All language subtitles for 22 - Darrin Goes Ape

Ah, it's time to round up
the kids and go shopping.

You sure you don't
want to come with us?

I'm sure I do want
to come with you,

but I promised Larry I'd spend

part of this weekend
trying to come up with

a campaign for the
Cushman Cosmetic account.

Okay, sweetheart.
We'll be home early.

Well, if it isn't
the odd couple,

as I live and breathe.

Serena, those are
your two worst habits.

Oh, Sammy, you
married beneath you.

What's that?

It's a present for
tall, dark and dull.

It's a peace offering.

A peace offering?

Yes.

When the planet Icarus passes
between Venus and Jupiter,

it stills the winds of
adversity within me,

and I become a
veritable sea of tranquility.

Huh?

I've decided to
bury the hatchet.

Yeah? Where?

Have you ever thought of
giving lessons in graciousness?

Darrin, Serena
wants to make peace,

so don't fight it.

Okay.

Thank you, Serena.

Oh. Oh, Sammy,

this really does
make me feel good.

I mean, after all,

if you have to be
saddled with a mortal,

he's as good as any.

Thanks a lot.

Wow.

A portable television set.

That's very nice of you, Serena.

Oh, that's okay. Turn it on.

Where do I plug it in?

Just turn it on, ding-a-ling.

Try Channel 13.

Thirteen?

Yeah. That's the weather report.

The weather tomorrow
will be heavy snow

all along the eastern seaboard.

That's ridiculous.

There's not a cloud in the
sky, and it's 75 degrees outside.

Don't argue with him.

That's the only weather
report you can really count on.

- Oh?
- Because
he is the weather man.

Uh-oh.

Sam, would you
kindly tell your cousin

that I don't want anything
that she's conjured up

out of bats' wings
and eels' eyes.

Bats' wings?

Eels' eyes?

Sammy,

how would you like to be
married to a 170-pound artichoke?

Serena, please.

Okay, Sammy. Okay.

Satisfied?

Thank you.

Now, Sam, would
you ask her to leave

before I say something
I won't regret?

I think I better leave

before I do something
I won't regret.

Uh-oh. I-I've never
seen Serena so mad.

She'll get over it.

Well, I just hope I
don't get home today

and find I'm married to
a 170-pound artichoke.

Oh, yeah, we'll be
back in a minute.

Here we go.

Forgot my keys. Dumb, huh?

No, here. Here, I got mine.

No, I... Th-That's
okay. I found them.

They were on the hall table. Mm.

Sweetheart?

Hm?

You know, Serena
really meant to be nice

when she gave you that gift.

Uh, people give the way
they know how, and Serena...

Never mind, Sam.

Now, you know how
I feel about that stuff.

I know.

But Serena's really so
sweet, a-and she means well.

Well, maybe she is,
um, a little stubborn, but...

"Rotten" is the word.

Darrin, try and be nice.

That was the nicest
word I could think of.

Okay, buster. That does it.

Serena, that's unfair.
That's entrapment.

Okay. I'm willing to
forget about what you said

if you will accept my gift.

You may not understand this,

but I have too much pride
to accept your witchcraft.

Ding-dong, you have all
the gentility, graciousness

and gratitude of a gorilla,

which is what you
are about to become.

Ask and you shall
receive, you big ape.

Abner, did you hear that?

No.

It sounded like a wild animal.

Gladys, get away
from the window.

Why?

Because you might get attacked.

By the animal?

No, by me.

I think I'll go over
to the Stephens'

and borrow some sugar,

and find out what's going on.

Abner, Abner, you're
not gonna believe this.

They wouldn't lend
you a cup of sugar?

Some neighbors.

Some neighbors? We
may not have any neighbors.

There's a gorilla in the
Stephens' living room.

Are you sure you
weren't borrowing

something stronger than sugar?

Hi, there.

That's right. It's good
old reliable Serena.

Friend to man and beast.

Now tell me you
didn't hear that.

You think it's
one of their kids?

Whatever it is, it's
none of your business.

Come on, Abner. We
might be saving a life.

Come on!

Okay, okay. Relax.
Monkeyshines are almost over.

Come on.

There's the gorilla, Abner,

right in the middle
of the living room.

Take a look.

Do I have to?

Thanks. From the
bottom of my paws.

Don't mention it.

Go on, Abner. Take a look.

Then tell me who's crazy.

On those terms,
I'll take a look.

If that's a gorilla,
I'm King Kong.

And now we know who's crazy.

But, but... But,
but... But, but...

Gladys, if you don't mind,

I'm going back to
my crossword puzzle.

