, I wasn't at my best, 410 00:14:22,487 --> 00:14:24,321 and I wanted to say I'm sorry, 411 00:14:24,322 --> 00:14:26,282 and I promise to be more professional from now on. 412 00:14:27,909 --> 00:14:28,909 Did you steal these from the break room? 413 00:14:28,910 --> 00:14:30,327 No. Why? 414 00:14:30,328 --> 00:14:31,661 Several have bites taken out of them, 415 00:14:31,662 --> 00:14:34,331 and it says "break room" on the box. 416 00:14:34,332 --> 00:14:35,457 Then, yes, I did. 417 00:14:35,458 --> 00:14:36,458 Okay. Uh, sorry. 418 00:14:36,459 --> 00:14:38,460 Bye. 419 00:14:38,461 --> 00:14:41,046 That was a pretty half-assed apology. 420 00:14:41,047 --> 00:14:42,506 I mean, obviously, you have something 421 00:14:42,507 --> 00:14:43,673 you'd like to say to me. 422 00:14:43,674 --> 00:14:45,801 So, be a reporter. 423 00:14:45,802 --> 00:14:47,052 Give me the full story. 424 00:14:47,053 --> 00:14:49,012 I don't think that's a good idea. 425 00:14:49,013 --> 00:14:50,722 I have an idea. 426 00:14:50,723 --> 00:14:53,350 Let's take 30 seconds and tell the other person 427 00:14:53,351 --> 00:14:56,311 exactly what we think of them with no repercussions. 428 00:14:56,312 --> 00:14:58,146 Huh? I'll go first. 429 00:14:58,147 --> 00:15:00,232 I think you are a sloppy drunk. 430 00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:01,733 Oh, wow. 431 00:15:01,734 --> 00:15:02,818 You're just gonna go right in there. 432 00:15:02,819 --> 00:15:04,861 Well, I think your relationship 433 00:15:04,862 --> 00:15:06,404 with your horse is inappropriate. 434 00:15:06,405 --> 00:15:08,532 I think that shirt looks like it was bought from Wet Seal. 435 00:15:08,533 --> 00:15:10,117 I took the bites out of those donuts. 436 00:15:10,118 --> 00:15:11,827 You still work in newspapers. 437 00:15:11,828 --> 00:15:14,788 You work in newspapers. 438 00:15:14,789 --> 00:15:16,039 I knew you didn't want me at your birthday party, 439 00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:17,541 but I invited myself anyway. 440 00:15:17,542 --> 00:15:19,919 I don't think you're good enough to be friends with Sam. 441 00:15:23,548 --> 00:15:25,924 When Dennis asked me to hire you, I said no. 442 00:15:25,925 --> 00:15:28,093 You gave up a promising career to chase after some guy, 443 00:15:28,094 --> 00:15:29,302 and when it doesn't work out, 444 00:15:29,303 --> 00:15:31,304 I'm supposed to pick up the pieces? 445 00:15:31,305 --> 00:15:33,473 I only changed my mind when Sam told me you were in a sad spot 446 00:15:33,474 --> 00:15:34,975 and really needed to catch a break. 447 00:15:34,976 --> 00:15:37,644 I hired you for her. 448 00:15:37,645 --> 00:15:39,312 But I am your boss, and if you don't perform, 449 00:15:39,313 --> 00:15:40,480 you will be the first to go, 450 00:15:40,481 --> 00:15:42,201 and it won't matter who you're friends with. 451 00:15:44,277 --> 00:15:46,154 Okay, good to know. 452 00:15:47,905 --> 00:15:49,865 I really don't think that's a fun game, by the way. 453 00:15:49,866 --> 00:15:52,106 Oh, it's a lot better if you're playing with your family. 454 00:15:58,875 --> 00:16:00,625 Are you here? Yep. 455 00:16:00,626 --> 00:16:03,461 Oh. I keep closing my eyes and hoping when I open them, 456 00:16:03,462 --> 00:16:04,714 I'll be in Madrid. 