All language subtitles for Maybe.I.Do.2023.1080p.WEBRip.x264-RARBG

Marriage.

Yeah, I've been a happily
married man for a long time.

Mostly.

And who you are is what
you've mostly been, right?

I mean, you've been something
all your life,

but you wake up one day
and you realize

more life has gone by
than you've got left.

So, maybe you think about
the things you haven't done.

Or who you've never been.

Or what you may have missed
along the way.

And on that day,

the last thing you want to be
is who you mostly were.

And you know what?

That's a mistake.

Oh, god.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I don't know you.

I know this certainly
isn't my place,

but you just seem

very distressed.

I'm at the movies by myself.

Are you at the movies
by yourself?

Yes.

You're not distressed?

Oh, no. I'm...

Real distressed.

Sam.

Grace.

No matter where you go,
there's a surprise.

I'm naked under this.

I'll take that
into consideration.

You haven't made love to me.

Yeah, I understand
I haven't done that.

Hmm?

Hmm, what do you think?

I think when
that robe comes off...

- Yeah?
- It's gonna be

a whole lot of work.

Get on me right now!

I would... Monica, I would.
I would do that,

but we're in a very precarious
world situation right now.

And you're pressuring me
with your availability.

Come on, Howie.
Do what you do. Come on.

Play my body like it's a violin
and you're a clarinet player

who doesn't know
how to play a violin!

Nobody knows
how to play that thing.

Look, relationships
go through this.

You know, at some point,
one person just wishes

there was a button
they could push that would

make the other person go
somewhere else for a while.

Cease to exist?

No. That person still exists.

Oh.

We came to this amazing hotel!

There's no conversation because

I'm not sure what
there is to say anymore.

What? Stop!

How many good years
do you think we have left?

How many? Twenty?

- Maybe?
- Yeah.

I can remember what
I was doing 20 years ago

like it was last Thursday.

Now, if that's what we have left
from last Thursday until now...

Then we have to have fun!

Then the only real
conversation worth having

would be the one that starts,

"hey, if that's
what we got left,

are we living our best lives?"

And also,
what are we doing here?

What are we doing here?

- I'm underdressed for this.
- Yeah.

Because... the only thing
I'm sure of

is that I could be asking
these same questions at home.

With my wife.

They're really doing this?

She's throwing it to Michelle.

Nobody else wants it.

Michelle catches the flowers.

You get married next.

Have babies, same time as us.

They grow up together.

Best friends, same as them.

Your life's all set.

You didn't know?

I didn't know.

Don't mess up my wedding, man.

Oh, man.

- Okay.
- Forget it.

Why?

Because you seem
respectable to me.

So, I ask,

what's the matter, buddy?

You're heading home to meatloaf.

And you notice one of
our exotic pixies outside,

bathing in the soft,
purple glow of the neon sign.

And you think, "wait."

"I believe she just looked
at me with interest."

Now, let me bust that up
for you right now.

As soon as you get her
out of that neon glow...

Jesus!

I... I don't want
to do this anymore.

Okay.

Okay.

Wait a second.

A person like you shouldn't take
a person like me to a motel.

I was enjoying talking to you

and I just wanted to talk more.

And it had the advantage
of being a place

nobody we know
could possibly recognize us.

And it was the only place open.

Well, this is open.

I couldn't take you here.

Wait a minute.

Okay. How old are you?

Why does that matter?
How old are you?

Oh, i'm... I'm sixty-flaggh
years old.

Well, then, see?
We're exactly the same age.

Hey, am I just... I don't know.

Am I just kind of
naturally charmed

because neither one of us
have ever done

anything like this before?

Or... or...

Have you perfected this routine

and I'm just tonight's
idiot dupe?

Look at me.

Yeah, I know. Me too, me too.

I would never do
anything like this.

It's not even
a possibility for me.

Well, what's held you back?

Because you're a good person?

'Cause I'd get caught.

- Thank you.
- Oh! Oh.

But... thanks.

But, if you're a good person,

and you're married,
and you're lonely...

Don't two good people

who have been on this earth
for sixty-flaggh years...

- Oh, at least.
- Deserve happiness once?

Well...

As long as you're sure.

Is there...

Is there a Bible in the room?

I'm unfamiliar with
the amenities here.

I really can't do this if
there's a Bible in the room.

Or a ring on my finger.

I'll be, uh...

Oh.

Um... let me just see.

Yeah. Look at you.

Oh!

- Holy Bible, right there.
- There you go.

Just... yeah.

Holy Bible.

I always knew
I'd end up like this.

Hi.

Oh.

I gave the Bible
to Rosa from Paraguay,

who understood immediately

why a person would take
the Bible out of the room.

And she... she gave me soap.

And she knew just enough English

to tell me that
I'd go straight to hell.

- Listen to me. Listen.
- Okay.

A lifetime of decent behavior

while other people were
having more fun than us

and ending up here together
because we're lonely

couldn't possibly
get us into hell.

Are you sure?

Because it's a big deal.

I'm sure.

- You are?
- Yes.

- Wanna watch TV?
- Oh, yes.

Okay.

Oh, there.
It's right here.

There.

Do you wanna change the channel?

No.

That's how it's done?

Well, those are professionals.

- Do you like that?
- No, I don't.

- I don't.
- Because...

Whew!

Wha...

I mean, how do I even
possibly belong in hell?

I don't even know
what was, like,

happening with those people.

What?

You're adorable.

Has anyone ever told you that?
You wanna take a walk?

Yeah!

Howard, we are
going on four months.

This is just not the way
you do this after four months.

What do you think is right?

Feelings?

You wanna talk
about your feelings?

- No, that window closed.
- When?

As soon as I said it,
I knew I wasn't gonna do it.

Well, this wasn't about
feelings anyway.

You wanna know
what this was about?

- No.
- This is about

leaving the lives we have

to spend time
in the lives we deserve.

Like an elegant hotel.

Dinner with the right wine.

