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What Playboy is really all about
and what Hefner is all about is
trying to say,
2
00:00:10,532 --> 00:00:11,359
let's celebrate our sexuality.
3
00:00:13,535 --> 00:00:15,667
It is fun when you first have
sex, right?
4
00:00:17,017 --> 00:00:20,324
But he needed to
experience it all.
5
00:00:21,934 --> 00:00:23,501
There's a line that's crossed.
It made me sick to my stomach.
6
00:00:25,242 --> 00:00:26,200
It just got to be a circus.
7
00:00:27,375 --> 00:00:28,985
I think for men like
Hef, over time,
8
00:00:30,073 --> 00:00:32,336
it takes more to be turned on.
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00:00:33,076 --> 00:00:33,468
Ben Wa balls,
10
00:00:34,599 --> 00:00:37,472
sex trapezes, sex with dogs.
11
00:00:40,170 --> 00:00:41,563
These men needed to try things
that were more transgressive.
12
00:00:43,565 --> 00:00:46,742
And that rush came from finding
these girls that were very
13
00:00:49,049 --> 00:00:53,618
innocent and naive and slowly
watching them do things that
they never
14
00:00:53,662 --> 00:00:55,881
thought they would do before.
Really just breaking them down.
15
00:00:57,405 --> 00:01:00,408
This is beyond having fun
partying. He was like a vampire.
16
00:01:02,888 --> 00:01:05,195
He was sucking the life out of
me. Really, he was a monster.
17
00:01:06,805 --> 00:01:09,939
The things that he got turned on
by, nothing was enough, nothing.
18
00:01:15,640 --> 00:01:16,728
My name is Hugh Hefner, I'm
editor/publisher of Playboy Magazine.
19
00:01:17,990 --> 00:01:20,471
Hugh Hefner was just
27, he fashioned himself
20
00:01:20,515 --> 00:01:24,693
and Playboy as the face
of sexual liberation.
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00:01:24,736 --> 00:01:26,738
Playboy is one of the most
famous brand names in the world.
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00:01:28,871 --> 00:01:32,179
I would like to be remembered as
somebody who played some
positive part in
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00:01:32,222 --> 00:01:32,962
changing the social
sexual values of my time.
24
00:01:35,007 --> 00:01:37,880
I believe that Hef pulled
one over on the whole world.
25
00:01:41,188 --> 00:01:44,756
The fantasy of Playboy that he
created did not allow for the
consent of the women.
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00:01:47,150 --> 00:01:49,196
When it came to Hefner's
buddies, you had to keep those
secrets quiet.
27
00:01:50,849 --> 00:01:52,590
What have you got for free?
28
00:01:52,634 --> 00:01:55,593
When you get someone that
powerful, anything could happen,
anything!
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00:01:58,030 --> 00:01:59,641
The people who are really there,
they're the ones who know the
real truth.
30
00:02:01,556 --> 00:02:03,384
I want be a voice for the women
that suffered the most at his hands.
31
00:02:21,402 --> 00:02:25,884
This was commissioned by one of
the art directors on our third anniversary.
32
00:02:25,928 --> 00:02:28,104
And it's Hef and Sondra
three fabulous years,
33
00:02:29,236 --> 00:02:30,759
but I can't hate my house.
It's just,
34
00:02:32,282 --> 00:02:34,632
it goes against everything that
I'm trying to do right now.
35
00:02:36,634 --> 00:02:40,029
Trying to get the word out,
just for girls, young girls
36
00:02:40,072 --> 00:02:43,119
to be careful with the decisions
they make and what they give away.
37
00:02:44,860 --> 00:02:47,254
Even though he's gone, there's
going to be another one in history.
38
00:02:47,297 --> 00:02:47,602
They're out there,
there always is.
39
00:02:49,430 --> 00:02:50,170
This subject matter is
a little touchy for me.
40
00:02:56,698 --> 00:02:57,438
I was so innocent.
41
00:02:59,788 --> 00:03:03,139
That's Sondra Theodore,
a rather special lady.
42
00:03:05,141 --> 00:03:06,447
Between you and me, is she going
to be Playmate of the year? You
can tell me.
43
00:03:08,275 --> 00:03:08,536
Well, not this year,
Dick, maybe next.
44
00:03:11,234 --> 00:03:13,149
See, they're talking about what
a wholesome girl I was. And I was.
45
00:03:15,107 --> 00:03:17,588
When I first met Sondra
Theodore at the LA mansion,
46
00:03:17,632 --> 00:03:19,808
she was only 19 years old.
She was very young.
47
00:03:22,680 --> 00:03:25,205
She was angelic, and she was
sweet, and she was absolutely beautiful.
48
00:03:26,858 --> 00:03:27,816
And she was always
standing next to Hefner.
49
00:03:30,862 --> 00:03:33,343
Sondra, she truly loved him.
Even though at that time I
didn't know her well,
50
00:03:34,736 --> 00:03:35,084
I could just sense it.
51
00:03:36,868 --> 00:03:40,742
She met Hef and just from
the get go, loved Hef.
52
00:03:47,183 --> 00:03:51,840
Honestly, he probably should
have married Sondra because she
genuinely loved him.
53
00:03:53,798 --> 00:03:55,844
My name is Sondra Theodore,
54
00:03:55,887 --> 00:03:58,934
and I was Hef's girlfriend in
the seventies and early eighties
for five years.
55
00:04:00,849 --> 00:04:02,111
It was like living
in a fairy tale, and
56
00:04:05,419 --> 00:04:08,291
he made me believe it,
and everybody else did too.
57
00:04:08,335 --> 00:04:11,425
'cause I don't know if they all
felt like it was a fairy tale too,
58
00:04:12,295 --> 00:04:13,905
that we were so in love.
59
00:04:17,866 --> 00:04:21,783
I would've never thought she
would speak about Hef because
boy was
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00:04:21,826 --> 00:04:22,697
she loyal to him.
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00:04:28,050 --> 00:04:31,271
Looking back, I don't
know how I fell for this.
62
00:04:33,185 --> 00:04:34,970
I don't know, it's
like baffling. Hefner,
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00:04:36,406 --> 00:04:38,278
he broke me like you
would break a horse.
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00:04:41,629 --> 00:04:45,067
He scared me a lot at the end
because you couldn't satisfy him.
65
00:04:45,110 --> 00:04:49,463
He had to more and more and
more, you know, pretty wild.
66
00:04:51,465 --> 00:04:51,639
I couldn't tell anybody.
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00:04:53,510 --> 00:04:57,949
I would be horrified to tell my
parents what had been going on.
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00:04:57,993 --> 00:05:00,735
I didn't want them to know that.
I didn't want anybody to know that,
69
00:05:00,778 --> 00:05:02,432
and I'm sitting here telling
you; that was my big secret.
70
00:05:07,655 --> 00:05:08,003
I was a good kid.
71
00:05:11,789 --> 00:05:14,618
I started piano when I
was seven, and I loved it.
72
00:05:17,404 --> 00:05:18,970
My parents were strict. They
made me practice before school
and after school,
73
00:05:21,625 --> 00:05:24,672
but I never once wanted to quit.
In high school, I focused on my studies.