457 00:16:06,382 --> 00:16:08,592 Oh, no. What's with the face? 458 00:16:09,802 --> 00:16:11,178 For some dumb reason, 459 00:16:11,179 --> 00:16:13,471 I thought that I would just 460 00:16:13,472 --> 00:16:15,974 come back home and pick back up where I left off, 461 00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:19,352 but... everything's changed 462 00:16:19,353 --> 00:16:22,022 and I feel really disconnected from everyone. 463 00:16:23,900 --> 00:16:25,817 So, what do we do then? 464 00:16:25,818 --> 00:16:27,861 Just sit here and feel sorry for you 465 00:16:27,862 --> 00:16:29,070 for the rest of eternity? 466 00:16:29,071 --> 00:16:30,071 Hmm? 467 00:16:30,072 --> 00:16:31,489 Am I in Hell? 468 00:16:31,490 --> 00:16:33,909 If you're with me, probably. Oh, my God. 469 00:16:33,910 --> 00:16:36,494 You know, I can't listen to any more of your whining. 470 00:16:36,495 --> 00:16:37,954 I'm either gonna smother you with that pillow 471 00:16:37,955 --> 00:16:39,080 or we're going out. 472 00:16:39,081 --> 00:16:40,582 Smother me. 473 00:16:51,510 --> 00:16:53,845 This is so dumb. 474 00:16:53,846 --> 00:16:55,472 What are we doing here? 475 00:16:55,473 --> 00:16:56,890 I mean, are we gonna split a bruschetta? 476 00:16:58,267 --> 00:17:00,018 You know, you don't need those things. 477 00:17:00,019 --> 00:17:02,979 I feel like everyone is staring at me, 478 00:17:02,980 --> 00:17:04,940 wondering what's wrong with me 479 00:17:04,941 --> 00:17:08,026 and why I'm all alone in such a beautiful place. 480 00:17:08,027 --> 00:17:09,819 Let me tell you something. 481 00:17:09,820 --> 00:17:12,530 I was prodigy on the piano. 482 00:17:12,531 --> 00:17:15,242 I moved to California in the Summer of Love, 483 00:17:15,243 --> 00:17:18,328 and I was gonna make incredible music. 484 00:17:18,329 --> 00:17:19,955 And I ended up writing... 485 00:17:21,415 --> 00:17:23,084 I know. It's embarrassing. 486 00:17:24,627 --> 00:17:26,003 Because I wanted so much more. 487 00:17:27,505 --> 00:17:29,256 So, I got angry, 488 00:17:29,257 --> 00:17:31,633 and I pushed people away. 489 00:17:31,634 --> 00:17:34,219 And eventually, I climbed out of my own ass 490 00:17:34,220 --> 00:17:37,806 and realized that there were people all around me 491 00:17:37,807 --> 00:17:39,224 living their lives... 492 00:17:40,726 --> 00:17:43,728 not caring about what life should be, 493 00:17:43,729 --> 00:17:46,273 but about what it is. 494 00:17:46,274 --> 00:17:48,568 And when I got that, everything changed. 495 00:17:50,278 --> 00:17:52,195 I mean, look at that woman over there. 496 00:17:52,196 --> 00:17:53,905 She's not self-conscious. 497 00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:56,700 Just enjoying life as it's happening right now. 498 00:17:56,701 --> 00:17:58,660 You don't have to do this. Do what? 499 00:17:58,661 --> 00:18:00,287 Ghost-of-Christmas-Future me into thinking 500 00:18:00,288 --> 00:18:01,955 that if I don't change my ways, 501 00:18:01,956 --> 00:18:04,040 I'm gonna end up alone and all dressed up, 502 00:18:04,041 --> 00:18:05,792 wearing some ugly turquoise necklace. 503 00:18:05,793 --> 00:18:08,545 Or maybe you wear it because your husband 504 00:18:08,546 --> 00:18:11,339 bought it for you in Spain for your anniversary. 