Room service dessert that
you can't make at home, huh?

And what about the boom-boom?

Oh, I want to be wanted
in these surroundings.

I want adventure.

- Those are my feelings.
- Yeah.

There's one feeling that I have.

You are some kind of woman.

Oh, well...

Thank you for that.

How come?

This is...

The first time I've done
something like this.

And it's incredible to me

that you've been able
to turn a one-night stand

into something that's taken
four months to get out of.

It was the bridal
bouquet, Allen.

And she threw it to me.

Michelle...

I was gonna jump in the air
like it was swan lake.

And I was coming down
with those flowers.

And you were gonna kiss me.

And I was gonna kiss you.

But the kind of kiss
that let you know

you'd be loved
for the rest of your life.

And your whole head
was gonna go, "whoa!"

And hold onto me way longer

than appropriate
at somebody else's wedding.

And me and my best friend
in the white dress

could keep thinking
our beautiful thoughts

about our children growing up

and being best friends.

Our kids.

Who we're never gonna have now

because I'm not gonna
let you touch me anymore.

I want a more elegant exit.

I want lies that you enjoyed
your time in this place

because of me.

Okay.

I am... grateful

that you would think that I know

how to be more sophisticated

in this awkward moment.

And I hope that you will not be
so terribly angry that I'm not.

Oh, but I am terribly angry.

No reason for me to be here
if you're angry.

Not the kind of anger
that rises up quickly

and then goes away.
That's anger for other people.

Okay. What kind of anger
do you have?

Well, the more I look at you,

it's a... quiet,
sustaining anger

that consumes me
on a cellular level,

and motivates me
to start my new project.

Oh, well, okay. Good.

Uh, surely that has
nothing to do with me.

So, what I'm gonna do is i'm
gonna go right out this door.

I mean, you find it so amusing,
this idea of pushing a button

and then something
just suddenly doesn't exist.

Well, this existed.

I exist.

And you hurt me.

I don't think I hurt you.

Well, I'm gonna make it
like you hurt me.

So you walk out that door,

I'm gonna hurt you back.

I really don't think I hurt you.

I'm gonna figure out
how to kill you

and get away with it.

- Really?
- Yeah, really.

Because, while I've never
done anything like that,

and I'm smart, I think
I can get away with it.

Then does it matter
if I stay or go?

Oh, you are free to leave.

Just understand that if you
never wanna see me again,

then you better make sure that
you never see me again.

Because if you do,
then that's the day

I'm gonna push that button...

And you will cease to exist.

I think that's fair.

I always knew my life would be
a collection of hideous moments

ever since my mother told me
I would never be a ballerina.

Which was difficult for both of
us, but I knew she was right.

Do you want me to help you?

You don't touch me.

I accept that when god made me

he did not dip into his
reservoir of physical grace.

So, I've always tried to make up
for that with quirk!

Which has somehow saved me from
horrible moments of public shame

until tonight.

You did it, Allen.

You are responsible for the most
humiliating moment of my life.

All this time, I was sure
it would be me, but no.

It was you.

I don't even want to be
in the same room with you

where there's a bed.

I'll tell you what else god did.

He put night between the days

so tomorrow could be a new one.

So, all you have to do is

accept my very sincere apology,

and then this day can be over.

And we can go to sleep.

And so can the people
in the surrounding apartments.

Oh, am I being a little loud?

Yes, you are, darling.

I'm sorry!
We're having a fight here.

It was a reflex action.

I saw the flowers.

I reached out
and I grabbed them.

You climbed on a table,

and threw yourself
across the room.

It was the most awful moment

in the whole history of women
being stuck with you idiots.

Because I caught
the bridal bouquet?

No!

Because you knew
it meant something to me,

and you left it in the street.

You bastard.

Well, this is nice.

Could we get killed out here?

It's okay.

Seriously, do you think
this could be a mistake?

No, this is wonderful.
I'll tell you what's a mistake.

Everything I've ever done.

You know how many girlfriends I
took for a walk in high school?

No.

One. One girlfriend.

- Oh?
- Martha.

She had a pink angora sweater.

Which was the end of me.

The leaves would blow
off the trees and stick to it.

And one time,
she let me pull them off.

Oh, yeah.
We're diabolical like that.

- That got me through winter...
- Uh-huh.

When I asked her
to go sledding with me

but I didn't bring my sled.

So there was only one sled.

So we had to
lie on top of each other.

Oh! Yeah.

You guys are less clever.

But, you know, we appreciate it

when you include us
in your plans.

We were soaked from the snow.

- Uh-huh.
- We went back to her house.

And she took off
all her clothes.

Right in front of me.
And there she was, a naked girl.

Smiling at me.

Like I would know what
to do with a naked girl.

Did you?

Is there something
wrong with me?

Because, in this time
we're spending together,

that's all you really need
to figure out, right?

So, is there something
wrong with me?

Are you holding out
for a ballerina?

You've always been
a ballerina to me.

Oh, boy.

If we weren't having
this argument right now,

I'd be kissing
everything you got.

Here, you can have two.

Don't you think
our relationship works?

Why would we change
something that works?

Less people are getting
married, you know.

What if they're onto something?

I have a different thing.

Okay. What do you got?

I've got, this thing works

because I thought
it was going somewhere.

Now that I know you think we've
arrived at where we're going,

it's gonna start
not working so good.

I love what we are.

I'm happy with what we are
together. Is that no good?

You decide what I am to you.

I love you right now.

And now.

You don't even get
to say that anymore.

How do you know you're not
gonna meet someone better?

I'm telling you
I'll stop looking forever.

How do you know that now?

Are you a scared man?

No.

Because I don't want
a scared man.

You're just lucky
what you did tonight

doesn't stop me
from knowing who you really are.

I am lucky, but...

I don't get
to touch you anymore.

Is that all you want? Here.

This is my heart.

This is my mind.

All this can be yours if you
call within the next 24 hours.

Operators are standing by.