74
00:05:27,065 --> 00:05:28,676
I was going to become an
actress, and I was a Bible
school teacher.
75
00:05:31,200 --> 00:05:34,682
I was just a really, really good
girl that had really high hopes
and dreams, and
76
00:05:35,639 --> 00:05:39,295
I pursued them until I met Hef.
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00:05:43,343 --> 00:05:46,650
When I first went up to the
mansion, I really did not know.
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00:05:48,522 --> 00:05:51,351
I didn't have the concept of
who he was. I looked so happy,
79
00:05:51,394 --> 00:05:52,221
but I had no idea what
I was walking into.
80
00:05:55,137 --> 00:05:56,921
I told my mother that I was
going to Howard Hughes's house,
and she said,
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00:05:59,141 --> 00:06:02,449
he's dead. And I said, well,
there's another guy with HH in
his name.
82
00:06:02,492 --> 00:06:03,188
And I said, oh
yeah, Hugh Hefner.
83
00:06:04,886 --> 00:06:06,583
And they're like, "Oh no, no,
no, no, no, don't go there.
84
00:06:06,627 --> 00:06:09,325
Don't go there." But I
said, "Mom,
85
00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:11,849
don't be silly." And I went with
my high school best friend, and
we were going
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00:06:13,895 --> 00:06:15,679
together, and we were coming
home together. That was the deal.
87
00:06:19,030 --> 00:06:20,510
When I first met Hef, he had
broken up with Barbi Benton,
88
00:06:23,121 --> 00:06:25,559
and I learned that through the
photographs in the hall, the gallery,
89
00:06:27,430 --> 00:06:31,303
that their life looked
like magic. I mean,
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00:06:31,347 --> 00:06:34,742
they have a picture in Gatsby
dress with the backdrop of the
house, and it
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00:06:34,785 --> 00:06:36,396
looked like, wow,
he really loved her.
92
00:06:39,964 --> 00:06:44,404
And I still didn't
understand really that
93
00:06:45,622 --> 00:06:46,580
he was a Playboy.
94
00:06:52,673 --> 00:06:53,413
This is my best friend
from high school.
95
00:06:54,805 --> 00:06:56,416
And Bernie was the prettiest
girl in high school.
96
00:06:58,505 --> 00:07:03,205
And I was this nerdy little girl
with my coronated skirt, my vest,
97
00:07:03,248 --> 00:07:06,774
and even my daughter would say,
"Mom, you were such a geek." You
know,
98
00:07:06,817 --> 00:07:07,775
she sees my pictures that I
was, I was such a geek.
99
00:07:12,040 --> 00:07:13,955
I've never been to a
Hollywood party at that point.
100
00:07:15,652 --> 00:07:17,785
It was a big, big deal.
101
00:07:19,003 --> 00:07:20,440
He really knew how
to work the charm.
102
00:07:23,007 --> 00:07:24,879
The seduction was fast, and he
just really reeled me in that
first night
103
00:07:26,968 --> 00:07:28,448
'cause he said, "I've looked
the whole party over,
104
00:07:32,190 --> 00:07:34,149
and you're the one I want to
spend the evening with. Will you
stay?"
105
00:07:37,544 --> 00:07:39,633
Those words alone, "I looked the
whole party over, and I'm the
one."
106
00:07:40,111 --> 00:07:41,722
And
107
00:07:44,551 --> 00:07:47,597
I couldn't even speak, but I had
a smile on my face I guess
because he said,
108
00:07:47,641 --> 00:07:49,164
I'll take that smile as a yes.
109
00:07:52,689 --> 00:07:57,085
Just all of it just make me feel
special. I was 19, and he was 50,
110
00:08:00,697 --> 00:08:02,351
and I had not been
in bed with a man.
111
00:08:05,659 --> 00:08:09,184
His secretary was Joni Mattis.
She was a playmate at one point.
112
00:08:12,056 --> 00:08:15,364
He told Joni to make sure I
stayed right there so he could
find me again.
113
00:08:15,407 --> 00:08:16,104
He had to go say
goodnight to his guests.
114
00:08:17,497 --> 00:08:20,456
And then he came back,
and he took me upstairs.
115
00:08:27,245 --> 00:08:31,032
Hef was my first real
relationship where
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00:08:33,208 --> 00:08:36,167
it was a real, it was a love
affair, and he nurtured that.
117
00:08:38,909 --> 00:08:40,911
And he said to me, he said,
118
00:08:40,955 --> 00:08:43,871
you're the first girl I've liked
enough to consider having a baby with.
119
00:08:45,002 --> 00:08:47,004
Reel her in. Oh really?
You know?
120
00:08:49,311 --> 00:08:51,052
you like me enough to - out of
all these beautiful girls, you
would pick me?
121
00:08:51,835 --> 00:08:52,401
He chose me?
122
00:08:55,404 --> 00:08:56,884
He would just take me up his
arms, and we'd dance around the
game room.
123
00:08:59,277 --> 00:09:02,629
That was his way of being
romantic with me. I wasn't wise enough,
124
00:09:02,672 --> 00:09:05,762
I wasn't worldly enough,
and my god, he was 50.
125
00:09:05,806 --> 00:09:08,852
He had a wife and
children, and I didn't know
126
00:09:09,940 --> 00:09:12,247
about the multiple girlfriends.
127
00:09:14,249 --> 00:09:15,119
He has rules that you're not
supposed to be with other men.
128
00:09:15,163 --> 00:09:16,686
I don't agree with his rules.
129
00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:22,736
I feel that the woman has every
right to do everything that the
man has that
130
00:09:22,779 --> 00:09:23,214
same right to do.
131
00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:28,568
But Hef was brought up in an era
where girls do not fool around,
guys do.
132
00:09:31,179 --> 00:09:34,095
And you know, I live by that.
You're a chauvinist pig, but I
love you.
133
00:09:39,100 --> 00:09:43,191
Right after Barbi Benton, he
said I want to have, you know,
134
00:09:43,234 --> 00:09:43,452
more than one girlfriend.
135
00:09:45,149 --> 00:09:49,110
He was not gonna have a
singular girlfriend anymore,
136
00:09:49,153 --> 00:09:51,025
that he was going to talk about
137
00:09:52,853 --> 00:09:54,202
it openly.
138
00:09:56,073 --> 00:09:58,423
He decided as he would say that
he would come out from behind
the desk and
139
00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:03,254
live the Playboy life
that the magazine
140
00:10:05,126 --> 00:10:06,867
represented. And Hef was the
Playboy of the Western world,
141
00:10:08,608 --> 00:10:09,260
Why should he stop at
one when he could have
142
00:10:11,959 --> 00:10:12,307
as many as he did?
143
00:10:15,484 --> 00:10:17,442
But how could he make me accept
it, or how could he make me join
it?
144
00:10:19,706 --> 00:10:22,230
You see our traditional value
held that the devil was in the flesh,
145
00:10:25,015 --> 00:10:27,975
that the spirit and mind were
pitted against things of the flesh.
146
00:10:30,934 --> 00:10:31,935
We tried to say, this conflict
does in existence and shouldn't
exist.