Serena, will you
stop bugging me?

I'm sorry. But I
forgot something.

What?

I forgot to get your apology.

Apology? After what
you've done to me?

Serena, you're suffering
from a cracked cauldron.

Mortals do not talk to
me that way, ding-dong.

It takes a beast to
say things like that,

and that is what
you are, a beast.

Abner, Abner, I
saw the gorilla again!

I-I mean something
terrible has happened.

First I saw Mr. Stephens,
then I heard a scream,

then I looked in the other room,

and I saw the gorilla.

That gorilla must have
eaten Mr. Stephens.

Hello, operator?

Get me the corpse...
I mean, the cops.

You the lady who
called about the gorilla?

I sure am. I saw it
with my own eyes.

Well, don't worry,
the law is here.

Just tell it like it is.

Well, first I saw a gorilla in
the Stephens' living room,

then I saw Mr. Stephens.

Then when I looked again,
all I saw was the gorilla.

For all I know, he might
have eaten Mr. Stephens.

Now take it easy, Mrs., uh...

Uh, "Kravitz."

K-R-A-V... Let's
take a look inside.

I-T-Z.

And he's got a wife
and two children.

The gorilla?

No. Mr. Stephens.

Don't shoot. Let me think.

I've finishing thinking.
We need help.

Headquarters,

we have a gorilla in a residence

at 1164 Morning Glory Circle.

You've got a problem, all right.

What have you been
taking on your coffee break?

Okay, I'll, uh, send out
a missing gorilla report

and call Animal Regulations.

You need any help?

No, sir. We're in charge here.

Johnson's Jungle Isle.

Police?

We ain't in.

I think we are, Alex.

Yes, sergeant.
A missing gorilla?

Let me look.

Tillie ain't missing, is she?

She's missing a
mate is all. Why?

The cops have got a
gorilla in some guy's house.

Yes, sir, this is one of
the Johnson brothers.

You got a gorilla?

What kind? I mean, uh,
is it a male or a female?

From the scream I
heard, it's no lady.

That's our gorilla, all right.

Give me the address.

We'll go by and pick him up.

It's 1164 Morning Glory Circle.

Thank you, officer.

Whoever that gorilla is

is the answer to
Tillie's prayers.

And now we get maybe,
uh, three, four little gorillas.

How did the gorilla get into
a nice neighborhood like this?

I don't know, but he probably
ate the whole Stephens family.

Madam, Johnson Brothers
gorillas are vegetarian.

Let's have a look.

That's him, all right.

You folks stand back.

Ooh, you're not gonna
kill the poor thing?

This is a tranquilizer gun.
It'll only knock him out.

I think he heard me.

If we can get this door open,

we won't have to
do any shooting.

Stand aside while
I do my specialty.

Tillie's really gonna be happy.

Who's Tillie?

Tillie's a lady gorilla,
and she's awful lonesome.

Well, you can relax
now, Mrs., uh...

Kravitz.

Well, the house is empty,
and there's no damage.

But that's impossible.

I saw Mr. Stephens in the den,

and then I saw the gorilla.

Well, he must have gone
out the back way, Mrs. Kravitz.

We checked the den.

There's no sign of a struggle,
and everything's in order.

Oh.

Here you go. In you go.

Alrighty.

Adam, sweetheart,

you've been a very,
very good boy today.

Why don't you take him upstairs,

get him ready for his nap,
and I'll be up in a minute.

It's been a long day, okay?

Okay, Mommy. Okay.

Sweetheart, I'm home.

I came to tell you
about the gorilla.

Gorilla?

Well, there was this
gorilla in your house,

and I called the police,
and they came right away.

And then these men came
from the jungle place...

What people? What jungle place?

Johnson's Jungle Isle.

They were the ones that
were missing the gorilla.

But he's safe now.

Oh. Well, uh, yeah.

Thank you very
much, Mrs. Kravitz.

Thank you very much.

Are you sure
Mr. Stephens is all right?

Yes. He's fi... Thank you.

Serena? Serena!

If you don't appear
in two seconds,

I'm bringing charges before
the Royal Witches' Council.

"Royal Council adjourned

until after royal
hunt of the gorilla."

Oh!

Aunt Hagatha? Aunt Hagatha?

Yes?

Oh. Hi, Aunt Hagatha.

C-Could you stay with
the kids for a while?

This is most
inconvenient, Samantha.

You're taking me away from

the maharaja of
Janipur's polo match.

Polo match? How come
you're so dressed up?

It's a private polo match in
the maharajah's living room.