You've got one day to tell me
we're on the road to somewhere.

Not that we're here
and this is it.

Because this is not it.

Anything besides a "yes"
is a "no."

So, Martha and I had
more romantic evenings,

and what was awkward became...

Well...
I became proficient.

I just thought,

what good is it
having this skill

but Martha's going to be
the only one who knows it.

I just wanted
to show someone else

what I could do.

And word would get
around the halls,

and everyone would know
what Martha and I had.

That's... that's all I wanted.

- That was my plan.
- Yeah?

What do you think?

I don't know. I mean,
how did it work out for you?

I took another girl to bed.

Which was easy, because
I belonged to somebody else.

And you got caught.

Martha walked in on us.

I, um...

I looked up at her and I said,

"hi. I'm doing this for us."

I never saw such a look

of complete disappointment.

Except on my wife's face
all the time.

Martha never talked to me again.

But you want to know what?

When I was with the other girl,

in my head, it was
always Martha anyway.

You never heard from her again?

One time. I got a letter
with no return address.

It said, "Sam, I'm married now
and I love my husband."

"But when I love him the most,
he reminds me of you."

Oh. That's devastating.

Oh! I was thrilled.

Because, as hard as I try,
I can't satisfy my wife.

But here, without trying,
without even being there,

someone was thinking
nice things about me.

I think nice things
about you, Sam.

You know, no matter what tricks
you picked up in high school,

I don't know how I could have
had a better time than tonight.

- Turn around.
- Turn around?

Can you have my car brought up,
please? Thank you.

Our doorman will be happy
to assist you, ma'am.

Ma'am? Ooh.

Look at you.

Aren't you lovely?

And this hair, oh! Good for you.

Look at me.

Come on, you looked at me
before. Look at me now.

You will get here.

It happens like that.

The way we were, huh?

So, you wanna split some pie
and ice cream with me or what?

No, thanks.

Um...

Cup of coffee would be great,
thank you.

I'll never have
that moment again.

Yeah.

Not our world anymore.

How was your card game?

I left before I got killed.

Oh. Well, I'm sorry.

Yeah. I'm sorry too, grace.

Well...

What, are you working
on that thing?

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

How long you been
working on that thing?

Quite some time now, yeah.

What is that thing?

Are you trying to have
a conversation with me?

I don't know what I'm doing.

I'm sitting here
and these words are coming out.

Mm-hmm.

Hmm?

Wait.

What are you doing?

- Why are you following me?
- I wanna see.

You wanna see? What do you
wanna see? See me get shot?

I would want to be there
for that, yeah.

Ooh...

Oh!

Oh!

Hey, slugger.

Look at you, protecting mom.

Everything you do
gives me a heart attack.

What happened?

Hmm?

What? Is...

What happened, huh?

No. Is there a problem
with you and Allen?

Oh, honey.

Well, you know,

we just have to decide

whether we get married
or break up.

Honey!

You can't think about
spending your life with someone

or never seeing them again
at the same time.

Well, sure you can.

Those are the choices.

That make sense to you?

What?

Well, it doesn't have to make
sense to be what you've got.

- Okay?
- Why is it always me?

- Because it's always you.
- Oh.

I want a son.

Not tonight.

Hello.

Who's that?

Please, just come kill me.

- Allen!
- Hey, dad.

You okay? Why aren't you
in your apartment?

I was standing around
talking to the wall.

So, I figured it was best
I wasn't there.

I still have a room here?

Of course you do, baby!

And you are always
welcome to it,

especially if that girl
that you're with

has failed to live up
to my expectations.

- Mom.
- Honey!

Mmm!

That's a very pretty robe.

Do you like it?

I love it. You look great in it!

- Doesn't she look great in it?
- Sure.

Oh, stop trying to save
our relationship.

You got out, you came back.
You fool.

That is a pretty robe, Monica.

And you do look good in it.
When did I buy that for you?

You didn't. It was a gift.

Michelle wants to marry me.

What for?

I came home
to consider the idea.

Well, how exactly
would that work?

You would ask yourself
the only question that matters.

"Does this girl carry within her

the potential to suck out
your soul like a nosferatu

and turn you into
an undead, desiccated husk

that in any strong wind
would leave you afraid

you will blow out of your shoes
and turn into ashes?"

No.

Then go forward, my son.

I thought you were
happy with her?

I am happy with her.

I'm happy with her every
moment we're together.

But that's not enough for her.
She...

She wants me to be happy
with her in the future.

I think that sounds romantic.

Ha! I think
it's science fiction.

All right.

Why are you happy with her now?

She's the first person
I want to talk to

about anything
that happens to me.

Aww. Well then, why do you
want that to change?

Why would it change?

When you change
the relationship,

- the relationship changes.
- I said that to her.

He said that to her!
This boy that we made

applied sound logic.

And what did she say?

She wants me to jump
off a cliff with her.

I mean, is there value in that?

In... holding someone's hand
and closing your eyes?

That's very young.

She's traditional, Allen.

You know, a perky believer
in the happily-ever-after.

Which is strange. I thought
she was quite intelligent

and aware of the world
in which she actually lives.

- Hey, Monica...
- But you may have found

the last woman on earth
who assumes a happy ending.

Hey, Monica!

Mon...

Would you make us
a pot of coffee?

I'm sorry,
what did you say to me?

Because, you know, it's late
and we're not thinking clearly.

And what could be
more important than this?

Please, make coffee.

Allen, would you tell your
father how offensive that is?

Because I am standing here
talking to my son

about his future.

I said "please". I used
polite and cordial words.

Well, I'm not finished talking
to him. I'll tell you what.

Why don't you go in the kitchen
and you make the coffee?

By the time you come back, I'll
have set him on the proper path

and then you can talk to him
as long as you want.

I tell you what. How about
you get your ass in the kitchen

and make a pot of coffee

or I pick you up and throw you
right the fuck out the window?

Oh, my. Okay.

Huh!

Dad?

She's confused
by my show of strength.