147
00:10:34,372 --> 00:10:37,245
He would tell the public even
good girls enjoy sex, healthy sex.
148
00:10:39,813 --> 00:10:41,728
And there was nothing healthy
about the sex with Hefner
149
00:10:42,859 --> 00:10:44,426
because he took it too far.
150
00:10:51,346 --> 00:10:54,349
He was taking the girl next
door, and he was soiling her.
151
00:11:05,490 --> 00:11:08,842
I was living his life, and I
wasn't living mine. I wasn't
acting anymore.
152
00:11:10,931 --> 00:11:16,458
He stopped me from getting
jobs, and he just got worse and
153
00:11:16,501 --> 00:11:19,679
worse as far as the cheating
because he could. Not only was
he messing around,
154
00:11:21,419 --> 00:11:22,377
he was even controlling me
when I was out of his sight.
155
00:11:25,249 --> 00:11:28,383
He hired somebody to spy on me.
He hired a secretary my age.
156
00:11:30,777 --> 00:11:33,562
I was 19 when I first started
at the mansion. We were all 19.
157
00:11:35,782 --> 00:11:36,870
Sondra was his girlfriend when
I first started working there,
158
00:11:39,873 --> 00:11:41,570
but he did have another girl
that he kind of dated on
Tuesdays and Thursdays.
159
00:11:44,007 --> 00:11:45,574
So one was going out the back
gate, and one was coming out the
front gate.
160
00:11:47,707 --> 00:11:50,622
I think he was probably worried
about what Sondra was going to
do on Tuesdays
161
00:11:50,666 --> 00:11:53,408
and Thursdays. What was good for
the goose was not good for the gander.
162
00:11:55,366 --> 00:11:58,979
She was not allowed to then date
on Tuesdays and Thursdays or
have a
163
00:11:59,022 --> 00:12:01,068
relationship of
her own on any day.
164
00:12:04,506 --> 00:12:05,899
The next day, he would say,
"What'd you guys do last night?"
165
00:12:08,379 --> 00:12:10,599
And innocently at that stage, I
would say, "Oh, we had a ball.
It was great fun."
166
00:12:11,687 --> 00:12:16,083
But as time sort of went on,
167
00:12:16,126 --> 00:12:19,739
I grew to really love Sondra.
I had become a friend now,
168
00:12:21,828 --> 00:12:24,265
so I was no longer comfortable
reporting back if you will.
169
00:12:27,616 --> 00:12:29,618
It backfired on me because
Lisa and I were so close,
170
00:12:31,098 --> 00:12:31,446
she finally told me one
night, she goes,
171
00:12:33,883 --> 00:12:36,625
"I was hired to spy on you and
to report everything you did
when you were
172
00:12:37,321 --> 00:12:40,107
away from him."
173
00:12:40,150 --> 00:12:41,456
And then she ended up telling
him, I can't spy anymore, and
I'm not going to do it.
174
00:12:41,499 --> 00:12:42,413
And he kept her on, but
175
00:12:44,372 --> 00:12:45,939
it was pretty creepy.
176
00:12:49,116 --> 00:12:50,291
He just cut me off from the
world, really.
177
00:12:55,470 --> 00:13:00,388
And once you were there, it was
so big and sometimes so wonderful,
178
00:13:00,431 --> 00:13:04,218
yet you were afraid at times,
you didn't want to tell your parents.
179
00:13:04,261 --> 00:13:05,915
There wasn't anybody
else left out there that
180
00:13:05,959 --> 00:13:08,091
would understand what
you're talking about.
181
00:13:09,832 --> 00:13:11,921
Hef's creation of Playboy
was more than just getting
182
00:13:11,965 --> 00:13:14,619
girls to take their
clothes off and post nude.
183
00:13:17,840 --> 00:13:20,321
He wanted to create a
lifestyle for himself that was
184
00:13:22,671 --> 00:13:25,674
accepted all over the world. I
mean, that's pretty glamorous
stuff right there.
185
00:13:29,025 --> 00:13:30,505
He would tell me things
like, "You're making history.
186
00:13:33,116 --> 00:13:35,075
You're going to be in the
history books." This is at the
Aliens Ball, I think.
187
00:13:35,597 --> 00:13:36,816
He knew what to say.
188
00:13:39,122 --> 00:13:41,690
He would tell you that our lives
are better than most people's
fantasies.
189
00:13:44,562 --> 00:13:45,825
Everybody loves each other.
We shouldn't be suppressed.
190
00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:48,479
Suppressed is the
big word with him.
191
00:13:50,438 --> 00:13:53,876
I was raised in a very typically
protestant puritan home with a
lot of
192
00:13:53,920 --> 00:13:56,270
repression.
193
00:13:56,313 --> 00:13:58,185
And I think that starting the
magazine and the content of the
magazine are a
194
00:13:58,228 --> 00:13:59,012
reflection to that.
195
00:14:00,578 --> 00:14:05,061
And I think that the changes
that we've played some part in,
196
00:14:05,105 --> 00:14:07,368
in the changing of society, they
have also taken place inside of me.
197
00:14:11,328 --> 00:14:12,329
Whenever things would
get a little rocky,
198
00:14:13,722 --> 00:14:16,812
he had a way about him to
make you feel like you're
199
00:14:16,856 --> 00:14:18,205
the only one in the
world for him.
200
00:14:21,469 --> 00:14:24,037
I was his public girlfriend,
and the others were just
201
00:14:25,952 --> 00:14:28,737
play toys.
He had no real interest in them.
202
00:14:30,391 --> 00:14:32,567
Once that playtime was
over - it was addicting.
203
00:14:34,569 --> 00:14:35,396
You knew you were special
to be a lady at the mansion;
204
00:14:39,182 --> 00:14:43,230
that was his romantic way, but
really, he wasn't very romantic
at all.
205
00:14:47,103 --> 00:14:49,062
He just created this illusion
like smoke and mirrors.
206
00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:54,067
Month after month after month,
there was a new girl every month
that came in.
207
00:14:56,286 --> 00:14:57,897
So, I figured out, I might as
well be friends with them.
208
00:15:00,334 --> 00:15:02,640
He would say things ,when are
you going to party with us?
209
00:15:02,684 --> 00:15:04,729
And I say, "Never. Forget it.
210
00:15:05,992 --> 00:15:06,775
It's not gonna happen.
It's not gonna happen."
211
00:15:10,648 --> 00:15:13,434
It was really awkward for me
because I wasn't a lesbian.
212
00:15:16,306 --> 00:15:21,050
Finally one day I just, oh
geez, okay. I'll try it once,
213
00:15:21,094 --> 00:15:24,227
and then if I don't like it,
never ask me again." But he had
it all arranged.
214
00:15:24,271 --> 00:15:26,751
He took me to the window,
opened the curtain.
215
00:15:29,624 --> 00:15:31,234
He says, you see that blonde out
there? Go talk to her,
216
00:15:32,801 --> 00:15:34,281
go talk to her, and see
if she wants to party.
217
00:15:38,981 --> 00:15:41,810
So I went down there and asked
if she was thrilled, thrilled to
be invited up.
218
00:15:43,377 --> 00:15:43,943
And that's how it started.