Oh. Well, Tabitha's upstairs

helping Adam get
ready for his nap.

Uh, she may need a little
help. I won't be long. Bye-bye.

He don't seem to
go too much for Tillie.

Would you feel romantic with
two mugs like us looking on?

You're right. Let's leave
the lovebirds to themselves.

Yeah.

Darrin? Darrin,
is... Is that you?

Now, listen carefully.

If that really is you,
raise your right hand.

I-I mean, your right paw.

Oh. Oh, sweetheart, I'm sorry.

B-But I can't change
you back till I find Serena.

But I can send you home.

Tillie, leave him alone.

I speak the truth Witch's honor

Get Darrin home Or he's a goner

Sorry about that.

Yoo-hoo, Aunt Hagatha,
I-I'm back. You can leave now.

Oh. Oh, sweetheart,

I know it was a terrible
thing that Serena did,

and, well, what
can I say, except...

Serena, I swear
I'll put you into orbit

for a thousand years.

And I have friends
in very high places.

Shh-shh. I know, sweetheart.

J-Just relax while...

While I go upstairs
and check on the kids.

Did you hear what I heard?

I have closed my
ears to everything.

Abner, the trouble with you is

you show no compassion
for your fellow neighbor.

Gladys, if you had compassion
for your fellow neighbor,

you'd move.

Yes, Mrs. Kravitz. I sure
do remember you. I...

You gotta be kidding.

He's back at the
Stephens' house?

Okay. I'll... I'll check with
the Johnson Brothers.

Sergeant, you've
gotta be kidding.

The sergeant says the gorilla's
back at the Stephens' house.

He's gotta be kidding.

He ain't kidding.

Are you Mrs. Stephens?

Yes. What seems
to be the trouble?

Ma'am, are you harboring
a gorilla in your home?

Of course not.

Well, there was one
here earlier. We saw him.

I heard about that. Weird, huh?

We just got a report
that he's back here.

And this neighborhood
isn't zoned for gorillas.

So you're in violation
of the zoning law.

We'll have to
search the premises

and make out a report.

I forbid it.

You're not searching my home.

Come on. Out of the way, lady.

Where's your search warrant?

I just made an
executive decision.

In situations involving
the safety of citizens,

we don't need
any search warrant.

We don't even have to knock.

Kravitz dame said the gorilla
was in the den. Come on.

That's him.

"He."

What do you want?

Good grammar or a
gorilla for Tillie? Let's go.

I'll stay here with
Mrs. Stephens.

You check out the kitchen
and the rest of the house.

Somebody stole our gorilla.

There must be a crook
around here somewhere.

You fellas see a
gorilla around here?

Not me.

Did you see a gorilla, Pete?

Nope.

You're not gonna believe
this, but you'd better.

The gorilla's on the roof!

He's on the roof!

Serena, this is
your last chance.

Now, if you don't change
Darrin back this second,

I am going to send you

up the River Styx
without a paddle.

I thought you said you
saw a gorilla up there?

I did!

What are you,
some kind of radical?

Hey, fella, you seen
a gorilla around here?

A gorilla?

Well, come to
think of it, I-I did.

Just saw him walking
down the street.

Let's go!

Okay, lady.

Now, why don't
you just go on home

before you get into trouble?

Ooh.

Where did you come from?

Originally from Babylon.

You know something, Jerry?

This is a nutty
neighborhood. Yeah.

Well, right now, let's get
that one down off the roof.

Don't bother.

How'd that happen?

Jerry? Mm-hm?

You fill out the report.
You got seniority.

John, if I fill this out, I
won't even have a job.

Go ahead, sweetheart.
Yell your lungs out at Serena.

She won't blame
you and neither will I.

Honey, what's the use?
Everything's all right now.

I'm not really that
mad at Serena.

Relatively speaking, that is.

Relatively? Mm-hm.

How can I be as mad
as I should be at Serena

when I love her cousin so much?

Sweetheart? Hm?

You were in that cage
with Tillie for quite a while,

weren't you? Heh. Too long.

Oh, I don't know. I
thought she was kinda cute.

Well, I didn't.

Well, she thought
you were kind of cute.

She kept putting
her arms around you.

Well, now that you mention
it, she was sort of affectionate.

I guess you could say that, uh,

we got to be a little
more than friends.

That's what I thought.

Ah! Sam.

I just didn't want you
to miss Tillie, that's all.

Sam, as horrible as it was,

I wouldn't have missed
my experience with Tillie

for anything in the world.

You know why? Why?

Because those things are
all part of the adjustment

a man has to make
when he marries a witch.