We've got, like, a minute.
Allen.

This girl loves you.
I don't care what you think

in your youth and indecision,
she loves you!

How does someone know that?
How do I know if I love her?

You don't have to.

Love is just a word
we've attached

to describe a feeling
we won't really understand

until we're old enough
to look back on it.

And wonder if we ever did.

What?

Do you love me?

- Yes, I do.
- Why?

- Because I do.
- Why?

Because you've cared for me.
You've seen to my well-being.

- Why? Why?!
- Maybe ask a different question?

- Because you're my father!
- Yes!

That's it. That's right.

That's all. I'm your father.

And that's what we've got.
We've got mothers and fathers.

We've got parents and children.

And I... I dedicated
myself to you.

We've grown up together,
and you've made me proud.

But, Allen, I didn't choose you.

You were given to me.

You're not a choice that I made.

But what if you were?

What if we didn't
know each other,

and we saw each other
on the street?

Would there be some
sort of pull between us

that made you know,
"this is my father"?

Would I know, "this is my son"?

Or would I walk away and
not give you a second thought?

But the doctor said,

"this one is yours."

"Take him home."

And I understood that
relationship completely.

But to go out and choose someone

for the rest of time, without
the benefit of a doctor saying,

"this one's yours.
Take her home."

What kind of a responsibility
is that for a person?

I've never thought
about it like that.

I think about it all the time.

Allen, look what
this girl has done.

She's made herself
vulnerable for you.

And don't worry about
if you love her now.

It takes a lifetime
to love someone.

It's the thing we most aspire to

because no one has ever
figured it out.

Until one night, you wake up,
and you know everything's okay.

'Cause she's
the one lying next to ya.

Is that what happened to you?

We're talking about you.

It's your world now, Allen.

If you value my advice,

and, Allen, I've been there,

marry her.

Marry Martha.

- Michelle.
- And I don't care

what the current conversation
is out there,

some things have to be timeless.

Or else,
the whole world unravels.

Can I ask you something?

And I understand
if you can't answer me.

I'll answer you.

If you had to do it
all over again,

would you still marry mom?

Look what I've done!
It's magnificent.

May I speak with my son now?

- Yes.
- Thank you.

Because it took both of us
to make you, Allen.

I've never been able
to walk away knowing that.

What have you done here?

I made us some high tea.

It's lemongrass chamomile.

And cucumber sandwiches

with cream cheese
and just a little sprig of dill.

Cut crusts and everything.

You know, he just asked
for a pot of coffee.

Well, I always improve upon
his smaller expectations,

and it always goes
unappreciated.

- This is really good.
- Damn right it is.

Okay, let's talk about Michelle.

Mom, you know what?

Let's talk about it
in the morning.

Right now,
I just want to be here.

With you.

Okay.

Thanks a lot, god
is brought to you

by the archdiocese of New York,

and the new Cadillac escalade.

- Freeze, sinner!
- Whoa!

- Yes, I mean you!
- Oh.

For is there truly one
among you who can claim

to be clean of sin?

We... we just ate chicken!

I don't know
what those people were doing.

And if you pridefully
pat yourself on the back

because you have not sinned
in your actions,

are you clean in your mind?

Nope.

Today's message deals with
the seventh commandment.

Thou shalt not commit adultery!

But there is a way to leap out
of the lake of fire.

Wait, you know something?
This is not about me.

- Pray... for... grace!
- No, wait! This is not about me!

I'm sorry!

- Mom?
- Oh!

Honey. Oh.

- I'm sorry.
- About what?

Well, about... you and Allen.

I was in my old room
in my old bed thinking,

"I was such a good little girl,
wasn't I?"

Oh! You were
the best little girl.

Why wouldn't somebody
want me forever?

Oh!

You raised me to believe
that love is worth fighting for.

Mmm.

That it's the only thing
that lasts.

Yeah, but what did I mean?

You told me that finding
the right person

is one of the most important
decisions we make.

What's the matter with me?
I talk to you too much.

Do you still believe it?

If he doesn't want you forever,

I will end him right now.

- Hmm.
- Where does that even come from?

It comes from knowing there's
nothing I can do about this

except come on strong.

Where is he now, Michelle?

I'm sure he couldn't be
in the apartment alone either

and went back to his family
like I did.

But how come we've never
even talked about his parents?

His father's wonderful.
You'd love his father.

And his mother?

He has one.

So, you wanna know
what killed relationships?

Antibiotics.

Drop dead at 46
like we used to in the old days,

and then it's over really fast.
Who cares, right?

But "till death do us part"
needed a rewrite

after penicillin.

How many serious relationships
have you been in?

I thought I had a couple
before this one.

But now that I have this one...

One.

- You don't like Michelle?
- No, I like her fine, Allen.

- She cooks for you?
- We cook together.

Oh, that's sweet.

So, maybe someday you'll take
some classes at sur la table.

And then, as you're waiting
for the souffl to rise,

you'll look around and think,
"what the hell happened to me?"

And I bet she cleans
the apartment.

We do these things together,
mom, are you kidding me?

They do things
together as a couple.

Why doesn't that seem
correct to you?

Dad, you've just
been sitting there?

For 40 years.

Waiting for food.

So, why haven't we
met these people?

I was just trying to avoid
an awkward situation.

But why would it be
an awkward situation?

No father of the girl wants
to meet the father of the boy

who's been getting it for free.

Daddy! Is that what's
important to you? Huh? Huh?!

That's what's important to him!

How do you know
what's important to him?

Where is the ring?

Where's the ring?

Yep. Where's the ring?
I don't see the ring.

I wanna see the ring! Here.

- What are you doing? What?
- This is a ring.

Look at this ring. This, this.

This ring means commitment.
This ring means loyalty.

This ring means trust.

Did...
Where the hell is the ring?

Yeah, well... it's in.

- Yeah, that's what it is.
- In?

Mm-hmm.

In where? Where's it in?

It's in.