219
00:15:51,211 --> 00:15:52,299
Yeah. Yeah. One of the first.
220
00:15:56,390 --> 00:15:57,652
I'd never used that word
221
00:16:01,569 --> 00:16:06,269
because I would never do that.
That sounds naughty, that sounds nasty.
222
00:16:08,402 --> 00:16:11,144
I was told it was a party.
It was
223
00:16:13,755 --> 00:16:14,843
getting together
to have some fun.
224
00:16:19,326 --> 00:16:21,328
That was why I became like, I
really wasn't doing it, maybe, I
don't...
225
00:16:23,678 --> 00:16:24,505
I don't know, but there's
certain words I can't say.
226
00:16:26,768 --> 00:16:29,640
Sondra had to recruit young,
227
00:16:31,425 --> 00:16:33,818
fresh meat for
orgies for Hefner.
228
00:16:36,299 --> 00:16:38,562
And I was told about that from
another bunny that was there
that was asked to go
229
00:16:38,606 --> 00:16:41,696
up there, and she did.
230
00:16:41,739 --> 00:16:44,873
And she said, you cannot believe
what went on in that bedroom.
231
00:16:51,401 --> 00:16:55,579
I was looking through my
pictures and I was thinking, my god,
232
00:16:55,623 --> 00:16:57,538
nobody's going to believe my
story. Look at me. I mean, I
look happy.
233
00:16:59,627 --> 00:17:00,149
I'm looking at him
with loving eyes.
234
00:17:02,456 --> 00:17:04,545
And until I got to the pictures
of us sitting at the monopoly table,
235
00:17:07,330 --> 00:17:10,377
this picture,
I'm being silly, I'm happy.
236
00:17:12,944 --> 00:17:14,511
And then this picture, he's
whispering in my ear, isn't he?
237
00:17:17,819 --> 00:17:19,386
I wonder what he's saying. And
then look at my face in that one.
238
00:17:22,084 --> 00:17:25,348
I've been told to go
orchestrate an evening, and...
239
00:17:29,309 --> 00:17:32,877
Can you see it? It was like with
the feeling I had every day,
240
00:17:34,792 --> 00:17:35,576
I could believe everything was
wonderful, and I was happy, I
was in love.
241
00:17:36,968 --> 00:17:37,230
This is New Year's, and
242
00:17:40,146 --> 00:17:41,234
then as the evening approached
243
00:17:45,194 --> 00:17:47,675
there it was,
there was the whisper,
244
00:17:47,718 --> 00:17:50,069
there was his wishes
that needed to be met.
245
00:17:56,118 --> 00:17:58,555
But sex of course for me is,
is not a physical act, you know,
246
00:18:01,428 --> 00:18:01,906
it's romance.
247
00:18:04,431 --> 00:18:06,955
Hef wasn't a romantic;
he was a king, the emperor;
248
00:18:09,262 --> 00:18:11,916
you were in the magazine or the
bedroom, or you went home.
249
00:18:14,702 --> 00:18:17,270
I didn't want a girl in the bed.
No, I didn't want to be with a girl,
250
00:18:18,445 --> 00:18:19,098
but it's something
that made him happy.
251
00:18:20,925 --> 00:18:24,929
I was told that we wouldn't
have to be apart anymore because
252
00:18:27,758 --> 00:18:29,586
he would have no reason
to be apart from me.
253
00:18:32,676 --> 00:18:33,199
He hadn't taken it too far yet.
254
00:18:35,201 --> 00:18:39,292
Sondra had no idea what she was
getting into. I think that she
was groomed.
255
00:18:40,815 --> 00:18:41,468
Once he decided to push the
boundaries even further,
256
00:18:43,122 --> 00:18:43,600
there was no stopping
him at that point.
257
00:18:47,735 --> 00:18:50,564
Hef used cocaine. He used more
than that. He had a drawer full
of drugs.
258
00:18:52,870 --> 00:18:53,828
I discovered it when he started
giving me the key to that drawer.
259
00:18:55,786 --> 00:18:57,919
And Johnny was on coke.
John Dante was his best friend.
260
00:18:59,007 --> 00:19:00,443
He lived at the mansion.
261
00:19:01,923 --> 00:19:05,840
Hef had to have
somebody on call 24/7
262
00:19:07,842 --> 00:19:10,888
whenever he had the whim or the
need or the time that he wanted
to play a
263
00:19:10,932 --> 00:19:12,455
game because he
was big on games.
264
00:19:15,066 --> 00:19:17,025
John originated the orgy.
265
00:19:18,679 --> 00:19:20,594
John Dante and Hugh
Hefner lived together in
266
00:19:20,637 --> 00:19:23,162
the Playboy Mansion
for more than 20 years.
267
00:19:24,511 --> 00:19:25,164
I got you, John.
268
00:19:26,817 --> 00:19:28,428
What do you got?
That'll be a hundred dollars.
269
00:19:28,471 --> 00:19:30,691
And Hefner would say, come up to
my bedroom and watch a movie.
270
00:19:32,475 --> 00:19:33,520
And then you'd have two TV
screens filming the sex,
271
00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:38,699
where you could stop it and play
it back and see yourself in the
act and so forth.
272
00:19:40,483 --> 00:19:42,224
Partying would be going
upstairs with us to the master,
273
00:19:42,268 --> 00:19:44,183
and you were bound to have sex.
274
00:19:45,575 --> 00:19:48,665
It was fairly soon into it that
275
00:19:48,709 --> 00:19:50,493
all of a sudden we were doing
the drugs and partying.
276
00:19:52,016 --> 00:19:54,541
The drugs fueled how many people
you could get in your bed,
277
00:19:54,584 --> 00:19:56,891
and then all of a sudden,
there's three of us. And three
girls became five, and
278
00:19:59,241 --> 00:19:59,720
got ridiculous up there.
279
00:20:02,984 --> 00:20:05,726
He twisted my mind so
much that... I loved him,
280
00:20:08,032 --> 00:20:08,685
that proved how
much I loved him.
281
00:20:11,253 --> 00:20:12,646
And I didn't want to
be with those people.
282
00:20:16,824 --> 00:20:21,698
I was convincing them that this
was all just so wonderful and
283
00:20:21,742 --> 00:20:23,874
everybody loved each other and
you're so lucky to be here,
284
00:20:23,918 --> 00:20:24,353
I'm so glad you're here.
285
00:20:26,312 --> 00:20:29,837
I take them up, you know,
286
00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:31,578
get to know one another, the
champagne and then the drugs
will be brought out.
287
00:20:33,188 --> 00:20:36,496
And then he would stroll
in and see us having fun.
288
00:20:38,324 --> 00:20:41,370
And he would say, "Well, welcome
to the family. Welcome to the
family."
289
00:20:44,808 --> 00:20:46,593
And that made them feel, "Oh
good. I'm part of it. You know,
290
00:20:48,203 --> 00:20:49,291
I'm accepted." Who doesn't
want to be accepted?
291
00:20:49,335 --> 00:20:51,598
Who doesn't want
people to like them?
292
00:20:53,164 --> 00:20:53,687
The women at the mansion,
293
00:20:55,645 --> 00:20:58,126
they lived an incredible
existence except for one thing,
294
00:20:59,606 --> 00:21:00,476
nighttime is Showtime.