505 00:18:15,720 --> 00:18:17,137 Is that your wife? 506 00:18:17,138 --> 00:18:18,388 Yes, it is. 507 00:18:18,389 --> 00:18:19,931 Oh, my God. 508 00:18:23,561 --> 00:18:25,145 I'm so sorry. 509 00:18:25,146 --> 00:18:27,731 I ju... I-I just can't seem to get out of my own way. 510 00:18:27,732 --> 00:18:28,773 I'm a mess. 511 00:18:28,774 --> 00:18:30,150 Yeah, you are. Thanks. 512 00:18:30,151 --> 00:18:32,110 You know why it's okay? Hmm? 513 00:18:32,111 --> 00:18:34,780 'Cause so was I before I met Cricket. 514 00:18:36,824 --> 00:18:40,327 God, I wish I could tell her once more how beautiful she is. 515 00:18:49,712 --> 00:18:50,962 Okay. 516 00:18:53,966 --> 00:18:54,966 Excuse me. 517 00:18:54,967 --> 00:18:56,551 I hope this isn't too weird, 518 00:18:56,552 --> 00:18:58,720 but I just thought someone should tell you 519 00:18:58,721 --> 00:19:01,056 how beautiful you look tonight. 520 00:19:01,057 --> 00:19:03,475 Well, isn't that a kick? 521 00:19:03,476 --> 00:19:04,601 Thank you. 522 00:19:04,602 --> 00:19:06,020 And I really love your necklace. 523 00:19:07,229 --> 00:19:08,772 My husband gave it to me. 524 00:19:08,773 --> 00:19:12,485 It's a little gaudy, but it makes me think of him. 525 00:19:14,570 --> 00:19:16,655 You know, this is... this is really out of character for me, 526 00:19:16,656 --> 00:19:17,989 but would it be the strangest thing 527 00:19:17,990 --> 00:19:20,575 if I asked to join you for a glass of wine? 528 00:19:20,576 --> 00:19:22,620 Only if it's tequila. 529 00:19:25,498 --> 00:19:26,498 I'm Nell. 530 00:19:26,499 --> 00:19:28,166 I'm Cricket. 531 00:19:32,963 --> 00:19:34,298 Come in. 532 00:19:35,591 --> 00:19:38,176 Hey. I got more poop bags for Arthur's business 533 00:19:38,177 --> 00:19:41,262 so you're always ready. 534 00:19:41,263 --> 00:19:43,139 Thank you. 535 00:19:43,140 --> 00:19:44,808 Is there something else? 536 00:19:44,809 --> 00:19:48,395 Technically, it's not called Asperger's anymore. 537 00:19:48,396 --> 00:19:50,271 It's called "Autism Spectrum Disorder." 538 00:19:50,272 --> 00:19:51,398 It means a lot of different things 539 00:19:51,399 --> 00:19:53,316 to a lot of different people, but for me, 540 00:19:53,317 --> 00:19:56,111 it means I need structure and routine. 541 00:19:56,112 --> 00:19:57,821 There's a right way to do things, 542 00:19:57,822 --> 00:20:00,407 and there's a wrong way to do things. 543 00:20:00,408 --> 00:20:02,409 And there's not much in-between. 544 00:20:02,410 --> 00:20:04,411 Like the poop bags. Yeah. Kinda. 545 00:20:04,412 --> 00:20:05,745 But I'm an environmental lawyer, 546 00:20:05,746 --> 00:20:07,956 so that's just being responsible. 547 00:20:07,957 --> 00:20:10,583 The world's on fire right now. Right. 548 00:20:10,584 --> 00:20:12,669 Also... 549 00:20:12,670 --> 00:20:15,422 I know at times I could be... 550 00:20:15,423 --> 00:20:18,591 difficult to live with. 551 00:20:18,592 --> 00:20:20,136 Or so I've been told. 552 00:20:22,388 --> 00:20:23,596 So have I. 553 00:20:23,597 --> 00:20:25,932 So, maybe we're a good match. 554 00:20:29,770 --> 00:20:31,229 Well, have a nice day. 555 00:20:31,230 --> 00:20:35,233 ♪ Made a wrong turn ♪ 556 00:20:35,234 --> 00:20:37,652 ♪ Once or twice ♪ 557 00:20:37,653 --> 00:20:39,988 What are the markers of a life well lived? 