I took it in to get it adjusted

because my fingers
are getting really fatter.

What are you talking about?

I got the fat fingers.

I mean, I just...
Oh, what have I done?

I didn't want you to know.

- Let me see.
- Yeah.

Fat. Fat fingers.

Oh, honey.

These are lovely fingers.

- Do you really think so?
- Yes.

Yes, I do.

- Yes.
- Because...

- Yes. Yes.
- Okay.

You see how emotional
she gets about the ring?

It's because it's what...
What you do with it.

It's what everything
you put into it

and all the emotions around it.

And it's like maybe the most
important thing you ever get.

Where's yours?

In my underwear drawer.

Uh, I'd like to see it.

No. No, no, no.

Yeah, but I would like to see
your wedding ring.

- I haven't seen it...
- I don't think...

- In a long time, actually.
- It doesn't fit.

- It jams me.
- Oh, I see.

You don't think
I have it, do you?

I wanna see it.

No! No.

It stays where it is,
and you wanna know why?

Because every day

I see that when
I put on my underwear.

And the symbolism of that is:
I am married,

and I am covering up
my situation.

I wanna see the ring.

So do I. Where is it?

In my night table drawer.

Next to the Bible. Get it.

You're a good woman, honey.

You two are fabulous,
you know that?

It's your fault
I believe in all this stuff.

Look, we've already established
she's an old-fashioned girl.

Maybe she just loves
to cook and clean.

Why don't you have her over
to do the house?

Hey!

Are you really going to give
the rest of your life

to someone because
they cook and clean?

Are you gonna leave it up to us
to help you make this decision?

I came to you both
to learn something.

This shouldn't have
anything to do with us.

Oh, but it really does.

Well, what should it
have to do with?

It should have to do with love.

- I found it. Look at that.
- Oh!

Look at that. Uh-huh.

That is the symbol of our love.

Put it on, honey.

Um... you know, I...

Boy, I... I don't think it's
gonna fit these fingers.

You wanna kiss 'em?

Here.
You know what I'm gonna do?

- [Grunts aggressively
- yeah, you hurt me.

I'm sorry. Never take that
off again, okay?

I understand your position,
honey.

Look at that.

Bing.

That's really on now.
That's on there good. Bing!

- Oh, yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

On there forever just because
I asked her one question.

Do you love me?

What do you mean?

And if the answer is yes,
I wanna know why.

I was originally captured

by your strong sense
of interior design.

That's why you love me?

Does Michelle make you happy?

I think so.

How can you not know
if you're happy?

Are you happy, dad?

I'm as happy as I'm gonna get.

Michelle, we're fine
with whatever you do.

We just hope that
we were good influences.

We always told you the truth

that we believed
at the time, honey.

Like when you said
I would never be a ballerina?

I know, honey.
I'm sorry. You won't.

- Here's truth.
- Okay.

These people are as much
to blame as we are

for all of us
arriving at this point.

You think they'd have the
courtesy to invite us to dinner?

I mean, our kid
sleeps with their kid.

Doesn't that entitle us
to a dinner?

He's right. Yes!
Just get him over here.

- Yes.
- Mom, seriously?

Oh, I'm not gonna be blamed
for what I taught you, okay?

Go!

Yeah.

Come on, let's do it.

Except, why can't we go there?

Why does everything
have to be expensive for me?

Michelle, my bell!

- Yikes.
- How are you?

We were just talking about you.

Hi. You were?

Endlessly.

Yes...

Howdy.

Howdy to you too.

Here's an interesting thing
that's gonna happen,

but first, I miss you.

I miss you too.

Great.

My parents wanna have you guys
over for dinner tonight.

They think it would be nice
if we all finally got together.

I'd rather just get married.

So, I'll see you tonight?

Instinctively, a bad idea.

Do it.

So, Michelle and her parents

would like to have you
over for dinner tonight.

- All of us?
- No. I'm not going to that.

Mute. Where's mute?

No, absolutely not.
Absolutely not.

This is a sucker play.
They're throwing out the net.

She's gonna reel you in
like a trout.

You take care of it.
Go ahead, Sam, take care of it.

Hi, Michelle.

- Hi.
- Listen.

We'd love to come.

- What?!
- Amazing.

My parents are so excited
to meet you guys.

How's seven o'clock?

That's great.
Can we bring anything?

Just yourselves.
I'm sure that will be plenty.

Looking forward to it.

Why don't you wanna
meet these people?

What could we possibly
have in common?

Whoo! Yay!

I'm in mamaroneck.

There isn't enough alcohol
in the world.

I have a little bit
of a buzz on.

This one's a lack of awareness
bordering on hallucination.

I'll get it!

God bless us, everyone.

Michelle, hi.

Yep.

Michelle.

Darling! Aww, mwah!

- Mmm.
- Oh, right.

Oh, what a lovely little house.

Look, Sam, this is exactly
what we would have

if I did quaint.

And mama and papa,
where are they?

You did say seven, didn't you?

You are right on time.

They're just running
a little late.

Well, we could come back
another time, couldn't we?

What works for you, sweetheart?

- Mother!
- Yeah!

I should've been ready, like,
twenty-flaggh minutes ago.

Hey! Oh, my goodness. Allen, hi.

- Hi.
- And wait a minute.

Of course,
you must be Allen's mother.

Monica. It is so nice
to finally meet you.

- Well, thank you.
- Yeah.

Thank you. We really should've
done this a long time ago.

- Right?
- Yeah.

Well, now that
you've met my mother,

I'd like to introduce you to...

Dad?

Well, Allen,
where is your father?

Couldn't he make it?

My husband,
did he leave us here?

The door's open, so, maybe...

- He's outside?
- Oh, dear. Really?

Dad?

Hey, everybody!

Sorry I'm a little late.

Hey!

You're in my house?

Yeah.
It's even worse than that.

You can't kill me now.
I've got company.

- Guess what?
- What?

- What?
- I'm the company.

Ha-ha!