295
00:21:01,825 --> 00:21:03,523
I felt like I was a ringmaster.
296
00:21:04,828 --> 00:21:05,786
I felt like I had to put
the show on every night.
297
00:21:09,050 --> 00:21:12,923
The group sex, it was at least
five nights a week. They had a protocol.
298
00:21:14,316 --> 00:21:17,885
He liked to direct,
and he didn't segue away from
299
00:21:17,928 --> 00:21:19,539
it because you could
tell that irritated him.
300
00:21:21,889 --> 00:21:24,892
He was a man of
incredible appetites,
301
00:21:24,935 --> 00:21:28,287
yet he wasn't always a
participant, you know.
302
00:21:30,071 --> 00:21:32,291
He was a voyeur.
He liked to watch.
303
00:21:34,162 --> 00:21:35,294
As his valet,
304
00:21:37,252 --> 00:21:40,777
I was required to go to Mario
O'Connor every day when I came
to work
305
00:21:43,345 --> 00:21:44,999
and get his schedule of
sexual events in his bedroom,
306
00:21:48,089 --> 00:21:51,919
what girl he would be having sex
with and what costume she would
be wearing.
307
00:21:56,967 --> 00:22:00,580
He sat in a special chair,
a very comfortable arm chair.
308
00:22:02,277 --> 00:22:06,107
He would hire porn stars
to come to the mansion,
309
00:22:08,675 --> 00:22:11,939
to the bedroom and have sex with
these girls while he would watch.
310
00:22:15,725 --> 00:22:20,121
Mr. Hefner kept all his sex
apparatus in the headboard behind
311
00:22:20,164 --> 00:22:22,776
the bed, the different
dildos, Ben Wa balls,
312
00:22:24,081 --> 00:22:26,040
nipple clips, whips, straps.
313
00:22:29,173 --> 00:22:32,525
And one of my jobs was after
the sexual events were over,
314
00:22:35,223 --> 00:22:38,487
I had to put on rubber gloves
and pick up the dilos from the floor
315
00:22:40,315 --> 00:22:42,361
and put them in a special
bucket. The maids would take
them downstairs,
316
00:22:45,059 --> 00:22:47,888
spray them with a steam cleaner
to sterilize them and then put
them in plastic
317
00:22:50,325 --> 00:22:52,371
bags. I would carry them back
upstairs and put them back in
the headboard.
318
00:22:55,243 --> 00:23:00,422
Many of the girls after one
experience of having sex with
319
00:23:00,466 --> 00:23:04,078
Hefner or with the porn stars
that he brought up there, they
went home.
320
00:23:04,731 --> 00:23:06,080
Once was enough.
321
00:23:12,086 --> 00:23:13,522
For a little while,
he was doing his crazy stuff,
322
00:23:13,566 --> 00:23:16,090
I was just looking the other
way. Like on pig night,
323
00:23:19,093 --> 00:23:22,749
I remember finding out what was
going on, because he said,
324
00:23:24,272 --> 00:23:25,273
I'm going to be busy in the
early part of the evening,
325
00:23:27,144 --> 00:23:31,192
some people are coming over. And
then somebody told me what it was.
326
00:23:31,235 --> 00:23:32,933
A butler there, he said it's Pig
Night. And I said, what? What?
327
00:23:36,589 --> 00:23:39,287
Every Thursday night,
Hefner had two pimps
328
00:23:41,594 --> 00:23:43,944
bring up five or six
girls each and their cars.
329
00:23:47,251 --> 00:23:50,124
It was girls that they would
pick up on Sunset Strip. At that time,
330
00:23:51,604 --> 00:23:55,564
Sunset Boulevard was a very
big prostitution place.
331
00:23:55,608 --> 00:23:56,565
That's where you went
to pick up somebody.
332
00:23:58,567 --> 00:24:01,614
It was called Pig Night, but we,
as butlers, were always told,
333
00:24:03,964 --> 00:24:07,141
do not call them pigs.
This was Hefner's term for them.
334
00:24:09,448 --> 00:24:10,927
I don't know why he
called them pigs.
335
00:24:13,408 --> 00:24:13,930
Thursday night was Pig Night.
336
00:24:15,715 --> 00:24:17,456
When the guys on the mansion
list were expected to bring women.
337
00:24:20,459 --> 00:24:22,548
They were ranked. There was a
hierarchy of whether you were a
ten or an eight
338
00:24:22,591 --> 00:24:23,984
or a six.
339
00:24:26,595 --> 00:24:29,990
They would come up and go
into the big dining room.
340
00:24:31,513 --> 00:24:34,908
And Hefner's friends and
comrades and different stars,
341
00:24:34,951 --> 00:24:35,648
movie stars,
342
00:24:37,519 --> 00:24:41,001
television stars would sit
around the table with them.
343
00:24:42,698 --> 00:24:44,657
And as the butlers,
we would serve them dinner.
344
00:24:46,920 --> 00:24:48,487
They were told order
anything you want.
345
00:24:51,141 --> 00:24:53,796
Hefner would sit at the head of
the table. He would never eat
dinner with them.
346
00:24:55,145 --> 00:24:56,669
He would smoke a pipe
and observe the girls.
347
00:24:58,061 --> 00:25:01,412
When I found out about it,
348
00:25:01,456 --> 00:25:04,154
I went down to bedroom four
where I could look out where
they were all
349
00:25:05,939 --> 00:25:07,680
laughing and getting drinks and
making these girls feel special.
350
00:25:08,768 --> 00:25:10,247
One at a time,
351
00:25:12,075 --> 00:25:15,601
the girls were escorted into
the front bathroom where the
352
00:25:15,644 --> 00:25:19,387
doctor would inspect them
for anything that would
353
00:25:21,824 --> 00:25:23,347
be detrimental to
any of his friends.
354
00:25:24,653 --> 00:25:27,874
The girls that passed
mustard would have sex
355
00:25:30,746 --> 00:25:33,227
with the different friends of
Hefner. Sometimes on Pig Night,
356
00:25:35,490 --> 00:25:36,230
he had a special
woman that came up.
357
00:25:38,493 --> 00:25:42,062
She was called the bleeder, and
she would use a very large syringe
358
00:25:44,673 --> 00:25:46,719
and draw blood from
his different friends.
359
00:25:50,070 --> 00:25:53,334
And then a girl would
come and perform fellatio
360
00:25:53,943 --> 00:25:55,728
or give him a hand job.
361
00:25:58,295 --> 00:25:59,688
And that was a really big
thrill for a lot of people.
362
00:26:01,647 --> 00:26:04,388
And especially John Belushi, for
some reason, that really turned
him on.
363
00:26:06,303 --> 00:26:07,217
I noticed that over time,
364
00:26:09,350 --> 00:26:13,223
these men sort of needed more
for that sexual like stimulation.
365
00:26:15,704 --> 00:26:19,142
They needed to try things that
were more transgressive because
when you can have
366
00:26:19,186 --> 00:26:21,449
anyone you want and do anything,
then it becomes boring.
367
00:26:24,017 --> 00:26:25,453
This is the roller skating
party, when roller skating was
really big.