558 00:20:39,989 --> 00:20:42,490 We try to describe people's lives in one sentence. 559 00:20:42,491 --> 00:20:44,576 "She was a successful journalist." 560 00:20:44,577 --> 00:20:47,120 "He was an old friend and a new boss." 561 00:20:47,121 --> 00:20:48,496 "She was a working mom." 562 00:20:48,497 --> 00:20:49,581 It's too many kisses! 563 00:20:51,167 --> 00:20:53,209 "He was the Yummy Yum Bubble Gum guy." 564 00:20:53,210 --> 00:20:54,919 But the truth is, there isn't one sentence 565 00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:56,713 that can describe a life. 566 00:20:56,714 --> 00:20:57,756 No, I know that we're not where we're supposed to be, 567 00:20:57,757 --> 00:20:59,549 but I-I have a plan. 568 00:20:59,550 --> 00:21:00,800 It's just taking a little bit longer than... 569 00:21:00,801 --> 00:21:02,552 Because life is complicated. 570 00:21:02,553 --> 00:21:04,596 Thanks, Dad. 571 00:21:04,597 --> 00:21:06,973 And people aren't always who we think they are. 572 00:21:06,974 --> 00:21:09,976 The real truth is, we're all a work in progress, 573 00:21:09,977 --> 00:21:12,061 and so are our relationships... 574 00:21:12,062 --> 00:21:13,646 The old ones we're trying to keep... 575 00:21:13,647 --> 00:21:15,607 Byow-byow-byow! 576 00:21:15,608 --> 00:21:17,609 And sometimes, 577 00:21:17,610 --> 00:21:19,444 if we're lucky, 578 00:21:19,445 --> 00:21:22,030 it's the new ones that take us by surprise. 579 00:21:22,031 --> 00:21:23,823 Hey! 580 00:21:23,824 --> 00:21:26,868 Are you ready to rock our faces off? 581 00:21:26,869 --> 00:21:29,537 Sure am. Come on, girl. 582 00:21:29,538 --> 00:21:31,338 I can tell you about the '80s, now. Oh. Please. 583 00:21:34,335 --> 00:21:37,337 "And since, as Monty Waxberg believed, 584 00:21:37,338 --> 00:21:38,713 you never really know where life is going to take you, 585 00:21:38,714 --> 00:21:41,674 so just open up your heart along the way and listen. 586 00:21:41,675 --> 00:21:44,135 Everyone has a story if you just take the time 587 00:21:44,136 --> 00:21:46,055 to find out what it is." 588 00:21:47,932 --> 00:21:49,390 I would tell you this is really good, 589 00:21:49,391 --> 00:21:50,767 but then you'd just want to start a union, 590 00:21:50,768 --> 00:21:53,061 so instead, I'm just gonna upload it to publication. 591 00:21:53,062 --> 00:21:54,103 Okay. 592 00:21:54,104 --> 00:21:55,564 Okay. 593 00:21:56,816 --> 00:21:58,358 Don't let those nice words go to your head, old man. 594 00:21:58,359 --> 00:21:59,985 I'm just trying to keep this job. 595 00:22:04,740 --> 00:22:06,658 Didn't even say goodbye. 596 00:22:06,659 --> 00:22:08,284 What a jerk. 597 00:22:08,285 --> 00:22:09,869 Hey, I just e-mailed you your next assignment... 598 00:22:09,870 --> 00:22:13,164 A woman who ran a successful Dim Sum restaurant in Chinatown. 599 00:22:13,165 --> 00:22:14,959 On it. 600 00:22:17,503 --> 00:22:18,962 Hi. Oh. 601 00:22:18,963 --> 00:22:20,505 I'm gonna be honest because I'm dead. 602 00:22:20,506 --> 00:22:22,590 Your natural deodorant doesn't work. 603 00:22:22,591 --> 00:22:23,925 And why aren't you married? 604 00:22:23,926 --> 00:22:25,469 Time's ticking. 42282

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