No, no, no...

Dad?

Yeah! That's my son Allen

who's with your wife,
holding your daughter.

Oh, dear god.

Howard, uh, this is Monica.

And, Monica, this is
my husband, Howard.

How do you do?

Hi. I'm Howard.

This is where I live.

This is my daughter, Michelle.

I am the father of her.
You know where I live now.

I found your little house. Mmm.

Instinctively, bad idea.

Um, yeah. You know what this is?

This is, um,
what would you call this,

a little free-floating anxiety?

- More.
- Way more.

Right. Right, because

everyone knows how important
this is, sweetie, really.

And so, we're just trying
to make sure

that it's an evening
to remember.

Oh, that must be my husband.

Oh! Oh, well, I'll let him in.

And we'll all loosen up
right now.

You'll see. You'll see.

Oh! Well...

No, no. I, um...

That actually wasn't
your husband.

But can I ask you a couple
questions about your husband?

- Mom.
- Huh?

Because it's... it's all
really too much, honey.

It's just... it's like...
I mean...

This could decide
the rest of our lives.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, I think she's right.

- Yeah.
- I think...

I think that everybody...

Should go home.

What?

As clearly as I could,
I said it.

Guys, this is happening.

We... we want to decide
the rest of our lives.

Well, we don't, actually.

We do, and we can't
if you don't open the door.

Pray for grace.

Um...

Oh!

Uh...

Look what you did to him.

No, you're right.
We should do this more often.

You have to do something.

You have to do something.
It's your house.

Would anyone care for a drink?

- Yes!
- Ah, Michelle.

Allen?

We'll have wine, thank you.

Wine. Grace, a drink?

I do now.

Oh, yes.

I'll have the usual.

Come on.

All right. Tanqueray Martini.
Extra dry with a twist.

- Ow!
- Oh, now it's "ow"?

What's his name?

- Sam.
- Sam!

- Yeah.
- What are you drinking, buddy?

- Bourbon.
- How about a double?

How about the bottle?

Who could blame you?

Oh...

Look, why don't I help him
make the drinks,

and you take everyone
on a tour of the house?

Neither one
should take very long.

Actually, Michelle and I
have a lot to talk about.

Would you like to step outside?

I was wondering if you had
a place I might feel safe?

Mom, show Allen's father around.

Oh! Of course.

You will love him.

What a thing to say, honey.

What a thing to say. Hi.

Um, here.

Um...

Just, uh... um...

You didn't tell me
that you have children.

You told me your son
was six years old.

He was once.

And you told me
that you were 54.

- I was once.
- Oh!

So, what are you now?

Sixty-seven.

Oh, 67!

Yeah, yeah.
I'll be 68 last year.

Oh, no!
I was making it with a corpse.

Oh, lovely. Really lovely.

I mean, why would anyone
ever leave you?

Oh, you are not leaving me.

I'm already gone, morticia.

No. I think
we just had an off night.

No! Monica, what...

- Look... look at me.
- Mmm.

We don't even like each other.

Why keep this going?

You don't understand
how difficult it is

to start a new
clandestine relationship.

You have to keep track
of what guy goes with what.

Sam thinks I'm angry at him.
I'm not angry at him.

I just lost track of him.

Well, you're not mad
at me either.

You screwed up your own life.

You're the only one
who can figure out a way

to find some kind of happiness
or whatever you're looking for.

I don't care.

I'm still killing you.

Monica,

nobody has to kill anyone.

Time is doing
a fine job of that.

- Grace...
- This is our backyard.

And this is where we go

when we want to come
to the back of the house.

Last night

was the sweetest night
I can remember.

Oh, well, for me too, Sam.

But we really can't
think about that now,

because what if the kids
get married?

Well, that'd be fantastic.

Things couldn't work out
any better.

We'd... we'd have excuses
to see each other all the time.

Oh. Mmm.

Is that incest?
I mean... it's...

Grace, I think

fate meant us to be together.

Look, last night was the best
night I've had in a long time.

But I want to hear those words
and feel those feelings

with my husband.

Last night, I had feelings
about my marriage too.

Mmm. What?

I hate my wife.

- You do not.
- I hate her guts.

Why would you say that?

- I live with her.
- Sam!

Because she hates me.

There's too much love in you
to hate anybody.

And there is too much
love in you

to not have it returned.

Let me return it, grace.

We live a long time.

And we'll have kids.

We'll watch them grow.

And we'll be 50.

Please understand that
that's a good thing.

I understand it's a good thing
when we're us.

But, Michelle, they were us.

They believe what you believe.

They believed they wouldn't
lose their minds.

All I've been asking

is what happens to us
on the way to them.

Do we wake up

on some cloudy Tuesday

and we're just not excited
by each other anymore?

You will always
be excited by me.

Look at me.
I'm on my little bed.

Don't get on my bed
looking like that.

I got dressed for your parents.

My mother wears turtlenecks.
Get it off.

Get it off. Get it off!

You don't touch me anymore,
remember?

Oh, yeah.

Now you can get in bed with me.

Don't say anything.

Just don't.

Do we spend the greater part of
our lives as crazy as they are?

Do you really think
they're crazy?

Because I don't.

I had feelings last night.

I didn't know
I was still capable

of having feelings like that.

Yeah?

There's only one possible
thing we can do.

Forget it ever happened.

You and me,

- Tahiti.
- Oh, so I'm way off here.

This isn't coincidence.

Things happen on purpose

so that we can figure out
what to do with our lives.

And our lives have led us here.

It's not real.

Sam! This isn't real.

Wouldn't you want this
with a nice, younger woman?

Well, my wife
is younger than me.

So, what I've learned
from that is... no.

And she's real.

She's as real as it gets.

But forgetting last night
happened isn't real,

because it did.

What's real is that it did.

I mean, what do you think
happened last night?

Sam, nothing happened.

Everything happened.

We talked. We had conversation.

When's the last time
you really talked to someone?