368
00:26:27,890 --> 00:26:30,589
Nothing was going to ever be
enough for him, and I realized that.
369
00:26:30,632 --> 00:26:32,721
It didn't matter how many people
you brought in, how many
beautiful girls,
370
00:26:32,765 --> 00:26:34,462
whatever it was,
371
00:26:37,683 --> 00:26:40,511
it would only satisfy him for
the moment, and it would soon be over,
372
00:26:40,555 --> 00:26:42,426
and then he'd have to find
something bigger, better naughtier.
373
00:26:44,733 --> 00:26:46,474
He had too much.
He had too much.
374
00:26:50,434 --> 00:26:53,524
It dissolved into this madness.
375
00:26:57,267 --> 00:27:00,749
And I think the madness came
from our relationship that he
had created where for
376
00:27:00,793 --> 00:27:03,622
the first time, he could
openly do these things.
377
00:27:05,536 --> 00:27:09,845
And he found somebody that
loved him so much or was so easy
378
00:27:09,889 --> 00:27:11,630
to manipulate that it
worked, but
379
00:27:13,806 --> 00:27:14,154
it wasn't enough.
380
00:27:17,070 --> 00:27:21,161
Cocaine became for me my
way of blocking it all out.
381
00:27:23,206 --> 00:27:25,165
I could pretend I was somewhere
else or I was somebody else.
382
00:27:27,036 --> 00:27:29,343
It didn't hurt me as much.
It didn't hurt
383
00:27:31,432 --> 00:27:32,172
while I was doing
that, it didn't hurt.
384
00:27:40,136 --> 00:27:41,485
And then I walked
in once, and he was
385
00:27:44,227 --> 00:27:46,621
to with our dog. And I said,
"What are you doing?" He says,
"Well,
386
00:27:46,665 --> 00:27:48,667
dogs have needs." And I
went, "Stop that,
387
00:27:50,930 --> 00:27:52,192
just stop that." And I never
left them alone with the dog again.
388
00:27:54,629 --> 00:27:56,413
I couldn't believe what I was
seeing. I could not believe what
I was seeing.
389
00:27:58,459 --> 00:28:01,375
Well, there are some things that
will not appear yet in Playboy, hmm,
390
00:28:03,638 --> 00:28:05,205
give an example, beastiality,
it's a sexual practice.
391
00:28:08,208 --> 00:28:10,689
Is that a hangup that you
won't publish Beastiality?
392
00:28:14,605 --> 00:28:16,042
No, I don't think that's a
hangup. I think you have to separate
393
00:28:17,565 --> 00:28:21,221
the kinds of sexual activity
that really are degrading.
394
00:28:25,138 --> 00:28:27,401
Joe Piasho, the head of
security, was my boyfriend at
the time,
395
00:28:29,664 --> 00:28:31,057
he told me a story about Linda
Lovelace being brought up there.
396
00:28:34,060 --> 00:28:36,410
Linda Lovelace,
she was the star of Deep Throat.
397
00:28:39,065 --> 00:28:40,588
This was probably the biggest
pornographic film ever, at least
at that point.
398
00:28:43,678 --> 00:28:45,071
Linda Lovelace, she got hooked
up with this gassy individual,
Chuck Traynor.
399
00:28:47,421 --> 00:28:51,730
Linda was married to Chuck
Traynor who pimped her,
400
00:28:51,773 --> 00:28:53,732
who beat her up on a regular
basis, threatened to kill her frequently.
401
00:28:55,603 --> 00:28:56,865
And when they arrived
at the Playboy Mansion,
402
00:28:57,997 --> 00:29:00,434
she was treated like
a piece of meat.
403
00:29:04,481 --> 00:29:08,442
Linda was obliged to take part
in an orgy with Hefner's
cronies.
404
00:29:09,835 --> 00:29:11,575
When I saw Linda Lovelace,
405
00:29:13,490 --> 00:29:15,449
I definitely did not feel
that she was there willingly.
406
00:29:18,887 --> 00:29:21,063
All the guys were laughing when
Linda Lovelace got out of the
limousine, and she
407
00:29:21,107 --> 00:29:23,762
was drunk and drugged.
408
00:29:26,677 --> 00:29:28,070
And all of a sudden out of
nowhere, a German shepherd shows up.
409
00:29:31,944 --> 00:29:34,468
They got her so messed up that
they made her give the German
shepherd oral sex.
410
00:29:36,992 --> 00:29:40,779
You want to talk about
depravity? This is despicable.
411
00:29:45,522 --> 00:29:49,048
When Hef told me what that
night had been, he said, yeah,
412
00:29:49,091 --> 00:29:50,658
so we invited her up,
and we all watched.
413
00:29:57,056 --> 00:29:59,972
Who does that? Who does that?
Who'd want to see that?
414
00:30:02,409 --> 00:30:06,152
The Linda Lovelace episode
exemplifies the attitude of
Playboy and
415
00:30:07,109 --> 00:30:07,980
Hefner to women by and large.
416
00:30:10,286 --> 00:30:12,506
This is the dark
underbelly of Playboy.
417
00:30:15,901 --> 00:30:19,905
It's all very well espousing
liberal causes and talking about
the joys of
418
00:30:19,948 --> 00:30:21,994
life,
freedom and sexual liberation,
419
00:30:25,084 --> 00:30:26,999
except it boils down to watch
420
00:30:29,653 --> 00:30:30,002
a girl have sex with an animal.
421
00:30:33,744 --> 00:30:34,180
Just gastly.
422
00:30:37,052 --> 00:30:41,013
I can't believe that I am that
girl that accepted that world.
423
00:30:45,452 --> 00:30:50,500
He just took my world, and he
just turned the knobs slowly so that
424
00:30:50,544 --> 00:30:54,156
everything came out of focus and
the only thing I could see was
what he told me.
425
00:31:01,120 --> 00:31:04,340
He had to get more and more.
I've never known anybody had to
have that much sex,
426
00:31:04,384 --> 00:31:06,473
but then when it got uglier
and uglier with, you know,
427
00:31:06,516 --> 00:31:08,736
bringing men into the
bedroom, and I couldn't.
428
00:31:11,652 --> 00:31:13,959
No drug could have made
me escape far enough,
429
00:31:14,002 --> 00:31:15,874
and I didn't want
to be with another
430
00:31:15,917 --> 00:31:17,745
man. I certainly did not
want to be with another man.
431
00:31:20,356 --> 00:31:24,230
Hef became that obsessed
with it. I mean, yeah,
432
00:31:26,145 --> 00:31:28,887
you could see it in this face.
It didn't matter how it made me feel.
433
00:31:31,280 --> 00:31:31,715
It didn't matter.
434
00:31:34,109 --> 00:31:38,548
And sometimes it was painful.
Men that
435
00:31:41,377 --> 00:31:43,902
forced themselves on you,
it doesn't feel good. It hurts.
436
00:31:45,904 --> 00:31:48,080
And I would tell him that,
please, don't, please.
437
00:31:50,299 --> 00:31:52,780
I would use those words.
He hurts me. It didn't matter.
438
00:31:59,743 --> 00:32:04,270
I felt so violated having a man
that I did not want to be with
forced upon me.