We shared the intimacy
that matters the most

because I think that
by not touching each other,

we touched each other.

And... it's what I want, grace.

Don't you?

I grew up with them.
I watched them stay together

while all my friends' parents
fell apart.

I admired it.

I've watched mine too.

I can only go by what I've seen.

And if that
is built into the deal,

will we be smart enough
to recognize it when it comes?

Will we recognize

how easy it is to arrive at
a place where I'm not allowed

to say "I love you" even though
I really think I do.

Allen.

We're so good together.
What are you doing?

I don't want it to happen to us.

So, help me out, okay?
You help me out.

How do you marry
a person you love?

How do you do that to somebody?

Wow.

You're angry at me?

How could I be?

This has nothing to do
with you and me at all.

Oh, my goodness.
Have you come to a decision?

I'm gonna try one last time.

Don't let what
you don't know is coming

get in the way of what
you know we have now.

I do know what's coming.

I understand
there's gonna be easy parts,

like our wedding day and
the birthdays of our children,

and I understand we're gonna
be all over each other

for the first five years.

Thanks for the image, kid.

But what about the hard parts?

What about the day
that we don't remember

we gave each other
the best parts of our lives?

Because...
Because we're too busy

blaming each other for being
two middle-aged potatoes.

Oh, god.

Honesty can't hurt us.
So, you make me see.

What keeps that from being
the rest of our lives?

You're wrong
about the easy part.

The easiest thing we could do

is smash this up and move on

and keep asking ourselves
the same questions

but with other people.

And if I do...

If I do find somebody else,
the difference will be

that I already knew you.

You will be my frame of
reference for loving somebody,

and I will compare them to you
and they will fail.

Why would you do that to me?

And if we do someday
have children with someone else,

your little girl
won't look like me.

You won't be able
to see me and everything

we've gone through
over the years in her face.

And when she finds her person,

it'll never remind you of what
you and I had together.

That's how we hang onto the best
parts of our lives, Allen.

That's what saves us.

Jump with me.

How can you ask me to promise
you we won't go crazy later?

You're crazy now.

Unless you found something.

Have you finally found
something wrong with me?

You've had enough time,
so just tell me.

Just tell me. What's wrong with
this girl right here, right now?

We're us, Allen.

Nobody else.

And I will miss you
for the rest of my life.

Honey, come on...

Allen...

Go after her, please.

No, he's gotta do this
by himself, buddy.

Nothing.

There's nothing
the matter with you.

I've never not ever
found one thing wrong.

You raised the most wonderful
person I know.

- Mm-hmm.
- Thank you.

And she's my best friend.

I don't care
what she does to me.

Now that's a good way
to go into this.

We did this to them?

Mostly you.

I always wondered why
babies are born so helpless

and why we get them
when they can't do anything.

And I always thought
that was for us.

So that we'd look back
when they grew up,

and be proud that we taught them
everything that they knew.

Because they didn't
know anything.

But it wasn't for us
at all, was it?

It's for them.

It's to keep them from realizing

that we don't know what we're
doing for as long as possible.

But you know what?

They figure it out anyway.

We knew what we were doing.

You heard him.

We've raised
an incredible daughter.

I want another chance.

What?

I would get it right this time.

We got a lot of it right.

No. Didn't you see her?

She's a ballerina
and I missed it.

Okay.

Well, we can't do it again.

You get one ride.

- And one ride only.
- Uh-huh.

We've done what we've done.

Well, why didn't you
just stop me

from becoming a potato?

You're not a potato.

I am, I am. I'm a potato.

And it was your responsibility
to stop me when

- I started turning into one.
- Grace. It...

But you weren't
paying attention.

I'm sorry I made you
feel that way.

I think my son
is absolutely right.

About what?

Honesty cannot hurt us.

Sure it can.

Would everyone like to start out
with some little hot dogs?

- No.
- I made them because

everyone likes them
and nothing bad has happened

- when I make them.
- The four of us, for instance.

Have we really been honest
with each other?

- Monica!
- Oh, right. You... you should...

- Probably take this, yeah.
- Yeah, it's my house,

- so I spoke up, but she's...
- My wife, so I guess...

On you, yeah.

- Unless you'd rather...
- No.

I, for one, have
absolutely no intention

of living out
the rest of my life

even remotely being thought of
as a potato.

Nobody thinks of you
as a potato.

Oh, really?
What do they think of me as?

That thing that
mashes the potato.

But I will be living

the rest of my life honestly.

And so, I don't want to talk
about tonight anymore.

I think she's right.

I think whatever happens,
the kids have this well in hand.

I want to talk about last night.

This evening is not about
what you want, Monica.

Oh, what's it about?

It's about Michelle and Allen,

and our part in the decision
they're making.

They've watched us
their whole lives.

They know who we are,
and they don't want to be us.

I don't want to be us either.

Monica, I'd like to talk to you.

You do?
You wanna talk to me, really?

Well, you go right ahead, Sam.

- Not here.
- Oh. Where would you prefer?

Someplace private.

The bedroom?
The bedroom's private.

Do you wanna talk in the bed...
May we borrow your bedroom?

We're just gonna talk in it.

We don't kiss or do
anything like that anymore.

We used to kiss every night
before we went to bed.

We made a point of it,
and I liked that.

It was hopeful.

What was it he said?

Do you even remember

that we gave each other
the best parts of our lives?

I remember everything.

But when you stop kissing
each other good night,

and you just say "goodnight"
or sometimes you don't say that,

and then you just turn out your
little light and roll over

and you leave me sitting there,

then it's necessary to go
elsewhere for hopeful.

Do you know what I'm saying?

- No!
- Or look elsewhere

for a memorable evening
with the lights on.

What do you think I do at night

when I'm not at home, Sam?

I try not to think about it.

Oh, why don't you
think about it?

Because it doesn't matter to me.

Because I just want to
turn over and go to sleep.

Okay, you asked your question.

- You got your answer.
- Well, it matters to me.

It matters to me
what happened last night.

So, in the continuing search
for a memorable evening,

I'm just gonna sparkle
this one up a little.

No! It wasn't me.

I wasn't with him.

No, honey,
you don't have this right.

- What?
- I knew I'd get caught.

Next time, why don't I
just send invitations?

Why do you both
not have this right?

I was home
in front of the television,

and you know that, Howard,
and you know that.

Of course you were.
Of course I know that. Yeah.

I wasn't, Howard.

I wasn't home.

Grace, what the hell
are you talking about?

What the hell are you
talking about?

I'm talking about me and grace.
What are you talking about?

Well, I was talking about
me and Howard.

But, obviously,
the news is elsewhere.

Howard!

Grace,
I made a terrible mistake.

I mean, obviously!
You know her now.

How could you do this?!

How could I? How could you?

The same way you could.

And since when could you?

I could and I'm good at it.

I just killed you.
Now it's over.

Have a nice day.

How long have you known my wife?

Four months.

How long have you?

One night.

Hardly seems fair.

- She have fun?
- What?

Did my wife have fun?

We had one wonderful evening.

Good. That's good.

You're not angry about that?

Yeah, well, who am I
supposed to be angry at, her?

Like she doesn't deserve
to have whatever she wants?

You...?

You seem like
the sweetest guy alive.

All we did
was talk to each other.

What?

That's all. We talked for hours.

You talked for hours?

About every little thing.

She wouldn't let
anything else happen.

That's all she wanted.

She continues to prove herself
to be a better person than me.

So, what are we
supposed to do now?

I don't know.

Wanna beat each other up?

Yeah.

N... no...

- Okay. Ca-ca-ca...
- Come on, get up.

- Get up.
- Okay.

Are you in love with my wife?

Huh?

What, are you kidding me? No!

No! No!

Damn it.

No. Come on. I'm sorry.

Sam.

Sam, I'm sorry.
It was a mistake.

It was a mistake.

Yeah, probably for me too.

Yeah. Sam.

It's okay, it's okay.

Yeah. Sam, buddy.

There's a whole big world
out there for you.

Guy like you,

what kind of world would this be

if there wasn't a happy ending
for a guy like you?

Maybe it's possible.

Your wife taught me
that I can love again.

Yeah, great.

That's really great.

You really have feelings
for her, don't you?

I want to go to Tahiti with her.

Well, I probably shouldn't
allow that, should I?

Okay, go. Yeah.

I'll give you three days.

That's incredibly
civilized of you.

Yeah, well,
it's certainly what I deserve.

She doesn't want to go with me.

- No?
- She wants that from you.

It's all she's ever wanted.

She's loved you her whole life.

You'd think that would be
the simplest thing

in the world to live with,
wouldn't you?

I wouldn't know.

I don't see where
looking you in the eye

is gonna work
for either one of us.

I'm interested in knowing
who initiated this thing.

You or my husband.

And you're gonna
ask me questions

you really don't want
the answers to.

Okay. Did you have conversations
with my husband?

Yes.

- Did you have sex with mine?
- No.

Huh. Someone should.

Did you tell Michelle

- that love lasts forever?
- Yes.

So, when you found out that it
didn't, did you just go crazy

and do whatever you wanted
and rationalize any behavior?

- No.
- Okay.

It's just me then.

I just found out
it wasn't true right now.

What did I do?

His behavior with me had
nothing to do with loving you.

Are you kidding?

I met you three hours ago
and I'd marry you.

I will leave his ass
in the dirt.

Do you want to know
why you won't?

Please.

The only person he's
unsatisfied with is himself.

But why?

You wake up one morning
and you just feel like

the world is passing you by,

and there's nothing you can
do about it and so...

You become a wrecking ball.

He's just a beginner, grace.

You can stop him, if you want.

I will stand here for the rest
of my life until you look at me.

It's the only time I've done
anything like this.

It was obvious.

Uh...

You're proud of that.
I don't understand.

Are you proud of that?

No.

No, I'm not proud of anything.

I did something awful.

I don't know why.

All I know is that
you'll never have to worry

about me doing anything
like that ever again.

- Why?
- Because it's not the answer.

Why? Why did you feel
like you needed to go

looking somewhere else?

If you had questions,
you're supposed to come to me.

It's like, I'm always, like,

- right here, so...
- I know.

- You always have been.
- Yeah.

I...

I hurt...
The person I love because

you're the one who's there.

What?

What?

- What, what, what, what, what?
- I... wait.

I'll spend the rest of our lives

making sure that I know
how you feel

about whatever happens to us.

- Yeah.
- About how...

What you need from me.

And...

- And maybe just about...
- What?

About time...

As it goes by.

You made me do that
with someone else.

Now what happens?

You go after her,
and she forgives you.

Why should she?

Because she believes the best
possible rest of her life

has always been with you.

So why didn't you stop me?

I always thought you were more
interesting than me, Monica.

I always hoped life would
be better because I knew you.

But there was never
any stopping you.

There was only living with you
as long as I could.

Well, you've stayed
up until now.

We had a son.

Love our son.

Well, only you and I
could've made him.

Marriage. Mm-hmm.

We meet the love of our life,

is what we think, at the time.

But then, time goes by.

How long do we give each other
until we turn into the people

we always hoped we would be?

Maybe we do wake up one day,

still lying next to each other,

and we finally understand
the promise we made.

That we would give each other
the best rest of our lives.

What if we don't get there?

What happens to us then?

But it's not our world anymore,
is it?

It's their world now.

Wherever thou goest, I will go.

And where thou lodgest,
I will lodge.

Thy people will be my people.

And thy god my god.

And where thou diest,
shall I die,

and there will I be buried.

I grew up wondering

if I would be able to stand
in front of someone

and promise her
the rest of my life.

But here we are.

I belong to you,

and whatever happens,

let it happen with you.

You ready to jump
off the cliff with me?

Yeah.

Whoo!

Oh!

Whoa!