439
00:32:06,620 --> 00:32:08,622
And the feeling that made me
feel inside was just sick,
440
00:32:10,363 --> 00:32:11,930
the fact that my boyfriend
was okay with that.
441
00:32:15,890 --> 00:32:19,459
There were guys up there that
ended up in situations that they
didn't want to be in.
442
00:32:21,069 --> 00:32:25,769
It became apparent that they
have had more interest than
443
00:32:25,813 --> 00:32:28,076
I thought in John Dante.
He wanted to sleep with him.
444
00:32:30,035 --> 00:32:33,603
When Hef would make advances on
Dante, I could
445
00:32:33,647 --> 00:32:36,128
just see Dante's face just fall.
And the dread,
446
00:32:37,825 --> 00:32:40,654
the dread like I would feel.
And he knew he couldn't stop it.
447
00:32:45,746 --> 00:32:50,490
There were certain girls that I
was very close to that I would
call crying,
448
00:32:50,533 --> 00:32:52,492
and I would say, please come up,
please come up so I don't have
to do this.
449
00:32:54,189 --> 00:32:57,714
And they would, they would
come up for me. And I felt,
450
00:32:57,758 --> 00:33:00,500
at least I was with a friend,
and I was asking a lot of them,
451
00:33:04,025 --> 00:33:05,679
but they would come up, and
that helped me get through it.
452
00:33:07,376 --> 00:33:09,335
I found Solace in them,
the women, they were gentle.
453
00:33:11,598 --> 00:33:12,512
I needed gentleness.
I needed love.
454
00:33:15,384 --> 00:33:20,041
At least I had the beauty and
the tenderness with a girl that
I couldn't
455
00:33:20,085 --> 00:33:23,523
get from him. I remember being
in the office, talking to Mary,
456
00:33:23,566 --> 00:33:25,525
crying to Mary saying, "I'm
so tired. I'm so tired.
457
00:33:28,049 --> 00:33:29,137
Why can't he just make a couple
nights normal?" And again,
458
00:33:33,315 --> 00:33:34,012
well, if you're not going to do
it, somebody else will.
459
00:33:36,666 --> 00:33:39,321
No, I could not, not feel well.
I had to be there. I had to feel good.
460
00:33:40,409 --> 00:33:42,672
I had to be ready for anything.
461
00:33:47,460 --> 00:33:50,202
On the first day of
my job as a valet,
462
00:33:52,204 --> 00:33:56,730
I went upstairs to the bedroom.
I heard a lot of crying and moaning.
463
00:33:58,297 --> 00:34:02,692
So I went into the
bathroom, and Sondra was on
464
00:34:02,736 --> 00:34:04,738
the floor, crying, and there
was a lot of blood everywhere.
465
00:34:07,567 --> 00:34:09,308
I'd gone to the gynecologist,
and I didn't want to be on the pill.
466
00:34:12,137 --> 00:34:15,053
And so my doctor said, "Well, we
can put an IUD in." What's an
IUD?
467
00:34:17,359 --> 00:34:20,362
"Well, you know, it's up there,
and it does the work, and it's
done.
468
00:34:20,406 --> 00:34:21,059
You don't have to think about
it." I think, well, that's
perfect.
469
00:34:21,102 --> 00:34:22,538
So he put it in me.
470
00:34:24,932 --> 00:34:25,541
She had bled all over the bed,
471
00:34:28,588 --> 00:34:29,415
and then she came into the
bathroom, and Mr. Hefner,
472
00:34:31,286 --> 00:34:32,374
he got angry with her for
not taking care of herself.
473
00:34:35,203 --> 00:34:36,422
And he goes, why would you do
such a stupid thing? See, I
wasn't being fun now.
474
00:34:38,772 --> 00:34:40,600
She was bleeding, and she was
crying. And Mr. Hefner said,
475
00:34:42,602 --> 00:34:43,603
I don't really want to
know your medical problems.
476
00:34:45,822 --> 00:34:48,956
I was just dying. It was hurting
so bad I could barely take it, and
477
00:34:50,871 --> 00:34:53,613
I guess I passed out.
One other time,
478
00:34:56,050 --> 00:34:58,444
four years into the
relationship, I suddenly got
really, really sick.
479
00:35:00,272 --> 00:35:02,970
The pain was so severe I could
hardly walk, and it was my kidneys.
480
00:35:04,450 --> 00:35:06,930
And it was just excruciating.
481
00:35:09,585 --> 00:35:11,805
I remember when Sondra was
sick with a kidney infection.
482
00:35:13,676 --> 00:35:16,984
I do think that her illness was
in direct relationship to partying
483
00:35:18,507 --> 00:35:19,639
and also sheer exhaustion.
484
00:35:21,728 --> 00:35:23,599
I should have been in the
hospital, but if he had sent me
to the hospital,
485
00:35:26,472 --> 00:35:27,473
then there might have been
questions why I was so sick.
486
00:35:29,214 --> 00:35:29,475
He didn't want any
of that leaked.
487
00:35:34,262 --> 00:35:37,657
I was tired, and it
was not just a body,
488
00:35:39,224 --> 00:35:41,008
it was a mind too. I felt that
it was both being stripped,
489
00:35:43,880 --> 00:35:47,319
used and swallowed up. It was
just, he was eating me inside out.
490
00:35:48,929 --> 00:35:50,148
A kid who has a sweet tooth,
who is thrust into a candy store
491
00:35:54,804 --> 00:35:56,806
and discovers that he is going
to live in that candy store for
the rest of his life,
492
00:35:59,940 --> 00:36:02,334
starts after a little while
thinking about other things
besides candy.
493
00:36:05,859 --> 00:36:06,338
When you're dealing
with someone who's so
494
00:36:10,037 --> 00:36:13,693
self-centered and
so manipulative,
495
00:36:14,955 --> 00:36:16,522
and she was so young
and he was so not,
496
00:36:19,525 --> 00:36:20,308
he couldn't have had these
relationships with a grown ass woman.
497
00:36:20,352 --> 00:36:23,398
Let's be very honest here.
498
00:36:23,442 --> 00:36:24,356
He could not have had these kind
of relationships with an adult.
499
00:36:26,445 --> 00:36:30,492
And that's why they had to keep
being young for him to be their first.
500
00:36:34,844 --> 00:36:38,544
He asked me, he said, "Do you
like snuff films?" I said,
501
00:36:38,587 --> 00:36:41,024
"What's a snuff film?" And he
said, "Well, it's a porn where
502
00:36:43,592 --> 00:36:45,986
in the end, they kill the girl,
503
00:36:46,029 --> 00:36:49,555
and that's the big orgasm."
Like, who would watch that?
504
00:36:53,733 --> 00:36:57,737
And my reaction told him very
clearly that he was not going
down that highway with me.
505
00:36:58,564 --> 00:37:00,740
I thought, who-
506
00:37:02,742 --> 00:37:04,222
how could he like this?
And how could I care for him?
507
00:37:06,746 --> 00:37:07,225
What kind of mind
508
00:37:10,706 --> 00:37:14,884
is so far gone that it takes
killing somebody to get them
509
00:37:14,928 --> 00:37:16,234
excited for that big release?
510
00:37:18,801 --> 00:37:22,240
He was opening my eyes to this
monster. I mean, really, he was
a monster.
511
00:37:41,171 --> 00:37:44,784
To me, that last year I was
turning 25, and my fears had
512
00:37:48,396 --> 00:37:52,574
started to affect me. I'd
actually shake sometimes. I
dreaded it every night.
513
00:37:52,618 --> 00:37:54,141
I knew that something was
going to be expected of me,
514
00:37:55,751 --> 00:37:56,970
but the person that
had run from the room,
515
00:37:58,188 --> 00:38:00,800
I think there were about
12 people up there,
516
00:38:03,890 --> 00:38:05,979
12 people. And that's when I
look, I couldn't find myself,
517
00:38:08,111 --> 00:38:08,590
who am I?
518
00:38:11,637 --> 00:38:15,031
With all these limbs
and arms and legs,
519
00:38:15,075 --> 00:38:17,164
and I'm thinking
this is so awful.
520
00:38:18,513 --> 00:38:20,123
And so, I walked out
521
00:38:23,692 --> 00:38:24,476
and went to the one place I knew
that people didn't know about,
522
00:38:28,654 --> 00:38:31,744
the grassy knoll on top of the
jacuzzi where you could lay up
there privately.
523
00:38:31,787 --> 00:38:32,179
And I just laid there
under the stars.
524
00:38:37,184 --> 00:38:39,012
You're thinking that he
couldn't find me up there.
525
00:38:44,234 --> 00:38:48,021
My life is him, and being there
with him, I was turning 25.
526
00:38:50,110 --> 00:38:51,851
I remember looking in the
mirror, looking in my eyes,
thinking, where are you?
527
00:38:53,113 --> 00:38:55,333
Where are you? I wasn't there.
528
00:38:58,466 --> 00:39:00,860
I really changed a
lot from 19 to 21.
529
00:39:01,948 --> 00:39:03,341
Everything changed about me.
530
00:39:04,342 --> 00:39:07,170
I go from being so
fresh and young,
531
00:39:08,433 --> 00:39:09,695
and then that emaciated,
532
00:39:11,958 --> 00:39:16,223
terrorized girl that I might
as well have been a vibrator.
533
00:39:16,266 --> 00:39:17,050
I might as well have been a sex
toy because that's what I was.
534
00:39:22,838 --> 00:39:24,492
And nobody knew
the hell I was in.
535
00:39:27,321 --> 00:39:28,540
And finally, I got the courage
536
00:39:31,543 --> 00:39:32,370
to leave.
537
00:39:34,850 --> 00:39:38,724
I had such great life when I
entered those gates. I was so
full of hope.
538
00:39:40,508 --> 00:39:41,379
I was riding a star.
And when I left,
539
00:39:42,684 --> 00:39:45,078
I was on a burning meteorite
to earth.
540
00:39:46,471 --> 00:39:46,906
I was hitting the ground hard.
541
00:39:48,864 --> 00:39:54,609
I wanted to be able to go and
leave that all behind and find some
542
00:39:54,653 --> 00:39:59,266
normalness. I tried really hard
to make it normal. It was all okay.
543
00:39:59,309 --> 00:40:00,528
I'm out of there. I survived it.
I'm married, I've got children,
544
00:40:01,355 --> 00:40:02,922
my life is good,
545
00:40:05,838 --> 00:40:09,755
but it was affecting me, and
it affected my marriage.
546
00:40:09,798 --> 00:40:11,931
It affected me every day.
I don't know what normal is.
547
00:40:15,151 --> 00:40:18,590
You know, I lived a luxury life,
yeah, but I paid dearly for it.
548
00:40:20,461 --> 00:40:25,248
I had so much damage done to me
that I will never know how to be a
549
00:40:25,292 --> 00:40:27,773
normal person and to accept
love as a normal person.
550
00:40:30,384 --> 00:40:31,951
I will never believe that a man
would love me now because I'm
old,
551
00:40:33,953 --> 00:40:38,044
I'm older, and that's just,
nothing can convince me.
552
00:40:38,087 --> 00:40:41,134
Nothing can convince me that
I'm a desirable to anybody now.
553
00:40:43,484 --> 00:40:45,791
I'd like to think that one
day I'll meet my soulmate.
554
00:40:48,750 --> 00:40:51,274
I can't let go of that need, a
need to just be loved just for yourself.
555
00:40:53,276 --> 00:40:56,062
You know, not for what you're
going to do for somebody. I may
never know that,
556
00:40:56,105 --> 00:40:57,455
but maybe in the next
life, I don't know.
557
00:41:00,458 --> 00:41:03,461
They zapped this young girl -
where am I? They zapped this girl,
558
00:41:07,726 --> 00:41:10,816
away, she was gone. And all he
did was take and take and take that.
559
00:41:12,861 --> 00:41:15,821
He zapped it right out me.
And how dare did he do that?
560
00:41:17,344 --> 00:41:18,998
I was the best thing
that ever walked into his life.
561
00:41:22,349 --> 00:41:27,354
But anyway, I'm so sorry I fell
apart, so sorry.
562
00:41:32,272 --> 00:41:34,143
So it wasn't all glam and pokes.
It wasn't all fun and games.
563
00:41:38,365 --> 00:41:39,366
I knew I wasn't.
564
00:41:43,631 --> 00:41:45,024
Drop back any point in time,
take anybody from any point in time,
565
00:41:46,895 --> 00:41:50,769
you have one dinner. I wouldn't
be at a dinner, but I mean,
566
00:41:50,812 --> 00:41:53,554
there's certainly people that
you'd like to talk to one-on-one
and such and find
567
00:41:53,598 --> 00:41:56,035
out what it was all about. I'd
certainly like to talk to Christ,
568
00:41:56,078 --> 00:41:58,037
find out what that was all
about. - Would he like your act?
569
00:42:00,082 --> 00:42:02,694
Probably. Probably be a little
confusing to him, but I would
imagine so. Yeah.
570
00:42:02,737 --> 00:42:05,174
D you think he'd be confusing
to you? No, I don't think so,
571
00:42:05,218 --> 00:42:07,742
our values are probably
very similar. Yeah.
572
00:42:07,786 --> 00:42:09,222
He forgave the whores.
573
00:42:44,126 --> 00:42:45,737
This is the time for women to
be able to express themselves.
574
00:42:48,087 --> 00:42:50,916
I believed in the pitch because
I had not seen the future.
575
00:42:52,265 --> 00:42:53,483
I had dreams of going
up the corporate ladder.
576
00:42:55,311 --> 00:42:58,401
They pushed that ceiling
right back into my face.
577
00:42:58,445 --> 00:42:59,446
You're never going to believe
what I found in the garage.
578
00:43:01,753 --> 00:43:06,758
All of the complaints and the
sexual assaults, every
thing is on there.
579
00:43:08,107 --> 00:43:11,937
It was rampant with the
sexual abuse of women.
580
00:43:11,980 --> 00:43:12,894
Playboy was a business,
and I was part of it.
581
00:43:15,375 --> 00:43:17,769
I began hating myself.
51419
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